


Desiderium

by ProneToRelapse



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Background Farlan/Jan, Background Isabel/Petra, Barebacking, Blood and Injury, Canon-Typical Violence, Demisexual Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Disabled Character, Eventual Romance, Explicit Sexual Content, Friendship, Humor, I mean I don't even think condoms exist in this universe so like..... Yeah, M/M, Minor Character Death, Non-Binary Hange Zoë, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan Manga Spoilers, Slow Burn, Sort Of, Teamwork, Top Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Trust, When I say slow burn......... I fuckin’ mean it, altered ages, altered timeline, and nuanced, basically i looked at the source material and went “cool! no!”, its complicated
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:14:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 66
Words: 378,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27767335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProneToRelapse/pseuds/ProneToRelapse
Summary: noun, plural des·i·de·ri·a  [des-i-deer-ee-uh].an ardent longing, as for something lost.Levi's exodus from the underground coincides with the recruitment and training of the 104th cadet corps. A look at what might have happened if their paths crossed sooner rather than later.
Relationships: Levi Ackerman/Eren Yeager, Levi/Eren Yeager
Comments: 1219
Kudos: 1513





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so main changes:  
> \- The 104th cadet corps recruits are fifteen, set to graduate when they're eighteen. LIKE I GET IT BUT I DO NOT JIVE WITH CHILD SOLDIERS WHY THE HELL DO I EVEN LIKE THIS SERIES???  
> \- At the start of the fic Levi is seventeen and Eren is fifteen, it will follow the cadets through training and beyond, romance tag is for much, much later  
> \- Whatever the hell is happening in the manga right now is scaring the HELL OUT OF ME, so this is not going to follow that plotline no THANK YOU NOT TODAY SATAN. NOT TODAY!!!
> 
> Enjoy!

The cadet corps promises pain. And delivers.

Being that the recruits are, inescapably, children, Eren had thought - had foolishly assumed - that their instructors would ease them in gently, give their young, incomplete bodies the chance to grow, to develop, to hone their skills with time and dedication.

The time and dedication part is true. Eren now knows that every subsequent day he spends in the cadet corps promises to be another step towards the end goal, and reaching that goal is going to test his endurance, his will and his drive, beyond what he can bear. The cadet corps doesn’t exist to hone them, it exists to break them down and reform them completely, and those that can’t handle the process are shipped out to the interior before their first week is through.

Dawn on the first full day of their training has the cadets lined up in the training grounds, all youthful enthusiasm and bright eyes. Shadis walks through their formation, an array of leather straps and buckles draped over his left arm, and as he walks among them he tosses one at the feet of every recruit.

“Alright, maggots,” Shadis says once all the straps have been distributed and he’s taken his customary position at the front of their formation. “Those of you who aren’t completely braindead will recognise the harness in front of you. Learn it, because those straps are going to be the only thing saving your life when a titan decides you’re lunch. You need to learn how to put that harness on so well you can do it blindfolded, and you need to learn how to do it perfectly. As soldiers, your harness is your armor. Too loose, and your gear will fail. Too tight and you’ll run the risk of nerve damage.” He glowers at them all. “Always make your harness too tight. That is the trade off you make as soldiers.”

He leaves them to untangle the mess of straps on their own and then to work out how to affix it without direction. It’s complicated, frustratingly so, but everyone is so relieved not to be pushing their unpracticed bodies through rigorous drills that they don’t utter a single word of complaint. That, and anyone who does is sure to be running laps until dusk.

Armin is the first one to kneel down and trace the vague outline of a body in the dirt. He then lays the straps out in their approximate positions, a task complicated by the fact that the straps are all connected somewhere and that these particular harnesses seem to have been tangled for years, left forgotten in a trunk somewhere most likely. Several other cadets follow his example when it proves to be too complicated to untangle them without some kind of framework, and Eren isn’t too proud to join them.

It’s like a puzzle, which is right up Armin’s alley, and for the first time since they enlisted it looks like Armin is going to excel at something the rest of them can’t. He toes off his boots and slips the first of the straps under the arches of his feet, slowly wrapping them round so they cross over his knees, then fastens the buckles on his thighs to keep them in place. After that, it’s the straps for his waist, then the padded cross for his shoulders, the buckle at the chest to cinch it all together. He straightens up and begins to tighten each buckle sequentially, until his expression is pinched with discomfort and he’s standing, the first among dozens, as the only one of them to figure out the harness.

Everyone flocks to him after that, and with the kind of patience Eren has always envied, Armin shows each of them how it’s done.

The harness is horrific. It rubs and chafes in the most irritating of ways and Eren’s feet start to tingle with numbness after only five minutes of having the full get up on. Shadis approaches them all in turn, yanking at all the straps and causing them to tighten even more uncomfortably, until he’s satisfied that they’ve done a good enough job.

“You can take them off now,” he tells them and they all breathe a collective sigh of relief. “Then put them on again in less than a minute. Anyone who takes a second longer is going to be doing crunches until they puke! I said _now,_ maggots!”

It’s like working against something with a mind of its own. It’s too easy for the harnesses to get tangled again, too difficult to fasten them tight enough first try. So the only ones who get to move to the mess hall for lunch are Mikasa, Jean, Reiner, Bertholdt, Annie, and Armin.

The rest of them, as threatened, are forced to do crunches until they vomit.

It only gets worse from then on. Day by day more and more of their comrades break away, peel off and give in, unable to carry on, to give their all to their brutal, rigorous training. It’s disheartening to see, and though Eren begins the week furious with them, their cowardice, but by Friday evening he cannot fault them for knowing when to give up and bow out. A lifetime of tilling fields under the burning sun would be paradise compared to what awaits them.

For five days, from dawn until dusk, Shadis forces them into drills that they don’t know, into positions their bodies cannot easily bend to. He has them beat their comrades black and blue with fists and training staves alike, has them hitting each other with enough force to break bone, then has them run until their feet are blistered and bloody. And all of them take it because they can do nothing else. They push themselves to the limits of their endurance before their bodies and their minds are ready, and every single one of them carries on because they cannot refuse an order from their superior. They’ve seen what refusal gets them and none of them want to follow that example.

Armin breaks first, but Eren isn’t far behind. Neither are the rest of them, not even Mikasa, who falls to her knees a mile and a half into their trek deep into the forest and vomits until she’s shaking. They’re exhausted and starved and bruised and bloodied and even then Shadis doesn’t let them rest. He howls about weakness, about failure and they get back up onto unsteady legs and push themselves even further.

And then finally they’re allowed to rest. Sunset on Friday evening brings a mess hall full of the aroma of fresh stew with potatoes and vegetables and honest to god _meat_. And none of them can enjoy it, too sick from overexertion to stomach more than a few mouthfuls. For some of them, this is the first time they’ve ever even had meat and they can’t even stomach it.

It’s cruel, no question.

Not a single one of them complains. They’re too tired.

It seems like the instructors are trying to offer some sort of apology for how hard they’ve pushed the recruits this week, but even so the extra portions piled onto the plates of each recruit aren’t enough to lift anyone’s spirits. Even the Blouse girl isn’t possessed by her usual voracious appetite, in no better shape than Eren is currently, head resting on the table as she drools onto the rough surface, incapable of lifting it even an inch so she can eat.

All across the room, the atmosphere is the same. The usual dull roar of conversation is absent, replaced by the thundering of the rain outside, which makes the whole scene somehow even more subdued than if it had just been silent.

They’ve lost the last of the unwilling recruits today. They’ve made it to the end of their first full week of training, and each day more and more of them have peeled away, made their excuses, returned to the interior to work the fields like Shadis predicted they would. Today was the final chance for those who didn’t want to fight to leave, and at first Eren had been furious with the unnamed faces slowly filtering out, ashamed on their behalf for their cowardice. Now, with his muscles screaming at him and his mind so far past exhausted he can barely form a coherent sentence, he finds he doesn’t blame them.

Even Mikasa’s hands are trembling as she lifts another forkful of food to her mouth, eyes downcast and hollow. She’s quieter than usual, hasn’t hounded Eren to eat his vegetables like she has every mealtime since they were nine, and that’s how he knows she’s just as shaken as he is. He’d known going in that their time in the cadet corps wouldn’t be easy, but being faced with the truth of that concept is a harder blow than he was expecting. He’d harboured a secret wish that it would come easy to him, that maybe his fire would carry him through and he’d be exemplary, a shining example, a prodigy.

He’s not. He’s just a kid, sore, bruised, and exhausted. And the only comfort to his morose thoughts is that he’s not alone.

All around him, at every table, the image is identical. Dull, listless faces, acute exhaustion, fear, hopelessness. The only conversation in the room is coming from the instructors’ table, and even that is subdued, but Eren has the distinct suspicion that it’s not out of concern for the cadets. No, he’s pretty sure it’s disappointment. The rookies they’ve been saddled with for the next three years aren’t anything special, just more titan fodder to prep until they’re ready to be sent to their deaths. Fattening up the pigs for slaughter.

Through sheer force of will, Eren sits upright, gasping softly when the muscles in his lower back grate and protest. Mikasa’s eyes flicker towards him but she doesn’t say a word, just stuffs another forkful of food into her mouth and chews.

“It’ll get easier,” Armin says faintly, mouth attempting to curve into something like a smile though his head is bowed, forehead an inch or so away from the tabletop. “Our bodies aren’t used to this, that’s all. A month in, we’ll be stronger, and we’ll keep getting stronger. This won’t last forever.”

Logically, Eren knows he’s right. And even if Eren couldn’t see the logic, he’d listen to Armin anyway. Kid’s the brightest one of the bunch and he always knows what Eren is usually too angry to see, but right now Eren can’t even find the energy to agree, let alone argue. So he just nods even though that one simple movement somehow sends his abused muscles screaming. How they’re supposed to recover in just two days so that they can do this all again come Monday, Eren has no idea.

They haven’t even started maneuver gear training yet. Eren wonders if cadet training has ever killed a recruit before the titans get a chance to. He has a sneaking suspicion that it might have.

Several other cadets have fallen asleep in their seats. Heads pillowed on tables, their comrades shoulders, even sitting upright with their heads lolled forwards. Exhaustion hangs over them all and it would be comical if Eren wasn’t so damn tired.

The rain outside shows no sign of abating any time soon and for that, Eren is somewhat grateful. It gives him something to focus on, an anchoring point, so that his mind won’t wander amidst the mess hall’s oppressive silence. In about half an hour or so, dinner will be over and the cadets can haul their broken bodies to their bunks and will most likely not rise again until well past noon tomorrow. They’ve already been assured that first call won’t resume now until Monday, a peace offering of sorts from their instructors, and it’s a welcome one, even if they know it won’t always be like this.

Somehow, Eren manages to choke down the rest of his food, though it’s with great difficulty and no real enjoyment. Everything tastes bland and even swallowing is a chore when he’s this tired, but he manages it because an empty stomach would just make the whole situation worse, even if he’s got no real appetite. Actually he feels kind of sick, but that’s probably because he, along with the rest of their classmates, had vomited from overexertion earlier that day.

Is this their life now? Working themselves sick just for the chance to face down a titan again? Three more years of this, of breaking bones and sweating blood and vomiting and--

The mess hall’s far door slams open and a hush would fall if it wasn’t already dead silent inside. The instructors don’t so much as twitch, and no one else has enough energy to turn their heads to look, but Eren is facing the door so he gets an uninterrupted view of the newcomers as they spill into the hall, drenched cloaks dripping rainwater onto the wooden floors. A young girl and two men, soaked by the torrential rainfall outside. They don’t say a word, don’t make any sort of announcement or excuse for their late arrival, just fetch themselves food and hunker down at an empty table away from the rest of them.

Despite his exhaustion, Eren finds himself curious. They’re wearing the forest green cloaks belonging to the survey corps, but beneath those are the jackets of the cadet corps bearing the crossed swords. They’re not scouts, not yet judging by the youth of the red-headed girl who shucks off her drenched cloak with a grimace of distaste. She can’t be more than a year older than Eren himself, sixteen to his gangly fifteen, and he sees it in the childish curves of her face, the exaggerated expressions that sparkle in her young eyes. Whoever those three are, they’re definitely cadets, but they’re not Eren’s classmates because he’s never seen them before.

No one else seems the slightest bit interested in the newcomers beyond a few curious glances in their direction, but more than that everyone is just too tired to give much of a shit. He doesn’t get the opportunity to ask if anyone else knows them because they’re gone before the call comes for the rest of them to clear their plates away. Exhausted beyond all reason, Eren puts the strange trio out of his mind for now.

They get two days to recover, which isn’t nearly enough, and every single one of them limps onto the training grounds Monday morning, some of them teary-eyed and terrified about what this new week will bring. To their absolute and overwhelming relief, though, they aren’t instructed to run laps until sunrise.

Because it’s not all drills and endurance training and for the first time in his life Eren is relieved to be sitting at a desk with pencil in hand, relieved that his father took the time to pass on the luxury of literacy to both of his children. Others in their class aren’t as lucky, and it seems as though the cadet corps assumes illiteracy until proven otherwise, which works in Eren’s favour, the first stroke of luck he’s had since… Well, it doesn’t really bear thinking about.

And regardless, that luck doesn’t hold. All it means is that Eren doesn’t have to sit down with a tutor each week to begin the painful process of learning letters and is instead given sheets of paper with a seemingly endless list of questions scrawled on it. Questions that he doesn’t know the answers to yet, questions that he hopes he never learns the answers to.

There’s more theory behind being a soldier than Eren was anticipating, but he should probably have expected something like this. It’s not all zipping around on maneuver gear and slicing into titans in the efforts of bringing them down. It’s planning and strategy and things he’s never had to think about before so they test his critical thinking something fierce. He’s not surprised that he’s no good at it, never expected to be, but it still stings when all of his answers are marked as incorrect. He’s not alone though, none of them have any idea what answers are right, which is why they have to sit through these lessons, learning the most effective ways their comrades will need to die to pave the way forward for the rest of them.

Their instructors don’t shy away from that fact. They take every opportunity to hammer home the fact that it’s almost certain none of them will live past twenty. They’ll graduate from the cadet corps at eighteen, choose their path, and if any of them are stupid enough to choose the survey corps, they’re reminded time and again that they’re choosing their own deaths.

Eren’s mind, however, remains unchanged. He’s going to join the scouts, and nothing his instructors say will change that. He’s not ready, not yet, which is why for the next three years he’s going to work himself to the bone, learning everything he can to prolong his life, though whether that will be through sheer luck or skill is yet to be seen.

It doesn’t matter, in the end. One way or another, Eren is going to be out there, fighting on the front lines against the titans. He’s made his decision and nothing is going to change it now.

Despite Eren’s inherent impatience, though, he does still have three years to go before he can officially join the scouts. Three years in which to hone his body into the peak of physical fitness that will allow him to take down titans. He’s not too worried about that. Shadis raves endlessly about how it’s his job to break them down until nothing is left except the parts of them worth building on, and from then he will slave away for the next three years to beat them into the mold of a soldier. Eren isn’t worried about that. After what he and his friends have lived through, bruises and sleepless nights are the least of their problems.

Well, the least of Mikasa and Armin’s problems, at least.

Because all Eren’s fire won’t do him any good if he can’t operate the 3DM gear. And he _can’t_ , he can’t do it. He’s never had a problem with his balance, never struggled so hard to achieve something in is life, but no matter how he moves, how hard he tries, he just can’t stay upright. Each time he tries there’s that split second of weightlessness where he thinks he’s got it, only to lose it at the last second like he’s trying to keep water cupped in his palms. Shadis mocks him for it and it stings all the more because Eren knows that if it were another of his classmates, he’d be mocking them just as fiercely.

Which is why none of them will help him learn. Mikasa isn’t cruel enough to look pleased about Eren’s failure, but she is and he knows it. Armin can explain the theory until he’s blue in the face but Eren just can’t grasp it, it’s beyond him.

Shadis writes him off after that and no amount of arguing will sway him. Eren rages until he’s red and screaming, earns himself two full days of ceaseless laps of the compound with a pack full of rocks. After that… Well, Eren doesn’t know what’s going to happen. He’s got no future as a soldier if he can’t work the 3DM gear. Not even among those slackers in the wall garrison.

After the first day of laps, Eren’s rage cools slightly. Only slightly, and in its place is a sense of shame so heavy he can barely stand it. If Mikasa had her way, they’d already be halfway to the interior by now, and it’s only thanks to Eren’s innate tenacity that they’ve not had to pack up and leave just yet.

He’s bought himself a week. If he can’t fall into place beside his comrades, can’t manage to work the 3DM gear by then… He’s out. End of story. Shipping off to the interior to till fields until he dies, unaccomplished and unfulfilled.

His shoe hits a rock and he falls to his knees with a grunt, pack splitting right down the middle and sending rocks tumbling to the ground. Perfect. Shadis is going to have his head for this.

“Oof, that looked nasty! You okay, squirt?” The voice is as high as it is unexpected, somewhat nasally in a way a lot of teenage girl’s voices are until they settle and mature. Eren looks round, rubbing a rough hand over the gash torn into his knee from his fall and comes face to face with very wide, very _close_ green eyes.

And red hair. The girl from the mess hall. The one with the survey corps cloak.

“You good?” She asks, holding a hand out to him. Eren takes it slowly and she hauls him upright, surprisingly strong for how thin she is. Almost reedy, gangly like a foal. “You wiped the hell out, that looked painful!”

“I’m fine,” Eren mutters, cheeks reddening. “I wasn’t paying attention.”

“And your pack was full of rocks,” the girl points out helpfully. “Is that what you guys have to do to train? Carry rocks around?”

“Yeah, it’s-- endurance training. Do you guys not have to do that?”

“No,” the girl says, looking thoughtful. “But we’re not proper cadets, so I guess that means we don’t have to slog it out like you guys do.” She beams widely. “Name’s Isabel! Isabel Magnolia! Nice to meet’cha!” She sticks her hand out again, right into his face.

“Eren,” he mumbles, taking the proffered hand and letting her shake it vigorously. “Eren Jaeger. So… You guys aren’t cadets? You and the other two?”

Isabel rocks back onto her heels. “Yeaaaah, we are. But also not really. We’re section commander Erwin’s special pet project, but I’m not s’posed to talk about that.”

Eren blinks. “Pet project? The hell does that mean?”

“Nuh-uh!” Isabel says, grinning. “Like I said, I’m not meant to talk about it.”

“Who’m I gonna tell?” Eren says, frowning. “I’m gonna be shipped off to the interior by the end of the week.”

Isabel’s eyes widen. “Wait for real? Just like that? And you aren’t _happy_ about it? That’s like the dream! Nice, cushy life in the interior, why wouldn’t you want that?”

Eren grits his teeth. “Who would? I don’t _want_ a cushy life in the interior-- I want to fight titans but they won’t _let_ me!” Eren hasn’t got the faintest idea who the hell this girl is, or what Smith’s “pet project” is even meant to be, but right now he couldn’t care less. All his building rage at his ineptitude, his failure with the 3DM gear, reaches a boiling point and he kicks one of the discarded rocks hard enough to send it flying across the compound.

“Yikes,” Isabel says cheerfully. “Well, more power to ya, I guess. But I can’t see why they wouldn’t let you fight. I figured the survey corps were hurtin’ for bodies, so why won’t they let you?”

Eren droops in place like a puppet with the strings cut. “I can’t work the gear. Every time I put the harness on I fall. They won’t let me keep trying and no matter what I do, I can’t figure it out.”

Isabel gives him a sympathetic look that grates right on Eren’s nerves. He doesn’t need _pity_ , he doesn’t need _sympathy_. What he _needs_ is to figure out why the hell he can’t get the gear harness to support him when it’s worked for literally everyone else in his class.

“Well, that’s no good!” Isabel declares, so suddenly Eren actually takes a step back. “Want me to show you how it’s done? Not to brag or nothin’, but I’m a bit of an ace with the gear myself!”

Eren gives her a long onceover. “Is that why you’re the section commander’s “pet project”?”

“Part of it!” Isabel says, with so much relentless cheeriness that Eren is momentarily blindsided by it. “And today is your lucky day, Eren Jaeger, because I’ve decided to take you on as my protege!” She wraps an arm around his neck, tugging him close so she can ruffle his hair. It’s annoying and more than a little uncomfortable because she is considerably shorter than Eren, but he finds himself smiling in spite of it.

“Alright, Isabel Magnolia. Teach me your secrets.”

* * *

Whatever the reason for Isabel’s strange and as of yet unexplained presence in the cadet corps, Eren can’t deny that the girl is… concerning. She’s loud and erratic for the most part, but she somehow - and this is the terrifying part - manages to filch two complete sets of 3DM gear without being spotted, hauling them to the place Eren is waiting where the treecover is at its most dense, far enough away from the main compound that they won’t be seen or overheard. She doesn’t even look out of breath to have carried such heavy gear all this way.

“It’s my personal belief that you learn by doing!” Isabel declares, throwing one of the gear’s scabbards at him as though it weighs nothing. And the moment Eren fumbles to catch it, he realises why. The scabbard is incredibly light, impossibly so, and Eren staggers out of surprise, having expected considerably more heft to the device. He squawks as Isabel ducks low, beginning to fasten the scabbard to his legs without so much as a word of warning, and by the time she’s done, Eren’s face is blood red and burning hot.

“There we go, nice and tight!” Isabel says, tapping the left scabbard with her fist. “So, what exactly is the problem? Just your balance? You ever worn one of these before?”

“No, I didn’t get that far,” Eren admits sullenly, thinking of the rest of his class, zipping around the forest without him. “I can’t balance in just the harness, I keep ending up ass over head every time I try.”

“Ahhh,” Isabel says, nodding sagely. “Yes, yes, I see the problem. You lack balance!” She says it like she’s uncovered a hidden secret, eyes honest to god sparkling with pride.

“...Yeah,” Eren says after an uncomfortable pause. “Like-- I _know_ that’s the problem, I just don’t know how to fix it.”

“Well, that’s why we’re here!” Isabel says, testing the triggers on her own gear. Eren lifts the triggers up to inspect them, having never seen them this close, but Isabel clamps a hand over his before he can pull it.

“Be careful!” She chides him, slapping his hands down. “If you misfire, you could spear me! Learned that the hard way, let me tell ya. Now I’m not much of a teacher, I can only show you what I know so bear with me, but I reckon that if it’s a balance issue, then we gotta figure out where the problem is so we can counteract it!”

“Counter...act?” Eren repeats warily.

“Yeah! Like, if you lean to the left, we could strap a rock to your right leg to even you out!”

It… makes a weird kind of sense, but Eren doesn’t want to be the only soldier in history to have to have a damn _rock_ tied to his leg just so he can use the maneuver gear. “Right… Well, what should I do first?”

“First, you gotta learn how to aim,” Isabel says, tapping one of her scabbards with the grip of her left trigger. “It’s in the hips, ya see? Try aiming for the branches above us. If you can get a good anchor in both of those, we can test your balance ourselves. You shouldn’t have any trouble firing the anchors, it’s the jetting that needs gas, and unfortunately I couldn’t nab any of that without being spotted. They keep that stuff locked down tighter than a miser’s purse.”

Eren follows her gaze upwards to a thick branch roughly ten meters up. The idea of aiming… with his hips is a bit of a weird one, but the way Isabel demonstrates makes it look a bit less complicated than he was fearing. She cocks one hip to the side and clicks the main trigger on the right downwards sharply. An anchor fires with a hiss and embeds itself deep into the bark of a far treetrunk.

“So, big trigger to fire, second trigger-- No, this one.” She shows him. “This one to retract the anchors, and the bottom one to retract the wires. Got it?”

“I think so,” Eren hedges, nodding once before steeling himself. He takes a couple of steps back and feels incredibly ridiculous angling his hips upwards. It’s weird and uncomfortable to just _squat_ like that but thankfully Isabel doesn’t laugh at him. He tests the grip of his triggers for a moment, lining up the shot as best he can, and clicks the left trigger down.

The anchor fires instantly, barely a half-second later. It shoots out faster than Eren can track with his eyes, and the leaves above them rustle as the anchor hits its mark dead on.

“Hell yeah!” Isabel crows, pumping a fist into the air. “You’ve got good aim! I missed the first hundred times I tried it!”

Buoyed by her praise and that small but real victory, Eren cocks his hip and fires the right anchor. That one also hits its mark, roughly two meters apart from the first, creating two sturdy supports between Eren’s gear and the branch.

“Nice!” Isabel praises and Eren’s ears flush. “Okay, so winch the wires in a bit so you’re off the ground. Do it slowly so that if you start to lose your balance you can catch yourself. I’ll stand behind you a bit so if you start to fall I can catch you.”

“Thanks,” Eren mumbles, and tentatively presses down the secondary triggers. He winches up the left side first until he’s on the balls of his right foot, then, grabbing the wire with his left hand for stability, he holds onto that while he slowly winches the right wire up to match. It takes a moment for him to shift his center of balance enough to chance letting go, and it is a chance because he has no guarantee that this will work and he won’t end up with a concussion _again_ , but slowly he relaxes his fingers from the wire until--

“Hey, you’re doing it!” Isabel crows, jumping up and down in place. “I thought you said your balance was bad!”

“I thought it was!” Eren shouts back, laughing incredulously through the words. “I couldn’t understand it!”

“Well, maybe it was just faulty equipment,” Isabel offers, circling him. “You look just fine to me! You should run and tell your instructor that you wanna try again. Make sure to try different equipment, though, because it looks like someone is tryna sabotage you.”

“Sabotage me?” The suggestion is so shocking that Eren wobbles a little in place but he catches himself before this attempt can end like the first. It’s _so_ uncomfortable to hang like this, pressing in on… everything, but Eren really can’t bring himself to care. This proves that he _can_ do it, he’s not a failure, and his dream of leaving these oppressive walls behind, his desire for vengeance for everything that was taken from him, are so much closer than they were before.

“So, hey,” Isabel says, bringing Eren back down from euphoric thoughts to the present. “How come you don’t wanna live in the interior, anyways? I thought that’s what everyone wants.”

“Not me,” Eren says, releasing the anchors and dropping back down onto his feet. The wires retract with a low hiss and Eren staggers a little under the force as they clunk back into the scabbards. “My… my home was destroyed by the titans. I want to take it back.” Four years and it still doesn’t hurt any less. Four years and Eren’s hands still clench any time his thoughts stray to what was taken from him.

“Shit,” Isabel says and for the first time her cheerful demeanor drops entirely. “That’s… awful, I’m real sorry.”

Eren takes a deep breath. “It’s fine. But that’s why I want to join the scouts. I’m gonna kill every titan that crosses my path. I don’t want to stay cooped up inside these walls until I die. I want to know what’s out there. I _have_ to know.”

“I get it,” Isabel says softly. “We heard… We heard about the breach when we first came up. We were supposed to ship out on our first expedition before then, but I think they wanted us to hold off after that. Get some more training in. That, and I guess they’re gonna want to try and clear out wall Maria before they go any further.”

“I don’t know much about it,” Eren admits. “We enlisted in the cadets the moment we turned fifteen and they’d take us. I think my… my friends enlisted because I did. I didn’t _want_ them to, but… They’d follow me anywhere.”

“Oh, I know that!” Isabel says, back to cheerful in a heartbeat. “We’re only up here because we followed my brother. Well… That and ‘cause I’m pretty sure the MPs want our asses _real_ bad.” She cackles like she’s just cracked the most hilarious joke of all time, and though Eren wants to laugh with her, he’s too confused by her words to give in to her infectious humour.

“Why would the MPs want you?” Eren asks, frowning. “Are--” He pitches his voice low, eyes wide. “Are you on the run?”

“HAH!” Isabel, slaps her knee, laughing even louder. “Nah, not on the run. The MPs might want us, but they can’t touch us here. We got recruited before they could get their filthy paws on us.” She grins, wrapping an arm around Eren’s shoulders to yank him close again, but this time at least she doesn’t ruffle his hair. “I’ll let ya in on a little secret if ya promise not to tell anyone.” Eren nods eagerly. “I’m a fearsome criminal from the underground!”

Eren blinks. “No, seriously.”

Isabel puffs up at that, all indignant fire. “It’s the truth! Lived underground all my life. Took this job because I made some enemies and now I’m here, makin’ an honest living as a scout! Or… Well, almost a scout. I’m still technically a cadet I guess, but soon I’ll be a fully fledged scout and they won’t ever be able to send me back down there again!”

It’s an incredibly far-fetched story, but something about her earnest tone makes Eren believe her. Which makes her story even _more_ incredible because Eren’s heard rumours about the underground city tucked away beneath the interior city inside wall Sina, but he never thought he’d meet someone from there.

“That’s… incredible,” Eren says, awed. “What’s it like underground?”

“Dark,” Isabel says with a shudder. “Cold. Like all the time, no matter what season, it’s always cold underground. Which is strange because there’s no wind. And it’s… Well, it’s far away from the sun so it’s real easy to get sick. And a lot of people down there don’t have money for food, let alone medicine, so there’s a lot of sickness and death. People steal what they can’t afford and sell what they can’t eat. So when the chance came for us to get out of there, what else could we do except take it?”

“I get it,” Eren murmurs, unsure of what else to do except box Isabel’s shoulder gently. She beams at him so he’s happy that was apparently the best move because he’s really not great at hugging people and he’s never been the best at offering comfort. “You’ve been through some shit, too, by the sound of it. And those guys who were with you, they from the underground, too?”

Isabel nods. “Yeah, they’re like my older brothers. There’s Farlan, he’s the blonde one, and then there’s--”

“Isabel!”

The new voice rings out and two things happen simultaneously. First, Isabel shrieks like she’s been stabbed and Eren flinches back, covering his ears against her earsplitting scream. Second, she fires her anchors into the branch above and disappears into the canopy a split second before a blur of blonde and brown dashes into the clearing, tearing through the space the girl occupied only a moment before.

“Get down here, you brat!” The newcomer bellows, glaring up at the leaves shaking above them. He’s tall, has at least a foot on Eren, slim and fair-skinned with tousled blonde hair. Eren recognises him from the mess hall the other week, and from Isabel’s description he knows the newcomer to be Farlan. “You wanna jeopardize all of our positions here?! I can’t believe you stole 3DM gear! What the hell’s wrong with you?!”

“I was helping!” Isabel yells from the treetops. “He was gonna be shipped off to the interior!”

Farlan growls, folding his arms with an expression of deep dismay. He turns to Eren who plasters what he hopes is an appeasing grin on his face and holds his hands up to show that he wasn’t… Well, doing anything untoward with this guy’s little sister in the woods. Well, anything more untoward than stealing 3DM gear and shirking whatever duties their instructors might have given them.

Eren’s never backed down from a fight in his life and he won’t if it comes to that, but actively _starting_ a fight with an underground thug? Even Eren isn’t _that_ stupid.

“I don’t give a shit about what you were doing,” Farlan says, turning his gaze back up to the treetops. “I give a shit about the fact that you bailed on stable duty. Now get your ass down here before I come up there and get you myself!”

A second later Isabel breaks the cover of leaves, landing lightly on the balls of her feet like a cat, despite the height. She grins sheepishly, knocking her shoulder against Eren’s in silent apology, then throws her arms round Farlan’s shoulders.

“Don’t be angry, Farlan, I promise I was gonna come help as soon as we were done here! It was a matter of pride! I couldn’t let them just ship him off!”

Farlan rolls his eyes, putting a palm on Isabel’s face and shoving. “You’re a troublesome little brat, you know that? Now come on, before Levi kicks both our asses.” He glances at Eren, brows pinching as he takes in the gear, but he doesn’t comment, just grabs Isabel by the scruff of the neck and hauls her towards the compound.

“Bye, Eren!” Isabel yells as she’s dragged off. “Good luck with your training!”

Eren raises a hand, waving limply without really meaning to do so. It’s not until the two of them are gone that Eren realises he’s going to have to either dump the maneuver gear or come up with a _really_ good explanation as to why he’s got it.

Shit.

* * *

It ends up working out a lot better than Eren could have hoped. He still has to do three hundred pushups and four circuits of the training ground before he’s allowed to leave for the day and his food rations are stripped down to the bare essentials for the next week, but Shadis lets him attempt the maneuver gear harness again with little complaint. As for coming up with a good excuse, Eren’s completely hopeless at that, and his ears burn red when he lies so he can’t even attempt to come up with a good one, so he bites the bullet and tells Shadis that he pinched it so he could practice alone. That earns him another hundred pushups but he takes it without complaining because he absolutely _aces_ the harness training when he’s allowed to take it again.

Isabel was right. The equipment _was_ faulty. But that’s as far as Eren is willing to take Isabel’s suspicions. He doesn’t entertain the prospect of sabotage because it doesn’t make any sense. But… the look on Mikasa’s face when he maintains his balance in the harness is enough to prickle his skin uncomfortably.

Still, there’s no use dwelling on it. Eren passed and is now allowed to join his comrades for training once more. He doesn’t care about anything else other than that.

Their timetable for the rest of the training year leaves little room for anything else and Eren is fully intent on doubling down and surpassing everyone else with little distractions. But… his fellow cadets are actually pretty fun to hang around, something Eren hadn’t even been aware he was missing out on while they trained without him, but now that he’s able to join them, their camaraderie swells out to include him effortlessly.

Sasha and Connie are the easiest to get along with, mainly because they never get offended by anything and always take everything with easy smiles and loud laughter. They secure their place in Eren’s good books when they rig up a bucket of water to fall on Jean the next time he walks into their barracks. Jean is… well, he’s a pain in the ass and he’s intent on making that Eren’s problem, which is fine, Eren is more than capable of putting ponyboy in his place. But though their altercations are fiery, Jean has Marco to temper him and for the most part that works in keeping them out of each other’s way.

The rest of them… Well, they’ve got their quirks, that’s for damn sure. Eren’s life in Shiganshina wasn’t the most diverse of upbringings but he’s pretty sure he’s never met a group of people more different than the 104. Ymir and Christa mainly keep to themselves because Ymir’s got a severe allergy to people, but Christa’s a damn angel as far as Eren’s concerned. An angel, though she can be a little annoying because surely no one is _that_ kind for no reason. He wisely keeps that thought to himself, though, because he’s not entirely sure Ymir won’t kill him in his sleep if he says anything to Christa that might even approach the border of unkind.

Bertholdt and Reiner are okay, if a bit reclusive. They keep to themselves a lot but Eren doesn’t mind that. He’s pretty set on focusing on training for the most part so he doesn’t really care to make the effort to forge bonds with these people, especially not the ones so intent on ranking in the tenth percentage and hitching up to the interior. Eren figures that as long as he can count on the remaining lot to pull their weight in a real battle, he’s got nothing much to worry about.

As far as he’s concerned, training’s only going to get easier from here on out. With his body getting stronger every day, it won’t be long before he’s a fully fledged member of the scouts. The world beyond the walls is within his grasp.


	2. Chapter 2

By the time the oppressive summer heat has permeated even the most shaded parts of the compound, Eren’s body has changed so much he hardly recognises himself in the mirror. The changes didn’t feel so drastic while they were occurring, and amidst the blurry rush of training Eren barely had time to scratch his own ass let alone marvel at the changes his body was undertaking, but before long he has to scratch away errant hairs in front of the washroom mirror with a razor blade, and every time he steps in front of it he notices something new about his face that he hadn’t seen before.

His cheekbones are sharper, for one. Jawline more pronounced, eyes less bright and more focused. All things that can be ignored individually but when Eren takes a proper look they all add up to the irrefutable fact that Eren is aging and he cannot stop it. He doesn’t particularly want to; every passing day brings him closer to the survey corps after all, but amidst his fervent wishes for adulthood he can’t stop himself from thinking about the fact that soon… Well, there’s a chance that one day he’ll be older than his mother. It’s a difficult thought to stomach on the best of days so to the best of his ability, he tries not to think about it.

On a more positive note, Armin’s comment at the beginning of their training - about their bodies acclimatising and getting used to the rigorous drills and constant abuse - proves to be correct. Not three months into their new lives, Eren notices he can run farther, run for longer, and he no longer ends up on his ass thirty seconds into close-combat drills with his fellow cadets. He still can’t hold his own against Reiner and Annie, but the only one who can is Mikasa so Eren tries not to feel too pissed about it.

He’s not too bad at operating the 3DM gear now that he’s got equipment that isn’t faulty either. He doesn’t have Mikasa’s innate skill for it - but who does, honestly, does she have to be better than him at _everything?_ \- but he’s not far off from the best and that will have to suffice. He hasn’t really found his niche yet, but that’s okay. Mikasa can have her unparalleled skill with their gear, Armin can have his remarkable talent for the theory, and Annie can have her terrifying combat skills. None of them can match Eren’s fire and he’s okay with that.

The only real thing Eren struggles with is the theory, but Armin is always there for him to turn to when he struggles too badly, and Eren is prepared to argue that everyone has their strengths so why can’t he lean on his comrades in the areas he lacks skill in? He doesn’t have to argue the point too fiercely, though, because the repetition eventually starts to sink in and he can pass the papers through luck more often than not.

It doesn’t matter. Eren can hold his own where it counts.

He hasn’t forgotten, though, that he wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for Isabel’s help. He’d been hoping in the weeks following their session in the woods, that he’d get the chance to thank her properly, but Eren’s fellow cadets and that strange trio from the underground train separately, which is frustrating if only because Eren was kind of hoping that he’d be able to get Isabel’s help with some more advanced 3DM gear drills. He can’t spin like Mikasa can, can’t quite get the hang of the flips Jean likes to show off with, and he knows that if he could pin Isabel down for long enough there’s probably some real good pointers she could give him. She’d moved with it like it was an extension of herself and Eren would love to learn to move the way she does with it.

No matter how hard he tries, though, there’s never a good enough opportunity for him to speak with her. The only times they even get close to each other is when they’re in the mess hall for dinner, and nine times out of ten they arrive late if at all, and she’s always flanked by those two other guys that came from the underground with her. Farlan doesn’t seem like he’d be too unapproachable, but the shorter guy, the dark haired one whose name Eren never got, he looks like the textbook definition of “fuck off, don’t talk to me”. Eren doesn’t fancy his chances of getting within ten feet of Isabel while he’s around.

Which is why he’s shocked nearly out of his skin the first time the cadets are let into the corral for their first session of horseback riding, and Isabel barrels into him like a long lost relative who hasn’t seen him in years.

“Eren!” She yells, wrapping him into a tight hug. “We’re training with you guys today, won’t that be fun?!”

“Sure,” Eren says, muffled by her-- _chest_ , oh god. His ears burn at the realisation of where his face is but thankfully she releases him rather quickly, beaming brighter than the sun as she shakes him by the shoulders. “Wait, you’re actually training with us?”

“Well, no,” Isabel admits and Eren’s shoulders droop. “We’re takin’ a breather right now and I wanted to see what you newbies were like! Speaking of, though, how’s it going with your gear? You haven’t absolutely wiped out on it yet, have you?”

“No, I’m okay at it.” He gently extricates himself from her grip, if only because Mikasa’s got that weird glint in her eyes that promises a world of pain if he doesn’t. “Though I did get my wires crossed a couple times, but that wasn’t my fault.”

Isabel cackles. “Classic. Did that a good few times when I was starting out, too. But I’m glad you’re doing okay! You gotta come meet my horse, she’s beautiful. They’re so well trained it’s unreal!”

“Sounds good,” Eren says, cheered as before by her relentless optimism. There’s no one among his classmates quite like her, even Connie and Sasha can’t quite reach her scarily high levels of cheeriness. “Actually, I wanted to ask--”

“Alright, maggots, line up!” Shadis shouts, ruining Eren’s chances once again.

“Oops,” Isabel says, grinning. “Come find me when the old man gives you a break, yeah?”

Eren nods and Isabel dashes away, vaulting the far fence with a carelessness that lands her on her ass on the other side. She’s yanked back onto her feet by Farlan who’s laughing too hard to tease her, but she still boxes his shoulder roughly for it. They don’t actually look to be doing any training, their strange trio, rather watching Eren’s group shuffle around nervously into lines while Shadis waits for them with rapidly mounting impatience.

They’re given a lecture because that’s Shadis’ trademark at this point and Eren tunes out because it’s _horses_ , honestly what is there to learn about them other than how to sit on them? He catches bits and pieces of Shadis’ tirade while his concentration drifts, something about hooves and trampling and that’s enough to snap him back to the present but by the time he focuses, Shadis is already beckoning Jean forward first towards a large bay.

“Oh, they must know each other,” Eren mutters and Armin smothers his laugh into the crook of his elbow, trying to disguise it as a cough. “Do you think they’re related?”

 _”Eren,”_ Armin chastises with absolutely no heat, cheeks reddening from the effort of suppressing his laughter. Mikasa rolls her eyes but even she looks amused so this day is already shaping up to be a good one.

They take it in turns after that, Shadis instructing them how to approach the horse without spooking it, how to hold their hands to let the beast sniff them. Turns out horses are actually kind of terrifying up close and Eren’s not too keen on their hooves either. He has no idea what Shadis was saying before but “hooves” and “trampling” swirls around his head on repeat often enough to fray his nerves a little.

Which is bad because the horses can _smell_ fear and it agitates them and it’s just Eren’s luck that the great beast he’s standing in front of happens to be a flighty little shit that rears up the moment he gets close. Shadis is there in a heartbeat, though, shoving the horse to one side with a hand on its flank and not even the slightest twitch of fear.

“Get it together, Jaeger!” Shadis barks at him, shoving Eren back to the line. “Ackerman, you’re up next!”

Apparently the risk of the horses trampling them all to death on a whim is too great to let them all attempt to mount up at once, so once they’ve all had a turn petting the horses Shadis sends them all to stand by the fence and calls them up one by one. Jean goes first again because he’s right at home among his family members - a comment that draws a snicker from everyone who hears it - so Eren hops up on the fence to watch the proceedings with rapidly fading interest.

It’s not that Eren doesn’t like horses, he’s entirely indifferent to their existence, and he gets that outside the walls his horse is probably going to be the only thing standing between him and a titan. But there’s nothing interesting about sitting on a horse's back and it seems like something that you can’t really do wrong.

Or so he’d thought. He watches Jean get bucked right off his mount only a few seconds after parking his ass in the saddle and Eren laughs so hard he cries.

“Trouble with the relatives!” Sasha yells and the rest of them fall about again.

Surprisingly, it’s Sasha herself that excels on horseback, which makes sense when Eren recalls that she hails from Dauper. She controls her mount exceptionally, turning the dappled gray mare in tight circles and executing a series of perfect jumps without breaking a sweat. The cadets all cheer for her when she dismounts and she grins, giving an exaggerated bow.

While Eren waits for his turn with the beasts, his mind wanders and he finds himself glancing over towards Isabel and her companions. She and Farlan are perched on the fence posts, legs swinging as they talk, but the third member of their trio has elected not to join them and is instead leaning back against it, an expression of complete boredom on his face. Again, they’re all clad in the green cloaks of the scouts, which only serves to make Eren more curious about their origins.

He knows they’re from underground, from what Isabel had told him it seemed like they had an impossibly difficult life before coming up here, but Eren can’t quite understand how that could be the case. It would seem like an underground city would be a paradise, away from the terrors of the surface, but from what Isabel had said it was more like a prison within a prison. Part of Eren is deeply curious to see it with his own eyes, as small as that possibility may be, but he reckons he could probably settle for some answers from Isabel if he ever gets the chance to talk with her again.

She catches his eye then, almost like she can feel him staring and she turns her wide smile in his direction, waving frantically the moment she spots him. He waves back with a half-smile and he feels more than he sees Mikasa tense beside him.

“Who’s that?” She asks softly, suspicion lacing her tone.

“She’s the girl who helped me with the gear, remember, I told you?”

Mikasa hums and Eren gets the distinct impression Mikasa isn’t too pleased about that fact. Which is fair, it’s nothing personal against Isabel, but part of the reason none of the other cadets had been willing to help Eren learn is because they’d all been terrified of what Mikasa would do to them. She’s made it no secret that she doesn’t want Eren joining the scouts, but she’s just going to have to live with his decision. His mind’s been made up for years.

Farlan also turns to look in Eren’s direction, brow pinching as he says something to Isabel that Eren can’t hear from this distance. Isabel’s answer seems to clear up the confusion and Farlan rolls his eyes before giving Eren an exaggerated wave too. Eren grins at that, waving back just as enthusiastically and the three of them share a laugh at their antics before something relatively hard thwacks into Eren’s temple and knocks him backwards off the fencepost.

“Jaeger!” Shadis roars. “Since you think you have time to piss about in my training sessions, you can get your scrawny ass over here and show everyone else how it’s done!”

Ah, shit.

He picks himself up with as much dignity as he can muster, which isn’t a lot all told, and resolutely ignores the snickers of his classmates as he makes his way towards Shadis and the bay he has waiting for him. The horse isn’t huge but it’s still larger than Eren is comfortable with, having never come this close to the business end of a horse before today. The beast regards him with disinterested eyes and Eren holds out his hand to let it sniff him before he takes the reins from Shadis.

Okay, so, yeah, he probably should have been paying a little more attention because he doesn’t actually have any idea how to get on the stupid thing. Logic dictates that he should use the hangy metal bits on the saddle - stirrups, right, of course - and grab onto the… sticky up bit on the saddle to haul himself up. Yeah, that seems like as good a plan as any so that’s what he does. It takes a good few tries for him to get up enough momentum for him to throw his leg over onto the beast’s back, but thankfully it doesn’t move while he tries it and he gets himself seated without too much difficulty.

“Go ahead, Jaeger,” Shadis says with a terrifying glint in his eyes. “Since you apparently know all this already, show us mere mortals how it’s done.”

Well, fuck. Point made, Shadis, yeah, Eren has no idea how to make the thing go and he doesn’t really fancy getting thrown off like Jean did, but as long as he holds onto the reins and keeps his feet in the stirrups he should be okay.

...Right?

He sits there for a minute or so, wracking his brains in the hope that he’d paid some sort of subconscious attention when Shadis was speaking before, but nope, he’s drawing a complete blank on how to make the horse do _anything._ Despairingly, he throws a panicked glance towards his classmates who are _no_ help, they’re all just _laughing_ at him, the bastards. He glances towards Isabel briefly, but his gaze darts back again when she makes a gesture for him to look at her. She grins, pointing down to her legs, and mimes flicking her ankles.

Eren stares at her. She does it again and even Farlan joins in, pointing with exaggerated movements towards Isabel’s legs. She bounces on the fencepost, making that weird movement with her legs again, like she’s squeezing them together, and realisation sweeps over Eren all at once. Turning his attention back to the beast beneath him, he tentatively touches his heels to the horse’s sides. Nothing happens so he does it again a little harder and with a shake of its great head, the horse eases into a steady walk.

“Oh, thank god,” Eren mutters, gripping the reins tightly. The horse doesn’t seem to care much about Eren’s minor freakout in the saddle and responds with little issue when Eren instinctively tugs on the left side of the reins to get it to turn. Another touch of his heels to its sides brings the horse to trot and that’s uncomfortable for all of twenty seconds before Eren figures out how to move with the horse instead of just bouncing around in the saddle like an idiot.

“Yeah!” Isabel crows from the fencepost, hollering like a banshee. “Way to go, Eren!”

“Go faster!” Farlan yells, tugging on one of Isabel’s pigtails. Eren laughs and eases the horse into whatever the hell the next one up from a trot is. It’s not quite a gallop, he knows that one, and the horse isn’t going fast enough for that, but its gait is still fast enough for Eren to handle right now, fluid and weirdly exciting and Eren finds that maybe horses aren’t so bad after all. At least he’s managed not to get thrown off the damn thing.

Shadis calls him back after that and it’s not too hard to get the horse to stop, though he does have to look to Isabel for guidance again. Thankfully these animals are ridiculously well trained, as she’d said they had been, and Eren’s starting to suspect that the horse only threw Jean because Shadis wanted to teach them a lesson.

Eren hops off the horse with very little grace and stumbles a bit but doesn’t fall, so all in all he counts that as a pretty solid win. He doesn’t return to his classmates, though, deciding to take the proverbial plunge and jogs over to where Isabel is sat with her brothers. She’s grinning so he’s not too terrified about it, even if the dark-haired guy is still a little intimidating.

“Nice one, Eren!” Isabel says, leaning forward to slap her palm to his in victory. “You did look a little bit like you were gonna shit yourself, though.”

“Yeah, it was a bit touch and go there for a sec, so that was a distinct possibility” Eren admits, prompting a laugh from Farlan. “Thanks for the tip though, I probably should’ve been paying more attention.”

“Yeah, well, I can’t blame you,” Isabel says, frowning at Shadis. “You look like you got stuck with the worst instructor. Who pissed in his oatmeal is what I wanna know.”

“He’s not too bad,” Eren starts, then stops and lowers his voice. “Actually, yeah, he’s the worst. One of our cadets stole a potato from the mess hall and he had her running laps until dusk.”

“For a potato?” Isabel says, aghast. “Man, he must be a real hardass.”

“Who do you guys train with?”

“Us? Mainly the section commanders. We don’t need a lot of training ‘cause we’re _awesome,_ but for the most part it’s whoever they can palm us off to. Like we need babysitting.”

“Yeah, well, you’ve proved that if you don’t have someone watching your ass, you steel 3DM gear and go running off into the woods,” Farlan points out.

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Eren says, wincing. “That was my fault, she was just helping me out.”

“Oh, we know,” Farlan says, grinning. “Yeah, We heard all about it. She wouldn’t stop talking about how she was saving your ass from a lifetime in the interior. Which I don’t get at _all_ , by the way.”

“Matter of personal pride,” is all Eren offers. Isabel gives him a wink privately and he grins. “Interior life’s not for me.”

“You gonna join the scouts, too?” Farlan asks, whistling when Eren nods. “You got balls, kid, that’s all I’m saying. Given the choice, I’d happily haul ass to the interior and never look back. Unfortunately, though, looks like I’ll be riding out there with these other idiots. Can’t trust them not to get killed unless I’m around.”

“Yeah, like Levi’s not gonna be the one saving your ass when a titan decides _your_ ass looks tasty,” Isabel snaps, smacking the back of Farlan’s head.

Unbidden, and definitely against his better judgement, Eren’s eyes slide over to their silent third, now that he has a name to go with the face. _Levi._ Suits him somehow, though Eren hasn’t yet heard him utter a word and he looks equal parts ready to fall asleep or kill someone. He’s weirdly pretty, which isn’t really a word Eren’s ever attributed to a guy before. It’s true though, he has to admit. Blank expression aside, the guy’s got nice eyes and an attractive profile and Eren finds himself wondering if the reason the guy’s so pale is because he’s from the underground. It doesn’t seem polite to ask and Eren - temper aside - has enough self-preservation instincts not to mention that he knows.

He gets the impression that Isabel probably wasn’t meant to tell him any of that. Actually, he knows she wasn’t, she’d said it was a secret, after all.

“So you guys train separately?” Eren asks, desperate to prolong the conversation in the hopes he might be able to ask Isabel for some 3DM gear pointers. “Is it because you’re older?”

“Older, wiser, better,” Farlan says, grinning. “Kind of. I guess you could call us _late bloomers._ Got snatched up by section commander Smith himself. At least blondie knows talent when he sees it.”

Finally, an opening. “Hey, speaking of talent--”

He doesn’t get the chance to ask. Quicker than lightning, the silent third of the group, Levi, shoots a hand out, roughly boxing Eren’s shoulder and sending him stumbling back a good few steps. Before Eren can respond - and forget the fact that this guys an underground thug, what the _hell_ , you can’t just _punch_ someone - Levi jerks his head, indicating without words that it would be in Eren’s best interest to turn around.

“Look alive, brat,” Levi says flatly and the timbre of his voice actually makes the hairs on the back of Eren’s neck stand up, as low and unexpected as it is. “I reckon you’ve got about ten seconds to get your ass back over to your knitting circle before Shadis decides to actually kill you.”

Eren glances back and notes with no small amount of dismay that Levi is, in fact, correct. Shadis is staring him down - and if looks could kill, holy shit - and the only reason he isn’t storming over here to yank Eren back by the scruff of his neck is because he’s trying to stop Connie from tackling Sasha.

“Ah, crap,” Eren mutters. “Thanks for the heads up. See you around, Isa?”

“Oh, sure thing, Eren!” Isabel chirps, looking delighted.

He waves absently and jogs back to their group in time to hear Connie yelling something about Sasha and sabotage that he assumes either Mikasa or Armin will explain later, but he can’t really focus because his mind keeps straying back to that odd trio from the underground.

When he glances back in their direction again, all three of them are gone.

* * *

“I don’t know much about them,” Eren says for probably the fifth time since their evening dismissal. He’s lying flat on his bunk, Mikasa curled up on the far end by his feet, Armin on the floor by his head with his back against the bunk’s frame. Thankfully, Shadis had been too distracted by Sasha and Connie’s altercation that afternoon to give Eren a suitable punishment for slacking off, so he got off lightly for once in his life. But that still hasn’t stopped Mikasa from giving him the third degree about his new acquaintances.

“The girl seems nice,” Armin offers and Eren appreciates the effort. Armin’s always been good at keeping the peace whenever Mikasa and Eren butt heads and Eren takes the statement for what it is: Armin offering support while Mikasa considers shaving off the girl’s pigtails.

It’s not a jealousy thing, Eren knows that. Mikasa’s got no problem with Eren making friends, they’d probably argue a hell of a lot more if she did, but then again Eren’s never been the most _personable_ kind of guy. No, it’s not jealousy, she just doesn’t have a clue who these new people are so she hasn’t had enough of a chance to get a read on them. She’s not jealous, she just doesn’t trust them, and if she doesn’t trust them, she doesn’t want them near Eren.

If he were a better person, he’d appreciate it.

But he’s not, so he hates it, and illustrates that by reaching out to sharply tug on the back of her scarf. She thumps him hard in the shin for it, making him squawk.

“She’s okay,” Eren says with a half-shrug. “Kind of loud, weirdly cheerful. Like _all_ the time. I don’t think she knows how to be sad.”

“That’s a good thing, isn’t it?” Armin asks, tilting his head back to see Eren better.

“Yeah, I guess. Kind of annoying though. But yeah, she’s nice enough, I guess. Those guys with her are weird, though. The blonde one’s okay, he seems kind of funny, but the other guy’s kind of terrifying.”

“Yeah, he does have that kind of face,” Armin agrees. “Like he’s trying to decide whether to kill you or not.”

Eren nods, lowering his voice even though no one else in the room is paying attention to their quiet little group. “Apparently… Apparently, they’re from the underground.”

Yeah, okay, Isabel had trusted him with that secret and he feels a _little_ bad just saying it like that, but he tells Mikasa and Armin anything, and it’s not like they’re the kind of people to go blabbing that shit to anyone who’ll listen. Also he kind of wants to see their reactions and they don’t disappoint.

Armin’s eyes go all wide and he wriggles round so he’s kneeling up beside Eren’s bunk, leaning forward like Eren’s just told him the secrets of the universe. Even Mikasa leans closer, expression shifting into one of intrigued curiosity.

“Like, the city under the interior?” Armin probes, voice barely above a whisper. “It’s real? I always thought it was a rumour.”

“Yeah, so did I,” Eren says. “But the way she talked about it, she seemed to be telling the truth. She says it’s real bad down there, like everyone steals and kills because there aren’t any laws. Funny, isn’t it? That the MPs are right above them but there’s all that crime happening right beneath their feet.”

“Is it bad that I kind of want to see it?” Armin wonders, looking a little sheepish. Eren shakes his head, grinning. It makes sense, Armin’s got one of those brains that wants to know everything, so it’s no surprise that he wants to know more about the secretive city beneath them.

“I’d like to know more but Isabel’s always around those two guys. She says they’re like her brothers and I guess ‘cause she’s younger they’re kind of protective. Sucks though, because we don’t train together we won’t get the chance to ask.”

“I wonder why we don’t train together,” Mikasa murmurs, tracing her fingers over the edge of her scarf. Thing’s starting to look ratty as hell but she still won’t let go of it.

“I don’t know,” Eren shrugs. “Isabel said something about them being part of section commander Smith’s project, but she’s surprisingly tight-lipped about it.”

“Oh, this is painful,” Armin laments. “I really want to know, now.”

“Well, that’s my goal,” Eren says with a grin. “I’m hoping I’ll get the chance to ask at some point. I mean, if I’m gonna be a scout, I’ll run into them properly at some point. I just hope I don’t have to wait that long. Not knowing is killing me.”

“You’re so nosy,” Mikasa chides with no real heat. Eren still tugs on a lock of her hair to annoy her and, as always, she responds with immediate violence because she is the _worst_ , pinching the fleshy bit at the back of Eren’s thigh and making him yelp and smack her hand away. At least that gets a smile out of her, however small, so he can’t be _too_ mad at her for taking the opportunity to abuse him when he’s tired and defenceless.

The call for lights out comes not much later and Mikasa bids them a sleepy farewell before slipping out and heading for the women’s barracks. Eren wonders if it’s quieter in there than it is in the men’s because he knows one of these days he’s going to snap and smother them all in their sleep. Even Armin isn’t safe, he snores worse than all of them, even Reiner, who sounds like the thundering of hooves when he gets going. In all this time, Eren still isn’t used to it, and no matter how tired his body may be from the day’s training, he’s always the last to fall asleep.

Which is how he hears the soft voices, faint and barely there, caught by the wind and the other soft sounds of the night, but still unmistakable as voices, and their unexpected presence is enough to snatch Eren back from the edge of sleep he’s been cresting on for the past ten minutes.

“...Quiet... _Isabel_ …”

Eren’s eyes snap open proper and he sits up - too sharply - and smacks his head on the bunk above him with enough force to send his eyes watering and rattle the teeth in his skull. Still, he bites back the stream of curses he wants to let out in favour of slipping silently out of bed, creeping over to the window to listen.

_“...Suspicious… Supposed to… By now...”_

_“...Voice down…”_

Eren can’t boast exceptional hearing and the people outside are too cautious of possible eavesdroppers - rightly so, as it turns out - to speak too loudly, but Eren can hear the bubbly pitch of Isabel’s voice no matter how hard she tries to keep quiet, it’s not in her nature to be silent. It’s frustrating, though, because she’s the only one Eren can hear clearly, but she’s also the one the other two are attempting to keep silent.

He doesn’t know for certain that both Farlan and Levi are with her, but it’s a pretty educated guess if he assumes so, being that they’re never far from each other. Of Farlan’s voice Eren can pick up snatches and every third word or so, but Levi’s voice is far too low to pick up more than a scrap of.

_“Running… time… Don't know… Act soon.”_

_“...Risky… Never alone...”_

_“It’s not my fault!”_

_"Isabel, be quiet!"_

Eren stiffens as though he’s the one being chided, pressing himself closer to the wall as though that will help him hear better. It doesn’t, obviously, but something has the hairs along his arms prickling with unease. It’s probably the height of discourteousness for Eren to be so suspicious, but all he can think about, all his mind can focus on, is that there’s every possibility that these three “former” criminals… Might be here for very different reasons than to join the scouts.

Eren should go back to sleep. He should get back into bed and forget he ever overheard any of this, and it would be so easy to do just that. He’s barely heard a thing anyway, nothing that would mean anything if he repeated it.

Except he knows that’s not quite true. Words like _suspicious_ and _risky_ and _act soon_ when put together are enough to alarm even Eren, who possesses the intellect of a damn _rock_. Skulking outside the barracks in the dead of night is suspicious enough, and Eren _knows_ there’s something going on. But he’s not Armin, he’s never been the curious type, preferring things spoken plainly rather than reading between the gaps of what people say to find possible malicious intent. Eren’s always been the type to speak with his fists, not dance around like some kind of--

Something smacks hard against the window pane, a rock maybe, more likely an open palm, and it startles a cry out of Eren before he can stifle it, tumbling back onto his ass with a hand clamped over his mouth to muffle his unsteady breathing.

Suddenly he has no trouble hearing the voices from outside.

“You can either come out on your own, or I’ll come in and get you, and trust me, you _don’t_ want that.”

Levi.

Eren considers it. They don’t know that it’s him. If he just climbed back into bed, there’s no way for them to tell who it was that made that noise. He could ignore the command that’s sent his blood running cold, and he could get away with it. They don’t know that--

“ _Now_ , Eren.”

...Shit.

Well, Eren’s no coward, that much has always been true. Steeling himself, he gets up onto shaking legs and slowly makes his way towards the door of the barracks. Everyone else is asleep, completely undisturbed by the fact that Eren may well be going outside to meet his fucking maker, and maybe he should wake Armin, tell him to run for Mikasa, or Shadis or, hell, just go and get a really big stick and come to his rescue himself. But he doesn’t do that. Of course he doesn’t. He walks out there alone and unarmed because Eren’s always had more courage than common sense.

He was right, for all the good it does. That strange trio, Isabel, Farlan, Levi, are standing just outside the window Eren sleeps beside. They at least _look_ to be unarmed, but that’s no comfort, not when Eren starts thinking about the creative ways thugs from the underground probably know how to kill a person with their bare hands. He wonders, slightly frantically, if he’d be able to outrun them if it came to that. But he knows that’s not how this is going to go down. Eren’s never run from a fight in his life. He’s not about to start now.

“Damn it, Eren,” Isabel sighs with all the disapproval of an older sibling. Farlan’s arm twitches and Isabel punches him - hard - when Eren flinches instinctively. “Don’t _scare_ him, Farlan!”

“I’m not scared,” Eren snaps and-- oh no. No, he already knows what’s going to happen and he knows he isn’t going to be able to stop it. He doesn’t have Mikasa and Armin here to cover for him, doesn’t have anyone at his back to stop him from running his stupid mouth before he can unhinge the damn thing and insert his entire foot into it. No, he’s completely on his own here and he just _knows_ he’s going to say something stupid. “The hell are the three of you doing out here anyway? Skulking around all suspicious, talking about _risks_?”

...God _damn_ it, Jaeger.

An odd expression passes over Farlan’s face at that, but in the dim light of the overcast moon, Eren can’t be entirely sure, but it looks like he’s trying not to laugh. Levi looks just as constipated as always, but regardless of her brothers’ opinions on Eren’s bravado, Isabel laughs freely and without restraint.

“See?” She says, folding her arms. “I told you he wasn’t a snitch.”

“That remains to be seen,” Levi says, low and dangerous and ice creeps down Eren’s spine at the sound of it. “Just because the idiot doesn’t know when to be scared doesn’t mean he’s no snitch.”

“He could’a ratted me out about the gear,” Isabel points out and Eren is silently _so_ grateful to her in that moment he has no idea if he can ever verbalise it. “But he didn’t and I’m pretty sure Shadis ran him hard because of it.”

“I wouldn’t,” Eren adds earnestly. “I wouldn’t stab you in the back like that. You _helped_ me.”

“See!” Isabel says again, gesturing wildly. “He’s a good kid, don’t go all _hard_ on him just because he overheard us. We prob’ly woke him up.”

“I doubt it,” Levi says, regarding Eren with too much ice in his gaze. “You really want to vouch for this kid, Isabel? It’s all our necks on the line if he squawks.”

“What would I even say?” Eren demands hotly. “That three weirdos were skulking outside my window, mumbling to themselves? I didn’t even _hear_ anything. All I heard was you saying something about risks and acting soon. That’s literally it. And I don’t even _want_ to know what you were talking about. It’s none of my damn business.”

“C’mon, Levi,” Isabel says, tugging his sleeve. “Kid’s not got a bad bone in his body. Please?”

An eternity passes while Levi appraises Eren and Eren does his best not to squirm under that frigid gaze. Farlan offers no words for or against Eren, doesn’t seem to need to, because after that eternity stretches on, Levi nods and gestures for the other two to walk away.

For some reason, Isabel opens her mouth to say something else, but Farlan forestalls her with a cautionary hand on her shoulder. To Eren’s utter horror, the both of them begin to walk away, leaving him alone with Levi.

“C’mere, kid,” Levi sighs once they’re gone, beckoning with a finger. Swallowing hard, Eren obeys, taking a few hesitant steps closer to where the other man-- no, _boy_ , he _can’t_ be more than a year or so older. He’s nearly a foot shorter than Eren, for god’s sake. But for all the youthfulness to his face, there’s nothing young about him. It’s his eyes. The rest of him is adolescent for sure, but his eyes. Eren’s seen those exact eyes copied into the faces of his friends, knows that his own eyes bear the identical cast of them.

They’ve seen things that people their ages should never have to see.

“Look, you don’t have to worry. I wouldn’t do anything to--”

Levi lunges for him. Eren doesn’t have the time to react, doesn’t even have the time to _think_ about reacting, before his back hits the wooden wall beside the window and Levi has a hand clamped over his mouth and a knife blade pressed to his throat.

“I’m going to make this _really_ easy for you,” Levi says and somehow his expression hasn’t changed in the slightest. He still looks bored, flat and expressionless, but his eyes glint with the promise of incredible pain if Eren doesn’t cooperate. “See, Isabel’s the soft one so she’ll put in a good word for anyone if she thinks they might deserve it. But _I_ know that even if you’re barely old enough to be out of your crib, you can still fuck people over. I don’t _know_ you. I don’t _trust_ you. So I’m only going to say this once.”

He leans in close and Eren sucks in a sharp breath through his nose as the blade presses harder against his throat.

“Breathe a word to _anyone_ about what happened tonight, and I’ll feed you your own entrails. Got it?”

Eren can’t nod, can’t speak to confirm with how tight Levi’s got him held against the wall. Somehow he finds the breath to hum out an affirmation and it wavers pitifully in a way that would make him sick if he weren’t so conscious of exactly how close he is to dying very, _very_ painfully.

But at the very least his terrified assent is enough for Levi and he releases him, sheathing the blade with a lightning-fast flick of his wrist. Eren’s too scared to even speculate about where the blade is currently stored, but he has the creeping suspicion that it won’t take much of a mistake on his part to find out.

“Good. Don’t make me regret this choice, Eren.”

Without a backward glance, Levi follows after his friends, leaving Eren icy-cold and alone, panting while his legs give out and he’s left propped up against the wall while the last vestiges of adrenaline begin to gradually fade from his blood.


	3. Chapter 3

Their first month above ground is… difficult.

Levi hadn’t really known what to expect and that uncertainty had made him wary. More so than he ever had been below ground, where a knife between the ribs was far more common, but he knows how to guard against the threats that lurk in the subterranean shadows. He knows what to look out for, knows how to watch his own back as well as the backs of his friends. Up here where everything is bright and loud and confusing, Levi doesn’t know what to make of any of it.

The first week had been the hardest. He’s not a complete gutter rat, he’s seen the sunlight before, back when he was even shorter and knew how to slip past the stairway guards without being seen. But actually being up here, with the sun beating down endlessly, he’d been beset by near-constant headaches and couldn’t spend more than about ten minutes outside without some sort of covering for his eyes. Farlan and Isabel adjusted much faster than he did, but he still doesn’t know if that was because they were too happy to be below a blue sky to care about the pain, or if they just didn’t need as long to adjust as he did, but it still left a bitter taste in his mouth when he had to slip away to the cooler shade of the barracks after his eyes started throbbing.

He could’ve pushed through it, that’s not the issue. The issue is that Levi had wanted so badly for the sunlight to burn away the vestiges of his underground life than even now still feels as though it’s clinging to his skin. He’d hoped that just being up here would be enough to cleanse him of it’s vile, cloying grasp.

It got easier after the first couple of weeks, but it was a setback he hadn’t expected and for those first two weeks he was deeply resentful of that tiny part of him that actually _wanted_ to slink back underground in defeat.

He never would, never _will_ , but every time he’s left unbalanced by the weird ways people on the surface like to lead their lives, that traitorous, muted desire rears its head and Levi has to dig his fingernails into his palms until the urge subsides.

He can’t deny, though, that the world above ground has its charms. Grass is pretty good and the soft breeze is nothing to scoff at either, fresh and tinged with the resinous scent of pine that feels as though it’s clearing out the decay festering in Levi’s lungs from nearly two decades spent in that fucking pit. It’s… nice. And Levi doesn’t know what the hell he’s meant to do with _nice_.

Isabel’s in her fucking element, and honestly Levi’s almost certain he’d’ve given this whole thing up that first week if she hadn’t been beside him. Farlan, level-headed as he always is, takes everything in his stride with little complaint, but he’s too busy trying to stop Levi from smothering their asshole section commander in his sleep to wax lyrical about the joys of life above ground. No, it’s Isabel - no surprises there - that helps Levi to adjust.

She’s still young - not much younger to be fair, but still - so the stench of the underground hasn’t stained her in the same way it has Levi and Farlan. Or mostly Levi, who’s beginning to think with no small amount of dismay, that he might already be too set in his ways to truly enjoy a life above ground. But whenever that thought rears its ugly head, Levi only has to look to Isabel to soothe the disquiet.

She’s a fucking menace and it’s wonderful. Every day for two weeks they have to take on extra laundry duty because the damn girl gets every singly item of her clothing absolutely covered in grass stains. She likes to roll down the hill from the barracks to the range every morning rather than walk like a normal person, and Levi had chastised her for it once before he gave in. Her excitable laughter is the only thing easing his frayed temper these days, so it’s best to just let her get on with it.

He wonders, not for the first time, if she’s forgotten that they actually have a job to do up here. He considers reminding her many times but never goes through with it, because she’s a fucking kid and she should never have had to do half the stuff she has, never should’ve had to stain her hands with blood the same way Levi has. So he keeps his mouth shut, doesn’t say a word, and decides without consulting either of his friends that he will be the one to fulfill their contract with Lovoff.

Levi knows he’s going to kill Erwin Smith. That’s a fact, done deal, end of and goodbye. That’s the only reason they’re here, playing soldier and making nice while they wait for the right moment to strike. It was a simple enough play, get the documents back, kill the section commander, slink away in the aftermath with a shining badge of citizenship washing away their sins from below ground. Levi doesn’t doubt that he can get the job done, he’s killed stronger men than tall, blonde and unfortunately-browed, but the only issue is _when._

Smith is never at the compound, so Levi’s already made his peace with the fact that he’s going to have to follow them outside the walls if he wants to actually slit the bastard’s throat. He’d been hoping it wouldn’t go that far, that he wouldn’t have to put Isabel and Farlan’s lives at risk, but he figures that was always going to be a possibility. It’s no more difficult than any other job they’ve taken, or it wouldn’t be if they didn’t have to worry about ten-meter-tall humanoid monsters trying to bite their heads off.

And that’s a _whole_ other fucking issue on its own. Titans. Levi’s not a fucking idiot, he knows about them, even underground people were terrified of them. By the time they’d been above ground a full month, Levi had already seen dozens of scouts leave and not come back. For whatever reason, though, the scouts haven’t ventured out past wall Rose in over three months, and that reeks of suspicion. He can’t get the thought out of his head once it flits in, unbidden, but Levi’s gotten this far in life by listening to his instincts, so he’s sure as fuck not going to stop now.

For some reason, Lovoff wants the survey corps dissolved. Levi wouldn’t give two shits either way about whether or not these suicidal morons get to flit about outside the walls or not, but when they’re forced to sit around with their thumbs up their asses, he can’t help but be pissed with the whole situation. Every day they spend idly around the compound is another day eyebrows gets to walk around without Levi’s knife in his back, more distance between them and their citizenship above ground.

Levi refuses to send Isabel and Farlan back down there. He refuses to fail and send them all back down to hell. No matter how much Levi might feel like _he_ doesn’t deserve to feel the sunlight on his skin, he won’t condemn Isabel and Farlan to a short, sickly life back in the dark. But he won’t let them risk their lives outside the walls either.

Talk about being caught between a rock and a fucking hard place.

And then Isabel just has to go and make a _friend_ , and while Levi’s so _fucking_ pleased - internally, always fucking internally, why can’t he fucking _say_ any of this to the damn kid - that she’s thriving up here, he knows he has to remind her of their job up here before she gets too carried away.

But he’s literally never seen her smile this much in his life. He won’t be the one to wipe that smile away.

“I really wish we could train with the other cadets,” Isabel says for quite literally the fiftieth time, gazing forlornly in the direction of the main training compound. She’s bored which is fair enough, they’ve hacked the fucking training dummies to bits at this point and there’s nothing the scouts can teach the three of them about the 3DM gear that they don’t already know, and not a single one of the corps is brave enough to attempt to take them on in hand-to-hand, so there really isn’t much for them to do except sit around and get sunburned and lazy.

It’s not a _bad_ life, but Levi’s not used to this level of indolence. It prickles along his skin like a rash.

“There’s this one girl over there, I saw her when I snuck away last week. She’s even better with the gear than _you_ , Levi!”

Levi doesn’t rise to the bait like she so clearly wants him to. Not verbally, anyway. He still throws an apple at the back of her head when she turns back around to continue drawing messy sketches in the sand with a stick. She squawks and turns around to thump him for it, but he keeps her away with a palm against her forehead.

“If you want it so bad, then just ask,” Farlan says from where he’s sprawled out on the ground in an inelegant starfish, staring at the sky like it’s the most riveting thing he’s ever seen. Lucky bastard. Levi still gets headaches if he’s outside for too long but Farlan’s had _no_ difficulty adjusting. It makes Levi feel ancient and he’s not even halfway to eighteen.

“Yeah, but then they might actually make me _work_ ” Isabel says, relaxing in the hopes that Levi will let go of her face and drop his guard so she can actually hit him. He doesn’t. She wriggles and scratches at his hand so he moves it to tug on one of her pigtails.

“They make us work anyway,” Farlan points out, frowning. “I never did this much laundry when we were underground.”

“I know,” Levi says testily. “It was the bane of my fucking existence.”

Levi doesn’t particularly mind that they’re treated like servants by the rest of the scouts. He might, a couple of years ago, but right now he’s so restless he’d take literally any job they tossed his way, and cleaning’s always been calming for him so he doesn’t protest, even when the scouts drop six full baskets into the washroom right after he’s just gotten through the first four. He’s biding his time, that’s all this is, and with any luck he’ll get to wet his blade with more than just Smith’s blood when the time comes. He’s got a fucking bone to pick with section commander Flagon after all. And that sniffy bastard Zacharias. Levi’s going to make that one _hurt._ Shoving Levi’s fucking face into a dirty puddle. The fuck does that guy think he is?

“Maybe I will, then,” Isabel says, looking thoughtful. “I like that angry kid, the one I taught to balance in the gear. You remember, right?”

Yes, Levi remembers, if only because Isabel hadn’t stopped talking about it for a full fucking week after it happened. She’d been so damn proud of herself, like she’d passed on the gift of knowledge that Levi and Farlan had first given her when she joined their little group. Despite appearances, Levi doesn’t have the heart to tell her that it sounds like the kid was just saddled with faulty equipment rather than sucking ass at the maneuver gear.

He suspects she already knows, anyway.

“Well, if you wanna train with them, don’t drag me into it,” Farlan says with a heavy sigh. “No way I want to spend my free time babysitting a bunch of sparkly-eyed idiot brats.”

Levi concurs wholeheartedly. He’s stressed enough already without adding a group of snot-nosed little shits to the list of reasons why he really wants to start a fight. Once more the ugly thought that he’d be better off back below ground rears its head and he shoves it forcefully back into the furthest recesses of his mind.

“Don’t be such a killjoy,” Isabel says, sticking her leg out to kick the bottom of Farlan’s foot with her own. “Don’t act like you wouldn’t _love_ to show off to them. They’d fawn all over you if they could see you with the gear and you’d eat that shit up.”

“Maybe,” Farlan says dismissively, though his grin is too wide for it to have the affect he was aiming for. “Actually, yeah, I would. Ask the section commander if we can train with them, I could use a laugh.”

“Fine, I will!” Isabel declares, scrambling to her feet and kicking sand absolutely everywhere. She’s gone before Levi can yank her ass back down, so rather than complain he just kicks Farlan hard in the arm for giving her such a bad idea.

“Oh, come on!” Farlan protests, rubbing his arm with a wince. “Don’t tell me you’d rather sit here doing jack shit all day. At least training with the rookies means we’d be doing _something.”_

“As far as the bigwigs are concerned, _we’re_ the newbies, dumbass,” Levi points out, moving to kick him again. Farlan clocks on, though, and rolls away before Levi’s foot can connect with his ribs or his head. “And what’s the point? Why even bother training the idiots, it’s not like they’ll get the chance to get out of the walls. Lovoff’s going to shut the scouts down as soon as he can. That’s why we’re here, remember?”

“Well, yeah,” Farlan says, sitting up properly and brushing sand off of his shirt. “But that’s only if we can… _you know.”_

Kill Erwin. Yeah, Levi knows.

“I don’t get it,” Farlan sighs and Levi’s left momentarily confused because it doesn’t match up with what they were just talking about. He frowns at the strange change in topic but thankfully - or not, depending on Levi’s mood - Farlan’s feeling talkative so Levi doesn’t have to wonder for too long. “Isa said that kid was, like, _desperate_ to join the scouts. They’re giving up a life in the interior for the chance to die and I can’t get my head around it.”

“It’s all propaganda,” Levi says with a dismissive shrug. “That’s how they keep replenishing their reserves of martyrs for their cause. Feed idealistic little shits some crap about fighting for the future of humanity and before you know it you’ve got a whole herd of them lining up to be eaten. It’s bullshit, but I can’t fault their cleverness. They know exactly how to spin it so it looks like glory rather than slaughter. Force-feed the brats while their brains are still developing mush. It’s impressively insidious.”

“Yeah,” Farlan breathes, looking mildly queasy about the whole thing, which is good, Levi would judge him if he _didn't_ find the idea of brainwashing kids into dying at least somewhat distasteful. “Apparently there’s some kids over there that were there when wall Maria fell. Saw the titans with their own eyes. Can you imagine seeing that shit so young?”

No, Levi can’t and what’s more he doesn’t particularly want to. And it makes no difference either way. Titans, watching a john beat his mother to near-death, beating that same man’s face in with his fists at the age of eight, it’s all the same level of fucked up and Levi doesn’t particularly care to dwell on any of it. They’ve all seen shit, whether above or below ground, the world is the same everywhere. It’s just that people seem to want to act with more false propriety under the light of the sun. Doesn’t mean there isn’t a fucking tumour at the heart of their “civilisation”. Doesn’t mean that people aren’t evil up here, too. They’re just evil in more subtle ways.

Somehow that’s worse.

“Do you think it’ll be much longer?” Farlan asks after a moment, pulling Levi’s thoughts back from dark places. At Levi’s questioning glance, Farlan continues, “before we’ll get a chance to do what we’re here to do?”

“No idea,” Levi says honestly. “I was hoping to already be done with it by now, but I think Erwin’s playing a game of his own, so I can’t really say with any certainty when the opportunity will present itself. I can’t image he’ll be kind enough to hold still while I try to kill him, so it’s not like I can just walk up behind him and shank him in broad daylight. I was hoping I’d get the chance on one of his expeditions, but Lovoff fucked that up for me quite nicely.”

“Yeah, well, we knew it wasn’t gonna be easy,” Farlan mutters. “I guess we’ll just see what happens.”

It’s the best they can ask for, honestly. They’ve always kept to the credo of never overplanning their jobs. The best plans require some flexibility after all. But it doesn’t mean Levi’s comfortable with just how much they’re having to play this by ear. He’d like a _little_ more certainty, but that’s apparently asking too much. No matter. Levi knows he’ll kill Erwin eventually. Whether in a week or a year, it makes little difference. As long as the job gets done and Isa never has to live in the shadows again, Levi will be satisfied.

“You heard any more from Jan?” Levi asks.

“Not since his last letter,” Farlan says, stretching his legs out with a sigh. “But I reckon he’s busy. He said the doctor has him doing… I forget the word. The moving therapy thing? Isn’t that the weirdest thing? Making an injury better by forcing it to move? Doctors are _terrifying._ ”

Levi shrugs, also ignorant of whatever it is that doctors do, having never seen one in his life. He’s luckier than most in that he’s never needed to, less lucky because he’d had to learn how to properly clean and dress stab wounds by the time he was twelve. But the finer art of medicine is a mystery to him and hopefully it always will be.

And though Levi doesn’t have the emotional attachment to Jan that Farlan does, he’s still concerned about what those so-called interior doctors might be doing to their friend. They didn’t have any doctors below ground, after all, that’s the reason Lovoff’s cronies took Jan in the first place. They struck real fucking lucky when they nabbed Jan, that’s for damn sure. Perfect bargaining tool. Levi still doesn’t understand how Lovoff’s lackeys knew about him but he’s not really surprised. The underground is full of people who’re more than happy to talk if the price is right. Levi would probably count himself among them if offered enough. You can’t really afford _not_ to talk when it promises enough to feed you.

“Well, hopefully you’ll hear from him soon and you can stop moping,” Levi says, ignoring Farlan’s look of indignation. “Don’t give me that, you’ve been moping around more than usual and I _know_ you miss him, but have some pride, for the love of god.”

“Asshole,” Farlan snaps, more fond than he probably means to be. Levi smirks and throws a handful of sand at him, but it’s too hot and too bright to have it out like they used to when they were both bored and restless.

So yeah, turns out life above ground is difficult in a different way, and for the life of him Levi can’t seem to decide which brand of difficulty he prefers.

It’s only early days, though.

Maybe things will change.

* * *

Because he’s an unrepentant asshole, section commander Flagon shoots down Isabel’s request to let them train with the 104th brats without taking the time to even consider the proposition. Levi could’ve called it before Isabel even made the attempt, but even though he’s been proved right he doesn’t take any pleasure in it - for once - because Isabel looks so dejected that he gets up with every intention of making Flagon eat his own face and Farlan has to yank him back down by the collar of his shirt.

Luckily, for both Levi’s hair-trigger temper and Farlan’s fraying peace of mind, Isabel doesn’t stay disappointed for long. She’s always been able to bounce back from shit like that, no matter how fucking miserable, and Levi finds it both remarkable and annoying as all hell. She’s always been the most positive of the three of them and she doesn’t let stuff knock her down for long, and she sort of gets what she wants when the three of them get to sit in on the 104th’s riding lessons.

He recognises Isabel’s weird friend from her descriptions, but even if Levi hadn’t been paying attention whenever she mentioned him - which he wasn’t really, it’s just testament to how often she repeats herself that the description subconsciously stuck - he’d be clued in by the way Isabel nearly tackles the poor kid to the ground.

Aaron, she’d called him, or maybe Errol, Levi wasn’t really listening, and now that Levi’s seen him in person he has to conclude that whatever his name is, he’s unremarkable in every way. Weirdly pretty, kind of tall for his age, strangely coloured eyes that look blue in some light and green in others. But also king of gold?

Weird.

Okay, so maybe not unremarkable, not in looks at least, but Levi couldn’t care less about any of the brats he shares an eating space with. And that’s the extent of the interaction he has with any of them. This is the closest their groups have come to interacting at all and Isabel’s fucking vibrating about it.

“Do you have any idea why she’s so damn excited?” Levi asks, leaning back against the fence and folding his arms.

“Because she grew up in a cesspool and has never had any friends her own age?” Farlan offers, taking an obnoxiously loud bite out of an apple. “Because she’s getting to be a kid for the first time in her life?”

Alright, way to kill the vibe. He’s not _wrong_ , though.

“Fair point,” Levi says, glancing back as Shadis starts bellowing at the kids. Isabel waves goodbye to her weird friend and comes sprinting back over to them, vaulting the fence and getting her foot caught on it, landing square on her ass on the other side.

“Smooth,” Farlan says, taking another bite of his apple. “How’s your boyfriend?”

“Don’t make it weird,” Isabel snaps, punching him in the arm. “Also, boys? Gross.”

Levi has to agree.

They’re not even really meant to be here, they’re only supposed to be taking a short break before Flagon has them running drills again, which is a waste of everyone’s time but at least they won’t be sitting around all day. And once Shadis actually gets the brats to interact with the horses it becomes, without a doubt, the funniest shit Levi has seen since he got up here. He himself doesn’t really have a fucking leg to stand on, because before he left the underground he’d never seen a horse before in his life, but at least he hadn’t been thrown off of one ten seconds after mounting it. It’s the funniest shit to spectate and he comes so close to laughing it’s not even funny, when almost every brat in the class eats absolute shit on the sandy ground of the corral.

Isabel’s laughter rings out each and every time one of the unfortunate cadets gets bucked off, or in the case of the short bald kid, over shoots on mounting and topples over the other side of the saddle with no interference from the placid gelding beneath him whatsoever. That has her hooting so hard Levi half expects her to topple off her perch on the fence, but sadly she stays upright and Levi’s day doesn’t ramp up from mildly amusing to hysterical.

It’s still pretty fucking funny, though.

The kid from before has some kind of problem though. Emmet, Alvin, whatever-the-fuck, keeps glancing over at them like he’s got something to say and Levi’s half tempted to beckon him over and find out what the hell his deal is, but Isabel’s just too damn friendly, waves when she notices him looking and Farlan copies her with a sarcastic grin.

“Aww, I hear wedding bells,” Farlan coos.

“Shut your face,” Isabel says and she’s about to knock him on his ass when Levi lets out an irrepressible snigger of amusement.

Shadis might be an asshole, but he’s got pretty good aim. Fucker lobbed an apple at Arvel’s head and knocked him clean off the fencepost.

“Holy shit, Levi, did you just _laugh?”_ Farlan demands, eyes wide.

Levi shoves him off the fence before Isabel gets the chance.

“What’s that kids name?” Levi asks while Farlan cusses a blue streak and picks himself up off the ground. “The one you’ve attached yourself to?”

“Eren?” Isabel says, turning to him.

 _Eren_. Pretty boy has a pretty name, go figure. “He looks like a dumbass.”

“You can’t say that, you don’t know anything about him,” Isabel argues. “And you should be _nice_ , he was one of the kids from Shiganshina.”

That gives Levi pause. He’d known that there were some kids in the 104th who’d been there that day, but he hadn’t expected it to be tall, tanned, and pretty. He honestly looks just like any other kid, all dorky smiles and gangly youthfulness. He doesn’t look like the kind of brat who’s seen hell on earth.

Neither does Isabel, though.

“That’s rough,” Farlan murmurs sadly. “I can’t imagine what that would do to a person. He seems so… _normal.”_

Maybe, maybe not. It’s not like they know anything about the kids, not even Isabel, for all she acts like they’re old friends, she hasn’t spent more than an hour in this kids company. He might be a fucking lunatic, they don’t know. But Levi has to admit, it takes a particular kind of strength to keep yourself together when you’ve seen the worst the world has to offer.

He opens his mouth to comment on it but doesn’t get the chance because Isabel’s hooting with laughter again and badly pantomiming how to make a horse go to the terrified idiot on the back of a pretty bay. Eren glances at her, eyes wide, and Isabel points to her thighs, miming kicking her heels and even Farlan gets involved. Somehow, the idiotic amateur thespians Levi calls his friends manage to get the message across and Eren manages to coax the horse into a sedate clop around the corral.

“Fucking moron,” Levi comments with some amusement.

“Oh, stuff it, you old fart,” Isabel says, which, _rude_ “Way to go, Eren!”

“Go faster!” Farlan yells, cackling like a loon. “Man, now I really want to train with these brats. I bet it would be hilarious to see one of ‘em collide with a tree when they get their gear wires crossed.”

Okay, yeah, Levi has to agree with that. Maybe training with these brats wouldn’t be so bad, if they’re all as fucking hapless as pretty boy over there. It would liven up the day at least.

“See?” Isabel says. “I’m gonna ask Flagon again. Back me up this time, yeah?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Farlan says, waving her off. “Fine, I’ll help. I could really use a laugh.”

Inordinately pleased with himself after managing to make his horse to the bare minimum of movement, Eren actually jogs over to them, high-fiving Isabel when she stretches her palm out to him. They chat for a bit and Levi tunes out because there’s a dark-haired girl over with the rest of the brats that looks down for murder and that’s ridiculously funny. She hadn’t been paying the three of them any attention until Eren came over, but the moment he did she’d tensed up like a cat spotting a bird and she looks about ten seconds away from marching over here and hauling Eren away by the scruff of his neck.

Girlfriend, probably. Ah, young love. As disgustingly nauseous as it always is.

It’s not the girl Eren should probably be worrying about, though. Shadis looks like he’s about to pop a fucking blood vessel if Eren doesn’t hightail it back to class on the double. Eren boxes the kid’s shoulder to get his attention, mildly surprised when Eren’s affable expression morphs into one of anger. _That’s_ interesting. Like a damp cloth wiping away dirt, the easy-going air from before is immediately taken over by annoyance and it’s such a drastic change that Levi finds himself intrigued.

So the kid’s not just a dorky idiot. Kid’s got some _real_ anger management issues knocking around in there.

 _Very_ interesting.

Well, suppose that answers the question of what seeing titan’s destroy your home does to a person. Whatever Eren’s deal is, there’s a whole mess of shit swirling away beneath the surface.

Brat contains multitudes. Who’d’ve thought.

Before Eren can do something incredibly stupid like swing at him, Levi jerks his head in Shadis’ direction. “I reckon you’ve got about ten seconds to get your ass back over to your knitting circle before Shadis decides to actually kill you.”

That deflates Eren’s puffed-up countenance at once. He curses and bids Isabel - _only_ Isabel, rude little shit - farewell and jogs over to his classmates.

“Did… Did he just call you _Isa?”_ Farlan demands incredulously. “Oh, my god, I’m too young to be a brother-in-law. Slow down, Izzy, you barely know him!”

“You’re so _annoying!”_ Isabel shrieks, lunging for him. Farlan cackles and takes off in a flat sprint to escape her. With a fond roll of his eyes, Levi follows after at a more sedate pace.

* * *

_"I swear to god, be_ quiet, _Isabel.”_

 _"I_ am. _Stop being so damn paranoid.”_

_”I’m not being paranoid. You’re being loud and we’re already making the section commanders suspicious just by being here. We’ve been sitting around for too long. We’re supposed to have dealt with him by now.”_

_”Farlan, keep your fucking voice down.”_

_”I’m fucking nervous, okay? We’re running out of time. We don’t even know if Lovoff’s going to uphold his end of the deal for much longer. We have to act soon or we're going to lose everything we've worked for.”_

_”Don’t you think I know that? What do you want me to do? I can’t kill a man who isn’t_ here, _can I?”_

_”I know it’s risky. Bastard’s never alone even when he is here. We’re going to have to do something to lure him here. I can’t think of anything else.”_

_”We can’t just ask the bastard for a convivial visit. Flagon’s already suspicious as fuck because Isabel won’t stop asking about him like an idiot kid with a crush.”_

_“It’s not my fault!”_

_”Isabel, be quiet!”_

Okay.

So.

Okay, so Levi has maybe kind of fucked up a little bit. He’s prepared to argue that it wasn’t entirely his fault, except it kind of was and _boy_ is Isabel going to give him hell when she finds out what he’s done.

He hadn’t _meant_ to pull a knife on the brat, hadn’t _meant_ to threaten him - though that excuse isn’t going to hold any water once Isabel finds out because he _did_ pull a knife on the brat and he _did_ threaten him. Just a little. It barely counts, really. Levi’s done a hell of a lot worse.

Still not a solid defence, but he’s working with what he’s got.

He probably wouldn’t have acted so harshly if he hadn’t been so on edge. They have a routine between the three of them; a game plan so they don’t draw too much suspicion, where they’ll take it in turns to scope out the section commanders’ quarters for any sign of the documents they’re here to retrieve. They haven’t found shit yet and Levi’s so far beyond suspecting that Erwin’s keeping them on him that he’s careened headfirst into certainty, which has left him angry, pissed, and itching for a fight.

Which isn’t Eren’s fault. Honestly the kid just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. It still doesn’t paint Levi as anything other than a piece of shit for threatening a literal child, but he’s got to try and excuse himself somehow or Isabel’s going to come for his entire life the minute Eren rats him out.

 _If_ he rats him out. Levi’s fully convinced that he will.

But that’s beside the point. Levi’s pissed - still not Eren’s fault - and sick of feeling useless, sick of sitting around doing sweet fuck all without making a single inch of progress towards securing their topside citizenship.

And thing is… Levi got scared. And it feels fucking pathetic to admit that, but Levi hadn’t expected some brat to be eavesdropping so obviously while they talked about shit they _really_ shouldn’t have been. And in the moment all Levi could think about was what would happen if Eren decided to get smart and rat them out to the higher ups. He couldn’t stop thinking about losing the only two people he’s ever given a damn about, watching them be thrown behind bars or worse.

The only reason the kid’s still alive is because Isabel vouched for him. What kind of monster does that make Levi? That he was so ready to snuff the kid’s life out without even a flicker of remorse, just because he got curious when three strangers were lurking outside his window?

So he’d acted without thinking. He’d made the threat, the vicious promise, that he’d kill Eren if he squealed.

Which wasn’t really the smartest fucking move, now, was it, Levi? Because if the kid hadn’t been suspicious before, he sure as hell will be _now._

If this goes south for the three of them, it will be all Levi’s fault. Because he couldn’t keep a level head. Because he got scared like a stupid _kid_ over the mere thought of anything happening to Farlan and Isabel.

He never should have left the fucking underground. He doesn’t belong up here.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a brief moment of very slight gore in this chapter. Check the end notes for details on what words come before and after if you wanna skip!

Eren’s nerves are on a hair-trigger for the next three days, which is unbearable, but he can’t shake the feeling that Levi’s waiting in the shadows for an opportunity to leap out and murder him the second his guard is down and, no matter how implausible that entire concept is, Eren literally sleeps with one eye open for the next few days.

Which is not possible, so Eren does not sleep. For verging on seventy-two hours. He’s not _scared_ of Levi, the guy barely comes up to Eren’s _shoulders_ , but Eren is also painfully aware that Levi could kill him without breaking a sweat, so he’s understandably wary.

Wary. Not scared.

Wary.

And a little bit scared.

He could tell Mikasa, that would probably solve the problem, if only because she’d either take up a guard post outside the boy’s barracks from dusk til dawn every night or she’d take the initiative and murder Levi before he can decide to end Eren’s pitiful existence, but he can barely stomach admitting to himself that he’s perturbed enough to lose sleep, let alone blurting it out to his sister.

So Eren keeps this little tidbit to himself and hopes that the lack of sleep doesn’t kill him. Actually he’d rather the lack of sleep gets him before Levi does.

It’s a very confusing few days.

What makes matters worse, exacerbates Eren’s new and very much not fun nervous disposition, is that he doesn’t catch even a glimpse of the shady trio for the next week. They seem to come and go as they please, do whatever it is they do in their special project training sessions, but their absence somehow makes Eren even _more_ anxious.

He’s also wrestling with the fact that it feels bad to lump Isabel in with the other two, considering she’s been nothing but friendly, but every time Eren’s thoughts drift to the three of them - which is uncomfortably often these days - all he can think about is that those three come from the underground and because he’s an asshole, Eren’s already stereotyped the three of them as hardened criminals even though he doesn’t know anything about them.

Yeah, Isabel had said that they _were_ criminals, but she has pigtails for crying out loud. What kind of criminal has pigtails?!

Mikasa and Armin notice how jumpy he is and hound him about it because of course they do. And because Eren’s a terrible liar and awful at thinking on his feet, he loudly announces that it’s just puberty before running away from them. He doubts he’ll ever live that down and finds that he might actually like Levi to jump out from behind a tree and kill him now, thank you very much.

They’ve also reached a sort of plateau in their training now, so Eren doesn’t even have that to distract him. It’s still a fucking uphill battle because Shadis loves nothing more than to torture them all by making them run laps for hours before forcing them to collide in rigorous and complicated drills that leave them with angry bruises and nasty welts that don’t face for days, but Eren’s body can withstand the worst of it now and it’s long since become muscle memory. Soon, their first year of training will be over and Eren plans to escape Levi’s clutches for long enough to actually get the chance to take down a titan the way he’s dreamed of for years now.

When a week passes with no sign of the trio and Eren’s nerves finally settle enough to let him get some decent sleep again, it gets easier to put Levi’s dark threat out of his mind. He’s still curious about what they could possibly have been talking about, but no matter which way Eren turns their fractured conversation around in his mind, he can’t come up with a theory plausible enough to get behind. He could tell Armin, but he doesn’t want to spread this issue to anyone else, in case Levi gets wind of it and smothers Eren in his sleep.

Yeah, he’s a bit preoccupied. Possibly bordering on obsessive. But it’s whatever. He’ll live. Maybe.

It seems like he’s in the clear, though. Levi’s lot don’t show up in the mess hall for a full two weeks and it’s only after Eren passes the fortnight mark that he allows himself to breathe a sigh of relief and can turn his attention back to training in earnest. He’s slipped a bit while his sleep cycle suffered which has given Jean all the leeway he needs to act like he’s top dog, which is hilarious in and of itself because he still can’t hold a candle to Mikasa or Annie, but there’s no one in their class who can. Still, Eren and Jean clocked each other the moment they met and their entire relationship is built on one upmanship.

It’s refreshing, if a little annoying.

And now that their training has plateaued, Eren’s free to just… Be. He’d almost forgotten what life could be like when you just let yourself _live_ it, and that’s a weird thing to lose sight of at his age. He didn’t mean to, it just sort of happened, after the fall of wall Maria and the decimation of Shiganshina, Eren lost himself a little bit. But now that he’s settled fully into the routine of his training, he finds that he’s remembering how to be a kid.

It’s nice.

Now that Shadis has felt them all out and gotten a good enough read of their strengths and weaknesses, their daily routines hardly ever change. Mondays are always combat drills, close combat with fists and wooden knives and staves. Tuesdays are classroom theory and strategy. Wednesdays are equine management. Thursdays are for maneuver gear. Fridays are survival training. All the days begin to blend in to each other but Eren can’t bring himself to hate it. It’s schooling like he’s never had before, aside from when his father took the time to teach him his letters and arithmetic, structured, challenging, and strangely fun.

In the midst of it all, the seasons gradually change, summer giving way to the burnished hues of fall which in turn are whisked away by chill winds as the sky begins to threaten snow. There hasn’t been much of a shift in the cold air aside from the few and far between patches of frost that dot the grasslands around the compound, but once the trees lose the last of their dying leaves, the threat of snow becomes real and begins to dust the ground in a steady drove until it’s caked everything in white.

Eren’s seen snow before but he’s never seen it quite like this. There’s so _much_ of it and it makes everything look ethereal and desolate in a hauntingly beautiful way. Or at least that’s what Armin says while Mikasa rolls her eyes and Eren pretends to vomit. Still, though, he’s not quite sure he disagrees. It _is_ beautiful. If only because Shadis eventually gives in and lets the cadets wage a vicious war against their comrades, flinging snowballs with deadly precision until that pristine carpet of white is churned and muddy.

Eren learns even more about each member of the 104th and he finds that he _likes_ this strange bunch of people. They’re all so different and that’s what makes them so interesting. And even though Mikasa still can’t stomach the idea that at the end of this Eren will be giving himself to the scouts, there are times when Eren catches her smiling and he knows that these three years are going to be good for all of them.

They have a trek into the mountains planned for midwinter, before their training breaks for the solstice, and Eren is very much looking forward to it. They aren’t going far, not even properly hiking the mountains to the east of wall Rose, just skirting the base where there’s a secondary compound waiting for them. They’ll spend a few nights there, learning how to survive in frigid conditions, before returning home for the break. It’ll mark the end of their first full year of training and Eren’s _excited_ , a feeling he’d almost forgotten. As much as they’re dreading the cold, the rest of the cadets seem to be infected with the same kind of anticipation.

They’re given a map of the terrain a week in advance and told to memorise it because they won’t be able to bring it with them. Eren’s pretty hopeless at anything geography, so that task falls to Armin who isn’t too displeased about it, happy to feel useful. Mikasa and Eren let him plot out the best course for them to take, sharing twin looks of excitement when their instructor tells them they’ll be responsible for selecting their own gear for the expedition. No horses, no 3DM gear, just a single pack of provisions each, a blade, and whatever else they might need.

Mikasa, practical as ever, drafts up a list of things Eren hadn’t even considered. She’s the one to suggest they combine their resources, doubling up on some so that they’ll have the advantage all the while they stay together. Coats, obviously, are a given, but she’s written down things like blankets, lantern oil, bandages, salves, flint, wire, rope, and gauze. Eren raises his eyebrows at the wire and Mikasa patiently tells him that rations won’t get them far if they can’t trap their own food. She’s confident enough in her abilities to be able to fashion a snare if there’s a need for it and Eren beams at her so wide that her cheeks flush a dusky pink.

Mikasa and confidence have never really gone together before. Their time in the cadet corps really _has_ been good for them all.

Shadis has them line up a good two hours before sunrise on the day they’re due to set out and none of them - bar Sasha and Connie - have any trouble preparing their packs for the expedition. All of them are wide awake and wired, chattering excitedly as they gear up, wrapping themselves into coats and doubling up their socks in preparation for their journey. The only ones who aren’t excited about the upcoming event are Ymir and Annie, but they never look excited about _anything._

Shadis and the other instructors won’t be joining them on their trek. They’ll be met at the mountain compound by two other instructors who broke away to travel there before the worst of the snow set in, but for the duration of the expedition, the cadets will be unsupervised. Shadis gives them one of his trademark parting rants, telling them that they’ll die and that their frozen bones will be forever lost on the mountain trail, but honestly not a single one of them is listening, all too excited by the prospect of adventure.

* * *

By the time the sun has risen, Eren is sick to bastard death of snow.

It’s _everywhere_ and whatever charm the pristine white landscape might have held in the ghostly hours before dawn gets overridden the thousandth time Eren missteps and sinks down to the waist in frigid, damp snow because there was a well that the snow had covered. Every time Mikasa has to haul him out by the scruff of his neck and he’s soaked to the bone and freezing and they haven’t even been walking for that long.

“I hate this,” Eren says, also for the thousandth time, nearly biting his tongue off as he forces the words through chattering teeth.

“You’ve mentioned that,” Armin says, annoyingly chipper for once. “Don’t worry, in another hour or so we should reach the creek and we can rest up for a bit before crossing it. I made sure to angle us to the thinnest part so we can cross without getting wet.”

“Yeah, hate to break it to you, but I’m already soaked,” Eren points out, patting his trouser leg which squelches disgustingly. “I’m going to get hypothermia and die.”

“I packed spare clothes,” Mikasa reminds him, and he’d be grateful if she didn’t look so damn _smug_ about it. “I’m not going to let you die of hypothermia, Eren, that’s just insulting.”

He grumbles darkly under his breath and Mikasa shoves him into a snow drift, drenching him further.

He really, _really_ hates this.

They lost the others a while back, which was to be expected because they’ve made bets on who’ll get to the compound first and they’ve all plotted their own paths through the wilderness. Eren’s pretty confident that Armin’s going to get them their first regardless of how well the others think they’ve done. No one knows topography like Armin does and he’s got the mind of a veteran strategist already.

Now if only Eren could make it twenty minutes without soaking a new article of clothing, they’ll be home free.

By Armin’s calculations - which are spot on because it’s Armin - the mountain compound is roughly two and a half days away on foot. “Roughly” he’d said with a smirk while in earshot of Jean’s group, and then quietly told them that the two and a half day trek was only that long because he’d factored in rest stops for them. It had amused them to no end watching Jean scramble frantically to shave that extra half-day off their own journey, determined to arrive before Eren’s group at the very least. The bet they have going is that the first group to arrive gets to palm off _all_ their chores for the duration of the winter break to the team that comes in last and Eren aims to collect. A whole week without laundry, dishwashing, mopping or sweeping, sounds like absolute _heaven._

Still, though, Eren can’t help but feel a little concerned for the wellbeing of his classmates. Reiner, Annie, and Bertholdt he’s pretty sure will be fine. They’ve excelled in every other aspect of their training with a kind of skill that makes the rest of them look like idiots, and as far as Eren is concerned they are his best competition. Jean’s group will be fine, too. They have Sasha who knows wilderness like no one else, and Marco who will make sure they all stay safe, as well as Connie who’s got surprisingly sharp senses when he cares enough to use them. It’s mainly Ymir and Christa and Daz that Eren’s concerned about. Ymir might as well be carved from stone, but the idea of Christa getting lost in a blizzard with Daz is enough cause for concern on its own. Daz is no good in a crisis and Christa is too nice to fit the definition of survivor, and though Ymir may be a resilient asshole on her own, even she can’t carry two people through a snowstorm.

Well, there’s no use worrying over unknowns. They’ll find out how the other groups fared when they reach the compound. Until then, Eren’s determined to focus solely on the welfare of his own group and the uncomfortable chill creeping into his bones from the sodden state of his pants.

Mikasa won’t let him change yet, though. She says that it’ll just be a waste because he’s going to fall into more wells in the snow and get the dry clothes soaked. He has the sneaking suspicion that she’s enjoying his misery. She is the _worst_.

They cross the creek just before noon as Armin predicted, and he’d chosen their path exceptionally well because he does end up leading them to the thinnest part of it, and they cross with no difficulty whatsoever. There’s a bit of a steep hike up ahead, though, over a rocky hillock that threatens a nasty sprain if they don’t take care, so they pause at the bottom to split a loaf and drink some water before traversing it.

The land within wall Rose is much different from Maria, though in all his life Eren had never once left Shiganshina, had only seen a small part of the vast terrain while making that harrowing journey to the interior after his home fell. He doesn’t remember much of it, blinded as he was at the time by rage and grief, but he remembers the vast green wildlands, and a distant copse of trees so tall it seemed like they disappeared into the sky. Rose’s terrain, however, is a lot more mountainous, jagged rock formations stretching up from the ground like broken bones, the mountains far in the distance rearing up like a wild and feral crown.

Eren’s never been much for scenery, but even he has to admit, the view is beautiful.

“Makes you think, doesn’t it?” Armin says, hopping down from a jegged ledge, cushioned by snow. “How on earth the scouts manage to kill titans outside the walls, with nothing to anchor their gear to.”

“They don’t,” Mikasa points out flatly, brushing dirt from her gloved palms as she jumps down after him. “How many times did we see them come back, broken and bloody? They don’t survive outside the walls, they go out there to be slaughtered.”

“That’s not true,” Eren protests, sick of having this same argument over and over again. “Otherwise they wouldn’t keep going out there.”

“They absolutely would,” Mikasa shoots back. “It’s a culling effort, you _know_ that’s what it is. Thin the herd, make sure supplies never run out, keep the cattle population down.”

Oh, they’re doing this today. What _fun_.

“Then don’t join the scouts,” Eren snaps. “You don’t have to follow me, you know? You’ve pretty much got a guaranteed spot in the MPs after we’re done. You can live it up in the interior.”

“I don’t want to live in the interior,” Mikasa says with a sniff. “I’ll go where you go. You wouldn’t last a second out there without me.”

“I would!”

“Would not!”

“Would too!”

“Would _not_ \--”

“Just once,” Armin says, glancing skyward like the most exasperated parent. “Just once I’d like to make a comment that didn’t turn into a debate.”

“Do you even _know_ us?” Eren asks, grinning. “This is just how we communicate.”

“I _know_ and I’m going grey. At _fifteen_ , Eren.”

Disagreement forgotten for the moment, the three of them share a laugh as the sun finishes its ascent, crossing into the wilderness of Rose’s wild terrain proper as the afternoon stretches lazily on.

* * *

Snow starts falling again in earnest just as the sun begins to set and the three of them decide an early night is their best course of action, choosing to erect their tent before it gets too difficult to see through snow and shadow. Armin manages to find a dead branch that isn’t too saturated by snow and fashions them a torch with a strip of oil soaked bandage and a single strike of flint, holding it aloft while Mikasa and Eren work to pitch the frame of their tent and cover it with the water resistant tarpaulin.

It’s a blessing to get out of the chill wind once inside and Armin douses the torch by submerging it in snow before crawling in behind the two of them and they play cards to pass the time, talking about everything and nothing while the wind howls outside. Armin trounces them at Karnöffel, but Eren pulls it back at the last minute with the last win, which is the only one that counts because it’s the last and he’s sticking to that statement tenaciously. They share a modest dinner of bread and cheese, refilling their canteens with snow so that it will melt overnight into fresh water, and settle down as best they can, all huddled together to share warmth.

Surprisingly, Eren falls asleep relatively quickly, only stirring once during the night from a dream so vivid and bloody that he wakes up with half a scream on his lips before he remembers where he is. Armin doesn’t stir but Mikasa’s eyes are open when he glances over at her and she reaches out silently to thread her fingers through his in a gesture he wouldn’t tolerate at any other time. Now, though, he clings tightly to her and she hums an old, soft song under her breath that helps ease Eren back into sleep and to stay the nightmares for the rest of the night.

The next time he wakes is at dawn and he’s warmer than he should be after sleeping through a blizzard, but he’s still stiff as a board because Armin, small though he is, starfishes out and takes up as much room as someone three times his size might. Eren doesn't mind too much. Somewhere along the way he’s gotten so used to sleeping with company that he’s not sure he could handle doing it alone.

After another modest meal, they dismantle their little camp and pack everything back up before setting off again. The blizzard has calmed overnight though snow continues to fall steadily from the sky, but the howling winds have quietened and the sun hasn’t yet risen enough to reflect blindingly off the new blanket of snow covering everything. They’re making good time, if Armin is to be believed when he mentions it to cheer them, and decide that they can take a little more time to meander on the way to their next rest stop.

Mikasa snares a rabbit on the way, which is no mean feat and not actually something she had intended on doing. She’d packed the wire to fashion a snare to set up while they rested, but hadn’t had the chance to do it during last night’s snowstorm, but she catches a glimpse of something in the underbrush that neither Eren nor Armin could have spotted if their lives depended on it, and with a keen throw of her knife, she pins the animal to the ground with brutal accuracy.

Only problem is, none of them have learned how to skin one yet, which is… problematic. Mikasa is viscerally opposed to the option of leaving it behind, insisting that she doesn’t want to have killed something for nothing. That’s a nice thought and all, but now it means Eren has to learn how to skin a damn rabbit on the spot. He’s never been queasy in the slightest, but this is a whole new level of unpleasant. Mainly because… well, he sucks at it. He’d like to say that he does a pretty okay job, but by the time he’s done, the surrounding snow as well as his hands are both stained crimson and he’s wretched about ten times and counting.

And maybe actually thrown up a little bit. But he'd had no idea where to even start! He'd cut off the ears because that seemed like the most logical thing to do with them, as useless as they were as food, just sinew and cartilage - _shudder -_ but after that he'd been lost. He'd used his knife and just made a whole mess of the thing, carving bits off like... well, not like a butcher because they know what they're doing, but like some kind of... He doesn't even _know_. The pieces of meat he finally drops onto a waiting square of cloth are jagged and irregular and still covered with patches of fur, but at least they’ve got something out of the whole grisly affair. They’ve got no salt to preserve it with so Eren covers the chunks with snow and binds them within the cloth, tossing the pack to Mikasa because this whole wretched thing was her fault in the first place. She catches it and tucks it into her pack without complaint, which is honestly the least she can do, and Eren scrubs his hands clean with fresh snow to rid himself of the worst of the blood.

“If anyone asks,” Eren says slowly, “I did it perfectly and didn’t throw up once.”

“Sure,” Armin says, also a little green around the gills. “Mikasa, please don’t kill anything else?”

“Yeah, I didn’t like that,” Mikasa admits. “How does Sasha do it?”

“Hunger does weird things to people,” Armin reasons diplomatically. “I reckon we’d probably do worse if it came to it.”

On that rather unsettling note, they resume their travels, stopping again once the sun dips below the horizon and they find a nice dry patch under a rocky outcrop that’s blessedly devoid of snow.

Now _cooking_ the meat is something Eren can do no problem, though as they have no salt it’s a relatively bland affair. Doesn’t matter though, because they manage to cobble together a fire and fill a pot with snow and a smattering of vegetables like carrot and potato, dropping in the chunks of meat to make a pretty good stew. The lack of seasoning doesn’t bother them in the slightest because it’s hot and helps to stay the worst of the cold, lifting their spirits considerably. They go to bed that night full and warmed from the inside and sleep the whole night through.

They make it to the mountain compound by noon the next day, just as the blizzard kicks up again in earnest. By the time the three of them collapse through the door of the first lodge, Eren’s face is stinging from the vicious wind and his eyes are so sore he can barely keep them open, but he still whoops loud enough to shake the walls when the waiting instructors greet them and inform them that they are indeed the first group to arrive. They’re each directed to put their packs down by a bed and to shower and wash up before lunch and the water is so hot Eren never wants to leave, but the promise of an even hotter dinner eventually gets him to move.

Clean and dry, the three of them follow the instructors into the mess hall where a bowl of broth awaits them and Eren is so excited about it that he doesn’t even notice the hall’s other occupants until he’s halfway to his seat.

“Eren!” Isabel yells, waving at him. “You guys made it first! Congrats!” Beside her, Farlan and Levi glance up, but only Farlan waves hello.

“Isabel!” Eren says, broth all but forgotten and potential, Levi-related mortal peril suddenly and keenly remembered. Oblivious to Eren’s fear for his life, Isabel jumps up and bounds over to him, ruffling his still-damp hair with a grin. “What the hell are you guys doing here?”

“Oh, we got shipped up a couple of weeks back,” she says with a shrug. “Survival training, kind of like you guys, but they didn’t let _us_ take any supplies.”

“Harsh,” Armin comments, flushing when Isabel turns to look at him. “Um, hi.”

“Oh, hey,” Eren forces a grin, trying desperately to ignore Levi who is definitely sizing him up like he’s going to kill him. Great. Survive a two-day trek through a blizzard just to die when you get to civilization. Just Eren’s luck. “Um, Isabel, these are my friends, Armin and Mikasa. Guys, this is the girl I told you about, the one who helped me with my gear.”

“Pleased to meet ya!” Isabel chirps, nodding at them both. “At least this trip won’t end up a total loss. I was getting so bored. Farlan and Levi are no fun to hang around with.”

Eren grins more genuinely this time. “Aren’t they your only friends?”

Isabel gasps, clutching her chest as though she’s been dealt a mortal blow. “So _cruel_ , Eren! I thought _we_ were friends!”

She ignores her companions in favour of sitting with them while they eat and though Eren is trying incredibly hard not to look at Levi in case they lock eyes and Eren somehow triggers his own murder, he can’t quite stop himself from sneaking furtive glances in his direction. Doesn’t matter, though, Levi’s attention has returned to a cup of tea and a thick book, looking up only occasionally whenever Farlan speaks to him.

Well, good. Eren’s fine with being ignored, if it means Levi won’t pull a knife on him again. Instead, he turns his attention back to his own table, noting with no small amount of satisfaction that Mikasa hasn’t tensed up like an angry cat at Isabel’s presence. He hadn’t really thought she would, she’s protective, not unreasonable, and it’s basically impossible to hate Isabel.

“I saw your training session last month,” Isabel says, addressing Mikasa directly. “I wasn’t s’posed to be there, but I like watching you newbies zip around on your gear. There’s a kid in your class that always slams into the targets and it’s hilarious.”

“Connie,” Eren, Mikasa, and Armin say as one, sharing a private grin when they do.

“He’s good when he concentrates,” Armin attempts to defend their absent friend. “He’s just easily distracted.”

“Yeah, and it’s real funny,” Isabel says, which they can’t really dispute. “But _you_ ,” she points at Mikasa. “I’ve never seen anything like it! You move so seamlessly, I was literally struck dumb. You did like this little flip? Like right at the height of your jump? And then you didn’t fire your anchors again until the last second. I’ve been using the gear for years and I’ve never seen anything that cool!”

Mikasa flushes, mumbling a modest thank you. Eren nudges her knee with his own, grinning at her when she glances at her. “See? Told you.”

“You gonna try for the MPs?” Isabel asks. “You’re a shoe-in if you do. You might even be on our level!”

Without context, it sounds kind of boastful of Isabel to say that, but Eren knows that the three of them taught themselves how to navigate the underground with their gear, so he’s aware that it’s not the boasting of the arrogant and is just Isabel being honest.

“I really want to see you guys in action some time,” Eren says wistfully. “I bet you guys are so good.”

“We are,” Isabel says happily. “Our section commander _hates_ it.”

“So you guys are scouts already?” Armin asks, pointing to the training emblem on her jacket. “You’re not trainees?”

“It’s complicated,” Isabel says, grimacing. “We’re like… fast-tracked? We’re going into the scouts, that’s what we were recruited for, but there’s a freeze right now, so we have to sit around doing boring drills until they give us the go ahead to go take down some titans.”

“Freeze?” Armin asks, eyes widening. “You mean they’ve halted expeditions?”

“Guess so,” Isabel says. “I don’t know much about it, the section commanders are a tight-lipped bunch and that’s saying something. The three of us are pretty good at getting information, but we can’t get jack out of them. All we’ve been able to figure out is that they’ve halted all expeditions past the wall for the foreseeable.”

Armin and Eren share an alarmed glance. That’s… not good. As long as Eren can remember, the scouts have had leave to depart the safety of the walls as often as they deem necessary. Eren can remember watching them leave when he was still small enough to be easily picked up by his mother and from then on seeing the scouts riding out was a monthly occurrence. As far as Eren can tell, there’s never been a freeze on expeditions before, and it’s not something he’s ever heard of occurring, even before he was born.

“When was the last expedition?” Armin asks, eyes bright with curiosity. “Did they lose a lot?”

“Well, yeah, but that’s never stopped them before. And like I said, they won’t tell us newbies much. There hasn’t been an expedition since before we enlisted. Before you guys even enlisted, come to think of it.”

“A _year?_?” Eren splutters. “That’s insane-- They can’t just stop the expeditions, that makes no sense!”

“Yeah, well, it is what it is,” Isabel says, shrugging one shoulder. “I reckon it’ll pick up again after winter. At least I hope so. I’m bored to tears.”

Eren falls silent after that, too caught up in his whirlwind thoughts to offer much to the conversation. It’s fine, it continues on without him, but he’s so distressed by the news of the expedition freeze that he can’t hear a word of it. There’s no reason for the scouts to halt for so long, not unless something _big_ is happening, but even if it is, there’s no way they’d tell a bunch of cadets about it, especially not if they won’t tell Isabel’s lot. Eren doesn’t like it one bit, but he has nothing to reason it out with, so he just sits and stews in his disquiet.

“Aw, cheer up, squirt,” Isabel says, boxing his shoulder. “Listen, do me a favour, yeah?”

Eren looks up at her, drawn back to the present reluctantly. “What?”

“I’m trying to nag our section commander into letting us crash a couple of your training sessions. Work on your instructor to agree, too, yeah?”

“Oh, hell yeah!” Eren exclaims, perking up at once. “That would be so cool!”

“Right?” Isabel grins fiercely. “I knew you’d be on board. Honestly, I'm so bored I’m almost tempted to stage a coup just for something to do. Every day’s the fucking same, I can’t stand it.”

“Maybe don’t talk about staging coups where the instructors can hear you?” Farlan offers, startling their little group when he appears just behind Isabel’s shoulder. “Move over, short stuff. It sounds a hell of a lot more interesting over here. Levi’s a shit conversationalist.”

“I didn’t even know he could read,” Isabel says as she shifts over to make room for Farlan at the table and the two of them share a snicker, glancing over at their recalcitrant third who seems quite content to ignore them all in favour of his book.

“So where are you guys from?” Armin asks once the second round of introductions are out of the way.

“Oh, we’re from around,” Farlan says with a dismissive wave. “Got picked up by section commander Erwin when he saw us killing it with the maneuver gear.”

“Right…” Armin says, eyes narrowing slightly. “And where did you get the gear from? It’s strictly military use only, isn’t it?”

“Well, that’s a trade secret,” Farlan says with a wink. “And that trade is called stealing.”

“Borrowing,” Isabel corrects, holding up a finger and tossing her hair haughtily, prompting a soft laugh from Mikasa of all people. “We were just cashing in an advanced loan on gear that ended up being ours anyway. Delayed investment.”

“You’re so full of shit,” Farlan laughs. “But that’s actually a pretty good excuse. If the MPs ask, that’s the story and I’m sticking to it.”

It’s so easy to laugh and joke with the both of them, so easy that even Mikasa joins in with their conversation, Mikasa who’s never comfortable around strangers. Farlan and Isabel are both easy-going, rivalling even Sasha and Connie in demeanours, and Eren finds himself wondering how two self-professed underground thugs can be so lighthearted. He immediately feels awful for thinking such a thing, and resolves to stop making such stereotyped assumptions. Isabel’s never been anything but friendly, and Farlan’s got the air of an affable older brother. They’re _nice_. Eren can’t really say more than that, because he still doesn’t know them. Not yet. He’d like to, though.

Even Levi, if Eren believed for a second that the boy would allow such a thing. Makes no real difference anyway. Two out of three sure ain’t bad. Especially not when those two somehow manage to charm Mikasa into relaxing the guard she's had in place since she was nine.

They while away the rest of the day just like that. Talking, laughing, and when Armin produces his trusty pack of cards Farlan snatches them up and declares that he’s going to teach them a _proper_ card game. The rules aren’t too complicated, but it takes a lot of luck and skill, and you have to keep a completely straight face - something Eren couldn’t do if you _paid_ him - or your opponents can guess how good your cards are and steal the win from you. Farlan tells them that you’re supposed to play with money, but none of them _have_ any, so Farlan slips a small pouch out of his pocket and upends it onto the table.

Armin, Eren, and Mikasa stare at its scattered contents in stunned amazement.

They’ve never seen candy before in their _lives._ It’s spoken about like a myth; the hard, honeyed sweets that the folks in the interior take for granted, that the kids in the furthest reaches of the outer walls will likely never taste in their lives, and Farlan just _has_ a bag of it like it’s no big deal.

Farlan then proceeds to beat all of them handily until Armin gets the hang of the game - Poker, Farlan calls it as he shuffles the cards with deft flicks of his fingers, sweeping the deck into impossible shapes with the kind of skill born of absolute, unflappable, and hard-earned confidence - then the two of them trade wins back and forth while Eren and the girls try their hardest just to keep up. It’s frustrating but in a strangely fun way, even though the only reason Eren doesn’t lose horrifically every round is because Isabel’s even worse at concealing her emotions than Eren is.

“You brats are lucky Levi isn’t playing,” Farlan says, shuffling the deck so he can deal them all in again. “He plays so well he was able to pay our rent with the winnings for like three months. Racked up quite the mob of angry gamblers. That was a fun summer.”

“Aww, I remember that,” Isabel says fondly, stealing one of the candies from Farlan’s pile and popping it into her mouth. She then steals three more and passes them to Eren and the others. Farlan doesn’t so much as twitch though she could not have been more obvious about it, and now that Eren’s spent more than ten minutes in his company, he decides that the air Farlan exudes is like that of a cool older brother.

Meanwhile, Isabel’s the irrepressibly excitable younger sister.

And Levi? Well, Eren doesn’t know yet. Actually, forget “yet", it’s pretty much a dead cert that he never will

Doesn’t matter though. Eren likes Levi’s friends a lot.

* * *

The next group to arrive, stumbling into the barracks just after dawn in a sopping pile of slurry and wind-bitten cheeks, is Jean’s and Eren is going to treasure the memory of horse-face’s furious expression until he dies. Jean probably wouldn’t have minded coming second just as long as he beat Eren by at least a minute, but coming second _to_ Eren is an insult he absolutely cannot stomach.

And Eren is _never_ going to let him forget it.

They all have to stay at the compound until the last group arrives, no matter how long it takes, and Eren is hoping it won’t be much longer; not because he doesn’t like being in the mountains, but because the longer it takes for the rest to arrive, the more concerned he becomes about their welfare.

Not for a second did Eren think they wouldn’t make it, no matter how avidly Shadis had ranted about all the potential ways they could’ve died on the way. Eren had known they would arrive and had expected the same of his classmates, so he hadn’t spent long worrying about the possible hazards that might hinder their journey, aside from that small frisson of concern that had sparked before they set out. He’d put the whole issue out of his mind at the time, but now the concern has sparked into worry, which slowly begins to spread into an uncomfortable feeling of dread that Eren can’t quite manage to shake.

The blizzard shows no sign of abating any time soon, likely set to rage on until well past the solstice, and somehow it only seems to intensify by the hour. Iit becomes nearly impossible to gauge the time by looking out of the dirty compound windows because the snowfall is so heavy, the cloud cover so thick, that it blocks out even the faintest sliver of sunlight.

It brings an intensely claustrophobic atmosphere down upon the compound and it sends Eren’s skin prickling with restlessness, with concern he doesn’t know how to voice, but thankfully one of the outbuildings is kitted out for indoor training, with a sand ring and martial striking dummies and weights wrought of pure iron. He and Mikasa share a look of understanding and sprint through the snow to avail themselves of the facilities available, just for something to occupy their minds and bodies with, and though Armin isn’t keen on joining them, he does come to sit in on their sessions for the company.

Sometimes Isabel and Farlan flit in, but never for long, and sometimes Jean and Marco and the others do too, though Eren’s classmates are more likely to stay and join in than the elusive underground duo. Eren knows they aren’t actually a duo, but Levi’s even more elusive than the others, so much so that if he hadn’t held a knife to Eren’s throat, he’d start to believe the guy was a weird figment of his imagination.

The atmosphere brightens, albeit briefly, when Reiner, Annie, and Bertholdt arrive and they all share in the elation that comes from being the three groups to win their childish bet. The entirety of the winter break chores, it turns out, will fall to Christa, Ymir, and Daz, which means the rest of them can enjoy three full weeks of uninterrupted indolency until their second year of training commences. Other groups file in, more cadets that Eren knows by faces only, not names, and he’s not unhappy to see them, it’s just that the last of his friends have yet to arrive.

For a brief time, now that the compound is full of his classmates, Eren’s mood brightens considerably. Every room has at least two people in it, talking, laughing, joking around, stealing food - Sasha - and it helps take Eren’s mind off of the welfare of the last group still out there somewhere in the blizzard.

At least until dinner.

The brightened atmosphere sinks like a stone, like a fucking boulder, sinks and drowns in an instant. They’re all thinking it but none of them want to say it. Everyone else has arrived, save for the absent three.

Eren makes his decision when his nerves are too frayed to let him eat.

He slips out of the mess hall without a word, only pausing to grab the chunk of bread he hadn’t been able to stomach, and jogs through the snow over to the barracks to throw on an extra layer of clothes and stuff the bare minimum of essentials into his pack.

Armin and Mikasa slip wordlessly in behind him and immediately begin pulling on extra clothes too. For once, Eren doesn’t argue, only offers them a small, grateful smile, and hoists his pack onto his shoulder.

“Do you think we should ask the others to come?” Armin asks, pulling his hood up over his head. “We could cover more ground. The instructors must have a plan in place for this.”

Eren doesn’t blame him for being afraid, but he still shoots the suggestion down, though not unkindly. “No,” he says with a shake of his head. “No use getting more idiots lost in the snowstorm. We won’t go far, just past the perimeter. If we can’t see any sign of them, we’ll come back and organise a proper search party. But if we go to the instructors now, they’ll tell us to wait until morning and…”

He doesn’t have to finish. Mikasa and Armin already know what he doesn’t want to say.

By then it might be too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eren skins a rabbit. It's small, but if you wanna skip, jump from "their next rest stop" to "if anyone asks". Remove the quotation marks.


	5. Chapter 5

Levi is in hell.

This is not an exaggeration.

No, it’s a fact, an inescapable one, and Levi is trapped in what is quite literally a nightmare hellscape carefully cultivated to torture him specifically and he has absolutely no idea how to get out of it.

They were meant to move out, the three of them, before the winter swept in and froze everything and made all travel borderline impossible. Isabel had nattered away to those three brats when they tramped through the door and fractured the already fragile piece of the mountain compound and she’d been right when she’d told them that the scouts won’t tell the newbies anything. And it rankles like a fucking ulcer that Levi’s considered a fucking _newbie_ when he can fly circles around the most veteran scouts in his fucking sleep.

They were meant to ship out to headquarters before the weather went to shit, and yet here they are, because the fact of the matter is, the scouts don’t know what the fuck to do with them. It would be hilarious if the whole situation wasn’t gnawing on Levi’s last nerve like a rabid dog, and he has no concrete facts to go on, only conjecture and what they’ve been able to discern from the scraps dropped from conversations they weren’t meant to hear.

So here’s what Levi knows for certain: the survey corps is damn a shitshow.

They’ve always been something of a joke, even among the denizens of the underground. Suicidal idiots who decide that going out to where the beasts at the top of the foodchain live and hunt as they please like they’ve got nothing better to do, who do it because they want to serve their King or whatever the fuck it is they’ve been conditioned to believe. But now that Levi’s here he can see the rot clear as day, and it’s twice as insidious as anything that can be found lurking in the shadows beneath Sina.

Whatever the game Erwin had been intending to play when he’d recruited the three of them was meant to be, Levi doesn’t know, but it’s got too many damn players who don’t know the rules. He’d heard it from Farlan, who’d heard it from Sairam, who’d heard it from Flagon, and whoever had been the original bearer of the message he doesn’t know, but unfortunately the chain of command managed to fuck up _somewhere_ in that mess, and now Levi’s suffering for it.

There’s a freeze on all expeditions out of Wall Rose. That's a fact and Levi knows why, even though he’s not meant to. It’s the only thing he has going for him right now; he knows more than most of the scouts do about their current predicament, but he can’t _do_ anything with it. It’s basically the most useless piece of trivia Levi’s ever learned in his life and he's pissed to hell and back about it because all information is ultimately useless if you can’t use it as leverage.

Lovoff’s leeching the funds from the suspended expeditions to fund his own interests, Levi knows this and he’s willing to bet Erwin knows it too. He’s actually pretty certain that that’s the whole reason Levi is meant to be here. Whatever the documents are that he’s meant to retrieve, he’s willing to bet good money that they contain some kind of evidence that can be used to shove Lovoff and his whole network out, uncomfortably bared, into the open. Which is great and all, but it’s been months and Levi’s no closer to getting his hands on them because Erwin’s never around and they’ve not been permitted to set foot in HQ once since they were recruited.

Levi doesn’t even have any guarantee that Erwin hasn’t turned those documents in by now. If he has, Levi and his friends can kiss their above-ground citizenship goodbye. But he’s not going to give up on the job until he gets the irrefutable confirmation that their window of opportunity has truly closed.

It stings, but they can’t do anything else but wait. For what exactly, Levi isn’t sure, but he reckons it’ll take the form of an attempt on his life from a group of Lovoff’s cronies.

Which is fine. Let them come. He’s itching for a fight.

The other issue, because there are just a _multitude_ in Levi’s life right now, ain’t that _swell_ \- is that the scouts are doing everything they can to foist Levi and the others off to whoever will take them. They can’t train because… well, their skill already speaks for itself, so they just have to let the higher-ups push them from pillar to post while they figure out what to do with three wildcards they never wanted. Flagon can’t stand the sight of them, keeps muttering about how their presence in the scouts shits on everything they stand for - which is apparently suicidal tendencies hidden behind mocking royalist ideals and skewed patriotism and Levi’s good without that, thanks - so he does everything he can to palm them off on someone else.

Erwin’s nowhere around so he can’t do anything with them and Shadis is too busy crumbling under his failures as a commander so abjectly that he’s taken to teaching the newest haul of goopy brats how to be suicidal, to find a place for them. So they go where they’re pointed whenever they’re told to and Levi’s about ten seconds away from snapping at any given moment and turning fully homicidal.

To sum it up, there’s a power vacuum within the scouts, they’re directionless and goal-less, Levi’s chances of securing citizenship above ground are dwindling and he _can’t do anything about it._

And to top it off he’s snowed inside a dirt-caked hovel in the ass-end of nowhere with a gaggle of brats who don’t have enough braincells between then to understand that “lights out” means _lights-fucking-out_ , not “stay up giggling like children until ass o’clock in the fucking morning”.

The _only_ solace Levi can find in this frozen nightmare is that one of the cadet instructors - Nairi something-or-other, and Levi only remembers that much of her name because of this one specific reason - keeps a stock of white tea leaves to hand that are spiced curiously with chicory; a blend Levi has never tried before and after a single cup he’s pretty sure he never wants to drink anything else again.

It is a very small positive in a sea of shit.

He’s got two options. Three if he fancies causing more problems for himself in the long run, but after the year Levi’s had, option three is definitely vying for top spot.

Option one: they sit pretty until Lovoff sends his men after them. They deal with that the way the underground taught them, snitch on Lovoff to whichever of the section commanders will listen and resign themselves to very short lives in the survey corps that will ultimately end with a titan happily sucking the meat off their bones.

Not great.

Option two: Levi continues to play the long con, waits for the chance to take eyebrow’s head off, and hopes that presenting his severed, stupid blonde head to Lovoff will be enough to land them their ticket to permanent topside residence.

This option of course hinges on the outcome that Erwin hasn’t already handed over those fucking documents. Levi doesn’t even know what they are but he’s never hated something this much in his life. Also not great.

Option three: Levi goes feral and murders everyone in a fifty mile radius.

He can’t lie, option three is looking _real_ good right about now.

He’s so far beyond tense he could literally eat charcoal and shit out a diamond and worse, Farlan and Isabel have picked up on it, so they’re tense, too. Levi never wanted any of this and the longer this whole nightmare drags on, the more he keeps coming back to that ugly, traitorous thought of saying fuck it all and going… home. And maybe he would, hell, yeah he would, if he didn’t have those two with him. They could’ve made it by themselves eventually. Maybe a decade or so more of toiling among the scum and the unfortunate alike and they could’ve gotten topside on their own. They didn’t have to take Erwin’s pisspoor deal, but that’s a choice Levi has to live with, now that he’s made it.

Because in spite of it all, they’re above ground now. And there’s no way in hell Levi is going to send them back down there now that they’ve had a real taste of the sky.

Currently, Levi and the others have no real supervision. It’s the most trust they’ve ever been shown but he’s pretty sure that’s only because Flagon doesn’t actually give two shits about what they do as long as he doesn't have to clean up their mess. The only people around with any semblance of authority are Nairi and the other instructor who doesn’t have good tea to share so Levi doesn’t know what the fuck his name is. For however long they’re stuck here, they may as well be members of the actual cadet corps, but that doesn’t mean Levi’s going to get chummy with the rest of the brats that have been steadily filing in for the past few days.

Isabel does not get that memo. The minute pretty boy walked in she lit up like the sun and made a beeline for him. Even _Farlan’s_ getting friendly with the whelps, the traitor. He’s starting to think that Farlan’s jabs about Isabel having a bit of a crush aren’t actually that far off the mark, or he would if Isabel didn’t look so nauseous whenever Farlan cracks a joke about it.

No, like Farlan said, she’s just… A kid who’s never had proper friends. And he can’t begrudge her that. Farlan and Levi don’t count, they’re practically family at this point, and if there’s a worthy reason to be found anywhere for Levi to grimace and bear the current situation, it’s the way Isabel’s laughter sounds when she’s around people her own age.

Which is why he’s so shocked when she bursts into their barracks an hour before lights out, red hair flecked with white, looking absolutely terrified.

“What’s wrong?” Farlan asks, instantly on high alert. Levi lowers his book and pushes himself upright on his bunk, slipping a hand under his pillow for the knife that’s never more than an arm’s length away. “Are you hurt?”

“No-- It’s not me,” Isabel says, sounding close to tears. “The instructors-- Some of the cadets are missing. Apparently a group of them haven’t made it through the storm yet so a couple of the others went out to look for them.”

Farlan makes a shocked sound low in his throat. “In _this_ weather? Who in the hell would be stupid enough to go out there? In the _dark?_ Idiots.”

From the look on Isabel’s face, Levi can guess exactly who those idiots are.

“We have to help them,” Isabel says, eyes welling up with tears. “Levi, _please,_ the instructors have told everyone to wait until first light, but we can’t wait that long! It’s so bad out there, they could die!”

“Fuck,” Levi says with feeling, scrubbing a hand over his face. “God damn it.” He drags his palm down, tugging the skin beneath his eyes down on the way and groaning, again, with feeling. “Okay.”

“Oh, no,” Farlan says immediately. “No. No way in hell am I going out there. Levi. _Levi._ No.”

“I’m not going to make you,” Levi says, getting up and digging out the winter clothes the scouts had _so_ generously gifted them with for their own bastard trek up here. None of it fucking fits right, but it’s warm and they’re going to need all the insulation they can get.

Isabel beams at him gratefully and starts tearing around their small quarters, stuffing literally everything she can get her hands on into a pack. “We’ll need to sneak out. Naira and Callum are patrolling to make sure no one else sneaks out. Farlan, if you’re not coming, you can be lookout.”

“I don’t want any part of this,” Farlan insists. “I’m not going to help get you out so you can die in the snow. You don’t even _know_ these kids, why are you so prepared to die for them? Levi? You’re really gonna do this? For brats you don’t even know?”

Yeah, he is. Because Levi’s already defended one brat he didn’t know and now he’s got a peppy little sister dogging his steps and he’s sure as fuck not going to be the reason she cries today. Or _ever._

“Don’t bother covering for us,” Levi tells Farlan. “Hell, report us if you want, makes no difference. We’ll be back by morning, with or without the brats.”

He and Farlan share a long look and Levi isn’t going to make Farlan come with them, he’s never worked like that. Yeah, he bosses them around but only because they’re both kind of stupid and he’s trying to corral them before they do anything stupid, but when it counts they’re smart and they’re his friends, not his subordinates. But he still holds Farlan’s gaze and lets him know, without words, that he’s judging him silently for his inactivity.

“I really hate you sometimes,” Farlan says through gritted teeth, snatching up his coat. “Like, _so_ much.”

“Noted,” Levi says, satisfied, and stuffs another blanket into Isabel’s pack. “How bad is it out there?”

“Bad,” Isabel says, wrapping herself into her own coat. “Visibility is bad so even if we could hijack some gear, we couldn’t use it. Snow’s falling pretty heavy and I know I said I liked it, but I changed my mind and I hate it now.”

Problematic. The snow will have covered up whatever footprints Eren’s lot had left behind, so they’ve basically no lead to go on, nothing to follow except blind luck and the hope that they’re going in the right direction. Whoever thought a mountain trek in the dead of winter was a good idea can fucking spin on it.

“We’ll make do,” Levi says, a touch grimly, but only a touch because Isabel’s distressed enough as it is. “They’ll likely have headed down the main path, so we’ll follow it, too. Head west, maybe spread out a bit. How much rope have we got?”

“Rope?” Farlan asks, eyebrows raising. “You gonna hogtie the brats and drag them back?”

“Tempting, but no. I want enough of it that I can leash you idiots so we don’t get split up.”

They laugh somewhat uneasily, then fall silent when they realise he’s not joking.

“Um,” Isabel says, chewing anxiously at her bottom lip. “Wouldn’t we cover more ground if we did split up, though?”

Levi levels her with a look that makes her shrink down a good few inches into her coat. “No, dumbass, because it’s a fucking frozen deathtrap out there and if I lose you in the storm, I might not be able to fucking find you again and you’ll freeze to death and I won’t find your corpses until next summer.”

“...Okay, rope, then,” Farlan says with an anxious, strangled sort of laugh, digging the coiled length of it out of his own pack. They’d had no use for it during their initial slog up here, but Levi takes it now to make use of it, cutting it into three roughly equal lengths and fashioning a makeshift array that will keep them from getting separated.

“Your friend’s a dumbass,” Levi tells Isabel, tying the last knot with a rough snap of the braided hemp.

Isabel grimaces. “Yeah, well, let’s just hope he’s not a _dead_ dumbass.”

* * *

Escaping Nairi and Callum’s compound patrols would probably be a lot harder to avoid if they weren’t the only two instructors herding a veritable gaggle of brats. That, and the snow is falling far too heavily to see more than about three meters ahead. As it stands, Levi and the others have no problems slipping out of their barracks when the dim lantern light hobbles past their window, marking the passing of their unfortunate instructors, and the wind easily drowns out the sound of their footsteps crunching into snow.

Levi won’t let them leave just yet though. This idiotic rescue attempt is going to be wildly unsuccessful if they don’t prepare properly and Levi would rather delay their departure for a little while rather than hare out into the wilderness half-cocked. He bids Isabel and Farlan to wait for him by the compound’s east gate and slips into the provisions shed to pilfer a couple of flare guns and acoustic rounds and a lantern that he lights in here away from the wind. He also shoves a few ration extra ration bars into his pack because… Well, they were there.

Once he meets back up with the others, they cooperate to tie the ends of the rope around their waists, Farlan linked to Levi and Levi linked to Isabel, though the task is made somewhat trickier by the presence of their thick gloves, but they manage it well enough. Once Levi is satisfied that the knots won’t give and he won’t lose one or both of his idiots to the snowstorm, he hands the lantern off to Isabel and they begin to pick their way carefully back down the trail from the compound towards the forest.

“This is the worst,” Farlan bellows to be heard above the wind. “We can’t see shit, we can’t _hear_ shit, how in the hell are we meant to find anyone out here?”

“We have to _try_ ,” Isabel shouts back, holding her hood up against the wind. “Just shut up and keep an eye out. And stop complaining, it’s not helping.”

No, it’s not, but Levi can’t help but agree with Farlan. The three of them, at least, will not die out here, Levi’s certain of that. Even if he didn’t have a surprisingly keen sense of direction, the direction the storm is blowing the snowfall in - a harsh whip of westerly wind - is too strong a marker for them to lose their way entirely. Their best bet is to follow the old forest trail that has been worn back into the treeline by years of cadets following the same path, and hope that eventually their paths will cross with the lost idiots and the idiots who decided to get brave and save them

Regardless, if they don’t find any trace of them before dawn, Levi’s more than happy to abandon the idiots to their inevitable snowy demise. What does he care if a couple of brats die because of their own stupid idea?

Farlan does eventually stop complaining, but only because it’s too difficult to make himself heard over the howling storm and takes to carving a noticeable gash into the trunk of every fifth tree or so to mark their path. Levi, in turn, loads the first of the six acoustic rounds into the flare gun, raising it above his head and covering his left ear with his palm as he fires it. The trail of smoke it leaves is blown away instantly by the wind, but the trembling ring of the round - Levi is pleased to note - resonates clearly above the clamour of the storm, a high and striking note that echoes for a solid minute before fading.

“Holy _shit_ , that’s loud!” Isabel bellows. “No way they didn’t hear that!”

“Yeah, that’s great and all, but how the hell are they meant to signal back?” Farlan demands, hacking another gash into another poor, defenceless tree. “I doubt your boyfriend was smart enough to steal a flare gun of his own.”

“No, but Eren’s loud enough on his own,” Levi says, shoving Isabel back when she prepares to lunge for Farlan for the boyfriend jibe. “I’ll fire them intermittently and if they’re smart - which, doubtful - they’ll yell out and we can go from there. If not, well, we tried.”

It’s impossible to mark the passage of time out here with no moon or starlight to go by and the night just keeps getting darker, seemingly without end. The meagre light from Isabel’s lantern doesn’t do much to illuminate their surroundings, but even if it could the snowfall is far too heavy to see through, so it wouldn’t do much good anyway. Still, it’s something, means they aren’t travelling in complete darkness, and they have enough oil to burn at least until dawn, bare any misfortune.

A short while later, Levi fires off another acoustic round. That one yields no results, so they press on and mercy upon mercies, the deeper they get into the forest, the weaker the wind seems to get. Levi considers breaking from the trail into the deeper woodland just for a reprieve from the constant whip of the wind stinging his face and eyes, but that’s a risk he’s not really willing to take. It would be too easy for them to lose their way in the denser flank of trees, so they stick to the main path and suffer, though the snowfall does lessen in patches where parts of the canopy of barren branches knot together into a somewhat protective ceiling.

Approximately an hour later, Isabel shuffles closer to Levi’s side and though it will hamper their movements a bit, he sighs and holds an arm out, letting her duck underneath it to share some body heat. She’s not trembling, so she’s in no danger of freezing, not yet, but Levi can tell by the tense cut of her shoulders that she’s worried.

Which doesn’t really make any sense. She’s always been friendly, eccentrically so, but to fret so over the welfare of relative strangers isn’t something Levi understands. Sure, Eren’s lot seem _okay_ as far as people go. There’s nothing inherently special about them, aside from maybe the girl’s budding 3DM gear prowess and the blonde kid’s ability to actually hold his own against Farlan at poker, but all in all they’re just… kids. And Levi could probably understand Isabel’s worry if they were worth something to them, if befriending them netted them some kind of payoff in the long run, but to just worry so freely over them just because you kind of like their personalities is weird.

Maybe Isabel’s just desperate for any kind of companionship she can get. Levi can’t really begrudge her that, even if he is starting to lose all sensation in his face.

“Levi! Isa! I’ve got something!”

Levi looks over - doesn’t miss Isabel’s excited gasp - and they follow the rope to where Farlan is standing by a young conifer. He turns to them, eyes scrunched up against the wind, and holds points to one of the tree’s lower branches. Knotted tightly around it is a single strip of torn cloth, fluttering madly in the gale-force winds.

“Okay,” Levi says, mildly impressed. “Not total idiots, then.”

Farlan spies the next strip roughly five meters away, tied similarly around another low branch. Frustratingly, the trail leads off the main path into the woodland, which isn’t great, but Levi’s hoping the strips will hold up against the storm long enough for them to pick their way back to the trail once they link up with the others. He nods and the three of them clear the path, heading deeper into the forest.

The change is immediate.

The wind drops.

Like stepping into a quiet room, they cross into an isolated weather pocket, where the surrounding conifers still bearing their leaves serve to create a wall against the worst of the storm. Sound rushes back in like an avalanche and blessedly Levi’s ears finally stop ringing from the deafening blast of air that has assailed them since they left the compound. It’s damn near silent, save the high whistle from between the leaves, and the canopy is dense enough to shield them from the worst of the snowfall.

“Oh, thank god,” Farlan moans, sagging. He rubs his gloved palms roughly over his wind-bitten cheeks. “For the record, I hate snow. I _hate_ it.”

Levi chances lowering his hood, just for the moment, and glances around. It’s impossible to see through the trees much farther, but the trail they need to follow is clear enough, those knotted strips of white cloth standing out starkly among the shadowy green-black-brown of the forested backdrop. With less urgency now that they have a clear path to follow, the three of them proceed and Levi has to admit that, now that he’s not at risk of freezing his balls off or getting a stray icicle to the face, the winter woodland makes a pretty nice picture.

Never got this kind of shit in the underground. Not bad.

There’s no break in the trees at all, so they stay shielded from the storm in this little, quiet pocket for a long while, Isabel finally able to hold the lantern aloft and illuminate their path more successfully. The scraps get further and further apart, which signifies they’d started to run out of whatever cloth they’d been tearing their markers from, but before Levi can really begin to wonder if they’ll lose the trail, the treecover breaks, giving way to a large rocky wall covered with a brown spider web of dying vines and moss.

“Well, shit,” Farlan says, frowning up at it. “Did they fucking scale this or what?”

Not likely, considering there aren’t any noticeable footholds and it seems to border the southern limit of the forest line for a good distance in both directions. Levi loads up a third acoustic round and they cover their ears when he fires, but only for the initial detonation, listening keenly in the aftermath for any sound of--

_“--AAHHHHHHH.”_

Well, alright.

“That’s Eren!” Isabel yells and Farlan opens his mouth to deliver some sort of jibe but she forestalls him by thumping him in the arm. Hard. “Shut up. Shut _up._ Let’s go!”

She tears off and Levi and Farlan can’t really stop her, taking into account the fact that they’re tied together and that trying to stop her would end up with all three of them crashing to the ground. That, and her hearing has always been uncanny, so Levi’s quite content to let her lead them to wherever that godawful cry had come from.

They find it not long after; a small crevasse, a hewed break in that towering rocky wall, illuminated from within by the faint light of a fire. In the mouth of it stands a figure, waving their arms like a lunatic.

“Over here!” Eren yells. “Hey! Over here!”

“Eren!” Isabel yells, barrelling into him and taking him - _and_ Levi _and_ Farlan - down to the ground in a painful tangle of limbs. It’s a fucking mess and Levi is in absolutely no mood for it, but even he is somewhat relieved that they’ve managed to find their quarry before they froze to death.

Levi helps Farlan back onto his feet and they divest themselves of the rope while Isabel and Eren scramble upright, Eren’s cheeks a fiery sort of pink that’s more amusing than anything else.

“You’re such a dumbass!” Isabel snaps, thumping him. “What the hell were you thinking?”

“Hello to you, too,” Eren says, brushing himself off. “Did you guys really come out to find us?”

“Of course we did! I was so worried!” To illustrate just how worried she was, Isabel hits him again. “You couldn’t wait until morning?”

“It’s a good thing we didn’t,” Eren says and the amusement from before slips right off his face. “Daz-- He was with the missing group. He’s hurt bad. Ymir and Christa were trying to get him back to the compound, but the storm got too bad. I think his leg’s broken. He’s unconscious, too, not sure for how long, but they couldn’t carry him through the storm by themselves.”

“Show me,” Farlan says at once, ever practical, and Eren nods, leading them deeper into the cave.

They’ve made a good fire, at least, and since his services are no longer required, Levi wastes no time in stripping off his sodden coat and sitting down beside it to warm his extremities. Eren’s friends are also huddled around it, probably about ten seconds away from passing out, so Levi doesn’t have to concern himself with avoiding any possible attempts at conversation.

Further still into the cave, by a smaller, second fire, are two girls and the prone form of the guy Eren mentioned - Daz or whatever. The girls are fast asleep, the taller one with her back propped up against the cave wall and the smaller one tucked up safely into her arms. Their grip on each other is tight even in sleep and Levi lets his gaze pass over them quickly, out of some strange sense that he’s looking at something private.

Eren and Farlan speak quietly to each other while examining the cause of this whole problem and Levi yanks Isabel down before she can bustle over and make a nuisance of herself. She pouts and grumbles about it but doesn’t get up again, electing instead to huddle closer to the fire, stretching her chilled fingers out towards the flames.

“Thank you,” she mumbles, nudging him with her foot. “You didn’t have to help, but I’m grateful.”

“Yeah, well.” Levi nudges her back. “Slogging through a snowstorm is preferable to listening to you fretting about your boyfriend.”

“Shut _up_ , it’s not like that,” Isabel whines. “Stop being gross.”

Yeah, well. “It’s okay if it is,” Levi says, against his better judgement. He’s never been the most articulate of people, but he and Farlan are the closest thing Isabel has to any kind of role model, god help her. “I mean, once we settle down up here, you can… I mean, it’s normal? You’re allowed to… Like people.”

“Well, yeah,” Isabel says, looking at him oddly. “Levi, you don’t have to explain this to me, I’m not a child. I know what a crush is.”

“You _are_ a child,” Levi says, ducking when she tries to cuff him round the head. “Don’t give me that, you are. And though I’d question your taste, if you do like him you can… I don’t know. Do whatever it is kids do when they fancy each other. Collect rocks and… Kiss and stuff.”

Okay, this was a bad idea. Levi’s experience in this area is so far below lacking that it's unreal. He’s not exactly got anything to base this ham-fisted attempt at advice on, especially considering the kind of shit he was born around, but this is Isabel, he wants to give her _some_ kind of assurance that these sorts of things are okay.

“Collect rocks,” Isabel says, eyes sparkling with amusement. “Wow, you’re so smart, Levi. Sharing the secrets of love with me.”

“Fuck off,” Levi snaps affectionately. “Look, I just meant--”

“I know what you meant.” She leans her head on his shoulder. “Thanks. But it really isn’t like that. They just… They’re fun, y’know? Different. Not that you and Farlan aren’t great, but… I don’t know, I feel less lonely when I get to talk to them.”

Levi sighs and wraps an arm around her shoulders. “Yeah. Good. Want me to tell Farlan to back off with the jokes?”

“Nah, I can handle him.”

Of that, Levi has no doubt.

And speak of the devil, Farlan sidles over just then, settling down by the fire with a groan while Eren sits across from them on the other side. The girl - Mi… something - stirs when he does and Eren settles her with a light touch to her shoulder.

“It’s just a fracture, I think,” Farlan says, methodically peeling off his gloves finger by finger and setting them off to one side. “We’ve bound it as well as we can so it should hold until we get him back to the compound and can get it looked at. I’m more concerned about the fever he’s got, but there’s not a lot we can do here. We can hold out till morning, won’t make much difference.”

“Yeah, that’s what we thought,” Eren murmurs, wrapping his arms around his knees. “I’m just glad they’re alive.”

“Probably a good thing you decided to look for them,” Farlan says and Eren manages a small, grateful smile. “Stupid, but brave. You guys probably saved their lives. Morning would've likely been too late. Though…” He shrugs, smiling faintly. “Guess we came all the way out here for nothing.”

“No, you helped,” Eren says at once. “We couldn’t have splinted his leg like that.”

Farlan accepts that with a magnanimous inclination of his head and they four of them lapse into weary silence, lulled by the heat of the fire.

“Listen…” Eren says after a moment. “I… I get that you guys have… your own stuff going on. But you don’t have to worry about me.” Levi tenses when Eren’s gaze slips to him, only for a moment, but there’s enough in that gaze to remind him that Levi did, in fact, threaten to kill him. He’d almost forgotten. “I don’t give a shit about any of that. It’s your own business. I’m not going to tell anyone anything.”

“That’s nice and all,” Farlan says, not unkindly, “but we’ve been around long enough to know you can’t trust a word anyone says. You might talk nice, but it’s actions that prove intentions.”

“Oh, give it a rest, Farlan,” Isabel gripes. “Eren’s not like that. He knows where we’re from and hasn’t told anybody.”

Well, _that’s_ news to Levi. Sure, the scouts know, but that’s because Erwin had to report it, but it’s not something they’re happy to spread around to just anyone. A life up here is going to be hard enough to secure without every other fucker knowing the truth of where they come from.

“You neglected to mention that particular detail, Isabel dearest,” Farlan says icily. “When was this?”

Isabel laughs nervously. “Oh, you know. It just came up.”

“How?”

“You know, I forget…”

“Does it matter?” Eren asks, drawing Farlan’s attention away from the girl attempting to edge around Levi like he’s going to stop Farlan from throttling her. “Makes no difference. You guys had a harder start to life than most, but we’ve all been through some shit. Who cares where you’re from? You gonna let it follow you forever? Or aren’t you guys up here to leave that behind?”

It’s the smartest thing Levi’s heard come out of the kid’s mouth since they’ve met. Strangely insightful, though his gaze does keep flitting nervously back to Levi. Which Levi can’t exactly blame him for. Though he is, uncharacteristically, somewhat regretful about the whole “threatening to kill him” affair. Kid’s not bad, Isabel likes him, and that’s good enough for Levi.

“Whatever,” Levi says boredly. “You should get some sleep. I want to be out of here at dawn. I’m not roughing it in a cave with a bunch of brats until the instructors come find us. I have shit to do.”

Eren huffs a faint laugh at that and they say no more. Farlan and Isabel pull blankets and bedrolls out of their packs to settle down on and Eren moves around quietly to get his exhausted friends into vaguely acceptable positions for sleeping. The girl murmurs quietly to Eren when disturbed, glancing towards Levi and the others with an expression of sleepy curiosity, but Eren only shakes his head, draping a blanket over her and sitting beside her until she drifts off again.

Levi, for his part, is quite content to just sit by the fire for a little while longer, enjoying a moment of peace before he attempts to sleep. It’s not the lack of a bed that troubles him, he’s just never been particularly comfortable sleeping around others. Farlan and Isabel aside, Levi’s too wary of strangers to relax his guard completely, so he’ll probably stay awake until dawn and busy himself tending to the fire, then catch up on the sleep he’ll miss once they’re back to the compound.

Peace isn’t an option, though, because once the others have settled down, Eren returns to the fire and sits a few feet away. Levi glances at him out of the corner of his eye, silently daring him to say something.

“I get it,” Eren finally says and Levi’s caught off guard enough by the odd start that he glances over fully. “Why you… _cautioned_ me against talking.”

Levi snorts at that. “I didn’t caution you, kid, that was a straight up threat.”

Eren smiles, a wry twist of his lips. The fire’s made his eyes darker than their usual green, almost black in the low light, but it makes the flecks of gold so much brighter. So weird. “Yeah, I was… messing around. Um. I just meant that… I get why you did it. I know you’ve got… shit going on. I just wanted to let you know--”

“Kid, if you’re going to give me a speech about how I can count on you to run your mouth, don’t bother.” Eren looks startled but Levi doesn’t really have the patience or the personality to avoid offending him. “I couldn’t give less of a shit. Like Farlan says, you can talk pretty all you want, but it’s actions that matter. You’ll talk when it suits you and no amount of promises is going to change that.”

“Okay,” Eren says after a moment. “Alright, new angle.” Oh, _joy_. “I couldn’t give less of a shit about what you guys are really here for. I don’t think you want to be scouts, so obviously there’s something else going on. But I like Isabel. And I don’t want to cause trouble for you guys. Besides, are you trying to tell me that you couldn’t actually kill me if it came down to it? Wasn’t that the whole point of the knife?” Eren raises his eyebrows pointedly, issuing such a ballsy challenge that Levi’s momentarily impressed.

“I could,” Levi says, nodding. “And I will, if I have to. I’d rather not, though. Isabel would give me shit for it.”

Eren laughs, low and soft. “Well, thank god for Isabel, then.”

They lapse into silence which is both welcome and surprisingly comfortable. Not that it would make much difference to Levi if it weren’t. He’s a big fan of silence in all its forms, so even if the kid got stroppy with him, Levi’d still be happy for silence, awkwardness and all.

Still doesn’t change the fact that Levi’s more than willing to kill this brat if he does anything to hurt Isabel or Farlan, intentional or otherwise. He doesn’t get _why_ Isabel’s so weirdly fond of the kid, doesn’t understand what it is about him that makes her want to be his friend. He’s unremarkable, bar his pretty face, his not particularly funny, seems to have quite the temper on him. Levi can’t ponder on his military skills because he’s never seen him train, and the kid’s so uncomfortable on a horse it’s laughable. He doesn’t know Eren, doesn’t particularly want to, but if Isabel’s happy to befriend him, Levi’s sure as hell not going to stop her.

Not unless Eren does something to make him.

For now… Well, he’ll just see what happens.


	6. Chapter 6

Daz wakes up the next morning, and though none of them are overly fond of the guy, every single one of them breathes a heavy sigh of relief. He’s in no fit state to walk, which Farlan is the one to tell him, pinning the kid down with a firm hand to his chest. He says it’s because he doesn’t want Daz to screw up his “fucking flawless splint job” but Eren sees a flicker of something a little deeper in Farlan’s eyes that he has no idea what to make of.

He’d been perfectly determined to be the one to haul Daz’ pallet back to the compound himself, but Levi of all people is the one to shove Eren out of the way and drape the connecting rope over his own shoulder. Eren would’ve argued harder, but Levi starts dragging the pallet - Daz and all - like it weighs literally nothing. Isabel gleefully informs the rest of them that Levi is just “like that” which clears things up in no way whatsoever.

They send Ymir, Christa, and Armin off ahead because out of all of them, Christa and Ymir need to get some proper food and rest soon, and Armin’s the best one to lead them back quicker. Eren and Mikasa hang back with the others because… Well, Eren just kind of wants to. Mikasa hangs back because of course she does, but Eren’s glad to have her with him because Farlan and Levi still honestly kind of terrify him a bit.

Also because Eren’s feeling a little awkward about corning Levi by the fire last night. Nothing had really happened - at least Levi hadn’t pulled a knife on him this time - but having both Mikasa and Isabel nearby is comforting for wildly different reasons. Isabel because she’s erratic and hilarious. Mikasa because she’s thoughtful and could probably take the three of them in a fight.

Eren’s not ashamed to admit that Levi terrifies him a little bit.

They don’t talk much as they follow the path back to the compound, easier now that the snow seems to have finally stopped trying to smother every living thing in sight. Well, five of them don’t, Isabel is content to chatter away enough for all of them, but Eren doesn’t mind that at all. Neither do Farlan or Levi, Eren is beginning to realise, because when the girl speaks their customary and rarely changing expressions - Levi’s stoic and exhausted, Farlan’s tacit and affable - soften ever so slightly when she talks, when she laughs.

“Those two are so cute, don’t you think?” Isabel is saying on a sigh, looking uncharacteristically wistful. Eren follows her gaze, wondering who it is she’s supposed to be looking at, but there’s no one around except the six of them, and Daz doesn’t really count because he’s strapped down and rarely conscious.

“Who?” Farlan asks, glancing at her like she’s lost it. Which isn’t an unfair assumption, considering she’s apparently talking about people who aren’t here.

“Ymir and Christa!” Isabel says like it’s obvious. “How long have they been together?”

“Together?” Eren asks, eyebrows raising. “What, like…?”

“Courting!” Isabel says, eyes shining. “It’s so _sweet_. Ymir seems so moody and Christa’s a literal ray of sunshine. They’re like complete opposites but they’re so happy together. It’s so _cute!”_

“I think it started shortly after we enlisted in the cadets,” Mikasa says with a small smile. “It seemed very strange at first, but they really are very good together.”

“This is news to me!” Eren says, more than a little bit shocked.

“Well, that’s not surprising,” Mikasa says with an air of amused disapproval. “You’re the most observant person to ever walk the earth.”

Eren scowls at her. “Am _not.”_

“Are, too,” Isabel adds which is great, now Eren’s got _two_ sibling-adjacent nightmares ganging up on him. “I could tell and I’ve met them like… once. Which was last night.”

“They share a bunk,” Mikasa says and Eren makes a scandalised sound. Not at the bunk sharing, he’s not an asshole, but just because Mikasa’s never been one to gossip and this definitely feels like gossip.

What is _happening?_

“Oh, cute,” Isabel coos, drawing the u out much longer than is strictly necessary. “Farlan, isn’t that cute?”

“Yeah, it’s real adorable,” Farlan comments idly. “Hormonal brats thrashing all over each other. My most favourite conversation topic.”

“No one said anything about thrashing, ya perv,” Isabel gripes, smacking at him.

“Oh, fuck off, you know what I meant. You idiots are like, what, fifteen? You’re gonna go through like twenty adolescent partners before your brains mature up enough to understand what it means to care about someone properly.”

Isabel pulls a horrific face and blows a long, loud, and protracted raspberry at him. “You sound like someone’s disapproving grandpa. The fuck do you know about _love,_ huh?”

They call Eren unobservant, but he’d have to be blind to miss the way Farlan flinches. Which is interesting and concerning all at once. Curiosity flares low in Eren’s gut, but he’s at least socially conscious enough to know there are some questions you just don’t ask.

“What do _you_ know about it?” Levi asks before the awkward lull in conversation can drag on long enough to be noticed. “You’re barely old enough to wipe your own ass and you think you know what it means to love someone?”

“I was just saying!” Isabel protests, verging uncomfortably close to shrill. “I was literally— Eren, back me up. I was literally just saying that those girls make a cute couple and you got weird and flossical about it.” She folds her arms petulantly and Eren and Farlan share a brief look of identical confusion.

Eren clears his throat. “Flossical?” He repeats, eyebrows raising.

“Yeah! All deep and thoughtful and shit.”

Eren presses his lips together tightly. Levi cranes his neck back to give Isabel a flatly disbelieving look. “It’s “philosophical”, you entire dumbass.”

Isabel squawks indignantly and what follows is a volley of bickering too fast for Eren to keep up with, mainly because “Levi” and “bickering” don’t really seem like two words that should go together so his brain can’t really parse any of it, but Isabel manages to rile Levi up unlike anything else and if she can goad him into it, it seems like he can argue for hours without pausing for breath. Eren gives up on tracking who’s winning the argument after a few minutes, due in large part to the fact that, for every insult Isabel hurls at him, Levi just responds with “yeah, and you’re stupid”.

They’re… Well, the underground trio might be uncannily skilled, but they’re… kind of stupid? They bicker and argue and make shit jokes and can never seem to agree on anything.

Eren really does quite like them.

* * *

It’s bad.

Oh, it’s _so_ bad.

Eren’s never really been one for consequences - hilarious things that happen to other people, not to him - because he has a Mikasa and an Armin, who are both very adept at either punching the consequences or reasoning them away respectively, and for his part Eren has longs legs for running fast, so the only consequences that tend to catch him are the inconsequential ones that he doesn’t particularly mind sitting through. Point being, Eren’s never really had to face a consequence he couldn’t stomach.

Now, though? Yeah, he’s in the shit. Just a bit.

He hadn’t really thought much beyond “find Ymir and Christa” when he’d scarpered from the compound last night. Armin and Mikasa hadn’t either, considering they’d gone with him without hesitation, but that might be because they have an unspoken agreement between them that if Eren Does A Thing, they need to be there to make sure the Thing He Does doesn’t get him killed. See, he’s not unobservant, he just picks and chooses what sinks in and what doesn’t.

But right now, standing in front of the two extremely put out instructors who have been waiting for their arrival shortly after Armin and the girls had reached the compound, accompanied by an equally unimpressed Shadis, Eren has to admit that he doesn’t much care for the dawning realisation that he’s fucked up real bad.

Nairi has the whole “I’m not mad I’m just disappointed” look down, which is horrifying and makes Eren feel about six years old and like he’s just been caught in a bold-faced lie by his mom. It aches strangely but he can’t really do anything to make it go away, which makes the whole situation worse. Callum’s looking at him like he wants nothing more than to snap his neck, which isn’t particularly bothersome in any real way, because Callum’s the adult here and is bound by certain unspoken rules of propriety and responsibility.

Shadis, though? Yeah, that’s gonna suck real bad.

Especially considering Eren’s facing the three of them alone. Mikasa and Armin have been dismissed, and even Isabel’s group have been sent away in disgrace. Eren doubts they’ll face much reprisal, though. Not if he had anything to say about it. Eren’s more than prepared to go down for this alone, however that might happen.

“I’m simply confused,” the Commandant says, hands clasped neatly behind his back, and if he’d been shouting Eren would have been far happier. As it stands, he’s very calm, speaking with all the polite disinterest one might use to comment on the weather. “Please, enlighten us as to what it was, exactly, that made you think putting the lives of your fellow cadets in danger was a good idea. And not even just your fellow cadets. You also saw fit to endanger the lives of three of the scouts personnel like it was nothing.”

Alright, _that_ bit isn’t Eren’s fault. He didn’t _make_ Isabel and the others come after them, hell, he didn’t even think there was any possibility that they _would_. As eventualities go, it’s so far off the table it’s not even in the vicinity of the mess hall.

Well, he’s not got much to lose. Might as well go down honestly.

“I was concerned for the lives of my fellow cadets, sir,” Eren says, raising his chin obstinately. “Mikasa and Armin followed me for the same reason. But I had intended to act alone.”

“Yes, that’s painfully obvious,” Shadis drawls. “But I still can’t fathom why.”

Eren grits his teeth. “Because waiting until morning to organise a search for Ymir and Christa may have been too late. We found them lost in the blizzard and Daz had a fever and a broken leg. We found them just in time. Any longer and they might have died.” He narrows his eyes. “Sir.”

Shadis regards him the way one might look upon a particularly bothersome insect. “You disobeyed your superior officers on a whim. You think that sort of behaviour is going to fly when you’re a soldier? You think you can just pick and choose which orders to follow?”

Eren knows he absolutely should not say what he’s thinking. He _knows_ it.

Eren opens his mouth anyway.

“If an order risks the lives of my comrades for no good reason, maybe I’m not serving the right superiors.” Eren injects as much venom as he can into a single word. _”Sir.”_

Callum twitches like he’s about to swing for him and Eren silently _dares_ him to try it. He’s got some choice insults already forming on his tongue and he’s itching for an excuse to use them, almost as much as he’s itching for a proper fight - close combat drills just don’t cut it, you know? - but because Callum’s not a teenager with a temper problem, he just clenches his fists and scowls at Eren who scowls back just as viciously.

“I ought to ship you off to one of the outlying farms for the rest of your miserable life,” Shadis says and Eren’s stomach plummets to somewhere around the vicinity of his knees. As far as threats go it’s probably the only one that holds any weight with Eren, for whom consequences are still something of a foreign concept, because he honestly cannot think of anything worse than being physically able to fight but circumstantially prevented from doing so. “I don’t know what you’ve got between your ears that’s attempting to pass for a brain, but we don’t live in the kind of world that prizes soldiers with a conscience. In _our_ military, you follow orders or you die. You don’t get points for doing the right thing.”

Eren blinks. The right… thing...?

“You saved your comrades' lives by endangering more,” Shadis continues, ambivalent to Eren’s quiet surprise. “That isn’t the kind of mathematics that tracks when you dedicate your heart and soul to the cause. I could excuse your stupidity if it had just been yourself you put in danger, but dragging others into your idiocy - had you not been lucky and gotten yourselves killed out there - would mean we lost nine promising recruits rather than four. Do you understand?”

Awfully, yes. The logic is there - ruthless and sound and uniquivocable. Eren gets it - hates it - and wants nothing more than to rage against it the way he does most things he dislikes, but his tenuous and oftentimes nonexistent grip on his self-control is all that’s standing between him and a lifetime spent tilling fields until he dies, so he holds firm with everything he has. Silent and resolute. It does not come easy.

Shadis’ ruthless mathematics state that if your actions will save lives but risk a higher loss, then they aren’t worth it. Essentially, Eren was meant to put the lives of the living over the lives of the endangered, simply because the living outnumbered those at risk. That’s not the kind of equation Eren can stomach. He can’t abide lending his strength to a corps that propagates such ideals.

“You’re not making a very strong case for me to keep you,” Shadis tells him. “Your abilities are barely above adequate, you’re disobedient and headstrong, you don’t think before you act or speak. Tell me, Jaeger, exactly why it is that I should bother spending the next two years wasting my time trying to build you into a soldier that you have little chance of ever becoming?”

Eren clenches his fists. “I can’t.”

“What was that? I didn’t catch it.”

“I can’t!” Eren repeats, louder. “I don’t have a reason. If you want to get rid of me then do it. But my friends would have died out there if I hadn’t gone after them. You can… You can posture all you want about the stupid cost/benefit analysis of saving lives, but I made the right call and you can’t convince me that I didn’t. No one died and I won’t feel guilty because I disobeyed an order that was wrong.” He glares in Callum and Nairi’s direction. “At least I did something.”

“There really is no hope for you,” Shadis says, a strange glint in his eyes. “I don’t know what I expected from Grisha’s son. Pack your things, Jaeger. I’m putting you on the first—“

“Shadis.”

The voice that interrupts the Commandant is unexpected, low but impossible to ignore. The four of them, Eren and his judge and jury, turn as one towards the sound. Eren’s eyes widen.

“You gonna give the kid shit all day or are you going to do something about the feverish sack of snot burning up in the infirmary?” Levi asks, looking beyond bored. “We’ve all got places to be, and I don’t know about you but I’ve seen enough of this frosty shithole to last a lifetime.” He folds his arms, glancing between them like he’s never seen something so uninteresting in his life. “You know, I always thought the scouts were hurting for fresh meat. You’re really gonna turn away a willing body because he was prepared to risk his scrawny ass for his friends?” He inclines his head. “I don’t know why, but for some reason I expected better.”

Shadis’ face cycles through a very interesting spectrum of colours very quickly, from pale to red to puce to purple, which it stops on while he attempts to stop his entire head from exploding. Eren, on the other hand, gapes at Levi like he’s grown a second head

Is Levi… _vouching_ for him.

“Ship the kid out if you want,” Levi says with a one-shouldered shrug. “But I’m gonna go out on a limb here and make the assumption that you’re not really in a position to be particular when it comes to who you’re willing to let die for the cause.” He doesn’t smile, is probably physically incapable, but his mouth does twitch vaguely towards amusement. “Now, can we go? I lost all sensation in my balls about week ago. If I lose them to frostbite, I’m fucking coming for your life.”

Eren snorts, wisely clamping his mouth immediately shut when Shadis turns his furious gaze back to him.

“Get out of my fucking sight, Jaeger,” Shadis barks. “I don’t want to fucking see, hear, or _smell_ you for the entirety of the winter break. If you give me _any_ more trouble, there won’t be enough of you left to post back to the interior in an envelope.”

Eren snaps a salute without thinking about it because there’s not really any other response that seems more appropriate. Shadis’ scowl only darkens so Eren does the smart thing for once in his life and scarpers before the Commandant can rethink his stance on letting Eren stay in the cadets.

Thank fuck - and this is something Eren never _ever_ thought he’d say, but thank _fuck_ for Levi.

* * *

It’s by unspoken agreement that, even though they were the last to arrive, Christa’s group will join Eren’s in their freedom from chores during the winter break. Daz gets a free pass because his leg is injured - not a full break, just a fracture, but he’ll still need to rest it for a good few weeks before he can join them in training again. Daz is not displeased about this outcome in the slightest. The rest of the 104th unanimously agree to take on the chores for the six of them, which Eren definitely won’t complain about.

Christa sidles up to him the night before they’re due to return back to the training halls, the absolute picture of guilt, but Eren waves her off before she can go off about how sorry she is for getting lost in the snow storm. It’s not altruism that makes Eren deflect her gratitude, not in the slightest. He _likes_ Christa - he really does - he just thinks she’s… Well, she’s a bit _too_ sweet and he’s not really sure how to deal with that. Mostly he just waves her off because he really doesn’t want her to start weeping all over him. It’s kind of funny, they’re like complete polar opposites. Christa’s short and unfailingly kind. Eren’s tall and angry literally all of the time.

The trek back to the main compound is a lot less eventful this time around. The snow has settled in fully for the winter, but the skies show no sign of ripping apart the way they had for the blizzard a few nights prior. When the snow does fall, it’s far lighter and softer than the violent swirl of white that had tried to smother everything. It’s almost pleasant, even if Eren is sick and tired of not being able to feel his extremities.

They make it back in pretty good time, too, and Shadis dismisses them all for the break with an uncustomary lack of lecturing. He does threaten that if they venture into Trost and do anything to besmirch the integrity of the cadet corps, he’ll hamstring the lot of them, but it’s not like any of them really have any money to waste in the market stalls there, though they do make tentative plans to make the trip into the district just for the novelty of it.

Once again, Levi and the others disappear without a trace, which is frustrating because Eren had been hoping to actually get to spend some of the winter break with Isabel, but since Levi had literally saved Eren’s future as a soldier, Eren hasn’t seen hide nor hair of the three of them. They didn’t return to the compound with them, and none of the other cadets give two shits about them, so they can’t shed any light on the group’s whereabouts.

For the most part, the cadets are left to do as they please, with little to no supervision. Nairi and Callum occasionally make appearances whenever they get too rowdy, but they’re mostly absent which gives the 104th almost uninterrupted free reign of the compound. They’re allowed to train in groups if they get too bored, as long as they sign out the gear they use and don’t stray far after dark. It’s a strange sort of freedom to have and Eren wonders if it’s going to be like this when he joins the scouts; spending downtime between expeditions with his comrades, laughing and joking and finding new ways to amuse themselves. Except once he’s earning a wage, he’ll probably be able to do more than just roam the halls of a training camp.

A few days into their break, Eren does accompany Mikasa, Jean, Annie, and Mina into Trost to browse the winter markets. It’s nothing like Shiganshina, which is why Eren had even agreed to come in the first place. Window shopping is a new concept to him entirely and he’d honestly been unable to think of anything more boring than wandering stalls full of things he has no money to buy, but Annie - surprising literally all of them - treats them all to a hot cup of mulled cider while they peruse the stalls and Eren has to admit it’s not all that bad. The cider, at least, is wonderful. The stalls are just sort of… average. Sure, Shiganshina’s markets had been pretty lackluster compared to the finery of Trost’s stalls, but Eren has no need of trinkets or baubles or clothes. Still, though, he promises himself that he’ll come back for the first winter market after he’s joined the scouts, because he’d like to be able to get Mikasa and Armin something nice for the solstice celebrations.

The solstice is what they’re all looking forward to most during the break. A lot of them still have families who’ll be writing to them, sending gifts and treats and the like, and a couple of the cadets are lucky enough to actually have homes to go to for the solstice, but most of them stay because their homes are too far away to bother travelling to or, like in Eren, Mikasa, and Armin’s case, they have nowhere else to go. Eren tries not to think about it too much, considering it’s not the first solstice that’s passed by since the fall of Shiganshina, but it is the first solstice he’ll be celebrating without his parents beside him.

Thank god for Sasha and Connie, honestly. It’s only due to their combined idiocy that Eren doesn’t spend the majority of the winter break moping around. Now that they’re not under constant surveillance from the instructors, the two of them have dedicated themselves to waging an all-out, no holds barred prank war against the rest of their classmates. Eren - against his better judgement - joins in. Mainly for the opportunity to torment Jean at every opportunity.

For the first time in far too long Eren feels his age and it’s due - in part if not wholly - to the rest of the cadets. Now that they’ve been granted a reprieve from honing their bodies into titan-killing machines, they can actually be kids, and it’s strange and pleasant all at once. Mikasa smiles more, Armin chatters happily without reservation, and Eren spends most evenings laughing until his sides ache. It’s nice. It’s _fun._ Eren had almost forgotten what that felt like.

“I want it to be like this always,” Armin admits one evening, sprawled out across the end of Eren’s bed while they flout curfew without the fear of punishment. Since the instructors backed off, the barracks have become more co-ed, no one sleeps where or when they’re supposed to, which has so far led to many nights spent talking and laughing until the early hours, and has in turn resulted in sleeping routines being messed up beyond all recognition. Honestly, the novelty of sleeping in until well past noon is one Eren’s going to enjoy for however long he can get away with it. A soldier’s life is spent rising before dawn most days, so he’ll take his late nights and late starts for as long as he can.

“What, you taking up all the room?” Eren says, shoving Armin with his foot. “You can’t sleep there-- You _have_ a bed.”

Armin laughs, swatting Eren’s foot away. “No, I mean _this_. Spending the solstice with the two of you. Do you ever think about it? About the times between the expeditions? The soldiers must have homes to go to, they can’t always stay in the barracks.”

Honestly, no. Eren’s never really considered much beyond eating, sleeping, and killing titans. Not until recently, anyway, moreso now that Armin’s mentioned it. Of course the soldiers have homes, some of them have spouses and kids and pets, so it stands to reason that they do things that don’t involve killing and survival.

“I don’t really care what happens,” Mikasa says, hugging her knees to her chest. “But when we join the scouts and can afford our own places, I’d like a garden.”

She’s got the sort of wistful look in her eyes that Eren can’t stand. It doesn’t annoy him - far from it - but he doesn’t like it because he knows she’s thinking of memories that must hurt a hell of a lot more than they heal and he doesn’t know how to fix that. She talks sparingly about the life she had before the Jaegers took her in, but from Eren’s own foggy memories, he remembers that Mrs Ackerman had a pretty garden outside their home. She used to give Eren’s mom potatoes and carrots that she’d grown herself, along with bundles of rosemary and lavender that always made their home smell wonderful.

“A garden sounds nice,” Armin hums and Mikasa looks pleased. “I’d like… A house by the sea. Once we take the land back from the titans.”

Eren and Mikasa glance at each other. “That’s… A pretty big dream, Armin.”

“It is, isn’t it?” Armin says, dreamy smile solidifying into something wide and gleeful. “But that’s the point, isn’t it? Dreaming for something big? Weren’t you the one who vowed to kill all the titans?

“Well, yeah…”

“I want to see the sea,” Armin says to the ceiling. “And then I want a little house overlooking it, with a library and a garden and I want to live the rest of my life outside the walls.”

“You really think it’ll happen in our lifetime?” Mikasa asks.

“There’s no way to know that,” Armin says, pragmatic as always, “but we all need something to strive for, don’t we?”

"As long as we stay together," Mikasa says softly. "I don't really care what happens."

"I'm not bunking with both of you for the rest of my life," Eren grumbles with a playful scowl. "I had to sleep by Mikasa for my whole childhood, and now I have to bunk with Armin until we graduate and the both of you snore _so_ bad."

"We can get a big house," Armin offers, grinning. "With a floor for each of us. We can build it. Make it as fancy as we want."

"So Armin gets a whole floor that's just a library," Mikasa says, nudging him. "I can have some sort of... garden floor."

"Greenhouse," Armin supplies helpfully. She hits him with a pillow.

"And Eren can have... What do you want?"

Eren thinks. He thinks _really_ hard, but all that he can come up with... Actually, he can't come up with anything. Nothing worth dedicating a whole floor to in their imaginary house of wonders. There's nothing that Eren wants, nothing tangible, at least. He wants to venture outside the walls, he wants to see the sea and the wonders that Armin's forbidden book described. He wants to know the titans have been eradicated and he wants to be the one to have struck the final blow. Beyond that... Eren doesn't know what he wants.

"Let me think about it," he says with as much convincing joviality as he can muster. "Basing a whole floor on a dream is pretty important. I want to make sure I don't choose something I'll hate after a few months."

They laugh softly and Eren tries - and fails - not to think about the fact that the only dream he's ever held to with any real conviction is one born of rage and hatred.

They all need something to strive for... Armin's not wrong, so Eren wonders what sort of life he’d like to lead, if he ever gets the chance to see a world free of titans. It seems like a far flung hope, nothing more than a pipe dream, but there’s an undeniable draw to it, something strangely intoxicating about the concept of living a life free and unbound. Outside of the walls.

Had Shiganshina not fallen, Eren would still have enlisted in the corps. He’s wanted to be a scout since he was very young and that hasn’t changed, but maybe things would be different if he hadn’t enlisted with the memory of his home’s destruction fresh in his mind. He’d still have a home to go back to, until he became a fully-fledged member of the survey corps and had earned enough to purchase a home for himself. Maybe he’d have grown up and moved away but still visited on the weekends. Maybe he’d have taken after his father and studied medicine so that he could assist the battlefield medics. Maybe he’d’ve brought someone home to meet his parents someday, when he was old enough to think about courting.

Eugh. Maybe not that.

Still, though, thinking of the future is something Eren’s never really done, not beyond the abstract concept of donning the forest green cape and riding beyond the walls for the first time. And none of this is taking into account the horrifically high mortality rate of the scout regiment itself. Maybe Eren won’t even get to enjoy the kind of lives Mikasa and Armin are hoping for. Maybe Eren will die on his first expedition, slain by a titan before he can get the chance to really live.

Dreaming of the future is full of the pitfalls of melancholy, so Eren doesn’t really get the appeal.

But a house overlooking the sea…

Well, dreams exist for a reason, right?


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is brought to you by the fact that i had a specific need for levi to say "fuck around and find out". there is literally no other reason. aside from like, plot, but that's not important

The biggest obstacle you can encounter when trying to make contact with someone you don’t know by name, whom you’ve also never met, and you’ve no idea where to find, is the…

Well, all of the above.

But Levi’s not going to let that stop him.

Making contact is actually going to be the easy part, and if Levi were any less stubborn as a person, he’d put it down as a lost cause and get on with his life. But he can’t do that, can’t leave the future up to chance, not when it comes to Farlan and Isabel. And he’s good at working with little benefit, he’s not concerned about the act of reaching out and making contact, not at all. It’s what comes after that Levi can’t predict, but he’s always been pretty adept at improvising when things go all to shit. It’s how he’s lived this long.

The tricky part is going to be keeping Farlan and Isabel in the dark. Which he will, there’s no question about it. They don’t need to be involved, they don’t need to know that Levi’s making the executive decision to uproot their entire plan, but if he brought them in on it, they’d have opinions about it that Levi has neither the patience nor the tolerance for.

Fact is, it’s been too long. They’ve got no chance in hell of getting hold of those documents now. Levi knows this, Farlan and Isabel know it, too, but that doesn’t mean Levi’s just going to roll over and wait for the scouts to hand them over to the MPs without causing at least a _little_ trouble on the way down. Still, though, Levi’s never been the type to just write a job off without confirming first that he’s done everything he can to complete it. He’s always been stubborn like that. Another notch on the unwritten list of “reasons why Levi isn’t dead yet”.

They’ve still not been allowed within fifty feet of the survey corps’ headquarters since they enlisted, and if Levi weren’t suspicious and distrusting by nature, he’d take that at face value and get on with his business, but the whole thing reeks of subterfuge and Levi has no stomach for it. Best to assume the worst and be either pleasantly relieved or grimly accepting depending on what eventuality comes to pass.

Best to assume, then, that Erwin knew the situation from the start and work with that. Which means if Levi wants to get rid of the matter hanging over his head like a guillotine blade, he’s going to have to get a little creative.

With the winter break coming up for the cadets, Shadis is in a more generous mood than he usually is, considering he doesn’t have droves of brats to babysit for the next few weeks. It gives Levi the perfect opportunity to corner the Commandant and make his request before they get stuck escorting the whelps back to the main barracks.

Levi might not have the kind of connections above ground that’ll allow him to pull strings, but he doesn’t let that stop him from getting what he wants. It’s not like he had them below ground either, but his name used to mean something down there, used to carry the kind of weight that would get him extra pay for the jobs he worked, because people were too scared of what he might do to them if they tried to cross him. He doesn’t have his reputation up here, but he’s still a force to be reckoned with and Shadis knows that, which is why he agrees to Levi’s demands without much resistance.

“You want leave to go to the interior?” Shadis asks, eyebrows raising. “You think that’s a good idea? Have you forgotten that the MPs will take any opportunity to bring you down?”

“Doubtful,” Levi says. And it is. The MPs are hardly going to give a shit about three teenagers who used to occasionally help themselves to funds and equipment left “lying around” so conveniently. “I think they’re probably a lot more concerned about exactly how much of their wages they can piss away on booze over the holidays. Arrange an escort if you want, but we need to get to the interior. This might be the only chance we get, considering you’ll be shipping us out into titan country soon and we’ll most likely die the minute we leave the gate.”

Shadis’ eyes narrow and Levi stares back, undaunted. It’s a supremely unsubtle challenge and they both know it, but Shadis can’t refute the point without confirming that there is in fact a freeze on all scouting expeditions beyond the walls. Levi’s not meant to know that, hell, none of the scouts are even meant to know about that, which puts Levi in a rather good position. For the first time in months.

“What business could you possibly have in the interior anyway?” Shadis demands, seven different shades of suspicious. Which is fair enough, Levi would judge him if he wasn’t at least a _little_ distrustful.

“We have a friend we want to check up on,” Levi says vaguely. “It’s all above board, don’t get too excited. He’s in hospital and we haven’t heard from him in a while. Don’t worry, we’re not planning an elaborate heist for the King’s private reserves.”

Shadis gives him a look and Levi raises his chin stubbornly. They stare each other down for a few moments before Shadis curses and retreats to his desk, scrawling a quick missive on a spare piece of parchment. “Fine, but you’re taking an escort.”

It’s fair enough and exactly what Levi expected. Were he in Shadis’ position, there’s no way he’d let three wildcards loose in the interior, especially not with the kind of criminal backgrounds they can boast of. Levi’s not lying, though, they will be paying Jan a visit while they’re there - mainly to keep Farlan quiet - so he doesn’t protest to the presence of an escort, but that’s not the _only_ reason Levi wants to go.

Shadis doesn’t need to know that part, though.

Shadis folds the missive and secures it with his personal wax seal, shoving it into Levi’s hands. “Take this,” he orders and Levi tucks the envelope into his shirt pocket. “I’ll have one of the instructors ride with you to the headquarters. Behave yourselves, for the love of Sina. It’s my ass on the line if you act out.”

Incorrect, but Levi doesn’t have the time to dispute that. It’s actually Erwin’s ass on the line if Levi and the others act out, but Levi has no intention of bringing the long arm of the law down on the sanctimonious section commander. Not _yet,_ anyway.

“Nairi,” is Levi’s response. “Not Callum, he annoys me.”

“Callum it is,” Shadis says with some relish. Levi scowls and Shadis doesn’t grin because his face doesn’t seem to quite work that way, but he comes close. Levi leaves before Shadis dismisses him because he’s limited to the kind of “fuck yous” he can utilise above ground.

Doesn’t matter, though, he’s got what he wanted. Best part is he doesn’t even have to waste time coming up with a convincing lie to tell Farlan and Isabel about why they’ve been given a few days’ leave to head to the interior. All he has to do is mention visiting Jan and Farlan’s entire face lights up.

Levi wonders idly if he should feel guilty about withholding the truth from them, for using Farlan’s attachment to Jan to get them to comply without complaint. Neither of them think for a second that Levi would do anything duplicitous, not to them, and he should probably feel a little bad that his calculated gambit pays off so well and that they don’t question him.

No. Guilt is a luxury Levi can’t afford. He’ll apologise later.

If they find out.

* * *

Callum sees them to the scout HQ with an impressive amount of complaining the entire ride over. It’s a day and a half on horseback which is _horrific_ for all kinds of reasons, but none so much as Callum’s near-constant bitching. Levi passes the entire journey imagining the different ways he could effectively - and violently - shut Callum up for good, but it’s the thought of what they’re trying to achieve that stops Levi from forcing Callum to eat his own tongue.

Shadis had spoken with Callum before they departed and whatever transpired between them Levi wasn’t privy to, but he can make an educated guess, especially when Callum has them halt a little way from the barracks and continues the rest of the way on foot and alone. He’s not gone long, just long enough for the three of them to dismount and stretch and work out the stiffness from a days’ hard ride, before he’s returning with three fresh horses and another scout that Levi doesn’t recognise; about Farlan’s height with black hair and thick glasses.

“This is Sairam,” Callum says, taking the reins of their exhausted mounts. “He’s going to be escorting you to the interior.”

“Hi, Sairam!” Isabel says. Farlan gives him a lazy salute and Levi says nothing, just takes the reins of the fresh horse and climbs into the saddle.

“Hi,” Sairam says with an intense sort of air about him. Bookish type, then. Stickler for the rules, if the scouts trust him and Callum to be the only ones to escort the three of them to the interior. They’re obviously not expecting trouble, which is foolishly naive on the part of the scouts, but it makes Levi’s job easier, so he’s not going to complain. “Where is it we’re actually going?”

Levi looks to Farlan who digs in his pockets for a folded sheaf of parchment paper. “Stohess Memorial?” He says, looking to Sairam for approval.

“The hospital?” Sairam asks, taking the parchment when Farlan offers it to him. “Alright, I know it. Are you wanting to stay long?”

“No,” Levi says, somewhat impatiently. “Just a quick visit. Like I said to Shadis-- We haven’t heard from him in a while. We want to check that he’s okay.”

Lie.

“Alright,” Sairam says with a nod, gathering his own horse’s reins. “So you just want to pop in, stay for an hour or so, then come back?”

“Yeah,” Levi says. “In and out, no diversions.”

Lie.

“Sounds good,” Sairam says. “Callum, you good to go?”

“I fucking guess,” Callum grumbles. “You three better fuckin’ appreciate this. You’re cutting into the solstice celebrations. I should be drinking right now, not babysitting you little shits.”

Isabel blows a raspberry at him. “We’d probably give more of a shit about your problems if we liked you. Or if we knew what a solstice was.”

“It’s the shortest day of the year,” Sairam explains diplomatically. “We tend to give gifts and eat good food. It’s like… the celebration of year’s end. Time to spend with family.”

“Ohhh,” Isabel says, then pauses. “Yeah, we don’t have that in the underground. We do have bonfires every Sunday, though.”

“Oh, that sounds--”

“So we can burn all the bodies of everyone who’s been murdered during the week so we don’t get an outbreak of the plague.”

Sairam and Callum look horrified. Levi slaps his palm to Isabel’s where their escorts can’t see.

“Come on, guys, time’s a-wasting,” Farlan says, bring his horse around. “I want to get to the interior before I freeze my ass off.”

* * *

Levi had seen Stohess in brief snatches, during his childhood. It was the easiest staircase to break through, always manned by guards too drunk to stumble after a speedy - and tiny - seven year old. Especially a seven year old with a well-honed knife. The rare times Levi had managed to sneak into the city had been memorable only because everything had been so bright and clean, so different from the darkness of the underground, and Levi will always remember those brief snatches in time, before he was always dragged inevitably back below ground. He doesn’t recall those instances positively, though. No, he always hated Stohess for everything it represented. A beautiful, thriving life above ground that he was never going to be allowed to live.

He hates Stohess even more now that he can see it clearly.

The people up here have no idea what’s happening below their feet. They know - they _must_ do - about the city below them, but for all they seem to care about it, it might as well be on another continent. Above ground are the rich, the well-to-do, the privileged and the fed. Below them, on the other side of the coin, are the starving, the sickly, the dirty and the poor. Levi would never count himself as one of the upper side, even if he has managed to do the impossible and stepped out from the shadows to walk among them. No, Levi might live above ground - for now - but he will always be of the underground at heart.

Still doesn’t mean he has to like them.

Stohess is a very rich district, even though it’s one of the outlying settlements that jut out from Sina like a boil. Compared to what Levi’s seen of Rose, the city itself might as well be a palace. Clean streets, neat, rich architecture, well-dressed civilians. The people here have never struggled once in their lives. Not the way Levi has. Not the way Eren and his friends have.

Levi’s never seen what the villages of Maria are like, but from what he’s managed to glean from Eren and the others, life there was probably the closest to the underground out of all of them. Rose is about as much as Levi can stomach; the happy medium between the rich and the poor above ground, and he’s content enough to stay there, which feels awful to admit, but the longer he’s up here, no matter how out of place he may feel, he knows he’ll do anything to prevent himself being banished back below ground.

“See that large grey building?” Sairam asks once they pass through the gate. He’s pointing up and over the first row of buildings and Levi has to crane his head back to catch a glimpse of the structure Sairam is pointing at. “That’s the hospital. Did you want to head straight there?”

“Yeah,” Farlan says at the same time Levi nods. He’s strung tighter than a bow string, practically vibrating in his horse’s saddle. Levi doesn’t blame him, can’t, not when it’s Farlan’s enthusiasm that he’s using to further his own ends. He doesn’t feel bad about it, has decided actively not to in the same vein that he’s not even sure he can, because at least Farlan’s getting something out of Levi’s treachery.

“Alright,” Sairam says peaceably. “Let’s go.”

They’re regarded with a sort of polite curiosity by whomever they pass as they guide their horses through the wide streets. Bearing the signature green cloaks of the survey corps nets them a lot of interest, which Levi doesn’t really get until he remembers that the scouts very rarely have reason to come this far into the interior. Makes sense for a group whose entire livelihood is based on going _outside_ the walls. These people have likely never seen a scout in their lives, which makes Levi’s lip curl unconsciously. Not out of any sort of loyalty to the corps - god, no - but because the people in here are so disconnected from the grim reality of life it isn’t funny. So much death below and around them, but they never see any of it, blessed as they are to live these blinkered, ignorant existences.

Levi hates them all on principle.

They tie their horses up on a vacant hitch post outside the hospital and though Levi’s never seen one in his life, he has to admit that this building screams hospital. It’s drab and grey on the outside, larger than any building Levi has ever seen, larger than any of the buildings surrounding it, and in probably the worst condition out of all of them. The stonework of the building itself is chipped and cracked, weathered from rainfall and age. Sairam and Callum lead inside, with Levi and the others close behind, and inside isn’t much better. The halls are all the same drab grey, and the main area just inside the door is full of people who look either tired and haggard, or worried and haggard.

Levi decides then that he really doesn’t like hospitals.

“Excuse me?” Sairam says to a brown-haired girl sitting at a long desk by the far wall. “Hi, we’re looking to visit a patient here?”

“Oh, of course,” the girl says in a weary monotone. “Name?”

“Jan,” Farlan supplies at once, rocking anxiously from foot to foot.

A beat passes and the tired girl looks up at him, one eyebrow twitching. “Is that a first name or a last name?”

“...First,” Farlan says, ears reddening. “No last name.”

“That’s helpful,” the girl says and Levi has to turn a snort into a cough. “No registered last name? Fine, give me a second.” She moves away from the desk through a small wooden door just behind it and Levi cannot resist sidling up to Farlan and nudging him with his elbow.

“Does Jan actually not have a last name or do you not know it?” He asks, receiving an elbow to the chest for his troubles. “No, seriously?”

“Shut _up_ ,” Farlan hisses, flushing harder. “It’s not that uncommon. _You_ don’t have a last name.”

Alright, fair point. “Still, though. Kind of embarrassing. Or is he meant to take your last name?”

“I am going to kill you,” Farlan says through his teeth. “And I’m going to make it hurt.”

“Make it count,” Levi says, clapping him on the shoulder. “One hit or I’ll kick your ass, you know the drill.”

The tired girl comes back through with a piece of parchment in her hands before Farlan can retaliate and do something stupid like lash out and end up in the hospital himself, handing it over to them with no other comment than “ward eight.”

“I know where that is,” Sairam says, pointing to a sign on the wall. “Follow me, you three.”

“I’ll wait here,” Callum says, folding his arms. “Hospitals give me the creeps.”

They follow Sairam through the listless grey halls and up a flight of stairs until they reach a section of the hospital with the sign identifying ward eight. There doesn’t seem to be much rhyme or reason to the layout, but Levi’s not exactly here to case the joint, so he’s perfectly happy to follow Sairam to their destination, only noting the location of the restrooms as they pass it, for his own reasons. Every step they take winds Farlan tighter and tighter until they reach the door identified by the piece of parchment he’s holding in a vice grip.

“You go in,” Levi says once they reach it. “This was for you mainly anyway.”

Farlan doesn’t say anything, just throws Levi a look of intense gratitude and slips inside. Levi grabs Isabel by the scruff of the neck before she can follow.

“No fair!” She protests, wriggling like an eel and craning her arms back to try and scratch at his hand. “I want to see Jan, too!”

“Give them a minute,” Levi says, staring her down. “You’re not going to want to go in there right now. They haven’t seen each other in months.”

Isabel quietens down at that, which is a mercy. Levi’s never been close with Jan, not like Farlan is, and Isabel to some extent, but that’s because she befriends literally everyone she meets. No, this time is for Farlan, so Levi, Sairam, and Isabel wait outside while the two of them have a private moment away from prying eyes.

“Are they…” Sairam hesitates when Levi glances at him. “Sorry, I know this is probably incredibly intrusive, but I’m curious…”

“They’ve known each other for years,” Levi says by way of explanation. It’s more than Sairam deserves - but Levi’s of the opinion that nobody needs to know anything unless ignorance will get them killed - but he’s been immensely cooperative and hasn’t infringed on their apparent errand in the interior since he agreed to escort them. He’s been more than amenable the entire time so Levi’s feeling a little generous. “They care for each other so…” He shrugs. “Consider it our way of celebrating the solstice if that makes sense to you. You said it was a time for family.”

“It’s nice of you,” Sairam says. “I’ve been wondering when we’d get to meet you properly. We were told three new recruits would be joining, but none of us have so much as seen you since the information came down.”

“Really?” Isabel asks, leaning round Levi. “What were you told?”

“Not much,” Sairam admits. “Literally-- Section commander Erwin said Flagon would be getting three new squad members, but that they had to have some training before joining us. Then everything went down with the commander, and it’s been weird ever since.”

This isn’t information Levi’s been privy to, but he’s not going to clue Sairam in. “Yeah, we were expecting to join your ranks a lot sooner,” Levi comments, examining his nails. “But then Shadis decided he wanted to spend his golden years babysitting brats and left the scouts without a commander.”

“Which you can’t really blame him for,” Sairam says. “Not a lot of scouts _get_ golden years. Fair play to him for bowing out before the option was taken away from him.”

And he couldn’t have chosen a better time, it seems. With the future of the scouts in such a tenuous position, Shadis made the right choice to vacate his position so he wouldn’t be responsible for the fallout. Whoever steps into Shadis’ shoes is going to have a hell of a time of it, that is, if Lovoff doesn’t get his way and ends up abolishing the scouts like he wants.

“Alright, whatever,” Levi says, nudging Isabel towards Sairam. “Can you watch her? I gotta take a shit.”

“Uh, sure,” Sairam says, wrinkling his nose. “I think we passed the rest--”

“I’ll find it,” Levi says, waving him off. “Don’t wait up, it’s gonna be a doozie.”

“Gross!” Isabel calls after him. He flips her off and heads back down the hall in the direction of the restrooms, which are surprisingly empty when taking into account how busy the hospital is by nature of what they do here. Still, Levi opens all the stall doors to check the latrines are, in fact, unoccupied, then leans against the far wall and waits.

He doesn’t have to wait long. Barely five minutes later, two men walk in and as the door swings closed, Levi counts another two standing outside, preventing anyone else from coming in.

“Levi,” one of the men says, a stockily built man with an unfortunate side parting that doesn’t cover his bald spot well enough. “Imagine our surprise when we saw you three walk in. We were expecting to have to make the journey out to Rose to have ourselves a conversation.”

“Figured I’d make it easy on you,” Levi drawls, folding his arms. “That, and make sure you upheld your end of the deal.”

“Better than you have, it seems.”

“Yeah, about that,” Levi says, glancing between stocky-and-balding and short-and-thick. “Deal’s pretty moot now. Smith knows what we’re after, and with the freeze in place, there’s no chance we can get close to him.”

“That seems like your issue. Not ours.”

“It’s your issue because you’ve put an obstacle in our way that I can’t feasibly overcome. Making any sort of move against Erwin is going to put me and my group right in the firing line.”

“You knew the risks when you signed on.”

“Kidnapping one of our friends to force our hand is duress, not the makings of a fair contractual agreement.”

Stocky-and-balding gives him an assessing once over. “So what do you propose?”

Levi inclines his head. “It’s a little long-winded so pay attention. Let me know if I lose you at any point, okay?”

“We’re listening.”

Levi nods. “Alright… Go _fuck_ yourselves.”

There is an uncomfortably long pause and Levi positively _revels_ in it. Stocky and thick share a long look before they turn back to Levi, brows pinched in amusingly identical expressions of confusion.

“Have I lost you?” Levi asks, a mocking edge creeping into his tone. “Understandable, it was a bit of a complicated suggestion.” He pushes off of the wall and the men tense predictably, though Levi makes no move to injure them. Yet. “That’s the offer, and I’m not open to negotiations. Lovoff can do what he wants; he’s already draining the corps for everything it’s worth, and if Erwin wants to try and stop him, that’s his problem. But me and my lot? Count us out.”

“You think you can walk away from this?” Stocky asks, hand twitching toward his belt. “You’re implicated. Any fallout from this will land squarely on your head. You stand just as much to lose if Lovoff gets pinned for embezzlement.”

“I don’t think I do, though,” Levi counters. “See, that’s the thing. I got what _I_ wanted. I live above ground, my friend got first class medical treatment. Whatever happens now is your problem. That should teach your boss not to try and force people’s hands when he doesn’t hold all the cards.”

“You’re putting your friend at risk,” stocky fires back. “The minute you leave this hospital--”

“If threatening Jan is your only gambit here, you’ve already lost,” Levi says. “You won’t do anything to him.”

“You’re sure?”

“Fuck around,” Levi says darkly, “and find out. Because I guarantee you, if anything happens to him, there’s nowhere inside or out of the walls you can hide that I won’t find you. And I’ll rain shit and fury down on you until you’re drowning in it. _That,_ gentlemen, is my offer. You will not get a better one.” He glances pointedly at stocky’s hand that’s strayed closer to his belt where he’s no doubt concealing a blade of some description. “By all means, make a move. You’re already in a hospital, you’ve done most of my job for me.”

“You think you’re untouchable,” stocky says quietly. “But you’re not.”

“Try me,” Levi challenges. “I am literally begging you to try me. You have no idea how badly I’m itching for a fight.”

“You’ll regret this,” stocky promises. “Lovoff doesn’t take kindly to people who renege on deals.”

Levi’s mouth twitches into the barest hint of a smile. “Gentlemen, you have no _idea_ the amount of pleasure it brings me to tell you that I could not give less of a shit. You made this mess, you can fucking fix it. I’m not Lovoff’s errand boy. Get someone else to do your dirty work. Me and my companions are done.”

He shoves past both of them and leaves the restroom without a backwards glance. He half expects the two louts standing watch to stop him, but wisely they don’t make any attempt to impede him, so he makes it back to Sairam and Isabel unmolested. He’s vividly aware of the fact that he’s basically invited Lovoff’s men to attempt something drastic to curb them, but Levi’s more than confident in his ability to cut them off at the pass, but he knows neither Farlan nor Isabel are going to be particularly favourable towards the fact that Levi’s acted without consulting them.

It doesn’t matter. The longer they play this game where they’re the only pawns on the board who don’t know the rules, the less likely they are to succeed. Better to wash their hands of the whole affair and see what happens next. If it comes to it, Levi knows they can overcome whatever comes after them, be it MPs or Lovoff or, hell, even the scouts themselves.

Levi can keep them safe. He has no doubt about that.

Farlan’s waiting for him two when he gets back and though his eyes are red, the smile he gives Levi is blinding, and he lets that soothe his frayed nerves somewhat.

“Thanks for this,” Farlan murmurs as they turn to leave. “It was good to see him.”

“Don’t mention it,” Levi murmurs, nudging his arm. “Come on, let’s go. I’ve had enough of hospitals to last a lifetime.”

“How was the restroom?” Isabel asks with a playful grin. “You were gone a while.”

“It was full of shit, Isabel, what did you expect? Couple of turds that just wouldn’t get the message and flush away.”

“You are _so_ gross,” Isabel says affectionately.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UH-OH

The solstice celebrations are relatively lackluster, being that none of them have the funds required to plan any kind of party, but that doesn’t really matter. The general mood throughout the compound is an energetic one that only intensifies the closer the actual day gets, and though they won’t have a feast by any stretch of the imagination, Nairi managed to pull some strings with Shadis to let them have extra rations and even promised to have some warm cider prepared for them. It cements her position as their favourite instructor, which wasn’t difficult because her only competition is Callum and he _sucks._ Regardless, though, Eren finds himself looking forward to the solstice more than he had been a few weeks ago.

They don’t have any way of acquiring gifts to give, which is a shame, but they have no use for things like treats and toys now, not as burgeoning soldiers, not at that strange age where they aren’t quite children and aren’t quite adults. It doesn’t really matter, they’re all just too happy to be observing the holiday at all, and after all the work they’ve put in, it feels like a wonderful way to finish off the year.

Decorating the compound is out of the question, by order of Shadis, but even he can’t protest them lighting a few extra candles in the windows and in the mess hall, though he definitely grumbles about it, but doesn’t make any move to actually stop them. It gives the whole compound a warmer feel that helps to stay the cold from the snow outside and the shadows of the longer nights.

The actual night of the solstice is going to be spent around a giant campfire that they’ve spent days preparing. They’ve gathered as much dry wood as they can; a task made easier by the fact that there hasn’t been a fresh snowfall since they got back, and they’ve kept the pile of kindling dry with a large tarpaulin over it. The cider is ready to be warmed, food prepared to be cooked the morning of, and Nairi has promised to provide some music, which is going to help round off the celebrations nicely. All of them are looking forward to it, even Annie and Ymir aren’t immune to the spirit of the festivities.

Eren’s in such a buoyant mood about the whole thing that he doesn’t even mind much when Mikasa seeks him out the night before, sitting down quietly beside him while she organises her thoughts and tries to give voice to whatever is on her mind. He already has a pretty good idea what it is she wants to talk about - it’s been on his mind, too. And as much as he really doesn't want to think about it, he won’t begrudge her the comfort of sharing her pain with him if it’ll help.

“Do you remember the first solstice I spent with your family?” She asks after a good twenty minutes of silence. Eren nods once to show he’s listening and Mikasa pauses for another minute or so before continuing. “You celebrated differently to how my parents did.”

“Yeah, I know,” Eren says, though he hadn’t really known for certain until that moment. Everyone has different traditions for the festivities, it seems, because Eren’s parents celebrated differently to Armin’s, so Mikasa’s family would have been no different. Or very different, as it stands. Differently different. If that makes any sense at all… Anyway, Armin’s parents, for example, used to make spiced biscuits and tell stories until the early hours of the morning, wrapped in blankets and furs with cups of preciously rare hot cocoa. Eren’s family used to exchange gifts and he’d be allowed to play in the snow for as long as he wanted. His mom would bake rye bread that they’d eat with spiced mulberry jam.

“Your parents bought me a pair of boots and a coat,” Mikasa says, eyes far away. “To go with my scarf.”

“Yeah, ‘cause you were always cold,” Eren says, throwing her a grin a moment too late because he’s having trouble differentiating between what is here and now and what is no longer anything more than memory. “Like, scarily cold. Your hands were like ice all of the time. Mom used to say it was because--”

“There was no meat on my bones,” Mikasa finishes with a small smile. “I remember.”

“How did you guys used to celebrate?” Eren asks, though he wrestles with himself for a good minute about whether or not to voice the question. When Mikasa gets like this, all quiet and introspective, the conversation can easily go one of two ways. Either she’ll say what’s actually on her mind, or she’ll get even quieter and withdraw and Eren won’t be able to get a word out of her for days.

Now, though, she seems to want to speak, which is a relief. “My dad would cook something. Usually a duck or a chicken. My mom would sing. We had a… blanket. We’d sew a new square onto it every year. I never knew what happened to it after…”

“Sounds nice,” Eren says, a little awkwardly. “The cooking and the singing, I mean. You could… start a new blanket?”

Mikasa nods but Eren knows her well enough to know that she won’t do that. She’s got a weird sort of complex about her family which makes a strange sort of sense to Eren, at the same time it confuses the hell out of him. She’s always so hesitant to recall anything about them, at least out loud, like she wants to keep the memories private. Like she’s contented herself with the fact that she’s the last member of her family. It’s kind of sad, but Eren gets it. They’re the last of the Jaegers and the Ackermans together. The last of the Arlerts, too, though Armin never acts like it.

“I reckon we should make some new traditions,” Eren says suddenly and Mikasa looks up at him in quiet surprise. “You, me, and Armin. No matter what happens, or where we go, we spend the solstice together and we do… I don’t know yet, I haven’t thought that far ahead. But we should meet up and do something every year. That is, if we aren’t living in our weird seaside house with its many floors.” He grins at her and is rewarded with a small, genuine smile. “That’s more like it, ‘kasa. Don’t be sad. You’re spending the holidays with _me._ What more could you want?”

She laughs which Eren would be insulted about if he weren’t so pleased to hear it, and the sound of her laughter draws the attention of the others in the room, mainly Armin and Jean and Marco, and they come over to sit with them and reminisce about the weird and wonderful traditions their families used to practice during their own solstice celebrations.

It’s a lovely way to ring in the solstice, all told, and though part of Eren would love nothing more than to be spending it in his home with his family intact, spending it with his friends is the next best thing.

* * *

Nairi is a woman of many talents, and that’s not even an exaggeration. Aside from being an adept instructor in her own right, she’s also able to wrangle the 104th single-handedly, and as well as that she can play the tin whistle like nobody’s business. Eren’s never been the most musically minded of people, but even he has to admit that the woman has skills, when she manages to coax a hauntingly beautiful melody out of a metal rod with holes in it.

“Okay, that’s nice and all,” Connie says, wrinkling his nose. “But that was depressing as hell, Nairi.”

“Right, right,” Nairi says indulgently. “Okay, how about this one?” She raises the fluted instrument to her lips and trills a more upbeat melody that has Connie and Sasha - already four cups of mulled cider deep - launching into a clumsy but enthusiastic jig that has the rest of them clapping and cheering along.

“Play “March of the Warriors”!” Jean calls, banging his hands on one of the logs they’ve dragged over to perch on to keep their backsides out of the snow. “That one’s a classic!”

“Hell, no!” Thomas yells, lurching forward and dislodging a dozing Mina from his shoulder. “Play “Call of the Victorious”! That’s a proper solstice song!”

“You’re both wrong,” Armin says, cheeks warmed by both the fire and cider, rendering him a lot louder and a lot less reserved than usual. “The best solstice song is - hands down - “Heart of the Dawn”.”

“Ooh, sorry fellas,” Nairi says, pointing the whistle at Armin. “But Arlert’s right. “Heart of the Dawn” is the best solstice song. “March of the Warriors”, the hell is wrong with you, Kirstein? That suggestion was bad and you should feel bad.”

“Booo!” Eren calls at him, laughing when the rest of the cadets chime in. “Play it, Nairi!”

She does, to the raucous applause of everyone assembled, and Sasha executes a very peculiar, very exuberant dance move that would have sent her careening into the fire if Christa hadn’t shrieked and dived for her at the last minute. They topple to the ground in a heap of shrieks and flailing limbs and the rest of them are laughing too hard to be of any help.

The night continues on in much the same way, with music and laughter and okay food and the cider that none of them should really be drinking, but solstice exists in a separate time to the rest of the world, so they’re permitted to have this when they otherwise would not be. Everything gets sort of blurry from that point on, fuzzy and warm around the edges, softened by the light of the fire and the company of friends.

Honestly, it’s one of the best solstices Eren’s ever had, and that fact only becomes more true when three figures emerge from the shadows of the compound to join them, helping themselves to cups of mulled cider from the pot by the fire.

“What’s up, kiddos!” Isabel crows. “Did you miss us?”

“Isabel!” Eren calls, nearly falling backwards off his log. “Where’ve you guys been?!”

“Oh, on a super important scout mission, obviously,” Isabel says, plopping down on the log beside him. “Nah, we had to go do some stuff in the interior. Nothing too fun, but I’m glad we made it back in time.”

“So am I! Is this your first solstice?” Eren asks, blinking around the blurriness in his vision. Isabel nods enthusiastically.

“Sure is! Never had anything like this where we’re from.”

Farlan settles down beside Mikasa and is drawn at once into an impassioned conversation by Jean who has somehow gotten both more insufferable and more bearable with the introduction of alcohol. Levi perches himself down on the log beside Nairi, and though he doesn’t smile, he does give their talented instructor a nod of greeting. _Only_ Nairi, though, which is fine, it’s not like he and Eren are friends. Eren likes the idiots Levi hangs out with. Levi tolerates Eren’s existence because Isabel will give him shit if he doesn’t. It’s an arrangement that works fine for basically all involved.

“I thought maybe you guys had gone to join the scouts for real,” Eren says, passing along a bowl of fruit and nuts when it’s thrust into his hands by a flushed and beaming Marco. Isabel takes a few hazelnuts and cranberries before passing it along to Farlan.

“Nah, not yet,” Isabel says. “Though I don’t know how much longer they plan to keep us here. But that’s a problem for the new year. What the hell is this stuff, by the way?” She sloshes her cup at him. “It tastes like hot piss.”

“I don’t want to know how you know that,” Eren says mildly. “It’s cider. It’s warmed and spiced with… spices.”

“Spiced with spices,” Isabel repeats, grinning. “Is that the scientific description?”

“Sure is. I’ll drink yours if you don’t want it.”

“No, I think I’ll keep drinking it. Maybe it’ll taste better after a few more cups. Also, your eyes look real unfocused, champ. How many cups have you had?”

Eren considers the question for a long moment. “So many,” he says happily.

“Nairi,” Isabel says with mock solemnity. “Have you gotten these poor kids wasted?”

“I’m technically off duty, so the poor decisions they make are not my responsibility,” Nairi says imperiously. “Also I’ve had like six cups myself, so any poor decisions _I_ make are also not my responsibility.”

“Alright, but if anyone throws up, I’m dunking them in the snow to sober them up.”

“Good plan,” Nairi agrees with a nod, then raises the whistle to her lips again. Her next song isn’t executed with the same level of skill as the previous ones had been, but that might be due to the aforementioned six cups of cider. Regardless, everyone’s too tipsy to care much about the declining standard of her musical prowess.

The night begins to taper off a few hours after midnight, with people staggering off in twos or threes back to the barracks, and with the way everyone is weaving as they walk, Eren thinks it’s rather safe to assume that they’re all going to be waking up in very strange places come morning. Dunking himself in the snow doesn’t seem like that bad of an idea, actually, because he tries to stand a little while later and finds that his legs are very averse to cooperating.

The cold does actually help to sober him up a bit, and it’s not long after that when the last people around the fire are Levi, Isabel, and Farlan, Eren and Mikasa, and Armin who is dozing with his back against the log, completely unbothered by the cold snow under his ass. Nairi bids them a good night and staggers off back to her quarters, leaving her whistle with Farlan who promises to return it to her in the morning. He’s not actually that bad at playing himself, but Isabel’s vocal accompaniment leaves a lot to be desired.

“I don’t have any money,” Mikasa says, leaning round Eren to put her hand on Isabel’s knee. “But the moment I do, I will give you all of it if you will please stop singing.”

That sends Eren creasing up with laughter and he squawks when an affronted Isabel shoves him backwards off the log. That doesn’t curb him in the slightest, though, and he continues to laugh from the ground until Mikasa and Isabel join in.

“You guys going to stay out much longer?” Eren asks when Mikasa stops laughing long enough to help haul him back upright.

“Yeah, a bit,” Isabel says, stretching. “No use wasting a good fire. Better finish off the food, too. Waste not, and all that.”

“Alright,” Eren hums, getting unsteadily to his feet. “I’m going to go to the bathroom. I’ll be back. And _please_ , Isabel, no more singing.”

“Rude,” Isabel sniffs primly and Farlan snickers.

The trek to the latrines is a lot less steady than Eren ever remembers it being, but he makes it without too much difficulty, though it takes a few false starts for him to actually get his belt unbuckled so he can go about his business. Once he’s done and he’s washed his hands, he steps back outside and takes a few deep breaths to steady his spinning head, deciding to make a detour to the kitchens for some water.

It’s halfway back from the mess hall that he hears it, a soft, rustling sound from the edges of the trees, coming from between the men’s barracks and the latrines. He pauses to listen, expecting some sort of animal like a badger or a deer, or maybe a bird of some kind, but when he hears a muttered curse he laughs quietly to himself and picks his way closer.

“Reiner, is that you?” He calls out, leaning a hand against the wall of the barrack building as he squints through the dark. “Did you get lost on your way to bed or something?”

The rustling stops. Eren steps closer. Most likely an animal, then, spooked away when Eren got too close, but he wants to make sure it’s not one of his classmates passed out in a hedge from too much cider. “Jean, maybe? Come on, whoever that is, you can’t sleep out here.” He laughs softly to himself. “Marco? Come on, who is it?”

He steps closer, reaching a hand out to push back some of the deciduous foliage for whatever good it will do. This far away from the campfire, the only light is from the scant candles burning down in the windows and the patchy moonlight peeking through the clouds. Still, Eren presses forwards, intent on finding whoever it is that has stumbled drunkenly into the woods instead of into the barracks, expecting either Jean half passed out under the bushes, or a rather startled badger. Either possibility is amusing.

“Eren?”

He turns, slower than he intends, but he’s still feeling sluggish from a mixture of food, firelight, and good company, so turning too fast threatens to make his head spin. Isabel’s standing a little way away, looking somewhat confused to find him lurking in the dark. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” he says, offering her a small smile, a lopsided, lazy thing. “I thought I heard someone out here. Figured I needed to make sure one of the cadets hadn’t passed out under a bush.”

Isabel cackles and trips lightly to his side, peering through the darkness into the trees. “You kids are so fun. Honestly, the solstice has been the best thing up here. Other than the sunlight, but even sunlight can get boring after a while.”

“It’s too bright and hot,” Eren grumbles. “But I guess that’s because I grew up with it? I bet I’d hate the dark if I came from the underground like you.”

“It’s not all bad,” Isabel hums, batting a stray branch away when their cursory glance into the trees reveals no wildlife or drunken classmates. “But it’s different. I guess everywhere has its ups and downs.”

“Very fossical,” Eren snickers and Isabel slaps at him, laughing. “No, I get it. Or, I think I do. I guess it’s hard to understand something you’ve never seen.”

“Yeah, that’s a good way of putting it.” She tugs on one of her pigtails, looking thoughtful. “You know, I really didn’t know what life would be like up here. I used to dream about it, though. It was real hard for the first few months. Like, you’re just not allowed to kill people if they upset you.”

“Yeah, it’s frowned upon,” Eren says mildly. “Wait, _have_ you?”

She taps her nose with a vibrant grin. “I’ll never tell!”

“No, come on! You can’t say shit like that and not tell the story behind it.”

Isabel laughs lightly, boxing his shoulder. “You know, most people would be a little more concerned if one of their friends strongly hinted at having committed murder.”

Eren thinks of dusty abandoned cottages, of a tiny girl swathed in a scarf far too long for her, and the coppery smell of freshly spilt blood. “Yeah,” he wheezes with a smile that he hopes is steadier than it feels, “well, I’ve never really worked right in the head.”

“Oh, there’s a story _there_ and I want to hear it,” Isabel says with that strange and uncanny perceptiveness she hides behind all her youthful enthusiasm. “But maybe not when you keep listing left, yeah?”

“Do not,” Eren counters, righting himself when he realises she’s right and he has sagged rather heavily to one side. “Anyway, come on, I’m freezing and we’re wasting a good fire.”

“Lead on,” Isabel says, wrapping her arms around one of Eren’s. “If you can keep it in a straight line.”

“ _You’re_ a straight line,” Eren mumbles nonsensically. Isabel just cackles at him.

* * *

The only people who don’t wake up the next morning craving death are those who didn’t drink with irresponsible abandon, and Eren, for some reason. He’s delighted to find, upon waking, that he doesn’t even feel that tired, though he’s probably only gotten about six hours of sleep, and though his mouth feels a little dry, he’s otherwise hale and hearty. Also hungry, but as the kitchen staff have been given a grace day following the solstice celebrations, the only things available are bread and ration bars. Eren’s not picky so he nabs a couple of bars for himself and for both Mikasa and Armin who have yet to wake up.

For the first time, the compound is nearly silent. The bonfire from the night before has burnt down to a blackened pile of ash and charcoal, covered haphazardly with snow that they’d kicked onto it to smother the embers, the vestiges of which haven’t melted away yet due to the low temperature. Not many of the cadets are awake yet, and those that are stay quiet out of respect for their fellow hungover comrades, which is a fragile peace that absolutely will not last, but Eren enjoys the peace and quiet while he can.

Mikasa glares at him when he pokes her awake, squinting up at him through eyes tight with pain, but Eren has a feeling she’ll feel even worse if she doesn’t at least get some water and food in her. He gives her a glass and a bar that she chokes down before rolling over in bed and covering herself with the blanket again. Eren smiles to himself and repeats the process with Armin, who looks incredibly pale - verging on green - when Eren tugs his blanket down.

Satisfied that his friends won’t feel so much like death when they eventually emerge properly, Eren takes himself back to the mess hall to fetch himself something a bit more substantial than protein bars. He manages to make some porridge for himself without burning the kitchen to the ground, and even treats himself to a spoonful of raspberry jam that he stirs into the oats with a soft hum.

He’s halfway through his bowl when someone walks into the mess hall, glances up as the far door clicks shut and straightens in his seat with interest when a scout approaches his table. Because that’s who it is, evident in the wings of freedom emblazoned on their jacket, though they aren’t wearing a cloak. Eren lowers his spoon and is halfway to his feet to offer a salute when the scout waves him down with a smile.

“At ease, cadet,” the scout says with an easy smile. He’s older, which is unusual for a scout, but Eren assumes that must be testament to his skill. Older scouts are always more skillful by definition, not just due to experience, but because that means they’ve survived longer than ninety percent of their compatriots.

“Can I help you, sir?” Eren asks politely, more out of respect for the scout’s regiment than his evident superiority. He’s hardly going to be insubordinate to someone that may likely turn out to be one of Eren’s future commanding officers. That is, _if_ this scout is skilled enough to survive the next two years’ worth of expeditions. “Are you looking for Commandant Shadis?”

“No, I’ve already seen him this morning,” the scout says easily. He’s got hard blue eyes and a mop of messy brown hair that’s thinning a little at the parting. He doesn’t really fit Eren’s definition of “scout”, but it takes all sorts, he supposes. “I’m here to see the three scouting cadets, would you happen to know which barracks are theirs?”

“Oh, um,” Eren says, wracking his brains like thinking hard will change the fact that he’s actually clueless about where Isabel and the others bunk. “I’m not actually sure. I think they bunk near the officers’ quarters. I don’t actually know where they sleep.” He smiles apologetically. “I can show you the way, though? That’s the most likely place for them to stay, they don’t bunk with the rest of us.”

“Kind of you,” the scout says mildly. “If you don’t mind? I’d hate to interrupt your breakfast.”

“It’s fine, I’m done,” Eren says quickly, dropping his spoon into the nearly-empty bowl and brushing his hands off. “Let me clear this away and I’ll be with you.” He dashes into the kitchen to toss the bowl into one of the sinks, resolving that he’ll come back to clean it properly later, and hurries back out to where the scout is waiting. “Come on, this way.”

He leads the scout out of the mess, towards the distant huts that house the instructors during the term. He’s not actually sure who - if any - among the instructors have stayed behind during the festive season, since he’s only seen Nairi and Callum around and the vague, disapproving shadow of Shadis that looms whenever anyone laughs too loud, but even if Isabel and the others aren’t bunking there, there’ll be someone they can ask. As long as Nairi’s not too hungover to help.

“I expected the training grounds to be busier,” the scout says conversationally as they trudge through the snow that has half-melted into a brown slurry since the last snowfall. “I heard we had a lot of promising new recruits this year.”

“I think everyone’s sleeping off the solstice celebrations,” Eren says with a faint smile. “Normally it’s so loud you can’t hear yourself think.”

The scout laughs pleasantly. “So everyone’s hungover or unconscious?”

Eren grins. “Pretty much. This is the most privacy I’ve had all year.”

“And which regiment are you hoping to join when you graduate?”

Eren tries to keep the eagerness out of his voice. “The scouts, sir.”

The scout hums. “Good. Not a lot of recruits tend to join our ranks. I hope you don’t change your mind.”

“I won’t, sir.” Eren glances at him. “Are you a section commander?”

“Not me,” the scout says. “Just a lowly ranking officer. Never been one for leadership.”

“Who’s your commander then?” Eren asks curiously, thinking of the names he’s had memorised since he was a kid. There have been many over the years - the survey corps has a high turn-around for obvious reasons - but Eren’s always made it his business to know who’s actively captaining the squads while holding out the hope he’ll join their ranks one day. There’s Zoe and Zacharias and Flagon, of course. Young but skilled, and Eren hopes they live long enough for him to serve under them. But then there’s Ness and Baer-Varbrun, long-serving and accomplished, and Smith who’s been vying for Commander since he enlisted. Eren knows them all, would give his right arm to serve with them, and he can still hardly believe he’ll be able to in just a few short years.

“Flavian,” the scout says, brushing snow from his sleeves.

Eren pauses. “...Right,” he says, glancing away. That’s not a name he recognises, not a last name, anyway, though it could be a first name, but when has the military ever prioritised first names? There hasn’t been an expedition for months, not if what Isabel said about the freeze is true, so they can’t have lost anyone recently, unless maybe they lost someone to sickness? But why recruit new section commanders if there’s a freeze?

Something hard and uncomfortable lodges in Eren’s chest and for possibly the first time in his life, he feels like he knows more than he’s supposed to.

He has a hunch. A gut feeling. Something’s off.

He glances back at the scout, walking in step with Eren with an air of tacit calmness that doesn’t fit a soldier. Eren’s never been perceptive, too headstrong and impulsive to ruminate on deeper meanings and ulterior motives, but his senses have always been sharp. And something really doesn’t sit right with him. A veteran scout-- Eren’s seen them, every month since he was old enough to remember, riding out from Shiganshina’s gate and he knows their expressions like he knows nothing else. The wide-eyed excitement of the newest, the grim, tense bearing of the experienced. He knows what veteran soldiers look like and whatever this man is, he doesn’t have the depth to his gaze that all of the scout veterans possess.

But what is Eren meant to do about it?

If he’s wrong and he acts, he can kiss his future as a scout goodbye.

If he’s right and he _doesn’t_ act… Something very bad might be about to happen to the three people he’s managed to befriend.

He can’t think of any way to confirm his suspicions, though. He’s not a skilled manipulator like Armin, can’t come up with brilliant plans on the fly like a strategist. He’s the brute strength of their group, not the tactical mind, that’s never been his forte. But right now every sense is kicking into high alert and he knows he needs to do something before they reach the officers’ quarters.

This man - whoever he is - is not a scout. Eren’s never been more certain of anything in his life.

But if that’s the case, then what the hell is he doing here?

Time. He needs time. He needs _help_ , from someone who’ll know exactly what to do with a… whatever the hell this man is meant to be. A spy? Infiltrator? _Assassin?_ There’s no way for him to act alone, never mind that he’s just a teenager. He’s strong, yes, and this man might not be a soldier, but he has age and experience on his side, has to, especially if he’s been sent after the underground trio alone. But Eren has to do _something_ or--

“Moritz!” A voice calls, sudden enough to make Eren trip. The fake scout and Eren turn as one and Eren narrows his eyes before he can stop himself as another uniformed officer approaches them. This one, though, wears the badge of an instructor.

Eren’s never seen this man before in his life.

“You’re here early,” the newcomer comments easily. “Seen the Commandant already?”

“Mm, and he didn’t thank me for it,” the not-scout says with a laugh, clasping hands with the newcomer. “Hungover from the festivities. This upstanding cadet here was showing me to the officers’ quarters.”

Wrong, wrong _wrong._ Shadis wasn’t _at_ the festivities. He didn’t celebrate with them, he didn’t even _want_ them to celebrate. Eren bites down on the explosive cry of _liar!_ that wants to rip out of him. He fights to stop his face from scowling, clenches his fists as these pretenders converse like old friends. He can’t lead them to the officers’ quarters, can’t let them get anywhere _near_ Isabel and the others. But his uncertainty stops him from acting, still. That nagging feeling that he’s wrong, that acting out will end his military career before it even starts.

Is he willing to risk Isabel’s life for the chance to kill a titan? Farlan’s? Even moody, antisocial Levi’s?

“Of-- Yes, sir,” Eren says abruptly, thumping his fist to his chest in a salute so abrupt he nearly gives himself whiplash. “Now-- Now that you’re here, sir, perhaps you could show Officer… Moritz? To the officers’ quarters. You’ll know where the scouting cadets are bunked, right sir? I have chores I really need to get to.” He stretches a false smile across his face. “Especially with Commandant Shadis in such a bad mood this morning.” It’s a reach-- It’s _such_ a reach, but it’s all Eren has and he has to take the chance.

“Of course I can,” the newcomer says easily, reaching out to ruffle Eren’s hair. Eren’s body thrums with the urge to snap every finger on the hand tangling roughly in his hair. “Thank you for your assistance, cadet.”

Eren nods and sprints away. He ducks down past the equipment building the moment he’s put enough distance between himself and the pretenders, then peers carefully round the wall to watch them. They’re talking quietly among themselves, looking innocent enough to an outside eye, but the fact that they don’t know which building is the officer’s quarters is a dead giveaway. It’s not difficult to determine if you know anything about the compound’s layout, it’s the fucking brick building barely ten meters away from them, but Eren’s counting on their ignorance giving him the time he needs to get a message to _someone._

Eren slips back round the wall, slamming his head back against it with a grunt of frustration. He needs Nairi or Callum. Maybe even Shadis himself? But Eren would have to get past those two liars to get to them. He could go for his fellow cadets, but they’re all either asleep or hungover, so there’s not much help to be had there. He could try to take both of them, but he’s unarmed and they’ll definitely have some kind of weaponry on them. He’s irascible and bloody-minded, but he’s not _stupid._ He never usually thinks twice about starting a fight he can’t win, but the risk here is too great. He doesn’t know what to _do_.

Mikasa. He needs Mikasa. It doesn’t matter that she’s tired and cider-sick, she’ll help the minute he asks her to.

Decided, Eren pushes away from the wall, ready to make a run for it back to their barracks.

A blade against his throat stops him.

“Don’t. Move,” Moritz hisses, slamming Eren’s back against the wall of the equipment building with enough force to rattle his bones and force the air from his lungs. Eren wheezes, instinct shrieking at him to fall still, even as the blood in his body burns to react.

“Keep quiet,” Moritz hisses, pressing the blade harder against Eren’s skin. “And I won’t split you open from neck to navel.”

Somewhat hysterically, Eren thinks it’s rather strange that he’s been threatened by a knife to the throat twice since he enlisted. He really hopes this doesn’t become a common occurrence.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UH-OH 2 (EXTENDED REMIX)
> 
> i couldn't leave ya'll on that cliffhanger for too long, now, could i? (i have no self control and posting schedules are for people who are not me)

Winter is a shit season. Levi’s got no fucking patience for it at all. Isabel loves it because of course she does, little shit is wired to thrive on things that all decent people hate, but even her doe-eyed rapture over the white shit everywhere isn’t enough to warm Levi towards the season in any way. Sure, everything looks nice when it first lands, all pristine and picturesque or whatever, but after a while it turns into muddy, shit-coloured slush and it soaks everything and leaves an uncomfortable chill in Levi’s bones that won’t ease no matter how close he sits to a fire. All that, couple with the fact that Levi’s fucking nose won’t stop fucking running, and winter rockets right up to the top of Levi’s list of most hated things in the world.

Along with summer. Summer fucking sucks. It’s too hot, too humid. There’s bugs everywhere and Levi’s ears always burn because he’s so fucking pale the sun just roasts him if he stands out in it for too long. He can’t fucking win, everything above ground was created to annoy him specifically. He really should just cut his losses and slink back below ground where he at least knows where he stands. People up here are so fucking weird, too. Not that Levi spends much time interacting with anyone other than Farlan, Isabel, and the select few instructors that actually bother to attempt to train them, but everyone else he’s encountered up here has been fucking weird in a way he just can’t get his head around. They all say one thing and mean another and Levi’s got no fucking time for it.

Also, it’s been three days since they got back from Stohess, and Levi’s been looking over his shoulder since they left Jan at the hospital. He’s careful about it, makes sure that Farlan and Isabel don’t know Levi’s watching out for anything insidious, not when Isabel’s so excited about their first solstice and Farlan’s riding the wave of getting to see Jan for the first time in months. No, Levi keeps their precarious situation close to his chest. He’s the one who got them into this mess, after all. He’s not going to let them know that he’s effectively destroyed their chances of ever living a peaceful life up here.

He doesn’t really know what to do now. But his available options were shit from the start. Lovoff saw to that. Not that Levi ever trusted the bastard for a second, but he’d held out the slim hope that they’d be able to get something out of this deal. But the more he thinks about it, the more he has to admit that there was never a chance they’d succeed. Lovoff set them up to fail from the start.

That’s why Levi’s out here at first light, too highly strung and restless with frustration, while everyone else sleeps off the festivities. The solstice is shit, too, but that’s probably because they didn’t really get to do much other than hear Nairi squeak out reedy tunes on the shittiest instrument to ever be created, interspersed with the grating laughter of drunken brats. All while Levi tried to puzzle out what the fuck they’re meant to do now that he’s withdrawn their side from Lovoff’s crooked deal.

It’s simple really. No documents, no citizenship. No dead section commander Smith, no restful sleep for the rest of his short life. But what does it even matter? Lovoff got what he wanted, the scouts are finished. The freeze will be cemented by official decree any day now, by Levi’s reckoning, and once they no longer have the already-fragile protection of the scouts backing them up, Levi and the others will be walking targets for whichever cronies Lovoff decides to send after them.

Levi’s not concerned about that. They can take down anyone that comes after them. It’s living the rest of their lives looking over their shoulders that he can’t stomach. It was easier in the underground, easier by far. Down there you don’t have laws dictating who you can and can’t sink your knife into. Up here, sticking the wrong person gets you a public execution. 

Seems like criminality will follow them wherever they go. No matter what they try to do to leave that life behind, they’re too badly stained by it to ever leave it behind entirely.

Unsettled by that thought, Levi does what he always does whenever his thoughts get too snarled to be untangled by rational thinking.

He cleans.

But Farlan’s unconscious in their barracks and Isabel’s sprawled out on Levi’s bed, snoring loud enough to wake the dead, and they deserve some rest before Levi confesses that he’s ruined their futures for the sake of his own pride. He can’t clean their barracks, so he takes himself down to the equipment shed at first light and busies himself in there, content to stay put until his mind quiets enough for him to think clearly.

He starts with the tack because that’s the most labour-heavy task he can think of. There are ten saddles in the shed that have all seen better days, but they’re well-cared for at least, so Levi doesn’t feel too disgruntled about polishing shitty gear. He sponges down the tarnished leather, digs dirt and dust out of the crevices with a small brush, oils the straps and buckles until they shine. One by one he cleans, losing himself in the repetitive motions, moves onto the bridles next, untangling, polishing, re-hanging them all once they sparkle.

He washes oil from his hands, scrubs under his nails until they squeak, then moves onto the spare gear. The blades are kept separate for cadet safety, which is fine, though Levi would dearly love to be polishing blades right now. As much as cleaning overall has always soothed his disquiet, there’s always been something different about weapon maintenance that scratches the restless itch better than anything else. Still, though, he makes do with what he has to hand, polishing the scabbards with rags until they sparkle, cleaning out the gaseous oil stains from the canister holsters, buffing out the notches and nicks in the scabbards’ blade docks until they’re good as new.

It’s boring, calming, methodical work, and for a time Levi loses himself to the task, humming with ever deepening satisfaction at every piece of gear he maintains.

Then something thuds against the wall outside and Levi scowls as his concentration is broken.

It’s still early, so there shouldn’t be anyone about. No one that Levi can’t excoriate for disturbing him, anyway. Not that he’d hold back even if it was Shadis pissing about outside, though he’s cantankerous he’s not stupid. Pissing off Shadis would only hasten his inevitable dismissal from the regiment he was never even meant to join. He’s in no hurry to expedite the process, not when the protection of the military is the only thing ensuring Isabel and Farlan’s safety in the meantime.

Levi waits a minute or so for another sound before he attempts to lose himself once again in the process of cleaning, checking the screws for threading and noting which scabbards will need repairing so the cadets who use them won’t end up a red smear on a tree trunk once the new training year commences. No new sounds follow so Levi relaxes and marks down that gear set four - the one with a rust stain on the left side - needs a completely new set of washers on the canister holsters, setting it aside to start on gear set five.

Another thud sounds against the wall, followed by a high gasp of pain, as though someone’s been kneed in the stomach. The sound is identical no matter who makes it; Levi’s winded his fair share of assholes with a solid knee to the gut in his time, and it’s always the same. A choked wheeze, a rippling grunt as the attacked chokes on rising bile. It’s familiar in a dark sort of way and Levi’s blood quickens at the sound of it.

The cadets roughhouse all the time. Levi’s heard them go at it so many times by this point. It’s always violent, teenage hormones and tempers running wild, coupled with the stress of training causing them to rile and snap. It’s always followed by jeers and, to a further extent, good-natured laughter.

That, though, was a blow meant to incapacitate. Levi knows the sound well.

Silently, he slinks to his feet, stepping carefully over the scabbards he hasn’t cleaned yet. Towards the door he creeps soundlessly, edging it open so slowly it doesn’t so much as whisper at the hinges. Another blow lands - thick knuckles against bone, like a cheek or jaw. The crunch of slurry-snow beneath boots, the muted thud of knees hitting wet ground. A pained groan and then--

“You won’t get--” The slurred words are cut off by the unmistakable sound of a nose breaking. Cartilage displacing, snapping, a groan of pain bitten off, kept silent. Levi’s eyes widen a half fraction, because that’s a voice he recognises. Perhaps if it were one of the unnamed cadets, he’d act differently, but he knows that voice now. Isabel dragged that voice into his life whether he wanted it there or not.

_Eren._

“Kill him,” someone says under a grunt of exertion. Eren makes a muffled sound of pain and Levi pictures a boot on the back of his head, crushing his face into the ground. He doesn’t know how he knows. Maybe he’s heard the sound enough to recognise it. Maybe he’s been the one the boot belonged to too many times not to. 

“Not here. Take him into the woods. Cut out his fucking tongue, too. Nosy brat. Who the fuck was he even running to tell?”

“Who fucking cares? Didn’t get far, did he?”

Levi closes his eyes and exhales, long, slow, and silent. He’s never been one for guilt - guilt doesn’t keep you alive - but this is _his_ fault. These men, whoever they are, have been sent by Lovoff. No one else would dare enter Shadis’ compound, threaten his students, not unless they thought themselves untouchable. No one else has cause to, he hardly doubts a group of pubescent teenagers have managed to make the kinds of enemies Levi has.

Eren, for whatever reason, was coming to warn them. Eren, who knows nothing of them except their origins, which would turn lesser people than him away at the start. Eren, who has no cause to want to protect them, no reason to risk his stupid scrawny neck pissing off two hired thugs with nothing but the hope he’d be able to reach someone in time to tell them what’s going on. Eren, who's getting the everloving shit kicked out of him because he can’t not run his mouth for five fucking minutes.

In between one heartbeat and the next, Levi’s faithful knife is unholstered from its sheath within his boot and clutched tightly in his hand, blade towards the ground. There are two of them. Levi can take two without breaking a sweat, but he’ll have a short window in which to act. Depending on how close they are to Eren, he’ll maybe be able to take one down, but the trick will be getting to the other before they can do some permanent damage to the kid. If they’re smart - which Levi doubts - whoever’s got their boot on Eren’s head will stomp down the minute Levi shows himself. It’s a risk and he knows it, but waiting too long will spell a sure end for the kid if he doesn’t act.

Levi flips the knife point-up, grips the worn, well-maintained handle with sure fingers. He slams the door open and swings round the corner with a hand braced against the butt of the blade, ready to drive in and up.

He’s in luck. The men turn as one and Levi has the perfect opening to slide his blade into the bare and unprotected throat of the man closest to him. His well-honed blade splits the man’s throat like butter, parting the skin like torn pages and spilling hot blood over Levi’s hands. A grimace is already curling Levi’s lips but he doesn’t pull back, thrusts the blade deeper until the hilt meets sinew and the point meets vertebrae.

And then something extraordinary happens.

The body impaled by the neck on Levi’s blade goes slack and slips off of it with a sickening squelch, like wet mud sucking at bootsoles. The second thug, the one with his boot on Eren’s head, staggers back instead of stamping down - a stroke of luck Levi would never admit to banking on - but Levi barely has time to shove the cooling corpse to the ground before Eren is on his feet, a whirlwind of messy brown hair, tanned, blood-stained skin. He grabs the man by the chest strap of his stolen gear, twists it taught in his fist, and as he turns his back, drawing his elbow over his shoulder, he drops to a knee and hauls the thug over his shoulder with the force of his own momentum.

Levi watches, silent, as the force of Eren’s throw slams the man head first into the ground, snapping his neck on impact.

And it’s still not over.

Levi gets to Eren just as footsteps fade into his awareness, too stunned by such a display to notice it earlier, but he skids on bloodied snow, wrenching Eren upright with a rough hand under his arm and dragging the boy’s body behind his own. As he turns, putting himself between Eren and those fast-approaching footsteps, he sees two more officers clad in instructor jackets, whose stunned and furious expressions give them away more than their untrained gaits do.

He flips his knife back to point-down, tenses his elbow and goes in low. With a sharp upward slice his blade meets fabric and skin beneath, cutting a quickly reddening gash across unprotected chest. He brings his forehead up hard against the bridge of a nose, shattering cartilage like chalk, and drives the blade home into shuddering jowls.

And then there’s Eren again, all adrenaline-fuelled rage and idiocy, surging forward with a bellow of “Levi!” And though it’s needlessly overdramatic and reckless, Levi’s grimly curious and can only acquiesce to see just what Eren plans to do. He tosses his knife though it pains him and Eren catches it with surprising deftness, charging forward to drive it deep into the gut of the last remaining bastard before he can even open his mouth to yell.

Eren shoves him to the ground, panting with the kind of croaky, rattling wheeze that tells of blood in lungs. He sags to one side and Levi curses, lunging to catch the idiotic brat before he can hit the floor.

“Eren,” Levi says, shaking him. He spins the unsteady kid round to face him, seizing his shoulders roughly. “Eren, look at me.”

Stupid, _stupid._ Yes, Levi took a gamble and won but it’s a gamble he never should have taken. Of course there would have been more, he knows better than to think that scum like this work in pairs. Lovoff knows Levi’s reputation, he wouldn’t have just sent _two_ fuckwits after them, not if they wanted to rub the three of them out without issue. Eren effectively derailed _that_ plan, and while Levi is somewhat grateful that he did, this fucking snot-nosed teenager now has blood on his hands and he’s not _like_ Levi. He hasn’t grown up around shit and filth and death.

This is going to destroy him.

And it’s Levi’s _fault._

“Eren,” Levi says again, backing the kid against the wall for when his legs inevitably give out. Shit, Levi’s never had to deal with this. Farlan and Isabel’s hands were already bloody when Levi found them, he’s never had to deal with a first kill before, hasn’t got the faintest idea how. “Just… Just look at me, okay? You’re alright. Shit, kid, you’re gonna be alright.”

“‘M okay,” Eren slurs, snorting wetly and lifting a hand to his broken nose. The ridge is swelling nastily, split across the bridge, and deep purple bruises have already bloomed below his eyes. His lip is split in two places, top left and bottom right, and there’s a nasty cut above his right eyebrow that’s weeping blood freely into his thick brow. He’s a fucking mess, but at least his eyes are clear. No concussion. Though maybe that would have made what’s going to come next a lot easier to deal with. 

“That’s right,” Levi says, awkward and unpracticed. “You’re okay. Don’t look anywhere else. Focus on… Uh, my face.” God, how did Kenny do this? Levi can’t even remember his first kill. They say it stays with you, but Levi’s blade has ended so many lives at this point - his blade and his hands and his feet - that they’ve all blurred into one. He can’t even remember feeling sick about it, if he ever did. “Don’t fucking throw up, I swear to god.”

His previously discarded concerns about concussion rush back in with a vengeance when the kid fucking _laughs._ It’s a high, relieved sound, wheezy and disgustingly wet because the fucking idiot has aspirated blood, but he’s shaking his head through a wince, pressing a bloody hand to Levi’s chest and pushing with a surprising amount of strength.

“I’m okay,” he says, nasally, breathlessly. “Levi, I’m alright, I’m fine.”

 _You just killed two people,_ Levi doesn't say, because he’s actively trying to distract Eren from that fact. “We need to get you to the infirmary. Why the _fuck_ are you laughing?”

It’s fucking unnatural, is what it is. Crying would almost be preferable. The vomiting Levi can obviously do without, but crying should be normal or whatever, surely? Kill someone, get overwhelmed by guilt strong enough to send you into shock. Eren’s obviously in shock - he’s still fucking laughing - but he’s not crying and that’s fucking weird.

“Levi,” Eren says again, stressing the last syllable like Isabel does when she’s irritated with him, trying to get his attention. “Stop freaking out. I’m alright.”

Well, fucking fine then. “Yeah, you say that now. Once the shock wears off, you’re going to piss your fucking pants and then where will we be? I need you to calm down so I can hammer home exactly what needs to happen next.” He scowls. “We’re telling Shadis this was all me, alright? If you can keep it the fuck together for long enough. We can clean you up, but you need to keep your fucking mouth shut and listen to me, alright?”

Eren fixes Levi with that alarmingly clear, bizarrely turquoise gaze. “Levi,” Eren says like it’s the only fucking word he knows. Definitely shock. Fucking hell. “Do I look like I’m freaking out?”

Levi’s scowl deepens and he opens his mouth to respond in the vehement affirmative, but he’s cut off by the fact that… Well, that it’s not right at all. Eren’s gaze is firm, clear, steady. Aside from the fact that his face is mangled to shit, he looks… calm. Unease prickles down Levi’s spine, but it’s an unfamiliar kind. Not unease-- Uncertainty. Harsh and bitter and strange. 

“Why?” Levi demands, stepping back. Eren rights himself, stepping away from the wall and - of all fucking things - brushes himself off like he’s only taken a tumble in the dirt and not fought for his fucking life and won. “Why aren’t you freaking out?”

Why is Levi arguing against this so vehemently? Does he _want_ Eren to scream and cry and puke? Not particularly. _Should_ Eren scream and cry and puke? Probably. No, not probably - definitely. The kid should be a mess, sobbing into scarlet-tinged snow like his mind is ripping itself apart while it tries to compartmentalise and digest what the body housing it has done.

Eren’s reacting to killing like it doesn’t bother him and even to someone as numb to it as Levi, he doesn’t know if he could stomach being in the presence of someone who can be so unaffected by it at fifteen. It’s different for Levi, he was raised on bloodshed. He knew death before he was seven years old. His earliest memories are screams and blood and broken bones. It’s shaped him. He loves a fight, will never deny that. But killing is only a necessity. It’s not a pleasure. That’s why Kenny… That’s how Levi can stand to look at his own reflection.

He looks at Eren and doesn’t see someone who delights in killing. In violence, yes, but not cold-blooded _murder._

There’s only one possible explanation.

“Fucking hell,” Levi says, pushing a hand through his hair, dragging his fringe back from his face. “Fucking-- Shit, kid, how old were you?”

Eren smiles, winces, and sighs. “Nine.”

Nine. _Nine._ Levi was ten. Things were supposed to be _different_ above ground. What kind of fucking shitshow is the government running where topside kids have to kill before their voice breaks?

“That’s fucked up,” Levi says, exhaling a rough and mirthless huff of a laugh. “I fucking knew there was something wrong with you.”

Eren grins despite the pain it undoubtedly causes him. His teeth flash white, stained red. “You’re a little impressed, admit it.”

“I’m a _lot_ creeped out,” Levi says, shoving him. “God, I thought you were some kind of sicko-- You were fucking _laughing.”_

“I was laughing at _you,”_ Eren says, spitting a mouthful of blood onto the soiled snow. Levi lets it slide because Eren’s face is really fucked up. He still glares though, because it’s still disgusting, but he’s not going to hit the kid after the beating he just took. “You always look so fucking constipated. It was weird to see you look _concerned._ I didn’t know your face could move like that.”

Levi’s palms itch with the urge to curl and punch. He withholds. Just barely. “I didn’t want you to start bawling. _Normal_ people tend to freak out when they kill someone.”

“Did _you?”_

“I said _normal_ people, Jaeger.”

Eren laughs, then groans and reaches up to prod at his swollen nose. Levi slaps his hand away, then grabs him by the collar. “Come on, let’s get you to the infirmary. Looking at you is turning my fucking stomach. Then you can fucking explain just what the hell you were playing at, trying to take on two armed fuckwits without even a rock or, hell, even a stick.”

“I didn’t have time!” Eren protests, stumbling as Levi hauls him across the grounds. “One of them-- I didn’t realise for a bit that he wasn’t a scout. By the time I realised, we were halfway to the officers’ quarters and I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. I was gonna sneak back and grab Mikasa, but then they jumped me.” Eren pauses. “Were you in the equipment shed the entire time?”

“Yeah,” Levi says. “You’re fucking lucky I was.”

“Yeah,” Eren says. “Do you want your knife back?”

“ _Yes,_ I want my fucking knife back.” Levi snatches the offered blade from him. “It’s my fucking pride and joy and you got your grubby fingerprints all over it.”

“The fingerprints are what’s bothering you? Not the blood?”

“It’s a knife, you’re meant to stab people with it. The fuck else is going to get on it?”

Eren finds that inordinately funny for some reason. Maybe the idiot really is going into shock. “I’m glad you were there,” is what he finally says when his laughter tapers off, though he hisses a little and reaches up to touch his nose again. Levi lets him poke, but only because he doesn’t currently have a free hand to stop him. 

“Yeah, well. Don’t fucking make a habit of it. Didn’t anyone ever teach you to pick your fucking battles?”

“Many have tried,” Eren says solemnly. “And failed.”

“I’m not even the slightest bit surprised.”

“Mm, I could tell. You don’t have a very expressive face.”

Yeah, kid’s definitely in shock. There’s no way he’d dare to rib Levi like this otherwise. Levi has the kind of face - and attitude and bearing - of someone you just don’t fuck with. Not unless you’re Farlan or Isabel, but they get special dispensation because Levi actually likes them. And it’s not that he dislikes Eren, he just doesn’t fucking know the kid. All he knows is that he’s loud, angry, and apparently rather handy in a fight. When he’s not being curb stomped, anyway.

“Levi?” Eren asks and Levi is about ready to change his fucking name at this point. He’s heard it more times this morning than he probably ever has in his life. Eren says it weird, too. Not wrong, just weird. Puts too much emphasis on the vowels. Hits the v too hard. “Why were those men after you?”

That’s the kicker, isn’t it? They were sent to tie up loose ends. Levi’s going to have to check in with Sairam, make sure Jan’s alright, but that will come later. Right now, they have four dead bodies, a mangled cadet, and a hell of a lot of explaining to do. And if Levi wanted the confirmation that the deal’s well and truly fucked, he’s got it. Goodbye topside citizenship, goodbye all hopes of a fucking peaceful life.

Levi stops dead, which means Eren does, too, gagging hard when Levi’s unrelenting grip on the back of his shirt yanks his collar into his throat. Levi ignores him, though Eren wriggles to try and free himself, Levi’s grip remains firm.

“Shit,” Levi exhales, kneading the heel of his palm against his forehead where the mother of all headaches is brewing. “How’s your face?”

“W-- Why?”

“Will you be alright for a bit? We can clean you up later.”

“Yeah, but why?”

He doesn’t want to do this. But there might just be the slightest chance they can salvage this shitshow. He’ll need Eren’s help, though. And he’ll have to come clean to Farlan and Isabel.

“We’re going to see Shadis,” Levi says grimly, lip curling. “Quick question.”

“What?”

“Can you cry on command?”

Eren gives him a look. “What the fuck?”

“Just answer the goddamn question, brat.”

“Wh-- Yes, I can fucking cry on command. Do you want full on sobbing or, like, stifled sniffles like I’m trying to be brave?”

In spite of himself, Levi’s mouth twitches into the barest hint of a smile. “If you can pull it off, the second one. Maybe the first if need be. I’ll signal if I need it.”

Eren nods, eyes glinting bizarrely. Fucking hell, what colour even _are_ they? “Alright,” he says, nodding. Blood trickles down his lips. He wipes it away with his sleeve. Levi does not hit him, but his palms still itch like crazy with the urge. “Let’s go see Shadis.”


	10. Chapter 10

It isn’t the first time Eren’s had the shit kicked out of him, and as much as he’d strongly prefer otherwise, he’s pretty sure it’s not going to be the last, but no matter how badly his face and his ribs hurt, it’s nothing compared to the sting of having to have his ass saved by someone else. _Again._ At least it’s not Mikasa this time, but Eren’s not entirely sure whether he feels better or worse about having his hide saved by the recalcitrant Levi, of all people. It’s kind of funny, in a morbid sort of way. There’s nothing about Levi that screams “saviour”. If anything, Eren would be more likely to assume Levi would be the one to initiate the fight rather than end it, but injured pride aside, he has to admit that he’s at least a little grateful Levi was there to save his life. 

Because that’s what happened, isn’t it? For all his fire, Eren still got knocked down, and if Levi hadn’t been there, all sharp angles and quiet fury, Eren would be a cold corpse in the woods right now. So no matter how much it rankles, Eren has to face up to the fact that he owes Levi big time. 

Doesn’t mean he has to like it, though. 

And besides, it’s not the rescue Eren particularly cares about. It’s good to be decidedly not dead, but more than anything Eren’s excited because Levi’s taking them to see Shadis, which means that for once Eren might actually know more about a situation than he normally does. Maybe if he manages to keep his mouth shut - a tall order but he’s cautiously optimistic - he’ll find out exactly what Levi’s group are doing up here and why the hell four thugs were after them. Maybe Eren will finally learn what the hell is going on with the regiment he’s so determined to join. Maybe, just maybe, getting his face beaten in will lead to something good. 

Well, maybe not _good_ , but definitely interesting, at the very least. 

“Hold it,” Levi says as they near the Commandant’s private quarters. He pulls Eren up short, thankfully not by the collar this time but by the arm, though it’s not much better because Levi has a hell of a grip on him no matter what body part he’s holding. Eren staggers a little, off-balance, but turns to Levi without comment. 

Levi beckons to him, holding his hands out. “Lean,” he says, making the same motion with his hands again. 

“Uh,” Eren says, glancing between Levi’s outstretched hands and his face. He knows what Levi wants but he’s not entirely sure he wants to do it, because Levi’s not the kind of person whose personal space you really want to invade, even if it is by invitation. Still, Eren doesn’t much like the idea of finding out what happens if he doesn’t do as he’s told, and he shuffles closer warily, bending down slightly so that Levi can properly inspect his damaged face. 

Levi’s slender fingers brush over Eren’s cheeks and that’s pretty much it for Eren’s ability to breathe. He’s not entirely sure why his lungs suddenly stop being able to fill themselves, he’s been doing the motion since birth after all, but the moment Levi’s fingertips touch his skin, Eren’s chest seizes and breathing becomes the most impossible task on the planet. It doesn’t _hurt_ , that’s not the issue. It’s akin to having what might as well be a wild animal right up in his face, one that’ll claw his eyes out if he blinks wrong. Eren can’t do much else other than hold still and try to remember how breathing works, as Levi ghosts his fingers over the worst of the swelling, no more than a flutter of a touch against heated skin. 

“Clean break,” Levi murmurs, silver eyes flitting over Eren’s face intently. “You were lucky. It’s going to set wrong, though.”

Eren doesn’t really care about that. He’s never been vain, never cared one way or the other about his looks. It was a constant source of exasperation for his mom, who spent hours trying to tame his unruly hair and scrubbing dirt off his cheeks. Eren attempts to say as much now to Levi, but then Levi’s thumbs jam hard into either side of the swollen ridge of Eren’s nose, and with a harsh wrench to the left, resets the dislodge cartilage with a sickening crunch and a burning lance of pain. 

Eren _howls_ , wordlessly and unintelligibly, only because his brain can’t decide which expletive to spit out first. He rears back, eyes streaming, as blood gushed from his nose anew, drenching his chin and soaking his shirt. Eren stamps his foot until the burning recedes, but even then the pain doesn’t fully ebb, just aches low beneath the bones of his face, somewhere deep enough that he can’t reach to soothe. 

“Sorry,” Levi says, sounding anything but. “But you’d’ve stopped me if I warned you.”

Yeah, no _shit._

Every instinct in Eren’s body screams at him to smack Levi in the face good and proper for that underhanded stunt, but he’s too preoccupied with nursing his bloody nose to follow through. Instead he just scowls through watering eyes, growling low in his throat, but the intended effect is undercut a little bit by the blood trickling down his throat, so it comes out as more of an affronted gurgle.

“Don’t fucking swallow, idiot,” Levi says, smacking Eren on the back. “Spit the blood out. Nasty brat.”

Eren does, but only because choking himself with his own blood really isn’t the way he wants to go. He hocks and spits, splattering the snow with a nauseous mixture of blood, mucus, and saliva, and he thinks that maybe he should have risked his life spitting it _at_ Levi, in retribution for resetting his nose so roughly. 

No, probably not worth it. 

Still hurts like a bitch, though.

“Has anyone ever told you,” Eren says, voice thick and nasally, “that you’re an absolute bastard?”

Levi gives him a flat look. “Many, _many_ times. Now come on. I want this shit over with.” He reaches for Eren’s arm again to resume dragging him along like a wayward kid or stubborn dog, but Eren roughly knocks his arm away at the wrist, none too keen about being dragged along in the first place and even less so now that his face feels even worse than it did while it was being smashed in. Levi stares down at his own hand like he can’t quite believe Eren had the audacity to fend him off, but rather than retaliate, he simply curls his fingers into a loose fist and turns away.

Eren follows, leaving a good few feet between them just in case Levi gets any more ideas about “helping” and snaps another bone for the hell of it. It genuinely feels like the cartilage in Eren’s nose has been ground into dust, to say nothing about the fact that his vision is wildly blurry, sort of filmy with the constant stream of tears that he can’t seem to stop, welling up in his body’s misguided attempts to ease the sting from his injuries. The bruising is easy enough to ignore, on its own little more than a dull ache, but all of it adds up to a ceaseless throb that makes Eren want to dive headfirst into snow for the chance to numb it.

That’ll come later, though. Right now Levi’s impatient to see Shadis, for whatever good he thinks it will do. With any luck, no stray cadets will happen upon the bodies they’ve left piled by the equipment shed, but better to report this sooner rather than later, just in case.

“Remember, no talking,” Levi says, jabbing a finger at Eren. “Just sit there and look injured and don’t fucking say a word.”

Well, Eren can do that, at least. He nods, wincing when it exacerbates the throbbing in his face, and Levi hammers on Shadis’ door like he intends to break the damn thing down.

He probably could.

It takes a moment for Shadis to answer, and when he does he wrenches the door open with a face like thunder, which isn’t too alarming because he always looks like that. An admonishment is already half forming on his thin lips, but it dies a death when his eyes sweep first over Levi, before settling on Eren and his whole bloody business.

“What the hell is this?” Shadis demands, rounding on Levi. “Have you lost your damn mind? Take him to the infirmary, what’s wrong with you?”

“No, I think we’ll come in, actually,” Levi drawls, shoving Eren in the small of his back and making him stumble. Shadis steadies him with a hand on his shoulder, scowling at Levi like the sheer force of his gaze will be enough to set him on fire.

Levi doesn’t get the message that he’s meant to be intimidated, either that or he just doesn’t care, which is the more likely option, and strolls into Shadis’ office like he owns the place, dropping into one of the chairs by the long table, looking for all the world like he can’t decide if he wants to kick his feet up onto it or just continue to recline like he hasn’t a care in the world. Thankfully, he doesn’t, so Shadis doesn’t get sent to an early grave with an apoplectic attack, but Shadis does slam the door and haul Eren over to the table as well.

Eren’s getting really sick of being manhandled.

“What the hell am I looking at, cadet?” Shadis barks, shaking Eren roughly. “Who did this to you?”

Eren slides his gaze towards Levi. He’s been told not to speak, after all. He’s not sure if he should start the fake crying yet or wait for Levi to signal him. He actually has no idea what Levi wants him to do. _Just sit there and look injured,_ he’d said. Right, Eren can do that. But he’d really like Shadis to stop shaking him now, thanks.

“Kid got jumped by four meatheads out for me,” Levi says smoothly. That’s not exactly how it happened, but Eren’s willing to bet Levi’s got reason to fudge the details to suit himself. “They’re dead now, but you’re probably going to have a hell of a lot of explaining to do if anyone spots them before you can cover it up.”

Shadis’ face turns purple. “Four? Who the hell were they?”

“Unclear,” Levi says, leaning back in his chair. “Well, I have a pretty good hunch, but that all depends on you, Commandant Shadis, Sir.” Levi doesn’t smile, but Eren still gets the feeling that he’d be grinning like a wolf if he were capable, all teeth and savage charm. “I’d like to get a message to section commander Erwin as soon as possible.”

Shadis shoves Eren down into a free chair before taking a seat himself. “You think you’ve got something, don’t you?” Shadis says, glaring. “Let me tell you something now, recruit, your reputation doesn’t mean shit up here. Whatever crap you managed to get away with underground won’t fly here, so you can wipe that smug look off your face right now. I’ve got no qualms about shipping you and your playmates off to Stohess. You’re not playing a game you can win. I can send you back down there in a heartbeat, don’t fucking test me.”

Levi’s gaze hardens. “So you do know,” he says. “Fine, makes this easier. Means I don’t have anything to lose by telling you that the fact you and Smith are playing with other people’s lives for your own agendas makes me sick. My friends and I aren’t _pawns_ , Shadis. I don’t give a shit about why you allowed us to come up here, I just want to know how to fix this fucking mess you’ve made. Because now one of yours,” he jerks a head in Eren’s direction, “has gotten mixed up in it.”

Shadis doesn’t even glance in Eren’s direction. “So what exactly am I looking at?”

“You know why we’re up here,” Levi says, leaning forward. “But as you can see, we’ve decided not to play the game you’re so adamant that we can’t win. Smith gets to keep his scheming blonde head on his shoulders, and you get the evidence you need to lift the freeze on the scouts.”

Shadis’ eyes narrow. So it _is_ true. And judging by the colour of Shadis’ face, no one else was meant to know about it. “You know who sent those men after you? You understand it’s your word against the dead, right? I can’t question people who can’t answer.”

“No, but I can point you towards some people who can,” Levi says. “Speak to Sairam, he knows a little. Trustworthy kid you’ve got there, I really hope he doesn’t die on the next expedition.” Levi examines his nails. “There’s a kid from the underground in a hospital in Stohess. He’s got a couple of grunts watching his room. I can give you descriptions but not names, but if you want answers, they’re the people to press.”

“And whose name am I hoping to get out of this?”

“Lovoff’s, obviously, you daft prick.” Eren presses his lips together to hold in a scandalised laugh. “He’s the whole reason we’re up here, didn’t you know that? Smith’s playing some kind of game here and I don’t give a shit what it is, I just want it to stop.”

Shadis doesn’t quite deflate, but his shoulders do droop an inch or so from their tense position near his ears. “So he finally made his move, then.”

“Sure did,” Levi says. “All over this cadet’s face, as you can see. Poor Eren here has no idea what’s going on. You might not think you owe me shit - debatable because I’m sure as shit going to come for my pound of flesh if you don’t cooperate - but you owe him an answer as to why he nearly choked on his own blood this morning.”

Shadis finally looks at Eren properly. There’s no sympathy in his gaze which Eren appreciates because he doesn’t want pity. It’s just a broken nose and a couple of bruises that’ll heal eventually. He’s not crippled or incapable of training. He’ll be just fine. But though there’s no sympathy in Shadis’ expression, there’s a grim sort of regret that Eren knows for sure Levi is going to take and run with as far as he can. 

“Is this true, Jaeger?” Shadis asks. 

“Yes, sir,” Eren says with a quick nod, hoping Levi won’t rage at him for breaking his promise of silence. From the look of it, Levi’s not bothered so Eren continues. “One came into the mess this morning and asked me if I could tell him where Levi and the others were. He said he’d already spoken to you. He had a scout’s uniform on so I didn’t think much of it. Then he mentioned a commander’s name that I didn’t recognise and I got suspicious. I was going to warn someone the first chance I got, but they caught me.”

“And it was four of them?”

“Yeah. Three in instructor jackets. We…” He trails off, glancing at Levi. He doesn’t want to lie and say that Levi killed all four of them, doesn’t know if Levi wants him to hold to the first plan of letting Shadis believe the deaths of all four are on his hands alone, but it doesn’t sit right with Eren to pin blame where it doesn’t rightly belong. “Levi saved my life,” he settles on after a moment, hoping his pause will be chalked up to his general state of injury.

“Is that so?” Shadis doesn’t look particularly pleased about that fact. He sighs, scrubbing a hand over his face. “This is a fucking shitshow you’ve made for me, the both of you.”

“I don’t know what you expected,” Levi says dryly. “Playing with live pawns never goes how you want it to. You can’t factor in human unpredictability, no matter how good a commander you are.” He pauses, looking almost thoughtful. _”Were,”_ he adds and Shadis bares his teeth furiously.

“What is it you want, then?” Shadis demands. “If I send men after these thugs that are supposedly watching your friend’s room, if we manage to get Lovoff implicated, what is it you want?”

“What we always wanted,” is Levi’s instant answer. “Me and my friends get our quiet life above ground. You leave us the hell alone. I’m not fighting your fucking war. Give us the out we want and you’ll never hear from us again.”

So that’s what it is. Eren would like to say that he suspected, but that’s not even close to the truth. He’d honestly had no idea what Levi and the others were doing in the corps, but it makes sense now that he hears it. He still has no idea what game it is Levi keeps referring to, but Eren can piece together enough of a narrative to go on with.

“You know what?” Shadis says, drawing Eren’s attention back to the room. “I don’t think I will.”

“What?” Levi demands flatly. “The fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Shadis smiles nastily. “I always find that the best soldiers are found in people who have something to fight for. There’s no guarantee that we’ll be able to get Lovoff’s name out of this, I want something more concrete than an idle possibility. No, you and your friends will serve in the corps as agreed. You’ll get the citizenship you want, but only if you survive your first expedition.”

“Bullshit,” Levi snaps. “I just fucking said we’re not fighting for you.”

“I’m not in the business of granting favours to criminals,” Shadis fires back. “You’re acting like you have the upper hand and let me tell you, it’s bringing me no end of joy to be able to tell you that you _don’t._ I’m not going to cart you back to Stohess, I’m not going to send you and your group of rats scurrying back below ground. I _could,_ but I won’t. You’ll serve the corps and if you live, you’ll get the life you want. By all means, reject the offer. I’ll have you clapped in chains and handed off to the military police before you can so much as scratch your ass.”

“You think I’m just going to sit here and let you make us martyrs for your cause?” Levi demands, tense like a coiled viper. Eren half expects him to vault the table and smash Shadis’ face into it. “Stop gambling with people’s lives, Shadis! We just want to fucking _live.”_

“Then fight,” Shadis says with an awful glint in his eyes. “Those are my terms. You’re free to refuse.”

“And if I do, you ship us off to the MPs for execution.”

“If that’s how they want to deal with you, then that’s their prerogative. I wouldn’t _dream_ of infringing on their jurisdiction.”

“You’re a piece of work,” Levi spits. “All of you. The MPs, the scouts. Do you get off on pulling the strings? Puppeting people around and forcing them to die for your beliefs? Does it help you sleep at night?”

“Don’t worry about my conscience,” Shadis says. “I won’t lose sleep if a couple of criminals die on my watch. The only thing you need to worry about is whether you’d prefer to die a criminal or a free man. You talk about your friends, but have you considered what they’d want? You were meant to die this morning, Levi. It’s only through Jaeger’s misplaced sense of justice that you didn’t. If you’re unhappy with this turn of events, please say so. I can still make it happen for you.”

Levi doesn’t answer. Rage rolls off him in waves and Eren has no idea how Shadis can just sit there and take it, because the anger isn’t even directed at Eren and he wants to run from it. He recoils in his seat when Levi stands, but nothing happens. He just storms from the room without another word or a backwards glance, slamming the door hard enough to dislodge one of its hinges.

“Go to the infirmary, Jaeger,” Shadis says, unruffled. “Get your face checked out.”

“Sir,” Eren says, scrambling for the door. He will, but not yet. Right now he really wants to catch Levi before he can do something stupid like rampage and get himself killed. It’s not Eren’s place but something inside him is screaming at him to find Levi before something terrible happens.

Levi hasn’t gotten far. Eren catches him outside, not doing anything, just standing in the snow with hunched shoulders and shaking hands. Eren slows his jog, coming to a stop a few feet away, unwilling to risk getting any closer.

“This is the kind of shit you want to risk your life for?” Levi asks, voice low. “You want to die for people like him?”

Eren opens his mouth. Closes it. Tries again. “I don’t want to die for anybody,” he says, slowly edging round Levi but keeping his distance, stopping when he’s properly in Levi’s line of sight. His head is bowed, fringe obscuring his face, but Eren doesn’t need to see his face to know how angry he is. He can see all of it in the harsh lines of his body, see how furious he is by the fact that his hands won’t stop shaking. “Why did they make you enlist?”

Levi laughs, a harsh, grating sound that’s more a growl than anything else. “I haven’t got a fucking clue,” he spits. “We got dragged up here because people like Shadis and Smith and Lovoff like to play with people’s lives. They don’t care about who they fuck over as long as they get what they want.”

“Lovoff is… the one who sent those men?”

“Yeah.”

“They wanted to kill you.”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

Levi lifts his head towards the sky. Takes a deep breath. “Because we wouldn’t do what he wanted. Lovoff sent us up here to get something. But the scouts knew what we were here for from the start. We were bait to draw Lovoff out. He’s been… I don’t know. Embezzling funds from the corps. If they shut down I guess he stands to benefit. More money for him and his fat, merchant friends.”

Right. Eren can understand that, at least. “But… Why would the corps recruit you if they knew?”

“I don’t know,” Levi says. “I’m flying blind here, Eren. I don’t have an answer. And it’s pissing me off.”

“What are you going to do?”

Levi snorts. “I don’t _know.”_ He looks at Eren finally and Eren decides that defeat looks wrong on Levi’s face. “What would you do?”

Eren thinks about this. What _would_ he do? If he were forced to fight just for the chance to live, would he take it? Of course he would. Eren’s been fighting since he was old enough to walk, but not for survival, just because his blood has always run too hot for inactivity. Maybe Levi is the same, but probably not. He seems like he enjoys a fight, but from what Eren can guess, Levi fights because he has to. Which makes this… just another fight, really.

“I’d fight,” Eren finally decides on for his answer. “It’s what you know, right? You’ve fought for your whole life below ground. This is just another fight. Become a scout, go out there and come back. It’s just one more fight.”

“It’s not just my life I’d be risking,” Levi counters. “Isabel’s and Farlan’s, too. You fucking love the scouts, can you tell me honestly: how many of them came home? When you watched them leave the walls, what did they look like when they came back?”

It’s a fair question, but one Eren can’t answer the way Levi wants him to. He can’t say that the scouts come back victorious because they don’t. He can’t say that the scouts come back whole and jubilant because that’s a lie. They come back broken, bloody, defeated. Every time without fail, for every expedition Eren’s watched since he was a child, they lose more than they gain.

“You couldn’t leave the underground,” Eren says slowly, choosing his words with more care than he ever has before in his life. “No matter what you did, you were trapped down there, right?”

Levi frowns at him but nods.

“It’s like that for us, too,” Eren says. Levi gives him a flatly disbelieving look so he hurries to explain. “The walls keep us trapped up here. Maybe it’s not like that for the interior cities, but for us in Shiganshina, it was like a pen. Like we were cattle. There’s a whole world out there that we can’t have because of the titans. We’re stuck in here, caged and starving. Wouldn’t you do anything to get out of your cage?”

Something shifts in Levi’s expression then, something small but definitely there. Some of the anger slips away, his gaze turns calculating, thoughtful. “That was surprisingly insightful,” he says after a long moment. “For a brat.”

Eren huffs. “I have my moments. Look, you don’t have to like it, but your hand’s been dealt. Go out there, see what it’s like. And come back alive. That’s all. Then you’ll have your life.”

Levi exhales slowly. “For someone with such a hot head you can be weirdly reasonable. I don’t like it.”

Eren laughs properly then. “Yeah, well, maybe I got some sense knocked into me. For a couple of meatheads, those bastards can hit pretty hard.” He touches his nose, wincing. Then an awful thought strikes him. “Levi…”

“What?”

“If… If you hadn’t had to save me, you could’ve handed those guys over to Shadis. They could’ve gotten information from them, but you killed them to save my life. Did… Did I ruin your chance to live above ground? Did this happen because of me?”

Levi’s gaze hardens and for one wild second Eren thinks his guilty questions have caused the realisation to hit Levi that it’s Eren and not Shadis who’s responsible for the mess he’s now found himself in.

“Don’t be stupid,” Levi snaps. “You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or…” He frowns. “The right time. If those four had gotten to Isabel and Farlan while I was gone, they might’ve killed them. However unintentionally, you managed to stall them.” He snorts. “Shit, Eren, you saved their lives. Guess we’re even.”

Eren grins, not caring that it makes his face ache. “So does this make us friends now?”

“Don’t fucking push your luck,” Levi grumbles. “And can you seriously go to the infirmary now? I’m getting nauseous just looking at you.”

Eren snickers. “Aye aye, sir.”

“Then come find me,” Levi says after a moment. “I need to tell the others what’s happened and I think I could use a hand. Isabel will be less likely to strangle me if you’re there.”

“You can fight off four grown men but not Isabel?” Eren asks, amused. Then, after a moment of thinking it over, says, “...Actually, yeah, that’s fair. I’ll be there. And hey, Levi?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks. For saving my ass.”

Levi huffs. “Don’t mention it, kid.”


	11. Chapter 11

Leaving Levi to his own devices in the snow, Eren finally takes himself over to the infirmary, double timing it in the hopes he won’t bump into anyone on the way and have to explain the morning’s events before he’s ready. It’s testament to the good doctor’s experience that she doesn’t so much as bat an eyelid when Eren knocks on her door, disturbing what should have been a rather relaxing morning for everyone following the solstice. He manages a rather apologetic grimace of a smile, but Zofia just opens the door further and beckons him in.

Zofia’s probably the best and worst part of cadet training. She’s tall, towers over most of the cadets save for Reiner and Bertholdt with whom she’s still able to stand eye-level with, and has the kind of face that isn’t pretty at first glance, but is the more you look at it. Her features are sharp, angular, and her hair is a sort of coppery-blonde that she keeps in a neat braid wound into a bun. It’s a long-standing joke among the cadets that none of them particularly mind getting injured because it means they get to come see Zofia. She’s funny and scarily smart and doesn’t take any sort of nonsense from any of them.

“Fighting again, Jaeger?” She asks, pulling on a set of gloves and tilting his head back so she can inspect the worst of the damage. 

“Mm, they started it this time, though.” He winces as she presses on the bridge of his nose, checking the extent of the swelling.

“Yes, I’ve heard that before,” she says mildly. She sets a kettle onto the stove to heat some water, humming softly as she sets out her tools, though thankfully none of the items strike too much fear into Eren this time around. The mandatory physicals can get a bit… invasive, but at least this time all his injuries are external and rather superficial.

“I mean it this time, though,” Eren grins, tilting his head back up obediently when she begins wiping away the blood with a clean, damp cloth. The heat of the water is pleasant and thankfully seems to finally begin to soothe the persistent ache that’s settled below the skin of his face. “Shadis’ll probably tell you about it later. I don’t know how much I’m supposed to say.”

Zofia gives him a long look at that, pausing with the flannel above his left cheek. “Better stay quiet, then,” she says after a moment, discarding the rag when she’s finished cleaning him up. “Mm, I don’t like the look of that cut on your forehead. You’ve a nasty bruise on the back of your neck, too. What happened exactly?”

“Got knocked about a bit,” Eren says, shifting in his seat. “Couple kicks to the ribs, uh, someone stood on my head. That was when my nose broke. That was pretty nasty to feel. Um, other than that, just a couple of punches. Didn’t hit my head, though, so I’m pretty sure I’m not concussed. Levi would’ve probably known if I was.”

“Levi?” Zofia asks with some surprise, thin brows raising. “The grumpy one with the fringe?”

Eren snorts. It’s a rather unpleasantly wet sound. “Yeah, that’s him. Lucky he was there.”

Zofia sighs, uncorking a bottle of iodine and dripping a small cluster of droplets onto a gauze pad. “I wouldn’t call getting the shit kicked out of you _lucky_ , Jaeger. This will sting.” Eren screws his eyes up, bracing himself as she dabs the selection of cuts on his face with the bitter-scented chemical. It does sting, but it’s not unbearable. Just sharp. “The swelling’s already starting to go down, though. The bruises will probably take a few weeks to heal, but they’re nice and dark now which means they won’t get any worse.”

Eren opens his eyes when he feels her move away. “I don’t really mind the bruises.”

Zofia hums, batting his hands away when he reaches up to prod at the cut on his forehead so she can fasten a small gauze bandage over it with adhesive strips. “No, but you’ll mind your nose if it sets crooked.” 

“Yeah, Levi already took care of that,” Eren mutters.

Zofia laughs lightly. “Well, good. Breaking a nose is nasty business anyway, but the resetting is always the worst part.” She prods his nose carefully, around his eyes where the bruises must be at their worst, trailing in towards the tender bridge that already feels less hot and angry now that the swelling has gone down some. Zofia’s brow pinches oddly, though, when she nudges at it.

“I thought you said you broke it?” She says, prodding harder and making Eren’s eyes water.

“I did,” Eren insists, resisting the urge to swat her away. “Felt it crack, it was gross.”

Zofia’s frown deepens and she prods a little harder. Other than aching a bit it doesn’t really hurt too bad, but it’s still annoying and the urge to jerk his head back is a strong one. “I can’t feel the break at all,” she says after another minute of poking. “Feels fine to me, just swollen.”

“Oh,” Eren says, unsure of what to make of that. “Good, then?”

Zofia’s eyes narrow. “Yes,” she says though she doesn’t sound convinced. “Well, that means all you’ve got to worry about is keeping your cuts clean while they heal. You’ll bounce back in no time, but come back if you get a nosebleed that doesn’t stop after about two minutes.”

She doesn’t let him off easy. After his face is clean and bandaged, she prods all around his ribs, has him strip off his shirt so she can check him all over, but the damage seems to have been kept mostly to his face. He has a nasty boot-shaped bruise blooming across the right side of his ribs that has Zofia’s mouth thinning into a furious line, but otherwise he’s fine. Even his face has stopped aching, so he’s pleased about that at the very least.

“Take this,” she says, thrusting a bag of small white crystals into his hands. “It’ll get the blood out of your shirt. Do your laundry separately this time, Jaeger. I doubt any of your friends will appreciate you getting blood on their clothes. Eren salutes her and she waves him off, handing him a small metal tin as well. On inspection, it contains a resinous, pale green sort of goop that Eren regards with no small amount of distrust. 

“It’s to keep that damn cut clean, Jaeger,” Sofie tells him, poking him in the chest. “Morning and night, warm water only, then rub some of this on it. If you get an infection, I’ll skin you.”

“Yes, Zofia,” he intones with a grin. 

“I’d tell you no more fighting, but unlike you I tend to pick battles I know I can win,” she says, ruffling his hair. “Now go change and wash your clothes. Leave the shirt to soak in the bowl for a while. The soda crystals will lift the stains right out.”

He thanks her and hurries out, sprinting across the grounds to the barracks. He knows before he gets there that he’s not going to be able to slink away from Mikasa without an interrogation, so he stops by the laundry room so he can steal a clean shirt and dump his own soiled one into a bowl of water as Zofia instructed along with the crystals. He leaves that to do whatever it is it needs to and yanks the clean shirt on as he makes his way to the barracks.

Mikasa and Armin are finally awake when he gets back, curled sleepily underneath a blanket as they talk quietly to Mina and Christa. The rest of the cadets are either still sleeping or bothering the girls over in their quarters, but the four of them all look up as Eren comes in, eyes widening in comical unison.

“Eren!” Mikasa gasps, throwing the blanket off and surging over to him. She grabs his arms, his shoulders, his face - _ouch_ \- before snatching her hands back at his wince. “What _happened?”_ She reaches out again, gently this time, to brush fingers over the worst of the bruises and she looks so distraught that Eren lets her without complaint.

“I’m alright,” he tells her, catching her fluttering hands and giving them a reassuring pat. “Look, I’m all patched up, I already went to Zofia.”

“But--”

“‘Kasa, I promise, I’m okay.”

Though he knows his barebones explanation won’t placate her in the slightest, Eren gives his watered down version of events to tide her over until he can explain the whole thing to her and Armin when they’re alone. He gives her a meaningful look where Christa and Mina can’t see and she understands that he can’t get into it now where the others can overhear. It’s enough to calm her for now, though her eyes flit restlessly over every inch of his face like she can stare the injuries away.

“I think Shadis is going to tell everyone the rest later,” Eren murmurs. “But I am okay. I need to go see Levi and the others, though.”

“We’ll come with you,” Mikasa says at once and Armin nods. It’s not what Eren particularly wants but he knows better than to try and stop them, so he gives in with little protest. 

“Alright, but get dressed quickly. I don’t want to keep them waiting.”

That, and he also doesn’t want to give Christa the chance to fuss and judging by how wide her eyes are, Eren only has about thirty seconds left before her shock wears off and she unleashes the full force of her overbearing sweetness and concern on him. He can already see her gearing up for it, but Mikasa and Armin are reliable when it counts, speedily throwing shirts on over their bedclothes and yanking boots on so they can escape probing questions Eren isn’t prepared to answer. They tear out of the barracks with seconds to spare before Mina and Christa can gather their wits enough to grill them.

“What the hell happened?” Mikasa demands once they’re safely outside, striding across the grounds towards the officer’s quarters.

“It was so messed up,” Eren says, hissing a little as the cold air hits his bruised face anew. “Couple of thugs dressed as instructors came to get Levi and the others. Kill them. I got jumped by two by the equipment shed.”

“Oh my god, _Eren!”_

“I’m _alright,_ I said. Levi was there. He overheard them and came out to save my ass. It was…” Eren shakes his head. He’d been there and even he can’t quite describe what Levi has looked like in the middle of the fight. Granted, he’d spent a good portion of the first half with his face crushed into the ground, but when he’d been able to see properly, he still hadn’t been able to quite parse it. Levi, moving faster than the eyes could track, sure confidence in every movement, the skilled way his fingers had spun the knife, the way he hadn’t hesitated for a moment.

“It was really cool,” Eren mumbles, a little starstruck. “Like, I know he’s… underground, or whatever, but I’ve never seen anyone fight like that. We took down four of them over by the shed. Levi took two, I got the others.”

“Did you kill them?” Armin asks, eyes wide.

“Well, yeah. They were gonna kill us.”

“I bet you’re Shadis’ favourite. That’s going to be a hell of a lot of paperwork.”

“Yeah, Armin, I really care about Shadis’ workload after I got my _head_ smashed in.” Armin laughs at that, a sort of high, shaky sound that’s entirely involuntary. “But if anyone asks, it was Levi. That’s not me pinning it on him, by the way. It was his idea.” He glances at Mikasa who, judging by the hard edge to her gaze, is viciously pleased that those responsible for Eren’s injuries have already been dealt with. “I was coming to get you,” he tells her on a whim.

She blinks. “Me?”

“Yeah. At first, I didn’t know anything was wrong. It wasn’t until one of them mentioned something that made me suspicious that I even considered they might not be legit. I had no idea what to do. I thought “what would Armin do?” So I doubled back and was about to come get you to help me take them down but they caught me first.”

The two of them look immensely pleased at that, Armin to be faced with the concept that Eren would turn to him in a crisis, and Mikasa to know that Eren would have turned to her the moment things went sour. He’ll never really understand the weird concept Armin has about not feeling useful, there are so many times he’s gotten Mikasa and Eren out of even worse trouble when they were kids.

“I’m glad you’re alright,” Mikasa says, nudging his shoulder. “But why were they here in the first place?”

Eren slows to a stop and they do the same. He glances around to make sure they won’t be overheard - no chance of that, the compound is still silent - and beckons them to lean closer. “Apparently there’s some guy in the interior who’s been leeching funds away from the scout regiment.” Mikasa and Armin’s eyes widen as one. “I guess the freeze is his fault, that’s what I got from Shadis at least. I guess he brought Levi and the others up here to get some information for him? I wasn’t entirely sure about that bit, Levi and Shadis weren’t exactly going to pause their conversation to clue me in on the details.”

“It’s definitely possible, though,” Armin says, looking thoughtful. “If someone wanted to siphon off funds it would be easy to make the scouts their target if you take into account that they’re the least favoured of the regiments. The MPs are untouchable, the wall garrison gets overlooked so often they may as well be defunct, but the scouts? They’re prime fodder for embezzlement.”

See? This is why Eren should have come to Armin first.

“Did you get a name?” Armin asks, a peculiar glint in his eyes. 

“Uh, yeah, actually. Lovoff?”

Armin shakes his head. “Doesn’t ring any bells, but if he’s interior then there’s no surprise we haven’t heard of him. Probably a noble or something with an axe to grind against the corps. But if you think about it, it makes a contrived sort of sense. Hire a couple of underground thugs to do your dirty work, you can just kill them or send them back down there when they’ve done the job. No one will miss them.”

Eren scowls, thinking of bright little Isabel and calm Farlan and wondering how anyone could screw them over to further their own ends. Even Levi, quiet and surprisingly protective, doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment, no matter how abrasive he comes across. They’re good people who’ve been dealt a shit hand and they deserve better than to be treated as scapegoats for the wealthy and twisted.

“I guess it all went a bit wrong, though,” Eren says. “I think one of the section commanders knew what was going on. That’s why they’ve been stationed here. Whatever Lovoff wanted them to get, they stood no chance of getting it if they couldn’t get close to the scouts.”

“So the scouts knew from the beginning,” Armin says, nodding slowly. A shadow passes over his expression. “How awful. They’re playing with people’s lives like they don’t matter.”

“That’s what Levi yelled at Shadis about,” Eren says darkly. “And I don’t blame him. The three of them-- all they want is the chance to live above ground, but even now that this is all in the open, they still can’t have it.”

“Why not?” Mikasa demands, angry on their behalf. “Haven’t they done enough? Being toyed with at every turn, fed lies and false promises, don’t they deserve it?”

“It’s not about deserving anything,” Armin says with his customary calm pragmatism. “You forget, we don’t matter to the brass, Mikasa. None of us do, not the cadets, not soldiers, and definitely not three criminals from the underground. They’re only worth something while they’re useful and Shadis knows that.”

“It was awful,” Eren murmurs. “Shadis won’t let them off until they’ve served for at least one expedition. He said they had to come back alive before he’d grant them citizenship. It’s like he’s hoping they’ll die so he won’t have to give them what they want.” Eren doesn’t say that his faith in the scouts had been shaken when he’d heard that, he doesn’t say that Levi had looked so close to snapping, so angry he couldn’t stop his hands from shaking.

He doesn’t have to, Mikasa and Armin swell with righteous fury on his behalf.

“That’s horrific,” Mikasa spits. “I’d’ve killed him for that.”

Eren shudders. “I think it was a close thing. But… It’s weird. Levi looks like he couldn’t give a shit about anything most of the time, but when it comes to Farlan and Isabel it’s like something inside him switches. Like he’d do anything for them.” Maybe, though, it’s not so strange. Eren looks at Armin and Mikasa and knows that if he were in Levi’s position, he’d do the same thing.

“I guess shorty’s a secret softy,” Mikasa says, prompting a spluttering laugh from Eren.

“Mikasa, don’t say that! He might hear you!”

“What’s he going to do, bite my kneecaps off?”

“I literally watched him take down two grown men this morning and you think you could take… Yeah, you know what? Say what you want. A fight between the two of you would be a hell of a thing to watch.”

The three of them snicker before jogging the rest of the way towards the barracks. It doesn’t take them long to find the right rooms, mainly because Farlan’s standing outside one of the buildings, arms folded and an expression of deep unease etched into his usually calm features. He looks up when he hears them approach and his shoulders sag with relief when he sees Eren.

“Thank god you’re here,” he says sincerely, clapping Eren on the shoulder. “Also-- You look terrible.”

“Thanks,” Eren says dryly, shrugging his hand off. “What’s going on, is everything okay?”

“Mild structural damage but no bodycount just yet,” Farlan says with a weak laugh. “Listen, Levi didn’t say much, but he got the gist across and I just want to formally apologise for this before we get into it, because you’ve already been put in danger for us once today.”

“What?” Eren asks, face scrunching up in confusion. “What are you talking about.”

Farlan gives him a grave look. “Thank you for your service,” he intones before grabbing Eren rather unceremoniously by the collar, shoving open the door to their quarters, and throwing him inside before Eren even has the chance to protest.

He stumbles, catching himself on a bedpost before he can wipe out spectacularly on the floor, and the door behind him slams shut with an echoing sort of finality that chills him inexplicably. He straightens up just in time to see a chair fly across the room, shattering into splinters against the far wall, mere inches away from Levi’s head.

“YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!” Bellows the enraged voice of Isabel. Eren blanches. For such a small girl, she sure has a set of pipes on her. “YOU NEVER _TALK_ TO US, JUST GO HARING OFF ON YOUR OWN WITHOUT A SINGLE THOUGHT!” Another chair follows the first and Levi neatly sidesteps that one, too. Isabel shrieks a wordless howl and whirls around to find something else to throw.

“Um,” Eren says, shrinking back. “Is this a bad time?”

“Oh, Eren,” Levi says mildly. “Just in time.” Much like Farlan had, Levi reaches out to grab the back of Eren’s collar - and if Eren gets manhandled _one_ more time today, he’s going to start taking _pieces_ \- and yanks Eren over, putting him neatly between himself and the whirlwind of red and fury that is Isabel Magnolia.

“Are-- Are you using me as a human shield?!” Eren demands, trying to round on him, but Levi keeps him facing away with firm hands on his shoulders. “You, of all people?!”

“Eyes forward, Eren, there’s a good boy.”

“What the f--”

_”Eren!”_

Eren cowers at the shrill cry of his name and before he can guard against stray chairs Isabel is pulling him into her arms, fussing over him like a mother might. He’s nothing except entirely mystified, can’t do anything except let Isabel pull him this way and that as she examines his bruised face, his bandages and cuts, expression twisted into something fretful.

“Oh, I’m so glad you’re alright,” Isabel cries, crushing him to her chest. “Levi--” She scowls over Eren’s shoulder at him, “--said you got attacked and I’ve been out of my mind with worry ever since.”

“I’m alright,” Eren says, trying to extricate himself from the prison of her arms. “It wasn’t even that bad-- Isabel. _Isabel._ ” He sighs when she shows no sign of releasing him. “Why the hell were you throwing chairs.”

“Because Levi’s a bitch,” she says fiercely. “And he never thinks of anyone but himself.”

Eren blinks, startled. “Isabel, you _know_ that’s not true.”

Isabel bares her teeth in a surprisingly grizzly snarl. “Eren, you don’t know--”

“I kind of do, though,” Eren says, pushing her away with a little more force. Not roughly, just insistently enough that she finally gets the message and lets him go. “Look, you guys got put in a shitty situation, Levi did what he felt he had to so he could try and get you out of it. I was there, I saw what he tried to do. Got the bruises to prove it.” He tries for a joking smile but Isabel’s expression only darkens and he backtracks quickly. “I get that you’re angry, but would him telling you have changed anything? Don’t say he doesn’t think about you guys, that’s all he ever does and you _know_ that.”

Isabel’s shoulders droop and she drops onto one of the bunks, all the fight seeping out of her. Eren breathes a quiet sigh of relief. The interior of their quarters is already trashed beyond belief, broken furniture and scattered detritus already littering the floor. From the looks of it, Isabel’s been rampaging for the better part of an hour. Which explains why Farlan had thrown Eren quite literally into the line of fire. Effective, if insulting, though Eren has no idea why Isabel would cease her raging just because she saw him.

“He still should have said _something,”_ Isabel snaps, though she seems to have finally worn herself out. “You guys could have been _killed._ All because of us.”

“Give us _some_ credit,” Eren mumbles. “And it wouldn’t have been because of you, would it? It would’ve been because of that Lovoff guy. He’s the one who caused this whole mess, right?”

Isabel sighs, tugging on one of her pigtails. It’s something she does when she’s thoughtful or stressed, Eren’s noticed. “You know more than I thought you did.” She sniffles, looking distraught. “You don’t think less of us, do you, Eren?”

“What’s that now?” Eren asks, nonplussed. “Why the hell would I?”

Isabel chews on her bottom lip, looking so upset that Eren instinctively loops an arm around her shoulders, sitting down beside her on the bed. “Because we came up here to do his dirty work,” she says, sounding close to tears. “We were gonna kill section commander Smith.”

Oh. Well. That’s not _great,_ but Eren would be nothing but a hypocrite if he judged them for doing what they thought they had to do just to get by. And he’s still working on half the information for the whole situation, but honestly there’s not much the three of them could do that Eren would judge them harshly for. 

“Isabel, I can promise you, I still think you guys are the coolest people I’ve ever met.”

Isabel laughs wetly and Levi finally moves away from the wall to open the door and let the others in. Farlan enters first, surveying the damage with trepidation, and Armin and Mikasa trail after him, eyes wide.

“Oof,” Farlan says lightly. “Damn, Isabel, you really did a number on this place.” Isabel sniffles and Eren pats her back softly. 

“Give me a hand clearing this shit up,” Levi says, grabbing Farlan by the arm and hauling him out of the room. “Let Eren cool her the rest of the way down.”

“You’ve got a gift, Eren!” Farlan cackles as Levi drags him off.

“Are you alright, Isabel?” Armin asks kindly. Though she still looks a bit teary, Isabel nods and Armin pats her shoulder, sitting down on her other side while Mikasa begins collecting up the broken pieces of furniture into a neat pile by the door.

“I didn’t mean to get so angry,” she says, wiping her eyes. “I just-- Levi _always_ does this. He gets it into his head that he knows what’s best for us and goes off on his own without ever telling us. We’re supposed to be a _team,_ you know?”

“Yeah, but you know he’s only trying to look out for you guys,” Eren says, resolutely not meeting Mikasa’s pointed gaze. “He’s not trying to keep you out deliberately. It’s just because he cares about you guys. I think?” Eren laughs lightly. “I have no idea what he’s thinking half the time, actually, so this might just be bullshit. It’s what I’d do, though.”

Isabel wipes her nose on her sleeve. “We _know_ he cares about us, it’s just annoying. If he just-- Like, he never wanted to take this job, but we didn’t have a choice. They took one of our friends and promised him medical treatment if we complied. That and there was no other way we could’ve gotten to the surface without help. But I guess that’s all a pipe dream now. If the deal is off…”

So Levi hasn’t told them the rest, then. Understandable, if Isabel tried to kill him with a chair when he tried, but though Eren wants to soothe Isabel’s hurt, he doesn’t want to overstep and say anything Levi might not want him to. It’s hypocritical to keep information from her when Levi’s been doing the same, but Eren’s an outsider to this argument. The only reason he even knows this much is because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Luckily, he doesn’t have to agonise over it for too long. Farlan and Levi come back with a broom and a tray with small cups on it that turn out to contain hot tea which the rest of them take gratefully. Isabel hiccups into her own cup but she no longer looks like she’s about to burst into tears and looks even less likely to go on a renewed, furniture-destroying rampage, so Eren calls that a success.

“Don’t get your pigtails in a twist,” Levi says over the rim of his cup. He holds the thing bizarrely, over the top with his fingers clasping the sides which can’t be comfortable by any stretch of the imagination, but it doesn’t seem to bother him. Not that anything ever does. “What I was trying to say was that, yes, the deal is off, but we can still get our citizenship. You’d know that already if you didn’t try to take my head off with a chest of drawers.”

“Oh, I wondered what this was,” Mikasa says, holding up a plank of wood with a handle on one side. She looks mildly impressed. “You threw a whole chest of drawers at him?”

“Just the top drawer,” Isabel mumbles into her tea, dropping a few more inches lower. “Sorry, bro.”

“It’s fine, your aim’s shit,” Levi says, smirking at her. 

“That’s great and all,” Farlan says impatiently. “But what’s the situation now, anyway? And is there a reason the kids are here? How much do they know?” 

Farlan’s never been anything but amicable, if bitingly sarcastic when he wants to be, but the gaze he levels on Eren now is anything but friendly, which is more than a little shocking. They’ve never had cause to dislike each other, but Farlan’s looking at Eren like he wants to toss him out on his ass. A tad ungrateful, considering Eren saved his ass this morning, by Levi’s own admission.

“As much as we do, I’d wager,” Levi says calmly, sipping his own tea. “If they’re smart and don’t have heads filled with shit instead of brains. They can put two and two together, Farlan, I’m sure. Besides, Eren was with me when I went to see Shadis. That, and since Eren’s face took the brunt of the beating that was intended for you, he’s involved whether he wants to be or not. If he wants to share what he knows with his friends, that’s his own prerogative.”

Eren throws a grateful smile in Levi’s direction. “I told you, you don’t have anything to worry about from us.”

“And as we’ve found out, that’s not just lip-service,” Levi says. “A rare thing. People can talk pretty words all they want, but it all means shit if they won’t back it up. Seems our Eren here isn’t just a bag of gas and actually has the balls to back up the talk.”

“Or the lack of common sense,” Armin quips, laughing when Eren leans round Isabel to shove him. “Watch the tea, Eren!”

“He didn’t really act on his own initiative, though, did he?” Farlan says, lip curling nastily. Eren swings round to look at him, shocked by the vitriol in his tone. “Of course he’s going to fight back if his life is in danger. Like you said, wrong place, right time. You’re dragging more people into your shit, Levi. You nearly got the kid killed today.”

Silence descends, thick and uncomfortable, and Isabel tenses where she’s sat between Armin and Eren, so sharply that the bed creaks beneath them.

“Farlan,” she says, low and beseeching. “It’s not Levi’s fault--”

Farlan laughs, a brash, mocking sound. “When is it not, Isa? The sun doesn’t shine out of his fucking ass. He’s as human as the rest of us, even if he doesn’t act like it. He fucks up. A _lot_ of the time. He acts without thinking and the rest of us get dragged along for the ride.”

“Farlan.” Levi lowers his cup, fixing his sharp gaze on his friend.

Farlan sneers at him. “No, you _know_ I’m right. Don’t try to shut me up just because you don’t want to hear it. I’ve been cleaning up after you for years and I’m sick of it!” He slams his cup down on the table - the last whole piece of furniture left save for the beds - and storms out of the room without another word. The door slams behind him and Isabel winces.

“He’ll get over it,” Levi says with a sniff. “He’s just acting out because he’s pissed, he’ll cool down in about an hour.” He glances at Eren. “Don’t take it personally.”

“I… Sure,” Eren says, unsure of what else to say. “But why’s he so angry?” He looks to Isabel. “Why were both of you so angry? Farlan was fine a minute ago…”

“We had-- Have a friend,” Isabel says, staring into her teacup like it holds all the answers. “The one I said was in the hospital? He’s Farlan’s partner.”

“Okay, so he misses his boyfriend,” Eren says. “That’s no reason to get all shitty.”

“It’s a bit more complicated than that,” Levi says, curling his fingers into a loose fist against the top of his thigh and pushing down until the joints click. “He’s angry at _me_ , Eren. You’re just in convenient range for him to target. I told Lovoff’s men to go fuck themselves while we were in the interior. Farlan’s pissed because he thinks I put Jan in danger.”

“Oh,” Eren says. “I guess I can see why he’d be angry about that.”

“He has every right to be,” Isabel mutters, throwing a dark glare in Levi’s direction. “You should have _told_ us.”

“I never wanted this job in the first place, you little brat.” Levi narrows his eyes at her, though his voice remains level and calm despite his words. “It’s Farlan’s attachment that forced our hands in the first place.”

“Right, because we should all be like you and refuse all human contact and relationships in case they can be used against you.”

Levi inclines his head. “Yeah. What’s not clicking?”

“God, you’re impossible,” Isabel snaps. “Farlan and I have every right to be pissed at you for this.”

“It worked out, didn’t it?” Levi fires back. “All we have to do is survive one little expedition and we’re home free. You’re being childish. Cut it the fuck out. Jan will be fine.”

“And if he’s not?”

“He will be.”

“But if he’s _not?”_

Levi’s eyes flash. “Then Farlan will take a swing at me and then he’ll get over it.”

It’s a horrifically callous remark, even in Eren’s opinion, who’s snapped out his fair share of biting, thoughtless comments when angry. It seems worse, somehow, coming from Levi, who never seems to speak without that sense of calm, unruffled confidence. He doesn’t ever seem to speak thoughtlessly in anger, everything that passes his lips is calculated, which means it will cut without mercy if he needs it to.

“I can’t stand you sometimes,” Isabel says, eyes welling up with tears. “I really can’t.”

“Then by all means,” Levi says, bowing low in his chair and gesturing the door with a sarcastic flourish. “The door is there. Go fuss over Farlan and bitch together about how much you hate the sight of me. Get it out of your system.”

Isabel jumps to her feet with a wordless shriek of rage, jostling Eren and Armin so badly they have to fumble not to drop their teacups. Isabel has no such qualms, wrenching her arm back and catapulting her own cup at Levi’s head with lightning speed. Her aim is dead on this time and Levi has to jerk sharply to the side to avoid getting porcelain shattered against his face. The cup shatters against the wall behind his head in a shower of shards and dark liquid and Isabel turns on her heel to follow Farlan, slamming the door twice as hard.

“Teenagers,” Levi mutters, picking a shard of porcelain off his shoulder. He seems completely at ease with having both of his friends furious with him, unbothered in the slightest by the awkward silence now hanging over the room in a thick fog. Eren shares an uncomfortable glance with Armin and Mikasa who seem to be as equally lost as he is about what to do now.

Levi sighs, setting his cup down on the table beside Farlan’s abandoned one. “Don’t suppose I could trouble you brats to help me get this place cleaned up?”

“Oh, uh, sure,” Eren says, seizing the chance to clear the air of its awkwardness with both hands. “No problem.”

Levi hums, offering him the broom. “I’m warning you now, though, my standards are high.”

“I’m sure we can handle it,” Eren scoffs, taking the broom from him. 

Famous last words, as it turns out.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is one of the chapters that inspired this whole fic sdghfds. there are a couple and you'll know when they pop up bc i will Tell You, but yes, this one of them and i am so excited to share!!

It’s not the first time Farlan’s been pissed at Levi and it won’t be the last. They’ve known each other for years, after all, so altercations and disagreements are to be expected, especially when you take into account that Levi’s about as personable as a rock. Less so, in fact, because rocks can’t insult people when they’re being morons and Levi can and does. Farlan and Levi have arguments like everyone else, maybe a bit more physical because their particular backgrounds have taught them that actions speak far louder than words, but they never stay mad for long. Levi knows exactly how this is going to go and he knows that Farlan does, too. In a few days his friend will cool off and they’ll go back to exactly how things were before. Levi won’t apologise because he’s physically incapable of doing so, and Farlan won’t expect him to. They’ll just nod at each other in mutual understanding and move on.

Isabel’s anger stings a little, though. It’s not _pleasant_ having either of them angry at him but he’s a big boy, he’s not going to fall apart about it and besides, having a few days of some blessed peace more than makes up for the cold shoulders he’s getting from the two of them, but having sunshine-incarnate Isabel Magnolia out for your blood isn’t exactly far up on the list of Levi’s favourite things. Well, the list is pretty short anyway, but it’s still pretty low on it.

Farlan won’t talk to him, which is fine. Every time they catch each other’s gazes when they’re moving around each other in their tiny shared space he’ll duck his head and look quickly away, making himself scarce as soon as he possibly can. It’s easier for Isabel to avoid him because they don’t sleep in the same rooms, but where she’s giving him the silent treatment, she also won’t look at him at _all._ She’s probably hoping it’s hammering home just how angry she is with him, but honestly it’s just funny. She goes to such lengths to not look at him, to avert her eyes the moment he enters her vicinity, that she’ll just shut her eyes until he leaves, or until she can get away from him. She’s walked into the wall six times now, and she only started avoiding him yesterday.

Whatever. They’ll get over it, Levi knows this. And as much as the peace and quiet is pleasant enough, it gets pretty boring pretty fast not having the both of them chattering around him all hours of the day. There’s only so many times Levi can reread the same damn books over and over again while he waits for the winter to thaw so they can start training again, or wait for Shadis to give the word that they’re due to ship out to the scouts proper.

The bodies were cleared away in record time and judging by the queasy looks on Nairi and Callum’s faces the next time Levi passes them in the hall, he can hazard a pretty well educated guess about who drew that particular short straw. As far as Levi knows, none of the other cadets have been told about what happened, the only ones in the know being Eren and his little group of brats, the short one with unfortunate hair and the hard-eyed girl who looks weirdly familiar, but other than them, the rest of the kids are blissfully unaware.

Levi’s having a hard time stomaching that. He’s started paying more attention to the brats, not particularly unconsciously, because he’s on alert now for any further reprisals. He doesn’t know, nor does he particularly care, what Shadis plans to do with the information Levi gave him, but he doesn’t think Lovoff’s just going to let them off without a last ditch attempt to kill them. It’s not like Levi has anything better to do, what with Farlan and Isabel basically shunning him, so he’s taken to walking the grounds regularly throughout the day just to keep an eye out.

The break is grating on all the kids at last, is what Levi sees while he walks. The period of inactivity that they’d all probably been looking forward to at the start has finally started to wear on them. They’re bored, rightly so because the compound isn’t really equipped to entertain a gaggle of brats for the long term, and they’ve started acting out because of it, causing fights and making trouble for the instructors who’ve been given the unfortunate task of watching them. 

Eren’s group, though, seem to be causing the least amount of trouble and Levi’s willing to bet that’s down to the blonde kid, their own little voice of reason. Levi’s pretty sure Eren doesn’t have one of his own, so it’s good they have him. But the only reason Levi’s paying any attention to their group is because he’s still waiting for the inevitable moment when Eren’s brain catches up to what he did a few days ago. 

It’s unnatural that he doesn’t seem bothered by the fact that he killed two people just the other day. If you look at him - and Levi does whenever he passes by when he’s taking his daily constitutional around the compound - you’d never have guessed he’d even been hurt. The bruises beneath his eyes are already yellowing off after only a handful of days when they should be taking weeks, and whether that’s due to some medical magic on the compound doctor’s part or because Eren just heals fast Levi doesn’t know, but aside from the bandage taped to his forehead and the shadows under his eyes, he looks fine. Laughing and fighting with his classmates like he’s never known a moment of hardship in his life.

Levi wonders, with a surprising amount of envy, just how he does it. Hell, Jaeger’s probably one of the only few kids here who’ve seen anything close to the shit Levi has - worse, in some ways, yet though he struggles with his temper sometimes, he never really lets it bleed into what he does. He smiles widely, laughs loudly, ribs his friends when they irritate him, messes around like kids are meant to at fifteen. Granted, Levi isn’t privy to what Eren’s like in his private moments, but he still can’t understand just how Eren manages to compartmentalise so well.

Levi’s been like this since… Well, as long as he can remember. He doesn’t let his past affect his actions because he taught himself not to, but it doesn’t mean he’s not affected by it at all. He’s just trained himself how to react in all situations. It’s very difficult to catch Levi by surprise, mainly because he’s adopted a relentlessly pessimistic attitude with everything he does. Can’t get caught short if you’re always expecting the worst, after all. But when you trade off any kind of positivity, it’s hard to be pleased by anything. Okay, it’s not like Levi _never_ smiles, but it’s a rare enough thing that even he’s started to notice it.

A small part of Levi that he will never admit to possessing does wish he wasn’t like this, wishes he didn’t lock everything down underneath a mask of unflappable stoicism, but he supposes that’s just how he is. His life hasn’t exactly been sunshine and rainbows, but neither has Farlan’s or Eren’s or Isabel’s and _they_ still know how to laugh.

Whatever. No reason to dwell on it. Levi is how he is, set in his ways. He’s not going to change, doesn’t particularly want to.

Fucking hell, he’s only seventeen. 

Oh, wait. No, that’s not right, is it? He thinks back, counting the days in his head. They went into Stohess on the eighteenth, got back on the twenty-first, the day of the solstice. It’s been four days since then, which makes today the…

The twenty-fifth.

Fuck. Of course it is. Happens every year, how is he always surprised by it?

Levi huffs, breath misting in thick clouds in front of his face. He’s never really kept up with his birthday, only as a sort of personal tally to mark the fact that he’s managed to slog another year through the underground and survive. But this year is supposed to mean something, isn’t it? Eighteen years old, finally a man, for whatever the hell that’s supposed to be worth. He’s never celebrated it himself, put a blanket ban on it back when Isabel and Farlan got it into their heads that they should, never observed the day as anything more than just that, another day. The last time he’d properly observed the day for what it was, it had been because--

He cuts that thought off before it can go any further. No need to dwell on such things. Look forward, not back, wasn’t that the first thing Kenny had ever taught him? Well, maybe after the proper way to sharpen a knife, but they were probably close enough together that it doesn’t matter if Levi misremembers the order they came in.

Fucking hell. It all works in such cohesive ways, doesn’t it? December’s always been Levi’s least favourite month, but now it comes with winter which is Levi’s least favourite season. How considerate of the universe to lump all of Levi’s most hated things so close together for his hateful convenience.

He’d never admit to feeling miserable, wouldn’t ever give voice to the fact that he might be feeling just a tad sorry for himself, but right now he’d give literally anything to just sit with Farlan and Isabel and talk about literally nothing for a few hours with a hot cup of tea.

Well, he can have one of those things, at least.

“Hey, Levi!”

Or maybe not.

Levi turns instinctively at the sound of his name, though it’s being spoken by an unexpected voice. He knows it’s Eren, though, has heard the glottal drawl of his name too many times in the past few days not to recognise it, the harsh L, the drawn out vowels, the hard V. It’s a weird thing to focus on, but not a lot of people actually tend to use Levi’s name, so he’s not used to the variation. Farlan rarely uses it, Isabel calls him bro most of the time, Eren’s the only one who seems to want to use the appellation liberally.

Levi doesn’t really mind.

“Levi!” Eren says again and maybe Levi minds a _little,_ because unless the brat’s got shit in his eyeholes, he should be able to see that he’s already gotten Levi’s attention. He’s jogging over, waving his hands for good measure, having broken away from a small gaggle of brats all cloaked and geared up like they have somewhere to be.

“The fuck do you want, brat?” Levi asks, quirking a brow.

Eren skids to a stop, spraying icy snow across the bottoms of Levi’s pants and earning himself an equally frigid glare from the man in question. At least he has the sense to grimace in apology, but he’s lucky Levi doesn’t clock him for that. “We, uh, we’re heading into the forest for a bit of training on the gear. You want to come?”

Levi blinks at him. “What in the hell gave you the idea that I’d want to come freeze my balls off babysitting brats for hours?”

Eren actually has the stones to laugh at that, a loud, boisterous sound that isn’t entirely unpleasant. “It’s not babysitting, we know what we’re doing. Nairi basically kicked us out, said we should go burn off our energy. I think we’re driving her and Callum a bit crazy.”

“Right, and you want to inflict that on me, too? You’re not exactly making a good case for why I should come with you.”

Eren rolls his eyes. Honestly, the _balls_ this kid has. There aren’t a lot of people who’d dare to be so openly disrespectful to Levi, none who’ve lived to tell about it at least, and those who do definitely regret it. It’s not like Eren hasn’t seen what Levi can do, hell, the kid saw him kill two men just the other day. Fine, yes, Eren also killed two people, but still. It’s like he’s not scared of Levi at _all._

“You should come because apparently you’re some kind of whizz on the gear,” Eren continues, jerking a thumb over his shoulder towards where his friends are waiting, “and there’s a couple of people I’d really love for you to show up. Come on, it’ll be fun!” He gives Levi a pointed look. “And judging by the fact that you’ve been slogging around the grounds three times a day for the past few days, Farlan and Isa still aren’t talking to you.”

Levi’s eyes narrow. “So what are you? Next best thing?”

Eren cackles. “Hell no. You’d be scraping the bottom of the barrel with me and you know it. C’mon, Levi,” he drawls, stretching out the I for long enough that Levi seriously considers giving him another black eye. Seriously, how has the kid done it? The bruises are barely there anymore, just faint yellow smudges tinged with lilac in crescents under his eyes. They blend almost perfectly with his tanned skin so they’re difficult to see, even this close. “Come slum it with us for a bit! It might even wipe that sour look off your face.”

“This is just my face.”

Eren sucks on his teeth, hissing commiseratingly. “That sucks. Get well soon!”

That actually startles a laugh out of Levi, a sibilant _tch_ of an exhalation that’s more shocked than amused and Levi doesn’t care for that shit at _all._ Eren doesn’t give a shit, though, just grins like the little shit that he is and Levi sighs heavily with the knowledge that somehow - inexplicably - Eren has managed to win him over.

“Fine,” he grumbles. “Give me a minute to grab some gear. And one of you better absolutely eat shit out there or I’m coming back. Like, I’m talking face first into a tree trunk. That shit better be funny or I’m out.”

“God, you’re the worst,” Eren says, beaming. “Be quick, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

Despite his words, Levi is actually pretty quick about it, anticipatory in an unfamiliar but not at all unpleasant way. The equipment shed is unlocked and most of the gear is already gone, but thankfully Levi’s preferred set is still there from when he’d last polished it. He knows which set of gear he prefers since he’s the only one who ever bothers to clean the damn things properly, but his particular set has a deep scratch along the left scabbard that shows it’s seen battle; just like he has, he likes to think. Of course, he’d prefer his _old_ gear, but the sets that had served them so faithfully below ground had been confiscated when they’d been dragged up here. Still, Levi doesn’t mind this set too much, it’s well oiled and has a real sensitive trigger on the left side that makes for speedy anchoring, so it serves him just fine.

He toes his boots off to strap his harness on, hissing at the bite of chilled stone against the soles of his feet, but he’s adept enough to get the whole thing on quickly and shoves his feet back into the boots before the chill can properly set in. Once the gear is strapped on and tightened he shrugs his jacket back on and hurries out to where Eren is waiting with the rest of his friends, all faces Levi distantly recognises but doesn’t care enough to register names to. He can’t even remember the names of Eren’s friends most of the time, so he’s sure as shit not going to bother with the rest of the brats.

“Awesome,” Eren says when Levi joins them, grinning all over his face. “Right, everyone ready?”

“We’ve _been_ ready, Eren,” a skinny kid with a buzzcut says, folding his arms. “You’re the one we’re waiting on, numbnuts.”

Eren doesn’t respond verbally, just steps on the back of buzzcut’s heel as he turns away, causing him to yelp and stumble. Eren snickers childishly and Levi rolls his eyes, turning away to smirk in private. Eren’s such a little asshole, it’s no wonder he and Isabel get on so well. The brats bicker and shove each other like the kids they are, but for once Levi’s content enough to let them get on with it, unbothered by the antics because at least he’ll get an afternoon of flying out of it.

He never really appreciated it enough in the underground. It started off as more trouble than it was worth, mainly because stealing the gas canisters was a fucking nightmare, more so than getting the whole gear in the first place. It wasn’t until Farlan figured out what they used to create the gas that they were able to find their own source for it. Subterranean crystals, Farlan has said at the time, that released a gas when sufficiently compressed, and considering they lived underground, there was no shortage of them to be found in the darkest caverns of the subterranean city. The anchors and the wires also needed to be modified, to reach farther, hold stronger, respool faster, but that was nothing a few months of tinkering couldn’t solve. After that, Levi never wanted to go back. Flying high, rising above the shit in the city streets, was a high unlike anything else.

Up here it’s different, but the exhilaration is still the same and Levi will enjoy it while he can. Once their first expedition is done, he’ll likely never have the chance to fly again, not unless he wants to risk his hard-won freedom and above-ground citizenship by stealing again. He wonders if he’ll be able to do it, live completely clean, or if his old ways will drag him back again. He wonders how long it will take if they do.

“--vi? Hey, Levi?” A nudge draws him back to himself and he realises Eren’s been trying to get his attention for the past few minutes. “You good? We lost you for a sec there.”

Levi hardens his scowl. “What do you want?” 

Eren is unperturbed. “I was saying, you absolutely have to show off, okay? All your tricks, go absolutely wild. I want to see the look on Jean’s face when he realises that he actually sucks shit.”

 _”You_ suck shit,” one of the kids in front snaps back, a tall kid with mousy hair and an undercut, who’s got an unfortunately long face. “I’m not the one who ate shit the first time he got in the harness.”

“My gear was broken, dickwad,” Eren barks at him, eyes sparking. “And I held up in it even though it was broken. What can you do that I can’t?”

“Besides fly in a straight line, you mean?”

“Oh, _I’m_ sorry, who was the one who got his wires crossed trying to do a backflip? ‘Cause it wasn’t me!”

“At least I can do a backflip!”

“Oh, _bite_ me, Kirstein!”

Levi really isn’t intending to take sides, especially not over Eren who’s the only brat here he can actively tolerate, but he has to ask. “You can’t do a backflip?” He says to Eren, eyebrows raising. “That’s the easiest move, the hell’s wrong with you?”

Indignation flickers briefly across Eren’s face but only for a moment, replaced instead by a sort of sheepishness that doesn’t suit him. “I’m not actually that great on the gear,” he mumbles, shuffling his feet in the snow. “Like, I can move in it, but I overbalance a lot. I’m getting better, though! I’ll keep practicing until I’m the best!”

His disarming determination somehow manages to be both weirdly endearing and irritating all at once, Levi muses, giving Eren a calculating onceover. Overbalancing is a common issue, it’s what Isabel used to struggle with the most. That, and she’d get horrifically self-conscious with anyone watching her. Maybe Eren’s the same. It would make sense. Bolshy brat with something to prove and a crippling aversion to have people watching him with a critical eye. Shadis isn’t exactly the most personable instructor and his tactic of “yell until the little shits do better” seems to work with enough of the recruits that he sees no reason to adjust it.

“Well, show me what you've got,” Levi offers against his better judgement. “We’ll see whether you’re shit or if you’re just doing it wrong.”

Eren perks up like a damn puppy, eyes practically sparkling. “Oh, hell yeah!” He says, looking dangerously close to actually bouncing in place in his exuberance. “Man, I’ve been _dying_ to ask you guys for pointers.”

“He has,” the Jean kid adds, throwing it over his shoulder. “You’ve got your own little one-man fanclub in Eren here. He was so excited to ask you to join us he nearly wet himself.”

“I’m flattered?” Levi says, glancing at Eren whose face is burning red. Okay, now Levi actually does want to show off a little bit, just to put horseface in his place. Not for Eren, but for himself. Levi’s never been a showoff, but he is secretly a bit more prideful than he lets on. Nothing wrong with being proud of your skills, and if it wipes the insufferable smirk off of an arrogant brat’s face, even better.

They make their way through the trees to the training ground that’s covered with pristine snow, untouched since their training year ended and the last snowfall. The titan dummies are still erected, which will give them something to work with if they want to keep scores, and Levi’s pretty confident he can wipe the floor with all of the kids present without much effort. There’s Eren and his sister, Jean and the kid with the buzzcut, a mild-faced kid with freckles, a girl with brown hair scraped into a messy ponytail, and Levi. Not too many to keep count of, should anything go south or anyone get injured. Not that Levi’s going to care much if it does, but as the adult of the group he supposes he does have some modicum of responsibility to not let Shadis’ trainees get mangled in a gear-related accident.

No matter how funny it might be.

There isn’t really any rhyme or reason to the training they want to do, if it can even be called that. Each of the brats anchor their gears and zip off in different directions, wobbling around for the first few minutes while their bodies readjust after their break. They aren’t too bad for newbies, Levi has to admit, and worse the Jean kid has a pretty smooth glide on him, so it turns out he’s arrogant for a reason. The brown-haired girl and buzzcut don’t seem to give the slightest of shits about finesse, though, just pissing about in the treetops like a bunch of idiots, but that’s fine, Levi’s not here for them.

Not that he’s here for anyone else, but it’s Eren he’s most interested in watching.

“Go on, ‘kasa, I’ll catch you up in a minute,” Eren says to his girl, unholstering his triggers and giving them a few testing clicks. The girl nods, fastening her ratty scarf tighter around her neck and giving Levi a brief, indecipherable look before firing her anchors and taking off. Levi watches her go for lack of anything better to do and has to admit that out of all the kids present, she’s probably got the most skill. She doesn’t wobble, doesn’t overbalance, just flies straight and sure, flipping with a neat little flourish and landing on a thick branch for just a second before she fires again and speeds off with a tight spin.

“Your sister’s got talent,” Levi comments, watching her freefall for a few seconds in a tight spiral before launching her anchors and darting off sharply to the left. 

“Yeah, she’s a fuckin’ prodigy,” Eren says, sounding slightly put out. “She’s always been that way, good at anything she tries. We used to joke that she was my folks’ favourite kid, even though she wasn’t really theirs.”

“That’s a pretty grim joke.”

“Nah, it was funny at the time. I’m still so jealous, but it’s fine. Everyone has their strengths, I guess. It’s just that hers is “everything all the time”.” He laughs lightly. “Right, I’m good to go. You?”

By way of answer, Levi fires an anchor into a distant bough, letting the respooling wire wrench him backwards off the ground. The rush is the same as it always is, deep and intense, the exhilarating lift and weightlessness, the thrumming burn in his blood. He retracts the anchor and soars up, up, until the drag slows his momentum and sends him into a freefall. With a tight whip of his arms he sends himself spiralling like a corkscrew as he careens earthward, firing off his anchor at the last moment to catch himself. The resulting jerk as the wire pulls taught sends him soaring back upwards again and he flips back, once, twice, knees tight to his chest, and with another well-aimed shot of his anchors he’s brought sailing towards a trunk that he braces himself against with the soles of his boots, panting a little from the sheer thrill of flight.

There are several pairs of wide eyes fixed on him.

“Holy _shit!”_ Eren yells from far below. Levi glances down, watches the kid jump and wave at him, hollering excitedly. “Holy _shit,_ Levi!”

Levi allows himself the smallest of smiles, pushing off the trunk and firing an anchor to carry him back down to the ground, a few feet from where Eren is standing. The kid runs over the moment Levi lands and for a terrifying moment, Levi thinks the kid might try to hug him. He doesn’t, thank god, but he does grab Levi’s shoulder, shaking him lightly in his excitement. Levi permits it because he’s not going to sour his display by breaking the kid’s nose again. 

“That was insane!” Eren cries. “Isabel said you were good, I had no idea you were _that_ good! It’s like you were born to use the gear! Levi, that was incredible!”

Levi opens his mouth to tell Eren to fuck off good-naturedly, lifts a hand to even shove him lightly for good measure. Levi’s not exactly used to getting compliments, but he’s gotten a few over the years, mostly when it comes to his gear. Usually it’s Isabel, who always used to gush whenever he’d get ambitious with his movements, sometimes Farlan though he’d always been a bit less enthusiastic with his praises. Levi doesn’t dislike the praise, per se, but it’s mostly unnecessary, though the slack-jawed shock on the instructors’ faces when he’d let rip for the first time in front of them had been deeply satisfying. 

Point is, Levi’s good at deflecting Isabel’s particular brand of compliments and Eren’s is similar, so Levi’s prepared to respond as he usually does and deflect them.

Or he would be, if his cheeks didn’t feel peculiarly hot. The “fuck off” that he wants to hit Eren with doesn’t come, lodges somewhere uncomfortably in his throat and he actually has to cough in an attempt to shift it. What the _hell?_ He actually is kind of flattered which makes _no_ sense. But the sight of Eren’s eyes, wide and bright and so full of awed excitement has reached a part of Levi’s pride he didn’t even know needed to be praised.

“Thanks,” he manages, dismayed to find his voice a little hoarse. He clears his throat again, hoping the traitorous flush in his cheeks will be attributed to windchill and not whatever the fuck _this_ is. Levi doesn’t care for this shit in the slightest. Harsher than he intends he snaps at Eren, “pick your jaw up off the floor and show me what you’ve got then, brat.”

Eren’s far too excited by Levi’s display to take offense to the bite in Levi’s tone, which is fine, even if part of Levi would actually welcome a fight. He gets a reprieve, though, when Eren jogs back a few steps, raising his triggers and breaking into a sprint. He’s showing off, Levi can tell, but it’ll at least make the display more interesting. Funnier, too, if it goes wrong, which part of Levi is secretly hoping for.

Eren fires his anchors a half second before he leaps into the air, the spitting hiss of the gas firing and the whir of his wires a cacophonous din in the otherwise silent forest. He’s timed his jump well and his aim is immaculate, Levi has to admit, his anchors hitting branches dead on and sinking deep. At the height of Eren’s jump he reels the wires in, the spooling granting him the momentum necessary to carry him forward. A good start, strong enough, but his overall glide is choppy. He wobbles and leans a little too hard to the left to overcompensate for being right-side dominant, but he’s not terrible. It’s a simple issue, one that can be solved relatively easily.

Kid’s trying too hard. Levi could’ve told him _that_ without ever seeing him fly.

Eren’s too paranoid about being watched to take risks, preferring to simply shoot and reel in a loop around the training circuit. He carries out the motions exactly as he was taught to, Levi can’t fault him there. He’s too focused, though, on getting the technique right that he isn’t feeling the gear as he should. He’s using it like a tool to be wielded rather than as an extension of his body. Levi narrows his eyes, watching Eren’s every move with an assessing eye. He knows exactly how he can help, which isn’t surprising, but more than that he _wants_ to show Eren how to do better, which is. It was a given that Levi would help Isabel after they took her in. Eren’s an outlier that Levi doesn’t benefit from helping in any way.

“Eren!” Levi calls as the kid prepares to make another lackluster loop. Eren glances at him and nods once and Levi’s glad the kid’s far enough away not to see him clearly, because what he does next actually makes Levi’s eyes widen.

He sees it the moment it happens, the moment Eren shifts from overthinking to instinct, and the difference is palpable. To stop himself, Eren dislodges his right anchor and fires a jet of gas from his gear to shift his momentum into a tidy half-spin. From there he fires off his second anchor to completely change his direction in midair. The anchor he dislodged fires into the ground a few feet from Levi and carries Eren to a neat stop with enough momentum that he has to jog a few steps before he slows.

Levi does the first thing he can think of, which is to flick Eren hard right between the eyes.

“Ow, _fuck_ ,” Eren splutters, reaching up to cup his forehead. “The hell was that for?”

“Irrelevant,” Levi snaps. “What the hell was that display, brat? You absolutely half-ass the circuit and then pull that little stunt right at the end? Explain yourself.”

“What stunt?” Eren demands, nostrils flaring. “I didn’t half-ass anything, I was concentrating--”

“Yes, too hard,” Levi interrupts, folding his arms. “I could see the gears in your tiny brain going haywire. You’re too focused, _that’s_ your problem. I know brute force and determination are the only tools in your very limited repertoire, but making me sit through _that_ was just cruel.” He raises his hand to flick Eren again but the boy skitters back so Levi shrugs and kicks him hard in the shin instead.

“Would you fuck _off!”_ Eren yells, wincing. “I don’t understand what I did wrong!”

“I just told you,” Levi says, drawing back for another kick. Eren yelps and darts far enough away that Levi can’t reach him. “You’re overthinking. It’s all well and good memorising technique, but the gear’s all about risks and instinct, which I know you have because I just watched you do it.” Levi sneers. “Anyone can follow orders, any idiot can use a tool. You have to _feel_ the gear. You shouldn’t be using it to carry you, you should be letting it _guide_ you.”

“Well, how in the hell am I meant to do that?” Eren demands.

“Easy,” Levi says, and lunges for him.

Eren doesn’t even have time to widen his eyes before Levi’s got an arm around his waist, firm enough to knock the breath from his lungs and shock him long enough for Levi to fire off an anchor and carry them up into the treetops.

“All of you keep the fuck back,” Levi yells at the kids who’ve been watching the whole time. Mainly it’s for Eren’s sister’s benefit because she looks like she’s seconds away from pouncing. “If any of you try to help him, I’ll hamstring the lot of you.”

Eren struggles but with Levi’s vice-like grip around his waist he can’t do much other than flail like a dying fish. Levi has to overcompensate a bit, banking left heavily and trusting his left-side anchor to carry him since he can’t fire as well with Eren held fast on his right, but he gets far enough up into the trees for what he needs, setting them down rather roughly on the thickest branch he can find a good fifty feet up from the ground. He dumps Eren’s ass unceremoniously on the bough and leans down, drawing his knife from inside his boot and using the edge of the blade to unscrew a bolt in the right trigger of Eren’s gear.

“The hell are you doing?” Eren demands but he doesn’t shove Levi away. A wise move, considering Levi would kick his ass off this branch if he tried it. Well, he’s going to do that anyway, but Eren doesn’t need to know that yet.

Once the screw is out, Levi flips the trigger and does the same to the other side, leveraging it open and unhooking the trigger mechanism. He waggles the piece of curved metal in front of Eren’s face before closing his fingers around it.

“You’re going to get to the ground without it,” Levi tells him with a fierce sort of satisfaction curling his lips. “Try not to die, because you’re only going to be able to use your left trigger.”

Eren’s eyes widen. “I’m right-handed,” he protests, somewhat weakly.

“Mm, I noticed. Try not to die, Jaeger, I’ve already saved your ass once this week.”

“I can’t use the gear like this!” Eren tries again with more volume this time. “It’s a fifty-foot drop!”

Levi leans over the branch with a thoughtful hum. “So it is,” he says mildly, and shoves Eren off the branch.

Their audience voice their shock in unison, crying out variations of Eren’s name like he’s going to die, like Levi isn’t braced and ready to catch him if needed, but judging by the way Eren’s body coils in the air like a falling cat righting itself, Levi needn’t have bothered. It’s satisfying to be proved right, he thinks as he watches Eren curl his left arm in, throwing the right out as counterbalance and spreading his legs to spread out his weight. Levi watches with a quiet sort of approval as Eren’s body works instinctively to save itself, gas jets hissing as they work overtime to counteract his downward momentum.

Eren spins gracefully once, twice, thrice, then spreads his limbs so he’s facing up and that’s the moment he fires his anchor, sinking its bladed hooks into the branch Levi’s perched on. Cheeky bastard. Levi smirks and watches as Eren winches himself up at the last moment, flipping backwards ten feet from the ground before he dislodges the anchor and lands, heavily, on his feet. He’s not stupid enough to try and stick the landing and throws himself forward into a roll that his legs are too shaky to carry him through. He ends up skidding a foot or so through the snow and dirt before flopping over onto his back and panting breathlessly up at the sky.

Levi hums, pleased, and drops from the branch, firing one anchor to lower himself down. The kids all descend as one, hollering excitedly as they crowd around Eren, helping him sit up, brushing snow and dirt from his clothes.

“See?” Levi says, shoving buzzcut out of the way and grabbing Eren’s hand to haul his ass to unsteady feet. Since this whole thing was Levi’s doing, he lets Eren brace himself on his shoulders while he gets his breath back and waits for the adrenaline to ebb from his twitching limbs. “Fucking immaculate, Jaeger. Well done.”

Eren laughs, high and shaky. “I don’t even know what I did.”

“It looked _sick,_ Eren!” Buzzcut yells, clapping Eren on the back. “Holy shit, when Levi shoved you off I thought you were a goner! But no, you were like _whoosh_ and you did this fucking spin, it looked so cool!”

Eren’s face flushes red, all the way up to the tips of his ears. Levi flicks one of them on a whim and smirks when Eren squawks at him. “Fucking told you, didn’t I? Instinct. Trust your fucking gear, Eren. It’s an extension of you.”

“Okay,” Eren says, exhaling slowly. “Now can you fucking fix it, please? I want another go round the circuit.”

Levi nods his approval. “Damn right you do. Only this time, do it _better.”_

Eren grins, throwing Levi a lazy salute. “Yes, sir.”

Levi pushes him over.


	13. Chapter 13

None of the other kids relax enough around Levi to include him in their camaraderie and ribbing, which suits Levi just fine because he’d hate to ruin a good day by thumping one of them for a badly-timed insult. It’s fine, though, Eren teases Levi enough for the rest of them and Levi gives as good as he gets because Eren’s incredibly easy to bounce off of. The day passes in a whir of adrenaline, flight, and a steadily growing pile of empty gas canisters and Levi honestly can’t remember the last time he felt so light-hearted.

They have to call it a day when the light dims too much for them to be able to see clearly because none of them are too keen on injuring themselves when they can’t see more than a foot in front of their faces. That, and they’ve been out here so long that brown-ponytail has started to whine pitifully about starvation. She makes a point, though, all this zipping around has left Levi famished and so their little group begins the trek back to the compound.

Eren’s fucking glowing, there’s no other word for it. He’s got a vibrant grin plastered over his face that practically lights up the darkening forest around them, beyond pleased with himself and for good reason. Levi’s spent the majority of the afternoon getting Eren out of his own head, teaching him how to use his gear like it’s part of him and he has to admit, the kid’s a quick study. He’s got the determination, but beneath that is a keen mind and a deep desire to learn that’s impressive in its intensity. He’s easy to work with, even for Levi who’s never had the patience necessary for teaching, but again Eren just makes it so easy.

The look on Jean’s face when Eren had executed a fucking flawless backflip into a nosedive had been priceless, though.

They break off when they get back to the compound proper, Jean, Mikasa and the others speeding ahead to the mess hall to get dinner before it’s gone, but Levi hangs back when Eren places a hand on his arm. That’s something about the kid Levi could do without, the tactility and easy touching, but everyone has their flaws and for the most part as soon as Eren clocks the displeased expression on Levi’s face he backs right off.

He does it now, carefully retracting his hand when Levi gives him a pointed glance, curling his fingers into a loose fist and letting it drop back to his side. “Listen,” he says, uncharacteristically hesitant. “I… Thanks. Not just for showing me how to work the gear, but for the other day when you… Yeah. You’re fun, Levi, I really hope we can be friends?”

He looks so damn hopeful that Levi’s momentarily lost for words. His knee-jerk response is to tell the kid to fuck off - mildly - because Levi’s got all the friends he needs, thanks, even if they’re not currently on speaking terms. Besides, in a short while Levi’ll be riding out with the scouts and they’ll literally never see each other again, so there’s really no point.

Thing is, though, Eren’s alright. And coming from Levi, that’s the highest of praise. He doesn’t particularly _like_ the kid, but he doesn’t hate him, tolerates him moreso than he does other people, so it’s for that reason Levi doesn’t tell him to fuck off like he normally would. Instead he regards Eren for a long moment, mostly just to see him squirm uncomfortably, before he rolls his eyes and reaches up to ruffle his messy hair like he would a dog.

Well, if he’s going to act like a damn puppy all the time, why shouldn’t Levi treat him like one?

“You’re alright, kid,” Levi tells him. “I don’t know what it is you’re after, but you can stick around if you want. It’s not going to get any better, though. Like, there’s no hidden softness waiting for you if you get close to me. I’m not going to treat you any different. You’ve seen how I treat Isabel and Farlan, right?”

Eren grumbles about having his hair ruffled, actually dares to shove Levi’s arm away from him which is all kinds of amusing. He really is fearless, this little brat. Levi might not be overly fond of him, but he can respect that he has a pair on him to treat Levi the way he does. “I don’t want you to act different,” Eren says, reaching up to smooth his hair before giving it up as a lost cause. I like how you are.”

Levi looks at him. “Yeah, alright,” he says, snorting. “You’ve got a weird sense of humour. It really is no wonder Isabel took a shine to you. She’s just as weird as you are.”

“It’s not a joke!” Eren protests. “I _do_ like you. You’re like… You don’t take any shit. You don’t care about what anyone thinks of you and you treat everyone the same no matter what. I like you, Levi.”

Levi opens his mouth but doesn’t really have a response for that. He’s very rarely… No, scratch that, he’s _never_ had anyone say anything like that to him before and he’s not really sure what to make of it. Eren’s no help, all wide eyes and that relentless earnestness that’s as annoying as it is amusing, but there’s no answer to be found in his eyes, no matter how bright they are. At a loss, Levi just huffs and shoves him, a little harder than he means to, if Eren’s yelp and stagger is any indication. “Whatever. Fine, I’ll be your _friend,_ you snot-nosed little brat. God, everything that comes out of your mouth is either filth or the most prepubescent garbage. How do you live like this?”

“Practice,” Eren says with a laugh. He boxes Levi’s shoulder lightly. “Anyway, thanks. Tell Isabel and Farlan I said hi, okay? When they talk to you again, I mean. And if they take a while to come round, we’ve got a couple more days until training starts again, you can come hang out with us.”

“Yes,” Levi says flatly. “Because there’s nothing I want more in the world than to hang out with a bunch of bratty teenagers.”

“You spent the afternoon hanging with a bunch of bratty teenagers,” Eren points out. “You _are_ a bratty teenager.”

Levi scoffs and raises an arm to cuff Eren round the head for the hundredth time today, but Eren just laughs and dodges low, the same way he has for the last ninety-six times. “See you around, Levi. And hey, just some friendly advice, seeing as we’re _friends_ now--”

“ _Don’t_ push your luck--”

“--But maybe saying “I’m sorry” might help. Y’know, with Farlan and Isa. You never know.”

“Yeah, yeah. Get going before I throw you out of another tree.”

Eren bounds away, somehow still bursting with energy despite their workout this afternoon and Levi’s stomach rumbles loudly enough to urge him into moving as well, though he’s not too keen on spending any more time with brats today, he takes the long way round to the kitchens, sneaking in to grab a couple of protein bars and a half loaf of bread and some cheese to take back to the barracks with him. He’s absolutely starving now that he thinks about it, but it’s been a long time since it was that gut-wrenching empty sensation he got so used to below ground. That’s one of the best things about living up here, he thinks, tearing a chunk of bread off the loaf with his teeth before he’s even back to the room. Hot food three times a day, no more hunger pangs that are severe enough to make him vomit.

It’s not all bad, he supposes. It’s the first time he’s really felt like he could make a go of something up here. Maybe if he starts to miss the gear after he’s settled into his life above ground he could become an instructor. Wouldn’t that be funny?

He lets himself into the barracks using his elbow to press the door handle down because his hands are full and is rather surprised to see Isabel and Farlan sitting at the table with a deck of cards between them. They must not have anticipated him coming back so early. For the past few nights they’ve been spending the evenings in Isabel’s quarters, Farlan waiting until it’s late enough that he can sneak in while Levi’s asleep, or at least when he pretends to be. Levi’s never slept much and he sleeps even less up here, for whatever contrived reason that may be.

They turn to him when he steps inside and it’s the first time they’ve looked at him in three days. He doesn’t smile and neither do they, but they don’t look away from him so Levi’s cautiously optimistic that they’ve finally decided to stop avoiding him. He tosses his food down onto his bed and sets about unbuckling his harness. He’ll polish the gear before he goes to bed and return it in the morning, but he’d been distracted talking to Eren and hadn't thought to stop by the equipment shed before grabbing some food.

Isabel and Farlan don’t speak, just watch him as he methodically unbuckles each clasp on the gear. It’s irritating but snapping at them to fuck off won’t go over well and Levi’s more worn out from an afternoon spent flying than he’d like to admit, so starting an argument won’t go well. He doesn’t even particularly want to fight with them, he’s actually really fucking sick of them avoiding him, but there’s not much he can do about it until they grow the fuck up and get over themselves.

_But maybe saying “I’m sorry” might help._

Oh, fuck this. Fuck that Jaeger kid in particular.

Keeping his back turned to them, Levi draws in a slow breath through his nose. “Listen,” he begins, frowning at the wall. God, why is this so difficult? What was it that made Levi decide living his life unapologetically was the best way to deal with shit? Oh, right, it was probably having to fight tooth and nail to survive from birth. Yeah, that would do it. Fucking _hell._

“Listen,” he tries again. God, he hates repeating himself. “I shouldn’t have made the decision to challenge Lovoff without you. I just got so damn sick of letting other people play with our lives and I wanted out. I get that you’re pissed that I put Jan in danger, but I did what I thought I had to. And… For what it’s worth, I asked Sairam to keep an eye out. He agreed.”

There’s a sigh from somewhere behind him, but it’s too low for him to determine if it’s from Farlan or Isabel. Whichever one of them it was doesn’t matter, but it’s Farlan who breaks their vow of silence.

“It was never about that,” he begins, cutting off with a hiss following a loud thud. Isabel’s kicked him under the table, then. “Okay, it was a bit about that. But mostly it was because you never learn. You think you have to do everything by yourself. We’ve been friends for _years_ now and you never rely on us. It’s like you don’t trust us.”

“I do trust you,” Levi murmurs, boring holes into the wall with his gaze. “I just don’t really know how to go about getting your input for these things. It never occurs to me in the moment. I’d rather get shit done quickly than agonise over the possibilities.”

“Yeah, but how will you know you made the right choice?” Isabel counters. “You’ve got killer instincts, bro, but there’s still the chance you could make a bad call. We haven’t survived this long just because you’re strong. We know how to take care of ourselves too, y’know?”

Levi closes his eyes, allows himself a small smile where he can’t be seen. _Bro..._ He never thought he’d miss that stupid fucking nickname so much. “I know you do. I’m… sorry.”

There’s a gasp - definitely Farlan - and then something solid slams into Levi’s back, making him grunt. Isabel’s scrawny arms cinch around his waist like they’re trying to squeeze the life out of him and she gives a muffled sob against the small of his back. He sighs and pats her hands where they’re clasped against his stomach, unable to turn and pat her head like he normally would, not without forcefully dislodging her at least.

“Farlan?” He says over his shoulder. “Little help?”

“Nah, man, you’re on your own,” Farlan says, laughing. “You really piss me off sometimes, you know that?”

Levi grunts when Isabel tightens her grip. “Yeah, you’ve told me once or twice.”

“Never thought I’d hear you apologise, though. You go flying to clear your head? Fresh air clear out the cobwebs and shit ideas?”

“Not with that specific intention in mind, but yeah, pretty much. Isabel, can you _please?”_

“No,” Isabel mumbles into his back, which is suspiciously wet now and she’d better _hope_ that’s from tears and not drool or Levi’s going to give her something to _really_ cry about. “This is your punishment for upsetting me. Accept your punishment!”

Levi heaves a sigh and sets about turning them round, shuffling his feet and rotating them both so that he can face Farlan, not without some difficulty because Isabel absolutely will not let go. “This is the worst,” he intones flatly, smirking at Farlan. “This is the worst punishment I’ve ever had to endure. Please. Make it stop. Let this torture end.”

“Serves you right!” Isabel yells and Farlan cackles, reaching across the table for a steaming teacup that he hands to Levi. He takes it gratefully, resigning himself to another fifteen minutes of this, until Isabel gets bored enough to let him go.

“You were gone for a while,” Farlan says, gathering up the cards to shuffle them and deal again to include Levi. “Did you have fun?”

“Not in so many words,” Levi says, trying to reach for the bread he discarded and huffing when Isabel growls. “Fucking get off, then, idiot!” She growls again and Levi shoves his foot back to kick her. “I got roped into babysitting the cadets.”

“Really?” Farlan’s brows raise. “By who?”

“Eren. Cornered me outside and hounded me into joining them. Apparently they were doing Nairi’s head in so she sent them off with their gear. I think she was hoping they’d wear themselves out so she could get them to nap. Bunch of fucking toddlers.”

“Bet that was a fucking nightmare,” Farlan says, folding the deck expertly. 

“It… wasn’t the worst.”

Farlan’s fingers falter on the cards and he snaps his head up to stare at Levi incredulously. Isabel’s arms slacken around Levi’s waist in her surprise and he seizes his moment to shove her off and snatch up his food, retreating to his chair at the far side of the table before she can grab him again. He points a warning finger at her when she makes an attempt to lunge for him.

“The hell?” Farlan splutters, brows up to practically his hairline. “Who the hell are you and what have you done with Levi?”

“Fuck off,” Levi says round a mouthful of cheese, kicking him in the shin. “Look, there were only like six of them and they kept to themselves mostly. That girl that’s always around Eren, Mikasa? She’s a natural at the gear. Easily best in the class. There’s another kid that’s pretty good but he’s an asshole about it.”

“What about Eren?” Isabel asks with some interest, slinking back to her own chair. She tries to sneak one of the protein bars and Levi slaps her hand away. She cradles it to her chest, pouting.

“He sucked shit,” Levi says, washing the bread down with a sip of tea. Oversteeped, but it’s warm and after his day outside, that’s the best he can hope for. “His takeoff was fine, he’s got good aim, but his glide was rocky and he looked like he was taking the trickiest shit of his life the entire time.”

“Oh,” Isabel says, looking crestfallen. “Man, that sucks. I was hoping he’d be like a prodigy or something. He always seems so confident, you expect him to be able to do anything.”

A fair enough assessment, Levi supposes. Eren’s got that kind of attitude about him, talks a big game, sure, but it’s painfully obvious he’s hiding a mountain of insecurities. Who wouldn’t with an actual prodigy for a sister? “He overthinks it, that’s all,” Levi says, lifting his cards when Farlan deals him in. Mh. Shit hand. “Aces high?” Farlan nods. “Alright.”

“Well, overthinking isn’t going to help him.” Isabel groans. “I really want to train with them. I bet we could show them a thing or two!”

“I did,” Levi says, reordering his cards. Mm, he could probably swing a nice flush if he’s patient. Depends, though. “Threw him out of a tree.”

“Oh, man, I love that trick,” Farlan says. “Bet he shit himself. How low did he get before you had to save his ass? Ten feet? Fifteen?”

Levi sips his tea. “I didn’t.”

Farlan and Isabel look at him. “What?” Farlan asks. Literally, his eyebrows cannot get any higher, there’s no more room on his forehead.

“I didn’t,” Levi says again, a curl of satisfaction spreading low in his gut, pride on Eren’s behalf. “Shoved him off the branch - it’s a bit less terrifying when you haven’t got stalagmites waiting to spear you, I’ll admit, so I took him a bit higher than I did for you guys. But I shoved him off the tree and he righted himself in a second, flipped round and landed happily as you like. Skidded a bit, but it was pretty decent.”

“Shit,” Farlan breathes, leaning back in his chair. “Well, height’s fine, it’s far scarier when you’re plummeting towards a spike pit.”

“Mm.” Levi waits for a moment before speaking again. “I dismantled his right trigger.”

Isabel spits out her mouthful of tea. Farlan yells a wordless cry of dismay and jumps up, having been soaked all down his front. For once, Levi lets himself laugh at that, a soft exhalation through his nose.

“You didn’t!” Isabel cries, tea dripping down her chin. “Levi, he could’ve died!”

“He didn’t, though,” Levi counters, unwrapping one of the protein bars. He snaps off a chunk and pops it into his mouth, chewing slowly. God, it tastes like paper. “Like I said, he made a pretty decent save… Actually, no, it was immaculate. Kid’s got talent but he gets too in his head about it. The minute he stops thinking and starts feeling, that’s when it comes out. Wiped a few smug looks off his friend’s faces.”

“Shit,” Farlan says, shrugging on a clean shirt. He jabs a finger at Isabel. “Laundry’s on you tomorrow, you little shit.” He drops down into his seat, pushing a hand through his hair. “I can’t believe you locked his gear and threw him out of a tree. You never did that to us.”

“He needed the push,” Levi says with a shrug. “Call it a calculated risk.”

“Now I _have_ to see him fly,” Isabel says fiercely. “I can’t believe you got there first, I’m so pissed. He’s _my_ friend.”

Levi elbows her. “You can have him,” he says, stuffing the last of the bar into his mouth. “Though he did get all cuddly after I showed him the ropes. Batting those lashes at me, all “oh, Levi, thank you for showing me the joy of flight, how can I ever repay you?”.”

Isabel slaps his shoulder, scowling. “He did _not.”_

“He did. Jealous?”

“No! Gross!”

“Yeah, it’s not Eren Isabel has a crush on,” Farlan says, regarding his own cards like they’re the most interesting thing in the world. Isabel squeaks, face turning a rather alarming shade of red.

“Oh, is it not?” Levi asks, leaning forward to rest his chin in his palm. “Could’ve fooled me.”

“It’s never been like that!” Isabel protests, flush deepening. “God, you two are the worst. I was just glad to have a friend that wasn’t you two old bastards.”

“Riiiight,” Levi drawls. “So who’s the lucky fella you’re actually sweet on?”

“It’s not a fella,” Farlan says. 

Isabel shrieks. “Shut up, shut up, shut up!”

“Oh?” Levi asks with some interest. “Oh, I bet I can guess.”

“I hate you! I hate you both so much!”

“You get three guesses and the first two don’t count,” Farlan says.

“Right, let’s think…”

“Stop it! You’re both horrible!”

Levi clicks his fingers. “It’s Nairi.”

“And he got it in one!” Farlan crows, making cards flutter down like confetti. Isabel groans and slams her forehead down onto the table.

“Could be worse,” Levi comments, patting Isabel’s head before tugging one of her pigtails. “Could’ve fallen for Shadis. Or Callum. Or Eren. You know, I really thought it would be him. What’s the matter, you don’t like tall and angry?”

“I hate you,” Isabel mumbles weakly. “When you get a crush I’m going to mock the shit out of you.”

“Yeah, fat chance of that,” Levi says. “Looking after you two shits is a full time job. I’m basically a single parent. When the hell would I ever have time to pick someone up? Also, a “crush”? What am I, an eight year old girl?”

“Maybe you’ll find a nice scout to settle down with,” Farlan offers. “If they’re mad enough to enlist in the survey corps, they’d be the right level of unhinged to be able to stand you.”

“Yeah, good idea. Just as long as a titan doesn’t decide to make a snack out of my intended. That’d be a hell of a short honeymoon.”

Farlan laughs so hard he snorts and in spite of her embarrassment, Isabel can’t help but join in. Levi just shakes his head fondly, relieved beyond all reason to be enjoying their company again. 

“Do you ever think about it?” Farlan asks as he collects their cards and deals them in again. “That we might end up married with kids someday?”

Levi shudders. “I actively try not to. Raising you two shits put me off the idea of parenthood for life.”

“Well, maybe not the kids, then,” Farlan amends. “But the settling down part? I mean, I’m gonna get Jan to make an honest man out of me the first chance we get. It’s gonna be so good. A house above ground, a fuckin’ _garden._ I can’t fucking wait.”

“It’ll be good for the both of you,” Levi says generously. “If you time it well, Jan might never have to go back down below ground again.”

“That’s what I’m hoping,” Farlan sighs, eyes distant. “He deserves so much better.”

“You both do,” Levi says generously. He nudges Isabel. “You as well. You both better settle down and be happy, okay? And set a place at the table for me when you remember me through the rosy haze of your disgustingly happy marriages. Just don’t expect me to give a speech, I’ve got too many stories that aren’t appropriate for polite company.”

“Are you kidding?” Farlan says. “That’s the only reason I’d get married.”

“You act like such a grumpy shit,” Isabel says, shaking her head. “I bet you’ll be the first one of us to settle down.”

Levi snorts. “Not fucking likely. I don’t work like that, Isa, I’ve told you.” He has, many times, but the brat’s such a romantic at heart that she won’t leave well enough alone. It’s bizarre, given how they were raised, that Farlan and Isabel have managed to hold onto such an idealistic view of romance and all the disgusting shit that comes with it. Marriage is an above-ground concept, after all. None of that shit below ground where beatings replace kisses and knife wounds replace tender words. Levi’s seen the other side of it, grew up around it, no matter what his mother did to try and shield him from it. He knows what it’s really like and he wants no part in it.

He’ll let Farlan and Isabel have their happiness, though. No point shitting all over it just because Levi’s seen what no one should ever have to.

“I’m not giving up on you,” Isabel says for quite possibly the millionth time, just like she does every time they talk about this. “We’ll find you someone nice, someone you’ll fall head over heels for, and then you’ll stop being such an unbearable grump all the fucking time.”

“Yeah, you do that,” Levi says mildly. “If you can find someone half decent with the patience of a saint, who doesn’t mind shit jokes and can deal with my shit full time, I’ll kiss them square on the fucking mouth. I’ll get hitched before you can scratch your ass.”

Isabel’s eyes gleam. “Is that a promise?”

“Yeah, that’s a promise, kid. They’ve gotta be a decent fighter, too. Smart, mouthy, not irritating. Clean. Knows how not to oversteep tea-- An art that, may I just add, is absolutely _lost_ on you, Farlan, you fucking philistine.”

“Yeah, yeah, bite me.”

“If you can find me someone like that, I’ll lock that shit down quick as you please.”

Isabel holds her hand out. “Shake on it.” She wiggles her fingers. With an exaggerated eye roll, Levi reaches out to shake her hand.

“Deal,” he says, withdrawing his hand with a grimace. “God, how are your hands always so fucking clammy? It’s disgusting.”

Isabel wipes her hands on her pants. “They're not clammy, it’s from when I spat my tea at Farlan.”

“Well, go and fucking wash them, then!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the FORESHADOWING of it all


	14. Chapter 14

Throughout the entirety of his first full year of training, Eren’s body has _never_ ached this much. Yeah, Shadis is practically a slave driver, and throughout the year Eren’s body had been battered and bruised and bloodied from ceaseless drills and combat routines until he could complete them in his sleep, but this ache is different, better. It settles right down to his bones and he can’t so much as turn his head to the left without his entire body radiating with it.

He is _exceptionally_ pleased with himself.

In a roundabout way, it’s all Levi’s fault, but not in a bad way. Part of Eren - an admittedly large part - hated the gear with a passion. It’s the one thing that’s given him trouble since he enlisted, his one true nemesis, his personal unconquerable mountain. He’d hated gear drills so much because they’d been difficult, and even the natural trill of exhilaration in his blood hadn’t really been enough to soothe his disgruntlement. He hadn’t been _bad_ at it, not by a long shot, but he hadn’t _excelled_ at it either and that had been enough to piss him all the way off. Jean, Mikasa, Reiner, Bertholdt, they navigate the gear easy as breathing. Eren had wanted something like that for himself, something he could call his own; a hidden talent, an innate and inborn skill. Like Armin and his strategy. Like Sasha and her horsemanship. Like Annie and her combat. Eren had wanted something - _anything_ \- that he could excel in.

He still hasn’t found it, isn’t sure he ever will. But he’s got something to work with now. And that’s all thanks to Levi. A few short hours with him and Eren feels like he understands the gear in a way few others ever do. Levi commands the gear like the wires are extensions of his arms, like the anchors are his own sure and grasping fingers, the hiss of the gas the steady rhythm of his breathing. Eren’s never seen anything like it in his life and he’s struggling to think of a better word to describe it other than _inspiring._

The days that follow their session in the woods pass in a blur of activity for Eren, fractured and intractable, and he’s hard pressed to even remember most of what he does in the remaining few days left of the winter break, other than eat, sleep, and spend every spare moment he can strapped into his gear. Nothing else really matters now, save for that. Eren’s nowhere near the level of adept that he wants to be, but it’s so much easier now that he knows he can trust his instincts to guide him, can tumble through the air sure in the knowledge that his anchors will hit deep and true to catch him before he hits the ground.

He’s probably single-handedly responsible for depleting the compound’s reserves of gas canisters, and he doesn’t care in the slightest.

“You’re going out to the forest again, aren’t you?” Mikasa asks on their last free afternoon before the next year begins. They’ll be expected to rise at dawn tomorrow and after spending two solid weeks sleeping as long and as late as they please, not a single one of the cadets is looking forward to the early start.

But that’s a problem for future Eren. Now, he just grins through a mouthful of stew, earning himself a sharp rap on the top of the head from Mikasa’s unforgiving knuckles, but even that isn’t enough to dampen his bright mood.

Eren’s been going to the forest every day for the past week, ever since that afternoon when Levi showed him exactly what it was he was doing wrong with the gear. Eren’s barely been out of his harness since, can’t actually wait for training to resume again in the new year because he can _do_ it now and nothing even comes close to the joy of flight.

He swallows his mouthful, eyes watering when a particularly pointy piece of carrot lodges in his throat halfway down, and Mikasa has to thump him on the back so he doesn’t choke to death.

“Hell yeah I am,” he wheezes, sniffing hard and wiping his eyes roughly with the heel of his palm. “Shadis gave us free reign over the gear until the training year starts, like hell I’m gonna pass that up. This is going to be my last chance to fly without him screaming at me for a whole year.”

Armin sighs, swirling his spoon through the dregs of his own stew. “I don’t get it. How could one afternoon with Levi have taught you more than a year of training?”

“Maybe because Shadis never threw him out of a tree,” Mikasa muses. “You should have been there, Armin, it was really funny.”

“Yeah, in hindsight,” Eren grumbles. “Don’t act like you weren’t about to make him eat his own face the moment he shoved me off the branch.”

“I thought about it,” Mikasa says with a shrug. “I might not approve of his methods, but you have to admit shorty knows what he’s talking about.”

“I really hope he hears you call him that one of these days.”

Mikasa’s eyes gleam. “So do I.”

The overall vibe hanging over the cadets is a restless one, so Eren’s been working out his excess energy with the gear as often as he can. The rest of the cadets are simultaneously miserable about the fact that the break will be ending soon and desperate to have something else to do other than sit around and wait. Eren’s firmly on the side of the latter, impatient for the next training year to start so he can finally pay Jean back for a year of mockery about his sub-par gear skills.

Shadis never did offer any kind of explanation regarding the pile of bodies Levi and Eren had left by the equipment shed, which Eren probably should have expected. No need to explain yourself if no one finds out about it, which nobody has, so Shadis doesn’t have to throw out a blanket statement that no one will believe. The only people who know anything about what happened are Eren’s trio and Levi’s and they sure as hell aren’t going to tell anyone else. The only reason Nairi and Callum even know anything about it is because they were the ones who got stuck with cleanup duty, something Eren feels horrifically guilty about.

Figures that Shadis wouldn’t care enough about the situation to address it. From what Eren’s seen, the Commandant doesn’t expend any energy where it isn’t strictly necessary, so fabricating some cock and bull story about why Eren and Levi decided to go feral on four thugs isn’t really high on his list of priorities. It’s fine, anyway, it makes Eren’s life easier. He doesn’t have to tell the story a hundred times over to his nosy classmates until he’s sick of it, like he’d had to when they first enlisted and everyone wanted to hear about the fall of Wall Maria over and over and over again. Eren’s totally fine without reliving that particular occurrence, thank you very much.

He did still have to lie his ass off about the state of his face, though, but thankfully not for long, because whatever the hell that goopy shit Zofia gave him was, it’s worked wonders on his bruises. They’ve already completely faded after only a week, which is great because now Eren doesn’t scare the shit out of himself whenever he passes a vaguely reflective surface. Before they’d faded, though,he’d still had to grit his teeth through his mumbled explanation of _I lost control of my gear and flew into a tree_ that got him more than a few mocking guffaws - mainly from Jean, the asshole - but Mikasa had patted his hand reassuringly through it all. At least she and Armin know the truth.

And what does it even matter if the rest of the cadets think Eren sucks at manoeuvre gear? He’s proved all of them wrong since then anyway, ever since Levi threw him out of that tree. Eren’s _so_ glad that whole debacle went as well as it did, because the moment Levi tossed his ass off that branch he’d been convinced he’d piss himself in fright and slam into the ground hard enough to turn himself inside out. He didn’t, thank _god_ , and for the first time since he got into the harness on that first day of training, he feels like he can work the gear better than ever.

It’s insane what a couple of hours with Levi has taught him about the gear; more than an entire year of actual training, which Armin just can’t stop being incredulous about. Doesn’t matter, Eren’s been on cloud nine ever since, more than willing to give Nairi a much needed break and escape to the forest for a few hours each day. Every time he fires his anchors his confidence grows, every time he pulls the triggers to jet the gas from his gear he feels that flicker of exhilaration before it blazes into an inferno the moment he’s truly airborne. Every time he flies it gets harder and harder to come back down and Eren finds that he can’t wait for training to resume in the new year, because he can finally keep up with the rest of his classmates.

No more getting left behind. No more wallowing in Mikasa’s shadow.

And Eren has Levi to thank for that.

“You should come, Armin,” Eren says, pointing at him with his spoon. “Get a head start on next year’s training. You’re still too scrawny, Shadis is gonna give you hell for that.”

“I’m good,” Armin says mildly. “I can manage just fine. I don’t get why you like it so much. The harness chafes like mad.”

Yeah, that’s true, but how can chafing put a damper on something so brilliant? It’s pure adrenaline, flight and movement and exhilaration and Armin might not get why Eren loves it so much, but Eren can’t understand how Armin _doesn’t._ “You literally get to fly through the air. Why do you hate fun?”

Armin gives him a _look_. “I don’t hate fun, Eren, I just don’t particularly like spending hours zipping around getting dry eyes, swallowing bugs, and feeling like I’m being given the world’s most permanent wedgie.”

Eren snorts. “Alright, have it your way.” He lifts his bowl to slurp up the last of his stew, ignoring Mikasa’s faint noise of disgust, then drops the bowl onto the table and jumps to his feet. “Are you coming or not?”

“Pass,” Armin says, returning to his book. “Have fun, though.”

“I’ll come,” Mikasa says and Eren cheers softly. “But I’m not staying out too late.”

“Yeah, yeah, let’s go, let’s go, let’s _go.”_ He hops over the bench, tugging Mikasa along by the arm, for what little good it does. She goes at her own pace and Eren has no chance in hell of making her go any faster. She deliberately slows down just to annoy him and he groans, letting go of her arm and turning round to let her follow at her preferred speed. They only have a few short hours to work with, too, though the evenings are slowly beginning to lighten following the solstice, and Eren wants to spend as much of that in the air as he can. Deeper in the woods are trees much taller than the ones Shadis permits them to practice by, and Eren’s desperate to try out a new move he’s been unable to stop thinking about for the past two days.

“You know it’s not always going to be like this, don’t you?” Mikasa asks as they make their way to the equipment shed. Eren glances at her, frowning at the solemnity of her tone. She’s never the most upbeat of people, but the serious timbre to her voice is relatively unexpected.

“Like what?”

“This,” she says, gesturing around them. “We have two years left and if you still want to join the corps after, I want to make sure that you know it’s not going to be like this. Fighting titans isn’t going to be fun, Eren.”

No, it’s not. And Eren’s pissed that she thinks he’s going to treat it like it is. “I was in Shiganshina too, ‘kasa,” he reminds her icily. “Did you think I’d forgotten?”

“No. But you’re acting like you have. There’s every chance we’ll die on our first expedition, Eren. You saw what the scouts looked like every time they came home. That’ll be us soon.”

“Which is why I want to train,” Eren snaps. “I’m not going to go down easy. Why do I have to spend every moment reminding myself of the bad shit? Why can’t I ignore it for a while and enjoy my damn self?”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Yeah, you did,” Eren snaps. “You don’t always have to be the voice of reason, you know? You’re fifteen, Mikasa, would it kill you to act like it?”

“Oh, this is coming from the ten year old that vowed to slaughter every titan in existence?”

“Yeah, and I’m _gonna_. But until then, I’m going to go fuck around in the forest with my gear until I’m so fired up I want to puke.” He huffs, reluctant to spend their last day of freedom bickering. “Now are you going to be a killjoy or are you going to race me to the training ground?”

As they break into a simultaneous sprint, Eren thinks idly that he knows exactly why Mikasa does this all the time. He knows she struggles to live in the moment, knows that she finds it hard to lift herself out of that shadowy cavern she fell into when her folks died. It’s like Eren, when he forgets himself and lets his rage boil his blood beyond all reason. It’s something they can’t rationalise, can’t handle alone, which is why they’ve probably gotten along so well for so long. They balance each other as much as they infuriate each other, which Eren supposes means they were always meant to be siblings. He just wishes it had happened differently, more for Mikasa’s sake than his own.

It’s been so long and she’s still hurting. She lost parents twice. Eren barely survived losing his once.

“Hey, ‘kasa!” He calls as they break into the clearing that marks the start of the training circuit. She turns back to him, having won their race by a landslide. “I have a new move I want to show you. Stay close so you can save my ass if it goes bad, okay?”

She offers him a small but sincere smile, grateful for the peace offering, such as it is. “Always,” she promises, raising her triggers. “As funny as it would be to see you break your nose again.”

“Yeah, your smack talk would be funnier if you didn’t hyperventilate every time I get a damn splinter.” He backs up a few steps before breaking into a lazy jog and letting his anchors fly, ripping him off the ground with that instant rushing thrill that follows the shift to weightlessness. He reaches for that part of him that Levi had helped unlock, the place inside his mind governed by sensation instead of rational thought, the part that lets him move without conscious intent. It’s easier to fly like this, better, and Eren doubts he’ll ever get over just how good it feels to fly like this.

“You’re so much better,” Mikasa calls, whizzing up on his right. “Stable. Your glide is so much smoother, you hardly even wobble now.”

Eren grins at her and absolutely shows off, because he _can_ now. He dislodges his anchors, dropping a few feet in a tight spin before firing again and whipping back up again. Mikasa doesn’t grin or anything like that, never really has, but she nods and her eyes shine with a quiet sort of approval that cheers Eren more than any praise would.

They fly deeper into the forests, until the trees block out the pale winter sunlight, casting mottled shadows on the woodland floor. The trees here are almost too tall to conceive, but they’re perfect for what Eren wants to try. He leads them up to the highest branch that will support their combined weight, almost twice as high as the branch Levi had thrown him off of, and he gives his triggers a few testing clicks before he bids Mikasa to watch.

“This might go badly,” he warns her with a wide smile. “But I’ve been thinking about it for days and I really want to try.”

“Show me,” Mikasa says. “I’ll be here if you need me.” She pauses before adding, “but I’m sure it’ll be great.”

Eren gives her a grateful nod and widens his stance a little, feet shoulder-width apart, hands holding his triggers loosely by his sides. He takes a steadying breath, another, then another, then closes his eyes and pitches himself backwards off the branch into a dizzying freefall.

The rush is immediate, surging through his blood as he falls, spine arched, tumbling heel-over-head in what he hopes are elegant rotations. The moment he catches himself focusing on his limbs he banishes the thought, reaching for that sensation of weightlessness, of the feeling of the triggers in his hands, the euphoria of flight, and letting everything else fall away. Every flip comes faster than the last until he is nothing but a blur of motion and adrenaline, spiralling towards the earth at such a speed that he can’t help the exhilarated cry that rips out of him.

And as he falls, he waits.

And waits.

And then the instinct flares to life, nothing else except the bone-deep, intuitive compulsion to depress his triggers at what his body knows is the right moment. His anchors fly far and fast and he spreads his arms and legs wide to slow his momentum in the split second before his wires catch and pull taught. It wrenches his body unpleasantly, but even the whiplash of his limbs isn’t enough to quell the surge of victory that roars through him in the knowledge that he’s caught himself, that his anchors have him secured, and his final wide flip throws him back then catapults him forward, upright in an instant, into a smooth and steady glide.

His feet slam hard into the thick trunk of an ancient conifer, and he hangs there for a moment, waiting for his unsteady breathing to even and the painful jarring in his legs to ease.

Mikasa’s beside him in an instant, lodging her anchors into the bark a few feet above his head. He looks up at her and she stares back, eyes wide with equal parts astonishment and admiration.

“Cool, right?”

She smirks at him. “You over rotated on that last flip.”

“Oh, come on!”

* * *

The mustering call comes a full two hours before first light and Eren groans into his pillow with all the reluctance of the teenaged and exhausted. His muscles haven’t forgiven him for his week-long gear session and he doubts they will anytime soon, but he really has no one to blame but himself. At least he’s not alone in his agony. All through the men’s barracks, identical groans of despair are being muffled into pillows, followed by miserable grunts and the sounds of clumsy, half-conscious dressing.

Eren drags himself to the washroom before the warmth of his bed can get too firm a hold on him, splashing cold water on his face and neck in the hopes it will shock away some of his exhaustion. It works, just barely, at least well enough that he can dress himself without toppling over, a feat that few of the others can match.

It’s somehow even colder outside now than it had been in the dead of winter, which helps a little more to wake them up, but none of them really want to be awake right now, which is ironic given that they'd all started complaining of boredom barely a week into their break. Eren thinks dimly that he really should stop taking everything for granted, and stumbles into line with the rest of the cadets, smothering a yawn into the crook of his elbow.

At least he’s not the only one who looks like he’s been dragged through a hedge backwards. Everyone else looks just as tired as he feels, dark smudges under their eyes, messy-haired and dead-eyed, all either yawning or drooping in place while they wait for Shadis to arrive and yell at them.

And yell he does, which is weirdly comforting. Familiar. They'd probably be alarmed if he didn’t, wonder what was wrong with him. But the reassurance of familiarity is short-lived when he rips them a new one for their lacklustre formation and sends them off on an unforgiving sprint round the grounds to wake them up.

“I’m in hell,” Connie pants, falling quickly behind the rest of them. “I’m in hell and I’m dying.” He sounds dangerously close to tears.

“Up and at ‘em,” Reiner says, slowing his pace a little to fall in line with Connie so he can grab him by the scruff of his neck and haul him along. “The quicker we get this over with, the quicker you can go back to goofing off during drills.”

Eren highly doubts that’s going to be an option. If anything, their second year is likely to be even more gruelling than the first. But he can take it. He _will._ Another year, another step closer to escaping the walls, discovering the world outside their cage. Another step closer to—

 _Eren! Everything hinges on you, now! You_ must _remember! Eren!_

Eren gasps, staggering, and narrowly avoids crashing into Jean’s back at the last second, sagging to one side and falling to a knee with a painful jolt.

“Eren!” Mikasa’s there in an instant, skidding to a stop beside him and crouching down, pressing chilled fingers against his forehead as though checking for a fever. She says something else but Eren can’t hear her over the sound of his own blood hammering in his ears, drowned out by the fading echo of a voice he hasn’t heard in years.

It had sounded so real… Like he was shouting, close by, desperate and terrified.

His father’s voice.

“I’m alright,” Eren says, voice shaky. He reaches up with trembling hand to push Mikasa’s hand away, but he can’t make his limbs obey him and instead of shoving away her fussing hands he grasps her wrist instead, holding tight like he can’t bear to let go.

“What happened?” Mikasa asks, voice low and dripping with worry. “Are you alright? You look so pale but you’re burning up.”

“I’m fine,” Eren says, leaning on her arm heavily as she helps him to his feet. “I just— tripped.”

“Tripped,” Mikasa echoes, unconvinced. “I watched you stagger like you’d been hit.”

Eren has no response for that. “I just… I got dizzy, I guess. I’m fine. Don’t worry. I’m not sick.”

He can still hear it, though, the desperate echo of his father’s voice, ringing in the back of his head, refusing to be ignored. It sounds so real, almost tangible, and he shakes his head violently to clear it.

 _You’re dead,_ Eren tells the spectre of memory trying to deafen him. _You have to be dead, where else would you be?_

“I’m okay,” Eren says again, rewording the sentiment a third time to try and make it more real. The disembodied fear has finally begun to ebb and as it fades, so too does the echo of his dead father’s voice. He’s finally able to release Mikasa’s wrist. “See? Just a dizzy spell.” He tries for a laugh that comes out toneless and flat. “Right as rain.”

Mikasa doesn’t look convinced, but before she can protest, Shadis’s voice shatters the tense silence.

“Less talking more running, maggots!” He bellows and Mikasa and Eren break into a reluctant jog.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Mikasa asks, keeping pace with him.

“Yeah. Just… tired.” Yeah, that’s probably what it was. Vestiges of a nightmare, he gets them at least every other night, so it’s the most logical explanation. “Probably slept worse than I thought. I really am fine.”

Physically, he is. Tired, yes, but nothing unmanageable. His muscles still burn faintly from his gear-related overexertion and he’s on edge from the rush of adrenaline that had followed… whatever that was, but the nausea that had flared with the attack is already abating, as though it never happened.

The remnant of a nightmare, he tells himself firmly. Nothing more. Nothing more, even if it did feel more like a memory…

No, just a nightmare. Eren hasn’t seen his father in years, assumed he’d died when Shiganshina fell because if he hadn’t, he would have found them, Eren knows he would. He always assumed that was what happened, maybe it’s been on his subconscious mind. His mom always used to say nightmares were the body’s way of healing the soul’s disquiet. That’s all it is. Nothing more, nothing less.

He feels much more like himself by the time they finish their circuit, falling into a much more orderly formation this time around. Shadis still prowls their ranks, glaring at all of them and muttering that the break has softened them unacceptably. He doesn’t single any of them out, though, which is a mercy, and returns to the front of their formation after his scrutinising round, looking pissed off beyond belief.

“If any of you were stupid enough to feel relieved when your first year ended,” he begins with a deep scowl, “then this year is going to shit all over you. The results you were so proud of last year mean nothing. The weak efforts of weak children, and you're going to have to work twice as hard if you want to stand a chance of lasting the next year. I’m going to have you puking blood by spring and you’re going to thank me for it.”

“Good god,” Marco murmurs from somewhere behind Eren, sounding absolutely terrified.

“You’re barely going to have enough time to wipe your asses,” Shadis carries on, oblivious to their mounting horror. “If you think any moment of this year is going to be easy, it will be my great pleasure to disappoint you. I want to see each of you crying like infants by the time the first month is up. If you’re not weeping, broken, hopeless by midsummer, then I’m not doing my job. I want every single one of you miserable and it is my job to make that happen.” He clasps his hands behind his back, glowering round at them all. “That being said, say hello to your new classmates. Then I want you all partnering up for advanced combat drills.”

Eren perks up at that, as do the rest of the cadets, necks craning to try and see who the new classmates are. Eren’s heard nothing about any new recruits joining their ranks, hasn’t seen any unfamiliar faces in the crowd, and a quick survey of their lines reveals nothing. It’s not until Shadis steps to one side that a volley of interested murmurs ripples through their ranks and Eren’s chest swells when three _very_ familiar faces step forward.

“Hey, kids!” Isabel says, snapping a lazy salute. “We’re your new playmates this year!” Farlan smirks and Levi looks just as bored as always, but Eren’s so happy he could cheer - would - if he didn’t think Shadis would hamstring him for it.

“Get to work!” Shadis bellows and everyone stumbles to obey.

The next year is already looking to be a promising one.

Potential vomiting blood aside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and so the new training year begins!! updates might be a tad slower over the holiday period while i check out for some festivities, but because I’m still working through most of it, I’m sure you won’t have to wait too long for updates. I’ll be chipping away at the next chapters whenever i get a spare moment because WE’RE GETTING INTO PROPER PLOT TERRITORY NOW!!


	15. Chapter 15

As happy as Eren is to have Isabel and the others joining their ranks, he doesn’t get much time to talk to them, not with Shadis so intent on driving them into the ground on their first day back in training. He splits them up into pairs and has them running close-quarter drills until their bones ache, then makes them run through them again, then run laps, then splits them into threes and has them run two-on-one combat scenarios until they can no longer stand.

Eren barely has a spare moment to catch his breath, let alone nose in on what Isabel’s group are doing, but every time he can throw a brief glance in their direction, they seem to working just like the rest of the cadets, albeit with a lot less complaining and a lot less panting. He does get to see Isabel body-slam Farlan into the ground at one point, seconds before Mikasa throws him onto his own ass in the dirt-churned, half-melted snow. At least _his_ sister offers him a hand to help him up. _Farlan’s_ sister sits on his chest before he can roll to his feet, laughing while he tries in vain to throw her off.

By the end of the day, Eren’s bruised and sore and exhausted, having been thrown across the training ground about fifteen times by Mikasa and Armin each, though at least Armin can only throw Eren about a foot when he puts his back into it, and that’s only because Eren gives him enough momentum to work with. Mikasa can throw Eren a good four feet in any direction, and he’s left with angry friction burns all down his back that he swears are so hot they actually steam in the chill January air, but Mikasa just tells him to stop being a baby and slaps him on the back for good measure.

Despite the various minor injuries, the sight of Isabel and the others waiting for them by the edge of the training ground is enough to cheer him through his exhaustion and he even manages to jog over before his legs give out completely. Mainly he just wants Mikasa to stop touching his back, because it feels like he’s got the worst case of sunburn in his life.

“I was expecting a lot worse-- Oh, shit, sorry.”” Farlan says, having clapped Eren on the back before he could stop him. “...Anyway, the way Shadis carries on, you’d think all you kids knew how to do was cry and piss your pants.” He looks at Mikasa. “That throw you did? The one where you flipped Eren over your shoulder? That was choice.”

Mikasa looks more than a little stunned to be paid such a compliment and her ears pinken a little at the tips. “Thank you,” she murmurs into her scarf, ducking her head slightly.

“You _have_ to show me how you did that,” Isabel says, putting her hands on Mikasa’s shoulders and gazing at her imploringly. “Like, you threw him a good six feet. He went ass over tit--”

“Alright, thanks,” Eren mutters dismally. “And it was only about four feet…”

“--I could really use some pointers.” Isabel beams at Mikasa who looks utterly disarmed by it. “I bet the guys in your class are terrified of you.”

“They are,” Armin says, grinning. “It’s really funny.”

The six of them head to the mess together, Eren nursing a sore backside and even sorer pride, but he can’t be too put out when they get to spend some time with Isabel and the others for the first proper time when they aren’t between attempted murders or stolen training sessions. This year is already promising to be far better than their first, despite how dedicated Shadis is to his goal of making them all regret ever being born.

“Weren’t you supposed to be joining the scouts, though?” Armin asks of Farlan as they find an empty table towards the back of the mess. The other cadets are watching them with varying levels of interest, ranging from Jean who’s giving them the absolute stink-eye, to Ymir who never looks like she gives a shit unless it involves Christa in some way. Eren doesn’t particularly mind the staring and the underground trio seem completely oblivious to it, which tracks. Ever since they’d walked into the mess at the beginning of the previous year, they’d had to weather their fair share of furtive glances.

“We are,” Farlan says, stretching before folding his long limbs under the table. “But not for a while yet. Probably head out in a few months, but the scouts are still pretty wary about having us around. I think Shadis wants to get some use out of us before he hands us over, too.”

“Did anything happen?” Eren asks, glancing at Levi. “After the whole…” He makes a vague stabbing gesture.

“Other than what you saw in Shadis’ office?” Levi asks. At Eren’s nod, he shakes his head. “No, but we got a letter. From Commander Smith.”

“Commander…?” Eren’s eyes widen. “He’s _Commander_ , now?”

Levi hums, stoic expression shifting into something derisive. “Yes, we got… What did you call it, Farlan?”

“Oh, I called it a “duplicitous sack of horsehit masquerading as sanctimonious gratitude”.”

“That,” Levi says, nodding. “It was to thank us for our service in “taking down a long-time enemy of the survey corps” or some shit like that. Lovoff’s been taken into custody, apparently. Smith took the position of Commander left open by Shadis, he’s whipping the scouts into shape as we speak, but I guess he needs to get them to trust him before he unleashes three criminals into their ranks proper.”

“Sounds like they’re just jerking us around,” Farlan mutters. “The more I hear about this Smith, the less I like him.”

“Still kind of want to kill him,” Levi says dispassionately, like he’s not openly stating sedition. “I owe him one for shoving my face into that fucking puddle.”

Eren’s blood runs cold at that. The afternoon after they’d killed Lovoff’s men, Eren and his friends had helped Levi to clear away the carnage Isabel had unleashed upon their quarters and that hadn’t been fun for anyone involved. Not that cleaning ever is, but Levi gets very… _Shadis_ about the whole thing if he doesn’t think you’re doing a good enough job. Eren hadn’t been aware there was a wrong way to sweep a fucking floor, but Levi had taken a very loud, very angry approach to educating him about that fact.

The idea of Levi getting his face mashed into a dirty puddle is a chilling one. Eren wonders if Smith has any idea just how fucking lucky he is that he’s still alive.

“It’s just one expedition, right?” Armin asks, folding his hands together on the table. “Then you get your citizenship?”

“Mm, yeah.” Farlan nods, brows pinching. “Which is a fucking cop-out, if you ask me. They’re obviously hoping we’ll die out there.”

“You might,” Mikasa says and Eren is about to round on her but she holds up a hand to forestall him. “I don’t mean that as a knock against your skills, I really don’t. I’m sure you’re incredibly capable, but you don’t know what the titans can do. Stories don’t convey just how horrifying they are.”

“She’s got a point,” Armin says, shuddering. “On paper, word-of-mouth, it seems bizarrely comical. We grew up with horror stories about them, of course, and when you live above ground I suppose you get a certain amount of fear instilled into you by way of association. We used to watch the scouts ride out and return every month since we were really young, but until wall Maria fell we never really grasped the reality of it.”

“I mean, I can believe the comical part,” Isabel says, shifting in her seat to tuck one leg beneath her. “You hear some shit, mostly stories from guys who say they knew a guy who knew a guy who knew a scout. When you’re so far removed from the surface, the idea of ten-meter tall naked monsters is… well, more weird than scary.”

“You three were in Shiganshina when the titans broke through, right?” Farlan asks, but for some reason his question doesn’t get Eren’s back up the way all the others have. He asks it with a quiet sort of respect, like he’s trying to tell them without words that they don’t have to answer if it’s too much.

“We were,” Mikasa confirms, nodding. “It was…” A shadow passes over her face and Eren and Armin both reach out simultaneously to rest a hand on either of her shoulders, the three of them united against the nightmares-made-memories that have plagued them for the past five years. It never really gets any easier.

“It changed something in all of us, I think,” Armin says softly. “It’s difficult to even believe it happened, sometimes. It was so far beyond the realm of possibility that it felt like… Well, it felt impossible, that’s the only way I can describe it.”

“We lost our parents,” Eren says as levelly as he can. “Our mom, our home. We never saw my dad again, but I guess they must have gotten him, too, because he never found us. Then we were… I forget what they called us, but we were refugees in wall Rose until we were old enough to enlist.”

“Wards of the State,” Armin supplies and Eren clicks his fingers, pointing at him.

“That’s what it was. Thanks.”

Armin inclines his head. “It wasn’t all bad, but there was a lot of dissatisfaction from the inhabitants of wall Rose about having to house so many of us.” He opens his mouth but can’t quite seem to continue.

“It’s alright, Armin,” Mikasa says quietly, lifting a hand to lay it gently over where his own is resting on her shoulder. “You don’t have to talk about it.”

Farlan and Isabel look curious but they don’t push, which Eren appreciates on Armin’s behalf. He’s struck once more by how uncharacteristically kind they are, these so-called criminals, still surprised every time they act so courteously or compassionately, and he feels guilty every single time because he knows them - _likes_ them - and the only reason he’s surprised is because part of him still buys into the thuggish stereotype. 

“It’s okay,” Armin eventually says, managing a shaky smile. “I just… Didn’t expect it to still be such a painful memory.”

“It’s understandable,” Mikasa says softly, patting his hand. “It was cruel.”

“Do you want me to explain?” Eren asks, leaning round to nudge Armin’s shoulder gently. “You might have to stop me, though, because if I get into it I’m going to march into the capital and start causing trouble on your behalf.”

Armin does laugh at that which makes Eren grin. “It’s okay,” he says again, more convincingly this time. He looks to Farlan and Isabel who are watching them with twin expressions of veiled curiosity. “The brass sent a third of the refugees out to attempt to reclaim wall Maria. It was doomed to fail from the start.”

“Holy shit,” Farlan says, sounding like the words have been punched out of him. “They-- That sounds like it was a fucking _cull.”_

“Yeah,” Armin says. “I lost my grandpa.”

“They sent your _grandfather?”_ Eren startles at the venom in Levi’s voice, surprised to begin with that it’s Levi who speaks with such outrage rather than Isabel or Farlan, though the both of them look just as furious. “They sent your fucking-- What the _hell?”_

“Easy,” Farlan murmurs and Levi lets out a harsh breath through his nose, sinking down in his seat and folding his arms as though he’ll do something stupid if he doesn’t. “That’s… awful. I’m sorry, Armin.”

“Thank you,” Armin murmurs. “I understand why they did it, but… It doesn’t really make it any easier.”

“God, I thought you guys up here had it easy,” Isabel says, shaking her head. “But you guys have had to deal with so much. Makes the underground seem like a fucking playground in comparison. At least down there people are upfront about wanting to kill you.”

Eren has to agree with that assessment, despite never having set foot into the subterranean city Isabel and her brothers hale from. Hopefully he never will, though he can’t deny he’s curious about it. 

“What I don’t get,” Levi says, sounding calmer this time, though his shoulders are still a harsh line of tension, “is why you would want to join the scouts at all. You’ve seen titans, you know what they can do, and you’ve seen the shit the higher-ups will pull to serve their own ends. Why the hell would you want to align yourself with that?” He looks at Eren. “You, specifically. You don’t exactly strike me as the type to obey orders.”

“It’s… complicated,” Eren says. “...Actually, no it’s not. I want to leave the walls. The scouts are my way out, so I have to join. I don’t really have any other options. It’s punishable by death to leave the walls otherwise.”

“That seems… counterproductive,” Farlan says. “They’ll send people out there to die, but only on their terms? God, shit’s fucked up here.”

“Right?” Isabel says. “Laws are so weird. Do you think they’ll let us know what they are when we get our citizenship? I’d hate to survive a titan attack just to get pinned by the MPs for… I don’t know, scratching my ass in public or something.”

“You can do that,” Mikasa says, sounding amused. “The main laws are no stealing, no killing, no grievous bodily harm, and no leaving the walls. Other than that, you can do what you want.”

Isabel stares at her. “No stealing?” She echoes, looking halfway to distraught. “Like, at all?”

“Nope.”

“Not even if I _really_ want something?”

“Not even then.”

Isabel pushes a hand through her hair, eyes wide with disbelief. “So I’ve gotta pay for everything?”

“Yes, with the money you earn by working.”

“And I’m not allowed to steal the money?”

Mikasa laughs, soft and sincere. “No stealing at all, I’m afraid.”

“That _sucks!”_ Isabel looks to her brothers. “I want to go back underground. I don’t think I can hack it up here.”

“You’ll be fine,” Levi says tonelessly. “I taught you better than to get caught.”

“Oh, true,” Isabel says, looking mollified. “No stealing unless you’re good at it. See? I’m already so good at laws. The grievous bodily harm one might be a bit of a tricky one, though. Sometimes you’ve just gotta beat someone’s head in to settle a dispute.”

“God, please don’t say that in front of Eren,” Armin says, pained. “We spent years teaching him the opposite of that and it’s just starting to stick.”

“I’m not _that_ bad,” Eren whines. Okay, maybe he is a little bit. He’s definitely fantasized about turning Jean’s face inside out on more than one occasion, but he reckons he should get points for never letting it progress further than idle fantasy. Alright, they’ve come to blows more than once, but he’s never caused any _permanent_ damage. 

“Eren, your kill count is higher than most adults who’ve served in any of the regiments,” Armin points out.

“Oh, really?” Farlan says with some interest. “What are you on now?”

“Four,” Eren says. “And a half, maybe?” He looks to Mikasa. “I forget, did we count the last one as all yours or did we settle on calling it an assist?”

“No, that one was mine,” Mikasa says. “Assist? How was you getting choked out meant to assist me?”

“I was providing a distraction,” Eren says with a sniff. “Keeping him occupied for you.”

“You were getting strangled. Your face was blue by the time I dropped him.”

“It was a really _good_ distraction. I was committed to it.”

“To getting strangled, yes.”

They’ve spoken about it before, of course. His father had deigned not to tell Carla about what had happened, at least not Eren and Mikasa’s part in it, and now that Eren’s not a tiny, furious nine year old, but a taller, furious fifteen year old, he can understand why his father kept quiet about it. Eren was never ashamed of what he did, but Carla would have been inconsolable to know that her son had blood on his hands before he’d even hit double digits, no matter the reason. 

The exact extent of what she knew, Eren doesn’t know for certain. About Mikasa’s parents, obviously, but Eren doesn’t know if Mikasa ever spoke to her about any of the rest of it. Maybe they did when Eren wasn’t privy to it, because Mikasa had nightmares for six months after she came to live with the Jaegers, nightmares that had her shaking and crying silent tears and Eren would have been none the wiser if they hadn’t shared a room. He’d woken up one night to a candle being lit by his mother when she’d come in to check on them and found Mikasa in tears. She’d cuddled both of them close and sung soft songs in the dark until they’d fallen asleep, heads pillowed on a shoulder each.

Eren hadn’t had a single nightmare about it, not once, and he’d had a hard time understanding how Mikasa could be so affected when he himself hadn’t lost a minute of sleep afterwards. He’d told her at the time that it was kill or be killed, had watched something spark behind her eyes as she’d overcome her fear and charged, effectively saving his life as well as her own. But though Eren hadn’t understood her disquiet, he’d sat with her through it, remembers fondly the long nights spent talking by candlelight.

It took a year or so before they ever spoke about it with each other, though. When they finally did, Eren found out that the nightmares that plagued Mikasa weren’t about the man she’d killed. They were about her parents mostly, though sometimes they were about her being too afraid to kill the man who’d had his hands wrapped around Eren’s throat. Eren had wasted no time in telling her that the nightmare was a stupid one, because that wasn’t what happened, so there was no point wasting good sleeping time thinking about what could have been.

“Oh my god,” Farlan says, drawing Eren out of the past. He looks utterly delighted. “You guys are so messed up. Is it weird that I feel strangely reassured by this?”

“No, it makes sense,” Armin says, ever the diplomat. “Shared trauma tends to unite people in strange ways. Kindred souls and all that.”

“Why do we have to have this in common?” Levi asks, looking mildly disgruntled. “Why can’t we have normal shit in common like colours or favourite books. Why does it have to be murder?”

“Self defence,” Eren and Mikasa say as one. Farlan cackles.

“Alright, enough with the deep shit,” Isabel says, smacking her palms down on the table. “I need eats, who’s coming with?”

“God, I will,” Eren says. “I’m starving. Stay here,” he says to Armin and Mikasa. “I’ll bring yours.” They offer him grateful smiles, understanding that this is really the only thing he can offer them by way of showing his appreciation, considering he’s absolutely shit with words.

“You can get your own damn food,” Isabel says to Levi and Farlan. “I’m not your fuckin’ mom.”

Farlan boos at her and she punches him in the back of the head as she gets up from the table, lightly for her but with enough force to clack the poor guy’s teeth together. She cackles and loops an arm through Eren’s, hauling him along to grab some of whatever slop passes for dinner tonight. 

Cabbage soup. Joy of joys. Still, even if it does taste like water that’s spent too long looking at the colour green, it’s hot and substantial and Eren is going to spend his entire first paycheck on food and literally nothing else. 

“God, I ate better below ground,” Isabel mutters, making a face over her bowl as she fills it. “Okay, no, that’s not entirely true. I ate less but at least the food down there had flavour. This doesn’t even taste like cabbage!”

“It tastes like the concept of green,” Eren tells her. 

“That’s exactly what it is!”

Despite telling Farlan and Levi they can get their own food, she does end up grabbing a bowl for each of them and they both make their way back to the table with their arms laden with bowls of weak, watery, but hot soup. Dinner is a rather subdued affair, with everyone lamenting just how sore they’ll be by the end of the week and dreading the rigorous training Shadis will subject them to, but no matter how difficult it may prove to be, having the underground trio around is buoying Eren’s mood like nobody’s business.

At least until Nairi and Callum make an appearance and weave between the tables while they hand out pieces of paper to all of them.

“What’s this?” Eren asks when Nairi reaches their table, taking the paper she offers him. He flips it over and groans as he skims it. It’s a weekly schedule for the upcoming year and it’s _brutal._ “We didn’t have this shit last year.”

“No, we always bring it in for year two,” Nairi says. “We spend the first year assessing your weaknesses and tailor your second year to address them and help you improve.”

Eren frowns at his page, muttering under his breath as he reads. “Battle strategy and tactics… Horsemanship… Orienteering… Close-quarter combat drills…” He makes a low sound of dismay. “Are you kidding me with this? Four AM starts? Until _four in the evening?_ _Plus_ rostered duties on the weekends? Nairi, I thought you loved us.”

“I tolerate you,” Nairi says, ruffling his hair. “Sorry, kid. Shadis did warn you this year would be tough.”

“No, no, no,” Eren says, waving the page at her. “”Tough” is waking up at dawn for a five mile run before the sun is even up. _This?_ I’m pretty sure this counts as cruel and unusual punishment.”

“Probably!” Kairi says with a winning smile. “Better get some rest in while you can, Jaeger. I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow.” She flutters her fingers at them in a teasing wave and Eren droops in his seat with a groan.

“How bad is yours?” Armin asks, skimming over his own schedule.

“Horrific,” Eren moans, lowering his forehead to the table. “My instructor for this year is Shadis himself. I’m going to _die.”_

“Yeah, you are,” Mikasa says, reading her own schedule. “I’ve got Callum, that won’t be too bad. Wait, did you say four until six?”

“Yeah. Why, what have you got?”

“Six until three.”

“What?! Let me see that!” Eren snatches the page when she holds it out for him, glaring down at it. “This is _so_ unfair! You’ve got… Like, half the classes I have! This is bullshit!”

“It’s not Mikasa’s fault she’s better than all of us,” Armin says dully. Judging by the look on his face, his schedule is just as bad as Eren’s. “Do you want to swap, Eren? I’ve got maneuver gear training pretty much every day.”

“Please,” Eren says sincerely. “I bet we could get away with it. I’ve always wondered how I’d look blonde.”

“I suppose this means we won’t be training together much,” Mikasa says, looking crestfallen.

“Yeah, well, that’s what you get for being such a showoff,” Eren says with no real heat. “Lucky.” He turns to Isabel's lot who’ve also been given their own schedules. “What have you guys got?”

“Nothing as bad as you guys,” Farlan says, passing over his page. “We’ll be rotating through your groups by the look of it, helping the instructors out.”

“Glorified babysitting duty,” Levi says flatly. “Joy of fuckin’ joys.”

“That settles it,” Eren says, slamming a palm down on the table. “I’ve got to work my ass off this year. Maybe if I improve I’ll get bumped up a set and can come hang with Mikasa.”

“Doubtful,” Mikasa says, snickering when he takes a playful swing at her. “But it’s worth a shot. Don’t overdo it, though.”

“You know who you’re talking to, right?” Armin says dryly. “Eren Jaeger, the King of overdoing everything all the time.”

“I’m not _that_ bad,” Eren protests, earning himself doubtful glances from everyone at the table. Even _Levi,_ the traitor. “I’m not!”

“Of course you’re not,” Isabel says, patting his head condescendingly. Briefly Eren considers biting her like a rat, but he really doesn’t want to prove them all right. “I never knew training was this intense. They’ve really let us get away with shit since we joined.”

“Because they don’t know where to stick us,” Farlan says, folding his schedule and tucking it into his pocket. “Wonder how long it’ll be before they ship us out.”

“Who knows?” Isabel shrugs one shoulder. “I’m not in any hurry. At least we get fed here.”

“Yeah,” Farlan says, picking a limp piece of cabbage out of his bowl. “Boiled leaves and the concept of green. Delicious.”

“Stop complaining,” Levi chastises him and Eren notes with some surprise that Levi’s bowl is already empty. He hadn’t even seen him eat. “You want to go hungry?”

“No, of course not,” Farlan says tersely. His fingers twitch like he wants to throw the piece of possibly-cabbage-but-actually-indeterminable-vegetable at Levi, but thinks better of it, dropping it back into his bowl. “But would it kill them to season their shit a little?”

“I doubt they get enough supplies to be able to do that,” Armin says, stirring his own soup with his spoon. “I suppose they think the rations would do better elsewhere, considering the scouts were at risk of dissolution not that long ago, they probably weren’t expecting to have to supply the next year’s training squad.”

The machinations of the governing body that presides over the cadets will always be a mystery to Eren. He’d thought that the training of new recruits would take priority, but with what they’d discovered about Lovoff’s intentions to cease all funding towards the scouts, it makes sense that the rations meant for the trainees would suffer, too. Eren hadn’t had any idea that the scouts were viewed so poorly, considering he’d always regarded them with nothing less than awe, but it makes sense.

“Well, it’s not exactly fine cuisine, but it’ll do,” Isabel says, pinching her nose closed with one hand so she can guzzle down her own soup without tasting it. She still gags a little, dropping the empty bowl onto the table with a clatter. “Right, I’m going to shower. I’ll see you kids in the morning. Rest good and kick ass tomorrow so you can rub Shadis’ face in it.”

“I’ll come with you,” Mikasa says, collecting up her and Isabel’s bowls. 

They bid the girls goodnight, then Levi and Farlan follow shortly after, leaving Eren and Armin alone at their table. The rest of the mess is a lot quieter now, with most of the cadets having left to get some sleep in before their training begins in earnest tomorrow.

“Dreading tomorrow?” Eren asks, gesturing for Armin to pass over his schedule, which he does. It’s better than Eren’s, more hands-on, at least, with gear training and combat drills but very little classroom-based sessions because Armin’s already the best in their class for theory.

“You know it,” Armin says, sighing softly. “I don’t know what I expected from training, but it sure as hell wasn’t this.”

“We made it through the first year,” Eren says with an optimism he doesn’t really feel. “Remember how awful the first few months were? But we got through it just like you said we would.”

“I guess.” Armin sighs again, rubbing his hands over his face. “And I suppose we always knew it would get harder each year.”

Eren nods though he definitely hadn’t known that. He’d been under the impression things would get easier, not harder, as they got better and more resilient. He should have known it wouldn’t work out like that. The universe exists to torment Eren specifically, after all. At least it feels that way. “But we’ll get through this year, and the year after that, and then we’ll get to leave the walls for the first time. Remember we always promised we would.”

That gets a smile out of Armin, albeit a weary one. “Yeah. We have to reclaim wall Maria first, though.”

“Then we’ll do that first then we’ll find the sea. C’mon, Armin, you know we can do it.” Eren nudges his shoulder. “I want to see everything in your book and I want to see it all with you. We promised, no take backs.”

It’s a childish sentiment, but it serves to wipe the fearful reluctance off of Armin’s face. “Right. And we’ll be the best scouts that ever enlisted. We’ll wipe out the titans and get to live outside the walls.”

“Now you’re getting it!” Eren grins at him. “With a mind like yours, you’ll probably be the Commander in a few years and you’ll get to lead the expeditions outside the walls. With no titans to kill, it’ll be pure exploration. You can do the… Map shit.”

“Cartography,” Armin supplies with a wide smile. “That’s why you have orienteering sessions this year. Your sense of direction is abysmal.”

“I don’t need directions to kill a titan,” Eren defends haughtily.

“You literally do, that’s why we’re training.” 

They snicker quietly together and despite his weariness and the sense of unease that’s followed him since his strange turn that afternoon, Eren lets their childish dreams overtake his thoughts as he has in his worst moments since they were forced to leave their home. None of this is going to be easy, Eren wouldn’t trust it if it was, but at least they’ll have each other, no matter what happens.

And that will always be enough.


	16. Chapter 16

The weather begins to clear, leaving behind little more than frost each morning, but no more lasting snowfalls are likely to occur now for the rest of the season. The mornings are still dark but beginning to lighten, though the extra hours of daylight don’t bolster anybody’s moods once training begins in earnest.

For the time being, Isabel, Farlan, and Levi get to oversee one group of trainees per week, on a rotating schedule basis. From what Levi’s been able to gather, the cadets have been grouped by weakness rather than aptitude, so that they can spend the next year honing the skills they’re less adept in. There are only three groups, made up of roughly twenty students each, save for the third which is made up of only seven. Mikasa is part of that group, along with four boys and two girls, none of whom Levi is particularly interested in getting to know.

Out of all the groups, that’s the one that needs the least amount of guidance. Eren’s self-proclaimed rival, the kid with the horse face is in it, though he spends most of his time mooning over Mikasa rather than doing anything else, though he’s quick to snap to attention when Shadis starts yelling at him. For the weeks that Levi’s meant to be overseeing that group’s training, he spends most of his time reading and ignoring them when they ask him for help. They’re self-sufficient enough and if they want any real pointers they can go to the actual instructors. It’s not like Levi’s getting paid to teach the brats how not to strangle themselves with their gear wires.

Regardless of Levi’s distaste for babysitting and even though he’s not prone to sympathy, even he has to admit that Shadis is pushing the cadets too hard. Week one ends with several of the cadets sick with fever and another handful either unconscious or near to it from sheer exhaustion. The resulting screaming match between Zofia and Shadis that took place in the latter’s office could be heard all the way to the mess. For such an unassuming person, Zofia sure does have a set of pipes on her.

The overall atmosphere among the trainees is one of deep exhaustion. For his part, Levi’s never been a particularly optimistic person and he’s sure as shit not going to start now, but he can’t deny that the creeping sense of dread that’s taken to hovering over his head like a black cloud is really starting to piss him off. And it’s not even like he can ignore it, his instincts have always been uncannily keen, so writing the unease off as mere pessimism will probably end up biting him in the ass in the long run. 

Only problem is, he’s not actually sure what’s causing it.

It’s not the babysitting, he doesn’t actually have to do much other than stand beside either Nairi or Callum while they holler at cadets who’ve managed to tangle their gear wires or get their asses thrown off the back of a horse for the sixth time in the same hour, so it’s not like he’s stressed by any stretch of the imagination. He can’t quite put his finger on it, but something’s got him out of sorts, leaving him tense and snappish, moreso than he already is by way of his absolutely stunning personality.

Isabel _loves_ training with the cadets. Even Farlan’s leaning into his new position as role model, mainly because he gets to show off six hours a day and the girls in his group all fawn over him like he’s some kind of celebrity. The brats Levi has to oversee learn pretty quickly that they can neither impress him nor gain his approval, and that he’s far more likely to insult them than he is to correct them. Still, he has to admit that receiving special dispensation to tell a hoard of brats exactly how hard they suck is a pretty choice way to spend his time.

Still, though, the unease doesn’t abate. One week becomes two, then three, then a full month passes and Levi still can’t shake the feeling that something’s wrong. They get a letter from Jan towards the beginning of February - more specifically _Farlan_ gets a letter from Jan, Isabel and Levi receive polite greetings and well wishes which is nice but unnecessary - which offsets some of Levi’s disquiet and also means that Sairam’s come through for them by not letting Lovoff get his grubby paws on their one weak spot. It’s probably a little unkind to regard Jan as such, but it’s Farlan’s affection for him that got them up here in the first place.

Levi’s still not settled up here, which is probably what’s contributing to his unrest the most. It’s been about a year since they left the underground and Levi still can’t quite figure out exactly where he stands among the topside folk. It’s not that he can’t relate to them; Levi’s awkward and standoffish around everyone regardless of origin or social standing, but it’s more to do with the fact that he doesn’t really know what he’s going to do with himself once they receive their formal citizenship. Isabel had mentioned - albeit jokingly - about how she’d find it difficult to obey laws after spending most of her life actively flaunting them, and since she’d mentioned it Levi’s been hard pressed not to focus on it, thoughts swirling around the matter like a probing tongue against an aching tooth.

Levi’s not exactly the most employable of people. He’s no handyman, though he can repair things passably enough should the need arise, but with nowhere near the level of skill required to monetise it. He’s not got the kind of temperament for mercantile pursuits, no particular eye for fine craftsmanship so he’d be shit as an appraiser. He’s got no real talent for tailoring, for food preparation or baking. The only skills he really has are his strength and his ability to drop anyone regardless of size, but mercenaries aren’t really needed above ground.

He comes back to the idea of instructing the new recruits, but the more he spends time watching over the idiots Shadis is hoping to mold into the next generation of soldiers, the more he realises he really isn’t equipped to teach them. He’s too easily frustrated, finds it difficult to explain concepts that are simple to him and unthinkably complex for the ignorant. Three days in to his position as assistant instructor with Nairi and he’d lost count of how many times he’d told various cadets to “do it again, but this time don’t fucking suck at it”.

Okay, so, instructing is definitely out. Maybe he’ll spend the rest of his days as a farmer instead. Gruelling, backbreaking work, but at least he’d stay in shape until old age got him. It’s weird, Levi never really thought old age would be the thing to get him. He always assumed his luck would run out one day, down one of the piss-soaked alleys in the underground, a knife finally finding its way between his ribs after too many years of near-misses.

Of course, this all hinges on Levi and the others surviving their expedition outside the walls. Maybe Levi won’t get the opportunity to find his profession. Maybe a titan will bite his head off before he has to worry about deciding what to do with his life.

It’s a morbid thought and there’s definitely something seriously wrong with Levi because he finds it a rather comforting one.

The only thing that serves as any sort of reliable distraction are the cadets. Not the brats Levi’s scheduled to watch on a week-by-week rotation, he could honestly not give less of a shit about them. No, the three brats Isabel’s basically adopted, brought in to effectively double their trio because she took a shine to them, and though Levi would have been content to never speak to a single one of them in the first place, he has to admit that they’re kind of funny to have around.

Mikasa seems to have gotten off relatively lightly this year. Her workload is considerably lighter than her classmates’, which means she’s one of the rare few who aren’t absolutely exhausted by dinnertime. There are a couple of other kids in her group, one Levi hasn’t had the “privilege” of overseeing yet, who are apparently the best in their year overall. Levi supposes there’s no point in Farlan or Isabel or himself overseeing their lessons when there isn’t much more they can be taught.

Eren and Armin, though, legitimately look like they’re dying. Every day Mikasa has to basically haul their asses into the mess hall and dump them onto benches where they can’t do much else other than slump over onto the tables and drool onto the wood. Another fun thing that was decided without any input from Levi is that the six of them now spend dinner together. Could be worse, though. At least the brats are usually too tired to make any sort of inane conversation.

Out of them all, Mikasa’s group is the easiest to handle because all of them are pretty adept already. Armin’s group is a lot harder, mainly because everyone in that group is there because their particular weakness is for anything labour-intensive. Levi has to hand it to Armin especially, the kid’s more resilient than he looks, but he’s not the best physically and gets worn out a lot faster than a lot of his classmates. Still, he never complains, even though he spends most of the lessons red in the face and panting, looking like he’s seconds away from dropping dead at any given moment.

Eren’s group… Well, that’s where Levi’s having trouble. Not with the kids especially; they’re all pretty decent with the gear, but nowhere near the level that Shadis apparently wants them to be. The whole thing stinks if you ask Levi, but so far he’s not been able to give voice to what’s got him feeling so weird about it.

The first two days he spends watching that class are dull as shit. Eren’s group is full of kids who have no real mind for strategy and logistics, so it’s mainly classroom based. Levi’s not much better than they are at strategy, that’s what he’s got Farlan for, but even he can tell a bad call from a shit one when they’re written down plainly on paper. The expression of deep frustration on Eren’s face would be comical if Levi weren’t just as confused by the questions Shadis pelts them with. It tests Eren in ways he isn’t used to being challenged and Levi’s not too sure the kid’s got an ounce of critical thinking rattling around inside his head.

Gear training’s always more fun with that group, though, because Levi gets to watch them get cocky and make mistakes. Arrogance and complacency are a dangerous mix and so far at least five of the cadets in Eren’s group have injured themselves trying to execute a move they’re nowhere near ready for. It’s the cockiness that always gets them, considering they’re all fairly middle of the road in terms of skill, but they’re nowhere near the worst Levi’s seen since he started sitting in on group training. For once, Eren’s got the advantage over the others, the best of them at the gear by far, though even that isn’t enough to impress Shadis.

“Absolutely diabolical!” The Commandant bellows from the forest floor, startling one of the kids so bad he gets clipped in the shoulder by a low-hanging branch. “What kind of bullshit was that, Evans? You pull that crap on the battlefield and you’ll get your empty head bitten off!”

The kid in question comes to a stumbling stop on the ground, hunching over with his hands braced against his knees as he pants for breath. All through it Shadis keeps yelling and Levi takes the opportunity to sidle away towards the only familiar face in the group. For the most part, Eren takes an uncharacteristic back seat during the training sessions, wary of drawing the Commandant’s attention.

He does it now, while Shadis’ attention is focused on the Evans kid Eren fires anchors up into the canopy and disappears through the sparse regrowth of leaves. Levi gives him a minute or so before he follows, zipping up neatly to where Eren is perched on a branch, panting hard to get his breath back. Levi nudges him over a bit and settles down beside him once he’s sure the branch will take their combined weight.

“Let me see your trigger,” Levi murmurs, holding out a hand for Eren’s right mechanism. The kid hands it over, wiping sweat from his brow with his left sleeve. “You’re doing better than before.”

“Thanks,” Eren mumbles, still somewhat breathless. “Sorry, I’ll be down in a minute. I just wanted to catch my breath before Shadis could start yelling at me.”

“You’re good,” Levi says, loosening one of the screws on the trigger mechanism. “Here. Your trigger won’t be so stiff now. That’s what’s been throwing you off. How do you always manage to pick the broken gear, anyway?”

“Shit luck,” Eren says with a soft laugh. “Thanks, though, I thought it felt weird.”

“Don’t mention it.” Levi regards Eren for a long moment before sighing and stretching a leg out to kick the bottom of Eren’s boot where it’s dangling off the branch. “Why the hell are you trying so hard, anyway? I figured you wouldn’t have so much to prove now that Mikasa’s in a different group.”

Eren pulls a face. “It’s not about that.”

“No?”

“No.” He rubs the back of his neck, grimacing at the dampness of sweat and wipes his hands on his pants because he’s disgusting. Levi briefly considers shoving him out of the tree again. “No, it’s… I don’t know.”

“Well, if you don’t know, maybe don’t try so hard? You look like you’re about to burst a blood vessel while you’re out there. Or have an aneurism or some shit. Take it easy for once in your goddamn life, kid.”

Eren laughs, albeit hollowly. “I just…” He tilts his head, glancing at Levi out of the corner of his eye. “I wanted something to come easy to me, you know? There’s never been anything that I’m good at. I’m not smart like Armin or skilled like Mikasa. It’s giving me a bit of a goddamn complex, honestly.”

Levi snorts at that. “You say that, but I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone as stubborn as you. You know lots of people never find their calling, right? You think I’m going to get a job up here I’ll be good at?”

“You have lots of talents, though,” Eren protests. Levi waves him away dismissively. “You do!”

“Kid, my talents involve a frowned-upon amount of violence. I can drop anyone four times my size and knock out people ten times my weight. I could probably kill you fifteen different ways with a piece of rope and a paperclip. Don’t fucking _laugh_ , it’s the truth.”

“Sorry,” Eren snickers, still grinning. “I just have the image of you roundhouse-kicking some guy in the face who’s, like, twice your height.”

Levi smirks. “I can guarantee you that’s probably happened. But my _point_ is that I’m not good for shit up here. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with myself after all this. I’m not exactly cut out for honest work.”

“What about Farlan and Isabel?”

“I’m not worried about them, for once,” Levi says, rolling his shoulders. “Farlan’ll have Jan who’s a merchant’s son through and through. And Farlan could probably hussle people at poker for the rest of his days and live comfortably, even if he wasn’t an engineering genius. He’s good with his hands, he’ll find work no problem. And I defy anyone to turn Isabel away from working for them. She’s good with kids, I reckon she’d make a good teacher or something.” No, for the first time in his life, Levi isn’t worried about what the two of them will do, now that they have the opportunity to live free.

“But not you?” Eren asks, regarding Levi with a level of scrutiny that leaves him feeling oddly uncomfortable. “Worried about what you’ll do after?”

“I don’t tend to worry about shit. I’m uncertain, sure, but that’s nothing new. Underground the only thing you could be sure of was that you never knew what would happen to you. Got pretty used to it early on. Never feared for my life, though, and I’m sure as shit not going to start now. But it’d be nice to have some kind of certainty, to know I could eat reliably and not have to sleep with one eye open.”

“Is that why…” Eren’s face colours abruptly. “Never mind.”

Levi raises his eyebrows. “Not like you to be so careful with what shit comes out your mouth, kid. I’m curious now, what weirdly probing question were you going to ask?”

“I don’t really want to ask it,” Eren says with a laugh. “I’m acutely aware of the fact that we’re in a tree fifty feet up and I don’t want to run the risk of you shoving me out of it again.”

Levi snorts. “Smart. But I really am curious, so ask away. I promise I won’t shove you out of the tree. Not today, anyway.”

Eren doesn’t look convinced but he concedes with a shrug, which either means he’s willing to risk being thrown out of the tree or he’s confident enough in his ability to catch himself again that it doesn’t matter if Levi breaks his promise. “I was just going to ask if… That was the reason you ate the way you do.”

Levi looks at him. Well, that wasn’t what he’d been expecting and he also wasn’t aware he ate in a way that wasn’t normal. As far as he’d been aware, he ate normally. Cutlery and all, when it was available. “How do I eat?”

“Well, I don’t _know,”_ Eren says. “That’s the point. I’ve seen food in front of you but the next minute I look, it’s gone. You eat so fast and I guess I know why.”

“Oh, that.” Levi nods. “Yeah, you eat fast when you can get your hands on food. Comes from never knowing when your next meal will be.”

“I’m sorry you had that,” Eren says sadly. “That’s not fair.”

“Fair?” Levi scoffs. “Eren, you know better than most that life isn’t fair. I’m not that cut up about it, it is what it is. You make do with what you’ve got, no use crying about it.”

“Still,” Eren mumbles, looking away. “You deserve better than that.”

Deserve? Well, hell. Levi’s never been one for dwelling on what he does and doesn’t deserve. Maybe when he was a kid he might not have deserved half the shit he went through but as he got older he definitely deserved a hell of a lot more of the crap that came his way. He lied, he cheated, he stole, he killed, no matter that he did all of that to survive, it had to have left some kind of mark against his record. If karma exists then Levi’s got some shit to answer for when he dies. 

“I appreciate the sentiment, I think,” Levi says after a moment. “But like I said, you make do with what you’ve got. And what I’ve got is the ability to hand anyone’s ass to them regardless of body type, societal standing, or origins. Fair trade off, in my opinion.”

Eren laughs which is much more preferable to his sullen moodiness from moments ago, in Levi’s humble opinion. “Enough of that,” he says, kicking Eren’s foot again for good measure. “What was I saying? Right. Maybe don’t get so hung up on the shit you’re not good at. It’s not like you have to be top ten, the scouts will still take you. You’ve got nothing to prove.”

“I know,” Eren mutters, pushing a hand through his hair. The strands are sweat-slicked and damp, the tips curling slightly as the cold air dries them. “But I just wish I could find _something_ that I’m good at.”

Levi pauses for a long moment. He’s never been very good at this kind of shit, has neither the constitution for reassurance nor the ability, but something about Eren’s expression just screams “kicked puppy” and Levi wants him to cut that shit out immediately. “Like I said, some people just don’t find things easy. But I know one thing you’re good at.”

Eren looks at him, an edge of wariness to his expression that isn’t entirely unfounded. “If you say “you’re good at annoying me”, I swear to god, Levi, I’ll push you off this fucking branch.”

Levi snorts, spluttering through his next words because the threat is so unexpected and so comical that he can’t help wheezing out a reluctant laugh, shoulders hitching with the unfamiliar force of it. Eren offers him a lopsided grin in response and Levi boxes his shoulder before he can talk himself out of it.

Just like with Farlan and Isabel. Eren’s like them, Levi doesn’t have to do anything weird or uncomfortable to cheer the kid up, doesn’t have to treat him specially. He can just act like he does around those two. Easy. Nothing to freak out about.

“No, you idiot,” Levi says, composing himself with more difficulty than he’s used to. “I was going to say that your stubborn ass is good at powering through. You make your choices and stick to them. You don’t back down from a challenge. Maybe your talent is your determination. Or having a ridiculously thick skull.” He raps his knuckles on the top of Eren’s head to illustrate his point and gets a low laugh and a playful shove for his efforts.

“Yeah? You think so? Then I’ll take it.” Eren smiles faintly. “Thanks, Levi.”

“Don’t mention it. I mean it. Don’t mention it ever. I’d be happy to never have this conversation again.”

“God, you’re the worst, you know that?”

“It’s been mentioned once or twice.”

They give it a few more minutes before dropping from the branch to rejoin the group below, all of whom look as though they’re about fifteen seconds away from passing out. Shadis glares at the both of them as they land and gives them about three seconds to right themselves before he opens his mouth and starts shouting.

“The hell are you playing at, Jaeger?!” Shadis bellows, the force of it actually knocking the kid back a step. Levi’s hand shoots up automatically, resting in the small of Eren’s back to steady him. Levi can’t tell which of them is more shocked by the gesture, but Eren doesn’t get a chance to question it, because Shadis is going off and cannot be stopped. “You gave me all that shit about being better with the gear and you come into my training sessions and fly around the circuit like a lame dog? At this rate taking you out back and shooting you might be a mercy!”

“Sir! I’ll do better next time, sir!” Eren barks, saluting like that’ll do him any good. 

“That’s an excuse I keep hearing from you, maggot! If this is better then you’ve got about as much chance surviving outside the walls as a fresh shit! You going to keep half-assing your training? I thought you wanted to kill titans, not feed them! What happened to the fiery little shit who swore to get vengeance for his mother’s death? How are you going to manage that when you can barely fly in a straight line?”

Levi could have handled any shit Shadis could throw without reacting in the slightest. He’s gotten pretty good at tuning Shadis out by now. But Eren flinches at the mention of his mother and, honest to god, Levi’s vision goes red.

Next thing he knows, his knuckles are stinging, Shadis is on his ass in the dirt, and there are several pairs of wide, shocked eyes centred on Levi like they can’t believe what they’re seeing.

An incredibly tense silence descends over the group. Eren’s entire body is a harsh line of shock so intense Levi can feel him practically vibrating beneath the palm Levi still has pressed against the small of his back. Shadis, for his part, gets to his feet without a word, brushing dirt from his coat with as much dignity as he can muster.

“Get back to the compound,” Shadis says, voice softer than Levi’s ever heard it, simmering with tightly controlled rage. “Not a word of this to _anyone_.”

Every kid in their group scrambles to obey save for Eren who doesn’t look like he could move if his life depended on it. Levi makes the move for him, grabbing his arm and hauling him away from Shadis before the Commandant can change his mind about dismissing them and retaliate. They don’t follow the rest of the group, though. Levi hauls Eren into the trees at a rapid pace, dragging the kid along until they’re alone in the forest.

“You good?” Levi asks, turning Eren to face him.

Eren’s eyes are wide. “...You punched…” 

“Forget about that, are you okay? You looked like--”

“You _punched_ the Commandant.”

Levi huffs. “Yes, well spotted. Are you _okay_ , brat? You looked like you were going to start crying.”

Eren blinks as though coming out of a daze. “What? No, I’m fine, I just wasn’t expecting-- Levi, you _punched_ the Commandant!”

“Yes, we established that.”

Eren laughs, a high, breathless sound of disbelief. “I can’t believe you did that.”

“Yeah, well, he had no right to bring up--”

Levi makes a wordless sound of dismay the second Eren’s arms wrap around him, pulling him into a tight, horrifically uncomfortable embrace. Levi stands there, unsure of what to do, while Eren holds him close, face smushed against Eren’s chest uncomfortably. His first thought is that he’s absolutely going to maim Eren for overstepping the boundary Levi’s been _very_ resolute about putting down. Either by stabbing him or snapping his scrawny neck, Levi hasn’t decided yet. The second thought is that the kid runs absurdly hot. His skin is practically scorching Levi’s cheeks, even through his shirt and jacket.

“Eren,” Levi says with a calmness he absolutely does not feel. “Let go of me now and I won’t break every one of your limbs.”

Wisely, the kid lets him go and Levi scowls at him as he straightens out his jacket. “Don’t ever pull that shit again, you hear me?”

“Sorry,” Eren says, looking anything but. “But I can’t believe you did that.”

“Yes, and I’m fucking regretting it now, aren’t I? You should have warned me that doing shit for you ran the risk of you _hugging_ me. Cut that shit out, Jaeger, I’m serious.”

“Okay, okay,” Eren says, raising his hands placatingly. “I just… Shit, Levi, you could get arrested for that. Or court marshalled or _worse.”_

Levi huffs. “Shadis talks a big game, but I’m not scared of him. I’ve taken shits bigger and scarier than he is. And I’m not planning on making a habit out of it, I just…” Levi trails off then, suddenly aware that his reason for dropping the Commandant isn’t exactly one he can voice without sounding completely deranged. Eren might understand it, being that he lacks any sort of common sense and tends to think that arguments can be settled with fists. He’s not wrong and there are times when Levi would think the same. But smacking your instructor in the face because he upset one of your friends with clumsy words isn’t exactly the kind of defence that would hold up during an inquiry.

Also… Why had Levi given a shit in the first place? It’s not like Shadis is a fucking delight by any stretch of the imagination. Everything that comes out of that bastard’s mouth is loud and unpleasant and Eren’s likely heard a lot worse since he enlisted. Why the hell had Levi of all people been the one to react?

“Well, thank you,” Eren says, eyes bright. “I really hope you don’t get shit for this.”

“Don’t…” Levi clears his throat. “It’s fine. Fucker had it coming anyway. Hopefully he’ll think twice before running his mouth the second time around.”

“Doubt it,” Eren says. “But here’s to hoping. Come on.” He reaches out like he’s going to grab Levi’s arm but wisely thinks better of it and lets his hand drop back to his side. “Let’s go get some food for you to inhale faster than the eye can see.”

“Maybe I eat normally and you’re just an unobservant little shit,” Levi says, kicking him in the shin. “You ever think of that, shit-for-brains?”

“Don’t be so moody,” Eren says, wincing. “Do you need another hug?”

“Oh, try it, Jaeger, see how far you get.”

They trudge back to the mess in companionable silence after that, having finished far earlier than usual thanks to Levi’s overeager fist. He doesn't regret it, though. He’s been wanting to drop Shadis since day one, his careless words regarding Eren’s mother were just the excuse he needed. Not that he’s ever needed an excuse to drop someone, but it makes him feel a little better about the whole thing if he has justification for it. There’s no pleasure in handing someone’s ass to them if they don’t deserve it.

“Go ahead without me,” Eren says as they reach the mess. “I’m gonna go get cleaned up first. See you in there?”

“Whatever,” Levi says with an absent wave. Eren jogs away and Levi heads into the mess where Farlan and Mikasa are already at their usual table in the corner, a deck of cards spread out between them. Armin and Isabel’s group won’t be done for another hour or so, so it’ll be just the three of them until then. Which is fine, Mikasa’s easy to be around because she doesn’t talk much. A girl after Levi’s own heart.

“Don’t panic,” he says when the two of them look up at his approach. “Eren’s not dead, he’s just gone to clean up. We finished early.”

“Oh, nice,” Farlan says, gathering up their cards. “Want me to deal you in?”

“Sure.”

They pass the next hour like that, playing a few rounds until Isabel turns up with one of Armin’s arms around her shoulders as she helps him over to the table. He looks even paler than usual and there’s a nasty bruise forming right in the centre of his forehead. Farlan hisses in sympathy and Mikasa gets up to fetch her friend some food, though he doesn’t look like he’ll be able to stomach much.

“It was brutal,” Isabel says, looking a little shell-shocked. “They had us running drills until the cadets couldn’t stand. I watched two of them throw a punch at the same time and knock each other out. Which would have been hilarious if we didn’t have to cart them off to Zofia. Who’s on the warpath, by the way, so don’t get injured or she might kill you.”

“Yikes,” Farlan says, reaching over the table to poke Armin right in the bruise. The kid whines weakly and attempts to slap him away, missing by a mile. His eyes are glazed over and vacant. “Are you sure he’s not concussed?”

“Not entirely,” Isabel says, patting Armin consolingly on the shoulder. She has to grab him by the shirt so he doesn’t just flop bonelessly onto the floor. “But like I said, Zofia’s overrun with sick cadets right now. I didn’t want to add to her workload.”

Farlan leans over to wave a hand in front of Armin’s eyes. The kid doesn’t so much as twitch. “This _can’t_ be legal,” he says. “They’re running these kids too hard. We should do something.”

“If you think you can wear Shadis down then by all means, please go ahead,” Mikasa says as she comes back, setting a bowl of stew down in front of Armin. She tears off a chunk of bread and stuffs it into his mouth. He doesn’t lift his head from the table, just chews slowly, eyes far away. Good lord. “For all the good it will do. We just have to grin and bear it, I suppose.”

“I don’t think Armin can even manage a smile right now,” Isabel says, cooing at him like a concerned mother. Levi reaches over to slap her hand away when she attempts to poke Armin’s bruise for herself. 

“Take the bread out of his mouth before he chokes,” Levi says. “Let him nap or something he looks like he’s about to fucking die.” Mikasa does as she’s told, carefully removing the bread from Armin’s mouth. The moment it’s gone the kid’s eyes slide closed and he starts snoring softly. Judging by the state of him, he could probably use the rest.

“This is grim,” Farlan says with a grimace. “Though it makes a warped sort of sense, I guess. If you’re training people to fight titans, the endurance training needs to be pretty brutal.”

“Most of them won’t be fighting titans, though,” Mikasa points out. “There are a few who will join the MPs, but most will likely enlist into the Wall Garrison. Middle ground, safety. There’s only the suicidal idiots who want to join the scouts.” 

“Eren,” Isabel says, nodding sagely.

“Right.”

“You could join, too,” Farlan says to her. “I know you want to stick with Eren, but you really are throwing away a pretty good position.”

Mikasa shakes her head. “I wouldn’t join even if I didn’t have Eren. I wouldn’t have enlisted at all, actually. But someone has to make sure he stays safe out there.”

“Pretty cocky, don’t you think?” Levi says, raising an eyebrow at her. “There are skilled veterans who can’t even hold their own reliably against a titan and you think you can?” He doesn’t mean for that to come across as insulting, he’s merely curious as to what it is about this girl that gives her that quiet sense of confidence.

“I won’t know until I face one down,” Mikasa says, gazing back at him levelly. “But Eren stands a better chance of surviving if I’m with him than he does on his own. Or don’t you feel the same about Isabel and Farlan?”

Levi’s mouth twitches. Well, she’s got him there. “Point taken,” is all he says.

Eren joins them shortly after that, freshly showered and looking more awake than he has since the year started. He greets them all and sits himself down beside Armin, waking his friend with a kind of gentleness that Levi hadn’t known he was capable of, helping the poor kid to eat his stew with soft words of encouragement, going so far as to hold his damn spoon for him.

“How come you guys finished so early?” Mikasa asks once Armin no longer looks like he’s at death’s door. There’s some more colour in his cheeks, at least. “Does it have anything to do with why Shadis stormed back into the compound looking like he was going to murder the next person to speak to him?”

“It might,” Eren says, looking viciously smug. “But we’ve been sworn to secrecy on pain of death.”

“I punched him,” Levi says to spoil Eren’s fun. “He got too mouthy and it pissed me off.”

“Fuck, I wish I’d been there,” Farlan laughs. “What’d he say?”

“Before or after I clocked him?”

“Before.”

“Can’t remember,” Levi says. “I wasn’t really paying attention.”

“You do realise you’ve probably made the situation worse, right?” Mikasa says, the picture of disapproval. “We’ve all wanted to hit him at some point but you’ve given him the perfect excuse to retaliate now.”

“He can retaliate all he wants,” Levi says. “I’ll hit him harder next time.”

Once they’ve eaten, Isabel sends the younger three off to bed because she’s really leaning into the whole mother vibe she’s got going on, then heads back to their quarters with Levi and Farlan, where they’ll settle down with the pack of cards for a few rounds before bed. Isabel prepares the tea this time which is almost as bad as when Farlan does it because she gets too impatient and doesn’t steep the tea for long enough, but Levi’s long since given up trying to teach the two of them the art of brewing tea.

He sits down on his bunk to yank his boots off, frowning when something under his blanket crinkles when disturbed. He gets to his feet again, ripping the blanket back and staring down at the mattress with an expression of abject confusion.

“Everything okay?” Farlan asks, coming over to stand beside him. “Oh, you got a stash? Good idea.”

It _is_ a good idea. But it hadn’t been _Levi’s_ idea. He has no idea where any of this has come from, the protein bars and dried fruit and paper packets that, on inspection, contain strips of dried meat. There’s a piece of paper tucked under one of the bars that Levi unfolds and nearly drops when surprise slackens his fingers.

_Hopefully this eases some of the uncertainty about where your next meal will come from. Thanks for smacking Shadis for me. - Eren_

Levi swallows hard. This is, quite possibly, the kindest thing that anyone has ever done for him and he has absolutely no idea how to feel about it.

“Levi?” Farlan asks, sounding concerned. “You alright?”

“What?” Levi shakes himself. “I’m fine.”

“You sure? You look… weird.” Farlan’s eyebrows raise. “You’re smiling.”

Levi scowls at him. “No, I’m not, fuck off.”

“You were! What’s that you’re holding? Oh, is it a _love_ note?”

Levi punches him hard in the shoulder. “Stop being annoying. It’s just… Eren. Thanking me for punching Shadis.”

Farlan stops rubbing his sore arm to look at him. “You punched Shadis for Eren?”

“No, I punched Shadis because he needed punching. He just said something to Eren that gave me the excuse I needed.” Levi hesitates before sighing and holding the letter out. Farlan takes it, eyes flitting over the words before his mouth drops open in shock.

“Okay,” Farlan says in acute disbelief, “so you punched Shadis in Eren’s defence and Eren thanked you for that by giving you _food?_ And judging by his little love note here it’s because you told him about going hungry underground?”

“You’re making it sound _weird._ And it’s _not_ a--”

“It _is_ weird!” Farlan insists. “You’re talking to him like…”

“Like _what?”_

“Like he’s _us,”_ Farlan says, gesturing to himself. “Like you talk to me and Isabel. Like he’s your friend.”

Now Levi’s bewildered. “Is that a bad thing? You’re the one who’s always on my dick about me being _nice_ to people.”

“No, I’m not saying that it’s _bad_. I’m just saying… As long as I’ve known you, you’ve never been the most…” Farlan hesitates for a moment. “... _Personable_ of people. Actually, you’re a fucking nightmare all of the time. But you’ve got no problem with Eren, apparently.”

Levi makes to snatch the note back, feeling rather defensive all of a sudden. Farlan darts back and away, holding the note out of his reach like the shitbag he is. “You’re making this a bigger deal than it needs to be,” Levi snaps. “The brat was just being grateful. Give that _back._ ”

“Mm, you’re pretty defensive about your _not_ love note,” Farlan hums, grinning widely. “It’s so strange to see you making friends.” He wipes an imaginary tear from his eye. “Never thought I’d see the day.”

“Shove it,” Levi snaps. “And if you breathe _one_ word of this to Isabel, I’ll strangle you in your sleep.”

“Say one word to me about what?” Isabel asks, nudging the door open with her hip, teatray in her arms.

“Nothing,” Farlan says easily, slipping the note back to Levi surreptitiously. “Just guy talk, you know how it is. Talking about… uhh… Girls?”

Isabel looks at him. “You. Talking about girls?”

“I can talk about girls!”

“Sure,” Isabel says skeptically. “But with Levi?”

“I wasn’t part of the conversation,” he says. “Farlan was talking _at_ me. You know what he’s like.” 

Isabel nods in agreement which Farlan takes exception to, and the two of them start bickering which gives Levi the chance to move the pile of food from his bed to the small chest of drawers his spare uniform is in. He spends a few moments deciding what to do with the note, fully aware that Isabel will find it and give him shit if he leaves it lying around. After a moment of deliberation, he folds it carefully and tucks it into the back of the one book he owns, slipping it under his pillow beside his knife.

He turns to the others to break up their childish squabbling, but the job’s done for him by a soft knock at the door. Farlan moves away from Isabel to open it, revealing Nairi on the other side.

“Sorry to disturb you,” she says, smiling faintly though it doesn’t reach her eyes. “A messenger brought this for you.” She holds out a letter that Farlan takes, flipping it over to inspect the seal on the back side. Red wax, imprinted with a pair of overlapping wings.

“Thanks, Nairi,” Farlan says, holding the letter out to Levi. “Did the messenger say anything?”

“Just to give this to you as a matter of urgency,” the instructor says. “Have a pleasant evening, you three.”

Farlan bids her good night and closes the door as Levi breaks the seal, unfolding the letter and scanning the contents with a deepening sense of dread. It’s then that the realisation crashes over Levi like a wave. The reason for his unease, his disquiet, and his tension. The reason he’s been on edge since the year started. It’s because he was waiting for this.

“What’s it say?” Isabel asks, leaning over his shoulder. “Who’s it from?”

“The Commander,” Levi says flatly, handing the letter to Farlan. 

“Smith?” Isabel asks, eyes widening. “Why’s he writing to us?”

“Use your brain for once in your life, Isabel,” Levi snaps. “Why else would he be writing to us? We’re shipping out.”

“Now?” Isabel asks, alarmed.

“No,” Farlan murmurs, pushing a hand through his hair. “April.” He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “The next expedition is in April. Less than three months. We’re to report to the headquarters on the third, to ship out from Calaneth District on the tenth.”

“Oh,” Isabel says. “So soon?”

“This is what we wanted, right?” Farlan says, attempting a jovial smile and falling horrifically short. He just looks like he’s in pain. “Get this out the way and we’re topside citizens. This is a good thing.”

“Yeah,” Levi murmurs. He wraps an arm around Isabel’s shoulders before he can think about it and pulls her tight to his side. She’s trembling. “We just have to make it back alive.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to take a minute to say how blown away I am by all of your lovely comments. I read every one and they always put such a huge smile on my face you have NO idea. I'm so pleased ya'll are enjoying the story because I am enjoying writing it so much!
> 
> Happy new year to all of you. No wishes for 2021 to be better than 2020, because I really don't wanna fuckin' jynx it :/

Something's off and if it’s off enough for Eren to notice it, that means it’s something _bad._

It’s not just that Shadis has decided to take his frustrations out on Eren specifically, Eren can handle that he’s not a fucking baby, though he is starting to wish that he had some of Levi’s ballsy attitude so he could knock the Commandant down himself. A younger Eren wouldn’t think twice about it, but right now the Commandant is the only one standing between Eren and his future as a scout, so he wisely keeps his hands to himself. 

Shadis has a deep purple bruise covering his left eye that Eren cannot stop looking at whenever he starts yelling. It’s not really Eren’s fault that he keeps looking, considering the bruise is an angry purple-black that stands out starkly against the skin of his face and Shadis winces whenever he opens his mouth too wide and it’s there because of Eren, in a roundabout sort of way, but he doesn’t feel bad about it at all. All he can think about, whenever he sees it, is the way Levi had lunged forward, all hard eyes and explosive fury, the moment Shadis’ words had hit home. It’s not the first time someone’s come to Eren’s defence, though usually that’s Mikasa’s job and most of the time she’s ending a fight that Eren’s started. For once, he didn’t throw the first punch. Levi did and Eren’s been thinking about it ever since.

Levi comes across as the spikiest fucker on earth. He’s not the kind of guy you look to for support, for backup, and he’s definitely not the sort of person who’d put himself out to help someone else, not unless he stood to gain something from it. That’s not Eren being disingenuous, Levi is literally, by his own declaration, a bit of an asshole. Which is kind of the reason Eren likes him.

Usually, the draw of self-proclaimed assholes is that they’re rude and standoffish to everyone except the people they like. This isn’t the case with Levi. If he likes you, he tends to insult you more frequently than he does anyone else, because he knows you can take it. Eren’s watched him do it to Isabel and Farlan countless times since they started hanging out. Levi had even said as much when Eren extended the hand of friendship officially. He’d said that there was no hidden softness, that what you saw was what you got and Eren hadn’t been lying when he’d said he wasn’t looking for special treatment.

He likes Levi as he is, admires his skill and his strength, finds him weirdly funny despite the fact that laughing at him runs the risk of serious injury. He’s overly stoic, abrasive and rude, and he has the worst sort of toilet humour that Eren’s ever encountered. In spite of all that, or maybe because of it, Eren’s still strangely fond of him.

He just can’t quite put his finger on why.

He doesn’t get much time to dwell on it, not with Shadis firmly on the warpath following his humiliation by Levi’s hand. The news hasn’t spread any farther than Eren’s group of trainees - save his friends because he couldn’t _not_ tell them - and thankfully Shadis doesn’t take his anger out on any of the other cadets. No, he keeps his fury centred almost exclusively on Eren, which is fine, Eren had expected that, and it doesn’t really begin in earnest until Levi’s turn overseeing Eren’s group is over and Isabel takes over, but once it does Eren knows he’s in for a world of pain for the foreseeable future.

Worth it, though. The image of Levi knocking Shadis on his ass is going to stay with him for the rest of his life. But regardless of Shadis’ new and personal vendetta against Eren, that’s not what’s got him so tangled up. 

It’s not the gruelling training, there’s nothing new there. Honestly, Eren would’ve been left completely in the dark about the fact that there was something wrong if Isabel wasn’t such an open book. The first day she walks into the classroom Eren knows that whatever is off has something to do with her, because there are dark circles under her eyes that would look more at home on Levi’s chronically moody face than marring her usually bright and cheerful expression. 

Having Isabel overseeing their group should have been a welcome reprieve. She’s mischievous and effervescent and has an uncanny ability to diffuse tension like a skilled mediator, which would have meant that while she’s around she could divert Shadis’ attention without much effort. But rather than burst into the classroom like a fiery ball of energy the way Eren had expected her to, she just takes a seat at the back and hunches her shoulders, looking like all she wants to do is curl in on herself. 

Eren doesn’t get a chance to talk to her until dinner. The entire day his concentration is divided between the frustrating questions Shadis keeps overloading them with and the miserable girl sat at the back of the class, silent and sullen and very, very wrong. Eren waits until Shadis turns his back to scrawl something else on the blackboard before he scribbles a quick note and tosses it back to her. It lands on her desk and she glances at it but makes no move to unfold it and read its contents.

Shadis hits him round the back of the head with a yardstick for his troubles.

It’s not until they’re finished for the day that Eren gets a chance to speak to Isabel, though he nearly misses the opportunity because she’s out the door the moment Shadis dismisses them. Eren abandons everything left on his desk to run after her, sprinting down the hall and catching her by the arm before she can disappear into the women’s showers.

“What’s going on with you?” Eren asks, more sharply than he intends. “Has something happened?”

Isabel looks at him with dead eyes for a long moment before they fill with sudden tears and Eren barely gets any warning before she’s throwing her arms around him and sobbing into his chest. Lost for what to do, Eren wraps his arms around her, tentatively patting her back while she soaks the front of his shirt.

“Um,” he says, petting her hair. “Was it something I said?”

Isabel shakes her head, clutching him tighter, so Eren gives up on his quest for a coherent answer and just holds her until she’s done, doing nothing much other than murmuring soft nonsense to try and soothe her.

It works, after a while. Isabel pulls back with a wet sniff, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. “Don’t tell the others,” she hiccups and Eren mimes zipping his mouth shut.

“Are you alright?” He asks gently.

She nods. “I’m okay. I just…” She takes a deep breath, closing her eyes like she’s trying not to cry again. “We got a letter from Smith the other night. We ship out on the third of April.”

Eren cocks his head. “Ship out? What do-- Oh.”

Oh.

So that’s what it is. The summons have come and the three of them will be leaving in a few short weeks to join the ranks of the scouts for real. And judging by the soaked state of Eren’s shirt, Isabel’s terrified about it. Eren can’t really blame her, having seen what he has. As much as he wants to join the scouts himself, he can’t blame her for being terrified. Eren probably would be too, if he had more common sense than he does.

“Scared?” Eren asks, resting a hand on her shoulder. She nods. “That’s okay. But you’ve got Levi and Farlan and a whole squad who’ll be with you. I know you guys will be just fine.”

It’s the emptiest of platitudes but it’s all Eren has to offer. Other than it being a total lie, Eren _doesn’t_ know that they’ll be fine because although he doesn’t doubt their abilities in the slightest, has complete faith in them being able to hold their own, titans are unpredictable and have killed more veteran scouts than they can name. A couple dozen ten-meters would be fine, for a well-organized squad. But even the most cohesive squad can be decimated by a single abnormal.

All Eren has, all any of them have, is hope. Hope that they’ll be lucky enough to survive.

“Hey,” Eren says, tugging one of Isabel’s pigtails softly. “No one’s seen the shit you guys have. I’ve never met anyone who’s got as much fight in them as you have. I reckon you guys’ll kick ass out there. And you’ll come back and get to live the life you’ve always wanted. Isn’t that worth a little risk?”

Isabel gives him a watery smile. “Yeah,” she admits softly. “You’re right. Thanks, Eren.”

“Anytime.” Before he can overthink it, Eren leans in to kiss her forehead softly. He’s never been great with offering comfort, is more likely to insult someone than soothe them, but Isabel inspires softness in people in the strangest of ways. Sadness looks wrong on her usually bright face. There isn’t a lot Eren wouldn’t do to rid her of it, if he could. “Go clean up, I’ll meet you in the mess?”

She nods and slips into the showers and Eren heads for the men’s facilities to wash up before dinner, thoughts whirling a mile a minute. He can’t deny that he’s anxious for the three of them to finally ship out. It’s not just the fact that they’ll be riding out into titan country that has Eren so distressed, though that is the larger part of it. The smaller, more selfish part of him is upset that the three of them get to join the scouts so soon and Eren still has just under two years until he can join. He wants to be going with them, not being left behind.

He’s also sad that he’ll be seeing them go. They’ve become such fast friends and Eren is loath to lose that. Farlan and Isabel, even moody Levi, Eren cares about them all so much, as much as he does Armin and Mikasa, and not seeing them every day is going to be so jarring. They’re as much a part of Eren’s cadet life as anyone else and he’s really going to miss them once they’re gone.

He’s so caught up in his confusing swirl of conflicting thoughts and feelings that he doesn’t notice when someone else comes into the shower rooms until a pale hand is waving back and forth in front of his face.

“Earth to Eren,” Levi says, one sharp brow raising. “The hell were you? I was calling your name for like five minutes.”

“Oh,” Eren says, blinking rapidly. “Sorry, I was…” He shakes his head. “Isabel told me. About you guys shipping out, I mean.”

“Oh, that,” Levi says, like it means nothing. “Yeah, the third.”

“That’s so much sooner than I was expecting.” Eren frowns. “Actually, I guess I didn’t really know when I expected you guys to be shipping out. I got so used to seeing you around, it’ll be weird when you’re gone.”

“You gonna miss us?” Levi asks, a mocking edge creeping into his tone. Eren flips him off mildly and Levi huffs out that quiet little wheeze of laughter that’s basically a guffaw by his standards. “It was always going to happen. Not exactly the way I envisioned it, but beggars can’t be choosers and all that.”

“Are you scared?” Eren asks, somewhat stupidly.

Levi gives him a look that tells Eren exactly how stupid he thinks that question is. “Do I need to answer that?”

Eren snorts. “Guess not. Farlan and Isabel, though…”

“Will be fine,” Levi says with an uncharacteristic amount of conviction. “I couldn’t care less about what happens to the rest of your precious scouts, kid. I’ve got two people who I’ll be bringing back inside the walls no matter how many bodies I have to step over on the way.”

As if Eren would expect any less of him. “It’s good that they have you,” he says warmly. Levi stares at him for a long moment before huffing and turning away, ignoring Eren in favour of undressing methodically in preparation for the shower.

Eren smiles to himself and sheds his jacket, folding it messily and tucking it onto one of the shelves. He hears water start running from one of the cubicles as Levi begins his shower and Eren quickly sheds the rest of his clothes while they still have some privacy. Communal showers are, unfortunately, something they’ve had to get used to in their time as cadets, but it doesn’t mean Eren’s happy about it. He tends to try and shower whenever the washrooms are at their quietest, which means he usually ends up in here at odd hours of the day. It seems like training has overrun a little for the other groups so Eren has a brief window in which to wash up before they’re interrupted.

He steps into the cubicle and turns the shower faucet, yelping when icy water blasts him across the back, despite his attempts to keep out of the way. Levi snickers in the stall next to him so Eren flicks water over the partition at him in retaliation.

“Water’s cold for me, too, dumbass,” Levi says, thumping on the wall between them. “What the hell was that meant to do?”

“It’s the principle of the thing,” Eren mumbles, grimacing as he edges under the water bit by bit. God, how he misses the tin bath at his old home. His mom always used to be able to draw a bath that was always the perfect temperature. Never too hot, never too cold. Always perfect, no matter what. Eren’s chest twinges a little at the memory.

“You got soap?”

Distracted, Eren glances around. He’d forgotten to grab it. “Uhh? Shit, no.”

“Here.” Eren looks up, expecting to see Levi’s hand reaching over the partition to hand him a bar, but he finds nothing.

“Down, idiot,” Levi says impatiently and Eren glances downwards, finally spotting Levi’s hand reaching beneath the partition instead, bar of soap held between slender fingers. Eren presses his lips tightly together against the laughter that threatens to bubble over when he realises Levi’s probably too short to reach over the partition. He takes the soap with a mumble of thanks, sniffing it absently.

Lavender and… Patchouli, maybe? It smells expensive, whatever it is. “...This isn’t regulation soap,” Eren says after a moment.

“Damn right it’s not,” Levi says. “Swiped that from the instructors’ washroom the minute I saw it. You wouldn't believe the shit they keep for themselves.”

“Slick bastard,” Eren says fondly, soaping himself up with it. It’s so much nicer than the abrasive sandstone blocks they have to clean with usually. “Do me a favour?”

“Fuck, what now?”

Eren grins. “When you have your nice little house and you’re settled down after your expedition, can you send me some nice soap so I don’t have to suffer the rest of the time I’m in training?”

Levi huffs in amusement. “Yeah, sure. I owe you one, anyway.”

Eren frowns at that. “What for? I thought we were even after the whole… stabbing scenario.”

“For the food,” Levi says, voice level. “Yeah, I found your little care package.”

“Oh!” Eren beams, even though Levi can’t see him. “I’m glad. But you don’t owe me for that. You gave Shadis that nice purple shiner for me. As far as I’m concerned, I owe you for the rest of my life for that.”

“Nah, kid, that was my sincere pleasure. Fucker had it coming, you can’t say he didn’t.”

No, that’s true. But Eren hadn’t been thinking of that when he’d stolen into the kitchen’s pantry and pilfered the food to leave for Levi to find. All he’d been thinking about was the dispassionate way Levi had mentioned his near-starvation during his years below ground. Eren’s lucky, he only went hungry every third night or so while they were living as wards inside wall Rose, but even then they always had at least half a loaf of bread to eat courtesy of Armin’s grandfather. 

“Still,” Eren says after a moment. “I wanted to do it. You…” He trails off, unsure of how to word what he wants to say. He’s vividly aware that speaking rashly around Levi will more often than not lead to pain.

“I…?” Levi prompts. The water on his side shuts off and Eren scrambles to arrange his thoughts before they have to continue this conversation face to face, because it’s a lot harder to talk about this kind of shit with eye-contact.

“You’re my friend,” Eren settles on, washing the soap suds from his body with quick, jerky movements. “I wanted to do something nice for you. Because fuck knows you must not get that often, being the unrepentant asshole that you are to literally everyone.” 

Levi snorts. “Fair point. And even though I’m an asshole, I still have manners. Thanks, Eren.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Now don’t do shit like that again. I told you I don’t like owing people. You don’t need to suck up to me, I hate that shit. I’ll kick your damn teeth in.”

Eren laughs and shuts off the water, reaching for his towel to dry off. “You ruined it! One moment you’re thanking me, the next you’re threatening me.”

“I contain multitudes,” Levi says, deadpan.

Wrapping the towel around his waist, Eren shakes his hair out and steps out of the cubicle to dress. He makes it about halfway to the shelf where he left his clothes before he stops, physically unable to move even a single step further.

It’s…

There’s...

Levi’s not...

So, Eren’s been showering communally for over a year now. There’s not a lot he hasn’t seen and he doesn’t give even the slightest of shits about modesty, really. Sure, he likes his privacy, but you don’t get a lot of that when you bunk with ten other teenage boys and spend literally every waking and unconscious moment around dozens of other people. The only time Eren gets even a moment of time for himself is when he has to go to the bathroom to piss or whatever, so he’s pretty used to being around people in all states of undress or otherwise.

But something about Levi standing there in nothing but a towel makes Eren quickly avert his gaze, cheeks heating for a reason he can’t hope to name.

It’s probably because he’s never seen Levi in anything other than his uniform. It’s jarring to see him like this, that’s all it is. And it’s impolite to stare, would likely get Eren a black eye to match Shadis’ if he did, so looking away is just the considerate thing to do.

Doesn’t really explain why his stomach feels like it’s dropped to somewhere in the vicinity of his knees, though.

Surprise. That’s what it is. He was probably expecting Levi to already be dressed.

Yeah.

Eren clears his throat and heads for his clothes, dressing in record time, ignoring the way his clothes catch uncomfortably to his still-damp skin. He feels a lot more comfortable now that he’s dressed and when he risks turning around again, Levi’s buttoning himself into a clean shirt, otherwise fully dressed. Eren breathes a private sigh of relief.

“I’ve got to dump this in the laundry room,” Levi says, picking up his neatly folded pile of dirty clothes and gesturing with them. “See you in the mess?”

“Sure,” Eren says, frowning when it comes out more hoarsely than he’d like. He coughs. “Yeah, see you there.”

Luckily Levi doesn’t seem to pick up on Eren’s momentary awkwardness, or more likely just doesn’t care enough to mention it, but either way he tucks his clothes under his arm and leaves the washroom, leaving Eren alone to have his quiet freak out in peace.

The hell was that about? Eren’s seen a hell of a lot more than someone’s bare fucking chest in his time as a cadet. He’s seen Reiner and Jean parading around happy as you please without a shred of shame. He’s probably so thrown by it because it was Levi, fastidious and private Levi, who Eren hadn’t even known had a fucking neck because he wears that fucking weird necktie thing out of personal choice.

Yeah, that’s all it was. 

Crisis averted, Eren heads out of the washroom towards the mess where Isabel and Mikasa are already waiting at their table. Isabel looks much better now that she’s showered, cheerier and less like she’s seconds away from bursting into tears at any given moment. Both the girls smile when Eren jogs over and Levi joins them a moment later, sans laundry.

“How was training?” Eren asks Mikasa once Levi’s sat down.

“Good,” she says, nodding at Levi. “Callum’s wires got tangled.”

“You’re _kidding.”_

“Nope. We think he was a tad threatened by Levi’s skill and was trying to show off.”

“Dickhead,” Levi says, sounding satisfied. Mikasa smirks at him.

Farlan and Armin catch up to them not half an hour later and Eren’s beyond pleased to see Armin walking by himself, no longer looking like he had to be dragged away from the training circuit by his ankle. It’s much the same as it was during their first year. As the week’s go by their endurance increases as training that had felt so impossibly gruelling before is beginning to get easier by virtue of muscle memory learned through repetition. Now if only Eren could get his head around tactical theory, he’d be set.

None of them mention the upcoming expedition, but it's clear Mikasa and Armin have already been told about it by Isabel and Farlan. There's that same look of quiet dismay in their eyes that Eren knows must be in his own. Farlan's usual easy-going smile is a little too thin and Isabel's cheery disposition is dimmer than normal. The only one who seems unaffected by the whole thing is Levi, but Eren's willing to bet that he's just as uneasy about the whole thing as the rest of them, he's just better at hiding it. And if Eren looks hard enough, whenever his gaze drifts to Levi when the other's attention is diverted and Eren can look without fear of being seen, there's a tightness around Levi's eyes that speaks louder than his words ever could.

Eren doesn't want to say goodbye to them. Not ever, but especially not when there's a chance it might be the last time they ever see each other. He wonders why that thought hurts so much.

It’s not until he and Armin are settling down for bed that Eren lets his thoughts drift back to his weird moment in the shower. He’s really not sure what to make of it and he’s keenly aware that his attempts to reason with himself have failed because they’re not true. He wrestles silently with himself for a good ten minutes before he rolls over in bed towards Armin’s bunk and it’s then another ten minutes before he can force himself to speak.

“Hey, Armin? You awake?”

The response takes a moment to come. “Not yet.” He doesn’t sound particularly thrilled about being disturbed but he’d have ignored Eren if he really didn’t want to talk. That’s not true, he’d have responded anyway. He’s always been reliable like that. “You okay, Eren?”

“Yeah, I… Are there… Is there anyone…” He huffs in frustration. “Are there any of our classmates that you… like?” He keeps his voice pitched low, wary of eavesdroppers, but judging by the snores coming from every direction in the dark, they’re safe in that respect.

He hears Armin shift, likely rolling over to face Eren though they can’t see each other through the nighttime shadow. “...Like as in…?”

“Don’t make me say it,” Eren whispers, pained. “You know what I mean.”

“You’re the one who started the conversation,” Armin says, sounding amused. “Why, is there someone you like?”

Eren groans softly, smothering his face into his pillow. They sound like children, chattering about childish crushes and the irony of it is not lost on Eren. “I’m just curious. You know, like Christa and Ymir are always together and I’m pretty sure something’s going on between Reiner and Berholdt. And the way horseface fawns over Mikasa _all of the time.”_ Not that Eren’s ever really given a shit about anything like that, but he’s confused enough inside his own head that he’s willing to risk humiliation for some reassurance. 

“I suppose,” Armin murmurs, sounding thoughtful. “I guess… There’s people in our class that I… admire? I think they’re talented and I like their personalities. But no one I’m particularly sweet on.”

“Right.” Eren had expected that and he doesn’t know if he’s reassured by the answer or distressed by it, isn’t sure if he would have preferred Armin to confess to a crush or if he’s happy that he doesn’t have to endure Armin simpering about one of their classmates. Not that Armin’s ever been the particularly romantic type, but then again none of them have. It’s not really something people their age focus on, there’s not really any time between losing your home to titans and intensive training.

“Are you?” Armin asks, just when Eren thinks he’s safe. “Sweet on anyone, I mean.”

Eren pulls a face in the dark. “I don’t… Know? I don’t think so. I’m not even sure I’d know if I was.”

“Not everyone is,” Armin says. “Some people don’t work like that, some people do.” Then, because Armin’s far too perceptive and Eren really should have known better than to initiate this kind of conversation with him, he says, “what brought this on? You sound confused. Did something happen?”

Eren sighs, curling his knees up to his chest. “I am, I think. Confused, I mean. Nothing’s happened. At least, nothing important. Like I said, I don’t really… know. Have you ever had a crush before?”

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, on Mikasa.”

“Mi--” Eren snaps his mouth shut when his sister’s name threatens to come out as a shocked yelp. He takes care to keep his voice low when he next speaks. “On _Mikasa?_ Really?”

“Yeah,” Armin says. “She… Well, she was the first girl I’d ever really spoke to. I think it was more admiration than anything. And obviously I don’t feel that way now. She’s like a sister to me, too. But yeah, for the first few months I knew her, I was so nervous around her all the time. You remember I could barely speak to her?”

Eren does. “I just figured you were shy.”

“Yeah, that’s fair. But no, I used to have a crush on her.”

“What… what did it feel like?”

“The crush?”

“Yeah.”

Armin hums, shifting under his blanket. “It was like… Butterflies. I never really knew what to say around her. I wanted to impress her but didn’t really know how. I wanted her attention. I wanted to make her laugh. I still do, but obviously for different reasons. She’s my friend and I care about her, but at the time I was just always so nervous. But I was just a kid and most of the time crushes just fade away. They never really last.”

Eren makes a vague sort of sound, fervently glad for the dark obscuring what must be an expression of deep distress on his face.

“Do you feel like that?” Armin asks gently, like he wants Eren to know he won’t probe any farther if Eren doesn’t want him to. Eren can’t blame him for being curious, that’s just how he is, and Eren would be too if their positions were reversed. He’s painfully aware that he’s being all sorts of weird right now but he can’t exactly help it.

Eren’s got a crush. For sure. That’s what it is. Armin’s description hits a little too close to home for it to be anything else.

A crush. Fine. Perfectly normal.

But on _Levi_ of all people?


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *looks at the wordcount* HOO BOY HOW'D THAT HAPPEN. genuinely have no idea. i also have no idea how many chapters this thing is going to be. I have the plot outlined and shit, but because i'm working on each chapter individually and not letting myself jump ahead, it's probably going to end up being like 50-60 chapters or some shit. SORRY LMAO
> 
> Also i'm absolutely cackling bc this chapter is basically eren going "what the fuck is a crush? can i fight it? CAN I FIGHT IT?"

Eren spends the majority of February feeling like he’s going insane. Just a little bit.

He’d hoped his stupid little heart-to-heart with Armin would have cleared at least some things up for him, but he’s just been left feeling even more confused than before. The only reassuring thing Armin had said was that crushes were normal, that this was likely just a fleeting infatuation, and Eren is desperately hoping for that to be true. Give it like a week and he’ll forget all about it. Probably. If it doesn’t, Eren’s fully convinced he’s going to end up doing something stupid like telling someone about it, and then he’ll have to run away to live in the mountains and herd goats or some shit.

Between Eren’s awful realisation about his feelings and his attempts to ignore them with varying degrees of success, Shadis’ gruelling training regimen, and the upcoming departure of three of his closest friends, he genuinely doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going most of the time. Days pass in a blur of exhaustion, confusion, and misery and Eren doesn’t know what to do with himself. The underground trio’s impending expedition cannot be denied. The closer they get to April, the worse it gets and the only positive to their increased stress levels is that Eren’s badly-timed crush gets pushed to the backburner pretty quickly after it announces itself. There’s no time to dwell on such things, not when the fact that three of Eren’s closest friends will be leaving and none of them know when they might see each other again.

The worst part of the whole thing is that Eren has no idea what to say to any of them to help. He’s aware that his particular reasons for joining the scout aren't so uncommon, but he does want to join, which the other three don’t. Even though part of Eren is terrified to be riding out into titan country, he wants to do it, wants his vengeance for everything that was taken for him. But Levi and the others just want their quiet lives that they’ve fought for. So Eren’s particularly mouthy brand of reassurance isn’t any help here.

He’d like to do something for them, but he’s a cadet with no money to his name, so it’s not like he’s able to make them gifts or anything. He mentions as much to Mikasa, laments that he feels absolutely useless about the whole thing. She commiserates with him and it helps to know that she’s just as upset about the whole thing as she is. The three of them will be sorely missed, granted only by Eren and Mikasa and Armin because none of the other cadets are that bothered about the three relative strangers they only see sparingly during training sessions, but for Eren, he’ll be saying goodbye far sooner than he ever wanted to.

“You’re afraid for them but you still want to join the scouts,” Mikasa says because even though she’s trying to comfort him, she’ll never pass up an opportunity to try and change his mind.

“I want out,” Eren reminds her, somewhat testily. “I want to kill titans, Mikasa, I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t. But I _want_ to join the scouts. It’s different when you’re enlisting by your own choice. The three of them didn’t have that. It was scouts or…” He doesn’t really know what the alternative would have been, but he doubts they would have been allowed to return to the underground. Handed over to MPs most likely. At least, that’s what Shadis had implied.

“I know this isn’t what they wanted, but there’s nothing we can do for them that they can’t do for themselves,” Mikasa says. “We have hope, but more than that is beyond our ability right now.” She reaches over to squeeze his hand. “They’re fighters, I believe they can make it.”

Eren nods slowly. “Yeah. They can. You’re right.”

At least, he hopes she is.

Regardless of Eren’s feelings on the matter, they only have a few short weeks until they’ll be saying goodbye and it’s weighing on all of their minds, not just his. Farlan’s prone to moments of quiet absentmindedness where he’ll zone out of the conversation like his mind is elsewhere. He also doesn’t laugh as often. Isabel, by contrast, laughs too much and too loudly, like she's overcompensating for the fact that she’s terrified of what awaits them come April. Outwardly, Levi doesn’t change his behaviour in the slightest, but very rarely are any of the three of them ever alone. They’ve banded together in silent disquiet, like being together will help to allay the fears arising from their impending departure.

The only times they’re ever apart now are when they’re overseeing the training groups, and by the time Farlan’s due to watch Eren’s group again, Shadis has finally cooled off and stopped trying to make Eren’s life a complete hell, settled on making it just horrifically difficult instead, which is better but only slightly. It doesn’t matter as much as it once would have, not now that Eren’s body is used to the abuse the instructors are determined to put it through. Even Armin, the least physically adept of all of them, is finally able to keep up with their brutal workload.

The downside to the fact that Eren’s no longer as thoroughly exhausted by the training is that he has plenty of time to agonise over the other issue that’s threatening to make his head explode.

For the first few days following the realisation, he tries _so_ hard to ignore it. It’s not like he’ll ever act on it, holy _shit,_ could you imagine? No, he’s going to do what any sane person would do in this situation and sit and suffer in silence until it goes the hell away. Things are fine as they are, Eren’s not looking to change that. Also telling Levi that he has a crush on him is out of the question. Levi wouldn’t exactly laugh at him, Eren knows that he’d be a bit of a dickhead about it but he wouldn’t be cruel. But still he doesn’t want to make things awkward. Not when Levi’s leaving soon anyway.

Though maybe telling someone - _not_ Levi - about it might not be such a bad idea. He just wishes he had some kind of idea of what it was he wanted answers for. Having the crush is fine, perfectly normal, from what Armin had said. On its own, nothing to worry about. He’s a teenager, teenagers get crushes all the time, apparently. _Completely normal,_ Eren reasons like he hasn’t spent the past few days agonising about it practically nonstop, despite his best efforts to suppress it. Funny thing is, Eren’s probably acting more like a teenager than he ever has in his life. A teenager experiencing normal teenage problems. A revolutionary concept.

Doesn’t mean he has to like it, though. And the worst part about admitting to himself that he now knows why his stomach snarls into knots every time Levi’s within ten feet of him, is that he’s finding it incredibly difficult to look him in the eye.

It might be normal, but it feels anything but.

Hence why he feels like he’s going insane. Just a little bit.

...Okay, maybe a lot.

It would probably be easier to deal with if it was just the crush, but it isn’t. Realising that he’s into someone isn’t an earth-shattering realisation, it was bound to happen sometime, right? It’s just that now Eren wants to know if it’s just Levi or if it’s guys in general. He doesn’t really think so, isn’t particularly interested in any of his other classmates, aesthetically or otherwise. Not just the guys, but none of the girls either. There’s no sense of attraction, no flutter of interest, nothing that will help him figure out exactly where he stands with regards to his… What is he supposed to even call it?

He needs help, that much is certain, but there’s no one he really wants to talk to about it, because if he talks about it then he’ll end up spilling that he’s into Levi and he will _never live that down._ Sure, there are worse people he could be into, but Levi? Out of… Literally anyone else? Even Eren has to admit that he’s surprised by himself and also more than a little bit curious. What is it about the world’s moodiest kid that caught Eren’s attention so badly? He’s not charming by any stretch of the imagination, not particularly charismatic. He’s sort of funny in a rude kind of way, but mostly he’s just standoffish and sarcastic. Not exactly ideal partner material.

Not that Eren’s thinking about that! He’s just trying to figure out what the hell it is about Levi that’s got him all up in his feelings. Does he find Levi attractive? Yeah, kind of. Okay, there’s no “kind of” about it, he absolutely does. But is that all? No, can’t be. He’s never more aware of himself than he is when Levi’s around, fully conscious of what he says, more than he ever has been, how he acts, feels gangly and uncoordinated and clumsy and he’s honestly at breaking point. Surely he wouldn’t feel this way just because he found someone’s face nice to look at?

No, that can’t be all of it. Eren’s into Levi because… Because he’s kind in strange little ways towards the people he cares about, and for some reason the most distrusting person in the world counts Eren among the select few people he’ll tolerate for extended periods of time. He’s smart, quick-witted, protective… Okay, so it’s not just the looks. That’s fine. Makes Eren feel a little better about the whole thing, actually. He’d feel horrifically shallow if that were the case.

If this weren’t his first crush, Eren’s pretty sure he wouldn’t give this much of a shit. It’s only because he’s never had one before that he’s blowing everything out of proportion. Seriously, if crushes are normal, how do people cope? He genuinely feels like his head’s about to explode any time Levi so much as looks like him. He doesn’t want to be acting any differently but knows that he probably is, despite his best efforts to not seem like a lunatic. He _definitely_ doesn’t want to clue Levi in to the fact that there’s… some previously unnoticed affection there, but because it’s all Eren thinks about, he’s convinced himself that it’s obvious to everyone so he’s always tense and self-conscious.

It’s not, of course it’s not. Logically, he knows that, but Eren still can’t help feeling like his feelings must be written all over his face for everyone to see. Weirdly, he kind of wishes it was. He’s dying to talk to _someone_ about this - _not_ Levi, never Levi - as much as the embarrassment may end up killing him.

Mikasa and Armin would be supportive, he knows. In their own way, at least. They’d probably tease him about it, then reiterate that crushes pass eventually on their own. That’s fine and all, but Eren knows that. What he wants is someone who’s been through this shit, who can give advice from a more experienced perspective. Someone like an older brother, which Eren’s never had.

Out of the three of them, Farlan’s the one Eren’s the least close to. Isabel was the first friend he made outside of the people he already knew, bright and cheerful and friendly, and then there was Levi who Eren probably wouldn’t have bonded with so much if they hadn’t fought together that day down by the equipment shed. But Farlan’s slightly more reserved than his younger sister, while still being miles more personable than Levi. He’s calmer, more relaxed, and though Eren’s not that close to him compared to the others, Eren’s still going to miss him just as much.

While they’re training, whether on the circuit or in the classroom, Farlan goes to great lengths to appear unconcerned by the expedition that’s now only a few short weeks away. He ribs the cadets when they make mistakes, then patiently corrects them, hangs around with Eren and makes it look like he’s helping with his gear so Shadis will leave them alone.

He has the kind of bearing about him that makes him easy to talk to, easy to trust, like you could ask him anything and he’d do his best to give you advice. He’s older so he’s got more experience than a lot of the cadets, though he’s not arrogant about it unless it’s funny. He’s like a universal older brother which is nice considering Eren’s never had that. Eren knows that if he ever needed to, he could probably ask Farlan about any… thing...

Oh. That could work.

Why the hell didn’t Eren think of him before?! Of _course_ he could talk to Farlan! He’s trustworthy and kind and at least two years older, plus he has Jan! He’s the perfect person to talk to about this!

Eren is absolutely overwhelmed by the pure brilliance of his own genius.

“Eren, you good?” Farlan asks, nudging his shoulder. “You look like you’re about to sneeze.”

“Farlan,” Eren says, grabbing his arm. “You have a boyfriend, right? Jan?” Okay, so he’d been aiming for a bit more delicacy there, but Eren’s never been particularly tactful. Still, he kind of wishes he’d led with literally _anything_ else. Now he sounds deranged.

“Ye-es?” Farlan says, drawing the word out with a hint of uncertainty, which Eren can’t really blame him for. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Farlan. I need some advice. I genuinely feel like I’m going crazy.”

Concern sweeps over Farlan’s expression. “I did wonder what was up with you lately,” he says. “You’ve been kind of jumpy. Like you’re hiding something. Guilty conscience?”

So it has been obvious, then. Eren wasn’t just being paranoid. Damn it. “Not… exactly, no. It’s... a long story.”

Farlan nods. “Sounds important, though. Can you wait until the session’s over? We can talk properly then.”

Eren nearly weeps with relief. Why hadn’t he thought of Farlan sooner? “Thanks. I really don’t know what to do.”

“Don’t worry, kiddo,” Farlan says, ruffling his hair. Eren’s too grateful to shove him away, grinning with so much acute relief he probably looks like a moron. “We’ll get you sorted out.”

 _“Thank you._ Seriously, you don’t--”

“Jaeger, stop slacking!” Shadis roars.

* * *

They break away from the group as soon as training’s over, heading back to the empty spare barracks he’s been sharing with Levi. The room is empty while Levi’s likely sitting with the others in the mess for dinner. Eren reckons they have at least an hour before the others start wondering where they are, but hopefully this conversation won’t be too long. He doesn’t know if he could stomach talking about his fucking _feelings_ for an hour.

Farlan doesn’t make a big production out of it, thank god. He sets out his trusty deck of cards so they’ll have something to do with their hands and that helps Eren to feel less like he’s about to be interrogated.

“Whenever you’re ready,” Farlan says with a reassuring smile. “You remember the rules to Gin Rummy?”

Eren nods and Farlan deals them each a hand of ten. He lifts his cards without really seeing them, suddenly incredibly self-conscious.

“I have no idea where to start,” he admits.

“Oh, just draw a card,” Farlan says, reaching across the table to draw one for him.

Eren laughs in spite of his nervousness. “No, I meant…”

“Ah.” Farlan nods. “Well, I’m going to go out on a limb here, then, and say it’s got something to do with _this.”_ He leans over again, poking Eren in the chest with a finger, right over his heart. “Considering you were asking me about my dearly beloved.”

Eren makes a distressed sound low in his throat. “Yeah. Dead on.”

“Right.” Farlan regards him over the fan of his cards. “So, what I need to know is what exactly has got you so bent out of shape. Everyone gets crushes, kid. You aren’t the first and you sure as hell won’t be the last.” He narrows his eyes. “Unless it’s on Isabel. Then I’d have to kill you.” He’s joking, but Eren can see the very real hint of a threat in his eyes.

“It’s not Isabel,” Eren says. “Don’t get me wrong, she’s sweet, but I don’t… I mean, I don’t _think_ I...”

 _”Oh,”_ Farlan says, eyes widening. “Is _that_ what’s got you so freaked out? You’re sweet on another guy?”

“Kind of?” Eren hedges. “It’s-- It’s a whole mess of crap, Farlan, I don’t even know _what’s_ going on.”

“Okay.” Farlan leans back in his chair, flicking his nail absently over the corner of a card from his hand. “Well, why don’t you try to explain? I’ll listen, I won’t interrupt. Just try and get it all out, you might be able to figure some things out just by saying it out loud. No judgment from me, kid. Promise.”

Eren lets out a breath in a heavy rush. “I just-- I don’t care that it’s a guy, I really don’t. Maybe I should? I don’t know if that makes me-- If it’s all guys or just him, but I don’t know _why_ it’s him and I have no idea what to-- to do with all these stupid feelings. I can’t even look at him without my stupid face getting all hot and I don’t want to make things weird. Mostly I just want it to go away and I don’t know _how.”_ He stops, taking in a deeper breath than the one he let out, holds it for a few moments, then exhales slowly through his nose. Okay. Yeah, that about sums it up.

“You finished?” Farlan asks, looking amused at Eren’s tirade.

“Yeah. Think so.”

Farlan nods. “That’s a pretty textbook first crush, Eren. You don’t have to have all the answers, you know? You don’t have to label yourself one way or the other just yet. Or ever, if you don’t want to. Feelings like this, they feel so intense at the time. But they _are_ fleeting. Sometimes they aren’t and they stick around, but for now it’s just infatuation. You’re only fifteen, Eren. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but it _will_ pass eventually.

“As for making things weird, you don’t need to worry. As long as you don’t overstep anyone’s boundaries, you’re good. If it slips out and _they_ get weird about it, that’s on them, not on you.” He smiles faintly. “And I know Levi’s an asshole, but he wouldn’t make you feel bad about this.”

“No, I didn’t think he would,” Eren mumbles. Then his head snaps up so fast he makes himself dizzy. “I didn’t-- I didn’t _say_ \-- _How the hell did you know that?”_

Farlan’s smile widens. “I had a hunch. Actually, it was a pretty educated guess.”

“Oh my god,” Eren moans, covering his face with his hands.

“Sorry,” Farlan says, and at the very least has the decency to sound sincere about it. “I figured you hadn’t spoken to anyone else about it and, I don’t know, I guess I thought maybe saying out loud would be a bit of a relief.”

He’s not wrong. Eren does feel immensely relieved that finally someone knows, even if it is one of Levi’s best friends. He trusts Farlan not to say a word, though. “I… Yeah. Actually, that’s pretty great. That you know. I’ve been… Well, I felt a bit like I was going crazy.”

A hum. “Yeah, you mentioned. Look, Eren, it’s not the end of the world. Like I said, it’s just infatuation. Levi’s pretty great, he’s skilled and kind of untouchable so it makes sense you’d feel this way. But trust me when I say that it’s just admiration gone a bit far. Everything feels so intense at your age, but I promise it’ll pass. I do question your taste a little, though.”

Eren laughs, weakly but sincerely. “That’s fair. I guess… I don’t know. He’s just…”

“He’s Levi,” Farlan says like that explains it. And strangely enough, it kind of does. Levi is Levi, defies all attempts to explain or quantify him. Is what he is, treats everyone the same no matter what, but is fiercely protective of those he cares for. But like Farlan said, it’s admiration that’s gotten a bit out of hand. That’s all it is. “Trust me, we’ve all been there.”

That catches Eren’s attention. “You have?”

“Oh, hell yeah. Then I got to know him and honestly? Dodged a bullet, I think.” He gives an exaggerated, dreamy sigh. “Besides, Jan’s the only one for me.”

“I’d like to meet him,” Eren says, smiling.

“Oh, you’ll have to come and visit,” Farlan says, grinning at him. “Once we’re done with this bastard expedition and all settled down. We’ll have you round for dinner like civilised people.”

Eren looks at him for a long moment. “Scared?”

Farlan’s smile thins a little. “Absolutely terrified.” He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I want… Everything in me wants to believe that we can make it back. But if the scouts are willing to risk anyone’s lives, it’ll be ours.” He glances at Eren wearily. “I know you respect them, but they aren’t going to care about three newcomer’s lives over the lives of their comrades.”

He has a point. “Then don’t risk your lives for them,” Eren says, like it’s simple. “You know Levi and Isabel will watch out for you, just like you’ll watch out for them. Just keep the three of you safe and fuck the rest of them.”

Farlan snorts. “Easier said than done. But I get what you mean.”

“Levi says he’s not afraid.”

“Yeah, he’s probably not. He doesn’t…” Farlan pulls a face. “He doesn’t work like you and I do. He’s not afraid because he knows he won’t die out there. And that’s not arrogance. Well, maybe a little, but it’s earned. I’ve seen him do shit you wouldn’t believe when his life’s been in danger. No matter what happens, he’ll survive the expedition. It’s us he’s worried about. He never worries about himself.” A quirk of lips. “Fucking idiot.”

“I’m going to miss you guys,” Eren admits. “And I swear, Farlan, you guys better stay safe or I’ll kill you myself.”

Farlan cackles and the serious atmosphere shatters. “I’ll hold you to that,” he tells Eren. “Now, are you done with your teenage crisis? Shall we go get some food? Can you stand to be near Levi or will your passionate feelings overwhelm you?”

“I take it back,” Eren says, deadpan. “Die out there. I hope a titan bites your damn leg off.”

“Oh, harsh!”

* * *

Feeling reassured and less like he’s losing his mind, most of March passes in a haze for Eren, uneventful and unremarkable, and before Eren knows it he’s seventeen and doesn’t really feel any different. They don’t mark the day, can’t really, and Eren isn’t sure he wants to observe it, not with Levi and the others due to leave in the morning. He doesn’t really care much for birthdays, used to as a kid before titans took his home, now he just wants to be older so he can leave the training compound behind for good. Mikasa and Armin still wish him a private happy birthday on the thirtieth, but other than that it passes without fanfare. All he wants to do is spend a quiet night with his friends and he gets his wish, though the atmosphere is subdued.

They’ve spent so long dreading the departure, ignoring it, pushing the thoughts away when they try to break through, but now it’s here and time for Levi and the others to go, and it’s just as painful as they knew it would be.

Rather than spend it playing cards in the mess, they’ve holed up in Levi and Farlan’s quarters, intent on flouting curfew for as long as they can get away with, regardless of how tired they’ll be come dawn when they ride out. The quarters were already bare to begin with, but now they look absolutely barren, with all their scant belongings and clothes packed into bags ready for the morning’s travel. They’ll be leaving at daybreak for a hard day’s ride so they won’t get to wish them well before they leave. This is the only chance they’ll get to say goodbye and even though he hadn’t wanted to celebrate the day, Eren still wishes he weren’t bidding farewell to his friends today of all days.

“Don’t get up to any mischief while we’re gone,” Farlan tells them, pointing an accusing finger at each of them in turn. “We won’t be here to save your asses if you do.”

“When have you ever saved my ass?” Eren shoots back, kicking him under the table. “Levi’s the one who stopped Lovoff’s dogs from taking my head off.”

“And I was the one who helped him with his gear,” Isabel adds. “What have you done that’s so helpful, huh, Farlan?”

“I’m the loving older-brother type who gives advice to the heartsick,” Farlan says haughtily. “I’m wise beyond my years, experienced and full of wisdom and--”

“Full of shit, is more like it,” Levi quips. Farlan gasps like he’s been dealt a mortal blow, sagging in his chair and clutching his chest.

“I’m gonna miss you brats,” Isabel says, elbowing Farlan hard in the ribs. “Promise you’ll write, okay? We’ll send you our new address once we know where the fuck it is.”

“Have you got any idea what you’ll do after you come back?” Armin asks.

“Not a clue.” Isabel hums thoughtfully. “I guess… Well, I mean, I hope they’ll have some sort of set up for us. Can’t just pack us off with nowhere to go.”

“I’ll take care of it,” Levi says. “I’m sure a brief chat with Shadis will help things along a little. Most likely they’ll give us some sort of payment for the single expedition and we can go from there. Get jobs like normal people.”

“And I can finally liberate Jan from the hospital,” Farlan says eagerly. “God, I bet he’s been going out of his mind with boredom. I’m just glad they didn’t cart him back underground.”

“He’s been in there a while, right?” Mikasa asks. “For his leg?”

“Yeah,” Farlan says. “The problem’s with the bones. Lack of sunlight does that to you. Also lack of a proper diet. And by proper I mean consistent. You know what I’d love? I’d love to open a shop and employ loads of people from the underground. Get them out of there and help them live up here.”

“If anyone can find a way to do that, you can,” Armin tells him.

“Aww, Armin, that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.” Farlan beams. “Now I have to do it. I can disappoint Arlert now, can I?”

They laugh together, talking until well past midnight, and though the instructors must know they’re up past curfew, no one comes to berate them for it. Eren wonders if that means they know they’re saying goodbye, that this might be the last time they ever get to see each other. Eren fervently hopes that it isn’t, that this won’t be the last time he sees his friends smiling and laughing and happy. He wants them to get their deserved life, the life they were denied for all those years below ground. He looks around at his friends, terrified of the uncertainty of their future, but hopeful all the same.

They’re fighters, alright. He has to believe they’ll make it back.

He has to.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S FINALLY TIME FOR MY FAVE!!! I'VE BEEN SO IMPATIENT TO BRING THEM IN AND IT'S FINALLY TIME!!!
> 
> (also if one more person could bookmark this fic and then no one else bookmark it ever that would be swell. We’re about to hit 69. ((nice.))

Levi’s never said goodbye to anyone in his life, never had to, but if there are any more goodbyes in his future, he hopes they’ll be like this one.

The brats don’t bid them an explicit farewell, whether because they’re unsure how to or if they’ve made a conscious decision not to Levi doesn’t know, but he highly suspects the latter because for a group of brats they’re far smarter than a lot of adults Levi’s met. They have to know that words of farewell won’t be accepted well by any of them, so they don’t offer them, just give their company, company that Levi’s long since past pretending he doesn’t enjoy, and promise to keep in touch.

Levi hopes that they do. He’d like to know how they get on in their training, if Eren ever finds the one thing he excels at, if he learns how to control that fire that burns inside him. Even if they never speak face to face again, Levi hopes that Eren will be well. He will be, Levi knows, if Armin and Mikasa have anything to do with it.

He wonders, belatedly once they’ve ridden out and left the compound behind, if maybe he should have said something. Something more meaningful than sarcastic jabs, but anything else would have felt trite and insincere. Levi’s not the kind of person that kind words come to easily, but he likes to think that the people who know him understand what he means through the words he doesn’t say.

They weren’t given an escort this time around so Levi, Isabel, and Farlan are left to make their own way to headquarters with only a map to guide them. It’s not complicated, it’s pretty much a straight shot from the compound to the scout base that shouldn’t take more than a day, but it’s a journey Levi doesn’t particularly want to be making for a number of reasons. Top of that list is the fact that there’s an expedition into titan country waiting for them. Lower down but still pretty high is the fact that the distrustful glances of their so-called comrades are going to be irritating as all get out. Levi’s gotten used to being regarded with at least some level of acceptance from the cadets. They haven’t looked at them with distrust since Eren and the others decided they were friends. 

They’re well on their way by the time the sun rises proper, riding too fast to maintain any sort of conversation, which would suit Levi just fine if he couldn’t hear Isabel’s soft crying in the half second of stillness between each rapid, _one-two-three-four_ thundering drumbeat of hooves on the ground. They could stop and he could try to comfort her, but there’s nothing he’d be able to say to ease her fear, nothing he’d be able to think of to offer to stop the tears. She’s allowed to cry, he won’t begrudge her that, but he still hates the sound of it for how it means she’s hurting.

The next week is going to be awful no matter what they do. All Levi can hope for is that it passes quickly and they don’t get slaughtered when they’re so close to getting what they want. 

In his pocket he can feel the slight weight of a parting gift, of sorts. Eren had pressed it into Levi’s hands before he’d left them for the night to accompany Mikasa and Armin to bed. Kid had looked like he was about to pass out, had handed Levi the envelope with a shaky smile and pale cheeks. What’s inside, Levi doesn’t know. Eren had made him promise not to open it until they were safely back inside the walls. Though the kid would have no way of knowing, Levi’s going to keep that promise. He’s not entirely sure why. Eren had called it a wish for their safety, something no one has ever offered on their behalf before. It’s so strange to know that there are three people in the world who want them to come back safe and that’s more than there has ever been. In the privacy of his own head, Levi is safe to admit that he’ll miss them. 

They make good time, all things considered. The sky is just starting to darken when the old, crumbling building housing the scout regiment peeks over the rolling foothills, horses nearing exhaustion from their hard ride. They slow their mounts and make the rest of the journey at a more sedate pace out of decency for the beasts bearing them, united in their hesitancy to join the scout regiment’s ranks. Once they’re in there, there’s no going back. 

“We could run?” Isabel suggests, the first words any of them have spoken since they left the compound. “We have horses, alright we don’t have gear, but I reckon we could get far enough before they notice.”

“We’re so close,” Farlan counters, sounding miserable. “We’re so close to what we want, we can’t run now. Also, I don’t think these horses could handle another mile.”

He’s right and they all hate it. 

There’s no one waiting to meet them, which is fine, means they don’t have to make nice while they’re sore and tired from a day’s hard ride, but it does mean they have to fuck around a bit until they find the stables. After that it’s a simple matter of boarding their horses with fresh hay and water and then there’s nothing else to do but face the music. Levi pets his horse’s nose, fully aware that he’s procrastinating, but he’s in no hurry to endure the lingering glances and distrusting stares.

“I hate this,” Isabel says for the three of them, glaring at the crumbling castle that is the embodiment of their hateful situation. “I don’t want to go inside. It’ll make it real.”

Though he understands her sentiment, wholeheartedly agrees, Levi can’t help but think that it’s real whether they go inside or not. In a week’s time they’ll be leaving the walls, no escaping that fact. It’s like being underground all over again. Locked in with no way out, no matter how hard they fight. Join the expedition, or get handed over to the MPs. Neither outcome is preferable, but at least one of those options comes with the chance of freedom at the end. Even if they have to risk their lives to get it.

“Where the hell are we even supposed to go?” Farlan mutters disdainfully. “They must have known we’d be coming? Couldn’t send out a fucking convoy or something for us? It makes me nervous when there aren’t clear instructions.”

“Envoy,” Levi corrects absently. “And are you kidding? You’ve seen the shitshow that is the military chain of command first-hand. You really expect them to be _organised?”_

“Yeah, I do,” Farlan snaps. “If they expect us to die for them, then I fuckin’ expect them to--”

“Hey,” Isabel says, pressing a hand to Farlan’s chest. “Get it together, Far. It’s not Levi you’re angry at.”

“It’s fine,” Levi says, clapping Farlan on the shoulder. “I can handle a temper tantrum. Come on, I want to know where my bunk is, my ass is sore as shit.”

Farlan exhales, smiling faintly at that, which means Levi’s god awful attempt at humour has worked. He’s not kidding, though, his ass is fucking aching from such a long ride, and the sooner he can sleep the better.

“Let’s go meet the team, I guess,” Farlan mutters. “You know, I’d take a decade of babysitting cadets over this.”

Levi has to agree, but he’s also tired and doesn’t really give a shit anymore. In the grand scheme of things, spending a week among scouts that don’t trust them isn’t going to be much of a hardship. The real struggle is going to come when Levi sees Smith and that fucking mountain of a man who’d shoved his face into that puddle underground. If Levi runs into either of them before he’s had at least an hour to recover from the ride, there’s going to be a fucking bloodbath.

They’ve not had anything to do with any of the scouts since the first couple of months of their training above ground, before all that shit went down with the funding to the corps and Smith was doing whatever the fuck he was doing before he got made Commander. Levi’s starting to think that this whole thing; their exodus from the underground, Lovoff, Jan, the expedition, all ties together in ways he doesn’t really want to know. He still feels like he’s playing a game he can’t win, only a few moves away from a catastrophic loss he really should have seen coming.

“It’s not too late to run,” Farlan says, correctly interpreting whatever expression is currently on Levi’s face. “We could steal fresh horses and be gone before anyone notices.”

“Good plan!” A new voice says, causing the three of them to whip round as one. “Maybe check for eavesdroppers first, though. If I were the type of person to follow the rules, I’d have to report you for that!”

Goggles are the first thing Levi notices, covering large, round, brown eyes that are regarding him with a sort of intense curiosity that he doesn’t appreciate in the slightest. Messy brown hair pinned up in a sort of bun, coupled with a wide, slightly unhinged grin and an indiscernible gender.

“Hanji Zoe,” the newcomer says, sticking their hand out. “Just Hanji, if you please, since we’re all friends. We expected you here a lot sooner.”

“Right,” Levi says, not taking the proffered hand. Hanji doesn’t look offended by that in the slightest, just shrugs and draws their hand back to rest it on their hip. “Levi.” He gestures to himself, then his friends. “Farlan, Isabel.”

“Yes, the elusive new recruits,” Hanji says, beaming. “You’ve been the talk of the corps, I can tell you. Like I said, we expected you here months ago. What held you up?”

“Fuck knows,” Levi says. “Bureaucracy, probably. Actually, you probably know more than we do.”

“That tends to be the case,” Hanji says, nodding sagely. “I know more than a lot of people. Most of the time, in fact. Don’t let it get you down, though. Come, come, I bet you three are exhausted. It’s lucky I ran into you out here! Who knows how long you would have been wandering around trying to get in.”

Farlan gives them an odd look. “I mean, we know how to use doors.”

“Oh, I don’t doubt it,” Hanji says cheerfully. “But most of the doors here are rotted closed. Lack of funds, you see, everything’s in a frightful state of disrepair. And _that,_ I believe, is something you’d quite like to know a bit more about, wouldn’t you agree?”

Levi inclines his head. “Maybe. Tell you what, you get us inside without announcing our presence to whoever’s in charge until tomorrow and show me where I can get a decent cup of tea around here, and I’ll agree to a mutual sharing of information. Agreed?”

Hanji positively sparkles. “I like you already, Levi. Right, newbies, follow me!” They about-face, marching towards the decrepit building without glancing back, expecting them to keep up. They do, barely, stiff from long hours spent on horseback, and Levi notes which door Hanji leads them through so he won’t have to deal with aforementioned rotted entryways. This place is a fucking nightmare and Levi grew up in a half-finished slum ten miles below ground.

The corridors are dark and musty with dust and rot. Levi shares a look of distaste with Farlan and Isabel behind Hanji’s back. They’re not holding out much hope that their quarters will be in any better condition, which fucking sucks because it means Levi’s probably going to be cleaning for hours until he can get some fucking sleep.

“Through here,” Hanji says in a loud whisper, opening a door at the far end of the corridor. This one, at least, isn’t rotted closed. “I hope you three don’t mind bunking together? Budget cuts, you see.”

“It’s no problem,” Levi says, peering into the room. Yep. Just as bad as he was expecting. Cobwebs, a thick layer of dust on everything, questionable stains on the flagstones and… What looks to be a dead rat on the window sill. 

“Cozy,” Farlan says, face pale. 

“Please tell me there’s at least a mop in this hovel?” Levi asks, turning to Hanji. 

“Oh, sure!” Hanji says. “I’ll show you in the morning, if you--”

“No,” Levi says firmly. “Now.”

Hanji, to their credit, doesn’t look the slightest bit disarmed by Levi’s tone, which is more than he can say for a number of people he’s met. Hanji just continues to smile that deranged smile and beckons him to follow them back down the corridor. Levi hands his pack to Farlan and follows them to a utility closet that looks like it hasn’t been used in years. Even the cleaning products have dust on them. This is hell. This is a hell created specifically to torment him.

“The fuck is going on here?” Levi demands as he frees a mop and bucket from their dusty prison. “You live like this?”

“It’s been a hard year,” Hanji says with a one-sided shrug. They bound forward to grab a broom and some rags in a move Levi isn’t expecting. He’d been prepared for them to show him the cleaning closet and fuck off, not stick around to help. He’s surprised, but not displeased by it.

“So what’s the story on your end, then?” Levi asks as they carry the equipment back to their quarters. “Not like we were clued in about shit while we were babysitting cadets.”

“Well,” Hanji says conspiratorially, “officially, we weren’t told much. But like I said, I know things people don’t. That, and Erwin usually needs someone smart to bounce his ideas off and that’s usually me, so I hear things. But even if he hadn’t, I’d’ve been clued in pretty quick. Do you want the long version or the short one? Before I get started and it’s too late for you to back out.”

“Fuck it,” Levi says, already regretting every choice he’s ever made in his life. “Hit me.”

Hanji shudders with poorly-contained excitement. “Excellent. So, we get deliveries on the second Tuesday and third Friday of every month. Right? Food rations and medical supplies on the Tuesday, equipment supplies on the Friday. So back in… I want to say April of last year? Or was it June…? No, April. No! May. It was May. I’m sure it was. Anyway! Back in March of last year, Schultz and Gin were checking in the delivery and they came to me because the docket was considerably shorter than we were used to. I checked it over, checked the delivery, it was all there. Nothing missing off the list. Nothing out of place, see?”

“...Yeah,” Levi says when they stare at him expectantly. “I see.”

“Good! Keep up. So nothing out of place on that delivery, except that yes, it did seem to be a bit of a smaller supply than we were used to. Less foodstuffs like dried fruits, flour, tins, all the fun stuff. But you know how it is with food rations, right?”

“No.”

“No? Well, nevermind. You get what I’m saying. We wrote it off as a lack of supply from the interior. After all, things have been a little tight since we lost the farmland in Maria. Thought nothing of it, we had our reserves after all. No drama. But then, on the Thursday, the equipment delivery was also smaller. Wouldn’t have thought anything of that either, but there was no weapon oil!” They declare this like it’s meant to mean anything and they groan in dismay when Levi stares at them blankly. “No weapon oil, Levi!”

“Yeah, I got that,” he says testily. “The fuck does that have to do with anything?”

“It wasn’t on the _list!”_ Hanji crows as they reach their quarters, so loud Farlan pokes his head round the door. He jumps forward to help take the cleaning equipment, tying a rag around his face to ward against the dust. Levi does the same, waiting for Hanji to explain the finer intricacies of missing weapon oil. “It wasn’t on the docket! Like it hadn’t been requested, but we requisition it every month because if we don’t have weapon oil, our blades are useless. Have you seen the blades we use with the gear?”

“Yeah,” Levi says. “Briefly in training.”

“Right. You’ve seen how thin they are?”

“Yeah.”

“They’re forged in a special process that involves the careful folding of molten steel over and over until the metal is flexible. It’s a remarkable process. First, they melt down the steel, then they--”

“Focus, four-eyes,” Levi snaps. “So you requisitioned the oil, then what?”

“That’s what I was saying!” Hanji cries. “It’s one of our most important supplies. If the swords aren’t oiled, they become brittle and snap on contact. Can’t kill a titan with a shattered blade, can you? It’s imperative that we have weapon oil, so having it missing off the docket with no explanation meant that something untoward was going on.”

“Someone was changing the docket?” Farlan suggests, catching on quick even though he’s missed most of the conversation. Not that any of it has sounded particularly important. Hanji sure does love to talk. “Altering the requisition order?”

“Exactly!” Hanji crows. “Somewhere along the line, our requests were getting altered and we weren’t getting the supplies that we needed. I took it to Erwin who took it higher, but he was shot down pretty handily. After all, they had the requisition forms, and when provided everything was as it should be. That was when we started to suspect something was going on. We weren’t getting the funds we were meant to be getting. So what was happening to the money?”

“Lovoff,” Farlan says.

Hanji taps their nose. “Bingo, my friend. Ten points. Now, we have no evidence, dwindling supplies, and suddenly our Commander is shipped off to train new recruits with no order for a successor.”

“So that’s why Shadis was so fucking miserable all the time,” Isabel says. “Forced demotion, I guess. Wait, is Commandant lower than a Commander?”

“Higher,” Hanji tells her. “Ideal promotion, in theory. But no, he wasn’t unhappy because he got sent off to train cadets, he’s just always been like that. But it left us with a bit of a power vacuum. Erwin expected to rise to fill the position, but he was shot down again. That’s when we got the notification that the survey corps was up for review. That they were looking into cutting costs and that expeditions beyond the walls were unnecessary expenditures. Can you believe that?!”

“Uh,” Farlan says. “No…?”

“No!” Hanji cries. “It’s imperative that the scouts keep exploring! We’re at the forefront of research into the titans! We can’t stop until we’ve discerned their origins! I was absolutely beside myself when Erwin told me the news, if you can believe it.” Somehow, Levi can. “So, with no evidence, no concrete proof of anything underhanded, we were a bit unsure of how to proceed. We lost half our numbers, as I’m sure you can understand. No supplies to feed them with, no reason to stick around if the scouts were going to be disbanded. They were permitted to go, of course. Would have been an outcry if we’d court-martialed them for desertion when we couldn’t provide them food and suitable lodgings.

“So that’s when Erwin had the idea to bring in some outside assistance.” Hanji beams at them. “Well, no, at first he wanted to scare Lovoff into thinking we _did_ have evidence against him. Which worked a treat, may I just say. He played right into our hands. Hired three - pardon the term - underground thugs to infiltrate our ranks and retrieve the documents. At first Erwin was happy to let you join and let things unfold as they may, but his ambition has always far exceeded a normal person’s. He saw an opportunity and he took it. I assume once he saw just how skilled you were with the gear.”

“Doesn’t explain why we were relegated to cadet babysitting duty,” Isabel grunts, tackling a cobweb the size of a large dog that’s practically fused to the ceiling. “Also, help any time, guys. Or just keep talking, it’s whatever.”

“Sorry, Isa,” Farlan says, chastened, and grabs a broom to help.

For once, Levi doesn’t immediately get to cleaning, too interested in spite of himself, by what Hanji has to say. “Go on, four-eyes.”

“Right.” Hanji nods. “Keeping you away from the scouts would make Lovoff nervous, you see. The longer that you went without retrieving the documents he’d hired you to get, the more anxious he became. Clumsier, cut corners, got careless about covering his tracks. We were able to pick up the forged dockets, compile them together. Then he made his move against you by sending his goons after you-- Fabulous play, by the way, Sairam told me all about it. And then that was all we needed to take him down for good.” They spread their arms, beaming widely. “And now you’re here!”

“Right,” Levi says. “One thing, though.”

“Mm?”

“Those goons that got sent after me? They beat a fucking cadet half to death. They were going to kill him. You put a fucking sixteen year old’s life in danger.”

Hanji sucks their teeth in a hiss. “Obviously we couldn’t have foreseen that. It was never our intention to put anyone in danger. An oversight, I’ll admit, but--”

“It’s not a fucking oversight,” Levi snaps. “They smashed his head into the ground, they were going to cut out his tongue and hang his body from a fucking tree. He only survived because I was nearby. And now you want the three of us to fucking fight your battles for you outside the walls? Do you have any idea how sick you sound?”

It hadn’t bothered him at the time. He’s not quite sure why it bothers him now, but the memory of Eren, bloody and subjugated, a boot on the back of his head, fills Levi with such incandescent _rage_ that he could take Hanji’s head clean off with his bear hands and laugh about it.

“Easy, Levi,” Hanji says calmly, suddenly serious. “It’s unacceptable, I’ll grant you that. And I want you to know that Lovoff died for it.”

“He--” Levi blinks, ire cooling slightly. “He’s dead?”

“Executed. Treason carries a high penalty, Levi. I’m sorry about your friend. Truly. We genuinely didn’t know. Erwin knew-- He was confident you could handle them, should they come after you. No one else was meant to get caught in the crossfire, I can assure you. I can explain to Erwin, he’ll make this right, he’ll want to do that.”

“I don’t give a shit what he wants,” Levi snaps, though he’s nowhere near as angry as he was before. Lovoff’s death has eased that burn, if only slightly. He hopes the bastard died terrified. “I care about the fact that me and my friends are supposed to be riding out with you in a week, to die for _your_ cause, after you’ve done nothing but play with our lives like we’re pawns in your game.”

“It wasn’t meant to be like this,” Hanji says. “But like I said, Erwin saw the way you moved with the gear. I was the one who suggested letting you join. The MPs would’ve had you otherwise, that was Lovoff’s insurance. I understand that you’re angry, I would be too. But Erwin wants to see you out there. I think… I think you’d be suited to the scouts.”

Levi scoffs derisively. “We’re not staying, glasses. One expedition is all you’re getting out of us, I can fucking promise you that. We’ll survive, I don’t care how many of you die, but we’re getting back. And you guys better make fucking good on your promise to put us up after. Topside citizenship, that was the deal.”

“I’ll ensure it personally,” Hanji promises, saluting him. “Now.” They glance around the room. “I think maybe some water so we can mop up, maybe a little lemon juice and soda crystals to freshen the place and lift the stains?”

Levi grunts in reluctant acceptance. “You going to help?”

“But of course!” They beam at him. “We’re _comrades,_ now, Levi! We’re a _team.”_

“Don’t fucking push it, glasses. Until we’re through with the expedition and you make good on your promises, you’re on my shit list. Erwin, too.”

“Oh, don’t be so sure about that,” Hanji sings at him. “I guarantee it, by the time we ship out, you and I will be the _best_ of friends.”

Levi sneers. “Doubtful.”

“No? Not even if I tell you I happen to have a secret stash of Puerh tea leaves that I might be willing to share?”

Levi’s eyes narrow suspiciously. “...Alright. But you’re on thin fucking ice.”

A week. Levi can handle a week. A week and it’s all over and they can live their lives in peace. They’re so close now, just a bit farther left to go. But Levi vows he will have Erwin answer for playing with their lives, for the danger Eren was put in because of them. Levi _will_ have his recompense for that. For all of them.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *looks at bookmarks number* guys i asked you for ONE THING. sdsfgdhf i am obviously kidding thank you SO MUCH, the response to this fic has been overwhelming I'm love you all <3

Hanji is, if nothing else, persistent. They’re also categorically insane, and that’s not even Levi being discourteous. They are truly, unapologetically, batshit crazy and that’s probably the reason Levi hasn’t strangled them with their own goggle strap. They can talk faster and for longer than anyone he’s ever known, which would be horrifically annoying on its own, if they weren’t actually sort of hilarious. They give Isabel a run for her money in the cheeriness department, which isn’t difficult right now with their possible deaths looming over their heads, but under normal circumstances Isabel would have to concede defeat and hand the title of world’s cheeriest idiot over to Hanji.

They’re also pretty handy with a mop, Levi has to admit. They get the quarters cleaned up in no time at all between the four of them, and Hanji even manages to hunt down some clean bed linens for their bunks, too. They also return with steaming cups of tea and some leftover stew and Levi has to concede that, maybe, they might not stay on his shit list for long if they keep this up.

“I’ll come get you in the morning,” they say, hanging in the doorway. “Now, would you like me to come get you early so you can shower before we go see Erwin, or would you prefer a lie in?”

“Lie in,” Farlan and Isabel say in unison.

“Early,” Levi counters, shooting them down without so much as a hint of remorse. “Don’t give me that,” he snaps at their pleading expressions. “You’ve been rising at dawn since we enlisted, you can fucking deal. I’m not putting off showering for anyone, not even you two.”

“Dawn it is,” Hanji says, clicking their tongue sympathetically when Farlan and Isabel groan. “Sleep well, newbies! Oh, I can’t wait to see you in action. Erwin’s told me a bit about it, of course, but that’s nothing compared to eyewitness—“

“Good _night_ , Hanji,” Levi says, slamming the door in their face and heaving a heavy sigh. Finally, at long last, some blissful fucking silenc—

“Goodnight, newbies!” Hanji calls through the door.

“Fuck off!” Levi yells back. “Fucking _hell.”_

“I like them,” Isabel declares with a grin.

“Oh, thank god, it wasn’t just me,” Farlan says. “I didn’t want to presume? And it seemed rude to ask? So I was referring to them as “them” in my head.”

“I think that’s just polite,” Isabel says. “But yeah, genuinely couldn’t tell.”

“Ask tomorrow,” Levi says, digging through his pack for his bedclothes. “I’m sure they’d love a chance to talk your ear off about it. Or any other topic under the fucking sun.”

“Oh, go to sleep,” Isabel says, rolling her eyes. “You’re so fucking cranky. It’s unbearable.”

“I’m literally always like this.”

Isabel gazes at him meaningfully. “I know.”

Levi throws a pillow at her head. It hits its mark and Isabel topples backwards onto her bunk with a muffled yelp. Farlan just rolls his eyes and strips down to dress for bed, collapsing onto his bunk with a groan. Levi does the same, though he doesn’t quite throw himself onto the bed for fear that the whole thing might collapse in on itself. They might have been able to clean the room, but if the bed frame is actually rotten, Levi’s going to go on the warpath. He might anyway, just for the hell of it. That outcome depends entirely on how Erwin decides to act tomorrow.

Before he settles down properly, Levi slips Eren’s envelope out of his jacket pocket, turning it over in his hands for a long, thoughtful moment. He won’t open it yet, promised Eren that he wouldn’t, but he’s unbearably curious about its contents. It’s just a letter, he can feel that much without looking inside, but he wants to know what could possibly be written on the paper inside to have warranted such a strange reaction from the kid when he’d handed it over.

_”Here,” Eren says, thrusting a hand out, nearly smacking Levi in the nose. He’s looking away, can’t quite meet Levi’s eyes, and though his tanned cheeks are pale, the tips of his ears are rosy pink. “Don’t open it until you get back, okay? It’ll be like a good luck charm to help you get back safe. You have to promise.”_

_Levi takes the letter, looks between it and the bashful face of the kid standing in front of him. It’s a childish sentiment, but for some strange reason, Levi’s quite appreciative of it. After a moment’s deliberation, he nods and tucks it into his jacket pocket. “I promise.”_

_Eren smiles at him then, soft and sweet and his hands twitch like they want to rise, to pull Levi into a hug, but he doesn’t. Levi thinks maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing if he did, has the strangest urge to do it himself, if Eren won’t, but the moment passes and then Eren is turning away, walking back to the barracks and this is the last time they’ll see each other for a very long time._

“Whatcha got there?” Farlan asks, beating his pillow into the optimum shape for his comfort. Isabel looks over, too, and Levi considers telling them to fuck off and mind their own business, but that’s just him being defensive.

“Eren gave me this before we left,” he says, holding the envelope up. “Made me promise not to open it before we got back.”

“What? No fair!” Isabel pouts. “I didn’t get a letter!”

“I have no idea why I even got one,” Levi says, which is true. He’s got no clue as to what Eren could possibly want to say to him over Isabel, who’s been firm friends with Eren since basically day one. He hasn’t got the faintest idea of what Eren could want to say that would warrant a secretive little letter that he’s not allowed to open unless he comes back safe.

“I think I know what it says,” Farlan says smugly. He rolls over onto his front, tucking his pillow under his chin and fixing Levi with the most insufferable grin. “Actually, I’d bet good money on it and say I _know_ what it says.”

Levi gives him a flat look, unimpressed. “Are you going to share with the class or sit there being an asshole about it?”

Farlan appears to seriously consider this for a moment. “I think I’m going to be an asshole about it. I like knowing more than you, for once. Besides, I’m sworn to secrecy, if it says what I think it says, I’m honour bound not to talk about it.”

Levi rolls his eyes and tucks the letter safely away back into his jacket pocket. “Fine, keep your secrets. Just know that once I do read it, I’m not going to tell you what it says.”

Farlan blows a raspberry at him and rolls over again, turning his back to Levi. Isabel mutters darkly from her bunk about favouritism and Levi ignores both of them in favour of settling down to get some much needed sleep. It’ll be uneasy, always is, but he’s determined to get at least three uninterrupted hours if at all possible, otherwise the meeting with Smith tomorrow is going to be completely unbearable.

When he does finally manage to drift off, his dreams are unexpectedly pleasant, which makes a change from the usual claustrophobic, blood-soaked images he’s usually subjected to. He can’t recall much about them when Hanji comes to fetch them in the morning, just the fading sense of euphoria Levi only feels when he’s flying, and the colour turquoise flecked with gold.

* * *

Hanji wakes them just after dawn and has lost absolutely none of their exuberance, even this early in the morning. They’ve even gone out of their way to fetch them some clean uniforms bearing the scout regiment’s insignia. Once they’ve showered and kitted themselves out acceptably, Hanji leads them through the dusty castle right to the heart of the headquarters, where Levi assumes Erwin’s office is.

“Any words of warning?” Farlan asks around a jaw-cracking yawn.

“Not really,” Hanji says, shrugging. “Erwin’s not like Shadis. I’m not actually sure how to describe him, best you see for yourselves. But don’t worry about pissing him off, that’s basically impossible. Trust me, I’ve been trying for years.”

“Well, that’s disappointing,” Farlan says. “That’s like the only thing we’re good at.”

Hanji grins at him and raps their knuckles on Erwin’s door, listening out for the “come in” that follows not a minute later. They shove the door open, toppling inside with a cheery wave.

“Morning, Commander!” They sing. “Look who I’ve brought to see you!”

Despite the early hour, Erwin’s already up and dressed, sitting behind his desk and already elbow deep in a pile of paperwork that’s almost half as tall as Levi, stacked neatly on one side of his desk. His gaze holds no surprise as it sweeps over the three of them in turn, steady and indecipherable, like it had been when he’d faced Levi down when they’d met.

“I see,” Erwin says, setting down his pen. “Thank you, Hanji. Could you fetch section commander Flagon for me?”

Hanji visibly deflates. “You’re not going to let me stay? I want to be here while you grill the newbies.”

“Fetch him quickly, then.”

Hanji groans but does as they’re told, slipping out the door and shutting it behind them with a loud click that echoes of finality. Levi doesn’t take his eyes off of Erwin and neither do Isabel or Farlan. They fall into the positions they’ve honed through years of practice, each of them standing either side of Levi, expressions resolute, a united front. Levi doesn’t know what he expects to happen here, which is why he’s so on edge. The last time he faced Smith down didn’t end so well for Levi. He’s in no hurry to repeat the experience.

Erwin folds his hands together neatly on top of the desk, regarding them all with that inscrutable gaze that gives nothing away. For a long moment he just looks at them, trying to prolong the uncomfortable silence he’s attempting to cast about them, a tactic so textbook that Levi almost breaks his stoic facade to roll his eyes. Almost.

“I’m not in the habit of offering apologies,” Erwin finally says after his attempt to unnerve them through silence fails. “But I must say that I am regretful that things did not unfold as you wanted them to.”

“A nice sentiment,” Levi says, “but a stupid one. If things had gone the way we wanted them to, we’d be free and you’d be dead. Seems a bit counterproductive for the Commander of the scouts to be openly disappointed that he’s not currently worm food.”

Erwin inclines his head, a faint smile playing around his lips. “Well, perhaps regretful is the wrong word. I wish it hadn’t been necessary to use you as the gambit for a game you didn’t even know you were playing. Does that sound better?”

“No,” Levi says. “But it confirms what we suspected from the start, so it’s nice to be proven right.”

Erwin nods. “I would have to agree. Regardless the circumstance, there’s always a sense of gratification to be had when you know your instincts were right. Now, judging by the fact that you’re already dressed in our uniform, it’s safe to assume you arrived last night and Hanji neglected to tell me until a few moments ago?”

“Assume all you want,” Levi says.

Erwin nods again, mostly to himself. “Then I will assume so and I’ll also assume, since I know section commander Hanji too well at this point, that they’ve already told you the reason you’re here.”

“They told us enough,” Farlan says. “The rest we could infer for ourselves. Like the fact that you apparently get off on manipulating people into doing your dirty work for you. Which is fine, we’re used to that kind of shit. Pull in the underground thugs to shovel shit for you, it’s what we’re good at and we’re always happy to offer our services, provided you pay us.”

“Which you haven’t,” Isabel points out. “So it seems like there’s a little bit of a debt that you owe, Commander. Especially considering you want us to die for you in a week.”

“Right, thank you, Isabel,” Farlan says with an easy smile. “I’d almost forgotten about that. So that’s two counts we have now. Helping you take down Lovoff, and risking our necks out in titan country. You’re racking up a bit of a hefty tab, there, Commander.”

“And we do charge interest,” Isabel adds. “So better settle up while you can still afford to.”

“You’re angry,” Erwin says, leaning back in his chair, unbothered in the slightest by what they have to say. That’s fine, they’re just getting started. “I would be too, in your position. The fact of the matter is, Lovoff was inconsequential. An obstacle, nothing more. The fact that we managed to displace him without bloodshed is a blessing. But he’s not the sole reason that you’re here.”

“Yeah, we know,” Isabel says, sounding bored. “We’re here because you think we’re hot shit on the gear. We get it. And if we don’t follow you lunatics out of the walls in a week, you’ll hand us over to the MPs. We _know_ all this, eyebrows. Talk at us if you want, but nothing you say is going to change our opinions. We think you’re fucking full of it. We think you get off on using people to further your own ends.”

Erwin sighs. “I did hope you’d be reasonable about this.”

“We’re being plenty reasonable,” Farlan says. “Considering you’ve been using us since the beginning and you’re apparently not even finished, yet. We haven’t even threatened your life yet.”

“Thank goodness for small mercies,” Erwin says dryly. “Then I supposed there isn’t much else we need to say to one another.”

“Thank fuck for that,” Isabel mutters.

“Actually,” Levi says, drawing Erwin’s gaze to him. “There is one thing I’d like to mention.”

“By all means,” Erwin says, gesturing for him to proceed.

Levi nods, fixing Erwin with a stony glare. “You said without bloodshed, but Lovoff sent four men after us.”

“Ah, of course,” Erwin says, nodding. “I meant bloodshed on _our_ side.”

“Yeah,” Levi says. “But here’s the thing. There’s a kid in the 104th who just turned seventeen. _Really_ wants to join the scouts when he graduates. He’s a good kid, got a bit of a temper, but he’s determined and he works harder than anyone. Thing is, _Commander_ , your little manipulation play nearly cost him his life.”

Erwin’s expression shifts for the first time since they stepped into the room, thick brows quirking up in mild surprise. The sight of it, of his detached curiosity, ignites something deep inside Levi’s chest, a sort of fury that’s so intense it shocks him. His jaw locks and it’s a struggle to even get the words out evenly, when it feels like the rage clawing up his chest is trying to shake him apart. “He cottoned on to Lovoff’s play before they could get to us. He got caught by them when he was coming to warn us. They smashed his face in.”

Erwin’s eyes glint. “He was killed?”

“Nearly,” Levi bites out. “I was nearby, I heard them beating him. Broke his nose, had his face smashed into the ground. But see, the thing about that kid is that he’s a fighter. So he wasn’t going to go down easy. And he didn’t. He took two of the men down before I could.

“And normally I wouldn’t give a shit about a brat getting his ass handed to him because he stuck his nose in where it doesn’t belong. Call it a valuable learning experience about how to mind your own fucking business. But that kid is our _friend_ , which means he’s under _our_ protection. And the fact that your sick little power play is what put him in danger, got him injured, had him killing to save his own life, _at fifteen_ , puts you pretty fucking high up on my shit list, Commander Erwin, _sir.”_

Erwin is quiet for a long moment. “What would you have me do?” He finally asks, looking at Levi expectantly. “That was an impressive speech, I must admit. But what is it you want? What could I offer to ease your righteous anger? Because if the child isn’t dead, I don’t see the issue. Wounds heal.”

Isabel makes a sound like an angry cat. “Wounds hea--” Levi throws an arm out before she can lunge for the man, no matter how badly he wants to do the same. She claws at his arm but he doesn’t release her, as much as watching her rip Erwin’s face off would please him. “Wounds _heal? That’s_ your fucking answer? The kid nearly died because you wanted to keep your precious scout regiment going! You sit here in your cushy little office, send people to die for your bullshit cause, and all you can say is _”wounds heal”?_ I ought to cut your fucking tongue out!”

“It’s a fact of life, Miss Magnolia,” Erwin says, inclining his head. “While it is regrettable that your friend was injured, his life was not taken. Lovoff is already dead, there is no one left for you to take your revenge on.”

“There’s you,” Farlan says darkly. “Far as I’m concerned, you’re the cause of a whole load of our problems. Killing you might net us an execution, but by god it would be worth it.”

Erwin smiles. In the face of their anger, their fury and righteous indignation, the bastard _smiles_. “It’s that fire that got you here,” Erwin says. “Not only here physically, but in life. You speak of injustices like you can’t bear them, like they pain you to witness. That’s _good._ I’ve no patience for people who are content with complacency, who’ll stand inactive and complicit in the suffering of others.”

“And you don’t?” Levi asks, shoving Isabel back behind him. She hisses angrily but doesn’t try to lunge for him again like she’s going to gouge Erwin’s eyes out with her bare hands. “You just sit in your nice little office and send people to die for you instead.”

“Not so,” Erwin says. “You’ve made an assumption about my character from what you’ve seen and I can’t blame you for feeling so discourteous. You’re quite right by saying that I’ve had a hand in your struggles since you left the underground. Will you allow me to explain why?”

After a long moment, Levi nods. Erwin smiles like he’s been given a particularly wonderful gift. He has the kind of smile that belongs on a politician; charming, hiding an insidious sort of ambition behind it, the kind of ambition that cares not for the lives of the few, if their suffering will benefit the lives of the many. Levi can barely stomach it.

“You know nothing of the world up here,” Erwin says. “Which is a blessing you can’t appreciate. I’m not calling you ignorant, I’m merely stating the fact that you’ve lived a life separate from ours. Out of all the people within the walls, your lives have been untouched by the threats that plague us from birth. Don’t misunderstand, I’m not saying you’ve not struggled. But you don’t know what lies beyond the walls, what broke through them not long ago and destroyed thousands of lives in a single afternoon.

“We fight titans. We’re the only regiment that does. The garrison, the Military Police, they don’t understand. The people inside the walls, they don’t understand. Just as we do not understand the horrors that those below ground face. But every expedition beyond the walls is a step towards a future that holds freedom for all.” Erwin leans forward and those unfathomable eyes _burn_. “You lived below ground, in a city that was meant to become a bastion, a haven for all. But instead it became a prison within a prison. You weren’t permitted to leave, and you knew there was a world up here that you could never reach.

“It’s the same for all of us up here. There’s an entire world outside of the walls that we cannot reach. Titans stand between us and the rest of the world, limitless, unknowable, vast. We know nothing of our enemy. That’s why what the scouts do is so vital. We risk our lives in the quest for freedom for humanity. You say I send people to die for me, that isn’t true. I ride out with them, I stand with my brothers and sisters, I fight beside them and one day I will die beside them. But while I draw breath, I will fight against the titans in the hope that we will know freedom one day.

“You may call me heartless. You may cast aspersions about my motives, but you don’t know what you’re talking about. Manipulation is a tactic and as a strategist I must use every tool at my disposal to win the war we’ve been fighting for over a century now. Call me heartless if you like, but know that I am merely an opportunist, first and foremost. The reason the three of you are standing before me now is because I saw the way you commanded your gear and I _knew_ we needed your skills. How we obtained them is regrettable, I don’t care for duress but I had no other options. All I ask that you join us for one expedition, see the fight we face every time we ride out, and then judge for yourselves if our cause is a worthy one.”

Erwin looks around at all three of them, blue eyes burning with an intensity and, though he doesn’t understand it, Levi cannot deny that Erwin truly believes what he’s saying. The man might be the worst kind of monster, the kind that seizes loyalty through inspiration rather than fear, but at least he’s upfront about it. Pretty words, though, do not hold the same weight as actions.

“One expedition,” Levi says. “Then you sever us from service with a pretty sum and leave us the hell alone.”

“If you fight for us,” Erwin says, clasping his fist to his chest in that ridiculous salute, “if you join our ranks and offer us your skills for this one expedition, then I will see to it that you are discharged honourably with enough money to live the lives you’ve been fighting for all these years.”

“It’s a deal,” Levi says. “Back out of it and I swear to god I’ll make you regret it.”

“I don’t doubt it,” Erwin says, a morbid sort of approval in his gaze. “You have my thanks, for what it’s worth.”

“Not a lot,” Farlan tells him, sneering.

“You let me say my piece,” Erwin says, unruffled. “And you’ve sworn to stand with us, however briefly. That’s all I can ask.”

There’s a knock at the door then and Hanji bursts in without being announced, followed by section commander Flagon who looks just as sour as he did when Levi first met him a year ago.

“Damn it!” Hanji says, actually stamping their foot. “I missed the speech, didn’t I? I can see it on your faces.”

“Thank you, Hanji,” Erwin says mildly. “Flagon, your new squadmates are finally here. I trust you’ll make them feel welcome for the duration of their time with us.”

Flagon’s expression tells Levi he has absolutely no intention whatsoever of doing that. Which is fine, Levi can handle bratty soldiers. He’s had a year of practice, after all.

“Get them kitted out,” Erwin says to Flagon. “Full gear, blades, alot them a quota of training equipment should they desire it. They have my permission to use the training grounds whenever they please. They’ll not be joining the groups for additional training, but please include them on all expedition preparation meetings. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have paperwork to finish and I’m sure you’d all like to go to breakfast.”

“Yes, Commander,” Flagon says through gritted teeth.

“Oh, right!” Hanji beams. “Let me give you the tour, I’m great at tours.” They look to Erwin. “Are our new recruits dismissed, your most illustrious eyebrow-ness?”

“Dismissed,” Erwin says with a nod.

Flagon marches out the moment the word’s out of Erwin’s mouth. Hanji cackles and beckons them to follow, but before Levi can escape, Erwin stops him by calling his name softly. He turns back.

“The child who was injured,” Erwin says. “Your friend. What is his name?”

Levi’s eyes narrow. “...Eren. Eren Jaeger.”

Erwin hums. “Thank you, Levi. That will be all.”

Levi slams the door behind him. It’s childish, but god it feels good.


	21. Chapter 21

“Your Commander’s an insidious bastard,” Farlan says once they get outside, looking around for something, anything, to vent his frustration on. A bucket becomes his sole casualty, for lack of anything better, and he ends up booting it a good thirty feet across the courtyard. Hanji whistles, impressed, but Levi just puts a hand on Farlan’s shoulder to forestall any more childish outbursts, even while he himself feels like he wants to claw off his own skin.

“He’s been called worse, I’m sure,” Hanji says, shrugging. “Call him what you like, he gets results. I don’t think anyone understands what’s at stake more than he does. He’s willing to make decisions a lot of other people won’t. Leadership is a heavy burden.”

“As it should be,” Isabel says, sullen and moody. “No one in any position of power should be comfortable. Would mean only those who want to inspire and bring about real change would desire the title, rather than the power-hungry and the greedy.”

Farlan and Levi look at her. Hanji looks at her. They all stare at her like she’s grown a second head. She blinks at them, nonplussed. “What?”

“Where the fuck did that come from?” Farlan demands. “That’s the most insightful shit I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth. What the _fuck_ , Isabel?”

“Hey!” She swipes at him. “Less of the surprise, asshole! I say smart shit all the time! And I’m plenty fucking insightful, you turd with legs!”

“Will you two pack it in?” Levi grumbles, kneading his forehead. He’s got a killer headache brewing behind his eyes, courtesy of Erwin-fucking-Smith and his duplicitous fucking shark smile.

“Sorry,” Isabel and Farlan mumble together, suitably chastened. It’s Farlan who continues, nudging his shoulder gently. “Are _you_ okay, though? I genuinely thought you might kill him for a second there.”

“Yeah,” Isabel adds, hopping over to his other side and looping her arm around his. “You started talking about Eren and you got so angry I thought you were going to take his head off.”

_”You’re_ the one who went for him,” Levi reminds her, ruffling her hair. She grins at him, unrepentant. “And not everyone is as impulsive as you.”

“Who’s Eren?” Hanji asks curiously. Levi’s head snaps up. Shit, he’d honestly forgotten they were there. “The kid you mentioned last night?”

“Yeah,” Levi says, frowning a little self-consciously. He’d almost forgotten about that, about the way the memory of Eren’s near-death at the hands of those bastards had hit a nerve far harder than Levi expected it to, though it makes no sense that it should bother him _now_ , months after the fact. It does, though, he can’t deny it. The same way it would incense him if Farlan or Isabel were hurt.

He has to hand it to the kid, Eren’s managed to worm his way under Levi’s careful guard somehow. He’s in there now, that’s it. For better or for worse, Eren will have Levi fighting in his corner if he ever needs him. Even if it now means Levi has a whole extra brat to watch out for.

What good it will do now, though, Levi can’t say. There’s an expedition in the way of them ever seeing each other again.

“He’s lucky to have friends like you three, then,” Hanji says, smiling, thankfully halting Levi’s morose thoughts before they can go much further. “Now! We have a tour to get through! Then we can find Flagon and get you three kitted out with some proper gear. None of that training garbage you’ve gotten used to.”

“Now we’re talkin’!” Isabel grins. “Will it have swords? I really want to have a go with the swords.”

“Do not give her swords,” Levi and Farlan say in unison.

“Aww, you guys are no fun!”

“You nearly took my fucking ear off last time! You just start swinging!”

“Swords are _meant_ to be swung!”

“No swords,” Hanji promises, laughing. “Not _yet_ , anyway. You’ll have to train with them eventually, and we’re a bit pressed for time so I would recommend sooner rather than later. Of course, we’ve been given the briefing already, so all the meetings we’ll be sitting over the next few days are just to iron out any last minute details. If you’d like, I’d be more than happy to go over the briefing with you. I doubt Flagon will be forthcoming with the details.” They click their tongue. “Grumpy sod.”

“Yeah, what’s his deal anyway?” Farlan asks. “He was pissy when we met him last year, too.”

Hanji shrugs. “He’s a good soldier, I’ll give him that. But you do have to take him with a pinch of salt. He’s very… How should I put this…?” They tap their chin thoughtfully. “He’s… not very amenable towards the naturally skilled. And I think he distrusts you on principle because of where you come from. I’m not saying he’s in the right, not at all. I’m just saying he’s not so bad once you get to know him. You just have to prove to him that you’re worth his trust.”

“We don’t really have the time to prove our worth to some prejudiced fuckwit,” Farlan says. “I think we’ll be just fine without Flagon’s approval.”

“Fair enough!” Hanji beams. “Right, where to first… Ah! The stables, since we’re already outside. Follow me!”

* * *

The scouts, Levi decides, are weird.

Hanji - damn them to hell and back - leads them all around the fucking castle, from the stables to the washrooms, to the kitchens, to the archives, to the barracks, and everywhere in between. They keep up a running commentary the entire time that Levi tunes the fuck out about five minutes in, but Hanji either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care about their disinterest, and carries on chattering away without a care in the world.

Hanji’s the best of the bunch, that much is certain, but Levi had been expecting distrust from any scouts they happened upon while exploring the headquarters, sidelong glances, surreptitious whispers behind furtive hands. The reality, though, is far different.

Several of the scouts they pass stop what they’re doing to introduce themselves, smiling brightly and talking about how pleased they are to have them join. As far as Levi can tell, the scouts believe Levi and the others are in this for the long haul, not just the one expedition, which is probably why they’re being so welcoming. The scouts think they’re the same kind of witless, suicidal idiots that make up the corps’ ranks and he doesn’t have the time nor the inclination to correct them. He’s just a little blindsided by the friendliness, to be honest.

He’s bombarded by names he’s never going to remember, but in the end it doesn’t really matter. Once the expedition is over, Levi’s likely never going to see any of them ever again, so memorising the names of every cheery asshole that introduces themselves isn’t really a priority.

He takes a sadistic sort of pleasure, though, in antagonising Flagon.

Out of all the scouts, Flagon’s the only one who’s open about the fact that he doesn’t want them here. A few of Flagon’s squad share his sentiment, but none of them have the balls to say anything out loud. Levi wouldn’t have given a shit normally, but he’s feeling a little less charitable than usual thanks to his increased stress levels, so he decides that if Flagon is looking for an excuse to hate them, then Levi’s more than happy to give him one. Levi can handle a bad attitude, but Flagon’s just plain rude, even by Levi’s standards, unhelpful and disrespectful, so Levi’s pretty set on doing everything in his power to make Flagon’s life just that _little_ but unbearable for the next week.

They do encounter Sairam, though, which is nice. The kid catches them halfway through Hanji’s tour of the archives, jogging over to greet them like old friends. Farlan perks up instantly and Sairam confirms that, yes, Jan is fine, he was in Stohess just the past week and yes, Jan’s recovery and physical therapy are progressing nicely, no they haven’t encountered any trouble, yes, Farlan, he misses you very much as well.

Sairam ends up joining them for lunch because Hanji’s tour drags on too long for them to catch breakfast. Where the kitchens had been operating at all hours for the cadets, the kitchen for the scouts operates on a rota basis, with the scouts themselves taking turns preparing food for the squads. There are set hours for meals each day, breakfast between six and eight, lunch between twelve and two, and dinner between four and six. The mess, when they enter, is sparsely occupied, with only a handful of scouts dotted around the room.

“How many of you are there?” Farlan asks as they take their seats, bowls of hot potato and leek soup in hand.

“About two hundred?” Hanji says. “Two-fifty? Or thereabouts, anyway. Like I said, we lost almost half ours numbers when Lovoff was leaching our funds away. We’re hurting badly for new recruits, I won’t lie to you.”

“Well, you can shove the recruitment spiel up your ass, four-eyes,” Levi tells them flatly. “One expedition’s all you’re fucking getting.”

“We’ll see about that.”

“No, we fucking won’t.”

Hanji blows a raspberry at him and Levi considers dumping his bowl of soup over their head. Worst part is, though, that the soup’s far better than the shit they were fed back at the compound, so as much as Levi would love to douse Hanji with it, he’s not going to waste the first passably decent meal he’s had in… Hell, about a decade, actually.

“So what’s the fucking plan then?” Farlan asks. “We ride out in a week, is it just every man for himself and hope for the best?”

“I’m _so_ glad you asked,” Hanji says which tells Levi that the rest of them are going to be regretting Farlan’s question in short order. “No, is the short answer.”

Oh. Well, that wasn’t so--

“For the long answer I’ll need a piece of parchment and a pencil. Sairam do you have your-- Excellent, thank you.”

Well, shit.

Sairam, having passed over a small notebook to Hanji, moves their bowls out of the way so that the four-eyed terror has plenty of room to work with. He doesn’t so much as blink when Hanji starts ripping pages out of the notebook, unbothered by the casual destruction of his property. In spite of the fucking speech he’ll be enduring, Levi can’t deny that he’s curious, watches with slowly mounting interest as Hanji starts laying out the pages side by side in a four page by four page rectangle to make up a large sheet.

“Our esteemed Commander,” Hanji begins dramatically, “in all his eyebrow-heavy gloriousness, has developed a new tactic we’ll be implementing fully when we ride out on the tenth.” They set to work, scrawling little shapes on the pages in a wide, arching formation. Beside the shapes they scrawl an annotation that reads _F-G_ , which Levi assumes is an abbreviation, though he doesn’t know for what yet.

“We’ve been trialling it over the past few expeditions,” Sairiam says, leaning over to straighten one of the pages when Hanji’s exuberant sketching knocks it out of place. “It’s the reason he was promoted over the other candidates. It’s drastically decreased our mortality rate. We’ve had more survivors since its implementation than we have since the survey corps was founded.”

“Quite right, quite right,” Hanji says, straightening up. “This formation is truly a labour of love. It’s Erwin’s baby. He’s been practically foaming at the mouth to execute it properly. To say nothing of the rest of us, considering it’s our lives the formation will be saving.”

“Well, that’s a relief,” Farlan says. “What’s “F-G” stand for?”

“Flare gun,” Hanji says. “So, pay attention, newbies, because this is the thing that’s going to keep you alive.” They lean over, tapping the end of the pencil on each of the shapes bearing the abbreviation. There are fifty shapes on the pages overall and all of them bear the letters marking them as holders of the flare guns. “Fifty units comprised of five scouts.” They circle the shapes in groups of five. “Five units to a squad. Each section commander’s squad is comprised of twenty-five scouts. We have ten section commanders in total. So yeah, two hundred and fifty standard scouts currently in our ranks. An abysmal number, but there you go.”

They tap the circles containing the five units. “Each unit is equipped with flare guns and rounds containing smoke pellets of different colours. Red means titan spotted. Once the flare is fired, the next unit in will see it and fire a round of the same colour, so on and so forth until it reaches the Commander, who will alter our course as is befitting the situation and signal with a green flare. Black smoke signifies an abnormal, which will usually mean direct engagement is unavoidable. For the most part, our goal is to sweep and retrieve, killing titans only when necessary. Our current goal is to pave the way for the reclamation of wall Maria.”

Levi has to admit, the formation is sound. Actually, it’s not just the formation. Erwin, for all that his existence is currently the source of most of Levi’s irritation, is clearly some kind of tactical genius. He’s got a quiet sort of confidence, from what Levi has seen, that isn’t exactly unwarranted. Hanji appears to have faith in him and for now that’s good enough for Levi. As much as he doesn’t trust easily, he’s a good judge of character when he needs to be. He’ll place a tentative sort of trust in them for now.

“So where will we be?” Farlan asks. “Which one is Flagon’s squad?”

“This one.” Hanji says, tapping a circle towards the rear right side of the formation. Right on the outskirts. Figures. “I know, I know, it seems like a risk, but Flagon’s got keen instincts, for all that he’s a bit of a bitch.” Isabel snorts. “And you three are apparently prodigies with the gear so I reckon you’ll be fine. Abnormals are rare enough to encounter so we aren’t too worried about running into one of those, and they won’t have you engaging titans on your first expedition.”

“ _Only_ expedition,” Levi reminds them. “I’ll kill however many titans you want, but only for this one run. After this, you’ll never see us again, I can guarantee you that.”

“Then I hope I get to see you in action,” Hanji says like they haven’t got the fucking slightest clue about how much that particular wish is in poor taste. “I’ve always said that gear ability is something that can’t be taught. You can show people the drills day and and day out, but you have to feel the gear for yourself to be able to wield it skillfully. Everything we do, from how we research the titans to how we operate the gear is dependant on individual methods and I cannot _wait_ to see what it is you three are capable of.”

“You’ll need to use the training grounds while you can,” Sairam adds, yanking the overly enthusiastic Hanji back down into their seat and methodically clearing the papers away. He folds them into his notebook and pockets it once more. “That’ll probably be the only chance we get to see you move. Not all of us - “ He gives Hanji a pointed look, “- are so desperate to encounter titans when we ride out.”

“I’m _so_ close to getting Erwin to let me capture a titan to study,” Hanji says, eyes glittering. “Could you imagine? A _live_ specimen? Think of what we could learn!”

“Oh, so you are actually insane,” Farlan says. “Good to know. I did wonder.”

“They’re just being particularly unhinged because section commander Moblit is on leave,” Sairam says with a grin. “Normally he’s here to reign them in when they get too… exuberant.”

“I cannot be contained,” Hanji says with a sniff. “I just like Moblit the best so I try not to stress him out too much.”

“You do not succeed,” Sairam says affectionately. “But we probably wouldn’t love you as much if you were normal.”

“Aww, you say the sweetest things!”

* * *

There are ten section commanders in total, as Hanji had said, and Levi gets introduced to all of them over the next few days, as well as what feels like the rest of the entire scout regiment, against his wishes. He understands it, as much as he dislikes it, that he and the others are the shiny new thing, the interesting and fascinating newcomers that they’re curious about. So far, no one else has been as openly antagonistic as Flagon, but they still have a good few days until the expedition, so Levi’s not letting his guard down just yet. Like he ever does.

There’s a small group of scouts Levi thinks are okay, which is basically the highest form of praise, coming from him. Hanji and Sairam, of course, and Moblit when Levi finally gets to meet him. He and Hanji go together like a well-oiled machine, with the calm section commander tempering Hanji’s more erratic tendencies. He’s mild-mannered and reasonable and Levi doesn’t immediately hate him on introduction, so that’s a pretty good sign.

The others, for the most part, are decent enough. Levi cares very little about them, about their personalities, beliefs, motivations, all that crap. All he cares about is which of them he needs to watch out for while he’s risking his neck for their cause. So far none of them bar Flagon have given any indication that he needs to be wary, but Levi is cautious by nature so he’s not just going to assume neutrality until proved otherwise.

Erwin keeps to himself which suits them just fine. Levi’s not entirely sure he’d be able to hold his tongue if they crossed paths again, too pissed about the whole situation to stay civil, no matter how highly he prides himself on his self-control. There’s something about Erwin’s calm, untouchable attitude that pisses Levi off to no end. It’s like he’s not even human. And _yes,_ Levi is fully aware that he also has a cool and untouchable facade that he keeps up, _thank_ you, Isabel, for mentioning it about fifty times in two days, but it’s different when Levi does it because _he_ isn’t responsible for hundreds of people’s lives. Levi’s just like this because he hates people.

They make ample use of the training grounds, which is the only good thing about this place. It’s got more equipment than the compound which seems rather strange considering one is for the training of new recruits and one is for helping scouts stay in shape in their downtime between expeditions. Levi knows which one he’d make the better equipped of the two, but he’s long since stopped trying to understand the bizarre thought processes of the top brass.

It soothes his frayed nerves, though, so that’s a fucking blessing. The gear they’re given is phenomenal, even though it’s still nowhere near as good as the gear they’d modded themselves back underground. It’s practically brand new, well-maintained, has triggers that itch to fire from just the slightest brush of fingers over the mechanisms. The wires fly far and fast and reel them in at exhilarating speeds. The scabbards are lightweight yet sturdy. Levi can’t fault them at all and in those precious moments when he’s airborne, he can pretend he’s back at the compound, showing the 104th how it’s really done.

His mind drifts back to them with increasing regularity as the tenth of April looms ever closer. He thinks of how the little trio are doing, whether Shadis’ training has gotten to them yet or if they’ve finally built up a resilience to it, the way they were trying to before Levi had to leave. He knows it’s only been a few short days but he… He worries. And that’s a fucking bitch of a realisation to have, so he keeps it to himself, but he can’t deny that he’s concerned for them. In less than two years they’ll be here, standing where Levi is now, preparing to go out on their own expeditions and Levi can’t stomach the thought of it, actually. Hates it, with every fibre of his being. It’s like having Farlan and Isabel ship off without him. Part of him… Part of him honestly considers staying behind at least until Eren and his friends join the scouts. Maybe he could watch over them, too.

If he doesn’t die before then, of course.

But he knows he won’t stay. If-- _When_ they come back from their expedition, Levi will be heading for a better life with Farlan and Isabel, his family, the only two people he’s ever wanted. Needed, if he’s being honest with himself, but he hardly ever is, so he shoves that thought away double quick.

It’s not that he’s worried for his own life. He knows he can survive out there. There’s nothing a mindless beast could do to him that would be worse than what humans have already done. It’s Isabel and Farlan he worries for. It’s their lives that he wants to protect.

He’s not exactly miserable, but he’s definitely not happy about his current predicament. But when is he ever? Honestly, the only thing he can say for his lot in life is that it’s consistent in its shittiness. Just once he’d like to know what it’s like not to dread what tomorrow may bring. For a brief time while he was at the compound, life was okay. Each new day was pretty much the same as the one before it; safe, familiar, boring but in a pleasant sort of way. And at least back in the compound he had the chance to see Eren if he wanted.

Which… Is a strange thought.

And… Okay, yeah, the kid’s been on his mind lately, but that’s just because… Well, Levi doesn’t really know why. If he reaches, he can just about manage to explain it by reasoning that having to dredge up the unpleasant memory of Eren’s injury at the hands of Lovoff’s dogs has left a bitter taste in his mouth and that’s why Eren’s on his mind moreso than he usually is. But honestly - and this is the real kicker here - it’s just because Levi misses having the brat around.

He was a nice boost to Levi’s ego, for a start. Not that he’d ever admit to having one, but Eren’s constant wide-eyed admiration whenever Levi moved with the gear was kind of nice. He got used to it, to the praise and the admiration, as annoying as it had been at first. But that’s Eren all over really, isn’t it? Annoying at first, but then actually kind of nice. Endearing. Funny. Unfailingly kind with the sort of loyalty Levi values. Easy on the eyes, too, come to think of it.

...Anyway.

He nearly opens the letter. More than once he finds himself tracing a finger over the fold sealing it closed. He’s desperately curious about it, but he made a promise. Which is the stupidest fucking shit, as if the kid would ever even know if Levi opened it. He doesn’t have a sixth sense for this kind of shit, the brat isn’t psychic. But something stops Levi every time he tries.

He’s losing his edge, isn’t he? A year and a bit spent above ground and he’s going fucking soft.

Unbelievable.

It’s fine, though. He spends every moment he can down on the training grounds, flying as far and as fast as he can, with the blades so he can get used to their added weight. It doesn’t take much of an adjustment, the blades themselves are incredibly light, but it’s more their length that Levi has to adjust to.

On a whim, he flips one round, holding the trigger backwards in his right hand, ring and pinky fingers on the triggers rather than fore and middle. He fires an anchor, rips through the air faster than a bullet, and guides his body into that familiar spin his muscles call for instinctively. With the blades in his hands he becomes a deadly whirlwind, slicing through the padded necks of the titan dummies with an ease and skill that no one can hope to match.

Hanji basically wets themselves with joy at the sight.

It’s not Eren’s particular brand of praise, but it’ll do.

* * *

It’s only fair, Levi decides, after many failed attempts to try and talk himself out of it, that if Eren is allowed to give him secretive letters, then Levi’s sure as shit allowed to do it, too.

It’s nothing much, Levi’s not exactly adept with words, written or spoken, but it’s enough to get his point across. After all, if anything happens to the three of them, it’s not like anyone will think to pass on a message, let alone to a group of brats barely past puberty. As far as the scouts know, none of them have any family that will need to be notified of their passing, should it come to that, but Levi knows that Eren and the others will mourn them if worst comes to worst and the thought, though morbid, is a strange sort of comfort.

He catches Hanji the day before they’re due to ride out, snagging their arm before they can head into the mess with Moblit and Sairam. They turn to Levi with an expression of curiosity and he jerks his head, gesturing for them to follow so they can find somewhere private to talk. The castle, decrepit and disgusting as it may be, sure doesn’t lack for secluded little alcoves to whisper in.

“Do me a favour?” Levi asks, holding an envelope out to them which they take immediately. “If shit goes south out there, can you get this to the cadets? It’ll tell them what happened to us if we bite the dust out there.”

“Oh, of course,” Hanji says, pressing the letter to their chest like it’s the most precious cargo. “I’ll pass on your insignias, too.”

This means absolute jack shit to Levi, who still hasn’t learned his lesson about not asking Hanji any questions. “What?”

Hanji pokes his chest, right over the embroidered wings on his breast pocket. “We rip these off the fallen and give them to their families. It’s a gesture of respect. We’ll do the same for you three, if it comes to that. Even if you’re only our comrades for the one expedition, we’ll treat you like our own.”

“Thanks,” Levi says gruffly. “That’s horrific, by the way. “Your family member is dead, but here, have a piece of their ripped clothing as compensation”.”

“We do also give them the funds the soldier was allocated,” Hanji tells him. “Should we do that for your friends, too?”

“Yeah, actually. Reckon that’ll ease the sting a little bit.” Levi sighs. “Don’t bullshit me, Hanji. What are our chances like?”

“Poor,” Hanji says at once. “Better, with the long-distance enemy scouting formation. But still poor. We’ll do everything we can to get you back safe, though. You’ve come farther than most in your search for a good life. I’d hate to see you fall at the final hurdle.”

“Yeah, you and me both, four-eyes. But thanks. I appreciate the honesty.”

“Any time,” Hanji says, smiling faintly. “The friend of yours I need to give this to. Eren, isn’t it?”

Levi almost smiles. Almost. “Yeah, that’s the one. I’m sure you can tell by the way that I am as a person that I don’t have many friends.”

“Doesn’t mean shit,” Hanji says happily. “Means the friends you _do_ have are worth keeping.”

Levi inclines his head. “That’s one way of looking at it, I guess.”

Hanji slips the letter into their pocket. “You can count on me to get this to him.” They salute at him and Levi doesn’t roll his eyes because they’re doing him a favour here and he does sort of owe them for it. Which he hates, but what can you do? “I sincerely do hope that you get back safe, Levi. You and your friends. You deserve the opportunity to tell this Eren how you feel.”

“I’ll do my best,” Levi says, before Hanji’s words properly sink in. When they do, he nearly chokes on his own tongue. “The opportunity to tell Eren how _what now?_ ”

“Oh, did I guess wrong?” Hanji asks, looking crestfallen all of a sudden. “Damn, I’m usually right about these sorts of things. Well, no, not usually. Well, no, sometimes. Actually, it’s more of a sort of—“

“Fuck right off,” Levi snaps, unbalanced. He’s not— There isn’t— He really needs to correct Hanji’s erroneous assumption but his tongue doesn’t want to cooperate with the rapid-fire, panicked swirl of his thoughts. “It’s not like that, why the hell-- Why would you-- What even gave you the fucking _idea_ \--”

“Easy,” Hanji says, raising a placating hand. “Like I said, just a guess. I figured it was a pretty safe one, though, considering Farlan has his Jan fellow and Isabel’s on the other side of the field, if you catch my meaning.”

“What the fuck does that have to do with anything?” Levi demands. His fucking face feels too hot, his extremities too cold, like all the fucking blood in his body has rocketed up to his cheeks. He probably looks deranged, but that’s not actually far from the truth. He knows people have their weird, contrived opinions on partnering and shit like this, Levi just never thought he’d be on the receiving end. Anyone who knows him well, all fucking five of the bastards, know - or at least can infer from some pretty fucking telling context clues - that Levi doesn’t _work like that_.

“Well, people tend to pair off, you see,” Hanji says. “Especially in high trauma, high stress situations. It’s not an uncommon response. See it all the time in our own ranks. Considering you three have been through a lot together, I would have assumed some amount of affection would follow, bonding instinct and all that, so it’s only natural to forge bonds with those who share your—“

“Right, that’s great and all,” Levi manages to get out through gritted teeth. “But that’s not how it— _Why_ am I even explaining this to you?” Yes, Levi, why _are_ you? It’s not like Hanji’s opinion on the subject is exceptionally important, or even slightly, for that matter. It’s unwanted, definitely, but Levi has the distinct feeling that Hanji’s never particularly cared about whether or not their opinion is wanted or called for in any given situation. Regardless he’s still not exactly sure why he’s so desperate to disprove them.

Well, aside from the fact that they’re fucking _wrong_.

“Well, clearly I hit a sore spot,” Hanji says, clicking their tongue. “My bad. I’m going to back away slowly. I feel like that’s probably my best bet right now. Backing away. Nice and slow. See? No need to take my head off.”

Levi glares at them, unimpressed, but they still cackle like a banshee before turning on their heel and disappearing into the mess with a cheery wave.

Fucking _hell_. As _if_. Whatever the fuck Hanji’s smoking, Levi sure as hell wants some of _that_ before they ride out tomorrow. Mainly so he can fucking forget this conversation ever happened. Fucking embarrassing. Thank god no one else was around to hear it.

He shakes himself, shakes off the discomfort and the last vestiges of honest to god shock that Hanji’s words had brought, and hurries off to find Isabel and Farlan before he can overthink too much and piss himself off further. He’ll never understand the weight people put on shit like this, on digging into other people’s personal business just because they’re curious. Fine, yes, Hanji was just guessing, didn’t mean anything by it, and were they right maybe Levi would have appreciated the sentiment. But they’re not, Levi doesn’t work like that, so they’ve just come across as nosy and annoying.

And _wrong_.

It’s fucking ridiculous, all of it, and Levi doesn’t have _time_ for this banal nonsense right now. The expedition is tomorrow, he can’t afford to be distracted. But in the middle of it all, at least he has the comfort that if anything does happen to them tomorrow, Hanji will make sure that Eren and the others know what happened. It’s weird, having people to leave behind, Levi’s not used to it, can’t decide it or feels good or bad to potentially leaving people behind. He’s gotten by for so long without owing anything to anyone and was quite happy to continue on like that. But… Well, maybe it’s not that Levi owes anyone anything. Maybe it’s just that he now has people who give a shit about what happens to him, to Farlan, to Isabel.

Levi’s going to end up putting his own head through a wall at this rate. Navigating interpersonal interactions was complicated enough already without throwing all this bullshit into the mix. Why people put so much stock into all this emotional crap, he’ll never understand.

At this rate, he’d welcome the chance to draw his swords and take down a titan or two. Give him the chance to work off some of this restless energy, clear his head. Ideally, he’d clean, but he’s not going to do the scouts’ work for them. If they want to live in squalor, he’s not going to do them any fucking favours.

People, Levi decides, are ridiculous. He feels like the only sane one among them.

Bring on the expedition, honestly, before Levi loses his mind completely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> levi, sweetie, you’re so close to getting the point. But it’s no wonder it flew right over your head, given how short you are.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> from the bottom of my heart, i just want to say........................................................................... my bad

_Grisha Jaeger seizes his son’s bony shoulders, grips him tight with bruising force. It hurts and Eren is scared, so very, very scared. His father is a calm man, a kind, sane, rational man, a doctor. But right now he looks anything but calm, anything but sane. He’s weeping and Eren is, too, both of them too distraught to find and hold on to reason._

_“Eren, you must listen.”_

_Eren struggles, tries to break free of his father’s vice-like grip. Get off me, he tries to yell, but the words won’t come out._

_“Eren, listen to me.”_

_I don’t want to, Eren tries to cry out past the fear that’s choking him. He can’t breathe. His father’s eyes are burning, deranged. Eren fears him. Fears him like he’s never feared him before._

_“Everything hinges on you, now. My son. My son, I’m sorry. It all falls to you.”_

_“What are you talking about?” Hot tears burn Eren’s cheeks, fear and grief claw up his throat. The death of his mother has sent his father insane. Is Eren going to die because he couldn’t save her? “Let me go. You’re insane, let me go!”_

_“You must avenge her! Your mother, you must. Everything falls to you now! Everything!”_

_What can I do? Eren thinks bitterly, salt sharp on his tongue as his tears flow into his mouth. I’m just a child._

_Grisha’s eyes burn, even through their tears they burn. Avenge your mother! He cries and Eren feels bones begin to crack under his skin. “Everyone’s lives, they all hinge on you now! Armin’s life! Mikasa’s life! Everyone’s life hinges on you being able to control this power!”_

_“What power?” A stinging prickle at his throat and Eren sobs, acid sweeping through his blood like a tsunami. “I don’t have any power! I can’t-- I can’t!”_

_“Remember the basement,” Grisha Jaeger says, fat tears slopping off of his face. He touches his son’s cheek softly and smiles, a small, tender thing, before a large pale hand snatches him up and tombstone teeth crush his head between titanic jaws._

Eren wakes up screaming.

* * *

“You need to eat something,” Mikasa says, pushing the bowl of porridge and jam closer to Eren. He shoves it away petulantly. “Eren,” she presses impatiently. “I will force feed you.”

“Try it,” Eren threatens darkly. It’s weak, he’s too tired to put up any sort of fight right now, but by god he’ll try. Even if he feels like he’s falling apart at the seams.

The nightmares are a problem. He’s never suffered with them before, only a few here and there after Shiganshina fell, but never for more than a few nights every month or so. They don’t really bother him, after all they’re only dreams, but these ones are always the same and he’s had them every night for the past week.

He doesn’t know why.

“Maybe talk to Zofia?” Armin offers. “She might give you something to help you sleep?”

Eren shakes his head sullenly. He doesn’t doubt that she could, but he doesn’t want anything dulling his senses, not when Shadis is looking for any excuse to tear him a new one. He can’t afford to drop his place, not now. He’s finally settling into his training, he can’t fall now that he’s doing so well.

He can’t deny, though, that the lack of sleep is getting to him.

He’s got a lot on his mind. A week ago, the scouts would have shipped out for their expedition, Levi, Farlan, and Isabel among them. They should be back now, long back considering scouting expeditions never last more than a day bar the worst sorts of circumstances, but taking into account the supposed distance between the headquarters and the compound, Eren’s not surprised a letter hasn’t reached them yet. Eren’s far too tired to be going out of his mind with worry, but it’s still settled uncomfortably in his gut like lead, concern for his friends, anxiety over not knowing if they’re okay. He’s desperate for any news, to the point that he’s even considered stealing a horse to ride all the way to HQ himself. Or he would, if he had any idea where it was. Or if he could trust himself to stay on the horse for long enough.

He’s _so_ tired.

“You need to do something,” Armin says, concerned. “You’ll make yourself sick.”

Eren scowls, opens his mouth to tell Armin to shove it, but that’s not fair and he’s only being so cantankerous because he’s exhausted, which isn’t Armin’s fault. He and Mikasa, they’re just worried about him, worried about their absent friends, and Eren’s just making the whole thing worse by acting like such a colossal shithead all the goddamn time.

“Sorry,” Eren mumbles, head dropping with equal parts guilt and lethargy. Mikasa nudges the porridge towards him wordlessly and Eren sighs before shovelling a spoonful into his mouth. “Happy?” He demands childishly. It comes out more like _”haffy?”_ but Mikasa looks satisfied so he chokes down the rest of it to spare himself a talking to.

“Well, it’s something,” Armin says, picking his book back up. “You’re supposed to be training with Reiner later, aren’t you?”

Oh, crap, Eren had almost forgotten. The state he's in right now, he’s barely going to be able to stand upright, let alone withstand a beating from Reiner, no matter how much the other kid holds back. And it had taken so much wheedling on Eren’s part to get him to agree to help give Eren some more hand-to-hand training, so he can’t skip out on it or Reiner will rescind his assistance.

Whatever. Eren will just have to power through. He can handle getting his ass beaten a few more times. He just needs to step his act up. Stop letting some shitty nightmares get him down so badly. They’re just dreams, this is getting ridiculous.

But… No. They’re just dreams. Eren hasn’t seen his father in years. If he were alive, he would have found them by now. What kind of father would leave his children behind if he were still living? He would know-- If he knew his son at all, he would know where Eren would be. Eren made it no secret that his goal was to join the scouts. Grisha would have known to look for him here.

“You really don’t look well,” Mikasa says and Eren drags his head up to glare at her, a scathing retort on his tongue, but the sight of her expression, twisted so painfully into concern, stops his bratty response before it can form.

“I’m okay,” Eren says, rubbing his eyes with his knuckles until the force makes colours burst behind his lids. “I’m just a little tired. If I don’t feel any better by Friday, I promise I’ll go see Zofia, okay?”

Mollified, Mikasa nods and returns to her own breakfast. Eren sighs inwardly, satisfied by the bullet he’s managed to dodge. And if he really doesn’t feel better by the end of the week, he will go and see Zofia. If not for his own peace of mind then for Mikasa’s.

* * *

“Like this,” Reiner says, drawing Eren’s arm back and nearly dislocating the fucking thing despite the fact that he’s trying to be gentle. “You see how simple this hold is? If I press my knee into the small of your back, I can dislocate it easily. Simple and effective.”

“Mnnggrgh,” Eren grunts, sweating. “Reiner-- _Reiner_. You’re killing me.”

“Oh.” Reiner lets go of him with an apologetic chuckle. “Sorry, Eren.”

Eren stumbles, nearly falling to a knee, and winces as he rolls his shoulder in its socket. Reiner helps him up after a moment and the assistance is sorely needed, as much as Eren wishes it weren’t. Normally, he’d shove Reiner’s hand away and pick himself up, dust himself off, but right now he can barely manage to stay upright without swaying.

Reiner, of course, picked up on it the moment Eren had met him after training was done for the day, likely looking half-dead because that’s how he feels on the inside, but after Eren had insisted for ten minutes straight that he was fine, Reiner had given in and agreed to give him some much needed training.

It is not, as you can imagine, going well.

“You really don’t look right,” Reiner says, peering at him. “You’ve been sleeping like ass, what’s the deal with you?”

“I’m fine,” Eren says through gritted teeth, like it’s scientifically proven that saying something enough times will make it true. “I’m just overtired, I think. But keeping my mind and body busy helps. Call it physical therapy if it makes you feel better about throwing me into a tree.”

Reiner laughs, clapping him on the back. “Can’t argue with that. Right, look, I’ll go easy on you this round. See if you can do that hold on me. Get your own back.”

Eren nods, shaking his hands out and hopping in place to try and get the blood flowing. He slaps his cheeks a few times to try and shock himself a bit further into wakefulness, which helps a little but not nearly as much as he’d like it to. Reiner drops into a defensive pose while he waits for Eren to gear himself up, hands raised, feet shoulder-width apart. Eren mirrors him, raising his fists, and begins to slowly circle him.

“Nice,” Reiner says approvingly. “Your posture’s pretty good. You’re light on your feet. Keep low, though. Remember: balls of the feet for movement, heels for damage.”

Eren nods, shifting his focus. The move he wants to execute is simple enough. One: go in low, duck under Reiner’s guard. Two: loop an arm around his neck and yank back to unbalance. Three: slip his other arm underneath Reiner’s left and pull. Knee to the back and press forward to dislocate. All in all, rudimentary. They’ve been over it a dozen times already and even as tired as he is, Eren knows the basics.

He shifts, goes in low. Reiner twists and bends his knees to intercept him.

And something shifts.

Like a match ignited, all of Eren’s exhaustion burns away. His focus sharpens, world falling away, and even in the slowly growing darkness of the forest he can see clearly. He can see exactly what Reiner wants to do, how he’s going to go for Eren’s stomach before he can lower his arms to block him, dig a fist in with intent to wind him, incapacitate him. Almost like it’s happening to someone else, Eren watches Reiner’s fist drive forwards. He sidesteps neatly before it can land, twisting to the left and bringing an elbow down sharply on Reiner’s shoulder.

Reiner grunts, surprised, and his arm goes slack in response to the blow. Eren goes low then, sinking down into a crouch, one leg bent at the knee and the other sweeping out in a sharp arc. He kicks hard at the backs of Reiner’s knees, sending him crashing forward onto the ground in a heap. Once down, Eren presses a knee into the small of his back, a hand wrapping over the lower half of Reiner’s face. Adrenaline skitters through Eren’s blood, screaming at him to twist sharply, jerk Reiner’s head to the side, snap his neck.

He stops himself at the last moment, haze clearing in a rush.

His ears are ringing. Reiner’s calling his name.

“--fuck was that?!” Reiner demands. Eren stumbles away from him, wide-eyed, watching as Reiner rolls to his feet, rubbing his shoulder with a grimace. He doesn’t look angry, though, as Eren had feared. No, he looks… Impressed.

“I definitely didn’t teach you that,” Reiner says, laughing a little breathlessly. “What the hell, Eren?”

“I’m-- sorry,” Eren blurts, wringing his hands. “I don’t… I don’t know how I did that.”

It’s the truth, he genuinely has no idea. One moment he was preparing to attempt the practiced hold, then everything had just… fallen away. He’d been moving instinctively, like something inside him knew what to do before he could even consciously consider it. His body had been ready to kill Reiner, that’s what’s scaring him. For a brief moment there, he’d been prepared to snap his friend’s neck on pure instinct alone.

Where the hell had that come from?

“Well, I don’t really know what to do now,” Reiner says, still laughing. “Geez, Eren. Here I was, preparing to throw you into a tree again, and you knocked me on my ass!”

“I really didn’t mean to,” Eren mumbles. “I just…”

“Don’t worry, it was great.” Reiner grins at him and Eren relaxes slightly, managing a small smile in return. “I don’t know why you’re so fixated on this, though. You’ve got skills enough, Eren. You don’t have to be the best at everything to be worth anything.”

“I know,” Eren says quietly. “I just… I want something I’m good at, you know? Something I can be proud of.”

“I get that,” Reiner says, uncharacteristically gentle. “But you shouldn’t overthink it so much. You get too focused, that’s your problem. Your instincts are sharp, kid, you should trust yourself more.”

 _You’re overthinking,_ Levi’s voice murmurs through Eren’s mind, unbidden. _It’s all well and good memorising technique, but it’s all about risks and instinct, which I know you have because I just watched you do it._

He’d said that months ago, when he’d been showing Eren how to use the gear. The memory jumps to the forefront of Eren’s mind, vibrant and strong, Levi’s fierce expression of pride when Eren had managed to right himself, the quiet jubilance on his otherwise stoic face. He’d been right then and he’s right now. Eren needs to trust himself more, needs to stop overthinking and holding himself back.

Eren misses him _so_ much.

But… If he _hadn’t_ held back… Would he have snapped Reiner’s neck before? Would his instincts have taken him that far?

It terrifies him that he doesn’t have an answer for that.

* * *

A few weeks later still brings no news from any of the underground trio and Eren is frantic. Quietly, exhaustedly so, but still frantic, restless. Mikasa and Armin, too, are concerned for the fate of their friends, but there is nothing they can do as they are now, no way they can get any more information. Eren asks Shadis as his last resort, asks the instructors, begs them to tell him if they’ve heard anything, but they turn him away with nothing to show for it. It’s the first time Eren has ever seen Shadis’ face soften and Eren wonders if it’s because the man knows what it is to lose comrades. But still he has nothing to offer, no solace, no confirmation, and it’s the not knowing that’s driving Eren insane.

He stays true to his word and goes to see Zofia. She offers him a box of chamomile tea and a tincture of lavender and passionflower that help a little, but doesn’t make the nightmares stop. It helps him to get more sleep each night, though, so he takes it without complaint. The tea’s not bad either, he has to admit. Makes him sleepy so he has less trouble actually getting to sleep. Whether he’ll stay asleep or not is another issue entirely.

He finds he sleeps easier after he spars with Reiner. Any day that training has them moving through the combat drills means that come lights-out Eren is far more likely to rest better. He starts asking Mikasa to spar with him each evening and she’s more than happy to help, both out of concern for him and out of a desire to keep her skills sharp. It passes the time, too, and keeps their minds off of their absent friends’ unknown fate.

Eren’s so focused on wearing himself out daily that he doesn’t notice until much later that he’s no longer struggling to keep up with the majority of his classmates. The gear’s second nature now, he hasn’t struggled with it since before Levi spent time training him, and he can outfly everyone in his group, Connie and Sasha included. They give him shit for it, all in good fun, but Eren’s far too preoccupied to be happy about it.

He probably would have continued on obliviously if he hadn’t been able to pin Mikasa during one of their evening sparring sessions. He’s not even really paying attention when it happens, has grown used to that odd spark that fires in the back of his head whenever he’s fighting, just moves as his body tells him, blocking Mikasa’s rough jab with his forearm and grabbing her by the lapel of her jacket and throwing her bodily over his shoulder. She hits the ground with a thud and stares up at him in shock for a good few minutes.

“Oh my god,” Eren says when he comes back to himself. “I’m--”

“Hell, Eren,” she says, smiling. He helps her to her feet, tripping over himself in his haste to apologise but she waves him off. “That’s… the first time anyone’s ever thrown me, I think?”

It is. It _is_ and Eren gapes at her, still horrendously guilty but also overwhelmingly _proud_ of himself. Mikasa’s not angry, if she were Eren would be on his ass before he could blink, weirdly keen instincts or no. She’s just happy for him, proud, and Eren flushes, inordinately pleased at his small but real victory.

“You’re not hurt?” He asks, brushing her jacket off. She shakes her head, catching his fussing hands and giving them a reassuring squeeze.

“I’m not hurt,” she tells him and Eren sighs with acute relief. “But I think you need to speak to Shadis.”

“About what?” Eren asks, alarmed.

“You threw me,” Mikasa says, like that’s the answer. At Eren’s bewildered look she rolls her eyes affectionately. “You threw _me_ , Eren. You could probably move groups if you wanted to. You’ve come so far this year already and you’re so determined, you keep improving. You could join my group.” Her smile widens a fraction. “Show Jean just how far you can throw someone.”

Oh, that’s a very tempting thought. Too tempting to pass up, honestly. Eren nods, decided, and Mikasa responds with a satisfied dip of her head. They head back to the barracks in companionable silence that Mikasa only breaks once it’s time for her to leave for the women’s quarters.

“I know that it’s hard, not knowing,” she says. “But I’m sure someone would have gotten word to us if they were hurt.”

Eren winces. “Would they, though?” He’d told himself the same, at the beginning. That someone would have sent word if anything had happened to Levi and the others, a letter of consolation or something to that effect, but in reality there’s no way they would know to do that. Levi and Isabel and Farlan, for so long all they had was each other, there’s no reason they’d tell the scouts - who they didn’t even want to join in the first place - that there were people who’d want to know if something happened to them.

“Maybe not,” Mikasa amends, sighing. “But I like to think that one of them would have said something. And… Well, more than that I like to think that they’re too busy settling into their free lives to find the time to write. You know how excited Farlan was about seeing Jan again. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s distracted.”

Eren manages a smile at that. “Yeah, I know. God, I bet they were disgusting. Actually, I have no idea, but I bet it was really mushy and gross.”

“Oh, like you’d be any better,” Mikasa teases. “I’m dreading the day we get to go and visit the three of them. You’ll throw yourself at Levi like a character out of one of those romance novels Jean likes to pretend he doesn’t read.”

Eren splutters. “How-- How do you know about that?!”

“The novels?” Mikasa shrugs. “Christa had a copy of the same book. I recognised it.”

“Not _that_. The…”

Mikasa raises an eyebrow. “About your crush on Levi? Eren. How long have we been friends?”

Eren covers his face with his hands and moans into them. The pain is artistic and emotional. “Why didn’t you _say anything?_ ”

“Two reasons,” Mikasa says matter of factly. “First, that you’d probably be so embarrassed that you’d catch fire and I didn’t want to be responsible for that. Second, if I told you I knew, then you might try to talk to me about it and I really don’t want to listen to you pine about Levi for hours at a time.”

“I’m not _pining_ ,” Eren snaps. “I’ve never pined in my _life_.”

“No?” Mikasa’s eyes glint. “Eren, you’re about thirty seconds away from scribbling “I heart Levi” all over your classroom work.”

“I am _not!_ ”

This is perfect, honestly. All these weeks Eren’s been under the impression he’s been handling the situation with, may he even go so far as to offer, poise and a certain amount of grace. He’s been openly worried, sure, but he’s not let his… extra affection show when talking about Levi. He’s taken great pains _not_ to do that. To know that it’s apparently all been for nothing is a particular kind of irritating. He might as well not have bothered if he was so fucking obvious about it anyway.

“It’s fine, you know,” Mikasa says, suddenly serious. “That you like him. I don’t know _why_ but… You could do a lot worse, I suppose. I’ll support you no matter what, you know that, right?”

Eren ducks his head, embarrassed. “Yeah, I know. Thanks, ‘kasa.” He throws a grin at her. “You sure you don’t want to support me by listening to me talk about what it is I like about him?”

“I take it back,” Mikasa says flatly.

Eren’s grin widens. “So, first of all--”

“No.”

“It’s those _eyes_ \--”

“I’m not listening.”

“--And his hair. _God,_ Mikasa, where do I even start about his--”

“I’m leaving, I hate you.”

She turns away and Eren snickers, calling after her as she marches towards the women’s quarters. “So much for your support!”

He’s still snickering as he slips into the barracks, heading past Connie and Marco who are already unconscious and Jean who’s engrossed in a book that Eren’s definitely going to be giving him shit about later. Armin’s still awake and sat up in bed, scribbling something in a notebook. He sits up sharply when Eren heads for his bunk, throwing the covers off and swinging his legs onto the floor.

“You got a letter,” Armin says quickly before Eren can even open his mouth to say hello. He points at the pillow on Eren’s bunk, on top of which rests an envelope with his name scrawled near-illegibly on the front.

Eren’s heart leaps up into his throat. It can’t be… Not after so long. But, _god,_ he hopes that it is.

He all but leaps on it, snatching it up and ripping it open in such a hurry he tears it nearly in half. He turns it over, breath catching at the sight of the green wax seal bearing the wings of freedom that he’s been hoping - damn near praying - to see for weeks now. He tries to slow his eager hands, to slip the letter out without damaging it further, but his hands are shaking with such acute excitement he’s finding it nearly impossible. Somehow he manages to get it out, unfolding the letter and letting out a soft, disbelieving laugh when he sees that the letter begins with a messily scrawled _Brat_.

“Levi’s handwriting is shit,” Eren says, sounding close to tears. Armin shoots to his feet, eyes wide with excitement, and he reaches out. Instinctively Eren grabs his hand, linking their fingers together tightly for comfort on both of their parts, as he takes a deep breath and begins to read.

Eren’s heart is a surprisingly fragile thing. He’d never thought much of it before. He’s gotten this far through sheer force of will alone. The fall of Shiganshina, the loss of his parents, all of it had the potential to destroy him, but he’d made it through okay because he hadn’t been alone.

It’s a short letter, but there is pain behind every word. There are graphite smudges on the paper, darker, erratic strokes where the hand guiding the pencil had presumably shaken, pressed too hard and snapped the tip. Eren feels like he’s suffocating and the oppressive sensation wrapping tightly around his throat doesn’t lessen when he gets to the end. He’s crying, he can feel it, tears pouring down his cheeks, unbidden and unchecked. When he manages to wrench his eyes away from the paper and towards Armin, his friend is staring at him with open concern.

He can’t speak. Why can’t he speak? His mouth works but the words won’t come out. He coughs, but that just makes his lungs tighten. He can feel every beat of his heart, thundering in his ears and _why_ can’t he speak?

“Hey,” Jean says, suddenly in front of Eren. When had he gotten there? “Hey, Eren, can you hear me?”

Numbly, Eren nods.

Jean nods, too, resting his hands lightly on Eren’s shoulders, a barely-there brush of his hands that’s so very careful. “It’s okay. Come sit down. I think you’re having a panic attack.”

Eren sits as directed and Armin follows, both of them reluctant to unclasp their hands. Jean crouches in front of Eren, close but not touching him. He holds up a hand, fingers splayed. “Eren,” he says again. “I’m going to curl my fingers. I want you to take a deep breath when I lower my pinky. Don’t breathe out until I lower my thumb, ‘kay?”

How does Jean know this? Eren’s never had a panic attack in his life. Or has he? Dimly, he thinks that this feeling is familiar. He’s felt it once before, on a warm summer’s day, before… Before his world fell apart.

Jean’s pinky finger lowers, curling into his palm. Dutifully, Eren inhales, slow and deep, keeps going as Jean lowers his fingers sequentially, holding it until he sees the thumb go down, then releases it in a rush.

“Good,” Jean says. “Again now.”

It takes a few rounds of that strange breathing exercise before Eren’s voice will obey him. Jean moves back, giving him space and Armin squeezes his hand.

“Armin,” Eren finally manages, unable to even attempt to keep his voice steady. The others in the room are staring at him, Jean and Reiner and Bertholdt, he can feel their eyes on him but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t fucking care. “I need… I need you to go and get Mikasa.”

“Oh, Eren,” Armin says, eyes filling with sympathetic tears. “What… happened?” He doesn’t want to ask, but he has to know. Eren understands. Distantly, he knows he would feel the same.

“It’s.” He swallows, mouth dry. He tries again, though it feels like his chest is ripping apart as the words claw their way up his throat. “It’s Farlan,” he says, hoarse and agonised. “He… He didn’t…” He needs to say more, he needs to _explain_ , but like before the words just won’t come.

“No,” Armin says, hand flying up to cover his mouth. The other, the one still clutching Eren’s left, tightens. Eren feels like he’ll fly apart if Armin lets go. “No...”

“God,” Jean breathes, eyeing the letter clutched tightly in Eren’s trembling fingers. “I’m… I’m so sorry, Eren.”

 _So am I,_ Eren thinks, the mental words coming sluggishly, through a haze of fog that’s clouding his brain. They don’t know, they don’t _know_. Eren needs to explain, needs to show them the letter, but he can’t make the words come, can’t lift his hand to pass Armin the letter. Can only sit there, frozen, numb, weeping.

Oh, god, Levi. How must he be feeling? How must he and Isabel be feeling? And there’s nothing Eren can do for them here.

He releases Armin’s hand, balls his own into fists, shoves them against his eyes, and screams.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally. the awaited expedition. your comments on the previous chapter were... well, loved as always, much appreciated. but... well, read on, you'll see.

There’s an atmosphere among the scouts, the likes of which Levi has never experienced before in his life. The streets of Calaneth are full to bursting with people, onlookers, well wishers, family, friends, all gathered to watch them depart. The scouts themselves seem to ripple with energy, excitement, nervousness, dread, all of it mixed up into a kind of frenzied mania that Levi cannot understand. Hanji’s a ball of utter joy, wriggling in their saddle as the gate to the district is slowly winched open.

Beside him, Farlan and Isabel hold their breaths.

Erwin brings his horse around, gazes out at the sea of faces, the two-hundred and fifty-strong regiment, and smiles.

“Today, marks the first expedition I will lead you on,” he says, voice carrying over the susurrus of excited murmurs that ceases the moment he addresses them. “And my faith in you all cannot be quantified. It is my sincerest pleasure to be riding out with you, my comrades, my siblings-in-arms, and today marks a turning point in humanity’s existence, I can feel it. On your backs you carry the hope of mankind. In your hearts, her future.”

Honeyed words, carefully crafted. Levi can’t fault him, the man knows how to work an audience. The scouts cheer for him, the people cheer for him, clamouring loudly, deafeningly, and Levi’s heart thuds in triple time inside his ribs as the gate finally rises and locks above them. The walls loom, stand sentinel, and Erwin’s arm raises before dropping sharply and their horses charge forward as one, spilling out through the gate like a living wave.

It’s… Unlike anything Levi’s ever seen before. He thought he’d gotten used to the world above ground. He’s seen the sun, the rain, the snow. Felt the wind on his face, seen how blue the sky can be. But out here… Vast plains of uninterrupted wilderness, rolling green fields, distant mountains arcing up out of the earth, hazy lilac on the horizon. Levi breathes in, slow, awed. The air out here tastes almost sweet, honeyed. And that cloying sense of claustrophobia that has followed him since he was a child finally falls away.

“My god,” Farlan says, tilting his head up towards the sun. “So this is what it’s like.”

“Yeah,” Levi murmurs, tilting his own face up. There’s not a cloud in the sky. “Not bad.”

Ahead of them, Flagon throws out an arm. Several feet away, each section commander does the same. The units under their command break away from the central ranks, billowing out into their formations and Levi’s group do the same, guiding their horses out towards the far edge of the overall group, into the positions they will hold unless they encounter any titans. Levi isn’t afraid, isn’t sure he knows how to be, but the rapid stutter of his heart tells another story. But if this is what it’s like outside the walls… Maybe he can understand why the scouts want to leave so badly. It’s intoxicating, he can see how it might become addictive.

He thinks that Eren would love this. The kid’s eyes would go saucer-wide. His face would absolutely light up. The taste of true freedom, however fleeting, would overjoy him. Just like it is for Isabel, for Farlan. Levi cranes his head round to look at them. Isabel’s grinning like the sun, looking around at a world that is so much larger than any of them had ever believed it could be. Farlan catches his eye then, stares for a long moment before a breathless smile sweeps over his face. Levi nods back, understands. How they’re supposed to return back inside the walls he doesn’t know. Not after tasting the air outside.

There isn’t really much chance for talking. The formation stretches out, out, out, until they fall into the practiced positions they’ve been studying and implementing over countless expeditions. A few dozen or so feet away, Levi catches sight of Sairam who waves, grinning fiercely. The scouts, most of them, anyway, all bear the same expressions of deep excitement, exhilaration, like they were born for this. There’s fear there, underneath it all, but even Levi’s having trouble worrying about titans right now. Not when his heart feels so light in his chest.

They urge their horses on, over the grassy plains, thundering hooves a constant drumbeat. Far ahead Levi can see a hamlet, untouched save for the weeds overgrown around it, spider webbing across stonework. It must be the same all throughout Maria. Homes left in a panicked rush, lives abandoned. Out there somewhere, far ahead where Levi cannot yet see, is Eren’s home, Shiganshina, abandoned over six years ago now. Will Eren ever get to see it again? Will the scouts ever manage to reclaim it? Levi doesn’t know, but he… He hopes they will. He wants that for Eren.

There’s a ringing explosion of sound to Levi’s right and he snaps his head round to look. One of their unit has fired off a round, red, and Levi looks past her, through the fading trail of smoke.

So that’s a titan.

It looks so small at this distance but Levi’s not stupid enough to assume it harmless. He’s heard enough horror stories, knows what these beasts can do. Looking at it now he can understand why humanity fears them. They look _wrong,_ bulbous, grotesque. Too many teeth, jerky, erratic movements. They’re monsters for sure. The stuff of nightmares.

And this one is making a beeline right for them.

“Ah, shit,” Flagon snaps. To Levi’s left, a volley of sequential red flares are fired to notify Erwin of the sighting. “If this thing gets any closer, all units engage, y’hear me? I’m not losing anyone less than an hour into an expedition. That goes for you three, too!”

Well. Colour Levi surprised. He’d assumed Flagon would throw them at the first titan they saw without a second thought.

Levi keeps an eye on the titan as they spread their little unit’s formation out a little wider, waiting for Erwin to signal a course correction. It’s hard to gauge it’s actual height from this distance, but it must be around twelve meters, which isn’t great. Well, Levi assumes. Flagon doesn’t seem unduly bothered, pissed but not frightened, which must be a good sign. He’s glaring at the titan, silently daring it to get closer. And it does, lumbering steps, weaving all over the place like it can’t control its own limbs, but its eyes are centred on their group and Levi’s hands tighten on the reins.

“Ugly fucker!” Isabel yells at it. “Put some fucking clothes on!”

Farlan cackles. “You tell him, Isa!”

Levi smirks to himself. Trust his idiots not to be terrified of the naked monster heading straight for them. He does seriously worry for their sanity sometimes.

“We’ll have to take it down, it’s seen us already,” Flagon barks to their unit. “Prepare to engage ODM gear!” He yells when the titan’s less than a hundred feet away. “Newbies, stay back!”

Yeah, fat chance of that. It’s not that Levi’s got anything to prove, but this thing, this grotesque hulking monster, had the power to snuff out his friend’s lives on a whim, so of course Levi’s not going to let it lie. And of course, he’s itching to test himself. He raises himself up in the saddle and to his horse’s credit, the beast’s gait doesn't falter in the slightest. He has to hand it to the scouts, they train their horses exceptionally well.

“Myra, Nichols!” Flagon barks. “Switch to ODM! And if either of you get eaten, I’ll—“ He’s cut off by the sharp hiss of anchors and a moment later Levi goes whirling over his head. Flagon stares after him, too shocked to be angry. Yet. Levi catches a brief glimpse of his face, slack-jawed and wide-eyed, before Levi’s second anchor hits the titan in the thigh and he whirls towards it at dizzying speeds.

There’s nothing for them to manoeuvre on out here, which Levi is starting to understand is the reason why their mortality rate is so high. All of them are skilled with the gear, he can’t deny that, but with nothing to anchor on, their gear may as well be a death sentence. Makes no difference to Levi, though. Titan flesh makes just as good an anchor point as brick, stone, or branch. He’s an opportunist, after all.

He whirls round the titan, using his momentum to throw himself up towards the back of its neck. It doesn’t even see him, he’s moving too fast for it to follow. His swords glint and his focus hones in on the weak spot at its nape, his deadly target. Not even a second later, his blades are parting flesh.

The titan goes down like a sack of bricks, steam billowing from the incision in thick, foul-smelling clouds. Levi grimaces and zips away from the corpse, titan blood steaming as it evaporates from his cloak. He whistles to bring his horse back round so he can mount up and rejoin the others. Isabel and Farlan cheer for him, standing up in their stirrups and hollering like a couple of lunatics. Levi guides his horse into a sharp canter to catch up with them, smirking at the both of them.

“Levi one, Titans zero.” Isabel grins. “Smooth going, bro.”

Flagon stares at him. Levi stares back. He hadn’t engaged the titan to prove anything, just wanted to get it the fuck away from his friends, but judging by Flagon’s expression, he’s gained some sort of tenuous approval for himself.

Two birds, one stone.

* * *

They don’t encounter another titan for a good long while. Levi’s not entirely sure what their true destination is, doesn’t particularly care, but whatever it is, they’ll likely never reach it now. The sky has clouded over all of a sudden, and Levi knows this because he’s spent most of his time out here watching the endless blue above him, had watched the clouds creeping in until it became nothing but a stormy sea of grey. The scouts in their unit pull their hoods up as one so Levi and the others do the same, just in time as the sky splits then and pelts them with sheeting rain that drenches them in seconds.

That’s not the worst part, though Levi’s not exactly pleased about being wet and chilled.

No. The worst part is the mist that rolls in, thick and heavy, getting denser and denser the further they ride, until they can barely see a dozen feet in front of them.

This is bad. They won’t be able to see any flares at this rate. What good is a long-distance enemy scouting formation if you can’t scout your fucking enemies?

“Keep close!” Flagon yells. “And stay alert! With any luck this’ll clear up fast.”

Levi’s not optimistic. The only good thing going for them is that they’ve entered a copse of trees so they’ll have something to maneuver on if they need to engage. But they might as well be alone out here, with all this mist between them. They won’t see a titan until it’s right on top of them. He can barely see his own unit through the fog, rain drowning out the companionable sound of his squad’s hoofbeats.

A particularly harsh gust of wind has Levi shielding his eyes while his horse shies beneath him. He steadies her, reins her in, with a reassuring pat on the neck and guides her into a swift gallop, chasing after the fading sound of hooves that has crept ahead. He can see the edge of Isabel's cape fluttering in the fog, jarringly disconnected from the rest of her form that is obscured by the mist. He focuses on that, rather than the sense of claustrophobia that has begun to creep back in.

“Hold!” Flagon bellows from somewhere up ahead. Levi halts his horse abruptly at the shout, her hooves skidding a foot or so in the sodden mud beneath them. He squints through the mist and rain, can just about make out Isabel and Flagon’s forms, though they resemble drowned rats more than anything else. He looks around, for all the good it does him.

They’re missing three from their unit, as though the fog has swallowed them whole.

Where the _fuck_ is Farlan?

“Shit,” Flagon hisses, shielding his eyes against the rain. “Rotten luck. Right, both of you, stay close, I want us in a sharp gallop through this, no matter what comes our way.”

“Not a fucking chance,” Isabel snaps. “Or haven't you noticed we're missing two people?”

“Yeah, thanks for the heads up,” Flagon sneers at her. “The fuck do you want me to do about it? It was bound to happen, we can’t exactly mount a search.”

“Give me your flare gun,” Levi says, holding out a hand. “You have an acoustic round, don’t you? If I fire, he can--”

“No,” Flagon says, cutting him off abruptly. Levi’s hand twitches towards his sheathed blade. He does so hate to be interrupted. “I don’t give a fuck how things are done where you come from, but while you’re in my squad, you follow my orders.”

Isabel looks at Levi. Levi looks back at her. As one, they turn their horses around and ease them into rapid gallops, abandoning Flagon to the mist.

“The idiot thought he had us, didn’t he?” Isabel sneers.

Levi nods, grim faced. “He misread the situation.” An egregious error on Flagon’s part. He had to know, definitely suspected, that if he gave an order they didn’t appreciate that they’d disobey him. Not outright kill him, he’s an asshole, but he’s otherwise innocent, and that’s as much of an allowance as Levi is willing to make. Have they doomed him by abandoning him to face any lurking titans alone? Perhaps. But Levi’s allegiance will always be to Farlan and Isabel first, no matter the situation.

“We’ll never find them in this mess,” Isabel complains. “They can’t have gotten far, surely?”

“No idea.” The mist is their biggest enemy right now and one they cannot fight no matter how hard they try. Neither of them have flares, not unless they want to go back and wrestle them from Flagon, so all they can do is ride and hope for the best.

“Circle round,” Levi says. “Farlan’s not an idiot. The moment he noticed we’re not with him, he’ll likely have doubled back. If we stay in a central location, he’ll find us. If we can hold up until the mist clears, we can hightail it back to the wall, the rest of the scouts be damned.”

He always said this would be the case. He made no illusions that he ever gave a damn about the scouts. His priority will always be Farlan and Isabel. He shoves down the panic, shoves down the distress, it serves no purpose here. He’ll focus on finding Farlan alive and well - and he _will_ find Farlan alive and well - and then he’ll get the three of them back to safety or die trying.

“Levi, stop!”

He does, yanking his reins up sharply at Isabel’s panicked cry. He whirls round to face her. She’s pointing, up through the mist and cloud cover, up through the driving rain. Faintly, obscured by that bastard fog, is a thin trail of fading black, already being caught by the wind.

Abnormal.

Levi grits his teeth. They don’t have a choice. Their best bet right now is to link up with whichever poor bastards are currently engaging the titan below the smoke, to hope they can reach them in time and that the unit engaging are lucky enough to live. Judging by Isabel’s grim expression, she knows it too. He nods at her and they ride hard in the direction the flare was shot from.

“Stay close to me,” Levi yells to her. “Don’t take any stupid risks, I swear to god, Isabel, I’m not kidding.”

“Same to you,” she calls back. “Don’t you fucking die on me, either of you. I’ll never let you forget it if you do!”

They burst through the mist and Levi has to duck in the saddle as a large hand swoops through the fog, narrowly missing his head. There’s not just one, there’s a whole fucking herd of the bastards, three small, one big, the abnormal. It fucking looks it, too, the titan’s an ugly bastard, long legs, long arms, stunted torso, long black hair and teeth that are razor sharp and pointed. Twelve-meter, by the looks of it, and a couple of six and a four. Between the largest one’s teeth is caught the broken body of a fallen scout, and as Levi and Isabel circle it, the titan’s sweeping arm comes round again, smacking another scout out of the air as he tries to circle it.

Levi recognises the crippled body as it arcs through the air towards him, sees the sightless eyes as he swerves to avoid it.

Sairam.

Levi draws his swords and launches himself from his saddle, firing his anchors into the titan’s back. It snarls, animalistic, and rounds on him, and Levi curses that he’s a second too late, which is saying something, and he has to let his anchors dislodge to avoid the titan’s vicious swipe. He drops like a stone, gas hissing to counteract his momentum and he fires an anchor into the titan’s thigh to regain some control over his fall.

”Hey, ugly, over here!” Isabel screams, incensed by Sairam’s death and calling the titan’s attention away from Levi. Her wires whir with a screech as she whips hard to the left, narrowly avoiding the massive hand swiping through the air. It misses her by inches, but it doesn’t miss her horse, crushes the poor animal with one careless blow, but Levi can’t think about that right now, doesn’t even have time to get to Isabel and help, has to flip rapidly out of the way of a set of pointed teeth that snap together mere inches away from where Levi’s leg had been moments ago.

He wrenches himself backwards, using the momentum from his flip to catapult himself back and over, just as Isabel swings low beneath him and severs the tendons in the backs of the titan’s left ankle. It howls and collapses to a knee and that gives Levi the window he needs to zip up and sink his blades into the nape of the abnormal that has managed to decimate this unlucky squad in a matter of seconds.

“Move, Isabel!” He roars through rain and steam, eyes burning from the thick clouds now billowing off the disintegrating corpse. “Get a horse and go!”

“Not without you!” Stubborn to the last, Isabel disconnects her stunted blade and unsheaths a new set, ripping them from their scabbard with a hissing ring of metal on metal. “How’s your gas?”

“Don’t fucking worry about my gas, you idiot! Grab one of these dead bastards’ horses and—“

“Newsflash!” Isabel yells at him. “All dead! Couldn’t leave if I wanted to!”

Levi snarls, ripping into the neck of one of the six-meters seconds after Isabel’s blades slice through the backs of its ankles as they had with the first and together they bring the beast to the ground with a thunderous crash. He spins, anchors to the ground, and skids through dirt as he comes to a stop beside her. She’s bleeding from a gash on her cheek and panting but is otherwise unharmed, which is more than Levi can say for the rest of the squad. Bodies litter the ground, blood churned with mud covering everything in sight. Levi’s cloak is soaked through by blood and rainwater, weighing him down. He sheds it without a second thought, dropping it to the ground.

“We can’t stay here,” Levi says, whistling for his horse. “We’re too exposed.”

“I don’t know which direction we should even start with,” Isabel says grimly, spitting out a mouthful of blood and rainwater. Idiot’s bitten her tongue. She wipes her chin with the back of her hand. “The rain-- It’s too fucking much, Levi.”

He looks at her for a long moment. He expected her to be afraid, terrified, but she’s looking back at him evenly, pissed but not frightened. She’s calm, too, despite her anger, not shaking, meeting his gaze with a sort of quiet, grim acceptance that’s more than a little shocking to see.

He wonders just when exactly it was that she grew up. He looked away for a second and when he looked back, he still expected to see the little girl begging to join his and Farlan’s gang only a few years ago. But Isabel isn’t that girl anymore. She’s a young woman, brave, loyal, smart.

Levi will see her through this if it’s the last thing he does.

He’s glad she doesn’t need comforting right now. Not only is he bad at it, but they have no time for it, no time to reassure her that he hadn’t been able to see the rest of the scouts either, because there’s no comfort to be found in their predicament. They’re standing among the bodies of scouts and titans alike, and there are likely more somewhere out there in the rain and mist, signified by the black smoke whispering up above their heads.

“Best thing we can do is keep moving,” Levi says, mounting his horse and holding out a hand for Isabel to hop up behind him. He doesn’t look at Sairam’s body, can’t, just grunts and whirls the horse around, guiding it into a brisk gallop. He doesn’t care what direction they’re going in, just wants to put as much distance between them and the corpses as possible.

“Keep an eye out,” he yells to Isabel over his shoulder, fighting to be heard over the howling wind and thundering rain. “I don’t give a shit what happens to anyone else, but we need to find Farlan.”

“Got it,” Isabel says, arm tightening around his waist. “This is a nightmare.”

He has to agree. Even Erwin, for all his apparent tactical genius, could not have predicted the weather. It had turned so sharply too, sunny one moment, torrential downpour the next. It’s a cruel twist of fate that it should happen today of all days, and when Levi finally dies, he’s going to be having some serious words with whoever the fuck is waiting for him about karma. Not on his part, he knows he’s got some shit to answer for, but for Isabel and Farlan. They don’t deserve this.

“Ah, shit,” Isabel mutters at his back. She stretches an arm out, points at yet another faint and fading column of black smoke. Levi grits his teeth and guides his horse left. Basically they’re on clean-up, duty, is what Levi’s getting from this. Sweeping up after the decimated units that have encountered abnormals when they shouldn’t have. Hanji had said they were rare. Hanji had said their chances were poor anyway. Levi wants to scream.

He wants to find Farlan.

 _Please_ let him be okay.

The fading flare is too far away. Levi knows they won’t make it in time to save anyone, doesn’t know when he started to care, but so much death is starting to get to him, probably. It would be nice to get there in time to save even a single life but he knows that wish is a tall order. Still he pushes his horse on further, Isabel’s arms a vice around his waist, but he doesn’t care. It means she’s there with him, means she’s alive. He can deal with a three-mile heimlich if it means she’s safe with him.

“Get ready to engage,” he calls over his shoulder. Isabel grunts an affirmation and unholsters her triggers. They cut through the fog like glass and Levi feels Isabel tense at his back, ready to spring.

His horse shrieks as the body of a fifteen-meter hits the ground in a steaming pile.

“Yeah, suck it!” Hanji cries, zipping down to the ground, titan blood steaming on their blades. “That’s six-four, Moblit, drinks are on you!” They cheer, doing an absurd little dance in place, before they spy Levi and Isabel and beam at them. “Newbies! Rotten luck about the weather!”

“What the fuck?” Isabel says. Levi concurs.

“Oh, just a bit of sporting fun!” Hanji says. “Moblit and I like to make things interesting with a friendly wager.”

“Where the hell is your squad?” Levi demands.

Hanji points with their sword. “Rendezvousing with the central ranks up ahead. Sorry about the confusion, I bet it was rough for you lot on the outskirts. Erwin changed course pretty soon after the rain set in, but a lot of the outlying formation couldn’t see far enough. There’s shelter ahead, they’ve stopped there to wait out the rain.”

Well. Fat lot of good that does the rest of them. “Sairam’s dead,” Levi says tersely. “And the rest of his squad. Flagon, too, probably.”

“Not Sairam!” Hanji cries, aghast. “He was such a good kid--”

“Yeah, well, he made a good distraction,” Levi says through gritted teeth. “We need to find Farlan. We got separated. So unless—“

“I’ve seen him!” Hanji jumps in place, pointing away with their left blade. “He came galloping past with this fella on his heels.” With their right blade they point to the disintegrating titan. “He’s fine, we sent him on ahead to link up with the others.”

Levi sags with relief. “Thank you,” he says, and genuinely means it. Isabel quivers against his back, her own relief palpable.

“No problem.” Hanji beams and whistles for their horse, mounting it and turning it round. “We’ll come with. Keep an eye on your six. Moblit! Come on, time’s a-wasting!” Their long-suffering companion trots his horse over, offering Levi a weary smile. How either of them can smile right now Levi will never understand. Their comrades have been slaughtered, how can they be smiling?

“It’ll be okay,” Hanji says cheerfully. “Have you taken on a titan yet?”

“Yeah.” Isabel nods, re-sheathing her blades. “Three. And an abnormal.”

“Shit,” Hanji says, eyes wide. “That’s cruel. For your first expedition you really drew the short straw.”

Levi glares at them. “Could you be normal for five minutes?” He snaps. “Your comrades are dying out here.”

Hanji gazes back at him levelly. “How I deal with that is my business,” they say, an edge of iciness creeping into their tone for the first time since Levi met them. “There’s a time for mourning and a time for action. I’ve been doing this long enough to know that.”

For the first time, Levi holds his tongue. He can’t actually fault them there. More than that, he probably respects that outlook more than he would have before he’d left the walls. He can understand that, which is saying something considering he’s felt nothing but clueless since they rode out.

“Let’s go,” Hanji says, putting an end to the tense moment. “We need to find your friend.”

* * *

Two hundred and sixty-four scouts left the walls that morning. Two hundred and fifty, plus their section leaders, plus their Commander, plus Levi, Farlan, and Isabel.

Levi doesn’t know how many will make it back, had foolishly hoped that they would defy fate, defy the odds, and that their skill would be enough to see them through.

They ride through the fog that is slowly beginning to dissipate, but Levi’s too frantic inside to care about that, too anxious to reach the central ranks and find Farlan. The four of them ride far and fast, Isabel’s arms clutched around Levi’s waist as he pushes his horse faster still, until the ruined remains of an old windmill rear up through the mist to greet them.

“Perfect,” Hanji says, to Levi’s left. “Right where the maps said it would be. It’s an old grain mill, there should be an old village to the north, less than a few hundred yards. It was our designated rest point should anything…”

They trail off. Levi can already see why.

The mist parts like a divine force is bidding it to do so. The rain has eased off, the clouds parting and the sun that had shined so brilliantly that morning is working to burn it away at long last. Levi wishes it wasn’t. He grew up around death, he’s no stranger to it.

But this is slaughter.

The fog thins the closer they get to the village, and Levi can no longer tell what is mud and what is viscera, churned so sickeningly into the sodden ground beneath his horse’s hooves. There are bodies everywhere, broken, bleeding, a sea of fallen scouts littering the ground in all directions. Hanji bows their head, Moblit clutches a fist to his chest, but Levi can only stare.

This is what they ride out for. This is the fate of the scouts, what they live for. What they die for.

“This is… the entire center rank,” Hanji says, voice dropping into a horrified whisper. “How could it… How could they all…?”

The center rank. Where Farlan should have been. Where Hanji sent him, assured that he would be safe.

“Don’t,” Hanji says, sharp, as Levi moves to dismount his horse. They’re holding a hand out as though to physically stop him. “Don’t dismount. If there are titans nearby, you’ll be--”

“Shut. The fuck up,” Levi tells them, biting the words out. He’s going to check every single one of these bodies. He’s going to turn over the broken corpses until he finds the one he’s looking for. He’ll stay out here for as long as it takes. He’s not returning to the walls without Farlan, be he dead or alive.

“Levi,” Hanji says, voice insistent. “I know-- Trust me, I _know_. But until we link up with the others, there’s no point. At least wait until we join the vanguard. They’ll have carts, we can gather the bodies and ride back with them. He might still be alive. Don’t throw your life away on a whim.”

They’re right. He hates them for it, but they’re right.

“This is your cause?” Levi asks bitterly.

Hanji’s eyes are full of pain. “You know what it means to be trapped,” they say softly. “This is how we fight for our freedom. I know it looks-- I know it’s hard to understand. But it’s better to die fighting for freedom than live in chains.”

Levi doesn’t want to hear it. He doesn’t want to hear any of it. He wants Isabel to not be weeping into his back, he wants Farlan to be here with them and safe. He wants to have never left the underground in the first place. He wants never to have been fucking _born_ if life is meant to be nothing but pain.

One of the corpses gasps and Isabel screams.

Levi doesn’t have time to react before she’s tumbling from the back of his horse. Hanji yells for her, Levi lunges from the saddle but she’s moving too fast for him to catch. He jumps down, sprinting after her, but she’s already skidding onto her knees in the blood and dirt, hauling a legless corpse off of the dying scout trapped beneath. She’s always been a bleeding heart, and as much as Levi wants to stop her, tell her they can’t stay here to see to the dying moments of a stranger, he knows she’ll fight him like hell if he tries.

Isabel turns to them, tears streaming down her face. “Give me your cape!” She screams at Hanji and Levi’s taken aback by the terror in her tone. “I need-- I need a tourniquet! I need something to stop the bleeding!”

“Isabel--” Hanji starts, gently, but Levi doesn’t hear the rest of their sentence. Isabel shifts on her knees, pulling the dying scout into her lap. She pushes the hood of the green cape back, pushes sodden and tousled dirty blonde hair back from their face. She’s weeping, chanting soft reassurances under her breath, rocking back and forward and howling out her grief between shuddering breaths.

Pale, dazed eyes fix on his own. Levi feels his knees go weak.

It’s Farlan.

He’s _alive_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys come on. do you see the character death tag? give me some credit.


	24. Eren Jaeger, 104th Cadet Corps, Wall Rose, Eastern District - Urgent

_Brat,_

_I’ve written two of these now. I left one with a scout to give to you if we didn’t make it back. Thank fuck this isn’t that letter is all I’m saying. But… God, I wish I had better news._

_You don’t want to be a scout. You don’t. You don’t want to see what I saw. They get slaughtered out there, Eren, and I don’t want that for you. Isabel and I are fine, but we lost over fifty scouts. Fifty. I don’t even know how to stomach that number. I don’t even know how to feel about that. I didn’t care about any of them when I rode out and now I’ve got the weight of their deaths on my back._

_I left a scout out there to die, Eren. Because I didn’t want to follow his orders._

_You shouldn’t have to see this, kid. I want to change your mind so bad. I’m writing this back at HQ, waiting for the doctor. Isabel and I, we got off scot-fucking-free. We’re fine. Barely even a scratch._

_Farlan lost his leg. Bitten off. We found him underneath a corpse. We nearly fucking rode past him. If he hadn’t moved, we wouldn’t have seen him and he’d have died out there alone, choking on his own blood._

_That could be you, in a few years. You or Mikasa or Armin._

_He’s in with the doctors now. It’s so weird, I’d never met one before, now I’ve had at least five tell me words like “critical condition”, “progressing infection”, and “blood loss”. He’s in there right now, I’m writing this while he’s fucking dying, Eren. I have his blood drying on my shirt. We wrapped a cape around his leg to staunch the bleeding, but he was so fucking pale. I see it every time I close my fucking eyes._

_I don’t know if he’ll pull through. I don’t know what’s going to happen. But you deserved to know, I know you care. For whatever reason. You deserve to know that it’s hell out there and that we’re losing a friend._

_By the time this letter will reach you and he’ll probably be dead. I’ll send another when I know more. Just be prepared. God knows I'm not._

_Don’t become a scout, Eren. Don’t. Please._

_\-- Levi_


	25. Chapter 25

It’s nearly impossible for Levi to let the medics take Farlan from him. Never mind that his hands are shaking too badly for him to help them, that his limbs will hardly obey him, even though he tries, even though he knows he has to, he doesn’t want to relinquish him to strangers. The doctors aren’t gentle about it, which helps. One of the medics shoves him away, and they cradle Farlan between them as they lower him from Levi’s horse. Levi lets them because he can’t do anything else. He can’t feel his legs - how fucking funny is that? He still has both and can’t feel them. Isn’t that funny?

They won’t let him into the infirmary. They sit him down with a glass of fucking water of all things, tell him he’s in shock. He doesn’t tell them to fuck off, he’s never been in shock in his life, but they still won’t let him see Farlan. They won’t tell him anything.

So he sits on one of the stupid fucking chairs in the silent fucking coridoor outside the infirmary, alone, numb, dirty. He sits, elbows braced on his knees, head in his hands, and waits. And waits. And waits. And if he stays hunched over like this for much longer he’s going to end up doing some serious long-term damage to his spine, but he can’t quite make himself straighten up. He’d try pacing if he thought that would make any difference, but after the blisteringly rough ride back from the battlefield, Levi hasn’t got the strength left in him to stand, let alone pace, so here he sits, hunched over like a fucking gargoyle, silent, unmoving, with his spine protesting like he’s thirty and not eighteen.

Honestly, he’d sit up if he could, but right now he’s battling the worst case of vertigo he’s ever experienced in his life. Not shock, the doctors don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. It’s exhaustion, physical and mental. Not even the first time he flew with the gear did he feel this dizzy. It’s like the worst case of double vision, nausea creeping up and down his throat like it’s prowling a cage, looking desperately for a way out. He’d give it one if he could, let it loose, but considering his only options seem to be either screaming or vomiting, he reckons keeping his fucking mouth shit and suffering through it is probably his best bet.

Breathing helps, a little. Each slow inhale brings with it the sharp and bitter scent of antiseptic, a smell so astringent that it’s strangely calming, and the only dirt on the worn stone flooring is from Levi’s own dirt-caked boots. He’d kill for a shower, for a fresh change of clothes, but he’s not moving from this spot until the doctor comes back.

He’s never met one before. Even when they’d visited Jan and they’d been swarming the hospital, he’d never encountered one to speak with. Now he’s had four of the fuckers talk words at him that he doesn’t understand, and judging by the way they’d quickly backed off after they’d wrestled Farlan from his grip, he assumes they have better things to do than explain medical procedures to him. Good. Means that they understand the kind of hell Levi’s going to unleash if Farlan dies in there. He’s still surprised they haven’t sedated him, honestly.

They probably don’t need to, really. For the first time in his life, Levi feels strangely calm. Despite the dizziness. He feels like he’s been on edge nearly constantly for the past… fifteen years? Can he even remember that far back? Can he even remember a time when he _wasn’t_ tense? Not really, is the fucking depressing answer, but right now reality feels like it’s happening to everyone except for Levi, which isn’t exactly unpleasant.

He just wishes his thoughts didn’t feel like they were made of razor blades. Every nudge of a recollection against his conciousness nearly makes him flinch and there’s fuck all he can do about it. His entire body feels like an exposed nerve, raw, oversensitive, but as long as he doesn’t move, he’ll be alright.

He’s not even entirely sure how he got here, to be honest. Back to HQ, not sat bowed nearly in half on the most uncomfortable chair ever created by man, he knows how he got _here_ , but the ride back is foggy, distant. It’s infuriating, having to piece the events together like a puzzle, his own recollections betraying him. He remembers… He remembers the battlefield, the sea of rain-blood-corpses strewn across the ground. He remembers Isabel screaming. He remembers holding her back while Hanji and Moblit bound Farlan’s leg. He remembers telling her… Not goodbye, exactly, but near enough.

_She screams like a banshee, kicking, clawing, biting, and Levi lets her rip gouges into the skin of his hands as he clamps arms around her, restrains her, turns her to face him._

_“Isabel.” He catches her hands as she pummels at his chest, traps them between his and refuses to let go. He shakes her by the wrists, hard, looks into her eyes though she can’t see him through her tears. “I need you to listen.” She shakes her head, sobs, tears streaking through the dirt on her face. She has Farlan’s blood on her shirt. Levi ignores all of it. Shakes her again. “Get on my horse. You get on my horse, you take Farlan, and you_ go. _You get him back behind the wall. Both of you. I’ll catch you up.”_

_Isabel heaves a shuddering breath. Levi doesn’t let go of her. “Isabel,” he says again. “Do you hear me? Calm down. Think. I need you to do this. For Farlan.”_

He remembers ripping his cravat off, remembers the abrasive sting at the back of his neck as the fabric had rubbed raw friction into his skin with the force he’d yanked it away. He remembers tilting Isabel’s face up, gently wiping away snot and tears and dirt and blood.

He remembers her smiling at him and remembers how it had hurt to see such a hollow, aggrieved facade on her usually sunny face.

_“I want to,” she finally says, shivering. She looks up at him, smiling sadly through fresh tears. Levi dabs those away too. “I want to do what you’re telling me so badly. For the first time in my life I want to do what you say.”_

_More tears spill over and Levi drops the cravat, takes hold of her shoulders instead. She shakes her head with a shuddering breath. “But I’m not strong enough to keep both of us safe.” She sobs, covering her face with blood-stained hands. “If a titan comes after us, I can’t keep Farlan and myself alive.”_

_She’s right. She’s the better rider, lighter, faster, she would get them there so much quicker than Levi would. But if he sends her away, he might as well be signing her death warrant._

_But he can’t leave her here. He can’t take Farlan and leave her behind. If he doesn’t, Farlan will die, but he can’t just abandon her._

What kind of choice is that? Choose one over the other, and no matter which one you chose, there’s still a chance the other will die anyway?

He feels the ghost of Hanji’s hand on his shoulder, hears their voice echoing in the memory. _“Take Farlan. I'll keep Isabel safe. I give you my word, I’ll protect her to my dying breath.”_

_Levi inhales deeply. He looks at Isabel, his sister, gently takes her hands in his. Streaks of Farlan’s blood still paint her pallid cheeks. He can’t wipe it all away._

_“Stay alive,” he tells her._

She’s still out there, now. He’d left her behind, hadn’t he? Of course he had, Farlan was dying - _is_ dying - just a few feet away from where Levi now sits. She might already be dead and Levi won’t know until the scouts return, whenever that will be.

He remembers now, that he’d mounted his horse, held still while Moblit used his cape to create a sort of sling to fasten Farlan’s body against Levi’s own, head cradled against Levi’s chest, so that the ride wouldn’t jostle him too badly. Hanji’s own cape had already been sacrificed to Farlan’s… To bind the wound below his knee in a vain attempt to staunch the bleeding that just wouldn’t stop no matter what.

Levi had left the three of them behind, only two horses between them, and hadn’t looked back. He’d left them amid a sea of corpses, and ridden. Farlan’s breathing had grown softer, more laboured, slower, with every mile he covered. And with each inch of ground crossed, Levi’s heart cracked just a little bit more.

Each drumming hoofbeat had hammered the same litany home, thundering inside his head on repeat and no matter what he did he couldn’t get it to stop. _Left her to die, left her to die,_ and Farlan had burned in his arms, skin blistering hot against Levi’s collarbones, through the cape and his jacket and shirt and Levi half expects to see a brand left behind when he looks down now, convinced he should be left with a scar as testament to his own failure.

He’d promised them he didn’t care how many bodies they’d need to walk over to survive. He’d promised himself from the beginning that he wouldn’t care about how many corpses he had to stand on to lead them home.

He wonders how long he’s been lying to himself. He wonders when he stopped being able to.

He’d ripped through Calaneth’s streets like a madman, as though the hounds of hell were on his heels, clamouring for his soul. People had thrown themselves out of the way of his charging horse and he hadn’t spared them a thought. He’d sped through the gate before it had even winched open halfway, hadn’t cared, couldn’t care, that they’d probably view him as a deserter. But even if they’d been able to catch him, he wouldn’t have surrendered. He’s glad the wall garrison hadn’t given chase. He doesn’t really want any more blood on his hands.

That’s where Levi’s memory fails. He doesn’t remember handing Farlan off to the few medical staff left behind, the only people left at HQ since the rest of their physicians are battlefield medics and had joined them on the expedition. He doesn’t remember a word of what the doctor had said as Farlan was carried away. And now Levi’s here, waiting. And he doesn’t know if either Isabel or Farlan will live past sundown. How is he meant to go on if they don’t?

“Don’t you fucking die,” Levi spits out, to no one. His voice is hoarse, deafening in the silent corridor. “Don’t you fucking dare, either of you.”

What the hell is he meant to tell Jan? Eren? Mikasa and Armin? The people who actually give a fuck about them, after years of no one caring whether they lived or died? How is Levi meant to face any of them, the lone survivor, and tell them the truth?

Farlan deserved a home. A garden. He’d only wanted a little fucking garden for himself. He’d have been happy anywhere, as long as he had that fucking garden. Isabel deserved sweetness and light and hope and all the shit she’d never been allowed to have. He’d wanted that for them, still does, wants it so bad he aches with it, but even he doesn’t have the strength to give it to them.

“You hold on,” Levi tells Farlan, as though he can hear, as though he’s not dying beneath a doctor’s scalpel. “I know you can hear me, you bastard. You gonna leave me to tell Isabel I couldn’t save you? Tell Jan? Tell Eren? He’s gonna kick my ass if I let you die. You gonna let that happen?”

As if any of them have any choice in the matter. As if hoping is going to get them anything except a broken heart. If hoping could get Levi what he wanted, he’d have been out of the underground by ten years old. He’d never have had to kill anyone. His mother would still be alive. But hope and dreams have no place in this fucking shithole of a world they live in, whether above or below ground. There’s no such thing as luck or good fortune for people like them.

Luck…

It’s then that Levi remembers and he reaches into his pocket with hands that are shaking so badly he can barely get the button open, but he manages, and takes the envelope out. Eren’s good luck charm. And it had worked, hadn’t it? Levi’s here. Levi’s still fucking here, alive and unharmed, but it’s not his life he was ever concerned for. But Eren had been concerned, for all of them, and the proof of it is in the envelope Levi now holds; bloodstained, torn in places, and so drenched by rainwater that the integrity of the paper has suffered. Levi cradles it as softly as his shaking hands will allow and takes an unsteady breath, carefully peeling open the fold.

The letter inside is ruined. Not entirely, but enough that the contents are nearly illegible. The blood and rain have smudged the graphite and large patches of lettering have been slopped off completely by the gore that has bled through the paper in spider webbing veins. It’s almost poetic, somehow. Levi’s gotten home alive, so he’d be permitted to read the letter, were he able. But Farlan’s dying just a few feet away and so Levi hasn’t come back _whole_. He’s lost - is in the process of losing - one of the only people he’s ever been able to love. His brother, his friend.

And Isabel’s still out there. She might be dead now, too.

A few more droplets spill onto the paper.

Levi’s hair has long since dried after the morning’s torrential rainfall.

His eyes have not.

* * *

The scouts return and Levi hears them but he can’t move. Some of them are laughing, injured and still joking among themselves. Some of them are laughing, though they lost a number Levi cannot even estimate. He hears them and hates them and crumples Eren’s ruined letter in his fist.

He doesn’t look up until a pair of dirty, pale hands reach for his. He doesn’t look up until a warm hand cups his cheek and lifts his heavy head for him and then he’s staring into wide, familiar, green, and Isabel kneels in front of him, tilts his face up, kisses his forehead. She folds herself into his leaden arms and weeps silently into his shoulder. It takes a long moment for Levi to be able to lift his arms and wrap them around her because he doesn’t _do_ this, he doesn’t _hug_ people, and the movement is unfamiliar, so much so that he hates himself for it. When was the last time he held anybody? His mom? He can’t even remember.

They say that grief changes you. The first time Levi ever lost someone, it didn’t break him so much as shift something inside him that will never align again no matter how hard he tries. The death of his mother dislodged whatever it was inside Levi that would have made him normal. He’s grateful, in a way, that he lost her so young. It was easier then, when all he had to worry about was starving. Does he miss her? Maybe. He didn’t really know her. He was six, when she died. He thinks she was warm. He thinks he remembers the sound of her light laugh, quiet and sweet. He thinks, because he doesn’t know for sure if the memories are still there. He never reaches for them, never tries to recall them, just in case he can’t. He’d rather live with the possibility that they live within him _somewhere_ than he proved wrong for certain.

Now? Well, now’s different.

He's just waiting for the news. His mom had withered and died before his eyes like a flower without water or sunlight. He’d been too young to understand. Not until she hadn’t woken up. He spent hours trying to wake her. Hours, then days. He’d been starving the whole time. When he’d been found, she’d already started to rot into the bed. Levi will never forget the stench.

His arms finally cinch around Isabel’s shaking form. Now that they’re there, he doesn’t think he’ll be able to let go again.

Then the doctor comes. She’s covered in Farlan’s blood too, just like Isabel and Levi. They’re all covered in his blood.

She tells him that Farlan is dying. In too many words, jargon Levi can’t parse, she tells them that he’s lost too much blood, that they’ve managed to staunch the worst of it, but that the titan bit him below the knee, shattered his tibia - Levi doesn’t know what that is, he assumes a bone by the word _shattered_ \- and that they had to saw off—

He stops listening then. He’s never been squeamish, but this is _Farlan_ they’re talking about.

They’re in the worst of it, the doctor says. If Farlan can make it through the next few hours, he may still live.

Levi’s ears won’t stop ringing. What the hell’s up with that? He blinks, rubbing tired eyes that won’t stop itching, prickling, and when he looks up again he’s in the mess hall, a steaming cup of tea in his hands. Hanji - where the fuck did they come from? - bends low, says something softly to Isabel. They rest a hand briefly on Levi’s shoulder, and then they’re gone.

What the fuck? He’d been outside the infirmary a fucking second ago. How the hell did he get—

“It’s not your fault.”

He looks up, giving Isabel a long look that’s mostly confusion, the rest of it exhaustion. She’s staring down into her own teacup, fingertips drifting absently over the rim of it. Her voice sounds hollow, even to Levi’s ringing ears.

“I know what you’re thinking,” she continues. “And it’s bullshit. All of it. It was all just one long string of bad luck. There’s nothing either of us could have done. You can sit there and berate yourself all you want, but you’re wrong.”

No, it’s not Levi’s fault. He didn’t send them out there to die, he didn’t summon the titans, he didn’t abandon Farlan to the fog. But he still didn’t watch as closely as he promised himself he would, didn’t do Lovoff’s job properly in the first place. There are a hundred different possibilities that would have sparked a hundred different outcomes if Levi hadn’t acted the way he’d chosen to. In all those other outcomes, maybe Farlan wouldn’t be dying.

“You’re full of shit,” Isabel tells him, rubbing a hand over her face. It’s a very strange way of kicking him while he’s down, almost funny. “I just want you to know that. You’re arrogant and you think you’re untouchable. You think you need to make all the difficult decisions alone, that everything is your responsibility. But it’s not. We didn’t have to sign up for this shit. It’s bad luck, that’s all. It’s all just bad fucking luck.”

Levi doesn’t even know what he’s supposed to say. Isabel seems to be talking at him, more than to him, and he doesn’t know if his response is even needed, if this is a conversation or if Isabel is gearing up for a tirade.

Her eyes narrow and Levi sighs inwardly. Tirade, then.

“I’m sticking around,” she says, with a sort of conviction Levi’s never heard from her. She’s stubborn, resilient, but she’s flighty and changes her mind a dozen times before ever settling on a course of action. Now she sounds… resolute. Levi glances at her, a question twisting his features. “I’m joining the scouts,” she says. “For real, for good, this time. So… Whatever happens now, this’ll probably be goodbye.”

Levi’s teacup shatters. Isabel doesn’t so much as flinch.

“Are you insane?” He asks her, voice surprisingly level, almost conversational. Which is a fat fucking red flag because Levi doesn’t _do_ conversational. And fuck the fact that they’re down a friend, because Levi’s about to cripple Isabel his goddamn self for spouting such absolute fucking _bullshit_.

“Dickhead,” she snaps, reaching over the table to take Levi’s hands into hers and pick out shards of porcelain from his palms. Each piece tugs uncomfortably as it’s plucked out, but Levi can’t feel the pain just yet. He bets it’ll sting like a motherfucker when his nerves finally catch up to him. Right now, he honestly could not give less of a shit. He keeps staring at Isabel and she keeps ignoring him.

“You know how normal kids are meant to grow up safe and happy?” She says, creating a neat little pile of shards beside Levi’s lacerated hands. “Playing in the streets, growing up to live a life with a family and ply their chosen fucking craft or whatever-the-fuck?”

Levi doesn’t answer, just stares at her, eyes boring holes into the top of her head as she bends it over his hands. She doesn’t seem fussed by his silence. She knows him too well. “I think if we sat by without fighting,” she murmurs, “then we’d be no better than the guards on the steps of the underground. Think of it. If we eradicate the titans, humanity gets to leave the walls. Everyone down there can leave. _Everyone._ I want… I want to fight for my freedom. For _their_ freedom. And if it comes to it, I’d rather die out there than in here. Don’t tell me you don’t feel the same.”

Levi doesn’t answer, which Isabel accepts. She releases his hands and he stares down at them, at the thin trails of blood seeping from tiny nicks and scrapes. He still can’t feel them. Can’t feel much of anything. He feels numb from the neck down, like he’s been submerged in icy water for too long, just barely managing to keep his head above the surface. He feels… He doesn’t know. Angry. Fucking furious, actually, but it’s contained to a low simmer for the moment. The anger’s good though, it’s burned away the fear. Anger he can use, anger will keep him moving. At least until… Well, at least until they know more.

“I’ll miss you,” Isabel says softly. “But I want you to live a good—“

“For once in your fucking life, would you shut the fuck up?” Levi barks at her. “Just stop— Stop _talking_. For five _fucking_ minutes.” Levi rips his hands out of hers, slams his palms down on the table right on top of the pile of porcelain splinters Isabel has just painstakingly removed from his hands and - bad, bad, _fuck_ that stings - makes to lunge to his feet, but Isabel stops him with an iron grip on his forearm. He scowls at her and she scowls right back. “I don’t-- Want to hear this now. I don’t want to hear this _ever_. You want to throw your life away because you and a few other brats had a bit of a tough time of it growing up? You want to die for another madman’s cause?”

“I want to fight for myself!” Isabel shouts at him. “I want what I do to _mean_ something! Levi, how fucking messed up is it that I feel like I-- Like I was _meant_ to fight the titans? I was _good_ at it. You weren’t there-- You didn’t see what happened after you took Farlan. There were dozens of them, Levi, and only three of us. And we cut through them like _paper_ ”

Levi stills at that. He looks at her and she hurries to explain, desperate to make herself heard. “Levi, it was unreal. We didn’t leave any alive. We gave the vanguard time to regroup. We _saved_ scouts that would have died. We established a forward station. We took a step in the right direction, something the scouts haven’t been able to do _ever_ And the entire time I was fighting, all I could think about was the people that died before us. We’re their _legacy_.”

Levi’s entire body flashes icy cold. Then white-hot _fury_ rushes in, burning away everything that came before.

“He got to you, didn’t he?” Levi says, deadly quiet. “While I wasn’t there. Erwin _fucking_ Smith got into your head with his brainwashing bullshit.”

“I’m not a fucking child, Levi,” Isabel snaps. “I’m not some idiot who’s entire sense of self can be overwritten by a bastard with an overinflated ego and a martyr complex. I made this decision by myself. And I don’t give a fuck what you think about it. I’m staying. You can’t change my mind.”

Yes, he can. He _will_. There’s no other option. He can’t sit here and let Isabel throw her life away. She’s barely eighteen, she doesn’t know what the fuck she’s talking about. Levi won’t let her die for anyone. Levi’s tried to hammer that concept into her thick skull for years. She’s always been the bleeding fucking heart of the group. He’s tried so hard to teach her that the only life that matters is her own. _Why_ can’t she fucking grasp such a simple fucking concept?

“Levi,” Isabel says, voice shifting from furious to pleading. Her grip on his arm softens and she moves her hand down to link her fingers through his bloody ones. “I know you’re hurting, I know you’re afraid for me, for Farlan, but…” She shakes her head. “I keep thinking about Shiganshina,” she says. “And the underground. And how there are kids who’ve lost everything, or never had it to begin with. I can’t stop thinking about the fact that the people up here are just as trapped as we were, except it’s worse for them because they don’t even know it. Ignorance isn’t always bliss, I guess. And… I don’t know. I want to do something that matters. I want to fight. I think… I think I finally understand why Eren wants to join the scouts.”

Levi doesn’t quite soften, doesn’t know how, but his shoulders dip a fraction and that’s enough. “You’re going to throw your life away.” The words come out stiff, hoarse, like the shards cutting into his palm are sitting jaggedly inside his throat instead.

“No.” Isabel shakes her head, brushes her fingers gently over Levi’s bloody left palm. “What’s life without a little danger?” She smiles mirthlessly. “Come on, Levi, what kind of lives could we live up here, knowing what we know? I’m not just talking about the titans, or the fact that we’ve killed more people than we’ve had hot meals. We’d be trading one prison for another. You want to live like that? Snap off one pair of shackles and hold out your wrists for a new pair?”

No. And even through all of this, Levi can’t stop thinking about how clean the air smelled past the walls. The fields, the sunlight. The wide open spaces untouched and abandoned, teeming with wildlife and fauna and the intoxicating potential of freedom.

Levi doesn’t want to live inside the walls. He wants to live out _there_. But there’s a sea of titans between himself and that desire. A dying brother between him and that future.

“You’re so young,” Levi says, somewhat desperately. “You could die out there. You probably will. Look what happened to Farlan.”

“Yes,” Isabel says. “And what might happen to Eren and the others, when they join. But what if fighting prevents that from happening to anyone else? How could I live with myself if I didn’t do everything I could to stop that? Can you stand there and tell me that if you could save even one kid from living another day below ground, you wouldn’t do it in a heartbeat?”

She’s always had so much faith in him. Levi doesn’t understand why. Never will.

But would he?

Yeah. _Fuck_. Yeah, he would. He’d cut off his _own_ fucking leg if it meant he could get even one person out from the underground. Maybe it’s not so difficult to understand why Isabel and Eren want to fight.

“I fucking--” He covers his face with a hand. “I fucking _hate_ \-- When did you-- _How_ did you--”

“Get so good at arguing with you?” Isabel offers. Levi grunts. “Years of practice. And I’m one of the rare few people who aren’t afraid to tell you when you’re being a daft cunt.” She snorts. “Which you are, for the record.”

Levi huffs. It’s not a laugh, but it’s not fury this time either. He doesn’t know what it is, but whatever it is, he doesn’t fucking like it. He’s got a pounding headache, his body aches all over, and he wants a shower more than he’s ever wanted anything in his life.

“Go,” Isabel says, letting go of his hand. “I’ll come get you if there’s any change. I know you probably want to be alone right now. Just don’t kill anyone on the way to the showers, alright?”

“No promises,” he mutters. “I…” He looks at her then, properly, for what feels like the first time in years. “I’m really glad you did as I fucking told you and didn’t get yourself killed.”

“Bite me,” Isabel says, flipping him off. “I keep telling you I can handle myself. Even against _you._ Now go shower, for fuck’s sake. You look like a shit took a shit on shit.”

Levi snorts. “Look who’s talking?”

“Fucking rude.” Isabel rakes a hand through her blood-matted hair. “I’m the fucking picture of beauty and don’t you fucking forget it.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Levi says, offering her a mocking version of that stupid fucking salute that the scouts just fucking adore. She pokes her tongue out at him.

He still doesn’t fucking understand. But he’ll try to. And if Isabel’s really going to join the scouts then… Fuck.

One thing at a time. Shower first. Then they can… Wait for Farlan.

Together.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i know i am the worst

Once Levi’s clean, everything feels a little more bearable, or at the very least, not quite as dire as before. He’s still got restlessness prickling under his skin, frustration and anger simmering low in his blood, but it’s far more manageable now that he’s not caked with grime and he’s about as reasonable as he’s going to get under the current circumstances. Isabel’s right where he left her, though the shattered remains of his cup are gone and Hanji’s stolen his seat, Moblit on their left, and as much as Levi’s not really feeling very sociable - when is he ever? - he doesn’t begrudge their presence if it means Isabel hadn’t had to sit alone with her thoughts while Levi was gone.

They trade off once he gets to the table, Isabel heading off to get cleaned up and Levi slipping into her vacant seat, and he’s fully expecting Hanji to let loose with the stream of bullshit he’s come to expect from them, but they’re uncharacteristically subdued, head bowed over their folded hands and glasses pushed up onto their forehead.

“I’m glad you made it back safe,” Moblit says once Levi’s settled. He doesn’t quite smile, but there’s a softness around his eyes that edges uncomfortably close to pity. It doesn’t rankle as much as Levi expected it would and he just nods, accepting the sentiment for what it is.

“Thank you for getting Isabel back unharmed,” he offers in return.

“Of course.” Moblit glances at Hanji’s folded hands and sighs softly, reaching over to grab one of their hands. It’s then that Levi notices they’ve been absently scratching thin red lines into the backs of their hands, almost unconsciously. They don’t even seem to realise they were doing it until Moblit stops them, and they shake themselves, blinking up at Levi with wide, confused eyes.

“Oh, Levi,” they say. “When did you get here?”

“Just now. You good, four-eyes?”

“Oh, absolutely not,” Hanji says, smiling widely. “I will be tomorrow, but… Well. We lost quite a few good soldiers today.”

Levi raises an eyebrow. “Didn’t seem like it bothered you all that much while you were out there.”

Hanji sniffs. “Yes, well. We compartmentalise. Out there emotions can get you killed. You learn pretty quickly to shove everything down and deal with it later, when you have time. What good is grief going to do me when I’m facing down a titan? Inconvenient, that’s what it is. So we shove it right down until the job’s done.”

Levi can’t fault their logic, as horrifically contrived as it is. It makes a twisted sort of sense that losing your head in the field would just as quickly lose you your life if you weren’t careful. Explains why Hanji hadn’t reacted as Levi’d expected them to when he’d told them of Sairam’s death.

“He was a good kid,” is all Levi can offer. “Sairam, I mean. Helped me out before. I’d’ve liked to have saved him, but his unit was already dead when we got there. We arrived just in time to see...” He trails off, aware that recounting Sairam’s grizzly fate probably isn’t the kindest thing he can do right now.

“You took down the titans that killed him, though,” Hanji says, wiping their nose on their sleeve. “That’s all we can ask for, really. I know it doesn’t seem like it to you, but the scouts know what they’re signing on for. Not at first, god, could you imagine? We’d never get a single new recruit again in our lives. No, the ones who survive their first expedition, the ones who stick around, they know what it means every time we ride out. So I know Sairam went down fighting. It’s the only comfort we get, really.”

“Doesn’t seem like much,” Levi mutters.

“No.” Hanji smiles thinly. “It doesn’t, does it? But who’ll do it if we don’t?”

Levi presses his lips together and doesn’t answer. Mainly because he doesn’t have a response to that question, but also because what he really wants to say won’t help anyone right now. He thinks they’re all mad, honestly, suicidal idiots who’ve bought into Smith’s delusion, but the kicker is that Levi’s slowly buying into it, too, and he blames Isabel for that entirely. He doesn’t want to make a decision right now, though he already knows - sickeningly - exactly what he’s going to do, but if he can get away with pretending for a little while longer that he’s not going to sign himself over to their cause, then he’s damn well going to.

If he can’t change Isabel’s mind, then at least he can stick around to make sure she doesn’t die for as long as possible. But even if he can’t change _her_ mind, there might be a chance he can change someone else’s.

“Do you have--” He makes a sign like he’s scribbling a note in mid-air, hand miming holding a pencil. “I need to write a letter.”

“I can get you some paper,” Moblit offers, getting to his feet. “Tea?”

“God, Moblit, you’re my fucking favourite,” Hanji moans. “Tea, Levi?”

He nods and Moblit heads off on his little errand run, leaving Hanji and Levi alone, the world’s most miserable duo. Their hands twitch like they want to start scratching again and, lost for how else to stop them, Levi reaches over to give the back of their left hand a sharp smack. They look up at him, wide-eyed, then offer him a slightly more genuine smile.

“Sorry.” They fold their hands into their lap below the table. “Bad habit. You ever get… Mind works too fast for you to handle?”

Weirdly, yeah. Though Levi doubts his mind works nearly as fast as theirs does. He nods anyway and Hanji’s shoulders drop a few inches in what appears to be relief. “Me, too. Always has. Ever since I was a kid. Normally I’d…” They trail off. “Well, that’s not relevant right now.”

Levi heaves a sigh and kicks their shin under the table, making them hiss. “Don’t hold back on me _now_ , glasses. This is likely going to be the only time I’m too tired to make you shut up. You should take the opportunity to talk while it’s there.”

Hanji pouts at him, hunching over in their seat to rub their leg under the table. “That _hurt.”_

“It was _meant_ to. Come on, spill it. I won’t ever offer again.”

Hanji sighs, straightening up. “I was just going to say, normally I’d barricade myself in my office and lose myself in my notes, but I try not to do that after we’ve suffered so many losses. It feels disrespectful, almost.”

“Makes sense, I guess.” Levi eyes them. “You kept talking about research. The fuck kind of shit do you even do? Can’t examine titan bits, they evaporate the minute you lop them off.”

“I know,” Hanji whines. “And Erwin still won’t let me bring back a live specimen. I’ve been hounding him for months now. No, everything we research is… Well, it’s shit, to be honest. Obviously we’re always looking to develop new weapons, but we’ve never really gotten any better than the paring blades. It all boils down to increasing survivability. Formation development, how to make resources last longer, make our gear more effective. It’s good work, but we’re so limited.”

“Sounds like the kind of shit Farlan would love,” Levi says, rubbing his temples. “He’s always been the inventive type. When I imagine the sort of shit he could get up to with time and resources, I get freaked out. He was the one who overhauled the gear we stole for traversing the underground.”

“Really?” Hanji perks up, interested. “Technically minded, is he?”

“I guess? He likes tinkering, keeping his hands busy. Likes puzzles, too. I reckon he’d be useful for whatever it is you do.”

Hanji hums. “Something to consider then.” A frustrated groan. “If only we hadn’t lost Maria. We lost so many resources. Crops, minerals, all going to waste. Since the wall fell, we’ve not been able to get the upper hand. We’re losing more and more to the titans no matter what we do.”

“The fuck did they even come from?” Levi asks, scowling.

“No one knows.” Hanji’s eyes glint worryingly. “Records from before the walls are sparse, illegal most of the time. All we know is what we’re taught in school, which doesn’t really illuminate the issue.”

Levi looks at them blankly. “And what are you taught in school?”

“Well, that--” They incline their head. “Oh, I didn’t even consider, you must have been taught differently.”

Levi considers kicking them again. “Aren’t you supposed to be smart? We don’t _have_ schools underground, four-eyes. You’re lucky if you even know how to fuckin’ read down there. All anyone down below knows about the titans is passed on through rumours.”

“Oh, sorry.” Hanji winces. “Well, mainly we’re taught that the walls went up a century ago after the titans appeared, wiping out humanity in a single siege. Where they come from we don’t know, just that there’s no life left outside, that we’re the last remnant of humanity, protected by the walls. Grim, right?”

“That can’t be true,” Levi argues. “They can’t have killed _everyone_.”

“Consider,” Hanji says, holding up a finger. “Humanity didn’t have the blades or the gear to combat the titans. All they had were short swords, spears, cannons, and if the titans appeared all at once, is it so hard to believe that they could have eradicated most life before we could even attempt to fight back?”

“It’s hard to swallow,” Levi says. “How big is the world beyond the walls meant to be, anyway? Wouldn’t that factor into it?”

“We don’t know!” Hanji cries. “That’s just it, we know _nothing!_ All records of the time before have been lost, no one remembers anything about life before. No one. Isn’t that strange?”

“Well, a hundred years is a long time,” Levi says.

“Is it?” Hanji leans forward, spreading their palms on the table. “What about fifty years ago? When there would have been people in their eighties who would have lived outside the walls?”

“Well, that’s…” Levi trails off. “Holy shit.”

“Exactly!” Hanji crows. “So why don’t we know _anything?_ ” They lower their voice then, beckoning Levi to lean closer and he does, despite his better judgement, suddenly viscerally curious. “The King himself, his line dates back to the erecting of the walls. Wouldn’t his ancestors have passed the knowledge down? His father’s father would have been alive when the walls went up. That’s two generations, Levi. Only _two_. And yet we know nothing about what lies beyond the walls? Doesn’t that _infuriate_ you? Doesn’t that feel _wrong_?”

It does. It really fucking does. More than just wrong, it reeks of something darker and deceitful. How can there not be a single person who has any knowledge of life before the walls? Underground no one gave a shit, it was just another side of a world they would never be part of, so why would they care? But now Levi’s up here he’s starting to understand that _nothing_ about their world seems right. It’s all fucking wrong, every bit of it.

“Fuck,” Levi says, sweeping hair back from his face. “You’re all fucking mad. Every single fucking one of you. But I fucking _get_ it. It really is one prison after another, isn’t it?”

Hanji nods. “Do you see now? Why we fight?”

“Yeah, and I fucking wish I didn’t. I don’t have a fucking choice now, do I?”

Hanji shakes their head. “There’s always a choice. But whether or not it’s the right one, that’s for you to decide. Could you turn your back on this? Content yourself with never learning the truth?”

Levi wrinkles his nose. _I think if we sat by without fighting, then we’d be no better than the guards on the steps of the underground._ That’s what Isabel had said. And she’s fucking right, isn’t she? How is Levi meant to pretend he doesn’t know any of this, how is he meant to pretend that there isn’t a world beyond the walls when he’s seen it with his own eyes? Well… No, he hasn’t, has he? He’s seen the abandoned plains within wall Maria, but even that had been more of the world than Levi had ever seen before. It’s not so difficult to believe there’s a larger world even than that, not when he’s seen the sky stretching further than the eye could see.

What lies beyond the horizon?

God fucking damn it.

“I hate this,” Levi snaps. “I fucking said, _one_ expedition. I fucking _said_.”

Hanji hums. “I do so love it when I’m right.”

“Fuck all the way off, four-eyes.”

Hanji cackles and the only reason Levi doesn’t strangle them with the strap of their goggles is because Moblit returns to their table before he gets the chance, tray of freshly brewed tea in hand. He’s even brought a few sheets of paper and a pencil for Levi to write on, and Levi grunts out his thanks as he takes it.

He might have made his decision, but he’s sure as hell not going to sit by and let Eren make the same one. If Levi can do anything now - and his options really are fucking limited at this point - then it’ll be that he can at least warn Eren about what’s waiting for him.

Whether or not the kid will listen to him, though… Well, Levi’s not holding out much hope.

* * *

The doctor flat-out refused to let Isabel and Levi see Farlan. He’d been about ready to raise hell about it, but when they’d calmly explained that Farlan was in an incredibly delicate state right now, and that letting them into the room would put him at high risk of further infection. It stings, but Levi has no choice but to acquiesce. He’s not going to be the thing that kills Farlan. Not when there’s still a chance he might pull through.

The scouts deal with their grief differently to how Levi’s seen people mourn before. You get used to death underground, it becomes the norm of daily life down there, and the scouts are used to it too, though on a far lower frequency. They still mourn, but in a sort of businesslike way that doesn’t even really feel like mourning. Levi doesn’t really care to join them in their grief, considering he doesn’t actually care about anyone they lost, but he’d be a monster if the number of deceased didn’t bother him.

Fifty dead. Less than half of their bodies were able to be brought back. And even more horrifically, that’s apparently _good_ for them. Before Erwin and his stupid formation, apparently their losses would have been greater. Though before Lovoff managed to cost them half their ranks, maybe fifty wouldn’t have hit so hard.

Apparently they’ll be getting a slew of new recruits by the end of the year. Third-year cadets ready to offer up their hearts or whatever the fuck the sentiment is meant to be. Levi balks internally when he hears that, realises that a year after that, Eren and his friends will be joining them. That is if the brat doesn’t listen to Levi, which he fucking knows he won’t. With any luck, Levi’ll still be kicking around when Eren does finally join, which means Levi’ll be able to read him the fucking riot act for not listening and getting the hell out of dodge when he still had the chance.

There’s not much else to do now but wait. And though he has no real reason to, Levi’s still expected Erwin to send for him, so it’s no surprise when that fucking mountain of a man comes to fetch him. Zacharias something-or-other, the one who fucking sniffs people. He doesn’t talk much, which suits Levi just fine. But there’s still the lingering bad blood between them over the fact that he _shoved Levi’s head into a fucking puddle_ and Levi’s not going to forget that in a fucking hurry.

It’s just Levi he sends for, which is fine. Isabel’s fucking exhausted and deserves some rest while she can get it, so Levi’s more than happy to see Erwin on his own. He follows Zacharias-the-sniffer to Erwin’s office, steps inside when bid to do so, and stares eyebrows down from across the desk with all the fury he has left in him.

Which is quite a lot, considering Levi hasn’t slept in over twenty-four hours.

Erwin doesn’t acknowledge him for a long moment, just continues writing whatever the fuck he needs to write that’s more important than Levi verbally excoriating him. The bastard just keeps on scribbling away, makes Levi wait while he melts a wax nugget into brass warmer, then makes him wait while he pours the hot wax onto the fold of the letter, imprinting it with a heavy-looking seal.

“You would think it would get easier,” Erwin says softly, adding the letter onto an already considerable pile of envelopes to his left. “This was the one task I didn’t want to take on when I became Commander, and now that it’s finally fallen to me, I find I hate it as much as I thought I would. More, even.” He rests a hand atop the pile of letters with a heavy sigh. “I’ve lost many siblings-in-arms over the years. It never gets easier.”

“I’m not really one for condolences,” Levi says flatly. “You’re still alive, aren’t you? That has to count for something.”

“Yes, which is why I have to do this.” Erwin gestures to the letters. “We write to the families of the fallen. Over them our sympathies and the funds their loved one would have been paid on completion of the expedition. It’s all we can offer and it isn’t much at all. Not when you consider the blood price that’s paid in exchange.”

“Am I supposed to feel bad for you?” Levi glares. “I don’t really do sympathy, either.”

“I’m not looking for sympathy,” Erwin says levelly. “I neither want nor need it. I’m simply letting you know that the fate of every one of my scouts rests heavily on my mind. I don’t take their sacrifices lightly. And I won’t take Master Church’s lightly either.” He leans back in his chair. “One expedition,” he says. “As promised. You fulfilled your end of the bargain. Now it's time for me to uphold my end.”

Levi grinds his teeth. “You say that like you don’t already know.”

Erwin inclines his head. “Know what?”

“That Isabel and I are staying.”

Erwin blinks once, long and slow. “I did not know that. When was this decided?”

“Does it fucking matter? You got what you wanted. You wormed your way inside her head and now she’s convinced that dying out there will make a difference to anyone’s life. And if she stays, I stay. So congratulations. You got two for the price of one.”

Erwin frowns and it’s honestly a bit shocking to see. What with the fact that his face is at least seventy percent eyebrow, it makes him look incredibly severe. “Are you sure?” He says and Levi hates him for it a little bit. Acting like he cares, like Levi has any fucking say in the matter. “You can still--”

“You know I fucking can’t,” Levi snaps. “Isabel’s fixed on staying, Hanji fucking got to me with their spiel about the titans. I’m here and I’m staying, so don’t pretend that this isn’t what you wanted.”

“I won’t,” Erwin says evenly. “And I won’t deny that I’m grateful. But I wish it had been under better circumstances. Flagon spoke highly of your skills.”

Levi stiffens. “He’s alive?”

Erwin meets his gaze calmly. “No. He joined up with the rest of the rear guard and assisted them after his unit was lost to the fog. He had nothing but praise for your skills, though. Unfortunately the rear guard was all but wiped out before they could rendezvous with us.” Erwin sighs. “I understand you encountered quite a few abnormals during your first expedition. Hard luck. And I mean that sincerely.

Son of a bitch. “So what now, then? You lost twenty percent of your ranks today. The next expedition might not be so lucky.”

“No, it won’t,” Erwin says unhappily. “But don’t concern yourself with that. I have a trick or two up my sleeve. Lovoff dealt us a harsher blow than he realised, but what’s done is done. All that matters now is preparing for our next expedition. And I can’t deny that I’m pleased to know I can count on Miss Magnolia and yourself to assist us. I’m fully prepared to honour our bargain on Master Church’s behalf, at the very least.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning that, should he recover - and I sincerely hope he does - he will be well cared for. A stipend to live on, a home. I think he’s earned it, don’t you?”

“You don’t know shit about him,” Levi snaps. “Don’t sit there and act like you give a fuck. It would have been better for you if he’d died. At least then he wouldn’t be a drain on your resources. You don’t have to do shit for him, stop acting like you owe us.”

Erwin doesn’t so much as blink at the vitriol in Levi’s tone. “Weren’t you the one who told me I would regret it if I reneged on our deal? You’re rather good at sending mixed messages… May I call you Levi? Will you forgive the informality? I wasn’t informed as to whether or not you had a last name.”

“The fuck does that matter?” Levi snaps. “None of it fucking matters. Farlan’s not going to last the night. You won’t have to do shit.”

“Fatalism doesn’t suit you, Levi,” Erwin says calmly. “You might like to appear pessimistic, but I think there’s something inside you that is screaming out for a shred of hope to hold onto. Would you give up on Farlan so easily? He might yet make it. People have survived worse.”

“I don’t care about other people. I don’t know how to make you understand that.”

“I might,” Erwin allows, “if I didn’t believe that the weight of our losses is dragging you down, too. I would believe that you didn’t care if you hadn’t pledged to join our ranks without a single word of encouragement from myself. You made that decision by yourself. With a little help from Miss Magnolia, I assume.”

Levi snorts. “Yeah. You really got to her with your whole freedom speech.”

“It wasn’t just a speech, Levi. I was merely stating the fact that we are forced to live with. I will do anything to free humanity from the confines of the walls. If I could do it alone, I would. But we need the scouts to do it. And the scouts need you.”

“You don’t have to convince me,” Levi mutters. “I already said I’m staying.”

“And I’m grateful.” Erwin smiles. “For whatever your reasons may be, you’ve offered us your assistance. That’s all I could have hoped for. Now, please. Rest. And know that I will be hoping for your friend’s rapid recovery. If there is anything we can do, trust that we will do it. You may resent us, but we look after our own.”

Levi shakes his head. “You really believe all the shit that comes out of your mouth don’t you? I figured you must just be full of it, but no. You really do believe all of it. Anyone ever tell you you’re too honest?”

“Not once in my life,” Erwin says, smiling. “I am honest, to a point. I’m not beyond lying to achieve my goals, Levi. But we catch more flies with honey, as the saying goes. I don’t stand to gain anything from lying to you.”

“Not yet.”

“No, not yet.”

Levi inhales slowly. “Am I dismissed?”

“Yes. Thank you for speaking with me. It was enlightening.”

Fucking hell, he really is something else. No matter what angle Levi tries to inspect him from, he can’t see anything other than a masterful manipulator with a moral compass that points in every direction all at once. He can’t get a read on Smith, no matter how hard he tries, and he’s starting to believe that trying will drive him insane before he gets any sort of real answer. Maybe in time Levi will be able to suss him out, but right now, Levi’s content to let the chips fall where they may.

That, and if he doesn’t get some sleep soon, he’s going to literally fucking die, and then where would they be?

He gets back to their quarters without passing out in the corridor, thank god. Isabel’s still unconscious when he gets back, curled up in a tight ball underneath her blanket and snoring like a beast. Levi pats the lump in the blankets that looks like a shoulder and her snores stutter briefly before resuming. He smiles faintly and retreats to his own bunk, studiously ignoring the empty bunk that belongs to Farlan.

He lights a candle and undresses for bed, sitting up against the wall at the head of the bed for a long moment, suddenly unable to settle down. He’s beyond exhausted, but his mind just won’t settle, which is the worst sort of torment. Levi’s always suffered with insomnia, but this is different somehow. Like his mind is just refusing to let his body rest.

Like he’s punishing himself however he can.

Well, whatever. He can handle a few more hours. He’ll end up passing out eventually, no point trying to force it.

On a whim he fetches his ruined jacket, not yet banished to the laundry room because Levi honestly doesn’t know if it can be salvaged. He ignores it for now in favour of digging Eren’s crumpled letter out of the pocket. It’s still ruined, hasn’t miraculously repaired itself now that Levi actually has the time to inspect it, and even though he knows it’s a lost cause, he can’t help smoothing it out with painstaking care and holding it up to the candle anyway.

Only a few words on each line can be made out, no matter how hard Levi squints at it. The blood and rain wiped away most of the letters, and though Eren’s handwriting is surprisingly neat, the scant words left behind aren’t anything close to legible.

_vi,_ the letter begins.

_I don’t really I know t ’m afraid for you, and I know I’m that, but it’s the truth. I k u’re e most experien o worry._   
_r safe return and y by the time you read this, gotten back safe and be on your way to your new life. I really hope you get that. You guys deserve it more than most._   
  
_Write when you et about us! We’ll all be rooting for yo ere, waiting to hear abo t to hear about how Jan and Farlan’s reunion goes. I bet it was disgusting a m that, but secretly reall them._

_Yeah, I kno ctly what you’ll do, ‘t fool me!_   
  
_Listen. There's g I want to tell you, but I n person. So you better hav safe and you ding t o! You promi y guarantee, okay? You have to get b ut the onl et to tell you t l you that I want to ve you._   
  
_I’ll be hopin afe return, okay?_   
  
_\- Eren._

Absolute nonsense and Levi’s beyond bitter that he can’t parse what the hell Eren was trying to say. He can glean the wishes for their safe return, doesn’t begrudge the kid his naive hopes, is grateful all the same, even though it all went so wrong. But it feels like something’s missing, wiped away by the rain and blood, something important that Eren wants Levi to know.

Levi will write to him again, once he knows what the future holds for Farlan. He wants to write to Eren anyway, weirdly, but right now he has nothing to say. Less so than usual. Until he has something concrete to offer, he’s better off staying silent.

Maybe if… Maybe if once things are calm again, Levi will get the opportunity to ask Eren what the fuck the letter was meant to say.

Something to hold out for, at least until Levi can see him again. When Levi can stand in front of him and physically shake him until he agrees that joining the scouts is a terrible fucking idea.

_Please_ let Levi have changed his mind. He has to have been able to save _somebody._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuckin’ coding that letter to look “stylistically” unreadable on both desktop and mobile was HELL. i could have just not done it but i wanted to give you SOMETHING
> 
> look, i know you want to know what the letter really says. so does Levi! but it’s a surprise tool that will help us later.
> 
> trust me, okay?
> 
> love u


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOF sorry, i totally meant to get this chapter out sooner but i spent the entire day playing animal crossing. MY B <3

Levi’s letter gets sent off with the courier on Wednesday morning, four days after their return from the expedition. He’d meant to send it sooner, but he’d been putting it off in the hopes he’d have better news to send, but the doctors have nothing good to tell them, so Levi gave up on that foolish hope long after he should have and ends up sending it off with the next available courier, who visits every other Wednesday to take letters to the sorting office in Trost for distribution. Levi learns this after asking Hanji the innocuous question of “when does the mail get picked up” and had been treated to a forty-five minute long explanation on the subject.

Who the hell has that much to say on the topic of _mail?_

Hanji, that’s who. And Levi’s long past the point of pretending that their talkative nature bothers him. It still annoys him, as it does when anyone in his vicinity gets overly chatty, but Hanji gets special dispensation because right now, they’re Levi’s best bet for any kind of distraction.

With Flagon dead, Hanji has apparently stepped up and begged Erwin to let them take Isabel and Levi under their wing as their new section commander. They still have a few days before they’ll be expected to join rank properly, Erwin having given them a few days of what he’d called “compassionate leave”, which is a nice enough sentiment, but it means Levi’s suddenly got a surplus of free time and nothing to fill it with, which means he has plenty of time to ruminate on the fact that he isn’t dreading joining the scouts permanently as much as he thought he would. The idea of getting back to some form of work, keeping himself busy, is an attractive one, and the fact that he’ll be under a commander he doesn’t actively despise makes a nice change. Out of all the scouts, he probably trusts Hanji the most. Mainly because they can’t keep their fucking mouth shut for more than thirty seconds at a time, so Levi’s pretty confident lying isn’t something they know how to do. He also trusts that if they ever have to make a tough call, it’ll be one Levi won’t have to fight against.

He doesn’t doubt that they’ll be able to settle into the scout regiment with little issue. Actually, he’s rather surprised at how easy it is to fall into their established patterns. Rise at sunrise - a fucking novelty after over a year of Shadis’ pre-dawn wake up calls - then breakfast, then light training, then dinner. They get more downtime than Levi was expecting, which isn’t surprising now that he knows the frequency of their expeditions is monthly, but he was expecting Shadis’ command structure to have endured after he left to train the cadets. For all his… Levi doesn’t really know how to describe him, still, but Erwin could not be more different from Shadis if he tried. And even more surprisingly, though Erwin does spend most of his time in his office, pouring over whatever the hell kinds of paperwork he has to do, he can often be seen among the scouts, a comrade rather than a superior.

He gives Levi a wide berth for the moment, which suits Levi just fine, but he has this habit of _staring_ whenever he and Levi do happen to cross paths in the castle. Equal parts intrigue and scrutiny which Levi doesn’t care for in the slightest, but he can kind of understand where it’s coming from. Erwin strikes him as the kind of man who likes to know every little thing about everyone, so he knows exactly what cards he holds and when to play them. He probably considers Levi and Isabel as aces up his sleeve to play when it suits him, which rankles a little because the last thing Levi ever wants to be to anyone is a tool, but he can’t really say shit, given that he’s decided to throw his lot in with the scouts anyway.

One frustrating thing about the downtime is that Levi’s hands seem to have developed some kind of weird tremor. It’s not concerning enough for him to bother the medics about, just kind of irritating once he notices it. It’s only mild; causes his fingers to twitch unsteadily when he’s not holding anything, and it’s only when Isabel complains of the same thing that Levi understands what it is.

 _Trauma response,_ Hanji calls it with a knowing nod. Levi dislikes the term intensely. He’s not the kind of person who gets _traumatised,_ so at first he thinks they’re full of shit, but when one of the scouts had set off a flare gun by accident when a group of them were unloading Tuesday’s scheduled supplies from the delivery wagon, Levi’s entire body had stiffened, a wave of adrenaline sharpening his focus on enemies that weren’t even there.

He hadn’t thought much of it at the time, while they’d been out there actually fighting for their lives, but facing down titans has still left its mark on both of them, it seems. Even though they’re behind the walls, safe enough, they can’t rid themselves of the memories of hungry eyes and tombstone teeth. Levi’s beyond being bothered by nightmares, sleeps little enough that they don’t tend to bother him, but Isabel’s getting a crash course in insomnia and she’s incredibly vocal about her distaste for it. Levi doesn’t blame her, but he knows she’ll get used to it soon enough. They aren’t the only ones to have been affected by the expedition. Levi gets used to seeing scouts milling around the castle at all hours of the day and night, all of them equally unable to rest through nightmares created by memories that are very, very real.

It’s fucking unbearable, honestly. The fact that one single ride out past wall Rose has been enough to leave a scar on Levi that he can neither see nor heal. His body might be unmarked, but his mind is not, and he has no fucking idea how to cope with that. So he doesn’t. Locks that and everything to do with it inside that part of his mind containing other memories he doesn’t ever want to recall, and refuses point-blank to address it.

It goes without saying, though, that the main reason Levi hates the downtime he’s been given is because they’re still not allowed to see Farlan. Not while he’s still running a horrifically high fever, and there isn’t much point in anyone even being in the room since the doctors have him sedated. To their credit, they do try to explain Farlan’s treatment to him, but Levi’s beyond exhausted and has no mind for medical jargon, so most of what they say goes in one ear and out the other.

The important parts sink in, though. Words like infection and sepsis, which Levi knows already, and words like coma and haemorrhaging, which he doesn’t. The coma doesn’t sound too bad, though. It’s the doctors’ way of protecting Farlan’s mind and body while they try to clear up the infection, but the longer they keep him under, the less chance he has of waking up again. It doesn’t really matter, though. Levi’s made his peace with the fact that the next time he sees Farlan, it’ll most likely be to pay his final respects. He’d still like the chance to say goodbye, though, if he can even get that much.

It’s the longest they’ve ever gone without seeing Farlan and his absence is starting to wear on them aggressively. It’s not that Levi and Isabel don’t get on - of course they do, they’re _family_ \- it’s just that Farlan’s presence has always acted as a counterpoint to both of their personalities; a happy medium that helped them tick over without issue. Isabel’s cheery, outgoing, and tends to speak without thinking. Levi is… Well, by his own admission, a bit of a moody fucker, so he’s Isabel’s complete opposite in nearly every way. Without Farlan’s easy-going nature acting as the median between their diametrical personalities, they rub together with more friction than they’re used to.

It means his absence is felt all the more keenly. Levi can hardly stand it. He doesn’t want to be angry at Isabel, not now of all times, but she’s really starting to push his buttons, especially now that her backbone has properly grown in and she’s not scared of Levi in the slightest anymore. He’d respect it in any other situation, understand that after facing down a titan there wouldn’t really be anything that could frighten her anymore, but she used to _respect_ Levi, at least a little. She used to listen to him, look up at him with eyes that sparkled with something like awe and, okay yeah, Levi got used to the admiration, definitely used it on more than one occasion to get her to do as she was damn well told, but now she’s _taller_ than him and has learned how to argue, so Levi doesn’t really know how to deal with that.

That, and she’d gotten so pissed at him this morning that she’d _bitten_ him. Which is why Hanji now has them both working in opposite ends of the castle. They hadn’t called it a time-out, but that’s exactly what it is. Makes no difference to Levi, though, because Hanji’s gotten the on-duty scouts to help get the castle back into respectable and livable conditions, so every inch of the rundown HQ is getting a thorough going over with mops and brooms and feather dusters. Levi can’t really complain about that.

But did Isabel have to bite so _hard?_

He hopes she’ll have cooled down somewhat by dinner. He really doesn’t have the energy to fight with her, not now, and he’d much rather have them at peace than at each other’s throats, even if it does offer some sort of distraction. As much as Levi’s never been one to talk about feelings or any of that shit, it’s much nicer to sit in sullen silence with Isabel as company than to brood over worst-case scenarios on his own.

He’s trying not to do that now, trying instead to focus on a particularly stubborn stain on the flagstones in one of the old storage rooms, but no matter how hard he scrubs it just won’t come off. He’s been on his knees for the past hour trying to shift it, and he would probably have more luck with the walls were he to turn his attention to them, but he’s _determined_ now, and one stubborn stain is no match for--

“Um, hello?” A knock on the open door has him looking up, blowing his bangs out of his eyes. There’s a scout standing there, a young woman he doesn’t recognise, with strawberry blonde hair and light brown eyes. She smiles kindly at him when he looks up and sits back on his heels, wiping sweat off his brown with the back of his hand. “Sorry to interrupt, but I was told to come fetch you.”

“Sure,” Levi grunts, tossing his brush into the waiting bucket of soapy water. He has _not_ been defeated, he _will_ come back and rain hell down on this stain. One way or another he _will_ shift it. “By who?”

“Um, doctor Mariska.”

Levi’s on his feet in an instant. “She say why?”

The scout shakes her head. “No, but she’s sent for Isabel, too, so I would assume whatever she wants to say is important if she wants both of you there.”

Levi’s insides do something extraordinarily unpleasant. “Thanks. I know the way.”

The girl nods, steps back to let him pass. “I hope your friend will be okay,” she offers as he moves by her. He glances her way, hesitating for a moment.

“Thanks…?” He trails off, waiting impatiently for her to offer her name, which she does with another kind smile, the type that doesn’t belong on a scout who’s been past the walls.

“Petra,” she says. “Petra Ral.”

Levi nods at her. “Then thanks, Petra Ral.” He doesn’t waste any more time on pleasantries and sprints down the hall, skidding on flagstones that are still drying from the afternoon’s deep clean. He nearly tackles several other scouts who don’t get out of the way fast enough, but he has good enough reflexes to dodge without body-slamming any unsuspecting soldiers and causing any more damage.

He forces his thoughts away the entire sprint to the infirmary, refusing to let the worst of them through, fighting them off with all the strength left in him. He won’t let himself assume the worst, but he won’t hope for the best either. He won’t let himself think _anything_ until he’s spoken to the doctor. He doesn’t know if he can handle to have his hopes dashed again.

Isabel’s already there when he skids to a stop outside the infirmary and she lunges for him the moment he’s near enough to reach, clasping his arm with panicked force. Their spat from the morning is long forgotten and they steel themselves as one before Levi pushes the infirmary door open.

“Oh, you’re here,” Mariska says, looking up from her workspace. It’s almost as overladen as Hanji’s, but in far better order. She stands as they enter, beckoning them closer as she tidies files away. “Good. I probably should have told you earlier, but I didn’t want to get your hopes up unnecessarily. Farlan’s fever broke early this morning. We’ve been monitoring him closely all day and it seems like he’s over the worst of the infection.”

Isabel’s grip tightens on Levi’s arm, almost tightly enough to make him wince. “What does that mean?” She demands. “That’s good, isn’t it? Does it mean he’ll wake up soon?”

Mariska rounds her desk, holding up a hand. “One thing at a time. I know you want to see him, but these things mustn’t be rushed. Your friend is recovering from an amputation which has low survivability even in sterile conditions. Losing his leg in the field let a whole mess of bacteria into his body. With his immune system already compromised, you understand that we couldn’t let you in out of a desire to prevent further infection. Not while his condition was so precarious.”

“And now?” Levi asks. “His fever broke, you said. How long will it be before you try waking him up?”

“Ideally, we would keep him sedated until his wound has finished draining,” Mariska says and Isabel makes a vaguely nauseated sound. “The longer he’s unconscious, the less likely his body is to go into shock. Aside from the physical strain, the tax on the mind following an amputation is a heavy one. Sedation is usually the best course of action in these circumstances. We would gradually lower the dosage of opiates he is being given until he came round naturally.”

“You’re talking about this very hypothetically,” Levi says, eyes narrowing. “What aren’t you telling us?”

Mariska gives him a long once-over before smiling softly. “It seems Master Church is just as eager to see you as you are to see him. He woke up just over an hour ago. He’s asking for you.”

Isabel’s legs give out. Levi only has about a second and a half of warning before she sags like a sack of stones. He catches her before she can hit the floor, an arm tight around her waist to support her.

“He’s okay,” Isabel whispers, tears already steaming down her cheeks. “Oh, my god, he’s okay.”

“He is,” Mariska says with a nod. “If you’d like to follow me, we’ll get you scrubbed up and you can see him. Your friend is remarkably resilient, I have to say.”

Levi swallows, mind exceptionally blank for once, and follows the doctor as she leads the two of them into a little side room equipped with a wash basin filled with hot water. She observes them as they clean up, offers them pure alcohol to rub into their hands and cloth coverings to go over their noses and mouths.

“I know you’ll want to, but please don’t hug him,” Mariska says. “Aside from the fact that he’s very weak, we want to prevent contagion of any bacteria, especially when he’s doing so well. You can hold his hand, but no more than that.”

Levi nods, thanks her, and she lets them into Farlan’s room.

White, is the first word that springs to mind. White curtains, white walls, marble floors. There are several beds in the sick room, all of them empty save Farlan’s and one at the far end that has drapes drawn around it. The infirmary has several rooms like this, Levi has come to know, but this one is for the sickest, the ones with the worst injuries and the least chance of survival. It stinks of antiseptic, the pungent scent of pure alcohol and blood, but the covering over Levi’s face helps filter out the worst of it. He doesn’t mind it so much. Aside from the blood, it smells clean and Levi can’t complain about that.

He can’t complain about shit, actually, because there’s Farlan, propped up slightly on several pillows, bruised and bandaged but alive. His eyes are half-lidded and dulled by sedatives, but the moment he sees them a sleepy grin stretches across his face and he raises a hand in a limp wave.

“Was wonderin’ where you’d got to,” he slurs at them. “Took y’r fuckin’ time.”

Isabel sobs, tearing away from Levi to rush to Farlan’s bedside. She doesn’t hug him, no matter how much she may want to, just catches his raised hand in hers, clutching it tight to her chest. It takes a long moment for Levi to remember how to make his legs work, but he manages it, shuffling round to Farlan’s other side. He stands there for a long moment, eyes sweeping over every inch of Farlan’s bruised face, and wishes that he could do what Isabel can and reach for Farlan’s other hand. No matter how much he wants to, he can’t make himself do it.

“I’m so glad to see you,” Isabel weeps, pressing a kiss to Farlan’s palm, or she tries to - the mask is in the way. “We were so worried.”

“Take more’n a titan to kill me,” Farlan murmurs, reaching over with his free hand to ruffle Isabel’s hair. It looks like the movement takes a lot out of him, but he looks pleased when Isabel hiccups a tearful laugh. “Tha’s my girl.” His eyes swivel to Levi. “You look like shit.”

“Look who’s talking,” Levi murmurs, gazing at his friend with a sort of detached disbelief. If he weren’t so badly bruised - faced mottled with purple and yellow and black - he’d have a hard time believing this was the same person who’s near-corpse he’d brought back from the battlefield. It doesn’t feel real. It feels… Levi swallows hard. “You had us going for a minute there.”

“Levi’s been beside himself,” Isabel says, eyes flashing. “Don’t let him give you any shit, Farlan, he was even more worried than I was. Not that he ever _shows_ it.”

“Ah, yes,” Levi intones, deadpan. “A lecture on healthy emotional coping mechanisms coming from the woman who _bit_ me this morning.”

Isabel pokes her tongue out at him. At least he assumes she does, given how her mask moves. “You were being a dickhead.”

Farlan’s sleepy smile widens. “Were you worried ‘bout me?”

Levi fixes him with a hard stare. “Fucking terrified.”

“Oh.” Farlan blinks, long and slow. “Huh.”

It feels weird to admit it, but how can Levi lie and say that he wasn’t when Farlan’s wellbeing has been the only thing on Levi’s mind since the expedition? All those hours of waiting and worrying himself nearly sick about it, no matter how much he’d like to pretend otherwise?

Trying to keep himself together, Levi jabs Farlan in the arm. Lightly. “And you’re welcome, by the way. I had to haul your crippled ass for miles back to the walls.”

Farlan snorts. “Thanks. Bit of symp’thy would be nice. I’m missin’ a leg here, man.”

“Yeah, I noticed. Didn’t fucking make you any lighter when I was dragging your ass back here, though.”

“I’m so glad nothin’s changed,” Farlan says with a faint laugh. It tapers off as he looks back to Levi. “How bad was it? Doc said the obvious, but she wouldn’t go into much detail.”

“Fucking grim,” Levi says honestly. “You ran a fever for like four days and your leg went septic. More than that, I don’t know. The doctors do like to chat shit at you that you have no possible hope of understanding. They said something about mould, too, and I got too nauseous to listen to more.”

“Antibiotics,” Isabel supplies. “See? _I_ listen when the doctors talk to me. They make it from mould cultures, it’s really interesting.”

“It’s not interesting, it’s gross,” Levi says with feeling.

“Agreed.” Farlan makes a thoughtful sound. “They say what they did to my leg?”

Levi raises an eyebrow. “Other than remove it?”

“Har har.”

Levi snorts. “No, not much. Something about taking the joint out. You got bitten like halfway down your shin, so they had to saw a bit off so they could sew your skin over it.” Levi wrinkles his nose. “That’s about when I stopped listening.”

“Don’t blame you,” Farlan mumbles. “So weird. I can still…” He trails off, twitching his left leg - what’s left of it - under the blanket. Even from where Levi’s standing it looks off, stops too far up the bed, and part of him sort of wants to rip the blanket back to get a proper look, but he’s fully aware how horrific that would be.

Farlan has no such qualms, has always been the most inquisitive of them all, and he grips the blanket in one hand, tugging the thick covering back. Even Isabel can’t stop herself from leaning forward to get a better look. There’s something really wrong with all of them.

“Holy shit,” Farlan says, sounding bizarrely close to laughter. He leans up as much as he’s able, grunting all the while, and curls a hand over the end of his leg, where there are thick bandages wrapped tightly from thigh downwards. The bandages are clean, which is a very good sign, but there’s a length of tubing protruding from beneath the bandages that’s filled with a sort of reddish-brown fluid that Levi definitely doesn’t want to know about, draining into a bucket tucked beneath the bed.

“Weird,” Farlan murmurs, rubbing the bandages. He pauses, then snickers childishly. “I can’t believe me ‘n Jan are only gonna have two working legs between us.”

Levi snorts. “You’re perfect for each other.” That’s a point, though, Levi’s going to have to get word to Jan somehow. A letter seems horrifically unfair, though he doesn’t really have any other options. He doesn’t think Erwin will take kindly to Levi asking for more time off to take a trip into the interior to pass on a message himself. And saying that, Levi has another letter to send. One containing news he hadn’t really believed he’d get to pass on.

“You okay, man?” Farlan asks, reaching a hand out to tug weakly on Levi’s sleeve.

“Me?” Levi gives him a disbelieving look. “You’re the one in the sickbed, idiot.”

“I’ve been unconscious,” Farlan points out. “You two got the much shorter end of the stick.”

“Says the guy with one leg.”

“I’m working through it,” Farlan says, shrugging one shoulder. “No doubt it’ll hit me once the drugs wear off.” He lowers his voice conspiratorially. “You know they use opium? You remember how much that shit went for underground? And they just give it away up here?”

“That’s what it’s _for_ , moron,” Levi tells him. “It’s medicine.”

“It’s good shit is what it is!” Farlan grins blearily. “Makes everything a little more bearable.”

Levi definitely won’t begrudge him his medically-appropriate high if it helps him. He doesn’t really want to think about how badly Farlan’s mental state is going to plummet once he’s properly conscious and has to deal with the aftermath of the expedition properly. He also doesn’t think Farlan’s going to take kindly to the fact that Isabel and Levi are now officially scouts.

It’s too much to dump on him now, though, so Levi will omit those details until the timing is more appropriate.

“Rest,” Levi tells him as Farlan’s eyelids start to droop. “We’ll come back later.”

“‘M’kay,” Farlan slurs, eyes slipping closed. “Glad you… came t’ see me… Glad you’re… ‘kay…”

“Idiot,” Levi says, unbearably fond. “We’re glad you’re okay, too.”

Farlan’s only response is a deep, obnoxiously loud snore. Isabel and Levi slip quietly from the room, divest themselves of their facial coverings and scrub down with the rubbing alcohol and leave the infirmary almost as though in a daze. Isabel looks to Levi once they’re outside, expression unreadable, and Levi heaves a put-upon sigh, yanking her close by the shoulder of her shirt, tucking her under his arm.

“I feel awful,” she says, shoving her face into his shoulder, fisting a hand into the front is his jacket. “I hoped he would pull through but I think I’d convinced myself that…”

“Me, too,” Levi says gruffly. “But it’s… good to be wrong.”

Isabel nods, tightening her grip on his clothing. “He’s going to be okay.”

“Yeah.”

“Not right away. But soon.”

“Yeah.”

“He’s _alive_.”

Levi inhales deeply, closing his eyes and letting the reality of the situation sink in. Rather than dread, grief, a warm sensation seems to radiate from his stomach, all the way to the tips of his fingers, washing away the ice in his bones that he hasn’t been able to shift since that chill fog had crept in and stolen Farlan from them.

“Yeah,” Levi says, opening his eyes and allowing himself a small smile. “He’s alive.”

* * *

Now that Farlan’s over the worst of the infection and fever, his condition improves significantly with each passing day. By day two he’s able to sit up unaided and stomach food and drink, though the doctor keeps him on liquids exclusively while his mobility is impeded. When Isabel asks how he’s handling going to the bathroom, Farlan explains, face pale, exactly what a catheter is and how it works and Levi very nearly has to leave the room, body tensing up so badly with sympathetic aversion to the concept that he could literally have shit out a diamond.

Farlan’s awareness creeps back in more, too. By day three the only medications the doctors have him on are pain killers, no longer the strong sedatives from before, but even that is enough to numb his senses more than he’d like. He tends to drift in and out, concentration wavering, but he’s a lot more alert than he was on that first day. His progress is reassuring regardless, and barring any setbacks he’ll be able to start physical therapy within a week.

Erwin makes an appearance the day before Isabel and Levi are meant to shift into active duty, with a thick envelope with Farlan’s name on it. It turns out to contain his payment for the expedition, plus what Erwin calls “discretionary funds” following his dismissal from the corps.

“I needed to uphold my end of the bargain,” is all he says, not even glancing in Levi’s direction. “There should be enough in there to assist you in finding your own lodgings when you’re well enough. Of course we won’t just turf you out while you’re still in recovery.”

They don’t really talk about Farlan’s injury beyond the abstract. Levi doesn’t want to bring it up, not while he’s unsure how Farlan’s dealing with it, and even Isabel is careful not to accidentally say the wrong thing. They gloss over it whenever it comes up, carefully redirecting the conversation, just like they do whenever the topic of Levi and Isabel’s new career choices comes up.

Farlan’s always been scarily perceptive, though. He cottons on far more quickly than Levi expected, and though his expression pinches with displeasure, he doesn’t comment. Levi appreciates that. He’s only just recently come around to the idea for himself, he really doesn’t want to have to justify it to anybody else. Not yet.

“You two better come visit,” Farlan says. “I don’t care what happens, dinner at my place every Sunday. Once I have a place, I mean. Shit, I don’t even know what I’m gonna do now.”

“Don’t worry about that right now,” Isabel soothes, patting his hand. “We’ll help, of course. But for now just focus on getting better.”

“It’s not really something I can ignore, Isa,” Farlan says testily. “It’s the rest of my life. I need to know what I’m going to do with it.” He sinks back into his pillows, pushing a hand through his hair. “I’m still reeling about the fact that I _get_ a life. I really thought I’d… Well, I didn’t think I’d be coming back.”

“One thing at a time,” Levi says quietly. Farlan sighs but nods all the same.

The only other visitor Farlan gets is Hanji, who’s the first of them to address the elephant in the room. It’s refreshing, in a way, that they don’t dance around heavy topics and instead just crash right into them, and it’s probably that reason that stops Farlan from getting irritated about their lack of tact. He’s too blindsided to be offended when they ask if they can take measurements of his injured leg, whipping out a measuring tape to illustrate their point.

“Lovely,” Hanji says when they’re done. “Give me a week, maybe two. I’ll have something special for you.”

“Uh?” Farlan says. “I’m terrified?”

“Oh, shush,” Hanji says, patting his cheek. “I’ve made prosthetics for lesser soldiers than you. Granted not a lot of them lived through the amputation to use them, but I like to focus on the positives.”

“What the fuck,” Levi asks for the three of them, bewildered as they are, “is a prosthetic?”

Hanji taps their nose, winking. “Wait and see!” They turn to Farlan with a thoughtful expression. “I’m guessing that even though your dear friends here have likely told you not to at least a hundred times, you’re panicking about what comes after you’re healed?”

Farlan grimaces. “Kind of hard not to considering I can’t fucking walk anymore.”

“I told you to give me a week,” Hanji chides him. “Be patient, these things take time. But that’s not what I’m getting at. Our Levi here tells me you like to tinker?”

“Oh.” Farlan shrugs. “Yeah, when I have the time and the materials. Can’t get shit underground, really, so mostly I’d just work on our gear when I could get ahold of anything.”

“Works for me!” Hanji grins. “I’ll make you a deal. Keep your chin up, listen to the good Doctor Mariska, and do your physical therapy like a good boy. If you do that, I’ll come see you and we can talk job opportunities.”

Farlan stares at them. “For real?”

Hanji beams. “For really real. Be good, okay? I’ll see you in a week or three.”

“You said a week or two earlier,” Isabel points out.

“You can’t rush science, my darling Isabel.” Hanji blows them a kiss and skitters out the door, leaving all three of them much more confused than when they walked in.

“I will never understand them,” Isabel says, shaking her head. “Do _you_ know what a prosthetic is?”

“Never heard of it,” Levi says. “Sounds painful.”

“Right?”

Farlan groans and falls back against his pillows. “How is lying in a bed all day so exhausting? I’m going insane in here. There aren’t any windows or anything.”

“I’ll bring you a book next time I visit,” Levi says. “Any preference?”

“Hmm, something good.”

“Wow, that’s so helpful and not vague at all. Good job.”

Farlan snickers. “I don’t know, your taste in books has always been shit. Pick anything, though, I really don’t care. I’m going out of my mind staring at the walls. I’m sure I’ll change my mind as soon as the doc starts my therapy, but right now I genuinely feel like I’m losing it.”

“Oh!” Isabel says, perking up. “Talking about reading, Levi, did you get a chance to read the letter Eren sent to you?”

“Mm,” Levi grunts. “Rain drenched it. Couldn’t make head nor tails of it.”

“Oh,” Isabel says, visibly deflating. “That’s so disappointing.”

“Yeah, you’re telling me.” Levi sighs, a sharp exhale through his nose. “Sounded like there’s something he wanted to tell me, though. That’s pretty much all I got from it.”

“Do you have it?” Farlan asks, suddenly interested. “I could probably decipher some of it.”

Levi hesitates before shrugging. “Knock yourself out.” He digs into his pocket for it, thankful when neither of them give him shit for carrying it on him. Eren had called it a good luck charm after all, and though Farlan definitely could have used more luck than he got, they still all got back alive, though not unharmed. That has to count for something and, though Levi’s never been superstitious, he’s definitely not leaving anything to chance where the titans are concerned.

“Yikes,” Farlan says, taking the letter from Levi with careful fingers. “You weren’t kidding.” He gently unfolds it, smoothing it open against the thigh of his uninjured leg. “Okay, let’s see…” He traces a finger over the words that have been left behind, the words that the blood and rain hadn’t managed to wash away. “Oh, he’s such a good kid.” He smiles fondly. “Did you tell him?”

“Yeah. Hasn’t written back yet, though. Not sure how long it’ll take for the letter to actually arrive, but I’ve sent another telling him that you’re not dead. Unfortunately.”

“Bite me,” Farlan says with a grin.

“Mm, don’t need to. Titan did that for me.”

Farlan cackles. “Fair play.” He turns his attention back to the letter. “Looks like it was mostly just wishes for our safety, bless him. “Tell me how Farlan and Jan’s reunion goes” I think is the next bit.” He laughs lightly. “He’s right, it is gonna be fucking disgusting when we see each other again. Don’t go into too much detail, you’ll probably scar him for life.”

“Delightful,” Levi mutters.

“Okay,” Farlan says, folding the note back up and handing it to Levi. “Pretty sure I know what he was going for, but he says that he wants to wait until he sees you again to tell you.”

“Oh, come on,” Levi protests. “You said that before, what the fuck’s so important that he has to tell me in person? Can’t you give me a hint?” It’s annoying as fuck to be left in the dark and Farlan’s smug grin is not helping. If he weren’t currently in a bed fucking _convalescing_ , Levi would smack him for it.

“Not my place,” Farlan says, shaking his head. “I owe it to Eren as his friend not to betray his confidence.”

“That is _such_ bullshit,” Isabel groans. Levi wholeheartedly agrees. “We were here first! You owe it to _us_ to tell us all the juicy secrets!”

Levi makes a so-so gesture. “I agree but I object to the wording because I’m not a fourteen year old with a crush.”

Farlan gives him a very strange look then. Sort of knowing and appraising all at once. He doesn’t say anything, just smiles to himself like the insufferable asshole that he is. Levi scowls and tucks the letter back into his pocket.

“Right, we’d better go,” Isabel says, clapping her hands together. “We’ll be on duty from tomorrow so we’ll come visit whenever we can, ‘kay?”

“Don’t forget the book,” Farlan says, an edge of desperation in his tone. “For my sanity.”

“Book.” Isabel nods, tapping her temple. “We’ll remember. Rest up, okay? And let us know when you can eat solid food again, we’ll smuggle you something good from the kitchens.”

“God, please,” Farlan says, eyes pleading. “Anything, I’m not fussed, I just really miss being able to chew my fucking food.”

Levi nods, giving Farlan a dismissive wave as they turn to leave. Isabel bounds ahead of him, energetic as always, and yanks the door open. She nearly barrels into someone waiting on the other side of the door and Levi has to yank her back by the collar before she can do herself and the newcomer any mischief.

“Shit, sorry!” Isabel chirps as Levi hauls her back like he’s trying to wrangle an exuberant puppy. “I didn’t see you… There…” She trails off, eyes wide, and even Levi has to admit to surprise, because he definitely wasn’t expecting this.

“Hi,” Jan says with a weary but genuine smile, a crutch tucked firmly under his right arm. “Can I come in?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D :D :D


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe how close this thing is to 30 chapters already! I think it's probably my favourite thing that I've ever written for all the fandoms I've been in, I'm having so much fun writing it and all of your comments are so wonderful I'm love you <3 I know I haven't responded to any but I have always been horrifically bad at that. I also work full time so I don't tend to have much free time to do much else other than squeal excitedly when I read them. But if you've commented please know that you can call on me in your time of need to duel your enemies to the death.
> 
> Bit of a transitionary chapter this time, because oh boy. We're edging into Proper Proper Plot Territory and I am !!! hype for it. I'm not saying that the first 30 chapters are exposition but.............. well, they kind of are. dsafgbhfds

It had taken Mikasa and Armin a good long while to calm Eren down enough that rational thought could take hold again, but even days after that fucking panic attack that had made Eren feel like _he_ was the one dying, he sort of feels like he’s wandering around in a dream. At the time, with adrenaline and fear fighting a gut churning battle inside him, Eren had been pretty much desperate to go to Shadis immediately and beg him to let them leave for a few days to see Farlan for themselves. He hadn’t, knowing exactly what the answer would be, but it hadn’t stopped him wanting to. Armin, the voice of reason as always, had told Eren to wait until word arrived with more information, as Levi’s letter had promised, but Eren couldn’t stop the awful thought that rose on the back of Armin’s gentle advice, that it might be too late by then.

Eren doesn’t exactly fall apart following Levi’s letter - panic attack notwithstanding - but he definitely has a hard time getting his mind back into any form of order. Everything feels pointless and once he starts thinking like that it’s almost impossible to escape it. No matter how skilled they are, no matter how well they train, what does it fucking matter if a titan can still get you anyway? Farlan had been _so_ close to getting the life he’d fought for, only to have it ripped away at the last moment.

It’s not fair.

It’s not fucking _fair_. Eren’s always known how high the scouts’ mortality rate is, but it never really hit home because it had never been so close to him before. Now that his friend has been injured, Eren can’t stop thinking that one day it might be Armin getting hurt, or Mikasa, or any of their classmates, whichever of them decide to follow Eren and the others into the scout regiment. And Eren doesn’t want anyone else to get hurt, but at the same time he knows there’s nothing he can do to stop it from happening. He can fight tooth and nail with the best of them, but so much can go wrong out there, things that are ultimately beyond anyone’s control, and that’s not even taking the titans into account.

He wonders if this is how Mikasa feels, since she knows that Eren’s mind will not be changed. It feels awful and the guilt is nearly enough to choke him, but even though Farlan’s been hurt and Levi’s letter had bordered on desperate, Eren’s still going to be a scout. If anything this has just cemented his resolve further, not that it needed any hardening. He’s always been tenacious, bordering on completely obstinate, but this is something he absolutely cannot be talked out of. Not when his friends’ lives are on the line.

He’s come too far now, is the thing. He’s put in too much work to just back down; too much blood, sweat, tears. _Literally._ And if he has any strength left in him, he’ll do everything he can to make sure no one else has to suffer. Eren’s never been easily swayed and never before has he ever believed in a cause as desperately as he believes in the scouts. They’re his ticket outside the walls, his only way to freedom, to revenge, for both his mother and now Farlan as well.

Eren tries a hundred times to get his sentiments down on paper, to assemble his jumbled and disjointed thoughts into some semblance of coherency so he can offer something worthwhile to Levi and Isabel following that awful, awful letter, but no matter how hard he tries he can’t get his mind to work past the jarring concept that one of their friends is injured and that there is nothing he can do. He wants to offer something more than condolences, but he keeps drawing a blank, and sending a stupid letter off with some variation of “that sucks, wish that hadn’t happened” on it feels horrifically lacking. Eren’s always been about action and sitting around while Farlan is dying is a horrific kind of torture.

Shadis goes easy on him for the next week, which is even worse. If he has to deal with grief, at least let his workload stay consistent so he can distract himself at bare minimum. He knows, logically, that this is the only way Shadis can express that he is, despite all evidence to the contrary, still human and feels for his fellow comrades far more deeply than he lets on, but Eren can’t help hating him for it a little bit. Eren doesn’t need sympathy right now. If sympathy solved the problem, he’d have sent a letter of his own by now to Isabel and Levi, but he can’t offer condolences and nothing else, it wouldn’t be right.

At least he’s not alone. He has Mikasa and Armin who are just as shaken by the news as he is, and it’s knowing that they’re there that gives him the bolstering strength he needs to get his head out of his ass and get back to work. He can’t wallow, that won’t benefit anyone. The best thing he can do right now is get back to his training, get better, stronger, and when it comes time for him to ride out with the scouts, he’ll be able to hold his own and protect his loved ones.

He still comes back to that letter, though. He has to write something. He has to be able to give something to Levi and Isabel while they grieve. It’s awful, he’s already convinced himself that Farlan has… Has passed, but Levi’s letter had been so _pained_. Pained in a way Eren’s never seen him before, and he’s never felt the distance between them more keenly than he does now. It’s not just that Eren cares for him, though that plays a large part in it. Eren would miss him just as much if he still only considered him a friend, but coupled with Eren’s ever-deepening feelings, their parting only stings that much worse.

And technically… Eren’s already sent a letter. Granted he’d sent it off with Levi before he’d left and Levi has to have read it by now… Maybe not, though, if Farlan’s been injured so badly. He’s probably not had time, now that Eren thinks about it, and even if he has, it’s quite right that Levi’s not mentioned it yet. It’s not like it contained anything world-shatteringly important, just the admission that Eren had something he wanted to say to Levi when they met again, whenever that would be.

Thing is… Eren’s not even sure _how_ he feels anymore. It’s not that his crush on Levi has lessened, it’s just that with Levi gone, Eren hasn’t really had a chance to examine what it is that he feels while Levi’s nearby. He _knows_ there’s affection there, he knows himself well enough that he understands that, at least. But beyond that… He’s not sure. Levi’s never given the impression that he’s inclined toward other people in any capacity beyond tolerance. The affection he does show those he’s close to is of a very particular kind, sort of abrasively fond, and as much as Eren counts himself lucky to be one of the select few Levi is content to have around, beyond that he’s at a loss.

Given that Eren’s experience in the romance/affection department is less than nonexistent, he doesn’t really know what he’s after. He’d like to get the chance to tell Levi, that is if the crush doesn’t burn himself within the next… However long it is before they see each other again, but Farlan - and the memory aches a little bit but Eren powers through it - had been convinced it was nothing more than teenage emotions going haywire, bolstered by a dose of admiration. Eren had been pretty content to leave it at that, at the time, but the more he dwells on it, the less that seems like an option.

Look, he’s not blowing out of proportion, as much as it may seem like it. Farlan had _said_ it would feel intense at Eren’s age, but Eren’s literally always been like this, feels things way too deeply to just let them pass, and he honestly can’t see it changing no matter how old he gets. Maybe one day he’ll be able to calm the hell down, but not now. Even the thought of Levi is enough to send his pulse hammering, though with what specific emotion Eren’s not sure. It really does seem like a case of absence makes the heart grow fonder. Each day Eren goes without seeing him, it feels like he’s falling a little bit further and further in…

No. No, it’s not that. It’s just a crush. Eren needs to stop being so dramatic about everything all the fucking time. It’s _exhausting_.

The only good thing that comes from Eren’s inability to handle his own thoughts these days is that he’s always doing as much as he can to stay busy. Once Shadis’ forced few days of light work are over, Eren throws himself back into training with his usual fervor, multiplied by a hundred. He still spars with Reiner and Mikasa, and Annie as well on the rare days when she’s feeling particularly affable - hardly ever but she seems to take some sort of quiet pleasure in throwing Eren as far as she can manage, though it happens with much less frequency than it used to. Actually, it barely happens at all these, and Eren finds that when he spars with anyone now, that strange matchstick strike inside his head always seems to flare up, sparking the instincts he never knew he had. It’s very rare now that anyone can beat him in hand-to-hand, and when the quarterly evaluation marks come out, Eren ranks higher in hand-to-hand than anyone else in the cadet corps.

It’s a victory, but one he can’t even enjoy properly.

And then a second letter arrives.

Eren’s expecting it this time, has been tensing up every morning when the courier drops by the compound, but so far nothing has made its way to him. Not until a particularly rainy day towards the middle of May, when Nairi’s passing out letters to the rest of the cadets over breakfast in the mess. She gets to the bottom of the pile in her hand and her eyes flick over to Eren who feels every muscle in his body tense at once when she begins to walk over. He’s on his feet in an instant and takes the letter the moment she holds it out.

He barely remembers to thank her before he’s ripping into it, heart thundering an unsteady rhythm against his ribs. Mikasa and Armin are at his shoulders in an instant, desperate to read the letter quicker this time, in case Eren has another mental breakdown. This letter, unlike the first, is far thicker and Eren holds his breath as he unfolds it and begins to read.

 _Eren,_ the letter reads. Not “brat” this time. Eren swallows hard, anxiety ready to ignite into an inferno at a moment’s notice.

_Listen, kid, I don’t know how the fuck you managed it, but you must have a shit load of good luck saved up or something. I can’t even begin to tell you how relieved I am to be able to write this. I’m guessing the first letter arrived late, since it took me ages to send it and we only get mail collections on Wednesdays, but hopefully this one makes up for it. Bear with me, okay? I don’t think I’ve ever written this much in my life but I’ve got Isabel next to me for assistance. She’s not writing because her handwriting is even shittier than mine, but she says hello._

_I can hardly fucking believe it but the son of a bitch pulled through. Farlan’s okay. Bit lighter on one side, but what can you do? He started physical therapy last week and it’s going horribly, or so he tells me. I think he's just being a fucking baby, but what do I know? I still have both legs, I’m not the one who has to learn to walk again._

Eren’s hands tremble, the letter fluttering in his grip. Relief, hot, heady, overwhelming, sweeps through his body in a wave. Farlan’s okay. He’s alive, and suddenly everything feels that little bit more bearable. Mikasa gasps softly at his side, hand clutching Eren’s arm and he offers her a shaky smile before turning his eyes back to the parchment.

_The Commander sent for Jan, which none of us were expecting. You were fucking right, it was disgusting and all I’m saying is that I’m glad Farlan’s not at risk of infection anymore because sucking face with your boyfriend for an hour and a half sure as hell can’t be medically advisable. But it’s doing Farlan good to have him around. I think it helps him with the physical therapy to have someone nearby who’s been through similar. Mostly it’s strengthening his remaining leg to carry his weight and learning how to get around on crutches, but we have this friend… I guess they’re a friend now, though I’d be more inclined to call them a nuisance if they weren’t so useful. Name’s Hanji, they’re the regiment’s resident mad scientist, far as I can tell. They’re working on something for Farlan called a prosthetic, but none of us can figure out what the hell that's meant to be. Any ideas?_

“Hanji?” Armin asks, looking up at Eren and Mikasa with raised eyebrows. “Section commander Zoe?”

“Must be,” Mikasa says, nodding. “I think I remember… them?” She glances over the passage of the letter again. “No idea what a prosthetic is… Armin?”

“It’s…” He swallows. “It’s like a false limb. They must be trying to help Farlan to walk again.”

“That’s wonderful!” Mikasa smiles, small and pleased. “I’m so relieved…”

Eren agrees but he’s finding it hard to formulate any sort of acceptable response, having read ahead while the others were distracted. The next paragraph hits him like a punch to the gut, shock overwriting absolutely everything else.

_I figure you’d want to know, but Isabel and I are sticking around. Surprised? Me fucking too, but Isabel made some points that were pretty fucking hard to argue with. You’d be proud, I think. She said some things that sounded like the kind of earnest shit you’d spout. So… Yeah. We’re scouts now and isn’t that just fucking hilarious? This is absolutely not me giving you the okay to join, by the way, I’m still one hundred percent against you enlisting and trust me when I say I’ll kick your fucking ass if you try it. I know you’ve seen titans already, so you of all people should understand. Just fucking look the other way. Join the wall garrison, hell, become a goddamn farmer or some shit, just stay the hell away from the corps._

“Like he’s got any chance of getting through to you if _we_ can’t,” Mikasa mutters under her breath. “We’ve been trying for _years.”_

Eren shushes her.

_Other than that, things are okay. Which is weird. It’s not a house in Calaneth or Trost, but it’ll do. Farlan and Jan’ll be sticking around too, which is good. Hanji’s dead set on enlisting Farlan to help with whatever the hell it is that they do, which is reassuring and also vaguely terrifying. Farlan’s looking forward to it, though. Once he's back on his… foot? I guess? Means they don’t have to worry about finding a place for a while. Also means I can keep an eye on them for a bit longer._

_Not much else to say really. I’m just fucking relieved that things ended up the way they did. Could’ve been so much worse. So thanks for the good luck. Trade off was that your letter got ruined, though, so most of it was unreadable. You seemed like you had something important to tell me and I’ve gotta admit, kid, I’m offended that Farlan knows something I don’t. You like him more or something? My winning personality not enough for you?_

_Look, it’s gonna be wild for us for the next however long. Monthly expeditions, settling into the routine, I don’t know how often we’ll be able to write, but I’ll try, okay? Mainly because Isabel will kill me if I don’t keep you updated. She misses you, by the way. She’s also latched onto a new scout, so please extend my deepest condolences to Nairi that she’s no longer the one Isabel’s crushing on._

_Even if all we can do is write, we’ll stay in touch, though. Maybe swing by for when you brats graduate. Have a celebration or some shit. Then you can tell me whatever the fuck is so important that you can’t write to me about it. Gotta admit, I’ve got no clue what it might be. Farlan won’t say shit, just keeps grinning like an asshole. Feeling a bit left out, is all I’m saying._

_Hope training’s going okay and that Shadis isn’t pushing you too hard. Say hi to Mikasa and Armin for us. Smack Jean for me, too._

_\-- Levi_

Eren doesn’t get even a moment to properly examine the mixture of emotions the letter has evoked before Armin and Mikasa are eyeing him with identical expressions of disbelief. He fidgets apprehensively under their scrutiny, defensive and uncomfortable.

“You gave Levi a letter?” Mikasa probes, poking him hard in the ribs. “When the hell was this?”

“Okay,” Eren says, desperate to distract them, “but maybe we should be focusing on the fact that Farlan’s--”

“Farlan’s fine,” Armin says, eyes sparkling with mischief. “But I’m far more interested in this letter of yours.”

“Right, rude. I’m gonna tell Farlan you don’t give a shit--”

“Untrue and he’d know it,” Mikasa interrupts. “Stop deflecting. When’d you send it?”

Eren shuffles anxiously. “...Before he left. I... Gave it to him.”

Mikasa folds her arms. “Uh-huh. And what did it say?”

“You know, I forget exactly…” That’s an absolute lie, Eren could recite that letter in his sleep, given that he’d spent a few restless nights drafting and redrafting it. It wasn’t anything groundbreaking, nothing in there that would be particularly incriminating, just the promise that Eren had something to say the next time they saw each other. Which he is now empathically regretting because he’s pretty sure he doesn’t actually want to tell Levi at _all_. Just like Eren to back himself into a corner with his own impulsive actions.

“Oh, Eren,” Armin says sympathetically, shaking his head. “You do get yourself into the worst situations, don’t you? I really don’t think you should tell Levi how you feel.”

“Well, why the hell-- Wait, does _everyone_ know?” Fucking wonderful! Just tell the whole world, it’s fine! It’s not like Eren likes his privacy or anything!

“Not everyone, I don’t think,” Armin says. “Stop being so dramatic. But it’s obvious to us, at least.”

“Fantastic,” Eren mutters. “And why the hell shouldn’t I tell him? He won’t be cruel about it. I’m literally just aiming for closure here.” And that’s the truth of it, really. Levi’s not like other people; by his own admission doesn’t care for affection outside of the kind he shares with his friends. It’s Eren’s own damn bad luck that he had to fall for someone who probably won’t ever like him back.

“You blew the whole thing out of proportion,” Mikasa says, though her voice is soft. She’s not trying to be unkind, she’s just blunt by nature. “If they’d stuck around, you’d already be long over your crush. Because he’s gone, you’ve built him up in your mind to be something he’s not. You’ve not got a crush on Levi, you’ve fallen for the _idea_ of him.”

Eren genuinely doesn’t have a response to that, which is frustrating because he _really_ wants to argue against that point and finds that he absolutely cannot. It’s just like Mikasa to hit him with the kind of truth he can’t deny, no matter how much it might sting. And maybe she is right, maybe Eren’s just fallen for a glorified idea of Levi, something he’s made him out to be that in reality he can’t live up to. It makes an awful sort of sense, no matter how much Eren might wish otherwise.

“Well, no point dwelling on it now,” Armin says after a painfully tense moment. “You were at least smart enough not to include it in your letter.”

“I’m not a complete idiot,” Eren snaps. “I don’t get what the problem is.” And he doesn’t, he genuinely doesn’t. Farlan, Mikasa, Armin, they’re all treating it like something Eren will get over, like something unimportant, which yeah, it probably is in the grand scheme of things, but the reason it rankles so badly is because it matters to Eren _now_. Just because he’s young, inexperienced, maybe a little naive in some ways, doesn’t mean what he feels isn’t real. Yes, they’re probably right in thinking that Eren will get over it in a few weeks, maybe months at most, but it doesn’t mean it’s not how he feels right now, or that he was ever foolish for feeling it in the first place.

Fine, there’s not really any chance of anything… well, anything at all happening between him and Levi, but that doesn’t mean Eren’s not allowed to wonder.

* * *

Eren finally manages to get a letter written to Levi and Isabel, now that he knows Farlan’s okay and doing well. It’s not much, considering nothing has really happened among the cadets other than Connie managing to nearly strangle himself with his gear harness and Sasha’s hooks misfiring and impaling Jean in the thigh. That sounds worse than it is, the anchor blades had barely grazed him, but judging from the way he’d howled you’d have thought his leg had been ripped off. It hadn’t been funny at the time, but looking back on it now it’s the funniest thing that’s happened all year, so Eren makes sure to include it.

Summer creeps in gradually after that and the rest of the year feels like it’s rushing forward to meet them before they’re ready. Eren moves into Mikasa’s group, grades having rocketed up through sheer willpower alone, and Shadis stops giving Eren hell every minute of the day, which makes a nice change. By the time fall is burning the leaves red, Eren’s got a small stash of letters from Levi, Farlan, and Isabel and he’s sent quite a few of his own, from Mikasa and Armin too, and they fall into a nice routine where they gather together on Eren’s bunk every other Thursday to read the latest update from the trio.

Farlan’s recovery is a rocky one, but having Jan around seems to help a lot. Having someone nearby who’s been through similar physical therapy is something of an encouragement, Eren learns from one of Isabel’s letters, because she’s more likely to focus on the deeper stuff than Levi is. Eren learns that Farlan’s prosthetic is successfully crafted by Hanji, and though it’s been months since his therapy began, they’re still tailoring the piece to suit him and support his weight comfortably. It seems like a lot of trial and error, but Farlan and Hanji are determined to get it perfect. One of the letters includes a sketch of the device that section commander Hanji themselves had drawn; it’s a complicated contraption fashioned of metal and leather that vaguely resembles the lower part of a leg, equipped with fastenings at the top that cinch around Farlan’s thigh and cradle the lower part of what’s left of his knee.

Section commander Hanji also seems to have wormed their way into the trio’s hard-won affections, since all three of them describe them as eccentric and batshit insane - Levi’s words - but in a fond sort of way. Eren’s anxious to meet them for himself and find out exactly what it is about them that’s endeared the eccentric section commander to the underground trio so intently, and the longer Eren wonders the more impatient he is for graduation, which is still over a year away.

He misses all three of them dearly, so much so that he aches with it on the best of days, but he knows he’ll see them again, holds on to that hope with everything he has, even on the days when the letters contain a brief description of Isabel and Levi’s latest expedition.

Those are the hardest letters to read. Levi’s always so blunt in his descriptions, never goes too much into detail but never shies away from the more macabre parts of them either. Part of Eren suspects Levi is still hoping to change his mind about joining, but that’s never going to happen and they all know it. Isabel’s letters - though she’s prone to exaggeration - are far more reliable. She makes it sound so heroic, them versus the titans in a valiant struggle, and her descriptions of the events fit Eren’s assumptions the best. Levi’s making a name for himself among the corps, an unstoppable force of nature worth easily an entire brigade on his own, and that doesn’t help Eren’s crush in the slightest.

That’s another problem, one that Eren keeps firmly to himself given that Armin and Mikasa’s track record in teasing him about his feelings isn’t great. He knows that their ribbing is meant to show him just how childish his feelings are, to remind him that they’ll fade, but so far they’re doing the exact opposite. With every letter Eren receives, his feelings only seem to deepen, affection spreading to every part of his body before he can stop it. It becomes a part of him, one he can’t ever see fading, like his determination and his temper, but softer somehow, gentler. It’s a facet of him now, as indistinguishable from his nature as his resilience and stubbornness. Eren Jaeger is hot-tempered, unfailingly tenacious, and cares for Levi so deeply he sometimes finds it hard to breath through the rush of affection Levi’s letters evoke in him.

It’s not bad, not at all. Eren just wishes his friends would understand that, even if it does one day fade, it mattered while it existed. Even if Eren never gets to tell Levi how he feels, it was real and he felt it. That’s good enough for him.

He also gets to experience his first real rush of jealousy, which is decidedly less pleasant. There’s a scout whose name started cropping up in letters from each of the trio sometime in June. A young woman by the name of Petra, by Isabel’s own description as pretty as she is deadly. She’s got a ridiculously high titan kill-count, one that only a few people have managed to surpass - Levi included in that number, unsurprisingly - and from the way the trio describe her, she’s also unfailingly kind.

Eren’s prepared to like her already, because anyone who manages to secure a good opinion in the eyes of the underground trio cannot get a higher recommendation, but then one of Isabel’s letters mentions, in fairly petulant but otherwise throwaway comment, that Petra’s taken to hanging around Levi a lot more than is strictly professional. Which is disappointing on Isabel’s part because Isabel thought she was cute. Eren ignores that part of the letter entirely because… Well, _crushed_ isn’t a strong enough word for how he feels.

His thoughts rocket down a less than chivalrous path, to say the least. Which isn’t the poor girl’s fault, she’s probably lovely, definitely is if what the others have to say about her is true. It’s not fair for Eren to think so harshly of her just for taking an interest in Levi, it’s not like he can even _blame_ her considering they apparently have more in common in that regard than he’d like to admit, but still the sudden and hot flash of jealousy burns violently enough to render him momentarily breathless.

He wants to ask more but he thinks that knowing will just hurt worse. But maybe if he asked it would help him put the feelings to rest more quickly. Trouble is, he’s not even sure he wants to. He quite likes them, truth be told, as strange as they are. The flutter of anticipation when he recognises Levi’s atrocious handwriting on a new letter, his acerbic wit, his dry commentary on his daily life as a scout, all of elicits a pleasant stirring of warmth and fondness in Eren that he doesn’t really want to let go of. For now he’s content to keep those delicate feelings safe within his chest, until such a time comes that he needs to finally release them.

He never gets a confirmation one way or the other and he doesn’t ask. Their routine carries on, letters every other week right up until the solstice. Farlan learns to walk again, joins the section commander in their strange research, and Isabel and Levi go from strength to strength within the scouts ranks, skilled and untouchable. For the moment.

Eren continues to miss them all and in between those rare moments of joy when he and Mikasa and Armin gather to read the letters, Eren slowly creeps up to fifth place within the ranks of the top ten in their year.

Before he knows it, it’s time for his third year to begin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOW ABOUT THAT NEW ANIME EPISODE HUH? NO SPOILERS HERE BUT I'M STILL FUCKIN SHOOK.
> 
> I also want you to know that I am, and will always be, an Eren Jaeger Apologist. I love my angry son no matter what. Please Isayama. Please let him fucking rest he deserves it. They all do, god...
> 
> Petition to let the survery corps take a fucking NAP 2K21
> 
> hope you enjoyed the chapter, even if it was a bit short. We'll get some more Jan next chapter I promise.
> 
> love you!


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i loved writing this chapter! Please excuse the jump back then forward, we're seeing things from Farlan's point of view this time around because I love him and after what I've put him through he deserves some time in the spotlight!
> 
> Folks.............. We are so close to the turning point and I am SO EXCITED TO GET THERE. Thank you so much for being with me on this journey, I hope you're enjoying it as much as I am and, judging by your wonderful comments, you are!!
> 
> So here it is! We can have a little Farlan's POV. as a treat.

Isabel and Levi slip out but Farlan barely even notices them leave. It’s like his whole world has narrowed to one singular point in the universe, comparatively small compared to the world around them, but for Farlan it feels like everything else has fallen away. Stars are born and die somewhere out there in the sky that Farlan has longed for nearly all of his life, but none of that matters when Jan steps into the room, lovely face lighting up with a smile that is all at once relieved, concerned, and so dearly familiar that Farlan aches upon seeing it.

He wants to get up. He wants to throw the covers back and cross the room _somehow_ , to get to Jan quicker, but the aching numbness in his leg remains even as everything else fades away, but it even that isn’t enough to stop him from trying. He is ultimately stopped regardless, before he can do himself any more damage, when Jan crosses the room for him, stalling Farlan’s impulsive movements with gentle hands. They’re warm and calloused from the crutch he’ll likely have to use for the rest of his life intermittently, but the weight of them on Farlan’s shoulders, then his neck, his face, is the sweetest sensation Farlan’s ever felt in his life.

“You’re here,” Farlan chokes out, clutching at Jan’s shirt. “Oh my god, you’re _here.”_ His voice sounds wrecked even to his own ears but Jan only smiles, leans forward to press a soft kiss to Farlan’s lank and greasy curls. None of that matters though and the next thing Farlan knows Jan is on the bed beside him, warm and so very real in his arms, a reassuring weight against his side, and Farlan is sobbing so viscerally his entire body shakes with it.

“Shh, shh,” Jan murmurs into his hair and Farlan wants a shower so badly he might undo all the doctor’s hard work and die anyway, but Jan doesn’t seem to care, just holds him and murmurs soft nonsense to him, kissing away the tears that spill over.

It’s been… It’s been too long. Farlan’s felt every day like a physical wound but he’s been powerless to do anything about it, consoled himself with the lie that the distance was necessary, that he was doing it for them, but the lie had gotten thinner and more worn with every passing day. It feels worse, somehow, now that Jan is here with him, like none of it mattered and Farlan nearly wasted all this time for nothing, could have died out there and never gotten to see Jan again. But he thanks every force in the world that he’s alive right now, able to hold Jan close after too long spent apart.

“How did— How—“ Farlan swallows, sniffs wetly, tries to get the words out through his tears. Jan smiles and brushes hair back from his forehead, eyes roving over Farlan’s face like he’s trying to commit every inch of it to his memory, just the way Farlan’s trying to memorise his.

“Your Commander sent for me,” Jan says. “Which is damn good luck, I have to say. Doctor’s really weren’t sure what to do with me, now that there’s nothing more to be done with my leg. They didn’t really want to pack me back off underground and even I had to admit I wasn’t much looking forward to having to go back there.”

“I wouldn’t have let you,” Farlan says firmly, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

“I know,” Jan says soothingly. “But honestly, did you have to go to such lengths to do it?”

Farlan huffs. “I didn’t _mean_ to get bitten--”

“Not that,” Jan says, fixing him with a disapproving stare. “Though we’ll be coming back to _that_ later. I meant the whole thing. I _know_ you three only signed on for this because of me.”

“God-- No. Jan.” Farlan stares at him, alarmed. “No, it wasn’t your fa-- _No._ We would have done it anyway. Lovoff lucked out when he grabbed you. He couldn’t have known that I… No.” He shakes his head vigorously. “No, we would have taken any chance to get up here. I’d have fought my way up here otherwise, you know I would.”

Jan seems placated by that, relaxing a little more into Farlan’s arms. “Well, good. I was… feeling a little guilty.”

“Don’t be stupid,” Farlan says. “I’d do anything for you, you know that, but do you honestly think Levi and Isabel would have let me run headfirst into danger without at least trying to talk some sense into me first?”

“Isabel? Yes. Levi? No.” Jan smirks. “They seem well.”

Farlan sighs, smiling faintly. “Yeah, they are. Fucking batshit, though, the both of them. Could’ve gotten off easy but they’ve signed up for the scouts proper. I think they’re mad, the both of them, but I’ve never seen them this focused before, either. Isabel’s always been chipper and optimistic, you know that as well as I do. But this is the first time I’ve ever seen her… dedicated.”

“You’re worried about them.”

“Can you blame me?” Farlan reaches down, patting his injured leg below the covers. “I… I know that there’s a chance this or worse could happen to them. But they don’t need to hear that from me, they know it already. All I can do is support them, the same way they’ve always supported me. I just… I don’t know. I wish a lot of things were different.”

“Understandable.” Jan kisses his temple softly. “But I’ve always told you, we can only do the best with what we have.”

“Yeah.” Farlan sighs, smiling softly. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

“Well, get used to it,” Jan says and Farlan’s heart cheers as the tips of his ears flush, the way they always do when he’s happy. “Because I’ve had enough of being apart from you. I’m serious, Farlan. Look what trouble you get yourself into when I’m not around. You’re not getting away from me this time. I mean it.”

Farlan grins stupidly wide. “Oh no,” he says, beaming from ear to ear. “Whatever shall I do?”

Jan rolls his eyes. “Shut up and kiss me, you idiot.”

* * *

A few weeks later, Levi and Isabel wince together as Farlan hits the floor for the second time in ten minutes. An awful moment passes where none of them know what to do, Farlan can see them wrestling with themselves about whether or not to rush to him or let him right himself, but Jan gestures for them to stay back, expression calm though his eyes are filled with concern. Farlan appreciates the gesture, even as pain lances up his injured leg and through his back, hot and harsh and jarring. It only lasts a moment after the impact, settling down into the manageable ache that’s become a permanent presence in what’s left of his left knee.

The injury to his pride, though, hurts a lot worse.

“Are you alright?” Jan asks gently. Farlan bites back a harsh curse - Jan doesn’t deserve that - and manages a single nod.

Isa and Levi relax slightly and Farlan wipes a hand roughly over his reddened face, brushing away sweat and the few errant tears of frustration and pain that he’s beyond grateful none of his friends will ever admit to seeing. Isabel’s still practically vibrating with the urge to come to him, but they’re under strict orders not to interfere - both from Jan and Doctor Mariska, to say nothing of the fact that Farlan had threatened them on pain of death not to assist him - so instead they just stand by the wall of the sickroom that's become Farlan’s temporary home, anxious and uneasy, as he learns how to walk again.

It would probably be miles harder if Jan wasn’t here. He’s always been such a mild presence in their lives and, though Farlan’s nowhere near as energetic as Isabel, he knows he still needs tempering every now and then, can still get caught up in excitement that needs anchoring before he does himself a mischief. Jan offers that nice counterbalance, a quiet, reassuring presence, and if he weren’t here, Farlan doesn’t know if he would be able to handle his rehabilitation as well as he is. Which still isn’t great, truth be told.

It’s gruelling, because of course it was never going to be easy, but Farlan’s determined, strong in mind even if his body is not, not yet, not like it used to be, and every time he overbalances, every time his leg gives out or he loses his grip on the crutch, he hits the floor, dusts himself off, and gets back up again. No matter how long or how many tries it takes.

“Easy, now,” Jan says, as always the picture of calm reassurance. He raises his hands, beckoning to him. “I’m right here. Just a few steps. I know you can do it.”

Farlan swallows, feels the tickle of beads of sweat rolling down his temples, but he steels himself regardless of his exhaustion, eases slowly back up onto his good leg, leveraging himself up against the bed. He hovers there, arms shaking from the strain, until he can hoist himself back upright and, though he wobbles precariously for a moment, he doesn’t fall again.

“Wonderful,” Jan says, smiling broadly. “Would you like me to pass you your crutch?”

“No.” Farlan’s tongue flicks out to wet his lips, determination burning in his blood. “No, I can do it.”

It isn’t easy, having Levi and Isabel watching, but he wants them here more than he wants them to leave him alone. They’ve been with him every step of the way, from that first week where he could barely manage to hobble around with the crutch, to now - a month later - with Hanji’s prosthetic attached to his thigh. They’ve never once turned away from him, never once complained though he’s lost his temper countless times, lashed out at them when they’ve offered help he doesn’t want, furious at what he perceives as his own failing. Not one of them feel the same, he knows, and they are equally as desperate for him to regain his strength again, but it’s difficult to let them see him like this, with a body that won’t - can’t - cooperate with what he wants it to do.

“Are the straps tight enough?” Levi asks, risking his neck because he’s probably the only one of them Farlan can snap at without worrying about feeling guilty afterwards. If he lost his patience, his temper, and snapped at Isabel or Jan, Farlan would feel awful after the fact, ashamed of himself. If he snaps at Levi… Well, they’ve shared their fair share of harsh words before. And Levi’s got thicker skin than the others. He can take it.

“Yeah,” Farlan grunts, kneading tension out of the thigh of his injured leg. The contraption - prosthetic, Hanji had called it - is only a prototype; a heavy, unwieldy thing that isn’t really conducive to a painless recovery, but Hanji had insisted it wasn’t finished yet, that they’d need to keep working on it while Farlan recovered, tailor it to his needs specifically while he got used to it. A symbiotic relationship, of sorts. While Farlan got stronger, recovered, the prototype prosthetic would be improved inline with his progress.

Which is a nice enough sentiment, but _god_. Having it on burns in the weirdest way. It’s so heavy, drags his body down, taxes muscles that are weak from disuse, and he can barely stand to have it on for more than about ten minutes at a time. When it’s fresh on at the start of each session, before the pain can set in it just feels strange, alien, which makes sense because it’s not part of his fucking body, but it’s only temporary. Hanji had promised - had sworn on their honour - that the finished prosthetic would be perfect. And for whatever reason Farlan believes them. It’s hard not to when someone who barely knows you is willing to pull all-nighters bent over a workbench soldering until the early hours of the morning just so you can try to walk again.

Farlan owes them more than he can say.

“Need a break?” Levi asks, again speaking before Isabel or Jan can offer and put themselves in the firing line. Good call, as it turns out, because anger flashes white-hot through Farlan’s chest, brows furrowing into a deep scowl that he turns in Levi’s direction.

“Fuck off, don’t coddle me,” Farlan snaps and takes a wobbly step forward, incensed and bolstered by his anger. Satisfied by that reaction, Levi hides a small smile behind his hand and Farlan nearly yells because he’s played right into Levi’s trap _again_. The absolute bastard.

Isabel elbows him because Farlan can’t. She is, and will always be, the favourite.

It’s a fucking relief when Farlan makes it across the room, collapses into Jan’s arms in a panting, sweaty tangle of limbs, but the frustration has melted away and the rest of them heave identical sighs of relief. Farlan’s ability to make it across the room changes day by day, and is unreliable at the best of times. Some days he can make it without even stumbling once. Others he crumbles before he can take even the first step. The line of progress is a blurry one and so early on it’s proving impossible to quantify. Doctor Mariska keeps telling them that they won’t see any improvement for the first few weeks, but that the worst thing Farlan can do is give up.

Fat chance of that. He’s stubborn enough to give Eren a run for his money. Not even that, Isabel and Levi would never let him. There is no other option, not for any of them.

Farlan _will_ learn to walk again.

* * *

“Alright,” Hanji says, months of pain and effort and sleepless nights later, straightening up and wiping their forearm across their forehead, shoving their goggles up to perch on the top of their head. They have grease smudged across their cheek but Farlan doesn’t think it would be polite to mention it. “Give it a go,” they continue, tapping their wrench against Farlan’s metal knee.

“So I just--” He tenses, lifting his thigh that is bound with straps, fastened into the metal frame that extends past his… Past where his injury ends his leg prematurely. But he can’t even think about that right now, because the moment he lifts his thigh, the joints in Hanji’s prosthetic grate together and the prosthetic _bends_. Right in the joint where Farlan’s knee would bend were it still intact.

“Hah!” Hanji barks, pumping their fist into the air. “I fucking knew I could do it!”

It’s taken them weeks of trial and error, months of pain and what felt like little progress, to bring them to this point. Farlan’s covered in almost as many bruises as he was when Levi hauled his ass back to HQ, but for the first time since the expedition, Farlan feels like his struggle has been worth it.

Hanji had burst into Farlan’s room at two o’clock in the morning about three weeks ago, waving the ever-evolving prototype above their head like a mad person. Jan had nearly had a fucking heart attack, the poor thing, and Farlan had toppled out of bed, screaming in terror. Hanji hadn’t even apologised for scaring them half to death, had just launched into an impassioned explanation about what it was that was preventing the prototype from being as effective as they wanted it to be.

“It’s the joints!” They’d screamed at decibels previously unknown to mankind. “If you had any knee left we’d have been long past this, but you don’t! That’s where I’ve been going wrong!”

“Good god,” Jan had whimpered, tugging the blanket up to his chest. Farlan had just sighed from the floor and resigned himself to a horrifically early start to his next physical therapy session.

The problem was, Hanji had explained at a much slower pace once Farlan was properly awake, that the doctors had to remove Farlan’s knee to be able to suture the wound closed, leaving him with very limited mobility even if the prototype was successfully fashioned into a suitable prosthetic. He’d be walking stiff for the rest of his life, unable to bend the false limb the way he would if his leg were still whole. It was hard enough to learn how to walk again in the first place, without securing what was effectively an immovable metal rod to his body.

So, Hanji had said, they needed to fashion a joint, a hinge of sorts, that would allow the frame to bend. Farlan had been perplexed at first, unable to see how they could even attempt to solve the problem, but Hanji had been a step - or ten - ahead of him.

The solution, oddly enough, was the gear harness. Farlan’s eyes had widened and so had Hanji’s pleased grin, and the moment he’d understood, all the air whooshed out of his lungs like he’d been punched.

After that… Well. Progress felt a lot more like progress.

Farlan’s gear harness has been modified, dismantled, remade, and modified again. Both he and Hanji have spent countless days working on it, augmenting it, and now when he wears it, the straps that would have fastened around his thigh and crossed over his knee to link beneath his foot, now connect to the thinner, lighter version of the prosthetic. When he moves his hips, the gear straps shift and cause the joint in his knee to bend, giving him more movement than the prosthetic had been capable of in the beginning. It functions - not exactly but near enough - as his own leg had, not fully flexible but moreso than he had dared to hope.

“Up, up!” Hanji encourages, tugging on his arm. “Come on, let me see. Weeks of sleepless nights are about to pay off, Farlan, I can _feel_ it.”

Farlan swallows hard and takes hold of Hanji’s offered arm, slowly easing himself upright, taking most of the weight on his right leg. As he stands, the joint in his prosthetic straightens with him, and Farlan’s heart thuds triple time in his chest. Hanji’s grip on him is firm, supportive, and it’s not until Farlan’s on - _fuck_ \- both feet, metal and flesh working together, that they begin to slowly release him.

“Oh my god,” Farlan says, standing without so much as a wobble. “You fucking-- You _genuis_ , Hanji.”

They shake their head. “This was as much you as it was me, Far. You’ve come so far even without it. Don’t diminish your own efforts, okay?”

Farlan nods somewhat absently, too focused on his new - hah! - and improved leg to really listen to what they’re saying. Eagerly he takes a step - an actual fucking step! - forward and starts fucking crying because he doesn’t stumble. He’s not nearly as confident on his feet as he had once been, but it’s _better_ now, easier, and he’s so overwhelmed he can barely stand it.

“I’ve gotcha,” Hanji says, rubbing his back soothingly. “Want me to get Jan?”

Farlan swallows. “What time is it?”

“Uhh.” Hanji digs into their pocket for a dented pocket watch. “Four AM,” they say.

Farlan pulls a face. This has become his new normal, unfortunately, as a friend of Hanji’s. They get so caught up working together that regular sleeping hours have become a thing of the past. Farlan doesn’t mind so much, but it does mean he needs to be mindful of bothering his friends at weird hours.

“Fuck it,” he says, grinning. “I want them to see this. Shall we go wake them up together?” Farlan’s so excited, so fucking _relieved_ , that he feels like he could do laps of the training ground. He can’t - not yet - but he’s much closer than he was even a few short weeks ago.

Hanji cackles. “I’m worried I’m a bad influence on you.”

“Oh, you definitely are.” Farlan grins at them. “But that’s everyone else’s problem.”

Jan cries when Farlan walks into the room. So does Isabel. Levi doesn’t but he _does_ smile - a proper smile, none of that smirky bullshit he loves so much - which is so shocking that Farlan nearly trips. He doesn’t, is able to catch himself, the prosthetic supporting his weight and not buckling the way it has so many times before and before Farlan knows it his arms are full of his loved ones, all telling him just how proud they are of how far he’s come. Even Levi’s part of the embrace, having been dragged in, Farlan assumes, by Isabel. But Levi’s grip on Farlan’s back is too tight to be reluctant, too shaky to be forced, and Farlan’s eyes prickle at that. Levi doesn’t hug people. Never has. But he takes Farlan into his arms now like he wants to, like he needs Farlan to know just how proud he is.

Farlan’s throat gets a little tight at that, he has to admit. Okay, no, full disclosure, he sobs like a fucking baby, but you can’t really blame him.

He won’t be able to go on any more expeditions - doesn’t fucking _want_ to, thank you very much, but he can move, he can _walk_ , which months ago he never believed he’d do again. It’s still not easy, wears him out more than he’d like to admit, but even after all his physical therapy Jan still uses a crutch to ease his way, so Farlan can handle doing the same.

He knows, though, that he wouldn’t have gotten this far without his friends - his _family_ \- and he’ll spend every day of his life thanking them for what they’ve done. Not that they’ll let him, they would never count it as a debt owed, not after everything they’ve been through together, but he’s still grateful all the same.

And now that Farlan is back on his feet - so to speak - he’ll be able to work with Hanji properly. He might not be able to watch Isabel and Levi’s backs out there in the field, but he can give them the tools necessary to protect themselves.

That, he decides, will be his way of paying them back.

* * *

While Farlan had been in the middle of his painful road to recovery, Isabel and Levi had been making names for themselves among the scouts. Farlan isn’t envious in the slightest, still thinks they’re fucking idiots for signing their lives away, but he’s still proud of them nonetheless. They’re a fucking dream team, or so Hanji tells him. They work together flawlessly, have a combined total of sixty-eight titan kill-assists between them, which is a number few have ever been able to get close to. There are four other scouts who’s records they’ve broken, but how can you be pissed about that, when the killing of titans is something that is so highly celebrated when so few can manage it?

The other scouts seem to regard the both of them with a healthy mixture of awe and trepidation, which Farlan knows for a fact is Levi’s preferred way of being perceived. Not the awe so much, that tends to irritate the shit out of him unless you’re a particularly overenthusiastic cadet. (Not that Farlan’s naming any names here, you understand, but the evidence speaks for itself.) The trepidation keeps most of them from attempting to get too chummy with them, which Levi fucking loves, the moody bastard, but Farlan won’t begrudge him that. He knows Levi prizes his peace and quiet, needs it to keep calm and keep the claustrophobia at bay. Isabel’s the complete other end of the spectrum, as she usually is where Levi’s concerned, and she’s made firm friends with a good few scouts.

Farlan, for his part, is content to keep himself to himself, though he’s civil with quite a few of the scouts now simply because he works with Hanji. They get the occasional visitor to Hanji’s workspace each week, asking for gear repairs because they know they can get it done faster than sending it off to be repaired in Trost or elsewhere. It’s good work, keeps Farlan’s hands busy, and the plus side is that Jan’s nearby so Farlan honestly couldn’t be happier.

He’d prefer it if his friends didn’t go off once a month to risk their lives, but they’re _good_ at what they do, which is apparently a rare thing in the survey corps. Most soldiers sign up hoping for glory, or because their sense of duty outweighs their common sense by a literal tonne, but those who’ve been past the walls know the likelihood that they may not return.

Isabel and Levi have been luckier than most, though Farlan’s starting to see some wear and tear. Isabel has a nasty scar down the left side of her face from the savage swipe of a four-meter abnormal with claws, and both her and Levi move with a stiffness that wasn’t there before, born of months spent wearing a harness fastened far too tightly. Farlan never mentions any of this to them, knows the argument it would cause if he tried to stop them, but still he can’t stop himself from worrying about them, wondering with every expedition if this will be the one where they don’t come home.

For the most part he can stay busy enough to keep that awful thought out of his head. Jan’s presence helps a lot, but so do Eren’s letters. How the kid manages to keep up his volume of correspondence in between his training days Farlan will never know, but he’s grateful nonetheless. The kid’s doing well, as are Armin and Mikasa, and Farlan looks forward to every letter when it comes, every other week. Eren tends to fluctuate between sending letters to them as a group and individually and Farlan’s careful not to let on that he receives letters from Eren that are addressed solely to him because he knows Isabel would hound him to divulge their contents until she was blue in the face.

Mostly the letters are the same, with the occasional funny anecdote or interesting recollection of something that happened in training. But lately Eren’s letters have changed, from the sweet well wishes that eased Farlan’s way through the worst of his recovery, to something different. At first Farlan couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but after some thought he’d finally figured out that the letters he’s reading are no longer being written by an overexcited teenager, but by a mature young adult.

Eren’s seventeen by now, Farlan realises with a jolt, partway through his final year as a cadet, and it won’t be long before he’s joining them here at HQ. Farlan feels a little sick at the prospect, but who is he kidding? There was no way any of them would have been able to convince Eren not to join, just like Levi had been unable to sway Isabel once she’d made the decision. Kid’s a fighter through and through and though Farlan worries for him, he knows Eren would never be happy to remain inside the walls. Levi and Isabel are the same. Though every expedition exhausts them, they’re eyes always seem brighter once they’ve been outside.

The illusion of freedom is intoxicating.

The main reason that Farlan keeps Eren’s letters a secret, however, is because more often than not Eren’s confiding in him about things Farlan has promised himself he will never repeat. He likes Eren a lot, considers him one of the precious few friends he has, and for some reason the kid’s latched onto Farlan like he’s an older brother. Farlan doesn’t mind, actually quite likes that Eren sees him that way, it just means that he has to deal with Eren’s occasional… problems.

That makes it sound like a chore and it’s not. Not at all. But Farlan doesn’t really know what to advise. The problem is, purely and simply, Levi. When is he _not_ the problem, honestly? Bastard’s prickly as shit and so fucking rude and Farlan loves him like a brother, obviously, but he just cannot understand why Eren’s so…

Well. That’s the issue.

Way back when, Eren had come to Farlan for advice about a crush. Farlan had advised him as best he knew how, told him it would pass, that he’d get over it, and Farlan had truly believed that the distance put between them would help Eren to get over his crush a lot quicker than he would have if Levi had stuck around. But with each letter Eren writes, Farlan’s getting more and more convinced that whatever Eren’s feeling… Well, it surpassed “crush” a hell of a long time ago.

If Farlan didn’t know better - and he’s not entirely sure that he does - he’d be inclined to say it sounds like Eren’s fallen in love with Levi. Which makes no sense because Levi is… Levi. But Eren’s smart and he’s a lot more mature than people give him credit for. Even Farlan had been guilty of that because in his head he still sees the exuberant fifteen year old with a temper and a sense of stubbornness so immovable he may as well have been carved from stone. It’s the same way Farlan had seen Isabel until she’d come back from her third expedition, blood-stained and dirty, but grinning with a savage edge of victory in her smile.

The kids done grew up and Farlan’s amused and concerned about it all at once.

They’ve not got long until the kids are graduating and Eren’ll be a proper scout. Farlan’s both dreading and anticipating that day in equal measure, because from the sound of it, Eren’s prepared to tell Levi exactly what he feels the moment they see each other again. It’s not going to go well at all, Farlan knows this for a fact. But Levi likes the kid, is fond of Eren in a way he’s not fond of many others, so at least he can be confident that Levi will let the kid down gently. He just doesn’t really want to see Eren looking miserable. The kid’s got that kicked puppy look down, honestly.

On another, lighter note, it also seems like their dear Eren’s a little jealous. He’s mentioned it offhand in his latest letter, which Farlan is reading now, sat on the grass with Jan while Isabel and Levi and a handful of other scouts run through some gear drills while the evenings are still long and light. Farlan rereads the passage again, snickering softly, and though Jan looks over curiously he knows better than to ask by now what Eren’s written.

He’s asking about Petra.

Farlan looks up at the group of scouts, at Levi who’s swinging lazily from branch to branch, anchors carrying him like he’s part of the gear. Isabel’s hanging upside down, showing off like the little shit she is, while Petra and Eld laugh at her from the ground. Farlan shakes his head. Trust Eren to catch the wrong end of the stick and run with it. Farlan is, of course, going to put the kid out of his misery, but he thinks he’ll be forgiven for finding the whole thing deeply amusing for the time being.

Eren thinks Petra’s got her eye on Levi. And maybe she had, at first, it’s not like Farlan would have known considering he spent the better part of six months stuck inside the fucking infirmary. But no, Eren doesn’t have anything to worry about from her. Because it’s not Levi Petra’s got her eye on.

It’s Isabel.

And _no one else has figured it out yet_. Which is honestly the funniest shit Farlan has ever seen in his life. Isabel thinks Petra’s into Levi, Levi thinks Petra’s into him and is desperately trying to avoid ever having to address it, but he doesn’t realise that the only reason Petra hangs around him is because she’s a nice fucking person who genuinely likes him, but also because she wants to spend time with Isabel and the two of them are never far from each other. Farlan’s been watching them all carry on like stupid teenagers and cackling to Jan about it the entire time. Jan keeps telling him that he’s awful for laughing at his friends’ distress and that he should tell Levi and Isabel the truth of the situation, but Farlan’s too busy enjoying the whole thing to say anything about it. Yet.

He’ll put them out of their misery eventually.

But he’ll start with Eren first.

“I’m surrounded by idiot kids,” Farlan says, opening his notebook to start writing his latest reply. “Honestly, Jan, I can’t believe how stupid they are. Look at the way Petra’s looking at Isabel, and Isabel thinks she’s into _Levi_. Idiots, the lot of them. You and I were the picture of novel-worthy romance. No useless pining, no miscommunication. Why can’t they be like us?”

Jan hums. “I distinctly remember you giving Isabel notes to pass to me about how much you liked me because you were too scared to tell me yourself.”

Farlan’s ears burn red. He clears his throat, hiding behind his notebook. “How strange, I’ve gone inexplicably deaf.”

Jan laughs, soft and sweet, which eases Farlan’s embarrassment considerably. “You really should tell Isabel that Petra likes her. Think of how embarrassing it’s going to be when Levi attempts to tell Petra that he doesn’t like her that way? They’ll never recover.”

Farlan snorts. “You telling me that isn’t going to get me to talk to them any faster. Are you kidding? I’ll die laughing if that happens.”

“You’re awful,” Jan tells him, too fondly to really be counted as a reprimand. Farlan snickers to himself. “I mean it, Far. You really should say something.”

“I will!” Farlan insists. “...Eventually. Come on, let me have my fun. I’ve earned it, haven’t I?” He gestures to his prosthetic, stretched out in front of him on the grass. Jan eyes him disapprovingly.

“You can’t use that as an excuse forever.”

“Not forever, but I’m definitely going to use it while I can.”

“Awful,” Jan repeats, poking him. “And if you don’t say anything, I’m going to.”

“Okay, okay.” Farlan pouts at him. “Spoilsport.”

Jan shakes his head, fond, and Farlan can’t resist leaning over to steal a kiss before returning to his letter. Isabel wolf-whistles at them from the training ground and Farlan flips her off with a grin.

It’s been a long road, honestly, but they’ve come further than Farlan ever believed they would. Next up on his list, though, is definitely a garden.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u for ur time do u perchance have the time to listen to the good word? *i raise my bible but it's just a single peace of paper with Isabel/Petra scribbled on it in pink crayon* 
> 
> FELLAS THIS PAIRING IS GOD TIER AND THERE IS N O T H I N G ABOUT IT BECAUSE THEY "NEVER MEET IN CANON" AND "ISABEL'S DEAD BEFORE PETRA'S EVEN INTRODUCED" BLAH BLAH BLAH
> 
> AS IF DEATH COULD STOP ME. I DIDN'T GO THROUGH ALL THE EFFORT OF UN-DEATHING ISABEL AND FARLAN FOR NOTHING!!!!


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOOPS-A-DAISY

Sunrise is fast becoming Levi’s most favourite time of day. There’s a lot to be said for the calming repetition of a habit, especially in the quiet moments before the day truly begins, where he can sit and watch the horizon glow golden and enjoy a freshly brewed cup of tea, alone with his thoughts and replete in his own company. The scent of dew and the dawn’s light rainfall is still present in the cool air and Levi inhales deeply, enjoying the way the scent of his tea mingles with the freshness of the early hour.

He’s interrupted by light footfalls on wet grass, but it’s a gait he recognises so he doesn’t turn away from the sunrise, not until Isabel murmurs a sleepy “mornin’,” and he turns to look at her, all sleepy eyes and ruffled clothes, cropped hair sticking out at every possible angle. The short hair is a recent development and he almost misses her pigtails, but the shorter length does suit her, makes her look older, somehow.

She shuffles over to Levi’s bench, yawning widely, and plops down beside him, leaning heavily against his side. She’s warm and smells like sleep and Petra’s perfume, though Levi doesn’t mention it for fear of shattering the peaceful moment and embarrassing her unfairly. Later, maybe, he’ll tease her, but for now he’s content to enjoy the sunrise with her.

“Petra still asleep?”

Isabel hums, a sweet smile drifting lazily over her face. It's still so new for her, this fragile, tender thing that's formed between her and Petra, and though Levi doesn't understand it, it makes Isabel happy so he's wholeheartedly in support of it. “Mm, surprisingly. She’s never normally up after me.”

“And you're out here instead?” Levi tugs a lock of her messy hair. “You’ve got someone waiting for you, someone to wake up next to. Go back to sleep, the hell’s wrong with you?”

Isabel’s smile widens and she elbows him lightly. “I could hear you thinking all the way from my bunk. Something’s different about you this morning. You seem… happy.”

Levi rolls his eyes. “I’m not miserable all the fucking time. This is just how my face works.”

Isabel pokes him in the cheek. “You say that. But right now? You’re smiling.”

He is and he can’t even deny it. Doesn’t particularly want to, really. It’s a small smile, big enough for him, and it feels unfamiliar on his face but not unpleasant. He’s got plenty to be happy about, for once. In less than two weeks he’ll be in Trost, seeing faces he hasn’t seen for over a year now. It’s been too long and Levi’s looking forward to it, has been all fucking year, it feels like.

“Oh my god,” Isabel says, grinning in earnest now. “You really are happy.” She rests her head on his shoulder, looping an arm around his. “You know what you’re gonna say when you see him?”

Levi snorts. “Nothing. I’m gonna kick his ass. I just know the idiot’s still gonna join the scouts.”

“At least we can keep an eye on him?”

“Great, more babysitting duty.”

“You love it.”

Debatable. But Levi’s still going to hassle Erwin about getting Eren and the others put in his squad. He’s yet to use his steadily increasing authority for his own gain and he reckons that exerting his newfound power to get the kids put under his watch is a great way to use it. He doesn’t trust anyone else to look out for them right. It might smack of preferential treatment, but who gives a shit? Levi’s earned himself a little leeway, he thinks. And regardless of the lines of professionalism getting a little blurred, Eren would thrive under Levi’s command.

Yeah. Levi’s definitely going to petition for Erwin to give him the new kids. It’s not really babysitting if it’s your friends.

“Can’t wait,” Isabel mumbles, still trying to shake off the vestiges of sleep. “It’s been so long…”

Levi hums in mild agreement. It really has been far too long and he fucking misses the brats, god help him. He wonders how much they’ve changed, since they last saw each other, whether Eren’s gotten taller, if Mikasa’s lost that ratty fucking scarf, if poor Armin’s gotten a better haircut. Eren’ll be graduating as one of the top ten, Levi got that letter a while back and Eren’s joy had been palpable. Levi’s pleased for him at the same time he’s pissed as all hell. The kid could have the cushiest life in the interior as an MP, yet he’s going to throw it all away. Levi’ll never admit it, but he’s actually kind of proud of Eren for that. Kid knows what he wants, always has, and honestly? Levi’d lose a hell of a lot of respect for Eren if he sided himself with those privileged interior assholes.

“I’ve missed them,” Isabel mumbles, halfway to drooling into Levi’s shirt. It’s testament to his good mood that he doesn’t shove her off.

“Yeah,” Levi murmurs instead, risking a quick kiss to the top of her head while she’s too sleepy to notice. “Me too, for some fucking reason.”

Isabel mumbles a sleepy laugh and Levi turns his gaze back to the honey-gold horizon, confident that the next few weeks are going to be good ones.

He really should have fucking known better.

* * *

Overnight expeditions are a rare thing for scouts to undertake, no matter that the titans are inactive at night, they don’t tend to have the manpower necessary towards the end of expeditions to allow for it. By the end of the day, they usually return to the wall Rose, exhausted, bloodied, bruised, all manner of unpleasantness, so there really isn’t much an overnight expedition can yield that would make the excursions worth it. Hanji disagrees, obviously, and when Hanji disagrees with something people usually tend to go along with them. Not always because they _are_ categorically insane, but for the most part what they have to say is worth listening to, so Levi’s usually one of the first people to side with them on any given occasion.

Erwin places a great deal of trust in those he commands, which Levi hadn’t been expecting. He’s pretty sure the only reason Erwin pays him any sort of attention is because Levi’s worth almost an entire garrison by himself, which makes a contrived sort of sense, even if Levi’s not particularly favourable toward the notion. He doesn’t _mind_ being useful, would rather be considered that instead of dead weight, but he knows that as soon as his usefulness ends he’ll be dropped almost immediately.

Or maybe that’s the paranoia talking.

Whatever. Erwin’s not as bad as Levi had assumed at first. It’s taken a lot to get Levi to this point, almost a dozen expeditions, truth be told, but Erwin’s an exemplary Commander, even if he is a bit of an underhanded bastard. He’s not unkind, can actually be rather compassionate when the mood strikes him, but _only_ when the mood strikes him. For the most part he’s all business and is a Commander first before he is a person, but he never treats his men like they’re expendable - which they are, there’s no denying it - unless the situation desperately calls for him to make that decision. To his credit, he keeps a level head no matter the situation, even when things go to shit fast. So far he’s seen the meagre ranks of the scout regiment through eleven expeditions and counting, and every time they never lose as many soldiers as they had on that first expedition.

The long-distance enemy scouting formation is a godsend, honestly. But that may be giving Erwin too much credit. The man’s got a brilliant mind, but he’s not god. He’s too flawed for that. Too ambitious. He keeps himself tightly in check and doesn’t let his ambition risk the lives of his men when he can avoid it, but Levi’s seen him in action, has seen him make the calls that will ensure the survival of the many over the lives of the few. Levi had seen that in him from day one; the potential inside him that would allow him to callously sacrifice a handful of lives to ensure the safety of the rest of them. At the time Levi had hated that about him, hadn’t trusted it.

Now… Well, Levi’s been in the sorts of situations where he and his comrades have been part of the many whose lives have been saved by the deaths of the few. He still hates that there ever needs to be a time for anyone to make such a call, but now that he’s lived through it multiple times he finds he can’t judge Erwin as harshly as he’d have once liked to. Ultimately it doesn’t really make much difference to Levi, his morals have never existed in black or white, have always loitered firmly in a muddy grey area, but it still stings when you know the only reason you’re still alive is because a titan grabbed the scout who let you ahead of them in line for breakfast before you left instead of you.

Levi learned pretty quickly that the only way to deal with survivor’s guilt was to get good at killing titan’s and get good _fast_. It’s unnerving how quickly Levi took to the task, but he never expected anything else, not really. He’s unrivalled with the gear, Isabel close behind but still not quite touching him, and he wields his blades with unerring confidence and accuracy. He’s fucking good at what he does and all the while he remains as such, the deaths of his comrades won’t mark his conscience.

Which is why he’s become Erwin’s go-to soldier for whatever hair-brained schemes Hanji’s managed to cook up next.

Hence the overnight expeditions.

It’s fucking suicide is what it is. That had been Levi’s first response, at least, a gut reaction aversion to their suggestion before he’d even heard the explanation. Using gear out on the flat plains of wall Maria’s overgrown grasslands is nigh on impossible during the day, with nothing to reliably anchor onto except the occasional tree and titan flesh. Adding darkness to the mix was just begging for slaughter. But Hanji had explained that titans were far less active at night, the only exceptions being the most abnormal of abnormals, and Levi had very slowly come around to the idea.

The goal for that expedition was for a small team to venture out, to establish a forward station past one of the old villages roughly sixty kilometers out from Trost’s southernmost point. That’s all their expeditions have been, really. Trying to reclaim small pockets of land, creating a pathway of mustering points in an attempt to create some sort of relay between Rose and Maria. They’ve yet to even make it a third of the way to Maria, but they’ve been able to establish a half-dozen or so stations to dock supplies at so they can venture further with each subsequent expedition.

The idea of travelling at night, though, is still not an appealing one, even though Levi’s starting to see the logic in it. The plan - as Hanji tells it - would be to dispatch the contingent at dusk, to reach the village by midnight and then spend the day fending off any marauding titans until they can venture further the next night, then the next. It gives them an edge they don’t normally have - lethargic titans during their active nighttime hours, buildings to anchor on to make 3DMG maneuvering easier, all things that will help them in the long run. And there’s the added bonus that whatever forward stations they establish will remain untouched by titans because unless there’s humans in it, they don’t really give a shit about destruction of property.

Levi eventually agrees to Hanji’s proposal, but with the proviso that he’s allowed to complain about it the entire time.

He’s allowed to select the team to take with him, too, which is… new. So far Levi’s been beholden to Hanji and Erwin’s authority, Hanji because they’re his section commander, Erwin because he’s… well, everybody’s Commander. And Levi’s never really given a shit about the chain of command, but he’s able to follow orders when it suits him and so far it has. Not since Flagon has he ever disobeyed an order and maybe - _maybe_ \- he’s still slowly working through the guilt that had reared its ugly head after his disobedience had been the thing to effectively cement Flagon’s ultimate demise. Levi’s still not a fan of authority, but… Well. He tries not to think about it.

Being able to choose his own team is pretty good, though. Hanji won’t be joining them on the expedition which is rather unexpected considering it’s their fucking idea in the first place, but Erwin doesn’t want to risk more of them than he has to in case this all goes south and out of all the scouts Levi’s probably the only one who can pull it off. So Levi gets his own back for _that_ particular slight and picks the best team he’s able to. Isabel, of course, then Petra. Eld, Gunther, Oruo. Levi picks all five of their best because if Erwin thinks telling Levi that he has to fly without a supervising commander because “he doesn’t want to risk personnel unnecessarily” isn’t going to get Levi’s back up, then Levi’s going to pick the best of their regiment and flip Erwin off the minute his back is turned.

And also to his face.

Perks of being the best in the corps is that Levi never gets written up for insubordination. It’s a pretty good set up, all things considered. “All things” being “potential death via titan”.

Well, Levi’s made it through eleven expeditions so far. With any luck, twelve won’t be the one where his luck runs out.

* * *

It’s bizarre to be preparing to set out when the sun’s just starting to set, but thankfully Levi’s never kept the healthiest of sleep schedules, so at least he’s not fucking exhausted. He’d been able to nap fitfully from midnight until around noon, which is a hell of a lot more sleep than he usually manages to get, so he’s not complaining, but the rest of his temporary squad aren’t in the best of moods. They’re still ready to go and know better than to complain, but Levi wouldn’t blame them if they did.

They’ll be taking a cart with them, plus two extra horses in case of any unforeseen issues, laden with fuel canisters and spare blades, a few dehydrated ration packs as well. Anything that won’t spoil and will be useful for subsequent expeditions. Hanji’s been thorough and Levi hadn’t really expected anything less but it’s nice to have the evidence there all the same. Eld and Oruo will be manning the cart and its horses while Levi takes point, Petra and Isabel watching the flanks while Gunther brings up the rear and watches their six.

All in all, they’re as well prepared as they’re going to get and Levi’s definitely pleased with his selection of teammates. Things aren’t even that awkward with Petra - which Levi is _never_ going to forgive Farlan for, the son of a bitch - especially not with Isabel around. And speaking of the bane of Levi’s existence, the man himself has made an appearance to see them off, standing side by side with Jan who’d had the decency to apologise on his asshole boyfriend’s behalf, but even that hadn’t been enough to cool Levi’s ire entirely. Farlan had wisely made himself scarce for the next few days, because Levi was absolutely prepared to undo all the progress he’d made over the past few months by finishing the titan’s fucking job for it. He hadn’t, obviously, but _god_ he’d wanted to.

He doesn’t dignify Farlan’s presence with any sort of response, ignores his frantic waving in favour of checking his horse’s tack and remains fully intent on ignoring him until they get back to teach him a lesson.

“You’re being childish,” Isabel tells him, fastening the last knot on the cloth covering over their supply cart. “You can’t ignore him forever.”

“I can try,” Levi mutters, scowling briefly in Farlan’s direction. Farlan beams at him, fluttering his fingers in a coy wave. Levi considers throwing something at him. A rock, maybe. Or Isabel. Anything to knock that stupid smug smile off his face.

It hadn’t been _that_ bad, but it was still more embarrassment than Levi’s ever wanted to experience in his life. He doesn’t _get_ embarrassed, it’s not something he’s ever really had to experience, not on his own behalf, anyway. Isabel and Farlan have done their fair share of embarrassing shit that has mortified Levi by proxy, but he’s always been rather lucky in that he doesn’t tend to do stupid shit to make a fool of himself.

And it’s not like he was the only one who thought Petra had her eye on him. Isabel did, too. Though that isn’t nearly as comforting as Levi wants it to be, and what had ultimately transpired was quite possibly the most mortifying conversation Levi’s ever had to endure in his life. He’d taken Petra quietly aside a few weeks ago, intending to let her down gently, and she’d gone all wide-eyed and laughed softly - though not unkindly, which had been _worse_ somehow - and told him that he was mistaken. She’d flushed right to the tips of her ears and told him that it was Isabel she was interested in and Levi… Well, he’s not ashamed to admit he’d actually considered leaping out of the nearest window.

Relieved hadn’t been a strong enough word, but the mortification of being wrong and subjecting himself to that humiliation had been _awful_ and Farlan, the absolute bastard, had known the actual state of things the entire fucking time. He’d just decided to watch them all make fools of themselves for his own enjoyment. And yeah, maybe Levi would’ve done the same in his position, but that’s no fucking excuse.

All’s well that ends well, though. Levi’s got a fucking good team of people he can trust to pull their weight and watch his back and… He’s never seen Isabel this happy before.

Farlan, though, can fucking spin on it, the bitch.

“Levi, you’re pouting,” Isabel says, grinning. “It’s not that _bad_ , don’t be such a baby--” She squawks when Levi makes a quick turn in place, smacking her in the hip with the left scabbard of his gear. “Uncalled for!”

“Your face is uncalled for,” Levi says, sniffing. “Get on your fucking horse, we move in five.”

“Absolute fucking infant,” Isabel mutters, mounting her horse. She turns once in the saddle, waving wildly in Farlan and Jan’s direction. “Bye, Farlan! Bye, Jan! Love you! Levi’ll stop being a little bitch by the time we’re back!”

“Hope so!” Farlan calls, waving at them. “Love you! Stay safe!”

Levi sighs and offers a vague wave in spite of himself. Bad luck to part on bad terms and they need all the luck they can get out there. Which is why Levi still has that fucking ruined letter in his jacket pocket, tucked away safely beneath his cape. Eren’s good luck charm has served him well so far. He’ll have to ask the kid to write him another one.

And that’s something to look forward to, at least. Once this expedition is over, they’ll have a good four weeks before the next and two of those weeks Levi and the others have requested as leave which Erwin had happily granted them. They’ll be going into Trost the following week for the 104th’s graduation and for the first time in over a year, Levi’ll get to see the brat in person.

He’s not too proud to admit it’s literally the only thing he’s looking forward to right now. He takes a savage sort of delight in the expeditions, sure, that’s the best way to cope with the horrors you see out there; take pleasure in the slaughter of titans and tally scores with your comrades. But the one thing Levi’s been looking forward to for months now is the cadets’ graduation. He knows it’s coming right before Eren makes the stupid decision to join them, but Levi can’t actually get over how badly he wants to see all three of the brats they left behind. Eren’s letters have been enough to tide him over in the meantime, but he really wants to see how the past year and a half has treated Eren and his friends.

If the kid’s gotten taller, Levi’s going to kill him.

He’s close to pushing eighteen by now, which is fucking bizarre to think about. Levi had been unsure about the date of the kid’s birthday until recently, which was fine, Levi’s the same and doesn’t mark the day, but Isabel had wanted to send him something nice for his eighteenth now that they have the funds available to do so and Eren had been less than forthcoming about it. Mikasa hadn’t, though, and had told Levi it was March thirtieth, which… Had been a little shocking. The last time Levi had seen the kid had been on his fucking birthday and he hadn’t said a word about it. They’d parted and haven’t seen each other since and Levi promised himself that he’d do something nice for the kid’s next birthday.

“Something nice” is not, however, a concept Levi is familiar with. Thank god he has Isabel and Farlan honestly because Levi hadn’t a clue what to get Eren for his fucking birthday. The only gifts Levi could think of were practical shit, like weapon oil or a nice whetstone and shit like that. Isabel had told him, in no uncertain terms, that he was shit at gifts and told him to get Eren a nice leather bound journal and a set of pencils. Levi had blanched at the idea, but Isabel had been insistent so he’d ultimately given in.

It wasn’t much and Levi hadn’t been that pleased with the gift, but then he’d remembered at the last moment that Eren had asked for some nice soap of all things, way back when in the compound showers, a conversation Levi recalls simply because he’d remembered that stupid little gift package of stolen food Eren had left for him. He’s never forgotten that, not even after all this time, and Levi had promised at the time to send Eren some nice soap as repayment. Now _that_ Levi could do no problem, had picked up a couple nice-smelling bars the last time they’d ventured into Calaneth when Farlan had wanted to test how far he could go with his prosthetic. Levi had spent an almost embarrassingly long time trying to figure out which scent would suit Eren best before settling on a pricey verbena and buckthorn blend. He’d been pretty pleased with himself, confident that the earthy scents would be perfect for Eren and he’d been subjected to a weirdly knowing grin from Farlan for the rest of the afternoon.

Honestly, whatever goes on in that man’s mind is a fucking mystery.

Levi has both gifts, the journal and the soaps, ready to shove into Eren’s hands the moment they see each other again. He’s looking forward to it, won’t even pretend he’s not, but there’s one thing that won’t leave his mind, drifts back in whenever Levi’s thoughts stray towards his friends back at the compound, which is more often than he’d like to admit.

Eren had something important he wanted to tell Levi. Something Farlan _still_ won’t even give him so much as a hint about.

Well, it won’t be much longer and Levi will be able to find out for himself.

* * *

The expedition isn’t just a success, it’s a fucking _victory_.

Levi had known going in that he’d picked the best of the best, but having it proven is so gratifying it’s unreal. Petra, Eld, Oruo, Gunther, they move together like a fucking machine, cooridnated and confident, savage and skilled. Isabel and Levi can hold their own, can predict each other’s movements down to the slightest twitch of intent, but those four are something else. Watching them fight is like watching a fucking dance and even Levi has to admit he’s never seen anything like it.

They establish the forward station without incident, take down two roaming titans before they even know they’re there, and the night passes without a singe problem either, the six of them sleeping in shifts during the day until dusk falls again and they can proceed to the next village, twenty kilometers out to the west. They proceed like that for three days, docking supplies at each outpost for the next expeditions to utilise, laying down groundwork for their comrades when they need it and with every titan they take down, Levi’s mood rises until he’s so fucking proud of his team that he can’t actually stop himself from smiling. Not where they can see, but after Petra and the others fell their sixth titan without a scratch, he just can’t help it.

They establish six forward stations before they have to return. They’ve covered more ground with their small special operations unit than the scouts have been able to cover since the wall fell. Erwin will be pleased, Hanji will be fucking _ecstatic_ , and the scouts will have several fall back points for future expeditions if things go sour, which will further improve their survivability.

Levi couldn’t have asked for a better result.

Well, he could, he could have gotten _anything_ else and been fine with it, but no. Erwin fucking shits _all_ over their victory on their return to Calaneth District, where the scouts are stationed temporarily to receive them, by giving Levi a fucking _promotion_.

It’s bullshit is what it is, but Levi can’t refuse, not without undermining Erwin’s authority in front of the entire corps and, what’s worse, the bastard Commander knows it. Levi’s never wanted his own command, never wanted the responsibility that comes with it, the lives he’ll be directly responsible for, but he has it and he’s backed into a fucking corner with it. He accepts, through gritted teeth, and is saddled with the title of “Captain”, which tastes bitter on his tongue and grates on his nerves whenever anyone uses it.

“Fine,” Levi tells Erwin and his stupid fucking eyebrows, “but I want those five and those five only.” He gestures to his team. “That’s my squad.”

“I wouldn’t dream of separating you,” Erwin says like he’s doing Levi a fucking favour. “How could I when you deliver such exemplary results?”

Levi scowls at him and Erwin smiles politely right back. God fucking damn it, how is it possible to hate someone and respect the shit out of them at the same time? Levi’s now convinced that this was a ploy from Erwin the entire time; the excuse he needed to push Levi into a position of authority, to use him the way he’d intended from the start.

Levi can’t even fucking fault him for it. In his position, Levi would do exactly the same thing.

Doesn’t mean he has to fucking like it, though. He opens his mouth to tell Erwin as much, because he’s never held back on telling Erwin exactly what he thinks of Erwin’s bullshit at any given moment, but is stopped by the sound of thundering hoofbeats fast approaching their little band of idiots still gathered by the gates. Erwin turns, brow furrowing and Levi’s neck prickles with inexplicable unease.

He really should have fucking known better. He let his guard down. This is on him.

Because it’s a well-known fact that when one part of your life is going well, the rest of it falls _spectacularly_ to shit. And that catastrophe comes in the form of a wall garrison messenger, speeding down the cobblestone street toward them on a bay charger, panic etched into every line of his face. He’s young, perhaps a year or so older than Levi, and his face is ashen from what Levi can see from this far away.

“Commander Erwin!” The soldier gasps, panting like he’s the one who’s been galloping, rather than the horse. Erwin’s at his side in an instant, all business, despite the fact that they’ve gathered a hell of a crowd of curious onlookers already.

“Calm down,” Erwin instructs, reaching a hand out toward the kid. “What is it, soldier?”

The kid shakes his head, fear painted across his face. “I need you-- We need the scouts-- We need you in--” He swallows hard. “You must come to Trost at once, sir! Commander Pyxis is requesting the scout regiment’s immediate assistance!”

“For what reason?” Erwin asks. “Come down, soldier, before you fall out of your saddle.”

The kid, surprisingly, obeys, slipping off his horse like all his bones have melted. Isabel darts forward from Levi’s side to catch him, because Erwin’s definitely not the sort to catch a toppling soldier, no matter how nice he can act when it suits him. Isabel rights the kid before he can hit the stones, pulling one of his arms around her shoulder.

“I’ve gotcha,” she murmurs soothingly. “You did good, riding all this way.”

“Quite,” Erwin says, eyes hard. “Now, please. Your message?”

“Trost,” the kid finally manages to stutter out, legs trembling as much as his lips. “We-- it’s a bloodbath, Sir--” He glances at Isabel. “Ma’am. Sir and Ma’am. I’m s-sorry, I can’t--”

“Breathe,” Erwin reminds him impatiently and Levi edges closer, the first stirrings of dread coiling low in his gut. “What do you mean, a bloodbath?”

The kid swallows hard, looking up at Erwin with tear-filled eyes. “The titans have broken through the wall. It’s just like-- Just like Maria all over again! We were overrun in minutes! The city’s been lost!” The tears spill over and Isabel can do nothing to soothe him this time, is staring at him with an expression of horror that has only intensified the more the kid speaks.

Trost… overrun? It’s not possible. Levi can’t believe it-- _won’t_ believe it. Not until he’s seen it with his own eyes.

“When?” Levi asks, voice faint to his own ears, as through he’s hearing himself speak from a distance. The kid’s terrified gaze darts to him and Levi repeats himself, tone harsh. “ _”When_ , soldier?”

The kid flinches. “Not long past sunrise. The cadets were assisting the wall garrison and even with their numbers, we couldn't spare a single soldier. The titans overrun half the city’s ranks in an hour. The cadets, too.” He sobs, covering his face with his hands. “So many dead… The cadets… They were all but wiped out. Less than half of them survived.”

“Mount up,” Erwin says, before the kid is even finished and the assembled scouts hurry to obey. The gathered townspeople are whispering, panicked, terrified, but Levi can’t hear them over the sound of his blood pounding in his ears.

“Levi,” Isabel says, voice barely audible over the rushing of his blood. She grabs his arm, face white. “Levi, the cadets…”

“No.” His voice is harsh, unsteady. “Don’t fucking say-- Don’t fucking say a word.”

“But--”

 _”No.”_ Levi yanks his arm out of her grip, turns to mount his own horse. “We get to Trost, then worry about everything else.”

This can’t be happening. The kids were meant to graduate today. They were meant to join the scouts, not see the same fucking thing happen to them all over again. Shiganshina, then Trost, and a thousand lives lost each time. And this time… They would have had to fight. They have the training, they have the gear. The cadets would have been mustered for battle the moment the titans broke through. Fighting for their lives on the front line.

Levi was supposed to be watching out for them the first time they faced down titans. _It wasn’t supposed to happen like this._

“Gin, Schultz,” Erwin barks, mounting his own horse. “To HQ. Muster every single scout still stationed there, ready them for deployment the moment you reach Trost.”

“Sir!” Eld and Gunther shout as one, saluting and spurring their horses into a merciless gallop. Levi watches them go, hands white-knuckled around his own horse’s reins.

“The rest of you - with me,” Erwin says. “Replenish your gas at the gates and prepare for battle.”

“It’s a three hour ride,” Isabel says hollowly. “We won’t make it in time.”

“With luck, the garrison will prove enough of a distraction that Trost’s inner gate won’t be breached before we arrive,” Erwin says. “That is all we can hope for.”

Isabel looks horrified. “But the cadets--”

“Have trained for this, Miss Magnolia,” Erwin says evenly. “All we can do is ride and hope we can get there before it becomes a massacre.”

_Before it becomes a massacre._

It wasn’t meant to happen like this.

“Scouts, move out!” Erwin bellows.

All Levi can do is follow.

They might already be too late.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not gonna rehash the whole siege of Trost because... well, we all know how it went down and I'm not here to do a play by play of what we already know. Nothing really changes from the original plot here, so it's just what was narratively interesting for me to include.

Trost falls while Eren dreams.

Snapshots of a life half lived drift through Eren’s mind in snatches and waves, intangible until they’re not, more sensory than coherent. If he concentrates, he can just about manage to close his fingers around the strongest, most vibrant recollections and pull them close, losing himself in moments that feel like they belong to someone else. He has to do it, though, because lost here among memories there is no pain, no anger. Just the cool sense of a half-remembered life that might never have been real at all.

_He sees his mother, father. Their home in Shiganshina. He sees Mikasa, cheeks round with youthfulness and eyes far older than the rest of her. He sees Armin, the same as always, but shorter and brighter, before he lost his family. Days spent roaming the streets of their hometown, causing trouble, laughing, playing, fighting, crying. Eren drifts through that life like a spectre and dreams, softly._

_His mother dies, legs crushed beneath the ruins of their home and no matter how hard Eren tries he cannot lift the beam pinning her down. His palms are bloody and her last words are full of terrified anger. _Why can’t you listen to me for once in your life?_ Hannes’ arms are a vice around Eren’s waist and he will never forgive him for stealing Eren from his mother, for leaving her to die. The last gift she gives Eren is a smile, tearful, relieved that her children will live. Then smiling titan teeth crush her spine and Eren cannot look away._

_He is so full of anger. He can hardly breathe with it. He wants to cause so much pain and he hates himself for it but he cannot make the feeling go away. He’s hungry and cold all the time, tired because his furious mind will not let him rest and his bad attitude will not let him share Mikasa’s blanket to help stay the cold. She’s hurting too and he cannot even let himself go to her, to share their pain between them to lessen it. Instead all he can do is rage ineffectually against the world that took everything from him. Armin’s grandpa dies and that is the first time Eren can break through the fury drowning him to offer comfort to his oldest friend. He is selfish. He cannot help it._

_They enlist as cadets and Eren is a failure. The gear won’t work for him, he cannot balance. He’s not smart enough to grasp the nuance of strategy, he can’t even hold his own against the weakest cadets in a fight, limbs too long and clumsy. His body is growing but his mind is not and all through it the rage does not lessen. Where is his father? Dead? He hopes so, is that wrong? Because if his father still lives and hasn’t yet found him, what would that mean? Eren doesn’t know, doesn’t want to think about it._

_Green eyes, red hair, a bright and cheery laugh. Blonde, messy curls, a kind smile. Jet-black bangs, stoic, calculating eyes ringed with shadows. A sharp wit and crude humour. Eren is no longer a failure. Feelings stronger than Eren can name, blooming, fragile, deep inside his chest. Cooler than the anger, more delicate but somehow stronger, too. It pushes the anger aside and Eren is intoxicated by the way that it feels. For the first time in his life the anger fades and he will do anything to keep it at bay._

_A goodbye that isn’t really a goodbye. A promise to himself and to another who doesn’t know it. Grief, overwhelming. Fear and panic, new and bitter, choking him. Then hope, relief, strong and sure. And bolstered by the determination of his friends, Eren graduates fifth in his year and he owes it all to them. Grief and rage become determination and will. A few more days and Eren will be a scout, a soldier, and he will break off his chains, leave the walls, and live. A few more days and Eren will be free._

Eren dies in the blood-soaked streets of Trost, an abrupt and cruel end to a life not even half-lived. And his final act on earth, is to save Armin’s life, to throw him bodily from the maw of a titan and yet, as that same titan’s jaws close and sever Eren’s left arm from his body, he thinks that he could not have chosen a more worthy way to die.

And then _rage_ lights up Eren from within. Supernova, impossible, unspeakable, _uncontainable._ It rips him apart from the heart outwards, destroys him and remakes him and Eren’s world becomes fury and bloodthirst and savagery.

There is nothing left behind but the anger and the pain.

Eren roars a titan’s roar and the world falls away.

...And then the world rushes back in all at once, a maelstrom of sensation that leaves Eren’s fuzzy head pounding a drumbeat behind his eyes. His vision is blurry, his ears won’t stop ringing, and there’s an electric hum hissing beneath his skin, burning white-hot with restless energy. He blinks the fog away, squints through the pain, and the first thing he sees is the crossed-swords emblem of the cadet corps swimming into focus. Black hair, red scarf, drawn blades…

Mikasa.

“Eren?” Armin. _Alive_.

Eren blinks slowly, tries to turn his heavy head, and Armin’s hands come up to grasp his shoulders so tightly it hurts, but sensation is dulled, locked behind that restless burning in his blood and his skin, and Armin is- shaking him. Rather vigorously. And Eren tries to shake him off as a wave of nausea sweeps over him, so overwhelming it feels like his stomach is turning itself inside out. He can’t break Armin’s grip, though, is too weak and _why_ is he weak? Where is he? Why can’t he-

“You have to tell them everything!” Armin begs, shaking him still and close to tears. “Please, Eren, tell them the truth and they’ll understand. They’re just scared, please, Eren.”

Eren glances at him, struggling to swallow down the nausea burning his throat from the inside out, glances up at Mikasa who has her blades still drawn, held up like she’s ready to defend them to the death. Eren stares up at her, at her resolute expression as she turns back to him and the way relief sweeps over her face at the sight of him is- confusing. Everything is confusing, everything is too bright, too loud, and Eren feels so _sick_ all he wants to do is sleep but he can’t because _Armin is still shaking him_.

“Eren, please,” Armin implores, nails biting into Eren’s skin through his shirt. “Tell them, you have to tell them the truth!”

Tell… who?

“Eren,” Mikasa says, voice grave. “Are you alright?”

 _No,_ is the answer but Eren can’t really get the words out right now because Armin’s shaking him so hard he’s liable to bite off his own tongue if he tries to speak. Eren tries shoving Armin away but his muscles tremble instead of flexing, give out like wet paper tearing in half. He tries again, frowns and tries to move away, looks up, but he’s on his knees and he can’t remember how he got here, can’t remember past the pain and the anger and…

There are a dozen soldiers - possibly more, Eren’s clouded mind can’t count them all - surrounding them, fear twisting their faces, eyes wide with terror and disgust and they’re all looking at-

Him.

Why the _fuck_ -

“Cadets Mikasa Ackerman,” Captain Woerman calls, stepping forward from the garrison’s assembled ranks, “Eren Jaeger, and Armin Arlert. The three of you have committed an act of high treason! Whether or not a swift execution is the result depends on you.”

The burn in Eren’s blood is doused instantaneously. Armin tenses beside him and Mikasa raises her blades- Raises her blades against the _entire_ _wall garrison_. She stands immovable, resolute, and panic rears up in Eren’s chest because he knows that look on her face, knows that she’ll strike without hesitation if pushed an inch further, and Captain Woerman is still speaking but Eren can barely hear him.

Treason. What in the walls’ name is he fucking talking about? All Eren can remember… All he can remember is pain. He’d been… The colossal titan had… Out of nowhere… The cadets had been terrified, the advanced squadron overrun. They’d been called to fight, split up and directed and…

Eren had died.

He can smell the memory on Armin’s skin, as close as they are; the hot, acrid stench of titan saliva clinging to his clothes, barely yet dried. Eren’s shirt is much the same, drying stiff in the chill air, drenched with blood and… torn. At the left elbow. And below his knee. He’s missing his boot, too, and the memory slams back into him at full force, the agony as his limb was severed, first the leg, and how he had careened into roof tiles, shattering them with his back. He can still remember the prickle of terracotta in his skin, somehow still breaking through the agony burning up his leg.

And then… his arm. And the titan’s gullet, burning hot and foul-smelling.

How can… How can Eren remember that? How can it have been real? How can he be kneeling here, all limbs, uninjured, yet covered in his own blood and missing scraps of clothing? How can…

“Anything I deem suspicious,” Woerman continues, glaring balefully at the three of them and interrupting the panicked swirl of Eren’s thoughts, “will be met with cannon fire. Do not test me.”

Eren glances left, up the wall casting heavy shadow over his back, to the regiment soldiers gathered atop it, manning the cannons that are trained unerringly on them. Three cadets. A garrison against three cadets, staring at Eren like he’s some kind of _monster_. There’s fear and hatred, painted identically across all their faces, all directed and centred on him. He doesn’t understand. What could _possibly_ -

“Eren Jaeger.” Eren looks up, freezing under Woerman’s hard and terrified stare. “What are you?”

What _is_ he? What is that even meant to-

“Human? Or titan?”

Eren’s heart stops.

No.

No.

No. No. No, no, no, _no no no no-_

_No._

It’s not possible, no, there’s no way, he can’t- No. He would never- It’s not- _No._ There’s no way, _no way he can’t be that’s not possible he’s human he’s human he’s human HE’S HUMAN-_

“I don’t understand!” Eren yells it like the words have been ripped out of him, voice broken, strained, cracked raw and bleeding. “Sir- Please, I don’t understand what you’re asking me!”

Woerman’s expression shutters briefly, disbelief warring with disgust and Eren’s stomach drops, his skin prickles and his mind is fractured in every direction all at once. Why are they looking at him? Why ask him that? Why? What happened? What can’t he remember? He’s not- He can’t… He can’t be a…

“Answer me, damn you!” Woerman bellows. “Evasion will get you nowhere! Don’t try to stall with feigned ignorance! You’ll be blown to hell before you can assume your true form!”

Revulsion wells up in Eren’s chest, hot and agonising, tightening it until he can barely breathe. This _is_ his true form, what the hell is Woerman talking about? Eren’s human, he’s _human_ , has been all his life. He has human memories, human feelings. He bleeds, he can die-

Except… He hadn’t died, had he? That titan should have killed him, swallowed him whole. He should be dead inside the belly of that fucking beast, not sitting here with- with two regrown limbs and the saliva of a titan drying on his clothes. He should be dead. He shouldn’t be alive.

_Why can’t he remember?_

“Scores of us saw it happen,” Woerman growls, accusatory. “You emerged from the carcass of a fallen titan in full view of your comrades!” He slashes a hand through the air and Eren flinches back. “A creature of unknown origin, ability or intelligence, has slipped through and infiltrated wall Rose, and that creature is _you_.”

No. Please god, _no_. Eren can’t be… He can’t be the thing he hates. He can’t. What cruel twist of fate can this be that Eren’s under suspicion of becoming the thing he hates most in the world? The very thing that’s stolen _everything_ from him?

Woerman is still speaking, oblivious to Eren’s anguish. “Under the circumstances, you are a threat that I am well within my rights to exterminate! I will not let this situation stand. Every moment I squander mulling over your supposed innocence puts us at further risk from attack by the armoured titan! I’m sorry, but humanity’s fate hangs in the balance. Do you understand? My conscience will not falter to watch you die.”

Eren’s ears are ringing. He’s about to die and his ears won’t stop ringing. But is that so bad? Are they wrong? If Eren really is a… a titan, then… Doesn’t he deserve to die?

But… He had a home… a mother… a father… Were they titans too? If they were… Why did his mother die?

None of this makes sense…

“This may be our best chance.” A soldier, quivering with fear but resolute, steps forward to counsel his Captain. “We’ll expend less firepower while he’s in human form-”

“I wouldn’t.”

Eren starts, head snapping up. Mikasa steps forward, away from him, blades raised ready to strike. Her shoulders are a tense line, body coiled ready to spring and Eren wants to reach for her, to snatch her back and away from the soldiers that want him dead, but Armin holds him fast. “Not while I’m standing here. Unless anyone’s feeling up to the task. In which case, well, I’m happy to demonstrate my own technique. On you and every last inch of your traitorous flesh.”

Eren’s eyes sting. How can she stand there and protect him, risk her life to do so? She must know more, she has to, has to know why it is these soldiers are convinced Eren is a threat, but she won’t move and Eren is terrified for her. If she won’t get out of the way, she’ll die in his place and he cannot allow that to happen.

“Mikasa, you can’t take them all on.” Armin, rational despite his fear and the tears spilling down his cheeks. “Even if you kill a few, there’s nowhere left for you to run.”

Mikasa barely spares him a glance. “Whoever comes at Eren, deals with me.” Her eyes flick to Eren and, inexplicably, soften. “That’s the way it’s always been. That’s the way it will always be.”

Eren’s eyes are burning now. He might be crying, he can’t tell. “Mikasa…”

She manages a smile, for his benefit and _god_. Eren aches with affection for her, but she has to know he cannot allow her to throw her life away for him. It’s not a worthy trade. She’s always been worth more than he is, and he couldn’t live with himself if anything happened to her because of him.

She steels herself and turns away, back to the soldiers desperate to spill their blood. “I'll take on the whole regiment if I have to.”

“No- Mikasa!” Armin lunges, grabs her sleeve. “That isn’t the way- They’re just _scared!_ They don’t understand what’s happening, we can reason with them, I know this isn’t the only way!”

Diplomatic to a fault. Eren wipes a hand over his eyes and it comes away damp. He’s not worth this, not worth any of it, but if he can’t prove his right to life, then they all lose. Those cannons will rip them to shreds in an instant. And if what Woerman is saying is true, Eren will walk away from it. If he can’t die, if he’s a… If he’s a titan hidden inside human flesh…

It’s madness, all of it. But Eren has no choice. He can’t let Armin and Mikasa die for him.

_”I’m human!”_

The shout echoes, then dies. Eren’s throat is left raw from the force of it. It’s the truth, it’s always been the truth. There can be no other answer. He knows what he is. He knows.

Doesn’t he?

A shadow passes over Woerman’s face and Eren knows with sickening certainty that his earnest words have not reached believing ears. From the start the soldiers were prepared to kill them, and this whole bastard scenario was just an attempt at humanity. Eren has no platform here, no right to life. He’s already guilty and he still doesn’t know why.

Woerman’s hand slowly raises. Mikasa turns, sprints for him, and Eren watches her as the world slows to a crawl, as Armin’s body sags and the soldiers raise their hands to cover their ears against the impending explosion of cannon fire.

A matchstick sparks to life inside Eren’s head.

He lunges for Armin, for Mikasa.

Instinct takes over.

He raises his hand.

Sinks his teeth into yielding flesh.

Blood flows, the spark flares, cannons fire.

And Eren’s body rips apart.

* * *

The full might of the scout regiment’s ranks assemble fifteen kilometers away from Trost’s innermost gate, falling onto tight formation around their Commander. Erwin gives no orders and yet is obeyed purely on instinct, Eld and Gunther having passed on the message with great urgency. They form ranks like a living organism, conjoining into a vast unit as they urge their horses faster and faster, speeding at blistering pace towards the wall and Levi hopes with every cell in his body that, when the gate rears up in the horizon, he won’t see a hole in that one, too.

There’s no relief when the gate rises up, unbroken, over the plains of wall Rose. No titans swarming the grounds, which means the gate has held. As they near, swarms of terrified people can be seen gathered around the gate, families, merchants, carts and animals, all evacuated by the wall garrison, which means the soldiers within have been successful in their attempts to save at least a few hundred from death.

“Up the wall,” Erwin barks to his nearest, Mike and Hanji, who break away to pass the message on without hesitation. Levi watches as every scout readies their gear, unholsters their triggers, unsheathes their blades. He does the same, as does Isabel beside him, and before Erwin can issue the next command, Levi’s anchors are firing and he’s sailing up the wall ahead of his comrades.

He’s not afraid. He can’t feel anything. Even the wind lashing at his cheeks as he rips up the sheer face of the stone wall goes past unfelt. Isabel’s right behind him as always but he can’t even take any reassurance from her presence. Not until they’re up past the wall and he can see exactly what’s awaiting them.

The ascent is agonising, fifty kilometers up, an eternity, and Levi’s heart pounds with every inch, spins as his wires fling him high over the crest. He lands lightly, retracts his wires, and as the scouts all alight beside him in rows, there is no one waiting to meet them.

There’s not a single soldier atop the wall. Below them, Trost is in ruins, cracked, crushed, burning.

Isabel lets out a shaky oath under her breath and Levi knows he should wait for orders, wait for Erwin to assess the situation, but there are titans milling around in the city, shuffling listlessly in the absence of prey. Levi’s grip on his holsters tightens, fingers twitching for the triggers. He wants blood. His entire body is screaming for it; titan blood to be spilt by his blades. He has to get down there, orders be damned. They were called on for immediate assistance and Levi is going to give it.

He’ll tear the broken city even further apart to find Eren if he has to.

Because they’re down there somewhere. Alive- They have to be, Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Levi won’t accept any other outcome. He won’t let the thought take hold, has fought it every step of the way, every thundering hoofbeat since they left Calaneth threatened to let it in but he fought it with all the strength in him.

They have to be alive. And Levi will find them.

He runs for the edge and throws himself into a dive. He doesn’t care if anyone follows, doesn’t care if there’s an immediate demotion following his actions, doesn’t care about any of it. His anchors fly, ripping him up before he can hit the cobblestones, throwing him down ruined streets at a speed that rips at his clothes, his skin, tearing at him as he soars faster than eyes can follow. He leaves everything behind, on top of the wall, becomes a creature of instinct alone, and rips through the nape of every titan unlucky enough to cross his path.

He leaves a steaming trail of corpses in his wake and doesn’t encounter another human until he’s at the ruined southern gate. There are soldiers clustered around on rooftops, along the wall manning cannons, and Levi stops for none of them because there is a fifteen-meter titan below the wall and it’s bearing down on two cadets that Levi recognises with a flash of something that might be fear.

He soars down, a whirlwind of fury, blades raised to rip into the titan’s neck and tear the fucking thing apart.

A wild cry: “Levi!” Frantic and terrified, and his blades meet metal - unexpectedly - and shatter on impact.

Levi is thrown back by the force of the impact, back hitting stone with enough force to wind him. He falls, hits the ground hard, but though his legs jar he doesn’t topple, boots digging into cobbled stone for purchase and fingers bleeding as shards of his shattered sword splinter and tear into his skin. Mikasa, whose blades had parried his own, drops down in front of him, knuckles torn and bloodied from the impact of their collision. She raises her own now-blunted guards to stop him, eyes wide and urgent. The fifteen-meter gives a pitiful gurgle and collapses to its knees, head and neck and wrists steaming in billowing clouds.

“Don’t hurt him,” Mikasa begs, sounding close to tears. “Levi, listen to me.”

The scouts' forces are descending, a hundred strong against a weakened titan. Mikasa speaks quickly, urgently, dropping her triggers to grab Levi’s arm.

“Call them off, Levi! The titan isn’t hostile! It sealed the hole!”

It sealed- But Levi can see, though his brain can’t parse what his eyes are looking at. Adrenaline sings in his blood, screams at him to replenish his blades and strike while the beast is down. But Mikasa won’t let go of his arm, points at the boulder now closing off the ruined remains of Trost’s southernmost gate. Levi looks and sees the evidence but his mind can’t make the leap. Mikasa’s making no sense and she’s injured, a deep gash along her cheek that hasn’t yet stopped trickling blood. She’s even paler than usual, exhausted but resolute and Levi wants to demand an explanation, but the scouts are closing in and they don’t have time. Not if she wants to keep the bloody beast alive.

“Call them off, Levi!” She begs, clutching his arm tight enough to bruise. “You have to-- It’s _Eren!”_

Levi stares at her. Stares and can’t stop, because she’s making no fucking sense, she’s concussed or worse, has to be. And the scouts are descending, Isabel ahead of them, and her blades are drawn and flashing in the light of the setting sun, and Mikasa turns and _screams_ as Isabel’s unerring blades find the nape of the titan’s neck, splitting it open in a burst of steam and blood. Mikasa screams like it’s her flesh that’s been pared, sagging so abruptly Levi has to lunge to catch her, and as Isabel’s anchors carry her to the ground, the fifteen-meter shudders and falls limp, corpse lolling against the boulder now sealing Trost’s gate.

“What’s going on?” Isabel demands, darting to Levi’s side to help lever Mikasa off the ground. She hauls the girl to her feet, checks her over frantically. “Oh, god, Mikasa, are you alright?”

Mikasa sobs like she’s being torn apart, wild eyes fixed on the rapidly-dissolving titan. Levi can’t look away, can’t move an inch, locked onto the titan that Mikasa had called…

_Eren._

And Levi can’t fucking do anything except fucking stand there, rooted to the spot, as a dozen wall garrison soldiers fly to the ground, Armin among them, but none of them dare approach the titan, even though Isabel’s blow killed it stone dead. Armin’s the only one among them who seems to be able to move freely; anchors his gear hooks into the titan’s shoulders and levers himself up to the steaming, gaping wound in its neck. He fucking delves his hands into the wound, wincing against the steam, and he’s pulling - wrenching - and something comes free with a sickening squelch and both Armin and his bloody cargo tumble to the ground in a slopping pile of viscera.

And Levi can’t understand any of it.

Because Armin’s bloody arms are full of Eren, unconscious, steaming, blood-soaked Eren, who’s missing his forearms from the elbows down. Eren, whose body was just hauled from the corpse of a felled titan. Eren, whose missing arms are steaming and- And reforming in front of Levi’s fucking eyes.

“He’s alive!” Armin cries, clutching Eren close to his chest. Mikasa sobs into Isabel’s chest and Isabel stares at the scene in front of them with an expression of shock so intense Levi’s half-afraid her eyes are going to fall right out of her head.

“What…” Levi swallows, wets his lips, and tries again. “One of you brats want to tell me what the fucking hell it is I’m looking at?”

Armin sobs, head bowed over Eren’s unconscious body. His tears aren’t grief, though, so Levi doesn’t have to unleash hell just yet. The kid’s weeping with _relief_ , of all things, and Levi doesn’t think the world is ever going to make sense again.

Just what in the goddamn fucking hell _happened_ here?


	32. Chapter 32

Isabel bares her teeth at anyone who tries to take Mikasa from her, situates herself firmly between the brats and Eren’s steaming body, and though Levi wants answers more than he’s ever wanted anything in his life, he has no choice but to stand with her, not when the wall garrison are advancing with blades and rifles, with the intent of clapping chains on Eren like he’s some sort of prisoner.

There’s an old man between the five of them and the garrison, though, bearing their insignia and a peaceable smile that’s cunningly deceptive. He introduces himself as Pyxis and waves the garrison away with a dismissive hand, crouching down beside Armin to rest a hand on Eren’s forehead.

“I understand your loyalty,” Pyxis says gently, touching Armin’s shoulder, “but you’re in a precarious position here, young man. Best to let us handle things from here, hmm?”

Armin doesn’t look like he could release Eren even if he wanted to and Levi’s certainly not going to help him, not when the soldiers are staring at Eren like he’s a threat. One of them dares to edge closer and Levi rounds on him with the intent to carve a warning into his fucking skin, but then Erwin’s there, cape rippling, and Levi’s window of opportunity is slammed closed.

“I think explanations are in order, Commander,” Erwin says with a firm salute that Pyxis returns. “But might we get the cadets somewhere safe so they can rest, first?”

“Capital idea,” Pyxis says mildly. “Though unfortunately we will need to detain young cadet Jaeger. We’ve already pushed the tolerance of my men far past breaking point today.”

Erwin nods, eyes fixed on the boulder plugging Trost’s gate. Something manic sparks behind his eyes that prickles Levi’s skin uncomfortably, but at that moment Eren stirs in Armin’s arms and everyone’s attention hones in on him at once. Isabel’s on her knees in a second, pressing the back of her hand to Eren’s feverish forehead. His eyes open for a moment, bleary and unfocused. He mumbles something nonsensical under his breath before falling limp once more.

“In the interests of avoiding an incident, perhaps our young cadet here will release Master Jaeger?” Erwin offers gently. Armin grimaces and slowly loosens his arms from around Eren’s body like it pains him to do so. That might suit the wall garrison, but Levi’s not going to let them get their paws on Eren while they’re armed to the fucking teeth.

“Let me,” Levi says at once, stepping forward to lift Eren from Armin. Relief flashes across Armin’s face and Levi tries to tell him without speaking that it’ll be alright, but he doesn’t even know if that’s true. Aside from the fact that the cadets have seen hell today, Levi still doesn’t fucking know what the hell happened to turn the entire garrison against a fucking teenager. He has his suspicions, obviously, but his mind is actively shying away from them.

Because if he trusts his eyes, then he’ll have to believe that Eren’s a titan. Because there’s no other explanation, even if that one is so fucking insane that Levi can barely stomach it. And he still can’t look directly at Eren’s reforming arms that are still steaming, refuses to believe the evidence his eyes are feeding him. It doesn’t matter that Eren is regenerating like a titan can, it doesn’t matter that Eren fell out of the nape of a titan’s fucking corpse. Until he can speak to Eren, conscious and rational, he’s not accepting anything he’s told. “I’ll go with him.”

Pyxis regards him with interest. “A friend?”

Levi nods once. “Something like that.”

“Captain Levi is my best soldier,” Erwin says smoothly and Levi tries not to grimace at the title that’s still so new. How was that only this morning? “I’m happy to let him accompany your men. If it’s a matter of security, you couldn’t ask for a better soldier to assist you. I’m confident he’ll be able to prevent any issues that might arise from Jaeger’s detainment.”

Pyxis inclines his head. “Glowing praise indeed. I’ve no complaints.” He turns to Mikasa and Armin, the former of which is helping her friend to his feet while Isabel hovers over them anxiously. “If cadet Arlert and Ackerman will follow section commander Dietrich to the barracks where your comrades are stationed, I believe you’ll be able to rest and eat. You’ve served humanity well today.”

“I want to go with Eren,” Mikasa says, eyes hardening. Pyxis, to his credit, doesn’t waver in the slightest.

“Understandable,” he says, “but you three have caused more than enough trouble today, don’t you think?” He says it like he’s fondly chastising a grandchild, no heat whatsoever. “And you must be exhausted. Please trust that no harm will come to Eren. I won’t allow it.”

Armin rests a hand on Mikasa’s shoulder and she relents after a long, tense moment. Levi looks to her, arms cradling Eren who weighs literally nothing and is burning hot to the touch, and nods. If she can’t come with them then Levi will damn make sure that she knows there’ll be someone nearby who’ll keep Eren safe. She gives him a long, pained look, but there’s nothing she can do now, even if she did come. She’s strong, yes, capable, yes, but Eren needs someone nearby who isn’t going to go ballistic the moment his life is in danger. Levi might be just as keen to keep Eren from harm, but at least he can keep a level head.

“Wonderful,” Pyxis says, beckoning a soldier forward. This one, at least, is not brandishing his swords with the intent to maim. “Dietrich, please see Arlert and Ackerman back to base. Commander Erwin, Captain Levi, with me.”

Isabel places a hand on Levi’s shoulder before he can turn away. She doesn’t say anything, not aloud, but Levi catches her meaning well enough. She touches Eren’s face briefly, concern twisting her expression, and Levi nods at her and the others before turning away, ignoring every soldier glaring distrustfully at the unconscious young man in his arms.

Erwin sends his scouts out through the city in a final merciless sweep to clear the surviving titans trapped within but permits Isabel to stay with Armin and Mikasa while Levi stays with Eren. Outside Trost’s northern gate, Pyxis claims a covered wagon for them to take into the interior and Levi settles Eren gently inside it, tucking a blanket beneath his head and draping his own cloak over the boy’s body. Erwin and Pyxis climb inside after them, taking seats at the far end of the wagon while Levi stays knelt by Eren’s head.

They look at Pyxis expectantly, but the Commander simply reaches inside his jacket for a hip flask, taking a long swig before wiping his mouth and offering it to them. Erwin shakes his head and Pyxis shrugs, tucking the flask away.

“Where are we going?” Levi asks quietly, glancing at Erwin, then Pyxis.

“Capital,” Pyxis says, expression twisting with distaste. “Such is the protocol.”

“You have protocols for this kind of shit?”

Pyxis snorts. “Not quite. Though the circumstances are unique, the process is the same. Young cadet Jaeger is a threat, whether his intentions are peaceful or not. He’ll be placed in the custody of the Military Police until his fate is decided. Premier Zackly will be called to preside over his trial. If Eren is deemed guilty, he’ll be sentenced to execution.”

Levi’s eyes narrow. “And if he’s innocent?”

Pyxis hums. “Not a clue. Fascinating, no? There’s no precedent for this sort of thing.”

Fascinating isn’t the word Levi would use, but he doesn’t think Erwin will take kindly to the kind of words he _wants_ to use. “So we’re taking the kid to his death, then?”

“Not quite,” Pyxis says. “I, for one, certainly don’t want to see young cadet Jaeger thrown to the wolves. Regardless of his origins, he saved countless lives today. I don’t care where he’s come from or what his original intentions may have been, he struck a blow against the titans today that humanity shouldn’t ever forget. We would have lost the city without him.”

“So Jaeger was the one who sealed the breach,” Erwin murmurs. “He truly can turn into a titan?”

Pyxis nods. “He seemed rather surprised by his own abilities, which is why I stepped in. Sad to say, though my Captain is an exemplary soldier, his anxious disposition often leaves a lot to be desired. Had I believed the boy to be lying, I’d likely have let the cannons rip him apart, to my shame. But faced with death, he was nothing but earnest. Vowed himself human with tears in his eyes. How could I not believe him?”

So Eren hadn’t known. No, of course he hadn’t. But that creates more questions than it answers. Eren’s a titan in a human body, or maybe a human in a titan body? Levi doesn’t know, he doesn’t _know_ , and he probably never will if Eren’s as clueless as Pyxis believes.

“He hates titans,” Levi says quietly, eyes fixed on Eren’s face, frowning even in unconsciousness. “He’s probably going mad inside his own head.”

“Sadly, I believe you’re right,” Pyxis says gravely. “We threw everything we had at the boy, rather unfairly but we had no other options. Where before we could only scramble out of the city, Jaeger gave us an opportunity to fight back. Not without incident, unfortunately. His titan form is unpredictable, we understand very little and Jaeger understands even less. It will be difficult to convince the MPs to release him. They’ll be lobbying for his execution.”

“It’s in the nature of humans to fear what they don’t understand,” Erwin murmurs.

“Quite right,” Pyxis glances at Eren as the wagon jolts forward and Levi reaches out to steady his head while the horses settle into a steady gait. “I’m sure you have your own questions.”

“Hundreds,” Erwin says. “But perhaps a brief summary will help to narrow them down?”

“Very well.” Pyxis leans over, bracing his elbows on his knees and lacing his fingers together. “Trost was overrun, this you already know, but I have no words for the breadth of destruction that was unleashed on the city. Our advanced team was eradicated in minutes. It became apparent from the start that our only hope was to lay soldiers before the titans to buy the townspeople time to evacuate. From what I was told by cadets Arlert and Ackerman, Eren’s entire quadron was eradicated shortly after the first titans broke through. He was killed - or so we thought - until an abnormal titan emerged and began ripping through every titan it could get its hands on.”

Erwin’s eyes flash with intrigue. “He fought the titans?”

“Viciously so. All accounts detail the same thing. He didn’t touch a human, but his methods for ripping titans limb from limb were rather barbaric. Intelligent, almost. The remaining cadets mustered around him to keep titans from overwhelming him and used him to clear a path to the storage headquarters so the cadets could resupply. It was shortly after that, when Eren’s titan ran out of strength, that the cadets saw his body emerge from the nape. Ackerman and Arlert brought him over the wall and my soldiers accosted them.”

“How many titans did he kill?”

Pyxis hums thoughtfully. “Twenty or so? Sadly, my soldiers didn’t have that information, they were operating on the belief that Eren was some sort of titan spy. Understandable, I suppose, but frustrating nonetheless. A man like yourself would have been able to see the potential there, the way I had. It was lucky I arrived when I did, though cadet Jaeger seemed to have the situation under control. He shifted as the cannons fired and caught the cannon ball before it could destroy them.”

“He can shift on command?”

“Apparently so. No idea how, and shortly after he shifts he seems to lose his senses, but cadet Arlert was able to reach him. There’s much we don’t know, and it’s that dearth of knowledge that the MPs will use to lobby for Eren’s execution. He’s uncontrollable, intelligent, and that’s terrifying. We don’t even know if we _can_ kill him. You’ve seen with your own eyes that he can regenerate.”

“I think it best we speak with Eren beforehand,” Erwin says. “He may know something we don’t, but I’m not banking on it. But I’d like to hear from him what his intentions are.”

“He wanted to be a scout,” Levi says softly. “I trained with him. He was there for the fall of Shiganshina, lost his family. He wanted revenge. That’s all he’s ever wanted. You can speak to him and he’ll tell you the same, I guarantee it.”

“A noble sentiment,” Pyxis says, “but that on its own will not be enough to convince the MPs that he deserves to live.”

“The scouts will take responsibility for him,” Erwin offers. “Surely that has to count for something? If we remove him from the walls, the threat to them is lessened.”

Pyxis shakes his head. “They won’t care about that. He’s an unknown quantity, they won’t just allow him to live, even if you offer to assume responsibility. He’s a threat and they want that threat eradicated, regardless of how well he may serve humanity. In their eyes, the risk outweighs the reward. They’ll want insurance that you can deal with him if he goes rogue.”

“Oh, is that all?” Erwin asks mildly. “Of course we can. Captain Levi would be more than up to the task of dealing with Eren, should the need arise.”

Levi stares at him. “You’re fucking kidding, right? You want _me_ to be the one to kill Eren?”

“I’d prefer you not to kill him at all, but the fact remains that you may be the only one who can, should it come to that.”

“Absolutely not,” Levi snaps. “I’m not killing him. He can run riot and terrorise the entire fucking interior before I’ll raise a blade against him.”

“Well, that’s not reassuring,” Pyxis comments. He is ignored.

Erwin gives Levi a hard look. “Your personal feelings on the matter are noted, Captain. But I’m not _asking_ you to kill him. I’m simply asking you to maintain the farce that you _can_. It may be the only thing that prevents his execution. Surely you can see the logic? If we can convince the MPs that Eren poses no threat under our supervision, then you’ll be saving his life. Without that insurance, your friend is as good as dead.”

Levi swallows. “So you want me to stand in court and testify that I can end his life if I need to.”

“Yes.”

“Will that be enough?”

Erwin considers this. “Not on its own, no. We’ll need some sort of proof. Your kill-count can speak for itself, but without concrete evidence, the MPs will overturn us. I’m willing to present the case that we can reclaim wall Maria with Eren’s assistance, but we’ll need to give the MPs something they can’t refute…” He trails off, brow furrowing. “Let me think, I’ll have an answer for you soon.”

“I’ll keep your confidence,” Pyxis promises. “I, for one, would much rather see Eren live than die. Whatever his origins, he is an asset to mankind. The MPs are too blinded by fear to see that. I trust that you’ll think of something, Commander.” He pauses, considering. “One more thing, I believe it would benefit you to know.”

“I’m all ears, Commander.”

 _All eyebrows_ , is more like it, but Levi keeps that comment to himself. Now really isn’t the time.

“Jaeger spoke of a basement in wall Maria. A memory sparked by his transformation, if I have the right of it. His father seemed to know something of the titans. What, exactly, I do not know, but it’s an angle you could use, if you have nothing else.”

“A basement?” Erwin’s eyes widen slightly. “His father?”

“A doctor, I believe. And you won’t believe this, but apparently doctor Jaeger was found roaming outside the walls by our own Commandant Shadis, a good few decades ago. Before that, his origins are a mystery. Shadis refused to say more when we pressed him, but whether that’s because he knows nothing or deems it unnecessary we’ve yet to determine.”

“We can definitely use this,” Erwin says, and that mania’s back in his eyes, dangerous and unpredictable. “Did Eren say anything else?”

“There’s a key around his neck. More than that, he doesn’t know. But he seemed… Convinced that it was important. I’m inclined to believe him. He has a sort of earnest way about him that you can’t help but listen to when he speaks.”

Yeah, ain’t that the truth? Levi gently moves the collar of Eren’s shirt aside, finding the leather throng there that the kid’s worn all through the time Levi’s known him.

“To me, Levi, please,” Erwin says, holding a hand out for it. “Before the MPs can confiscate it, you understand.”

Levi doesn’t particularly want to but he can see the logic, so he carefully lifts the key from around Eren’s neck, careful not to jostle him too much, and hands it over to the Commander. Erwin turns it over in his hands for a moment before pocketing it, too lost in thought to offer anything else, and the wagon lapses into silence, the only sounds the creak of wheels beneath them. Eren doesn’t stir again but Levi keeps watchful vigil regardless.

A titan… Eren must be distraught. To become the very thing he hates… It beggars belief. Levi believes with everything he has that Eren hadn’t known. And he’d come so close to dying that very morning… Swallowed by a titan, he must have been so scared… None of it makes any fucking sense but Levi’s not going to get any more information, he’s fully aware of this. Eren can’t know much more than they do, so Levi doesn’t know what Erwin hopes to gain from speaking to him, but Levi’s going to be there when he does. Titan or not, Levi’s not going to sit by and let the MPs execute the kid.

Not exactly the reunion Levi had been hoping for.

They lock Eren up because they have no choice, apparently. Pyxis looks disgusted with the notion, but his hands are tired by litigation and bureaucracy and if he wants to keep the peace among his men, he has to give in to the desires of the skittish soldiers under his command. The MPs take Eren the moment they’re through the gates and Levi has no chance of stopping them because Erwin holds him fast with an iron grip on his shoulder. It won’t help Eren for Levi to sever the hands of anyone who touches him, but that doesn’t stop him from wanting to.

“We’ll speak with him soon,” Erwin says when Levi makes to follow the guards carrying Eren away. “Have faith, I won’t let such an asset be taken from us.”

Levi grits his teeth so tightly his jaw grates. “He’s not an _asset_. He’s a fucking person, Erwin.”

“He is an asset, first and foremost,” Erwin says unflinchingly. “He has to be, or he’s as good as dead. Our singular goal here is to prove his usefulness. If we can’t do that, then he’ll be executed. Trust me, Levi. I don’t want to see him killed either.”

For very different reasons, though. But does that really matter? Both of them want Eren alive, so Levi can’t really afford to protest the reasons behind the intent, not when they’re likely the only people who’ll be prepared to defend Eren’s right to live.

“You better fucking come through,” Levi threatens darkly. “I swear to god, Erwin, you better get him cleared.”

“I will do everything in my power,” Erwin promises. “But I need you to do something for me, as well.” Levi glares at him but gestures for him to speak. “The MPs will want to incite him. If he loses control in the courtroom they’ll be within their jurisdiction to put him down. We’re in their territory now, Levi, don’t forget that. They hold the cards here, all we can do is hope for a better hand when the cards are dealt. If that happens, I expect you to deal with the outcome.”

“The fuck is that meant to mean?”

Erwin gives him a pointed look. “Prove to them that if Eren loses control, you can handle him. If he falls into their trap, respond in kind. Prove that he can be controlled.”

Levi bares his teeth. “He’s not a fucking wild animal, Erwin!”

Erwin doesn’t so much as flinch in the face of Levi’s anger. “He may as well be,” he says calmly. “To them, he's a beast that needs to be put down. Show them that you can control him should it come to that.”

Levi scoffs. “What, you want me to beat him into submission in the courtroom?”

Erwin’s gaze does not falter. “That’s exactly what I want you to do.”

* * *

Levi asks for a single favour and is shocked when Erwin grants it. By all accounts, Erwin should refuse, but he trusts Levi for whatever contrived reasons, and so he permits him to be the first to speak with Eren once the kid’s awake.

They have Eren secured deep underground, beneath the courtroom that will be the battlefield he’ll be fighting for his life in tomorrow. The MPs refuse to let them pass, at first, but Erwin is a skilled manipulator when he wants to be and secures Levi entry without too much trouble. He also pulls rank, something he hardly ever does, and they can’t really argue with those kinds of credentials. Levi doesn’t flip the guards off as he passes but he sure fucking wants to.

The descent underground is an unpleasant one and the sparse light from the wall sconces doesn’t alleviate the oppressive atmosphere that feels like it’s bearing down on Levi from all directions at once. His claustrophobia scratches beneath his skin but he suppresses it, not without great effort, because no matter how confined he may be feeling, it must be a thousand times worse for Eren.

He’s still unconscious when Levi reaches the cell, laid out on a small, rickety cot with threadbare blankets and a single, musty pillow. At least he has that, but the sight of heavy, iron manacles cinched around his wrists and secured to the wall at the head of the bed sends something unpleasant pricking through Levi’s gut. He reaches out for the bars, grips them tightly like he’ll be able to rip them from their hinges if he pulls hard enough, but they remain firm, unmoveable, and there is nothing he can do for Eren now.

Not until tomorrow, at least, when the regiments will be gathering to fight for Eren’s life. The wall garrison, admittedly, have no desire to claim Eren, by Pyxis’s own admission he would rather see Eren in the hands of the scouts than the MPs, but that doesn’t mean they’ll be any help tomorrow. Pyxis has promised to offer an unbiased account of the siege’s events, but beyond that he will be unable to assist. Erwin hadn’t seemed too bothered by that outcome, and maybe he knows something Levi doesn’t, but he’s acting like Eren’s innocence is a done deal already. It’s not as reassuring as Levi wants it to be.

He kicks the bars hard. The dull clang echoes through the stone room and Eren stirs on the bed, chains clinking as the links knock together. Levi watches as Eren slowly comes to, lifts his wrists and finds shackles there, looks around with mounting confusion and fear, until wide turquoise eyes centre on Levi and recognition sparks in dull irises, brightening them considerably.

“Levi,” Eren says on a breath, sighing it out as his shoulders droop with relief. Levi’s stomach snarls unpleasantly. How can the kid look at him like that? How can he be chained in a cell underground and look at Levi like everything’s okay? Levi shouldn’t be looked at like that. He’s done nothing to earn it.

“Hey, kid,” Levi says anyway. “Long time no see. Heard you caused a bit of trouble topside. Want to fill me in?”

Eren’s breath catches and he curls in on himself, chains clattering as he wraps his arms around his knees and draws them tight to his chest. His trouser leg is missing from the knee down on the left side, and his shirt sleeves are, too, from where Isabel had severed him from the titan. Levi swallows hard and pushes that thought away, pushes it all away, because Eren deserves a chance to explain for himself and he won’t get a chance tomorrow. It’s better Levi hears it from him now, so that he can fight Eren’s corner tomorrow when no one else will listen.

“I don’t know what to say,” Eren mumbles, leaning his forehead against his knees. “I don’t know anything about it. They say I’m a titan. Did you hear about that?” Eren’s shoulders shake and Levi hates these fucking bars between them, is shocked by the urge to go to Eren, by how visceral the desire to reach out to him has become.

“I heard,” Levi says, keeping his voice level. “No, actually, I saw.” Eren’s head snaps up, eyes wide. “Pretty neat trick, I have to say. When’d you find out you could do that?”

Eren’s mouth twists. “About… Twenty-four hours ago? Give or take?”

“Figured as much. Sorry about your arms, by the way. Isabel didn’t know you were the one inside.”

Eren looks down at them, at the unblemished skin that Levi had watched steam and reform with his own eyes. The kid looks like he wants to be sick and Levi can’t exactly blame him. He doesn’t know how he’d react if he found out he could turn into a fucking titan on a whim.

“They’re going to kill me,” Eren says dully. “Aren’t they?”

“The MPs?” Levi nods. “Yeah, they want to. They’re not fucking going to, though, and that’s a fact. You’ve got the scouts in your corner, Eren.”

Eren looks up at that, though he doesn’t look hopeful. It’s wrong, the expression on his face, the deadness in his eyes. He looks defeated, lost and scared, and Levi’s going to rip these fucking bars off the goddamn wall. If he didn’t think it would get them both killed, he’d pick the fucking lock and get in. “Why?”

Levi grips the bars tightly, until his knuckles are white and his fingers ache in protest. “Because you want to kill titans. Because you ripped twenty of the fuckers apart and sealed the breach in Trost’s gate. Because there are a thousand people still alive because of you. And because if anyone fucking tries to kill you, I’ll put them down before they can move.”

Eren laughs, a soft exhalation of breath that is more disbelieving than amused. “That’s nice and all, but if the MPs want me dead, there’s not a lot you can do. Don’t throw your life away for me, Levi, I’m not worth it. Tell Mikasa that, too, please. She nearly fought the entire wall garrison for me.”

Levi believes that, and he and Mikasa have always had more in common than he’d like to admit. “Don’t fucking give me the self-pitying schtick, brat, it doesn’t suit you.”

“I’m not a brat,” Eren mutters. “I’m taller than you. I’ve _always_ been taller than you.”

“Height doesn’t negate brattiness,” Levi tells him. “Don’t fucking give up, Eren, you hear me? We’re going to get you out of here, I promise.”

He can’t promise that, definitely can’t make that kind of assurance, but he’s fucking going to anyway, because the misery twisting Eren’s face looks so fucking wrong that Levi can’t stand it. It’s like when Isabel gets all moody, it doesn’t fucking suit either of them. And Levi’s going to do everything in his power to make sure Eren lives through tomorrow, even if it means following Erwin’s fucking plan and subduing Eren in front of the whole court.

Levi will do that, if it means saving Eren’s life.

“I missed you,” Eren says, shocking Levi back into the present. “You haven’t changed at all.”

“Not really. Can’t say the same for you, though. You need a fucking haircut.”

Even in the dark, Levi can see how much the kid has grown. His limbs, the ones that had been so gangly and uncoordinated at fifteen, are much longer now, but more proportionate, slender yet toned, unblemished by scars, which makes a lot more fucking sense now. His hair is longer, too, ridiculously long, and his jaw is sharper, cheeks less rounded than they had been a few years ago. He’s still Eren, recognisable and familiar, but he’s a young man now, no longer the bratty teenager of Levi’s memories.

He dearly wishes they’d met again under better circumstances.

“Try to get some rest,” Levi says, finally letting go of the bars. “Don’t worry about tomorrow. Just… Stay calm, okay? Let us handle the rest.”

“Okay,” Eren says listlessly.

“I mean it,” Levi insists. “We’ll be there, Isabel and me, and Erwin’s dead set on getting you placed under the scouts. We’ll be fighting for you, Eren, just trust us.” Eren doesn’t answer and Levi doesn’t really expect him to, but he’d like to see Eren’s expression brighten at least once before he’s thrown to the wolves tomorrow. “And you can finally tell me what was so important you couldn’t write to me about it.”

Eren stops breathing. “You remember that?”

Levi snorts. “Remember it? I couldn’t forget it if I tried. I kept your letter, you know? Well, all of them, but the first one especially. It’s my good luck charm.”

Eren’s eyes widen. “Really?”

Levi nods, slipping a hand into his jacket to pull the tattered letter out. “It’s fucked up beyond belief, but it’s seen me through every expedition so far. Now, I’m not superstitious, but there’s obviously something lucky about it. No way I’m giving that up.”

Inexplicably, Eren’s eyes fill with tears. “Can I tell you now? I might not get a chance tomorrow.”

“Hell no,” Levi says, pocketing the letter. “You can tell me tomorrow once we’ve proven your innocence and not a minute sooner. Fucking stew about it, see if I give a shit. We _will_ get you through this.”

Eren sucks in a breath, nods, and manages a shaky smile. It’s not much, but Levi will take it. “You don’t hate me? For what I can do?”

Levi scoffs. “Hate you? For kicking the shit out of twenty titans? Hell, if it were up to me, I’d give you a fuckin’ medal. Makes no difference what form you can take.”

“Doesn’t it?” Eren challenges, eyes sparking in the dark and _that’s_ what Levi’s been looking for. That fire he knows so well. “I’m not _human_ , Levi.”

“You look human enough,” Levi says, unruffled. “Good enough for me. And even if you’re not human, what does it matter? You still want to kill titans, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Still want to be a scout?”

“Yes.”

“Want to go on a rampage and wipe out the rest of humanity?”

Eren’s eyes narrow. “No.”

Levi shrugs. “Then what does the rest of it matter? The MPs can think what they like, but we know you. And they can fucking die mad about it. Trust us, Eren, we won’t let them hurt you.”

“Quite right,” Erwin says out of fucking nowhere, startling Eren so badly he nearly topples off the bed. He smiles kindly at the kid before sitting himself down on the bench opposite the cell bars, crossing one leg neatly over the other. “Forgive the intrusion, but I wanted the chance to speak with you before the hospitality of the Military Police wore off.”

“Of course, Sir,” Eren says faintly, looking a little starstruck. Levi resists the urge to roll his eyes.

“I do wish we’d met under better circumstances,” Erwin says apologetically. “Levi speaks highly of you, I believe it was your ambition to join the scouts before this rather ugly affair?”

Eren glances at Levi who stares back unflinchingly. Erwin’s full of shit, Levi hasn’t exactly spent the past year extolling Eren’s virtues, but he’s definitely put a good word in for the kid in the event the idiot did end up joining the scouts. Against Levi’s express wishes for the contrary, but what can you do? That’s Eren, stubborn to the end.

“Yes, Sir,” Eren says. “I still want to.”

Erwin smiles. “Exceptional. We’d be glad to have you. Now, forgive me for this, but I must ask.” He holds up the key he’d had Levi take from him and Eren’s eyes widen, hand coming up to clutch at his throat. He makes a wordless sound of dismay to find it gone. Levi feels a little guilty about that, but better in their hands than the MP’s. “This key. What is it for?”

Eren swallows, throat bobbing. “I don’t quite know, Sir. I… I get memories… Flashes… I’ve never been able to make sense of them. They started shortly after my home fell and… I thought they were nightmares, but lately they’ve gotten worse. Like I’m trying to remember something I’ve forgotten.”

This is the first Levi’s hearing of it, but what does that really matter? Is it really so difficult to believe that the kid dismissed the thoughts as nightmares, after everything he’s been through?

“You mentioned a basement?” Erwin presses.

Eren nods. “After I… After I changed back for the first time. It was all I could think about, like the transformation shifted something in my head. I could hear my father, telling me I had to go to the basement. Telling me that…” His face pales. “That everything hinged on me learning to control this power. I didn’t… I didn’t know what he was talking about at first. I guess I know now…”

“An awful responsibility to have thrust on you,” Erwin says sympathetically. “And yet one that may just help us to save your life come tomorrow. What do you believe is in the basement?”

Eren shrugs helplessly. “Sir, I’ve no idea. I wouldn’t even know where to begin guessing. He never… He used to work down there a lot, but he never spoke about it. I don’t think even my mom knew. We were never allowed down there and he kept that key on him at all times.”

“Intriguing,” Erwin murmurs. “I’ll see this key returned to you, Eren, don’t worry. But you have my thanks. Both for your cooperation and your honesty.”

“You don’t think I’m lying?”

“Of course not,” Erwin assures him. “Aside from the fact that you have no reason to, Levi here is vouching for your honesty. Aren’t you, Captain?”

Glaring, Levi nods. Eren stares at him. “Captain?”

“Shove it, brat.” Eren’s mouth twitches into a barely-there smile. Levi settles back against the wall, satisfied by the sight of it. “Yeah, I’m vouching. Kid’s always been brutally honest. If he says he’s telling the truth, he is. Can’t lie worth a fucking damn, anyway. His ears always burn if he is.”

“Noted,” Erwin says with some amusement. He turns back to Eren. “Here’s the lay of the land, my friend. To access your father’s basement, we need to reclaim wall Maria. An impossible task, as things are now. We have neither the manpower nor the ingenuity to achieve such a monumental undertaking. Yet, with your feat of sealing the breach in Trost’s gate, I’m more confident in our ability to succeed than I have ever been, provided you are willing to dedicate yourself to our cause.” He leans forward, eyeing Eren intently. “So I ask you, what are your intentions?”

Eren gazes back, fire sparking in his eyes and Levi wants to fucking cheer at the sight of it. “I want to join the scouts,” Eren says and the declaration does not frustrate Levi as it once had. “And slaughter every titan that crosses my path.”

The scout regiment, against all Levi’s hopes, is the safest place for Eren now. The time for warning him away has long passed. There is nowhere Eren can go now where he’ll be safe. And isn’t that a bitch? He’ll be safer out in titan country than he’ll ever be inside the walls.

“I’m pleased to hear it,” Erwin says, satisfied. “I’m sure it’s occurred to you, but while we’re on the subject I must confirm that it’s been conjectured that the colossal and the armoured titans are the same as you. Humans with the ability to shift into titan form at will. What do you think about that?”

Honestly, it doesn’t look like the thought has occurred to Eren at all, and even Levi has to admit he hadn’t even considered the possibility until Erwin mentioned it. It makes sense, of course it does. All accounts of the two detail them as intelligent, acting like they have some sort of grand plan in place. A terrifying notion, to be sure, and that just creates a whole slew of further questions that they have no hope of answering as they are now.

“I think…” Eren swallows. “I think that’s terrifying. But I’m not… I’m not one of them. I don’t know what I am, but I don’t want… I never wanted to harm humanity. I want to leave the walls. I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

“Rightly so,” Erwin says. “And as much as we know precious little, what we _do_ know is of vital importance. I believe that we stand a chance in turning the tide in this war. Do you understand that, Eren? Over a hundred years and you have given us a chance we’ve never had before. Without you, we would be lost. Which is why I’m so thankful you wish to join us. I cannot thank you enough.”

“You don’t need to thank me,” Eren says, hands balling into fists. “Just get me out of here. Let me join you and I’ll destroy however many titans you want. I’ll get us to that basement, I’ll win the war for you, I don’t _care_. Just…” He inhales, holds the breath for a moment before letting it out in a rush. “I want to leave the walls. I want to get out.”

Erwin smiles. “So do I, Eren. Thank you. I think I know everything I need to. Rest assured we’ll be fighting for you tomorrow. Trust us.”

Eren nods, slowly. “Thank you, Sir.”

“Levi?” Erwin stands. “I’d like a word, if possible?”

“Sure.” Levi glances at Eren. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Trust us. And stay _calm_ , for fuck’s sake.”

Eren sags, nodding again, and Levi leaves with Erwin despite his desire to do the exact fucking opposite. Once above ground he feels like he can breathe easy again, but his chest is still tight because Eren’s still down there and will be until tomorrow, when the battle for his life begins in earnest.

“An exemplary young man,” Erwin comments, rolling Eren’s key between his fingers. “I can see why you’re so fond of him.”

“And yet you still want to turn him into a weapon,” Levi bites out.

Erwin inclines his head. “Whether you like it or not, Levi, he _is_ a weapon. How he came to possess this power is unknown, and until we get to that basement, it will remain so. But if using him as a weapon is what will save his life tomorrow, can we really afford not to use him?”

Fine, yes, Levi gets it, but he doesn’t _like_ it. Eren deserves better than to be used as a tool for mankind, Levi’s made his peace with his position but Eren deserves more than that. The worst thing is, the kid doesn’t even mind. He’d be so fucking happy to be useful, so fucking happy to be _special_. To have something that only he can do. It’s fucked up, all of it, and Levi hates every bit of it, but Erwin’s right. They can’t turn away anything that might give them an edge over the MPs.

“I hope you know what you’re doing,” Levi mutters. “If he dies, you’re gonna have a real fucking problem on your hands.”

“If he dies, humanity will follow,” Erwin says with a conviction that shocks Levi still. “That’s the fact of it, Levi. If Eren dies, we lose our best and likely only chance of ever reclaiming wall Maria. The path we’re on is one that ends in destruction, ten, twenty, fifty years down the line. Life inside the walls cannot continue, not if we keep losing ground to the titans. Eren is humanity’s best hope for survival. We have nothing else.”

It’s too much to put on the shoulders of one kid. It’s too much. But what fucking choice do they have otherwise?

Levi doesn’t have the answer to that.

“Not quite the reunion you’d hoped for, is it?”

“Commander, with all due respect, shove it up your fucking ass.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a note, bc I wanna make it clear just how applicable the "canon divergence" tag is. I do not care in the slightest for the arcs that followed past That Point in the manga. Spoilers here I suppose so skip if you want but I need to make it clear. 
> 
> I don't like really what's going on outside the walls, never have, so none of those events are going to take place here. I had my own ideas for how the manga might have gone at the time of reading it and while some parts of it I did like, I don't... vibe with it very much. I had all these ideas at the time, thoughts on possibilities and shit like that, headcanons and the like, and I'll be going down my own route from that point. I'm just saying this so that ya'll know there isn't gonna be any of that happening and that it's gonna be majorly canon divergent. More than that I won't say bc I don't wanna spoil my own fuckin' plotline, not after all the effort I've put in to plotting it out lmao.
> 
> Just letting ya know. Major canon divergence in this household.


	33. Chapter 33

The scouts are given room and board in a very uncharacteristic show of generosity from the MPs and were Levi not completely out of his own head about everything, he’d probably enjoy their disgruntled expressions a lot more. A few recognise him and Isabel from the years they’d spent irritating them from the underground, but there’s nothing they can do now that they’re soldiers. Levi can’t even enjoy their frustration, not when his thoughts are far away, down below ground - once again, only this time they’re stuck on a young man whose fate will be decided tomorrow.

Levi’s got no hope of being able to sleep tonight. Neither has Isabel, who’s been torn away from the cadets against her will because Erwin wants his most trusted officers beside him tomorrow. Hanji, who Levi had expected to go absolutely wild once they heard the news, is uncustomarily subdued about the whole thing. Whether because their regard for Levi outweighs their curiosity he doesn’t know, but he can’t deny that he’s grateful for their unusual restraint. They don’t comment on any of it, which must be killing them. Levi’s more grateful for that than he can say. 

Farlan arrives just before sun up, which is unexpected but not unwelcome. Levi hadn’t really expected them to stay behind, though, not once Eld and Gunther had passed on the message of what had happened to Trost. Though the journey to the interior was a arduous one, Farlan wears none of his exhaustion visibly. His gait is a little stiff, prosthetic grating slightly from too little oil, but other than that, he’s more put together than many of the scouts. A damn sight better than Levi and Isabel, at the very least. 

“I heard from Hanji,” Farlan says when Isabel greets him at the door of their room. He kisses her forehead softly, pulling her close. “Where is he?”

“Down in the dungeons,” Isabel says, sounding close to tears, a state which hasn’t changed much since the previous morning. “They won’t let me see him. Levi spoke to him briefly, so did the Commander, but… Oh, god, Farlan, they’re going to kill him.”

They’re under strict orders not to breathe a word of Eren’s “condition” to anyone. The same gag order has been slapped on the cadets who saw Eren transform, though Levi doesn’t know how many that is. Armin and Mikasa will be summoned for the trial later today, but for what purpose Levi doesn’t know. He doubts they’ll be allowed to speak on Eren’s behalf, given their relationships. It’s a fucking miracle Levi’s going to be allowed to speak, but Erwin’s confident in his bastard plan and Levi trusts the man, as much as he wishes otherwise, so all they can do for now is wait. 

Farlan knows because Levi and Isabel trust him. Hanji, too, or they wouldn’t have said anything. Farlan, to his credit, looks troubled but not disgusted and Levi sorely wants to know what they’re thinking, because he sure as hell can’t organise his own thoughts about the whole fucking thing. 

“Eren” and “titan” don’t go together, not in the way this situation calls for it. Were the middle words “wants to kill a” then, yeah, it would work. But no, it’s “is a” right between them and Levi… Can’t cope. He’d be lying if he said it didn’t bother him, but it’s not for the reasons you’d think. What form Eren takes doesn’t matter, Levi couldn’t care less about that. What matters is how Eren got this ability and why. He can’t have been born with it… Can he? Could his father shift? Could his mom? No, that doesn’t seem right. Because as far as Levi knows it’s never happened before, the colossal and the armoured being the apparent exceptions. 

But… Maybe that’s where titans come from? Fuck, it’s maddening, too many questions and no chance of answering them. None of it makes any sense and Levi’s been agonising over it for hours, everything spinning round and around in his head, twisting him up in knots from the inside out.

“So it _is_ true,” Farlan says, easing himself into one of the chairs by the window. Levi grunts, doesn’t move from his place by the wall, and Farlan doesn’t seem like he’s waiting for an answer, looks pretty thunderstruck, all told. “Shit, I thought Hanji was… Well, I’d thought they’d cracked, honestly.”

“I don’t care,” Isabel says, pacing the small room like an angry cat, the same way she has been since midnight. “I don’t care about any of it. It doesn’t matter. Eren’s still Eren, makes no fucking difference.”

“Of course not,” Farlan says. “Hanji said the scouts will be lobbying for him?”

Levi nods. “They want custody. The MPs will fight, obviously. But Erwin’s confident we can win the Premier over.”

“The… Premier?”

Isabel makes a derisive sound. “General of the regiments. Zackly something or other. I heard old man Pyxis talking about it with the Commander.” Levi doesn’t doubt that conversation was not meant to be overhead but he wisely doesn’t comment. “He presides over all the regiment disputes. Court martials, that kind of shit.”

“And?” Farlan asks anxiously. “What’s the word?”

Isabel huffs. “Fair, allegedly. Doesn’t take sides, cares about the fate of humanity, blah blah blah. All talk, though, isn’t it? We won’t know until later.” She kicks the bedpost violently, then immediately regrets it. “Fuck- _Ow.”_

“Idiot,” Levi grunts. “Save it for later, okay?” Isabel grimaces.

“How are the cadets?”

“Shit scared, what do you expect?” Isabel limps to the bed, sitting down with a wince. “Mikasa’s fucking holding up better than I am, though. She’ll be present, her and Armin have been called in to give testimony. I’d feel a lot better about the whole thing if I fucking understood how trials worked.”

“It’s simple if you’re not a moron,” Levi says. “Guilty party gets grilled for an hour or so, then two sides argue over what happened and what didn’t before deciding on the outcome. Or that’s how it usually goes. Whole thing’s a farce, if you ask me.”

Farlan kneads his forehead. “This is so fucked up. A titan… I had no idea.”

“None of us did.” That’s the truth of it. But even if the MPs believed Eren had no idea, it wouldn’t make a difference. They don’t care one way or the other. All they care about is the fact that Eren’s a threat and, ultimately, making that threat go away. Which is why, against all odds, Levi is Eren’s best chance for survival.

“Does the Commander have a plan?” Farlan asks. “I mean, I’m assuming so, he’s usually about fifteen steps ahead.”

“Yeah.” Levi doesn’t elaborate.

“Okay, good,” Farlan says, pissed. “Great talk. I know you just _love_ the strong and silent vibe you give off, but let me tell you, it gets real old, _real_ fuckin’ fast.”

“Does it fucking matter?” Levi snaps. “He’s got a plan, what more do you want? We need to let the MPs rile Eren up, then I need to step in and kick the shit out of him to show that, if he’s put into the scouts’ custody, I can kill him. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

Isabel and Farlan stare at him. “No,” Isabel says and this is exactly why Levi didn’t want to tell them.

“Yeah. Sucks, don’t it?” Levi exhales in a harsh, abrasive laugh. “You guys, you don’t fucking know the half of it. Because that’s what has to happen. The only way Eren stands even a chance of getting away from an execution, is if I promise to execute him anyway. I have to stand there and I have to act like I can kill him if it comes down to it. _That_ is our fucking plan.”

“You…” Isabel swallows. “You won’t, though… Right?”

Levi glares at her. “The fuck do you think?”

“But… It’s _Eren.”_

“Oh, well, _gee_ , Isabel! I had _no_ fucking idea-”

“Fucking cut it out!” Farlan barks. “Both of you! What the hell are you playing at? How does ripping into each other help Eren? Calm the fuck down.”

Levi bares his teeth but says nothing. Neither does Isabel, though she’s glaring daggers at him. The fuck does it matter, anyway? This might all be for nothing and Eren will be killed anyway. If they even _can_ kill him and there’s no guarantee of that either way.

“This is insane,” Farlan mutters, rubbing his temples. “We need to be rational, even if the situation is anything but. We’ll let the trial play out, Levi can… Say his piece, I guess. Doesn’t matter if he’s lying- Which he _is_.” Farlan throws him a glare, daring him to argue. “He would never hurt Eren. But if we can get them to believe that Levi can put Eren down, that’ll be the insurance they’re after, right?”

“If they’re not too scared.” Isabel scowls. “They were ready to kill him the moment he got into the Capital.”

“You weren’t even there,” Levi throws at her. “Shut up.”

“Am I wrong?”

“I said shut-”

 _”Stop_ it,” Farlan snaps. “God, what the fuck is _wrong_ with you both?”

“The hell do you think?” Isabel demands. “Eren’s life is in danger! They’re literally baying for his execution! And I cut his fucking arms off!”

“They grew back, stop being such a fucking baby.”

“Oh, what the fuck?” Farlan says, softly but with feeling. “They grew back?”

“This is getting us nowhere,” Levi hisses, close to ripping his hair out. “Can we stop fucking conjecturing? I’m sick enough about this trial as it is. I haven’t seen the kid in a fucking year - longer, even - and I have to beat him to near death to prove a point. So can we stop talking about this already? I’m getting a fucking migraine.”

Farlan glances at him. “That’s… Not the whole plan, is it?”

“Basically. There’s… There’s some shit about a basement or whatever.” Levi pinches the bridge of his nose, head pounding behind his eyes. “Erwin’s going to propose that we can’t reclaim wall Maria without him. Which isn’t wrong, I guess? But yeah, most of our plan hinges on the fact that I’m the only one capable of ending him if he goes rogue. Which isn’t exactly the job I wanted for myself when I woke up this morning, but what can you do?”

“So…” Farlan swallows. “You actually have to beat him? In front of the…”

“Representatives from all three regiments? Yeah. Gotta make it look convincing or, y’know, they might fucking kill him anyway.”

“You… You can’t, though,” Farlan says. And, no, Levi actually can, thank you very much. If there’s one thing Levi’s good at, it’s kicking the shit out of people. Bonus in Eren’s case, considering he’ll just steam like a kettle and put himself back together afterwards. It doesn’t ease Levi’s conscience any, but he’s always been good at compartmentalising. “Levi… If it doesn’t work, you’ll… The last thing Eren will have happen to him… He’d be walking off to his execution with only the memory of you beating him.”

“Thanks,” Levi grunts. “Is that meant to make me feel better?”

“You can’t do that to him,” Farlan insists. “He’s going to be in a room full of people who want him dead, you can’t _do_ that! He needs people on his side, you can’t just turn on him!”

“I’m not fucking turning on him,” Levi argues. “Eren will understand-”

“No, he won’t, he’ll be too busy getting the shit kicked out of him! And what if they take him away before you can explain? You want that to be the last time you see him? You want his last memory to be you beating him?”

Levi’s pulse throbs in his forehead. “It won’t be-”

But Farlan’s on a fucking roll now and won’t be stopped. “You can’t do that to him, think of another plan! You’re telling me that’s the best shit Erwin could come up with?”

“We don’t have the luxury of _time_. If we did then, yeah, maybe we could come up with a better fucking defence than “just kill him!” But we _don’t_.”

“There has to be-”

 _”There isn’t!”_ Levi roars, causing both Isabel and Farlan to flinch back. “If there were _any_ other way, I’d fucking take it, but there isn’t! We have two, maybe three hours before Eren’s put to trial, we don’t have time to mount a better defence. And as far as shitty plans go, it’s a fucking good one. My record speaks for itself and that’s the only thing that’ll save Eren’s life and that is _all I care about_. So what if he hates me for the rest of his life? So what? At least he’ll _get_ a rest of his life to hate me for.”

It doesn’t fucking matter. None of it fucking matters. Eren’s safety is Levi’s top priority, and if he has to injure Eren to get them there, then he’ll fucking do it, no matter what. If he can prove to the MPs that Eren can be controlled, that he can be put down like a rabid dog, then what does it fucking matter if Levi feels like he’s going to be sick? As long as Eren lives, nothing else fucking matters.

Farlan disagrees. Vehemently. “If this falls through,” he says quietly, “then Eren dies thinking you were prepared to kill him.”

Levi’s going to rip his other fucking leg off. “Why the fuck are you even-”

“He loves you.”

Levi stares at him. Farlan stares back, eyes pleading, begging for Levi to understand his bizarre fucking viewpoint. And is he actually fucking telling Levi, that all of this faux-moral bullshit stems from the fact that he thinks that Eren…

“No, he doesn’t.” It’s all Levi can say, the only thing that makes any fucking sense.

Farlan laughs, loud and mocking. “That’s what I said. But no, unfortunately - for him - he does. He came to me about it years ago, before we left for the scouts. Poor kid, I thought. Poor kid, getting sweet on Levi of all people. I told him, too. I told him it would fade, but apparently not. No, in all this time the kid’s just fallen more in love with you. And I’ve got the fucking letters to prove it. Should have fucking brought them with me, but obviously I had no idea I’d be walking into Eren’s fucking execution.” He pushes a hand through his hair, still laughing that awful, manic laugh. “And I fucking promised him I wouldn’t say anything! Well, fuck that promise, I guess. Because it’s looking like he’ll never get the chance to tell you himself.”

“Farlan…” Isabel covers her mouth with a shaking hand. “What the fuck is _wrong_ with you?”

Farlan throws his hands up. “Why am I the one in the wrong here?! Because I don’t want to see Eren beaten to death like a fucking wild animal? Because I want Levi to choose a _better_ option?” He turns to Levi fully, eyes blazing. “You wanted to know what was so important Eren couldn’t write to tell you about it? It’s that. So go into that courtroom if you want, kick the shit out of him if you think it’ll work, but know that if it doesn’t, you’ll be hurting someone who loves you for no good fucking reason.”

Levi absolutely cannot be hearing this. Not now, not _ever_. He didn’t ask for this, never gave any fucking indication that this would be welcome. Farlan’s lying, has to be, is saying whatever bullshit he thinks will get Levi to back off, it’s the only explanation. There’s no way in hell Eren could be that stupid, to fall for Levi of all people. It cannot be true. It can’t. Levi’s not _meant_ to be loved, he doesn’t deserve it. And Eren, with his infinite capacity for kindness, his stubbornness, his loyalty, deserves someone who…

“Tell me you’re lying,” Levi demands, voice low and unsteady. For the first time in his life, his voice shakes slightly on the way out and he hates it with every fibre of his being. “Farlan, tell me you’re fucking lying.”

Farlan smiles thinly. “See? Do you see now why I felt sorry for the kid? Who the fuck hears that someone loves them and wants it to be a lie?”

“Farlan, back off,” Isabel commands, stepping between them. “You can’t just spew shit like that. I don’t care if it is true, it’s not your fucking place.”

“No, but Eren’s going to be executed, right? So what the fuck does it matter?”

“Fucking hell, are you _actually_ off your fucking rocker? Do you even _hear_ yourself?”

Their petty argument fades away. Levi doesn’t care about it anyway. And what does it matter? Eren’s feelings are his own, they’re nothing to do with Levi. All his life he’s acted as he pleases, making his own decisions, his own mistakes, letting no one in. If Eren… If Eren feels that way about him, that’s Eren’s fault, not Levi’s. Levi’s done nothing to earn that… That love. He’s done nothing to actively seek it for himself, doesn’t fucking want it. It’s Eren’s problem and Levi doesn’t have to do anything. He’s not the kind of person people love, he’s always known that and he’s never wanted to love anyone either. It’s something for other people, people who work differently to Levi. If Eren wants to love him, then he can, but Levi won’t encourage it, won’t return it.

He’s seen what love does to people. It gives them the power to destroy you. Kenny had always said as much. It’s what killed his mother.

It just stings because he now knows that all the kindness Eren’s shown him has been through some contrived sense of fucking _affection_. Which means none of it… None of it was real. Eren only showed Levi kindness because he felt like he had to, because he _loved_ him, or he thought he did. But if Eren had any sense, he would have known from the beginning that Levi wasn’t worthy of it. 

That’s all love is. Selfishness. Eren wants something from him. That’s all anybody ever wants, is for Levi to give them something, his time, his efforts, his skills. Nothing is given freely, Levi learned that a long time ago, and he’s only worth what he gives out which is why he never gives anything away. He’d… He’d honestly thought Eren was better than this.

Because Eren… He’s not meant to be like that. He’s not meant to be manipulative. Levi can’t reconcile those thoughts in his head, with the selfishness that he knows love to be and what he knows of Eren. Nothing the kid has ever done… Not once has he ever used Levi for his own ends. He’d said some things long ago… And Levi has never forgotten them.

_I don’t want you to act different. I like how you are._

_You deserve better than that._

_I wanted to do something nice for you. Because fuck knows you must not get that often._

_Don’t open it until you get back, okay? It’ll be like a good luck charm to help you get back safe. You have to promise._

How… How can it be selfish if Eren feels it? Never once, not _once_ has Eren ever asked for something Levi cannot give. In all the time they’ve known each other, Eren has done nothing but give, out of the two of them he’s given more freely of himself than Levi has. What has Levi ever done for Eren? What has Levi done to earn that love? 

They’re friends. They’ve been friends for… For longer than Levi would admit. He’d fought it the whole way, hadn’t made it easy for Eren, had never been anything more than abrasive. But Eren had wormed his way inside anyway. He’d fought beside Levi more often than with him, had sent him that stupid fucking care package of food when Levi slipped up and admitted to going hungry in the bastard underground. He’d told Levi he deserved better. He’d listened when Levi spoke, learned his boundaries and never pushed, only overstepped them once to hug him when Levi hit Shadis for speaking ill of Eren’s mother.

Push and pull. Give and take. Even footing. Not selfish. And Levi hadn’t seen it coming.

No.

It’s not true. It can’t be. 

He doesn’t want it. He’s never wanted it. He needs Farlan to be lying, everything will make sense if Farlan is lying. Eren can’t love him, Levi doesn’t want him to, doesn’t…

He doesn’t want this. 

He needs to talk to Eren. He needs to hear it from _him_.

He leaves Isabel and Farlan to their argument, doesn’t even know if they’re still talking or if they’ve elevated to screaming but he just doesn’t fucking care. He leaves the room, can’t even hear if one or both of them call out for him, wouldn’t respond if they did. All he knows is that he has to get to Eren _now_ , that he has to have the truth from him before it’s too late. His feet don’t betray him, he can rely on them while his mind is splintering, swirling in a maelstrom of Eren and every word ever spoken between them, and all the while his feet carry him through the quiet streets of the Capital, opulent and disgusting all at once, and Levi sees none of it.

He’s going to have the truth from Eren, going to hear it from his mouth, not from Farlan in an incensed tirade meant to unbalance him. He has to hear it and he has to hear it now. He’s running and he can’t stop, towards the military headquarters Eren is trapped beneath, to the place Levi’s thoughts have been trapped since yesterday. Not much farther now, and he can hear the truth for himself.

“Levi.” Erwin catches him by the shoulders. Levi struggles in his grip, where the fuck had he even come from? Why is he here? Levi tries to get past him, to get to the steps leading down into the dark dungeon, but Erwin holds him fast. “I know you’re concerned, but please try to stay calm. I’m glad you’re here, it saves me the trouble of sending a messenger for you.”

Levi exhales and the world fades back in with a deafening clamour. “What?”

Erwin looks down at him, frowning. “The trial? It will begin soon. I was about to send for you but you’ve saved me the trouble. The Premier arrived a short while ago. Eren’s been taken into the courtroom and restrained. We’ll begin the trial shortly.”

He’s too late. He’s too fucking late.

“Levi? Are you alright?”

With monumental effort, Levi pulls himself back together. “I’m fine.” Lie.

Erwin doesn’t look convinced, but what he fuck can he do? “Alright. With me, then.”

What else can Levi do but fall into step beside his Commander? The halls are thankfully empty, which means Levi doesn’t have to be a functioning person for at least a few more minutes, can take the time to bottle everything up, push it down low. Now is not the time for this shit. He has to go in there, into that fucking courtroom, and he has to fill the roll Erwin has set out for him. He has to be Eren’s appointed executioner. He has to maintain the farce that he can put Eren down, should it come to that.

Damn Farlan. Damn him to hell. Why couldn’t he have kept his fool mouth shut? As if Levi could beat Eren and feel nothing. What was his goal? To make Levi falter? He knows him better than that. What reason could possibly have warranted his ridiculous outburst?

_If this falls through… Then Eren dies thinking you were prepared to kill him._

It won’t fall through. It can’t. Levi can’t fail Eren now. He hadn’t been there to save him when Trost had been invaded, but he can be here now, standing between Eren and a courtroom full of soldiers that want him dead. Mikasa had the right of it. Levi can do the same. 

Eren will not die thinking Levi is prepared to kill him. 

Eren _will not die_ at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a fucking behemouth of a chapter but there wasn't a point i was happy to split it up at. So you get all of it. aaaaall of it. and it's some heavy shit, ya'll.
> 
> Levi.... chill.
> 
> ALSO GUESS WHO’S A MORON AND ACCIDENTALLY POSTED THE CHAPTER AFTER THIS ONE INSTEAD? THIS BITCH SNDNKDJD

Eren sinks to his knees with the muzzle of a rifle jabbing hard into his spine. The indignity of it all stings but he can handle that, he can handle having to kneel down with his hands chained behind his back, he can handle having his chains bound to the floor so that he can’t move. It hurts, it really fucking hurts, but he can bear it. The worst of it, though, is the eyes boring holes into his body from every angle, the fearful, hateful whispers, the distrust and the disgust. That’s what hurts the most. He could handle the indignity of being forced to his knees and restrained, if he’d actually committed the crime they’re accusing him of.

Because they want to see Eren as guilty, but so far his only crime is having a power he’d never even thought he possessed.

Hanji had been the one to fetch him and they’d been everything Levi’s letters made them out to be and then some. They talk a lot, they’re relentlessly chipper, and though the majority of Eren knew he was likely walking to his death, he couldn’t help but smile a little at their antics. They’d obviously come out of their own curiosity, but their presence had been strangely calming all the same. They’d smiled kindly, patted Eren on the head like they didn’t think he was a threat at all and that… Helped. Somehow. Even if only a little.

He’d’ve liked to see someone else first, though. Hanji was fine, pleasant and reassuring in a sort of talkative way, but Eren wanted someone familiar. Mikasa, Armin, Levi, Isabel, Farlan, any of them, all of them, just a brief moment in their company where Eren could feel reassured before his life is decided by people who have chosen to hate him without knowing him.

Not that he can blame them… He still can’t wrap his own head around it.

They stare at him now like he’s some sort of wild animal, feral and untameable, and their derision upsets him. They don’t know what they’re looking at, but he can’t help feeling like they’re judging him far too harshly. He’d have thought sealing Trost’s breach might have gained him some leverage, but at the end of it all, this trial is a farce. His fate has already been decided. The MPs won’t allow him to live.

It’s unfair. But no part of Eren’s life has been fair.

More people file in and Eren watches them with a sort of detached curiosity. His knees are already going numb against cold stone, his wrists ache and his shoulders are stiff with tension. He hopes, maybe foolishly, that the trial doesn’t drag on too long. He’d like a chance to rest before they kill him. Maybe they’ll be merciful and let him die without chains on. He’d like to die comfortable, if he has to die at all. He’d also like to die outside the walls, but that’s not an option, unfortunately.

It’s all so horrifically unfair.

He sees Mikasa and Armin and the sight of them cheers something inside him. Hanji and the tall scout - Mike, they’d call him - take a place up in the balcony, watchful and alert. The MPs all glare furiously, some of them even have rifles, to put him down the moment there’s an opportunity. He wonders idly if bullets will work. Could he transform first? Would he be willing to do it? His titan would destroy the entire courthouse. He probably could, but he’d kill everyone inside… Then there’s the wall Garrison, who don’t seem to know what to think. Eren hopes they’ll be more favourable.

And the scouts. There’s Erwin, impassive and unreadable. Levi by his side. And Eren looks to him because out of everyone, Levi is going to be the most level-headed. Erwin may be impassive, but Eren doesn’t know him. Mikasa’s too frantic, gazing at him with poorly hidden fear. Armin’s eyes are wide, concerned. They’re too difficult to look at. Eren doesn’t want to see how scared they are for him. He needs reassurance, he needs Levi’s calmness. So he looks to him as he searches for it.

And…

Huh.

That’s… Not good.

Levi’s eyes are wild in a way Eren’s never seen them. He’s gripping the wooden railing in front of him so tightly Eren is half afraid it’ll snap in half. His jaw is a tense line, brow furrowed, and he looks like he’s ready to vault the railing entirely to get to where Eren is chained in the center of the room. He looks… Uncertain. And that’s so jarring to see that Eren can’t look away. Levi’s eyes meet his and for a moment Eren thinks he’s going to say something. But Levi just bares his teeth and wrenches his gaze away from Eren’s, shoulders hunched up to his ears.

What the _fuck?_

Levi looks… Furious? But no, that’s not right either. Furious, yeah, but that’s not all of it. He’s distressed, that much is evident, but more than that Eren can’t say with any sort of accuracy. Whether it’s because of Eren’s situation or something else he doesn’t know, but it’s awful seeing Levi like this, his usual untouchable facade cracked and fallen away.

Eren hopes he gets the chance to ask what’s wrong. He hopes he gets the chance to say a lot of things, honestly. But as the far door opens and a tall, grey-haired man steps into the room, a hush falls over those gathered to witness what might well be Eren’s last moments, and he thinks the time for hoping has long since passed.

The man walking through the door and seating himself at the desk upon the raised dais doesn’t look like a judge, though Eren’s not exactly got much experience with them. Everything he knows about trials and the processes behind them he’s learning on the spot, and so far he isn’t liking what he sees. Is this how it is for all military prisoners? Chained to the floor like a rabid dog? Or is Eren a special case?

Of fucking course he is. There’s never been a human-titan before.

God, he really is a monster, isn’t he?

“Alright,” the judge-general says, settling down with a heavy sigh, like he has much better things to be doing with his time. “Shall we begin?”

Is Eren meant to _answer_ him? No, as it turns out, because he starts leafing through a small handful of papers, the contents of which Eren isn’t even able to begin to guess at. His training history? What the hell kind of relevant information could they contain? They know as much about Eren’s condition as he does, which is fuck all.

“Your name is Eren Jaeger,” the judge says, somehow managing to sound like he’s not speaking to Eren at all despite the direct address, eyes flickering disinterestedly over Eren’s kneeling form. “You are a soldier and, as a soldier, you’ve sworn to give up your life when called to for the good of the people. Is that correct?”

“Yes?” Eren’s voice doesn’t waver which he is grateful for, but it comes out uncertain all the same, which probably isn’t helping his cause any.

The judge shuffles his papers. “As an active soldier during a time of war, military doctrine demands your tribunal be held as a court martial. As the Commander of our armed forces, this matter is left to my discretion.” He looks up then, eyes hardening and Eren’s entire body runs cold. “Thus I will decide whether you live or die.”

Commander of the armed forces… Darius Zackly. Eren swallows convulsively. There can be no higher judge, save maybe for the King.

“Any objections?”

Many. Hundreds. Thousands. Too many to count. But Eren can’t mount his own defence, they won’t let him, and what would he even say if he could? _”I didn’t know, please don’t kill me_ ”? No. Let this play out how it will, Eren won’t beg for his life.

“No, Sir.”

Zackly nods. “Your astuteness is appreciated. Let us proceed.”

Oh god.

* * *

Eren wants to scream so badly he feels like he’s going to choke on it. They won’t listen. None of them will listen. Everything Eren can say, every answer he can give them - no matter how honest - is countered and thrown back in his face. The Military Police are fighting a battle they refuse to lose and Eren has no chance to overcome them. They’re dragging up everything he’s ever done, every little mistake and misstep.

_Prone to violence, disobedient, bad-tempered._

He’s not, he’s not, he’s _not_ -

_Monster. Traitor. Unpredictable. Examine him._

They want to cut him open. They want to cut him open and examine him from the inside, to see what parts of his body are concealing a titan. They want to dissect him, unmake him, and they don’t know how to kill him so they’ll do it while he’s still alive if they have to. Then they want his body destroyed.

_His existence is already causing civil unrest._

Cowards! Cowards, the lot of them! How can he be tried when his only crime is existing? He didn’t ask for any of this! He’d dedicate his fucking heart and soul to humanity if they let him but they won’t let him speak. He’d go out there alone if they let him, surging through titan country like the beast they fear him to be, carving a path to wall Maria alone to prove that his intentions are true, but they won’t give him the chance to say any of it.

_We would see him made a fallen warrior of humanity._

Martyrdom. His fate is martyrdom. That’s all they’ll give him.

If Eren’s to die a martyr, then let him die fighting. Not chained up like an animal, put down with a shot to the back of the head. Only… Would that be enough to kill him? What if he regenerates? What if he can’t die now? Will they lock him away forever? Starving day in and day out because his body won’t let him die? Will they appoint someone to watch over him, to kill him again and again until it finally sticks?

He wants to scream. None of them will listen. He’s going to die screaming, he already knows it. Were it just the MPs, Eren might have stood a chance. But the wall cultists want him dead, too, and the wall Garrison won’t defend him. They’re impartial, which might as well be as bad as complicity. If they’re not with him, they’re against him by definition.

What does it matter? What does any of it matter?

“Enough,” Zackly says, silencing the deranged pastor spouting a vehement condemnation of heresy. “Commander Erwin, say your piece.”

Eren doesn’t even raise his head.

“As Commander of the survey corps, I, Erwin Smith, propose the following: Let Eren join our ranks. Reinstate him as a full member of the scouts, and we will utilise his titan ability to reclaim wall Maria.”

Eren waits for the rest with his head hanging low.

...And waits.

He lifts his head. Erwin isn’t looking at him.

Zackly looks interested for the first time since the whole bastard trial began. “Is that it?”

Erwin inclines his head. “Yes. With Eren’s assistance, I’m certain we can reclaim wall Maria. Ergo, I believe our top priority is perfectly clear.”

Zackly doesn’t smile. “Quite bold.”

Bold? It’s _bullshit!_ This is the man responsible for Eren’s future? The MPs have scores of evidence for why Eren should be put down before he can leave the fucking room, and Erwin’s entire defence is _that?_

It’s a good thing Eren’s already given up. If there’d been even a shred of hope left inside him, that would have shattered it.

When pushed, Erwin gives a barebones rundown of the operation he plans to launch with Eren’s assistance. He can’t even bear to listen. It’s a far-flung option anyway. It stands no chance against the MPs mounted offence. Were Eren released into the scouts’ custody, they’d need to offer some sort of insurance that they can control him, which they can’t do. Eren doesn’t even know if he can control _himself_.

That’s why he’s here.

And what’s stopping him from shifting and taking the whole fucking courtroom with him anyway? He could do it, he knows he could. A sharp enough tug against the chains would have the edges of the metal biting into his skin with enough force to draw blood. That was how it happened before, wasn’t it? Eren bit into his own skin, sparked the transformation, ripped his body apart in a storm of his own creation. He could do it now, there’s nothing stopping him. And part of him _wants_ to, because the euphoria of shifting is unlike anything Eren’s felt before. Raw power, uncontainable.

He could do it. Just one sharp tug…

No.

He never could. Not even to save his own life.

The merchants are arguing now and Eren listens because he’s got nothing better to do. With barely even a twitch in their direction, he shifts his concentration from his own pain to their fear. They want to seal the walls for good, abandon their own kind out of misplaced terror. That’s all it is, isn’t it? They’ve lived scared for too long. The captivity is driving them slowly mad. With every year that passes, humanity is losing more and more of itself to fear and insanity, driven mad by the walls that are meant to keep them safe.

What kind of existence is this?

What kind of _blighted, blinkered_ existence is _this?_

Mikasa speaks for him then, weaves a tale that Eren can neither believe nor remember. Twenty titans… He killed twenty titans and saved his comrades. Then beat a titan away from her before it could kill her. All while she believed him to be dead. Eren’s eyes sting at the steel in her tone. Fighting for him even now. For all the good it will do.

They’ll hurt her, too, if they come for Eren. She won’t let them take him without a fight.

But he hurt her too, he hears with mounting horror. He shifted and he lashed out at his own sister like he was nothing but a mindless beast and she his prey. The soldier beside Mikasa bears the full brunt of her furious glare but the damage is already done.

The MPs dismiss her testimony anyway and Eren already knows with sickening certainty what card they’re going to play next. So does Mikasa, and the fear in her eyes cuts him deep.

 _Murderer,_ they brand him.

He was nine. Mikasa’s life was in danger. It was self-defence.

None of it fucking matters.

Oh, but it _does_.

Eren can take it. He can take all of it. He watched his world shatter at ten years old, he lost everything he ever loved in a single afternoon, he can _take_ whatever they want to bludgeon him with.

But branding Mikasa a traitor? A _titan?_

“Don’t you dare!” Eren roars before they can threaten her. He tugs at his chains and the room flinches as one. “Maybe I’m a monster that you want dead, but you leave her the fuck alone, you hear me?! Don’t you fucking speak about her like that!”

“As if we can trust you!”

“It’s the _truth!”_

“She has to be a titan if you’re willing to protect her!”

 _”Shut up!”_ Eren roars and for a moment that matchstick spark flares inside his head, imbuing his cry with the roar of a titan. The room falls deathly silent but Eren doesn’t care about any of it, doesn’t care that he’s signing his own life away, they can’t threaten Mikasa, not while he still draws breath.

He wants to cry. He might be. His eyes are burning and his body is shaking but he can’t control any of it. Everything inside him wants to burn, to break, to shatter apart and reform from the shards into something will the power to _kill_. And they wouldn’t be able to stop him. None of them would. He could kill them all for their selfishness.

Is this what humanity has become? These are the people he wasted his young years desperate to defend?

“You’re wrong.”

His ears are ringing.

“About it all.”

He’s going to butcher every last one of them if they touch her.

“You’re so intent on pushing your own selfish agendas… You’re blind to what’s in front of you.”

He needs- He needs to stop talking. They’ll put him down on the spot. But he can’t. He wants to rip free of his chains, to give them something to _really_ fear.

“There’s no sense in having power if you’re not going to use it to _fight_.” Eren bares his teeth at them all. “If you’re too scared to fight for your lives, then fine! If you want to stay captive until we all lose our minds and rip each other to shreds over the single scrap of farmland that’s left once the titans break through again and again, then so be it! But I was prepared to fight for you! I spent my entire _life_ waiting for the chance to fight back against the titans! And now that I can, now that I’m the only one who can, with a power no one else can wield, you won’t fucking _let me!”_

If Eren is a monster… So be it.

“I still will, if you’ll give me the chance. I don’t care about any of it. I don’t care that you’re scared! So was I! When titans took my home, slaughtered my family, I was terrified! And I swore then that I’d fight for humanity with everything I had in me! And you’re all gathered here like none of that matters, so what does that say about you?”

No. Eren isn’t the monster here.

“It says that you’re cowards! You never cared about fighting titans, you never cared about _freedom_. You care about keeping the interior fat and happy, you care about keeping humanity in _chains_ , trapped and docile. If you cared, you’d release me. You’d send me out there to fight and die for you, the way I always intended to. If you cared - _You’d put your faith in me!”_

Eren is blinded by rage. He can’t tell what part of him is screaming, whether it’s him - the part that’s still human - or the other part. Both, maybe. But his wrists are steaming and he can do it, if he wants to. He can feel it, oh god, he can feel it. It’s inside him, part of him, screaming to be let out, warring with his tenuous self-control.

The titan is there, awake, screaming for blood, if only Eren will let go and give it to him.

He can feel his skin ripping beneath the manacles.

A rifle shot rings out. Ringing, deafening, and Eren’s fury recedes, coiling back deep inside himself like a wounded animal.

An MP’s rifle is smoking, barrel burning hot, but the rifle isn’t aimed at Eren any longer. It’s pointed at the ceiling where a black burn mark is smouldering, charred with burnt saltpeter and sulfur. A hand holds fast to the barrel of the gun, having deflected the shot from Eren at the last possible moment.

A hand belonging to Levi.

“Careful,” Levi says quietly over the deafening silence of the courtroom. “You should really do something about that itchy trigger finger of yours, soldier.”

“T… Treason!” Commander Dawk spits out, pale-faced and trembling.

“Oh, you just _love_ throwing that word around, don’t you?” Levi shoves the rifleman back with a hard thrust of his arm, The man staggers, is caught and held up by his comrades. Levi pays him no mind, moving to stand beside Eren, regarding him like he’s the most insignificant thing he’s ever seen in his life. Eren’s insides quiver unpleasantly.

“Commander Pyxis?” Levi says, tilting his head. “Forget impartiality for a moment and answer me this, if you’d be so kind.”

“Yes, Captain?”

“How did cadet Jaeger trigger his transformations? Was it included in the report?”

“I don’t believe so. A negligible point, to be sure. I believe it was triggered when he caused himself injury.”

“That so?” Levi crouches down so that he’s eye level with Eren. “That true, cadet?”

What is he doing…? Numbly, Eren nods and Levi straightens up, seemingly satisfied with that confirmation.

“Observe,” Levi says and then brings his knee round in a savage arc, right into Eren’s jaw.

Pain lances through the side of his face, exploding beneath his skin and behind his eyes. His jaw slams shut with the force of it, biting jaggedly through his own tongue. He convulses, blood overflowing in his mouth, splutters; it runs down his chin, dripping in wet globules onto the floor. Half of Eren’s tongue slips out of his mouth, hitting the floor with a sickeningly wet slap.

Levi gives a low _tch_ of disgust. “Always fucking making a mess.” He circles back round and though Eren wants to let his head hang forward, he lifts it shakily, staring at Levi through his tears. Levi’s not looking at him, he’s not looking at anyone; he regards the blast mark on the ceiling with an air of deep disinterest. “I’m sure you’d agree that things got a little… _intense_ for a minute there. I don’t know about you, but I thought for sure he was going to go full titan and crush the lot of us. Which I’m sure is why our good rifleman here was only doing his duty and attempting to serve humanity by eradicating a threat.

“Now… I’m no expert, but if injury is what triggers the transformation… Why am I looking at a scrawny, bleeding cadet and not a fifteen-meter titan?” He glances at Eren. “Something’s not adding up.”

“Your point?” Zackly asks. “Is there a reason for this disgusting display of unnecessary violence in my courtroom? Are you saying cadet Jaeger cannot transform?”

“Well, no, that would be stupid. We have eyewitnesses, what good would lying do me?” Levi shakes his head slowly. “No, that’s not the point I’m trying to make.” He turns to Eren, sneering viciously. “Be a good boy and open your mouth, brat.”

Eren clenches his searing jaw tightly. Levi’s eyes flash and before Eren has time to even flinch, Levi’s wrenching his head back by the hair. Eren cries out, helpless tears seeping down over his cheeks, and more blood spills past his lips, as well as a plume of healing steam. His torn tongue itches unbearably as the muscle begins to reform itself. Eren wants to choke on his own blood.

“There,” Levi says, sounding satisfied, and he wriggles Eren’s head mockingly by his hair. “Titan steam.” A murmur of shock from those assembled. “One of my officers severed Jaeger from his titan shortly after he sealed the breach in Trost’s gate. It was a good, clean slice, severed his arms at the elbows. And you know what happened then?” He releases Eren’s hair and moves away, spreading his arms to illustrate his point. Eren can’t hold his head up any longer, lets it loll forward, agony radiating through his face, to say nothing of the pain clawing its way up his chest.

“They grew back,” Levi says, though his voice sounds far away, distant. “And Eren Jaeger, by cadet Arlert’s own account, was killed in the line of duty, swallowed whole by a titan after losing an arm and a leg. And yet that wasn’t enough to kill him.

“Do you see it now?” He asks coolly. “What assurance do we have that you _can_ kill him once you’re done with your little experiments? When you’ve finished dissecting the kid and pickling his organs? Are you going to cut his head off? Fair, but what if it grows back? Cut out his nape just like a titan’s? And what if the same thing happens? Shot through the head? Even humans can survive that. Not often, but they can.

“So you lock him away where he can’t escape, below ground for the rest of his miserable life. You send someone down there every day to try and find a way to kill him that will stick. Have you got anyone in your ranks who could stomach the task?” He looks around at the room, brow furrowing into a deep scowl, challenging them. “Could any of you do it? His ability to regenerate is untested, so what if it turns out that you _can’t_ kill him? Pulling a trigger is easy, but what if the bullet hole heals before he can haemorrhage? What if the shot blows his head apart and it just knits right the fuck back together? Could you stomach it? Could you keep killing him every time? Over and over again? Could you handle that?”

Levi turns to Eren then and Eren’s stomach collapses in on itself. He’d chanced lifting his head and now he deeply regrets it. The expression on Levi’s face is nothing short of malicious. _“I_ could,” he says with a savage sort of pride. “But unless you turn him over to the scouts, I won’t. Unless he’s directly under our supervision, I won’t lift a finger against him. My responsibility covers my own, my comrades, my people. My responsibility does not cover the prisoners of men who quake with fear when a confused and frightened teenager is begging for his life.”

Eren stares up at him, at his friend, at the one person Eren’s heart cared enough about to love. Levi stares back with disgust burning in his steel-grey eyes and Eren’s foolish heart shatters in his chest.

“Who of you can say that you can kill him?” Levi demands. “Any of you? And is that you declaring you could kill a frightened, unarmed soldier? Or a fifteen-meter titan? The wall garrison, whose ranks were decimated when Trost was breached? The Military Police, who boasted of the best scores on paper, but who sit safely in their interior and have never once seen battle? Any of you? No?” He shakes his head. “I’m disappointed.”

Everything hurts. Eren’s body feels like it’s splitting apart. The titan’s jaws hadn’t hurt this much, ripping his skin apart to let the titan out hadn’t hurt this much. His eyes are filled with tears and underneath the pain his mind is fracturing. Levi is going to kill him. He’d thought… It wasn’t meant to be this way. Why is Levi _challenging them_? Does he want Eren dead? Had he been lying before? Underground? Why had he come, then? To hear Eren’s confession for himself? Erwin had seemed so earnest… Was Levi just waiting for the opportunity to strike?

“You make a compelling point,” Zackly says after a long, painful moment. “You would be willing to dedicate the rest of your life to ensuring Jaeger is detained and killed successfully?”

“If it comes to it,” Levi says, sounding bored again. “He’s not given me a reason yet, but yeah. I’ll kill him. Should be fun, finding out what method actually takes.”

“Captain Levi joined our ranks little over a year ago,” Erwin says, far too calmly. “He has more titan kills on record than any soldier that has ever served before him. Single kills. For assisted kills, the number quadruples. There is no one more equipped to deal with such a threat.”

No. Let the MPs have him. _Please._ Don’t let Levi be the one to kill him. Eren couldn’t bear it.

“I’ve made my decision,” Zackly says with echoing finality. “Thank you, Captain. No more theatrics are necessary.”

“Pity,” Levi says, back to bored once more.

A clearing of a throat. Eren’s stomach rolls. All he can taste is blood.

He’s going to be sick.

“Eren Jaeger will be handed into the custody of the scout regiment,” Zackly declares. “Should he turn on us, it falls to you, Captain, to contain him and ultimately to destroy him. However you can. If you cannot… May god have mercy on us all.” The heavy slam of a palm against wood. “Court adjourned.”

Eren vomits.

* * *

Eren’s mouth is still steaming by the time the regiments file out and he can barely see past the haze of it, but his tongue is nearly fully reformed and that’s… good? Not really, but there’s not much else he can say for his current situation. He’s alive, but at what cost? Levi’s disgusted with him, has vowed to kill him as many times as it takes until it sticks. How is he meant to live with that? He wants to cry, he wants to pitch forward onto the ground and curl up and sob but he can’t, his chains won’t let him. Everything hurts and he’s alive but that doesn’t _matter_. All he wants is to sleep, for today to end and to never wake up again and have to face everything that’s waiting for him.

A shadow passes over him. Gentle hands slide down his bound arms. “Easy now, Eren. I’m gonna let you go, okay?”

That voice… And as promised, Eren’s arms are gently loosened and the chains fall away. He pitches forward, unsteady, into the warm and firm body of someone whose arms come up to hold him fast. A hand threads gently into his hair, rubbing away the sting left behind by Levi’s harsh grip.

Oh god…

“That’s it,” the voice says again, low and soft. “There we go. I’ve gotcha, kid, don’t worry. Shit, give me a hand?”

More hands, gently lifting him upright. Eren’s legs won’t obey him. His arm is pulled around someone’s neck, another arm loops tightly around his waist.

“Fucking hell, what happened to him?”

“It’s shock, I think. Can you blame him? Poor thing.” Tender hands touch Eren’s nearly-healed face, tilting it upwards, and though the fingers holding him are gentle, Eren can still feel the blow that had severed his tongue, can feel the bruise burning beneath his skin. “Hey, Eren? Blink if you can hear me.”

Eren blinks, long and slow. It clears away the last of the tears, sending them flowing down overheated cheeks, and when his lids part again all he can see is red. Red and green. Familiar shades, he thinks.

No, wait. Definitely familiar.

“...Isabel?”

A smile, wide and relieved. “That’s my boy.” Isabel - it _is_ her - cups his face gently. “How’s it going, kid? Pretty shit, I heard.”

Eren laughs hollowly. It aches all the way up his throat. “You could say that.”

“I’m gonna fucking kill him,” Eren’s support says darkly. He turns his head, curious, and…

“Farlan?”

“How’s it going?” Farlan offers him a shaky grin, strained and tight. “You sure got heavy, kid. And grew a whole fucking foot, too. Goddamn.”

“Why…?”

“Are we here? Moral support.” Farlan winks at him but there’s no mirth behind it. “Now give me a hand here, would you? You’ve got two working legs, hold your damn self up.”

Eren swallows hard past the taste of blood still coating his reformed tongue and tries to get his legs to obey him. It takes monumental effort and Isabel and Farlan don’t let go until he’s fully upright, which helps. The courtroom is silent, empty, only the three of them left behind.

There’s no sign of Levi.

“It’s alright,” Isabel says as Eren sways in place. “You did good, kid. We got here late, had to stand at the back like a couple of idiots, but we saw the bits that mattered. You can fucking make a speech when you want to, huh? Even I was ready to vault the gate and come cheer for you.”

“You saw…”

“The whole thing, yeah.” Isabel’s expression darkens. “Fuck knows I want to strangle him, but please don’t think too harshly of him.”

“We’ll do it for you,” Farlan says icily. “Don’t waste your energy on him. He knows he’s fucked up. Left the courtroom like he knew we’d kill him if he stuck around. But please believe us when we say if there was another option, he’d’ve taken it. The MPs had us backed into a nasty corner. He had to show them he could take you.”

Eren pulls away as soon as he’s confident his legs won’t give out. “It doesn’t fucking matter. I’m alive, aren’t I? Even though he wanted-”

“Eren, _no,”_ Isabel says, shockingly vehement. “He didn’t want to do it. Be as pissed as you want, god knows we are, but Levi would never hurt you if there was any other choice.”

“He’s a fucking idiot, but his intentions were only good,” Farlan adds, placing a gentle hand on Eren’s shoulder. “It was Erwin’s idea, if that helps. God, Eren, you have to know he didn’t want to do any of it. But that was the only kind of evidence the MPs would take.”

Eren shakes his head which is a bad idea. He’s still dazed from the force of Levi’s blow but… Surprisingly, that’s not the part that hurts. He doesn’t know what he’s feeling, honestly. Sick, unsteady, overwhelmed… No words come close. He wants to sleep. He wants to sleep and he doesn’t really care if he ever wakes up.

“Not… Not now,” he manages. “Later. Let me… I want to rest.”

“Of course,” Isabel says, softening at once. “Can you walk? Lean on me if you need to.”

Eren does, gratefully, and between her and Farlan they manage to get him out of that fucking courtroom that Eren never wants to set foot in again in his life. He’d burn it to the ground if he could. He doesn’t trust his legs enough to carry him away, though, and Isabel and Farlan clearly think the same, because they guide him into an empty anteroom, settling him down on a couch that is blessedly comfortable compared to the stone floor Eren’s been kneeling on all afternoon. His legs are stiff and sore. All of him hurts. All of him fucking hurts.

“I’m gonna get some water and cloth,” Isabel says. “Clean you up a bit. You hungry?”

A shake of his head.

“Okay. I’ll be back. Keep an eye, Far?”

“‘Course.”

Isabel leaves and Eren doesn’t have the energy to watch her go. Farlan eases himself down onto the couch beside him and Eren’s eyes flicker over to the leg he stretches out in front of him. Or, rather, the metal prosthetic that’s fastened to his knee by his gear straps.

“Nifty, ain’t it?” Farlan says, wiggling his leg. “Took a lot of trial and error, but you have to admit, it’s a feat of engineering. Look, it even bends.” He demonstrates and Eren manages a weak smile.

“It’s… good to see you.”

“Yeah? Likewise. Missed having you around. Wish it’d been under better circumstances, but at least we kept the MPs’ paws off of ya.”

Eren doesn’t really feel particularly good about that. Not yet. Maybe he will once the shock of the day wears off, when he can change and fucking shower. But for now everything just feels raw and overwhelming.

“Where…” He doesn’t even have the strength for full sentences. His insides feel carved out and hollow.

“Where’s the asshole of the hour?” Farlan snorts derisively. “Ran the moment he could. Can’t say I blame him, Isabel and Mikasa were ready to rip him apart. Me, too, if I could fucking catch him. Can’t run like I used to, sadly. But I can wait. The minute he drops his guard, I’ll be there. I’m a patient man, me.”

Eren shakes his head. “Why?”

“Why’d he do it?” Farlan sighs heavily. “From what I know, which isn’t a whole lot, I’ll admit, Erwin’s plan was to have the MPs rile you up and let Levi go nuts knocking you down. Prove to the MPs that you could be controlled. I don’t think they were expecting that MP to actually take that shot at you, though. I sure as fuck wasn’t.”

Right. Levi had diverted the shot. But why would he do that if Eren disgusted him? Why not just let the bullet hit and see for definite if Eren could survive it? That would have been proof enough, wouldn’t it?

“Probably,” Farlan says and Eren realises with alarm that he’s said all that out loud. “And the fuck are you talking about? Levi isn’t disgusted by you. Hell, kid, you’re one of precious few people on this fucking earth that Levi gives a shit about. He was practically fuming before the trial. He didn’t want to hurt you. The only reason he would ever do it was if there wasn’t another choice. Fucking hell, hate him if you want, but you have to believe that, at least.”

Eren would love to. But if he can’t trust what he saw, then what _can_ he trust? Farlan is Levi’s brother, he’ll say whatever he needs to in the hopes of defending his family. Even to Eren.

“I can speak for myself, thank you.”

Eren’s entire body recoils and Farlan stiffens beside him with a furious growl. The door clicks softly closed and suddenly Levi is standing there in front of it, expression carefully blank as always.

“You’ve got a lot of fucking nerve-” Farlan starts but cuts himself off when Eren shakes his head.

“Figured this was the safest place to hide,” Levi says with a one-sided shrug. “Since Mikasa’s out for my blood.”

“For good reason,” Farlan mutters darkly. “You son of a bitch.”

“Yeah, thanks. Give us a minute?”

“Like _hell-”_

“Farlan,” Eren says softly. “It’s okay.”

Farlan gives him a long look, expression conflicted, before he sags with a tired sigh. “Fine. But feel free to smash his face in at any time. Yell for me if you need to. I’ll be right outside.” He eases himself to his feet with more difficulty than Eren is used to, but still far more easily than he’d expected, and with practiced ease steps over to the door. Levi steps aside to give him a wide berth.

The door swings shut and Levi doesn’t move.

“I get it,” Eren says softly once they’re alone. “I’m smarter than you give me credit for.”

“I don’t doubt it,” Levi says. “But I owe you an apology.”

“You really don’t-”

“I do,” Levi says firmly. “Because none of it was right. Erwin suggested it and, yeah, I fought him, but not nearly as hard as I should have. I was going to go along with it. I was going to beat the shit out of you to prove that I could.”

“I get it,” Eren says, exhausted. “I do.”

“Doesn’t make it okay.”

No, it doesn’t. But none of this situation is okay. Eren shouldn’t have had to fight for his life against the MPs, Eren shouldn’t be able to summon a fucking titan body to pilot when he gives himself a fucking papercut. But here they are. And as much as it hurts, Eren can’t blame Levi for being disgusted.

What hurts is that he’d lied. Down in the cell. He’d said it hadn’t mattered.

Because the injury? Eren could’ve handled that. He could have taken any beating Levi could dish out. He’s always been resilient, has weathered his fair share of ass-kickings in his life. And now he can heal. Just like a fucking titan. No. Not _just_ like a titan. _Exactly_ like a titan.

“Eren,” Levi says, suddenly much closer than before. “Eren, it’s okay. Shit, can you look at me? Breathe.”

Obediently, Eren drags a burning breath into tight lungs, holds it, the way Jean had taught him, and releases it. And- Shit, are the cadets okay? How may have they lost? Eren hadn’t even _thought_ of them, hadn’t even considered what casualties they’d suffered. He’d been so blinded by his own pain that he’d forgotten all about-

“Eren.” A finger curls under his chin, impossibly gentle, tilting his head up. Levi’s eyes, icy grey and so very close, stare into his own. “It’s alright, Eren. I’m sorry.” Levi’s expression is tight, drawn with concern, and Eren doesn’t understand it.

“I’m sorry,” Levi says again. He leans down and Eren flinches but Levi doesn’t pull away, rests his forehead gently against Eren’s and…

Oh.

“I didn’t want to do it,” Levi says softly, wretchedly, and it’s the most emotion Eren’s ever heard in his voice. “I had to make them believe I could kill you. It was the only way. Eren, I’m sorry. You don’t have to forgive me, but you need to know. I’d never lay a hand on you otherwise. I needed them to believe I could do it, but you know I never would. Fucking- You _know_ me. Fucking kills me to say it, but you do. You’re one of only three people who do. That has to count for something, right?”

_Oh._

It… Wasn’t real? None of it? But Levi’s revulsion had been so real. He’d stared down at Eren like he hated him, like he _could_ kill him if he wanted to. But… Levi had been trying to save him. He’d… He’d said those things, those awful things, beaten Eren to provoke his healing, to prove he could handle him, to save his life. And Levi’s face is twisted with regret, so visceral that Eren believes him against all logic demanding otherwise. Levi could kill him. Has proven that he will try if he has to. But he won’t. Never would. And Levi may have Eren’s blood on his hands, but it will wash away long before either of them forgets what happened today.

“I’m sorry,” Levi says, a third time. Levi, who never apologises, Levi, who never does anything that isn’t necessary. He kneels in front of Eren now, rests hands lightly on Eren’s knees like he doesn’t know if he’s allowed to touch him. “I’m so sorry, Eren.”

Eren sobs before he can stop himself and topples forward. Levi catches him at once, without hesitation, arms wrapping around Eren without a thought, without a care. He lets Eren weep into the shoulder of his jacket, lets him shake apart as the day finally descends on him. He doesn’t say a word, but neither does he let go.

Eren lets it all out, his pain, his grief, his exhaustion. There’s so much more he needs to worry about but he lets it all fall away. He’s alive. He’s a _scout_. And Levi doesn’t hate him.

It all feels so stupid now.

Eren eventually pulls back but Levi still doesn’t let go. He loosens his arms so Eren can move but keeps them looped around his waist. His expression is shuttered, cautious, like he’s waiting for Eren to retaliate for what happened in that fucking courtroom. But Eren doesn’t want to hurt him. Just like Levi hadn’t wanted to hurt Eren either. The guilt is there, plain as day, Eren can see it. It’s twisting Levi’s usually impassive face into something pinched, haunted. Eren wants to make it go away, doesn’t know how.

“It’s okay,” he says shakily. “I got snot on your jacket - I’m sorry.”

Levi’s face relaxes slightly. “Eren,” he says, “ _fuck_ the jacket.” He reaches up, hesitates for a moment, then continues the movement slowly, pushing hair back from Eren’s face. “I went too hard, I’m sorry. I was… I wasn't thinking clearly.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not.” Levi sighs heavily. “It’s not, it won’t ever be. But I want you to know that… I didn’t think I had a choice. All I could think about was saving you. And when Erwin suggested it… I couldn’t see another way.”

“I understand.” And Eren does. And he’s more than willing to forget it all. Because Levi doesn’t hate him, Levi doesn’t want to kill him. Levi wants him safe. And after two years, Levi is here now, in front of him, not separated by bars and chains and a sea of soldiers who want him dead. “Hi,” Eren says, somewhat giddily.

Levi’s mouth twitches. “Hey, kid. For real this time. Miss me?”

Eren hiccups a laugh. “You have no idea.”

Something strange passes over Levi’s face then, something uncertain which doesn’t suit him, but it’s strangely intriguing and Eren wants to see more of it, so badly that something sparks behind his tired eyes and with an itching sensation and a rush of steam, the last of the bruising on the side of his face heals and the tightness around his eyes abates so that he can see freely. Levi leans back, alarmed.

“Damn,” he murmurs, and this time he doesn’t look disgusted. Because _none of it was real_. What is real, what’s true, is the brief look of curiosity that passes over his face. “How the hell do you do that?”

Eren reaches up to prod at his now-healed cheek. “I don’t know how. It’s the steam? Maybe? Explains a lot, huh?”

“What does it feel like?”

“Hot. Itchy. Weird.”

“May I?” Eren nods without thinking, then stops breathing as Levi’s fingertips brush curiously over his cheek.

_Levi’s touching his face._

“So strange,” Levi murmurs, sounding fascinated. “But useful, I suppose. Definitely explains a lot. How the hell did we never notice the steam?”

“Not… Not sure,” Eren says faintly. “Could… Could you move back a bit please?”

Startled as though he’s only now registering their proximity, Levi backs away. Immediately Eren regrets it, but having some distance between them makes it easier for him to breathe. Levi’s cool expression is back in place a moment later and the moment passes, but with it goes Eren’s pain and his fear, leaving behind only a fragile sense of relief.

“You really don’t mind?” Eren can’t help asking. “That I’m… Like this?”

“I mind,” Levi says and Eren’s breath catches. “I mind because it should never have happened to you and we need to figure out how and why. Then we need to figure out how to stop it. But we have time. Right now, you need to rest.”

Eren groans softly. “Yes, please.”

Amusement flickers in Levi’s eyes. “You do get yourself into some shit, don’t you?”

“It’s a talent.”

“I’m beginning to see that.” He sighs, shoulders drooping slightly with the exhale. “Seriously, Eren, take five on the couch if you need to. We can get out of here in a bit. The scouts can wait. The MPs can’t touch you now.” Levi’s expression hardens. “Not on my fucking watch.”

That’s true, isn’t it? Eren is Levi’s responsibility now. His duty. His charge. All things Eren never wanted to be to him, but he doesn’t really have a choice now, does he? But it’s enough, for the moment, to be alive. After it all, Eren is no longer a wanted man. He’s free to join the scouts like he’d always wanted. Just with all the other fucking shit attached.

But Levi doesn’t hate him.

And for now, that’s enough.


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU GUYS YOUR COMMENTS 🥺🥺🥺🥺 Thank you, I’m always blown away by your responses. Last chapter was so heavy and this one... isn’t much better, but we’re getting somewhere! (Hopefully in less than 30 chapters this time kdkskfksk)

Eren slips into sleep like he’s been waiting for permission to do so for days, lolling sideways on the couch like a puppet with its strings cut. Levi debates with himself for a long moment about whether he should tuck Eren’s legs up onto the couch and try to ease him into a more comfortable position, but decides against it in the long run. Yes, Eren will undoubtedly wake up with a painful crick in his neck and back if he sleeps in that position for too long, but Levi has absolutely no right to touch him anymore.

Not that he ever had a right in the first place, but laying a violent hand on Eren in the courtroom, for whatever bastard reasons he might have held at the time, has effectively lost Levi all rights to even call himself Eren’s friend.

He can excuse it, is the worst part. Levi could stand there and argue with himself and win, could convince himself quite easily that he was only doing what was necessary, that he had no choice but to act if he wanted to keep Eren safe. Erwin set that excuse up nicely for him, practically tied the fucking thing with a bow. If pushed, Levi could even say he was given a direct order from his superior to raise a hand against Eren and it wouldn’t even be a lie. Eren himself, stupidly trusting and unfailingly kind, has given Levi an out. He won’t hold it against Levi, even though there had been honest to god fear in his eyes when Levi had stepped into the room.

And that is the reason Levi isn’t going to let himself off easy.

And it would be easy. He could brush this all off, he could let it all flutter away like leaves in the goddamn breeze, and Eren would never hold it against him. The damn kid had looked so fucking _relieved_ when Levi’d given him his stupid fucking stilted apology, so _happy_ that Levi’s courtroom diatribe had been one hundred percent, military santioned _bullshit_.

He’d still said it, though. Doesn’t matter that every single part of Levi had been viscerally disgusted with himself through all of it. The words had still come out of his mouth and there’s no way he’ll let himself take them back. Of course he hadn’t meant them, but he’s going to take the consequences as though he had. From Farlan, from Isabel, from Mikasa. Doesn’t matter that Eren won’t hold it against Levi, the three of them will and Levi’s actually fucking grateful for that. Someone has to hold him accountable for what he did, if Eren won’t.

Which is why Levi doesn’t take the easy way out and let the others come to him. He leaves Eren to sleep, limbs too long on a too-small couch, and slips out the door to where Farlan is waiting.

“Did you kill him?” Farlan asks flatly, arching a brow. “Didn’t sound like it got violent. Did you smother him? I know you like a more personal approach.”

“Give it a rest.” Yes, he’ll let them give him shit for it, but doesn’t mean he has to like it.

“No, I don’t think I will,” Farlan says, eyes flashing. “And I also don’t think you want me to.”

Damn him. _Damn_ him.

“You’re so full of shit,” Farlan says. “Always have been. The fuck even goes _on_ in your head, man? Forget Eren, it’s _you_ the MPs should be dissecting.”

Well, that’s an interesting way of putting it. “I’m sure you could convince them to. They’ve lost their prized potential specimen. Shouldn’t take too much arguing for you to convince them to take me instead.”

Farlan’s lip curls. “So you’re actually gonna do it? You’re gonna play the silent martyr card? Gonna just stand there and let us have a go?”

“That’s the plan, yeah. You know it is with kids; gotta let them tire themselves out so they’ll take a nap and stop fucking bothering you.”

Farlan sneers at him. “I knew you’d fucking get like this. I could’ve bet good money on it.”

Levi glares at him. “The fuck is that meant to mean? Why say that like I have a fucking tendency?”

“Because you do.” Farlan steps forward, pushing away from the wall, and jabs Levi hard in the chest. “You take everything and you bottle it all up and you never fucking let yourself feel any of it. Doesn’t it drive you _mad?”_

Levi shoves his hand away. “Not particularly. What am I meant to be feeling, exactly? Enlighten me.”

“Anything!” A shudder ripples through Farlan from his feet all the way up to his head, like he’s gearing up for a tirade of Isabel proportions. Levi grabs his arm tightly, yanking him away from the door so that Farlan can yell at him freely without the fear of waking Eren.

“Give it a fucking minute,” Levi mutters, hauling him along. “Eren’s asleep.”

Farlan grumbles but lets Levi yank him down the otherwise silent corridor, getting redder and redder with every second he has to stay quiet. The moment Levi stops them, turns back to Farlan to let him get the hell on with it, Levi’s head is whipped forcefully to one side as Farlan’s fist connects soundly with the left side of his face.

Well. He’d been expecting that, at least.

Farlan winces, shaking his hand out, and Levi rubs his jaw, clicking the joints loudly. “Fucking hell, you aiming to dislocate the fucking thing? Goddamn…”

“Wanted to get it out while you weren’t expecting it,” Farlan says, rubbing his knuckles. “But of course you were.”

“Feel better?”

“Not really.”

Levi grunts, makes a beckoning motion with two fingers. “Well, come on, then. You’ve never held back on me before, and this is the only chance you’re ever going to get to let me really have it. I won’t stop you.”

“Well that’s no fun,” Farlan complains. “If you’re just going to stand there all grim and let me yell at you. It’s like kicking a puppy.”

“Don’t _ever_ fucking call me a-”

“I said _like_ , man, don’t shit yourself about it.”

Levi’s eyes narrow. “I can hit back if that makes you feel better.”

“Yeah, nah,” Farlan mutters. “I don’t really want this to devolve into a fist fight. I don’t actually wanna hit you, I just… Well, that wasn’t for me. I don’t want to hurt you, I just want to talk.”

Honestly, Levi would prefer the beating. But it’s not about what he prefers right now. He’s earned this with his own stupid actions. He can grit his teeth and bear it for an hour or so.

Maybe thirty minutes.

Fifteen tops.

“If I’d known this was going to devolve into “Therapy Hour with Farlan Church”, I’d’ve fucking run the moment court was adjourned.” Levi rubs his cheek absently, twistedly pleased when it aches uncomfortably. He deserves a lot worse.

“Fuck you,” Farlan says wearily. “Just… Why’d you do it, man? I fucking _begged_ you not to. You saw the state of the kid, he was terrified out of his mind.”

Yes, and that image is going to haunt Levi for an uncomfortably long time. At least until his compartmentalisation skills kick back in and he can lock that shit down for good. Or maybe he won’t. Maybe he won’t push this memory away, maybe he’ll keep it kicking around so the guilt can twist nice and deep and remind him exactly how much of a piece of shit he is.

“I didn’t have a-”

“Okay, I take it back,” Farlan says, gaze hardening. “If the next words out of your mouth are “I didn’t have a choice”, I’m gonna kick you so hard in the nards you’ll be spitting grandchildren.”

Levi raises an eyebrow. He really has been a terrible influence on Farlan. That’s the kind of shit that belongs in Levi’s mouth, not Farlan’s. He really must be rattled. Levi can’t really blame him, but he has to admit he’s sort of impressed. Slightly scandalised, too, which is a completely new experience.

“Point taken,” Levi says after a beat. “I _felt_ like I didn’t have a choice, then. That’s what you want, isn’t it? For me to talk about my _feelings_?” Farlan glares at him which is fucking hilarious because he started this whole thing. “And maybe I did have a choice, but I couldn’t see it. Fuck you for that, by the way. You knocked me so hard out of my own head, I couldn’t think of anything else. You really had to throw that shit at me before the trial?” Yes, Farlan’s choice little revelation had certainly knocked Levi for six. Actually, it had picked him up and bodily flung him out the window. He still feels a little like he’s falling, and not in the pleasantly weightless way he does when he’s strapped into his gear; more like he’s falling with nothing to catch himself on.

He really doesn’t fucking like it.

“Figured you needed to know,” Farlan says, though at least he has the decency to look away guiltily. “I know I shouldn’t have but I was scared. For the kid, I mean. Shit, Levi.” A slow shake of his head. “We were all terrified. I don’t think any of us thought… I think we were all pretty convinced he wouldn’t be leaving the Capital.”

Yeah, so was Levi, not that he’d ever fucking admit it out loud. He’ll never understand how Farlan and Isabel can just... Say it. What they think, how they feel. Why is Levi the only one who can’t? Why is _he_ the broken one? Okay, no, that’s not fair, he’d never wish this on Isabel and Farlan, but sometimes he gets on his _own fucking nerves._

And he’d been trying so fucking hard to think past that, past all of it - the fear and the dread and the fucking idea that Eren might not be leaving the Capital alive - had tried to convince himself of the opposite so that he could go into the trial with a clear head. But whether or not Farlan’s intentions had been good or true, he’d effectively knocked Levi’s worldview so badly off-kilter he hadn’t been able to focus on anything else.

“I really hoped you were lying,” Levi admits, scowling. “You fucking weren’t, though, were you?”

Farlan sighs heavily. “No, I wasn’t. And I feel fucking awful about it now, thanks.”

“Good.”

Farlan frowns at that but takes it. “I just… I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. I figured if you knew… Maybe you wouldn’t be able to…”

“I wasn’t.” Hating the words as they come out, Levi forces himself to continue. “I was going to do whatever I could convince myself was necessary. I’d’ve ripped into him, you know I would. You’ve seen what I can do when I get going.” Farlan winces, nodding. “But I couldn’t, so you got what you wanted in the end, I suppose.”

“You still-”

“I _know.”_ Levi pushes a hand through his hair, exhaling harshly through his nose. “I know. And it was a fucking miracle I could even do that much. Fuck you for all of it. You had no _right.”_

“I’m not going to feel guilty for stopping you beating the kid to death,” Farlan snaps. “What you did was bad enough. I won’t feel guilty over the fact that you didn’t do _worse.”_

“That’s not what I’m saying,” Levi bites back. “You were right about that, I shouldn’t have fucking done any of it. But I saw the gun and I…” Levi trails off, swallowing hard. That had been it, really. A simple thing, in hindsight. Levi’d seen the gun and there hadn’t been a single fucking thought in his head past _no._ For a moment he’d felt fear, so fucking strong it had nearly choked him, and there had been a moment where he’d considered throwing himself in the way because he hadn’t thought he could intercept it in time.

He had, though. Thank god he had.

And then he’d hurt Eren himself.

“Holy shit,” Farlan says, eyes wide. “You were scared.”

“Fuck off,” Levi snaps. “The hell was I meant to feel? He was on his fucking knees and the bastard was going to shoot him. That rifle-toting motherfucker is lucky he left the courtroom alive at all.”

It was a lose-lose situation from the start, Levi realises with a jolt. If Farlan hadn’t said anything, Levi might have gone into the courtroom with a much clearer head, but if he hadn’t, Levi would have hurt Eren worse. And if Farlan had kept quiet, Levi wouldn’t have been so on edge, watching so intently for something to go wrong. He might not have seen the rifleman in time. If Farlan hadn’t said a word, Levi might have acted differently, but Eren might also have been killed.

No matter which way Levi looks at it, he was set up to lose.

“Farlan,” Levi says, suddenly exhausted, “I fucking wish I hadn’t done what I did. For what it’s worth.”

“It’s worth jack shit to me,” Farlan says. He scowls. “But Eren’s forgiven you, hasn’t he?”

Levi’s stomach snarls unpleasantly. “Yes.”

“You didn’t want him to.”

“...No.”

Farlan huffs a hollow laugh. “You wanted him to be pissed as hell. You wanted him to hate you.”

What’s with all the fucking introspection? “Fucking hell- _Yes_. Fuck off.”

“Weirdo.” Farlan shakes his head. “I don’t get you, man. When I said… What I said, you looked like you were ready to vomit. Like I’d pissed on your boots or something.”

Honestly? It had felt a little bit like that. And even now Levi doesn’t feel that much better about it. He doesn’t want Eren to love him, that’s the truth. He genuinely doesn’t. Because love isn’t meant for people like Levi, who neither wants it nor believes in it. It might work for some people, like Farlan and Jan, but that’s a fucking rare case in and of itself. People like Levi don’t fall in love, they don’t get loved. And Eren will learn that soon enough.

“I won’t tell him,” Levi says, suddenly and completely convinced that this is the right decision. “And you won’t either. As far as Eren’s concerned, I’m none the wiser. Understand?”

“You want me to lie to him?” Farlan looks appalled. Fucking hilarious, honestly.

“Yeah, I do.” Levi glares at him. “And _you_ don’t get to be upset about that. You told me something you had no right to tell me and how do you think Eren will feel when he finds out? He’ll either kick your ass - rightly so - or he’ll do that dopey fucking thing he does where he gives you that stupid fucking shaky smile and he’ll act like it doesn’t matter.” Farlan winces but doesn’t argue because he _knows_ Levi is right. “So that conversation never happened. Understand?”

“Yeah,” Farlan mumbles, scratching the back of his neck. “Wish I hadn’t, but… I didn’t feel like I had much of a choi...ce…” He trails off and closes his eyes with a groan. “Oh, fuck you.”

Levi doesn’t smile, genuinely can’t, but fucking hell it feels good to have the moral highground for once in his fucking life. It’s never happened before. It’s quite pleasant, actually. “Yeah. See how it feels to be backed into a corner? Fucking awful, right?”

“Yeah. Fuck.” Farlan scrubs his hands over his face. “Shit, this is all so messed up.”

“At least it’s over now,” Levi murmurs, though he wholeheartedly agrees. “And now we just…” What, exactly? Reclaim wall Maria? Figure out what’s in that fucking basement? Eradicate the titans? Sure, let's make sure to get that all done before dinner, it’ll be easy. Fuck that. Levi doesn’t know what the hell he’s signed himself and Eren up for, but it sure as hell won’t be pretty. For Eren most of all.

Fucking hell. How’d the bratty, earnest kid from the 104th suddenly end up with the weight of humanity on his shoulders? It’s not fucking fair. And from the sound of it, Eren’s father knew more about it than he ever deemed fit to let on. Fucker better be dead, is all Levi’s saying, because if they ever crossed paths, Levi’d have a few choice words to say to him.

“Let’s just get the kid out of here, first,” Farlan offers. “We can link up with Erwin, see what he has to say for himself. I’m sure he has a fucking plan or twelve.”

“Most likely.” It won’t be pleasant, getting Eren out of the city. He doubts the MPs will give them too much shit, but there’s going to be some furious gazes Levi doesn’t want Eren having to endure if he can help it. Levi might be Eren’s court-appointed executioner, but until that day comes, Eren’s under Levi’s protection. It’s easier to stomach that responsibility when he can admit to himself that he’ll never turn his blades on Eren, but the MPs don’t fucking need to know that part. Let them think Levi will do it. It’ll be more fun that way when they find out Levi’s got no intention of playing the part of executioner.

Hell, he’s more likely to hitch a ride on Eren’s titan shoulder while he stomps the Capital into rubble than he is to kill him. _Oh, you want to level the entirety of wall Sina, kid? Sure thing, I’ll keep the MPs off your nape, go wild._

“Levi?”

“Mm?” Levi glances at him distractedly, much too into the image of Eren levelling the fucking interior in the middle of a titan temper tantrum. He could crack Stohess open like an egg, spill sunlight into the underground with his bare hands, wrench the subterranean city out into the open for the world to see. Levi would like that. Levi would like that a _lot_.

Farlan hesitates for a moment and Levi pulls his thoughts away from that particularly violent fantasy and back to his friend’s face, twisted in discomfort. He seems to be wrestling with something but Levi’s certainly not going to help him out with it. Let him shit it out on his own time, Levi doesn’t really want to have to endure more sermonising, even if Farlan’s righteous indignation seems to have cooled somewhat.

“You…” Farlan grunts irritably. “Promise me you’ll let the kid down easy? When he does come to you?”

Oh. Right. Honestly? Levi’s disappointed. All that time spent wondering what Eren could possibly want to say to him, and it’s this. Kind of a let down, honestly. Which is one hundred percent Levi’s problem, because Farlan’s right; who hears that somebody loves them and wishes for the exact opposite? 

Levi, that’s who.

He grimaces. “Yeah, I will. I fucking guess. I’m hoping I can… Divert it if he tries to, though. It’ll be easier that way.” Much easier. If Levi can prevent Eren from ever having to admit to it, can stave off the inevitable awkward conversation, then it’ll work out better for all parties involved.

“Easier on him? Or you?”

Levi throws Farlan a disparaging glare. “On him, obviously.”

“You don’t love him?”

Levi has to stop himself from laughing. Not out of humour, but disbelief. “The hell, Farlan? Of course not. I like him just fine, but you know I don’t work like that.” Good thing, too. Levi would ruin him.

“You could.”

 _Fucking hell_. Yes! Probably! If Levi wasn’t eight hundred different shades of _wrong_ _in the head,_ then almost definitely, actually. They wouldn’t even need to be having this fucking conversation, because Levi would be _normal_ and the concept of having somebody care about him wouldn’t make his skin itch with the urge to rip it off his bones! And it would be so fucking _easy_ , too. Levi hadn’t even wanted Eren in his life at first, hadn’t trusted the kid a fucking iota. But Eren had wormed his way under Levi’s guard anyway and made a fucking home for himself there quite happily. So yeah, it’s not hard to imagine that bizarre possibility, if Levi didn’t have twenty years of shit lurking around inside his head, sneering at him every second of every fucking day, reminding him he’s not worth the shit on the bottom of a boot. Eren might not love Levi selfishly, might think Levi worthy of that kind of affection, but if Levi let himself, he’d take every good thing Eren could give him, bleed him dry until there was nothing left. Eren might not love Levi selfishly, but Levi could never do otherwise. It’s in his blood, isn’t it? To take things for himself and never give back. Better Eren gets kept at a distance and eventually gets over a bruised heart, than let Levi have free reign over his feelings.

Because that’s the thing, isn’t it? Love is the kind of shit that people go mad over, write books and fucking songs about. Farlan’s all doe-eyed whenever Jan’s around and Isabel blushes any time Petra lays so much as a fuckin’ finger on her. Love is meant for people like _them_ , people who give out goodness and kindness, people who love without selfishness or deceit. Levi’s not like that. Levi would take everything Eren had to give and Eren would wither and die once Levi was finished with him.

Love is meant for other people. Levi is better off alone.

“No, I couldn’t,” Levi says instead of any of that. Irritation flickers across Farlan’s face but Levi’s far beyond caring. “I _can’t.”_

And it’s on the back of that cheery fucking thought that something wet and fucking _freezing_ smacks into the back of Levi’s neck, soaking him all down the back of his shirt. He whirls around, snatching the sopping thing off his back - a fucking rag? The hell? - and sees Isabel advancing on him like she’s about to bludgeon him to death with the bowl in her arms.

“Hey, no-” Farlan darts forward, getting between them. “Isa- No, _bad_.”

“I ought to kill you!” She spits, trying to duck around Farlan and growling when he grabs her round the waist. She does end up throwing the bowl at Levi and he neatly sidesteps it, which only serves to make her angrier. “You sack of shit! The hell goes on in your fucking head, huh? You think that shit’s okay?! Come here, I’ll show you what I fucking think of that!”

“Isabel!” Farlan grunts, struggling to keep her away from Levi. “It’s alright! We talked, he knows he fucked up!”

“Yeah, well, his face isn’t looking fucked up _enough_. Let me go!”

“Yeah, Farlan, let her go,” Levi says unhelpfully. Farlan throws him an unimpressed look, wheezing when Isabel’s thrashing limbs hit him hard in the stomach. “No, I’m serious. She’ll take a swing and change her mind when I _dropkick her.”_

“Oh, is that what we do now?” Isabel demands with a mocking laugh. “We beat the shit out of our friends, do we? The ones who’ve known us and cared about us our whole lives? The ones who are in _love_ with us?”

“Isabel!” Farlan barks. “Back off, I _mean_ it!”

“No! Fuck you!”

“Let her go, Farlan. Let her see how far she gets.”

“Levi, will you _shut_ -”

“Soldiers.”

The three of them still in their messy fucking tableu; Farlan and Isabel freezing comically in place and Levi turning to give Erwin the dirtiest fucking glare he can muster. Erwin looks unbothered by their lack of decorum, just regards them coolly before stepping past them and heading for Eren’s room.

“He’s sleeping,” Levi says before Erwin can open the door. The Commander doesn’t even glance at him, just turns the handle and pushes the door open and walks in like he owns the goddamn place and the three of them can’t do much else but hurry after him, intent on being present when Erwin wakes the poor kid. Their argument can wait for now. Preferably not until Levi’s trying to sleep. He’s had enough of people trying to kill him while he’s trying to catch some fucking shuteye and Isabel’s predictable as shit so he knows she’ll be waiting around for him to drift off before she launches her counterattack.

They sidle into the room as one and Erwin approaches the couch where Eren is already sitting up, blearily rubbing his eyes. He snaps to attention when he sees Erwin but the Commander waves him off easily, kneeling down in front of Eren with his trademark easy smile.

“I’m sorry for the theatrics in there, my friend,” Erwin says sincerely. “It got you placed in our custody, but I put you and the Captain in an incredibly unpleasant situation.”

Fucking understatement.

Erwin’s not nearly close to being finished with the grandstanding, though. ”You have my heartfelt apologies for that. And my utmost respect.” He holds out his hand and Eren stares at it like it’s going to bite him. He’s still half-asleep, hair sticking up in every fucking direction, and when he inclines his head, wincing slightly, Levi inwardly sighs and knows he should have moved Eren into a more comfortable position when he had the chance.

He just can’t fucking do right by him, can he? Even when he’s trying to.

“Th… Thank you, Sir,” Eren says, reaching out to shake Erwin’s hand tentatively. “But you don’t need to apologise. I understand it was necessary.”

“I thought you might,” Erwin says, pleased. “But I still put you in an unenviable position. Regardless, the outcome was in our favour. You’re officially a member of the scouts and I’m pleased to have you with us.”

Eren flushes right to the roots of his hair, a smile fluttering over his face. Levi wants to throw up a little bit. Trust the kid to be fucking ecstatic about that, of all things. After all the effort Levi went to of warning him off of the fucking corps, he had to sign up anyway to save his own life. What kind of twisted karma is that?

Probably Levi’s. He’s racking up quite the karmic debt, apparently. He wouldn’t mind so much if the backlash hadn’t hit Eren in the crossfire.

“Thank you,” Eren says, more confidently this time. “I won’t let you down.”

“Glad to hear it,” Erwin says. “Now, I know it’s been a trying few days for you, but I’d like to get out of the interior as soon as possible. Never could stomach it for long. Makes you uneasy.”

Another fucking understatement, but there you go. “Back to HQ?” Levi asks. “Reckon we could borrow a wagon?” Then torch it and leave it in a ditch as a fuck you to the MPs, preferably.

“Not HQ,” Erwin says. “Though a wagon isn’t a bad idea. I’ll speak with Nile.”

“Is he likely to do us any favours?” Farlan asks skeptically. “I mean, you did kind of…”

“Humiliate and overshadow him?” Isabel suggests smugly.

Erwin shakes his head. “I know you don’t think too favourably of him, but Commander Dawk is a good man. He cares for humanity, though you may think otherwise. His feelings were not personal and he bears Eren no ill will. You can’t judge people too harshly when they’re afraid.”

Sure you can. Levi does it all the time. In his opinion, people are never more honest than they are when their lives are in danger. But if Erwin wants to be naive, Levi’s not going to waste his breath trying to convince him otherwise. Let the good Commander find that out in his own time.

“So if not HQ, where are we going?” Levi asks.

Erwin considers this for a moment. “Levi, your new team, you trust them, yes?”

Levi blinks. “Of course,” he says at once. One of them might want to strangle him currently, but she’ll get over it quickly enough. He might have to enlist Petra’s help to calm her down in the interim, though. “I wouldn’t have asked for them if I didn’t.”

“Good. Gather them and saddle up. Be ready to leave in twenty minutes. I’ll have more details for you then.”

Right, so Erwin wants them packed up and sequestered away from the rest of the corps. Wise idea, considering most of them don’t know the half of what’s happened since Trost. Levi’s not particularly keen on finding out exactly how that’ll go once Erwin sees fit to share Eren’s condition with them. He doubts they’ll rebel, but Eren shouldn’t have to deal with the distrustful and fearful looks his new comrades will give him.

“Sir, if I may request that I go with them?” Farlan asks, all militant propriety all of a sudden and Levi rolls his eyes so hard he nearly catches a glimpse of the inside of his own skull. Isabel thumps him hard in the arm. “I’d prefer to be nearby. Not just because Eren’s my friend, but because I want to help.”

“Noted,” Erwin says. “And I’d like to agree, we could certainly use more trusted soldiers around until this mess gets untangled, but I think Hanji will prefer having you nearby for assistance for the time being.”

Farlan’s brow furrows. “My assistance? For what?”

Erwin’s lips thin. “I granted their request.”

Their…? Oh. Oh _no_.

“You didn’t?” Isabel says, horrified. Eren looks from her to the Commander, bewildered.

“I did,” Erwin says unhappily. “Not that I had much choice. The scouts managed to wrangle a four-meter and a seven-meter. They begged me to let them keep them. Since we’d already gone to the trouble of subduing them, I reckon the hard part is already done and they can do as they please.” He looks thoughtful. “Were the situation different, I’d probably not have agreed, but taking into account recent events, we need all the information we can gather.”

“Wait,” Eren says, eyes wide. “You let section commander Hanji keep _live_ titans?” He looks deeply troubled by the news. Not that Levi can blame him.

“They’ve been begging for years,” Isabel says dully. “I didn’t think they’d actually get their way.” She glances at Erwin. “Not to demean your intelligence, Sir, Commander, Sir.” She grins and Erwin’s mouth twitches with the hint of a smile.

“We live in strange times,” Erwin says. “Now, gather your team, Levi. Twenty minutes.”

“Heard you the first time,” Levi says, waving him off. “I want that wagon, though.” And the heads of all the MPs on a platter, but he knows which of those requests is the more reasonable one.

“I’ll see to it,” Erwin promises. “Eren, please remain here until I send for you. Isabel and Farlan will watch over you.”

“Yes, Sir,” Eren says, gaze flickering to Levi who can only smile thinly in response.

“We’ll keep him safe,” Farlan promises. “But the sooner you guys are out of the interior the better.”

Levi wholeheartedly agrees. Now he just has to figure out the logistics of preventing himself and Eren from being alone in each other’s company for the foreseeable future, while being directly responsible for the kid’s welfare. He can feel another headache coming on already, though that’s probably Farlan’s fault for clocking him one. He’d had no idea Farlan had been hiding such a mean right hook. Levi’s taught him too well.

Fuck’s _sake_.


	36. Chapter 36

Twenty minutes and not a second later, Erwin has Farlan and Isabel escort Eren from the courthouse to where Levi and a handful of scouts are waiting, saddled upon horses and stationed around a wagon that Eren climbs into when he’s told to. He doesn’t like it, as much as he understands the necessity of it, would prefer to be riding alongside them, but he knows it will be safer to escape the Capital unseen, especially considering that the MPs gathered nearby are looking at him like they’ll put him down if he so much as twitches wrong.

“Welcome to the family,” Farlan mutters as Eren climbs inside. “You’re properly one of us now.” Eren glances at him, confused, and Farlan reaches up to ruffle his hair affectionately. “The MPs have a personal vendetta against us all. Granted your reason is a bit cooler than stealing from their supply stocks, but swings and roundabouts and all that.”

Eren snorts and Farlan lifts the wagon’s gate up behind him, locking the bolts into place and patting the wood. “Won’t be long,” he promises. “I’ll join you guys soon, okay? And I’ll check in on the cadets while I’m here. I’ll let them know you’re alright.”

Eren gives him a grateful smile, more moved than he can say by Farlan’s consideration. “Thank you.”

“Chin up, kid,” Farlan says gently. “You’re safe now.” He glances over at Levi briefly, lips thinning. “Might not feel like it with mister kicks over there, but he’s still got your back.”

Eren frowns. “I don’t blame him, Farlan. Please don’t be angry with him because you think that I am.”

Farlan snorts. “You’re too kind, kiddo. And don’t worry, I won’t give him shit for too long. Like a week, tops.” He says that, but as he moves away and the scouts prepare to move out, he and Levi share a long, silent look, after which Levi nods and the irritation pinching Farlan’s expression eases into something less frustrated and more fond.

The wagon rolls into movement and Eren scoots up through it to sit near the horses at the front, staying dutifully hidden as they approach the gate. Levi’s ahead of their formation, a strawberry blonde scout riding close by on his left, and three other scouts including Isabel are riding at the back. The escort seems unnecessary but Eren can’t pretend he isn’t reassured to have them nearby, though he’s mostly relieved that their intervention isn’t necessary and they’re able to pass through the gate without interruption.

It’s not until they get through Stohess’ outer gate and pass the boundary into wall Rose properly that Levi slows his horse to guide her in line with the front of the wagon, and beckons Eren to come sit out front properly. Eren obeys eagerly, settling down into the front seat.

“Here,” Levi says, tossing something green and heavy into Eren’s lap. “Bit belated, but happy birthday. Sorry for kicking your teeth in.”

Eren laughs and Levi’s lips twitch upwards. Farlan and Isabel might be happy to stay angry at Levi, but Eren’s just so pleased to see him. And after Erwin’s admittance that the whole thing had been his idea anyway, how can Eren stay mad? Levi had looked so upset - far more emotion twisting his face than he ever normally permits - and Eren will be damned before he causes that expression to mar Levi’s face again.

It’s a scout cape, Eren realises as he turns his attention to the bundle in his lap, forest green and brand new, emblazoned with the emblem of the corps. He shakes it out with eager hands, desperate to try it on, but as he unfolds it, a second parcel is knocked loose from within it, tumbling to the floor of the wagon. Curious, Eren drapes the cape over his lap and picks the bundle up. He glances at Levi, but the other man isn’t looking at him, gaze fixed ahead like he’s actively trying not to watch.

The parcel is well-wrapped, tightly bound with brown package paper and fastened with twine. Eren gives it a curious shake before he unties the knot and peels the paper away, eyes widening when he sees the contents.

“Oh my god,” he says, picking up one of the bars of soap for an inquisitive sniff. The expensive-looking wrapper identifies it as verbena and buckthorn and it smells fresh and earthy, the scent plucking at a memory he can’t quite reach. Another sniff and the memory breaks free, rushing forward with a sense of warm fondness behind it; an afternoon spent at the solstice markets in Trost with his friends, hot cider and laughter amid gently falling snow. Eren had seen the soap stall then, had spent a while perusing the pretty packaging and dreaming of the day he’d be able to afford these things for himself.

Levi had no way of knowing which soap Eren had preferred, but he’d managed to pick it anyway, just because he’d thought Eren would like it.

“Levi, _thank_ you,” Eren says, a little thickly. Levi grunts, head dipping into a brief nod, and Eren is flooded with a wave of affection so strong his eyes actually prickle a little.

That’s not the only gift, though. Under the soap is a beautiful leather-bound journal and a set of charcoal pencils. So very expensive, Eren worries for a moment, but the concern passes once he opens the journal and leafs through the thick pages, too overwhelmed by the gift to worry about how much it cost for long.

It’s been… five years? Longer? Since anyone has given Eren a gift. It’s such a frivolous thing, there hadn’t really been a place for them in the business of his life as a cadet, but he’s so overwhelmingly grateful he doesn’t really have the words to verbalise it. He holds them to his chest, unleashing the full force of his wide smile on Levi, who smiles back like he’s not quite sure how to do it.

“Welcome to adulthood,” Levi says, somewhat grimly. “It sucks, you’re going to hate it.”

“Aren’t you just a ray of sunshine,” Eren laughs, tracing a finger over the embossed whirls in the journal’s cover. “This is wonderful, thank you.”

“The journal was Isabel’s idea,” Levi says gruffly. “Don’t be weird about it.”

“I’m going to be weird about it,” Eren promises, laughing when Levi rolls his eyes. “Thank you. This is great.” He shuffles to the side, leaning round the wagon to call back to Isabel. “Thank you for the journal!”

“Oh, what?!” Isabel yells back, urging her horse into a swift trot to reach the front of the wagon. “Levi, you asshole, I wanted to see him open them!”

“He literally just did it, stop complaining.”

Isabel flips him off, though her scowls brightens into a smile when she looks to Eren. “You’re so welcome, by the way. I told Levi soap was a shitty gift, we had to get you something good to make up for it.”

“No, the soap’s great,” Eren says, brushing his fingers over the packaging. “I can’t believe you remembered.” The last he directs to Levi, who lifts a shoulder in a shrug.

“Maybe I forgot,” he says, smirking. “Maybe I just wanted to make sure your personal hygiene habits were up to snuff. I’m not having a grotty teenager on my team, it’ll give off the wrong message.”

“Since when do you have a team, anyway?” Eren asks. “And since when were you a _Captain_ , while we’re on the subject? You never wrote about it.”

Levi considers this. “Since… About two and a half days ago. Our Commander foisted the dubious honour on me when we got back from our little recon mission past the walls. I took the promotion on the condition that I’d only be responsible for a small team. Don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m not exactly leadership material.”

Eren doubts that. He’s led Isabel and Farlan for years, both below and above ground, so it’s no hardship to imagine that he’d be able to command a trustworthy team effectively, no matter how much he’d like to insist otherwise.

“He really likes downplaying his skills, doesn’t he?” The strawberry blonde scout says, grinning. “Honestly, Levi, if you didn’t want to make Captain you shouldn’t have been so good at killing titans.”

“That’s got literally nothing to do with it,” Levi grumbles. “The only reason I’m a Captain is because Erwin wants to irritate me to death.”

This scout must be Petra, Eren realises once he sees the affectionate glance Isabel sends her. He smiles at her and she grins back warmly, offering him a polite wave from the back of her horse.

“It’s nice to meet you, Eren,” she says. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Likewise,” Eren says, feeling horrifically guilty for ever thinking unkindly of her. Farlan had put his misplaced jealousy to bed weeks ago and Eren had nearly wept with relief when he’d gotten the letter advising that it wasn’t Levi that Petra was interested in. “I’m-”

“They know,” Levi says before Eren can say anything else. “They’re my team and I trust them, so don’t worry about that. I wouldn’t have them anywhere near you if I thought they’d do you harm.”

It’s an unexpected comment and not what Eren had been going to mention at all, but he’s grateful for the assurance nonetheless. The three other scouts ride forward, clustering around the front of the wagon so they can talk more easily. They introduce themselves, Eld, Gunther, Oruo, and none of them look at Eren with the fear and disgust that the MPs had. It’s wonderfully reassuring and Eren feels a weight lift off of his chest that he hadn’t even realised was there.

“Little pissed about the lack of warning, though,” Eld says, grinning. “It was just “hey guys, saddle up, we move in twenty and I can’t tell you where we’re going. Also our newest recruit is a titan, don’t be weird about it”.”

“That’s not what I said,” Levi says flatly. “If you’re going to impersonate me, at least take a leaf out of Oruo’s book and do the voice as well. I sound nothing like that.”

“Apologies, Captain,” Eld says, throwing a cheeky grin in Eren’s direction. Eren grins back, mood far lighter than it has been in days.

“So where _are_ we going?” Gunther asks. “Now that the MPs can’t hear us.”

“Oruo should remember,” Levi says, “considering he’s the oldest. We’re heading for the old scout headquarters. Been abandoned for years, but it’s perfect for what we need. Which is somewhere quiet and remote where we can keep Eren safe.” He scowls. “At least until Hanji gets their hands on him.”

“Why was it abandoned?” Eren asks.

“Fuck knows. Too far away from the walls, I suppose. Bit inconvenient to have to mount a fucking expedition just to get to a gate and then launch a second expedition once you’re there.”

“I gather we won’t be joining the scouts on their next expedition, then?” Petra says.

“Doubt there’ll be one next month, honestly. Not until we have a better grasp on what Eren can do. I’m not eager to let him out there until we have a better idea of what we’re working with.” Levi’s expression hardens. “Erwin can argue all he wants, but my authority outweighs him on this one. I decide when Eren’s ready to leave the walls and he can live with it.”

“Mm, weird that you’re so protective,” Isabel says drily. “Considering you kicked him so hard in the face he _bit_ his own _tongue_ off.”

“It grew back,” Eren mumbles weakly in Levi’s defence.

“See?” Levi says. “It grew back. Also, you cut his arms off, so how are we different?”

“I didn’t know it was him!” Isabel screeches in protest.

“Fucking hell, keep it down.”

They continue to bicker in the familiar way Eren has missed these past few years, and while they’re distracted, Petra guides her horse over to the wagon, hopping neatly from its back to sit beside Eren, hitching her horse’s reins to the side.

“Hi,” she says, smiling. She picks his cape up and shakes it out, wrapping it around his shoulders for him. “Since you’re one of us, you should wear our colours.” She brushes his shoulder off, pulling the collar so it sits neatly around his neck. “There, much better.” Her smile dims into something concerned and she rests her hand gently on his arm. “Are you alright, though, Eren? It must have been a trying couple of days for you.”

Eren blinks, disarmed by the sudden concern she’s showering him with. “I’m… alright,” he tells her after a moment, managing a smile. “I… think?”

She nods sympathetically. “Well, don’t bottle it up, okay? If you need someone to talk to, I’m more than happy to listen.” She leans in close, whispering conspiratorially. “You can also give me the juicy details about our underground friends. Do you have any embarrassing stories?”

Eren snorts, hiding a grin behind his hand. “Yeah, maybe one or two. About Isa and Farlan mostly. Levi’s always been too cool to embarrass.”

She clicks her fingers with a frustrated groan. “I knew it. I was hoping he was more of a dork than he made out.”

“Oh, no, he absolutely is.”

“What was that, Jaeger?” Levi calls over.

“Nothing, Captain!” Eren calls back, grinning.

“Oh, I hate that,” Levi says with a shudder. “Don’t fucking call me that ever.”

“Whatever you say, Captain!”

Levi sighs deeply.

“See?” Eren says with a wide smile. “Dork.”

* * *

HQ, when they finally reach it, is an overgrown mess of weeds and vines and cracked stonework split apart by creeping ivy. Structurally it’s impressive, but the disrepair it’s fallen into after the long years spent abandoned promises a gruelling amount of work to get it liveable again.

“Oh, I’ve been here before,” Isabel groans, hopping off of her horse and stretching her arms above her head. “Hey, Levi, remember when we got to the old-old HQ?”

“Shithole,” Levi confirms with a nod, dismounting his own horse. “But we’ve got significantly reduced numbers this time around, so it’s going to take some serious elbow grease to get this place acceptable for sleeping in.”

“It’s nearly sunset,” Eld says with an expression of deep dread.

Levi’s gaze does not falter. “Better get to work, then. Gunther, take the stables. Everyone else, gear up. Eren, with me.”

Eren jumps to obey, hopping down from the wagon and gathering his gifts into his arms as he hurries after Levi. It takes both of them to get the heavy wooden doors open, heaving against the stiff hinges in unison until they yield with an echoing metallic groan. Levi grimaces, brushing his hands off, before striding over the threshold with renewed purpose.

“I’ll get the others working on the outside,” he says, mostly to himself. “Eld and Oruo can hack most of the weeds away and clean the windows. You, Petra and I will tackle the inside.” He glances at Eren. “You’re not too tired?”

“I’m fine,” Eren says. “I, uh… I suppose I’ll be sleeping in the cellar?”

Levi gives him an odd look. “Do you want to sleep in the cellar?”

“Not at all,” Eren says, repressing a shudder. He’s never been particularly claustrophobic, but being locked in that dungeon seems to have given him a fun new complex about enclosed spaces. “But it’ll probably be safest if I’m down there, won’t it? In case I go titan in my sleep?”

“I think we’ll be okay,” Levi says drolly. “I’m not too concerned about that, considering you’ve never done it before in your life. Literally the only difference is that you now know that you _can_ go titan. I’m really not worried about you shifting accidentally. It’s when you hurt yourself, right?”

“Yeah, think so. That’s what worked the past couple of times I needed to do it.”

“Then unless you start biting in your sleep, we’ll be fine.”

He sounds so unbothered. “It… You’re really okay with it?”

Levi actually stops then, turning to Eren and folding his arms. “You really want to get into this now?”

Not particularly. Actually Eren doesn’t want to get into it _ever_ , but he’s so uncertain about literally everything now and he’s desperate for some sort of reassurance, however he can get it. Through no fault of Levi’s, they’d been in a courtroom not that long ago, and Levi had been staring down at Eren with such a convincing expression of disgust that, even though Eren doesn’t hold it against Levi, he can’t help feeling a bit sick about it.

It might not have been real, but it sure as hell looked that way at the time.

“I just… I don’t even like that I can do it,” Eren says uncomfortably. “I can’t expect anyone else to be okay with it, can I?”

“Sure you can,” Levi says like it’s simple. “You do your thing and if anyone has a problem with it, tell them to go fuck themselves. Or send them my way. I’ll happily have a word with them.” ‘Have a word with’ in this instance, Eren is pretty sure, roughly translates to ‘murder’ in Levi-speak. “I don’t really think you understand the position you’re in.”

“I do,” Eren says dully. “I’ve got a court-appointed executioner, don’t I? Kind of hard not to understand when it’s laid out like that.”

Levi snorts derisively. “On paper, yeah. But in reality, you could literally pick an MP up and throw them, or go full titan and start stomping. Which is why they wanted someone around who could take you. That’s all I am, Eren. Insurance that you won’t go rogue and cause an incident. But those of us who know you know that’s not an option and that the MPs are just being a cowardly gang of shit bags.”

In spite of himself, Eren smiles. “You really don’t like them, do you?”

“The MPs? Oh, fuck no. Privileged, self-righteous bastards, the lot of them. You know the shit I used to get up to under the Capital. They’d happily see the both of us dead, don’t take it personally.”

Eren gives him a sympathetic look. “Was it hard being so close? To the underground, I mean.”

Levi blinks, surprised. “I suppose. Most of the people don’t even know there’s an entire city underneath them. And those that do don’t care.” He shakes his head and Eren doesn’t push further. “Doesn’t matter.” He hesitates for a moment before stepping forward, laying a hand on Eren’s shoulder. “What matters is that you’re safe here. I’m not here to kill you, Eren. You’re here because out of everyone, I’m best equipped to keep you safe.” Something in Levi’s expression shifts then, lightening it in a way Eren’s not used to seeing. For a moment, he looks much less severe than usual. “I’m not your executioner. I’m your protector.”

Oh god. Oh _god_. Eren’s heart explodes in his chest, a shower of butterflies released and battering against his ribs like they need to get out and don’t care how messily they do it. If Eren’s not careful, he’s going to end up blurting his feelings out and possibly irreparably damaging this fragile alliance they’ve been forced into. He wants to, he wants to so badly, but now is neither the time nor the place for such confessions. They’ve barely been reunited for more than a few hours, not properly, and there’s too much going on for Eren to unload his feelings on Levi without some pretty dire repercussions.

“I… Thank you,” Eren says, swallowing the skittish feelings right back down. “That helps.”

“Good,” Levi says, turning away. “Now we have work to do. Go pick a room, I’ll take one nearby wherever you choose, but after the shit you’ve been through I reckon you deserve first pick.”

Eren throws him a grateful smile and dashes off to go and have a minor emotional breakdown in peace. He doesn’t end up picking the largest room, but settles on a more modest room in the castle’s west wing, bright once the windows are flung open, if a bit dusty. Eren sheds his cape and jacket, folding them on the bed and tucking his gifts safely into them, taking a moment to breathe before he has to go and find Levi and begin the arduous task of cleaning this place to the Captain’s unbearably high standards.

It’s okay. It’s alright. Eren’s not a danger to anyone here. He tells himself that on repeat, chants it inside his head like that will make it true. He doesn’t know how long he’s had this power for, has no way of knowing, but Levi’s right when he says Eren’s never shifted before without meaning to. Trost had been the first time, so it stands to reason that Eren won’t suddenly explode into a titan and destroy half the castle in the process. If he stays calm, if he does as he’s told, everything will be okay.

It’s just all so much and Eren’s head feels like it’s going to tear apart at any moment. His body doesn’t feel like his own anymore. He stares down at his own hands like they don’t belong to him, momentarily lost to a sensation of dread so visceral it becomes difficult to breathe. He didn’t ask for any of this. He doesn’t want it. He’d do anything to-

“Eren!”

He jumps, whipping round towards the window. Isabel’s head appears just outside the frame, hanging upside down from above it. She waves at him, grinning, then disappears for a moment and all Eren can hear is the faint hiss and thunk of her gear anchors firing before she’s swinging in through the open window in a tight corkscrew. She skids a little on landing and wobbles but doesn’t fall.

“Levi’s found the cleaning supplies,” she says, brushing her sleeves off. “I’m giving him a moment because shit gets real weird when Levi’s alone with a mop.”

That startles a laugh out of Eren, shaky but genuine, and Isabel sighs before stepping forward and wrapping Eren into a bone crushing hug. He stands there for a moment, unsure of what to do, before he melts into her embrace, hands coming up to fist tightly in the back of her cape.

“It’s okay,” she says softly, rocking them gently from side to side. “God, you must be feeling awful. But it’s alright, you’re safe now.”

Eren doesn’t answer, just clings tighter, and Isabel rubs his back softly, pressing a soft kiss to his temple. He hasn’t seen her in so long, has missed her so dearly, and he’s so overwhelmingly grateful that she’s not treating him any differently. So much has changed, Eren’s older - a _titan_ \- but Isabel doesn’t care about that.

“Chin up,” she tells him, leaning back to do it for him and raising his chin with a knuckle. “We’ve got your back, okay? I know you’re probably overwhelmed, but this doesn’t actually change anything. You’re still Eren and we’re still your friends. All that’s different is you can literally beat titans to death with your bare hands and that kicks _ass.”_

Eren laughs faintly, scrubbing a hand over his face. “Thanks, Isa.”

“Anytime. Now I need you to do me a solid.”

“Yeah, of course.”

“I need a bucket full of cold water and I need you to fetch it when Levi can’t see you.”

“Uh, okay? Any particular reason?”

“Yes, a very important one.” Isabel grins at him. “You’ll find out later. So will Levi.”

Eren regards her suspiciously. “He’ll kill you.”

“Ordinarily, yeah. But he’s got some shit to answer for so he’ll be expecting me to do something. And you know I hate to disappoint people.”

Eren considers for a long moment. “Okay, I’m in.”

* * *

They make a good dent in getting HQ clean, though it’s long past sundown before Levi will let any of them off for the day. Eld and Oruo managed to clear away the worst of the weeds overgrowing on the grounds and the ivy blocking the windows and doors, and Gunther cleaned up the courtyard and the stables so their horses could be boarded in safe conditions. Petra, Levi, and Eren scrubbed and mopped as much of the interior as they could while Isabel boiled and washed all the linens she could get her hands on so they could sleep comfortably. No doubt tomorrow will be much the same, but for now Levi’s content enough with the state of the place to let them rest.

Petra and Eld manage to cobble together a pretty decent dinner, though they’ve only got the barest of supplies with them currently, things they were able to bring from the Capital before they left. Petra tells Eren that they’ll be getting more supplies in the next few days, once Erwin and Hanji and Farlan join them.

Dinner is a quiet affair but not subdued, and Eren’s grateful for the relaxed atmosphere after the whirlwind of the past few days. He’s barely had any time to stop and think which was good because it gave him less time to dwell on all the bad that came hand in hand with his new… abilities, but for the first time since the colossal titan’s appearance in Trost, he feels like he can breathe.

Petra and the others are all of a decent sort, though, which makes Eren feel a great deal better about his not-quite imprisonment here. He doesn’t really feel like he’s under secure watch, not when at least two of his guards are his friends, but there is no escaping the fact that Eren is a prisoner here. A prisoner of the scouts, sure, but a prisoner all the same. He can’t leave their service, didn’t get a choice about his enlistment - not that he wasn’t planning on joining them anyway, but it’s the principle of the thing - and he’ll be expected to obey every single order given to him regarding his titan ability lest they decide he’s not worth the risk and do away with him anyway.

Erwin might be convinced of Eren’s usefulness for now, but he’s invited a shitstorm down onto the scouts if Eren can’t live up to expectations. And there’s no telling how the rest of the scouts will react to Eren’s presence among their ranks, which is why they’re hiding out here in the first place. There are so many unknowns that Eren can’t answer, can’t factor in because he doesn’t know _how_ , knows about as much as everyone else does about his ability.

He’ll do everything he can, though. Everything they ask of him. He won’t let the responsibility of his execution fall to Levi. He won’t let that happen.

And that’s a whole other issue, too. Obviously Eren’s not going to say anything, not now that everything’s gone so fucking wrong, but keeping his mouth shut about what he feels for Levi is going to be much more difficult than he anticipated. While they were apart and letters were their only method of conversation, it was so easy to not say anything. But now with Levi close all the damn time, Eren’s either going to end up blurting everything out, or his head is going to explode. He would very much prefer the latter, honestly.

He’s under no illusions that Levi feels the same. Farlan had hinted as much when Eren had first gone to him about it and even when Eren had made the decision that he would tell Levi how he felt, it wasn’t because he thought anything would come of it. Levi would likely awkwardly tell him that, sure, that’s nice but he’s not really interested, thanks for making it weird, Eren. And that should be enough to ward Eren off of saying anything, but Eren’s nothing if not honest, and keeping this to himself may actually kill him. He always maintained the belief that Levi deserved to know that someone cared about him, considering he always acts like he’s such a fucking loner, even though there are several people who give a shit about him.

Regardless, Eren won’t say anything now. Or he’ll try desperately not to, because there’s too much going on for him to do it in good conscience. Levi’s been saddled with the responsibility of dealing with Eren if he can’t be controlled, it would be cruel to burden him with Eren’s feelings when he’s already likely stressed enough as it is.

He doesn’t look stressed, but that might just be wishful thinking on Eren’s part. He looks just as stoic and tired as he usually does, but the bruises beneath his eyes seem just a little deeper than usual, but Eren’s got two years of absence to account for, so maybe this is just how Levi looks now. He really hasn’t changed much, hasn’t gotten any taller which Eren knows better than to comment on, but the familiarity is reassuring.

Isabel and Farlan have changed though. Farlan with the… obvious differences, but Isabel’s change has been the most drastic. She’s taller, about Eren’s height, and her pigtails are gone, replaced by a severely cropped style that suits her surprisingly. She also has a scar down the left side of her face, from temple to jaw, but it doesn’t seem to bother her at all. Eern would quite like to know the story behind that battle wound, but he’s not sure if she’s self-conscious about it or not. If she isn’t he knows she’ll tell him about it without much prompting. Better to let her mention it when she’s willing rather than risk upsetting her.

She seems to notice him looking at her and looks up to smile at him. “You going to eat that?” she asks, pointing at Eren’s uneaten chunk of bread. He shakes his head and passes it over to her, which prompts Petra to spoon more broth into his bowl with a disapproving expression.

“Thank you,” he tells her, shovelling a spoonful into his mouth and barely tasting it. He’s honestly starving but his appetite seems to be intent on disagreeing with his empty stomach, so each mouthful is a chore, but he eats dutifully so Petra won’t give him an earful. Levi eyes him over the rim of his teacup like he knows exactly what Eren’s deal is. Thankfully he doesn’t comment, just sips his tea quietly and Eren really wants to ask where he even found tea leaves in this rundown old castle, or if he keeps a stash on him at all times. He smiles faintly to himself. Knowing Levi, probably the latter.

“Bed,” Levi tells them not much later. “I want you all up bright and early to get the rest of this place liveable. No excuses.”

They all murmur a variation of “yes, Captain” which makes him scowl, but he stands without further comment, heading for the door at the far end of the dining hall. It’s not until he’s nearly out the door that Eren remembers Isabel’s request for a bucket of cold water, and with awful certainty he whips round to watch with wide eyes as Levi pushes the door open and upsets the bucket of cold water Isabel had apparently perched on top of it earlier. It wobbles and pitches over, dousing the unsuspecting victim below with its icy contents.

Isabel snorts, clapping a hand over her mouth. Petra and the others stare with wide eyes and Eren can do absolutely nothing, too afraid to laugh like he wants to, too afraid to even breathe.

Levi stands there, soaking wet, and sighs deeply.

“Yeah, that’s fair,” is all he says before he leaves the room, slopping wetly with each step.

Isabel laughs so hard she falls out of her chair.


	37. Chapter 37

Eren hadn’t really expected to sleep well his first night at the new HQ, not considering it took him about four hours to actually fall asleep after he’d retired for the night, too much whirling around in his head to let him drift off easily, but once he’d actually managed to get to sleep, he’d passed out so thoroughly that even the nightmares hadn’t been able to touch him. He comes to slowly, warm and relaxed and comfortable, blinking in the bright sunlight seeping into his room from the window, and for the first time in years is able to roll over and go right back to sleep.

Then he jolts awake in a panic because _shit_ , he was meant to be up to help the others finish cleaning the castle and he overslept like a fucking idiot. He rolls out of bed, staggers around as he struggles into his clothes, and is out the door before he’s even got his right boot on, hopping down the corridor like a madman. He nearly slams into Eld halfway down the stairs, only managing to stop himself at the last moment and risk breaking both their necks.

“Whoa!” Eld says, reaching out a hand to steady him. “Where’s the fire, newbie?”

“I overslept,” Eren says, dread in every word.

“Nah, you’re good,” Eld says, patting his shoulder. “Captain said to let you sleep. Reckon you needed it after everything that happened. Obviously you did. Hungry? There’s some leftovers in the kitchen, still.”

Eren stares at him, struggling to get past the fact that Levi had let him sleep in when there was work to be done. Fine, Levi’s not Shadis who would make the cadets run laps for hours if they overslept a single minute past muster, but he’s also the kind of person who doesn’t accept laziness as any sort of excuse. Levi’s always been an early riser, so it stands to reason that he expects the same of his subordinates.

But… He’d let Eren sleep in.

“Thanks,” Eren says, aware he’s been silent for a good few minutes when Eld gives him an odd look. “Um, where is he? The Captain, I mean.”

“In the old armory, I think,” Eld says. “Down the stairs, right, left, right again, down more steps, first door on your left. If you get lost, scream. We’ll find you. Probably.” He grins and Eren thanks him before dashing off down the steps.

Right, left, right again, more stairs, first door on the left. Eren follows the directions, stepping through an open doorway to find Levi among what looks like a century’s worth of cobwebs and dust, sweeping with single-minded determination. He has a bandanna keeping his hair back and another covering his nose and mouth and it takes a good few seconds of Eren knocking loudly on the door before he even notices he has company.

“Oh, morning,” Levi says, straightening up. “Good. I was about to send Isabel for you. Reckon you can take over here?”

“Sure,” Eren says, stepping into the room and looking around. There are ancient cannons lining the walls and piles of ammunition covered in thick layers of dust. The shelves are empty of everything except a few empty and cracked crates and a few rusted gears. There are weapon racks lining the stone walls, a few broken spears hung on the frames. “Do we even need the armory?”

“No,” Levi says. “We can use the storage rooms on the first floor if we need to.”

“Then why are you cleaning it?”

Levi looks at him, brows raising. “Because it’s dirty.”

Eren huffs a laugh. “Asked and answered, I guess. Give me the broom, then.”

Levi hands it over and stretches his back out, brushing dust from the knees of his pants. “Come find me when you’re done. We’ll be burning all the weeds and shit in the courtyard later and Hanji should be arriving this afternoon. They’ll want to speak to you.”

Eren’s already dreading it. “You won’t let them experiment on me, will you?”

“Unfortunately, that’s literally their job,” Levi says, though he doesn’t sound particularly thrilled about the prospect. “But I’ll make sure they don’t go crazy. If they bring out the scalpels, feel free to start biting.”

“Wonderful,” Eren says, a little nauseous. “Did… Did Erwin say anything about what he expects of me?”

Levi sighs deeply. “Not much. Bastard’s always playing shit close to his chest. Don’t misunderstand, he’s a tactical genius and an exceptional Commander, but if he doesn’t think you need to know something, there’s no chance he’ll tell you. And he thinks that about pretty much everything. I can’t wait for Armin to show up, honestly. The look on Erwin’s face when he realises he’s no longer the smartest person in the room is going to be hilarious.”

Eren’s heart tugs painfully at that. “I miss them.”

“Obviously,” Levi says, though not unkindly. “Don’t worry, they’ll be sent here as soon as the graduation ceremony is over. Gotta keep up appearances and all that. But they know and they’re trustworthy so Erwin has no reason to keep them away.”

Eren nods, wondering if it’s possible to feel homesick for people rather than for a place. If it is, that’s definitely what he’s feeling. He’d seen them both yesterday, albeit while he was chained to the floor and uncertain if he’d live through the afternoon, but prior to that the last time he’d seen them properly he’d been shielding them from cannon fire. Before _that_ , Armin had watched Eren get eaten by a titan.

Fuck, how has it only been a few days? It feels like a lifetime ago.

“Don’t dwell on it,” Levi says with a knowing glance at Eren’s face. “I know how you get, just focus on cleaning. They’ll be here soon. And Mikasa will probably kick my ass.”

Eren manages a weak laugh. “Probably. Everyone seems to be more pissed about that than I am.”

“That’s because you have more than two braincells,” Levi mutters. “All evidence to the contrary.”

“Hey!”

“You should be pissed about it,” Levi says, surprising Eren. “It wasn’t right.”

“Well, no,” Eren says haltingly. “But it was still necessary. And you already apologised.”

“Doesn’t always mean you should forgive someone,” Levi tells him. “Sorry doesn’t negate what happened. Much as I appreciate you letting me off scot-free, I do wonder. Where’s the angry kid who used to go for Jean like a rabid dog if he so much as looked at you wrong?”

“Still here,” Eren says. “But that’s different. I... “ Eren clears his throat, cheeks heating. “It’s different with Jean than it is with you.”

A shadow passes over Levi’s face that Eren doesn’t understand. “Right, well, get on with it,” he says abruptly, making for the door. “And I want it spotless. If it’s not, I’ll make you do it again.” He’s gone before Eren can say anything else.

If Eren were the suspicious type, he’d think Levi was trying to avoid him.

* * *

Eren cleans the armory from top to bottom and then does it again from bottom to top, until every inch of it is shining and so clean you could eat off of it, then gathers up the mop and bucket and broom and sets off to find Levi for his next assignment. Levi’s nowhere to be found but Gunther tells Eren Levi has asked him to help Petra with cleaning down the barracks for when the rest of the scouts arrive, so he heads over to help her with that.

Once that’s done and Eren’s skin is wrinkled from constant submergence in hot water and his back is protesting from half a day spent bent over, he catches a glimpse of Levi who sees Eren and disappears almost instantly. Isabel passes on a message that they need to help gather up all the weeds from the day before to burn them in the courtyard and Levi’s nowhere to be seen for the entirety of the afternoon.

Eren tries not to take it personally. Levi’s probably busy. Doing what, exactly, Eren’s not sure, but that’s a better option than assuming Levi’s avoiding him. Which would hurt, if it were true, since Eren has no idea why he would feel the need to do that.

But then Hanji and Farlan arrive with a wagon full of supplies and a further metaphorical wagon full of enthusiasm, if the way the section commander descends upon Eren is any indication. They leap from their horse the moment they catch sight of him heaping armfulls of weeds into the bonfire, sweeping Eren up into a backbreaking hug like they’re friends who haven’t seen each other in decades.

“There’s my scientific marvel!” They cry, smushing Eren’s face between their palms. “How are you? Are you well? Any unexpected symptoms? Can I have a saliva sample? Can I have a blood sample?”

“Section commander, have some restraint for the love of god,” a scout Eren doesn’t recognise says, helping Eld and Gunther unload the wagon. Farlan ambles over, carefully extracting Eren from Hanji’s enthusiastic clutches.

“Sorry, Eren,” Farlan says, giving Hanji a withering look. They don’t look even the slightest bit repentant. “They’ve been going insane since yesterday.”

“Wouldn’t you?” Hanji demands, gesturing to Eren. “He’s a wealth of knowledge! Think of what we can learn!”

“He’s also a person, not a specimen,” Farlan says pointedly. Hanji deflates like they’ve been punctured, air whooshing out of their mouth in a rush.

“Oh, Eren, I’m so sorry,” they say, reaching for his hand and holding it to their chest. “I got too carried away, please forgive me.”

“It’s- fine,” Eren says, a little shell shocked. He offers them a smile anyway, because he’s honestly not bothered by their enthusiasm. It’s a little invasive, sure, but it’s also refreshing. No one else seems to want to mention Eren’s ability so they don’t really talk about it. Being able to discuss it with someone who won’t treat him like he’s a freak will be a nice change of pace. Not that the others make him feel bad about it, it’s just that no one really knows what to say or what to think.

Hanji, by contrast, feels really good about the whole thing and apparently thinks multiple things about it all at once.

“Yes, to the saliva,” Eren says and they squeal excitedly. “I’ll think about the blood.”

“Eren, I love you,” they say seriously and Eren laughs.

They help unload the rest of the wagon, taking all the supplies through to the storage room past the kitchens and stacking the boxes away neatly. There’s still no sign of Levi, who hasn’t ventured out to greet Farlan or Hanji, which is when Eren does finally start to get suspicious. He’s not seen their evasive Captain since this morning, no more than a fleeting glimpse at the very least, and even Farlan seems confused by his absence.

“Did he say anything to you?” Farlan asks when a scour of the entire HQ reveals no sign of Levi.

“No,” Eren says miserably. “I don’t think so? Nothing important anyway. I’m not sure, maybe I said something without meaning to.”

“I doubt it,” Farlan says, looking strangely guilty. “It’s… probably me.” A slightly off laugh. “Maybe he’s afraid I’ll kick his ass. Hurts more if you kick someone with a metal leg, I’d wager.”

Eren glances at him doubtfully but doesn't comment. Maybe it’s arrogant to assume so, but Eren’s pretty convinced he’s the reason for Levi’s absence. He’s got no clue why, but everything had been fine until this morning. Eren has gone back over their conversation a hundred times and he can’t find anything that might have bothered Levi enough to cause him to start avoiding Eren like the plague.

Unless…

No. There’s no reason. Eren will just have to hunt him down and ask him about it.

A much harder task than Eren was expecting honestly. If Levi doesn’t want to be found, he won’t be, and unless Eren wants to park his ass outside Levi’s quarters in the hopes of eventually catching him, he’s just going to have to play the waiting game.

Trouble is, Eren’s never been very patient.

It helps that Hanji essentially spirits him away the moment the headquarters are spotless. They catch him before dinner - Levi still conspicuously absent - and ask if he’d mind answering some questions quickly. Having nothing better to do and feeling a little sorry for himself, Eren agrees. There’s no harm in a few questions, after all.

He is so very, very wrong.

“Right,” Hanji says, ushering Eren into their room. They apparently have no qualms about sleeping in the basement, and have made quite the little nest for themselves in what looks to have been old servant quarters. There are pipes through the ceiling and an old dumbwaiter that Eren doubts the structural integrity of. “You’ll have to excuse me, I haven’t got any of my things with me. I’ve sent for them though, so I’ll have my usual set up within the week.”

“Set up?” Eren asks, sitting down when directed to do so.

“Yes, my lab equipment. Unfortunately as much as I’d like to take samples, I haven’t even got my microscope with me.” They sigh sadly before perking up. “But! I have my notebook, so we are good to go, my friend.” They plop down on the floor in front of him, disregarding the spare chair entirely, and spread out a dilapidated notebook across their lap. Pages flutter to the floor, torn and dog eared and covered in a mess of sketches Eren can’t decipher from this angle, but they eventually manage to find a blank page and look up at him with eyes sparkling behind their goggles, pencil poised and ready to scribble. “So, Eren.”

He’s genuinely a little terrified. “Yeah?”

“You had no idea you possessed your ability?”

Eren shakes his head. “None.”

“And it first manifested in Trost?”

“Yes.” They start scribbling manically.

“Now, I’ll be blunt, do forgive me. But you were eaten by a titan.”

Eren swallows. “Yes.” The memory is a vivid one and he hasn’t been able to forget it, unlike pretty much everything else that happened in Trost. He supposes that near death experiences tend to be more memorable than other stuff.

“What do you remember? In detail, if you can.”

He’d rather not, but he’s anxious to know as much as he can about his own… condition, and Hanji’s probably his best bet for any answers. For now at least. “I… We moved out. The cadets, I mean. We were… going to fight. And before I could… I was mid flight, I think. A titan jumped as I passed over it. Bit my leg off. I hit a roof and I think the impact knocked me out. I could hear screaming and when I came to, Armin was about to get eaten. I grabbed him and pulled him out of the titan’s mouth, but it bit down before I could get out.”

Hanji’s pencil is moving frantically all across the page. Eren focuses on it, pushes his feelings down, tries to be as factual as he can so that the memory doesn’t dredge up the panic that had nearly incapacitated him at the time.

“And then? When it bit down?”

“I… Passed out. I think. I remember waking up, coming around because I couldn’t breathe. I was… In its stomach? Everything was red.”

Hanji’s eyes flash. “What did you see?”

“Like… the lining? Is that the word? It was like a cavern, like, flesh? All around me. It was huge, maybe six meters across? And filled with this red fluid that was too watery to be blood, though there was still a lot of that, too.” He swallows hard. “Bodies. Soldiers, civilians. There was a girl inside. She was still alive, I think. Dying. She was speaking about her mom. And I…”

“It’s alright, Eren. You’re in the scout headquarters with me. It’s been three days since Trost and you are alive and unharmed. It’s six-forty-three in the evening on a Wednesday.”

Hanji’s strange little comment helps a lot and Eren manages a grateful if weak smile. “I think that’s when I… I got angry. I was so angry that they’d gotten in, killed so many of us. We lost… We lost some of our classmates, seconds into the siege. I was so _angry.”_ It had eclipsed the fear at the time, blocked out the pain in his arm and his leg, had pushed everything down until it was all he could feel.

“Was that when you changed?”

“I think so.”

“Can you remember what it felt like?”

Eren is quiet for a long moment. “It was like… Every part of me lit up, like I’d been hit by lightning but it didn’t hurt. Like I was made of energy, almost. The anger, all I could feel was anger, and then there was… _Euphoria.”_

“Ooooh,” Hanji says, enthralled. “Good word, I like it. Go on.”

“I don’t remember much else. When I came to, the wall garrison were preparing to kill me.”

“And you couldn’t remember anything at the time?”

“No. It’s like my memory shorts out and it takes a while for everything to come back to me.”

Hanji hums, pencil moving though they’re no longer looking at the page. Instead they’re regarding Eren with deep interest. “I wonder if frequent changes would help with the memory. From all accounts, the problem was that once you shifted, you forgot who you were. You were titan, not Eren as a titan, which is why you lost control instead of sealing the breach first.”

Eren looks away guilty. “I would have done it if I could. It’s like the anger takes over and I can’t control it.”

“Understandable,” Hanji says easily. “Which is why I’d be interested in getting you to shift. Under controlled conditions we should be able to figure out where the issue arises. Whether the overwhelming nature of the change is what’s causing your temporary amnesia, or whether the titan you become has a separate will from your own that takes over. Absolutely _fascinating.”_

“So I need to change again?” Eren asks faintly.

“Well, of course, we want to use your ability, not waste it,” Hanji says. “Which is why I’m here. I’ll be conducting your trials, with your permission of course. You are in control here, Eren, don’t let the MP bastards convince you otherwise. You’re not a weapon, you’re an aid. You’ve had awful responsibility thrust onto you, and it’s our job to guide you through it. We won’t wield you like nothing more than a tool, we want to help you nurture this ability. There’s no need to be afraid of it.”

Eren looks at them, something like hope fluttering in his chest. “That… That’s the most reassuring thing I’ve heard since this whole mess started.”

“Poor lamb,” Hanji says kindly, tapping his knee with the end of their pencil. “It’s not fair that this happened to you without warning. But we’ll make the best of it! We can have some fun together, I’m sure we will.”

Eren smiles more genuinely this time. “As long as you keep your scalpels to yourself.”

“Aww, spoilsport,” Hanji pouts. “Levi already warned you, I see.”

“Yeah, he mentioned it.”

“Fine, fine, no scalpels. For now.” They grin widely. “Now, you mentioned nightmares?”

“Yeah.”

“When did they start?”

“I’ve had them since I was a kid. Since…”

“Shiganshina?”

“Yeah. But the ones… The ones about my dad and the power, they started shortly after my second year as a cadet. Infrequently, but often enough to be weird. And sometimes during the day, too.”

“When you slept?”

“No. I’d be awake and get… Like a memory. Of my dad yelling, crying, telling me I had to learn how to control the power. He had… like a syringe in his hand? Then there’s always a burning pain in the back of my neck, sweeps through my whole body. And then a titan eats my dad and I wake up.”

Hanji lowers their pencil. “Where does the titan come from?”

“I don’t know,” Eren says. “But… It’s like the memory changes perspective? Like one minute I’m me, staring at my dad, and then I’m looking down at him as he gets eaten instead of below. I can never see the titan. Only its hands.”

Hanji slowly closes their notebook. “Eren,” they say, voice gentle. “The burning pain. It’s in your nape?”

The word, heavy with significance, makes Eren’s stomach twist. “Yeah.”

“And you can only see the titan’s hands?”

“Yeah.”

Hanji is silent for a long moment. “Thank you,” they finally say, smiling. “That’s all I need for now. You’ve been wonderful, Eren, I’m sorry for bringing up painful memories.”

“Wait, no,” Eren says, suddenly nervous. “Why ask about my nape? And the titan’s hands? What is that meant to mean?”

Hanji gets to their feet, resting their hands on Eren’s shoulders. “I’ll tell you. But I’d like to go over what you’ve told me first. And also because this is all very fresh for you. I don’t want to overwhelm you. Let me compile everything you’ve told me and I’ll come back to you in a little while. Trust me, I know what I’m doing.”

Eren aches to push but he doesn’t. “Alright,” he says reluctantly.

“Thank you.” Hanji pats his shoulder. “Now let's go and eat, before Levi takes my head off for stealing you away.”

Eren highly doubts that Levi would do such a thing, but honestly Eren isn’t that good at predicting Levi’s behaviour anymore. Whether they’ve changed in the years they spent apart or if there’s something else going on Eren doesn’t know, but something _has_ shifted and it bothers him that he doesn’t have an explanation for it.

His worries are eased somewhat, though, when he and Hanji walk into the dining hall to find the others chatting amicably over food and they welcome them into their group easily. Farlan passes Eren a hot bowl of stew that has honest to god meat in it and Eren’s so grateful and so hungry that he bolts it down in double time.

“We were starting to worry about you two,” Farlan says. “Moblit was convinced Hanji had stolen you away to dissect you.”

“Rude,” Hanji sniffs over their own bowl. “I would never dream of hurting Eren. He’s my new best friend.” They wink at him and Eren grins back, cheered both by their outlook and their personality. He can see why the others like them so much.

“So what’s the deal with the pet titans?” Eld asks after a lull in conversation. “Not you, Eren,” he says with a wink and Eren rolls his eyes, kicking the leg of Eld’s chair.

“Oh, my babies?” Hanji says and Moblit groans into his hands. “Oh, they’re wonderful, thank you for asking.”

“There is so much wrong with you,” Moblit says into his hands. Isabel and Eren snicker.

“We’ve been looking after them, don’t you worry,” Hanji says, all smiles. “We did a few tests, ran a few scenarios and it is _fascinating_ stuff.”

“Should I be jealous?” Eren asks. “Do you like your other test subjects more than me?” His quip prompts a volley of laughter from everyone gathered.

“Eren, my darling, there is no competition,” Hanji says, placing a hand over their heart. “But I’m a bit less careful with these two than I’m going to be with you.”

“Thanks. That’s… Reassuring. I think.”

“We’ll need to arrange for them to be transported here eventually,” Hanji says, waving their spoon around. “I’d like to see how they respond to Eren’s titan. Apparently titans still see him as prey, isn’t that incredible?”

“You’re wasting your breath, Hanji,” Farlan says, shaking his head. “No one here gives a shit.”

“I do,” Eren offers and Hanji blows him a kiss.

“See? This is why you're my new favourite. And shame on you, Farlan! You’re supposed to be my assistant! Why won’t you assist me?”

“Because I didn’t sign up to babysit titans!” Farlan shoots back. “No offence, Eren.”

“None taken. Just saying, though, your other leg is starting to look kind of tasty.” Farlan barks a loud laugh at that, leaning over to shove Eren’s shoulder good-naturedly. It had been a bit of a risk, admittedly, but thankfully Farlan hadn’t taken offence to the joke. He’s always been easy going, though, and he seems to have made peace with his situation. The gear that helps him walk truly is a marvel and all jokes aside, Eren is so proud of his friend for what he’s had to overcome. It seems horrifically unfair, though, that Eren’s able to regenerate limbs as he pleases.

“Right, kids,” Isabel says, hopping to her feet. “I’m going to bed. No doubt our Captain will find more for us to clean tomorrow, so I’m getting some sleep while I can.”

“Yeah, sleep,” Farlan says, raising a brow. Petra smacks him round the back of the head, though her cheeks are bright red. Eren smiles at the women as they leave, pleased that amidst everything, Isabel’s managed to find some true happiness.

They all deserve it.

“Will Jan be coming?” Eren asks.

“Hoping so,” Farlan says. “Erwin’s telling all the scouts the situation on a need to know basis, once he’s discerned if they’re trustworthy. Not that we doubt our comrades, obviously, but who knows how they’ll react? Plus we’ve got new recruits joining hopefully, so there’s a lot going on outside of this castle. We’ll see. But he’s safe and well, though he’ll probably hitch a ride over with all of Hanji’s crap. Oops, I mean, all of their “essential scientific research tools”.”

“Good save,” Hanji says. “He called my beloved microscope an outdated piece of crap his first day on the job and I nearly beheaded him.”

“It is an outdated piece of crap,” Farlan whispers to Eren. “But they’re sentimental.”

“That microscope is older than you are! Have some respect.”

* * *

Levi is definitely avoiding him.

Eren doesn’t see Levi for more than a few seconds at a time over the next few days, and always from a distance whenever he does manage to catch sight of him. By the time Eren is able to get close, Levi’s done with whatever he came to speak with the others about and is already moving away. It’s endlessly frustrating and Eren is really starting to take it personally. He’d be fine about it if Levi was too busy to talk to any of the others, but it’s just Eren that he’s avoiding. And that really fucking stings.

Worse, the others have noticed. Not the scouts so much and Hanji’s too busy with their probing questions to care one way or the other, but Isabel and Farlan have definitely noticed. And worse than that, Farlan’s taken to looking horrifically guilty whenever he witnesses Levi giving Eren the slip and Eren’s starting to get mighty fucking suspicious that there’s something going on that he doesn’t know about.

The cadets should be choosing their regiments today, though, which is why Eren hasn’t yet had the chance to corner Farlan about Levi’s behaviour. HQ is spotless, the storage rooms are stocked for the rest of the corps’ arrival and Eren’s too distracted by Hanji’s constant queries to think of much else, which is good but it also means this weird situation with Levi is going to drag on indefinitely. Once the scouts arrive Hanji’s going to want to start their training in earnest, which Eren is dreading and curious about in equal measure.

Hanji’s promised to be gentle with him, to start them off slowly, but Eren’s always been impatient and would honestly much rather they toss him in the deep end. He’s anxious enough about everything that has happened, is happening, and has yet to happen, that he’s half tempted to demand they start experiments already. He’d much rather have something to do with himself other than answer questions and worry about the welfare of his absent friends.

Also, letting Hanji have free reign over Eren for experimentation purposes might draw Levi out of hiding. But probably not. Honestly, Eren’s whole life has boiled down to frustration over questions he doesn’t yet have the answers to and it’s really starting to piss him off. More than once he considers biting into his hand and going titan in the courtyard to bait Levi, but that option - no matter how tempting - is really not the way Eren wants to solve the problem.

Even if it does seem like it would be really satisfying.

He tries really hard not to let it all get to him. Unsuccessfully, but he tries. Problem is, he can’t go far without supervision, though the others are always sweetly mindful about making sure he doesn’t feel restricted by their presence. They don’t want him feeling like a prisoner, and he doesn’t for the most part, he just wishes he had some gear so he could go flying in the forest and work off some of his restless energy, but they won’t be getting any gas supplies until at least next week.

Eren’s dissatisfied and pissed off and anxious and restless and it’s all so fucking much he feels like he’s going insane. There’s nothing for him to do, nowhere for him to go, and this isn’t how he pictured his life as a scout going, not by a fucking longshot. And now he’s so restless he can hardly sleep at night, so he’s fucking exhausted, too.

In short, everything fucking sucks. He’s itching to start a fight just as an excuse for something to do. He doesn’t want to lash out at anyone, not well-meaning Petra, patient Gunther, enthusiastic Hanji, he doesn’t want to upset any of them, but with the absence of the main point of his current frustrations, he doesn’t really have many other options. That’s not how Eren wants to be, though. He does want to be difficult, cause them further stress, because it must be the same for them, too. Thrust into a situation they didn’t want, missing their friends and comrades, uncertain about what’s coming next. Eren feels selfish for thinking he’s the only one struggling, but then again none of them can turn into a titan, so maybe it’s okay that Eren thinks he’s the one suffering the most. At least they can take a fucking shower without someone lurking outside the door to keep watch.

He makes good use of the journal Levi and the others had gotten for him, in the absence of anything else to do. He’s always had a fairly decent talent for sketching, one that his cadet training didn’t really foster, so it’s nice to have the opportunity now. It’s the only thing he can do without feeling like he needs to claw his own skin off and he’s also given more privacy when he’s in his own room, which is nice. At least no one bothers him as long as he doesn’t leave. He doesn’t particularly want to become a reclusive shut in, but he’s running out of options.

So he doodles, he sketches, he gets all his frustrations out on paper and then he either keeps the drawings or tears them up in some weird form of catharsis. It helps, more than he thought it would, so that becomes Eren’s new way of working out his stress. It’s nice, all things considered. The situation could be better, but hopefully things will change once the scouts arrive. He’s hoping Erwin will make an appearance soon with new orders to give them a sense of direction, something to work towards. That would be nice.

Eren’s coping. Not well, but enough to stave off the madness for now. Until Levi gets the hell over himself or Eren can corner him and make him - trust him, he’s going to give Levi hell the next time they’re in the same room together - and they can move past this weird impasse they’re at. It would be nice if Eren could stop feeling like he’s done something wrong while being clueless about what it could possibly be.

He dearly hopes that he’ll get some answers soon. About anything, he’s not fussy. Just some kind of fucking clue about what’s going on so he can stop feeling so fucking lost all the time.

That would be nice. He really isn’t asking for much.


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *vibrates excitedly*
> 
> Grimm, you fuckin know this entire chapter exists bc of you. thank you for letting me go absolutely wild in your DMs when writer’s block kicks my ass. ily <3
> 
> YOU GET TWO CHAPTERS IN ONE DAY BECAUSE I WAS TOO EXCITED. POSTING SCHEDULE WHOMST??? LMAO

Levi has spent the past three days agonising over it and has finally come to the irrefutable conclusion that he’s a fucking coward.

This realisation does not help him in any way.

It’s not the only conclusion he’s come to, but it’s the only one that sticks. He’s spent the majority of the past few days avoiding Eren and he’s sick to the back teeth of his own cowardice, but there literally isn’t another option that doesn’t end poorly for everyone involved. Eren’s stressed, almost to breaking point, Levi can see that even from the careful distance he’s striving to maintain, and if Eren snaps then Levi will snap and the fallout will be too much for the both of them to recover from.

But Levi’s excuses are starting to wear incredibly thin. Every time he spots Eren and Eren spies Levi in return, moves as though to approach, Levi does everything short of firing his anchors and speeding away into the forest never to be seen from again. He’s overreacting, he knows he is, but he just doesn’t want Eren - stressed, tense, constantly overwhelmed Eren - saying something the both of them will regret. Farlan’s already done enough damage, Levi isn’t going to let the kid hurt himself with careless words.

Time was, Levi wasn’t even sure he could feel guilt. A few short years ago, Levi was unapologetic and remorseless. He acted however he pleased because he owed nothing to anyone. He learned so very young that the only way to survive was selfishly. Kenny had hammered that home until Levi slept, ate, and breathed that warped mentality. It kept him alive throughout his teenage years.

It’s destroying him now.

Because Levi can’t go on like this. He can’t keep avoiding Eren because he’s agonising over what might happen. He’s blowing everything wildly out of proportion, could just get the fuck over himself and let Eren down easy when the kid finally does ‘fess up to what Farlan had told him. But Levi knows he’s not going to be able to do that. He’s not just going to be able to stand there and be nice about it. He’s going to say something stupid and that’ll be it. No more sweet smiles and dorky laughter. His friendship with Eren - the friendship Eren worked so hard to attain - will be over.

And Levi will get over it, because he’s built to endure. Eren will, eventually, but it’ll strain their already fraught relationship beyond what either of them can handle. How is Levi meant to maintain that he can control Eren if the kid can’t stand the fucking sight of him? If Levi breaks his heart - which he will, there’s no escaping it - how are they meant to form a cohesive unit and retake wall Maria?

It’s not a long term solution, but avoidance is all Levi has. There really is no other option.

It bothers him, though. Two and a half years of missing the kid and now that he’s literally within arm’s reach, Levi can’t fucking allow himself to be near him. Two and a half years of nothing but letters and fond memories and Levi can’t spend time with Eren the way Isabel and Farlan and even fucking _Hanji_ can. And that’s the fucking kicker. Hanji’s taken to Eren the way Levi always knew they would, practically adopted the fucking kid. More often than not they’re the one strolling the grounds side by side with Eren, nattering about whatever the fuck it is those two could possibly be talking about, while Levi hovers on the outside looking in.

If he ever sees Kenny again, Levi’s going to fucking _strangle_ him.

Getting HQ clean and liveable is a relatively easy task which is frustrating. It’s spotless by day two, supply rooms fully stocked by day three, and now they’re just playing the waiting game while Erwin tries to convince a bunch of terrified new soldiers that the scouts are a good career choice. Levi’s got fuck all to do, which means his chances of bumping into Eren are far higher than he would like, and he’s taken to creeping around the castle like a fucking idiot, listening out for that familiar voice and all but sprinting in the opposite direction when he hears it.

He’s a fucking coward, pure and simple.

Farlan and Isabel think he’s lost it, and they might be right, but they don’t know the half of it. _They_ get to mill around Eren like nothing’s fucking changed, like they’re back at the compound and fucking about in between training sessions. Levi would give literally anything to be near them, to be able to join in on the camaraderie he’s missed. They don’t have long until Mikasa and Armin arrive and their weird little group is complete and Levi won’t be part of it. Mainly because Mikasa is going to kill him the moment she sees him, but because Levi’s too afraid of Eren’s feelings to allow himself to go near the kid.

When did it all go so wrong? Levi never used to be this much of a fucking coward.

Fuck Farlan for opening his goddamn mouth. Fuck Levi for being such a mess. Fuck Kenny for… Literally everything.

Fuck the underground for leaving a mark on Levi he’ll never be able to wash off.

Fuck Levi _again_ for being a coward. He’s so mired in his own bullshit he can’t even do his job right. Erwin never should have made him Captain. Levi can’t stay objective where Eren is concerned, can’t even watch over the kid like he’s supposed to. Every day that passes leaves Eren more tense, more anxious, more restless, and Levi can’t do a thing to help. If he were any sort of leader, he’d be able to deal with this problem, help Eren work out his anxious energy, take him flying or spar with him or give Hanji the go ahead to start their experiments. But he can’t.

Hanji’s the only thing standing between Eren and insanity, at this point. They’re limited to what they can do while Levi pretends to be busy, won’t start the titan experiments until Levi permits them to, which he’s not going to fucking do until he can stomach being around Eren again. In the absence of that permission, they’ve taken to running Eren through tests in his human form. Endurance, healing ability - Levi grits his teeth about that one but what the fuck can he do? The fuck can he _do?_ Fucking nothing, that’s what.

Hanji and Eren get on like a house on fire, though even they aren’t able to keep Eren’s mood from plummeting. Levi would be able to, he knows he could, but… Well. All of the above. Isabel and Farlan have gotten over the courtroom incident at long last, and they know better than to hound Levi about his current self-imposed exile from Eren’s company, but it’s wearing on them, too. They’re playing unwilling mediators to a problem Eren doesn’t even know they have. And the kid’s probably cut up about it; has noticed Levi is ignoring him and Levi is willing to bet good money that the kid thinks it’s his fault.

It’s not. It’s all Levi’s. Isn’t it fucking always?

He’s desperate for something to happen, honestly. Something to distract him from the inactivity and the thoughts that won’t leave him the fuck alone. Anything, he’s not fucking picky.

Karma fucking strikes again. Leave the money on the fucking table. The universe _cannot_ keep fucking him like this without paying him premium.

Hanji’s agonised shriek can be heard right through the castle, all the way from the courtyard to Levi’s chosen hideaway in the oratory. Fucking ironic if he thinks about it, hiding away in a chapel of all places. Levi’s never set foot in a place of worship in his life, but now it’s become his literal sanctuary because no one else comes this far into the castle. But his temporary reprieve is shattered by Hanji’s cry and Levi’s never moved so fast in his fucking life, slips through the high arched window and rips across the battlements with his gear wires hissing, suddenly viscerally afraid that something has happened to Eren.

He drops into the courtyard at the same time Farlan and Isabel come bursting out of the front doors, Petra and Eld already gathered around the still-screaming Hanji. Eren - he’s okay, thank _god_ \- is holding them up, expression a bizarre mix of terror and concern.

“What the fuck is going on?” Levi demands, striding over.

Eren glances at him, surprised to see him, but now isn’t the time for that and he winces when Hanji lets out another mournful cry. “It’s their titans.” He says, patting Hanji’s shoulder gingerly, completely at a loss for how to handle them. “They were killed.”

“Oh no,” Farlan says, covering his ears as Hanji wails. “Shit, Levi, we gotta go back.”

“Go,” Levi says at once. “Take Gunther and Oruo with you. Moblit, do something about-” He gestures at the sobbing section commander. “That.”

Eren passes Hanji over to Moblit while Farlan hurries off to fetch Gunther and Oruo and then it’s a whirlwind of activity as the five of them saddle up and prepare to ride out, following the poor messenger that had the misfortune of bringing them this… news.

Levi’s not going to pretend he gives a shit about the lives of a couple of test subjects, Hanji’s distraught enough for all of them, but it’s fucking shitty luck all the same. Whichever soldier it was is going to face the full brunt of Hanji’s rage once they reach the base and Levi doesn’t envy them in the slightest. You don’t fuck with Hanji’s test subjects. And you certainly don’t ruin their chances of gaining knowledge over a grudge, no matter how much you might hate titans.

When Levi had said he wanted something to happen, he hadn’t meant _this_.

He really needs to be more careful about what he wishes for.

* * *

Erwin sends a missive the next day that Levi reads then promptly sets on fire. Not because it contains any confidential information, but because he’s pissed and he wants to watch something fucking burn, so he holds the letter over a candleflame with a petty sense of vicious glee. There’s going to be an inquest, which is going to postpone the new recruits’ arrival by a few more days, and without Hanji’s mediating presence nearby, Eren’s mood is only going to get worse.

Levi’s confidence that he can stay away from Eren for another few days has effectively taken a running jump out the window. He was so sure when they arrived that he would be able to do it, but that was with Hanji and Farlan and all the new recruits playing unwitting intervention. Now they’ve lost nearly half their meagre number to a vengeful titan killer and keeping Eren at arms length is wearing on Levi in a way he is neither prepared for nor equipped to deal with.

Levi’s so far past breaking point it’s not even funny. He’s literally being held together by stubbornness and spite.

It’s not the direction he saw his scouting career going in, honestly. He’d never even wanted this fucking job, but it’s his now and he needs to make the best of it. He had been, is the kicker. No one can boast Levi’s skill with the gear, no one even comes close to his kill count. He was good at it, excelled at it, but now he’s playing babysitter to Eren and likely will be for the rest of his life. Which isn’t fair. Not on Levi, he deserves far worse, but it’s not fair on Eren. He was meant to join the scouts and… Well, he wasn’t meant to be a prisoner. And Levi was never meant to be his jailer.

Levi’s going to slam his head through his desk and if he’s lucky, the force of it will kill him.

...It does not.

“Ooh, bad vibes in here. Who pissed in your oatmeal?”

“Fuck off,” Levi groans into the pile of paperwork on his desk, the bastard pile that had cushioned his forehead and prevented the impact from putting him out of his misery. It’s all requisition forms and menial shit like that. That’s the only reason Erwin made him Captain, so he could foist all his fucking paperwork off on someone else.

“Charming,” Isabel says. “I’m only here to tell you that Eld and I cleared off the old training grounds. The dummies are all rotten, though, so we had to get rid of those. But on the plus side, we now have enough firewood to see us through the next eighteen winters.”

“Great, good, go away.”

“No, I don’t think I will.” Levi raises his head to glare at her but she ignores him, plopping herself down into the chair on the other side of his desk and propping her feet up on the wood. Her boots are filthy and the throbbing in Levi’s head intensifies. “You’re avoiding me.”

“No, I’m not.”

Isabel hums. “Maybe not me specifically, but you’re avoiding Eren and by extension everyone else. How long are you going to keep this up for?”

“As long as it takes.” If he really puts the effort in, he reckons he can play Eren-keep-away for at least a few more weeks. If he _really_ tries.

“As long as it takes until what?”

“When I figure that out, I’ll let you know.”

“He’s upset about it, you know,” Isabel says and Levi is absolutely going to throw something at her. “He’s not an idiot, he knows something is up.”

“Will you _please_ ,” Levi says, agonised, “go the fuck away.”

“Fucking hell,” Isabel says, hurt flashing across her face and now Levi feels _worse_. “What is _with_ you? You were so fucking happy to be coming back, I caught you smiling, for fuck’s sake. And now you can’t stand to be around anyone. Do you know how bad that shit hurts? I know you just fucking love to play the part of the icy loner, but for those of us who give a shit about you, it got old, like, a decade ago.”

“Look, if you’re here just to yell at me and give me shit, can you-”

“I’m not here to yell at you!” Isabel… yells. Levi raises his eyebrows and Isabel has the decency to look a little sheepish about her outburst, but only for approximately ten seconds before she’s frowning again. “I’m really not. God knows you’re probably giving yourself enough shit for all of us. I just don’t understand why. Is it the courtroom?”

Honestly? No. Does Levi regret it? Yeah. Is he ever going to forgive himself for it? No. But Eren has, so Levi’s going to take that, even though he doesn’t deserve it. “No,” he says.

“So it’s the… other thing.”

Right. Excellent. “Spot on.”

“Will you fucking-” She cuts herself off, takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. “You make it… so difficult to talk to you.”

“Because I don’t want to talk. I genuinely don’t know how to make that any clearer.”

“There used to be a time when the only people you’d let close to you were me and Farlan,” Isabel says, ignoring him. “We knew you better than anyone. Now it’s anyone’s fucking guess what’s going on with you. It makes me sad.”

Levi opens his mouth but shuts it when no rebuttal is forthcoming. The hell is he even meant to say to that? Levi’s never been personable, hell, the only reason Isabel and Farlan have stuck around this long was because he could keep them safe, down below ground. Farlan had tried to jump Levi the first time they’d met, and Levi had handed Farlan his own ass so thoroughly the idiot had never left him alone after. Isabel had begged to join their weird little gang and Levi had given in because… Well, because she’d been barely fourteen and clutching a tiny bird to her chest like she’d die to protect it. It would have basically been child endangerment if he had left her to fend for herself.

But… Shit. Levi has fucked up. Farlan and Isabel, they’re his family. They’re not shitty tagalongs that he wants to ditch or get rid of. Hell, he’d die for either of them without a second thought. And he’s pushed them both so far away without explanation.

“God damn it,” Levi mutters, covering his face.

“There he is,” Isabel says, sounding satisfied. “Can I have my brother back, please? Whoever this asshole is, I don’t like him.”

“Yeah, me neither.” He sighs, dragging his palms down his face. “I’m so goddamn tired. Why couldn’t Farlan have kept his mouth shut?”

“Because he’s an idiot,” Isabel says. “Is that what this has all been about? You’re giving Eren the slip because you don’t want him to…”

“Yeah.” Levi grimaces. “It’s fucking unbearable, Isabel. I’m fucking terrified that he’s going to spill it the moment we’re alone together. I can’t have that. I’m his superior. And I’m…” Broken. “Me.”

Isabel gives him a flat look. “You can just tell him you’re not interested. He’ll get over it. Eventually. He wouldn’t make you feel guilty about it, you know he’s not like that. You’re acting like it’s going to change anything. He’d never let it. You mean too much to him.”

Levi snorts. “That’s going a bit far.”

“Oh, is it?” Isabel looks at him like he’s just dribbled down his own shirt. “It’s going a bit far to say you mean a lot to him? Did you not get that when Farlan said he-”

“Don’t say it again.”

“Right. Sorry.” She huffs. “It’s not a bad thing, Levi. It’s actually really sweet. He thinks the world of you, you know that. And he misses you. Please don’t keep this up for too much longer. He could really use your support right now.”

Yeah. Levi knows that. Levi can’t stop thinking about it. The worst part about all of this is that he knows if he waltzed up to Eren right now, Eren would smile that stupidly wide smile at him and they’d be able to pick up right where they left off before Levi got weird about everything. He could do it, it would be so easy, but there’s still the fucking risk that Eren will… Say what he wants to say. And Levi will have to let him down. And he can’t fucking do it. He can’t hurt Eren like that.

“I’ll think about it,” Levi says, massaging his temples. “Just… Give me time. It’s a mess up here.” He taps a finger against his head.

“I know,” Isabel says softly. “I get it. But… You don’t have to earn love, Levi. You’re allowed to have it, just because you exist. It’s not conditional on what you can give to others. It’s...” She clicks her fingers. “Reciprocal. Not transactional. See, Farlan and I, we love you. Even though you piss me the hell off like ninety percent of the time. Is it so bad that Eren feels the same? What are you so afraid of?”

Levi doesn’t know how to answer that.

* * *

With Isabel’s words weighing heavily on his mind along with everything else, Levi is once again too stressed to sleep. He holds out for as long as he can before giving it up as a lost cause, shoving his feet into his boots and risking a late night venture into the kitchens. It’s long past midnight, no one else will be awake, and he’s barely eaten these past few days, having been unwilling to enter into anyone else’s company.

The kitchens are empty when he steps inside, though the remains of a fire still flickers gently in the hearth. An oversight Levi should address, but for now it means half his job has already been done for him and he tosses a couple of logs onto the dying flames to bring them back to warmth and life. He sets the iron bowl of Eld’s leftover stew over it to reheat and gets a pot of tea brewing, finding rare comfort in the methodical process.

With a warm meal and strong tea inside him, Levi’s nerves settle for the first time in days. He’s as close to relaxed as he’s going to get for the time being, and for the duration the contents of the teapot will last, he is determined to forget the sensation of being crushed under the weight of his own responsibility.

At least until the latch on the dining hall’s far door clicks open, heavy wood swinging open on well-oiled hinges. Levi doesn’t move, freezes in place, and waits to see exactly who it is that’s disturbing his hard-won moment of peace. With any luck, it’ll just be Isabel skulking around for a late night snack.

It’s not.

Because the universe is conspiring to torment Levi specifically, in walks the cause and cure for all of Levi’s current stress and confusion, looking lost in thought as he slips into the dining hall like a ghost. He gently closes the door behind him; he doesn’t even seem to have noticed Levi’s there, which means Levi has about fifteen seconds to escape without incident and carry on avoiding Eren the way he has been for far too long already.

Then Eren stops dead when he sees the fire flickering within the stone fireplace. His eyes sweep over the room and come to rest at last on Levi, who is half hoping that if he doesn’t move, Eren won’t be able to see him.

A moment passes. Eren stares at him. Levi stares back.

Then Eren sniffs and turns away, continuing on to the heart to fetch himself a bowl of leftover stew, completely ignoring Levi the entire time.

Alright, so maybe Levi deserves that. It still stings more than he expected it to.

Eren doesn’t leave with his food, though. He takes it over to one of the empty tables and sits down with it, only a few feet away, but he ignores Levi like he doesn’t exist, sits down with his back to him, though he hunches over his bowl with his shoulders drawn up to his ears.

Levi stares at Eren’s back, chest aching. He never wanted this.

Well, nothing to be done. Levi resigns himself to a wasted batch of tea leaves and gets up to clear his pot and bowl away, unwilling to sit in the room and be ignored, no matter how much he may deserve it. He’s a masochist, sure, but even he has his limits.

He’s halfway to the door when Eren speaks, sudden and loud in the silence of the room, though his voice is carefully low.

“Are you ever going to tell me what I did wrong?”

Levi closes his eyes. Alright. Alright, _fine_.

“It’s nothing you’ve done,” Levi says to the door, unwilling to turn around. If he has to look Eren in the eye, he’s going to want to be honest and that’s going to cause a metric fuck tonne of additional problems for the both of them. “Just… Forget about it, kid.”

“Kind of hard to do when it’s just me you’re avoiding,” Eren says accusingly. “And I wouldn’t mind if I thought you were busy, but you’re not. There’s nothing to fucking do, so obviously there’s something wrong here. And evidence suggests the problem is me.”

Yes, but not in the way he thinks. “It’s not you, Eren.” Levi cannot turn around, but this is starting to sound like a fucking “it’s not you, it’s me” talk and Levi is _not_ here for that shit. Even if it is true.

“It’s not anyone else though, is it?” Eren says with a hollow laugh. “I just- I kept asking you if it was fine and you kept saying it was but it’s not, is it? All you can see is a titan. And you keep _lying_.” Eren’s voice cracks and Levi is never going to forget the sound of it. It’s going to haunt him for the rest of his life. “I don’t want to be like this, either. But you said it didn’t matter. So why won’t you even look at me?”

Levi turns around. “It’s not about that,” he snaps. Eren’s eyes widen, miserable expression slipping right off his face and leaving only shock behind. “I don’t give a shit about any of that and I won’t fucking tell you again. I just _can’t_ -” He cuts himself off with an angry growl. “You don’t know the fucking half of it, Eren. I’ve got a whole team to look after, I’m supposed to sign off on Hanji testing you like a lab rat and be okay with it, I’ve got to pretend I’m alright with Erwin brainwashing a group of teenages into dying for the cause. I’ve got _so_ much going on and on top of it all, I’m now your superior and I have no idea how to deal with that.”

“You were my friend first,” Eren says. “Before you ever made Captain. Things haven’t changed nearly as much as you think they have.”

Levi almost laughs. “Haven’t they? Farlan’s lost his leg, you’re public enemy number one, we have to drag you out past the walls and force you to mow down titans and find out what the hell’s in your dad’s fucking basement. None of this was meant to happen, Eren.”

“No, but…” His face twists. “I meant with us. Nothing’s changed. I’m still me, you’re still you. I just don’t understand why you’re so intent on avoiding me.”

“Because I shouldn’t be around you,” Levi snaps. “I’m fucking- I don’t deserve it, Eren. I hurt you in that courtroom and I’m hurting you now even when I’m trying not to and I can’t fucking stand it. You weren’t meant to become a fucking political ward of the scouts, you were meant to fight _with_ them, not as their fucking weapon. You didn’t even get a fucking choice.”

“I know,” Eren says quietly. “And this would have all been a lot more bearable if you hadn’t shut me out.”

Levi doesn’t have a response for that. “I… Yeah. See? I can’t fucking do any of it right.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Eren barks, annoyed. “Come and sit down, idiot. I’m not having this conversation with you like this.”

The _cheek_ of this one. It’s so endearingly familiar. “I’m still your fucking Captain, brat.”

“No, you’re not,” Eren says, tossing his spoon down and getting to his feet. “You’re my friend and you’re being a colossal asshole. So come and sit down and have a proper fucking conversation with me before I make you.”

This is rapidly approaching dangerous territory, but Levi can’t stop the faint smile from twitching his lips up. He really has fucking missed the kid. “When did you get so mouthy?”

“I’ve literally always been like this. Now park it.”

Amused, Levi does as he’s told, settling down at the table across from Eren who looks satisfied by his cooperation. He doesn’t sit back down himself, though. Instead he slips away from the table over to the hearth and sets another pot of tea brewing. Levi grimaces while Eren’s not looking, not particularly keen on suffering through a badly brewed pot in front of one of the few people who can read Levi’s face well enough to know when he’s bullshitting.

“Assam?”

Oh, good. Eren’s going to butcher one of Levi’s favourite blends. He’s already gagging at the prospect. “Sure.”

Eren hums and clinks around as he prepares the tea and Levi watches him intently, too pleased with the proximity. He should go now before they get into dangerous waters, before Eren says what he wants to say and Levi has to hurt him. But it’s been so long, years even, since they’ve spent more than a few minutes in each other’s company, and Levi isn’t willing to end it just yet. Even if Eren wants to have a go at him, Levi’s willing to bear it for however long it takes for Eren to forgive him.

He’s not sure what that says about him.

“Here,” Eren says after a few minutes, setting the cup down in front of Levi. Levi murmurs his thanks, but doesn’t lift it right away. He’d prefer to get them back to how they were before he left before he sips the tea and ends up gagging and hurting Eren’s feelings. It’s not that he doubts Eren’s tea-making skills - he does, he really does - but he’s yet to find anyone able to brew tea to his liking. Farlan and Isabel know him best and despite many, _many_ attempts to teach them, they still can’t fucking manage it.

“So,” Eren says, sitting back down. “The fuck is your problem?”

Levi snorts. “I’m just stressed, kid, that’s all. Don’t take it personally. I mean it. I just… Needed some time to get my head on straight. It’s been a crazy few days.”

“Yeah, you’re telling me. But I missed you.” Eren kicks his shin under the table. “It’s been literal years.”

Levi grunts, lips thinning. “I know. Sorry about it.”

“It’s fine, just… Don’t shut me out. I’m not asking you to tell me everything, god knows it would get me nowhere if I asked, but… We’re still friends, right?”

Levi sighs. “Yeah. Don’t worry about that. I just get too in my own head sometimes.”

“Yeah, I noticed,” Eren flashes him a brief smile and Levi might have fucking missed the kid but he sure hasn’t missed _this_. What the _fuck?_ Why? How? Why is he like this? Why is it that everything Eren does sends Levi’s insides fluttering? Why is it that Eren managed to get into places inside Levi that he thought he had locked against everyone else? Why is Eren different? “You really haven’t changed at all.”

“Think so?”

Eren hums. “Yeah. Still a stoic asshole. Still cagey and rude. Still take too much on and won’t let anyone help you.”

“Damn, kid, tell me how you really feel.” Oh no. No, that’s not what Levi meant-

“No, I don’t think I will,” Eren says, suddenly serious. “I don’t think you could handle that.”

Levi stares at him. He really shouldn’t ask. He really shouldn’t, the whole reason he was avoiding Eren was so that this _wouldn’t happen_. And yet. And fucking yet: “What about that thing you wanted to tell me before I left?”

_Goddamn it._

Eren’s brow furrows. “I… Was just being a stupid kid. You know how overdramatic teenagers are.”

Levi’s a fucking idiot. Levi is a goddamn moron of epic proportions and he’s underestimated Eren once again. The kid’s smart, he’s no longer that headstrong, impulsive child Levi left behind. He’s a headstrong, impulsive adult, but he’s so much more rational than he once was. He’s still got that fire, that rage in him, but he’s learning how to hone it now, to wield it rather than let it control him. Levi had underestimated him, had thought Eren too irrational, that he would blurt that stupid thing out without thinking.

“Alright,” Levi says, relaxing for the first time in days. Eren sees it and beams at him and… Yeah. Levi’s an idiot. If he hadn’t reacted so poorly, they could have gotten this easiness between them back a lot sooner.

Levi exhales in a fond sigh, lifting his teacup to his lips and steeling himself for the subpar mouthful he’s going to have to endure. Honestly, there’s no one who can brew an acceptable cup of tea around...

...Here…

“Hope it’s okay,” Eren says absently, poking at the dregs of his stew. “I tried to do it the way you do. Didn’t pour boiling water on the leaves.”

Levi stares into the teacup.

“You always said Farlan oversteeps it, but I didn’t want to make it too weak, either. If it’s not okay, I can brew another?”

“It’s fine,” Levi says hoarsely. “Thanks.”

It’s not fine. It’s not fucking fine. It’s fucking perfect.

No.

Absolutely not.

He can’t, not after all the effort he’s put in to keep Eren at arm’s length. This cannot be how Levi’s life finally goes to shit. Eren deserves so much better and Levi can’t give him what he needs, is literally his guardian, there has to be rules against this. Oh god, Levi tried so hard for literally nothing. It’s not fair, it’s not _fair._

_How long? How fucking long has it been like this?_

“I remember you telling me, god, ages ago?” Eren smiles at him, small and sweet, and Levi’s heart rockets up into his throat with a speed that leaves him breathless. “It was either Farlan or Isabel who’d done it wrong, but you went on this fucking tirade about how to brew a proper pot of tea and I thought - I remember because I was trying so hard not to laugh, you looked so _offended_ \- I thought I should probably remember it in case I ever had to appease you.” He laughs softly. “Guess I was right.”

Oh no.

Oh _no._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONGRATULATIONS LEVI. YOU FUCKING IDIOT. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH YOU COLOSSAL DUMBASS.


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to say, literally every comment I got that was like "OF COURSE IT WAS THE TEA", you. you all get it. I fuckin' love you. I was so excited for that chapter and I'm so blown away as always by your lovely comments. So fucking happy that I didn't even realise we'd hit 200,000 words. HOW? NO IDEA!

The next morning proves to be a bit of a struggle, but Eren really doesn’t care. Yes, he went to bed far later than he should have, yes, he stayed up talking to Levi until it was irresponsibly late and then spent another couple of hours lying in bed and beaming giddily at the ceiling, but he’ll take the tired ache in his eyes and his muscles, he’ll take it all and he won’t complain even a little bit, because things are okay now and Eren’s mood is fucking soaring because of it.

It’s an oversimplification, if not an outright lie - things are definitely not okay, are very much still an overwhelming mess - but Eren is finding it hard to care about any of it right now. Not with the memory of Levi illuminated by firelight fresh in his mind, relaxed for the first time in days and behaving like he used to before everything went to shit. How is Eren meant to care about anything when things are slowly approaching normal again and Levi is no longer avoiding him?

He’s not, and he won’t even try. He’s too happy. For the first time since Trost, his head is wonderfully, blessedly silent and he’s unwilling to let anything change that. He’ll do anything to keep things as they are now; calm, relaxed, easy. Which means that his feelings - the big ones, the ones that would likely send Levi running for the hills - need to stay firmly under lock and key. Which he can do, he’s had plenty of practice. But it’s hard not to fall for someone when they keep being so wonderful all the time.

Levi’s been forced to shoulder a heavy burden. Not just Eren’s life, but the lives of his teammates, the lives of his comrades. His skill with his blades and his gear puts him in the unenviable position of having to hold the front lines almost single-handedly. He’s their best weapon against the titans and he knows it. Couple that with his deeply ingrained compulsion to shoulder all responsibility alone, then it’s no surprise that his response is to withdraw, to pull away. Eren doesn’t blame him for avoiding everything, but he now has a firm promise that Levi won’t do it again.

Eren isn’t asking him to share more than he’s prepared to, would never push Levi’s boundaries like that, but neither is he going to let Levi get crushed under the weight of his own responsibility. Not while Eren’s around, willing and able, to help.

And yes, there’s still tension written into every line of Levi’s body. One night of talking isn’t going to solve everything, but at least he knows where Eren stands now and they can exist near each other without the weight of words unspoken sitting heavy between them. Well, no, there’s plenty going unsaid, but that’s all on Eren’s part and it has nothing to do with Levi. Or… No, it has everything to do with Levi, but Eren isn’t going to let the fact that he loves Levi become a problem.

“Stop fucking daydreaming and do some fucking work, brat.”

...Starting right now.

Eren catches the curry comb Levi lobs at his head and turns his attention back to the highly strung mare between them. She eyes Eren with distrust but so far she hasn’t acted out beyond attempting to give him a nasty bite on the arm. Levi had warned him that she would, that she usually doesn’t let anyone but Levi near her, but she seems at least willing to attempt to tolerate Eren’s proximity as long as her beloved rider is nearby.

“Start from her neck,” Levi instructs, stroking Lark’s nose with gentle fingers. She whickers softly, shoving her face eagerly against his hands. “Let her get used to you.”

“‘Kay,” Eren murmurs, edging slowly towards Lark’s neck. She swings her head round to him and Eren leaps back before she can bite him again.

“Not like that,” Levi says impatiently. “You’ll make her nervous if you act like you’re scared of her.” He clicks his tongue, calling Lark’s attention back to him, though her ears are swiveled in Eren’s direction. “Show her you aren’t going to hurt her and she’ll be fine.”

Eren frowns but steps forward with more confidence this time. Lark’s ears twitch but she doesn’t turn again, too distracted by Levi’s hands smoothing gently over her face. He reaches up to scratch between her ears as Eren sweeps the comb down her neck in a firm stroke and though she twitches, she doesn’t act out. Eren heaves a sigh of relief and sets about combing the dirt dust from her coat.

“Better,” Levi praises. “Keep going and she’ll start to relax.” He moves away from Lark’s head, grabbing a pick and crouching down by her rear left leg. He smoothes a hand down the limb and once he reaches the hoof, Lark obediently lifts her leg so Levi can clean out the dirt that’s trapped in the grooves of her shoe.

“Why’d you pick the grumpiest horse in the corps anyway?” Eren asks, risking a scratch to one of Lark’s ears. She grumbles but reluctantly tilts her head into his touch.

“Because she was the grumpiest,” Levi says which… makes a lot of sense. “That and she nearly took a chunk out of Farlan’s arm when he got close enough. It was love at first sight.”

Eren snorts. Lark’s ears twitch towards the sound of Levi’s voice and Eren can’t really blame her. He and the horse have a lot in common, turns out. Hilarious. “Pretty girl,” Eren tells her, sweeping the comb through her coat until it comes away clean. “You don’t really want to bite me, do you? No, see? Your rider likes me, so you should, too.”

“God knows why,” Levi mutters, moving around to Lark’s right rear leg and working on that one, too. “She’ll get used to you eventually. She’s not above bribery either.” He digs in his pocket, reaching back without looking. Eren bends and holds his hand out, nudging Levi’s fingers with his own to let him know to let go of whatever it is that he’s holding. A couple of sugar cubes tumble into his palm.

“Oh, I see how it is,” Eren says, grinning. “I’m supposed to buy her affection.”

“Worked for me.”

Eren hums and holds the cubs out in his palm for Lark’s inspection. She sniffs at them suspiciously before lipping them out of his hand with surprising speed. After that, Eren’s able to finish cleaning her coat without further incident.

“You done?” Levi asks once he’s finished with her hooves. Eren nods, stepping back and brushing his hands off. Levi gives the mare a slow once over. “Could've been faster,” he says because he’s physically incapable of not complaining for more than about thirty seconds at a time, circling around Lark with a critical expression. “When I asked you to help me groom the horses, I didn’t mean stand around like a fucking moron with your head in the clouds.” He lifts one of the braids Eren’s spent the past twenty minutes weaving into his beloved mare’s mane. “Though you’ve not done a bad job, admittedly.”

“Oh, _thank_ you, Captain.”

Levi throws him a glare, stroking Lark’s nose with more affection than Eren’s seen him show anything else in his life. Is it weird to be jealous of a horse? Probably! “Just can’t get the staff.”

“Well, look at you two!” Isabel says, making Eren jump by hopping up to perch on the stable's half-door. Lark shies back but Levi soothes her immediately with a gentle murmur. “Have you kissed and made up now?”

“Oh, fucking hell,” Levi groans, leaning forward to rest his forehead against Lark’s. She whickers softly at her long-suffering owner while Eren openly laughs at him, glancing over at Isabel with a wide smile.

“Yeah, he got over himself last night,” he tells her, ignoring the dirty look Levi throws at him.

“Thank god for that,” Isabel says, kicking her legs. “What did you do, stay up late braiding each other’s hair? I can see you’ve got a natural talent for it, Eren.”

“Well, I’m clearly in the wrong job, then.”

“I’m sure there’s a market for titan barbers.”

“Eren,” Levi says firmly. “Don’t leave a job half finished.”

“I’m done!”

“With one horse,” Levi says. “We have seven more.”

Oh, shit, right.

“Is there a reason you’re distracting us?” Levi asks Isabel testily, turning his glare on her.

“Yes!” She says, beaming. “I heard you guys chattering away and wanted to come and bother you. Glad you worked things out.” She gives Levi a pointed look, the significance of which is lost on Eren, but he’s glad that someone was giving Levi shit in his absence. He can always count on Isabel to give Levi a hard time when Eren can’t.

“Yeah, yeah, we’re best buds again,” Levi mutters. “It’s a fuckin’ miracle, don’t you have work to do?”

“Nope,” Isabel says gleefully. “Though you do. We’ve got scouts approaching.”

Eren’s head snaps up. “Really?”

“Yup, Eld spotted them while he was on patrol. Not all of them, though, but pretty much every newbie that signed up.” She frowns. “Not a lot, unfortunately, but you can’t really blame them after Trost.”

“Fuck sake.” Levi brushes his hands off, slipping Lark’s halter over her head. “Some warning would have been nice. Grab the others and go wait in the courtyard. Eren, go with her. I’ll take Lark to her stall and come meet you in a minute.”

Eren nods and Isabel hops off the half-door, beckoning for him to follow. He's eager to see which of his friends will have chosen to ally with the scouts. Armin and Mikasa definitely, and Eren is so eager to see them it’s unreal. It feels like it’s been weeks, rather than a handful of days, and he’s so desperate to know that they’re okay. Everything went so wrong so quickly and he’d barely had a chance to speak to them at the time, suddenly too preoccupied with fighting for his life.

“Can’t wait to see Mikasa kick Levi’s ass,” Isabel says with no small amount of glee. “It’s going to be so funny.”

Eren frowns. “I hope she doesn’t. I’d prefer it if he didn’t start avoiding me again.”

“Oh, it’ll be fine, don’t worry.” Isabel pats his shoulder. “Things’ll get better now, just you watch. We’ll be prepping for the next expedition and training the newbies and he’ll be too preoccupied to get in his own head about everything. He complains, but he’s never happier than he is when he’s busy. Gives him less time to freak out about everything.”

Eren understands that sentiment wholeheartedly. “Think he’ll finally sign off on Hanji’s experiments?”

“He doesn’t really have a choice,” Isabel says. “We kind of need to if Erwin wants to prove to the MPs that having you placed in our custody was the right move.” She grimaces. “But you know we won’t let anything happen to you, right? If Hanji gets carried away, don’t be afraid to speak up. I don’t think for a second that they’ll hurt you, but they do get a bit overenthusiastic.”

Eren’s not too concerned about that. The main issue he has is that he’d prefer the experiments to be as private as possible. He doesn’t really want to have to go titan in front of his friends and comrades. He doesn’t want to give them any more excuses to distrust him. He doesn’t care if Levi and the others are around, but the rest of the scouts are an unknown quantity and Eren doesn’t know what any of them think of the situation.

“It’ll be fine,” Isabel says, reading the disquiet on Eren’s face. “Promise.”

Somehow, Eren believes her. But still, he worries.

Eld and Petra are already in the courtyard when they arrive and Isabel and Eren fall into place beside them just as the first of the scouts file through the gates. Erwin and Hanji are leading, Farlan, Gunther, and Oruo close behind, and the number of scouts that follow is significantly less than Eren was expecting. There can’t be more than fifty soldiers at the most, and a number of section commanders are missing from the ranks.

“Took your sweet time,” Levi says, striding across the courtyard with a deeply unimpressed expression.

“Complications,” is all Erwin says, which doesn’t serve to ease the irritation on Levi’s face in any way. He dismounts his horse fluidly and the rest of the scouts do the same. Isabel darts forward to help Farlan down from his horse and the two share a brief hug that makes something in Eren’s chest ache.

“Fuck’s sake,” Levi mutters. “Fine, have the scouts board their own fucking horses, though, I’m not a stable boy. And you have some fucking explaining to do.”

Erwin just smiles, handing his horse off to another scout. “All in good time, Captain.” He turns to Eren while Levi seethes. “Eren, good to see you well. I apologise for keeping you waiting.”

“It’s fine, Sir,” Eren says, surprised to be addressed. “Is… Is this everyone?”

“For now,” Erwin says, glancing back over the loosening formation. “The rest have returned to main HQ, we won’t need the full might of the corps for training. Unfortunately our recruitment attempts were not as successful as I’d hoped.”

An understatement, clearly. Eren glances anxiously over the soldiers assembled but none of them seem bothered at all by his presence. He’d been expecting some distrust, some sneers, but not a single one so much as glances in his direction. He’s more relieved by that than he thought he’d be.

“Get them settled,” Erwin says to Levi who looks supremely dissatisfied at being given that particular task. “We’ll talk later.”

Levi mutters something under his breath that sounds suspiciously close to “get fucked” and he turns on his heel to march away. Isabel and Farlan follow him, as do the rest of the scouts.

“Eren!”

Mikasa’s voice rings out a second before Eren is tackled nearly to the floor, and it’s only because he’d managed to brace himself at the last moment that the both of them don’t go crashing down to the ground. He grunts a little as Mikasa’s arms tighten around his waist but he doesn’t shake her off, just pats her back and lets himself be held.

“Hey, ‘kasa,” he says softly. “I missed you, too.”

She pulls back, eyes flickering anxiously over his face. “You’re okay? They haven’t been mistreating you, have they?”

Eren snorts. “You kidding? Isabel and Levi would hamstring them before they could try anything.” Mikasa’s expression darkens at the mention of Levi’s name and Eren suppresses a heavy sigh. “Don’t get weird about it, Mikasa. Everything’s okay.”

“It’s not,” she says firmly. “He had no right to-”

“Drop it,” he warns her. She stops, shocked by the firmness of his tone. “It was a shitty situation and I’ve spent like, a week trying to convince him that it’s okay. Please don’t bring it up again. I’m fine, I’m okay, it all worked out.”

She doesn’t look convinced but wisely drops the subject. Armin waits patiently for her to step back before he moves in to clap Eren on the shoulder.

“It’s good to see you,” he says warmly. “We were worried.”

“Me, too,” Eren says, resting a hand over Armin’s. “You’re both alright? What happened with the inquest?”

“Nothing,” Armin says with a sigh. “Couldn’t find a single suspect. Everyone’s gear checked out.”

Damn it, that’s not good. Having a vengeful titan killer on the loose wouldn’t be an issue ordinarily, but if the vengeful titan killed turns their sights on Eren, then they’ll have a real problem on their hands. That, and Hanji’s still cut up about losing precious test subjects.

“I’m just glad you guys are okay,” Eren says, smiling at the both of them. “Did anyone else enlist?”

Mikasa nods. “Not many. Erwin tried, he really did, but I think Trost just struck too deeply for too many people. Annie joined the MPs.”

Eren had been expecting that, so he’s neither disappointed, nor surprised. “What about the others? Jean went MP, too, I’m guessing.”

“Wrong again, Jaeger,” a familiar voice says, dripping with sarcasm. Eren whirls around, coming face to face with the last person he expected to see throwing his lot in with the scouts and receiving the dirtiest of glares in the face of his surprise.

“What the fuck?” Eren demands, shocked. “Why the hell are you here?” Because Jean’s not alone, either. Reiner, Bertholdt, Sasha, Connie, Ymir, Christa, they’re all here. All _scouts_ , and Eren can’t believe what he’s seeing. “What the hell, guys? You were pretty much guaranteed spots in the MPs!”

“What were we supposed to do?” Jean demands. “Just act like Trost didn’t happen? Turn a blind eye to it? Let you go haring off on your own?”

“No, but…” Eren looks around at all of them, his friends and his comrades. “You could have been safe.”

“Eren,” Mikasa says, touching his arm softly. “We all have our reasons. Just like you do.”

That’s true, but it still doesn’t make any sense. Jean had been so viscerally opposed to joining the scouts, had many choice words for Eren whenever the topic had come up. It was no secret he thought them all idiots. And with Jean’s scores, he could have joined the MPs and never looked back.

But… Looking around at all of them, Eren can see the look in their eyes that he knows has darkened his own. Trost changed all of them. And he knows that none of them would be able to rest peacefully again if they turned their backs on what they witnessed.

“Well, at least Annie and Marco had the good sense to join the MPs,” Eren jokes weakly. Jean flinches and suddenly no one can meet his eyes. “...What?”

“Marco’s dead,” Jean says quietly, jaw clenched.

Eren stares at him. “You… Please tell me you’re kidding.”

“No.” Jean closes his eyes, exhaling sharply through his nose. “We don’t even know how he went out, whether he went bravely or sacrificed himself or was just unlucky. We didn’t find him until after. From the looks of it, he died alone.”

Grief twists hot and sharp in Eren’s chest. They’d lost so many comrades that day, too many to count, too many to even grieve properly, at least not past the overwhelming sense of sadness that was more generalised than specific. There had been too many to name, too many to mourn properly. But Marco was a friend. And the grief that follows the memory of the siege sharpens into something that cuts through the numbness Eren has wrapped himself in for protection.

“I’m sorry,” is all he can say.

“Don’t be,” Jean snaps. “Just let it have meant something. Erwin says we have a hope of eradicating the titans now that we have you. Is there any truth to that?”

“Jean,” Armin says gently. “That’s a lot to put on one person.”

“I know. But the Commander sure as hell wanted to run with it.” Jean looks to Eren, eyes narrowed. “The hell’s supposed to be in that basement, anyway?”

Eren stiffens, hand coming up to clutch at the key hidden beneath his shirt. How in the hell do they know about that?

“Erwin mentioned it,” Armin tells him, frowning. “It was… Well, we knew the scouts were desperate for recruits. I suppose he thought it would give them hope. Inspire them to join.”

Shit, but even if they were hurting for numbers, Erwin was way out of line using Eren as a bargaining chip. He’d acted like the basement was their gambit, their upper hand, to be used against the MPs to secure Eren’s future. Using it as a tool to recruit more people for their cause just seems so… ugly. Because there’s no guarantee Eren can even get them there, to wall Maria and beyond. His ability is so new, untested, uncontrollable, and promising that much to the scouts seems like setting them up for disappointment that will ultimately get them killed.

How many more people have to die? And why is that weight now settled firmly on Eren’s shoulders?

“I’ll do what I can,” he says quietly. “If the Commander has a plan, I’ll follow him.” No one can do what Eren can, at least no one on their side. As a titan, as a wielder of this power he never wanted, he has little choice but to offer himself to the cause. That choice was made for him long ago.

“Which is why we’re here,” Jean says, folding his arms. “Like it or not, you are our best bet for a future where titans don’t exist. You know what he called you? “Humanity’s hope”. Don’t let it go to your head.”

There’s no danger of that. Not at all. Eren would trade this power for anything, would give up everything to have it taken away from him. Being anyone’s hope… He never wanted that. Maybe when he was younger, yeah, he’d have been ecstatic to be so… important. To have something only he can do, to be useful. But now he’s just tired. Trost destroyed so many lives, Eren’s included. He’ll only ever be a tool now. Whatever freedom he manages to secure for himself will forever be conditional on his usefulness.

“Recruits!” One of the section commanders bellows, cutting through the oppressive atmosphere of Jean’s words. “Uniforms are here, come on.”

They file over, Mikasa and Armin giving Eren a long, sympathetic look before following their comrades, and Eren can only stare after them, unable to even enjoy seeing them again, because it comes with so much shit attached. They’re in danger now, all of them, because they think Eren is their best bet for survival. He’s managed to trick them all, somehow. Or Erwin has, using Eren as his trump card.

“Eren.”

He turns, jumping a little when a hand rests on his shoulder. It’s only Hanji, though, smiling softly. He can’t quite return it, but they aren’t looking at him, they’re watching the new recruits collect the uniforms they’ll be wearing for the rest of their lives.

“It’s always hard, watching the newbies join,” they say, patting Eren’s shoulder gently. “You know that we need them, know that we can’t move forward without them, but still you can’t help but want to warn them away.” They shake their head, sighing softly. “It doesn’t ever really get any easier.”

“I always wanted to join,” Eren says, watching Mikasa pull her cloak around her shoulders. “And I knew my friends would follow me, but I tried not to think about it. Now that they’re all here…” He shrugs. “How am I supposed to deal with the fact that I’m putting them in danger?”

“You aren’t,” Hanji says, glancing at him. “You didn’t coerce them, Eren. They’re all here for their own reasons. Whether to fight or to prove that they can make a difference, or because they want glory. Maybe they’re here because they believe that we stand a chance now that we have you.” Eren frowns at that. “But whatever their reasons are, you aren’t the one responsible for the choices they make.”

“Feels like it, though.”

“It will.” Hanji smiles faintly. “Moblit joined because of me, you know. We’ve been friends for years, his village was just across the river from mine. When I told him I was going to enlist, he spent weeks trying to talk me out of it. He couldn’t, obviously, but when the day came for us to enlist as cadets, he was there, right by my side. Has been ever since. And I know that one day, one of us might die, and I’ll have to deal with that, if he goes first. But I didn’t make him join, I didn’t sign him up forcefully or threaten him. He made that decision himself.

“But you need to know that, while you didn’t force them, you inspired something in them that made them take the leap that they did. Perhaps if you weren’t here, they would have gone in different directions.” They look at him then, expression kind but intense. “But we do have you. And we stand a much better chance with you than we ever would without you. It’s not fair, but it’s all we have.”

“Do you…” Eren swallows. “Do you think I can do it? Retake wall Maria?”

“I don’t know,” Hanji says honestly. “And I think we won’t know until we try. Nothing comes without risk, Eren. And I think your friends know that. And I also think that they believe the risk is worth it. Don’t be afraid that they joined without understanding the risks they’re taking. I think you should feel honoured that they believe you to be worth risking everything for.”

“I’m not, though,” Eren says, chest tight. “I’m not worth that.”

“Didn’t you say you always wanted to be a scout?”

“Wh- Yeah. Pretty much since I could walk.”

“And Levi tried to warn you away?”

“Yeah. Everyone did, honestly.”

“Why did you want to join? Vengeance for Shiganshina?”

“At first.” Eren looks down. “But not so much anymore. I want… I wanted to join because... I wanted freedom. I want to know what’s past the walls. I want to die knowing I did everything I could to get out there and if I have to go down, it’ll be fighting. We weren’t meant to live like this.”

“I wholeheartedly agree,” Hanji says. “And are you willing to do whatever it takes to gain that freedom?”

“Yes,” Eren breathes.

Hanji smiles. “Then how could that not be worth risking everything for?”

* * *

The castle is much livelier now that the new recruits have arrived, and though the full might of the scouts isn’t yet assembled within the ancient walls, it’s full of more life than it has been since Eren arrived. It’s nice, if a bit overwhelming, but having Mikasa and Armin nearby is a balm that helps ease the worst of it. Even better, Levi hasn’t gone back on his promise to stop avoiding Eren, and joins the three of them for dinner the next evening, after the scouts have settled in, Farlan and Isabel in tow.

Mikasa glares at Levi intently the entire time, but she doesn’t vault the table to throttle him so that’s honestly the best outcome. It feels almost like it used to, back at the compound, and the familiarity of it helps ease Eren’s unsettled heart.

Hanji is pretty dead set on beginning the experiments as soon as possible and Eren is ready to let them, though Levi isn’t pleased about it. Neither is Mikasa, but Eren will weather their disapproval for however long is necessary. He wants to know what he can do. If he has to wield this power, then it’s for the best that he learns how to control it soon. If he is to be - as Erwin had dubbed him - the hope of humanity, then he needs to let go of the fear.

The recruits have their own training, which means Armin and Mikasa won’t be joining them for Hanji’s sessions. They’ll be busy preparing for the next expedition, a test run into titan country, to see what Eren can do, and he is both excited for it and dreading it in equal measure. Excited, because he’s waited years for this, to be a full fledged scout. Dread, because of everything that could go wrong. He has so many lives on his shoulders now.

“Just focus on your training,” Levi tells him quietly. “Let us worry about the rest.”

Easier said than done, but Eren appreciates the sentiment all the same.

“Not the turn out we’d hoped for, though,” Farlan says, looking over all the scouts assembled in the dining hall. “Erwin’s recruitment speech must have been fucking awful.”

“It wasn’t,” Armin says, though he looks distressed by that admission. “It was honest, possibly more than it should have been, but it was heartfelt. Inspiring to those of us willing to listen. But I think the people who joined were already planning to do so.”

“So it _was_ awful, then,” Farlan says. “He didn’t convince anyone.”

“No, not really,” Amin says. “But I don’t think that was his goal.”

“Oh, hell yeah,” Isabel says, punching a fist into the air. “Fuck, I’ve missed this. Go on, Armin, what’s really going on?”

Armin looks up, startled to find all of their group looking at him intently. “...Am I missing something?”

“You’re the smart one,” Farlan says like it’s obvious. “You always seem to know what’s really going on. Which is good, because the rest of us have no fucking clue.”

“Oh.” Armin’s cheeks flare pink. “Well, I was… I was just thinking that… There must have been a reason that he told the cadets about Eren’s power. There were hundreds and that’s not information that should be shared lightly. I wonder if he has a different goal in mind. If the upcoming expedition is really to test Eren’s abilities or if it’s for another reason entirely.”

“God, I love this,” Isabel says, enthralled. “It’s even better than when Hanji gets going about conspiracy theories. Mainly because Armin’s not insane.”

“Have you heard their latest one? That the moon isn’t real?”

“Oh my god.”

“You’re right,” Levi says, cutting across Isabel and Farlan with an impatient glance in their direction. “Erwin’s not interested in seeing what Eren can do. Hanji will be able to figure out most of it with their experiments.” He leans forward, resting his chin in his palm, elbow propped on the table. “So what do you think is the real reason?”

“The titans,” Armin says. “Hanji’s titans, specifically. Someone wanted them dead, for reasons we don’t understand yet. It’s a lot to risk such dire repercussions over a grudge, so someone wanted to ruin our chances at gaining knowledge from them. To keep us in the dark.”

“Which would explain why he divulged such sensitive information to so many people,” Farlan adds, looking troubled. “If… If that’s the case, then… The expedition would be an attempt to draw them out.”

“Bingo,” Levi says softly. “Sorry to say it, kid, but you’re no more than bait this time around.” He gestures to Eren. “Whoever it is will likely go for you the moment we’re past the wall. This isn’t an expedition, it’s a trap.”

Eren swallows hard. “Doesn’t that… put you in a lot of danger? Whichever team is assigned to escort me is going to end up… In the firing line.”

“Cute,” Isabel says. “But I’m really not worried. One person against a titan and the Levi Squad. They don’t stand a chance.”

“We are _not_ calling it that,” Levi says, looking pained. “That is not our name.”

“Right, no, of course not.” Isabel grins. “The Magnolia Squad!”

“That’s _worse_ , somehow.”

“You name it then!”

“Why does it even need a name?”

“Because we’re awesome! We should have a cool name!”

It helps that Isabel isn’t taking the situation seriously in the slightest. If they were all acting like the upcoming expedition were of vital importance, Eren would probably go mad with worry. He’s still anxious, but seeing the general unconcerned air of his friends helps to ease most of his nervousness. If Levi’s squad are the ones Eren will be riding out with, then he really doesn’t have much to fear. They’re veteran scouts at this point, unstoppable individually and unconquerable together. Eren couldn’t be in safer hands. And once he’s learned to harness his power, he’ll be one of them.

“Keep it to yourself,” Levi warns Armin. “The rest of the scouts don’t need to know that we’re baiting a traitor.”

Armin nods. “Of course.”

“I need some tea,” Eren mutters. He’s starting to understand why Levi loves it so much. There really is nothing better for soothing frayed nerves. “Can I use some of the silver needle leaves again?”

Levi nods. “Yeah, of course.”

“Uh-oh,” Isabel says. “Careful, Eren. If it’s not up to scratch, he’ll undo all our hard work and kill you.”

“I’m not too worried,” Eren says with a faint smile. And he’s not. He listens to Levi, and had wanted to learn how to do something that Levi would appreciate, considering there aren’t a lot of ways for Eren to show Levi that he cares beyond saying the words out loud and Levi’s never been one to accept kind words easily. He’s more of an “intent through actions” kind of person, much the same way that Eren is.

“It’s your funeral,” Isabel says with a shrug as Eren leaves to brew the tea.

It’s funny, in a way. Isabel and Farlan, they know Levi so well, but they can’t quite manage to do something so simple. Eren’s probably reading too much into it, but well-brewed tea matters to Levi for whatever reason, so it’s important to Eren, too. He’ll always view it fondly, he thinks, because it brought them back together after their little blip following Eren’s placement in Levi’s custody.

That, and the taste isn’t bad, either. Levi might be onto something.

He returns to the table with the gently steaming pot and a handful of cups. Mikasa accepts one with murmured thanks but the others refuse politely, uninterested. Eren pours a cup for Levi, Mikasa, and himself, settling down with the fortifying warm brew in his hands, inhaling the gentle aroma with an appreciative sigh. Levi sips his with a hum and Farlan and Isabel _stare_.

“What the fuck?” Isabel demands.

Eren blinks. “What?”

She gestures to Levi. “That!”

“Not everyone is as hopeless as you are,” Levi says over the rim of his cup. “Eren’s more than capable of brewing tea. Just because you can’t do it doesn’t mean no one else can.”

“But it’s _you_ ,” Isabel says. “Mr impossibly high standards.”

Levi lowers the cup. “Maybe my standards have been met, for once.”

Farlan chokes, spluttering so hard Isabel has to thump him on the back. He stares at Levi like he’s grown a second head and Eren is completely lost.

“I feel like I should be offended,” he says slowly. “It’s really not that hard to pour hot water on some leaves?”

“You are missing the point,” Isabel says. Farlan nods, wheezing. “This is _Levi_. Tea is like… Brewing him a good cup is like a fuckin’ marriage proposal, basically. And if he drinks it without spitting it back out at you, that’s basically him accepting.”

Eren coughs, cheeks flooding red. “It’s just tea.”

“It’s his favourite thing in the _world_.”

“Sorry, Eren,” Levi says mildly. “According to Isabel, you’re my husband now. You have my deepest condolences.”

 _What is happening right now?_ “Um,” Eren says, certain his face cannot get any redder. “F-Fine?”

Farlan’s eyes narrow, darting between the two of them suspiciously. “Did something happen between you two?”

“N-No?” Eren is so lost. “It’s just tea, guys.”

“They’re overreacting,” Levi says. “Just ignore them.” He glares at his friends. “You sure you don’t want a cup? Might wash out the shit that’s spewing out your mouths.”

Eren snorts at that, flinching back when Isabel and Farlan’s gazes snap to him.

“Smart,” Isabel says, eyes widening.

“Mouthy,” Farlan adds almost breathlessly.

“Um,” says Eren.

“Decent fighter.”

“Not irritating.”

“Doesn’t mind shit jokes-”

“Be quiet,” Levi warns, gaze hardening. “Isabel, Farlan, I’m fucking warning you-”

“Knows not to oversteep tea,” Isabel says, practically vibrating in her seat. “Oh my god. _Oh my god!”_ She slaps Farlan’s arm excitedly. “Oh my god, Farlan!”

Levi lunges across the table, spilling the contents of his cup over the wood, and seizes Isabel and Farlan by the collars of their jackets. “Squad meeting,” he spits, furious. _”Now.”_ Without another word, he drags the two of them bodily from the table and out of the dining hall.

All eyes are now centered on their table. Eren kind of wants to hide underneath it.

“What the hell,” Armin says, “was that about?”

“I… Have no idea,” Eren says faintly. “It’s… It’s just tea?”

Mikasa sips her own brew thoughtfully. “It’s not even that good.”

“Wh- Hey!”


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and now... the moment you’ve all been waiting for.... the man, the myth, the moron: levi ackerman!
> 
> fucking dumbass, i love him so much

Admittedly, Levi isn’t thinking much other than _shit, shit, shit, shitshitshitshit_ as he hauls Farlan and Isabel from the dining hall, doesn’t really have much of a plan beyond getting the both of them as far away from Eren as soon as is physically possible, but he’s sort of maybe panicking a little bit, so he’s more than prepared to forgive himself for his overreaction.

Isabel is still yelling, wriggling around like an angry cat, but Farlan’s resigned himself to being dragged along, though he’s folded his arms and is wearing the most self-satisfied smirk Levi has ever seen and the moment Levi can risk letting go of them, he’s absolutely going to smack the expression right off of his face.

The nearest unoccupied room is the undercroft which suits Levi’s needs just fine considering he is about to fucking _bury_ them, and he tosses them both down the steps with very little care. Isabel goes skidding across the floor and grunts when Farlan lands on top of her in a heap.

“You aren’t supposed to throw someone with only one leg!” Farlan protests, untangling himself from Isabel with a wince. “Let alone down the stairs!”

“It was like four steps, you fucking baby,” Levi snaps, hopping down them and effectively blocking their exit. “And unless you can both explain to me just what the fuck you were playing at in there, I’m going to barricade the door and leave you down here to _rot.”_

“We weren’t playing at anything!” Isabel says, dusting herself off and hauling Farlan upright with a huff. “You can’t blame us for reacting to such an earth-shattering revelation.”

“I blame you,” Levi says icily. “Oh, trust me, I’m very capable of blaming you.” He advances on them and Isabel ducks behind Farlan with a squawk.

“Easy now,” Farlan says, raising his hands placatingly. “Levi, it was all in good fun.”

“For you,” Levi bites out. “Not for me.”

“No, and we’re sorry about that,” Farlan says. “But can you fucking blame us? Your little shit fit over the kid’s feelings, and you’re out here catching your own.”

“We’re right, aren't we?” Isabel says, risking a peek round Farlan’s arm. “That’s what’s going on, isn’t it?” She sniggers. “You called him your _husband_.”

Admittedly, not Levi’s finest moment, no. Why’d he do it? Genuinely no idea. At this point, the sarcasm is too deeply ingrained that Levi can barely manage to separate himself from it. Which leads to some... Interesting verbal choices.

That’s not the point!

Point is, Levi wants to yell at the both of them. He wants to go the hell off about their idiocy, their complete disregard for boundaries and the feelings of others. He wants to rage at them for nearly embarrassing him to fucking death, but he can’t do _any_ of that. He could, but at heart he knows they only want to see him happy. It’s just that their opinion on what would make Levi happiest really doesn’t match up with his own.

“Do you want me to fucking admit it?” Levi demands, scowling. “Is that what you want?”

Farlan nods. “Literally more than I have ever wanted anything in my _life.”_

“Well, tough shit. Fuck you both.”

“Levi,” Isabel says, edging around Farlan with an apologetic expression. “We _are_ sorry. We really are. But… God, can you at least try to see this from our point of view? You twisted yourself up so badly and now you’ve literally got a way out. Do you know how rare it is to fall for someone and have them love you back?”

Levi doesn’t outwardly flinch, but everything inside him takes a rather jarring leap to the left. “I don’t give a shit about how rare it is. I don’t want any of it. You two might be happy to thrash around with your… _people_ , but I’m not.”

“How did you manage to make “people” sound like an insult?” Farlan asks, puzzled.

“It’s a gift,” Levi grits out. “And I know you two are addicted to getting involved in my business, but for my sanity can you _please_ butt the fuck out.”

“Levi!” Isabel cries, despairing. “You’re not even going to think about it?”

“What is there to think about?” Nothing is going to happen, Levi’s spent the past twenty-four hours ignoring everything to do with it. Since the moment - the exact fucking moment - that his stupid fucking heart realised what the hell was going on, he has pushed it out of his mind. Avoiding the kid is no longer an option, Levi can’t do it because it hurts both of them and he has no good reason to, but if he can’t do that, then he can sure as hell ignore his own feelings.

“You could be happy,” Isabel says pleadingly. “I know it’s not the be all and end all, I _know_ that, but… You could be so happy. And you won’t let yourself.”

“It would be my happiness at the cost of Eren’s,” Levi snaps. “And that’s not a trade I’m willing to make.”

“Why would it?” Farlan challenges. “They aren't mutually exclusive.”

“Not for you,” Levi mutters. “But they would be for me. I can’t… I’m not the kind of person people love. I’m not the kind of person people _should_ love. Eren deserves someone who won’t fucking suck the happiness out of him like a leech. Someone whose sole skill isn’t killing titans.”

Farlan blinks. “...Now, I have to ask. You’ve got… less than no experience with shit like this. What makes you think that you’d do that to him?”

Levi throws his hands up. “Have you met me?”

“Levi,” Farlan chides. “Stop deflecting. You don’t give a shit about any of that, I know you don’t. And neither does Eren. He knows you as well as we do. And he loves you anyway. Saying you’d suck the happiness out of him… You wouldn’t let yourself.”

Levi would try not to, yeah. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that Levi isn’t the kind of person who gets to have this kind of shit. He doesn’t deserve it, doesn’t want it, and no amount of arguing from Isabel or Farlan is going to change his mind. What do they think will be the endgame here? Levi and Eren? Titan killing power couple? He has to laugh.

“You’ve convinced yourself you aren’t worth it,” Farlan says with an expression of dawning realisation. “Without knowing for certain if that’s true.”

“Maybe.” Levi scowls. “But I’m not testing my inability to be loved on Eren.”

“You keep saying that,” Isabel says slowly. “But… It’s not true, is it? You say you can’t be loved, but there are already so many people who do love you. Me and Farlan. Eren. We already love you. Doesn’t that count for anything? Don’t we matter?”

“I…” Levi trails off. “Of course you do, I didn’t mean-”

“You won’t let yourself be happy because you don’t think you deserve it,” Isabel continues like he hasn’t spoken. “Which, okay. Not great, but we can work on it. But saying that just spits on the affection that you already have. You can believe it if you want to, god knows why you would, but you’re wrong.”

Levi doesn’t have a response for that. Maybe she’s right, but Levi can’t just overwrite years of belief in a single afternoon. Yes, fine, Eren loves him. Yes, Levi… Yes, Levi loves him too. And Levi doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do with that. He’s too terrified to give into it, obviously. He knows, he _knows_ he would ruin Eren. He’s rude, grumpy, vulgar, completely desensitised to any violence and death. He’s emotionally stunted - thank you, Kenny - and has compulsive cleaning tendencies. That last one isn’t really a problem, but it might be for Eren. He’s unsure why, but he’s… He’s conditioned to believe there isn’t anything about him anyone could like, let alone love. And maybe that’s because Levi can hardly stomach his own reflection in the mirror, but when he’s so convinced by it all it’s hard to believe anyone else isn’t, too.

And what exactly would happen if he told Eren how he felt? The kid would… He’d smile. Maybe? He’d be happy, if Farlan is right about all this and isn’t just playing the worst and most drawn out prank in history. Eren would… Well, Levi doesn’t know. They’d spend more time together? Not unacceptable. He’d want intimacy, though, and Levi’s got… Well, no inclination for it. Well… He’s not a fucking eunich, he has his own… needs. He just hasn’t ever encountered anyone worth trusting them to. No one he’s been able to stomach being that close to. He’s seen what it can be like, before he was even old enough to understand.

Maybe with Eren it would be okay. Tolerable. He’d be able to compromise if Eren wanted it. But Eren’s always been so… Selfless. He’d probably dedicate the whole fucking interaction to Levi’s interest, spend ages figuring out what Levi likes. And why is he even thinking about this? It’s not a fucking option. He doesn’t even know if he’d be willing to let Eren kiss him.

...Maybe. He’s got - as Farlan said - less than zero experience with the whole institution. It might be alright but he’s got no frame of reference. But Eren would be patient, Levi knows he would. And he’d be close and warm and smelling of the soap Levi got for him. He’d smile and… He’d look at Levi like he was the only thing that mattered. He’d never ask for more than Levi was prepared to give. And Levi would do the same, would be too afraid of hurting Eren to push for something Eren wasn’t prepared and fully willing to offer.

“I think he’s having an epiphany,” Farlan whispers to Isabel, eyes wide.

“I…” Levi says.

“It’s okay,” Isabel says encouragingly. “Whatever you feel, it’s alright. Nothing has to happen. We’re not pushing you, we just… Don’t want to see you throw away a chance at happiness because you think you don’t deserve it.”

But Levi wants to deserve it, and he doesn’t know what to do with that realisation. He’d made his peace ages ago with the fact that this kind of thing wasn’t for him. But that night, Eren in the firelight, a perfectly brewed pot of tea and quiet laughter between them… He wants that. He wants more of it and he wants it so badly he aches with it. He might not deserve it, but maybe… Maybe he could learn how.

He’s not quite sure how it happens, but he ends up crushed between Farlan and Isabel in a rib-crushing hug. He doesn’t even struggle.

 _I love him_ , Levi thinks, locked inside the privacy of his own head. It’s enormous, the breadth of feeling that the words send coursing through his body, but it’s not as unpleasant as he was expecting. Since that night he’s not even permitted himself to think the words, but now that he has, they settle somewhere safe behind his ribs and… It’s not so bad. It’s a lot, heavy in a way he’s not quite strong enough to carry alone.

But maybe he doesn’t have to.

* * *

“Are you ready, my dear?”

Levi reaches out a hand to grab the back of Hanji’s jacket so they don’t topple headfirst down the well they’re yelling into. Good thing, too, as they overbalance a second later and Levi has to haul them back before they fall and snap their neck.

“Ready!” Eren calls back, voice echoing up the stone column.

“We’ll move a little way back!” Hanji calls down to him. “If you need anything, call out to us, we’ll come get you.”

“Got it!”

Hanji beams and scampers back to where Isabel and the other squad members are waiting. Levi still won’t let her call them the Levi Squad - what kind of bullshit? - but he’s allowing Special Operations on a provisional basis. Mainly because all her other suggestions are absolute rubbish.

“Is he okay down there?” Petra asks, glancing at the well with a pinched expression of concern.

“He’s fine,” Hanji says, eyes fixed on the same spot but with less concern and more intense curiosity. They raise a flare gun and fire a green smoke round into the sky; the signal for Eren to transform when he’s ready. “The well will keep him contained if he loses control, and we can sever the nape to get him out if we need to.”

Yes, that particular honour falls to Levi, joy of joys. He’ll be decidedly less vicious about it than Isabel had been - granted she hadn’t known it was Eren at the time - because he’s not willing to sever the poor kid’s arms. Which he thinks is rather decent of him, regardless of the fact that they can grow back.

“...Is something meant to be happening?” Eld asks after a few minutes.

“Yes,” Hanji says, frowning. “Strange, he should have transformed by now. All reports say the change was instantaneous.” They dart forward, scampering over to the well to peer down into it. “Eren?” The call. “Is everything okay?”

Eren says something that Levi can’t quite make out and Hanji gasps which is all he needs as an excuse to sprint over to the well and check on the kid. It’s too dark to see clearly, but he can just about make out Eren’s eyes, wide and full of pain, and what looks to be like a concerning amount of blood smeared across his mouth.

“I’m sorry,” Eren calls up, voice tight with pain. “I don’t think I can do it now.”

“Absolutely fucking not,” Levi says, firing an anchor into the stone wall of the well and rappelling down as fast as his wires will unspool. Eren steps back as much as he can to give Levi room to land, flinching back when Levi reaches for him.

“It’s okay,” Levi says, taking Eren’s hands into his. “Let me see.”

Eren allows it, unable to meet Levi’s eyes. “You shouldn’t be down here.”

“Fuck that, you’re hurt.” The bite wounds are deep, savage almost, like Eren’s ripped at his skin like a starving animal. It must be unbearably painful and Levi almost winces in sympathy. “Come on, experiment’s over for today.”

“But we didn’t-”

“Don’t.” The kid’s in so much pain, his own blood staining his mouth, and Levi will be damned if he tries to take blame for this, too. “You can’t be expected to manifest a full titan when you barely understand how your own power works.” Eren looks away and Levi tightens his grip on Eren’s hands. “Come on, out of here. I’m getting claustrophobic.”

Eren lets Levi pull one of his arms around his shoulders, clings tight as Levi supports him round the waist and winches them both up out of the well. Hanji’s there, ready and waiting, clucking with soft concern as they inspect Eren’s butchered hands. Isabel and the others keep their distance, which Levi is grateful for. The last thing the kid needs is people crowding him, smothering him with concern.

“You poor thing,” Hanji says, sitting Eren down on the rim of the well. “What happened?”

“I don’t know,” Eren mumbles, head bowed. “I just… couldn’t.”

“I wonder why,” Hanji murmurs. “Well, it’s alright. We can try again. Maybe just the one bite from now on?” Eren flushes but nods. “Though…” They frown. “You aren’t healing.”

They’re right, Eren isn’t. His hands continue to ooze blood but so far haven’t emitted any steam. In Levi’s experience, the steam has always been pretty instantaneous, and it’s concerning that Eren’s skin isn’t knitting back together. And not just because Levi’s not keen on looking at the kid’s torn skin, though that is an admittedly large part of it.

“Isabel!” Levi calls. “Medkit!”

“Got it!” She dashes for her horse, digging through the pack for the kit and sprinting over like her life depends on it. “Oh, Eren.” He flinches at the concern in her tone but lets Hanji dab antiseptic on the wounds, though he hisses the entire time.

“Take a break,” Levi tells Hanji and Eren. “If you want to try again, fine, but not until his hands heal.”

“Of course,” Hanji says, patting Eren’s knee. “Let me bandage these and we can have some tea and see if we can puzzle out what went wrong.”

“Thanks,” Eren mumbles, looking miserable. Levi wrestles with himself for a whole thirty seconds before he reaches out and rests a hand on Eren’s shoulder. The kid looks up, startled, and Levi attempts to force his expression into something reassuring. He is not successful.

“Since the best tea maker is out, it looks like you’ll need to get brewing!” Isabel tells Levi and he briefly considers tossing her down the well. She’s right though, none of the others can brew worth a damn and he only has Puerh with him which he is absolute _not_ about to let them waste.

“Quit running your mouth and start a fire then,” he snaps at her and she grins, darting off to do as she’s told for once in her goddamn life. “Hanji, give us a minute?”

“Of course,” Hanji says, getting fluidly to their feet with one last sympathetic look at Eren before wandering off to join the others.

“Are you alright?” Levi asks once they’re alone, sitting on the wall beside him.

“Yeah,” Eren sighs. “Hurts, though.”

“It’s going to, you nearly skinned yourself.”

“I didn’t mean to, I just…” He sighs, clenching his hands and hissing when it - predictably - hurts. Idiot. “Before, it was different. Like I knew what to do. I bit into my hand and the change just… happened. Like the titan was there, ready to come out.”

Levi hums. “Maybe it doesn’t just happen when you hurt yourself. Maybe it’s when you’re angry or scared.”

Eren glances at him. “Maybe. Be a bit weird, though. If every time I got angry I turned into a giant monster.”

“Weirder things have happened, I guess.”

“Doesn’t make sense, either way,” Eren says. “I’m always kind of angry. Always kind of scared. Comes with not knowing what’s going to happen, I guess.”

He looks so miserable and that just won’t do. “Nothing’s going to, you know that, right? Even if you never transform again, you’re still a scout. You’re not here just because you can shit a titan out.”

Eren snorts at that. “What lovely imagery.”

“Yeah, I’m a real fuckin’ poet.” Levi nudges Eren’s shoulder with his own, pleased when Eren’s mouth twitches up into a reluctant smile. “But seriously. Don’t get worked up over it. Either you change or you don’t. Either way, we’ll still get wall Maria back.”

Eren looks at him, brows drawn. “How can you be so sure?”

Levi considers for a long moment. “Because I don’t see any other option,” he finally says. “And because - numbers aside - we probably have the most talented group of scouts in the history of the corps, even if some of them are currently green. It’s nice to have something to believe in, don’t you think?”

Eren’s cheeks flush at that, which is strange. “Yeah, I guess... Also, between you and Mikasa, we’ve basically got double the manpower we’d normally have.”

“Mm, good point. See? Titan or no, we’re in a good place. Don’t worry.”

“Thanks, Levi.” Eren smiles properly then and Levi’s so pleased to see it he can’t help but smile back.

“No problem. Now come on, I’ll have to go make some tea. No way I’m letting Isabel get her paws on my fuckin’ stash. Those leaves were expensive.” He sets off, Eren falling into step beside him and manages to get back to the others just before Isabel dumps the entire contents of Levi’s teabox into a pot of boiling water she’s set over the fire.

“Fucking philistine,” he snaps, snatching the box away from her. “It’s not a fucking stew, the hell are you doing?”

“Tea is literally just boiling flavoured water!” Isabel argues. “How is it not stew?”

“Because it’s _tea_.”

“Soup, then!”

“Oh, for-” He cuts himself off with a sigh. “Eren, my pack- The pot’s in there, could you grab it?” He’s only asking because Eren understands the process and also because Levi only trusts Eren anywhere his stuff.

“Sure,” Eren says, dipping his head in a nod and heading for where Lark is grazing with the other horses. She eyes Eren as he approaches but the moody mare has already taken to him, so she permits him to dig through her saddlebags without nipping at him. Eren truly does have a way with grumpy beasts. Hilarious.

“Here,” he says, handing the pot over to Levi. It must twinge his hands uncomfortably because he winces and fumbles with the handle and Levi has to lunge to catch it before it hits the grass.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.” He rubs his bandaged hands with a grimace. “Sorry.”

“No harm done. Go sit. You, too, Isabel. Don’t hover, it’s annoying.” She pokes her tongue out at him but wraps an arm around Eren’s shoulders, leading him over to where the others are waiting while Levi brews tea in peace.

It’s… easier than he thought it would be to be around Eren again. Sorely missed, if he’s being honest with himself, but now that the fear has been put to rest, it’s almost like no time at all has passed. Of course Levi has the weight of his own feelings to wrestle with - how the fuck does Eren manage it? Levi feels like his chest is about to burst open at any given moment - but for the most part it’s manageable, if a little daunting.

Despite what Farlan and Isabel had said, Levi’s got no plans to say anything any time soon. Not while Mikasa is only just starting to tolerate Levi’s presence again; he doesn’t think she’d take kindly to Levi… Well, expressing any sort of interest in her brother. Actually, she’d probably kill him for it. Try to, anyway, and Levi might not have a wealth of experience, but he doesn’t think getting murdered by the in-laws is how this sort of thing is meant to go.

No, for now he’s content enough just so enjoy his place at Eren’s side, somewhere he’s missed being, in all honesty. Even with things as messed up as they are right now with the new recruits and the upcoming expedition and Eren’s titan training, it’s not so bad now that Levi’s not playing the world’s worst game of hide and seek with the person he likes best.

Tea brewed, Levi takes the pot over to the rickety little bench their group are gathered around, pointedly ignoring the look Isabel gives him when he pours Eren’s tea first. The kid nearly bit his own hands off, it’s just courtesy. But she fucking knows him and as much as he’d like to deny it, it is a little bit of preferential treatment.

But he’s the Captain, so fuck ‘em.

“Do you think they’ll catch him?” Eld asks as Levi settles down beside Eren. Levi’s obviously walked in halfway through a conversation, but he’s neither bothered nor interested about the context.

“Probably,” Gunther says, heaping an ungodly amount of sugar into his tea. Philistines, all of them. “You don’t just go around butchering MPs and get away with it. They’ve got every man out looking for him, by the sound of it.”

Okay, maybe Levi’s a little interested. “Who’s killing MPs?”

“Some crazy serial killer,” Petra says. “I heard some of the section commanders talking about it yesterday. Five dead already. Someone clearly has a grudge.”

“Can’t blame them,” Levi mutters, earning a scandalised look from Petra. “What? You’re all thinking it.”

“Still, that’s awful.”

“They’ll catch him soon, like Gunther said. You don’t just murder MPs and get away with it.” Not unless you’re Levi, but they aren’t ready for that story yet. Actually, they probably won’t ever be, which is a shame because Levi has a lot of stories like that and some of them are actually kind of funny.

“Awful business,” Oruo says, sniffing. “What’s the plan, Captain?”

Oh, right. “Well, until Eren heals, I don’t really want him trying again. We can call it a day for now, try again tomorrow. Erwin might act like he’s in a rush, but that’s because the man’s seriously in need of a hobby.”

“Sorry,” Eren mumbles again. Levi elbows him.

“Shut up, it’s fine. Like I said, we’ll try again tomorrow. Though I am imposing a strict “one bite only” policy.”

“I wonder why it didn’t work,” Hanji muses, tapping their teaspoon against their nose. “Damn, what I wouldn’t give to have the good doctor Jaeger here.”

Eren startles at that. “Why would you want to talk to my dad?”

Hanji frowns. “Well, this is all hypothesis, you understand, but from what you told me it seems like he knew more about this than he ever let on. You said he told you that you needed to learn how to control the power, yes?”

Looking thunderstruck, Eren can only nod and Levi scowls into his teacup. As if he needed another reason to want to throttle the man.

“So we could probably learn a lot from him. But it’s all useless conjecture. The only way we’re going to learn anything about this is through trial and error.”

“A lot of error,” Eren says unhappily, grunting when he knocks his spoon onto the grass. “I got it,” he mumbles, reaching down to grab it.

Something shifts then that Levi cannot explain. A strange sort of electric prickle in the air, the way the atmosphere charges right before a thunderstorm. It prickles the hair along his arms and the back of his neck and before he can even think about it, he’s on his feet with a bellow of “MOVE,” already ripping past his lips.

To their credit, everyone gathered has instincts that cannot be criticised, and as one they rocket from the table, diving in every direction at once as lightning strikes, flashing the world amber and orange with Eren caught in the centre. Air ripples out with the force of an explosion and Levi hits the grass under the barrage of it, covering his face against the heat and light rippling around Eren like a maelstrom.

When Levi lifts his head, ears ringing, Eren is trapped in the half-formed body of a titan that is steaming in torrents from every malformed pore. It’s just an arm and half a shoulder, sinew and rib cage exposed, but the most jarring part is Eren, still visible from where the nape would have formed, fused to the muscle of the giant arm.

“Holy shit,” Levi grunts, rolling to his feet. Everyone else - he does a quick headcount - is alive and unharmed, if a little windswept. Thank g-

“What the hell was that?!” Oruo bellows, drawing his blades with a singing hiss of steel. To Levi’s shock, he’s not alone. Eld, Gunther, Petra, they’ve all drawn their weapons, surged to their feet ready to attack following the slightest provocation. “You’re only supposed to transform under controlled conditions!”

“You could have killed us!” Eld roars.

Levi’s too shocked to move. Isabel hasn’t even managed to get to her feet yet, is staring up at her comrades with horror twisting her expression. Hanji’s sat on their ass, staring at Eren with such acute shock Levi’s half concerned they’ve been struck dumb.

“What the hell were you thinking?!” Gunther demands, blades glinting. “Why now? This is a blatant display of hostility!”

Fear flashes across Eren’s face.

“Explain yourself!” Petra yells, tensed and ready to attack.

“This is the first and only warning you’ll receive.” Oruo again, furious. “Convince us you’re not hostile or we’ll cut you down where you stand.”

“I’m not!” Eren cries, wrenching at the arm fused to the titan body. “I didn’t mean-!”

“Answer us _now!”_

None of them really knew what they were signing on for, Levi realises. They trusted Levi, followed him because they’re his team, but none of them had seen Eren’s titan, hadn’t had any experience of him in any form other than human. Who could blame them for reacting with fear? Who could blame them for reacting in a heartbeat, ready to eliminate a threat? That’s why Levi wanted them for his team, isn’t it? Because against a titan threat, there’s no squad more skilled, more capable.

But this isn’t a titan threat. This is Eren. And he’s absolutely fucking terrified.

“Weapons down!” Levi roars, finally breaking through his shock. “Everyone step back or I swear to god, I’ll hamstring the lot of you!”

“Captain, step away!” Petra yells.

“Back!” Levi barks. “Don’t make me tell you again!”

“Petra,” Isabel pleads, grabbing the girl’s arm. “It’s Eren, what are you doing-”

“Prove you’re not hostile!” Eld orders, brandishing his blade at Eren.

It’s not his fault but by _god_ does Levi see red. His own blades are out in a second, slashing down right on the honed groove of Eld’s own and shattering them on impact.

“Blades _down_ ,” Levi growls. “I will not tell you again.”

Eld steps back, eyes wide, and Hanji scrambles to their feet, shrieking loud enough to shock everyone out of their terrified battle haze.

“Eren!” They scream, sprinting for him. “Oh, my god, can I touch it?! Please let me touch it!”

“What- No!” Eren watches in horror as Hanji puts their palms to the exposed muscle of the arm, wincing when they shriek in pain.

“Mother _fucker!”_ Hanji screams, dancing around on the balls of their feet. “That’s _hot_ without skin! How is it connected?! Can I see?!”

Eren flails for a moment, seems to realise something, then heaves with all his might against the place where his arm is connected to the titan body. He heaves and yells with the effort, toppling back as the muscle releases him with a sickeningly wet squelch, then tumbling back onto the grass with a thud. Hanji shrieks as the titan body starts to rapidly disintegrate.

Levi doesn’t care, he’s at Eren’s side in an instant, dropping to his knees and skidding across the grass with the momentum. “Eren,” he says, slipping a hand under his head. “Can you hear me?” Eren groans, dazed, and Levi heaves a sigh of such acute relief he feels dizzy with it. “Are you alright?”

“Not… Not really… No,” Eren says weakly, then rolls sharply to the side and vomits all over the grass.

“Isabel!” Levi calls. “My cloak!” She’s there with it in an instant and Levi doesn’t care, just drapes it around Eren’s shaking body, pulls the kid tight against him, rubbing his back. “Easy, it’s alright.” To Isabel, he says, “get the others back to the castle. Take Eren’s horse. Hanji, you too.”

“But-”

”Now, Hanji.”

He’s obeyed, thank god, and it’s not long before it’s just him and Eren and a disintegrating titan corpse, alone in the field while the kid trembles and retches in Levi’s arms.

“I’m sorry,” he chokes in between gags, eyes streaming.

“Don’t be stupid. Just breathe.”

“Your squad-”

“Reacted as they were trained to. It doesn’t matter.” It matters. It fucking matters but there’s nothing Levi can do. He will absolutely read them the riot act as soon as he gets his nerves under control and is satisfied that Eren is okay, but they were just doing what they were trained to do. In their position, Levi might have acted the same. They knew abstractly that Eren was like this, but they’d yet to see it with their own eyes. He can’t blame them, but he can absolutely be pissed with them.

It takes a good few minutes for Eren to stop vomiting, then another few to stop the dry heaving. Levi needs to get him some water or something but he’s loath to let the kid go, doesn’t think he could get his arms to loosen if he tried. Then Eren goes limp in his arms, head lolling against Levi’s shoulder and that’s it, honestly. Levi’s going to have to spend the entire night crouched in a field with an unconscious Eren in his arms.

But- No, he’s not unconscious. Just exhausted. “Think you can stand? I’d prefer to get you back to the castle. Get the medic to look you over.”

“Think so,” Eren mumbles. “I really didn’t mean to...”

“I know you didn’t.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry for. Come on, lean on me. Up you get.” Taking pretty much Eren’s entire weight, Levi carefully leverages them off the ground. A sharp whistle and Lark is cantering over, whickering softly as Levi lifts Eren into her saddle before climbing up behind him. He keeps a firm arm round the kid’s waist, stiffens in alarm when Eren slumps heavily against him. “Eren, stay awake.”

“Sorry,” Eren mumbles. “So tired.”

Not surprising. Transforming must take a shit-load of energy out of him, especially considering the force of the blast the actual transformation threw out. But Levi has no point of reference for this shit. He doesn’t know if it’s safe for Eren to sleep or if it’s like concussion and he needs to keep the kid awake. All he can do is ride fast for the castle and hope that Eren doesn’t die on the way.

He doesn’t die, thank fuck, but he does pass out so thoroughly that Levi can’t rouse him again, which sends Levi’s heart thundering a panicked pace against his ribs. Isabel - fucking thank god for Isabel - has already fetched the medic so that when Lark comes galloping into the courtyard, Mariska is already waiting for them, ready to help take Eren down from the horse’s back. Farlan, too, is there waiting with Isabel, and the three of them follow the doctor through the castle to the infirmary that’s been set up in the east wing.

“What happened?” Mariska demands as Levi sets Eren down on one of the sickbeds. She moves over him expertly, lifting his lids to check his pupils, his pulse, all manner of things Levi can’t follow.

“He transformed half way, ripped himself out of it, threw up, then passed out,” Levi says, hovering anxiously. “I tried to keep him awake, but…”

“It’s not a concussion,” Mariska says. “I’d say acute exhaustion at the most." She frowns, slips a pocket watch out of her pocket and falls silent for a long moment, slender fingers pressed to the pulse point in Eren's neck. "Low blood pressure, advanced dehydration." She slips the watch away. "He’s otherwise healthy, but it seems as though the transformation puts horrendous strain on his body, even failed transformations. I’d liken it to running full endurance training after forty-eight hours with no food or sleep. Incredibly dangerous.”

“It was an accident,” Levi says. “He didn’t mean to do it.”

“Even worse,” Mariska says, frowning. “He should only transform under controlled conditions, especially if he can do it without meaning to. If he transforms without proper preparation, it’s incredibly likely that he could kill himself.”

“Noted,” Levi says stiffly. “But right now, is he-”

“Fine,” Mariska says and Isabel and Farlan heave heavy sighs of relief. “He’ll need to rest and will certainly need fluids and food when he wakes up, but he’s not in danger. I must stress the importance of proper preparation on you, though, as his commanding officer.” She scowls. “I know Erwin has plans for the boy, but not at the cost of his health.”

“Of course not,” Levi says. “Thank you.” As much as he wants to stay, he really needs to have a word with his squad. “Will you send for me, when he wakes up?”

“No,” Mariska says. “Once he’s awake and I’m convinced he’s well enough, I’ll send him on his way. No point in you needlessly cluttering up my infirmary.”

Fair enough. Levi thanks her again and leaves with the others, more unsettled than he’d like but mostly just relieved that the kid is okay. Isabel looks distraught and Levi can’t blame her.

“I’m so sorry,” she says, voice shaky. “I had no idea the others would turn on him like that.”

“They didn’t turn on him,” Levi says, massaging his temples. “They reacted just as they should have. How we all should, if we need to. It’s just us that can’t differentiate and see Eren as a threat.”

“You say that like Eren _is_ a threat,” Farlan says, troubled. “Just because he can transform doesn’t make him dangerous.”

“Not personally, no, but it does by definition. While his power is still that unpredictable, I can’t blame them for reacting the way they did. And I’m willing to bet they feel shit about it now.”

“They do,” Isabel confirms. “Petra especially.”

Good, Levi thinks rather viciously. “It’s fine,” is what he says out loud. “Let them know I’m not angry with them, alright? But I do want a word with them later. Once Eren is up. It’s not me they owe an apology to.”

“Of course,” Isabel says. “I’m just glad he’s alright.”

Yeah, so is Levi. For a second there… Doesn’t matter, it didn’t happen, but still the… The fear had been real. And Levi doesn’t feel that much better now that he knows transforming while underprepared could kill him. It was always a risk, he supposes, but not one any of them had considered given that they know nothing about Eren’s ability.

“Are you alright?” Isabel asks softly, nudging Levi’s shoulder. “That must have been…”

“Yeah. Thanks. You were… You were great, thank you.”

“Any time,” Isabel says, smiling. “We all care about him, you know that.”

Yeah, he does, and he’s so grateful for it. He doesn’t know how hard this would be without them, doesn’t want to even consider the alternative. But it’s fine, he doesn’t need to, because they’re here with him and he’s so glad to have them, even if he hardly ever tells them that.

“You look exhausted,” Farlan says gently. “You should get some rest while you can. We’ll come get you if you’re not up when Eren is.”

Levi doesn’t deserve either of them, no matter how annoying they may be. “Thank you,” he says, familiar migraine making its home behind his eyes. “And tell Hanji no more fucking experiments until I’ve spoken to them. I mean it.”

“Yes, Captain,” Isabel says, saluting cheekily. “Now go fucking sleep before I knock you out myself.”


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are so sweet, thank you for your kind words regarding my posting frequency. But don't you worry none. I've been writing for... Far too many years at this point. It's my hobby and I'm never happier than I am when I'm writing, so don't worry about me burning myself out. I've never cared about a fic the way I've cared about this one, it's probably... The thing I'm most proud of, in the roughly two decades I've been writing. And I'm SO excited to write it all that I do get a bit carried away, yes, but not to a point I can't manage.
> 
> Ya'll just sit back and enjoy the ride. Let me worry about the writing part <3

Eren comes around to a light but incessant tapping against his cheek. When he manages to peel his unwilling eyes open, a severe face swims into view but it’s not the severe face he’s expecting. First off, the hair’s too long and this severe face appears to belong to a woman. Definitely not Levi. Eren blinks, grunting when the fingers keep slapping against his face.

“I’m awake,” he slurs, turning his face away. “Who’re you?”

“Doctor Mariska,” definitely-not-Levi says. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” Eren says, sitting up slowly. The world tilts alarmingly and Mariska steadies him with a hand against his shoulder. “Uh, dizzy. Thirsty. Tired.” He was raised by a doctor. He knows better than to lie about symptoms to a doctor’s face.

“Unsurprising,” Mariska says. “Forgive me, my ignorance prevented me from treating you effectively. Normally I would have administered a drip to get your fluid levels up, but I wasn’t sure what your body would do if I punctured it with a needle.” She presses a glass of water into his hand. “Old fashioned way. Drink up. Two litres or I’m not letting you leave the room.”

Well, it’s definitely not the worst medicine Eren’s been forced to ingest in his life. He downs the entire glass and Mariska refills it from a pitcher several times before Eren has to stop. She seems satisfied by that, even more so when he can stand without swaying.

“Good,” she says. “Resilient. If the dizziness comes back, you come to me straight away. I’ll be speaking with section commander Hanji regarding your transformation preparations, too. It burns too much energy, you are undernourished.”

“Right,” Eren says, only half listening. “Um, can I go now?”

“Straight to the dining hall,” Mariska tells him. “Eat until you feel like you’re going to be sick. You put your body through horrendous strain today. If you’re going to be transforming regularly, you need to up how much food and fluids you ingest to accommodate it.”

Makes sense. Actually, it makes a hell of a lot of sense. Eren feels hollowed out, empty stomach snarling painfully, and though the water took the edge off, it’s still verging on unbearable.

“Go,” Mariska says. “I hope not to see you in here again.”

Nice sentiment, considering she’s a medic. “Thanks, doc,” Eren says. Mariska’s lips twitch into a faint smile and Eren dashes from the room as quickly as his lethargic body will allow. It’s the hunger and the exhaustion that’s really getting to him, because he hadn’t been expecting them, but it does truly make a lot of sense that Eren’s body would need to burn energy to fuel the change or risk leaving him dangerously sick afterwards. Maybe that’s why he couldn’t manifest the titan earlier. Something to consider for the next attempt.

He’s halfway to the dining hall when someone calls out to him. He skids to a stop, turning to see Isabel striding towards him. She wraps him into a tight hug once she’s close enough and he returns it gratefully, please to see she’s unharmed.

“I’m so sorry,” he says at the same time Isabel does and they both stare at each other in surprise.

“Why the hell are _you_ sorry?” Isabel demands. “We’re the ones who turned on you.”

“Well, no,” Eren says. “You didn’t. And I can’t exactly blame them. I did nearly blow us all to shit. Would have if Levi hadn’t warned you.”

“By accident,” Isabel says. “And we’re all so sorry. They were just scared.”

“It’s okay.” And it is, Eren really doesn’t blame them. It wasn’t pleasant, having his comrades turn on him, hit a bit too close to the memory of the wall garrison turning on him, but Eren really can’t hold it against them. Thank god Levi had been there, honestly.

“You need to eat,” Isabel says before Eren can ask where Levi is. “Would you mind coming to eat with us? I can understand if you’d rather not, but the others really want to apologise.”

“It’s really fine,” Eren says, “but sure. Though I’m under strict orders to-”

“Eat until you puke?” Isabel grins. “Yeah, don’t worry, we got the lecture from Mariska when we brought you in. God, I thought Levi was going to pass out.”

Eren startles at that. “Is he okay?”

“What? Yeah, he’s fine, he was just worried.” Isabel loops an arm around Eren’s. “So come on, he’s just finished lecturing the others, it’s the perfect time for them to apologise. While the guilt’s still fresh.”

Oh, good lord. “I’m really not that bothered, I’d’ve done the same.”

Isabel sighs. “No, Eren, you wouldn’t. You’re hot-headed, sure, but you’d give someone the chance to explain before you drew your blades.”

Maybe. Maybe not. Eren won’t ever know because he’ll likely never be in a similar situation. Not unless soldiers start gaining the ability to burst into titans like Eren can. Which isn’t a particularly comforting thought. But either way… Yeah, Eren quite likes that Isabel believes that about him. Yes, he’s brash and impulsive, but he can also be reasonable, too. It’s nice to know. He’s mellowed out a lot, it seems, since he was an angry kid. His mom would be proud.

Ahh, that’s… Not what Eren needs to be thinking about right now. It’s still too raw, so many years later, and he’s still not able to think about her without a great deal of pain. Maybe someday he will, but not any time soon. Maybe he should talk to someone about it, but there’s no one in their friendship group he’d be willing to burden with it. None of them have particularly positive experiences with parents. Maybe Petra? She did say Eren could talk to her.

“Through here,” Isabel says, holding the door open for him. No one looks up when they step inside, save for Levi, whose hard expression softens into something relieved at the sight of Eren, and Eren’s heart thuds at the sight of it. It’s not his fault, Levi’s just never looked at him like that before.

It’s nice.

“You’re awake,” Levi says and his squad look up as one, no longer looking like chastised toddlers who’ve had their wrists slapped.

“Oh, Eren,” Petra says, looking distraught. “We’re so sorry.”

“Hold it,” Eren says, holding his hands up. “I don’t know what the hell I just walked into, but I’m really not looking for apologies. You guys were just doing your jobs, I get it. Please don’t make this awkward, I just want to eat.” He laughs and they all flash him grateful smiles, though Levi’s lips thin disapprovingly.

“We still made a bad call,” Gunther says. “And as your squad, we didn’t place as much trust in you as we should have. The Captain says it was completely unintentional?”

“Yeah,” Eren says. “Not even sure what triggered it-”

“I know!” Hanji yells, bursting into the room. “Good, you’re all here. Eren, here.” They slap something into his palm and it takes Eren a few moments to realise he’s looking at a dirty teaspoon.

“Um,” he says. “Thanks?”

“It was clutched in your titan fist,” Hanji says, eyes glinting manically. “That’s what it is, Eren! Your titan manifests through intention! Injuring yourself is just the catalyst! Your titan body forms only when you have a clear goal in mind.”

“Oh.” Eren stares down at the spoon. “That… Makes a lot of sense.” Like in Trost when he had to survive. Against wall Rose when facing the wall garrison, to save Mikasa and Armin. In Trost again when he had to seal the breach. He’d had clear goals all three times.

“Knowing this, we can move forward,” Hanji says excitedly. “Eren, would you be up for-”

“No more experiments today,” Levi says firmly. “Eren, sit. You need to eat or Mariska will have my head. Hanji, go bother her. She needs to talk to you.”

“Oh, good,” Hanji says brightly. “I wanted to ask her something, actually. Eren, tomorrow, bright and early!” They tear from the room and Isabel steers Eren to the table, sitting him down.

“So…” Eld frowns. “You only transformed because you… Thought about picking up the teaspoon?”

“I guess?” Eren sets the spoon down gingerly. “I mean, I trust what Hanji says. They’re probably the most knowledgeable about this. Hell knows, I don’t even understand what I can do.” He smiles at them. “I don’t blame you guys for reacting the way you did.”

They all glance at each other then, identical expressions of determination on their faces. Eren watches, eyes wide, as all four of them raise their hands and bite into them, almost hard enough to draw blood the way Eren does.

“Hey, what are you doing?!”

“Ow, _fuck,”_ Eld mutters. “How the hell do you do that? Hurts like a bitch.”

“We made a bad call,” Petra says, wincing. “We didn’t trust you as your teammates and that’s no way for a good squad to act. This is our promise that it won’t happen again.”

Weirdly, Eren is kind of touched. Even Levi looks approving. “Alright, but… No more biting. I get it. Thank you.”

“Good,” Levi says, leaning back in his seat. “Now you can all fuck off. Dismissed. Whatever. Lecture’s over.”

They file out one by one but Eren’s too distracted by the huge bowl of broth Isabel sets down in front of him to pay them much attention. He practically inhales the whole thing, scorching his throat with every swallow but too hungry to care. His first breath after the bowl is empty mists in front of his face, and he’s not sure if that’s from the heat of the stew or his throat healing. Only after he’s finished his second bowl does Levi address him.

“You sure you’re feeling better?”

“Yeah,” Eren says. Much better now that he’s eaten. He was so hungry. “Um, the doctor said I needed to prepare better for transformations?”

“Yes, I got that lecture too.” Levi frowns. “Makes sense and I’m annoyed I didn’t even think of it. We’ll be better prepared for future attempts though. Especially once Mariska’s had a chance to talk to Hanji. But still.” He sighs. “We went in without proper caution and you got hurt as a result. Next time you might not have been so lucky. I’m not willing to take risks like that where you’re concerned.”

Eren puts his spoon down. “Yeah, I guess Erwin would give you shit if I died before I could retake wall Maria.” It’s a weak joke and it lands badly, if the darkening of Levi’s expression is any indication.

“I’m not talking about your fucking ability, Eren,” Levi snaps. “I’m not willing to take risks with _you_. You’re more important than the fact that-“

“I can shit out a titan?”

Levi’s lips twitch. “Exactly. So no more risks. That’s a fucking order.”

“Yes, Sir.”

Isabel comes back then, arm in arm with Mikasa and Armin and Farlan following behind. “Look who I ran into!” She says, grinning.

“Actually she actively hunted us down,” Armin says, sitting across from Eren. “How’d titan training go?”

Eren blinks, glances at Levi who raises an eyebrow at him pointedly. It’s the first time Eren’s ever been able to read him well enough to decipher the unspoken words behind his expression.

 _No, I didn’t tell them,_ it says. _I didn’t want to worry them unnecessarily._

“Fine,” Eren lies easily. “Nothing much happened, really. We’ll try again tomorrow.”

He glances back at Levi, hoping his own expression can be read just as easily. He’s seen the way Levi and the others can communicate wordlessly and Eren can do it with Mikasa and Armin, but doing it with Levi? Would be different. It would feel private, intimate somehow.

Levi inclines his head in silent understanding and something warm and wonderful bursts in Eren’s chest.

 _I see you,_ Eren thinks giddily. _I love you._

He can’t say it out loud, but he hopes, he _hopes,_ that, somehow, Levi knows anyway.

* * *

“Ready, Eren?”

Eren widens his stance, raises his hand to his mouth. “Ready.”

Twelve attempts. Twelve attempts and he’s only managed to manifest a full titan body three times. Each time he’s lost control fully, turned on his comrades, but Levi’s always there, severing the nape before Eren can injure anyone and hauling his scorching body from the corpse as it steams.

Each time Eren is left exhausted, no matter how well he prepares. He doesn’t mind the training, he really doesn’t, it’s just not getting easier quickly enough. Every attempt still leaves him sore and drained and feverish, even the times he can’t manifest more than an arm or a leg or a torso. The times he has managed to manifest the titan, his mind has been lost and the titan has taken ever, forcing Levi to act before Eren can unwittingly cause any harm. Levi never once complains and he shuts down Eren’s guilty apologies with an expression that allows no argument.

While it’s not particularly comforting, having Levi cut him out of his rampaging titan body, Eren can’t deny that he feels safest when Levi’s near. He hates that the responsibility has fallen to him, but Levi would never allow it to go to anyone else, even if there were any other options. And there really aren’t any, honestly. Eren’s not been able to command the titan since Trost, which is a failure he can barely stomach. He doesn’t particularly want to control the body, to feel like the titan form as his own, but neither does he want to go on a monstrous rampage.

It’s a lose-lose situation, honestly.

But, ultimately, he doesn’t mind it, gruelling as it is. He doesn’t mind Hanji’s probing questions, their… invasive procedures, because he wants to be useful, he wants to prove that the scouts didn’t make a mistake by claiming custody of him. As long as he can prove that the risk was worth it, everything will be fine. It doesn’t matter how tired he is. It doesn’t matter that the world blurs a little at the edges or that he’s pretty sure he can taste sounds. None of it matters because it can’t matter, Eren has to keep going and he won’t stop until he’s proven his worth.

It’s just like learning endurance training all over again, training his body to withstand the conditions he needs to put it through. It’s slow going, unbearably slow, but it was never going to be anything but. Most days, he can handle it. Others… Others not so much.

He doesn’t always pass out, only on the bad days. Most of the time he can cling to consciousness long enough to get some food and water into him, get back to the castle, and then sleep the afternoon away. Depending on how rested he is, his titan fluctuates between ten to fifteen meters, but never more or less than that threshold. Not once has he managed to retain control, to hold onto rational though, and every time a stinging sense of defeat follows the failure, every incident where Levi is forced to intervene by slashing Eren out of the nape himself.

No matter the outcome, Hanji is always ecstatic. That helps, probably more than they realise. Makes Eren feel like less of a failure.

Mikasa and Armin are never permitted to sit in on the training sessions. None of the other scouts are, outside of Hanji and Levi’s squad. Farlan is, and Moblit, too, but only because they report directly to Hanji. Sometimes Erwin will sit in, but only rarely, and the times that he does Eren is usually too unnerved by his presence to shift properly.

And through it all, Levi’s mood only sours and Eren can’t exactly blame him.

“Okay!” Hanji calls once they and Levi have retreated to a safe distance. “When you’re ready, Eren!”

They’ve forgone the well for all subsequent tests, which Eren is more than happy about. He’s too claustrophobic for it, really, which Levi understands so he doesn’t force the issue. He’s confident enough that he can get Eren out of his titan even if he should lose control, has proved that multiple times already. The rest of Levi Squad - Eren is absolutely going to call them that, it’s _hilarious_ \- are gathered a short way away on horseback, prepared to intervene but only if absolutely necessary.

This time, Eren is prepared. He’s eaten, drank, slept a full eight hours, and he has a clear goal in mind courtesy of Hanji: uproot the fir tree at the edge of the field so they can chop it for firewood. Simple.

Eren bites into his hand.

As always, there’s a flash of pain, the deep ache splitting through his skin, the shock through his body as it recoils automatically from the pain. For a moment, Eren thinks that will be it, and he’ll have to stay out here for god knows how long until he can manifest enough intention to trigger the change. But then the matchstick flares and lightning strikes and pure energy is rippling through him like a thunderstorm gone wild, bursting out from every cell in his body.

Euphoria. Power. _Rage_.

The titan left behind where Eren once stood arches, bellows at the sky, and a flock of terrified starlings spill from their roost in the trees and streak into the sky in a living black cloud. The titan roars again, shaking the ground below it, and Eren is lost to a sea of fury and bloodlust.

He wants to rip, to bite, to tear, to rend. He wants blood and victory and his bones scream at him to move, to fight, but there are no opponents on this battlefield, no bodies for him to tear into and wrench apart. None but the small flock of humans that are watching from below.

They will suffice.

The titan takes a step forward, then another, then it’s running full tilt, sprinting toward the humans on their beasts and roaring as he runs. They scatter, afraid, in all directions at once and the titan bellows, deciding which one to chase first.

A hunt.

 _Perfect_.

But then- Pressure. In his shoulder. Left. The titan stills, looks down, and then there is pressure at his temple, something pulling at his hair. Eyes flick up and there is one of the humans right in front of his face, boots propped against the titan’s nose, hand clutching a lock of hair in its grip for leverage.

The human speaks and the titan growls a warning, raising a hand to swat it away, to crush its bones to dust and rejoice as it bleeds.

But…

The human is familiar. Why is it familiar? The titan doesn’t know, does not care, and raises a hand to swipe.

The human is gone before the titan can strike and now there is sound, harsh, loud words being screamed into his right ear. They make no sense and the titan’s ears twitch angrily, trying to dislodge the irritation.

“Eren!” The irritation cries, a garbled mess of words with no meaning. “I know you’re in there!”

Something inside the titan shifts, unfurls within its most sacred part. _Protect the nape._ This human’s nonsense cries are doing something unholy and unspeakable to his nape and the titan screams out his rage, shaking with fury. He swipes viciously at his own shoulder, but the human is already gone, zipping away to alight on a distant branch. The titan lunges for it, fury burning under his skin.

The nape is sacred. This human must not touch it. The titan will bite, claw, tear, the human must not reach his nape.

The titan bellows out a torrent of rage, right into the face of the human mocking him. The human raises an arm to cover its face, shielding itself from the force of the roar. But then, that tiny human, it dares to spread its arms and roar right back at him.

And the titan staggers, nape prickling with unholy pain. Something inside it is crying out desperately, calling out for the human to hear it. It wants to be heard, to be reached and understood, but the titan’s rage is drowning it out.

The titan- Eren- Titan- Not real, not human, not anything, only a feeling, a memory, possibility, future, _hear me, oh, please hear me_ -

Eren roars a titan’s roar and sinks heavily to a titan’s knee.

He’s… He’s back. He’s in control. The titan’s rage has abated, been pushed away by Eren’s will. The titan body is his now, his to command, his to wield, and as he opens titan eyes, he sees Levi’s tiny face hovering inches from his own.

“Eren?” He sounds suspicious. “Are you with us?”

The titan’s tongue won’t obey him. It’s the only part that won’t. So Eren dips the titan’s head, feels the muscles shift to cooperate, and lets out a low growl of confirmation.

“Oh, thank god,” Levi groans. “Fucking hell, kid. You nearly gave me a heart attack. Hands.”

Hands? Oh. Eren lifts the titan’s hands with some difficulty, upturning his palms so that Levi can drop from his face into them. It’s a bizarre feeling, being able to see Levi and register the pressure against the giant palms as sensation, but there is no recognition tied to the action, like it’s not Eren’s body registering the touch. Like he’s experiencing the world through glass. This body is definitely not Eren’s, feels too alien, too unwieldy and clumsy. Each reaction is slow to come, difficult to control, but at least his mind is his own again.

“Fucking weird,” Levi says, kneeling down in Eren’s palms. “Bring me up a bit?”

Eren rumbles through the titan’s throat, bringing his hands up closer to his face. Levi peers up at him, curiosity lightening his features, and he reaches a hand out to touch the tip of the titan’s nose. “So strange,” he breathes. “Can you feel anything?”

Eren inclines the head, sending titan ears twitching. Levi snorts in amusement. “I have no idea what that means. Grunt twice for yes, once for no. Understand?”

Two grunts.

“Good.”

“Levi!” A cry from below has them both looking down. Brown hair, glasses- Hanji, wriggling around excitedly. “Can I come up? Pretty please?!”

“Oh, for- Yes, fine!”

Hanji cheers and Eren registers pressure again in his titan arm and chest as Hanji’s anchors dig into the titan’s skin, hauling themselves up so they can land neatly on Eren’s palm beside Levi. Their cheeks are red with excitement, eyes glittering behind their goggles. “Oh, hello, handsome!” They gush, reaching up to pat the titan’s cheek. “Oh, this is the best day of my _life!”_

Eren can’t laugh, doesn’t currently possess the physiology, or maybe the control, to do so. Instead a low rumble shudders up from the titan’s throat and Hanji looks so giddy Eren distantly fears they may wet themselves.

“Oh, you wonderful boy!” Hanji cries, leaning up to attempt an embrace around the lower half of the titan’s jaw. Their arms barely manage to clear the first row of teeth to reach the cheeks. “You scientific marvel. I love you.”

“Alright,” Levi grumbles, hauling Hanji back by the scruff of their cape. “Have some decorum, for the love of god.”

They bicker like children and Eren is terrified of dropping them, so while they argue he lowers the titan body down to its knees before plopping down on its backside. He tries not to jostle them too badly but isn’t very successful and they stagger in his palms but don’t fall. Eren’s titan throat gurgles an apology that neither can understand, but Hanji pats his chin affectionately when he turns down the titan’s ears.

“Good boy,” they say. “Now. How do we get you out? Think you can free yourself?”

Eren considers this. He can feel his own body - faintly, very faintly - buzzing like a trapped wasp in the nape. That’s where most of the confusion comes from; the titan has its own will and Eren had not been strong enough to overcome it at first, had needed Levi to call to him and help guide him back. As long as Eren has that tether, he should be fine. Future transformations, though, Eren knows likely will not always go this smoothly. But with practice, anything is possible.

He makes the titan grunt once for no and Levi sighs before unsheathing his blades. “Sorry in advance,” he says to Eren, before whipping from his palm with a hiss of gas. Eren lowers the titan palms to the ground so Hanji can dismount, before reaching a hand back and sweeping the long locks out of the way of his nape for Levi. It feels wrong to be making his nape so vulnerable and he almost covers it on pure instinct, but before he can do so, Levi’s blades sink into the flesh there and the world tilts alarmingly as Eren’s vision dims and flickers and then he’s wrenched backwards, into strong arms that hold him steady as he gasps and steams.

“Shit,” Levi grunts, coughing. “Do you have to chuck off so much steam?”

“Sorry,” Eren wheezes, squinting against the sudden brightness. “Can't… Help it.”

Levi grunts and the world tilts again and a firm arm lifts Eren’s legs until he’s cradled - literally cradled, holy shit - in Levi’s arms, gear wires hissing as Levi lowers them from the titan’s corpse to the ground. Hanji is there the moment they land and they fling their arms around Eren with a joyful cry as soon as Levi lets him go. Eren allows the hug, is grateful for it, because Eren’s face is currently so fucking red he’s afraid his head is going to explode.

“Oh, you’re a tad warm,” Hanji says, resting the backs of their fingers against Eren’s flushed face, then crying out and yanking their hand back. “Holy hell, it’s like you’re on fire! Describe it to me. It must be from the steam. Is it hot inside the titan? Does it burn? Does your body heal while you’re in there or are you impervious? Do you feel hot?”

“Very,” Eren mumbles. He staggers a little and Levi is there - god _damn_ it - to help steady him. Eren’s heart thunders triple time in his chest.

This is somehow the best and worst part of these test sessions. Levi’s taken his promise to heart, apparently, and rather than withdrawing from Eren has taken to standing… A lot closer than Eren is prepared to deal with. In the past week and a half, Levi’s touched Eren more times than he has in all the years they’ve known each other, for reassurance, to catch him, to haul him out of a steaming titan corpse, and Eren’s heart can’t handle it.

“Easy, Hanji,” Levi says. “Give him a minute before you grill him. We’re damn fucking lucky he managed to trigger the change at all, he’s got to be exhausted.”

“Oh, right,” Hanji says sheepishly. “How about we grab some food and chat after? Would that be okay, Eren?”

“Sure,” Eren says with a weak smile, before his eyes roll back in his head and he sags bonelessly toward the ground.

Almost.

The last thing he sees is Levi darting forward, and the reassuring pressure of sure hands supporting the body he is too exhausted to hold up any longer.


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOPS COULDNT WAIT SORRY BOUT IT LMAO

“You look exhausted,” Mikasa frets over dinner, reaching over to feel Eren’s forehead. She winces and draws her hand back before Eren can warn her not to touch him, so he just rolls his eyes as she blows on her burned fingertips.

“Don’t touch,” he says, brandishing his spoon at her. “I’ve told you like a million times. I run hot right after a change.”

“I forgot,” Mikasa says miserably. “This isn’t right, Eren. They’re pushing you too hard.”

“No, they’re not,” Eren says, for quite possibly the hundredth time this week. “If anything, they’re not pushing me hard enough. I could probably stand to attempt multiple changes a day, get stronger, but Levi won’t let me.”

“Good,” Mikasa says, expression darkening. “Then he has more sense than I thought he did.”

“Oh my god, will you let it _go?”_

She knows it annoys him, her weird vendetta against Levi, and Eren would be more tolerant of it if she weren’t constantly looking for a reason to go for him. He gets that she’s pissed, would be exactly the same if their positions were reversed, but it got old pretty fucking fast. It’s the only thing dampening the mood between the sixth of them these days, Mikasa and Levi’s weird little head to head thing they’ve got going on, and the rest of them can’t stand it.

“I just don’t want you to think that what he did was okay because you lo-”

“Shh!” Eren hisses, glancing furtively over his shoulder. “Keep it down!”

“My point exactly,” Mikasa says. “If you didn’t feel that way, you’d be nursing a grudge for the rest of your life. I know you.”

“Maybe I don’t _want_ to hold a grudge,” Eren snaps. “I’m not an idiot, I know it was necessary. And he didn’t want to do it. I know that, so why don’t you?”

“She’s just being overprotective,” Armin says, lowering his newspaper. “Mikasa, stop harassing him. And give Levi a break. You’re being petty for no reason.”

Mikasa glares at him but Armin just raises the newspaper back up and ignores her. Eren snickers and Mikasa kicks him hard under the table. “Oh, so it’s okay when _you_ kick me?”

“I’m your sister, I get special dispensation,” Mikasa sniffs. “And I’ll leave shorty alone if that’s what you want, but I’m not going to pretend I’m happy with him.”

“The rest of us got over it. Admit that you’re only holding onto the grudge because of the time he threw you across the training ground back at the compound.”

Mikasa’s eyes flash dangerously. “That was a fluke.”

“Oh, so it’s not even about me at all? You’re such a liar!”

“Of course it’s not,” Mikasa says, ducking when Eren flings a glob of cabbage at her. “I need an excuse to kick his ass and he’s my Captain now, so I need whatever reason I can get. Him kicking you in the courtroom is the perfect window.”

“I’ll never understand you,” Eren says, shaking his head. “So you haven’t been mad at him this whole time?”

“Little bit,” Mikasa says, pinching her fingers together. “But no, not really. Besides, he looks after you during experiments, right? I owe him for that.”

“You’re a nightmare,” Eren tells her with no real heat. “Armin, are you hearing this garbage?”

“Nope,” Armin says, lifting his newspaper higher. “I’m ignoring you both.”

Eren rolls his eyes. “Charming. How’s training going for you two, anyway?”

“It’s alright,” Mikasa says with a shrug. “Less intense than Shadis’ that’s for sure, but they aren’t afraid to run us hard if they need to. Armin’s just happy that he doesn’t have to fly drills every day.”

“Because unlike basic training, they prioritise your skills,” Armin says, finally folding the newspaper and setting it down. “They don’t care about forcing the cadets to break their backs running drills, they care about each soldier’s individual strengths.”

Eren hums, distracted by the newspaper’s headline. _MP MASS MURDERER KENNY THE RIPPER STILL AT LARGE_ , it reads in bold print. Eren tugs it closer with a finger to get a better look. What the hell kind of name is Kenny? That’s got to be, like, the worst serial killer name in history.

“But no, it’s going well,” Mikasa says. “Officially, no one knows where your place in the formation will be. Each group is being given different information, so it looks like Armin was right.”

“When isn’t he?” Eren asks, grinning at the flush that reddens Armin’s cheeks. “Come on, man, let’s face it. You’ve been wrong about like… I can’t think of an example. Maybe like two things in your entire life?”

“It’s not that I’m not wrong,” Armin mumbles. “I just don’t tend to speak until I’ve thought things through.”

“Mm, that’s feeling a little like a direct attack. You saying I don’t think things through?”

“Well, if the shoe fits…”

Armin gets a faceful of soggy cabbage for that remark and Eren cackles until Mikasa reaches across the table to thump him. They bicker back and forth for the rest of the evening, until Farlan and Isabel come to join them, looking utterly exhausted.

“Hey kids,” Isabel says round a yawn. “What’s new?”

“Holy hell,” Eren says, poking Farlan in the cheek. He grunts and bats Eren away weakly. “What the hell happened to you guys?”

“Erwin,” Isabel says dully. “Talked at us for like… What time is it?”

“Just gone seven,” Armin offers. Isabel groans.

“Like three hours, fucking hell.” She leans forward, resting her cheek against the table. “I had no idea people could talk that much. And none of it even fucking mattered. Like, we’ve been on about twenty expeditions at this point. We know what we’re doing.”

“I don’t even understand why I had to be there,” Farlan complains. “I don’t even do expeditions anymore. I could’ve easily been left out, but no. He wanted me to suffer, too.”

“I’m sure it was important,” Armin offers, patting Isabel’s shoulder consolingly. “Maybe. Actually I have no idea.”

“Thanks,” Isabel says dully. “That helps… Not at all.”

“I tried,” Armin says, shrugging. “Anyone else?”

“I got nothing,” Mikasa says. “Where’s shorty, anyway?”

“Oh, right,” Farlan says, peeling his eyes open and rubbing them roughly. “Eren, can you go to the Captain’s office, please? There was more to the message but I wasn’t listening.”

“Oh, sure,” Eren says, getting to his feet. “Wait, he has an office?”

“No, it’s his bedroom,” Farlan says with a weary smile. “But that sounds less inappropriate than “please can you go to the Captain’s bedroom”.”

Yes, it does, and Eren’s face flares red hot because of it. Mikasa snickers at him and he throws her a dirty glare. “Okay, I’ll catch you guys later.”

“Fair warning,” Isabel calls, not lifting her head, “he’s in a foul mood.”

“When is he not?” Farlan mutters. “Good luck, Eren!”

Probably less concerned by that warning than he should be, Eren leaves the dining hall and jogs through the quiet halls towards Levi’s quarters. He’s only down the hall from Eren’s own room, has been since they arrived, but so far Eren’s never been inside, hasn’t had reason to venture that far. Not that he wants to! He’s just curious about what Levi’s chosen to do with his living space, now that he has more privacy than he’s used to.

He knocks and waits for Levi to respond, but after a good few minutes, there’s no response from inside. Eren knocks again, louder, but still there’s only silence from the other side of the door. He debates with himself for a long moment before tentatively turning the handle and slowly pushing the door open. Once he can fit his head through the gap he peers in, squinting into the low light of the room.

The curtains on the window are tightly drawn against the light of the setting sun, the only light seeping through a soft orange glow around the edges. The room itself is blanketed in soft darkness, muted but not oppressive. Eren edges inside once his eyes adjust, looking around for any sight of their recalcitrant Captain. He must be in here, otherwise Farlan wouldn’t have sent him here, surely?

And- Yes. There he is, but it’s not at all where Eren expected to find him.

Levi’s slumped over his desk, head pillowed on folded arms and expression tense even in sleep. He can’t be comfortable, hunched over like that, but he’s definitely asleep, is even snoring softly, which is all kinds of adorable, honestly.

“Levi?” Eren calls softly, hesitant to break the quiet, but Levi doesn’t exactly look like he’s sleeping peacefully. As much as Eren would like to stand here and enjoy a rare, unguarded Levi, it wouldn’t be right to impose on Levi while he’s not expecting it. “Levi.”

Levi grunts softly, shifts on the desk and slowly pushes himself upright. “Eren?” His voice is low, rough with sleep, and yet somehow softer than Eren has ever heard it.

“Hey,” Eren whispers, though unsure exactly why. “Sorry, Farlan only just gave me your message. Were you waiting long?”

“No,” Levi murmurs, kneading the heel of his palm against his right eye with a grimace. “No, I just… Meant to close my eyes for a moment. Erwin’s lecture dragged on a bit longer than I was expecting.”

“Isabel and Farlan said it was boring.”

“Yeah, they tend to switch off whenever Erwin talks. Some of us don’t have that luxury.” He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose tightly. “Sorry, give me a minute. I’ve got a headache that just won’t shift.”

“I can come back?”

“No, it’s- Fine. I just need a minute.”

Eren hovers awkwardly, unsure if he should sit or remain standing. He’s not sure what Levi wants from him, especially not the kind of something that would warrant Eren coming to his private quarters, when they could just as easily have a conversation in the dining hall. But if Levi’s got a headache, Eren can understand why he wouldn’t want to face the noise of the dining hall until it abates.

“Does it happen a lot?”

“The headache?”

“Yeah. Sorry, should I be quiet?”

Levi smiles thinly. “No, it’s fine, it’s not sound. It’s light. I’ve… Always struggled a bit. Since… Well.”

Eren nods slowly in understanding. It makes a lot of sense, though it sounds horrifically unfair. Spending so long in the underground would have definitely caused some damage, and it’s not fair that Levi has to endure it after everything he went through to escape. It’s not fair that the underground still hangs around him like a stain he can’t wash off. Not that Eren thinks he’s stained, but the way Levi acts makes him think that maybe Levi believes he is.

Actually, he doesn’t think it, he’s certain Levi believes it. And he’s wrong, but so far Eren hasn’t gotten a chance to tell him that.

“Does anything help?”

“Painkillers,” Levi grunts. “But I don’t like taking them.”

“Tea?”

“Couldn’t hurt.”

Right, good. Means Eren has an excuse to stop hovering around awkwardly. Levi hadn’t gone the same way as Isabel had and picked a huge room for himself, but he’d chosen one with a small hearth simply because he prefers his own company over the majority of others and that means Eren has everything he needs to brew a pot without leaving Levi’s company. It might be illogical, but Eren’s never been more reluctant to leave Levi’s company than he is now, not while Levi’s in pain. Pain that he never shows anyone, pain that he suffers with a lot, if Eren’s suspicions are correct

“Where’s the stash?” Eren asks as he stacks some kindling into the hearth, prompting an amused snort from the vicinity of the desk.

“I’ll get it. I’m not giving away all my secrets.”

“God forbid.” Eren grins. “You have matches, right? I’m shit at starting fires. Failed right out of that part of survival training.”

“Why am I not surprised?” Carefully, like he’s not quite sure of the steps he’s taking, Levi pads across the room, fetching something from nearby his bed. Eren moves to the side as Levi crouches down beside him, setting a small metal tin on the floor and striking two pieces of flint together over the kindling. The sparks catch and Levi blows softly until the kindling lights, though his expression is pinched with discomfort the entire time.

“Go sit,” Eren says, nudging him. “I’ve got this.”

Levi doesn’t argue, for once, and withdraws to go sit back down. Eren’s more than capable of carrying on from here, sets water to simmer over the slowly growing fire, and picks up the small box of tea Levi left beside him. The label’s worn, peeling in some parts and torn completely in others, and the metal of the tin itself is scratched but not rusted. It’s dented, well-used, but at the same time, it looks treasured. Inside, when Eren opens the lid, are several little paper packages tucked neatly side by side with Levi’s messy scrawl on each package.

“Oh, ceylon!” Eren says, plucking one of the packages out. “I recognise this one. Is it good?”

“It’s got orange in it.”

“...Is that good?”

“Don’t know. Can’t decide. Brew it if you want.”

Eren wants. Once the water is hot enough but not quite boiling, Eren takes it off from over the fire, carefully pouring it through the strainer into the pot. Once that’s done and while it steeps, Eren carries the pot over to the desk, intrigued by the citrus scent.

“Seems weird to put orange in it.”

“That’s why I bought it. Confused the hell out of me, but I had to try it. Probably spend more of my wages on tea than I should, but whatever.” He murmurs his thanks as Eren pours a cup for him. “Not like I have much else to spend it on.”

“You could save it,” Eren suggests. “Nice, cushy retirement.”

Levi snorts. “I’m not the kind of person who retires, Eren. I’m going to be a scout for the rest of my life. I’d go mad with nothing to do.”

Eren frowns at that, regarding Levi with narrowed eyes. “You didn’t even want to be a scout,” he points out. “Why the sudden dedication?”

“Fuck knows,” Levi says, picking his cup up in that bizarre way he has, fingers over the rim, rather than round the handle. “Nice feeling like what I do matters, I suppose. You didn’t hear the speech Isabel gave me after our first expedition. Almost put yours to shame.”

“I’d’ve liked to hear it. She’s… intense when she gets going, huh?”

“You don’t know the half of it,” Levi mutters. “But she made sense, which was the worst part. Fucking brat. I’m jaded, I don’t need shit to believe in, but fuck. Kid makes me all kinds of hopeful. You two are so much alike it’s not even funny.”

Eren blinks at that, startled. “We are?”

“Yeah. All…” Levi waves a hand. “You know?”

“Uh? No?”

Levi grunts. “Might need more than a minute. My head’s still pounding.”

“Can I do anything?”

Levi gives him a long look, eyes pinched around the edges. “Keep talking. It’ll distract me.”

“Oh, uh, okay?” Every possible conversation topic flies out of Eren’s head. “I don’t think I've ever drawn a blank so badly before. Can… Can I ask you questions? Is that allowed?”

Levi gives him an odd look. “Why the hell would you think you can’t?”

Eren smiles faintly. “Call it a hunch. If I asked you to tell me about your childhood, what would you say? Gut reaction.”

“I’d tell you to fuck off and mind your own business,” Levi says at once, frowning when Eren barks a sharp laugh. “Okay, so you might be onto something.”

“Yeah, no shit. And, like, I get it. I do. But also… I don’t even know your surname.” And yeah, that doesn’t really mean anything, but there’s so much about Levi that Eren doesn’t know. He knows enough to love him, god does he know enough to love him, but there’s so much more he doesn’t know, wants to know, and he’s starting to think that maybe Levi won’t mind telling him as much as he might have done a few years ago.

“Fuck,” Levi says. “Fine. Yeah, okay. Ask. Can’t promise I’ll answer, but...”

“Thank you,” Eren says sincerely. Levi scowls the way he always does when faced with genuine sentiment, but he doesn’t take back his allowance. “So… Do you have a surname?”

“No.” Levi shrugs. “Maybe? Don’t know it, though. If I ever did, I’ve forgotten it.”

Yikes, okay. “Who raised you?”

Levi snorts. “First time I've been asked that genuinely. Normally it’s like a “damn, who raised you?” Kind of deal.” He shakes his head. “...My mom. For a few years. Then my uncle, for even less. Then no one. From… twelve? To now.”

Such a long time to be alone. “How old were you when you met Farlan and Isabel?”

“Fourteen when I met Farlan. Fifteen when I met Isabel. Feels like longer, though. Feels like they’ve always been around.”

“Do you… Do you remember your mom?”

Levi is quiet for a long moment and Eren is terrified that he’s overstepped a boundary. But then Levi lets out a long breath, cheeks billowing out with the force of it. “Less and less with every year. I try not to. Don’t want to think about how little I do remember.”

“What was her name?”

Voice far softer than Eren’s ever heard it, Levi says, “Kuchel.”

“Do you think you could describe her?”

Levi frowns. “I think so. Maybe? What, now?”

“If you don’t mind. It might help?”

Levi doesn’t look convinced and Eren is fully prepared to be refused, was taking a risk even suggesting such a thing, but Levi doesn’t immediately shoot him down. He seems to be thinking it over, wrestling with something private that Eren isn’t privy to, and he holds his breath while he waits for Levi’s decision.

“Like me,” Levi finally says, closing his eyes and wrinkling his nose in concentration. It is, Eren has to admit, a very cute expression, but saying as much out loud would likely get him beheaded. “She had… My eyes, I think. Or I have hers, I guess? Whichever way round it’s supposed to be. But hers were… Softer. She had longer hair, too. Really dark, almost blue in some light. Really pale. Kind of thin in the face, but we all were, really. Danger of starvation and all that. She had a really soft laugh. Liked to sing a lot.” He falls silent for a long moment. “...Huh.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah, I… Remember more than I thought I did.”

Eren chances a smile. “That’s good, isn’t it?”

“Must be,” Levi says. He shakes himself, reaching for his teacup. “Next question.”

“I’m good, I think,” Eren says after a moment. Levi looks surprised. “Thanks for telling me that. I’ll have more questions later, but I think that’s enough for now.” It isn’t and Eren burns with curiosity, but he knows better than to push where Levi is concerned. He might act like it doesn’t bother him, might wrap himself in that stoic mask, but the last thing Eren wants to do is hurt him, and memories are not a good thing for people like Levi, whose past contains more pain than most.

“You could probably stand to push a little more,” Levi says over the rim of his cup.

“Is that what you want? Or what you think I want?”

Levi regards him for a long moment. “Fair point. But…” He frowns, lowering his cup. “I won’t ever offer it. You know that, right? If you want to know anything, you’ll need to ask for it. I won’t just start reminiscing. I don’t do that shit.”

“I can do that,” Eren says, nodding. “But not now.” Eventually, yes, Eren will ask all the questions he wants to ask, will know Levi as completely as he aches to. And he thinks - somewhat giddily - that Levi would let him. The knowledge is heady, overwhelming, but not at all bad. It means Levi trusts him, and there can be no higher privilege.

“So what did you actually want me here for?”

“Oh, right,” Levi says, like he’d forgotten, which Eren doubts. “You’re training with me tomorrow.”

That’s...surprising. “Training? With just you? Won’t Hanji be upset?”

“No, because it’s not titan training,” Levi says. “That’s completely their territory, I’m only there to run interference when you go feral.” Fair point, but ouch. “No, you’re coming on patrol with me. On paper, anyway.” Eren gives him a confused look then and Levi’s lips twitch up slightly on one side. “Officially, you and I will be running a patrol. _Unofficially_... I requisitioned you a new set of gear. We’re going flying.”

Eren’s breath catches. Flying… With _Levi_. Eren is overcome with a sense of longing so visceral it’s almost physical. It hasn’t even been that long since Eren last wore the gear, but he’s not used any since Trost and never had a set of his own. And flying with Levi? It’s been… Years. Eren wonders if Levi understands the weight of the gesture and exactly what that means to Eren.

Judging by the satisfied expression on his face, he might have some idea.

“I…” Eren swallows. “Thank you.”

“Figured it was long overdue,” Levi says, tapping a nail against the side of his cup. “You’ve been restless without it. And I can’t blame you, honestly. But tomorrow, bright and early. I want to be out of here before the rest of the scouts are up. And not a word, okay? We’re just running patrol.” He scowls. “Erwin wants me to run you harder in Hanji’s experiments. I don’t want to give him an excuse to lecture me again.”

“You could, you know,” Eren says. “Push me harder, I mean. It might help.”

“I’m fully aware that I could,” Levi says. “I don’t want to. Out of thirteen attempts, you’ve manifested a full titan only four times, and you’ve passed out after nine of them. If I push you harder, I could kill you. Do you understand that?”

Yes, Eren understands. Mariska’s warning had been enough to instil some sort of fear in him, and though Hanji is guilty of overenthusiasm, they’re still careful not to push Eren too far. Part of him wants to fight against it, just to prove that he can, but he knows that fighting against Levi won’t get him anywhere.

“You yelled at me,” Eren says, blinking at the sudden memory. “When I was a titan. You roared right back at me.”

“Mm, figured it couldn’t hurt. Seemed to work, though.”

“Well, yeah, because it was you,” Eren says without thinking. The words fall out unchecked and a long moment of silence stretches out between them in the aftermath, so long and so painful that Eren’s entire face burns red. “...I… Uhhh.” Fuck. Think, Eren, think! Backtrack, backtrack fucking quickly or Levi’s going to-

“I’m honoured?” Levi says, tilting his head. “Well, gives us a jumping off point, I suppose. If I just bellow at your titan and shock you back to your senses. Wonder if it would work with anyone else.”

“I doubt it,” Eren says because he is _physically incapable of keeping his fucking mouth shut_. “I mean, uh, maybe? I don’t know. We could test it?” Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Levi hums, reaching for the pot to refill his cup. “Still don’t know how I feel about the orange,” he comments absently. “What about you?”

“Oh, uh, no, I like it. Fruity.” Eren, what the fuck is _wrong_ with you?

Levi looks at him. “Yeah, fruit… tends to be fruity. Are you okay?”

No, Eren thinks hysterically. He’s been in Levi’s company for too long, he’s gotten too relaxed, too careless with his words, and if he’s not careful he’s going to blurt out something _colossally_ stupid. Like the fact that he’s been in love with Levi for the past… two, nearly three years? Which would be, unequivocally, the most idiotic thing he could ever do.

“Just- tired,” Eren offers lamely. “Oh, hey,” he says, desperate for something, anything, to divert the conversation into safer territory. “Did you hear about that mass murderer in the Capital?”

“The one Gunther was talking about the other week?”

“Yeah, that one. I don’t think there are two, that would be horrifically unlucky. No, I saw it on Armin’s newspaper earlier. Kills his victims by creeping up on them and slitting their throats, which is really grim. All the scouts are talking about it. They’ve called him Kenny the Ripper. Stupid name, right?

Levi wheezes into his cup, spewing tea out of his nose, and Eren is too shocked to laugh. It takes a few minutes for Levi to clear tea out of his lungs so he can speak again, thumping himself hard in the chest.

“Kenny?” He croaks. “You’re sure it was Kenny?”

Eren blinks. “Wh- Yeah. I remember, because I thought it was a stupid… Name. Are you okay?”

Levi shakes his head. “I’m fine,” he grunts, which, mixed messages, anyone? “Just… I knew a Kenny. Long time ago. Not a very common name.”

“I guess not. But “Kenny the Ripper”, though? Kenny’s fine on it’s own, but that’s just ridiculous.”

Levi snorts at that, mopping his face and hands with a handkerchief he tugs out of his pocket. “Yeah, it is. Is there a reason you brought it up?”

“Not really. I just thought the name was funny. Didn’t mean to make you aspirate tea, though.”

“It’s fine.” He folds the handkerchief neatly, setting it on the table beside his cup. “Look, I have paperwork to do, considering I took a nap when I shouldn’t have. But meet me by the stables tomorrow, just before sunrise, if you can manage it.”

“Sure,” Eren says, able to recognise a dismissal when he sees it. “Bright and early. Can’t wait.”

“And thanks. For the tea and the company.”

Eren should absolutely not, but he’s fuckin’ going to anyway. “Want to make a habit of it?”

Levi considers this. “Sure. Sure as fuck beats the dining hall.”

Pleased, Eren bids him goodnight and scarpers back to his room. It’s late now, so the others have all likely gone to bed, but Eren sure as hell won’t be able to sleep any time soon. No, he’s got more pressing matters to attend to, even if he should turn in early for his pre-dawn start tomorrow. But the idea flittered into his head while Levi was talking about his mother and Eren needs to do this while the description is fresh in his mind.

He drops to his knees the moment he reaches his bed, tugging his journal out from beneath the mattress. The pencils he retrieves from the drawer in his bedside table, lighting the candle on top of it and settling down on his bed with the journal spread out across his lap, restless with excitement.

He’s more practiced at drawing with a concrete reference, which is why most of his sketches are of objects, people, animals, but he thinks he can manage this if he tries. He probably knows Levi’s face better than he knows his own, can summon the image to his mind with crystal clarity, and it’s not hardship to alter the image to fit Levi’s description, as vague as it had been.

Eren’s pencil is moving across the page before the conscious thought comes to command it to do so, sketching out shapes, angular lines, and smudging them into shadows that he lines and redraws and shades with a level of concentration that pushes the rest of the world away.

His back aches from how he’s hunched over and his left leg has gone completely numb by the time he straightens up, but when he lifts the page to the candle to examine it, pride and satisfaction blossom warm in his chest.

He’ll find out tomorrow if he’s right. He dearly hopes he is.


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it’s not a date. except it ABSOLUTELY is.
> 
> this one is a bit of a beast of a chapter because...
> 
> well, you’ll see why.

By the time the shadows of early dawn begin to creep and stretch long under the soft light of the rising sun, Levi has already been awake for over an hour, forced out of bed by a sense of restless anticipation so intense it’s left his limbs feeling twitchy and uncoordinated. Unwilling to spend the pre-dawn hours pacing his room like the pile of neuroses taped together into the vague shape of a person that he is, he dresses and straps his gear harness into place, taking his unruly and twitchy body down to the stables far earlier than is strictly necessary.

Most of the horses are still resting peacefully in their stalls, but one in particular seems to have been anticipating his arrival long before he’d even made the decision to come down. Lark pokes her pretty head over the stall door, whickering softly as her rider approaches and dipping her head low to receive pets as soon as Levi is close enough.

“Couldn’t sleep either?” He asks her, rubbing gentle circles between her ears. She huffs, headbutting his chest lightly and Levi tries not to be pissed about how far down she has to lean to do so. “Yeah, I know how that feels. Excited to get out? Yeah? Me, too.”

Excited… Doesn’t even cover it. It’s been too long since Levi has been able to leave the world behind, to let go of everything except the exhilarating weightlessness of flight. The training grounds can’t come close, drills can’t even compare, and when he’s on expeditions, his concentration is too focused on survival and the plains of wall Rose too flat to allow for the gear. The last time he truly flew was years ago, back at the compound, in Eren’s company, ironically enough.

It’s been too long since Levi’s seen the kid fly. He wonders if Eren’s managed to let go of the fear, to let his keen instincts take over the way Levi knows he can.

He can’t wait to see for himself.

He lets himself into Lark’s stall and she sidesteps with a soft whicker as he nudges her out of the way, watching him with dark eyes as he takes the body brush of its hook on the wall. She likes being clean almost as much as her rider does, and she’s never calmer than she is when Levi’s tending to her coat, brushing it until it shines. Her head hangs low, dipping further with each gentle pass of the comb’s teeth through her coat, and Levi loses himself in the methodical, calming task, taut nerves finally loosening after his restless night.

He’s taking a risk and he knows it. Things are good between him and Eren - almost normal, though he doesn’t think they’ll ever be able to get back to exactly how they had been, knowing what he does about their… shared feelings - and things have been easier, far more pleasant than he’d been expecting after his rather world-altering revelation. But even so, he’s risking it all just for the chance to see that sorely-missed, unburdened smile flit across the kid’s face.

He knows Eren. He knows exactly what each failed transformation is doing to him, how it’s twisting the kid up inside. And it’s not fair, but there’s not much Levi can do for him, except try to ease the burden where he can. Erwin wants to push him harder, Hanji does too, even Eren wants to be pushed to his limits and likely beyond, but the only one pushing _back,_ the only one planting themselves firmly and refusing to budge, is Levi himself. He won’t let Eren injure himself just because he doesn’t think his ability is progressing fast enough.

Which is exactly what he would do if Levi weren’t there to stop him. Erwin knows better, yet he’s still trying Levi’s already limited patience by even daring to suggest they test Eren harder. He’s been able to manifest a full titan less than a handful of times, and only once has Levi been able to reach him, to pull his mind up through the titan’s furious haze. Yes, more tests might yield results quicker, might get Eren to the point that he’ll be able to transform instantly and be ready to fight for them instead of against them much faster, but Levi isn’t willing to risk it. Erwin can argue all he wants, can cajole and persuade and manipulate, but Levi won’t move an inch. Not for this.

They’ll get to the point Erwin wants them to reach as soon as Eren’s body is able to withstand the strain and not a moment sooner. Levi doesn’t care if they can’t mount an expedition for months, he’s not going to be the one responsible for Eren’s body failing because it can’t handle the overexertion. Not only would the guilt kill him, the grief would finish him off far quicker.

And ain’t that just a goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation? Completely unwillingly, Levi’s put so much on the kid’s shoulders. If anything happened to him, or to Farlan or Isabel, Levi’s not sure what he’d do. He’d nearly lost his mind when Farlan lost his goddamn leg, the same insanity tugged at his mind the first time Eren passed out post-transformation. Every morbid eventuality has the potential to ruin him. He doesn’t particularly want to find out if it will.

With careful fingers he tugs the neat braids out of Lark’s mane, loath to do so after the effort Eren had put in to tie them so prettily, but needing to comb it through. The mare chuffs happily at the attention, and Levi hums absently to her, a half-remembered melody that he will deny ever uttering if anyone overhears. Not that there’s any danger of that at five AM, but it’s the principle of the thing. Lark doesn’t care about his reputation and she’s good at keeping secrets since she’s, you know, a horse, so Levi isn’t particularly bothered if she thinks he’s a softy or not. He is, where she’s concerned, but that’s his business.

He’s never been much good with braids, considering the last time his hair was long enough to reach past his jaw, he’d had much more important things to worry about, like starvation and a dead mother, but he does a decent enough job of it, though Eren’s attempts had been much nicer. Go figure, since the kid’s own hair is always an unruly mess, hanging almost to his shoulders and looking as though it’s never seen a hairbrush in its life. It suits him, though, the long, unruly mane. But Levi does itch to brush the damn thing sometimes. Still might, if he ever thinks Eren’s gone too long without proper upkeep. The kid would let him, too, Levi knows.

And that’s the other side of the risk, honestly. Aside from the fact he’s breaking all sorts of fraternization laws and likely giving Erwin a headache - good - by spending too much time around the recruit he’s directly responsible for putting down should the need arise, he’s also risking everything by spending time alone with Eren. He’d spent so long afraid that the kid would blurt out his feelings and irreparably ruin their relationship, but Eren’s far more emotionally mature as an adult than he ever was as a hot-headed kid, moreso than Levi gave him credit for, and it’s not Eren Levi has to worry about blurting out stupid shit.

No, Levi’s starting to suspect that he’s going to be the one to say something stupid. Go figure.

It’s not an urgent problem, though. Levi’s always been reticent, uncooperative and tight-lipped about the things that matter. He’s got years of practice in not blurting out everything that pops into his head, a trait that is very rare among their odd little group of friends. But Eren always makes Levi want to be _honest,_ to give more of himself than he’s ever felt the desire to give before. Maybe it’s because Eren never judges people harshly, is always willing to listen no matter how mouthy he can be at times. The rare times when Levi does express himself, Eren listens with the kind of concentration he bets Shadis wishes he could have shown in their classroom-based sessions.

How did Levi not see it before? Ever since Farlan mentioned the whole damn thing, Levi’s been smacked in the face repeatedly by the undeniable proof of Eren’s feelings. Not in a particularly uncomfortable way, not obviously, but the things that he does just scream affection and Levi wonders just how thick-headed he must be that none of it even registered before Farlan had clued him in. It seems so obvious now, the gentle affection Eren holds for him, and as daunting as it had seemed at first, Levi’s gotten used to it, expects it even. Wants it. Maybe. Just a little. Okay, a lot, but he’s not got much experience with the whole institution, so as much as he may be starting to like the presence of the affection in Eren’s behaviour, he still has no fucking clue how to act about it.

“What am I going to do?” He murmurs to Lark, tying off the last braid. Predictably, she doesn’t answer because she’s still a horse and hasn’t miraculously obtained the ability to counsel Levi on his problems in the past half hour, but her ears swivel in his direction when he speaks, which is nice. He’s not really looking for answers, the acknowledgement is enough. “You don’t give a shit, huh? As long as you get sugar cubes and the odd carrot, you’re happier than a pig in shit. Yeah, don’t give me that, I know you’ve figured out how to open the chaff hatch. Crafty bitch.”

Lark gives a low, twitching huff that sounds suspiciously like a laugh. “Yeah, ‘fess up, I know you’re the one making all the food disappear. Troublemaker. You’re gonna get me in deep shit if you keep that up. Is that what you want? Who’s going to sneak sugar cubes out to you then, huh? ‘Cause it sure as shit won’t be me.”

“I’ll probably be the next in line for that particular task,” Eren pipes up from the stall door and Levi doesn’t jump, is too well-trained for that, but he does whip round faster than is strictly necessary, somewhat embarrassed to have been found talking nonsense to his horse. Eren grins at him over the stall door, eyes still slightly heavy with sleep, and Levi’s chest seizes in a fun and interesting new way. _Not._

“You’re so cute,” Eren says and Levi is absolutely not having that, has a reputation to uphold, fuck you very much. But then Eren stretches out a hand to pet Lark’s curiously snuffling nose. “Aren’t you? Yes, you are.”

Right. The horse. Of course.

“You’re early,” Levi says, a little more gruffly than he intends to, and hangs the body brush back up, brushing his hands off. “You could’ve gotten another hour in. I’d’ve come and dragged your ass out of bed if you’d overslept.”

“Mm,” Eren hums sleepily. “Meant to, but I couldn’t get back to sleep. Figured the morning air would-” He breaks off to yawn so wide that Levi fears absently for the continued existence of his jaw muscles. “-shock me awake.” He grins, rubbing a watery eye. “As you can see, it’s not working just yet.”

“I could make you run laps?”

“Okay, _Shadis_ ,” Eren laughs. “I’ll be fine in a minute. Why are _you_ up so early?”

Levi shrugs. “Restless night. No point rolling around in bed trying to sleep, figured I could do something productive.”

“Fair enough.” Eren leans back, hanging off the stall door as he glances down the row of boarded, sleepy horses. “Hey, now that I’m a proper scout, does this mean I get my own horse and can stop stealing one of the spares?”

Levi gives him a faint smile. Perfect timing. “Come with me.” He lets himself out of Lark’s stall, Eren stepping back out of the way, and once it’s bolted closed behind him, he leads Eren down past the stalls to the one on the far end. “You don’t really get the luxury of choosing, considering all the scouts’ horses are specially bred to be fast and fearless. The only reason I got Lark was because no one else could handle her.”

“Oh, poor baby,” Eren says softly. “I’m glad she went to you, then.”

Levi hums agreeably. “But my point is, you don’t normally get to pick your mount. You get what you’re given and you don’t complain. The scouts don’t get enough supplies to be picky. But.” He taps the stall door. “There are some perks to being Captain, I’ll admit. Mainly because I’m the one in charge of all requisition orders, and I choose what gets allocated where because Erwin’s too busy for that shit so he foists it off on me. Like I don’t have my hands full babysitting excitable titans.”

Eren pokes his tongue out petulantly but steps closer to the stall, undeniably curious. He leaps back when an equally excitable but altogether more equine head thrusts itself through the open top half of the door, snuffling eagerly in Eren's direction.

“Oh!” Eren says, holding his hands out. “Well, hello there.”

The bay gelding rubs his nose all over Eren’s hands, lipping at him curiously. Eren laughs, loud and delighted, and the horse’s ears swivel forward at the sound. The beast wriggles impatiently, kicking at the door to try and get closer, and Levi knows he’s made the perfect choice.

“You won’t find a better horse,” Levi says, patting the gelding’s neck. “Well, maybe Lark, but I’m biased. He’s young, but he’s fast, and he’ll serve you well out there. Reliable, fearless, if a little… Excitable.” He smirks. “Reminded me of a particular brat I know.”

“Why can’t you ever just do anything nice without insulting me?” Eren complains, laughing as the bay snuffles at his pockets. “Yes, yes, you smell right, I’ve got contraband. Ease off.” Eren nudges the horse’s head away, digging in his pockets for a couple of sugar cubes he had no doubt brought down to give Lark while Levi wasn’t looking. The bay lips them eagerly out of his palm, giving a high, excited whinny. “Does he have a name?”

“Horse. Fuck if I know, he’s yours, you name him.”

“Oh, god,” Eren laughs. “I’m terrible at names. We used to have a stray that would hang around the house when I was a kid. Apparently I named it “Teapot”.”

“I think that’s an exceptional name for a cat.”

Eren snorts, stroking his hands slowly over the horse’s nose. “You would… You know, I think he does kind of look like a Horse.”

Levi stares at him for a long moment. “And here I thought you were a _complete_ moron, but you sure showed me. That _is_ a horse. Well done.”

Eren kicks him. Or tries to. Levi steps neatly back before the toe of Eren’s boot can connect with his shin. “Jerk. I meant for a name. It’s unoriginal enough to be original. No one would expect it.”

Holy shit, this kid is something else. “You’re really going to name your horse… Horse.”

“I am,” Eren says, looking fifteen different shades of pleased with himself. “Hello, Horse. Nice to meet you.”

Horse - fucking hell - whickers happily, rubbing his nose against Eren’s arm. As Levi had predicted when the newest batch of horses had arrived, the gelding is perfect for Eren. Levi had, admittedly, possessed an ulterior motive when selecting a horse for Eren’s first expedition, and it hadn’t been a hardship to get the horse assigned to him after he’d seen the specs. Fast, reliable, perfect for getting Eren away from marauding titans should his ability fail while they’re out past wall Rose. The horse’s overly friendly manner hadn’t hurt, either.

“Come on, get him saddled,” Levi says. “Bring him round and we can grab your gear. Might as well get a head start while we can. Less chance of being spotted.”

Eren glances at him suspiciously. “I thought you said we were going on patrol? _Officially_.”

“I did say that. It’s what we in the business refer to as a _lie_.” So Erwin hadn’t technically signed off on letting Eren leave the castle grounds without a full escort, never mind the fact that Levi’s more than capable of handling any incidents that may occur, so yes, Levi’s operating technically against his Commander’s express wishes. But it will be worth it to give Eren a few precious moments of freedom.

Besides, what’s Erwin going to do? Demote him? Fine. Not like Levi ever wanted to be a Captain in the first place. Erwin would be shooting himself in the foot if he did that anyway. Levi’s safe from everything except Erwin’s disapproval. Which is such a non-issue it’s laughable.

“Crafty bastard,” Eren says fondly. “Come on, Horse, let’s get you all handsome and ready to go.”

Levi shakes his head and heads back to Lark’s stall. She’s got her head craned over the door, watching curiously for his approach. He gets her kitted out with her tack in record time and is waiting for Eren to finish with Horse - this is Levi’s fault, no matter how fucking funny it might be - just as the sun begins to rise over the treetops.

“Ready!” Eren calls, leading Horse out of his stall by the reins. “We gearing up now?”

“Now,” Levi confirms with a nod. They tie the horses up at the hitching post by the supply shed and Levi leads Eren inside to the rows of gear scabbards, sparkling clean and well maintained. At least the scouts take care of their gear, even if their habits towards their living spaces are lamentable.

“Yours is the one at the end on the left,” Levi says, pointing to the set of gear in immaculate condition. Brand new, begging to be used, all taut wires and polished springs, and Eren makes a soft sound of excitement as he hurries over to it, running his hands reverently over the shining metal.

“You’re the best,” Eren says, disarming Levi completely. “I mean it. You didn’t have to do any of this. The horse, the gear… Levi, _thank_ you.”

Fuck. _Fuck_. Eren’s boundless, genuine sincerity. Levi’s one fucking weakness. “Alright,” he grumbles, turning away to fetch his own gear, face heating uncomfortably. “You don’t have to get weird about it.”

“I’m being perfectly normal, thank you. It’s just you that can’t handle genuine expressions of gratitude.”

Well. He’s got Levi fucking bang to rights there, hasn’t he? “Don’t hold back, tell me how you really feel.”

“Okay,” Eren says and Levi nearly drops his left scabbard. Oh, holy shit, no, he can’t- “I think you’re secretly a lot sweeter than you like to let on, and I’m so smug about the fact that I know that when everyone else doesn’t.”

Okay. Okay, that’s… Levi can handle that. At least he hadn’t… Fuck, this was such a bad idea. Too risky. But Levi doesn’t want to change his mind, couldn’t handle the disappointment on Eren’s face if he called the whole thing off. He’s made his bed and he needs to suck it the fuck up and lie in it. Even if Eren’s proximity and unrestrained affection feels like it’s dangerously close to choking him.

“Yeah, well, you’ve known me long enough,” Levi says, clearing his throat roughly. “And don’t fucking spread it around. I have a reputation.”

“Yeah, so I’ve heard. “Humanity’s Strongest”. Fancy.”

“Yeah? “Humanity’s Hope” thinks my title is fancy?”

“...Touché.”

Levi snorts and finishes buckling his left scabbard to his gear, turning round just in time to see Eren straighten up from tightening his own thigh straps. He looks good like this, right, like he’s meant to wear the gear, and the sight is reassuringly familiar, even if Eren is considerably taller than he was the last time Levi saw him in full gear. The bastard.

“You should do something about your hair,” Levi says disapprovingly. “Get a damn haircut or tie it up or something. It’s way too long to be practical. Even Mikasa’s hair is shorter.”

“Oh, right,” Eren says, lifting his wrist to his mouth and biting into something Levi can’t see until he pulls back, tugging an elastic band free with his teeth. He scrapes his hair back and feeds the gathered locks through the loop, over and over until it’s held back in a tight bun, a few free tendrils hanging loose around his face.

...Fuck.

“Better?” Eren asks. “I just tend to forget. I don’t really want to cut it, though. I kind of like it long.”

Yeah. Levi does too, apparently. Especially when it’s up like that, which is… Interesting. Levi’s never really had an opinion on hair before, other than preferring the cool relief of his own undercut and the vague approval of Isabel’s new hairstyle once she’d lopped her pigtails off. Otherwise, Levi couldn’t really give a shit.

But Eren looks _good_ with his hair like that. His cheekbones look sharper, his jawline more angular, and with the wild hair pulled back away from his face, his eyes seem brighter.

Levi swallows hard, confused beyond all reason as to why the back of his neck is suddenly prickling and his stomach feels weirdly hollow and warm all at once. Eren, thankfully, is oblivious to Levi’s bewilderment, and is already filling a couple of canisters from the tanks lining the opposite wall.

“How many?” He asks absently. “Planning to be out long?”

Levi mentally shakes himself. “As long as we can get away with. Do six each. That should be plenty.” Erwin can give him shit for wasting supplies later. He can take it out of Levi’s wages if he’s so bothered. Levi doesn’t care, not while Eren’s literally radiating excitement.

“Got it,” Eren says, capping the first canister. “Food?”

“I packed Lark’s saddlebags last night. Some bread, cheese and fruit, and I brewed a thermos of tea this morning.”

“Oh, which one?”

“Apple oolong, since you liked the orange so much.”

“Sounds good,” Eren says, smiling. “Okay, I’ll be done in a sec.”

It feels a little bit like escaping, leaving the supply shed to go and wait with the horses, but Levi needs a moment to fortify himself. He always underestimates the effect Eren has on his… Everything. Moreso now than he ever did before Levi came to his own realisation, but it’s like in the time he spends out of Eren’s company, he forgets just how deep his own fondness for the brat goes, he forgets that Eren’s smile and laughter reach painfully beneath his ribs, forgets that Eren has probably seen more of Levi than he’s permitted anyone other than Isabel and Farlan to see and still likes- _loves_ him anyway. And every time Levi sees him, it hits him even harder than it had the time before.

They absolutely cannot go on like this. Something is going to have to give and Levi doesn’t know which of them will bend first. By all accounts, it shouldn’t be him. He’s got more experience than most pushing everything down, protecting himself, shielding himself, and out of the two of them Eren’s always been the more volatile, the more outspoken. But he’s got more practice holding his feelings close to his chest than Levi has and he seems perfectly capable of existing in Levi’s presence without appearing like he’s about to vibrate out of his skin with the force of the feelings inside him.

So what the fuck is _Levi’s_ problem?

Obvious answer, really. It’s a hundred and eighty-odd centimeters tall, with brown hair and ridiculously bright eyes, and a smile warmer than a freshly brewed pot of tea. It’s the source of all Levi’s distress and his comfort, and he’s absolutely one hundred percent clueless about how to handle it.

“Ready?” Eren asks, hitching the canisters to the horses’ saddles before mounting Horse smoothly.

“Ready,” Levi nods, hitching himself up into Lark’s saddle.

Eren grins at him. “Race you?”

“You just try and keep up, brat.”

* * *

Levi wins the race, though only barely. Horse is young and spry but Lark’s endurance is her best quality, which means she can keep a steady pace for longer and gives Levi the edge over the fresh, excitable gelding which nets him victory by the skin of his teeth. They’ve not gone far, barely ten kilometers out from HQ, but they’re far enough away that they won’t be interrupted by actual patrols, and they have a dense cover of forest to manoeuvre through.

Leaving the horses to graze, they dismount and head a little further into the woodlands. It’s quiet, peaceful in a way Levi’s never really been able to appreciate, not in all the time he’s been above ground. He’s always been surrounded by either cadets or scouts, even his early morning starts had been interrupted by Farlan or Isabel or both. But here with Eren he feels like he can breathe freely, and the canopy of trees is dense enough that sunlight only filters through sparsely, so he won’t have to endure bright light triggering a headache.

Eren’s excitement has only increased since they left the castle grounds. He’s practically vibrating with it, gear clattering comically when he moves. And Levi should be the dutiful Captain, should run through the basics with Eren, check his gear over and do his due diligence as CO before he lets Eren zip off into the forest.

But he’d checked Eren’s gear himself last night, oiled it, cleaned it, prepped the triggers. Just so the moment they got here he could unleash Eren as soon as possible. Which is exactly what he does now.

“Go wild,” Levi tells him. “I’ll be right behind you.”

Eren’s face lights up with a kind of joy that hits Levi like a punch to the gut. He raises his triggers, firing his anchors without hesitation and ripping off the ground into the trees with an echoing cry of exhilaration. For a moment, all Levi can do is stare, but then the world catches up to him and he’s speeding off after the force of nature that is Eren, untethered.

And… Yeah. Levi isn’t disappointed. He hadn’t really known what to expect, had left before Eren’s training had completed, while he was still young and uncoordinated and could only rely on his instincts half the time. He’d been good, but most of his skill had lain in as of yet untapped potential that Levi had known he wouldn’t get to see until Eren came of age to join the scouts.

He keeps a little way back, jetting along more sedately than is his preference, just so he can watch Eren move. It’s been too long since the kid’s been able to fly free and Levi can tell, sees it in the way Eren’s too excited to overthink. Every movement is instinctive, intuitive, anchors firing and releasing in a rapid-fire rhythm that carries him through the trees at incredible speed. His entire body coils and releases with each spool and rewind of his wires, gas jetting in short, controlled bursts, and at the height of a particularly impressive jump that carries Eren almost through the treetop canopy, he comes spiralling back down towards the ground with a whooping cry that makes a nice, throbbing home for itself deep inside Levi’s chest.

Yeah. He’s a natural. Levi never doubted him for a second.

Eren keeps moving through the trees until his first set of canisters runs dry. Far sooner than he’d like, but he’s moving so fast, so freely, that the reserves can’t keep up with him. It makes no difference out here where there aren’t any titans to escape, and Levi’s more than happy to offer up his own spares should Eren run out before he’s ready, but the first hour of exhilarating leaps and freefalls seems to have cooled the worst of Eren’s restlessness, and he slows considerably so Levi can join him for a brief moment on a branch about forty feet from the ground.

“Doing okay?” Levi asks, though the evidence more than speaks for itself. Eren’s eyes are bright, cheeks red from the whip of the wind, and he’s breathless but beaming so wide Levi has to squint a little under the brightness of it.

“Better than,” Eren says. “Thank you. Thank you _so much_. You have no idea how badly I needed this. I’ve been going insane, cooped up, restless and I didn’t know how badly I needed to get out, just to fly.”

“I know,” Levi says, swallowing hard. “I know. You’ve… Gotten better. Since I last saw you fly.” That doesn’t even cover it. Eren’s exemplary now, potential unleashed, honed into something that’s still raw, but beautiful all the same. He’ll never fly like the scout veterans do; all point and no freedom, methodical, purposeful. He flies the way he lives, with his whole heart and nothing less.

“It got easier,” Eren admits. “After you showed me.”

“Nah, you just needed a hand getting over yourself. Glad to see you finally stopped overthinking it. You look far less constipated now.”

Eren huffs, rolling his eyes. “And that’s your bizarre and roundabout way of telling me you’re proud of me?”

Oh, what the hell. A little sincerity never hurt anyone. “Yeah. It is.”

Eren’s already flushed cheeks flare an even deeper red. “Thanks,” he mumbles. Then he’s off before Levi can tease him further, spinning through the trees with a bellow of delighted laughter.

This time, Levi follows, as fast as his wires will carry him, and he carves through the air a few meters below Eren’s spinning body. Eren notices, flashes him a wide smile, and with an ease Levi probably should have expected, the two of them spin through branch and bough in a perfect dance, leaving fluttering leaves and thin wisping trails of gas in their wake.

They burn through four canisters each before noon, when Levi guides them both back down to solid ground for something to eat. Horse and Lark are happily grazing away while Levi unloads the bundle of food from Lark’s saddle, and Eren unhitches his scabbards so he can flop down onto the grass with a happy sigh.

“Don’t eat lying down,” Levi warns. “You’ll choke to death.”

Eren waved a dismissive hand, the little shit, so Levi unwraps the cloth covering from around their food and slaps him with it. Eren laughs, rolling to the side, and he’s going to have grass stains all over the back of his jacket, the idiot, but honestly? Levi doesn’t particularly care. Eren looks lighter than he has in days, weeks, and Levi can’t begrudge him anything right now.

They eat in companionable silence that Levi appreciates almost more than he does the ease of their conversation. He doesn’t have to fill every moment of his time with Eren with inane chatter, no matter how much Eren may like to talk he never tends to overload the quiet with ceaseless chattering and Levi’s grateful. He doesn’t mind talking to Eren, likes to listen when the kid gets going, but the quiet is better almost, more comfortable, and lets Levi just exist without pressure or demand.

It’s stupid. It’s all so fucking stupid. Eren’s just one person, he shouldn’t have the ability to inspire so many conflicting feelings inside Levi. Comfort, unease, amusement, fond irritation. Fond irritation! In Levi, who’s been known to stab someone just because they dared to breathe too loudly in his vicinity.

It’s fucking ridiculous.

And Eren has no idea. Not a single fucking clue because as much as Levi might feel all kinds of twisted up on the inside, none of it ever shows on his face. Why Eren would ever be interested in someone so… Levi, is beyond him. Probably always will be, unless Levi can buck the fuck up and ask him himself.

Maybe he should. Fuck knows one of them needs to say _something_. But Levi absolutely will not let it be him. He’s not the kind of person to admit this sort of shit out loud. He’s not the kind of person who loves easily or well. Eren is, so it will need to be him. It has to be. Levi won’t be able to do it.

“Okay, I’m done, I’m going,” Eren says all of a sudden, jumping to his feet. Levi grunts and yanks him back down again by the back of his harness.

“Give it a fucking minute. If you go haring off, you’ll throw up everything you just ate. Here.” He shoves the thermos into Eren’s hands. “Don’t be an idiot just because you’re overexcited.”

Eren rolls his eyes, nudges Levi’s shoulder playfully with his own.

And Levi… Aches.

* * *

The ride back isn’t as awful as Levi had been expecting. He’d thought as soon as the castle came into view that Eren’s buoyant mood would plummet, but he’s in such high spirits even the return to reality can’t touch him. He’s been smiling practically nonstop for the entire day and Levi knows that every second of the lecture Erwin gives him for flouting his responsibilities will be worth it, because he got to make Eren smile like that.

And the afternoon seems to have eased most if not all of the tension that’s been hanging around Eren for weeks now. To say nothing of what it’s done for Levi’s own mood. Getting away, if only for a few hours, has done the both of them a world of good. Levi’s absolutely going to make it a habit, no matter what Erwin says. The kid deserves it, deserves more than to spend every day shitting a titan out of himself and running himself into the fucking ground because he thinks it’s the only way he can prove his worth.

Yeah, Levi’s clocked that already. He knows exactly how Eren’s mind works. And he’s not going to stand for it. The kid’s done more than enough, he’s a scout, not a burden, and Levi will hamstring anyone who implies otherwise.

They board Lark and Horse, brush them down and clean the dirt from their coats, settling them in for the evening. Levi tells Eren to go on ahead, he’ll be out here with Lark for a little while longer before he has to return to reality and face other people, completely unwilling to lose the good mood the day has given him for once, but Eren doesn’t immediately leave, hangs around Lark’s stall door like he has something he wants to say but can’t quite get it out. Levi lets him hover, combs Lark’s coat while he waits, and Eren sighs so heavily that Lark’s ears prick forward curiously.

“Levi?” He says, hanging awkwardly off the door. Levi glances over, frowning at the sudden change in the expression on his face. He looks troubled, strangely so, brow pinched, biting down on his lip so hard Levi’s concerned he may draw blood. Part of him wants to reach out and tug the lip free from the grip of Eren’s teeth himself and _that’s_ a wholly new experience on its own.

“What’s wrong, kid?”

“Nothing!” He brightens for a moment as though to prove that nothing is actually wrong, but his pinched expression says otherwise. “I just… I have something for you.”

Oh? Levi inclines his head, curious in spite of himself. “That so?”

“Y… Yeah.”

“You don’t sound so sure about that.”

Eren snorts. “I’m not. But I…” He seems to make some sort of decision, draws back the bolt on the gate to slip inside the stall, and though Levi’s confused, he still steps back to give Eren room. Lark whickers unhappily about being crowded but she softens when Eren gives her neck a gentle if absent pat.

Traitor.

“Here,” Eren says, producing something out from behind his back. Levi takes it automatically, looks down to find two thick pieces of A4 card pressed together, fastened with twine. Levi glances up at Eren whose cheeks are red as all hell, which is fast becoming Levi’s favourite look on him.

“For you,” Eren mumbles, cheeks burning so hot that Levi can almost feel it from here. “I… Just… I wanted to do it, you don’t have to like it, but I needed to try. And… Yeah. A-And it’s fine if it’s wrong or you hate it, I can try again, but… Yeah.”

He’s self-conscious. Nervous. Which means whatever’s tucked safely between the card is something that Eren’s made himself. Levi burns with curiosity about it, is already unfastening the twine before Eren’s finished stuttering his words out, and he looks dangerously close to passing out as Levi’s fingers work the binding loose.

“Where did you have this stashed?”

“Snuck it into Horse’s pack while you weren’t looking.”

No small feat, where Levi’s concerned. He’s not exactly unobservant. “Sneaky.” Eren’s answering smile is strained.

Carefully, with more care than he was sure he possessed, Levi parts the cards and looks inside. It’s a piece of paper, torn delicately from Eren’s journal, if Levi’s suspicions are correct. Which means the kid’s drawn him something.

Cute.

He tilts the card, turns the paper over, a teasing remark already forming on his lips.

And then he sees a face he hasn’t seen in almost fifteen years.

All the breath in Levi’s lungs whooshes out of him in one painful breath, like he’s been punched full force in the stomach. It’s fucking— The kid’s talented, Levi hadn’t even known, but he can’t even really focus on that because the implications behind the picture currently sitting in his hands are... Unbearable.

Eren, from one vague fucking conversation where he listened to Levi’s stifled, half-remembered descriptions, has managed to piece together enough of a picture to recreate something Levi’s own memory had failed to do. Because Eren wanted Levi to have something concrete to remember, something to hold onto as his already dim memories faded even further. Because the kid _cares_.

It’s his _mom_. And somehow, without ever seeing her, Eren’s managed to etch her likeness faithfully into the page. It’s not perfect. Or is it? Levi doesn’t really remember well enough, but fucking hell the picture is familiar enough to be painful. It’s the eyes. It’s her fucking eyes, soft and warm and slightly sad, but it’s her, it’s Kuchel and Levi hasn’t seen her this clearly in _fifteen fucking years_.

Eren doesn’t say a word. He’s not even breathing. Hell, neither is Levi, and they’re both just two idiots and a horse, holding their breath while Levi tries to figure out just how the fuck he’s meant to feel about this.

It… It hurts. A kind of pain Levi isn’t used to, deep and aching and sharp all at once, buried deep in his chest like a blade. But… There’s fucking joy, too, so what the hell is that about? He’s holding a picture of his fucking dead mother, the only likeness he has of her, better than his own failing memories. But there’s also anger, because how _dare_ Eren do this? How dare he do something so disarmingly kind, so beautifully selfless, and do it without asking Levi for anything in return? Where the hell does he get off, doing shit like this? Levi never asked for this. And Eren doesn’t fucking care about that. He’s doing this because he’s just _so_ unbearably fucking sweet and Levi’s sick to fucking death of it.

What the fuck is he supposed to do now? How the hell was he ever meant to guard against this? He fought it with everything in him, pushed back and refused to bend and break, but in the face of Eren and his stupid open heart, Levi is so very fucking weak.

He doesn’t really have the strength to go on fighting.

He doesn’t really want to fight any more.

And Eren is still staring at him, cheeks still red, eyes bright with trepidation and hope, wide and guileless, like he can’t decide if he wants to run or wait for Levi’s reaction. The distress radiating off of him is too strong, too palpable, but so is the affection that Levi’s come to rely on, has grown so used to seeing that he can hardly stand it. It’s too much, he shouldn’t be the one Eren looks at like that. He doesn’t deserve it.

But _god_ , he wants to.

And so Levi does the only thing he can think of. Something so wildly stupid that he can’t even believe he’s doing it, but he has to do _something_ to defend against Eren’s boundless affection and keep some of his dignity intact. So he presses the cards back together, tucks the portrait safely away and sets it on the small shelf to his left, among Lark’s combs and brushes that Levi won’t let any of the other fucking scouts use because they’ll get them _dirty_. And once his hands are free of their precious cargo, they reach out for something infinitely more valuable, fingers curling tight into the front of Eren’s shirt and Levi yanks him forward with a sharp tug, finally giving in to the urge to draw Eren close after so long spent pushing him away.

Eren’s expecting a hug.

That’s not what he gets.

Maybe it’s instinct. Maybe it’s something else entirely. Levi doesn’t know. Doesn’t particularly care. But when his palm finds the smooth curve of Eren’s jaw, draws him in and their lips meet… Everything goes wonderfully, blessedly silent.

For a literal second.

Oh _god_ , what is he _doing?_

Eren’s stiff in his arms, limbs tense with shock, and his hands are resting limply against Levi’s chest like he hasn’t got the slightest clue what to do with them. It’s not a good kiss, not at all, neither of them have the slightest clue about what they’re doing and Eren’s shocked unresponsive so he’s not exactly cooperative. Levi makes to pull away, already planning how to fake his own death, but Eren’s fingers suddenly remember how to work, fist into Levi’s jacket, and Eren hauls him back in with a quiet gasp that sends the hairs on Levi’s arms standing on end, angles his head down and-

...Huh.

Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, that works.

Eren’s lips are soft, warm, and while it’s pleasant in a roundabout sort of way, Levi doesn’t really get what all the fuss is about. It’s easy enough to brush your lips against someone else’s, there’s really no need for all the fanfare everyone makes about it. He can take it or leave it really, but the best part is Eren’s proximity, the scent of his soap, earthy and familiar, and the not unpleasant scent of sunlight and sweat on his skin. Having him close makes something warm vibrate pleasantly in Levi’s rib cage, like he’s a cat about to start purring. He can learn to like this, if Eren will stay this close. He can learn to tolerate the fact that this is probably the most unhygienic swapping of germs in the world, but he can learn to deal with the...

...The…

The way Eren’s tongue flicks over Levi’s bottom lip, warm and soft and teasingly light. It sparks something that Levi cannot name, makes his lips part like it’s hardwired into his brain to do so. When he does with a breathless sound he cannot believe has come from his own lungs, Eren gives a low rumble of approval that does _something unspeakable_ to Levi’s insides, liquifying and boiling them, and then Eren’s tongue is in Levi’s mouth, licking gently over his own and all the breath in Levi’s lungs is stolen away, leaving him breathless, lightheaded, and dizzy.

So, this is why everyone makes such a big deal about it.

Okay. Fuck it. Count Levi in. He’s starting to understand. For all his uncertainty, kissing Eren maybe isn’t such a bad-

Eren’s hands have drifted up from Levi’s jaw, nails scraping lightly over the cropped hair of Levi’s undercut. Long fingers curl into the longer strands at the back of his head, palms warm against Levi’s neck, and something inside Levi _ignites_ at the touch. If he weren’t already breathless he’d be panting, but as it is he barely has enough control over his body to remember how to drag air into his lungs, only remembers that he needs to breathe when Eren draws a shaky breath into his own lungs in the brief seconds he allows their lips to part. He’s stealing Levi’s air, it feels like he's everywhere all at once, around Levi, inside him, warming the parts of him that have been cold for all of his life.

Levi’s back hits the far wall of the stall and that’s when he stops being kissed and starts kissing _back_. The shift is electric, sparks along his skin. It’s heady, addictive, it’s— Fucking wonderful. Eren is so very close, there isn’t a part of him that isn’t pressed against Levi in some way, warm and vibrant and eager in Levi’s slowly tightening grip. He kissed the same way he does everything else; with boundless enthusiasm and his whole heart and Levi is completely powerless against it.

And then Eren pulls away, for both their sakes, though he rests his forehead against Levi’s like he can’t handle any distance between them. Levi doesn’t particularly mind. Actually, he’s finding it very hard to care much about anything except keeping Eren this close to him. It’s terrifying, just how powerful that desire is. Levi’s nerves feel like they’re on fire. It’s not actually an unpleasant feeling.

Eren swallows hard, runs the tip of his tongue slowly over his top lip and Levi follows the movement with intense concentration. Eren’s lips are slightly swollen and Levi’s probably aren’t much better off, reddened and slick with… Eren’s saliva. And by all accounts that thought should be disgusting, but Levi’s body just _burns_. “Um.” A slightly breathless laugh.

That makes two of them. Two clueless, breathless idiots and a thoroughly pissed off horse.

What is Levi even meant to say? What’s the protocol for this? Is he meant to... He’s got no fucking clue. And neither does Eren, if the panicked glint creeping into his eyes is any indication.

Oh, hang on. That’s not good.

Eren makes a strangled sound, stumbling back so suddenly he nearly sends himself sprawling flat on his ass. Lark gives an affronted whinny of protest about that, but Eren’s paying her no mind, is staring at Levi with his hands clapped over his mouth like he can’t believe what he’s seeing.

Well, that’s even _less_ good. 

With a strangled cry, Eren vaults the stall door and before Levi can even open his fucking useless mouth, the kid’s gone, the only evidence that he had been there lying in the portrait on the shelf and the aching burn in Levi’s chest and lips.

Well. This? This is a fucking problem.

With no clue what to do next, Levi lets himself slither down the stall wall to the ground, ignoring Lark’s confused whicker, and loses his goddamn mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ..................oops.
> 
> (NEXT CHAPTER IS ALREADY WRITTEN I JUST NEED TO EDIT IT PLS DONT BE MAD)
> 
> The beautiful portrait of Kuchel was drawn by my wonderful beautiful talented friend [Grimm!](https://grimmnoir-art.tumblr.com) Please show her some love LOOK AT HOW FUCKING TALENTED SHE IS.


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, frantically spraying the slow burn tag with a fire extinguisher: IT WASN'T MEANT TO GET THIS BAD I P R O M I S E
> 
> ya'll i don't even have the words for how fuckin' much i appreciate you. your comments drive me WILD, you're all so fucking FUNNY. and sweet and encouraging and... This User Will Now Die For You. I'm hugging u all rn. Just so you know. Or if you aren't the hugging-type, I am nodding at you from a respectable distance.

Eren is many things. He is a soldier, a fighter, a proud member of the survey corps and he contains the power of a titan in his blood. He is strong, he is steadfast, and he is, above all, brave.

So why the _fuck_ is he currently barricaded in his own room and so close to tears it’s not even funny?

Now, Eren’s done some pretty stupid shit in his life. Like, monumentally stupid. Colossally stupid. The kind of shit that would make Connie look like a fucking genius in comparison. And he’s alright with that. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone does stupid shit every now and then! But Eren, fucking entire dumbass that he is, has never made a mistake quite this bad in his eighteen fucking years on this bitch of an earth.

_But what the fuck else was he meant to do?_

Because! And this is very important: Eren is not the one who initiated that kiss. Yeah he kind of… Took over a bit, but that’s because Levi had seemed like he had _no_ fucking clue what he was doing and Eren’s brain had melted out of his ears the moment he’d thought Levi had been going in for a hug. But he hadn’t been! He’d fucking _kissed_ Eren on the goddamn _mouth_ and Eren is pretty sure that’s not a thing they do, so he’s still not entirely sure what the fuck any of that was about. Levi’s not exactly a stellar example of how to correctly express gratitude, but he knows how to say a simple thank you. But no, he’d gone in and he’d…

Eren’s mouth is still tingling. That’s not even an exaggeration, he can still feel the warmth of Levi’s lips against his own and he doesn’t know what the hell to even think about that because it wasn’t something that was even supposed to be in _vicinity_ of the realm of possibility. Levi - _Levi_ \- had fucking… He’d… And then Eren had…

And then Eren had _run away._

Which would be fine if it were literally anyone else. Alright, if anyone else had tried to kiss him in the stables, Eren would have been out of there a hell of a lot quicker and he definitely wouldn’t have backed them up against a wall to kiss them harder and holy shit, Eren’s face cannot _get_ any redder and he’s going to die in here and he’ll have deserved it. He’ll have fucking deserved it because Levi kissed him and he ran away.

From Levi.

He ran- He fucking ran- He _ran-_

He ran because loving Levi was safe, all the while it was never able to go anywhere. While Eren was alone, while he kept his feelings safe, it was okay. But whatever that was meant to be, whatever the hell Levi meant by that, has effectively ruined all the work Eren’s put into keeping everything locked tight inside himself. And it had all come fucking spilling out the moment Levi touched his fucking face and the intent had sparked in his eyes and Eren had been so fucking lost, right from the start.

And then Eren had come sprinting through the castle, face on fire, the taste of Levi - _Levi_ \- still on his fucking tongue and he’d barricaded in his room and had probably been seen by every scout in the fucking castle and now he can never leave his room again. Forget reclaiming wall Maria, these four walls are wall Eren and no one is allowed inside ever again. He’s going to waste away in here because of his own stupidity and it’s his own fucking godamn fault.

Why the hell had Levi kissed him?! Was the fucking drawing that good?! Levi doesn’t kiss people! He doesn’t even hug! Eren’s never even seen the man shake someone’s goddamn hand! And yet he’d leaned in, something determined in his eyes and Eren’s higher brain function had failed him good and proper. And then he’d promptly fucked it all up, but honestly. What the hell was he meant to do?

 _Why?_ Why had he… Levi doesn’t do anything without cause. He’s not irrational, not hot-headed like Eren is. So there had to have been a reason beyond gratitude, right? Or is Eren being completely ridiculous about this? He genuinely doesn’t know what to think, what to feel, and his stomach is snarled so tightly he’s physically nauseous. If he hadn’t run, he’d probably know exactly what Levi kissed him for. If he hadn’t run… Levi might have kissed him again.

Eren is going to cry. He is literally going to cry and it’s his own fucking fault. Why the hell- Why the _hell-_

“Eren?”

...Mikasa. Of course.

He wants to yell at her to go away. He wants to push her away and make her leave him to his own misery and stupidity. He wants to open the goddamn door and let his sister in because he could really fucking use her help right about now.

Okay. Bit of a one-eighty there, but alright.

“I’m here,” Eren calls dully, wincing when his voice shakes a little on the way out.

“You sound awful,” Mikasa says, voice pitched low with concern. “I’m coming in.”

“You can’t, the door’s-” With a jerk and shudder, the door swings inwards and Mikasa strides in. “...Locked.”

“What happened?” Mikasa asks, sitting down delicately on the end of Eren’s bed. He grunts and curls up into a tighter ball, wrapped around his pillow like the most pathetic limpet. “Did something go wrong on patrol?”

Oh, right. “We weren’t on patrol.”

“Oh?”

Eren sighs, rolling over to face her. Her expression is pinched with concern, brow furrowed into a frown, and Eren kind of really wants a hug right now, but he’s feeling pathetic enough as it is, so fat chance he’ll ask for it. “Levi took me flying.”

Mikasa’s confusion only deepens. “I thought you’d have loved that.”

“I did! I did… It was really nice. But…” Now, Eren has to be _very_ careful with how he words this next part. It is absolutely crucial that Mikasa does not get the wrong impression here, because if she does, Levi is as good as dead. It’s just Eren’s luck that his sister is the only person in the world capable of causing grievous bodily injury and/or death to the guy he’s sweet on. “I… Um. S… Something happened afterwards. And I might’ve done something incredibly stupid.”

Mikasa’s eyes narrow dangerously. “Define “something”.”

Yeah, that’s exactly what Eren was afraid of. “He didn’t do anything, don’t look at me like that. Well, he did, but not in the way you’re thinking. I gave him a gift and he… Well, there was…” Eren’s entire face is on fire. “...Some form of…” He trails off, unable to hold her gaze. “Kissing.”

Mikasa’s nose wrinkles. “Gross. Also, wow. I didn’t think you’d ever manage to say anything.”

Eren grimaces. “I didn’t. He kissed me.”

That doesn’t seem to register properly in Mikasa’s head, if the bewildered twist to her expression is anything to go by. It makes Eren feel a _little_ better about the whole thing. If Mikasa’s confused, then there is absolutely no hope of Eren making sense of this situation. “But… He’s so… Well, _him_.”

Eren had thought much the same.

“You didn’t want him to kiss you?”

Startled, Eren sits up sharply. “Wh- No, of course I did. Hell, Mikasa, that’s featured pretty heavily in my fucking daydreams since I was fifteen.” Mikasa grimaces and Eren ignores that for both their sakes. He could really use her support right now and kicking her off the bed is no way to go about getting it. “But I wasn’t… Like, I have no idea _why_.”

“Well, I can’t exactly speak for him, but I’d’ve thought that was obvious?”

“What fucking part of any of this is obvious?”

Mikasa gives him a _look_. It’s her “you’re being an idiot and I am thrilled to be able to tell you exactly how” look. He’s seen it quite a few times over the years. He doesn’t much care for it. “You didn’t think that maybe Levi kissing you was an indication that he _might_ be interested?”

Eren blinks. “No? I was a bit preoccupied, to be honest.” Also that makes _no_ sense. Eren’s the one with fucking adoration burning him up from the inside out. Levi’s the level-headed, untouchable sculpture who’s greatest expression of emotion to date was… Literally earlier today. When Eren had given him the drawing of his mom. It had to have just been gratitude. It can’t have been anything else.

“Didn’t you ask him why?”

Right. Yes. Eren should probably mention. “I… Ran.”

“You ran.”

“Mmhmm.” He can’t quite meet her eyes. “Yup. Legged it. Left him standing in the stables and I ran all the way back here. So. Yeah. I just… Like, that was never meant to even be _possible_ , Mikasa. He isn’t- Like, there was never meant to be a chance that could happen. If it was, I’d’ve done something about this ages ago. But…” He shrugs somewhat helplessly. “I panicked. Didn’t know how to react.”

“You _ran.”_

“Yes,” Eren snaps testily. “And now I’m never going to be able to be in the same room as him. I spent _ages_ fucking agonising over what could go wrong if I said anything, and in the end I might not have been the one who did- The thing. But I still ruined everything by running away. ‘Kasa, I’ve never run away in my _life_.”

That’s not even an exaggeration. Many times in Eren’s life he stayed and fought when he should have run, lashed out when he should have backed down. And the one time in his life running wasn’t supposed to be an option, what had he done? That. And it wasn’t because he was scared. It was because he didn’t know how to handle the fact that Levi had wanted to kiss him. He still doesn’t. And all he wants to do is ask Levi _why_.

“You need to talk to him,” Mikasa says which is exactly what Eren knows but doesn’t want to hear. He would prefer literally any other suggestion. “Eren. I know you’re upset, but - and I want you to know that it pains me greatly to say this - how do you think this looks from the other side?”

“Other…?”

“Well, from Levi’s point of view, he kissed you and you ran. So… He’s probably not doing great. You know, the Levi who can show affection easily to all of… nobody.”

Oh.

Oh, _fuck_.

She’s right. Eren has to fix this. Holy hell does he need to fix this. If he wants to hold on to even the faintest sliver of hope that he can repair things between Levi and himself, he’s going to have to get the fuck over himself and go talk to the man.

They’re _soldiers_ , for fuck’s sake. They fight man-eating monsters for a living. Eren can literally manifest a monster’s body and pilot it from the inside. Sometimes. He should be able to talk to Levi about…

Eren lets out a heavy breath. That’s what needs to happen, isn’t it? Eren’s going to have to tell Levi the truth. And it might be a case of too little too late, but Eren has to fucking _try_ to fix what he’s broken.

“Do you know where he is?”

Mikasa shakes her head. “I only knew you were up here because Jean told me he saw you sprinting through the castle.”

Fucking fantastic. “Isabel and Farlan?”

“Farlan’s in Hanji’s… pit. Not sure about Isabel. I think she was out sparring with the Levi Squad.” In spite of everything, Eren still manages a small smile at that. Isabel will be so pleased the name has caught on. And if Eren manages to fix his monumental fuck up, he’s absolutely going to give Levi shit about it.

“Thanks. I mean it. For… Well, knocking some sense into me.”

“I really didn’t,” Mikasa says. She raises a hand. “I can if you want, though.”

“You know, I’m actually good right now? But if this goes wrong then, yes. You can absolutely smack the shit out of me.”

Mikasa smiles faintly. “I hope it doesn’t, then. Go and fix this, Eren. I mean it. You both…” She sighs, shaking her head. “There are a lot of people rooting for you both, you know. Separately, together, however you come. But I think I speak for at least four of us when I say that we really hope you two can stop dancing around each other because it’s driving us all insane.”

Eren really doesn’t want to think about the implications of that too much. “Point taken. I’ll be back and I’ll either be over the moon or ready to throw myself out of the window. Watch this space.” He scrambles to his feet, pausing halfway out the door. “And fix my fucking lock!”

He really needs to stop sprinting through the castle, if only because people tend to stare, but Eren has to find Levi and he has to do it quick. Before Levi can get too in his head about why Eren did what he did. He needs to explain himself, to let Levi know that he- That he _loves_ him, because it’s far past the point where Eren should have told him. He should have said something weeks ago, could have avoided all this, because now Eren might have caused irreparable harm, however unintentionally.

But there’s no point dwelling on that now. Not until he’s had the chance to explain himself. And Levi has every right not to listen, but damn it, Eren has to try.

He rockets down the halls, skidding to a stop outside the old library Hanji has commandeered for their own use. In less than a week they’d gotten it looking like something out of a horror novel, all scalpels and weird tubes full of… stuff. Even more terrifyingly, a lot of those tubes are full of _Eren’s_ stuff, like blood and saliva - which is absolutely as far as he will go no matter _how_ much Hanji begs - and that just adds to the terrifying vibe of the place, which is why they’ve taken to calling it the “Pit”. That, and Farlan has a workbench in the corner littered with scraps of metal and blades welded into various horrifying arrays of shapes, and even with his higher than usual constitution, Eren can’t really handle being in the room for more than a few minutes. Long enough for Hanji to draw blood, anyway.

He hammers on the door now, hopping anxiously from foot to foot, and he’s about to blurt out his question when the door opens, but it’s not the face he’s expecting, so the question ends up coming out as a high-pitched, strangled whine rather than coherent words.

“C-Commander!” Eren blurts, snapping into a salute. “S-Sorry, Sir, I was looking for Farlan.”

“He’s here,” Erwin says, one thick brow raising. “In a hurry, Eren?”

“Um, yes, Sir.”

“Then I hate to ask, but could you spare a moment of your time? I was hoping to speak with you earlier, but I was told you were... Otherwise engaged.”

Oh no. No, this is the last thing Eren needs right now. He’s operating against the clock just a little bit, and taking a fucking hour to chat with the world’s most eloquent man isn’t really how Eren is looking to spend his evening.

But what can he do? Refuse his Commander? Right, yeah, _that'll_ go over well. “Of… Of course, Sir.”

Erwin smiles gratefully. “Much appreciated. Walk with me?”

Fuck, fuck fuck.

Careful to keep his misery off his face, Eren falls into step beside the Commander. Eren’s not short by any stretch of the imagination, is actually very nearly the same height as the Commander, but walking beside him Eren has never felt smaller in his life, like a child about to be chided for something he shouldn’t have been doing. And Eren’s pretty damn sure he knows exactly where this conversation is going to go.

“You were on patrol with the Captain today, I believe?”

Yup. Eren could’ve bet fucking money on it. “Yes, Sir.”

“Mm. Did it not strike you as odd that the Captain only took yourself?”

“No, Sir.”

Erwin glances at him out of the corner of his eye. “Not at all?”

“No, Sir. Captain Levi isn’t fond of others.”

Erwin chuckles like Eren’s just told the funniest joke. “No, that’s certainly true, isn’t it? Yet he seems to have a certain soft spot for you.”

Warning bells are ringing a deafening clamour inside Eren's head. “We’ve known each other quite a while, Sir. Since I was a cadet.”

“Ah, of course you have. Forged quite the bond when you took on Lovoff’s men together, didn’t you?”

Eren’s steps falter, toe of his left boot scuffing against the floor in his surprise and nearly tripping him. “How- I wasn’t- I wasn’t aware you knew about that, Sir.” How the hell _does_ he know about that? Shadis doesn’t even know Eren was more than a victim in that fight. Levi had been so careful, had shouldered all the blame himself and never implicated Eren, at least not to his knowledge.

“The Captain gave quite the impassioned speech when we met,” Erwin says and Eren’s too shocked to dispute it, but that definitely doesn’t sound like Levi. Words like impassioned and speech don’t tend to go hand in hand with Levi as a person. “Told me you were under his protection. Imagine my surprise when the cadet he was so vocal about protecting turned out to possess such an extraordinary power.”

Eren swallows, unease prickling down his spine. “I… Is there a reason you’re bringing it up? _Sir_.”

“I’m just curious,” Erwin says. “I was the one who suggested putting you in Levi’s custody. He’s certainly the soldier most well equipped to deal with you the Military Police would like him to. But I was more interested in keeping them quiet, you understand. But I’m sure you can understand my concern. The Captain is overly fond of you. Should he need to deal with the problem the Military Police are under the impression you are able to cause, I don’t want to have any reason to doubt that he can fulfil his duty.” Erwin stops, turns to face Eren full on. “I don’t have any cause for concern, do I?”

Eren stares back at him evenly. “None, Sir. If you’re asking me if I believe the Captain can do what needs to be done, then I have to answer yes. He’s never given _me_ any cause to doubt him.” Eren’s gaze hardens. “I owe him my loyalty. Not just as his subordinate, but as his friend. And to the best of my ability I’ll never do anything to cause him to doubt himself. I trust that he’ll do what he needs to, if the time ever comes.”

“Heartening to hear,” Erwin says. "However, it's exactly the fact that he is your friend that is concerning me. He's made no secret of the fact he's unwilling to push you any farther in your training. What do you make of that?"

So _that's_ what this is about. Erwin’s trying to unnerve him, to edge around Levi to try and manipulate Eren into pushing himself harder in Hanji’s experiments. And maybe yesterday that would have worked. Eren would have taken offence to the idea that he was weak, that Levi thought he couldn't handle the training and was treating him like something fragile. But right now all Eren wants is to talk to Levi. Nothing else matters. And Erwin can absolutely shove his fucking "concern" right where the sun doesn't shine.

"As my Captain," Eren says, "Levi has my trust and my loyalty. If he thinks I need to be careful and not push myself, then I'll listen to his guidance." Eren smiles serenely. "If you disagree with him, Sir, I'd advise you speak to him about it. I'm just a subordinate after all."

Erwin's gaze hardens, but his mild smile doesn't falter an inch. "Well said. One more question, before I let you go. Our gas reserves were somewhat depleted when section commander Ness was taking inventory earlier. Would you happen to know anything about that?”

“No, Sir,” Eren says, inclining his head, eyes wide and guileless. “Not a thing.”

Erwin smiles back and Eren knows he doesn't believe a fucking word that's come out of Eren's mouth. “Thank you for your time, Eren. You may go.”

Eren salutes and hurries back down the corridor to Hanji’s Pit. Any other time, Eren would be terrified by the implications of Erwin's odd words that sounded like they meant something else, something far more sinister than his charmingly smiling face would suggest, but Eren does not give even the slightest of shits right now. Erwin has to know that Eren's allegiance lies with Levi, before even the survey corps itself. Erwin can try and goad Eren all he wants, it's not going to work. Eren isn't a fucking kid anymore. He knows better than to let himself be baited.

This time when he hammers on Hanji’s door, it’s Farlan who answers, a pair of welding goggles over his eyes and a blowtorch in his right hand.

“Oh, Eren!” He says, beaming. “How was "patrol"? You guys have fun?” His grin falters slightly, no doubt in response to whatever the fuck Eren's face is currently doing. "Hey, are you okay?"

“Uh, pass,” Eren says, eyeing the blowtorch warily. "Listen, I need a favour.”

“Yeah, anything," Farlan says at once. "Want to come in?”

“Really, really no. Can you tell me where Levi’s hiding place is? The one he always skulks off to when he’s in a mood?”

Slowly, Farlan pushes the goggles up onto his forehead. There are twin circular patches of clean skin around his eyes where the goggles had been sitting, and it’s only now that they’re out of the way that Eren can see just how dirty his face is. “Did something happen?”

“Yes,” Eren says. “I can’t get into it now, but I fucked up. Like, _real_ bad. And I need to talk to him, but no one else will know where he is. Please?”

Farlan sucks on his teeth, looking torn. “I don’t know if I should say. I want to help you, but Levi needs his privacy, you know how he is. I can’t just go around telling people where he likes to hide.”

Eren had suspected as much, but this is important, goddamn it. “I’m going to tell him.”

Farlan’s finger slips on the torch’s gauge and the flame sparks violently, causing Eren to cry out and leap back in surprise. Farlan swears viciously, shutting the valve off and tossing the blowtorch behind him. Something shatters inside the room and Eren winces, but Hanji doesn’t appear to throttle either of them just yet.

“Are you serious?” Farlan demands, lunging forward to grab Eren’s shoulders. “You’re not messing with me?”

“Wh- No! No, I’m going to tell him. And I know it’s probably a bad idea, and I know you think it’s _always_ been a bad idea, but I-”

Farlan shakes him so hard his teeth rattle in his skull. “ _Tell_ him.”

Wait, what? “...Wait, _what_?”

“Tell him,” Farlan says, eyes wide. “Fucking go and tell him, tell him _please_.”

The implications of Farlan's eagerness are, frankly, terrifying. “But you said-”

“Yes, and for future reference, I am an idiot, _never_ listen to me. You go right now and you _tell_ him. He’ll be in the oratory. He hides up in the rafters. No one ever goes in there so he loves it.”

The oratory. Of _course_ Levi would hide in there. Clean white marble, no one nearby to bother him, it’s perfect and Eren can’t believe he never thought to look there. “Thank you. You can stop shaking me now.”

“Oh.” Farlan releases him with a sheepish grin. “Sorry. What the hell are you still doing here? Go!”

Eren grins and dashes off with a wave. He gets even more odd looks as he rockets down the halls, even nearly careens into Armin who he yells an apology at over his shoulder but absolutely cannot stop for, not now. He doesn’t stop sprinting until he reaches the old, broken door of the oratory that is propped open just wide enough for someone small to slip through, if they were so inclined.

Eren exhales in a heavy breath before wriggling his way through the cracked opening as best he can, jagged splinters tugging at his shirt but thankfully not tearing. He staggers a little bit once he’s on the other side, hopping unsteadily in place as he tugs his leg through, and the sound of his boots on the stone floor echoes through the small room deafeningly loud.

It’s not a large chapel, but it’s definitely more opulent than the rest of the castle would suggest. The high, domed ceiling reaches up high enough that the fractured light bleeding through the cracked and aged stained glass windows cannot reach it, which would give someone just the right amount of shadowy cover if they wanted to remain unseen.

Eren creeps through the room towards the dais the pulpit stands on, and though he knows Levi will have heard his clumsy entrance, he can’t help but at least try to move as silently as possible, unwilling to spook Levi into escaping before he’s even had a chance to say his piece. He knows Levi’s seen him, can feel the hidden gaze prickling keenly over his skin, and if he’s not careful, this has the potential to go very, very badly.

Gingerly, Eren takes a seat on the dais, stretching his legs out in front of him. The room is too silent, too still, like the space itself is holding its breath. Eren lets out a long, slow breath into the quiet, leans back on his palms and tilts his head up towards the shadowy rafters.

“Sorry,” Eren says, no louder than if Levi were standing in front of him. His voice carries easily through the stone and marble room, so there’s no need to call out. “I, uh, really didn’t do so good earlier, did I?”

No answer. That’s fine. It’ll make this easier, somehow. Kind of ironic that Eren is making his confession in a fucking chapel of all places. He’s never set foot in a holy building in his life, never needed or wanted to, but it makes a strange sort of sense. And whatever deity this oratory was built in dedication to, Eren doesn’t know, but it seems almost fitting that Eren should be sitting here, offering his heart up to the one person he's always had faith in.

“I didn’t mean to run,” Eren says, grimacing. “I… Panicked? I guess? You caught me by surprise, I have to admit.” A sheepish laugh. “But I am sorry. I reacted so badly and I need you to know it wasn’t your fault. I just… I was really surprised, is all.”

More silence.

“Again, not your fault. I guess I just wasn’t expecting… You ever spend so long thinking about something? Imagining how it might happen even though you know it never will?” Eren sighs, letting his head fall back. “That, basically. Except it happened and I wasn’t prepared for it and the shock drove pretty much every rational thought out of my head, and you know I don’t have much of those to begin with.

“But…” Eren lifts his head. “Why'd you do it, though? That’s what I don’t get. Why I was so surprised, I think. You don’t do that kind of stuff. You know?” Eren huffs. “Of course you do, what am I talking about?” He laughs ruefully, shaking his head. “I’m procrastinating, can you tell?”

A rafter creaks above Eren’s head and he sucks in a sharp breath, holding it for a long moment, but only that silence remains. Damn it.

Okay, Eren can do this.

“I never really had a plan for how I wanted this to go,” Eren says. “‘Cause I never thought it would happen, you know? I used to think about it, but I always figured it was _really_ wishful thinking. Which sucks, because if I’d spent more time thinking about it, maybe I’d have a better idea of how to do this, but what can you do?” He shrugs. “Not much, I guess. But I will just say, I would prefer to say this to your face, rather than the general vicinity I think you might be in…

“Levi? Man, I really hope you’re in here. Be super fucking embarrassing if you’re not and I’m just baring my soul to an empty room.” Another hook, but Levi isn’t biting. Eren hadn’t really thought he would, but he’d still hoped he wouldn’t end up having to come clean to a silently judgmental room.

“This is so not how I wanted to do this,” he mutters, “but whatever. It’s my own fucking fault, I guess…”

Still nothing. Damn, Levi’s good at this. Well, nothing for it. Levi’s never really responded well to softness, so there’s no reason he should start now. If Eren can’t gently coax him down… Well. He could always try baiting him, but Eren would much rather do this softly if he has to do it at all.

“Hey, Levi?” That predictable, oppressive silence is his only answer. So be it. “...Remember how I said there was something I wanted to tell you when I saw you again? I’d really like to tell you now... If that’s okay?”

* * *

Go figure that Levi would be the one to ruin everything. After all that effort, all that fucking struggling, and for what? To destroy everything because of one moment of weakness? He should have fucking known better. He should have stayed away from the kid, should never have left the fucking underground in the first fucking place. Because he was _right_ and now everything is a fucking mess, all because Levi let himself fucking feel and now he regrets it more than he’s ever regretted anything in his life.

He doesn’t blame Eren, is the thing. He’d have done the exact same fucking thing. If Eren had moved first, no matter how much Levi may have wanted him to, he’d have turned tail and fucking run because he wouldn’t have wanted to turn the kid down and disappointed him. And yeah, maybe Eren got a bit carried away, he certainly didn’t have to kiss Levi _back_ , but Levi won’t hold that against him. They’re young, they’re going to make mistakes, Levi just wishes it hadn’t been a mistake that’s cost him his friendship with Eren.

Nothing to be done, though, really. He’ll get over it, eventually. They both will. Time heals all wounds and all that. Not that Levi’s being overdramatic at all. No, certainly not. Which is why he’s definitely not holed away in his private corner in the rooftops of the oratory, the one place no one will ever come, not even Farlan and Isabel who know he hides here when he needs to get away. Yeah, his quarters are private enough, but that’s the first place anyone would think to look for him. The oratory is safe, so here Levi will hide, until his chest stops fucking hurting and he can stomach being around people again.

It’s all so _fucking_ stupid. He literally ruined _everything_ , which is all he’s ever done. People like Levi are meant to be alone. The proof was there the entire time, but he’d gotten too hopeful and ignored that fact. And it’s all come crashing down around him in the aftermath. He’ll likely never be able to share a civil word with Eren again. The kid feels too deeply to be able to do that. Levi would be more than willing to try, but he’s sure as hell learned his fucking lesson about hoping for anything.

Farlan had been fucking wrong, and right now he’s public enemy number fucking one, in Levi’s books. Eren doesn’t fucking love Levi. He cares about him, yes, but if he ever even did love him, it was a passing, fleeting crush and Farlan never got the fucking message that it was past. Even Eren himself had said as much.

_I… Was just being a stupid kid. You know how overdramatic teenagers are._

Levi should have known better. It’s his own fucking fault.

And then someone tumbles through the oratory door, disturbing Levi’s morose brooding time - no one ever comes in here, why _now_? - with clumsy footsteps and grunting and Levi’s about to slip silently from the rafters and escape through the cracked top half of the north window before whoever it is can spot him, but then a familiar voice calls out and Levi’s entire body stiffens.

_Eren._

That fucking bastard Farlan must have tipped him off. The next time Levi sees him, he’s going to break his fucking nose. _Again._ It’s been a good six or so years since the last time, Levi’s long overdue for some payback.

Eren’s still talking, though, and in spite of himself, Levi listens. He listens because this is probably the last time they’re ever going to be able to have a civil conversation, which makes no sense because Eren shouldn’t have come looking for him, has no reason to, and Levi can’t fathom for the life of him why Eren would be _apologising_ , of all things. He’s done nothing wrong, it was Levi who-

“Why’d you do it, though?”

 _Fuck if I know_ , Levi thinks miserably. _Because you were kind and I wanted to let myself fucking love you, to see if I could. Because you were kind. Because I’m an idiot. Because you drew my mom. Because I tried so hard not to love you but I fucking failed at that anyway._

Eren laughs softly, self-deprecatingly, and Levi chances a shift across the rafters to try and see him better. The aged wood creaks underneath him and Eren glances up, but Levi’s hidden by shadow and cannot be seen. Eren sighs, disappointed.

“Levi? Man, I really hope you’re in here. Be super fucking embarrassing if you’re not and I’m just baring my soul to an empty room.”

Why the fuck is he even here? Is he trying to make Levi feel better? Idiot. Nothing short of a fucking killing blow to the back of Levi’s head is going to make him feel any better right now. It’s brave of Eren to try and repair what Levi’s broken, when Levi doesn’t have the stomach to do it himself. If Eren says that he’d like to forget all about this and move on, Levi’s going to go literally insane. Because yes, he wants that, but god knows he can’t have it. Levi’s not meant to have shit like-

Eren groans loudly, covering his face with his hands. “This is so not how I wanted to do this,” he mutters, dragging his hands down his face, tugging at the skin below his eyes. “But whatever. It’s my own fucking fault, I guess…” He sighs, wraps his arms around his knees, tugging them tight to his chest. The light from the stained glass is throwing dappled light across his face, in every colour imaginable. The setting sun lights up the ancient chapel and in the centre of it, Eren sits, like something divine. How fucking poetic.

“Hey, Levi?”

Here it comes. Levi hopes - in spite of fucking everything - that it doesn’t hurt as much as he thinks it will. It will, though, of course it will. And Levi will take it, will endure as he always fucking does. He’s resilient, always has been, so this will sting but he’ll get over it. He will.

“Remember how I said there was something I wanted to tell you when I saw you again? I’d really like to tell you now... If that’s okay?”

Levi nearly slips off the beam underneath him. That… Can’t be right. Eren said he didn’t- He said he was just a… No. There’s no way Eren can be _that_ cruel. _Hey, Levi? Yeah, I used to love you but that was before I found out how you are as a person and I changed my mind._ That’s not who Eren _is_. So what the _fuck_ is he _doing_?

“I really want to say this to your face. Please come down? I know you probably don’t want to look at me right now, but I really want to see you when I…” He sighs, soft and sad, and Levi is absolutely riddled with guilt about it. He wants nothing more than to drop down from the rafters, but he _can’t_. No matter how hard he tries, he just can’t force himself to move. Below him, Eren waits, and waits, and Levi can’t do anything but watch, waiting in turn for the moment that Eren gives up and leaves Levi to his fucking misery. But Eren doesn’t move. Sits there like he has nowhere else he’d rather be, expression remarkably serene given the circumstances.

Which… Means he’s probably not going to say what Levi thinks he’s going to say. Which tracks, honestly. Levi knows him, yeah, but Eren still manages to surprise him, even after all this time. Levi can only predict what the brat’s going to do about seventy percent of the time, which is a much higher margin of failure than Levi’s happy with. But there’s not much he can do about it while he’s crouched in the rafters like a fucking gargoyle.

“Fine,” Eren says, irritation flashing briefly across his face. “This is my fault, I need to fix it, right? So fine, I don’t get to say this to your face, but I also shouldn’t have fucking run out on you, should I?”

Well, no. But that was Levi’s fault, not Eren’s. He shouldn’t have fucking done that. He’d thought he knew how Eren felt, but of course Eren was never the one to tell Levi how he felt, so is it any wonder that Levi was operating under a misapprehension? Honestly, Farlan better watch out, is all Levi’s fucking saying.

“I can picture you, you know,” Eren says, voice dipping back from irritation into fondness. “I bet you’re all hunched over, face like thunder, and you think you know what I’m going to say, but you don’t. Because you might be smart, but you’re also kind of stupid.”

...Well, Levi can’t exactly argue, can he?

“This whole time… I was so worried that you knew. That you’d look at me and it would be so obvious that you’d catch on in a second. And it _was_ obvious to literally everyone else. Except you. I wonder why that is?”

What the fuck is he talking about? Honestly, he needs to tell Levi what’s up and he needs to tell him quick because Levi’s legs are starting to hurt, his chest fucking hurts, and he honestly just wants to be alone.

“Levi… _Please_ come down.”

Fucking- Fine! Fine, if it will get this over with quicker, fucking _fine_. Anything to get this fucking done with so Levi can lick his wounds in fucking peace, honestly. He slips round, grabbing the beam and lowering himself down by his hands until he’s hanging below it, a short way above Eren’s head. He lets go, bending his legs and rolling neatly to absorb the shock of the impact, and comes to a tidy stop, a handful of meters away from where Eren is sitting curled up on the dais.

Eren startles when Levi lands, eyes blowing wide like he hadn’t been expecting Levi to literally drop in on him, but his face lights up like the fucking sun, glowing under that iridescent light from the windows, and Levi’s chest siezes painfully at the sight of it.

“Hi,” Eren says softly, that sweet smile curving his lips up.

Levi swallows hard. “...Hi.” What the fuck else can Levi say? Nothing. He literally cannot think of a single fucking thing. And Eren, though he’s trying desperately not to, looks ever so slightly hopeful and Levi… Doesn’t know what to think about that. He’s yet to be able to find the words to even fucking _begin_ to attempt to communicate exactly what’s going on inside him right now.

“You look worried,” Eren says. “Is that my fault? I _am_ sorry.”

“Why?” It comes out sharp, harsh, and Eren winces slightly because of it.

“Because I shouldn’t have run,” he says. “That wasn’t fair to you. I just… Didn’t really know how to handle it, you know? You think about something you want, and then when it happens, it kind of disarms you. Wasn’t prepared. Didn’t think I’d ever have to be, honestly.”

_You think about something you want._

“Eren,” Levi begins and he sounds _so_ tired, even to his own ears. “Can you just… Look, I get it. I shouldn’t have… Done that. And it’s okay that you don’t- You don’t need to try to make me feel better.”

“Oh, I’m not,” Eren says, lips curving into something - bewilderingly - playful. “I’m not trying to make you feel better. I’m trying to tell you that I love you.”

Everything inside Levi comes to an abrupt, screeching halt. No thoughts. Not a fucking one. And Eren looks like he fucking knows it, is infuriatingly pleased about that fact, like he’s played a hand Levi has no hope of beating.

“So, y’know,” Eren says, shrugging. “Just so we’re clear. I wanted you to kiss me. Like a lot. Repeatedly. Would definitely not complain if you wanted to do it again. Preferably without the horse and with the knowledge that I love you this time. Because I do. Have for… Oh, _years_ now. And I was totally okay with keeping it to myself. Mostly. Because I knew that there was less than zero chance you’d feel the same. So I made my peace with it - again, mostly - and then you did _that_ and it meant that maybe I wasn’t alone in what I felt, and can you blame me for being a little freaked out? Honestly, I-”

“Eren,” Levi wheezes. “Stop _talking.”_

Eren’s mouth snaps mercifully closed with an audible click and Levi… Levi is so fucking stupid. As always, Eren is brave and Levi is stupid, and now things are just as uneven as they were before because Levi knows Eren loves him and Eren still doesn’t know that Levi feels the same. But Levi can barely even think the words without panicking so how the hell is he meant to say them out loud? This whole time Levi was the one who held all the cards and Eren had no fucking clue. Levi could have done this differently, could have stopped Eren from ever hurting, from running from him because he was overwhelmed and so shocked he didn’t know how to handle it. He could have done it all so differently, if he hadn’t been a fucking coward.

Even now his body is tense with the barely-suppressed urge to run. He doesn’t know how to make it go away, isn’t even sure if he can, but he has to do something to try and combat the instinctive desire, so he sits down, just sits. Crossing his legs neatly and sitting down in front of Eren like his body isn’t vibrating painfully with the urge to _move_.

Eren watches him without fear and that… helps. It helps to know that, even if Levi proves to be incapable of offering something acceptable in return to Eren’s confession, he knows Levi well enough to know that Levi would never intentionally hurt him. Whatever comes next, Eren won’t judge him harshly. Problem is, Levi doesn’t really know what he _wants_ to happen. The words, no matter how fucking desperately Levi wants to say them, just will not come.

“Is it safe to-”

“Shut up.”

“‘Kay.”

“You-” Levi covers his face with his hands. He doesn’t even know what he’s trying to say. _I love you, too_ is just impossible, but something is definitely trying to force its way out of him, spreading up through his chest and he has no choice but to let it out because if he doesn’t he’s going to fucking _die_ , even though he has no idea what it is, what he’s going to say, but he has to do _something_ -

A noise rips out of Levi. Not quite a wheeze, not quite a gasp; a hitching, rasping sound that shudders out of his mouth in unfamiliar, unpracticed bursts. He’s… He’s laughing. His body doesn’t fucking know what it’s doing and Levi’s brain doesn’t either, but still he laughs, incredulous, overwhelmed, desperate laughter, because Eren is _brave_ and Levi is stupid and Levi is so in love it’s not even funny but he’s _still laughing_.

And Eren’s staring at him, jaw dropped, eyes wide, like he’s half afraid Levi’s lost his damn mind and maybe he has! It sure as hell fucking feels like it, but Levi just can’t get ahold of himself enough to reassure the brat. His chest aches and his eyes are watering and it’s all just so fucking funny.

“You ran,” Levi chokes out. “I agonised over this for _weeks_ and then you drew my fucking dead _mother_ and when I- You fucking _ran.”_

Eren’s lips twitch. “Alright, but-”

“You vaulted the _fucking_ door-”

“I was a bit-”

“Like a fucking blushing _maiden_ -”

“Okay, that’s a bit unfair-”

“And I just _sat_ on the _floor_. Like an _idiot._ And you still don’t _know_ -”

“Levi,” Eren says, despairing. “Would you _please_ just-”

Levi lunges for him. He’s careful this time, doesn’t go in for a kiss because Eren would probably throw himself through the stained glass window this time and Levi may not survive the hysterical laughing fit that would follow. No, he doesn’t kiss Eren this time. Not yet. Instead he just skids across the stone floor, knocks Eren’s arms away and tugs the shitty fucking brat against his chest in a hug tight enough to force the breath out of both of them. Eren flails for a moment, utterly disarmed, but his hands eventually come to rest against Levi’s back, limp for a just a moment, before they fist in the fabric of his jacket so tightly Levi half expects it to tear.

“Idiot,” Levi tells him, overwhelmed and terrified and hopelessly, _unbearably_ in love. Eren gives a muffled hiccup of laughter into his shoulder. “I...” The words won’t come and Levi can fucking taste them but he can’t force them out. No matter how badly he wants to. All he can say, all he can admit, is, “me, too. Me fucking too, Eren.” A shaky breath near his ear and the scent of verbena soft on Eren's warm skin. Levi will _never_ fucking forget it. "All this time... Me, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i AGONISED over whose pov i wanted to write this chapter from
> 
> and then i was like “wait I’m the fuckinf author i can do BOTH” fuck yeah gay rights


	45. Chapter 45

There are plenty of places to hide around the castle, if you know where to look. Eren doesn’t, Levi does, which is why Levi’s the one to suggest the northern parapet and why, as the sun begins its lazy descent, they’re tucked neatly side by side on the old battlement and there’s currently no place on earth Eren would rather be. For once he feels comfortable taking advantage, given the circumstances, and prodding the boundary of what is usually acceptable just a little further than he normally would. Not by much, not overwhelmingly, but he needs something to ground him right now, while he feels so light inside he could float off into the sky if he’s not careful, and judging by the rare, unguarded expression on Levi’s face, he’s not alone in that feeling.

“I give it forty-five minutes before Mikasa organises a search party,” Levi says, mouth twitching when Eren brushes his fingers lightly over his palm. This is the boundary Eren is pushing: Levi’s left hand caught gently between his own, fingers twining together as Eren traces fingertips over the creases in pale skin. Levi doesn’t seem to mind. Actually, he looks calm, almost docile, if Eren had to describe the gentle peace that’s taken over from his customary stoic expression, like he could happily doze off at any moment. Then Eren brushes his fingers too lightly over sensitive skin and Levi twitches like he wants to laugh.

This cannot be real.

“She knows better,” Eren says, tracing Levi’s lifeline. Long. Reassuringly long, though Eren’s never been superstitious, but he’ll take whatever he can get. “Though I reckon we’ll be getting some probing questions later.” Mm, he’s pretty certain of it, actually. Definitely Mikasa and Farlan will ask. Whether they’ve decided to share their knowledge with Isabel and Armin, Eren doesn’t yet know, but he doesn’t particularly mind either way. It’s very difficult to care about anything else when Levi’s leg keeps knocking against his where they’re dangling over the stone outcropping of the parapet, and Levi looks more relaxed than… Well, ever.

“Can’t wait,” Levi murmurs, a wry twist to his lips. “Oh, god, they’re going to be insufferable, aren’t they?”

“Yup.” Eren grins and Levi rolls his eyes, amused in spite of himself. “My own fault, really. I think the pining got a bit too obvious towards the end, there. They were starting to get sick of me.”

“Of both of us, I should imagine.” Levi says and Eren tries not to fixate on the implication that Levi had been pining, too. It still doesn’t feel real, not quite yet, that Eren is not alone in how he feels. No doubt it will hit him later, once he’s alone and his mind has a chance to catch up with the day's events, and he knows there’s a high chance he’ll vibrate out of his own skin when that happens. But for now he’s calm, if a little giddy, and content to enjoy the sunset in Levi’s relaxed company.

“And this is… okay?” Eren has to ask, he has to. After everything he still wants the reassurance that this is alright, that he’s not asking for more than Levi is prepared to give.

Levi’s response is to lift the hand not currently being held tenderly between Eren’s own and to cuff him lightly round the back of the head. Eren laughs, knocks his leg against Levi’s, and delights in the brief flicker of a smile that twitches across Levi’s face.

“Idiot,” Levi tells him fondly. “I’ve got no fucking clue what I’m doing, but I reckon we could probably figure it out together.”

Is this what it’s going to be like? Eren hopes so. The two of them have always existed somewhat desperately from everyone else, kindred spirits in a way, with an unspoken sort of similarity in their natures that was probably mostly, if not entirely, the reason they became friends in the first place. But navigating this new dynamic between them doesn’t feel as fraught as Eren - in those rare moments he’d dared to let himself dream - had feared it would. Levi’s uncertain, yes, but that’s more to do with inexperience than anything else. And Eren can’t exactly speak for his own knowledge on the subject, but whatever comes next they can puzzle out together.

“So you’re okay with having a titan boyfriend?”

Levi mimes retching over the side of the parapet. “Fuck, don’t say that word near me.”

“Oh, you don’t like boyfriend?”

_”No.”_

“Mm… Sweetheart?”

“I will push you off this fucking roof, I swear to _god-“_

“Partner?”

Levi’s eyes narrow dubiously. “...Better,” he allows after a moment, and then the dubiousness melts away but his eyes remain narrowed in much the same way a happy cat’s do when it knows all is safe and calm. “Though I hope you know just how much shit I’m going to catch for this. Erwin’s going to have my head, so if there’s any chance you can learn how to manifest a titan more reliably, I’d appreciate you intervening before he can attempt it.”

Oh, that’s right, Eren had almost forgotten. He doesn’t really want to bring it up, but it’s best that Levi finds out now so he can be prepared for the inevitable dressing down Erwin is going to give him for absconding to the forests with Eren for the day. “He cornered me earlier, actually.” Levi doesn’t look surprised. Doesn’t look bothered in the slightest, actually, but that may be because Eren’s fingers are stroking light circles on the inside of his wrist. “Well, I say cornered, he was all smiles, asked if I could walk with him, but I didn’t really like what he was saying.”

Levi’s nose wrinkles. “I’d imagine not. He’s a brilliant Commander and a dedicated soldier, but he’s also a fucking bastard, so... What did he say?”

“Mmm…” Levi has very pretty veins. Is that weird to think? Delicate, pale blue, almost lavender where the skin is thinnest over the spider webbing patterns underneath.“...You know, I haven’t got a fucking clue. I was a bit preoccupied, honestly. Tried to get me to ‘fess up about the depleted gas reserves, though.”

Levi smirks. “And you lied through your fucking teeth about it.”

“Of course.”

“Good boy.”

…?!

...Well. That’s… interesting. Eren turns his head, coughs awkwardly into his shoulder and hopes the dim light from the sunset will hide the worst of the sudden blush now heating his cheeks. Probably not, Levi’s got scarily good eyesight in the dark, but at least Eren can rely on the fact that Levi’s never been particularly talkative, so the blush goes by unmentioned.

He really doesn’t have time to address that too intently at the moment anyway. Levi sighs and rolls the jacket and shirt sleeve up on his left arm, turning his hand palm up so Eren can continue his explorative ministrations over Levi’s skin. It’s intimate in a way neither of them are used to, and Levi doesn’t seem the slightest bit bothered by Eren’s interest, seems more than happy to endure the attention, as long as it’s coming from Eren and Eren alone.

And isn’t that something?

“I know he’s a good Commander,” Eren says by way of diversion from his red face, returning his attention to the warm skin on the inside of Levi’s elbow, grinning when he twitches with a soft snort. Oh, ticklish? Very good to know. “But I still don’t trust him.”

“You don’t need to,” Levi says. “Leave that to those of us who don’t have a choice. But once you’ve been out there…” He pulls a face. “I reckon you’ll probably understand his position better. Fuck knows I did, much as I hate to admit it.”

Yeah, Eren doesn’t doubt that his entire worldview is probably going to shatter the moment they ride out. And as much as they don’t have a concrete date yet, he knows through Armin and the others that Erwin is hoping to have them ride out by the end of next month, providing Eren’s titan can withstand the strain. It’s only a test - a trap - and Eren has been too busy to really focus much on that because the implications themselves are awful and Eren doesn’t want to think about what kind of risks he’ll be putting his comrades through, simply by existing near them.

“You…” Levi grimaces, the muscles in his arm tensing momentarily. “You know this… Needs to stay under wraps, right? Not because I… Not because I’m not happy to be yours, but because we’re breaking about fifteen different fraternisation regulations here. Erwin’s pissed enough as it is, I don’t want to give him any reason to take you away from me.”

Eren should be listening to this. He really should, it’s important and he knows it. But all that’s clanging around inside his empty fucking head are the words _happy to be yours_ and, honestly? There is no fucking hope for him.

“Oi,” Levi snaps, kicking him. “Stop smiling like a moron, I’m being serious.”

“Sorry! Right, got it.” Eren nods quickly. “No PDA, understood.”

“What the fuck is-“

“Public displays of affection.”

Levi’s face scrunches up unpleasantly. “...Disgusting. That’s not a fucking option, anyway. Even if Erwin wouldn’t throw a shit fit about it.”

Yeah, for some strange reason Eren had already been expecting that. Definitely not because Levi likes to pretend he’s deathly allergic to any and all kinds of affection. Definitely not that. Despite the fact that he’s now wriggling his arm impatiently because Eren had the nerve to stop tracing his fingertips over Levi’s skin.

Drawing a slow line from his elbow right down to the tip of Levi’s middle finger, Eren offers him a sly glance. “What about private ones?”

Levi considers this. “...Acceptable. Within reason.”

Eren’ll take that gladly and he knows without being told that he shouldn’t push any further for now. “So… What’s it like? Out there, I mean. I know you’ve… Only been past wall Rose, but…”

Levi shrugs. “I imagine it’s much the same as it is past Maria,” he says thoughtfully. “It still feels… Different. I guess because the land doesn’t belong to us anymore. It’s pure titan country now, so it’s overgrown, wild. But the air definitely feels different. I can’t really explain it. You’ll have to see for yourself.” He frowns. “I tried so hard to warn you off, you know?”

Eren winces. “I know.”

“You’re so thick-headed.”

“Yup, know that, too.”

Something suspiciously close to pride glints in Levi’s eyes. “Well, no one can fault your determination, at least. I suppose that’s part of your charm.”

Eren grins. “You think I’m charming?”

“Mh. Poor choice of words.”

“Hey, no take backs!”

“That was never a stipulation. I reserve the right to take back whatever soppy shit I might say by accident. Which is all your fault, by the way. You make stupid shit come out of my mouth.”

A skill Eren fucking cherishes, honestly. “But you’ll still have said it.”

“And taken it back.”

“Mm, doesn’t work like that.”

“It does because I say so.”

“Yes, Captain.” Eren barks a laugh when Levi huffs and pushes his face away with a palm. Even better, Levi doesn’t remove it, so Eren risks pressing a kiss right to the center of it and delights in the way Levi’s ears burn pink right at the tips. He doesn’t flush, not the way Eren does, all down his cheeks and neck, but there’s definitely some evidence to be found that he’s not as untouchable as he lets on.

Or maybe Eren’s just good at ducking under his guard.

“You’re the worst,” Levi mutters.

“Mm, you say that. But you like me.”

Levi throws him a withering glare. “Understatement.”

Yes, it is. And Eren still can’t quite believe it. Levi struggles, Eren knows he does, but he’d be an idiot to doubt that Levi cares for him. The words might not come easily, but they never do for Levi. He shows his feelings through actions instead, and Eren’s become rather fluent in Levi’s specific language as of late.

Which is why… “Can I kiss you?”

Levi’s ears _burn_. “Are you going to ask that every time?”

Eren’s cheeks literally cannot handle the width of his smile. “Pretty much, yeah.”

Levi grumbles something under his breath, which would be off-putting if he didn’t look so amused. “Fine.” He doesn’t move, though, so he’s determined to make Eren’s job a lot more difficult than it needs to be.

Which is fine, Eren’s game. If Levi wants to play, Eren’s more than happy to go along with it. He draws his leg up from over the parapet, tucks it underneath himself and shifts up slightly so he can lean over and place a delicate kiss right on the sharp curve of Levi’s cheekbone. Levi stares at him, hand coming up slowly to brush over the place Eren’s lips have just touched.

“...Is that it?”

Eren tilts his head, feigning innocent confusion. “Why, what were you expecting?”

Levi’s eyes narrow. “What have I told you about leaving jobs half finished, you brat?”

“Well, you say that, but I-“ Eren yelps a laugh as Levi tugs him forward by the collar of his shirt, is still laughing when Levi’s lips meet his, and there really is no better feeling in the world than having Levi’s secretly smiling mouth against his. He could live off it.

How is he allowed to have this? Less than a few hours ago it had seemed like the farthest flung dream, something he should never have even let himself want. But Levi’s here, sarcastic as always but relaxed and calm and - most of all - _receptive_. And though he likes to wrap himself in that careful, protective facade, this time when the walls go up, Eren’s permitted to stay inside them and they’re the only walls Eren will ever be happy to live inside, because the person that he finds within them isn’t much different from the Levi he’s always known, except that _this_ Levi can be surprisingly affectionate when he wants to be.

“Better,” Levi murmurs when they finally part. Then, voice pitched low with amusement, “you good?”

“Mm,” Eren hums, smiling too widely to speak.

* * *

Problem with emotionally volatile incidents is that they tend to leave you exhausted and hungry. Eren’s too happy to be tired, but he’s definitely fucking hungry, which means he and Levi have to leave their rooftop retreat before Eren’s stomach starts trying to digest itself. He doesn’t want to, but after the fourth time his stomach snarls angrily, Levi gives him a pointed glare and kicks him off the roof.

Figuratively. He really _must_ love him.

The halls are quiet, which is a mercy. Eren doesn’t know if he could stomach a crowd right now, and while he and Levi are never going to be the type to display affection publicly, the absence of any other scouts in the halls means Levi is walking slightly closer to Eren than he normally would, arms brushing with every other step or so. His proximity… It’s doing things to Eren. He’s always thrilled to have Levi close but it’s _different_ now and he’s… So fucking happy about it. Doesn’t know what to do with all of it. His body feels too small to contain it, like he needs to shift into his titan just for somewhere to store the entirety of what he’s feeling.

“Look alive,” Levi mutters as they enter the dining hall. “Enemies spotted.”

Enemies…? Oh. Yeah, that might be a problem. Actually, no, it’s definitely going to be a problem. Because Mikasa and Farlan, Isabel and Armin too, are gathered around their usual table in the corner, the last ones in the dining hall this late, chatting lazily over a half-finished game of cards. Judging by the bored look on Isabel’s face and the fact that she’s trying to make a house out of her cards, it’s been going on a while.

If Eren weren’t so hungry, he’d turn tail and run honestly, but he’s absolutely starving, hasn’t eaten since the early afternoon, so he doesn’t really have a choice but to face them. And that wouldn’t be so bad, he loves them all dearly after all, but when they enter the hall and Mikasa’s eyes hone in on him with that terrifying pinpoint accuracy and perception that’s always freaked the shit out of him, Eren knows he’s doomed. Especially when her gaze flickers to Levi and her eyes light up with understanding.

Fucking hell, she really does know him too well.

“Uh oh,” Eren mumbles. “Escape plan?”

“Not an option,” Levi mutters back. “We’ve already been seen.”

“Shit… Well, it was nice knowing you.”

“Likewise.”

It does feel a bit like he’s heading for his own execution, but Eren’s had enough of running away to last him a lifetime. At least he can postpone the inevitable for a few minutes while he and Levi grab themselves some still-warm leftovers from the dinnertime rations, but the entire time Eren can feel Mikasa’s eyes burning holes into his back. Though as much as she must be able to form a vague idea already about what transpired between him and Levi simply by looking at him, out of all of them she knows not to antagonise Levi about the things that matter.

Farlan, though? Yeah, he’s gonna be a problem. And it’ll either be hilarious… Or Levi will kill him.

Time to find out which one it’ll be.

“Well, hey!” Isabel says once they have their food and have made their reluctant way over to the table. “Was starting to wonder where you two were. Did ya have fun on “patrol”?”

“No, it was patrol,” Levi says, slipping into his seat. “Boring as shit.”

“Right, right,” Isabel says. “Except no one else is here, so you can be honest.”

“It was great,” Eren says. Levi grunts in agreement, tearing his loaf of bread in half and handing part of it to Eren. Oh, right, shit, Eren forgot to grab some. “Thanks.”

Farlan’s eyes narrow.

“Aww, I’m glad you had fun,” Isabel says happily. “Oh, and guess what? Jan’s coming next week! He’s going to be working with Mariska, isn’t that exciting?”

“Oh, that’s great!” Eren beams. “I’ve been wanting to meet him for ages!”

“Right? Finally Farlan will stop pouting.”

“You’d pout too if Petra got stationed somewhere else.”

“Never said I wouldn’t. Now fold, you piece of shit, I know you’re bluffing.”

“You were in a bit of a hurry earlier,” Armin says, turning in his seat to give Eren an odd look. “You alright now?”

Loaded question. “Much better,” Eren says. Mikasa’s eyes practically shine while Farlan’s narrow even further, brows pinching with suspicion. Let him suspect, Eren’s not going to make this easy for him. “I left something important in the stables.”

Levi kicks him. Rude.

“Oh, right.” Armin doesn’t look convinced but he, at least, knows when not to push. “Find it okay?”

“Oh, yes,” Eren says, grinning. Levi kicks him again. _Rude._

“Before I forget,” Isabel says, nudging Levi’s elbow with her own. “Erwin’s office tomorrow, first light.”

“Joy of joys,” Levi mutters. “He say why?”

“Not to us lowly officers, no. Hanji might know, but he didn’t deign to share such important information with the rest of us plebs.” Isabel tosses her cards down, punching Farlan hard in the arm as recompense for her loss. “But I’m going to hazard a guess and say…” She clasps her fingers together, extending both index fingers and pointing them at Eren. Levi’s eyes flick over to him, softening for a moment before he sighs heavily.

“Right, noted. This’ll be fun.”

“Why me?” Eren asks, bewildered. “What have I done?”

“I doubt it’s something you’ve done,” Armin says, gathering Farlan’s faithful deck into a neat pile now that Farlan’s won the game once more. “I’d imagine that he doesn’t think your training is progressing very well.”

“Makes sense,” Eren says, “since it isn’t.”

“It’s going as fast as it needs to,” Levi says with a scowl. “It’s not your fault the man hasn’t taken a day off in fuck knows how many years. We’ll get you to wall Maria eventually, I’d just prefer that we do it when we can be sure shifting isn’t going to kill you.”

“Kill him?” Mikasa asks, alarmed and Eren winces. Even Levi looks as though he wishes he hadn’t let slip that particular piece of information. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“‘Kasa, don’t start,” Eren says wearily. “It’s not as bad as it sounds. It’s no different to if I was running standard endurance drills. My body just isn’t used to the strain yet.”

“Strain,” Mikasa echoes tersely. “You didn’t think to mention any of this? You’ve been training for weeks now and you didn’t think to mention that this had the potential to _kill_ you?”

“Everything has the potential to kill me!” Eren snaps. “I could choke on a piece of bread tomorrow and that would be it! Shifting into a fucking titan was never going to be easy. But we take all the precautions we can. Don’t we?” He looks to Levi for back up.

“Of course we do,” Levi says, dipping his head into a nod. “Why do you think Erwin wants to give me shit tomorrow? Because I keep pushing back when he tells me I need to run Eren harder. It’s not happening, I’m not budging on this one. We’ll get to wall Maria as soon as we can, but we don’t have the luxury of going into this without proper preparation. Not like we can just… Get another titan-shifter.”

“Eren isn’t expendable,” Mikasa snaps.

“I literally just said that, didn’t I? Clean your fucking ears out, Ackerman.”

“Enough,” Eren insists impatiently. “The training is going to continue exactly as it is and Erwin can argue all he wants, there’s literally nothing he can do to change it. I’m going as fast as I can, do you think I want to die from titan-related exhaustion?”

It’s as much of a reassurance as they’re able to offer, but it’s Mikasa so of course it isn't going to be enough. Her expression darkens like she’s about to march herself to Erwin’s office and let him know exactly what she thinks of his wish to push Eren harder, but she knows better than to give into the urge. She needs to trust - which is difficult for her, Eren knows - that Levi has Eren’s wellbeing in mind. He can’t blame her, it’s been them against everyone else since Shiganshina, but they aren’t fighting alone anymore. It’s a hard habit to break, but they’ll get there.

“I suppose he’s always one step ahead,” Armin says by way of distraction from the awkward atmosphere around the table that always sparks whenever Levi and Mikasa go head to head. “Erwin, I mean. When you have to consider so many things at once, it must feel like the rest of the world can’t keep up with you.”

“It’s not just that,” Farlan says, nodding in Eren's direction. “He also really wants to know what’s in that basement.”

“Yeah, we all do,” Isabel says. “But we don’t want to kill Eren to do it.”

“Oh, thanks.”

“Anytime.”

“You’ve really not got any idea what might be down there?”

It’s a fair enough question, one that Eren himself has spent a good few restless nights turning over in his head when that memory of his father’s head being crushed between a titan’s teeth rears its ugly head and refuses to let him rest. Always the nightmare is stronger after Eren’s changed - either fully or in part - which he does pretty much daily now, so he can never really get away from it. It always begins and ends the same and Eren can’t really make any sense of it, other than that his father must have known something more about Eren’s ability, but never thought to fucking mention it.

So whatever is in the basement must have something to do with the power Eren’s got. Honestly, Eren hasn’t got a clue, but he’s kind of hoping it’ll be an instruction manual or something because he’s sick of the trial-and-error system they’ve got going on. He’d really like to go into this feeling at least a little bit like he knows what he’s doing.

“Sorry, no,” Eren says, shrugging. “Haven’t the slightest idea, honestly. Every possibility seems even more improbable the longer I think about it. Hanji’s hoping for some research notes or something, but I don’t know how my dad could have hidden something like that for so long. Especially not from my mom.”

“Guess we’ll just have to wait and see,” Isabel says. “I can see why Erwin’s getting impatient. But still, he has to know that running you ragged isn’t the way to get what he wants.”

“He’s single minded, we knew that already,” Levi says. “And it doesn’t matter how impatient he gets. He’s going against me and we all know how that’s going to work out.”

“Mm, violently, ideally,” Farlan says. “Been ages since I’ve seen you lay someone out.”

“The Commander’s about twice his height,” Mikasa says innocently and Isabel snorts, clapping a hand over her mouth. “Wouldn’t be much of a fight.”

“The bigger they are, the harder they fall,” Levi says, fixing Mikasa with a glare that would make a weaker person piss themselves. “Want to test out that theory?”

“Will you two give it a rest?” Eren barks, despairing. “It’s like wrangling toddlers, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Yeah, seriously,” Farlan snickers. “Levi, come on, you’ve got to make a better impression on the in-laws.”

“Farlan!” Eren hisses, face flushing. “Can you _not?”_

“He’s been waiting to make a joke like that since we sat down,” Levi says, unbothered. “At least that was pretty tame, by his standards. It could have been so much worse.”

“Am I missing something?” Isabel asks, looking between her brothers. “Did something happen?”

“Yeah, even I’m lost,” Armin says. “Care to clue us in?”

Well, they were going to get here eventually. Levi doesn’t look particularly upset about the direction the conversation is heading in, but that’s because he’s really good at keeping his expression neutral. He could be absolutely fuming inside, or treading the fine line between stable and a panic attack, and absolutely no one would be any the wiser. But… He _does_ look calm enough. Maybe he’s already made his peace with the fact that their friends know them too well not to notice that _something’s_ different.

Though Eren would have preferred a few more days - fuck it, months - of privacy before they had to come clean. Hard to do, though, when Eren himself feels like he’s about ten seconds away from exploding every time Levi glances in his direction. Which… Isn’t much different from usual, actually. It’s just that now Eren’s allowed to… Well, they haven’t really figured that out yet, but at least when Eren’s head explodes it’s not going to be because Levi has no idea how he feels.

Still, though… He looks to Levi who gazes back steadily, then inclines his head, and Eren’s eyes widen slightly, to which Levi offers just a slow blink. A brief, silent conversation, indecipherable to anyone else.

_Go ahead._

_Are you sure?_

_I’m sure._

He doesn’t mind telling them, is what Levi means, this small group of people he trusts more than anyone in the world, he just can’t be the one to do it. Which Eren understands, things like this will never come easily to Levi, but that doesn’t mean they come much easier to Eren. He’s not exactly got any more experience with this kind of shit than Levi does, he just doesn’t have two decades of repression to work though.

But… Well, it’s not like Eren doesn’t _want_ to tell them. Actually, he’d be quite happy to scream it from the ramparts, but he has the feeling that Levi wouldn’t appreciate that very much. That, and they’d get slapped with a disciplinary hard enough to make their heads spin. Eren is admittedly not very knowledgeable on what is and what isn’t permitted between officers, especially considering Petra and Isabel seem to be allowed to do their thing without any admonishment from the higher ups, but it’s likely different between subordinate and superior. Which is hilarious because Levi may be Eren’s Captain, but it’s not like Levi would ever discipline him. He’s never actually seen Levi discipline anyone.

“Eren?” Armin says. “Are you alright? You’ve been checked out for about a minute and a half.”

“Have I? Shit, sorry.” Eren laughs, embarrassed. “Sorry, sorry, I was… Uh, lost in thought.”

“You feeling okay?” Armin asks, frowning in concern. “That’s not like you.”

“Hey!”

“He does kind of have you there,” Isabel says, shrugging apologetically. “You are more of a “speak first” kind of person.”

“No, he does think before he speaks,” Mikasa offers in Eren’s defence. “He doesn’t think before he _acts_ , is the problem.”

“Ohh, yeah, you’re right.”

Charming. “Feeling a little attacked, guys, I have to say.”

“It’s okay,” Isabel says, reaching over the table to pat his hand. “When we say this, we say it with love.”

“That doesn’t make it better!”

“Alright, alright,” Farlan says, holding his hands up. “Can we get this over with so I can figure out who owes me money?” He looks to Eren expectantly. “Well?”

Eren is beset on all sides by absolute traitors. “If you already know, why do I have to say anything?”

“Because he likes to watch people suffer,” Levi says, leaning back in his chair. “And I’d imagine the terms of the bet probably stipulate that the information has to come from one of us, otherwise there’s no payout.”

“Right,” Farlan says, nodding.

Eren’s a little bit appalled about that. “So there _is_ a bet?”

“Of course there is, what did you expect?” Levi sniffs. “Opportunistic bastards, the lot of them.”

“Eren?” Farlan says, drawing the word out obnoxiously. “We’re waiting.”

Well, now Eren has no idea what to even say. All eyes are on him now and he’s incredibly self-conscious about it. Levi’s not any help, would probably prefer to be literally anywhere else and not having this conversation, but the sooner they get this over with, the sooner they can… Do anything else that isn’t this.

“I…” Eren says, screwing his face up. “...So I told…” Holy shit, this should _not_ be this hard. “We…”

“Well, this is spectacularly painful,” Levi says. “Hope you don’t mind if I tap out early.”

“I mind!” Isabel says before Eren can tell him to run for it while he has the chance to escape. “You can’t just cut and run. What the hell is going on with you two?”

Levi gives her a long, meaningful look. “Probably exactly what you’ve been hoping would go on for a good few weeks now.”

Isabel snorts. “Yeah, doubt it.”

“No, really,” Levi says. He gestures between Eren and himself and the jerky gesture - for some bizarre reason - makes Eren’s cheeks heat. The fuck is that about? “This. That. However you want to name it. It’s a thing.” His gaze hardens. “ _Don’t_ be weird about it.”

Oh. Well, that was easy.

Isabel stares at him. Her eyes flick to Eren who hopes he’s offering some sort of smile of confirmation, but it’s probably just a dopey grin because that’s pretty much the only expression he’s been able to pull with any consistency since that afternoon. Isabel’s eyes narrow for a moment before blowing wide as dinner plates. “You’re fucking _shitting_ me.”

“Nope.” Eren shakes his head. “Happened about… Four hours ago?”

Levi shrugs. “I wasn’t really keeping track, I was a bit busy.”

“No,” Isabel says firmly. “No, you are absolutely having me on. This is a prank, right?” She jabs an accusing finger at Levi. “You are _not_ sitting there and telling me you and Eren hooked up.”

“Well, no, I’m not saying that,” Levi says, wrinkling his nose. “Don’t be crude.”

Eren’s face is on fire. He is in hell. He has died and he is in hell. “May I be excused from this conversation?”

“No!” Isabel cries. “I want a straight answer from one of you and I don’t care which one it is, but one of you needs to tell me what the hell is going on right fucking now.”

“It’s really not that hard of a concept to grasp, Isa,” Mikasa says. “They’re together now. Judging by the fact Eren hasn’t been able to stop grinning like an idiot since he walked in.”

“And how Levi looks less likely to murder someone,” Farlan adds. “Or he did, anyway.”

“Yeah, the urge is slowly coming back,” Levi mutters darkly. “So tread lightly.”

“But…” Isabel looks between them. “Wait, for real?”

Eren sighs, fond in spite of himself. “Yeah, Isa. For real.” He’s expecting a loud response, whatever it might be. Screaming, yelling, vaulting the table to tackle him, anything’s possible whenever Isabel gets overexcited. What he’s not expecting is for her eyes to fill with tears and for her to give him the softest, sweetest smile he’s ever seen grace her face.

“Oh my god,” she says, clasping her hands to her chest. “I’m… I’m so happy for you.”

“Oh,” Eren says, a little blindsided. “Um, thank you?”

Farlan jerks in his seat with a pained yelp and he glares at Levi who stares back at him levelly. “What the fuck was that for?”

“Why can’t you be like her?” Levi asks, jerking his head at Isabel. “See? That’s how normal people react. Why’d you have to be such a fucking shit about it?”

Farlan scowls. “She’s just happy because she won the bet.”

“Oh, that’s right!” Isabel says. “Pay up, fuckers!”

Eren groans, letting his face fall into his hands. “I want new friends.”

Armin pats his shoulder sympathetically.


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for those of you wanting clarification 
> 
> farlan: bet that eren would be the one to tell the gang he and levi got together  
> mikasa: bet against the odds that levi would be the one to admit it  
> armin: bet that they’d try and keep it a secret for as long as they could and would end up being caught out by someone  
> isabel: bet that eren would get too flustered and levi would end up having to step in to say something bc the girl knows What’s Up

With the way Isabel and Farlan carried on after they paired off, Levi had been expecting everything to feel different. It doesn’t, though, not at all, and he wonders if that means there’s something wrong with him or if Isabel and Farlan are just full of shit. Honestly? It’s probably both, and maybe a little bit to do with the fact that yesterday doesn’t even feel like it happened.

It did, though, and Levi has proof. He can’t quite handle having the portrait of his mother on display at all times, it stirs something too vast for him to handle in his chest whenever he looks at it, so he tucks it carefully into his desk drawer where it will be safe. He still doesn’t really have the words to describe what the picture means to him, not even in the privacy of his own head. Levi’s never owned much in his life that he’s treasured beyond his trusty knife and his mother’s old teabox, but this? There’s no comparison.

And… Maybe he does feel a little different. Not much, not really, but there’s something… New. Something he’s not really sure how to name, not quite peace, not quite comfort, but enough of each to be pleasant enough. A kind of certainty that, for all his flaws, he’s not quite as broken as he had once believed himself to be. Oh, he’s still broken, a few kind words from Eren aren’t going to be enough to erase literal decades of… whatever it is that’s wrong with him, but at least Levi has the reassurance he’d never thought he wanted or needed, that while he may have been meant to be alone, he doesn’t _have_ to be.

It’s… a lot. Too much for Levi to puzzle through on his own, this strange plane of existence he’s suddenly found himself existing in, the place where Eren loves him and knows - finally fucking knows - that Levi feels the same, even if he can’t manage to speak the words aloud. Things are no longer unbalanced between them but things inside Levi certainly are and he has neither the time nor the inclination to dwell on them. Not while he has things that he needs to do.

Because they might have this new and fragile thing to call their own, but the world will go on without them. The titans don’t care that Eren and Levi have a new dynamic to learn how to navigate, no matter how strangely familiar everything feels, and Hanji’s experiments won’t wait, Erwin’s slowly mounting impatience to organise their next expedition won’t wait, so whatever is happening between them will either need to happen fast or not at all and it’s up to Levi to figure out which one of those it’s going to be.

He really doesn’t know which he’d prefer, honestly. He doesn’t want to rush this - whatever _this_ is meant to be - but neither does he want to let it go. Whatever the fuck this is meant to be, to become, whatever the fuck is meant to happen next, Levi’s put in too much time to let it escape him now.

But regardless of his own feelings on the matter, he does still have a duty and he wouldn’t be much worth as a soldier if he let this get in the way of that. Which is laughable, honestly, considering he never even wanted to be a soldier in the first place, but he’s never half-assed anything in his life and he’s damn well not going to start now. When you find something you can do well, might as well give it your all. No point doing a job badly when you can do it so well it pisses people off.

And yeah, Levi’s never been one for duty and honour and all that trite shit before, but he’s tempered a lot since his first expedition, lost too many comrades to titans to sit idly by without doing something. Isabel had come to the realisation far sooner than he had, on the back of their first mission past wall Rose, the fire igniting inside her and blazing so hot Levi hadn’t been able to douse it no matter how hard he’d tried. He’d given in, ultimately, because she was right. They can’t sit by and let the titans continue on as they have been, unchecked for a century now. Something needs to be done and Levi possesses the rare ability to be able to do it.

So does Eren. Which is why Levi’s going to suck it up and let Erwin dress him down until he runs out of steam. Right now, Levi’s the only one standing between Eren and a series of invasive and overwhelming experiments that have more chance of killing him than the titans do. Yes, Hanji would never hurt him, but Erwin’s single-minded determination might. As much as Levi may trust the man to lead the scouts well, through hell or high water, he knows that if left unchallenged, Erwin’s methods would have the potential to become somewhat barbaric. It’s not too bad an issue, Levi’s a veteran at dealing with their Commander’s bullshit by now, but it doesn’t mean he enjoys their little _chats_.

He’s never yet disobeyed an order from his Commander and he hopes he never has to. But where Eren is concerned… Well, Levi and the Commander have wildly differing priorities.

He knocks on Erwin’s door before the rest of the castle is even thinking about stirring and rising for the day, partly because he’s being petty and partly because he already knows Erwin will be awake. He’s right in his suspicions, slips inside when Erwin offers a mild, “enter”, and stands with his hands tucked neatly behind his back while Erwin finishes up his paperwork.

The man keeps worse hours than Hanji and that’s saying something.

“Punctual as ever.”

“Not really. Eager to get this over with is probably closer to the truth.”

“Well, at least you’re honest.”

Oh, this is going to be fun. “When it suits me.”

Erwin smiles faintly, glances up at Levi like he’s dealing with a particularly precocious child. “Yes, I’ve noticed. I hear you mounted a patrol yesterday. Now, I may be wrong, but I believe I mentioned something about Jaeger not being permitted to leave the castle grounds without a full escort present.”

“Yeah, you did. Which is why he left the grounds with the equivalent of a full brigade accompanying him. You’ve heard the rumours, right?”

“Levi.”

“Now, I don’t normally set much stock in the mutterings of townspeople-”

“Levi.”

“...But I wouldn’t be much worth as Eren’s guardian if I couldn’t take him on alone. Wasn’t that the whole reason the MPs let us have him?”

Erwin lowers his pencil to the desk with a sharp snap. “You disobeyed an order.”

“If you want to get technical about it, I suppose.” Levi inclines his head. “That’s not the problem, though, is it?” Erwin’s gaze hardens and Levi knows he’s right. “You think that any time the kid spends in his human form is a waste, right? All the time he’s not training is time lost.”

“We’re operating on a strict schedule here, Levi.”

“We’re not, though,” Levi counters. “The only schedule here is yours and I know you want to know what the fuck is in that basement, but Eren can only do so much. If we lose him, we lose your precious shot at wall Maria, so you really do need to be more careful about how hard you push him.”

Erwin regards him for a long moment, expression carefully blank. “You think it’s my schedule we’re working to?”

That… Doesn’t sound good. “Isn’t it?”

“No.” Erwin shakes his head, looks genuinely apologetic, which means Levi’s about to have a bad fucking time. “Levi, our custody of Eren was conditional.”

“Yeah, on me being able to control him.”

“Partly, yes. But our next expedition has the potential to spell disaster for us all, should it fail.”

“Yeah, your precious little test run. What are you planning with that, by the way? I’ve got my suspicions, but I’d prefer to hear it from you.” Levi’s suspicions, Armin’s suspicions, it doesn’t really matter, but they’re all painfully aware that there’s something else going on. What exactly Erwin hopes to achieve Levi doesn’t know, other than the fact that it has something to do with those two slaughtered titans in Trost.

“I had my own suspicions at the time,” Erwin says. “When Hanji’s test subjects were killed, that was when I knew that this ability of Eren’s went further than we initially believed. We’re flying almost completely blind here, Levi. We know nothing and the enemy knows a lot more than we ever thought possible.” His brows pull together into a deep frown, an expression far more severe on his face than it would be on anyone else’s. “You understand that the colossal and the armoured, they’re almost certainly people like Eren? People who possess the ability to shift at will?”

“I’ve heard the rumour, yeah.” Truthfully, Levi hadn’t been able to shake the thought away since the first time Erwin mentioned it to Eren, back down in that cell below the courthouse. It makes more sense than any other possibility, but that’s not a comforting concept to dwell on. It means that the colossal and the armoured are people with their own agendas, people who are working with the titans beyond the walls, people who have plans that none of them will be able to figure out until they know more than they do now.

“Then you understand the severity of the situation,” Erwin says. “And you understand that whoever slaughtered those titans did it to keep us in the dark. And that, if given the chance, they would slaughter Eren, too.”

Levi is exceptionally careful to keep his reaction off of his face. “Yeah, I figured as much. Can’t let the enemy get the upper hand, right?”

“I believe Eren’s ability was never meant to fall to him,” Erwin says. “I wasn’t sure, but Hanji had some very interesting things to say on the subject.” He taps a finger against a pile of paperwork beside him that, on further inspection, is literally a mess of scraps and scrawled diagrams cobbled together in a poor attempt at order. Definitely from Hanji. “They have some… Interesting hypotheses.”

It’s the first Levi’s hearing about any of this, but he hasn’t really gone out of his way to ask. Hanji’s insane ramblings only make sense about twenty percent of the time and the only one with enough patience to sit and puzzle through their meandering and hyperactive speeches is Erwin. Maybe Farlan on a good day, but he’s definitely guilty of tuning out about as much as Levi is. But regardless, Levi should have pushed further, delved deeper for more information, rather than focusing solely on what this was doing to Eren.

“Do you know that Eren has a memory of a titan eating his father?” Erwin asks.

“Yeah, it’s come up. Nightmare, he said.”

“A safe assumption. But do you know that, when describing the nightmare to Hanji, he mentioned seeing his father being eaten from above? That he could only see the titan’s hands and not its body?”

Dread, icy cold, ripples down Levi’s spine. “You think Eren ate his own father.”

“Just one hypothesis of many,” Erwin says, far more calmly than seems appropriate. “But it’s interesting, don’t you think? That his father demanded he learn to control his power, and directly after was consumed by a titan? Almost as though he were…”

“...Passing the power on.” Levi’d had his suspicions, yes, but having even the vaguest confirmation that Grisha Jaeger has done this to his son intentionally is enough to send Levi’s blood boiling. “So, what? You think Eren’s dad was working with the enemy? Whoever the fuck they’re meant to be?”

“We don’t know,” Erwin says, frustration creeping into his tone. “And we likely won’t until we reach that basement. The reason I’m impatient to mount the expedition is because I want to provoke the wolves among us into acting. The best chance for them to claim Eren for themselves, the best time for them to strike, is outside the wall. If they stand any chance of taking Eren away from us, it will be then, while we are scattered and preoccupied with the titans.”

“So you want to use him as bait.”

“Yes. Because if I’m correct and the enemy acts against us, we can retaliate and - hopefully - capture them. With concrete evidence like that in our grasp, we can present proof to Zackley and we will be able to mount a full scale offensive to reclaim wall Maria. More numbers, more chance of succeeding, more chance of dealing the titans a blow they cannot recover from.”

“It sounds like a fucking conspiracy,” Levi snaps. “You’re talking like there’s… The titans are _beasts_ , Erwin. Mindless, vicious beasts. They’re not intelligent, they’re not…” He doesn’t even know what he’s trying to say, but he absolutely cannot sanction Eren being used as bait. Armin had suggested as much but Levi had hoped so dearly that the kid was wrong.

“The titans we’ve encountered, yes,” Erwin says. “But not the human-titans who’ve set us back decades in two coordinated attacks now. First Shiganshina, then Trost. I’m certain that the colossal and armoured titans are already among us. And unless we can bait them into acting, then we’ll remain forever in the dark. And if we don’t get proof soon that there is something seditious at work here, the MPs will come for Eren again.”

“Why?” Levi demands. “Zackley already gave his ruling. He gave the scouts full custody-”

“Temporary custody.”

Levi feels a little bit like he’s been kicked in the stomach. “What the fuck is that meant to mean?”

Erwin sighs, almost mournfully. “Nothing comes without a price, Levi. If you want to keep Eren out of the hands of the Military Police, then we need evidence and we need it soon. If we cannot prove that there is another force at work here, if we cannot prove that there is an intelligent mind behind the titan attacks, then Eren will be forced to shoulder the blame of the titan threat in their stead. His existence proves that there is a force at work that we don’t understand, but what he _cannot_ prove is his own innocence.

“I hate to say this, Levi. It _truly_ pains me to be the one to force your hand... But if Eren cannot harness his power soon, then we will have no choice but to concede when the Military Police’s patience finally runs out.”

* * *

Eren’s titan explodes into existence with that blinding flash of amber lightning and a wave of heat so intense Levi has to shield his face. Beside him, Hanji cheers while the others scatter a little further away, just in case Eren’s feeling a little feral this time around, but when Levi lowers his arm, Eren’s titan is crouched exactly where Eren had been moments before, huge head bowed forward with those messy locks hanging down and obscuring those bizarre rows of teeth.

“I wonder what he’ll do,” Hanji whispers excitedly. “Oh, this is always my favourite part!”

Levi does not agree. His favourite part is none of it. His favourite part is when Eren does not have to shit out a titan, and instead can come sit quietly in Levi’s room over a pot of tea. This is in no way close to any of Levi’s favourite things. Hanji’s just batshit fucking insane. But he knew that already.

He hates it more now than he ever did before. He hates that, for all his arguing, Erwin still managed to find a fucking way around Levi to force him into pushing Eren harder anyway. Bastard knew exactly how to do it, too, knew exactly which pressure point he needed to hit to get Levi to go down. Under no fucking circumstances will Levi ever let the MPs get their filthy fucking paws on Eren, which means that Levi needs to ensure their expedition is beyond flawless. They need Eren to control his titan and they need to bait out the fucking traitors hiding among them and they need to clap them in chains and put them in front of the fucking King himself.

And Levi hates it all. He’s been in a bad fucking mood since this morning, Erwin’s words clanging around in his head insistently enough to drive him insane. He’s not yet had the chance to corner Hanji about exactly what their hypotheses regarding Eren’s transformations are, but the moment he gets the chance the scientist better watch their fucking back because Levi’s going to get answers however he can and he’s _very_ good at making reluctant people squawk.

Not now, though. Now he needs to focus on Eren, or the titan he’s attempting to control, and as much as Levi hates everything right now, the sight of Eren’s fully manifested titan helps to soothe at least some of his concerns. With any luck, Eren’s natural determination will come into play and help him control his ability before Levi has to do what he promised himself he never would and run the kid into the ground.

Eren shifts, dragging Levi’s fractured attention back to him as he slowly raises his head, and Levi heaves a heavy sigh, drawing his blades and standing up in his saddle, ready to fire off and sever the kid from the nape the way he always ends up having to. But something in Eren’s face stops him. Normally his eyes are flat right after a change, lifeless, feral. Now they’re sparking with something dangerously close to recognition and Hanji screams at the sight of it.

“Eren, are you with us?!”

A slow, careful nod. Eren looks down at his hands, wriggles his fingers a couple times, then looks back up and parts his teeth, pointed ears wiggling and eyes scrunching up in his best approximation of a grin.

Well, damn. Kid’s fucking figured it out. Levi doesn’t cheer - Hanji screams loud enough for both of them - but _fuck_ the relief is strong.

Levi still fires his anchors, still zips across the field tethered to Eren’s arm until he can perch on a broad, titan shoulder. Eren turns his head to look at him, huffing softly when Levi crouched beside his jaw.

“Fuck me, I guess,” Levi says, patting his cheek. “You were right. And this is the only time you’ll ever hear me say that, so enjoy it while you can.” Eren chuffs happily, tilting his head slightly towards Levi and nudging him with his cheek in an almost catlike nuzzle. Levi huffs, swatting him lightly. “Enough of that. You want your titan to out us to the rest of the corps? Keep it in your titan pants, brat.”

Eren doesn’t seem to care one way or the other, lifts a hand as though to pick Levi up in his giant fingers and that’s about as far as Levi’s tolerance goes. Since it’s already been established that Eren can’t feel pain in his titan form, he feels absolutely no guilt in severing the fingers reaching for him, firing his anchors and jetting back down to the ground where Hanji is having some sort of fit.

“Eren!” They yell. “Bend down, darling, I want to examine your eyes!”

Though it’s more than likely for scary science reasons, Levi can’t exactly blame them. Eren’s titan eyes are something else, the only familiar thing about him, and when they’re that much larger than usual, their normal enthralling charm is amplified a hundredfold. Giant, endless whirls of turquoise and gold, and even Levi has to admit that he’s somewhat captivated by them.

Eren slowly lowers himself down, long limbs folding as he tucks them beneath him and settles down on his belly, chin on the ground. Hanji squeals and darts forward, stretching up to press a kiss to Eren’s nose, laughing when the brat’s ears quiver. It feels weird to use words like adorable to describe a fucking titan, which is exactly why Levi stays quiet. He’s not actually sure the word adorable has ever passed his lips before, but if it’s describing Eren… Well, stranger things have happened.

And the kid _is_ adorable, in a sort of chaotic, feral way. Pouts when he doesn’t get his way, goes all wide eyed when he’s happy, flushes when he’s teased, yet underneath it all he’s this mess of bravery, anger, and confidence. How so many contradictions can exist in one person, Levi will never know. How is the kid not exhausted all the time? If Levi feels more than one thing at a time he basically has to write off the rest of the day to recover.

“So much quicker this time,” Hanji says, scribbling manically in their journal. “I wonder why... We’ve not done anything different. Do you think you can get yourself out of your titan this time? Can you still feel your body? Let me get a quick sketch and we can run through some reflex tests. Are your fingers already healing? Do you think-”

Levi, as always, tunes the fuck out. He can’t help it, it’s a defence mechanism at this point, and he’s going to be marching himself straight to Hanji’s office after this to demand answers anyway. But Eren, patient fucking angel that he is, answers all Hanji’s excitable questions with his usual one-or-two grunt answers that are all he can manage in this form. He sits up, lets Hanji clamber all over him, but through it all, his eyes barely stray away from Levi.

Which… Might be a problem.

Actually, yeah, it’s definitely a problem. Levi’d been happy to keep his distance and let Hanji do their thing, but the longer he stays back, the further down Eren’s ears begin to droop, and those wide eyes start to look a bit too sad for Levi’s liking. He’s also no longer listening to Hanji’s questions, instead has taken to rumbling out a low, mournful sound that won’t stop no matter what Hanji does.

“Levi!”

“What?!”

“Can you come here, please?”

Rolling his eyes, Levi stomps over to Hanji, arms folded. “Why, what the fuck do you need me for?” The moment he asks it, though, he gets his answer. He comes to a stop by Eren’s knee and the moment he’s within what Eren apparently deems as acceptable proximity, he stops his titan whining.

“Oh!” Hanji says. “I was right?”

“What am I looking at here, glasses?”

“I think,” Hanji says, which never follows anything good, “that Eren feels a bit happier when you’re near. Probably because he recognises you while the titan’s mind is warring with his own. I think the recognition is enough to keep the titan calm.” Their eyes practically glow. “Move back, move back!”

With a groan, Levi retreats a good few meters away. Eren starts making that miserable sound again, until Hanji beckons Levi closer again. Eren tries to reach for him once more and Levi severs his fingers again. He is absolutely not about to let a titan manhandle him, even if said titan is technically being piloted by his… Eren.

Disgusting.

“It is you!” Hanji cries. “Isabel, come here! I want to see if it works with you, too!”

Isabel rides over, dismounting a few meters out and jogging the rest of the way. Eren barely spares her a glance, though his ears do flutter slightly which Levi is beginning to understand is meant to communicate some form of happiness.

“Right, Levi, back away.” He does. Eren starts keening again. “Okay, come back!”

“Awwww!” Isabel coos, patting Eren’s giant knee. “That’s so cute!”

“Shut your face,” Levi tells her moodily. He’s not exactly happy that Eren’s titan has, for all intents and purposes, apparently imprinted on him. It opens far too many cans of worms for Levi to be entirely pleased about this discovery.

And yet…

If Levi’s privately pleased that Eren likes having him nearby no matter what form he’s in… Well, that’s his business.

“Okay, Eren!” Hanji calls. “Reflex time! Can you touch your nose for me? Yes! Excellent. Now, up you get, I want to see how fast you can run.”

* * *

Levi sends Eren off to shower and eat after the afternoons training session, and though Eren’s coherency and resilience had been heartening, Levi can’t pretend he’s happy about any of it. One good day doesn’t help the fact that Levi’s going to have to start pushing, playing into Erwin’s hands exactly as he planned, forcing the kid to change multiple times, run drills in his titan form, shift back if he can, run through all Hanji’s crazy experiments.

He feels exhausted, drained though he’s done nothing except to endure an unpleasant conversation and stand in a field all day. He has no right to feel this tired, but at the same time he feels like he has so much on his mind it may as well be a physical weight dragging him down. The last thing he wants to do right now is talk to Hanji about this, but he won’t be able to rest until he does, so he forgoes his break and marches straight to their office the moment Eren’s been dismissed.

They don’t look at all surprised to see him when they open the door. “Wondered when you’d show up,” is all they say by way of explanation, stepping back to let Levi into the Pit. The brats really struck true with that name. Even standing in the doorway is enough to make Levi feel as though he’ll need to shower in bleach.

“Yeah, Erwin said some shit,” Levi mutters, edging into the room and deciding to stand, no matter how tired he might be feeling. He doesn’t want to risk infection.

“Erwin’s always saying some shit,” Hanji says, retreating to what Levi assumes is meant to be a desk, but it’s covered with books and journals and what looks to be several jars of suspicious red liquid. “But I’m assuming this is about Eren.”

Yeah, when is anything in Levi’s life _not_ about Eren? That’s not a complaint. “Yeah. What’s this bullshit about him eating his dad?”

“Oh, that,” Hanji says. “Well…” They start pawing through the journals littering the desk, tossing books and papers onto the floor, including a sheet of what looks to be sketches of genitals that Levi _dearly_ hopes is just Hanji being childish and not relevant research. “Eren and I had a lovely chat a few weeks ago about his nightmares and I got a tad suspicious. AHA!” They brandish a journal triumphantly, leafing through the pages before holding it out to Levi. He takes it gingerly between his thumb and forefinger. “It’s all there.”

Levi turns the journal over. “...Hanji, I can’t read this.”

“Oh, you can’t read shorthand?”

“No? What the fuck is that?”

“It’s a handy little writing tool that means you can write long passages of text in symbols and shapes, condensing a lot of what you want to note down so you can write faster. I didn’t like the usual way of writing shorthand so I made up my own!”

“Then how the fuck would I be able to read this?”

“Oh, good point.” Hanji snatches the journal back. “Well, in brief, he mentioned seeing his father being eaten by a titan after feeling a burning sensation in his nape. He described his father holding a syringe and restraining him. You can see why I might have gotten a tad interested in that bit of information, can’t you?”

Annoyingly, yes. “So his dad made him a titan?”

“Seems that way. What I don’t understand is why Eren ate his father. He’s never shown any inclination to eat another human before. Attack, yes, but not eat. Even when fighting the titans in Trost he didn’t bite.”

“You say that like he definitely did it. You’ve got no evidence Eren did actually eat anyone.”

“No, of course not. All hypothesis. But you have to admit it is _fascinating._ And it just shows how much we don’t know. Why give Eren this power? How did he pass it on? What was in the syringe?” Hanji wriggles, clapping their hands together with a happy little shriek. “So many questions!”

“And no answers,” Levi says flatly. “I’ll level with you, four-eyes, I don’t like any of this. And now I’ve got Erwin breathing down my neck about running Eren into the ground.”

“Which obviously we won’t do,” Hanji says, sobering up almost instantly. Talk about whiplash. “How could we? Eren’s a precious resource, to say nothing of the fact that he’s an absolute angel in his own right. I’d never put him in harm's way.”

“And yet,” Levi says, teetering very close to seething. “Erwin’s getting impatient.”

“We’re all impatient!” Hanji cries. “But we lose Eren and we lose everything. I have faith that we can accomplish what Erwin wants, but I absolutely will not let him push Eren beyond what he can handle.” They frown, lip jutting out into a pout. “Have more faith in me, Levi. I’ve been navigating Erwin’s particular brand of callous nonsense for years.”

“I believe that,” Levi says. “How old are you, anyway?”

“It’s rude to ask a lady her age!”

Levi blinks. “...Are you?”

“Am I what?”

“A lady?”

Hanji cackles. “Only on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and alternating Sundays. Never on a day with Y in the name, though. Or months ending with “-tember”.”

That’s… about the answer Levi would expect from them. “Right.” He can’t deny he’s a little relieved, though. “So we’re in agreement. Eren does as much as he can and no more. And Erwin can die mad about it.”

“Preferably not die,” Hanji says. “War makes monsters of us all, Levi, and we’ll need a monster to see us through this to the end. Erwin may have… particular methods, but never doubt that his resolve comes from a place of heart. If he had to sacrifice himself to achieve freedom for the rest of humanity, he would.” They grimace. “But he’d sacrifice us all to get there as well. He’s willing to die for his cause, and he expects the same of us. You can’t really blame him.”

Debatable. Levi’s pretty good at placing blame these days. “Just as long as you never give me a reason to defend Eren, I’ll be good. I’d hate to have to disobey an order. I’ve got a pretty good streak going.” He does and he’s quite proud of it. Over two years without killing another human or doing his own thing and hanging the consequences. He’d worry his skills were getting rusty if he wasn’t… Well, himself.

“Don’t worry,” Hanji says, waving a dismissive hand. “I can handle Erwin. Trust me when I say that causing Eren any harm goes against everything I believe in. The pursuit of knowledge is a noble one, but even I have my limits.” They grin. “I also wouldn’t ever want to get on your bad side.”

“Good call.”

“Do you want to take some of my notes? I copy everything in triplicate, so I have spares.”

“Is it in shorthand?”

“Yes!”

“...Then no?”

“Ah, right. Yeah, makes sense. Well! If you have any questions, my door is always open. Except for when it’s closed, but you can just open it and come inside. Might want to knock, though. Sometimes the experiments get a bit gruesome.”

“Yeah…” Levi really doesn’t want to ask, but… “The, uh, jars? Are those full of Eren’s blood?”

Hanji glances shiftily at them. “...Not all of them.”

“Right. Fantastic. Thanks for the chat and the trauma, Hanji. I’m going to go before I literally throw up.”

Hanji’s cackling follows him all the way down the hall and it’s not until Levi gets to the first floor that the oppressive, rancid air of the Pit finally clears out of his lungs and he feels like he can breathe again. Aside from the very real fear of contracting some kind of airborne disease from Hanji’s natural habitat, Levi feels more reassured than he had expected to feel after their strange chat. He feels better than he did before, anyway, after his near-altercation with Erwin, but nothing short of clocking the Commander full force in the face would have made him feel better after that.

Thing is, and Levi can’t believe he didn’t consider this before, it’s obviously not just him that’s concerned for Eren’s wellbeing. Levi defies anybody who knows the kid not to love him, to want to watch out for him, but that might just be because Levi’s biased, but Mikasa, Armin, Isabel, Farlan, even Hanji Levi know knows, all want the kid to be as safe as he can be while they navigate this uncharted territory of titan uprisings and sedition. Levi’s not alone in wanting to keep Eren safe and that’s the best he can ask for right now.

That, and Grisha Jaeger’s head on a fucking platter, but with any luck the fucker’s already dead. If Eren did actually eat him… Well, that would be right up Levi’s alley in terms of perfect, vengeful irony.

Probably best if they keep that bit of information to themselves, though. No telling how Eren would react to it. Brat would probably twist himself up inside over it.

Yeah, best not to mention it. For now, anyway.

Thus reassured, Levi is intent on showering the day’s worries away and fortifying himself with a freshly brewed pot of tea before he heads down to the dining hall to join the others. For now he just wants to tap out of reality for at least forty-five minutes.

But when he opens his door, the familiar, smoky scent of gunpowder tea is strong, as well as the scent of verbena and buckthorn and instead of stepping into an empty room, Levi is greeted by the sight of Eren, hair still wet from a recent shower, curled up on the end of the bed with his journal propped open on his knees.

“Oh!” Eren says when Levi closes the door behind him. His face splits into a wide smile that stabs deep into Levi’s chest. “There you are, I was starting to wonder. I brewed a pot of tea, I hope that’s okay? You seemed a bit tense today, so I thought you might need it. I also figured you might want to be alone and I can leave if you want, but… I hoped maybe you’d make an exception for me?”

He looks so tentatively hopeful, expression so sweet and open, that Levi couldn’t turn him away even if he wanted to. Eren is always so careful not to overstep the boundaries Levi’s taken great effort to put up and keep up for all these years, and Levi doesn’t know how to tell Eren that it is fully okay for him to rip them all the fuck down, but goddamn it he is going to try.

Is this what they do now? Is this how things are going to be from now on? Levi trading solitude for Eren’s company? Giving up the peace he’s always found in his own company because it’s nothing compared to the peace of Eren beside him instead?

“Yeah, of course,” Levi says before he can stop himself. “That… Sounds perfect.”

 _I love you_ , is what he means. From the way Eren’s smile shines impossibly brighter, Levi thinks he probably knows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stupid plot getting in the way of my boys being SOFF. bonus hanji though so it ok


	47. Chapter 47

Eren pulls with everything inside him. All his strength, all his determination, he focuses it down into one blisteringly hot focal point and heaves against it with all the power in his body and the will in his mind and with a sickening, tearing sensation, he wrenches himself free of the nape of his titan’s neck from hazy red into blinding, white light.

He’s gasping, feverish, but _proud_ , viciously so, and as he topples backwards there are hands ready to catch him as his titan body begins to disintegrate and steam.

“That’s it!” Hanji cries, arms tucked firmly underneath Eren’s. “That’s my boy!” They grunt as Levi severs the flesh still connecting Eren’s arms to his titan, shuddering a little as Eren is fully freed, but their anchors hold steady in the steaming titan corpse long enough for them to lower the both of them to the ground.

“Way to go, Eren!” Petra calls. Eren manages a shaky wave in her direction, staggering a little when Hanji releases him but he doesn’t go down.

It’s his twentieth attempt, his tenth fully manifested titan, and the second time he’s been able to pull himself free. He’s exhausted, hungry, sore and sweltering, but so viciously pleased with himself that he can’t stop smiling. Even Levi, whose customary expression during Eren’s training sessions is one of deep dissatisfaction, looks somewhat proud if Eren is interpreting the softness around his eyes correctly.

“Well done,” Levi says and Eren beams. “Here.” He hands Eren a full canteen with the lid already unfastened, which is unexpectedly thoughtful of him and much appreciated considering Eren’s hands are always somewhat unsteady after he shifts, owing in no small part to the fact that they’re always the last part to be severed from Eren’s titan, along with his… entire face.

“How are you feeling?” Hanji asks, a stark counterpoint to the usual rapid-fire barrage of questions that’s always waiting for Eren the moment he exits the titan. They sweep a hand over Eren’s forehead, swearing a blue streak because they forget _every single time_ that Eren is scalding hot right out of his titan.

“I’m okay,” Eren says, heartened by how true it is. He’s still hungry and sore and tired, like always, but nowhere near as exhausted as he had been when shifting just last week. Better than that, he’s not lost control once since the time Levi managed to call him back so he’s overjoyed by the progress he’s making.

Hanji beams at him. “This is _good_ , Eren. Your control is getting so much better. We’ve not had to stop you once. How’s the memory?”

“Stable,” Eren says after a moment. The events that transpire while he’s in his titan form are still a little foggy right after he comes out, but he’s finding he can recall more and more with every subsequent change.

Hanji glances at Levi. “Do you… think you could try again?”

Levi’s expression hardens, jaw clenching so tightly Eren can hear his teeth grinding, but he doesn’t shoot the idea down immediately. “It’s your call,” he says to Eren, which is surprising enough on its own that Eren is momentarily lost for what to do. Levi clearly doesn’t want him shifting again, but he’d shoot the idea down in an instant if he thought for a second Eren couldn’t handle it.

And… Eren wants to try. He won’t get stronger if he doesn’t push himself at least a little. Staying safely in the middle of the road isn’t going to get them to wall Maria, isn’t going to beat back the titans. If Eren wants to win his freedom, he has to be willing to fight.

“I want to try,” he says firmly. Levi closes his eyes, exhaling sharply, but he doesn’t protest. So he does think Eren can do it. That’s nice to know.

“Alright,” Levi says. Very briefly, he brushes a palm over the back of Eren’s arm and the reassurance is deeply appreciated. He turns away, waving Isabel and the others back. “Move away, we’re going again!”

Eren waits for Hanji and Levi to join the others before he widens his stance and slows his breathing. Lately he’s been finding that focusing on simple tasks isn’t enough to trigger the intent needed to shift. He needs something that will incite the titan itself into action, almost as though it’s not _his_ intent that matters but the titan’s. He’d mentioned it to Hanji who had leapt on the theory with aplomb, and ever since they’ve been trying to figure out what it is that Eren’s titan wants. To kill other titans, definitely, which seems odd but hey, it works. Anything violent and Eren’s titan seems ready to fucking go, which is fine but exhausting. It also makes a weird sort of sense, about why Eren had felt that similar sparking sensation in his head whenever he’d sparred with Mikasa or Reiner. Like his titan knew what to do and was roaring to let Eren know the next moves he should take.

He wonders if he could take Levi on with his titan to guide him. He’s curious to see if he could hold his own.

But it’s Levi, so probably not.

As before, Eren focuses his mind as he breathes, focuses on leaving the walls, carving a bloody path through titan country to reclaim his home and then the world beyond. He fixates on the half-forgotten memory of what it felt like to rend titans with his bare hands, on the savage rush of victory following a vicious kill. Something roars inside him and, bolstered, Eren bites into his hand.

Lightning strikes. _Heat-fury-rage._ And Eren opens titan eyes.

 _Victory_.

* * *

Eren and Levi might be neglecting the others a little bit, yes, but he knows not a single one of them would hold it against them. Not while they’re happy, not while Levi and Eren are learning how to navigate what is still so new between them. And Eren is terrified still that he’s overstepping here, that he’s hanging around too much, needs to back off and let Levi have the solitude he’s always prized and treasured, but then Levi will wait for Eren to finish washing up after training, will head back to his quarters with Eren beside him, and then they’ll share a pot of tea and either talk or Levi will do his paperwork and Eren will draw and all his worries will evaporate like titan steam.

Levi wants Eren nearby. He’s still coming to terms with that particular revelation.

Like now. Levi can’t seem to decide between which leaves to steep, seems torn between assam and ceylon, so he turns to Eren with a packet in each hand and a question in his eyes that Eren answers by pointing his pencil at the packet of leaves in Levi’s right hand. The assam, of course, because Levi has a stack of requisition orders to fill out before the courier arrives in the morning and section commander Ness’ handwriting is even more illegible than Levi’s own and his forms are always so messy it stresses Levi out. The assam will calm him down, relax him, and Eren knows that because Levi lets him, because Levi likes having Eren nearby.

He’s having trouble accepting that, if you haven’t noticed.

It’s not that he doesn’t trust it! He knows that Levi would say if he needed space, trusts that Levi knows his own limits and would be honest if he felt overwhelmed, but he can’t help but worry a bit that Levi’s enduring Eren’s proximity because he feels like he has to. He could send Eren away and Eren would never begrudge him needing his space, but so far Levi hasn’t said a word about it, so here they are a week later, still learning, but enjoying the peace that their new daily routine grants them.

“You’re staring,” Levi says, not looking up from his paperwork.

“Yup,” Eren says, smudging a line on the page he’s working on with the tip of his finger. “You’re very difficult to draw, just so you know.”

Levi does look up at that, one brow quirking. “You’re drawing me?”

“Mm, trying to.”

“Why?”

“Why wouldn’t I? Most interesting thing in the room.”

“Interesting, huh? I’ll take that as a compliment.”

Eren hums, frowns, and erases the mess he's made of Levi’s bangs. “Meant it as one, so you should. You have a lovely face.”

“Thanks? Don’t think anyone’s ever used lovely to describe me before.”

“I don’t think anyone would dare.”

“You do.”

“Yeah, but I’ve known you for ages.” Eren glances up slyly. “And I also get special dispensation because I’ve had your tongue in my mouth.”

Levi snorts into his teacup, more shocked than amused if the following coughing fit is any indication. Eren just cackles gleefully, which earns him a screwed up ball of paper right to the forehead. He’d worry he’s overstepped, but Levi’s ears are bright pink at the tips and his eyes are soft which means he’s trying not to smile. Which… hm.

Well, never let it be said Eren’s not an opportunistic bastard when he wants to be.

“Which you could do. Now if you wanted.”

Levi looks at him. “That’s the most poorly-worded invitation I think I’ve ever been given. Smooth, Jaeger.”

“Well!” Eren says, throwing his hands up. “It’s not like I have any idea what I’m doing!”

“I find that hard to believe. You sure as hell kiss like you know what you’re doing.”

“I do?” That’s nice to know. It’s one of those things that seems like it should be simple in concept, but in practice isn’t really as intuitive as you think it would be. Or maybe Eren’s just overthinking it. He _has_ been known to do that occasionally.

“Mm.” Levi scribbles something out on the page with a frustrated grunt. “It’s a tad suspicious, if you ask me.” Another rough scribble and Levi reaches for his cup, brows pinching. Definitely Ness’ forms, then. None of the other section commanders’ requisition orders ever piss him off quite so much.

It’s quite fascinating, actually. Levi gives off the distinct impression that he has one facial expression that sits firmly under “done with everything all of the goddamn time” and never moves an inch one way or the other. And yeah, most of the time he has that same flat expression on his face and seems content enough to keep it at that. But that’s not really the case at all. Levi has so many more expressions than it appears at first glance, it’s just that they’re a lot less… expressive than other people’s. Which seems like a contradiction, but with Levi it works. It’s almost like a puzzle. Rather than just looking at Levi’s expression for the sole indication of what he’s feeling, you need to listen to his tone, his mannerisms, and together they’ll all tell you pretty much everything he’s thinking or feeling at any given moment.

His eyes, for example. Easily the most expressive part of him. Steel sharp when he’s angry, cloudy grey when he’s thinking. Almost blue, bright and clear when he’s amused. His brows as well, sharp as they are, are usually Eren’s best clue when he’s trying to puzzle Levi out. His jaw tends to tense when he’s pissed, but the left corner of his mouth twitches when he’s pleased. His ears flush when he’s embarrassed and his shoulders hunch when he’s upset.

Eren wonders how anyone can think Levi’s not expressive. Just because exactly what he’s feeling doesn’t show on his face doesn’t mean he’s not capable of the same emotions as the rest of them.

Like now, for instance. Levi’s shoulders and jaw are tense which means Ness’ forms are pissing him right the fuck off. He’s loosened his cravat as well, keeps tugging on it, running the fabric through his fingers like the motion helps him think. It means the pale column of his throat is on display, too, and Eren _really_ wants to press a kiss there, just to see what Levi will do.

There are a lot of places on Levi’s body that Eren wants to kiss, honestly, and that’s… Well, not a problem, but Eren’s not quite sure how well that desire will be received. Not yet, anyway. Maybe once they’ve learned how to navigate this _thing_ a little better, if Levi even wants to. He might not, which is fine, Eren would never push, would rather die, but Eren’s allowed to let his thoughts wander in the privacy of his own head, right?

“I can hear you thinking from here,” Levi says. Eren flushes, sinking lower into the bed so his knees are obscuring his burning cheeks from Levi’s gaze.

“I’m still drawing you,” Eren mumbles. “I’m concentrating.”

“Uh-huh,” Levi says, unconvinced. “Which is why your face is redder than a signal flare?”

Fuck. “I was just… Thinking?”

“About?”

“...Nothing appropriate.”

The faint scratch of Levi’s pencil against the page stops and Eren stiffens but he doesn’t sit up, really doesn’t want to see the disapproval on Levi’s face, the irritation that will follow Eren’s careless trampling of a boundary he hadn’t even intended to cross. This is all still so new and Eren’s bounding ahead thoughtlessly like he always does and he’s managed to make Levi uncomfortable, which is the last thing he ever wants to do. He’s so-

“Can it wait until I’ve finished with these forms, at least?”

...What.

Hesitantly, Eren shifts to the side, peering round his own legs to peek at Levi who’s still filling out his paperwork with that same Ness-related irritation furrowing his brows, but when he glances up at Eren, his lips twitch like he’s amused rather than pissed or- or disgusted, which is a far better reaction than Eren was expecting. “Um?”

“Or did you just want to sit there and fantasise by yourself?”

“That’s not what I was doing!” Eren’s voice comes out like he’s being strangled, strained and high-pitched and, quite frankly, embarrassingly loud. Levi glances up at him, amusement all over his face, the bastard, and shifts another completed form onto the steadily growing pile to his left.

“No?”

“No! ...Not… Exactly.” Slowly, Eren sits up, setting his journal carefully to one side. “Um… Would it be okay if I was?”

“Could not give less of a shit,” Levi says. “Think about whatever the hell you want, I’m not exactly about to start policing your thoughts, am I?”

“Well, no, but… Is it okay?”

“It’s normal. Or so I’m told.”

“Do you… not?”

Levi exhales through his nose, annoyed, but not with Eren. More like he’s annoyed because now he has to arrange his thoughts into a coherent explanation he wasn’t expecting or prepared to give when the conversation dipped down this path. He’s quiet for a moment, pencil scratching as he fills out another form, and it’s not until that one joins the completed pile that he leans back in his chair, gaze shifting to Eren, thoughtfully guarded.

“Not really,” he says after a moment. “Never really wanted to. Never really saw the appeal.” He arches a brow pointedly and Eren understands that for what it is. He’s talking about… well, _all_ of it. The intimacy, the stuff that comes with it. And Eren’s a little disappointed but not surprised. “Eren, there’s… Some issues there that I’m not quite sure how to explain to you.”

“You don’t have to,” Eren says quickly. “I’m not- Like it’s not a _problem_. Not at all! I don’t care if- I’m not here for that. I’m here for you.”

Levi’s ears flush at that. “Thanks. But that’s…” He sighs. “If it ever… If we ever…” The flush dips down to his earlobes and Eren tries very, very hard not to smile. It’s adorable, yes, Levi’s strange little way of flushing, but now is really not the time for laughter. “It’s not something I’ve ever really wanted for myself. My…” He frowns. “Eren, do you know what a brothel is?”

Talk about whiplash, holy shit. “Uh, yeah? I mean, not from personal experience.” A nervous laugh. “But the soldiers at the garrison used to talk about them. I’m pretty sure we had, like, four in our town alone.”

“Not surprising,” Levi says. A tired sigh. “I grew up in one.”

That’s… Not what Eren had been expecting him to say. Not at all. “Oh.”

“My mother,” Levi says and Eren understands, though he’s more than a little shocked. “So you tend to get a bit of a… well, a rather warped opinion of the whole institution. Not of the workers, they’re just trying to earn a living. The _clients_ ,” Levi manages to inject the word with enough venom that Eren recoils slightly, “are the problem.”

Eren can understand that. He doesn’t know much about them, but the ribald, sordid stories the soldiers could be heard swapping on their breaks were enough to turn anybody’s stomach. They speak about the workers like they’re nothing more than… Eren doesn’t even want to think about it, it makes him feel physically sick. And the idea that Levi grew up surrounded by that… It fills Eren with grief and rage in equal measure.

“So think what you like,” Levi says, returning his attention to the forms. “Because it’s not likely to ever go past that.”

Oh, he’s… Levi honestly thinks that’s going to be a dealbreaker. He’s tense, unhappy, like he’s waiting for Eren to politely excuse himself over this. And Eren could be insulted that Levi apparently thinks so little of him, but that’s not what this is. It’s not that Levi thinks Eren is so preoccupied with the physical side of things, it’s that Levi thinks it’s a problem with _him_.

“That’s fine,” Eren says, picking his journal back up. “Thank you for telling me. Doesn’t make a difference, though.”

Levi’s pencil snaps in half. He looks up, brows raised in quiet shock. “What?”

Eren shrugs. “I can’t imagine what you must have seen. I can understand exactly why you wouldn’t want anything to do with it. And that’s fine. Makes no difference to me. I’m not here for that, I told you. I’m here because I love you. And whatever parts of you I’m allowed to have.”

Levi looks like he doesn’t quite know what to make of that statement. “...You’d be fine if…?”

“Of course I would. Yes or no, either way, I really don’t care. It’s whatever you’re comfortable with.” Eren picks up one of his spare pencils, holding it up. “Do you need a replacement?”

Levi huffs, shoving the remaining forms away from himself. “No, I’m sick of this now. Can’t concentrate anyway.”

“Want to go for a ride?”

Levi’s shoulders finally ease from their tense hunch up by his ears. “Yeah. Sounds good.”

* * *

Erwin is present for Eren’s next few training sessions, which puts Levi on edge and when Levi is on edge, so is Eren. The only reprieve they get, the only saving grace in the tense atmosphere the Commander’s presence inspires, is Hanji, who seems completely unbothered by Erwin’s appearance and continues on with their barrage of questions like there’s nothing important the Commander could possibly want.

Eren manages to shift, manifests a full fifteen meter titan even through his trepidation, but even in his titan form his unease doesn’t abate. It makes him nervous, anxious, to have Erwin present, to have icy eyes watching his every move, but he’s desperate to prove himself so he tries to focus on Hanji rather than his ineffable Commander and the tense cut of Levi’s jaw.

“Perfect!” Hanji cries as the steam from Eren’s transformation abates. “Now the combat drills, just like we practiced!”

Eren moves the titan body through the familiar motions, fists raised defensively, light on the balls of his feet as he punches, counters, dodges around invisible enemies, displaying the full range of his ability as a titan. Hanji and the Levi Squad dart around him on their gear as he moves, firing anchors into his flesh, using him as their leverage and focal point. It had been Petra’s idea to use Eren’s first as an anchor point for their gear out past wall Ross, had mentioned it in passing that having Eren nearby would give them greater manoeuvrability when traversing the flat plains between Rose and Maria, and now that Eren can keep control of his titan without incident, he’s comfortable letting the others close to him.

Levi Squad, with Eren in their ranks, are as prepared as they’re going to get for the upcoming expedition.

It’s only a few short weeks away now. Levi told Eren that not two days ago, expression tight with disapproval. Erwin’s impatience has reached its end and for whatever reason, Levi can no longer push back. Eren suspects there's something they aren’t telling him, which he understands, given the importance of the expedition itself, but he wishes Levi would talk to him, if only because then Eren would be able to offer some sort of reassurance. All he can really do now is sit quietly at Levi’s side as he does every afternoon after their training sessions, offering comfort in the form of his company, and hope that Levi understands that there is nothing Eren wouldn’t do to ease his burden.

Eren knows they’ll be using him as bait to draw out whoever it was that slaughtered Hanji’s titans. He doesn’t mind, he knows that there is something so much larger at work here, a game he’s a player in though he doesn’t know the rules. The one among them who has any idea of the moves they need to make, the only one with even the smallest scrap of knowledge regarding their perceived enemy, is Erwin. And as much as Eren doesn’t particularly _like_ the man, he’s at least willing to trust that his goal and Erwin’s match up for the time being.

They both want the titans eradicated. They both want to leave the walls.

It’s a tenuous alliance, but for now it will hold.

“Eren, hands!”

Eren spreads his palms a half second before Isabel comes to land lightly in the center of them, beaming up at him with red cheeks. Beside her, Petra alights, panting a little from exertion. Eren chuffs, raising his hands closer to his face so he can see them better.

“You good?” Isabel asks, stretching up to pat his cheek. He grunts and nudges his face against her palm, ears drooping. “Yeah, figured as much. Don’t worry, though. It’s all going to be okay. Couple of weeks and we’ll have a route to wall Maria and hopefully a couple of traitors to interrogate.”

Yes, that’s the plan. Erwin wants to draw the suspected interlopers out into the open and he’s planning on using Eren to do it. Armin, as always, had been correct. Not that Eren had ever doubted him, but he can’t say he’s pleased about it.

“Using a titan to catch a titan,” Petra muses thoughtfully. “That’s definitely Erwin’s particular brand of insane. Crazy enough to concern everyone but just mad enough to work.” She shakes her head. “I’m glad you’ll be with us, though. I’ll feel a lot better about the whole thing if we can keep an eye on you.”

Eren rumbles a tacit sound of agreement. His place in the formation is unconfirmed, at least to everyone outside of Levi Squad. It’s concerning that Erwin believes the scouts to be untrustworthy, but until they figure out who among them is the traitor, they won’t be able to rest easy. Eren has no clue who it might be, none of them do, which is what has them so uneasy.

“Eren!” He looks down towards the shout, sees Hanji waving their hands. “Out you come now!”

Isabel and Petra alight from his palms and Eren begins the laborious, painful process of peeling himself out of his titan. It’s a lot tricker with his 3DM gear strapped to his legs, but Hanji wants him to be able to get in and out of the titan while geared up, so he’s been working on overcoming that particular hurdle for the past few sessions. He can manage it, though not without difficulty, but now when he exits his titan he no longer needs to be caught and steadied by the others and can lower himself to the ground without intervention. He still feels dizzy and tired after every change, but it’s so much easier than it was.

“Excellent work!” Hanji says, striding over to clap Eren on the shoulder. “You've made so much progress, you should be proud!”

“Thanks,” Eren says with a smile, taking the offered canteen from Isabel with a murmur of thanks and downing the whole thing in one. “What’s the Commander saying to the Captain?”

“Just finalising some details regarding the expedition,” Hanji says with a dismissive wave. “Don’t worry about it. All you need to worry about is staying with your squad and transforming _only_ when absolutely necessary.”

After all this and they might not even need Eren to change at all? “Then what was the point in all this training? Why was Erwin so desperate to push me harder?”

“Because it’s highly likely that you’ll have to transform to save your life,” Hanji says seriously. “We’re working against too many unknown variables here. As much as your squad are skilled, what we don’t know could get everyone killed. Better that you’re prepared for the worst than not. But the longer you can put off transforming, the better for us. We need you to appear unskilled. Do you understand?”

It makes a warped sort of sense, yeah. If Eren is seen as untrained by their unknown adversaries, then it gives them a gambit, gives them the upper hand. If Eren doesn’t transform, if he sticks to his gear, then whoever they’re baiting might think he hasn’t been able to harness the power at all. They’ll think he’s an easy target and drop their guard.

It’s a risk, but none of this was ever going to be anything else.

“Head back for now,” Hanji says to Isabel and Petra. “I think we’re done for the day.” The girls nod and salute before heading back over to the rest of the squad. Eren debates following them, but he doesn’t really want to abandon Levi to Erwin without at least some back up. Especially considering Levi’s expression is darkening by the minute.

Decision made, Eren jogs over, Hanji right behind him.

“Well done, Eren,” Erwin says as they approach, charming smile in place once more. “You’ve made a lot of progress, I see.”

“Thank you, Sir,” Eren says, saluting. “It’s mainly thanks to section commander Hanji and Captain Levi, though.”

“Don’t sell yourself short,” Hanji says, ruffling his hair, hissing when they get burned _again_. “How is the top of your head so hot?!”

“It’s all over,” Eren says, laughing. “How have you not learned this yet?”

“Because it’s all just so fascinating! Your cheeks aren’t even red but you’re chucking off more heat than a furnace!”

“Are we done?” Levi asks flatly.

“I’d like to take just a moment more of your time, if you’ll permit me,” Erwin says. “Eren, Hanji, you may go.”

Shit. Well, Eren can’t exactly argue, can he? He glances at Levi, at the anger hidden in the harsh line of his jaw, and can’t do anything to help. Not now, not with Erwin standing right there. Any comfort he tries to offer will have to be later, in private, where Levi can accept it without the fear of being observed.

“Come on, Eren,” Hanji says cheerily. “You must be hungry. I wonder what they’re serving for dinner today.”

“It’s stew, section commander. It’s literally always stew.”

“Oh, right.” Hanji visibly deflates. “Well, that’ll do! Commander, Captain.” They salute and whistle for their horse, the gelding trotting over obediently. Horse has far less decorum, bounding over the moment Eren calls for him and headbutting his shoulder affectionately.

“Fine horse,” Erwin comments with some interest. “Did you choose him?”

Suspicion coils in Eren’s gut as he hauls himself into Horse’s saddle. “Actually, it was more like he chose me.” He pats Horse’s neck affectionately. “Captain, Commander.” He nods to each of them in turn, quietly and pettily pleased by his relatively inconsequential slight by naming Levi first, but he has to take what he can get. There’s not a lot he can do to communicate his dissatisfaction with Erwin that won’t get him a disciplinary, so this will have to do.

He and Hanji leave the two men behind, easing into a steady canter back towards HQ. Once they’re a fair distance away, Hanji slows their horse, turning to Eren with an assessing expression on their face. “You don’t like the Commander much, then.”

“It’s not that I dislike him,” Eren says carefully. “I just… Don’t like him. Okay, yeah, you’ve got me. He just… I don’t know, rubs me the wrong way.”

“You wouldn’t be the first to feel that way,” Hanji says diplomatically. “And I’m sure Levi would agree with you.”

Yeah, he would. Levi trusts the Commander, that much is true, but any further than that, they tend to butt heads quite often. Both of them are stubborn, immovable, which causes a lot of friction. But so far Levi’s not openly disobeyed an order from his Commander, though the line does tend to blur a little where Eren is concerned.

He’s not too upset about that fact.

“Of all things Levi could be written up for, I didn’t think favouritism would be very high up on the list,” Hanji says with some amusement. Eren glances at them, alarmed, but they just grin knowingly at him. “Nothing formal, don’t look so worried. Levi just tends to argue a little more intently than he would do if you weren’t involved. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s causing a little bit of an issue among the higher ups.”

“I don’t want that,” Eren says, frowning.

“It’s not your fault, don’t be silly. As much as Levi may seem a little rough around the edges, he does actually know what he’s doing. He proved himself invaluable about three expeditions in, so Erwin grants him more leniency than he would any other officer. And so far Levi’s never really used that leniency to his advantage. It’s quite funny that the one time he does, Erwin’s annoyed about it.”

“You make it sound like Levi goes around breaking rules,” Eren says. “Far as I know, he’s never done that.”

Hanji hums. “He hasn’t, really. But he does tend to mouth off a bit if he thinks Erwin’s pushing too far. You weren’t here at the beginning, when Levi and the others had just joined. It was _tense_ , let me just say. Argued against every call Erwin made out in the field, pushed back against every order. It was wild. He calmed down a bit after he saw that Erwin’s not just all bark and no bite. Once you’ve ridden out with him, your opinion will change, I assure you.”

Yeah, Eren doesn’t really doubt that. It’s all well and good making judgements while they’re safe, but once they’re tested, once Eren is out there in titan country, he’ll probably view Erwin with a different outlook. Now, though, it’s difficult to see past his immovable tenacity. Especially when all it seems to be doing of late is stressing Levi out.

“You make an odd pair,” Hanji says all of a sudden. At Eren’s puzzled look they grin widely. “You and Levi, I mean. Unlikely friends. Makes sense, though. He never struck me as the personable type, but the day I met him, he told me about you.”

“He did?” Eren asks, surprised.

“Oh, yeah. He was pretty sore about the whole Lovoff scenario. Let Erwin fucking have it, too. I was eavesdropping.” They don’t even look the slightest bit ashamed of that admission. “He’s very protective of the people he cares about.”

Eren smiles faintly. “Yeah, he is. You’re on that list, too, you know. Levi wouldn’t give you half as much shit if he didn’t like you.”

“Oh, I know,” Hanji grins. “And I like him, too. Not just because he’s a skilled titan-killer, but because for all his…”

“Inherent grouchiness?”

“Yes, that. For all his inherent grouchiness, there's a lot of heart inside him. For someone with such a… difficult background, he’s got a faultless moral compass.”

“You think?” Eren would disagree. Levi’s not a bad person, not at all, but it’s difficult to separate things into black and white where Levi is concerned.

“Of course. Spins in whatever direction suits the current scenario. Flexible. I like that.”

See, that makes more sense. “Yeah, I’d agree with that.”

Hanji hums thoughtfully. “You know, he gave me a letter to send to you if anything happened to him out in the field.”

“He did?”

“Mm. I thought he was in love with you.”

Eren coughs. “Really.”

“Mm. He denied it, though.”

Of course he did. Eren almost smiles. Funny how things turn out, isn’t it? “You’re lucky he didn’t take your head off for that.”

“Oh, he nearly did, don’t get me wrong. But now… Well, I’m starting to wonder if I was right.”

Eren keeps his face carefully blank. The effort it takes is unreal, how the hell does Levi do it? “You’re fishing for information. If you want to know, you should ask him.”

“I would if I thought he’d answer,” Hanji says, pouting. “I’m not really looking to get stabbed, though. But I am curious. You both… Seem different. You trust each other, obviously, but it’s deeper than that, isn’t it? It’s like you… Know each other. Almost better than you know yourselves. I bet you’ll be a vicious team past the walls. I can’t wait to see.”

Probing questions aside, Eren can’t deny that Hanji’s assessment unfurls something warm and pleasant in his chest. He’s been hoping for much the same, that he and Levi would be able to work well when tested. He hopes with everything in him that Hanji is right, that once they pass the walls, he and Levi will be strong enough together to withstand whatever awaits them.

“I’m still not telling you anything,” Eren says. “If you really want to know, talk to Levi.”

“Spoilsport.” Hanji whines.

* * *

It’s become routine now, for Eren to shower after training and grab some food from the dining hall, then retreat to Levi’s quarters for the rest of the afternoon, but something doesn’t feel right today, so he changes things up slightly and dips into the kitchens where he’s greeted by a couple of friendly faces in Sasha and Connie, who are scheduled on dinner duty this week. It’s good to see them and Eren spends a few minutes just chatting with friends he’s missed, talking shop about their training while he eats his own meal to take the edge off the hunger that always follows his change, digging through the rations for something to take up to Levi.

“So how’s it going with you anyway?” Connie asks, dumping far too much onion into the pot simmering over the fire. Sasha beats him round the head with a spoon for his transgression. “OW, back off, crazy woman! It’s just onion!”

“I have a system!” Sasha barks. “You can’t just throw shit in there!” Eren laughs, helping himself to an apple from the pile on the table. “But yeah, how are things going, Eren? Scouts pushing you hard?”

“Nah, not really,” Eren says through his mouthful. “Probably not as hard as they’re running you.”

“Yeah, but we can’t turn into titans,” Connie says. “Which I haven’t mentioned yet, is fucking _weird,_ man.”

“Yeah, you think?” Eren says. “How do you think I feel?”

“I’m just saying.” He squawks and ducks away from Sasha’s spoon. “Goddamn it, woman!”

“Rather you than us, though,” Sasha says, turning to fish the entire onion out of the pot. “I don’t think I could handle that much time around Levi. He’s always terrified me.”

Hilarious. “Really?”

“Yeah! He always looks so serious. You know he’s, like, the strongest scout that ever lived, right?”

Eren smiles. “I’ve heard the rumour.”

“He wasn’t so bad when we were training with Shadis,” Connie says. “Bit grumpy, but now he’s Captain he can kick your ass for… I don’t know, not polishing your gear buckles right.”

“He’d do that even if he wasn’t Captain,” Sasha points out. “It’s just that now he can get away with it.”

“He always could! The only one who could probably hold up against him in a fight is Mikasa. Maybe Annie, but I’m not sure.”

“I don’t know how you can do it,” Sasha says, shuddering. “I’d be terrified to step a foot wrong where he could see.”

It really shouldn’t be as funny as it is. Yeah, Levi could absolutely kick their asses, but it’s not as though Eren will ever have to worry about that. Levi would break his own arm before he injured Eren again. It took ages for him to get over what happened in that damn courtroom, ages before he’d even speak to Eren properly again, he was so guilty about it.

“I’m not too worried,” Eren says. “We’ve always gotten on.”

“Weird,” Sasha says. “But we’re glad to see you well.” The smile she flashes him dims somewhat. “You’re coming on the next expedition, right?”

“Yeah, ‘course.”

“Are you afraid?”

Eren pauses halfway through his next mouthful of apple. Is he? Yeah, sort of, but probably not for the same reasons Sasha is. He can’t fault the bravery of any of his friends, enlisting in the scouts after what happened in Trost, especially when their mortality is so much more fragile than Eren’s own. He’s lived through a titan fucking swallowing him, lived through the loss of two limbs, so he’s not worried about himself. He’s worried about his comrades, about Levi Squad, about the friends riding out and the comrades that will be with them.

“Sort of,” Eren hedges. “I think it’s normal to be scared, though. I mean… We’ve seen what titans can do.” He thinks of Marco, of Thomas and Mina and all the other members of the 104th that they lost, and sighs. “You guys are real brave, you know that?”

“Or just stupid,” Connie mutters. “Don’t ask me why we enlisted, but it… I guess it just felt like the right thing to do.”

“You’re in the left wing, right?” Sasha says, patting Connie’s shoulder in absent comfort.

No, Eren will be in the center, but no one else can know that. “Yeah, that’s what they tell me.”

“Well, keep an eye out, yeah? I’d feel a lot better about the expedition if I knew I had a friendly titan watching my six.”

Eren smiles thinly. “Is that all I am now? A friendly titan?”

Sasha looks horrified. “No, you know that’s not what I meant!”

“Do I?”

“Yes! I just… You know, it’s reassuring to have that kind of power on our side.”

Eren knows what she means, it just… It stings a little. Sasha and Connie, Jean and the others, they _know_ Eren, have done for years, and he can’t stomach the fact that they might see him as just a titan now. Because yeah, Eren might be one, but for the majority of his life, he’s been human, hasn’t he? He felt human, looked human… Just because in the past few weeks it’s come to light that he’s not as human as he appears at first glance… That doesn’t overwrite everything he’s done, does it?

“Here,” Connie says, dumbing a basket into Eren’s arms. “Reparations for Sasha and her stupid mouth.”

Eren glances down. Fruit, bread, cheese… Even a bottle of honey mead. Well, well. “You know you could get slaughtered by the Commander for giving me this.”

“I’m banking on you using your good standing with the Captain to make sure that doesn’t happen,” Connie says, eyebrows raising pointedly. “Besides, everyone on kitchen duty knows you get extra portions. We’ve been warned on pain of death to make sure you eat as much as you need. You can thank Doctor Mariska for that.”

Eren grins. “She’s terrifying, isn’t she?”

“Eren, literally every scout is some kind of terrifying. I think it’s the desired criteria for all section commanders.”

“Yeah, I can’t argue with that. Hanji’s not so bad, though.”

“They’re literally the scariest! I have nightmares about them coming after me with a scalpel! Why are you friends with all these terrifying people?!”

“Because having scary people on your side is better than having scary people against you,” Eren says. “Simple logic.”

“Oh, that’s genius,” Connie says. “Eren, you’re a goddamn visionary.”

“I know, I know. Now pass me that jar of raspberry jam.” Connie pops the jar into the basket and Eren thanks the both of them before slipping out of the kitchens, precious cargo tucked safely under his arm. If he’s right, Levi’s going to be absolutely seething when Erwin finally dismisses him, so he hopes that this gesture will go some way towards easing his anger. Distraction isn’t usually the best tool, especially not in Eren’s case who likes to agonise over things until his head feels like it’s going to explode, but he has to work with what Levi is willing to allow, and talking things out isn’t really something Levi enjoys doing.

So, distraction it is. Hopefully the food will help.

Levi’s still not back when Eren slips into his quarters, so he puts the basket down on the desk and sets a pot of tea brewing over the hearth; silver needle because it’s Levi’s favourite. He considers the best way to set the food out, ends up dragging a spare chair from his own room down the hall into Levi’s to set it up on the other side of the desk because Levi won’t let food anywhere near his bed. Something about crumbs but Eren doesn’t remember the conversation exactly because Levi had looked so offended by the notion that he’d started laughing.

So desk it is. Eren unpacks plates and napkins, knives for the jam and the bread and cheese, uncorks the bottle of mead and gives it a tentative sniff. Warm and rich, hopefully Levi will like it. If not, there’s always tea, so Eren’s not unduly concerned. His biggest fear is that Levi’s going to be in such a bad mood when he gets back that he’ll kick Eren out, but if that happens then Eren will deal with it and at least he’s brought food to make sure Levi’s eaten something once he’s calmed down.

His pulse still hammers when the door opens though, and he spins round, trying to plaster a reassuring smile on his face in the hopes it will disarm some of Levi’s anger. And it does, thankfully, Levi’s deep set frown eases into surprise, though the tension doesn’t disappear completely.

“What…?”

“Seemed like today was rough for you,” Eren says. “Seemed like the dining hall might be a bit too much to handle tonight.”

Levi glances from Eren’s face to the desk covered with food, to the pot of tea gently steaming by the hearth, then back to Eren’s face again. Slowly, the tense skin around his eyes relaxes and the harsh clench of his jaw softens. Eren’s smile warms into something less uncertain and more genuine at the sight of Levi relaxed.

“Sounds good,” Levi says gruffly. “I’m going to shower, first.”

“Sure, I’ll wait. Sasha and Connie were on kitchen duty so I’ve already had something, don’t worry about that.”

“Good.” Levi goes to move past him for the washroom, pausing for a moment like he wants something he’s unsure of how to ask for.

Isn’t it good that Eren can speak Levi so fluently?

“May I?” He asks, holding his arms out. Levi sighs softly, a small, relieved sound, and steps into Eren’s arms.


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I intend to write Levi as Demi originally? No. Did the concept smack me in the face halfway through plotting this fic out and make SO MUCH SENSE? Yes.
> 
> (I’m gonna be honest with you, I went into this fic with a vague concept and a hell of a lot of hubris. I am, for the most part, improvising madly. But I’m a theatre kid, so improve is my jam.)

How Eren hasn’t figured out yet that Levi’s not about to turn him away, Levi doesn’t quite know. He’s never given even the slightest indication that Eren’s presence isn’t wanted, but maybe it’s because Levi hasn’t really… Given any overt or vocal indication to the contrary either. Except he has, though, in his own way. And Eren at least seems able to interpret that correctly, given that he keeps coming back, keeps turning up in Levi’s quarters with tea and food and… That relentlessly sweet smile.

“You shouldn’t be running around the castle right after your training,” Levi chides him when he settles down at the desk after his shower, less tense know that he’s clean and sitting opposite the one person that doesn’t irritate him beyond all reason. Eren rolls his eyes and Levi swats him and Eren laughs and it’s all so fucking _nice_. Levi hates it. This was never meant for him. But he fucking _craves_ it so he’s going to fucking keep taking it anyway.

“Oh, relax, I’m fine,” Eren says, tucking a leg up underneath him on his chair and cutting off a chunk of cheese from the entire block he’s somehow managed to pilfer from the kitchens without incident. “Don’t look at me like that, I really am okay.”

“I know.” Curiously, Levi picks up the bottle left inside the basket, turning it to read the label. “Where the fuck did you get a bottle of honey mead from?”

“Connie gave it to me. Like I said, he and Sasha were on kitchen duty. Apparently they’re under strict orders to make sure I’m fed. So it wasn’t really difficult to nab some food for us.” Eren grins. “I don’t really feel bad about it considering you’re in charge of requisition orders and you probably want to piss Erwin off right now.”

Levi scowls. “Don’t start. I could chew glass right now.”

“Mm, maybe don’t?” Eren nudges a plate of fruit towards him. “Chew this, much more pleasant. The grapes are really sweet.”

“You…” Come on, the words aren’t that hard, he can do this, he _can_. “...This is…”

“You’re welcome,” Eren says, tossing a grape up and catching it in his mouth. “And I love you, too. Don’t hurt yourself, just eat.” Levi smiles faintly. Eren beams at him, full force and blinding. This really isn’t fair.

“You didn’t have to do this.”

“Wanted to. _Eat.”_

Levi does, far hungrier than he’d thought he was. He gets preoccupied when Eren’s training, focuses too hard on what the kid’s doing, how tired he is after every shift, agonising over every little thing that could go wrong, so he forgets. Couple that with the fact that Erwin’s skulking around like a bad smell and Levi’s so far beyond stressed it’s not even funny. Worse, now that Eren can change twice in a row and stay standing, Erwin’s cemented the date for the expedition and he won’t be swayed.

Two weeks. They have two weeks. Two weeks for Levi to ensure Eren’s as prepared as he’s going to get, to make sure Isabel and Petra and the others in his squad are ready and prepared, to make sure Armin and Mikasa are geared up and ready. To make sure the rest of the section commanders know just enough to keep themselves alive, but no more in case it’s them that Erwin doesn’t trust.

Two weeks, and Eren will be riding out past wall Rose, into titan country, into the arms of enemies Levi has no idea how to guard against.

Two fucking weeks.

That’s all.

“Eren,” Levi says, drawing the kids attention away from his food to Levi’s face. His eyes are wide, open, and Levi’s stomach twists painfully at the sight of it. “The expedition.”

Eren nods. “Yeah. Two weeks, right?”

Levi nods. “You stay close, okay? I don’t give a fuck how bad you want to down titans, I don’t care how angry you get. You stay close and you do as you’re fucking told or I swear to god, titans will be the least of your worries.”

It’s not what he wants to say, not at all, but it’s all he knows how to say. Eren, though his brow furrows, doesn’t argue. “Right. And don’t change unless my life is in danger, I get it.”

“No,” Levi says. “Eren, the moment we pass that gate, your life is going to be in danger. All of our lives will be, that’s what it means to ride out there. The long-distance formation keeps us as safe as it’s possible to get, but we’re only as good as the scouts we ride out with. You’ll be with my team, the safest you can possibly be, but shit out there is unpredictable. Couple that with the fact that we don’t know what…” He gestures vaguely. “We don’t know what our enemies are planning. You’re going to be a target the moment we ride out.”

“That was always the plan, though, wasn’t it? Using me to draw out the enemy.”

Yes and Levi hates it with every fibre of his being. “Eren, if you think for a moment that you need to shift to save your life, I don’t care if it’s because your fucking horse stepped on a twig and spooked you, I want you to shift. The fucking _second_ you get even the slightest feeling that something is off, I want you to change and I want you to run.”

Eren looks back at him, silent for a long moment. “You know I won’t do that.”

Levi scowls. “Yes, you fucking will. This isn’t me asking as your… This isn’t _me_ asking. This is your Captain giving you a direct order.”

“I’d obey if I thought that it was,” Eren says quietly. “You know I would. But it’s not, though, is it? You’re saying that because you’re scared.”

Fuck him. Fuck him for knowing. Fuck him for being able to see right through the shit Levi’s been able to throw up to block everyone else. “This isn’t about me.”

“I’m not saying it is.” Eren leans forward, resting his elbows on the table. “But if you weren’t scared, you’d be telling me to stay in formation and follow the plan. It’s a good plan and you know it. You’re only telling me to shift because you’re scared something’s going to happen to me.”

“Fuck you,” Levi snaps. He expects Eren to glare, to snap back at him, to cuss him out the way Levi deserves, but he doesn’t. Eren just sighs, smiles faintly like he’d been expecting this, and snaps off a couple of grapes from the bunch to pop in his mouth.

“It’s alright,” he says after a moment. “I’m scared, too. But I trust you. I trust Isabel and Petra and Eld and Oruo and Gunther. I trust our team. And I trust that Erwin knows what he’s doing, as much as he pisses me off. I’m going to follow orders and I’m going to stay safe to the best of my ability. _If_ something does go wrong… I’m going to fight beside my comrades, beside you. And it’s selfish of you to tell me not to.”

Levi wants to upend the entire fucking table, to shatter wood and throw things and rage against the logic Eren is spewing like he knows best. “I don’t know what’s going to happen,” is what Levi says instead of any of the things he wants to do. “And I can’t be sure I’m strong enough to keep you safe. Look what happened to Farlan.”

“On your first expedition,” Eren counters. “With fog and rain and a group of comrades you didn’t trust and abnormal on top of all that. I’ve heard the story, I know how it went. You’ve been a scout for years now. Longer than most. You’ve always been a survivor. Both you and Isabel have. Me, too. You know that. And I’m…” He smiles faintly. “More resilient than most.”

He’s right, but nothing is going to ease Levi’s fear right now. Fear he’s not prepared to deal with, fear he’s never felt, fear he can’t fucking handle. All because of one idiot with bright eyes and a sunny smile. Is this what it’s like when Isabel and Petra ride out together? Levi should ask her. Maybe she’ll have some fucking tips.

“I know that you want me safe,” Eren says, eyes crinkling at the edges when he smiles. “I want you safe, too. But… Don’t ask me to run. Not when I know I could fight beside you. You know that’s all I wanted? After you left I kept thinking about it. The chance to fight titans beside you. I thought… Well, I knew you’d be good at it. And I wanted to watch you do it, wanted to see for myself what it was like when you let loose. And yeah, I’m terrified about what’ll happen out there, but it was always going to be a risk, you know? I’ll feel better, though, having you and the squad nearby. You can’t shy away from it just because you want me safe. You _do_ have a duty, Levi.”

“ _Fuck_ my duty,” Levi mutters darkly, but Eren’s fucking right and he knows it. “When the hell did you get so fucking rational?”

“Not a clue,” Eren says, laughing. “Maybe it’s a balance thing? Like whichever one of us freaks out, the other one stays calm?”

It’s a nice thought. A really nice thought, actually. “I… You do know, right?”

Eren’s smile is unbearably soft. “I know. Me, too.” He kneels up in his chair, leaning over the desk and tilting Levi’s face up with a gentle finger under his chin. His lips brush softly over Levi’s, just for a moment, and Levi lets the action comfort him as much as it can.

Eren has yet to kiss him the way he had in the stable and Levi… Isn’t quite sure how to ask for that. He wants Eren to kiss him, to force every other fucking thought from his mind until all he can think about is the way Eren tastes, how he feels in Levi’s arms, but then he gets too freaked out by the force of his own desire and pushes it down.

Better to let things progress as they are. Levi’s twisted up enough as it is without adding the rest of it to the fucking pile.

He needs to talk to Isabel. He needs to talk to Farlan.

But right now…

Well, it can wait, for the moment.

* * *

Isabel is never too difficult to pin down. She’s always either out on the training circuit or in the dining hall and if she’s in neither of those two places and Petra cannot be found, then Levi knows to stay the fuck away from Isabel’s quarters for his own sanity and peace of mind. Thankfully she’s not holed away doing god knows what, she’s down in the training circuit with Eld and Mikasa, a rather odd combination of people, but that means Levi can steal her away without much issue.

“Everything okay?” She asks when Eld and Mikasa move off to give them some privacy. “If this is about what happened to the latrines in the east wing, that had nothing to do with me.”

“No, it’s…” Levi frowns. “What happened to the latrines in the east wing?”

“Oh, a couple of the newbies wanted to drop a firecracker down one and see what would happen. I caught them and confiscated them.”

“Oh, well-”

“But then I also wanted to see what would happen. So the latrines are cordoned off right now. Go figure!”

“...So it did have something to do with you.”

“You can’t prove anything.” Isabel grins at him. “Anyway, we’re talking about you! I mean, I assume. You’ve got a face like a smacked backside so I assume there’s something wrong. Though anything’s possible with you, I guess.”

“This conversation never happened,” Levi says. Isabel nods, mimes zipping her mouth shut, and looks at him expectantly. “You… And Petra.”

“Are… Like, have you only just noticed?”

Levi kicks her in the shin. “Shut up. I wanted to ask… When we ride out. When you ride out with her… How did you…?” He sighs. “How do you stop yourself from ripping your hair out? How can you let her… How can you cope with that?”

“Oh,” Isabel says, eyes widening. “Oh, you mean- Right. Oh, Levi.” Sympathy flickers across her expression, only for a moment, before she schools it away. She knows Levi doesn’t take kindly to sympathy, after all, so she knows better than to linger on it. “Well, I mean… There were only the two expeditions we went on after we’d… So it’s not like I’ve got much practice with it. Maybe you could ask Hanji and Moblit?”

Levi blinks. “That’s a _thing?”_

“Oh, wow,” Isabel says. “Why don’t your eyes work?”

“Just because I don’t concern myself with that kind of bullshit-”

“You literally had no idea, did you?”

“...No.” Levi huffs. _”Irrelevant._ I’m not fucking asking anyone else. It took too much to even ask you.”

“I know,” Isabel says. “And… I wish I had better advice for you. But you never really know what’s going to happen out there, so you can’t really prepare yourself. I trust Petra’s skill as a soldier, I trust her instincts and her ability to stay as safe as she can. And if anything ever does happen… I take comfort in the fact that I enjoyed the time we had together, while we had it.”

That’s a grim fucking outlook at the same time it’s almost sickeningly hopeful. “I don’t know if I can do that.”

“Well, I mean…” Isabel shrugs. “What do you and Eren do? Just sit around talking?”

“...Yeah?”

“Oh.” Isabel grins. “Is that all?”

Levi kicks her again. “It’s enough.”

“Ow. Dickhead.” She punches him in the arm. “Well, there you go. Enjoy the time you get with him and focus on the fact that your boyfriend can literally turn into a fifteen meter titan and regrow whatever limbs he loses. I feel like you’ve got a better hand than the rest of us.”

“Maybe. We don’t know exactly how far the healing ability goes, though. I’m not keen on testing it, either.”

“Then just trust him,” Isabel says like that’s simple. “He’s got keen instincts, you know that. Just trust that you can keep each other safe, it shit goes south. That, and the rest of us will be there to look out for him. You’re not going out there alone.”

“I know… Thanks.”

“Anytime.” She softens, smiling. “I’m really happy for you, you know.”

“Yeah, you mentioned.”

“No, I mean it,” she insists. “I was so worried you’d get all… You know, _you_ about it. What even happened, anyway? I haven’t been able to get the story out of Eren and _god_ knows I’ve tried.”

Part of Levi wants to keep it private, but he knows Isabel will appreciate the story, not just because she’s always been nosy, but because she’ll understand better than most exactly what it was that forced Levi’s hand. “He… We spoke about my mother. I described what I could remember and he… Drew her.”

Isabel’s eyes blow so wide it’s almost comical, like they’ll pop out of her head if she’s not careful. “Oh my god.”

“Yeah. I… Kissed him. Didn’t really know what else to do.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Isabel says, holding her hands up. “ _You_ made the first move?”

Levi shifts uncomfortably. “Technically, I suppose.”

“Holy shit!” Isabel cackles. “What did he do?!”

“He…” Levi sighs, lips twitching. After the fact he does have to admit that it was actually a little bit funny. “He was… Well, he ran.”

“He…”

“Mm. Vaulted the stall door and fucking legged it. Came and found me in the oratory, though. He was a bit shocked, is all.”

“Yeah, I can’t fucking blame him. I think my head would’ve fallen off if I were him.”

Levi smiles faintly. “No, I can’t blame him. It’s… Different. I don’t really know what I was expecting, but… Why are you looking at me like that?”

Isabel’s eyes have narrowed suspiciously. “Who the fuck are you and what have you done with Levi?”

Levi huffs a quiet laugh. “Why would you want him back? I think I prefer this Levi to the old one.”

Isabel grins. “You know what? I think I do, too.” She shakes her head. “Never thought this day would come.” She mimes wiping a tear away from her eyes. “I’m so proud.”

“Alright, cut it-”

“Are you being safe? Do we need to have the talk about the birds and the bees?”

“I’m leaving,” Levi says, turning right the fuck around. “I hate you and I’m leaving.”

“Farlan’s in the Pit if you want some tips!” She calls after him, cackling like a lunatic.

“Get fucked!” Levi yells over his shoulder, absolutely _hating_ the fact that the Pit is his next destination. But Isabel doesn’t fucking need to know that. But for all the shit she gives him, he’s grateful. She loves to mock him, to tease him and ridicule him, but when it matters, there’s no one else he’d rather have in his corner.

Farlan is another matter entirely. If Levi isn’t careful, this conversation has the potential to go very, very badly. And by “badly” he means that Farlan’s going to end up with multiple broken bones if he runs his mouth. Better that Levi make it clear early on that Farlan needs to tread carefully if he values the continued existence of a life without multiple fractures and contusions.

He knocks on the Pit door, half expecting a frazzled Hanji to rip the door open, but instead he’s greeted by the mildly nauseated but polite face of Moblit, who smiles when he sees Levi and beckons him inside.

“I’m good,” Levi says and Moblit nods understandingly. “Is Farlan in? Can you send him out, please?”

“Sure, one sec,” Moblit says, disappearing back inside the Pit. After a moment, Farlan comes sidling through the door, a pair of goggles propped up on his forehead and a very strange and acrid scent clinging to his clothes.

“What the fuck is that?” Levi demands, covering his mouth. “That’s fucking atrocious.”

Farlan gives his sleeve a cursory sniff. “Oh, it’s formaldehyde. Hanji spilt a bottle earlier and used my jacket to clean it up. I think they thought it was theirs.”

“It fucking stinks.”

“Yeah, it does a bit.” He doesn’t look bothered in the slightest. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I wanted to talk to you, but I think I’ll come back. You fucking reek.”

“No, no, just give me a sec, these are my Pit clothes. I’ll get changed and meet you in the dining hall?”

Absolutely fucking not. “My quarters. Fifteen minutes.”

Farlan gives him a one-handed salute and slips back into the Pit. Levi hurries back down the hall as quickly as he can without fucking sprinting, suppressing the urge to retch the entire time. Eren’s not hanging around his rooms today, is out with Armin and Jean doing… something that Levi was definitely listening to when Eren told him, but he’d been a bit too preoccupied thinking about this fucking conversation with Farlan to take it in properly.

Regardless, it means he and Farlan will have some privacy while Levi subjects himself to the most embarrassing conversation he’ll likely ever have to endure in his life. He could just… Not do it, but he’s honestly at a bit of a loss. Couple of weeks ago and he would have just written it off, wouldn’t have fucking bothered, but he’s in a bit of a situation right now and he genuinely doesn’t know how to solve this problem alone.

He brews a pot of silver needle to calm his nerves, downs a cup before Farlan even arrives, then takes to pacing his room like a madman to try and work out some of the restless energy that feels like it’s been steadily brewing since Eren backed him into the wall down in the stables. It’s almost funny; Eren is the problem and, as always, Eren will likely be the solution but Levi doesn’t currently possess the wherewithal to connect the two together.

“Okay,” Farlan says, slipping into Levi’s room and putting a merciful end to Levi’s frantic pacing. “I’m here and I no longer smell like embalming fluid.”

“I… I genuinely do not want to ask, but…”

“I’m not going to tell you.”

“Oh, thank god.” Levi sinks down into the chair behind his desk, gesturing for Farlan to take the chair Eren normally uses. Levi really should see about getting a couch or something more comfortable to sit in. The bed is… Currently off limits. Eren’s more than welcome to use it when he’s here, likes to sprawl across it while Levi takes the desk and either reads or does paperwork, but sitting on it together is something Levi hasn’t been able to make himself do yet.

Hence why… “You get _one_ mocking remark,” Levi warns him. “ _One_. Otherwise I’ll beat you to death with your own arms, got it?”

“That seems unnecessary,” Farlan says, pouring himself a cup of the silver needle. “You could just rip the prosthetic off and use that.”

“I’ll want the satisfaction of dismembering you myself.”

“Point taken. So this is a proper serious conversation?” He raises the cup, blowing on it and giving it a tentative sip. Predictably, his face screws up and he gags, lowering the cup back down to the desk.

“Yes,” Levi says. “I’m calling in a solid “you owe me”.”

“Ah. And which of the favours does this correspond to?”

“You blurting out Eren’s feelings before either of us were ready and _then_ having the gall to make bets on which one of us would admit it first.”

“Right, right,” Farlan says, not looking nearly as ashamed as he should. “You do realise that if I hadn’t said anything, you two would probably still be sitting on your shit and pining away like a pair of morons.”

“...That’s not the point.”

“Sure,” Farlan says, grinning. “But fine, cash it in. I owe you, yes. What’s the problem?”

Levi laces his fingers together, elbows propped on his desk, chin resting on the backs of his hands. He levels Farlan with his steadiest glare, thinking very carefully about how to word his problem in a way that won’t make him want to rip his own skin off. Failing that, he can always just throw himself out of the window. He could probably survive the landing, even without his gear.

“I,” Levi begins forcefully with a confidence he absolutely does not feel, “have a problem.”

“...Yes,” Farlan says after a brief but uncomfortable pause. “I… Got that. Are you alright?”

“No. Talking about this makes me want to claw my own face off.”

“Oh, Farlan says. “Well, I… _Oh_.” His eyes widen slightly. “Oh. Oh, shit, is this about…?”

For fuck’s _sake_. “Yes.”

“Oh.” Farlan laughs, a high, strangled sound. “And you’ve come to me?”

“Yes.”

“...Why?”

“Isabel, as you can imagine, was not an option.”

“No, fuck, right.” Farlan winces. “Oof, I don’t even want to think- Shit. Okay.” He inhales deeply through his nose. “Okay, uh… What… Do you want… To know?”

“...This was a terrible idea. Get out of my room.”

“No, no, hold on!” Farlan says, holding his hands up. “Look, don’t get all you about it, just… I mean, it’s not… Like, I’m not exactly an… Expert?” He winces. “Alright, yeah, this is probably a terrible idea. Um… I mean, you could maybe talk to Jan? He’ll be here in a few days and he’s so much better at this shit than I am.”

“I’m not fucking talking to Jan about this!” Levi snaps. “I don’t even want to talk to you about it, but I’m so fucking out of my depth here it’s not even funny.”

“Well, maybe you’re not!” Farlan says, somewhat desperately. “I mean, it’s not like Eren knows what he’s doing, is it?”

“...No.”

“See? So you guys can figure it out together like the rest of us had to. There aren’t manuals for this kind of… Oh, no, there are, actually. Hanji’s probably got a couple, do you want them?”

Yes. “Fuck no.” Levi grimaces. “I just… I told him about my mother.”

“Right. Yikes, bit of a mood killer, I suppose.”

“Farlan, I swear to _god_ -”

“Okay, okay!” He laughs, rubbing the back of his neck. “That’s my only joke, I promise. I’m rather attached to my arms, please don’t take them away from me.” He sighs, blowing the breath out slowly so that his cheeks puff out. “I mean… What’s the problem? You don’t have to sweep him off his feet or anything. You can just… Start slow. Ease into it. Or…” He narrows his eyes. “What’s really the problem here?”

Levi scowls. “I don’t... Know if I _can._.. When it came up and I said… What I said. About seeing the other side of shit, he acted like it didn’t matter, but how can it not? And… I fucking hate this. Because before it was never a problem. I was never interested. Not fucking once. And now…”

Farlan sucks his teeth. “He’s really fucking got you, hasn’t he?”

“Fucking- _Yes_. And I don’t know what to do about it.”

Here’s Levi’s fucking problem: his entire life he’s never given a shit one way or the other about sex. It’s messy, it’s gross, it lets someone get way too fucking close to you, and growing up surrounded by the fucking scum of humanity treating workers like his mother less than shit hasn’t exactly given Levi a stellar fucking view of the whole institution. Obviously this was not a problem pre-Eren. Levi took care of his own fucking business whenever he needed to and that was fucking that.

But… Something changed. And Levi has no fucking idea what it is, where it came from, or how to deal with it. All he knows is that something in his fucking perception shifted shortly after he realised that he… Shortly after he realised how much Eren meant to him. And then Levi shot himself in the foot by… Effectively telling Eren that it was a no go. Which means that if anything is ever going to happen, it’s down to Levi to initiate.

Which… _Why_ can’t he ever make anything easy for himself?

“I just.” Levi inhales slowly. Exhales. “There was nothing. Before. Complete dearth of… interest. And now…” He grimaces. “How do you people cope? Is it always like this?”

“I mean, no?” Farlan says. “Though… Y’know, I think Hanji was the same.”

“What?”

“With the, um,” Farlan gestures weakly. “The, uh, all or nothing. We talk a lot, you know, working together. They were telling me about them and Moblit. Just chatting away, you know how they are, absolutely no fucking filter whatsoever.” Levi nods. “Yeah, well. Apparently it wasn’t until after they fell in love with Moblit that all the, uh, intimacy feelings came crashing down. So… Maybe that’s the thing for you, too?”

Levi blinks. “That… Makes a lot of sense. Actually that makes… so much fucking sense.” So, maybe it’s not that Levi _can’t_. Maybe it’s just that there needs to be some kind of… catalyst. Nothing without some sort of attachment first. Which would make sense because until Eren and his fucking smooth moves in the stable, where every part of Levi’s body felt like it was on fucking fire, there hadn’t ever really been… Anything.

“So…” Farlan shrugs. “Have you spoken to him about it?”

“Fuck no.” Levi shudders. “What the fuck would I even say?”

“Well… I mean, pretty much what you told me,” Farlan says unhelpfully. “Like, I know that you’re… the way that you are, but you’ve let Eren into places you haven’t even let me and Isabel, right? There’s probably no one who knows you better. And you know he’d never fucking judge you.”

No, he wouldn’t. He’d listen intently, take in everything Levi struggled to get out, and he’d be so fucking sweet about it the entire time. And then if Levi wanted, they’d… Well.

“You know your ears go pink when you’re embarrassed,” Farlan says with some amusement.

“I’m going to rip your arms off.”

“Well, no, because then who would listen to your ridiculous problems?”

“It’s not fucking ridiculous-”

“No, not on it’s own,” Farlan says, folding his arms. “But you somehow manage to take a relatively small issue and turn it into a fucking behemoth of a mess and then have the fucking stones to act like you have no idea how it happened. If you just fucking talk to him, you can work this out without bothering _me_ about it. I mean, I can help with the… _Technical_ side of things, but your feelings and shit? That’s all Eren’s territory, he can have that gladly.”

“Thanks,” Levi says flatly.

“I’m just saying! The kid has a better read on you than I do and that’s fucking weird to see but I can’t say I’m not happy about it. You’re fucking perfect for each other honestly. But you need to _talk_ to him.” Farlan jabs a finger at him. “When has talking to Eren ever not worked out for you?”

Levi considers this. “Alright, point fucking taken. I’ll fucking _talk_ to him, I guess.”

“Fucking hell, it’s not a death sentence, you absolute mess of repression,” Farlan snaps. “You really just can’t let yourself be happy, can you? You’ve got someone who loves you, someone who loves you back, and you’re sat here agonising over intimacy because, what? Just because you don’t know how to deal with it? None of us do at first! You don’t have to be fucking perfect at it first try. Actually, it’s probably going to be really embarrassing, but you learn as you go.”

That’s… not especially comforting, yet Levi can’t help feeling a little bit reassured by that. He and Eren have managed to muddle their way through things well enough so far. It stands to reason that this shouldn’t be too much of a leap. Levi… wants. And that’s hard to come to terms with but he knows that if he _did_ get the fuck over himself and talk to Eren about it, then… Well, they’d be okay. Just one more thing to figure out. They’ve got a pretty good track record so far.

“And the…'' Levi clears his throat. “The technical side of things?”

“Ah.” Farlan grins and Levi regrets every decision he’s ever made in his fucking life. “Listen well, my pupil. First, you’re going to need oil. A _lot_ of oil.”

This is, without a doubt, the _worst_ fucking idea Levi has ever had in his _life._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for all the shit I put you through, Farlan, but you do kinda deserve this a little bit. Keep your mouth shut in future, ya?


	49. Chapter 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this chapter made me like. Unbearably soft. Like I just... I hate these boys. I hate them so MUCH I want them to be so happy 🥺

Jan arrives on Monday with a small contingent of the scouts still stationed at the main HQ, and Eren and the new recruits have spent most of the weekend converting the east wing store rooms into a barracks to accommodate the increase in their number. He doesn’t mind the work at all, gets to spend time with Jean, Reiner, and the others while they get the pallets and bunks set up in the rooms that Levi had already made them clean when they’d first arrived, so while there’s a lot of manual labour involved, at least Eren doesn’t have to spend hours on his knees scrubbing a good two decades’ worth of grime off the flagstones. Again. It’s good work, though, keeps his mind occupied, and then he gets to meet Jan on Monday and the man is everything and nothing like Eren expected at the same time.

He’s tall, about Farlan’s height, with cropped dark hair and a kind, open face. He walks with a cane, too, which Eren had been expecting since he knew about Jan’s leg, but he’s a lot more mild mannered than Eren was anticipating. Farlan’s by no means the same sort of erratic that Isabel is, but he’s still a bit more… eccentric than his choice in partner would suggest. Jan’s polite and easygoing, greets Eren kindly and shakes his hand, doesn’t seem even the slightest bit bothered by what Eren is though Farlan must certainly have told him.

Levi greets the man with a nod and a brief handshake, then Farlan spirits him away and Levi warns Eren not to go looking for Farlan for at least four hours. Isabel cackles hysterically at the rather nauseated expression on Eren’s face.

The overall atmosphere of the scouts is a tense one, though. With more and more of their number arriving as the days go by, the impending expedition refuses to be ignored. Everyone is on edge, Eren himself is losing more sleep than he’d like to panicked visions of his friends getting eaten alive by marauding titans that look suspiciously similar to his own, and unfortunately there isn’t really anyone who isn’t bothered by the upcoming expedition that he feels comfortable unloading his fears on. There’s Hanji, but as a section commander they’re inundated with preparations for their own squad, as well as whatever Erwin is planning for them when they ride out, so there’s never a good time for Eren to speak to them.

He could go to Levi, but again the man has more responsibility than just Eren’s fears, so it doesn’t seem fair to lay that on him too. He doesn’t want to bother Armin and Mikasa, considering their training is far more intensive than Eren’s own and they’re already run ragged. Isabel’s spending her time with Petra and Eren doesn’t want to interrupt. Eld and Gunther and Oruo are finalising details with Levi so Eren doesn’t want to bother them. Jean, Connie, Sasha, Reiner, Bertholdt, Ymir, Christa, all of them have their own fears to deal with so Eren can’t go to any of them.

He’s a tad stressed about the whole thing, honestly. He’d like to go flying, but they can’t spare the gas. He’d like to go riding, but they can’t spare an escort and he can’t leave the grounds alone. He’s right back where he fucking started, ready to tear his hair out and filled to the fucking brim with restless energy that he has absolutely no fucking outlet for. He’s going to go literally insane and end up snapping before he even gets past the wall. He’s going to-

“Eren.”

Oh no. Anyone but-

“Hello, Commander Erwin, Sir.” Eren forces a smile, lowering his axe and saluting before wiping sweat from his brow with his forearm.

“What are you doing?”

It’s rather obvious, but maybe Erwin’s too smart to figure it out, spends all his time focusing on convoluted problems so the obvious is a mystery to him. “Chopping firewood, Sir. There’s not a lot for me to do at the moment and I wanted to be useful.”

“Productive,” Erwin says approvingly. “Though I’m sure one of the section commanders would have a more appropriate task for you.”

Yes, the section commanders have been filing in steadily as the date of the expedition draws near, but so far none of them seem to know what to make of Eren. That, and he suspects Levi’s had words with them to make sure they steer clear. “Probably, Sir, but this job needed doing so I thought I might as well.”

“Fair enough.” Erwin inclines his head, hands clasped neatly behind his back. “I don’t mean to intrude, but you seemed somewhat distressed and I thought perhaps I could offer a reassuring word.”

Eren’s grip on the axe slips. “That’s- I mean, thank you, Sir, but I’m sure there’s better things you could be doing with your time.”

“Absolutely not,” Erwin says. “The days preceding an expedition are always taxing on my soldiers. I wouldn’t be worthy of my rank if I didn’t tend to the welfare of my men as best I can.”

Eren brings the axe down on the stump, leaving it embedded in the wood so he can turn to Erwin properly. “Is it… always like this?”

“Yes.” Erwin looks troubled by the admission. “Worse, often. Rarely better. The ones who’ve been out before know what they’re riding into. The newest recruits, like yourself and your friends, they have no idea. You saw Trost and Shiganshina so you have more experience than most, but it… Even that can never truly prepare you.”

“Is that meant to help?”

“Probably more than you’d think. Sometimes the greatest reassurance comes from the fact that you aren’t facing fire alone.”

“Yeah… Alright, yeah, that helps a bit.”

“Does it?” Erwin asks. “I’ve never really thought so.”

“Wh- You brought it up!” Eren flushes, remembers exactly who it is he’s speaking to. “Sir.”

Erwin seems to think this is the funniest thing in the world, chuckles rather delicately for a man his size. “Yes, well, you shoulder a heavier burden than most. I thought perhaps the reassurance might be worth something.”

Eren’s far too suspicious to take anything Erwin says at face value. “Thank you. I think.”

“It’s hard to know how to prepare for your first expedition,” Erwin says. “Might I suggest spending some time with your comrades? It helps to know your team as well as possible before bonds are tested by strife.”

“Well… Yeah, I mean. I spend a lot of time with them anyway.”

“I meant all of them,” Erwin says, rather pointedly. “I know that you have people you… have stronger bonds with than others, but it will serve you well to remember that every member of the corps would die for their brothers and sisters without hesitation.”

“I never wanted anyone to die for me,” Eren says, frowning.

“But would you die for them?”

Eren doesn’t even have to think about it. “In a heartbeat.”

Erwin nods, expression one of deep approval. “Then I firmly believe we did well to gain custody of you.”

Nice sentiment, if a bit weird. But Eren’s never really thought that highly of Erwin. A good Commander, sure. A good person? Jury’s still out. Maybe Eren’s opinion will change after the expedition, but for now he’s sure enough in his judgement to know that, whatever it is that motivates the Commander, is probably a bit too convoluted for Eren to follow. Eren’s not stupid, but he’s not like Armin, he’s not always ten steps ahead of anyone else. He can’t trust his powerful intellect to solve problems for him, all he can rely on is gut instinct and experience. And his gut is telling him that Erwin, while his heart is ultimately true, is as deceptive as he is smart.

Eren’s not quite sure what to make of that.

“Eren,” Levi calls, drawing both Eren and the Commander’s attention. His literal saving grace. “With me, please, I have a job for you.”

“Thank you for your time, Eren,” Erwin says. Eren nods and almost forgets to salute before he jogs over to where Levi is waiting, arms folded and expression carefully blank.

_What was that about?_

Eren shakes his head. _No idea_.

Levi just shrugs and gestures for Eren to follow and they fall into step beside each other as Levi leads them through the castle that is now practically teeming with life. It’s irritating Levi to no end, though, the fact that you can barely go five steps without bumping into someone. As much as he respects his comrades, he doesn’t like their presence, so for the past few days, he’s become practically nocturnal out of a desire to avoid as many people as possible.

Eren, of course, is exempt from that desire.

“So what’s the job?”

“Glad you asked,” Levi says, sounding anything but. “I’m going fucking insane and you owe me one.”

“Right,” Eren says, amused. “I didn’t realise we were operating on a favour system. If you wanted me to distract you, you could’ve just said so.”

Levi considers this. “Right. I forget.”

“Uh-huh.” Eren shakes his head fondly. “Also what the hell do I owe you for? Far as I’m aware, we’re even.”

“Force of habit. I’ve been cashing in a lot of favours lately.”

“Any particular reason?”

“Yeah, my brain doesn’t fucking work. I’ve been… getting some help.” That… explains literally nothing. Eren tells him as much and Levi’s eyes crinkle slightly with amusement. “Probably not. Just trust me when I say I had a horrific conversation with Farlan on Saturday and I’m still recovering.”

“Oh, yikes. What about? You don’t have to tell me, but it might help?”

“I’ll get there eventually.”

Oof, must’ve been rough, then, if Levi’s willing to talk about it. And that’s weird, but that’s Levi. If something actually genuinely bothers him, inevitably Eren will hear about it, because as much as Levi is naturally reticent and laconic, he does so love to complain. Isabel calls it his “gossipy little bitch” tendency, albeit fondly, and Eren is inclined to agree.

In politer terms, naturally.

“You said you’re going insane?”

“Mm, batshit,” Levi says, smiling faintly when Eren laughs. “Don’t, it’s not funny. I’m up to my fucking eyeballs in preparation for this fucking expedition. With all the shit going on I think everyone’s forgotten that I’ve not actually been a Captain for that long.”

“Oh, that’s right,” Eren says. “You were made Captain just before you came back, right?”

“Literally about five hours before I saw you again, yeah.”

“So this’ll be your first expedition as a Captain.”

“Mm.”

“Stressed?”

Levi glances at him. “Do I look it?”

“Literally always, yeah.” Levi snorts at that, sticks his leg out to trip Eren because he’s a dickhead and Eren adores him so much but he still shoves Levi in retaliation, dodging when Levi swats at him.

“It’s not too bad,” Levi says. “Just… They think I have more answers than I do.”

Eren can understand that. “I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

Levi gives him a _look_. “No. It won’t. But as always, some of them will die and those that survive will get to do this all over again next month. And so on and so forth.”

“Grim,” Eren says.

“Yeah. You signed up for this, remember?”

“Technically I didn’t actually get a choice in the end.”

“Oh, fuck off,” Levi snaps. “I’m trying so hard not to think about that.”

“Sorry. If it helps, you know I’d’ve chosen it anyway.”

“It does not.”

“Noted.”

Levi doesn’t look mollified in the slightest, but Eren hadn’t really expected him to. Since Levi’s semi-outburst of last week, when he’d tried to convince Eren to cut and run the moment things got dicey, they’ve not broached the subject again. This is part of the reason Eren doesn’t want to bother Levi with the troubles that have started keeping him up at night. He knows Levi’s stretched thin as it is, worrying for Isabel, for Petra, for his squad, his comrades, for Eren on top of all of that. Eren can’t in good conscience add to that with his own problems.

He won’t. He absolutely won’t. He won’t be the final straw to break Levi’s back.

“This way,” Levi says, jerking his head and leading them through the west side door that leads from the castle to the stables. There are scouts milling around, carts being checked, supplies being unloaded and counted and Eren really hopes that the job Levi has for him isn’t going to end up being inventory again. He should’ve really learned his lesson from the last time he asked Eren to do it. Eren hasn’t got the patience to puzzle out shortages and overages and he gets too frustrated too easily and in the end Armin had to come bail him out of a hell of his own design. It was not a fun afternoon for anyone involved.

“Inventory again?” Eren asks dully, dreading the answer.

“Oh, fuck no.” Levi’s lip curls. “It took me about a week to work off the fucking migraine you gave me last time.” Eren sighs with acute relief. “No, go saddle up Horse- Fuck you for making me say that, by the way. Why couldn’t you have given him a normal name?”

“Because I like tormenting you specifically,” Eren says, already brightening. “We’re going riding?”

“As far as we can get away with,” Levi says. “We can’t fly, not this close to an expedition, but I want at least an hour or so away from this fucking place and everyone in it.” He glances at Eren out of the corner of his eyes. “Present company excluded, of course.”

Eren beams at him. “I’ll be right back.” After that, it’s a mad dash to Horse’s stables and a tack job that Eren completes with a speed he didn’t even know he possessed. Horse watches him dash around like a madman with a puzzled tilt to his head, but once the bit’s in his mouth he gets the picture and starts prancing impatiently in place until Eren leads him out of his stall.

Levi’s already waiting with Lark, which means that there was a certain amount of premeditation here, and Eren’s almost as pleased by that fact as he is by the fact that Levi wants to go riding with him. It’s the break Eren’s been looking for, the release to his pent up frustration. Which means he’s probably been a lot more visibly agitated than he’d thought, but he doesn’t really mind, not now that Levi’s offered him a fucking lifeline.

“You’re not going to get written up for this, are you?” Eren asks, swinging himself up into Horse’s saddle.

Levi snorts. “Eren, I genuinely - and listen because this is very important - I _genuinely_ could not give less of a fuck. Between watching you get closer and closer to literally gnawing on table legs and the amount of fucking people I have to talk to on a daily basis, getting chewed out for an afternoon ride is the least of my fucking problems.”

“I wasn’t _that_ bad.”

“You bit Jean yesterday.”

“Yeah, because it’s _Jean_.”

Levi rolls his eyes. “Whatever. Just make sure to wash your mouth out before you put it anywhere near me. I don’t want to catch whatever the hell he has that makes his face look like that.”

With barely any visible or audible commands, Levi brings Lark round and eases her into a steady canter toward the gate. Eren cackles, loud and pleased, and touches his heels to Horse’s sides, urging him into a brisk gallop after his Captain, laughter ringing out behind him.

* * *

They don’t return until well past nightfall, which is a spectacular bit of foresight on Levi’s part, honestly. When they do return, leading their weary but relaxed horses back through the gates, the grounds are silent, barely any windows lit up by candlelight from within, and for the first time in days things feel peaceful again. Eren honestly almost misses those first few days at the HQ, when it was just the six of them milling around the abandoned castle, and though Eren enjoys the company of his friends, he does long for more quiet than he gets these days.

Which means it must be doubly tiring for Levi, whose social tolerance level is… nonexistent. He can stomach Isabel and Farlan, Mikasa and Armin, without much trouble because they know when he’s reached his limit and won’t push. He can handle Hanji, too, on his best days, but he’s solitary by nature, or has at least convinced himself that’s the case, and with so many people filling out the once-quiet rooms of the castle, his patience is wearing incredibly thin.

Eren’s lucky that Levi’s tolerance never seems to run out with him, isn’t sure if it will or if he’s just been lucky so far and hasn’t found the limit yet, but either way he’s glad to be the one Levi never seems to want to get away from. He likes to think of it like befriending a stray cat, in a way. Will only come when it pleases, never when called, and permits interaction only as long as it wants to. Levi’s much the same and Eren is waiting for the right time to tell him about that comparison, but considering he’ll only get to do it once, he’s biding his time for the moment it will be funniest.

“Get Horse-” Levi breaks off with a pained groan. “I hate this. I hate you for this.”

“No, you don’t,” Eren sings at him, petting Horse’s nose gleefully. “You love it and you think I’m hilarious.”

“Debatable. Get your fucking nag settled down then come up to my room.”

“Sure.”

“If you want,” Levi tacks on after a beat, frowning. “You don’t need- That wasn’t an order-”

“Levi.” Eren smiles. “I know. I’d like that.”

“Right.” Levi visibly relaxes. “Good.”

“Don’t worry,” Eren says as he leads Horse away. “I have absolutely no problem disobeying your orders if I don’t like them.”

“Not the best thing to say to your Captain.”

“I’m not saying it to my Captain,” Eren calls over his shoulder. “I’m saying it to my boyf-”

“Finish that sentence, brat, see where it fucking gets you.”

Eren laughs all the way back to Horse’s stall, is still snickering as he wipes the sweat from Horse’s body, brushes the dirt from his coat, and by the time he’s finished settling Horse down for the night, his cheeks are aching from smiling and he feels far lighter than he has since the date for the expedition was confirmed. An afternoon away from everything was all he needed, not much, not really, but enough to take his mind away from everything waiting for them in less than two weeks’ time.

It might not seem like a big thing, but an afternoon spent riding with Levi is enough to quiet even Eren’s raging soul. Especially when it’s just the two of them and a quiet forest and Levi’s comfortable enough to lean over across the space between their horses and kiss Eren like nobody’s watching. Which they weren’t, but that’s not the point. The point is that, away from it all, they don’t have to hide from curious comrades and disapproving superiors and they can spend a few precious hours just… existing.

And maybe Eren should be worrying about what comes after, should consider the long term, but it’s a well-known fact that long term isn’t something scouts get to think about. Which is why he’s focused so firmly on the now, rather than jumping ahead into an unknowable future the way he had when he was a kid. Always looking ahead, always waiting impatiently for what comes next. Now he’s found a temporary sort of peace, a deep and satisfying sense of rightness that he’s in no hurry to lose.

It doesn’t matter what happens on the expedition. It doesn’t matter what comes after it. What matters is the here and now, and right here, right now, Eren has someone he loves waiting for him.

What could be better than that?

He bids a sleepy Horse goodnight, though the animal is already most of the way to dozing already, head drooped low and relaxed. Eren locks the stall door and when there’s no sign of Levi by the closed door of Lark’s stall, heads into the castle. The lamplight is low, casting long shadows down the quiet corridors and even the dining hall, when he passes it, is uncommonly silent. It’s nice, peaceful, but Eren doesn’t want to linger right now. He jogs the rest of the way up the stairs to the first floor, then furtively makes his way to Levi’s quarters, conscious of the fact that he mustn’t be seen, especially not at such a late hour. They’ve done well this far to keep to themselves and Eren doesn’t want to ruin it with his impatience.

He doesn’t need to worry, though. The halls remain silent and Eren makes it to Levi’s quarters unseen and uninterrupted, knocks twice on the door before slipping inside. He closes the latch softly, throws the bolt across it because Levi’s always more comfortable with a locked door between himself and the world, and turns around to let Levi know he’s here.

Then his brain literally implodes in on itself and he’s pretty sure it’s actually started leaking out of his nose.

“Took your sweet time,” Levi says, folding his shirt up and laying it over the back of his chair. The straps of his gear that normally fasten over his shoulders and chest are loose, hanging down from his waist at the backs of his legs, and since his shirt is now folded over the back of the chair he is, blatantly and unashamedly, shirtless.

“Uhhh,” Eren says.

Levi looks at him, amusement flashing in his eyes. “Pick your jaw up off the floor, Jaeger, it’s nothing you haven’t seen before.”

It is, though. It really fucking is. The most Eren’s ever seen of Levi’s body has been his fucking forearms during the rare moments Levi rolls his sleeves up, usually to let Eren trace his fingers down the veins on the inside of his arms when they sit close and talk the afternoons away. Other than that, the only other part of Levi Eren has seen that he doesn’t normally display to the general public is his fucking neck, when he loosens up enough to take his damn cravat off.

But here he is, in all his… considerable glory. Bare-chested and completely unbothered about it.

Eren’s face might be melting off his cheekbones, he’s not sure.

“What-” Eren coughs hard, swallows somewhat desperately to bring his voice down from the ridiculous octave it’s leapt up to. “Uhhh?” Yes. Perfect. Now Levi’s going to think he’s a _complete_ moron. There really is no fucking hope for him.

“Can’t handle a little bit of skin, brat?” Levi looks more amused than the situation probably calls for. All at Eren’s expense, the bastard. “I want to take a bath before I settle down.”

Perfectly reasonable explanation. And that’s fine, means Eren can sit in the main room and have his silent mental breakdown in peace. It’s literally just his chest. Why is Eren reacting so badly? He shared a room with, like, ten other guys during basic and one of those was _Reiner_ who’s never fucking heard of the concept of modesty in his _life_.

But… It’s _Levi_.

“F-Fine,” Eren manages to choke out when a painful minute passes in which Levi is clearly expecting a reply, getting more amused by the second. “I’ll, uh, I’ll just… Um.” Sit and freak out quietly by himself, ideally. Either that or take a flying leap out of the window and into the nearest, coldest body of water he can find. There’s a lake half a mile out from the castle. He could make it if he sprinted. Quick dip, shock his brain back into fucking coherency. Probably.

Levi leans back against his desk, crosses his legs delicately at the ankles. He’s. Still wearing his fucking boots. He’s shirtless and still wearing his fucking boots and he’s got his head cocked to the side and his arms folded, looking at Eren like he’s never seen anything more interesting in his life. Which is fair enough, considering Eren’s head probably looks like it’s about to explode.

“Water’s hot,” Levi says. Eren’s probably meant to give some kind of response here, but fuck him he can’t for the _life_ of him figure out what the hell it’s meant to be. Goodbye, all higher brain function. Rest in fucking peace to Eren who’s brain leaked out of his ears because Levi took his fucking shirt off.

He really needs to get a hold of himself. Both mentally and… Possibly physically. Preferably alone, with the image of a shirtless Levi by candlelight to keep him company.

ANYWAY.

“Should… Probably go wash up, then,” Eren finally manages to wheeze out. “While the water’s… uh, hot.”

Levi doesn’t grin, probably doesn’t have the capacity, but his lips are twitching and his eyes are alight with the kind of delight Eren would be _ecstatic_ to see on his face in literally any other situation. “I just want you to know, I’m having the time of my fucking life right now. The look on your face? Fucking priceless.” He raises his hands, makes a frame out of his thumbs and forefingers, closing one eye and peering through the square of those fingers with the other. “I want a portrait to commemorate it.”

Oh, so he’s _fully_ aware of Eren’s current state of aroused distress. Fucking perfect.

“You’re doing this on purpose,” Eren says, eyes narrowing accusingly. “That’s… wrong on so many levels.”

“Maybe.” Levi drops his hands, shrugging. “Now are you going to join me or do you want a few minutes to finish your frankly hilarious freak out in peace?”

If Eren thought his brain had stopped working before, it is _nothing_ compared to the mental reaction he’s forced to endure once those words fully register.

“J-Join- _Join_ you?” Eren splutters. “In the-”

“In the bath, yes.”

“In the…” Eren swallows. Holy crap, when did his mouth get so dry. “I don’t… Is… Are you…” Is he sure? Is he having Eren on? Did Eren suffer a concussion during his last training session and hallucinate the following few days? “Is this…?”

Levi purses his lips the way he does when he’s picking his words carefully. “I had some… Time to think. And a very…” He grimaces. “...Uncomfortable and graphic conversation with Farlan. And…” He exhales sharply through his nose. “Things are different with you. I don’t know why, but they are. And, if you’re willing, I’d like to try.”

Try… Try? What-

Oh.

_Oh._

Eren is so fucked. He is absolutely, inarguably, completely and utterly _fucked_. This is going to be how he dies, head imploding because all his blood went south way too fucking fast to be safe.

What a way to go, though.

“I, uh.” Eren has to laugh, dragging a palm down his unbearably overheated face. “I mean, I’m in full agreement, look at the state of me. I just… The bath?”

Levi’s ears have a slight pink tinge to them, so at least Eren isn’t completely alone here. “Figured it was a… Hm. Easy way to get comfortable. No pressure sort of thing.”

Eren understands that. Intimate, while still being relatively harmless enough so as not to be too overwhelming or… Anything else. Eren’s not doing so good with the concepts right now. But he understands and that’s the main thing. “I get it. Sounds good. I’m in. Like fully. One hundred percent. I’m going to shut up now.”

Levi smiles at him, small, private, real. The smile that’s just for Eren, even if he still looks a bit like he wants to laugh at him. “Good. You go get in first. Figure out where you want to put your ridiculous limbs. I’ll work around you.”

“My ridiculous limbs.”

“Yes. They’re too long and keep going far past where they should end. You’re like eighty percent leg. What would you call them if not ridiculous?”

“Normal. I’d call them normal because they are perfectly average length for my size!”

“Well, it’s not my fault you're wrong. Get in the damn bath.”

For once, Eren is perfectly happy to do as he’s told. He should probably be thinking about exactly what this means but he’s trying desperately hard _not_ to do that, trying not to fixate on the implications of exactly what Levi’s trying to achieve here. He’s testing the waters - both literally and figuratively - to see if he’s comfortable enough to… Cross a boundary. And Eren had meant it when he’d said it didn’t matter, that he was happy either way, but he’s getting the distinct impression that Levi isn’t, that he _wants_ to push the boundary here.

Which is more than fine. Eren’s totally on board with whatever it is that Levi wants to do. He’s interested. Clueless! But interested. _Very_ interested.

Also, where the hell did Levi get a fucking steel bathtub from? And more than that, when did he have the time to fill it? Eren wasn’t outside for that long, was he? Unless… Well, there’s a chance Levi might have asked for assistance from Farlan or Isabel maybe, but Levi would also rather die, so it’s probably just that he works fast when he wants to.

Still though, the washroom is full of steam when Eren steps inside and begins the rather nerve-wracking process of disrobing, which is a new feeling to tie to the otherwise mundane action. It’s different because… Well, for obvious reasons. And it takes Eren far longer than it normally would despite his nervous eagerness, fingers a little too unsteady to unbuckle his gear without some difficulty.

He manages it, though, leaves his clothes folded by the door because Levi will undoubtedly give him shit if he doesn’t, and eases into the blissfully hot water with a groan that he can’t quite hold back.

“Getting started without me?”

The sound Eren lets out can only be heard by dogs. “No!”

“Good.” The washroom door opens and Eren doesn’t look round, keeps his gaze fixed firmly on the far wall and hopes the heat of the water will be taken as the reason his face is redder than a fucking tomato. Levi will see through him in a fucking heartbeat, already has, but Eren would prefer to pretend so he doesn’t die of embarrassment before Levi’s even in the fucking water.

“Move back a bit.”

Eren does, easing back until he can lean against the edge of the tub, back propped up against it, and when he sees Levi out of the corner of his eyes he quickly shuts them because… Well, it seems polite. He’d rather Levi think him polite and stupid rather than… The horny mess he feels inside. And with Levi as uncertain as he seems, Eren’s going to do his fucking damndest to make sure that everything that happens is on Levi’s terms. No exceptions.

The water ripples as Levi presumably steps in, foot nudging against Eren’s leg as he shifts his weight. There’s a moment of stillness as Levi seems to hesitate and Eren literally cannot close his eyes any harder, but the moment passes and then Levi’s legs are stretching out under the water, resting lightly over Eren’s own. Bare skin against bare skin. Eren might be having some kind of seizure, he’s really not sure.

“You got your eyes closed for a reason or have you passed out?”

“I’m conscious,” Eren counters, somewhat redundantly. “Just… Waiting.”

“For?”

“The… Go ahead.”

Levi snorts. “Go ahead, then.” He says it so easily and he doesn’t sound particularly bothered one way or the other, but Eren can’t exactly get a good read on him with his fucking eyes closed, can he?

Slowly, Eren cracks one eye open. Levi’s looking at him full on, eyes open and expression carefully calm, arms resting over the rim of the tub with his fingers hanging down into the water. He certainly looks calm enough, if a little flushed from the heat. Droplets of water cling to his chest and a few run down the pale skin on display, disappearing into the water that’s risen up to his chest with both of their bodies in the tub displacing it. He looks… really fucking good. Starkly pale next to Eren’s own darker skin, and they wear matching bruises from their gear harnesses though Levi’s run a little deeper than Eren’s do.

Eren swallows hard. Levi’s lips twitch. “Hi,” he says and Eren can’t help flashing him a slightly helpless grin. That’s meant to be _Eren’s_ line.

“Hi,” he echoes anyway. “Um… What’s… Okay for me to say?”

One of Levi’s brows quirks up slightly. “Anything you want. I always like to know what you’re thinking.”

“Mm, probably not right now.”

“Especially right now.”

Yeah, well, he says that, but Eren’s thoughts are fluttering manically between incoherent and wildly inappropriate, so. He’s mindful of anything that might come out of his mouth because he really, _really_ doesn’t want to ruin this by saying something stupid and thoughtless. On the other hand, though, if he doesn’t let Levi know exactly what he’s thinking, then what was the point in any of this? Levi clearly has a goal in mind and Eren wants to help him reach it, even if higher brain function is kind of difficult right now.

“You, um,” Eren says intelligently. “You…”

“Alright, don’t hurt yourself.” Levi sweeps a damp hand through his bangs, pushing them back out of his eyes and that’s the worst fucking thing that’s ever happened to Eren, quite frankly, because now the full force of Levi’s rather intent gaze is aimed at Eren and he’s completely unprepared to deal with it. “You’re not uncomfortable, are you?”

Of course he would ask that. “I’m fine. Having a minor breakdown, but I’m fine.” Eren swallows. “I… What… Brought this on? You said you spoke to Farlan?”

Levi grimaces. “Please don’t remind me. I barely got out of there with my dignity intact. If he’d talked for any longer there's a very real possibility I might have started crying.” Eren laughs at that, a startled sound, and Levi’s lips twitch up in response. “No, he… Said some stuff. Fucker’s insightful when he wants to be. Not often, but sometimes.” Levi inclines his head. “There wasn't… Before you. I didn’t feel inclined in the fucking slightest. And then you.” He narrows his eyes and Eren gets the weirdest fucking urge to apologise, but then Levi sighs, shaking his head. “And then I ran my mouth and shot myself in the foot, effectively.”

“Well, no,” Eren says. “Things change. Whatever you felt when you told me about your… feelings earlier, that was real. Just because you changed your mind or realised some shit, doesn’t detract from that.”

“Alright, Doctor Jaeger, thank you for your input.”

“Levi, I am begging you never to call me that when either one or both of us is naked.”

“Good call. My bad.” Levi is quiet for a long moment. “My point is, I’m a whole fucking mess of hang ups, Eren. But I want… Shit I don’t even know how to ask for. I’m flying blind here and that shit doesn’t sit right with me. So I figured this,” he gestures between the two of them, flicking water from his fingers, “was a… relatively safe way of…” He frowns. “I have no idea where I’m going with this.”

“Intimacy without intent.”

Levi looks at him. “How the fuck do you do that?”

“Genuinely? No idea. It makes sense though. And… I’m glad. That you felt comfortable enough to try it. And obviously this goes no farther than you want it to-“

“Or you,” Levi says, eyes glinting. “Don’t think that because I’m… Don’t think that I’m not just as fucking conscious of your part in this. Together, or not at all.”

That’s… Alright, now Eren can’t fucking breathe. That’s such a simple sentiment but from _Levi_ that’s a more explicit declaration of his feelings than Eren was ever hoping to hear. “I… I can get behind that.”

“Good,” Levi says. “Also fuck you, by the way. For looking the way you do. I’m doing my fucking best to keep my eyes above the water, here.”

Eren grins stupid wide. “You don’t have to.”

“Mm, one step at a time.”

“Can I… Make a suggestion?”

Levi sweeps his hand in a _go ahead_ gesture. “The floor is yours.”

Carefully, so very carefully, Eren lowers his hands beneath the water, palms coming to rest over where Levi’s ankles are lodged near his hips and the sides of the tub. Levi’s gaze flickers down just for a moment, not startled just curious, and he waits patiently to see what Eren will do. It’s not much, Eren’s so very aware that he must not push, must not even toe the line of risky here, not with Levi of all people, but the main thing he wants to do, what he absolutely aches for, is to touch Levi in some way. And yes, their legs are touching, but Eren wants to use his hands, has literally been dreaming about touching Levi affectionately for years now. With the chance to do so readily available, of course he’s going to take it.

“I think I’d like it if you were up here with me,” Eren says after a long, slow minute of rubbing circles into the smooth skin of Levi’s ankles with his thumbs.

Levi’s brow furrows slightly as he considers the logistics, but then the frown smooths away and he nods, just once, and Eren wants to cheer. Doesn’t because that will likely get him a punch to the throat, but inside he’s jubilant, where Levi can’t hear him.

Carefully so he doesn’t slop water everywhere, Levi turns in place and then gently settles back so he’s resting against Eren’s chest. He’s tense, whether from proximity or the unknown quantity of such a situation Eren doesn’t know, but he rests his hands gently over the tops of Levi’s arms, strokes slowly up and down over damp, firm muscles, until Levi relaxes inch by inch and is resting fully against Eren’s chest.

He’s warm, so warm. Firm and real and close and he can probably feel exactly how hard Eren’s heart is pounding against his back but he thankfully doesn’t comment on it. Just like Eren doesn’t comment on the fact that Levi’s ears have bypassed pink straight into crimson.

“Alright,” Levi says after a moment. “So this isn’t… Awful.”

“The highest of praise,” Eren grins. He kind of wants to… Maybe it would be okay…? Lightly, anxiously, Eren drops a kiss to Levi’s shoulder, near the junction where it meets his neck, heart rate spiking when Levi tenses for a moment and terrified that he’s overstepped.

Levi clears his throat. “You don’t have to be so careful.”

Funny. “I do when it’s you.”

“You really don’t. I’ve taken a fair few hits in my time, Jaeger, I can handle a fucking peck on the shoulder.”

“Bit different.” Eren drops another kiss to the pale skin, pleased by the light shiver that follows the touch. He’s even more pleased when Levi tilts his head slightly to the side, a wordless request for more. He’s glad to give it, peppers a few more kisses, each one a little higher up Levi’s neck, until he can place one just beneath the curve of his jaw. “Is this okay?”

“If it wasn’t, you’d know about it.”

“Right, yes, I know that, but I would also like to know when it’s good, too. Just a little bit of positive reinforcement so I know I’m on the right track and not about to get punched in the face.”

Levi snorts, reaching a hand back and, in a gesture Eren is not expecting in the slightest, tangles his fingers in the damp hair at the nape of Eren’s neck, combing his fingers through it almost absently. “It’s good,” Levi says softly. “You know this is… Difficult for me.”

“The proximity or talking about it?”

“The… latter. Being close to you is the easy part.”

Oh god. Oh fuck. Eren is so utterly gone it’s not even funny. “Good,” he manages to choke out, burying his face in Levi’s neck. “I’m going to die.”

“Please don’t. I’ve put so much effort into keeping your dumb ass alive, don’t ruin it for me now.” Levi turns his head, glances back at Eren with an amused twist to his mouth and have his eyelashes always been that fucking long? That doesn’t seem very fair. “You don’t have to keep your hands so firmly to yourself. The whole point of this is… I’m not exactly sure. But you can…”

Eren lifts his head. “Would you like me to?”

Levi elbows him, splashing water over the side of the tub. “I literally just said-“

“Yes, but do you want me to?” Eren wheezes, wincing. “Or are you saying that because you think I want you to?”

Levi is quiet for a long moment, long enough that Eren starts to worry, but when he finally speaks his voice is soft, steady but uncertain. “Not quite sure what the difference is, honestly. All I know for sure is that I…” His ears burn red. “Would… Appreciate it. If you took a risk.”

Alright. Eren can do that. Eren can absolutely do that. “One word, and I’ll stop.”

“Mm.”

Eren gives in, gladly, eagerly, but always so, so carefully. If he has to take a risk, if Levi wants him to, then he’s going to be so very careful with what he’s been given. Starting with Levi’s arms, he runs his palms down the solid muscle, down to surprisingly delicate wrists, over fingers that he squeezes gently, reassuringly, for as much his own benefit as Levi’s. After that, he can’t quite stop himself from looping his arms around Levi’s slender waist, holding him tightly, and though Levi huffs like he’s annoyed, he’s practically boneless in Eren’s arms, head tipped back against his left shoulder. The hot water has left his pale skin flushed and Eren… Wants. But this is enough, more than enough. Seeing Levi relaxed will always be enough.

From this angle, it’s quite a lovely sight, too. Levi sprawled out against Eren’s chest, flushed from the heat of the water, slender limbs stretched out as far as possible in the small tub. He’s muscular everywhere, years of hard training and gear use, and though his skin is smooth everywhere Eren touches him, there's no part of him that’s soft. Not on the outside anyway. His heart might be, but Eren’s going to keep that observation to himself.

And… Huh. Okay, yeah, there is literally no part of Levi that’s soft right now. Even though he’s relaxed, _some_ part of him is paying a hell of a lot of attention to what Eren’s hands are doing. That’s nice to know, but it _also_ now means that Eren’s body is sitting up and taking notice. _Literally_.

Should he mention it? Apologise? Or should he just continue and act like he’s not been ten different degrees of aroused since he walked into Levi’s quarters? Probably that last one, honestly. Intimacy without intent. That’s what this is. That’s what Levi wants it to be and Eren wants what Levi wants. _Together or not at all_.

Levi twitches when Eren’s hands brush over his ribs, snorts and elbows him in retaliation. Eren soothes him with another kiss to his neck, so very gentle, and rests his lips there for a moment, just enjoying the strange situation he’d honestly never thought he’d find himself in. It’s nice, though. Really nice. And the fact that Levi’s so relaxed and calm makes it so much better.

Levi makes a soft sound when Eren’s palms brush over his abdomen, an absent sort of hum that’s more curious than anything else. Eren lifts his head with a questioning hum of his own and Levi’s hands slip down to wrap gently around Eren’s wrists.

“Something wrong?”

“No.”

“Want me to stop?”

“...Opposite.”

“You want me to… Start...?”

Levi huffs irritably, fingers flexing around Eren’s wrists. “I want _something,_ I just…”

Oh. Well, Eren can help with that. Right now, there is literally nothing he would not do, if Levi asked. However… “Not now, maybe? This is nice, but… Let's just keep it here? Doesn’t have to lead anywhere, not yet. Intimacy without intent, right? We’ve got time.”

Eren’s circling Levi’s boundaries as carefully as he knows how to, never pushing unless Levi asks him to, never forcing his way in or anything disgusting like that. Sure Eren probably has his own boundaries - probably, maybe, he’ll figure that out if he ever has to - but so far he’s been more than willing to follow Levi’s lead. Besides, this is intimacy without intent. If Levi wants to change direction then Eren will follow gladly. If he wants to kick Eren out and pretend this never happened, then Eren will go at once. He’ll pout about it in his own company, but as long as Levi knows that’s an option, he’ll get over it.

“Smart,” Levi says. Then, softly, “thank you.”

 _I love you_ , is what he means. Eren hums happily, nuzzling Levi’s neck affectionately, content to stay right here for the rest of forever. Levi snorts but doesn’t elbow him this time, just tightens his grip on Eren’s wrists and pulls them more securely around himself, like he’s finally learned that it’s okay to take comfort when he wants it.

How could Eren ever want more than that?


	50. Chapter 50

Not once since leaving the underground has Levi ever woken up to sunlight. Below ground he slept when he was exhausted and woke up when he was less exhausted and repeated that process on a semi-regular basis because it was nearly impossible to mark the passage of time without the sun. Then he left that shithole behind and has been subjected to pre-dawn starts since his trainee days, courtesy of Shadis and his borderline sadistic love of rousing exhausted kids from their beds before the sun had even thought about rising. Since then, 5AM has been Levi’s wake up time of choice, up before the sun, up before anyone else, where the hour between him and the rest of the world became his most precious possession.

So not only is it unusual for Levi to stir reluctantly from sleep and not snap immediately into consciousness, it’s even more unusual for bright light to be the thing that rouses him. Unusual or not, though, that’s what wakes him now; a thin band of light seeping through the curtains and casting golden light on his eyelids. He grumbles about it, lifts a sleepy hand to cast some shade on tired eyes that won’t open past a slit no matter how hard he tries, but it’s so hard to care about light when he’s warmer than he’s ever been in his life and even his fucking _bones_ feel heavy. This must be what it feels like to be truly relaxed. Body heavy, mind unburdened, warm and safe and unbothered by the world outside.

It’s nice, he could get used to it. Right after he’s had some more sleep. More sleep sounds fucking fantastic, actually. He’s never slept this well in his life. He could probably wake up if he tried, he doesn’t feel particularly sluggish, just too comfortable to want to move. His back is warm, pleasantly so, the pillow is cool under his cheek, and the sheets carry the lingering, familiar scent of verbena and buckthorn. Far too pleasant to want to leave.

Something hums against his back, vibrating like a cat’s purr, and that’s when Levi’s heavy eyes do actually snap open, body suddenly tense and hand slipping under his pillow for the hilt of his knife on pure instinct. But then the arm that’s tucked securely around his waist tightens and the arm that’s caught underneath his head curls round his chest, both working sleepily to tug him closer towards that radiating warmth at his back. Something nuzzles into the back of Levi’s neck, soft and sleepy and that’s when Levi remembers.

 _Eren_.

He’d slept here last night. Here, in Levi’s room, in Levi’s _bed_ , right beside him for the whole night. And Levi had let him, had wanted him to stay. Nothing had happened, aside from Levi’s weird and… technically rather unsuccessful attempt at seduction, but he honestly hadn’t really expected Eren to pick up the hints he was rather carelessly throwing down. He hadn’t minded so much at the time. He hadn’t even really thought that he was testing Eren, but he had been, just a little. Had wanted to see what he would do. And he’d met everything Levi had tossed him with patience, kindness, and an unfailing sense of affection that had made the whole thing far more intimate than Levi had been prepared to deal with.

That’s why Eren’s here now. He’d done something, by just _existing_ he’d done something, snuck right beneath Levi’s ribs and lodged himself there and Levi had been viscerally unwilling to let him go. So they’d gone to bed together and Levi’s pretty sure they’d settled down on opposite sides of the bed. He’s fucking certain about it actually, but somehow during the night they’ve ended up tangled together so completely Levi’s no longer sure what limbs belong to him and which limbs are Eren’s.

He doesn’t really mind. Actually, he’s pretty fucking in love with the whole concept. If he could wake up like this every morning, yeah, his productivity would take a fucking hit, but _god_ he’d be happy anyway.

The minute they leave the room, though, they’re going to be in deep shit. Levi’s got shit to do, Eren’s got shit to do, the world isn’t going to stop just so Levi can bask in… whatever the hell this is, as much as he’d love to. They have responsibilities, have that fucking expedition to plan for, to try and survive...

But Eren’s so _warm_...

He’s plastered right up against Levi’s back, curled around him almost protectively and fuck if that isn’t just a whole other kind of wonderful all on its own. His knees are tucked up behind Levi’s, there isn’t an inch of space between them anywhere and this might be Levi’s new favourite place in the fucking world. Later, when his brain kicks back in, he’ll give himself shit for this, for relaxing so much he’d let someone get too close, but right now he’s too peaceful to get all _himself_ about it, so he just closes his eyes and drifts pleasantly.

Eren shifts in his sleep with a soft breath against Levi’s neck and where he can’t be seen, Levi grins into his pillow, lips curling slowly, sleepily. Eren’s arm around his waist loosens for a moment, drifts a little lower, then tightens again and draws Levi impossibly closer, like even in sleep Eren wants him as close as possible. That shouldn’t be nearly as adorable as it is, but who the fuck is going to mock Levi for thinking that now, here in his private quarters? Fucking nobody, that’s who.

Eren mumbles something unintelligible and Levi turns his head automatically, huffing out a faint sound of amusement when Eren grumbles and nuzzles further into his neck. He’d had a sneaking suspicion the brat was a heavy sleeper, but this is ridiculous. It’s likely going to be a chore to wake him, nothing short of catapulting him onto the cold stone floor is probably going to work, but Levi’s content to let him doze and cling for as long as they can get away with.

He kind of wants to turn around, though. Not to be creepy, but he’d like the chance to see what Eren looks like while he sleeps. Probably unattractive, mouth wide open and drooling, but Levi would probably find that endearing rather than disgusting, to be honest. Eren’s like his constant caveat. He hates people, except Eren. He hates talking, except with Eren. He hates intimacy… Except with Eren.

That last one… Yeah, that last one’s giving him some trouble. Not, like, majorly, just… It’s hard to reconcile within himself. The fact that he naturally recoils from physical touch, that he struggles to even reach out to Eren when they’re alone, and yet there’s something in him that just wasn’t… there before. Like Eren was the catalyst. And no, it’s not important, not in the grand scheme of things, he’s just not sure what to do with the sudden appearance of what just wasn’t _there_ before. Like Eren… Ignited it.

Levi wants him. It feels strange to admit it, but he does, the previously nameless need prickling under his skin almost unbearably. It flares when Eren kisses him, had sprung up into a dull roar all of last night with Eren warm and… hard at his back, his hands moving slow and careful over his skin. Levi’s never been touched so much in his life, never with that level of care, either. It should have been off-putting, having that much damn near _reverence_ directed solely at him. But it didn’t. It doesn’t. It doesn’t feel wrong or bad, even if he still feels horribly unworthy. But he’s not the one who gets to decide how Eren sees him. That’s all Eren. And if Eren wants to love him, Levi’s going to fucking let him.

Okay, no, he absolutely has to roll over now. It’s a fucking effort, but he’s always been stronger than Eren, stronger than anyone he’s ever known, so though it’s a hassle, Levi manages to swivel in Eren’s grip until they’re nose to nose and Eren doesn’t so much as twitch, not even when Levi gives him a testing flick to the tip of the nose. Dead to the fucking world.

Cute.

He looks so carefree like this. Weightless, almost. His face is slack, relaxed, no furrow to his brows, no irritated tension around his mouth. He doesn’t snore either, which is a fucking result, honestly. His breaths come slow and even, soft and nearly silent, puffing gently against Levi’s bare collarbones, warm and reassuring. Before he can stop himself, Levi’s hand drifts up, fingertips brushing over soft lips that are slightly swollen from sleep. He looks like a fucking angel, honestly, lit up in the morning sunlight, skin almost golden against the white of Levi’s sheets. How such a person can exist, Levi doesn’t know, but he allows himself a small, possessive thrill at the knowledge that this divine creature belongs to him.

Whether intentionally or not, Levi can’t deny that Eren’s set an almost unbearable ache throbbing right in the heart of him and Levi wants so much it’s almost painful. Farlan’s words - the good and the fucking _awful_ \- have made so much sense it’s not even funny. Levi’s attachment to Eren has struck something inside him, either dislodged it or activated it or whatever the fuck, but it’s because of him that Levi feels the way he does. Like he’s… brought something to life. It’s wonderful, it’s maddening, it’s… A lot.

Gently, Levi traces the curve of Eren’s cheekbone with the backs of his fingers, brushes fingertips over the graceful slant of his nose, back to those lips again. Levi wants to kiss him. The only thing that’s missing from this picture right now is the jarringly indescribable colour of Eren’s eyes, but as much as Levi wants to see them, he really doesn’t want to wake Eren for a reason so selfish. He deserves whatever sleep he can get right now, Levi knows he hasn’t been sleeping well. The expedition has him out of sorts and for some strange reason he won’t come to Levi about it. Maybe he thinks Levi’s too stressed, which is stupid because if Levi’s going to get stressed with anyone, it sure as hell isn’t going to be Eren.

“You have no idea,” Levi murmurs into the quiet, voice so low it’s barely more than a breath. “You have... No idea how much I love you.”

It’s so much easier to say like this, because Levi is a coward. Eren knows, Eren _knows_ , but he still can’t say it where Eren can hear him. He wants to, he wants to so badly, but he just… Can’t. One day he will, he knows he will, but now… It has to be his worst kept secret.

Levi is far too selfish for this.

“Eren.” He stretches up, brushes his lips across Eren’s brow. “Eren, wake up.” _I want to see your eyes._ “Eren.” A gentle shake of his shoulder and Eren’s grumbling adorably, brow furrowing and lids twitching as he slowly comes back to himself.

It happens in flickers, the barest hint of fathomless turquoise below fluttering lashes, until Eren’s blinking back at him with hazy eyes still heavy with sleep and tinged with confusion. He lifts a hand up to his face, scrubs at one eye as he yawns so wide his jaw clicks and Levi actually has to fight against the smile that wants to slip free. Eren looks so confused, with his hair an utter mess and the imprints of the pillow folded into the right side of his face, staring up at Levi like he’s not quite sure how he got there.

“You slept in my room,” Levi says, sitting up. “And hogged the covers all night.”

“No, I didn’,” Eren mumbles, blinking sleepy tears from his eyes and yawning again. “Wha’s time?”

“No idea,” Levi tells him and isn’t that just _wonderful?_ “I know we’ve overslept, though. If anyone asks, it was my fault. I had you up all night going over plans for the expedition.”

“Shhh,” Eren says, flapping a hand at him weakly and rolling onto his back. “Less noise, more sleepin’.”

Unacceptable. Not when Levi’s waited so long to see those eyes again. He hums disapprovingly, walking his fingers over Eren’s bare, wonderfully broad chest, up to his throat, tracing his fingertip over the tendon in the side to his pulsepoint. Slow, steady, strong. “Eren,” Levi says, voice low. He’s not beyond playing dirty. “Won’t you please wake up for me?”

A beat passes. Nothing. Then Eren’s eyes snap open like he’s been electrocuted, head whipping to the side to look at Levi like he’s just materialised out of thin air beside him. For a brief moment Eren’s eyes flicker from Levi’s face down the length of his body, from his bare chest down to his hips where the blankets are covering the rest of him and Eren’s face heats up like a fucking solar flare.

“Oh, good, you’re actually awake this time,” Levi says. “Good morning, you lazy shit.”

Eren’s answering smile is somehow brighter than the light outside the window, soft and teasing and so hopelessly fond. “Good morning to you, too, you grouchy asshole,” he murmurs, voice low and rich and rough. “How did you sleep?”

Levi considers this. “Well. Far too well, considering we’re dangerously far past oversleeping at this point.”

“I really, really, _really_ don’t care,” Eren says, propping himself up on his elbows. “I could get used to this.”

“So could I,” Levi says, stupidly honest because Eren just makes him like that. And because Eren is the worst sort of influence, Levi leans forward, tilts Eren’s face up, and kisses him.

It’s not the kind of kiss that belongs in the morning, either. Far too indecent for early morning light, the kiss Levi takes for himself is something that belongs under the cover of night, away from the rest of the world, but he really doesn’t care. And if the soft groan of approval that rumbles low in his throat when Levi slips his tongue past his lips is any sort of indication, neither does Eren.

Something sparks down Levi’s spine, charging his blood with restless energy, and the burn that’s been thrumming below his skin for the past… far too long flares into something wild. That’s probably why he surges up, cupping Eren’s face in his palms and deepening the kiss with a low groan that he doesn’t mean to let slip. That’s also probably why he throws a leg over Eren’s waist, slipping fluidly into his lap like he belongs there. Which, if you ask Levi, he absolutely does.

Almost instinctively Eren’s hands fly to Levi’s waist, skin hot enough that Levi half expects it to brand him, wants it to, and that’s a desire he doesn’t know how to verbalise, not even inside his own head. All he knows is that he needs Eren’s hands on his skin, needs Eren to touch him, needs to touch Eren in return and he needs _something_ he’s never wanted from someone else before.

“Levi.” Eren pulls back and Levi’s about to let him know _exactly_ how little he cares for that shit when the serious expression on his face finally registers. Against the desire sparking jaggedly down his spine, Levi sits back in Eren’s lap, takes a deep breath, and waits. “Are…” Eren’s tongue flicks out to brush over his top lip. “Are you…?”

Sure? Yes. No. No, he’s not fucking sure but he _wants_ and that’s new, unpredictable, and Levi can’t trust it to stay around long enough for this to happen again. What if this is the only chance he gets? What if he goes back to how he was before? Shouldn’t he give this to Eren now, while he can? Just in case?

Something has to give here or Levi’s going to go insane. He nods, hopes that will be enough, because he struggles to even tell Eren he loves him - something he already fucking knows - so how can Eren expect Levi to verbalise whatever the fuck is going on inside his head right now.

Understanding flickers in Eren’s eyes and Levi is so fucking grateful for once in his fucking life that Eren knows him so well. Because even if Levi’s not sure, this is _Eren_ , and it’ll be okay, it doesn’t matter, as long as it’s Eren, Levi won’t mind. He can-

“Stop.”

Levi freezes, that burn under his skin doused abruptly in ice water. Eren’s hands are tight on Levi’s upper arms, firm and grounding in a way Levi hadn’t even known he’d needed. Eren’s expression, like his grip, is firm, serious but not angry. He doesn’t look uncomfortable either, so thank fucking god Levi hadn’t tripped over one of Eren’s boundaries in his stupid attempts to smash through his own. He just looks… Stern. Disappointed, almost. And that’s an expression Levi never thought would bother him as much as it does.

“You…” Eren exhales slowly. “You’re rushing.”

“So?” It’s defensive, petty, and Eren rises predictably to the bait, brows furrowing into a frown, anger sparking in his eyes.

“You’re trying to get this over with.”

“No, I’m trying to get _off_. Distinct difference.”

“Levi,” Eren says, tone reproachful. “I don’t think you want to do this.”

Anger sweeps in, reassuring and familiar, soothing away the disgusting curl of shame that’s trying to settle in Levi’s chest. “So you know what I want better than I do? Think you know me so well, yeah?”

“Yes,” Eren says, clipped. “And I know when you’re doing something you don’t want to do. I don’t know _why_ you think you need to do this, but I’m not going to help you do something you _clearly_ don’t know if you want or not. I want you, but not like _this.”_

“Well, shit, Eren, because this is the only way you’re getting me.”

“Then I’m good,” Eren says at once. “I don’t want it. I won’t ever want it, not until you are one _hundred_ percent sure it’s what you want, too. You don’t need to test me, I’m here for good.” His expression softens into something sad. “You know that, right? Please tell me you know that.”

He’s… Fucking hell. Levi came so, _so_ close to ruining this and he’d had no idea. He doesn’t even know what… He’s not even sure he knows _why_ he was so desperate for something to happen. Maybe because what he’s feeling is so fucking new, so wildly other, that he couldn’t trust it to stay. Maybe he’ll wake up tomorrow and the desire will be gone and it won’t come back. Then he’ll have missed his chance and…

“I know,” Levi says. “I know you are. I just…” He groans, scrubbing his palms over his face. “This isn’t hard for everyone else.”

“Maybe it is,” Eren says. “You don’t know that. Don’t fucking compare yourself to everyone else, Levi. You aren’t like anyone else. You’re _you_. And that’s who I love. Please don’t do anything you don’t want. It would… It would honestly break my heart.”

“Why are you like this?” Levi demands. “How are you so fucking… _rational?”_ It’s not fair. Levi feels like he’s twisted up into knots inside, wants Eren, wants what he’s never wanted, but he’s still not fucking _sure_.

“I’m not,” Eren says with a snort. “Fuck, Levi, I’m really not. I’d just rather die than upset you, even by accident. And… I do know you. Sorry about it, but I do. And I know when you’re doing something you don’t particularly want to do.”

Levi looks at him for a long moment. “What do _you_ want?”

Eren looks rather disarmed by the question. “Me?”

“Yeah. What do you want? Like, if… If I wasn’t… What do you want from me? And I want a proper fucking answer, Jaeger. None of this “I want what you want” bullshit. I want to hear what you _want._ Don’t hold back because you think it’ll influence me. I’m stronger than that.”

Eren smiles faintly. “I know.” Then he falls silent for what feels like an age, brows drawn together in thought. “Honestly?”

“Yes. Lay it on me, I want to hear it.” That much, at least, Levi _does_ want. He wants to know what Eren thinks about, what Eren desires, he wants to hear it, to know if he’s even close to feeling the same.

“Hmm.” Slowly, Eren’s grip on Levi’s arms loosens, palms ghosting down to his forearms, his wrists, to his hands where he laces their fingers together. He lifts Levi’s hands to his mouth, presses a gentle kiss to his knuckles. Then he flicks his gaze up to Levi’s and he smiles. No, not a smile. A smirk, crooked and dirty, and his eyes have darkened to a shade Levi’s never seen before. “It would need to be slow,” he says after a moment. “So slow. I’d want to take my time. Whenever I… Whenever I thought about it, we had just… time. Time for ourselves, where we could just… Be. Lose ourselves.”

Tamer than Levi was expecting. “Alright,” he says doubtfully. “I mean, that’s not-”

“I’m not finished.”

Levi blinks, raises a brow. Interesting.

“Your composure pisses me off,” Eren says and Levi snorts, the amusement startled out of him. “I want to watch it break. I want to take my fucking time, and I want to watch you _shatter_. Hear what you sound like when you moan, see what you look like when you blush properly. God, Levi, I want to drive you _insane_.”

He’s… He’s not far off the mark, but Levi has to push back, he can’t hand Eren an easy win. “You think you could manage that?”

“I know I could,” Eren says and Levi fucking believes him. If there’s one thing Eren is, it’s determined, and if every inch of his intensity was focused on Levi and Levi alone… Ah. So, it’s not as fleeting as Levi had feared. Almost familiar at this point, that prickle of desire curls low in his gut, a dull throb that makes him swallow hard. Eren’s keen eyes track the movement of Levi’s throat and that is _so_ not helping. “I’d do anything for you,” Eren says softly. “But I need you to want me to. I can’t… I won’t be able to do anything unless I know you’re with me, too. Together, or-”

“Not at all,” Levi finishes. “Don’t fucking throw my words back at me.”

“I’m not,” Eren says, unflinchingly honest. “You have no idea what that sentiment meant to me. I want you, I won’t deny that. But I’ve told you before, unless it goes both ways, it’s not fucking happening.”

“Stubborn,” Levi tells him. “I want it. I do. No fucking clue what that is, but I know I feel it. And that’s all your fault.”

“Good,” Eren says. “Means we’re even. Because I _do_ want you. I really do. Fuck, Levi, I do. But…”

“I know.” And he does. Together, or not at-fucking-all. Levi’s own words.

“I’ll make you an offer,” Eren says, expression brightening into something worryingly mischievous, but Levi can’t decide that he’s curious, pleasantly so when Eren leans up, tugs Levi in close until their lips are only inches apart. He expects a kiss, wants that and that’s genuine this time, he does want it, but Eren doesn’t close the distance between them. His lips curl into a smile that does something new and interesting to Levi’s insides. “Think about it,” he says.

“About what?”

“Us. Together. Think about how you want it, what you’d want me to do. Don’t just focus on the vague concept, actually think about what you’d like me to do to you. And if you like that, if it… _works_ for you,” he emphasises the point with a slow drag of his fingertips down Levi’s spine and _that’s_ not fucking fair at all. Levi suppresses a shiver a moment too late. “Then come find me. And we can go from there.”

“Are you giving me _homework?”_

Eren laughs, tilting his head back and shaking with the force of it. In spite of himself, Levi finds himself smirking, amused by the ridiculousness of the situation. “Yeah, if you like,” Eren says, still snickering. “But I mean it. Don’t just nod and agree, actually think about it. Think about fucking me, or think about me fucking you, or any other stuff you’d like to do, it doesn’t matter. Just let me know what seems most appealing and we’ll do it.”

Eren obviously doesn’t mean now. He very clearly does not mean for Levi to think about that now, but it’s like telling someone not to think of something, as soon as it’s mentioned, it becomes all you can think about. And right now, Levi’s mind is a mess of images he hasn’t once let himself imagine. Eren beneath him, flushed and panting, Eren above him, skin flushed, back arched. Levi- Levi on his knees, hard and wanting and Eren, so fucking patient, endlessly devoted, determined to make Levi feel good.

“I didn’t mean _now-”_

“You fucking suggested it!” Levi snaps, voice rough. “It was your fucking idea and I’m doing what you asked, you don’t get to complain.”

“I didn’t mean-”

“Eren.”

“What?”

“What if I want all of it?” He genuinely has to know. “What if I want everything?”

Eren smiles at him, slow and sinful. “Then we’ll make a fucking list and work through it. Whatever works. I want you to feel _good_. I…” He swallows, glancing away. “God, Levi, I want to take you apart.”

Yeah. And Levi, god help him, wants that, too.

* * *

So like. How does one go about… Fantasising? Is that, like, a thing? Is Levi just meant to zone out and… Let his brain go? Is there a particular method to it? Should he begin somewhere specific? Should he start with fucking dinner or something? Then move on to… The stuff that comes after? Or should he just go right into it?

He’s… Yeah, he’s definitely overthinking this.

Under any other circumstances, Levi would be fucking replete about the fact that his day is going pretty well. He woke up beside Eren, slept in, managed to skip a meeting with the section commanders because of it and hasn’t yet been brought up on his absence, so it looks like he’s going to get off scot-free about it, and so far his day’s been spent organising the supplies for the expedition and no one has bothered him with inanities for over an hour.

But he’s trying to do what Eren asked him to do and it’s not going very fucking well. He’s not a fucking- Like, he’s taken care of himself when he’s felt the urge to. Always sort of… perfunctorily. Get off, get out, kind of deal. Physical relief only, no thoughts tied to the action. Release, pure and simple. But that’s not what he wants with Eren and that’s almost what he’d gotten this morning in his attempt to rush through the whole thing. And that wasn’t fair to Eren, never mind that Levi hadn’t particularly wanted things to go down that way, he’d barely even considered what Eren would think of the whole scenario, and that’s left a fucking awful, bitter taste in his mouth. He’d fucking _said_ , together, it had to be together, and then he’d forgotten that all in his not-quite panic and nearly made a fucking mess of things.

Eren had known to stop him, though. Eren had been able to see right through the shit Levi was trying to pull. Of course, he shouldn’t have had to, but what’s done is done. No point dwelling on it. If Levi can just do what Eren’s asked of him, then they can move past this and hopefully reach a conclusion that’s acceptable to them both. But so far Levi’s not had much success with the fucking homework task Eren’s set him. No fucking success at all, actually.

What _does_ he want? That’s the fucking question. He’s always- When he has thought about it, it’s always been kind of vague. Just a sort of… Impression. Nothing concrete. Eren touching him, Eren close, kissing him, that kind of shit. Levi’s never gotten explicit about it, hasn’t really got anything to base this on.

Maybe he should ask-

NOPE.

Never again. Levi can do this on his own.

What had Eren said? Think about Levi fucking him? Alright, that’s as good a starting point as any. Eren on his back, maybe his knees. That’s feasible, right? Eren’s flexible from years of training, limber, lithe almost. The bed, of course, would be easiest. Though he is a bit tall, so he’d have to spread his legs a bit wider to accommodate Levi if he wanted to be bent over. Maybe the desk would be…

...Huh.

So… Alright.

Desk, then. Levi’d have a pretty good view of how Eren’s back would arch, then. He’d control everything, the speed, the depth, and he’d be in the perfect position to pull Eren’s hair, if Eren likes that sort of thing. He probably would. Levi would ask, obviously, but the thought is… an appealing one. Eren would probably love that idea. Levi would probably be happier on the bed, on his back, if Eren wanted to be the one to fuck him. Levi wouldn’t mind that. Letting go, letting Eren have free reign over his body and mind. Tapping the fuck out of responsibility for an hour or so. That would probably be nice. The image is certainly an intriguing one. Eren, long hair wild and tangled up in Levi’s fingers, golden skin glittering in low candlelight, expression slack with pleasure. It would suit him, Levi would love to watch that happen. He’d look so beautiful, completely undone, and Levi would know he was the one responsible for his pleasure.

Alright. All-fucking-right. So maybe Eren was right, god fucking damn it. Levi had tried to rush it, just to prove that he could, and Eren hadn't let him. He’d wanted Levi to focus on what he wanted and the truth is that Levi wants _all of it_. He wants… All of it. He wants Eren to ruin him, he wants to take Eren apart, he wants so fucking much and it’s unbearable, how do people fucking _cope-_

“Oh, Levi, there you are!”

_Why?!_

“What the fuck do you want, four-eyes?”

“So rude,” Hanji gasps, clutching their chest over their heart. “After all I’ve done for you and you can’t even pretend to be happy to see me?!”

“What, pray tell, the fuck have you done for me lately?”

Hanji hops up on the crate Levi’s been trying to catalogue the contents of for the past hour, effectively ending that fucking task before it can even begin. “How about lying my ass off this morning so Erwin didn’t kick your door down while you overslept?”

Levi narrows his eyes. “That was you?”

“Sure was.” Hanji grins. “Unfortunately, your sunny self was sorely missed. I told Erwin I had you and Eren running drills early this morning and you lost track of time.”

“Huh. Well, shit, guess I do owe you one.”

“Nah, I owe you for forty-eight.”

“Forty-eight what?”

“Forty-eight!” Hanji says. “You know, forty-eighth expedition? The shit that’s literally our job?”

“They have numbers?”

“Erwin _literally_ yells it out before we ride, every single time- You’re fucking with me.”

“Good catch.” Levi smirks. “Which one was forty-eight? Was that the one where you voluntarily stuck your head in a titan’s mouth?”

“That was the one!”

“Right, I remember. I had to drag your ass out before you got your head bitten off.”

“I was distracted! Titan’s have uvulas, Levi! Why?! Why would they even need something like that?!”

“I don’t care. Get off the fucking crate.” Hanji does not. Levi considers forcibly removing them. They’d kick and scream the entire time but Levi would at least get a kick out of throwing them across the courtyard. “Why are you even here? To torment me?”

“Yes,” Hanji says, swinging their legs. “But also to let you know to tell Eren that if Erwin asks where he was this morning, he was running drills with you. I covered for both of you because I’m amazing and you should love me.”

“Right, right. Yes, thank you for that. Your service to humanity is appreciated, you are a credit to your species, is that what you wanted to hear?”

“Please, keep going, I’m loving the energy you’re giving off today. It’s like you’re pissed but also weirdly happy. If I didn’t have a titan keeping me busy, I would _love_ to study you.”

“Yeah, you just make sure you keep your scalpels to your fucking self.”

“Don’t worry, I value my life too much.” They nudge Levi’s leg with the toe of their boot and they’re fucking lucky they don’t leave a muddy stain on his pants or he’d fucking behead them for that. “But what’s got you so happy, hmm? Enjoy your sleepy little lie in with Eren this morning?”

“That’s got nothing to do with it,” Levi grunts.

...Fuck.

He lowers the supply docket, gives Hanji’s disgustingly smug face a long, deeply unimpressed glare, then sighs for about thirty solid seconds. “How long have you known?”

“Suspected? Couple weeks. Known for definite? How long were you sighing for?”

“I hate you,” Levi says, tilting his head up to glare despairingly at the ceiling. “I hate you so much.”

“No, you doooon’t,” Hanji sings at him. “You _love_ me. And congrats. Saw it coming a mile off, but you got there in the end, that’s what’s important.”

“Don’t fucking go spreading it around, okay? Fuck knows what Erwin would do.”

“Oh, he’d give you a lecture about fraternisation and impropriety, talk your ear off for about two hours, but that’d be it. I’m speaking from experience here.”

“Moblit isn’t your subordinate, though.”

“Technically he is,” Hanji says. “He’s my… Oh, what’s the word? Vice Captain? Lieutenant? I forget the actual term, but he’s definitely under my command. Trust me, I got the whole spiel from Erwin about it. Thought I was gonna die in his office. But once he was done, that was it. We work well together and he’s kept me alive this long. Erwin can’t complain about our results, so he leaves us alone for the most part. Also, no one around here obeys the fraternisation rules. Scouts hook up left and right. You do what you need to do to work off stress, I guess.”

“Whatever works, I guess.” Levi looks at them, frowning. “It wasn’t difficult? Being with him when he had to follow your orders?”

“Out there,” Hanji says, pointing in an apparently random direction. “Out past the walls, he follows my orders without question and watches my six when I need him to, just like I watch his. We have our jobs, we follow our orders and we work. But in our downtime? It’s just us. No ranks, no roles.” They smile softly. “It’s remarkably easy to separate the two. People like to make a whole song and dance about it, but it works for us. And I know it’ll work for you and Eren, too.” Their eyes practically sparkle. “I can’t wait to see the both of you in action. I wonder if training together means your techniques will be similar. Though I’ve never met anyone who can spin like you do.”

“I’m not exactly in a hurry to see how Eren fares against titans,” Levi says flatly. “Considering the last time he went up against one he got _fucking eaten_.”

“Right, right. Ooh, I forgot about that.” Hanji grimaces for a moment before brightening. “But he’s a titan now! Don’t tell me you aren’t even a little bit curious to see him in action.”

The worst part is, Hanji’s right. Levi _is_ curious. They’ve trained, they’ve run Eren practically into the ground to get him stable in his titan form, he’s as ready as he’s going to get in the time they’ve had to use, and part of Levi does want to see Eren set loose. He wants to see how viciously the kid who had everything ripped from him will rend a titan in two, he wants to see Eren get the vengeance he’s craved for so long. He wants to watch Eren, savagely beautiful, among a sea of titan corpses.

But he also wants Eren _safe_. So there really isn’t a comfortable middle ground here.

“Doesn’t it drive you mad?” Levi asks. “Knowing that something could happen to Moblit out there?”

“No,” Hanji says. “Because then I’d be giving into the fear and that’s not acceptable. I trust Moblit and he trusts me. The rest is out of our hands. All we can do is fight. No more, no less. Eren’s a fighter and so are you. Together, I don’t think you’ll have anything to be scared of.”

That helps, more than Levi was expecting it to. “Well, thanks,” he says gruffly. “I’ll feel better once we’re back behind the gates, though.”

“Strange little thing, you are,” Hanji says, laughing. “Everyone else wants to get _out_ of the walls.”

“Yeah, well, eventually. Right now I’m just focusing on keeping the brat and my squad safe.”

“Brat is a very strange term of endearment. I would absolutely _love_ to take a look at that bizarre brain of yours. Would you consider donating your body to science?”

“When I finally bite it, Hanji, my corpse is all yours. Go fucking wild.”

Hanji actually squeals at that, clapping their hands excitedly. “Oh, I can’t wait!”

“Fucking charming.”

“Oh, you know what I meant!”

Levi grunts a reluctant laugh at that, swatting them on the head with the supply docket. “Actually, since you’re here and I want payback for you tormenting me, can I ask you a personal question?”

“Oh, please do,” Hanji says, looking deeply intrigued. “I _love_ personal questions. The more probing and inappropriate the better.”

Well, that’s good to know. “Farlan was telling me about you and Moblit. Honestly, if he and Isa hadn’t said anything, I’d never have known.”

“Understandable, we’re not exactly overt about it.”

“Well, everyone else seems to know.”

“You are a bit of a special case.”

Levi glares. “Anyway. You and…” Is he actually doing this? Is this happening? “Moblit.”

“Yeees?” Hanji says expectantly.

God fucking help him. “Your deal with…” He grimaces. “Fucking hell, never mind.”

“Oh, no, you can’t leave me hanging like that!” Hanji protests. “Now I’m going to die of curiosity!”

“Good. Die.”

“Levi!”

“Nope. Changed my mind. Die mad about it. And fuck off, I have work to do.”

“You are so cruel.”

“I’ve been told. Now shove it.”

Dejectedly, Hanji hops off the crate, giving Levi what he assumes is probably meant to be their best “kicked puppy” expression. They just look constipated, honestly, so it’s not really evoking the feelings they hoped it would. “You’re really going to turn me away so cruelly?”

“Yes.”

“Not even if I guess what it is? I’m a good guesser!”

“You know what? Go ahead. If you can guess-”

“You want to know about my experience with sexual desire, right?”

Levi’s going to smash his head through the fucking crate so hard he kills himself. “Farlan fucking told you didn’t he? You fucking- You’re all a bunch of gossipy little-”

“Did I get it right?” Hanji asks, practically glowing. “I did, didn’t I?”

“It doesn’t fucking count if Farlan already ran his fucking shitty mouth!” Levi counters. “I swear to god, I’m going to be having fucking _words_ with that loose-lipped son of a bitch.”

“Oh, calm down,” Hanji says, patting the top of Levi’s head. He is absolutely going to take their fucking hand off for that. He’s going to rip Farlan’s arms off - as promised - and use them to beat Hanji to death. Two dead birds with one bloody, arm-shaped stone. “He just said you might mention it and swear at me the entire time. He didn’t say anything incriminating. You know he loves you too much to hurt you like that.”

Levi glances pointedly towards the pile of gear blades stacked by the far wall. Hanji follows his gaze, barking a loud laugh when they see what he’s looking at. “Alright, alright, I’ll back off. Or do you want me to explain? From the sound of it, you’ve got a neat little problem on your hands that really isn’t actually a problem at all.”

“I want to maim you, is what I want,” Levi snaps. “Permanently and painfully.” He scowls, ears burning. “But before I do, would you _please_ tell me what the fuck it is that I’m dealing with here?”

“Unsure,” Hanji says. “I’ve not exactly got much experience with it. Just myself, and I didn’t have as much to battle through as you probably have. Everyone’s different, which is so much more fun, wouldn’t you agree? Be boring if we were all the same.”

“Yes, I’m positively thrilled by the inherent diversity of mankind,” Levi deadpans. “Just look at me. I’m beside myself, Hanji. Fucking _ecstatic.”_

“Is your sarcasm just a charming personality quirk or a defence mechanism?”

“You know I keep a knife hidden in my boot, right?”

“Levi,” Hanji says, voice dropping from light and teasing into something far more solemn, and the tonal whiplash is so jarring that it eases Levi’s murderous intent significantly. “Ask me and I promise I’ll be honest. I’d like to help, if I can. And I mean that, I’m not trying to mock you here. Fuck knows I had no idea what it was that I was feeling. I can’t imagine what it’s like for you.”

That’s… Alright. Hanji and Levi love to give each other shit, but at the heart of it, Levi really does like them and it’s because of this shit that he’s permitted their company for so long. They’re completely batshit, unashamedly unhinged, tone deaf to any sort of social situations until they’re not, like right now. As much as they love to push every single fucking button Levi possesses, they’ve got a fucking heart of gold hidden under all that insanity.

Levi takes a deep breath. “What… How did you… What the _fuck?_ ”

“No idea,” Hanji says honestly. “All I knew was that there wasn’t anything. _Anything_. And then there was Moblit and suddenly there was _everything_. Quite disarming, honestly.”

“Yeah, that’s a good fucking word for it,” Levi mutters. “How did you fucking cope?”

“Got used to it,” Hanji says, shrugging. They grin widely, winking. “Took advantage of it. Liberally and energetically.”

“Fucking gross.”

“Thank you. Maybe try that one? It’s there now, you’ve got your attachment, you trust Eren, it’s not just going to just go away. Have fun with it. And I mean that with all the sincerity I’m capable of. Learn what you like, at your own pace. There’s no fucking manual for this kind of shit.” They pause, thinking. “I mean, there are for the technical aspects, some really good diagrams for positions if you want-”

“I do not,” Levi says firmly. “And that’s where I’m tapping the fuck out. Thank you for your invaluable and horrific contributions, please leave now. I really don’t want to have to stab you.”

“Aww, I love you, too-” Levi bends his knee, reaching into his boot for his knife and Hanji darts from the supply room. “Bye, Levi!”

“Fucking shitty glasses,” Levi mutters.

That had been ultimately unhelpful, but at least somewhat reassuring anyway. Levi’s not alone, there are more people who feel the way he does, so it’s not a him thing, it’s just a people thing. That’s immensely comforting, actually. And it’s also reassuring to know that it’s not just going to go, that he’s not going to go back to how he was before Eren, where there was nothing. He doesn’t have to rush, he doesn’t have to do anything, force it or plan around it, he can just… Be. Feel what he feels and learn as he goes. He’s always been good at that, so it’s not much of a hardship.

Eren had asked him to think about what it is that he wants. And now? Now Levi has an answer for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Talking about demisexuality with my friends was a wild experience, honestly. It was very much me going "but isn't that how it is for everyone???" and them looking at the camera like they're on the office while they waited for me to Get The Fucking Point.


	51. Chapter 51

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY SHIT I'M LATE SORRY BOUT THAT.
> 
> Honestly this chapter... Got away from me a bit. I had a lot of... Well, writing it was trickier than I anticipated. The vibes of the first draft were rancid, honestly, and I wasn't happy with it. The vibes of the second, though? Fucking immaculate.
> 
> New tags, new rating, let's fucking GO.

Eren is not in Levi’s room when his weird day finally ends. For a moment, Levi’s disappointed, troubled by the absence of the calming presence he’s grown so used to so quickly, but when he thinks about it, gets over the rather jarring hurdle, he understands exactly what’s going on. It’s sweet, but unnecessary. Eren’s always so careful with him, careful in a way few people have ever been, more careful than Levi’s ever _let_ anyone be with him, so he understands that Eren’s unusual absence comes from a place of care. It soothes the sting a little, but Levi would much rather have ended his strange day with Eren’s warm smile like he normally does.

But fine, some time to himself will probably help. And it’s not like Eren hasn’t been here, the absolute bastard must have slipped in shortly before Levi finished up for the day because there’s a fresh pot of tea steaming on Levi’s desk and the window is open, letting the cool evening air in to freshen the room and clear out the stuffiness from the day’s heat. 

The brat really is too thoughtful for his own good. Where does he even find the fucking time?

A cursory sniff reveals the pot to be full of silver needle, brewed - as always - not only to perfection, but to Levi’s standards, which is a much more impressive feat. It’s too enticing to leave, so Levi pours himself a cup after removing his gear harness, sitting at his desk to savour the brew before he washes the day from his skin. Without any tasks demanding his immediate attention, he has plenty of time to think. And yeah, he’s been doing that pretty fucking constantly all damn day thanks to Eren and his… what was it he’d said?

_God, Levi, I want to take you apart._

Right. That.

And how the hell Eren expected Levi to be able to just go about his fucking day after that, Levi has no clue. He wonders if it was the same for the brat, if he spent the remainder of the day they nearly slept away thinking about what he’d asked Levi to do. Probably, knowing Eren. Actually, Levi’s pretty damn certain he wasn’t the only one trying so fucking hard to be normal while on the inside he felt more tangled up than a trainee’s gear wires. Not once did they manage to cross paths today, which was probably for the better, to be perfectly honest. If Levi’d had to meet Eren’s eyes across the courtyard and pretend that everything was fine and dandy, his head would probably have exploded.

It’s not that things aren’t okay, it’s just that Levi’s done what Eren had asked him to do. And the genuine honest answer is that Levi wants _everything_. Unhelpful answer, sure, but until he’s got Eren in front of him he’s not going to know exactly what he wants from the encounter until it’s offered to him. He has to take Eren’s own desires into account because fuck knows the brat sure as hell doesn’t seem to think they matter, and that absolutely does not sit right with Levi. He’s been so focused on Levi’s boundaries, Levi’s desires, that he’s probably not given his own a second fucking thought.

Unacceptable. And it’s why Levi doesn’t yet have a concrete answer to give. Until he can stand in front of Eren and let that newly-familiar heat rise, he won’t know exactly what he wants. Right now he just wants Eren to stop being so fucking careful. He wants Eren to let go for five fucking minutes the way Levi _knows_ that he can. He wants to watch that fire in Eren’s eyes spark with want instead of anger, and he wants Eren to let fucking _go_. His care, his tenderness - while greatly appreciated - is starting to get a bit fucking boring.

Levi finishes his tea and heads for the washroom to shower. It doesn’t have to be tonight, but it needs to be soon. Not because Levi’s trying to rush through it this time, but because if he has to spend another minute _thinking_ rather than _doing_ , he’s going to burst a fucking blood vessel.

Because that’s the problem with Levi. It’s the letting people in that’s the hard part because he overthinks it. Isabel and Farlan, they know him, they know him well and having them close isn’t hard anymore. They’re inside Levi’s boundary and he doesn’t want them to leave. Eren’s the same, he’s inside Levi’s walls and having him there is no hardship, no drain on Levi’s already shallow reserves of social energy. It’s not having people know him that’s the problem, it’s the _getting_ there that’s the issue. Levi doesn’t want to find out what he likes, he wants to already know, he wants Eren to _already know_ how to take him apart and put him back together, the same way Levi wants to already know how to do that for Eren in return. He doesn’t want to stumble around exploratively until they find out what works and what doesn’t.

But there’s no way around that. They have to find out together. And Levi knows it won’t be bad, but it’ll still be awkward and he’s not sure he’s equipped to deal with that. And _that_ is where his uncertainty lies. 

Maybe he should let his own arrogance try to comfort him here. He’s not yet ever encountered anything he hasn’t excelled in, it’s just not how he works. Manoeuvre gear, titan killing, strategy and battle tactics, he’s unrivalled. He’s vicious, deadly, unstoppable. But if he turns his hand towards tenderness rather than pain… Well, he fucking sucks at it.

Except… That’s not quite true, is it? This morning, in Eren’s arms, he’d been comfortable, he’d been _happy_. The times he’s managed to steal Eren away for an afternoon ride, he’s been calm, he’s been softer, with Eren and with himself. So maybe it’s not that he sucks at it. Maybe he’s just being his own fucking worst critic.

Honestly? That tracks.

He stands under the water until it shifts from lukewarm to icy cold, until the old pipes clang in protest and the reserves run dry for the night, and even then he doesn’t feel much better. Not that he’s feeling _bad_ , per se, just that he’s been expecting some moment of clarity to wash away the lingering unease, but so far he’s not gotten there yet. And to add to the frustrations, the cool, citrus scent of his soap smells _wrong_ , too fresh, too cold. It’s not the rich scent of verbena and buckthorn that he aches for now.

Irritably, Levi dries off, rakes his fingers through the damp strands of his hair, throws on the soft cotton pants he prefers to sleep in and the worn grey shirt that’s pretty much the only article of clothing he owns that isn’t part of his uniform. The silver needle left in the pot is still hot enough to be enjoyed so Levi pours himself another cup and glares at his bed like it’s personally wronged him. It has, in a way, because if he settles down now he’s going to toss and fucking turn even more than he usually does, all because one night was enough to ruin his ability to sleep alone.

He doesn’t _have_ to, though. He could go to Eren’s room, ask him to come join him for the night. Eren would take one look at him and agree, all gentle smiles and tenderness and Levi would love every stupid fucking second of it. And while that’s nice and part of Levi desperately wants that, he also wants to march himself to Eren’s room and get _off_. He wants to kick the door down and tackle Eren across the fucking bed, honestly. He’s had _enough_ of waiting. He used to be able to fucking trust himself, his instincts, his reactions. Now, just because they’re a little newer, less familiar, Levi’s lost the confidence he fucking prided himself on.

Though… Has he? There’s an option here - a really fucking good one - and the more Levi thinks about it, the more he fucking wants it. Eren wants him, Levi is vividly aware of that fact, is pretty fucking pleased about it, actually. He could go to Eren, let Eren do all the things he wants to do but won’t _let_ himself want because he’s overly mindful of Levi. And Levi wants Eren to let go, wants them to get to a point where Levi can turn the control over to Eren, lose himself in the pleasure he _knows_ Eren will give him, enjoy himself and happily release the control he’s held onto all his life.

And he knows they’ll get there. He’ll be able to give Eren everything he wants to, soon. But for now… Levi knows what he wants and he’s got a pretty fucking solid idea of how he’s going to get it.

Levi fucking _knows_ that if he gave Eren the go ahead, he’d absolutely _wreck_ him. But Levi just can’t give up that control yet.

And… Well, that’s the answer, really, isn’t it? Whether it’s Levi’s preference he can’t possibly know yet, not until they’ve done _something_ at least. He won’t know what he likes until they’ve done it, won’t know what he prefers until they’ve found it. For now, all they can do is try and Levi’s so fucking far beyond impatient for it that it’s not even funny. All he knows is that giving up control is not an option yet, and he doesn’t want it to be. In time, yes, but now?

No. Levi’s control is the only thing he has. It’s what’s kept him alive, what’s kept him strong. He’s not just going to be able to give it away easily, not even to Eren. He wants to keep himself shrouded in it, to take away Eren’s chance to be careful with him. If Levi can set the pace, he can subvert the tenderness Eren’s always so mindful to offer him. Levi loves that part of Eren, won’t ever pretend that he doesn’t, but if they’re going to get anywhere good, Levi’s going to have to take some fucking steps.

It almost feels like a battle strategy. And _that? That_ is something Levi knows how to do _well_.

Enough waiting. _Enough_. Levi knows what he wants.

He’s moving before he can overthink it, snatching the small bottle out of his bedside drawer - fucking Farlan and his fucking stupid meddling that Levi is _so_ begrudgingly grateful for - and then striding down the hall that is mercifully quiet despite the relatively early hour. The closer the expedition date creeps, the less Levi has to worry about wandering scouts, and not just because there’s barely anyone else in the wing Levi and Eren have chosen their quarters in. The scouts all have their own pre-mission traditions, usually bonfires and alcohol and though Levi’s never been one to join their strange little rituals, he doesn’t begrudge them the comfort they manage to find in their comrades’ company. 

It means, though, that their private little wing of the castle will be quiet, empty, and Levi won’t have to worry about curious ears overhearing things they aren’t meant to. He doesn’t particularly care, but he’s always cherished his privacy and Eren’s by extension, and the last thing they need - on top of literally everything else - is Erwin catching wind of any of this.

But none of that matters now. What matters is the soft glow underneath Eren’s door and the fact that every part of Levi’s body is aching to see him. He needed the space, yes, needed it more than he realised, but he’s _done_ with it now. He’s done being on his own.

He raises his hand, doesn’t even hesitate, and knocks softly on the age-worn wood.

He hears a clatter from inside, a light “just a sec!” that’s somehow hopelessly endearing, and a shadow obscures the light beneath the door for just a moment before the latch clicks and the hinges creak and warm light bathes the dark hallway when Eren pulls the door open.

“Oh,” Eren says, looking genuinely surprised. Then he smiles, soft and warm. “Hi.”

Soft. Warm. Levi loves that about him. But what he loves _most_ is Eren’s fire. And right now Levi doesn’t want to be cherished. He wants to get burned.

“Figured some shit out,” Levi says, folding his arms. “Now it’s up to you.”

“Me?” Eren’s brows inch up his forehead. “What’s up to me?”

“I know what _I_ want,” Levi says meaningfully. “So, it’s down to you now. Together, or not at all, right? Either way, I don’t mind. You can let me in or not, but if not then if it’s all the same to you, I’d still like some company, so…” He shrugs one shoulder, letting the implication hang.

Eren regards him for a long moment, leaning against the door jamb. “So if I close the door, what happens?”

“I’ll go. Preferably, you’ll come with me, and I’ll put some tea on and we can talk, like always.” It’s their routine and going without it, even for an afternoon, is frankly unbearable.

Eren hums, lips twitching. The little shit’s playing coy. “And if I let you in?”

Levi smirks. “What was it you said? About taking me apart?” Eren’s eyes widen, throat bobbing as he swallows and Levi _wants_. “Not quite yet,” he says with relish, enjoying immensely the look of half-aroused confusion that flickers over Eren’s face.

“Then… what?” Eren asks like he’s half-afraid of the answer.

Levi holds up the little bottle in his hand so the half-light from the lantern inside Eren’s room glints off of it. “I think I’d quite like to ruin you,” Levi says softly, voice dipping low. “If you’ll let me.”

Something new happens to Eren’s eyes then. Levi’d seen something like it this morning, but with nowhere near this level of intensity. In the years he’s known Eren, he’s found it consistently hard and sometimes nigh on impossible to describe the colour of his eyes. They tend to fluctuate between deep blue and verdant green, often meeting in the middle in brilliant turquoise, sometimes even shining gold in the right light. They’d darkened this morning, dipping low with the arousal he’s been so careful to keep in check. 

But not once, in all the time Levi’s known him, have they ever gone black. 

Eren takes a measured step back, dark eyes still wide, and Levi takes that as the invitation it’s intended to be. He doesn’t even need to think twice about crossing the threshold, leaves his pointless concerns at the fucking door because tonight is for them and Levi knows now what it is that he wants. Control in all things, assurance and confidence. He’d been so out of his head about all of this, but he now knows that’s not his fault. It’s not Eren’s either, Levi had been uncertain about his ability to cede control. But he doesn’t have to.

He’s tired of Eren being careful with him. He has no such qualms about being careful with Eren. 

He’s not really been in Eren’s room before, only in passing. It doesn’t look any different from the way it had looked when they’d occupied the castle, lit up by a low burning lantern, cleaner, less dusty than it was when they found it, but nothing inside it really describes its occupant in any way. Makes sense, really. The only room in the castle that looks like it’s lived in is the Pit, and that’s because Hanji’s insane. But it’s not right, Eren should have belongings, personal effects, things to make this space his own. Levi should talk to Erwin, see about taking the brat into Calaneth or something, do some fucking shopping, for god’s sake. Fuck knows they deserve it. And once the expedition is over, Eren will have earned his first proper wage and...

Right. There’s that to- No. Let’s shelve that for now. Tonight is for _them._

Levi turns when the bolt on the door slides home, half expecting to find Eren in the middle of some sort of flustered breakdown. Maybe it’s a bit cruel of him, but Levi does so love to watch the way Eren’s brain visibly stutters when faced with anything sexual. It’s hilarious but also comforting, in a way, to know that this is as new to Eren as it is to Levi. But something has shifted in Levi’s perception now. The concept of passiveness that’s been bothering him since the start is gone and he knows what he wants. And Eren, though he looks a bit like a deer caught in a hunter’s sights, has an expression of hungry curiosity on his face.

Levi’s on him in seconds.

They’ve gone about this backwards. Levi was so concerned about overstepping, Eren was too worried about pushing too hard that it hindered how he reached out. Their uncertainty has bled into every interaction they’ve had, no matter how pleasant they seemed at the time, there was still that fucking uncertainty rippling below the surface, making them second-guess everything. Levi’s sick of it, he’s so fucking done with it and he’s finished with it all. It’s time for them to take what they want, meet in the middle and now they clash together with the force of a fucking explosion, Levi’s hands in Eren’s shirt and Eren’s fingers tangling in Levi’s hair like they can’t get close enough. 

_This_ is what Levi wants.

He’d never hurt Eren and he lets that certainty - for once - fuel his actions. He has them across the room in moments, hands under Eren’s shirt, pushing the fabric up, up, over his head, discarding it carelessly to some corner of the room. In return, Levi lets Eren do the same, yank his shirt off with a speed that would be amusing if arousal wasn’t currently burning down Levi’s spine like a branding iron. He’d wanted to tackle Eren across the bed and there’s no reason why he can’t now, so that’s exactly what he fucking does. Hands at Eren’s hips, Levi pulls him roughly, turning them both so the backs of Eren’s knees hit the edge of the bed and are forced to buckle, and as he topples Levi follows him down, unwilling to separate their mouths for a second.

He kisses Eren the way they’d collided in the stables almost a lifetime ago. Insistent lips, the heat of Eren’s tongue in his mouth, the thrill of nails scratching along his undercut and down the sensitive skin of his neck. Levi arches into the touch with a careless desire he hadn’t known he’d been capable of, body burning everywhere they touch.

But he still has to ask. As sick as he is of their tentative dance, it will always be _together, or not at all._

He sits up, nestled quite comfortably between Eren’s spread legs, holds up the little vial of oil that had stirred Eren’s interest so thoroughly at the door. Eren’s flushed all the way down his neck, right to his chest, and his wide, dark eyes fix on the vial with the kind of intensity Levi’s always adored about him. He swallows hard, eyes flickering between the vial and Levi’s face.

“Yes?” Levi asks, almost teasingly, wiggling the vial in his fingers. “You have to tell me, Eren. I want to hear you say it.”

Eren’s eyes dip impossibly darker and he’s nodding before Levi’s even finished speaking. “Please,” he says, voice rough and low. His tongue flicks out to wet his lips and Levi is struck with the visceral urge to bite those kiss-swollen lips. “Levi, please.”

“Please what?”

The response is immediate and gratifyingly desperate. “Fuck me.”

Music to Levi’s fucking ears. Levi might struggle to verbalise, but he knew if he gave Eren the opportunity, he wouldn’t disappoint. He never does. Levi loves him so much and he’s set on showing him exactly how deep that adoration runs. 

“Good boy,” Levi says and Eren _whines_. 

Discarding the vial onto the bedsheets for now, Levi descends on Eren like a man starved, slotting their lips together and slipping his tongue into Eren’s willing mouth. Though Levi’s shirtless, Eren’s hands still clutch at him, desperate for something to hold onto, and with the lack of fabric to catch and cling to, he settles for digging his nails into the skin of Levi’s back and Levi shivers at the not-quite-pain of it, revelling in the intoxicating catch and scratch against his heated skin.

There are so many things he wants to do, too many to make any sort of fucking sense of right now, especially when Eren’s arching under him like he wants to crack open Levi’s rib cage and crawl inside and Levi wants to fucking let him. He wants Eren on his back, on his knees, above him, below him, everywhere and every way he can have him. But for tonight, he’ll settle for this, though settling isn’t the right word. He just needs to have Eren under him like this and is loath to do anything that might take that away from him.

He does have to dislodge Eren’s hands, though. It’s difficult enough to move his lips away from Eren’s skin without his arms cinched around Levi’s body like a vice, so he shakes his shoulders, reaches up to grab Eren’s wrists and pin them to the bed above his head. Eren’s wild eyes flick up and the muscles in his arms strain as he tests Levi’s grip, and Levi fucking delights in the harsh gasp that shakes out of Eren’s mouth when he can’t move an inch.

“Be good and stay still,” Levi tells him, enjoying the way the flush on Eren’s skin burns deeper. “Make all the noise you want, though.”

“Fuck you,” Eren groans, back arching. “What the _fuck_ , Levi?”

Amused, Levi leans up to nip Eren’s jaw. “Did you think this was going to go differently?”

Eren’s glare tells Levi he’s right. “Yeah,” he admits, attempting to look put out and failing hilariously. 

“Thought so,” Levi murmurs, biting into the skin of Eren’s pretty throat and soothing the bite with an open-mouthed kiss that makes him stutter adorably. “You shouldn’t have been so careful.”

Eren growls, low and deeply appealing to the lust-filled cloud over Levi’s mind. “I wanted to be.”

“I know,” Levi says, kissing him long and slow and delighting in the way Eren’s body goes wonderfully pliant beneath his own. “And I love you for it. But you don’t need to be careful with me, Eren. Do you want me to be careful with you?”

Eren’s staring at him. Eyes wide, mouth slack, he stares at Levi like he’s looking at something holy, something unreal. Levi’s about to question Eren’s mental acuity when he realises exactly what the fuck it is that’s making Eren look at him like that.

So the uncertainty really _had_ been holding him back. All this time, Levi’s just been trying to find his footing. Now that he has it, now that he’s sure, things that were difficult before come so easily now.

“I…” Eren swallows hard. “Levi…”

“Didn’t you know already?” Levi asks, taking both Eren’s wrists into one of his and dragging his thumb over Eren’s full lower lip, tugging it down and following the motion with his mouth, biting softly just to hear the way Eren’s breath hitches. 

“I knew,” Eren says faintly. “I just….” He takes a deep, unsteady breath. “I love you, too.”

“I know,” Levi says, pleased. “Now do you want me to be careful with you, Eren?” The response, when it comes after a long, heavy moment, sends a flash of heat pooling low in Levi’s gut. Wide-eyed, Eren shakes his head, and Levi all but purrs at him. “Good boy.”

Eren moans. Levi’s barely touching him, but he moans all the same, a breathless, ragged noise that sounds like it’s been dragged out of him. Levi never wants to hear anything else, except perhaps his own name, stuttered out deliriously when Eren can’t take any more. Yes, that’s what Levi wants and he’s going to fucking get it by any means necessary. 

“Keep your hands up,” Levi warns him. “Or I’ll walk right the fuck out that door.”

Eren’s fists clench and it looks like it takes monumental effort, but he nods after a moment, eyes flicking up toward the ceiling. Pleased, Levi slips a little further down the bed, intent on taking Eren’s pants with him. It doesn’t take much effort to get them unfastened, which is a fucking mercy because Levi’s so far past aroused that it’s getting difficult to make his limbs obey him, but he has Eren’s pants loosened and is dragging them down slender legs as quickly as he can get away with, is gratified when Eren lifts his hips to help. They join their shirts somewhere on the floor and Levi sits back on his knees to just look, deeply appreciative of the sight before him.

Eren’s skin is flushed all over, patches of red marring skin turned honey-gold by the lantern light. His body is a map of lean muscle and yet there are still soft parts of him that Levi wants to put his teeth and tongue to; the skin around his waist, the graceful slant of his pelvic bones. Levi’s seen it before, though in wildly different circumstances. When they’d bathed, there had been no intent behind the moment, no driving force, no desired conclusion. All Levi had wanted was a no-pressure chance to explore what intimacy could be and Eren had given him that. He’d loved it, more than he thought he would, but now the intention has flared and Levi wants to take them both past the point of no return, wants to know what Eren looks like when he’s taken to his limits.

It’s suddenly very difficult to breathe.

Overcome with the urge to offer Eren at least some of the tenderness he’s shown Levi since they began this… wonderful thing between them, Levi trails his palms up the inside of Eren’s slender, sculpted thighs. He’s warm there, so warm, and he twitches the higher up Levi strokes his hands, lower lip caught tight between his teeth. His eyes are shut tight, like he’s trying to concentrate on feeling rather than seeing, which is fine, Levi wants him to feel. He wants Eren to feel what Levi feels, wants Eren to feel the depth of the affection and desire Levi has for him.

“Beautiful,” Levi murmurs before he can stop himself. Eren burns beneath him, eyes flying open with a helpless expression and Levi can’t resist dropping a kiss to the inside of his knee. “Are you alright like this? It might be easier if you turn-”

“Like this,” Eren says in a rush. “Like this, _please.”_

Levi understands. He might go mad if he has to do this without being able to see Eren’s face. “Alright,” he says, dropping another kiss to Eren’s overheated skin. He reaches for the discarded vial and Eren’s breathing stutters. “Do you want me to talk you through what’s going to happen?” As much as Levi would _dearly_ love to forget everything Farlan had told him, it’s going to be invaluable now. The last thing he wants to do is hurt Eren, push him past a point he can comfortably handle, even if talking isn’t the easiest thing for him to do, he’ll do that if Eren needs him to.

“Hhhh,” Eren wheezes out. He swallows hard, opens his mouth, but no sound comes out. He looks like he can’t decide whether to shake his head or nod, so Levi waits patiently for him to work through his own thoughts before he voices them. “I… I know. Like, I’m not-” He coughs. “I’ve…” His eyes swivel to his own nightstand and Levi’s too curious not to look, reaching over to tug the drawer open. He’s greeted by a half-empty vial identical to the one in his hand.

“What am I looking at, Eren?” Levi asks, voice deceptively light as he lifts the vial out. “Something you’d like to share with the class?”

Eren cannot get any redder, physically. It’s a wonder there’s any blood left in his body to flush it, considering the state of what’s going on beneath his underwear. “I’m- I’ve done- Some stuff. By myself, obviously! I just…” He laughs, high and strained. “I was curious.”

“Curious,” Levi echoes. 

“I was-” Eren huffs, glancing away. “I thought this would go- differently. I wanted to have at least _some_ idea of what I was doing.”

Levi looks down at the vial. “So you…?”

“I mean, yeah.” Eren glances back to him nervously. “Is that… Alright?”

Levi looks at him. “Give me a minute, Eren, I’m so fucking hard it’s a bit difficult to form words right now.”

Eren inhales sharply. “O-Oh.”

Levi knows exactly what Eren would have done. Curious, determined, thoughtful Eren, alone in his quarters with nothing but a hope and a fantasy to guide him, stumbling through what he’d wanted to do to Levi, using his own body as an experiment. Likely finding out things he likes in the process, so he could use it to take Levi apart when the time came. And the time will come, Levi is sure of that. Tonight is for the both of them, Levi just needs to lead them while he learns how they can move together, until he’s comfortable enough to pass over control. He wants Eren to do the same to him, too.

Levi is going to _ruin_ him.

“And did you like it?” Levi asks when he can trust his voice to stay level. “I’ll only do this if you want it, too.”

Eren looks back at him then, clear-eyed and sure. He nods, a slow and sure dip of his head and Levi is back on him in an instant, tucked up between his legs so he can kiss Eren with everything in him. He tries to say everything he’s ever struggled to communicate with that kiss; all his desire, all his love, his longing, his adoration for everything that Eren is, he tries to push it all through the connection. Eren, utterly _perfect_ Eren, meets him halfway with a soft moan that Levi eagerly swallows, his breath filling Levi’s lungs.

“Eren,” Levi murmurs against his lips. It’s all he can say.

“Levi,” Eren answers, wonderfully breathless.

Levi pulls back, pressing one last kiss to Eren’s lips for now, and moves his hands to Eren’s waist, fingers curling into the band of his smallclothes. Eren nods, eager, and Levi drags them down his tapered hips, throwing them away carelessly before turning his gaze back to Eren’s body, bare and perfect.

His gear bruises run deep, will only deepen with time as Levi knows well, but strangely they suit him. Eren was always meant to be a scout, it seems. It runs in his blood, burns in his veins, and Levi was wrong to ever try and turn him away from this path. His body is a honed weapon, years of training sculpting it into something beautiful and deadly, and Levi adores every inch of it. He bears no scars thanks to the titan power he possesses, the only marks on his body the gear bruises that never seem to heal. Levi doesn’t understand why they’re the only marks that don’t leave, doesn’t know if maybe there’s a part of Eren that wants them to stay behind, but if that’s the case, Levi understands. It’s the mark of the life they’ve chosen, the proof of their dedication.

Eren shifts under Levi’s gaze but he stays quiet, letting Levi do as he pleases. Levi appreciates the opportunity to just look, to admire the planes of Eren’s body, his strong arms, his broad chest, the dip of his naval and the jut of his hip bones. Finally, Levi lets his gaze drift to Eren’s cock, hard and flushed like the rest of his body, curved up against his stomach, heavy under its own weight. The sight of it sends that insistent burn throbbing through Levi’s abdomen, coiling tight, begging to be released.

He’s moving before the conscious thought comes for him to do so, fingers drifting over skin that’s silky soft under his fingertips, burning hot and firm. Eren stutters out a gasp, hips twitching, and his head falls back against the mattress with a muted thump.

“Don’t tease,” he chokes out, somewhat desperately. A shame, really, because that’s what Levi really wants to do.

“Alright,” Levi says out of a sense of benevolence he really doesn’t fucking feel like indulging right now, but there’s not a lot he wouldn’t do if Eren asked. “Knees up, then.”

Eren obeys, bending long legs at the knees, feet planted firm against the mattress. The angle still isn’t great so Levi snatches a pillow from the top of the bed and stuffs it under Eren’s hips. Eren makes a curious sound that Levi shushes with a kiss to his knee, settling back on his heels and lifting the vial to his lips, uncorking it with his teeth. The scent of rose is surprising, faint and sweet but not unpleasant, and Levi pours a generous amount into his palm, nose wrinkling a little at the way the residue coats his fingers. It’ll be hell to wash off, but he doesn’t really think Eren would appreciate him disappearing down to the infirmary to hunt down a pair of gloves.

Yeah, definitely not. And there’s nothing in the fucking world that could tear Levi away from Eren right now. Titans could break through the fucking gates and Levi would make them fucking wait until he was finished to kill them. There is nothing more important than Eren beneath him, flushed, hard, and wanting. Nothing in the fucking _world_.

For his own benefit as much as Eren’s, he slips his un-oiled hand beneath Eren’s right leg, tucking it into the bend of his knee. He pushes lightly and Eren makes a _sound_ , a partly-embarrassed little stutter of a whine that catches pleasantly in his throat as Levi eases his leg up, and though he disobeys his earlier order and moves his hands so he can throw an arm over his eyes, Levi doesn’t chastise him for it. He’s got more pressing matters to attend to.

Levi had said he wouldn’t be careful, but that doesn’t extend to this part. Once he knows Eren is well prepared and ready, he’ll let go, not a moment before. With that in mind, he nudges the pads of his fingers to the tight ring of muscle, a barely-there brush of contact that still has Eren tensing, muscles coiling tight. Levi draws back, watchful, and it’s a moment before Eren lifts his arm and peers out at Levi from beneath it.

“...Why’d-”

“Okay?” _Together, or not at all._

“Wh- Yes- _Yeah_. Levi, please…” Eren’s throat ripples as he swallows, expression so tight with want it looks almost pained. 

_Yes_. That’s what Levi wants; the desperate catch to Eren’s words. He presses forward, nudging his fingertips to the muscle again and a shiver ripples the entire length of Eren’s body, head to toe. Bolstered, Levi drags his fingers in a slow circle, massaging oil into the skin, delighting in every twitch and shiver of Eren’s body, and when Eren’s breathing starts to hitch and his hips begin to twitch in time with the rhythmic motions of Levi’s fingers, only then does Levi press inside.

Whatever reaction he's expecting, it isn't for a startled laugh to shiver out of Eren’s throat. A soft sound, a hitching, gasping breath of laughter that has Levi glancing up curiously. Eren’s arm is back over his face, obscuring most of it from Levi’s gaze and he has half a mind to slap it away, but he won’t take away whatever motions are keeping Eren grounded right now. But still, though, he wants to see Eren’s face.

“Alright?”

“Mh, yeah,” Eren murmurs, voice tight. “Just- Weird, when it’s someone else.”

Understandable, really. “Want me to give you a minute?”

Eren snorts, raises his arm to give Levi a _look_. “Honestly, I want you to just fucking go for it, but I’m guessing that’s going to be a no.”

“You guess right.”

“Mm. But no, you’re good. Keep going. Please.”

Levi does, reassured, easing his finger deeper into warm, dry heat. Eren’s body doesn’t exactly welcome him, not at first, and each inch that Eren takes makes his body twitch like he’s not sure what to do about the intrusion. The push in is an easy glide, though, so Levi’s pretty sure there’s enough oil to ease the way. There had fucking better be, because it’s dripping down his fucking wrist at this point and he really doesn’t want to have to use more. He will, though, of course he will. He won’t hurt Eren. Not ever.

Eren doesn’t do much beyond twitching intermittently around Levi’s finger. His breathing has evened out like he’s making conscious effort to do so, and his erection is flagging a little against his stomach, but Levi had been expecting that. He’ll be hard again in no time, if Levi has anything to fucking say about it. He gives his finger a tentative curl before drawing out, and it’s on the withdrawal that Eren makes a soft, pleased sound, no more than a hum, that licks like fire over Levi’s nerves.

“Good?”

“Yeah.” A breathy sigh. “Keep going.”

A few, slow, steady thrusts of his finger has Eren sighing with each exhale, back arching as his body adjusts to the intrusion. A second finger joins the first once Levi is pleased with the relaxed state of Eren’s body, and that’s when things get interesting. The first pass makes Eren squirm a little, legs falling wider apart to accommodate the additional finger, but when Levi curls them, twisting a little deeper, Eren makes a startled sound, a high gasp that has Levi’s body taking _notice._

“There?”

“Please.” It comes out in a rush and Eren’s arm finally falls away from his face. He looks bright, alert and eager, propping himself up on his elbows. Levi watches his face intently as he presses in deep, fingers curling, nudging against Eren’s insides in his search for-

All the breath leaves Eren’s lungs in a rush, stomach muscles quivering. He clenches around Levi’s fingers, dick giving a rather enticing twitch against his stomach and that sure as hell isn’t a thought Levi ever thought he’d think.

“Good?” Levi asks, startled by how rough his voice sounds to his own ears.

Eren nods, a quick jerky motion, flush sitting prettily on his high cheekbones. “Can’t…” He drags a ragged breath past his lips with a shaky smile. “Couldn’t get the angle right by myself.” 

His words hit Levi like a punch to the gut. “Eren,” he warns, voice low. He’s met with a bright, mischievous smile that makes him _ache_. “Eren,” he says again, fingers curling deep, and leers with dark satisfaction when Eren’s arms give out and he falls back into the mattress with a huff. 

It’s like moving with the most intuitive set of gear Levi’s ever flown with. The right movements, the right touch - a flutter of his fingers and Eren’s entire body buckles with a moan. Each drag of his fingertips inside Eren’s body draws out the most beautiful sounds and Levi wants to drown in them. He wants to coil up inside Eren’s chest, feel every beat of his heart against his own, hear and feel it thudding in a desperate beat to the chant of his name; _Le-vi, Le-vi, Le-vi._

It shouldn’t be possible to love someone this much.

Three fingers has Eren crying out, the first but hopefully not the last of the night. The sound is high, desperate, echoing off the stone walls and embedding itself in Levi’s bones. Eren gasps with each press of fingers, whines when Levi gives into the steadily mounting urge to wrap his free hand around the hard, leaking length of Eren’s cock, thus far neglected against his stomach. He gives a low, urgent sound when Levi thumbs over the tip, reaching out as though to push Levi away, and that’s when Levi knows that he’s ready.

“Please,” Eren says, the sound ripped out of him alongside the fingers Levi gently slips free. “Levi, _please.”_ He reaches out and Levi kneels up, leans in, every part of his body straining to be closer, to let Eren’s arms pull him in. The kiss Eren takes for himself is a clumsy, messy thing, and Levi loves it with everything he is. With a steadying hand on Eren’s jaw he guides Eren into a proper kiss, licking possessively into his mouth. Eren groans, soft and sweet, and Levi _burns_.

“Please,” he murmurs as Levi draws back. He utters it again, a whisper, a prayer, as Levi nudges his legs up, skims his palms over the smooth skin of Eren’s thighs. His eyes are heavy-lidded, dark and hazy, yet they fix on Levi with an intensity that’s slowly starting to drive him insane.

He’s so hard it _hurts_.

He’s expecting some sort of fear. Even amidst everything, he still expects the panic to rise up, the instinct to make him draw back, to recoil, to douse the fire between them. It doesn’t come. Not for a moment. All that’s left inside him is a want so visceral it feels like a physical thing caught tight between their bodies, connecting them in places Levi cannot see. He gives into it readily, eagerly, and with a gentle shift of his knees, settles between Eren’s trembling legs to begin the slow push inside.

Eren’s body _bows_. He’s relaxed, open, slick and wanting, but even so he’s tight, so impossibly tight and a strained growl slips through Levi’s clenched teeth as he sinks inch by burning inch into heat. Eren’s head is turned away, tilted down, eyes fluttering closed while his mouth hangs open, slack with panted breaths that hitch the deeper Levi pushes into his body. It takes every ounce of his considerable self-control to go slow, to ease Eren into it, and his nerves are alight with pleasure that crackles along every inch of his skin. Eren’s body yields to him willingly, wonderfully, and _god,_ at this rate Levi’s not going to survive the night.

An eternity, maybe, and Levi’s hips nudge into Eren’s, heated skin flush to heated skin, and as he settles a punched-out sound gusts past Eren’s slack lips. A light sheen of sweat coats his limbs, sparkling in the light from the low-burning candle in his lantern and Levi has to close his eyes, breathe slow and deep, because if he doesn’t he’s going to come and he won’t get to see Eren undone.

“Levi…” The name is barely a breath, reverent, pleading. Levi cracks open an eye, sees fathomless turquoise gazing back at him, hazy with pleasure. Eren’s hard, painfully so, fists clenched tight in the sheets. _”Please.”_

A stuttered breath. Levi doesn’t know if it’s his or Eren’s, but it doesn’t matter. He nods, slips his hands under Eren’s knees, moving purely on instinct as he slowly, so very slowly, bends Eren’s body in half. He’s flexible - _fuck_ \- so flexible, bowing easily under Levi’s touch, and the way he drags his lower lip between his teeth is fucking sinful. A flash of heat and Levi has to fucking move, he can’t bear this anymore, can’t stand Eren’s gaze scorching his skin like that. With a slow roll of his hips, Levi draws out and Eren moans like he’s dying, ragged and raw.

 _“Yes.”_ He moans the word, drawing the single syllable out with a sibilant hiss. 

Finding a rhythm is easy. Sticking to it is the hard part, but Levi can trust his body if he can’t currently trust his mind. Eren’s in every part of him, in his lungs, his blood, the sight, sound, scent, taste of him, Levi’s drowning in it and he never wants it to fucking stop. He’s as close to Eren as it’s possible to be and he still wants more. It makes no sense, no fucking sense at all, but Levi doesn’t need it to. His entire world narrows down to the parts their bodies are touching, to the curl of pressure building low in his gut, to the sinful drag of Eren’s insides over his skin.

The rhythm is easy. Levi’s body falls into it like it was meant to do this, the slow roll of his hips, the deep grind on every thrust that has Eren crying out for him. He’s panting, chest tight with the force of everything he’s feeling, overwhelming and perfect. Eren’s back arches with every inward thrust, sighs and moans pushed out of him with the force of Levi’s movements. Levi’s skin is too slick with sweat for Eren to hold onto, so Levi bends his body further, curls over Eren to try desperately to slot their mouths together, but neither of them has the presence of mind to be able to do much else but press their mouths to one another’s and breathe together.

_”H-Haah, Levi-”_

Eren’s nails scratch a delicious burn down Levi’s back. He hopes- He hopes to god the marks won’t fade, not ever. Even when Eren surges up, overcome, sinks his teeth into Levi’s shoulder around a sobbing moan, desperate for everything Levi can give him, Levi hopes the marks never fade. He wants nothing more than to forget his cravat tomorrow, to let the world see the marks Eren’s left on his skin, knows that he himself is going to delight in every glimpse of the pale bruises he bites into Eren’s throat, hopes they never heal.

_”Levi-!”_

Eren cries out, back arching, when Levi’s hips stutter and he might be saying Levi’s name or he might be cursing but Levi can’t hear past the blood thrumming in his ears. The burn beneath his skin has reached an unbearable intensity, singing along his nerves, crackling down his spine, curling in his gut, tight, hot, a throb of pleasure so intense it blurs his vision at the edges.

He’s not going to last. Eren is everywhere. He can’t even think, he barely has enough presence of mind to slip a hand between their bodies and wrap it around Eren’s cock, pushing it into the tight ring of his fingers with every buck of his hips. Eren tenses, cries out a garbled mess of Levi’s name that’s the sweetest thing Levi’s ever heard in his fucking life.

He’s- He shouldn’t- He needs- 

_“Eren-n-”_ It’s the only word that matters.

He’s gone before the thought can even finish, pressure building, releasing with a snap that sends pleasure radiating through his abdomen, to his spine, every inch of his body in waves. Eren sobs below him, tense enough to break, and when Levi comes Eren’s wet eyes fly open, a startled cry on his lips that chokes into a moan halfway through, strangled and hoarse. He twitches in Levi’s grip, shudders in Levi’s arms as he comes, panting against Levi’s shoulder and it’s so fucking good Levi’s back teeth _ache_.

He still has enough presence of mind to withdraw slowly, soothing the uncomfortable hiss Eren lets out with a kiss to his sweaty brow. His hair’s a fucking mess, tangled and wild, and he pushes a shaking hand through it as Levi eases over onto his side, panting softly towards the ceiling.

A moment passes, heavy and fraught.

Then Eren grunts and rolls and though he is so impossibly overheated, Levi lifts an arm to let Eren burrow in close, cheek burning against Levi’s chest.

“...We can’t sleep like this,” Levi grumbles when he can remember how to speak, though moving is going to take some serious fucking effort. “We’re sideways.”

“You’re sideways,” Eren mumbles into his skin. “Fucking hell, Levi.”

Satisfaction, bone-deep and warm. “Yeah? That good?”

“I hate you,” Eren says, and the words would probably sting more if he wasn’t slurring like he can’t control his own tongue. “What the fuck was _that?_ ”

Levi can’t quite help the stupid smile that twists its way lazily across his face. “Showing you how it’s done.”

“Cocky bastard,” Eren grunts. He drags his head up to glare at Levi rather ineffectually, but seems to change his mind halfway through and leans up with the last bit of energy left in his body so he can press his mouth softly to the smiling curve of Levi’s lips. “I don’t think I’m going to be able to walk in the morning.”

 _Good_. “What, you want the day off? Lazy shit.”

“You aren’t allowed to insult me after you’ve pounded my ass into the mattress. That’s just fucking rude.”

Levi snorts, wheezes out a reluctant laugh that makes Eren grin, all soft and relaxed and so fucking beautiful it makes Levi’s chest hurt. He drags his fingers through Eren’s tousled hair, doesn’t mind that the strands are slick with sweat, doesn’t fucking care that they should probably shower, because he’s never fucking leaving this bed. Ever. “Okay?”

“Are you kidding?” Eren asks, leaning into Levi’s touch like a cat. “Fucking hell, Levi, that… Yeah.”

“Good.”

Eren flushes suddenly, which shouldn’t be possible considering his body hasn’t dipped below crimson since Levi walked into the fucking room, and the way he ducks his head is making Levi all kinds of curious, even though he wants to fucking sleep for a year. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Eren mumbles, hiding his face against Levi’s chest.

“No, come on, out with it.”

Eren mumbles unintelligibly.

“Fucking pardon?”

“I _said_ ,” Eren says, muffled by Levi’s skin, “that… when you… inside. It was… Yeah. I didn’t… Well, obviously I didn’t…” He trails off into a mumble and if Levi wasn’t so wrung out and frankly embarrassingly desperate to stay close to him, he’d toss Eren onto the floor.

“Stop fucking mumbling, I hate that.”

“When you fucking came!” Eren snaps, head jolting up with a glare in his eyes. “It felt _good_ , okay? I wasn’t expecting it. It was… Probably the best fucking part, honestly.”

Levi’s dick gives a fucking valiant twitch against his thigh. “Fucking hell, brat, give me a fucking minute.”

Eren grins, drags a finger down Levi’s chest. “We can go again?”

God fucking help him. “...Ten minutes.”

Eren tilts his head, shifts his legs with a soft, satisfied groan. “Okay. I can wait.” He hums, dragging his lip between his teeth. “It’s like I can still feel you.”

Fucking _hell._ “Five minutes.”

Eren hums, pleased, leans over to kiss Levi’s chest, right over his heart. “If you don’t feel up to moving, I could…?” He trails off, slipping his leg over one of Levi’s. “...On top?”

“Eren, if I get hard right now I will _literally_ pass out,” Levi grunts, throwing an arm over his face. “You fucking- Five minutes _minumum_. Fuck.”

Eren hums, low and soft, almost a purr, settling contentedly back down against Levi’s chest. For a long moment they lie like that, sweat cooling on their skin, and Levi cards his fingers through the wild locks of Eren’s hair, gently teasing out the tangles caught between his fingers. 

“Love you,” Eren mumbles, far sleepier than he’d let on.

“Me, too,” Levi murmurs, looping a strand of hair around his finger like a promise. “It’s still five fucking minutes, though, you can wait.”

Eren snickers sleepily into his skin.


	52. Chapter 52

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> working title of this chapter was "Eren and Hanji's Idiotic Day Out."
> 
> Unfortunately today is Farlan's day to use the brain cell.
> 
> There’s some dismemberment in this chapter, but it’s for science so it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

As wonderful as last night had been, Eren would give _literally_ anything to go back to yesterday morning, to the languid, sleepy hours he’d spent in bed beside Levi ignoring all their responsibilities in favour of a few more precious minutes in each other's company. Unfortunately, that morning was a fluke, one that’s unlikely to happen again unless Eren and Levi manage to take a day’s leave together, something Eren’s not even sure he’s allowed as a political ward rather than an actual scout.

Regardless, he’d give his right arm and possibly also his left leg to go back to yesterday morning so he can steal a few more hours of sleep rather than endure Isabel’s frantic pounding on his door. Levi’s of much the same mind, grunting unhappily into his neck at the disturbance, the arms he’s got wrapped around Eren’s waist tightening enough to make him wheeze.

“Come on, Eren!” Isabel trills through the wood. “Wakey wakey! You’re going to be in deep shit if you sleep in so late again!”

Yes, that’s true, but Eren’s basically got a “get out of shit free” card and it’s currently plastered against his back and muttering violent death threats into the skin of his neck.

“You, too, Levi!”

“Fuck off!” Levi raises his head to yell at the door. Grumbling, he reluctantly peels himself away from Eren’s back, but he’s not too pissed to drop a gentle kiss to Eren’s shoulder before he throws the blankets off and rolls out of bed with all the grouchiness of a moody teenager. “Come on, before she breaks the door down and gets a fucking eyeful.”

Isabel might not appreciate the eyeful she’d get if she kicked the door in, but Eren sure as hell does. Levi is, in no uncertain terms, a mess, hair sticking up in all sorts of interesting angles, bangs pushed back from his face - which is a look Eren can absolutely get behind, honestly - and a rather impressive bite mark marring the skin between his neck and left shoulder. When he turns to snatch his shirt off the floor, Eren spies twin trails of faded pink scratches over his shoulder blades, and for a moment Eren feels a little guilty, but then he sits up and gasps, falling back into the bed with a hiss as his lower back protests rather intently, and all sympathetic thoughts fly out the fucking window.

“You alright?” Levi asks, pausing with his arms in the sleeves of his shirt.

“No,” Eren groans, easing himself back upright with a wince. “Fucking _hell_ , Levi. You didn’t have to bend me in _half.”_

Levi snorts, tugs his shirt over his head. “On the contrary, I absolutely did. And I sure as fuck didn’t hear you complaining at the time.”

“I’m complaining _now_ ,” Eren whines, carefully easing his legs off the bed so he can stand up. It’s not unbearable, just insistent, a dull ache in his lower back and hips and… also lower. Everything aches, actually, though it really is far from unpleasant. Similar to the ache after a day’s hard training, satisfying in an exhausting kind of way. The memories of what caused the ache aren’t bad either, so that helps ease the discomfort somewhat.

Levi, the bastard, looks like he knows it. He’s far too smug for 5AM, and even though he does have every right to be, Eren’s not just going to let him _have_ that. That’s not how they work.

“Don’t pout,” Levi tells him, tugging his pants on. “That’s what you get for pushing for round two.”

“Three,” Eren says absently, wriggling into his own pants with far more care than he usually takes. Levi spreads his hands in a _well, there you have it_ gesture and Eren has to conclude that he may have a point. Damn it. “You better not make me do gear training today. Or anything involving horse riding.” The thought is, frankly, horrifying. “Nothing too strenuous either.”

“You’re bossy this morning,” Levi notes with some amusement. “Did last night knock something loose or what?”

Eren snorts. “Yeah, it was your-”

“Just so you know,” Isabel says through the door, sounding like she’s torn between laughing and crying. “I _am_ still out here.”

“I thought I told you to fuck off,” Levi snaps at the door. “Don’t blame me for the shit you overhear when you don’t do as you’re told.”

“Well, if you two would stop _flirting_ and get _dressed_ , I’d be able to give you the message Hanji told me to pass on and I could leave!”

Levi glances at Eren who tugs his shirt on quickly so he’s fully decent before he moves over to the door, throwing the bolt back and wrenching it open. Isabel gives him a very amused once over, eyes flickering to Eren’s equally dishevelled state before she snorts, clapping a hand over her mouth to smother her giggles.

“Well?” Levi demands.

Isabel snickers into her palm for a minute before she attempts to compose herself with little success. “Eren, if you could please go down to the Pit once you’re ready, there’s some things Hanji would like to go over with you this morning. Levi, you’re running the new recruits through 3DM drills.”

“Fuck sake,” Levi grumbles. “Babysitting brats all day. _Again_.”

Eren’s finding it hard to feel bad for Levi right now, far too busy being relieved that he’s not being subjected to strenuous activities while his body is feeling all sorts of tender.

“Then you can join the recruits after lunch,” Isabel tells Eren. “Hanji doesn’t want you shifting again until the expedition, but they’d like you to get some more hours in on the gear so we’re as prepared as we can be.”

Ah. Fear. And also a little bit of dread. “Okay,” Eren says weakly.

“Don’t be too long,” Isabel tells the both of them, pointing. “Or I might let slip to Farlan exactly where I found you this morning.” Levi takes a very deliberate step forward and Isabel bounds away from the door with a terrified shriek. “Okay, okay, I’m going!”

“Fucking nightmare,” Levi says, slamming the door. “She’s going to be unbearable.”

“Levi,” Eren says desperately. “If you’ve ever loved me _at all_ , you’ll find a way to get me out of gear training. Levi. Levi, please. I’m going to die.”

Levi turns to him then, thin brows raising. “Eren, I’m disappointed in you,” he says, shaking his head. “Sleeping with the Captain for leverage?”

“Levi,” Eren groans. “I’m serious, please, I don’t think I can take it.”

“Bullshit,” Levi snorts. “I’ve seen you take down three men twice your size while bleeding copiously from the face, you can handle gear training while your cute little _ass_ is a bit tender.”

Eren glares are him. “Your sympathy is overwhelming.”

Levi rolls his eyes, reaches out for Eren’s wrists and tugs him in so they’re chest to chest, releasing him once he’s close enough and slipping his hands round Eren’s hips, fingers pressing slow circles into the aching muscles of his lower back. Eren groans softly, leaning forward to rest his chin on the top of Levi’s head.

“Stop complaining,” Levi says, pressing a kiss to Eren’s throat, “and maybe I’ll consider letting you take it easy today. But if you put some effort in and stop being a fucking wimp, I’ll draw you a bath later.”

It’s a tempting prospect. Very tempting. And Eren’s not even in that much pain, it’s just mildly uncomfortable when he bends and the gear will likely exacerbate the issue, though Eren knows he _can_ take it. He just doesn’t particularly want to. Though that’s mostly because he’d give anything to just go back to bed and hide away from the rest of the world with Levi for the next twenty-four hours. Or the next week. That would be nice.

“Alright,” Eren says reluctantly. “But it had better be a fucking stellar bath.”

“What, you want candles and rose petals?”

“Yeah, actually.”

Levi snorts, pulls back to make sure Eren can see how hard he rolls his eyes, but then he tilts his face up and even though he’s being a complete shit and doesn’t fucking deserve it, Eren leans down to kiss him, soft and sweet, before he sighs and takes a step back.

“Get dressed,” Levi tells him, heading for the door. “I’ll see you at lunch.”

“‘kay. Love you.”

Levi pauses at the door, glances back at Eren with an expression gone achingly soft. “Love you, too,” he murmurs and Eren’s entire body thrills at the sound of it, something he knows so well but has heard so little, and he’s pretty sure he gives Levi the dopiest grin known to mankind, if his departing snort of amusement is any indication.

Right. To work. Or, more accurately, to the Pit, where Eren’s been spending an uncomfortable amount of time these days. He genuinely doesn’t mind spending time with Hanji, doesn’t mind their invasive questions and pretty near-constant requests for various bodily fluids, he just really wishes they could work somewhere that doesn’t smell like mould and embalming fluid. He hadn’t even known what embalming was until a few days ago and he doesn’t really feel better for having found out. How Farlan can spend hours down there at a time, Eren will never understand.

Well, whatever. He can handle a morning of probing questions and weird smells, as long as Hanji doesn’t make him move too much. And not that Eren is genuinely complaining, because he’s not. Not at all. There isn’t a single part of last night that he wouldn’t do again in a heartbeat. Not a moment, not a second.

It still doesn’t feel real, honestly. If he didn’t ache so wonderfully, he’d think he dreamt it, conjured up a perfect fantasy that couldn’t possibly have actually happened. But the evidence of it lies in the ache of his body and the scent of the rose oil still lingering on his skin. That, and the very faint bruises littering his hip bones, when he inspects them before slipping into his uniform. They won’t last long, not now that Eren’s awake and his healing ability has jumpstarted, but he wishes that they would last for a little while longer all the same, wants to keep some part of last night on his skin, the same way Levi will.

Nothing for it, though. Like always, Eren will heal and within an hour or so his body will be unmarked once again. The only marks he seems to be able to keep are the bruises from his gear, but that’s probably just because he wears it daily and doesn’t have a chance to fully heal before he has to put it on again. Actually, that’s something he wants to talk to Hanji about. They might not want him shifting before the expedition, but he’s got an idea about something he wants to test, if they’re willing. Knowing Hanji, he won’t have to say much to get them on board.

Having dawdled for long enough, Eren buckles the last of the straps of his gear and yanks his boots on, wincing a little as his back twinges. He attempts to make some sort of order out of the tangled bedsheets, but gives it up as a lost cause after only a moment’s effort. Leaving it messy and not really caring either way, Eren slips out of his room.

The lower floor is already bustling with scouts, all of them sleepy-eyed and lethargic owing to the early hour. The sleepiest ones are the recruits, unsurprisingly, though a few of the section commanders look a little heavy around the eyes, too. He spots Armin and Connie, waves at them and receives a couple of sleepy waves in response, before turning the corner and heading the rest of the way to the Pit. It’s still horrifically early, so likely Farlan won’t be joining them until a bit later, if at all since Eren’s not quite sure what sort of schedule the man keeps these days considering he doesn’t have to train with the rest of them, but the door’s already open and Hanji’s bent over their desk when Eren slips inside, goggles pushed up high in their forehead.

“Oh, Eren!” They say with a wide smile, head snapping up at a speed that makes Eren’s own neck twinge in sympathy. “Good morning, my dear. Thank you for joining me.”

“No problem,” Eren says, perching gingerly on the stool by Farlan’s workbench. “What’s on the rota for today?”

“I’m so glad you asked,” Hanji says, straightening up. “I thought, since Levi’s been so effectively distracted for the day, you’d be willing to get a little more hands-on.”

“Sure,” Eren says easily. He’s in too good a mood to be as worried about that as he probably should be. “You going to lop off a limb or something?”

“Not today,” Hanji says. “Though would you let me?”

“It’ll grow back, so sure. Actually, I was curious about the healing thing. I wanted to mention it to you.”

Hanji shoves several of the journals on their desk roughly to one side, leaning towards Eren with a slightly manic glint in their eyes. “Forget what I had planned, what are _you_ suggesting?” They ask eagerly.

“Oh, I just- It’s just that, I know I can heal. I know that, you know that, we’ve seen it multiple times. I just wanted to test how much control I actually have over the process. Like if I can heal certain parts of me quicker.” Eren considers for a moment. “Back when I was a cadet, I got my nose pretty badly broken, but by the time I got to the infirmary about an hour later, it had already healed.”

“And you didn’t notice?” Hanji asks.

“Well, no, I was a bit distracted. And it didn’t steam, either. I was in quite a bit of pain, too, so I suppose the itching got covered up by the ache. I know it was broken, though, because Levi had to reset it.”

“Ouch,” Hanji says, wincing. “Bet that wasn’t pleasant.”

“It was not.” Still, though, Eren smiles fondly at the memory. There’s definitely something wrong with him. “I guess maybe the healing ability got properly jump started by my first shift?”

“It’s possible,” Hanji says thoughtfully. “Well, I mean, as much as anything is possible with your particular skill set. You could spontaneously sprout wings one day and we’d have no idea if that’s just something your kind can do.”

“Alright, less of the “your kind”,” Eren says, somewhat irritably. “I’m still human.”

“Well…” Hanji says. “You say that, but it’s not technically true.”

Eren’s more than a little taken aback by that. “Excuse me?”

“Don’t misunderstand, I’m not trying to be cruel,” Hanji says quickly. “I don’t mean it as an insult, it’s simply scientific fact. Your cells aren’t fully human anymore. The evidence explains it all. Would you like to see?”

“I’m not sure I’d even know what I was supposed to be looking at,” Eren says. “Just… what does that mean?”

“It’s your blood,” Hanji says, gesturing to their beloved microscope. “Human DNA consists of multiple chromosomal pairs. Twenty-three, to be precise. But not you. I’ve watched your cells during mitosis and it’s utterly remarkable. They don’t behave in the way we know cells to act. It’s like they’re beholden to their own physiology.”

Eren blinks. “Right. So, my cells… misbehave?”

“From a human standpoint, yes,” Hanji says. “But taking into account your altered biology, they’re behaving exactly as they are supposed to for you. Look, look!” They beckon him over to the desk, shoving books and papers out of the way in favour of spreading a large piece of parchment across it. They scribble a few wonky circles with a pencil, labelling underneath it for what Eren assumes is his own benefit.

“Here,” Hanji says, tapping one of the drawings. “Cell death occurs, on average, around seventy billion times per day in the human body. Our cells are in a constant state of growth, decay, and repair. That’s just how our bodies work. Mostly due to autophagy, which is the natural breakdown of cells, occasionally we’re injured or our cells suffer damage and decay due to illness. With me so far?”

“Yes,” Eren says after a moment. “I think so.”

“Good!” Hanji beams. “Now you have apoptosis, which is the programmed death of cells. When you leave your titan, the body you leave behind goes through a rapid form of it, disintegrating into nothing. But here’s the interesting part; outside of that process, your cells _don’t die_. They simply don’t. They regenerate. When your cells’ natural death should occur, they simply repair themselves, which would mean that the cells you have in your body are the same cells that were there a week, a month, a year ago. They don’t die, they just _heal_. Which beggars quite an interesting speculation regarding your longevity.”

“So I might not ever die?” Eren asks, alarmed. “But I’m- I’m getting older. I look older, I feel… Well, not _old_ , but I feel different to how I did as a kid.”

“That’s the thing!” Hanji cries. “Your cells don’t die, yet they still separate, they still divide to create new cells, which would be a whole mess if your cells didn’t die at all. You’d be… some sort of mutant. Which, I suppose, you sort of are, considering-“

“Easy,” Eren grumbles.

Hanji grins sheepishly. “Right, sorry. No, the fascinating thing here is that your titan cells are absorbing your human cells and vice versa! It’s a constant state of… It’s like your body is at war with itself. Constantly striving to maintain a balance between your titan physiology and your human physiology. It’s a perfect balance, but a violently obtained one. Your cells are attacking each other, absorbing each other, but never decaying. Your body isn’t capable of necrosis, which is traumatic cell death usually caused by disease or injury when the cells are cut off from blood supply. And it _also_ means that it may be impossible for you to even contract disease at all!” They tap their microscope. “You’ve got some _beautiful_ leukocytes, by the way. Absolutely stunning.”

“...Right,” Eren says. “So… Immunity? Alright, that’s not so bad. That’s pretty cool actually, but... What about that means I’m not human?”

“It’s your chromosomes!” Hanji says excitedly. “You have two distinct strands of DNA, double the amount of chromosomes that are present in a human’s blood! Forty-six pairs! It’s absolutely remarkable!”

Remarkable isn’t the word Eren would use. Horrific, is probably closer to the truth. “So I’m not… I’m not human at all? I’m really not, after all…” After all the time he’s spent convincing himself he’s still human because he looks like it, acts like it, feels like it. And he’s not. He’s some kind of…

Monster.

“You are,” Hanji says fiercely. “You _are_ human. But you are also a titan. You have the DNA of both, it’s rewritten your entire genetic makeup. You have both inside you, both fighting viciously to cancel the other out, so your entire body exists in a stalemate. Perfect balance. Fucking _remarklable_ , Eren.” They clutch his shoulder tightly. “You’re human in everything except your mitochondria. You feel human, you act human, so it doesn’t matter what’s going on in your blood. It’s your heart that matters.”

Eren swallows, not as reassured by that as he wants to be. “So, I will get older? I won’t just… stop? I can die normally?”

“We don’t know for sure,” Hanji says apologetically. “But the evidence suggests that a natural lifespan is perfectly possible for you, while also suggesting that increased longevity is a very real possibility. We just don’t know, and I’m sorry that I don’t have more answers for you. But I promise that anything I can find out, I’ll tell you.”

“Thanks,” Eren mumbles. “...Now I sort of want you to lop some limbs off to distract me.”

“I can do that,” Hanji says seriously. “Are you alright? You look a bit peaky.”

“I’m okay,” Eren says, absolutely fucking lying through his teeth. “I just… I don’t know. I understand… About sixty percent of what you said and… It just sounds like I’m not… As human as I thought I was. And maybe that’s weird, because, hello, I can literally fabricate a titan out of thin air, but… I guess I was just hoping for… I don’t know.”

“Oh, Eren,” Hanji says softly, reaching over to run a hand affectionately through his hair. “It doesn’t matter, you know that right? Just because your blood tells a different story, doesn’t mean you aren’t every bit the person you were before. The fact that you can do the things you can do doesn’t make any difference. You’re Eren, our Eren, and that’s all that matters.”

“Alright, thanks, mom,” Eren mumbles, flushing. “Or… uh? Which-“

“Mom works!” Hanji says with a loud cackle. “But only on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and alternating Sundays. And never-“

“On a day with Y in the name, or months ending with “-tember”,” Eren finishes, smiling in spite of himself. “See? I listen.”

“That’s my boy,” Hanji says proudly. “Now, what’s say you and I make a quick escape and go lop some of your limbs off in the forest? I didn’t really want you shifting this close to an expedition, but I doubt one little change will hurt if we’re careful. Feel up to it?”

“Sure,” Eren says, grateful for the opportunity to do something productive with his time and get out of his head for a bit. “Will it be okay, just the two of us?”

“Sure it will!” Hanji says cheerfully. “I know you’re used to Humanity’s Shortest being the one to supervise, but I’m more than capable of handling a stroppy fifteen meter if he decides I look like lunch.”

Eren should absolutely not laugh. He should absolutely not do it because Levi’s not here to defend himself and laughing at the expense of the man he loves is not a very nice thing to do. However, the fact remains that Levi is currently not here, so Eren is perfectly well within his rights to cackle madly at the affectionate insult.

“Excellent,” Hanji says, pleased. “Right, let’s get gone before Levi’s weird Eren-Sense starts tingling and he comes to interfere. I can handle a fifteen meter no problem, but that short bastard’s a lot quicker than he looks.”

Eren wheezes. “God, don’t let him hear you say that.”

“I’m not scared of him,” Hanji sniffs. “It’s just difficult getting any work done when you’ve got a pint-sized vendetta lurking in the shadows with murderous intent.”

“Hanji, _please_.”

Snickering, Hanji selects a notebook from their bountiful pile and tucks it into their jacket. “Alright, alright. Enough jokes at your Captain’s expense. For now. Let’s saddle up and hopefully we can get some good tests in before lunch.”

Eren’s laughter dies a fucking death in his throat. “S-Saddle up?” He asks weakly. “Do you think- I mean, it’s such a nice day, we could walk?”

“No time!” Hanji says jovially. “Strike while the titan is steaming hot, I say! It’s not a popular saying and hasn’t caught on yet, but I’m optimistic. We can enjoy the weather some other time.”

“Okay, but-“

“Besides it’s not just Levi I want to avoid. Erwin will no doubt have some choice words for me, spiriting you away from the castle without an escort.”

“Yeah, but-“

“Let’s go, let’s go!” Hanji says, shooing Eren towards the door. “Titans wait for no man! I am _so_ good at aphorisms, don’t you think?”

“Sure,” Eren says, mournful and resigned. Levi had better make good on that fucking promise of a bath or-

“I’ve been meaning to ask since you dropped by, actually, are you wearing perfume? You smell like roses, it’s quite nice.”

...Eren’s going to scream.

* * *

Separately, Eren and Hanji are two intelligent individuals with their own skill sets and strengths that make them rather formidable in their own right. Hanji’s strong, quick, scary smart and skilled with the gear, and they have a deep sense of loyalty that Eren really likes about them. Eren, by extension, is ridiculously determined, resilient, savvy and quick-witted when he wants to be, and is always about ten seconds away from throwing hands with anyone who upsets the people he cares about. So you would think that, with their skills combined, Hanji and Eren would make a particularly powerful team.

They do not. Where two heads are normally better than one, some weird sort of mental acuity division happens when they’re together that means they’re actually working with far less brain cells than they would be normally. Which is… probably why all of Eren’s titan transformations have been overseen by a full escort, including Levi.

In Eren’s defence… This wasn’t entirely his fault. Even more in his defence, Hanji is a squad leader, so the responsibility does fall pretty squarely on their shoulders to not go along with ideas that, in hindsight, are actually pretty fucking terrible. However Hanji is also one hundred percent insane, so maybe the fault does actually lie with Eren for suggesting this.

“It…” Hanji taps their chin, expression twisted up in dismay. “It’s not even steaming.”

“Nope,” Eren says, looking down at the bloody mess of his elbow, below which sits the remains of the stump that had once been the joint connected to his left forearm, which is now sitting rather grotesquely in the grass, slowly turning a sickening ruddy brown as it disintegrates. _That_ part of him is steaming no problem, but his actual arm, the part still attached to him, is just bleeding with no signs of stopping or healing any time soon.

It doesn’t hurt, thank fuck. Similarly to when Eren’s in his titan form, the limb just twinges a bit, aches like he’s got it submerged in water that’s just a few degrees over too hot, but it doesn’t hurt nearly as much as it should, being that the limb has just technically been dismembered.

The blood on Hanji’s blade steams and evaporates and they sheath it with a disgruntled him, crouching down to inspect Eren’s arm more closely. “I wonder why that is. You can’t shift?”

“Doesn’t feel like it,” Eren says, morbidly curious and halfway to poking the bloody end of his arm before Hanji slaps his hand away. “Normally there’s like… a rush of energy. Like a matchstick striking in my brain? That’s how I’ve always described it.”

“And nothing now?”

“Nothing.”

“You’ve tried shifting your intent?”

“Yeah, like always. It’s not working.”

“No,” Hanji says slowly. “I can see that.” They sigh heavily, tugging insistently at the messy strands of their hectic ponytail. “Well, we need to solve this problem quickly. I can’t take you back to HQ like this, Levi will kill me.”

“Not just you, he’ll wring my neck for suggesting it,” Eren says. “I’m so glad Farlan isn’t here. This seems… in incredibly poor taste.”

“What’s a little dismemberment between friends?” Hanji says. “But, no. Hm. This is… Not optimal. No itch? No nothing?”

“Not a bit,” Eren sighs. “Just kind of… aches. Like pins and needles? A bit?”

“Hm… You’re not sick or hurt, are you? Maybe your body is going through but by bit and healing other parts of you first?”

“Hh…” Eren flushes. “Maybe? I had some… Bruises? Nothing too bad. And I thought you said I couldn’t get sick?”

“A hypothesis,” Hanji says with a vacant wave. “Though one I’d bet good money on being correct. However, it does stand to reason that you can’t shift while your body is regenerating, but you lost limbs before and shifted in Trost… What a conundrum.”

“That’s one word for it,” Eren mutters, nudging his dismembered forearm with the toe of his boot and retching when a portion of skin crumbles away. “That’s so gross.”

“Ooh,” Hanji says, bending down to poke it with a finger. “Feels like ash, almost. Still warm.”

“That’s disgusting, Hanji, don’t poke it!”

“I’m taking notes!” Hanji protests. “That’s literally the only thing separating this from an incident where I apparently lost my mind and lured you into the forest to dismember you! The line between scientific discovery and crimes against humanity is a very thin one.”

“No, it’s not!” Eren argues. “You’re just insane!”

“That, too!”

“Well, what do we _do?”_

“No idea!” Hanji straightens up, brushing ashy skin from their hands. Gross, gross, _gross_. “Should we stop the bleeding? Do you feel lightheaded?”

“No,” Eren says, lifting his arm. “I mean, I feel fine? Like… Normal, I guess? Just a bit lighter on one side.”

Hanji snorts. “Oh, god, we’re such bad people.”

“The worst.”

“Levi’s going to kill us.”

“You, maybe. I’ll be fine... Also maybe. I’ll be more fine than you will, anyway.”

“Oh, thanks.” Hanji snickers, plopping themselves down on the grass beside Eren and stretching their legs out. “Well, let me know if the blood loss starts to get to you. Otherwise… I guess we just… Camp out until you shift. Can't take you back to HQ while you’re running the risk of shifting in the dining hall or something.”

“Fair.” Eren sighs. “So… How’re things?”

“Pretty good! Looking forward to the expedition. Not looking forward to the fun and interesting ways Levi’s going to find to kill me, though. That’s going to be a bit of a bummer of an afternoon. Put in a good word for me?”

“You just cut my arm off.”

“You asked me to.”

“...Fair point.” What a fucking situation. “I’m so paranoid now. What if it doesn’t grow back?”

“I’m sure it will,” Hanji says, patting his shoulder soothingly. “You’ve had blips before and come through just fine. Maybe it’s performance anxiety. Do you want me to turn around?”

“It’s not like taking a piss, Hanji, I’m not _titan_ shy.”

“I’m just saying! Literally just spitballing here, I don’t know what you want me to do.”

“Go back in time an hour and say “hey, Eren, maybe we don’t cut one of your limbs off to see if you can speed up and slow down your own healing ability”.”

Hanji considers this. “But I _wanted_ to cut one of your limbs off to see if you can speed up and slow down your own healing ability.”

Eren groans softly at the sheer combined idiocy of it all. “Yeah, me too.”

“How are things with you two anyway?” Hanji asks curiously. “You’re allowed to speak freely, by the way. I already heard it from Levi.”

“You did?” Eren asks, surprised. “Wow, how’d that go?”

Hanji waves a hand. “It was fine, don’t even worry about it. Well, there were some death threats, but you know how he is.”

“I do,” Eren says, grinning like a fool. “And it’s good, thanks. Really good.”

Hanji coos. “You guys are so cute. I _knew_ I was right.”

“When aren’t you?” Eren teases. “But seriously, is it… Okay? I mean, I know Levi wants to keep it quiet because of the… I don’t really know what the fraternization rules are, actually.”

“Oh, I have a very good tip about that,” Hanji says brightly. “It’s called “not giving a fuck” and I wholeheartedly recommend it. Maybe don’t go thrashing around the castle where Erwin can see you, but for the most part we operate a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Scouts tend to hook up left and right because we don’t really get much time considering the nature of our jobs. Better to get your happiness wherever you can and hang the consequences. Any expedition might be your last, so I wouldn’t worry about the little details too much.”

“How is that both horrifying and comforting at the same time?”

“I’m good like that,” Hanji says with a wink. “But seriously, don’t worry too much. As a scout you only need to worry about two things and that’s keeping yourself alive for as long as possible and living each day to the fullest while you do. If you remember that, you can’t go wrong.”

“Simple but effective,” Eren says, nodding. “I like it. You don’t think about the future much, then?”

Hanji hums. “Not if I can help it. Not much point, you know? I might die out there next week and the time spent wondering about the future could have been spent much better doing literally anything else. It’s good to have hope, but to dwell too much on what may happen is a slippery slope to ruin, I’m telling you now.”

“I’ll try to remember that.” Eren glances down at his arm. “This is getting a bit ridiculous now. Heal, you stupid thing!”

Hanji hisses sympathetically. “I really am sorry about your arm, kiddo.”

“It’s fine, I’ll just… Get a new one. Fucking hell.” It’s a little bit funny. Actually, it’s fucking hilarious, but Eren doesn’t really think laughing is the best thing to do right now, not until he’s grown his fucking arm back, at least. “Probably shouldn’t sit so close, just in case I, you know, explode.”

“Oh, good point,” Hanji says, scrambling to their feet and retreating a safe distance away. “Better?”

“Couple more feet, just to be safe.”

“Okay!” Hanji sits back down. “Well, now it’s difficult to talk to you!”

“I’d rather a difficult conversation than a dead section commander!” Eren calls back. “How the hell would I explain that?!”

“Carefully!”

“I doubt that would go over well!”

“Should I have left a note? Maybe asked Moblit to pass it on in the event of my death?”

“Might have been a good idea. I’m already on the military’s shit list, I don’t want to add manslaughter to my list of charges.”

Hanji snorts and cackles that loud, brash laugh that Eren’s already inordinately fond of. They really are madder than a box of cats, but that’s probably the most endearing thing about them. Throughout Eren’s time in the scouts’ custody, they’ve never treated him with anything less than… well, a certain amount of eccentric dignity. They’re overenthusiastic and tend to think boundaries are for _other_ people, but they’ve never been anything but kind to Eren. Yes, they have treated him a little bit like a science experiment, but they treat _everyone_ like that, so it’s not like they’re singling Eren out to be cruel.

“Have you stopped bleeding?”

Eren glances down. “Oh- Yeah! Blood’s evaporating, too!”

“Good! Do you want to try shifting again?”

“I’m not sure it’ll work,” Eren calls, hauling himself to his feet. “Stay there, though, I’m just going to grab my-”

Ah, there we go.

Matchstick, spark, _flare_ , and Eren’s world lights up in brilliant orange lightning, energy suffusing his limbs from his core right to the tips of his remaining arm, and as his titan flesh ripples out from his nape, he feels the flash flood of an unbearable itch shimmer down his left arm, reforming the flesh that had been sheared away by Hanji’s blade.

It’s just as disorientating as usual, likely always will be, but when Eren opens titan eyes and the world settles around him, there’s none of the vicious anger that usually sweeps through him the moment his titan materialises, just a rush of satisfaction that he’d been able to call the titan at all.

“Woooo!” Hanji cheers, firing their anchors into Eren’s shoulder to zip up. Through instinct born of practice, Eren holds out a hand so Hanji can settle into his palm. “Well done, kiddo. You had me worried for a minute there.” Eren rumbles, tilting his head so Hanji can pat his cheek. “Aww, there you go. Now what are the chances I can convince you to head back to the castle like this? I reckon the shit we’d get for it would almost be worth the expressions on everyone’s faces.”

Eren shakes his head slowly with a disapproving growl. Hanji pouts, but they honestly can’t have expected an affirmative.

“Alright,” they grumble. “Arm back on? Thank god for that, I really didn’t want to have to face Levi and tell him I cut your arm off. Can you imagine? I’d get _slaughtered_. Right, out you come, now. It’s well past lunch time. Everyone’s going to start wondering where we’ve gotten to and I’m hoping we can lie convincingly enough about the whole thing to avoid any incidents. Incidents being Levi trying to take my head off.”

Eren lowers them to the ground gently and begins the painful process of disengaging himself from his titan’s nape. Once he’s free, they call their horses over and set off at a brisk canter back towards HQ. He’s grateful to Hanji’s forethought about rolling his shirt sleeve up, because he really can’t keep losing clothes to dismemberment. It’s become more of a habit than he ever thought it would, honestly.

Better than that, though, the ache in his lower half is completely gone, too, healed right up by the change as his injuries always are. He’s definitely going to nag Levi about the bath, though. That’s definitely on the…

“Uh oh,” Hanji says as they pass through the castle gates. “Well, that’s not good.”

No, it very much isn’t.

So, it turns out that the lightning strike that follows the trigger of Eren’s titan shifting _is_ noticeable from the castle. He’d never really thought about it before, considering he’s always had the Levi Squad with him and hadn’t really considered how large the explosion actually was. But any hope of he and Hanji escaping any reprisals from their ill-advised day trip into the forest flies right out the window when they ride through the gates to be met by a very, _very_ angry Levi.

“I’m hoping I’m wrong,” Hanji says softly, “but I’m going to take a guess here and say that’s not his happy face.”

“It is not,” Eren murmurs back. “That’s his “I’m going to kill you and I’m going to make it hurt” face.”

“Well, shit.”

Eren concurs. “Don’t make direct eye contact and don’t make any sudden movements. Don’t run, either, it’ll just make him angrier.”

“Are we talking about your boyfriend or a wild animal?”

“...You know, I’m really not sure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me shaking my fiancé awake at 4am: BABE WAKE UP I NEED YOU TO TEACH ME BIOLOGY REAL QUICK  
> her: this is for a fic isn't it  
> me:  
> me: maybe


	53. Chapter 53

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I... Accidentally 300,000 words. Genuinely do not have a clue how. Um. Cool!
> 
> So, little update; the way this fic is going, I think I'm probably gonna do a sequel, because having one fic that's like... 100+ chapters long may kill me. We've got a good few chapters to go, so it won't be just yet. Maybe around the 65-70 chapter mark, if my current calculations are correct. (Probably not. This fic wasn't even supposed to get THIS long.)
> 
> But yes! Sequel is almost certainly going to be the way I go with this. Mainly bc I crave the "established relationship" tag. But also because I feel like this fic was the... Idk, like mostly worldbuilding, honestly. I didn't set out to do a complete canon rewrite, but that's what happened and I also happen to think my hubris is quite sexy, actually.
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me so far!

The latch clicks and Eren stiffens at the sound of it, resists the urge to sit up and the urge to curl even tighter into the despondent ball he’s become beneath the covers, though both are fighting an anxious, sickening battle in his stomach. All he can do is hold still, keep his breathing even, and wait for the inevitable.

“Eren,” Levi says quietly. “I know you’re awake. You can’t feign sleep worth a damn.”

Alright, then. Eren sighs unsteadily, rolls slowly onto his back before sitting up, drawing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. Levi stands in the doorway for a long moment before letting out a heavy sigh of his own and closing it behind him, sliding the bolt across.

He’s still in his uniform, jacket and all, though he loosens his cravat from round his neck, spreads the fabric out and sets about folding it into a neat little square that he tucks into his breast pocket. He doesn’t look angry anymore, just tired, and Eren’s own anger had already cooled hours ago, so he’s not sad to see it gone. He’s spent the past however long wishing dearly that he wasn’t so short-tempered, that he didn’t react so explosively to the slightest provocation, but what’s done is done and all he can do now is apologise.

“I’m sorry,” Levi says before Eren can even open his mouth. He looks wretched, like every word pains him, and Eren’s suddenly far too shocked to speak. “You couldn’t have been in better hands than Hanji’s today, save maybe my own. I overreacted and I didn’t trust your judgement when I should have. I didn’t mean what I said.”

It’s… Honestly, it’s the best thing Eren’s ever heard him say. Since he and Hanji got back from their idiotic jaunt into the forest and Levi had - no exaggeration - _exploded_ at the both of them and Eren had shot back just as angrily, all he’s wanted is the chance to apologise. For Levi to do it first means the argument was far worse than Eren had even thought it was. True, they’d said some vicious things, but they’d been angry. Worse than that, Levi had been terrified. Now that he’s calmer, Eren can understand.

Levi’d been down on the training circuit when it happened. Apparently the explosion from Eren’s titan shift is far greater than he’d ever considered, and even Hanji hadn’t thought to warn him. They’d both been convinced they were far enough into the forest that it wouldn’t be seen or heard, but Levi had seen it over the battlements, rising up through the trees and he’d fucking _panicked_. Eren knows that now, knows he would have done the same, that if he’d seen the lightning strike, the singular phenomenon that precedes such a vicious and violent change, he’d have been terrified by the implications.

Levi had seen the lightning and he’d run. He hadn’t said a word, just fired his anchors and _gone_. It had been Mikasa that stopped him, the only one among them who stood a chance of catching him when he got going, and she’d tackled him into the flagstones, yelling at him to calm down, to think, that it probably wasn’t what he thought it was. Eren had been surprised when he’d heard that; from Mikasa because Levi hasn’t spoken to him since the early afternoon. He’d been shocked that Mikasa, of all people, had been the one to reason with Levi. A few years ago she would have been the same, tearing off into the forest and ripping it apart in an effort to reach him. Perhaps she’s finally learned that Eren’s capable of looking after himself. Perhaps she’s no longer afraid of losing everything she loves a second time.

Eren doesn’t know what the reason is, just that he’s grateful for her intervention. It hadn’t done much, though. The moment Eren had dismounted Horse, the moment his boots touched the ground, Levi was _off_. He’d given both Hanji and Eren a dressing down like no other, excoriating them with all the authority of his rank, the authority he never utilises. There had been… Multiple witnesses. Hanji had actually taken a step back in shock, spent most of Levi’s tirade looking like they couldn’t decide whether to get between Levi and Eren or hide behind the latter.

It had been… Impressive. Terrifying. And Eren, like the idiot he is, had yelled right back.

He knows now that Levi had every right to be angry, but the sight of his rage had sparked Eren’s own. Now that he’s got a clear head he knows what an idiot he was, that he shouldn’t have yelled back at Levi, not just because he shouldn’t have lost his temper, but because to every scout watching their altercation with wide eyes, Eren was screaming at his superior officer. Eren, the known titan-in-human-form, political prisoner of the scout regiment, disobeying orders and then raging about it in the aftermath.

One bad decision, and he’s caused an endless amount of stress for the man he loves.

It is not physically possible for Eren to feel worse.

“No,” Eren says, releasing his knees. “No, Levi- _I’m_ sorry. You were right- You were right, I was an idiot and-”

“Eren,” Levi says, scrubbing a palm down his face. “Don’t. It- Just… Don’t do it again. I don’t care how convincing Hanji is, _don’t_ transform unless I’m there. I can’t- You don’t know how fucking-” He breaks off, shoulders hunching up to his ears and for a moment he looks like he wants to hit something. But then he exhales and his shoulders drop and the fraught moment passes like it was never there. “I was fucking terrified, Eren. I didn’t know _what_ might have happened to you. If you’d even just left a fucking _note_ or something-”

“I know,” Eren says miserably. “I’m sorry-”

“Don’t.”

“Let me apologise,” Eren snaps. “Fucking- Shit, _sorry_. I swear I don’t mean to be like this.”

That, at least, pulls a reluctant smile out of Levi; a barely-there twist of lips that’s only noticeable to Eren because he’s spent years learning what Levi’s reserved expressions look like. “Got to say, even though I didn’t fucking appreciate the attitude, your tirade out there was pretty fuckin’ impressive.”

Eren groans, considers smothering himself with the pillow. “I am _so_ sorry. I didn’t- I didn’t even _think_ and now everyone’s going to think that I’m this disobedient little shit that openly disrespects his commanding officer-”

“I mean, they’re not wrong,” Levi comments. “You _are_ a disobedient little shit. I think everyone already knew that.”

“Not helpful,” Eren grumbles. “I don’t even know how to fix this. I’ve caused so much trouble for you.”

Levi snorts. “Those are called “consequences”, Eren. They usually crop up whenever we do stupid shit like what you pulled today.”

“Levi, I’m fucking trying here-”

“Well, stop it,” Levi says, moving over to perch lightly on the edge of the bed. He turns, gives Eren a pointed look. “It’s fine, don’t worry about your little explosive episode. Why do you think it took me so long to come up here? I had to smooth some shit out, but it’s fine. Luckily we’ve got a good few friends who are pretty good at handling our combined bullshit. No one thinks you’ve gone rogue so don’t worry about that. You’re just fucking lucky Erwin’s in Calaneth with Pyxis and Dawk today. If he’d been here, we’d have a hell of a shit fest on our hands.”

“Oh, thank fuck,” Eren moans. “I was so afraid I’d blown everything.”

“Well, don’t be. Just maybe work on that fucking ridiculous temper, yeah? And I know I’m not a stellar fucking example, but do at least _try_ to remember that, when in public, I’m your Captain first. I hate it as much as you do, _trust_ me. But you’ve got to give me something to work with here.”

“I know,” Eren mumbles. “Sorry.”

“Then let’s say no more about it.”

“Really? You’re not angry?”

Levi huffs. “No, I’m not. I stopped being angry about twenty minutes after you stormed off. I fucking hate being angry with you of all people. Anyone else, sure, but not you. It’s like I like you or something.”

Eren manages a small smile at that. “So we’re good?”

“We’re good. You’re still a fucking brat, though.”

“You know what? I’ll take it. Sorry for giving you shit, Captain.”

Levi snorts. “Better. Seriously, do you want some anger management tips or something? It’s fucking ridiculous how short your fuse is. I forget sometimes. You act like a fucking ball of sunshine half the time, but you’re a scrappy fucker when you want to be. It’s ridiculous.”

“Right, thanks. Any more of my flaws you want to point out while we’re here? Kick me while I’m down?”

“Mm. Nah, I’m good for now.” Levi holds an arm out and Eren goes to him willingly, eagerly, curling up beside him with his head pillowed on Levi’s left thigh. He sighs, the last of the tension draining out of him, when Levi’s fingers delve into his hair, nails scratching lightly over his scalp. “I do have one question, though.”

“Mm?”

“Who’s fucking idea was it to cut off your fucking arm in the first place? Like, you get how absolutely fucking _moronic_ that is, right? Who _does_ that?”

“It… was a joint suggestion,” Eren mumbles, flushing. “Originally we wanted to see if I could control my healing ability. Speed it up, slow it down, that kind of thing.”

“Right, and willful dismemberment is the way to go about that? You couldn’t have fucking, I don’t know, given yourself a knick on the fucking palm or something small?”

“...It genuinely didn’t occur to me. Or Hanji, either, I don’t think.”

“Okay,” Levi says, sounding amused and despairing in equal measure. “Note to self; _never_ leave you two in the same room unsupervised. Fucking _hell_ , Eren. How is it that you’re both so fucking savvy apart but the moment you’re together you’re dumber than a bag of rocks?”

“No idea. It’s a skill, I think.”

“It’s fucking ridiculous, is what it is. Fuck’s sake, Eren.”

“So you _are_ still angry.”

“I’m not,” Levi promises, scratching his nails over the back of Eren’s neck, twining Eren’s unruly locks between his fingers. “I’m not. I just can’t get my head around how fucking stupid you both were. Who just decides- Like, how do you even go about- There are _so_ many steps that come before cutting someone’s fucking arms off. What the fuck.”

“In my defence-”

“Oh, this should be good.”

“-You weren’t supposed to find out about it.”

Levi’s fingers pause in Eren’s hair, stilling their gentle movements for a long, tense moment. When Eren dares to risk a glance up at Levi’s face, he’s relieved to see that Levi looks like he’s desperately trying not to laugh. It means that the risk of Eren getting dumped on the floor is significantly less than it was a moment ago.

“That’s your defence?” Levi asks, voice carefully level. “You and shit-for-brains decide to escape to the forest for a bit of early-morning limb chopping, and your defence is that _I wasn’t meant to find out about it?”_

“...Yes?”

“Good fucking god,” Levi says, softly but with feeling. “This is it, isn’t it? Holy shit, this is what my life is going to be like from now on. I’ve tied myself to an absolute fucking _idiot_ with no self-preservation instinct to speak of, and I can’t say shit because he’s got the cutest fucking smile in the world that I’m weak to when he flashes it at me. I’m going to go _prematurely grey_ and I’m going to have to fucking deal with it because the love of my life is a fucking _moron_.”

Eren should probably be a bit pissed about how many times Levi saw fit to insult his intelligence in one go, but he’s having a little bit of trouble processing much of what Levi had said, considering there are words in there that Eren _never_ thought he’d hear.

“Sorry,” Eren says, sitting up so suddenly he nearly headbutts Levi in the chin. He gets a glare for his enthusiasm, but he really couldn’t give less of a shit. “Back it up a bit, what was that last bit?”

“I’m going to go grey.”

“Ha ha, no. The bit after that.”

Levi frowns. “That I’m going to have to fucking deal with it?”

Eren groans and punches him lightly in the shoulder. “Stop being an asshole, you know what I’m talking about!” Somewhat shyly, Eren smiles. “The love of your life bit.”

“Oh,” Levi says, earlobes flushing though his expression doesn’t change. “Trust you to only focus on the bit you want to hear. I also called you an idiot.”

“Yes, and I’m ignoring that for both our sakes. Am I really?”

“An idiot? Yes. Absolutely.”

_”Levi.”_

A huff, reluctant and embarrassed. “ _Yes_. Fucking hell. You _know_ , why do I have to say it again?” He grumbles, looks away, but his gaze flickers back to Eren after a moment as though magnetised. “Yes, I fucking love you. A ridiculous fucking amount, quite frankly. And as much as you’re going to end up driving me _insane_... I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Oh, Eren is absolutely going to cry. “Asshole,” he says weakly. “For someone who hates verbal admissions of affection, you sure are good at them.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m a real fuckin’ romantic. Are you done moping? Can we go and have some fucking tea, now? The past few days have thrown our routine off and I don’t care for that shit at _all_.”

“I’d like that,” Eren says, leaning forward to press a soft kiss to Levi’s cheek. That’s the goal, anyway, but Levi turns at the last moment, steals a proper, if brief, kiss for himself and looks deeply satisfied about that fact. Eren, for his part, flushes red as anything, which is hilarious when you think about the shit they got up to last night.

“Come on,” Levi says, getting to his feet. “I’ve got a pot brewing.”

“Silver needle?”

“Oolong,” Levi corrects. “The apple blend.” Eren’s favourite. So he really had come here to make amends. Eren does not deserve this man.

They head back to Levi’s quarters, not quite hand in hand because anyone could be watching, but their fingers brush as they keep step beside each other and that’s just as good. There isn’t really any difference between their rooms, but Eren prefers Levi’s simply because the windows are larger and Levi has a hearth for the convenient and easy brewing of tea, so it’s just the better location for them to inhabit. Plus, Levi’s bed is slightly larger, which Eren hadn’t noticed when selecting the rooms when they’d arrived, because if he had he would have chosen this one for himself.

It definitely looks like it belongs to a Captain. In the short amount of time they’ve had the castle as their headquarters, Levi’s managed to make something out of his living space, something Eren hasn’t been able to do simply because he doesn’t really own anything. They couldn’t exactly bring anything with them from Shiganshina after it fell, there was no time. But Levi’s got maps fixed to the stone walls, his desk has paperwork piled neatly on top of it, several books that definitely weren’t there a few days ago, and rather than flop across the bed as he’d like to, Eren wanders over to inspect the books on the desktop, selecting one at random to leaf through.

“Is this poetry?” Eren asks, surprised.

Levi hums, moving over to the hearth to fetch his beloved teapot. “Yeah. Surprised?”

“A little. Are these all poetry?” Eren picks up another book, but this one just seems to be standard fiction. Some sort of mystery novella, slim, the pages worn with age. Definitely not the kind of thing Levi seems like he’d enjoy, but then it’s hard to picture him doing anything for enjoyment when he looks so serious all the time.

“Only the one,” Levi says, bringing the pot and two cups to the desk. He pours for both of them and Eren takes his cup with a murmur of thanks. “The poetry book was my mom’s. The other books are ones I’ve bought, but the one in your hand was a birthday gift from Farlan about… Four years ago now? He thought I’d like it.”

“Did you?”

“Yeah. Couldn’t figure out the twist at all. Give it a read if you want. You might like it.”

Eren hums, pleased. “I will, thank you. You know, you’ve never struck me as the bookish type.”

Levi leans against the desk, arm brushing against Eren’s as he sips his tea. “My mom taught me how to read before she died. A bit, anyway. After that my uncle didn’t really think it was as important as wielding a knife or learning how to fight dirty, so I taught myself. It was the only thing I ever learned that wasn’t inherently violent in some way.”

“That’s… Huh. Makes sense, I guess. Did you get your cleanliness from your mom, too?”

“Yeah,” Levi says, surprising Eren by smiling faintly. “We used…” He trails off, hesitating for a moment before shaking his head. “We used to do laundry together. I’d help her out. Then she’d sit me down and teach me some words and shit like that. We only had that one book, so I know it pretty much off by heart at this point. But it was… nice.”

“It sounds like it. You must miss her.”

Levi snorts though the sound is more abrasive than amused. “Every fucking day, Eren. She was… You’d have liked her. Fuck it, she would have _loved_ you. But… Yeah, I guess she is the reason I’m so…”

“Fastidious?”

“The fuck does that mean?”

“High standards.”

“Oh. Yeah. That. About cleaning, anyway. You grow up around shit, you spend the rest of your life trying to wash it off.”

Eren takes that as it’s meant to be, leans over to kiss Levi’s cheek softly. “I’m sure I’d have loved her. My mom would have gone crazy over you, too. I know she would.”

“Carla, right?”

“Yeah, that was her. She… Yeah. She was lovely. Had a real temper on her, though. You think I get my shit from my dad? Hell no, that’s all my mom.”

Levi’s lips curve up on one side. “I definitely would have liked her, then. Angry as you are, no one can say you don’t have spirit.” He shakes himself. “Alright, enough of the heavy shit. It’s been a fucking day, I want to pass out.”

“Mm, me too. Though, do you mind if I read for a bit?”

“Do what you want,” Levi says, already unfastening his gear straps. He pauses halfway through unbuckling the thigh straps on his left leg. “You can read aloud, if you like.”

Eren would very much like. “Alright, I will.” Taking his tea and the book, Eren retreats to the bed, settling down on the right side after tucking the pillow up against the headboard. It doesn’t take long for Levi to finish divesting himself of his gear, then his uniform is folded and set neatly to one side for the laundry run tomorrow and he’s tugging on the soft sleep clothes Eren loves to see him in.

“Alright,” Levi says, collapsing onto his side of the bed with a grunt. “Knock yourself out. Don’t be put off if I start snoring, though. I’m so fucking tired.”

“Rough day with the new recruits?”

“What? No, they were fine. Mostly. One recruit in particular, though, really gave me the fuckin’ run around today.”

“Oh?” Levi cracks an eye open, looks up at Eren pointedly. “...Oh.”

“Yeah, “oh”.”

“I said I was sorry!”

“I know. And you’re forgiven. Mostly. Now read me a fucking bedtime story, brat.”

Eren snickers. “Yes, Captain.”

“See how much easier life is when you’re obedient?”

“Easier, but boring.”

“Mm, true, that. I don’t mind boring so much, though.” He yawns, jaw-crackingly wide, letting the breath out as a slow, peaceful sigh. “Mm… Not when… Not I’ve got you around.”

He sounds halfway to sleep already, which is fine because Eren’s face is currently on fire. “Sap.”

“...Fuck off…” Levi’s definitely mostly asleep now. He’s smiling too freely to be awake, soft and relaxed, an almost delicate curve to his lips.

A matching smile on his own face, Eren opens the book and begins to read.

* * *

“Almost feels like old times, doesn’t it?” Armin says idly.

“Ehhh,” says Eren, doubtful. “Maybe? Bit more stressful when the risk of death is this high, I think.”

“I don’t know,” Mikasa says. “Definitely felt like we could die when Shadis was training us. I think it’s _just_ like old times.”

“Really? I don’t-“

“Stop standing around and do some fucking _work_ ,” Levi barks from the branch above them. “Six drill sets each, I’m not even in the _vicinity_ of fucking around.”

Eren glances up at him, eyebrows raised. “You know what? You’re right. It is just like old times.”

“What was that, Jaeger?”

“Nothing, Sir!”

The three of them dart away from the tree, Mikasa taking the lead and Armin and Eren following close behind. She banks left slightly, turning to give Eren a rather dismayed glance. “That’s not a thing for you two, is it?”

“What?”

“You don’t… I mean, you don’t call him “Sir”, do you? In your… downtime?”

Eren blinks at her. “I genuinely don’t know how I'm supposed to answer that.”

Mikasa pales. “Yeah, don’t, I’m good, actually. I don’t know why I asked.”

“It’s a bit weird,” Armin comments. Eren turns to look at him, surprised and a little offended, rolling fluidly out of the way of a low hanging branch and firing his anchors anew to carry him further. “Not that, just that you… And Levi. Honestly, I think we were all expecting it to… Well, not go badly, but… Well, it’s Levi.”

That probably explains more than it should. “Yeah, well, thank fuck it didn’t, is all I’m saying.”

“We are happy for you,” Armin tells him. “It’s just a bit strange to wrap your head around, you know? The fact that you’ve paired off with… What do they call him?”

“Humanity’s Shortest,” Mikasa says without missing a beat. For fuck's _sake,_ Hanji.

“Shh, he’ll hear you!”

“And?”

“...Fair point. I just wouldn’t know who to bet on if you guys actually did start a fight.”

“You wouldn’t bet on me?” Mikasa asks. “I’m hurt.”

“Oh, shut up, no you’re not.”

“Less talking, more flying!” Levi snaps from above them. “You zip around aimlessly like this out past the gate and I’ll have to haul your chatty backsides out of a titan’s mouth!”

“Sir!” They chorus as one, splitting up to fly drills before Levi’s sour mood finally snaps.

It’s not his fault. Tensions are running high and it's not just Levi that’s feeling it. Thankfully, though, Levi and Eren’s spectacular argument hasn’t warded Hanji off in the slightest, which begs the question of just how common an occurrence it is for Levi to bite their damn head off, but Eren isn’t entirely sure he’s prepared for the answer. It’s fine, though, means that things aren’t as awkward as he was dreading, but that may be due to the fact that the expedition is now only a few short days away and everyone is starting to feel the pressure.

Eren spends more time with the new recruits than he has since Trost, down the training circuit flying fast and furious laps with his gear, joint manoeuvres, team attacks, recoveries, dives and feints, he runs through them all until he’s sore and aching and his skin is steaming slightly underneath the bite of the straps in his skin. Levi doesn’t go easy on any of them and is how he shows he cares. He wants them all to be as prepared as possible, otherwise he wouldn’t run them nearly as hard. Even the Levi Squad aren’t exempt from his barked orders, and Eren feels a little better about his exhaustion levels when he sees that Petra and the others are just as exhausted as he is at the end of each day.

It’s nice, makes a change to be flying with his comrades again, and he can’t deny that having something to focus on is helping to keep the creeping sense of dread at bay. His comrades have always been a talented bunch and seeing the effortless ways they fly drills is definitely reassuring, but Eren’s had it hammered home pretty much constantly since basic and beyond that there are a thousand ways things can go wrong past the walls, so if they want stand any chance of survival, it’s not going to be skill alone that gets them through. They need to trust their gear, their mounts, their comrades, not just their own speed and instincts.

Yes, Eren’s concerned for the welfare of his friends. He was always going to be, and he’s willing to admit that he would have preferred if none of them had joined the scouts after him, as much as he likes having them around. He knows Jean would have been safer in the MPs, so would Mikasa, Armin, all of the others, but for whatever reason, they decided to follow him. Eren’s trying not to blame himself for their choices.

Though could it have happened any other way? If he wasn’t a titan, if he’d joined the scouts as he’d always wanted - through his own choice, not governmentally mandated - would they still have followed him? Probably. Trost changed a lot of things, took friends and comrades away from them. Maybe they’re in it for vengeance just as much as Eren is.

It’s not a particularly comforting thought.

He’d like to feel like he’s riding out with them, too. The worst part about the upcoming expedition - and there’s a whole fucking list, but this part stings exceptionally bad - is that Eren is going to be riding out with what is essentially a protective escort. Levi Squad - and that’s still so fucking funny, honesty, it pisses Levi off _so_ much - will be riding with Eren for the entire expedition, keeping him safe in the event that they do bait their unseen enemies into acting. None of them have any idea what might happen, whether it’ll be just titans that come after them or the more horrifying possibility that the armoured or the colossal will make a terrifying appearance, and if they do they don’t know what their goal will be. Which puts Eren in a position he really doesn’t want to be in. Not because he’s afraid for himself, but because Levi, Isabel, Petra, all of his squad will be in danger just because of their proximity to Eren.

Erwin had said any one of their comrades is willing to die for another. Eren doesn’t want that to be true. He knows it is, though. And he hates it.

He’s taken Levi’s words to heart, though. Not the bit about shifting and running, Levi has to know that Eren would never do that, but the part about shifting the moment he feels he needs to. Eren’s trained hard for this day, put his body through horrific strain just to be able to hold his own out there, but he’s not arrogant enough to believe that skill is what’s going to get him through the expedition. He might not even be able to kill a titan with his blades, might not be fast enough, might miss the angle and cut too shallow. Too many variables and an impossibly short window to calculate them in. The only way Eren’s going to be able to keep his friends safe effectively is in his titan form. So the moment he thinks he needs to, he’ll be shifting and raising hell that way.

It’s all he can do, really. They can’t possibly predict how the expedition will go, even Erwin with his ridiculous, mildly terrifying intellect, can’t have thought of everything, and the breadth of what Eren doesn’t know is terrifying. He’d almost forgotten it. Everything that had happened with Levi, his friends, getting to see Isabel and Farlan again, spending time with Hanji, training, in the midst of it all he’d forgotten about what was waiting for them just a few miles outside the gates.

Titans. Freedom. The Basement. Shiganshina. A world infinitely larger than the one they inhabit inside the walls. And Eren had forgotten it, had been blinded by a thin veneer of happiness, had forgotten everything he’d lost.

But… That’s not a bad thing, is it? It’s not a bad thing that the rage is quieter, that it only seems to spark uncontrollably when he’s a titan. His mom would be proud of him for that, for controlling the temper he’s always struggled with. It’s not a bad thing that Eren’s no longer so angry he feels like it’s trying to shake him apart. It’s a good thing, right?

“Eren?” Mikasa lands lightly beside him on the branch, docking her left trigger to touch his shoulder. “Are you alright? You’ve been staring into space for like, ten minutes.”

“Sorry, yeah, I just…” Eren shakes his head. “A lot on my mind. Like… A ridiculous amount. Literally all of the time.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“I don’t… Think so? Probably not now, Levi won’t-“

“The pipsqueak’s untangling Floch’s wires, I wouldn’t worry too much.”

“Oh, yikes. Wasn’t Flock, like… The year above us?”

Mikasa nods. “He’s not even a new recruit, that’s just embarrassing.”

Eren huffs a laugh. “I forget how mean you can be.”

“It’s not mean, I’m just honest.” She nudges him with her elbow. “Come on, out with it.”

Eren sighs. “It’s a bit too much to just blurt out, you know? I just… I’m worried. About the expedition. About you guys. I want to keep you safe, but I’ll be… Off in the formation under guard. And I keep- Like, I keep thinking about how good things are, how happy I am, and it… It feels wrong. Does that make sense?”

Mikasa looks at him for a long moment before raising both her triggers. “Come with me,” she says, firing her anchors up and zipping off the branch up through the canopy before Eren can respond. He stares after her for a moment before glancing towards the rest of their squadmates and following her up. She’s not gone far, is waiting for him only a few meters up where the tree cover is thick enough to obscure them while they talk.

It hasn’t been just the two of them for… An awfully long time.

“Just so shorty won’t yell at us for shirking,” Mikasa says, dangling a leg from the branch she’s perched on. “For someone with such an aversion to authority, he sure does love giving orders.”

“It’s a control thing,” Eren says absently. “He likes to know he’s got full control over the situation so he can plan for any incidents that might crop up.”

“Is it a-“

“It is not a sex thing.”

“...Not what I was going to ask.”

“Really?”

“...Anyway.” She smirks, kicks his shin lightly. “You feel bad for being happy?”

“Ugh.” Eren slumps back against the trunk of the tree they’re sitting on the branch of, stiffening a little when it shifts under his weight, far thinner up here than it is lower down. “It’s- We live in a cage. I’ve fought against that all my life. I want to get out, I want to fight, I want to get our home back and see the sea like we always talked about with Armin.”

“Right.”

“But… Like, I’m so fucking happy most of the time. With you guys, with Levi, with our friends. I forget that the MPs want me dead, I forget that the titans are just waiting for another chance to get inside the walls again. I forget that there’s a fucking war going on here that we didn’t even know we were part of. How can I forget that, Mikasa? What does that say about me?”

She’s quiet for a long moment, thoughtful, a frown creasing the skin between her brows. “Do you remember what it was like? When I first came to live with you? How quiet I was all the time?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you remember how whenever you and Armin made me laugh, I’d get quieter?”

...Huh. Now that she’s mentioning it, yeah, he does. He nods a confirmation.

“I was so guilty,” she admits. “You and your parents, you gave me a home,” she brushes her fingers over her scarf, “took me in and watched over me. Gave me a family again. But it felt like being safe, being happy, was forgetting my parents and the life we had together. I felt so bad all of the time, like being happy meant I was forgetting them.”

Well, fuck.

“You’re definitely my sister,” Eren mumbles. Mikasa looks quietly delighted by the admission. “What? You are. How do you always do that? Hit the nail right on the fucking head?”

“I just know you,” Mikasa says fondly. “And because I know you, I’m going to tell you what your mom told me, years ago now. Be happy and don’t let anyone or anything take that away from you. The world is cruel, but so beautiful, too. Take the happiness as it comes, wherever it comes from, whenever it comes, and don’t let anything take it away from you.”

“Mom said that?”

“Mm. She was an incredibly smart woman. You were just too busy fighting everything that breathed to listen.”

Eren sucks in a breath. Fuck, she’s right, but it still stings.

“Oh, Eren, I didn’t mean-“

“No, it’s fine, you’re right,” Eren says, a little unsteadily. “I didn’t listen and I should have. I never fucking listened to her. I was so convinced I knew everything. And now the only thing I _do_ know is that I _don’t_ know anything.”

“I still shouldn’t have said-“

“‘kasa, it's fine. Really. I’m not… It’s fine. You’re right, you’re always fucking right. I promise I’m always going to listen to you from now on, okay?”

“No, you’re not,” Mikasa says, eyes glinting with amusement over her scarf. “You’re going to go on as you always do and I’ll remind you of this conversation and you’ll pretend you’ve gone deaf.”

“Sorry, what did you say? I can’t hear you.”

“Idiot,” Mikasa says, fond, and kicks him in the shin. “Feel better?”

“A lot. Thanks… Listen, the expedition-“

“Will be fine,” she says firmly. “Just stay safe and I’ll do the same. And so will Armin and everyone else we care about. We can only do what we can do. And whatever happens, we’ll deal with it.”

Eren sighs. “You’re right. _Again_. I just… Wish things were different. You… You know Hanji thinks dad did this to me?”

Mikasa nods sadly. “I wish we knew why.”

"You really think he did?"

"It's the only explanation that makes sense. As much as I wish it wasn't."

“Yeah… Me, too. You reckon we’ll find out? Any idea what might be in the basement?”

“I genuinely don’t know. Research notes, is all I can think of, really. Anything more than that, I have no idea.”

“No, me neither.” Eren sighs. “Shit’s fucked, huh?”

“Just a bit. But we’ll get through. We always do.” She reaches out to take his hand, linking their fingers together gently. “Promise.”

Eren wiggles his fingers, dislodging all but his pinkie from Mikasa’s, curling them together into a promise more binding than anything else on earth. “Side by side?”

Mikasa smiles. “Always.”

Eren smiles at her, opens his mouth to thank her once more, but then Levi comes crashing through the foliage with a face like thunder and Eren gives a startled cry that’s almost a shriek, nearly topples backwards off the branch; would have, if Mikasa hadn’t caught him.

“Now, I fucking _know_ you brats aren’t stupid enough to play hooky during _my_ fucking training sessions. Get your scrawny asses down here before I string you up by your harnesses!”

“Sir, yes, Sir!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mikasa, you own my fucking heart. ily queen <3


	54. Chapter 54

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Personally, I think that soldiers and civilians - especially those residing in Rose’s boundary, would have little ID books that list their rank and personal information, to use to withdraw funds, similar to a pocket book. Considering they have no other form of identification other than... Well, their faces. No photographic ID, anyway. So that’s what the ID book is. Just so ya know.

“You know several soldiers have put in complaints against you.”

“The fuck they have.”

“That’s… I don’t really know what to say to that.”

Levi leans back in his chair, spreads his hands in a particularly smug _there you go_ gesture that Erwin - judging by the disapproving twist to his mouth - does not appreciate in the slightest. Which is very much not Levi’s problem. “Did any of the complaints come from _my_ squad?”

“No.”

“Ah. Then, you see, I don’t care.”

Erwin sighs, swirls his teacup once before lowering it. “Just as well, I suppose. They’re not official complaints, anyway.”

“Right, so the soldiers are just having a bitch fest.”

“I’d not use that terminology, but… Yes, I suppose so.”

“Let ‘em. It’s good for the blood. Gets all the bad humours out.”

“I’m not sure how correct that is, but if you’re not bothered by it, there’s not a lot I can do, I suppose. Though perhaps you could make an _attempt_ to be less…”

“Rude?” Levi offers. “Demanding? _Fastidious?”_ Thank you, Eren.

“...I was going to say “awful”.”

“...Fair.” Levi sniffs. “And I’m working on it. Promise. I’m not like you, I don’t ooze charm like a weeping sore.”

“Such… vivid imagery. I do so enjoy our little chats.”

Yeah, Levi does, too, weirdly enough. He didn’t at first, because “taking tea with the Commander” entails the kind of mental gymnastics Levi is in no way prepared to perform on a good day. It’s like mixing his favourite thing and his least favourite things together. No, not like, it _is_ mixing his most and least favourite things together; tea and lectures. Fucking abysmal.

But Erwin’s not so bad, really. He’s human, as much as he doesn’t fucking look it. He gets stressed just like the rest of them, has a secret love of complaining that rivals Levi’s own, and as superiors that don’t tend to rub along well with the vast majority of the population - albeit for drastically different reasons - they do actually get on when Erwin’s not dedicating every working moment to getting right the fuck on Levi’s nerves.

Also Levi’s trying to butter him up a little bit. Just a little bit, though.

And speaking of… “So, I have a request. A favour, really.”

Erwin looks at him. “After you called me a weeping sore? I really do have to admire your temerity, Levi.”

Levi is not very good at buttering people up.

“For the record, I said “like” a weeping sore.”

“Ah, my mistake. A vital distinction, I’m sure.”

“Yeah, now you’re getting it.”

“Then by all means,” Erwin says with a flourish. “The floor is yours, Captain.”

Here goes nothing. “Couple of my squad want to take Eren into Caleneth tomorrow. Before the expedition when things inevitably go tits up. Get away from the castle for a bit. So I’m gonna need you to sign off on that.”

Erwin is quiet for a long moment. He seems to be thinking very hard about Levi’s request, either that or he’s picked a weird moment to do complex mathematics. Then he sighs, leaning back in his seat with a slow shake of his head and Levi’s disappointed but not surprised. “I can’t, Levi. I’m sorry.”

Erwin may be many things, very few of which are particularly favourable, but though he’s certainly lacking in many areas, the one thing he has going for him is his fairness and the deep sense of duty that stems from. He’s manipulative, empathetic but not sympathetic - and the difference in his case is a striking one - but he’d die before he let any harm fall to his comrades. At least, any harm that he could feasibly prevent. 

It’s for that reason that Levi hasn’t taken his fucking head off, honestly, which is something he’s been wanting to do since they fucking met down below Stohess, on and off over the past three years. Sometimes the urge is manageable, but sometimes - like now - Levi’s fingers itch to draw blades and blood in the same savage movement. It’s horrifically unfair, and even worse Erwin looks genuinely apologetic, which means Levi can’t even rage at him like he wants to. 

“I know it’s not what you wanted to hear,” Erwin says. “But that’s all I can tell you. I wish it were different, but I can't allow Eren into the city.”

Levi had suspected as much. Even before Mikasa and Isabel had crept up to him, taken him quietly aside and asked him to accompany them into Calaneth with Eren for the day, to please ask the Commander if he would let Eren leave HQ for a few short hours with an escort so they could spend some time away from training and stress and looming titan threat. Levi knows he’s been unfair to pretty much every scout these past few days, Eren included, which is why he’d been so willing to do what they’d asked him. Fat lot of good it did them. 

“I’d be there,” Levi offers, a last ditch attempt. “Hanji would come too, and my squad, plus Ackerman who’s pretty much the only scout who comes close to me in terms of skill. He wouldn’t be alone, the risk would be minimal. And you can’t say he doesn’t deserve it. He did everything and more that you asked him to. He’s as prepared for the expedition as he’s going to get.”

“This isn’t a wilful refusal, Levi,” Erwin says. “I’m not shooting your suggestion down because I can’t see the logic in it. I’d love nothing more than to turn you all loose in the city for a few hours. Genuinely, I would. And it’s not the risk that’s the problem.”

“Then _what?”_

Erwin sighs unhappily. “We might think of Eren as the key to our salvation-“

“He’s one man, Erwin, not a fucking messiah.”

“-The sentiment that’s garnered him the title of “Humanity’s Hope” does not stretch as far as we’d like it to,” Erwin finishes like Levi hadn’t spoken at all. “You see what the scouts see and the scouts trust Eren as a comrade and friend. But I can’t just take our impressions as gospel. We have to consider how the public view us and you know as well as I do that the scouts have never been looked upon favourably.”

True. Not unless you’re an idiotic, idealistic kid with a heart of fucking gold and a sense of determination so strong it’s unreal. “So you won’t let him go into the city because you’re afraid of a bit of gossip?”

“I won’t let him go into the city because I don’t want any harm to come to him out of the public’s ridiculous sense of fear,” Erwin counters. “You know what fear does to people, Levi. They’d string him up given half the chance. A few hours away from the castle would do him good, yes, but at what cost? He’d have to endure sidelong glances, whispers, jeers, perhaps even outright violence. Would you subject him to that just for a few hours of tenuous freedom?”

“...No,” Levi admits, hating himself. “What am I supposed to do, then? He’s never going to be more than a prisoner, is he?”

Erwin’s expression shifts and Levi’s more than a little shocked about it. He never shows his anger plainly on his face, never shows anything but tacit magnanimity or gentle disapproval, not unless they’re in the field and his vicious determination shines through, strong enough to rival Eren’s own. But now his expression creases, anger sweeping over his angular, proud face in a wave. 

“Eren is a scout,” Erwin snaps. “Whatever label the MPs want to give him is up to them, but he is under _my_ command, which means he is one of _my_ soldiers and, as such, will be afforded the full benefit of his rank.”

Pleased as he is by Erwin’s impassioned admission, Levi has to push back. “Then why hasn’t he got a fucking ID book, yet? All the other recruits have one.”

Erwin scowls and that’s a fucking sight to behold. His brows pinch together so severely they’re practically vertical. “Because I can’t give him one,” Erwin says, tone so heavy with derision Levi _almost_ takes a step back. “I can’t have him formally recognised as a scout with the MPs pushing back so hard. I can’t pay him a formal wage, not yet. But rest assured that Eren is a scout where it counts, to me and to every one of his comrades. And I’ve been allocating a stipend to give him when I’m permitted to do so.”

It’s far more than Levi had been expecting, but less so than he’d hoped. “You really are fighting against all sides for him, aren’t you?”

“I am,” Erwin says, expression smoothing out into something less angry and more resigned. “It’s not fair, we’re on a tight leash here, but I am fully content for us to pull as hard as we can in whichever direction we see fit. As soon as I can have Eren formally recognised as a scout, I will. You have my word, Levi.”

And Levi trusts him. They might not see eye to eye on every issue - fucking impossible when the man is like twice Levi’s fucking height, goddamn it - but Levi trusts Erwin as much as is possible for him to manage. They’ll always disagree because they could not be more different as people, but where it counts at least Levi can trust in their mutual dislike for the powers that be to sync up enough for them to present a united front.

“Out of curiosity, how far am _I_ allowed to pull that leash? Just so I know exactly how far I can push the MPs without causing a political incident.”

Erwin chuckles lightly. “You push it far enough as it is. Or did you think I had turned a blind eye to your secretive little jaunts into the forest?”

“No, I didn’t, I just didn’t care if you knew or not.”

Erwin’s lips twitch. “You like to cast such a disobedient persona about yourself, don’t you?”

“Not particularly. Strength doesn’t lie in flouting authority. It comes from having the stones to make your own calls if you’ve been given an order that’s wrong.”

“Well said,” Erwin smiles. “I know it’s a bad situation, you’ve both dealt with it admirably. And if the expedition is a success, I’ll have no qualms letting you and your squad take a day’s leave to venture into the city. Once public opinion has improved, of course.”

“Alright,” Levi says, refusing to let his shoulders sag like they want to, defeated and disappointed. He’s better than that. “Well, you managed to turn me down without coming across as an asshole, so points to you, I guess.”

Erwin smiles. “It’s a talent.”

“Manipulative bastard.”

“Thank you. One more thing, though, before you go.”

“Mm?”

“The expedition.”

Right, yeah, like Levi could fucking forget. “What about it? Everything’s ready, there’s nothing more we can do except ride out. Formation’s solid, recruits are prepared, supply wagons are loaded. Gear’s been cleaned and checked and fucking checked again-“

“I’m not concerned about our preparations,” Erwin says with a dismissive wave. “I trust my soldiers. What I'd like to know is… Are _you_ prepared?”

Levi blinks. “Is that a trick question? Have I forgotten something important that you’re absolutely going to destroy me for?”

“Not quite. Well… Maybe.” He taps the end of his pencil absently against his desk. “I’ve been meaning to bring it up with you, but so far I’ve not actually had much reason to. Considering you’ve otherwise been able to do your job beyond reproach.”

Oh no. 

“But I have to say, Levi, I’m not _blind_.”

Shit, shit, _shit_.

“The tension between you and Hanji, is this going to be a problem? Do I need to mediate a reconciliation between you two?”

...No, hang on, back it up.

“What in the goddamn hell are you talking about?”

Erwin frowns. “I understand you feel they overstepped in regard to what happened the other day with Eren’s… Experimentation. But I would prefer this not cause a rift between two of my best soldiers.”

Oh, thank _god_. “It’s a literal non-issue. There’s no tension, they just annoy me.”

“Good,” Erwin says, relieved. “I want you both at your best out there. Beyond your best, if possible.”

“Yeah, don’t worry. I’m perfectly capable of killing however many titans you want to point me at.”

“Glad to hear it. And Levi?”

“Yeah?”

“I am sorry. I know this isn’t how Eren wanted his scouting career to go. Once the pressure from the MPs has lessened, I’m hoping things will improve. For both of you.”

It’s a nice sentiment, but Levi knows Erwin too well to just let that lie. “What aren’t you telling me? And cut the fucking bullshit, I know when you’re lying. You’re not nearly as enigmatic as you think you are.”

“Levi, I’ve been as honest with you as it is possible for me to be,” Erwin says with the kind of disarming sincerity that’s hard to refute. “Though I don’t think it’s _my_ honesty that’s the issue here. Perhaps you’re paranoid? Guilty conscience?” Erwin’s impressive eyebrows climb up his forehead. 

Well, _fuck_.

“My conscience is fine,” Levi says evenly. “I’ve got nothing to confess to.”

“Glad to hear it. But if you do, my door is always open.”

“How did you manage to make that sound like a threat?”

Erwin’s smile turns sharp. “I’m a man of many talents. You can go.”

Levi leaves with all the speed of a man viscerally aware of how close he’s just come to catastrophe, heart thudding unsteadily in his chest as he escapes Erwin’s office and considers going full Eren and sprinting through the castle in an attempt to put as much distance as is physically possible between his scarily perceptive Commander and his fucking personal life. He doesn’t because he’s got more fucking decorum than that, but also because Isabel’s waiting for him halfway down the corridor, arms folded with an expression of deep dissatisfaction.

“You didn’t try very hard,” she says, eyes narrowing. “What happened to that legendary Levi tenacity?”

“Oh, bite me,” he snaps. “You go in there if you think you can do a better job. Be my fucking guest. But he’s right, as much as I hate to admit it. I’m not willing to subject Eren to the fear-driven idiocy of the people. You shouldn’t be either.”

“I’m not,” Isabel says, looking about as happy with the situation as Levi feels. “Still fucking sucks, though. You’ve been a proper asshole these past few days, you owe him a fucking break. Hell, you owe _all_ of us.”

Levi sighs. “I know. And I fucking wish I could do something about it, but I can’t. Expedition’s in two days, Isabel. I’m going out of my fucking mind.”

“What else is new?” Isabel teases, though her heart isn’t in it. Levi can’t blame her. “You get like this before every fucking expedition, though. You should be used to it by now.”

“It’s not something I can just “get used to”,” Levi says through his teeth. “If I’d lost you and Farlan at the beginning, yeah, maybe. Maybe I’d be a fucking husk with no other fucking purpose but to kill titans until one of them takes my fucking head off, but no, I just keep collecting brats to look after and, frankly, it’s starting to thin my patience just a _bit_.”

“Hey, now,” Isabel says, alarm flashing across her face. “That’s not like you, what the hell?” She reaches for him, gripping his arm tightly. “What’s really going on?”

“It’s nothing,” Levi grits out, though he doesn’t shake her off like he wants to. Actually, no, he doesn’t want to. He wants to gather them all up; Isabel, Eren, Mikasa, Armin, he wants to grab them all and fucking run, to ensure that none of them ever have to witness the horrors that can occur beyond the gates. But he can’t. All he can do is push them hard, make sure they’re as prepared as they’re going to fucking get, make sure their chances of survival are as high as possible, and make them miserable in the process.

Isabel gives him a long, calculating look. “...Alright, so, we can’t go into town,” she says in the bizarrest segue of the century. “Or, rather, _Eren_ can’t. But I’m perfectly fine to go, right?”

Levi frowns at her. “If you want, I guess?”

“Good. So if I ask you to, will you do me a favour? And just so you know, you really do fucking owe me at this point so you can’t actually say no.”

“That depends on what the favour is,” Levi says warily.

Isabel grins. “I’m gonna need a lot of firewood. And I’m going to need Sasha and Connie’s culinary expertise. And I also know for a fact that Nifa, Rashad, and Lauda are wonderfully musically inclined.” Isabel waggles her eyebrows. “Do you see where I’m going with this?”

“You want… To throw a party?”

Isabel nods sagely. “I want to throw a party. It’s the recruits’ first expedition! We need to send them off memorably!”

Yeah, send them off to their fucking deaths, in all likelihood. But Levi can’t deny that sending them off in good spirits will be the best and kindest thing they can do for them. Because once they pass through the outer gate of Calaneth, they’ll never be the fucking same. Trost will seem like a fucking dream compared to what they’ll see out there. And it’s almost certain that a good number of them won’t fucking make it back.

“Alright,” Levi says after a moment’s consideration. “Fuck it, yeah. Get Hanji in on this. Farlan, too. Take my ID book into Calaneth with you, too. Draw out some funds to get whatever you need.”

“Holy shit,” Isabel says, eyes wide. “I mean, I was just going to get some sweetmeats and some candied nuts and stuff. But if you’re giving me the go ahead…”

“I’m not giving you the go ahead,” Levi says. “This is a direct order from your Captain.” He slips his hand into his breast pocket, tugging his ID book out and handing it to her. “Withdraw however fucking much you need, I don’t care, I’m sure as hell not going to use it, am I?”

“This won’t cut into your tea fund, will it? I know you have expensive taste for your hot, boiled leaf juice.”

“Philistine. And no. And if it does, I’ll just claim expenses. Erwin fucking owes me for shooting us down today. I’m boosting morale so he can either join us or shut his mouth about it.”

“Okay,” Isabel says, eyes bright with excitement. “I should call you out for being an asshole more often if you’re going to be like this about it. Actually, remember that time-”

“My generosity isn’t limitless.”

“Noted.” Isabel has the fucking stones to salute him and Levi considers violence. “I’m going to go wild, just so you know. Honey wine, cider, I’m going the whole hog.”

“Then I fucking raised you right,” Levi says. “Now go before I change my mind. And take Petra with you. I have the sneaking suspicion she’s been wanting an excuse to take my head off since I insulted her form yesterday. In my defence, though, it was sloppy as shit.”

“Yeah, it was a bit,” Isabel says, chewing her lip thoughtfully. “Don’t fucking tell her I said that.”

“Scout’s honour. Now off you fuck.”

Isabel fucks off, scampering down the hallway with a victorious cackle that serves to ease some of Levi’s stress, bringing it back down to slightly - _slightly_ \- more bearable levels. He’s still tense enough to snap like a bow string, but he no longer feels like he could shit out a diamond if someone pushed a pencil up his ass. Not that they would, but… Well, anyway.

The only thing to do now is smooth things over with Eren. And maybe Farlan and the others, if Levi’s feeling charitable enough to admit to being a complete and utter dickhole for the past few days. He has been, he’s painfully aware that he has, but there isn’t really another option. He could admit that he’s fucking terrified, the way he has been ever since that first fucking expedition when he’d had no clue just how grim the world beyond the walls could be. If he’s honest with himself, which he rarely is, he’d have to admit that coming so close to losing Farlan has left a scar that’ll never fucking heal. He’d barely made it through Farlan’s fucking recovery with his sanity intact. If he had to endure that again, if anything happens to Isabel or Eren or any of the others, he genuinely doesn’t know what he’ll do.

All he can do is trust that they’re skilled enough to survive and, if they’re not, hope that he can do something before it’s too late. But that’s an unrealistic expectation to have, even taking into account his considerable skill. They’re all spread too thin, dotted around the formation too far for Levi to cover even if he wanted to. The only ones he can actively watch out for are the Spec Op squad. Mikasa, Armin, Hanji, they’ll have to look after themselves and if their section commanders let them down… Levi’s going to rain so much fire down on them it’ll make titans look like fucking _angels_ in comparison.

But the expedition is still two days away and right now, Levi has to make amends. He doesn’t want to spend the next forty-eight hours locked inside his own head, agonising over every wretched possibility. He wants to get _out_ , to distract himself from the horrific shit show he knows is waiting for them.

A tall order, to be sure. But luckily Levi has a pretty handy trick for getting out of his head. It’s about six feet tall and has an uncanny ability to brighten even Levi’s sourest mood, if he lets it. He’s more than willing to do that now, if Eren’s not too pissed at him after yesterday’s fucking debacle. In Levi’s defence, though, hounding the recruits to fly better is the only way he can show that he wants them to fucking live. If he didn’t give a shit, he wouldn’t say a word.

He just hopes that they know that.

It takes a good half hour to track the brat down, though. He’s not in the dining hall or the Pit, though Hanji and Farlan are, doing something ungodly with a blowtorch. He’s not in his room or Levi’s, neither is he down the training circuit where the rest of the 104th seem to spend most of their time these days, but at least Jean’s feeling helpful today and can tell Levi that he’d seen Mikasa and Armin give Ness the slip about an hour ago, which gives Levi at least some clue for where the brats might be hiding.

His hunch proves to be correct when he hears the sound of Armin’s light laughter coming from the undercroft, and he creeps down the stairs to lean round the open door, spying the three of them sprawled out among storage crates with a dilapidated Go board between them.

“I’m pretty sure that move’s illegal,” Eren protests, picking up one of the pieces and flicking it with perfect accuracy into Armin’s forehead. “So I win by default.”

“I’m not even sure you know how to play,” Armin teases, tossing the piece back at him. “What the hell was that strategy anyway?”

“Divide and conquer! C’mon, Arm’, you’re the tactician here!”

“I am, and that was a ridiculous strategy. Even Jean could have beaten you.”

“You take that back!”

They look so carefree like this, caught in a little bubble of peace that's so much more fragile than they know and Levi doesn’t want to ruin it for them, no matter how badly he’d like Eren’s forgiveness for being such an unrepentant fucking shitheel for the past few days. He needs to leave them to it, let them have this time and enjoy it while they can, because there’s no guarantee that the three of them will all survive the expedition and, even if they do, there’s no telling how it will change them. 

Levi turns to slip silently back out through the door, but Eren’s got a fucking sixth sense for Levi’s presence, apparently, and calls out before he can make his escape.

“Levi!” A smile lights up his face and just like that, the past few days’ worth of stress melts out of Levi’s body like snow under sunlight. He never stood a fucking chance, did he? “Come tell Armin my strategies are flawless.”

Levi smirks. “You want me to lie to him? Lie right to his fucking face?”

“Harsh!” Eren laughs. “Wow, way to stab me in the back.” He clutches his heart, mimes toppling back to the floor with an exaggerated death rattle. Armin laughs, dropping a handful of Go pieces onto his face.

“Ultimate betrayal,” Mikasa intones, shaking her head. “Come sit, Levi, you can watch me obliterate Armin next round.”

He’s being invited to join them, by Mikasa no less, and Armin and Eren nod eagerly in agreement at the prospect. Somehow, even after all this time, Levi still forgets that he’s earned his place among them as their friend. He doesn’t know how, but he’s so fucking grateful for it. 

“I’ll play the winner,” Levi finally says and the three of them cheer their approval at him. “But go easy, yeah? I’m more of a chess man, really.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” Armin says. “I’m a good teacher, we can have a few test rounds first.”

“You that confident you’ll win, Arlert?” Eren asks, brows raising. “Bit cocky, aren’t we?”

“Considering I’ve won every game I’ve played against you since we were seven… Yeah.”

“Well, that’s embarrassing for you,” Levi comments, settling down on the fucking floor like it’s not covered in dirt and dust. He cares significantly less about it than he usually would, just because he’s at Eren’s side. “How many games is that?”

“So many,” Armin says seriously. “He flipped the board once, he got so angry.”

“That was an accident!” Eren argues. “I stood up too fast and knocked it over!

“And what were you standing up to do, initially?”

“...Hit you with a pillow.”

“Because you lost and you can’t handle losing.”

“I grew up with _Mikasa_. I have a _complex.”_

“That sounds like a you problem,” Mikasa says with a sniff. “Besides, there are plenty of things that you can do that I can’t.”

“Yeah,” Armin offers consolingly. “Like turn into a titan.”

Eren narrows his eyes. “...And?”

Armin’s quiet for a long moment. “...Piss standing up?”

Levi snorts so hard he nearly inhales his own tongue, has to turn his head and wheeze into the crook of his elbow while Eren flushes right to the tips of his hair and starts pelting Armin with Go pieces. Mikasa trills a light laugh that Levi’s heard maybe… twice? In all the years he’s known her? It’s nice. Suits her.

“You guys are the worst,” Eren grumbles, the picture of petulance. 

“You’ll get over it, I’m sure,” Mikasa says, collecting up the pieces to reset the board. Her gaze flickers to Levi. “How did your meeting with the Commander go?”

Levi shakes his head. “Not as well as I’d hoped, unfortunately. He made a point that I couldn’t really argue against.”

Mikasa doesn’t look pleased, but Levi hadn’t expected her to be happy with any outcome that wasn’t an enthusiastic go ahead, which they were never going to get, honestly. “Which was?”

Levi inclines his head. “Public danger isn’t the issue. The opposite is.”

Understanding flickers through Mikasa’s eyes and she sighs softly before nodding. “Makes sense.” Her brow furrows and Levi reads that loud and clear. _I still don’t like it, though._

Levi shrugs. _Yeah, me neither._

“What’s going on?” Eren asks curiously. “What did you need to talk to the Commander about?”

“Nothing important,” Levi lies easily. “Just some shit with the other soldiers. Apparently I’ve got a few marks on my record he wanted to clear up. Complaints.” Levi narrows his eyes. “You brats been talking shit about me?”

“Behind your back?” Armin says, sounding scandalised. “Never, Sir. We respect you too much to speak badly of you to our comrades.” He smiles, all wide-eyed and innocent. “We’d tell you to your face.”

Levi snorts. “Fair play, Arlert. Still, though. You snotty little whelps got a problem with my training style?”

“Yes,” Eren says at once. “It’s _so_ bad. Like, I thought _Shadis_ was mean, but you’re on a whole other level.”

“Yeah, your insults are so…” Armin pauses, looking thoughtful. “...Personal.”

“The fuck is wrong with you three?” Levi demands with no real heat. “Crafted insults are the epitome of displays of affection, the hell are you talking about?”

“Learn how to relate to people better,” Mikasa says pointedly. 

“Disgusting. No.” Levi shudders. “But fine, if you can’t appreciate the effort I put in to insulting you properly, that’s your problem. But you’ll be pleased to know that’s it for now. You shits are as prepared as you’re gonna get, so you won’t have to suffer any more training sessions with me.”

“Oh, thank god,” the ungrateful brats chorus in unison.

“So we’re done?” Eren asks, looking all sorts of hopeful. “We can just take it easy now?”

“Yeah, for today and tomorrow, at least.” Levi shrugs. “Isabel’s planning some sort of…” He waves a hand vaguely. “Shindig. For tomorrow. I gave her my ID book so if she comes back from the city with a shit ton of stuff, just know that she’s always been a dirty little thief at heart.”

“It’s not really theft if you gave her your book, though, is it?” Armin points out. “Did you set a budget?”

“What? No.”

Armin winces. “Well, good luck with that, I guess.”

“Yeah, she’s going to clear you out,” Mikasa says, moving one of her pieces across the board. “Well done.”

Levi glares at her. “See if I fucking do anything nice for you ungrateful little shit stains ever again.”

“Your poor financial decisions are not my problem.”

“Okay, you know what-”


	55. Chapter 55

The day before the expedition, the castle is bustling with a very different sort of energy than Levi had been expecting. Before every expedition, it’s always the same, the scouts have a snap of restlessness that carries them through the preceding week, then a dip in moods as everyone tries to mentally prepare themselves for what’s coming next. There’s none of that now and Levi can’t believe he hadn’t noticed it before. Of course it would be different this time around. Every new recruit has already seen hell, some of them twice over, so even though they’ve never set foot in titan country, they know what horror looks like.

And yet.

The entire castle is practically buzzing with excitement, which is just testament to Isabel’s infectious personality. Since she and Petra returned from Calaneth yesterday evening with their spoils - courtesy of Levi’s fucking wallet, thank you very much - pretty much every scout in HQ has sat up and taken notice. They gathered firewood all of yesterday evening, set up the bonfires in the grounds to light once the sun has set, dragged out tables, stools, logs to sit on, and everyone is eager for the end of daylight, more so than they should be considering it’s bringing them closer and closer to the expedition.

Levi wishes he could join them. He’s never looked forward to an expedition, never will no matter how well he knows he can fight, kill, survive. Out of all of them, Levi is the one guaranteed to survive every expedition, because there is no other option. Levi’s too skilled to die out there. But the people he cares about?

Well.

It doesn’t bear thinking about. Levi’s so twisted up with nervous energy he’s physically nauseous. But he’s their fucking Captain, so he can’t show weakness. Not even to Eren when they’re alone, he can’t let him see that. He can’t know just how afraid Levi is to lose him.

Which is why he was so willing for Isabel to do this for them all. To give them a few hours of merriment before they all fucking die. And maybe it’s cruel, maybe it’s kind, Levi can’t decide. All he knows is that he wants to keep Eren and his friends as safe as he possibly can, all while knowing that he fucking _can’t_. He physically can’t. Even he isn’t skilled enough to save everyone.

He’ll join them anyway. He’ll be down there in the grounds tonight, spending a few stolen moments among comrades and friends, will pretend with everything in him that tomorrow won’t end with bloodshed on a scale he still can’t stomach. Because there’s no other option. Levi will live and die as one of them, that’s the choice he made when he and Isabel formally signed themselves over to the scouts, offering up their fucking hearts. And he doesn’t regret his choice, even now. He excels at what he does, he’s found his fucking calling after all these years.

But if he could fight alone, he would. If he could go out there alone, he would. If he could take Eren’s power from him, take it into his own blood, he fucking _would_. No question, no hesitation. He’d bear the burden on his own shoulders for as long as his body could take it and he wouldn’t voice a single complaint against it.

It’s not fucking fair. None of it is fucking fair. But Levi’s life has _never_ once been fair. Everything he’s managed to earn, to steal, to con his way into obtaining has always come with a fucking condition. He should be used to it by now. He’s not. He won’t ever be.

He dearly fucking wishes he could forget, just for a fucking hour. Not even that long, twenty fucking minutes would be enough. Just to check the fuck out, forget what’s waiting for them when tomorrow finally comes. That’s all he’s asking for. It’s not fucking much.

He shoves his unending pile of paperwork away from himself roughly, kneads his knuckles against his forehead in a vain attempt to stave off the migraine that’s been steadily mounting for the past fucking forever. Maybe he should cave and take some fucking painkillers. He could probably use it, to be honest, make the world a little fuzzy for a while. Because fuck knows he’s not going to be able to-

“Levi?” A gentle knock at the door. “Can I come in?”

Levi grunts. It’s pretty much all he can manage but thankfully he’s understood and the door swings open, revealing a very flushed, very dirty Eren, smiling sheepishly like he’s done something he knows he shouldn’t have and has come to confess about it.

“Hi,” he says, kicking the door shut with a light shove of his foot. “I know this is awful, but I’m hoping I can utilise my “partner to the Captain” privileges here.”

Levi narrows his eyes, ignores the throbbing in his temples. “What have you done?”

Eren blinks. “What? Nothing. You just have the only private washroom. Can I use it?”

“Oh. Sure, knock yourself out. Why do you look like you’ve been rolling around in the dirt?”

“Because I have been,” Eren says, crossing the room towards Levi’s apparently highly coveted washroom. “Couple of us went to grab more firewood and it kind of devolved from there, really.”

“I… do not follow. I don’t think I _could.”_

“Oh, Jean started some shit he couldn’t finish,” Eren says, shrugging his shirt off and using it to wipe away some of the grime and sweat from his face. “So I had to wipe the floor with him.”

Levi shakes his head, hopelessly fond. “Fucking brats, the lot of you. Go wash off, you’re making the place look untidy.”

Eren, the little shit, salutes him, undercutting the tone of the whole thing with a wink. “Back in a sec, don’t work too hard.”

Levi flips him off. Affectionately. There’s no fucking hope of Levi finishing any of this bastard paperwork now, so he writes it off and gathers it into something vaguely resembling an orderly pile and shoves it in one of his desk drawers. While Eren clatters around in the washroom, he sets a pot of tea brewing and tugs the curtains closed to try and block out the bright afternoon light, hoping to head his migraine off before it can properly take hold. It works, a little, once the room is dim the throbbing eases to a more manageable level, but it’s still not great so he retreats to the bed for a few moments of quiet rest.

He must doze at least a little, because he’s woken what feels like less than a minute later by Eren perching on the end of the bed near his feet, damp hair pulled back into the messy bun Levi likes best on him, dressed in clean clothes and smelling reassuringly like verbena.

“You okay?” Eren asks softly, careful to keep his voice pitched low even though he knows it’s not sound that exacerbates Levi’s headaches. “You’ve been…” He trails off, face screwing up while he no doubt tries to figure out how to word his statement delicately. “...A little out of sorts.”

It’s an incredibly generous description, honestly. “I’m fine,” Levi murmurs, throwing a hand over his eyes. “Just tired.”

“Old man,” Eren teases lightly.

“Hardly. I’m only fucking twenty.”

“Yeah, but you were born, like, thirty-five.”

He can’t really argue with that assessment, honestly. He does feel a bit like he was born older. “Thirty-five isn’t old.”

Eren pinches his thigh. “Talk to me,” he says, ignoring Levi’s nonsense the way he’s learned to. “And don’t get all fucking grumpy, actually _talk_ to me. I’m here and I want to listen. Don’t do your whole suffer in silence routine, that shit doesn’t fly with me.”

No, it never has. Levi both hates and appreciates it in equal measure. “I don’t think you really want me to.”

“I do,” Eren counters easily. “I always want to talk with you. And you do owe me a bit. You’ve been such a shithole recently. And I know why, but still. Let it out, I promise I won’t judge.”

Levi lifts his arm, peers out at Eren from beneath it. “A shithole, huh?”

Eren grins, all teeth. “Grade A shithole.”

He lowers his arm again with a snort. “Charming.”

“Are you scared? About tomorrow?”

The response is immediate and horrifically unfair, but Levi can’t help it. It’s a gut reaction at this point. “Fuck off.”

“So that’s a yes,” Eren says, sounding more amused than offended. “Me, too.”

This time when Levi raises his arm, it’s to remove it completely. “Don’t turn this into a fucking therapy session, Eren. I don’t need you to fix what’s going on with me.”

“I know you don’t,” Eren says, getting up and moving over to the hearth. He takes the water off that Levi had carelessly left to oversteep - unlike him - and clicks his tongue before pouring it away. A waste, but neither of them can stomach oversteeped tea. He sets about preparing a new pot before he sighs and turns back to Levi with a surprisingly soft expression. “I know that you know this already, but you’re just one man, Levi. You can’t keep everybody safe and it’s not fair to berate yourself for that.”

Something ugly burns in Levi’s chest as he sits up against the headboard. “I fucking told you not to try and-”

“You told me you didn’t need me to fix it,” Eren snaps. “And I know that. Because no matter how you’re feeling right now, you’re still going to go out there tomorrow and fight with everything in you and no one can ask more of you than that. And I’m going to do the exact same fucking thing. And for the first time we’re going to be fighting _together_. And I don’t know about you, but the last time we did that, we did pretty fucking well.”

It’s a strange memory to bring up now, surprising enough that Levi’s insides untwist ever so slightly. “I wouldn’t say “well”. You nearly got your face kicked in.”

“Yeah, but you were there.”

“But if I hadn’t been-”

“But you were,” Eren says, dead fucking set on interrupting Levi at every turn today, it seems. “And you’ll be there tomorrow. And I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but your partner can turn into a fifteen meter titan when he wants to, so I _think_ we’ll be alright.”

Levi huffs, digs his fingers into the back of his shoulder to try and work some of the stiffness away. It doesn’t work, unsurprisingly. “Thinking is a lot different to doing, Eren. Anything can go wrong out there.”

“It’s alright,” Eren says. “I’ll keep our squad safe.”

Levi pauses, fingers stilling in their rough dig into his own muscles. “What?”

“I said I’ll keep our squad safe,” Eren says, turning back to the hearth to strain water through the leaves. “Trust me on that, okay? The moment I feel like I need to, you said, I should shift. And I will. Not just if my life’s in danger, but Isabel’s or Petra’s, or Eld’s, or Guther’s, or Oruo’s. To the best of my ability, I’ll keep them safe.”

“Their job is to protect _you_ , idiot. How are they meant to do that if you’re going to throw yourself in harm’s way?”

Eren smiles faintly. “I knew this soldier once. Fucking grumpy bastard, to tell you the truth. He taught me that strength comes from being able to take a stand against a bad call. And having people die for me - _me,_ who can regrow limbs and come back from the fucking _dead_ apparently - is the most contrived bullshit I’ve ever heard in my life. So the Levi Squad-” Levi grimaces, he can’t help it. “-Can try to keep me safe if they want, but I’m going to do the exact fucking same for them. For you. Because like fuck am I letting anyone fight _for_ me when I can do it myself.”

“Eren-”

“Levi.” Eren smirks at him. “Don’t argue with me on this, okay? How about instead of overloading yourself with the stress of wanting to keep your squad safe, you realise that every single one of them is trained and willing to work _with_ you. Don’t fight for us, Levi. Fight _with_ us.”

It sounds so simple, when he says it like that. And Levi wants the comfort Eren is trying to give him, he just fucking _can’t_. He can’t take it. He’s always been strong, had to be, and now he has so much more to fucking lose and he can’t let it be taken away from him. Not now. Not when he’s finally learning to let himself even _have_ shit like this.

But Eren’s strong, too. Far stronger than Levi ever gives him credit for. He’s a fucking brilliant fighter, proud but still humble enough to ask for help and to learn the things that he lacks. It’s why he was such a dedicated cadet, why he finished fifth in his year. It’s how he’s still standing here now, when Shiganshina should have been the end for him, when Trost should have. It’s why he’s here, part of Levi’s mind and soul, instead of standing at the edge of Levi’s life where he’d been prepared to stay as long as they could remain friends.

He’s stronger than Levi in every way that matters.

Maybe it’s okay for Levi to lean on him, too.

“Get the fuck out of your own head,” Eren tells him. “And if you need a hand, I’m literally right here.” He brings their cups over, nudging Levi’s shoulder with one until he has the presence of mind necessary to take it from him. “Actually, I have an idea. Cross your legs and put your back to me.”

“Uh,” says Levi. “Why?”

Eren sets his cup down on the nightstand. “Just trust me. Okay?”

Well, Levi does, so though he doesn’t really know what he’s meant to be doing, he does as Eren says. He shifts until he’s sitting with his back to Eren, legs crossed neatly though his gear straps protest the position. He doesn’t mind, though, it helps ground him a little, the reassuring pressure against his skin.

“Fucking hell,” Eren murmurs. “What the hell are your bones made out of, steel?”

“The fuck?”

“Your spine is like… Ramrod straight.”

“I carry some tension.”

“Yeah, no fucking shit,” Eren snickers, running his knuckles lightly down Levi’s spine. “Alright, breathe in.”

“Why-”

“Just do it, will you?”

Levi inhales, slowly because he has a suspicion that Eren’s going to try and do some weird calming shit on him. He’s clocked that before, the fact that Eren sometimes needs to ground himself by breathing, deep and slow. Not often, but it’s a trick he definitely didn’t have before Levi left, so something definitely happened while he was gone, though Eren’s not seen fit to share that with him just yet. And it seems to work for Eren, for the most part, but breathing isn’t going to fucking shift all of the stress in Levi’s body down to a-

“Hhhhhhhh,” Levi wheezes when Eren digs his thumbs into the hard muscle near his shoulder blades.

“Yeah?” Eren says, sounding deep in concentration. “There good?”

No? Yes? Levi can’t figure out if he wants to push back into it or recoil, honestly, so he just sits and waits for Eren to do it again. It fucking hurts, is what it is, deep, aching pain that’s also _fucking amazing_ somehow, like Eren’s digging into his skin and wrenching the stiffness out with his bare hands. He repeats the motion, digging his fingers in deep and rubbing in firm, slow circles that are coming dangerously close to punching some very strange sounds out of Levi’s lungs.

“Tell me if it hurts, I’m doing this to help, I don’t want to injure you.”

Yeah, there’s no danger of that, but Levi’s tongue doesn’t currently possess the coordination to tell him that. Not when a groan slips out of his mouth against his will, deep and heavy and _relieved_. He’d never fucking let anyone else get this close, Eren doesn’t know how lucky he is to still be in possession of his fucking hands. Then again, maybe he does. Considering how hard he’s digging his fingers in, he also knows that Levi can take a bit of a battering.

Not that that’s what he’s doing. His movements are slow, calculated, like he’s trying to target the places Levi is most tense and wring the stress out of him. It’s fucking working, too, is the bizarre thing, and Levi doesn’t understand how, but he’s sure as shit not going to complain. Especially not when Eren’s hands move down to Levi’s lower back and Levi _might_ moan a little bit. If he does, Eren’s smart enough not to comment on it.

Fucking hell.

The skin of Levi’s back goes from tense to pleasantly sore and tender in waves, slowly easing out of its tense knot as Eren moves his hands with a surprising level of skill. The worst-best part, though, is when his hands move up to Levi’s neck, to the muscles along the tops of his shoulders, the back of his neck, never pausing, always moving, and Levi feels like his fucking bones are melting. He’d never realised just how much tension he was carrying, feels like Eren’s working about two straight decades’ worth of stress from the muscles and Levi’s brain has just stopped working altogether. There’s nothing except pleasant, aching pain and the heat of Eren’s hands.

He nearly topples backwards when Eren stops, makes a _deeply_ dissatisfied noise about it, and Eren laughs, kisses the top of his head and wraps his arms loosely around Levi’s shoulders from behind.

“Better?”

Levi gives a vague grunt of assent. Even his fucking headache is gone. What the fuck?

“Want to sleep for a bit? Then we can head down to the bonfire.”

Yes, Levi wants that. Possibly more than he’s ever wanted anything in his _life_. However-

“Straps.”

“Hm? Oh.” Eren moves away which is _bad_ , but then he’s making swift work of Levi’s gear straps which is good. He has them loosened and off in less than a minute, which is a fucking feat considering Levi is no fucking help whatsoever. Then he’s crawling onto the bed beside Levi and folding his ridiculous limbs around him like a limpet, sighing contentedly as he settles down. “Feel any better? Even a little bit?”

Levi hums, headbutts Eren’s forehead gently with his own. Eren’s eyes crinkle with the width of his smile and this is the only fucking time Levi is _ever_ going to let himself tuck his head under Eren’s chin. The fuck does any of it matter when they don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow? He’s allowed this now and fuck anyone who has a problem with it, even Levi himself.

He’s allowed this.

* * *

Rested and calmer than he has been in days, Levi accompanies Eren down to the grounds where Isabel and Hanji are busy setting the bonfires alight. There are three to accommodate all the scouts that are going to want to sit around them, piled impressively high and doused in some sort of flammable liquid that Hanji is no doubt responsible for. It’s fine, though, considering the entire purpose of the evening is to set things on fire for their enjoyment, so Hanji’s in their fucking element. They step out of the castle just in time to see the fires ripple to glorious life, illuminating the dim grounds with warmth and light.

“Eren, Levi!” Farlan calls from his seat beside the furthest fire, flanked by Jan and Mikasa. “Over here!”

Eren grins and waves back, jogging over. Levi follows at a more sedate pace, nodding to Erwin who he’s surprised to see present, accompanied by Nanaba and Mike. Well, at least Levi doesn’t have to worry about being written up for permitting this whole thing. That’s a weight off his already overburdened mind.

“Here,” Farlan says once he’s near enough, thrusting a cup into Levi’s hands. A cursory sniff reveals it to be honey wine, which Levi is definitely not going to turn down. Isabel really did pull out all the stops.

Mikasa hands a cup to Eren who forgoes the log stools in favour of dumping his ass down on the grass, long legs stretched out towards the fire. He grins when Armin heads over, arms full of candied nuts and sweetmeats that he hands around their little group like the world’s sweetest waiter. He takes a seat beside Eren once he’s done and then Isabel careens over, hand in hand with Petra, and the night is begun.

The last time Levi sat around a campfire like this was among a group of peri-pubescent brats during the solstice. It feels like a lifetime since then, but the atmosphere is different, somehow. Or maybe it’s Levi who’s different, though he doesn’t really feel it. He is, though, there’s no denying it. He’s a Captain now, a true soldier and a skilled one, with friends and comrades, responsibilities and an… And an Eren.

Eren, who looks so fucking beautiful lit up by the glow of firelight, laughing when Isabel tries and spectacularly fails to catch a candied nut in her mouth. It bounces off her nose and is saved from falling to the floor by Petra’s quick reflexes. She laughs and leans over to pop it into Isabel’s mouth, kissing the sugar dust off Isabel’s nose while she’s close. Isabel flushes as red as her hair and Farlan cackles at her, an arm tight around Jan’s shoulders.

And here’s Levi, barely a meter away from Eren, unable to reach out like he wants to.

He could, there’s nothing stopping him except for his own hang-ups. That and maybe a world-class lecture from Erwin, which he’ll do anything to avoid right now. It’s fine, though, Levi can handle this for a few hours. He can handle Eren lit up by honey-soft firelight, close but so far all at once. He can handle it, because once the night is over, he’ll have Eren in every way he can before tomorrow comes.

“No, you’re doing it wrong!” Mikasa says, taking another nut from Isabel. “You’re closing your eyes, you have to keep watching so you can get under it.” She tosses the nut and tilts her head back, catching it perfectly in her mouth. “See?”

Isabel pouts and takes another nut for another, doomed-for-failure attempt. Predictably, she tosses the nut and misses by a mile, somehow managing to get the damn thing in her eye. “You said to keep my eyes open!”

“I give up,” Mikasa says. “Someone else teach her before I lose my mind.”

“I think that’s what we in the business refer to as a “lost cause”,” Farlan says, earning himself a sharp slap on the arm from Petra. “What?!”

“You lack discipline,” Mikasa tells her. “All of you; watch.” She holds a nut up, but this time she doesn’t throw it into her own mouth, instead tosses it forward and Eren’s there in a messy rush, catching it with perfect accuracy and grinning the entire time. At least until Armin hooks his ankle around Eren’s and sends him sprawling in the dirt.

“God, remember when you did that back home?” Armin asks. “You threw it so hard you nearly choked him.”

“Oh, I remember that!” Eren laughs. “God, that wasn’t funny at the time, I genuinely thought I was going to die.”

“Idiots,” Farlan says fondly. “It’s like you have to share your intelligence between you.”

“Nah, we don’t share,” Eren says, settling back against the log Mikasa’s perched on and cracking open his journal. “Armin gets the intelligence all the time and Mikasa gets the brawn.”

“What do you get?”

Eren considers this. “I can piss standing up?”

Armin chokes on his mead.

It’s… nicer than it has any right to be, sitting with them all like this. Rashad and Lauda are, as Isabel had suggested, lending their surprisingly pleasant musical talents to the night, Rashad with his weird stringed instrument that he’s using small, thin wooden hammers to coax beautiful sounds from, and Lauda with his flute, similar to the one Nairi had used years ago. Nifa, to Levi’s surprise, is not playing an instrument, instead lending her voice to the instruments, weaving a lively descant through the melody that even Levi has to admit sounds wonderful. He’s never really had time for music, never been in many situations where he’s had a chance to listen, but it’s lovely now that he’s had the opportunity to enjoy it.

Hanji, hilariously, is dancing by the fire, swinging around a long-suffering Moblit by the wrists. A couple of the 104th join them after a moment, and whether that’s because of the alcohol or because they can’t stand to see a section commander embarrass themselves, Levi doesn’t know. And while the music is certainly pleasant, there’s no way in hell Levi would ever, _ever_ subject himself to dancing. He’s not even sure his body would be able to handle the attempt.

It takes a few more drinks, but before long most of the gathered scouts have lost enough of their inhibitions to start dancing in earnest. Jean manages to stop stuttering over his words for long enough to ask Mikasa to dance which is hilarious, but even more shocking than him finally mustering up the stones to ask is the fact that Mikasa agrees, takes his hand with a small, shy smile. Eren grits his teeth about it, but he keeps silent after Petra gives him a pointed nudge with her foot.

“Fucking horse faced asshole better keep his paws to him-fucking-self,” he mutters once Mikasa and Jean are a safe distance away. “That’s all I’m saying.”

“Eren,” Armin says patiently. “If he doesn’t, Mikasa’s fully capable of throwing him headfirst into the fire.”

“Oh, right,” Eren says, perking up. “I take it back, then.”

_”Eren!”_

“What?!” He grumbles when Armin swats at him, turns away so he’s facing Levi, smiles softly before it turns slightly mischievous and Levi doesn’t trust that look at all. Eren doesn’t say anything either, just continues smiling and scribbling away in his journal like a man possessed.

“You doing okay?”

Levi manages to drag his gaze away from Eren for long enough to see who’s talking, distracted as he is, frowning at Farlan until the words properly sink in. “What? Why?”

“Just wondering,” Farlan says, shrugging the shoulder of the arm not currently secured around Jan. “You’ve been… Off. For a few days now.”

Levi sighs. “I know. I… Yeah. I’m s-”

“Fucking hell, man, it wasn’t that bad.” Farlan barks a laugh. “Shit, it’s like I don’t even know you anymore. Wasn’t even sure you knew that word a few months ago. Sure as hell don’t need to use it on me, I _know_ you.”

Levi kicks him in the shin. Unfortunately, he’s on Farlan’s left side, so the kick doesn’t do much except clank loudly, something Farlan finds inordinately amusing.

“I’m fine,” Levi says, glad to find it’s truer now than it would have been a few hours ago if Farlan had asked then. “Trying not to go out of my mind about tomorrow.”

“Mm, same,” Farlan hums. “I’ll have to see you lunatics off as always, go out of my mind for hours, then see which of you lucky bastards make it back. I’m just saying, if you don’t ride through that gate tomorrow evening, I’m coming out there to drag your ass back myself.”

Levi huffs what might be a laugh, he’s not sure. “Noted.”

“Keep yourself safe, yeah? And trust your fucking squad. That’s why you chose them, right?”

“...Yeah.”

“And,” Farlan adds with a knowing glint in his eyes. “That’s why you wanted to have Eren in your squad, right? Not just because you are a bastard who plays favourites-“

“Easy.”

“-You knew he’d do better under you than anyone else.” Farlan pauses. “That… came out wrong.”

Levi snorts. “Way to undercut the tone.”

“Yeah… Sorry. Anyway!” He pokes Levi’s thigh. “You know what I’m trying to say, right? He’s… Shit, man, he’s like the other side of you. I’m honestly a bit pissed I’m not going with you tomorrow. I bet you’re going to be phenomenal.”

Levi looks at him. “What?”

“Out there,” Farlan says, gesturing broadly. “In titan country. Like, you and Isabel work so well because you know each other. You taught her how to fly, for fuck’s sake. Imagine what it’ll be like for you and Eren.”

For the first time since Eren joined the scouts, Levi does. Rather than shove the thought away, he lets it come, against all his instincts he allows the possibility into his mind. And what he sees… Changes everything.

Eren, the product of over three years of hard training, fuelled by fire, vengeance, and a desire for freedom so strong it shines from his eyes. Eren, who’s learned to trust his instincts to guide him, to trust his body and his gear beyond failure. Eren, who knows Levi better than anyone, who knows the moves Levi will take before he takes them, who can counter with his own without a conscious thought to do so.

They’d move together so perfectly. A deadly dance no one could hope to match. Levi would keep him safe. Eren would do the same.

“There you go,” Farlan murmurs, clapping him on the shoulder. “It didn’t even occur to you, did it? You jumped straight ahead like always, took everything on your own damn shoulders, and didn’t even consider that you don’t need to fight alone.”

Levi opens his mouth. Closes it. He doesn’t really have a response for that, is too captivated by the image of fighting side by side with his squad, with Eren. Can it really be so easy? Can he let go of everything and trust them the way everyone keeps telling him to? He’d like to. He’d fucking love to. But he can’t just overwrite everything he is for the sake of a few minutes of peace. There’s too much at stake.

“Think on it,” Farlan murmurs, nudging his shoulder. “For your own peace of mind, if nothing else.”

“Mn…”

He’s not really sure what to say, but Farlan’s not looking for a response, not really. So Levi sits in contemplative silence, no longer dreading tomorrow, but not looking forward to it either. Or maybe it’s a strange mixture of both, so visceral they cancel each other out and force him into neutrality. He really isn’t sure.

He’s so lost in thought he doesn’t notice Eren’s scoot closer until the brat’s nudging his shoulder against Levi’s leg, far too close to be proper, but Levi really doesn’t care about that right now. He shakes himself out of his musings when Eren tilts his head back and grins up at him, cheeks flushed by alcohol and firelight alike. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Levi murmurs, fingers itching to reach out, to tangle in the messy locks Eren’s got pulled back away from his face, to tug the tie loose and dig his fingers in deep. He doesn’t, but he wants to.

“Here,” Eren says, holding his journal up to Levi so quickly he nearly smacks him in the face with it. Levi takes it with a scowl that’s more fond than frustrated and Eren winks at him, smiling all over his face.

“Eren!” Sasha calls from the fire, waving him over. “Come dance with us!”

Eren hesitates and Levi swats him on the top of the head with his own journal, nudging him in the back with his foot. “Go on. You won’t get another chance to act like drunken idiots again.”

Eren rolls his eyes but scrambles to his feet. “Let me know what you think when I get back!” He says, pointing at the journal in Levi’s hands. Then he’s gone, darting between the bonfires to join the 104th in making absolute fucking fools of themselves. Isabel and Petra head over to join them, laughter ringing loud and clear over the music.

Levi shakes his head, looks down at the journal in his hands, runs fingers over the cracks already worn into the leather. Eren loves this stupid thing, has already filled more than half of it, and since it’s been handed to him, Levi feels no guilt whatsoever in opening it to leaf through the pages.

Eren has talent, that much is obvious. Levi knew that already, has known it ever since Eren drew Kuchel for him, but his true talent lies in portraits and faces rather than landscapes and animals. At least, Levi assumes the picture he’s looking at is meant to be an animal. It looks like an amorphous grey blob that might(?) be a cat, but he’s really not sure. Other than that, all the sketches are beautiful. There’s a couple of Mikasa, Armin, Isabel, Farlan and Jan together, members of the 104th, Hanji and Moblit, they’re all in here, perfect likenesses of their friends and comrades. With every picture, the further Levi gets into the sketchbook, the better Eren’s work becomes. The care and effort he puts in is almost palpable.

Levi flicks through absently, aimlessly, pausing every so often on a picture he particularly likes. There’s one of Isabel asleep, propped up against a tree trunk, that Levi doesn’t know the date of but it’s such a sweet image Levi’s almost tempted to ask Eren for it. There are a couple more of Mikasa and Armin, who fill the majority of the pages, so far none of Levi, but he doesn’t really care about that. He’s never been particularly vain and god knows he wouldn’t be able to handle sitting still while Eren…

...Alright, so he was wrong.

The latest drawing in the sketchbook is of Levi. It’s the only one of him, but that doesn’t matter, because Levi hadn’t ever expected Eren to draw him at all. It’s very jarring to suddenly be confronted by his own face when he’s not expecting it and he can’t decide if he’s happy about it or not. He doesn’t look unhappy, in fact Eren’s made him look… Soft, gentle in a way Levi’s not used to. He’s not scowling, for one. Eren’s made him look handsome, too, which is… Generous. He looks lost in thought, but happy. Strangely so, considering Eren must have been sketching this while he was thinking on what Farlan had said.

“Oh, can I see?” Farlan asks, leaning over. Levi’s too distracted by the image to consider whether Eren will mind anyone else looking at what might be private, but it’s too late for Levi to snap the journal closed, Farlan’s already seen. “Oh.”

“What?” Levi asks, defensive on Eren’s behalf. _Not_ because he feels self-conscious about his own face, rendered in charcoal.

“Nothing!” Farlan says too quickly. “I just… Shit, the kid really loves you, huh?”

Well, consider Levi completely lost. He looks back down at the drawing. “Is this supposed to correlate somehow?”

“Well, yeah,” Farlan says. “Look at how he’s drawn you.”

“...I don’t follow?”

“You’re a fucking moron,” Farlan says, elbowing him. “That,” he says, pointing at the page, “is how _he_ sees you.” He points across the courtyard to where Eren is surrounded by his friends, laughing, moving with the music, carefree and wild.

Levi swallows. “Right.”

“You okay?”

No. Yes. Maybe. How the fuck is Levi meant to know? This was never supposed to happen. No one was ever meant to get this close, no one was ever meant to look at Levi and think that his likeness was worth sketching on a page, let alone with as much care and affection as Eren has. Levi wasn’t meant to be loved like this, he was meant to be alone. He has so much more to lose now, how is he meant to deal with that?

He closes the sketchbook. “Farlan, I’m in fucking trouble.”

“Yeah, you are,” Farlan laughs, clapping him on the back. “You’ve been screwed from day one, brother.”

He has, hasn’t he? And yet that doesn’t terrify Levi as much as it once had. He still can’t quite cope with the breadth of what he feels for that reckless idiot, but that’s okay, because apparently Levi holds Eren’s heart as securely as Eren holds his, can see the proof of it in his hands... Maybe that’s why Levi’s so disturbed by the threat of tomorrow. It doesn’t feel like they’ve had enough time. Because whether or not they survive the expedition is no longer the problem - Levi has faith in that, he has to or he’ll lose his mind - but it’s what comes after that Levi can’t trust.

They’ll either survive or they won’t. But if they do survive, what then? They trap the enemies that have set their sights on Eren? They find the colossal and the armoured? They retake wall Maria? They lose Eren to the MPs? Too many variables and Levi can’t factor in all of them, can’t fight against fucking possibilities and he can’t fucking fight against certainties either. The only thing Levi knows for definite is that tomorrow cannot be it for them. For the first time in his fucking life, he wants to know what his future will look like, as long as Eren is in it.

Oh, fucking _hell_.

That’s what his fucking problem is?! He’s been all in his head about this for _days_ because he wants a fucking future now? Fucking garden, white picket fence? Is _that_ what this is about? He’s so tense because he wants a _life_? Disgusting. Absolutely fucking disgusting. He never used to be like this, all soft fucking edges and hopefullness. This isn’t who he is, he’s a fighter, a killer, not… Whatever the hell loving Eren has turned him into.

“Oh, my god, you’re thinking so loud it’s doing my fucking head in,” Farlan groans. “ _What_ is your problem? Are you still freaking out about tomorrow? Holy hell, your fucking boyfriend can regrow limbs, stop agonizing over it.”

“I’m not,” Levi snaps, elbowing him roughly. “Do you have to be such an asshole all the goddamn time?”

“Takes one to know one-”

“Farlan,” Jan says firmly. “Leave him alone. He’s obviously under a lot of pressure at the moment, don’t be cruel.”

“Thank you, Jan. Muzzle your dog.”

Farlan opens his mouth to no doubt let Levi absolutely have it for that comment, but he’s interrupted by the others when they come stumbling over to their side of the fire, red-faced and near to hysterical with laughter. Eren flops down into a messy heap by Levi’s end of the log, grinning up at the sky for a moment before he drags his glassy gaze over to Levi, smile widening impossibly.

Levi looks at him for a long moment before dropping Eren’s journal squarely on his face. “What the hell, Jaeger? You want to tell me what the fuck this is about?”

Eren laughs even though he can’t move fast enough to stop the journal from smacking him in the face. He rolls a little clumsily, propping himself up against the log and for a moment he looks as though he’s going to try and rest his head in Levi’s lap but thankfully stops himself at the last moment, for both their sakes.

It’s so easy to forget.

“I just wanted to draw you.” Eren murmurs, low enough that his voice doesn’t carry but loud enough so that Levi can hear him over the drunken clamour of their comrades. “You look…” He glances around cautiously, but no one is paying them any attention. “I…” He swallows, offers Levi a slightly shaky smile. “I don’t know what I can say here.”

Levi understands. He shouldn’t say it, not when this is possibly the only chance they’ll get to do this, but he can’t fucking stand having Eren this close when he can’t fucking touch him. “I think I’m going to turn in for the night.”

Eren’s gaze sharpens then, the edge of something hungry creeping into his gaze. “Yeah… Sounds like a good idea, I think I might do the same.”

Well thank fuck for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, the beautiful art of Levi was done by none other than the wonderful [Grimm!](https://grimmnoir-art.tumblr.com/post/642958879228084224/levi-from-my-friend-pronetorelapses-ereririren)  
> My darling, your talent never ceases to amaze me! I am so grateful for the beautiful pieces you've drawn for this fic, you're keeping me SO well fed ily <3


	56. Chapter 56

Levi slips away from the festivities with all the skill of a man too well-trained in the art of passing among people unseen. One minute he’s at Eren’s side and the next he’s gone, blending seamlessly into shadow as though he were never there. It’s a handy trick, one Eren will never be able to pull off considering he’s never been a particularly quiet person, but luckily no one else is watching right now, too preoccupied by their own merriment to care too much about a couple of soldiers slipping away early. Farlan sees him go, though he doesn’t say a word, just offers Eren a particularly knowing wink that has Eren’s ears heating up something fierce. Other than him, though, their departure goes unnoticed, which Eren’s more than a little grateful for. It won’t be long before the section commanders - the responsible ones who aren’t currently attempting to do drunken quicksteps by the fireside - usher the soldiers to bed in preparation for tomorrow, but until then he and Levi will be safe.

The castle is blessedly quiet inside, cool stone and light breeze compared to the heat of the fires outside, and as Eren makes his way up to Levi’s quarters, the sounds of merriment fall away to little more than a faint echo in the distance. The difference is jarring, the sudden absence of firelight and laughter almost melancholy, but when Eren hears Levi’s footsteps echoing a short way ahead, his strangely erratic mood bolsters with the sort of finality that promises a perfect end to such an overwhelming evening. 

Levi’s footsteps falter oddly for a moment, pausing for a half second before picking up speed and Eren wonders at it, heartbeat quickening at the implication. He picks up his own pace, footsteps deafening in the silence around them, and when Levi’s pace speeds up even further in response, Eren can’t stop the delighted laugh that bubbles up in his throat.

Levi wants to be chased.

It’s bewildering, wonderfully so, because Levi isn’t the playful sort. Yet here he is, baiting Eren almost childishly and Eren can’t refuse an offer like that, not when he knows that if he gives in, Levi will bless him with one of those rare, pleased smiles that Eren loves so dearly.

And Levi’s fast, Eren stands no chance of outrunning him, yet still he chases and as Levi ascends the stairs to the first floor, Eren can hear the faint echo of a quiet laugh drift back down the stairwell to meet him. Eren’s own laughter answers, overjoyed by the rare display of playfulness that’s so unlike his Captain as he baits Eren into a game that’s just the two of them, ignoring the rest of the world for a few precious moments.

He slows at the door to his quarters, unlocks the door with quick fingers, and that pause gives Eren enough time to close the distance between them. Once the door is open Levi turns and Eren’s arms are around him a moment later, his momentum sending them toppling into the room in a tangle of limbs. Center of balance knocked thoroughly off, Levi’s hands fist tightly in Eren’s shirt, dragging him close so he doesn’t topple over and send them crashing to the floor in a heap.

Eren, though, is determined to get them horizontal as soon as possible, be it on the floor or the bed, and he surges forward to crash his lips to Levi’s in a kiss that’s utterly perfect in its ferocity. Levi’s back hits the bedpost with enough force to wind him and Eren’s hands are everywhere all at once, shoving his jacket down his arms, tugging at Levi’s gear straps with single-minded determination. Levi lets him, drops every layer of clothing Eren divests him of without a care, until the last straps fastened are the ones at his thighs, but that’s a step Levi isn’t going to let Eren take without some pushback.

It’s wonderfully easy for Levi to disarm Eren, really. A shift in Levi’s weight and his hands dig into the firm muscle at the backs of Eren’s thighs; he lifts so easily and turns them, throwing Eren down onto the bed with enough force to make the frame creak. Eren stares up at him, eyes wide as exhilaration sings through his blood, and he tugs off his own shirt with a speed that would be comical if Levi weren’t looking down at him so hungrily.

“Eren,” he says, setting a knee on the bed between Eren’s legs. “You need to be able to ride tomorrow. I don’t-”

“I’ll be fine,” Eren says in a rush. “Please, I want this.”

“...I wasn’t going to suggest otherwise,” Levi says, lips twitching. He reaches out, brushing fingers across Eren’s cheek, into his hair, tugging the tie loose so the wild locks fall free around his shoulders. Eren hums, leans into Levi’s touch like a cat. “I was just going to say that… You might be better off on your front this time.”

Eren’s breath catches. “Yes please,” he murmurs after a moment, desire settling heavily low in his gut. “Levi, please.”

Levi’s eyes darken wonderfully and Eren gets to watch as Levi’s remarkable self-control snaps like an overdrawn bowstring, all because of him. There’s something so enthralling about being loved by someone who cares so little for the rest of the world, something that makes Eren feel powerful, desired. Though Levi could never be called heartless, no one who knows him could ever think such a thing. He’s just selective about what he gives his heart to, who he allows to get close, and Eren will never stop being grateful that he’s allowed to have this.

More than that, Levi doesn’t just _let_ Eren close, doesn’t just begrudgingly allow Eren into his boundary. He actively goes out of his way to ensure Eren knows that he’s _welcome_ there, inside the walls Levi throws up against almost everybody else. It’s in the way he reaches out when they’re alone, takes Eren into his arms, talks to him about things he’s kept so secret for so long. There can be no higher privilege and Eren knows how lucky he is to be afforded such things.

And now Levi lets loose the full force of the desire he holds for Eren, rips the buckles from his thighs and slips out of his pants with the kind of speed that’s better suited to Eren’s particular brand of impatience. He’s welcomed onto the bed fully by Eren’s restless hands tugging him down by his shoulders, curling round the back of his neck to drag him into a kiss that Eren craves like a drug. He tastes like honey wine and soft, powdered sugar, sweet and warm, mixed with the light scent of smoke from the fire and it’s all so wonderful Eren can’t get enough of it. 

“Easy,” Levi murmurs against Eren’s lips, dragging the bottom one between his teeth in a bite that has Eren’s breath hitching. “We have time.”

They don’t, not at all, but it’s so easy to forget with Levi so close, the heat of his body scrambling Eren’s thoughts in a thousand different directions all at once. Tomorrow suddenly feels like a hundred years away and Eren couldn’t care less about what will happen, not as long as Levi’s touching him and kissing him like he’ll die if he stops.

Levi bites a trail along Eren’s jaw and Eren doesn’t know why the sharp dig and scrape of teeth is so wonderful, doesn’t much care to examine that too closely, but all he knows is that pleasure follows every press of Levi’s teeth, sharp and sweet all at once. He gasps, lets his head fall back so Levi has uninterrupted access to the full length of his throat, and arches when Levi’s lips close around his pulse point, sucking a tingling bruise into the skin there. His hand, the one not currently threading through Eren’s hair, slips into his pants, palm against his dick that’s already achingly hard between his legs and the pressure is so perfect that Eren’s left dizzy and breathless when Levi pulls his hand away far too soon. 

He’s not gone for long, though, just long enough to wrestle Eren’s pants down his legs and off, throwing them and his boots to the floor with a rough jerk of his arms. He’s back on Eren in seconds, hands in Eren’s hair again, lips dragging over his skin, and if he lets go for a second Eren’s terrified he’ll fly apart. 

It’s okay, though. It’s alright. Levi’s here with him, gratifyingly desperate and equally hard, pressing kisses into Eren’s overheated skin like he’s trying to break through, to reach Eren’s blood and pour everything he feels into Eren’s veins. 

It’s too much, it’s not enough. Eren _aches_ for him, painfully so, wants Levi inside with an intensity he can’t hardly stand. He pushes against Levi’s chest and rolls once Levi moves back enough to let him, stretching out across the bed with a soft hum as Levi’s palm follows the curve of his spine. He glances over his shoulder, grins when Levi sits back on his heels with a low groan that’s full of such longing Eren can feel it prickle along his skin. He’s about to comment on it, to throw a coy quip over his shoulder, albeit breathlessly, but Levi’s already moving, stretching over Eren’s back for the drawer in the nightstand where the oil is hidden away, and his cock drags over the back of Eren’s thighs as he moves, effectively silencing whatever Eren had been about to say.

He can’t do much else after that except part his legs with a needy whine that Levi hushes with a kiss to his left shoulder.

“Alright?”

_”Please.”_

Levi laughs, a low exhale that ghosts over Eren’s heated skin. “Not the answer I was looking for, but that works, I guess.”

Wordlessly Eren draws a knee underneath himself, arching his back to tilt his hips up, and Levi gives a low curse that’s somehow sweeter than any compliment he could offer.

“Unbelievable,” he mutters, dragging his palms over the dip in Eren’s waist. His hands don’t stop there, stroke down over the curves of Eren’s ass, fingers digging in with an almost possessive edge as he - oh, _god_ \- spreads his buttocks apart. The sensation is new, an almost indecent tugging that’s not at all unpleasant, but having that part of him on fucking display for Levi’s appraisal sends a flutter of embarrassed arousal coiling through Eren’s gut. “Fuck you for having such a nice ass.”

“Wish you would,” Eren says, as breathlessly as he’d expected.

“Mm?”

“Fuck me. Stop _teasing_ , Levi.”

Another laugh, rougher this time, deeper. “You’re lucky I’m feeling impatient,” Levi murmurs, releasing him. “I don’t think I could handle teasing you tonight.”

Thank god for that. Eren would go mad if he did.

Levi bends low over Eren’s back, then, straddling his right leg and propping himself up with a forearm by the pillow Eren currently has a deathgrip on. From here he can drop hot, open-mouth kisses along Eren’s shoulders, can press perfect aching bites into skin turned almost unbearably sensitive. His fingers, long, slender, strong, slip between Eren’s cheeks, slick with oil as he strokes the pads over puckered muscle, teasingly slow. Eren groans, turns his face into the pillow, and though he knows what’s going to happen, a frisson of tension ripples through his body as Levi begins his slow press inside.

It doesn’t hurt, Levi’s far too careful to ever cause Eren harm, uses way too much oil for that, quite frankly, but the first press inside is always so _strange_ that Eren has to tense up though he knows he shouldn’t, because if he doesn’t he’ll start laughing like an idiot. It’s always the same - he wonders if it will ever stop being so strange but doesn’t particularly mind it either way - the almost ticklish intrusion that prickles all the way up his spine. He sinks his teeth into the pillow to muffle the hitching laugh that wants to escape, works on loosening the tension in his body inch by inch.

Levi rewards his efforts with a soft bite to the shoulder that he soothes with a warm pass of his tongue. Eren all but purrs at the attention, tilting his hips further up, bowing his back so Levi can press deeper.

“Good boy,” Levi murmurs and Eren’s insides _throb_. He doesn’t know why, doesn’t even know how to ask for Levi to do more of that, but Levi’s nothing if not observant, must surely know that Eren responds positively - embarrassingly so - to such praise.

He curls his finger as he withdraws, tugging a hitching whine out of Eren’s throat. He’s kind, though, knows Eren can’t take teasing tonight, and slips the finger back inside almost impatiently though as always with the kind of care that makes Eren feel treasured. He tugs Eren’s right leg further apart from the left by curling his own around it, presses in deep enough to make Eren gasp before he begins to add a second finger alongside the first. It’s rhythmic, almost soothing, the way he prepares Eren, with the same kind of focus he affords almost everything else in his life, but with the kind of care he only ever shows Eren. Before he’s got a third finger inside him, Eren’s burning so hot inside that he’s dizzy with it, panting softly against the ache that only seems to intensify the longer Levi waits to enter him properly. 

“Levi,” he gasps, lifting his head from the pillow. “Levi, _please…”_

“I know,” Levi murmurs, voice gratifyingly rough. His fingers slip free and Eren can’t bear the emptiness even though he knows in a few moments it will be worth it. Levi shifts against his back, slips between Eren’s legs properly this time, the curve of his hips warm against Eren’s ass. He’s so hard Eren wonders how he can stand it, doesn’t get the chance to ask and doesn’t particularly care enough to voice the question, because then Levi’s cock is pressing against his loosened, slick entrance and all the breath in Eren’s lungs is forced out by the most perfect sense of fullness he’s ever known. 

A groan rips through Levi’s teeth as he eases in, tight, controlled, and Eren moans breathlessly with no such reservation, tilts his hips up impatiently to urge Levi in faster. Levi sinks in _deep_ , hands tight around Eren’s waist as though he’s trying to ground himself, which is fine, wonderful, his grip is always so perfectly tight and Eren wants him to hold even tighter, to leave bruises in Eren’s skin that even his titan healing can’t chase away. He won’t though, he won’t ever do that, not even unless Eren begs him which one of these days he really fucking might. 

“God, _Levi…_ ”

Levi’s next exhale is unsteady and he lowers down, rests his forehead between Eren’s shoulder blades, breaths coming quick and warm against Eren’s spine. He stays like that for a moment, maybe an eternity, Eren isn’t sure, but when he moves again it isn’t to pull out like Eren’s expecting. Instead he rocks forward, grinds his hips down into Eren’s, pushes _deeper_ , drags against Eren’s insides in a way that has him panting into the sheets. 

“ _Haah—_ Again— Like that, again, _please._ ”

Levi does, chest pressed against Eren’s back like it hurts him to have any distance between them, rocks his hips in a hard, deep grind that rips a groan right out of Eren’s lungs. He’s panting, breathless and dizzy with want, full and achingly hard, but each roll of Levi’s hips presses Eren’s cock into the bedding, sending pleasure rocketing through his gut, crackling up his spine. It’s the most perfect ache, full and heavy like a burn so rich Eren can barely breathe through it. And all through it Levi stays close, panting softly against Eren’s skin. 

“Can—“ He breaks off, groans roughly and sinks his teeth into Eren’s shoulder. Another roll and Eren whines, twisting his fingers into the sheets tangled beneath him. Once more he soothes the aching bite with a warm pass of his tongue, kissing the tender skin. “Can I— Harder?”

If words are hard for Levi, there’s no fucking hope for Eren. And the soft, unsteady request in Levi’s low voice, so rough with desire, makes Eren’s body _burn_. All he can do is nod, gasp through the pleasure sweeping through his body in heavy, aching waves. 

Levi settles heavily on arms braced by Eren’s ribs, spreads his legs wider, tangling them with Eren’s as he finally withdraws - only slightly - and rocks his hips forward with enough force to send Eren jolting into the bed. The snap of pleasure that follows the rough movement is intense enough to hurt, a sharp stab of pleasure that tears a cry from Eren’s throat that burns on the way out. 

“Yes— _Yes!_ ” It’s too much, it’s exactly what he fucking wants, for Levi to let go, to give him _everything_.

Levi gasps, a low stutter that’s rough and involuntary, slips an arm beneath Eren’s chest to pull him back tighter against his body. Eren hears his name on a groan that leaves him throbbing with a desire that has nowhere left to go, can’t do anything other than pant breathlessly and arch back into Levi’s touch almost desperately. They're as close as it’s possible to be and Eren still wants more, begs for it, for Levi to hold him tighter; keens almost deliriously when he does. 

_“Eren.”_ Levi’s teeth find his shoulder once more, sink in deep enough to steam and Eren sobs at the pleasure of it, at the winding of that shivering coil of pleasure tighter in Eren’s gut. He gasps, groans into Eren’s skin and his hips snap forward in a rhythm that’s driving both breath and coherency out of Eren’s body. 

Eren can’t hold on, doesn’t want to, arches in a perfect curve as the pressure snaps and releases, burning through his body in wave after wave. Above him Levi shudders, gasps out a moan Eren can feel stuttering in his own lungs and his release is a flood that has Eren crying out, burying his face into the pillow with a shudder.

Carefully, Levi lets him go, kissing softly over the deep groves left in his shoulder by his teeth. Even more carefully he pulls out, soothing Eren’s low whine with another kiss before rolling, collapsing onto the bed with enough force to creak the frame. Eren can't move, can't roll to follow because his limbs won’t obey him, so he just throws an arm clumsily over Levi’s waist and hopes that will be enough to keep him there. 

It’s not. A moment later Levi leaves the bed, dislodging Eren’s arm with laughable ease. Eren grumbles his displeasure about it, but Levi’s not gone long, just long enough to fetch a cloth and wet it, then he’s climbing back onto the bed and running the damp cloth over Eren’s skin, between his legs, in slow, gentle sweeps.

“You’re sleeping in the wet patch,” Levi tells him, voice low and rough. 

“‘s your fault.”

“Hardly.”

“Is.”

Levi huffs, swats his shoulder with the cloth. “You want to sleep on the floor instead? You’re more than welcome to go back to your own room—“

Eren rolls and, for the record, it takes everything in him to be able to manage even that much, drags his pleasantly sore body over to Levi’s side of the bed and drapes himself over as much of Levi’s body as he can. Levi grumbles the entire time, but his arms loop round Eren’s waist to hold him firm even though he can’t be comfortable, but a quick shuffle and he’s settling down, Eren loose-limbed and pliant against his chest. 

Eren hums happily, tilts his head up, and Levi’s eyes are heavy lidded, so hazy with a satisfied sort of exhaustion that Eren can’t resist nudging in close and stealing a kiss that’s so achingly soft his eyes burn. Levi hums, tugs Eren impossibly closer, and Eren goes willingly, curling around the steady anchor of Levi’s body. 

“...Tomorrow,” Levi murmurs and Eren stiffens before he can stop himself. Levi pauses, takes a few moments to coax the involuntary tension from Eren’s body with gentle strokes of his palm over his back. “Eren,” he begins again, voice so low it’s almost a growl. “Stay close, okay? No matter what happens. You stay with me.”

“Always,” Eren tells him, hating how unsteady his voice sounds. “You, too, though. No stupid risks, alright? Don’t show off.”

Levi pinches him for that, right on the soft skin at Eren’s back, just below the curve of his hip. Eren gives a wounded sound, makes to roll away, but Levi holds him firm. Not like Eren particularly wants to move anyway, but it’s the principle of the thing. 

“It’s going to be okay,” Levi murmurs, eyes sliding closed. “It’s just a day. Just one day. We’ll make it through.”

Eren lifts his head but Levi’s eyes stay stubbornly closed. “Are you really that worried?”

“...Not as much as I was.”

“That’s good, isn’t it?”

“Suppose so.” Levi cracks an eye open. “You?”

Eren gives the question the consideration it’s due. “I’m okay,” he says, pleased at how true it is. “At least, I am right now. Maybe I won’t be in the morning, maybe I will be. Won’t know for sure until we ride out, but…” He shrugs. “There isn’t really another option, is there?”

Levi gives him an odd look. “You telling me you want to run? Because fuck it, I’ll do it. I reckon if you sprinted we could clear out before anyone stopped being shocked enough by a speeding titan to follow.”

Eren laughs. “No, that’s not what I meant.”

“Mm. Shame.” As if Levi would ever run. He’s like Eren that way, head on at all times, never shying away and never backing down. It’s a wonder they get anything done or can ever manage to agree when they’re both so headstrong. 

“No, I meant…” Eren ducks his head. “Well, eventually I’m going to need to try and convince you to retire, right? Since you said you aren’t the type of person to do it. But I think we could manage it between us.”

Levi’s quiet for a long moment and Eren can’t quite manage to meet his gaze, even though it’s burning holes in the side of his face. “Retirement,” Levi says after a horrifically long pause. “With you?”

“I mean… Yeah?” Why can Eren get fucked through the goddamn mattress just fine, but talking about his fucking future of all things is what makes his face burn? How does that work? “If you wanted… I just thought, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad? If it was you and me.”

Levi’s grip tightens on Eren’s waist, but only for a moment. When he next speaks, his voice is deceptively even, calm, soft. “Had that on your mind for long?”

“Not really. Seemed a bit too much like tempting fate, you know? Hoping for the future when we… Well, when we’re scouts. That, and I suppose I’m technically classed as a public enemy. No guarantee the MPs will even let me… Well.”

Levi’s chest dips beneath him as he snorts a laugh. “I wouldn’t give too many shits about that, Eren. Depending on how tomorrow goes, it’s highly likely they’ll have bigger problems than you to worry about.”

“Yeah, maybe…” A problem, as always, for later. “So? How about it? Seafront property?”

Levi hesitates and Eren knows him well enough not to take that as a refusal. When he can finally manage to meet Levi’s gaze, he’s not met with denial, but a sense of indecision that Levi can’t seem to find the words to voice. It’s fine, Eren can be patient when it comes to Levi, has to be, because Levi struggles with words a lot of the time and when he goes quiet like this it’s because he’s desperately trying to find the right thing to say. 

“...I don’t know if I can do it,” Levi finally says. Eren hums, accepts that, because even he doesn’t know if he could handle a quiet life, not after everything they’ve seen and have yet to see. “Not that I don’t… I just don’t know if I can do quiet.”

“Yeah, me neither.”

“I’d… I’d try, though,” Levi murmurs. “For you. I’ll try.”

“Maybe you won’t have to,” Eren offers and Levi’s expression dips into an angry frown so fast it’s like his entire face has cracked in half. “Oh, calm down, I don’t mean it like that. I’m just saying, maybe we’ll have more shit to do, like mapping out the world we lost, reclaiming the land that got taken. Maybe once the titans are gone, we can go out there, explore until we’re too old to use the gear. _Then_ maybe we can handle settling down.”

Levi’s eyes widen. “...I didn’t think of that.”

“No, me neither. Not until the other day, anyway. Armin used to have this book, had all these things about the outside world, about the sea and these… fields of ice and fire, mountains so tall they break through the clouds. And I’ve never forgotten it. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve wanted to see all of it. And I bet it would be even better if you were with me. Also, don’t mention the book, yeah? It’s like… horrifically illegal to own stuff like that, you know?”

More than Eren wants to see the sea, more than he wants to see the wonders of Armin’s book with his own eyes, Eren now knows exactly what it is he wants from this life. To leave the walls behind, to escape the blinkered life they’ve been forced to live for over a century now, he wants to see the world and he wants to do that side by side with Levi. If he’ll come. 

“Shit, kid,” Levi says, glancing at the ceiling. His earlobes are burning red. “That sounds like a pretty hefty promise.”

Eren grins. “The world, yeah? That good enough? I mean, I haven’t got shit to my name but I’ll give you the world if you want it.” Almost shyly, he adds, “I mean, if you’re down for long term, anyway.”

Levi pinches him. _Again_. And he’s not gentle about it either. “Eren, I know it’s your default state, but can you at least _try_ not to be so fucking stupid?”

“Okay, rude—“

“The fuck is wrong with you? Fuck sake, Eren, you should know by now.”

“Know _what?”_

Levi stares at him pointedly, silver-blue gaze intense. “It’s you and me, Eren. Until you see sense, at least.”

Only Levi can insult Eren so thoroughly while meaning the exact opposite. He’s so fucking abrasive, so unflinchingly rude and Eren wouldn’t have him any other way. “Tomorrow might be a shitstorm.”

“Fuck it. We’ll get through it.”

“Might have to face down the colossal titan.”

“Fine, I’m ready.”

“And the armoured.”

“Watch me crack his armor like a nut, do I give a shit?”

Eren snorts, tucks his face against Levi’s chest. “Might have to face down the MPs.”

“I’d like to see a single one of them go toe to toe with you. Both in your titan form and outside of it. Whatever comes, we’ll face it. Together, or not at all, right? Works for everything, not just sex.”

Eren’s heart throbs. “I love you.”

“Yeah.” Levi’s arms tighten around his waist. “Me, too. It’s going to be okay. It has to be.”

“It will be,” Eren promises. “Maybe not right away, but it will be. Helps to have something to fight for, right?”

“Right.”

“Fate of humanity a worthy enough cause, you think?”

“You know, I think pillow talk is supposed to be different. Not that I have much in the way of reference, but my point stands.”

Grinning, Eren leans up, digs his teeth playfully into the curve of Levi’s collarbone and delights in the soft stutter of breath that follows. “Want to try again? Maybe we’ll get it right next time.”

“You have to ride tomorrow.”

“Titan healing.”

“...Alright. But I swear to god, Eren, if you complain-“

“I won’t! Scout’s honour.”


	57. Chapter 57

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOF, sorry for the delay. I got stuck on a transitional sentence for like. Three days. Brain hurty. But I'm back now, hello!
> 
> BUT ALSO, CHAPTER 57 IS THE 57th SCOUTING MISSION AND I AM RIDING THAT HIGH FOREVER. 
> 
> In a couple weeks, I hope to be finished with this part of the story and I'm already working on the sequel, however I will be taking a week off from working on this story before I publish the first chapter of the second part, but not because I'm not going to be writing, just because I have a week off work coming up and I have SO MANY AUs I WANT TO WRITE. (I literally booked annual leave so I could have an uninterrupted week of writing, that's how bad this has gotten asdfghjk.) 
> 
> It's been killing me, just focusing on one story, normally I have like 50 wips at any given moment because I have no fucking self control, but I've just been too into this story to focus on anything else.
> 
> TLDR; in about 2 weeks I'll be taking a week off to bash out some AUs because I'm completely fucking feral for these two. Once I've gotten the AUs out of my system, I'll be back with the sequel and it's gonna be a DOOZY.
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me! Love you!

Levi stirs when Eren finally gives up on pretending to sleep, and though he cracks an eye open he doesn’t move or give any indication that Eren’s restlessness has been noticed. The kid’s probably out of sorts enough as it is without Levi giving him the third degree. Besides, this is a private moment, probably. Eren just needs a few minutes to figure out what the hell his head is doing, before the rest of the castle wakes up and the day properly begins.

At least Levi can look freely. One very small bonus of growing up around darkness is that Levi’s keen senses aren’t dulled in the slightest by the absence of light, even in the faint, pre-dawn hours that bathe everything in dim lilac shadow. At such an early hour there’s no chance of Eren being able to see that Levi’s awake, so Levi can watch as freely as he pleases while Eren moves to the window and tugs the drapes apart ever so slightly. It doesn’t brighten the room at all, it’s far too early for that, but the view must do something for Eren’s peace of mind, because he sighs softly and his shoulders relax ever so slightly.

He doesn’t look nervous. He doesn’t look much of anything, honestly. Thoughtful, maybe, but he doesn’t look scared, which Levi wasn’t really expecting but stranger things have happened. It wouldn’t be unreasonable for Eren to be dreading what the day will bring, Levi sure as fuck is, but then Eren’s always been the stronger of both of them. Where it counts, anyway.

Yeah, no. Levi thought he could lie here quietly and observe, but he absolutely has to know what’s going on in Eren’s head right now and the only way he’s going to find out is if he asks. He makes a show of “waking up”, grunting softly and stretching out as though coming round from a deep sleep, sees Eren’s head turn in his direction, eyes almost silver in the darkness.

“And you say _I_ can’t feign sleep worth a damn,” Eren murmurs. “That was so bad, Levi.”

“Yeah? Where did I lose you?” He swings his legs round, setting his feet gingerly on the cold floor and arching his spine to work out the stiffness of sleep from his muscles.

“It was too slow,” Eren tells him. “You always wake up instantly, it’s kind of freaky.”

“Ah, damn. Well, whatever. You been awake long?”

Eren hesitates for a long moment. “Yeah,” he admits. “Not horrifically long, but… Maybe an hour?”

“Grim. Tired?”

“Not really.” He doesn’t sound it, either, which is a fucking mercy, honestly. The worst thing that Eren can be right now is tired. Scared, fine, terrified, whatever. But if he were tired, today would be a fucking shit show from start to finish. “I think… You know, I think I’m okay.”

“Yeah? You sound surprised. What were you expecting?”

“I don’t know.” He shrugs, tugs the blinds a little wider apart, for all the good it does. Out of courtesy for Eren’s shitty above-ground eyes, Levi lights the lantern on the nightstand before getting to his feet and heading for the hearth. “I think I was expecting to be scared. I don’t think I am.”

“No?”

“No. I’m… Uncertain. But that’s not the same as being scared, is it?”

Levi strikes the spark rocks he keeps by the hearth, kneels down to try and get a halfway decent fire going so he can brew a pot of tea before the day smacks them both in the face. “Not unless you let it be. Uncertainty’s easier to handle than fear. Makes you cautious. Fear just makes you stupid.”

Eren laughs softly. “Yeah, that’s true... Were you scared?”

“Before my first expedition?”

“Yeah.”

“Fuck no.”

Eren snorts. “Yeah, I don’t know why I asked-”

“Was fucking terrified for my second, though.”

Eren pauses then, surprised. “Really?”

Levi doesn’t mind admitting that as much as he thought he would. Probably something to do with the present company. Whatever. “Because I knew what to expect. Makes it worse when you know what titans can do. That and I was terrified what happened to Farlan would happen to Isabel. Or worse. But so far that brat’s been luckier than you.” That’s not really fair to Isabel. She’s a skilled soldier in her own right, the gear’s in her blood, but still Levi worries. He always will.

“So I should probably be a lot more terrified than I am, then?”

“If you want to be useless, yeah,” Levi says, poking the fire that stubbornly doesn’t want to catch. “I wouldn’t overthink it, if I were you. Just accept the fact that you’re not shitting yourself and focus on keeping yourself alive out there. Because I swear to god, Eren, if I have to drag your sorry ass out of a titan’s mouth, I’m going to be so pissed.”

“Do you just forget that I can turn into one?”

“Honestly? Yeah. It’s like object permanence or some shit. Unless your titan is literally dribbling on me, I tend not to think about it.”

“Right. Well, thanks for the pep talk, Captain.”

Levi grunts, sitting back when the fire finally catches and flames begin to lick at the kindling. Eren’s there a moment later, passing Levi the almost-depleted packet of silver needle. Once today is over, Levi’s going to drag Eren into Calaneth whether Erwin likes it or not. The kid deserves to cut loose for a bit, especially if today goes as badly as Levi’s expecting it to.

“You know it’s going to be different out there, right?” Levi says, rubbing a thumb over the worn label on the packet. “Captain first. Captain _only_.”

“Yeah,” Eren says softly. “I trust you. And I trust the Levi squad, too. I just… I’m worried about the others.”

“You’d be wrong in the head if you weren’t. But you’ve got to trust them, too. Mikasa’ll be fine and Armin’s too smart for his own good. Worry all you want, but _don’t_ let it distract you.”

“I won’t,” Eren promises.

“Good. Now go shower before everyone’s awake. I want to get at least _some_ hot water before the entire castle decides to ruin my fucking morning.”

Eren obeys, showering and shaving quick as anything, darting back to his room once he’s clean for his gear harness while Levi takes his turn in the washroom. By the time they’re both done and mostly dressed, they have enough time for a cup of silver needle and a few short minutes of silence in each other’s company before the rest of the castle wakes up, and if Levi’s fingers seek out Eren’s between them and hold on a little too tightly, that’s nobody’s business but his own.

Then dawn breaks with the force of an explosion, the entire castle rising in unison and ripping into a flurry of activity that would leave Levi horrifically dizzy if he wasn’t so used to it by now. The only difference now is that he’s got the fancy title that Erwin saw fit to thrust on him, which means instead of waiting by Lark, impatient for the expedition to begin, he’s got to oversee the supply wagons, get them into formation for the ride to Calaneth.

Worse, the moment he and Eren enter the courtyard, that’s pretty much the last they’ll see of each other until they join the formation proper, and as much as Levi had warned Eren against being distracted, he can’t even follow his own advice. All the orders he gives come out louder and sharper than intended, but thankfully nobody seems to give much of a shit and he’s obeyed without question. That part of his Captaincy he could get used to. The other stuff… Not so much, but whatever.

The entire castle is alive and moving as one, a sea of purpose and planning, and Eren doesn’t seem to know what to do with himself, doesn’t know where to turn. Levi’s not much help to him right now, off barking orders left and right with the kind of grim expression that promises a harsh reprisal if he’s disobeyed. But no one dares. Thankfully he spies Farlan making a beeline for Eren before the kid can work himself into a frantic sort of fit, so Levi can redirect his fractured concentration for a few minutes, at least.

At least the new recruits are efficient. They’re saddled, geared up, and ready to move out in half the time it takes the veterans to stop pissing about like _they’re_ the reluctant teenagers, and Levi suspects that there are quite a few hangovers to blame for that. He’d expected as much, and at least they have the hour’s ride to Calaneth to get themselves sorted before they have to ride out into titan country.

Erwin oversees all the preparations with his customary intense expression, only catching Levi’s eye once to nod solemnly and fuck knows what that’s supposed to mean but he looks pleased as punch when Levi nods back so he must be doing something right. Hanji’s a fucking lost cause as always, shrieking excitably from the back of their horse while Moblit looks like he can’t decide whether to cry or shove them off their horse. Levi’s sort of hoping he’ll do the latter.

He spots Mikasa and Armin, nods to them in silent greeting and the look that Mikasa gives him speaks volumes, even across the courtyard. This, at least, Levi can interpret. He nods, only once, a slow dip of his head, and Mikasa, though she doesn’t look thrilled, is at least appeased by the silent promise that Levi will keep Eren safe in her absence.

As if he could do anything else.

“Isabel, your straps are loose,” Petra says as she guides her horse over to them.

Isabel just groans, absently flicks her buckle open on her thigh to tighten it. “It’s not my fau-” She breaks off into a yawn so wide Levi’s concerned for the integrity of her jaw. “-My fault. I lost my good harness the other day, this one’s a spare.”

Levi frowns. “You lost your gear?”

“No. Well, yes. But also no. It just wasn’t where I last had it.”

“That’s the literal definition of “lost”, moron.”

Isabel pokes her tongue out. “Shut up. It’s fine, this set’s good enough. Just a little loose on the thigh if I don’t tighten it.”

“That’s not going to hinder you, is it?”

“Hell nah. I’ll be fine, bro, don’t you worry.”

Nothing much to be done about it now, but if they’re lucky and Erwin’s scouting formation holds, they won’t ever have to engage. Not if the right and left wing spotters do their damn jobs, anyway. But that’s not taking into account the possibility that whoever is after Eren isn’t going to make an appearance right out the damn gate.

Well, no matter. If they do, Levi’s perfectly happy to engage with _extreme_ fucking prejudice. None of Erwin’s idealistic “capture and retrieve” bullshit, if Levi gets the opportunity, he’s going in for the kill, potential knowledge be damned.

He hauls himself into Lark’s saddle then, just as Farlan and Eren head over, Horse prancing excitedly beside his rider. Farlan’s smiling though his eyes are tight, but Eren doesn’t look any more freaked out than he had this morning, which is a fucking mercy. He looks surprisingly calm, though Levi doesn’t know how long that’s going to last. To Calaneth, if they’re lucky. But once they’re outside the gate… Well, they’ll just have to wait and see.

It’s not Levi’s preferred method of encountering problems, but whatever. He’s pretty good at improvising when he needs to be.

“Right, you two,” Farlan says, punching Levi lightly in the thigh. “You know the drill; no unnecessary risks, no getting any limbs bitten off, and whoever kills the most titans gets extra rations for a week.”

“One of these days I’ll win,” Isabel mutters. “Be good while we’re gone, okay?”

“Hah! Not a chance. I’m going to have some fucking peace and quiet for once, I’m going to fucking sleep. Don’t be too loud when you get back, alright? I’ll leave the lights on for you but don’t be out too late.”

Isabel grins. “We won’t. Love you.”

“Love you, too.” Farlan turns. “That goes for you, too, Eren. No stupid risks, alright? You just focus on coming back in one piece.”

“Yes, Farlan,” Eren says, grinning. “No loss of limb, got it.”

“Smart kid. Good luck, be safe, kick some ass.” He raises a fist and Levi knocks his own against it. “Bring me back a souvenir!”

Bidding Farlan goodbye is the easiest part of the whole thing. One less person for Levi to watch out for, one person who won’t be joining them on their fucking suicide run. And as much as Farlan hates to see them go and part of him wishes he could be joining them, Levi knows and doesn’t begrudge the fact that the larger part of Farlan is grateful he doesn’t have to ride out with them. He’s given more of himself than any of them - literally - no matter that he only ran the one mission.

And now it’s Eren’s turn to offer up his fucking heart. With any luck, Levi can intervene before it turns ugly.

With any fucking luck. God, _please_ let them be lucky.

* * *

The scouts pour out through Calaneth’s gate like water from a burst dam, streaming out into titan country in droves. They’ll remain in formation through the ruined city’s limits and break away once they’ve passed it, riding out into Erwin’s beloved long-distance scouting formation. So far, it’s all going pretty normally, the support squad breaking away once the first of the buildings are in reach, gear hooks flying as they release and mow down the titans skulking around the ruined structures.

“Eyes forward,” Levi reminds his squad, though his palms itch for his own blades. He could down all four of the bastards and be back in his saddle before they clear the city limits, but he has his orders and he’s not to engage unless absolutely necessary. Judging by the grim set to Petra and Isabel’s faces when he glances back, they’re thinking the same thing.

Luckily, though, the support squad are skilled, even if they’re not as fast as Levi would like. By the time their formation breaks out onto the open plains of wall Maria’s abandoned countryside, the titans’ corpses are steaming and there’s nothing stopping their ranks from splitting.

Erwin gives the signal and seamlessly the left and right wings peel away, banking hard and separating from the formation into the contingents that will save the lives of the center rank if Erwin’s scouting formation holds. So far, Levi’s had no cause to doubt their illustrious Commander’s genius formation, but he’s not naive enough to assume safety just because they’ve implemented something that gets less of them killed than normal. He’s seen too many comrades die to trust blindly like that.

He can’t really pay much attention to the splitting of their ranks, either. He’s too on edge, and though the edge of uncertainty and tension is making him watchful, cautious, all he can focus on is the fact that Eren’s right behind him, out in titan country where Levi never wanted him to be, with what might as well be a fucking target painted on his back. He’s the bait, after all, the focal point for their enemies, and until Levi knows exactly who and what they’re fighting against, he’s not going to be able to rest easy, even if today doesn’t end with a sea of casualties.

But as much as he is their bait, Eren is also their gambit now and he’s fully prepared to shift if he needs to, in defense of his comrades the way he wants and it’s not what Levi had meant when he’d told Eren to trust his gut and shift, but he’ll take it. As long as Eren knows he’s free to act as he thinks is necessary, Levi can trust himself to act as a counterpoint to keep Eren safe. He knows he can, too. There’s a certainty inside him that wasn’t there before. He knows if Eren calls on his titan now, it will burst from him at once, and the rest of his squad will be right beside him, ready to defend and attack as necessary.

“Do you think they’ll be okay?” He hears Eren call to Isabel as the formation divides. He doesn’t look round fully, but a glance to his right reveals Armin following the right wing to fall into position at the rear of the guard. Levi’s not a religious man by any stretch of the imagination, but he still offers up a silent plea that luck follows their quiet, kindly friend.

“They’ve trained for this,” Isabel calls back. “Trust them, Eren.”

“Worry about your own neck,” Eld yells at him. “And keep your eyes forward, newbie! Just because this is new to you doesn’t mean you can slack off!”

If Eld were in reach, Levi might have actually cuffed him for that remark. Not just because Eren’s probably the most dedicated out of all of them, but because for the first time in over five years, Eren’s closer to his home than he has been since he was forced out of it as a kid. The last time Eren traversed this route, it was in the opposite fucking direction, fleeing for his life along with all the other survivors from Shiganshina. Kid’s probably going insane inside his own head about it, but there’s not a lot Levi can do for him now.

“All of you shut up and focus,” Levi barks. “We’re not on a daytrip here and if one of you ends up titan chow because you were too distracted shooting the shit to draw your swords, I’m not saving your asses.”

“Yes, Captain!” They chorus at him. Levi rolls his eyes and curses Erwin to hell and back.

“Bit strange though, isn’t it?” Isabel says not five minutes later, physically incapable of staying silent for any longer. Credit where credit’s due, though, that’s a record for her.

“What is?” Eren asks. Levi glances back, meeting Isabel’s suspicious gaze with a raised eyebrow.

“I was expecting something… I don’t know, impressive,” Isabel says. “Like a full-on titan attack right out the gate. Not four eight meters and fuck all else.”

Levi had been expecting the same, honestly. Judging by the way Erwin had been acting, it was as though he was expecting the armored titan itself to be hot on their tail the moment they left the gate. Something isn’t sitting right, but there’s not a lot Levi can do right now. Not until they reach the forest anyway.

Because that’s where they’re going, not that Eren or the others have any idea. Erwin’s kept _that_ particular morsel of knowledge pretty fucking close to his chest. Obviously Levi understands why, they don’t know who they can trust among their comrades, and the only reason Levi’s been willing to go along with as little pushback as he has is because he can’t abide traitors in the fucking slightest. No one can - not if they’re smart - but Levi’s never trusted easily anyway, so he’s always taken to carving out his displeasure at being double crossed into the skin of whoever tried to stab him in the back.

This time he’s even less likely to leave them alive. Not when it’s Eren they’re after. The time for reasoning is out. Whoever it is that wants Eren for whatever reason better fucking hope that Erwin gets to them before Levi does. He’s not in the mood to play interrogator. Not unless there’s a hell of a lot of screaming involved.

“It’s too quiet,” Petra says in response to Isabel’s earlier comment, drawing Levi out of his particularly dark musings. “I agree. I don’t know what I was expecting but it wasn’t this.”

“Isn’t no titans a good thing?” Eren asks. “Means the scouting formation is working, right?”

“For now,” Gunther says, grimly. “But is it working, or have the spotters been wiped out before they can alert the rest of us?”

“I fucking hope not!” Eren barks furiously. “My _friends_ are-”

“Eren,” Levi says. “Eyes forward, I won’t tell you again. Keep your head. I know you have a brain in there, fucking use it. Losing your cool out here will get you killed, _don’t_ agonise over possibilities. All that matters is here and now.”

“I…” Eren makes an angry sound low in his throat and Levi doesn’t have to look to know the kid is scowling, but he doesn’t argue. The “yes, Captain,” that Levi hears in response is decidedly less respectful than Levi would like, but he won’t hold it against Eren. Not now.

Not ten minutes later, a streak of green tears into the sky and Levi watches the answering pillars arc up after it as the spotters relay the message with a grim sense of foreboding in his gut. “Oruo,” Levi calls and a moment later Oruo is firing a smoke signal. It takes a minute or so, but then Levi is guiding them in a gentle leftward curve, altering their course to account for the titans now engaging the right wing.

Who was in the right wing again? Armin, of course. The hungry girl and the idiot? Friends of Eren’s from his cadet years because the kid’s a fucking soft heart and befriends nearly everyone he meets. It leaves him open to more grief than the rest of them, but how can Levi tell him _not_ to care? That’s not who Eren is and Levi would never try to change him, even if it would spare him a shitload of hurt in the long run.

“This is fucking boring!” Isabel cries not half an hour into their breakneck pace. “I fucking hate being in the center rank!”

“Shut your face!” Levi yells back at her. “Or I’ll send you up alone against the first titan we see!” It’s a fucking empty threat, but they’re riding too fast for Levi to slow their formation just so he can smack her round the head.

“I wish you would!” Isabel shoots back. “At least on the edges we’d see some fucking action. You saw the smoke go up in the right wing, those fuckers got titans right out the gate!”

It’s jarring. It’s so wrong. They’re past the gate, have been for a while now, and all any of them can see are wild, overgrown plains and smoke heralding titans seen by their comrades. Levi doesn’t know why he’s so uneasy about _not_ being attacked, but something doesn’t feel right here. Eren’s supposed to be the target, right? So where’s the hunter?

“Don’t wish for things like that,” Petra chides her partner, bringing her horse closer to Eren’s so she doesn’t have to shout so loud to be heard over the thunder of their horses’ hooves. “The right wing could be fighting for their lives right now, probably are.” Eren makes a pained noise. “I’m sorry, Eren, but it was always going to be a battle. You knew that.”

“I know,” Eren grumbles. “Doesn’t make it any easier, though. I want to be fighting with them.”

“I know,” Petra says, somehow managing to sound soothing over her horse’s breakneck pace. “But we have our orders.”

“More green flares,” Oruo says, quick as always, and fires off another round of his own. Levi glances right, notes the newest pillars of smoke already rising above the trees and signals them all to bank left and alter their course once more. Green is good, green means the formation is holding. Red smoke and Levi would be concerned, but for now, they’re as safe as it’s possible to be in titan country.

“Captain!”

Levi stiffens, glancing round towards the sound of a voice not belonging to one of his squad. One of the rear guard soldiers is galloping towards them looking sweaty and frantic, but Levi can’t slow their pace for one messenger.

“Report, soldier.”

“An oral message!” The scout gasps. “The right wing spotters have been wiped out! The early warning system has been compromised! One of you will need to relay the message down!”

Levi straightens in the saddle, cranes his head back to look over the soldier’s shoulder. Black smoke. Shit. “Petra, go.”

“Sir!” She veers off, speeding away toward the contingent nearest to their left side.

“Eren, the signal.”

“Levi,” Eren says, sounding pained. “Armin’s-”

“The _signal_ , soldier.”

Eren falls silent. A moment later a shot is fired from his flare gun and black smoke arcs above them.

“That wasn’t where Armin was positioned,” Isabel says in a rush. “He wasn’t with the outliers. He may be fine, don’t lose your head, Eren. Don’t panic, it’s alright. We still have the left wing and the rear guard.”

“Right,” Eren says after a beat. “Thanks, Isa.”

It’s a fucking disgrace. What good is the scouting formation if the bastards can get this close without being noticed? That signal wasn’t even fifty meters away, that’s far too fucking close for an abnormal to get to them before being intercepted.

Which means it’s already begun. Whoever it is that’s after Eren, they’ve made their move.

“There’s going to be a hell of a shitstorm for this,” Eld mutters, cursing viciously. “They’ll want to know why Erwin hasn’t ordered a retreat. If we’ve lost the entire right wing.”

“Then let’s hope we can give them a good fucking answer,” Levi replies tersely. “Because fuck knows if we end this mission with nothing to show for it, Erwin’s going to have a lot more than a fucking mutiny on his hands.”

“Fuck sake,” Isabel mutters. “We should be over there.”

“Your job is to keep Eren safe,” Levi barks. “Quit your whining. You’ll get to fight soon enough.”

Eren takes note of that, because of course he does. “We will?”

“There’s no way this doesn’t go to shit,” Levi says grimly. “Can’t you feel it?”

“What-”

“It’s too quiet,” Gunther says solemnly. “Petra was right, it’s never this quiet. The titans swarm around the gates, it’s what they do, why we have the districts jutting out from the walls. The titans swarm to where humans are most concentrated and every time we leave the gates we encounter them. Something’s off here.”

“So… The fact that there were no titans around…”

“Means they were drawn to the right wing,” Levi finishes. “Which is exactly where you were meant to be.”

“But some of them thought I was in the left wing, too.”

“Exactly,” Oruo says. “Feed different information to different groups and we can ferret out the traitors that way. Whoever thought you were in the right wing is now a prime suspect.”

Armin was right from the beginning, the crafty little shit. The misinformation they spread about Eren’s whereabouts reached the ears it was intended for but that also means that the right wing was effectively sacrificed, all for Erwin’s ploy to succeed. And that’s not something Levi is just going to let him forget, no matter what they get out of this mission. How many of their scouts have the titans ripped through looking for Eren? How many are dead because he needs to be safe?

“Sir!” Petra yells, guiding her horse back into their formation. “Message has been relayed. Commander Erwin has been notified of the right wing’s failure.”

Failure. Disgusting word. Sacrifice is what it was, plain and simple. “Well done. Everyone focus up. We can’t get complacent now.”

Petra makes a noise that Levi can’t really decipher over the thunder of their horses’ hooves, but whatever it is, it’s not a happy sound. “Do you think the entire right wing…?”

“Yes,” Levi says grimly. “And trust me when I say I’ll be giving Erwin hell for it.”

“Poor souls,” Petra murmurs. “Do you think the rear guard will be able to control the titans that break through?”

“Depends,” Levi says. “Based on no other evidence except it would be _really_ fucking inconvenient for the rest of us, no. But if they have Ackerman with them then yeah. Keep a weather eye out, though. I’m not taking any risks. If you see another shot of black smoke, I want you running your fucking horses into the ground. Make for tree cover as quickly as possible.”

“Yes, Captain,” they chorus as one, Eren included.

“Well…” Isabel says after a moment. “It’s not black smoke, but that’s sure as shit inconvenient.”

Levi glances back at her, sees her looking right, away from them at something in the distance. Levi shifts his line of sight, following her gaze, and his blood halts in his veins, frozen solid.

“Captain!” Oruo barks.

“I fucking see it,” is Levi’s furious response. “Right wing spotters _and_ the rear guard really are fucked, then. Shit, I’d hoped we had longer. See?” He points at the red signal flare arching up weakly at a bad angle from behind the distant trees. “Retreating. Too many casualties, too wounded to continue. Fuck sake.”

Gunther draws a blade. “Shall we engage, Captain?”

“We don’t have a fucking choice,” Levi grits out. “Isabel, don’t let that thing anywhere near us.” He doesn’t have a fucking choice. She’s the fastest out of all of them, second only to Levi, and he can’t break away to engage himself, he has to fucking lead them.

“Got it,” Isabel says, drawing her blades.

“Captain!” Eren says quickly. “Let me do it.”

“Are you shitting me, Jaeger?” Levi snaps, too shocked to even attempt to modulate his response. “The entire right wing is gone and you want to intentionally put yourself in harm’s way? You trying to prove something?”

“Yes,” Eren says fiercely. “Isabel can watch my six, I trust her, and I know I can take it down. I need to prove that I won’t falter when the time comes and this might be the only chance I get to down a titan in human form. God knows if we encounter more of them it means the scouting formation has failed completely and shit’s about to go south real fucking fast.”

Levi is silent for a long moment. He should have fucking expected this, of course Eren would go fucking feral at the first sight of a titan. The right wing’s gone and he’s probably spitting fire about it, terrified for the fate of his friend, just the way Levi would be if Isabel were over there. Not only that, but the last time Eren went up against a titan, he nearly fucking died, which isn’t exactly filling Levi with confidence about sending Eren to take a fucking titan down alone.

But also… What if Eren _does_ falter at a critical moment? It’s one fucking titan, alone, standard, and he has an entire squad at his back to assist him. Fuck knows the kid’s probably been agonising over his defeat in Trost all this time. This is his chance to get even and against all his fucking instincts, Levi wants to give him that chance.

“Captain?” Petra questions urgently. “Shall we engage? It’s moving too fast for us to escape without burning out the horses.”

“It’s one titan,” Eren says. “I can do it.”

“I’ve got him,” Isabel says and with a jolt Levi realises she’s addressing him and not the titan lumbering towards them. “I can watch him, Levi, I’ll take out the ankles if you want. Make it easier.”

“Don’t make it fucking easy for him,” Levi snaps. “He’s not a fucking child, he can… _Fuck_.” He shouldn’t be considering this. This is a fucking _bad call_ and he fucking knows it. But Eren is a soldier, a _scout_ , and he stands a better chance against that fucking beast than the rest of them do, on level ground with no gear. “Eren, if you take a fucking risk here, I’ll kill you myself. You failed in Trost. Do _not_ fail here.”

And that’s the truth. Levi’s not trying to be cruel, he’s speaking a language Eren can understand. Retribution, pure and simple. Eren grins, fierce and determined and Levi fucking trusts him.

“Engage. Both of you, don’t fucking let me down.”

“Yes, Captain!” They cry together.

Heart in his throat, Levi watches Eren draw his blades, steel singing a savage hiss.

Isabel peels away first, banking a sharp left with a loud cry, spurring her horse into a dirt-churning gallop towards the titan’s legs. Eren follows, knees tense, back bowed low as he primes his triggers and Levi can’t look away. The titan gurgles and takes a swipe for Isabel that misses by a hair’s breadth when she ducks low in the saddle, slashing upwards with her right blade to take off a couple of its fingers. Eren takes the opportunity she’s given him, circling round its back and assessing for an intense half second before firing his left anchor into the titan’s shoulder. It roars predictably, turns towards him, and once it’s side-on, Eren dislodges the anchor and fires the right into its far shoulder.

A feint. Masterfully done.

“Yes, Eren!” Isabel cries, drawing back.

“Go for the kill!” Eld cries. “You’ve got this!”

“Go, Eren!” Petra bellows.

They all have so much faith in him. So why doesn’t Levi? Is he really so softened by care for Eren that he can’t see what a fighter he is? Is that what Levi’s been reduced to? Overprotective guardian? Collar around Eren’s neck? Shackles around his wrists? When did he stop seeing Eren as a fighter and start seeing him as something that needed to be taken care of? When did Levi stop trusting Eren’s instincts?

Eren winches his wires in as fast as it will respool, vaulting from his horse’s back in a whirlwind of gas and gears. With a mighty slash, Eren rends the nape in two, leaving behind two deep gouges and a plume of bloody steam.

The titan crashes to the ground and Eren follows, rolling hard on impact and throwing a hand up. Not a moment later Isabel’s fingers grasp his, hauling him upright with the momentum of her galloping horse and swinging him up onto the beast behind her. Eren’s horse canters over obediently and once in reach, Eren vaults from Isabel’s horse back into his own saddle.

“Nicely done!” Isabel praises, reaching over to thump his shoulder before they speed up to rejoin their formation. Eren follows, grinning fiercely with exhilaration and Levi is _proud_.

“Not bad for a rookie!” Petra calls. “Nice, deep cuts, you should be proud!”

“Yeah, not bad at all for someone so wet behind the ears,” Oruo says. “Bit shaky on the take-off, but could’ve been worse.”

“Oh, shut up, Oruo,” Eld snaps. “His first kill was better than yours!”

“You weren’t even _born_ when I made my first kill!”

“All that tells me is that you’re old as _fuck_. Shut up or you’ll lose your dentures, old man!”

“Eren,” Levi calls, drawing Eren’s fiercely jubilant gaze to his own. “Well done.”

Eren’s answering smile is blinding. “Thank you, Captain.”

“Look out, world!” Isabel yells, standing up in her saddle and punching a fist into the air. “Eren Jaeger’s a titan killer!”

“Isa, I’ve killed, like, twenty titans.”

“...Look out, world! Eren Jaeger’s a titan killer _with swords!”_

They leave the titan corpse steaming and the fear that has a vice-like grip on Levi’s heart and lungs lessens considerably. He’d honestly been convinced Eren couldn’t handle it, which is horrific for so many reasons. Eren’s earned Levi’s faith a hundred times by now, Levi should know better, though he doubts he’ll ever be happy letting Eren engage a titan alone. But maybe he shouldn’t be so concerned. The kid’s a fucking natural born titan-killer, just like Levi, just like Isabel. He trusts his gear, trusts his instincts, and so should Levi. And now that Eren has fought a titan and _won_ , righted the wrong caused in Trost... He’ll be unstoppable now.

“Oh, thank fuck for that,” Isabel groans. “I’ve never been so fucking happy to see trees in my life. Levi, _please_ tell me we’re switching to 3DM gear. My ass is about to fall off.”

“Not yet,” Levi says. “Not until we know what we’re dealing with. But the moment we’re through the first line, I want your blades drawn. Don’t let your guards down for a second.”

“Sir,” they chorus as one.

The forest - Erwin’s chosen battleground - rears up to meet them, vast and impossibly tall. Even craning his head back Levi can’t see the tops, not as they draw closer, and the sight of it, however foreboding, is still at least a little reassuring. Inside the forest they’ll be able to mount a proper offence against any threats that are stupid enough to wander inside. With the trees to anchor on, they’ll no longer be sitting ducks for whatever is on their trail.

He just wishes the right wing hadn’t had to die before they got here.

Briefly, just before the shadow of trees swallows them, Levi catches a glimpse of the rest of their comrades, tucked away dozens of meters up, nesting on branches like the deadliest flock of birds, armed to the teeth. Erwin really has thought of everything, the paranoid bastard, but at least Eren’s not going to be the only bait they use today.

It doesn’t really make Levi feel much better.

“Are we switching to gear?” Isabel asks impatiently. “Come on, Levi, we should while we have the chance. We can spring a trap easily if we do.”

“No. Keep riding.”

“But-”

“Shut your mouth and stay in your saddle until I tell you otherwise. Use your fucking head for once in your goddamn life.”

Erwin should have told them. He should have told them all. Levi trusts his squad, he knows the traitor isn’t one of his own, but Erwin’s been so fucking tight-lipped and Levi couldn’t fight against that, not when Eren was at risk if he did. Erwin’s gambling with more lives than he has a right to, but Levi can’t do a fucking thing about it. Not until they know what they’re dealing with. He’s so fucking sick of all the uncertainty.

A shot rings out behind them. Tilting his head back, Levi watches the trail of black bleed into the sky, barely visible through the towering canopy.

Whatever they’re fighting against has entered the forest.

They don’t have long.

“Hold,” Levi grunts, drawing his own blades. “It’ll happen in the blink of an eye. Be ready.”

Tension ripples through his squad. None of them know what they’re waiting for, but it’s the only warning he can give. He has to trust that they can handle whatever comes through the trees, has to trust that Erwin’s bastard plan will pull them through. He has to trust in that. He has to.

A scout arcs above them, breaking through a dense copse of foliage with a hiss of wires. He opens his mouth to scream a warning and even this far away Levi can see the fear in his eyes.

The ground trembles beneath them.

Levi doesn’t watch the scout die. A dirty, cruel death, body crushed into bloody mist above their heads as a titan explodes from the trees in a shower of bark and blood. Isabel cries out, a wordless bellow of rage as the scout’s pulverised body is tossed carelessly away, but then their fallen comrade is forgotten, because the titan has set its eyes on Eren and they need to ride.

 _“Go, move it!”_ Levi roars, guiding Lark into a gallop so fast his entire body thrums to the beat of her hooves. His squad obey, surging forward like bullets from a gun, clustering around Eren to shield him the way they swore to do.

“Levi, we need to switch to 3DM!” Isabel cries. “It’s too close, we can’t outrun it!”

“Keep moving!”

“Captain!” Eld roars. “Let us engage, we can take it down!”

Another scouts body is flung to the ground, half of it missing, and Levi ignores it. “Eyes forward!”

“We’re the reinforcements!” Petra yells. “We need your orders!”

“Levi!” Eren cries. “They’re dying, we need to engage!”

“Don’t you fucking start with me, Jaeger, I gave you a fucking order!”

“Levi, they’re fucking dying!”

“I told you to fucking ride, so _ride_!”

More scouts fall and Levi can’t look at them. He doesn’t see their faces, doesn’t see the comrades Erwin’s commanded to die so that they can succeed here today. Everything in Levi wants to turn, to engage, to slice the bitch on their tail to ribbons and lay them at Erwin’s fucking feet, but he _can’t_. Otherwise their comrades will have died for nothing.

The titan - whatever the fuck it is - muscular, skinless, fucking _feminine_ somehow - bends low, swooping into its sprint as it reaches for Eren and Levi wants to _rip_ and _tear_ but he _just fucking can’t_. She- It- Whatever the fuck it is, misses by an inch and Isabel snarls her fury at it having come so close to him.

“Everyone, cover your ears!” Levi bellows, raising his gun. He doesn’t have time to see if he’s obeyed, just fires the round anyway, and the acoustic round bursts into the sky with a deafening clang.

“Keep riding!” He yells past the ringing in his ears. “We have a fucking mission here. Keep Eren alive at all costs. Don’t falter or our comrades died for nothing.”

“They don’t have to die!” Eren roars back. “I can shift and take it down! Levi, it’s killing them, we have to do something!”

 _Yes, shift,_ Levi thinks, hating himself. _Shift and don’t fucking look back. Make for the wall, leave us behind and be_ safe, _goddamn it._

“Eren, no!” Petra yells before Levi can answer. “Our mission is to keep you safe, you’re only meant to shift if your life is in danger!”

“And it’s not in fucking danger now?!”

“No! We’re here and we’re with you, trust us!”

“What about-”

“Stop asking stupid questions!” Oruo roars. “We have our orders and so do you! Eyes _forward_ , greenhorn!”

Levi should be grateful to them. They’re willing to lay down their lives in service to their cause, a cause Levi never wanted, a cause Levi would never wish on his worst enemy. He should be fucking grateful that they’re so dedicated they’re ready to lay themselves down in that fucking titan bitch’s path to keep Eren alive.

But they’re losing so many. And Levi doesn’t know why he won’t let Eren shift.

Oh, he fucking knows why. Because whatever that bitch is, it’s trained. Eren, for all his determination, doesn’t stand a fucking chance.

“Trust your comrades, Eren,” Levi says, bowing low in his saddle and urging Lark on faster. Her sides are slick with sweat, they can’t keep this pace for much longer. But what fucking choice do they have? What fucking choice do any of them have?

They’re fighting so that one day no more people will have to die at the hands of titans. They’re fighting to free the rest of humanity from a century of chains. Levi never wanted this. He never fucking wanted it. But he’ll die out here if it means that one day, no one else will have to.

“I want to fight,” Eren rages and the words are almost a sob. “They shouldn’t be _dying_ for me!”

“And yet they are. Make it fucking worth it, Jaeger. That’s all any of us can do.”

“I…”

“If you want to shift, do it!” Levi bellows. “Just know that every single fallen scout was willing to risk their lives for this. I told you to trust your gut, but you’re not fucking thinking straight. You know a bad call, Eren. Is this a bad call? Or are you just scared?”

Levi can’t even look at him. He can’t slow, not for a second. The bitch is too close, Eren’s in too much danger for Levi to falter now.

_Shift. Shift, Eren, and be safe. Run. Run as fast as you can and don’t fucking look back._

_This never should have happened to you._

“Eren, come on!” Levi roars. “Make up your damn mind!”

Eren _roars_ and for a second suspended in time, Levi can hear his titan screaming right along with him.

_”I’m with you!”_


	58. Chapter 58

Like an endless crash of thunder, a volley of explosions rips through the forest, gunpowder igniting and sending hooks soaring, ripping into titan flesh and digging deep. The bizarre titan creature that’s been on their tail for too long is finally caught and held firm, trapped by a hundred wires and bound in place with no chance of moving again, and Eren finally understands just what part he had to play in this expedition.

He wasn’t just bait. He was a _distraction_.

Eren can’t even feel relieved about it. How is he meant to, when the entire right wing has been decimated? How many scouts have died today to keep him safe? Why had Levi let them?

Erwin had this planned from the start, Eren knew that, he’s not surprised, he just hadn’t anticipated how much sacrifice would be necessary to get them to this point. He honestly feels a little sick. A lot sick, actually. How is he ever supposed to be a true scout if he can’t follow orders like this? Does he even want to be?

No, he can’t think about that now. They’ve caught that… _thing_ , whatever it is. The strangely female titan, the beast that cut through their ranks like they were nothing. And as soon as they can carve out who’s inside, Eren fully plans on getting his payback for the soldiers it and its cohorts have killed. For Trost. For Shiganshina. For every member of the 104th they lost along the way.

Bizarre to think there’s another shifter in there, like Eren. Who could it possibly be? Who among them was hiding such a power? How long have they had it? Where did it come from? Why are they here?

“I need to break away for a while,” Levi says, cutting into Eren’s frantic swirl of currently unanswerable questions. “Get Eren somewhere safe.”

“Oh, hell no,” Isabel and Eren rage as one, both ready to snap at a moment’s notice. “Like fuck are we missing out on this. I want to carve the bitch out of that titan and you’re not fucking stopping me.”

“You can’t expect us not to come with you,” Eren continues angrily. “I want answers, too. It’s my fucking right, I want to know who’s been killing our comrades.”

“And I want you out of the way,” Levi snaps. “I know you’re pissed, but you can’t interfere here. We’ll carve out whoever’s inside and once they’re secure we’ll sound the retreat. But for now I want as much distance between you and that skinless bitch as possible.”

“But-“

“Eren, I’m not fucking asking. Isabel, Petra, watch him. If he tries anything, take his fucking legs off if you have to. Not like they won’t grow back.”

Eren scowls but what the fuck can he do? Levi - _Captain_ Levi, Eren is coming to learn - is something of an unrepentant asshole. There’s no way Levi can be content with the fact that fifty scouts, maybe more, are dead just because Erwin wanted information. That’s not who Levi is, that’s not how he operates. So why now? Whoever is inside that titan body can’t possibly be the answer to all their problems.

Can they?

“I’ll be back,” Levi says, standing in his saddle. “Keep away and keep the brat safe. And see to my horse.”

He’s gone not a moment later, disappearing into the trees towards the center rank and the trapped female titan. Isabel swerves ahead, grasping Lark’s reins and leading her alongside her own horse. Eren glares furiously at the empty saddle Levi’s left behind, eyes prickling painfully.

“Shattered the illusion a bit, huh?” Isabel says crossly. “Feel free to absolutely smack him one when we get back to HQ. Fuck knows I’m going to.”

“Isa,” Petra chides gently. “He’s just following orders.”

“Those weren’t orders!” Isabel snaps, pointing violently in the direction Levi had flown. “That wasn’t Levi being a good Captain and following his Commander like a good little military dog, that was fucking _slaughter_ , Petra. If Eren had shifted, we could have backed him against that bitch and saved so many lives today. So don’t tell me he was following orders. Because that wasn’t obedience, that was fucking cowardice.”

Ordinarily Eren would defend Levi, but he’s too fucking angry to even attempt to be rational about this. Isabel’s _right_ , it _was_ slaughter, needless, gruesome, bloody. And if Erwin wants Eren to behave like a good little titan shifter going forward, he’s going to have to fucking answer for what’s happened here today.

Is Armin even still alive? Who else was in the right wing? Eren should have fucking shifted. He should have. The next chance he gets, he’s doing it and Levi can rage about it all he wants. Eren’s done letting people die for him. What good does it do any of them, anyway? He’s strong, stronger than any of them give him credit for. As an untrained titan he retook Trost almost single handedly. Now that he’s experienced, he can take down as many titans as it takes.

If they’ll fucking let him.

“Come on,” Eld says. “Enough of this, we need to hitch the horses and switch to 3DM. I’m sick of this shit.”

Eren wholeheartedly agrees. They tie off their horses not much further away from the main path the titans have carved through the forest, an old trail once used by merchants and travellers alike. Once, long ago, Eren’s father had promised to bring him and Mikasa here, to see the forest that was the pride of wall Maria. Eren hadn’t really cared, they were just trees, right? What’s so special about some damn trees? But now he’s here he thinks he understands. The size of them beggars belief, Eren hadn’t even known it was possible for trees to _grow_ this tall.

Once he’s airborne, Eren feels a lot better about the whole situation. Not by much, but he feels less like a liability and more like a soldier once his gear is carrying him. They rocket up through the trees to a cluster of branches sturdy enough to carry them, far enough away from the captured titan that Eren has no idea what’s happening, but with any luck they’ll find out soon.

“I’m never going to get that image out of my head,” Isabel says with a shudder. “What the hell even was that thing? It’s not like any titan I’ve ever seen before.”

“Weird, right?” Gunther says. “Almost like… I don’t know. Definitely not a proper titan, though.”

“I’m going to have nightmares about that for sure,” Isabel mutters. “I mean, that was just unnecessary. Why the fuck—“ She gestures to her own chest. “Like, what, it wasn’t female enough? Had to have those just so we knew for sure?”

Eren barks a startled laugh, overwhelmingly grateful for Isabel’s innate ability to slice through tension like a well-honed blade. “I mean, I don’t think it was intentional,” he says awkwardly. “Maybe that’s just how their titan looks? I mean, I don’t control how mine looks, it just happens like that.”

“I guess. But your titan is cute, though.”

Eren gapes at her. “It’s _what_?”

“It’s cute! You’ve got your little jaws and your pointed ears that you can wiggle and your big old eyes…” Isabel trails off, suddenly aware that they’re all fucking staring at her. “What? You _know_ I’m right.”

Eld blinks. “There… Is something very wrong with you.”

“Well, I know _that_. I’m still right, though.”

“Mm, are you, though?”

“What’s wrong, Eld, you don’t think my titan’s cute?”

“No. No, I do not.”

“Well, that’s just rude, really.”

“Alright, brats, focus up,” Oruo grumbles. “We're not on a sightseeing tour here. We do actually have work to do.”

Isabel glances at Eren, rolls her eyes, and plops herself down on the branch, stretching her legs out with a sigh. “I don’t know about you, but I don’t think there’s a lot we can do from here. Can’t even go say hello to our new friend since Erwin wants that honour all to himself.”

“Doubt there’s much to see,” Gunther says. “Didn't you see the way she moved? Had a hand up covering her nape whenever anyone tried to cut her. Before the cannons fired, she threw both hands up to shield it. I don’t think she’s going to give up her identity easily.”

“I’m not too worried about that,” Isabe says dryly. “They’ve got Hanji and Levi there. Just you wait, the call to retreat will come any minute now and we can formally introduce ourselves to the bitch responsible for ripping our ranks to shreds.”

Eren would like that _very_ much. Right after he’s made sure Armin and the others are okay. And then he’s going to give Levi the coldest shoulder of his _life_.

He hadn’t known it would be this hard to obey the orders Levi gave him out here. Not just because Eren’s got a fucking problem with authority - apparently - but because he’d trusted Levi not to give him an order he’d struggle to follow. It seems wrong somehow that Levi had been able to command him to hold steady, to not shift and fight, when not even a few days ago he’d given Eren explicit consent to do so.

Why change his mind? What the fuck is trust going to do for Eren right now? Fuck all, that’s what. He’s tucked nice and safe out of the way with a group of titan killing experts watching over him and none of it makes any fucking sense. Why can no one else see how fucking bizarre that logic is? Eren literally regrows limbs, why are they defending him so fervently? He could have ripped that bitch’s nape out with his fucking teeth and had them all safely back over the wall in an hour. It makes no fucking sense to shield him like this. He’s not fucking worth this. He’s not worth the dozens of lives they lost today just to get a scrap of information about what the fuck it is they’re supposed to be fighting against.

“It’s not your fault.”

Eren looks up, startled. He hadn’t even heard Petra fly over. “What’s not?”

“What happened today.” She kneels down in front of him, expression solemn but kind. “All we can really do is follow orders and I know it’s difficult at first, but we signed up for this, right? We have to trust that the ends justify the means. I know it hurts, but as much as you may not like it, you have a power that needs to be protected.”

Eren scowls. “I didn’t ask for this.”

“No, you didn’t. And I’m sorry. You know if there was a way, any one of us would take the burden from you. The Captain included.”

Eren doubts that. Who wants to go through life as a monster? Eren’s been lucky, his comrades and friends have been more accepting than he dared hope. But that sentiment doesn’t stretch far. It’s why the MPs want him dissected. It’s why he’s not allowed to leave HQ without an escort. It’s why he can’t go into the city with his friends. It’s why, even if they beat back the titans, there’s little to no chance of Eren ever living normally. And that’s if the MPs even _let_ him live.

“Whatever,” Eren mumbles. “What’s done is done, right? Doesn’t mean I’m happy about it, though.”

“You wouldn’t be a good soldier if you were,” Petra says, clasping his shoulder gently. “A good soldier feels for his comrades, but he also makes their sacrifices worthwhile. A good soldier fights for those who came before him, so that no one will have to come after. Just think about it, Eren. If we can keep you safe, get you to wall Maria, clear out the titans… There might never be a reason for us to fight again. Wouldn’t that be worth it?”

Almost. But _so many_ have died. It’s hard to see past that. “I guess… Fuck’s sake, Petra, I’m trying to wallow here, can you stop being reasonable for five minutes?”

She laughs sweetly and Eren’s treated to the hopelessly besotted glance Isabel sends at her partner’s back in response. Well, could be worse, right? At least he’s surrounded by people he trusts, even if he’s not looking forward to the absolute hell he’s going to give Levi the moment they're home and safe. Maybe Erwin, too. Depends how angry Eren is by the time they make it back to the castle.

“So, what’s everyone thinking?” Eld asks, leaning back against the trunk of the branch he’s perched on. “Any suspicions? What exactly are we fighting against here?”

“I reckon it’s aberrant titans,” Isabel says at once. “Farlan and I were talkin’ about it. Super smart titans that have been watching us for years in secret, waiting for a chance to get inside. There’s a whole gang of them that control the mindless ones. The colossal titan’s probably their King!”

Eld stares at her for a long moment before looking away. “...Anyone else? Someone who _doesn’t_ take lessons from Hanji in how to be insane?”

“Oh, laugh it up, Gin, I’ll remind you of this conversation when I’m right!”

“Please, _god_ , anyone else?”

“You know, she’s probably not far off,” Gunther says, looking thoughtful. “They can’t have come from inside the walls, right? Otherwise why have the colossal titan break the gate open in the first place? And why disappear right after? The colossal could’ve levelled us a hundred times over, so they’re obviously after something. If we assume that the colossal and the armoured titans got in, laid low for a couple of years, bided their time. But why? What for?”

“Guess we won’t know unless we can get answers from that skinless freak,” Oruo says. “Weird to think that we might actually be close to ending this.”

“Don’t speak too soon,” Gunther warns. “We don’t even know if-“

“Yeah, we do!” Isabel cries, surging to her feet and pointing wildly at a point over their heads. “Blue smoke, blue smoke! That’s the call to withdraw!”

They all turn in unison, peering up through the dense foliage to where an arcing trail of blue is already wisping away into the wind. Something like wonder surges through Eren at the sight. They’ve done it. They’ve actually fucking done it.

“Well, thank god for that,” Gunther murmurs. “I'd hate to have to return with nothing to show for it.”

“Hell yeah,” Isabel grins. “Means we can keep the MPs paws off of Eren for a bit longer.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“What?! That’s a good thing!”

“Don’t say it like we’re just postponing the inevitable!”

“Oh, come on, you know Levi’d never let that happen. He’s more likely to hop your shoulder and let you loose on the interior than he is to even let the MPs so much as look at you.”

“He does take his job quite seriously,” Eld says. “I guess because you guys were trainees together? It’s so weird, he never seemed like the kind to have many friends.”

Isabel and Eren share a glance. “Yeah, well, people can surprise you.”

“Sure can. Isabel, for instance. Not nearly as stupid as she looks.”

“Oh, Eld, keep talking, I dare you.”

“Alright, kids, pack it in,” Gunther barks. “I want to be back behind the walls by sundown, got it? Now form up, let’s go.”

They alight the trees as one, the rest of them falling into formation around Eren as they stream through the trees back towards where their horses are hitched. Eren still can’t quite believe it’s over, that they’ve managed to capture that female titan and extract the traitor from inside it. He’s desperate to know their identity, too, to finally be able to put a face to the shadow that’s followed him since Trost, maybe even Shiganshina. It’s a terrifying thought, but Eren can’t be much else other than relieved that it’s over.

“Oh, eyes up,” Petra calls, pointing one of her blades. “Smoke signal.”

Gunther glances left, spots the green pillar rising up skyward. “Probably the Captain then. Who’s got a flare left?”

“I do,” Eld murmurs, slowing to stop on a branch and loose an answering signal. “Guess we’ll rendezvous up ahead.”

“Good,” Eren says. “Didn’t think I could hold it together until we got through the gate.”

“God, please don’t have a domestic out in titan country,” Isabel groans. “I don’t want to have to mediate a weird quasi-divorce while fighting off titans.”

“He should have thought of that before he let so many soldiers die for me. Honestly, he really should have seen this coming, he knows what I’m like.”

“You've sure got balls, kid,” Eld says, shaking his head. “You must know something we don’t if you’re willing to risk a beating from the Captain for insubordination.”

Eren tries so hard to keep the grin off his face. Yes, he does know something that they don’t, that’s one way of putting it. Nothing funnier than getting cussed out by Humanity's Strongest when you have intimate knowledge of what his bedhead looks like. But they don’t need to know that.

“Like you said,” Eren says, fighting to keep the laughter out of his voice. “We trained together.”

“I’m still waiting on those embarrassing stories,” Petra says. “I know you have some.”

“Yeah, not very suitable for polite company, though.” Eren raises his eyebrows meaningfully.

“You know, on second thought, I’m good?”

“Thought so.”

Isabel snickers childishly and even though Eren’s feeling all sorts of twisted up inside, he can’t help but be a little cheered by their odd squad of people. He really does trust them, no matter how rocky things had been at the start, and he knows that they trust him, have the scars on their hands to prove it. And now Eren really feels like one of them, a true scout, and he knows that it’s only going to get better from here. With any luck, today is a turning point for their ranks and they can finally, _finally_ begin to push back properly against the titan threat that’s been plaguing mankind since long before Eren was born.

“Look alive,” Gunther calls back to them. “Captain’s here.”

As much as he’s pissed - and _boy_ is he pissed - Eren can’t help the little flutter of relief that trills through his chest at that. He can hold off on letting Levi have a piece of his mind until they’re alone, but he has so many questions about the female titan that he just can’t—

Something barrels into Gunther with the force of a hurricane, snapping his left wire and sending him careening into a thick trunk with a snap so sickening Eren’s entire body recalls. Petra cries out, veering harshly left into Eren, an arm outstretched in front of him like she’s trying to defend him. Eren can’t even pay attention, doesn’t even care if she is trying to defend him, just drops his hooks and soars down to where Gunther is hanging, suspended by his right gear hook.

“Gunther! Are you alright? What the hell ha—“

No...

_No!_

His neck is broken, head lolling at a jarringly grotesque angle, and if that’s not enough there’s a sickeningly deep gash across his chest, the kind of slash that could only be made by a paring blade. Petra screams. Or it might be Isabel. Or, fuck, even Eren himself, he’s so fucking appalled he can’t even tell anymore. Gunther is— There's no way, he was— Just a moment ago he was—

“Come on!” Oruo cries, grabbing Eren roughly round the waist and throwing him forward with a surprising amount of force. “Move, brat, let’s go!”

“We can’t just—“

“There’s nothing we can do for him, shut it and _fly!_ ”

_No!_

It wasn’t meant to happen like this! The expedition is _over_ , they were supposed to have _won_. Gunther should be— He shouldn’t be dead, they shouldn’t be suddenly scrambling for battle stations because something has come after them. It was meant to be _over!_

Eren rages, seethes, twists to fire his anchors and get back to— Back to Gunther, oh _god_ — But Isabel’s there in a heartbeat, rage and grief twisting her face into a horrific grimace as she grabs his wrist, hauls him along with a strength to rival Levi’s.

“Don’t fucking lose your head,” she snaps at him, firing her anchors to drag Eren along in midair, grip iron-tight and unyileidng around his wrist. “Everyone, converge, assume multiple hostiles! Protect Eren at all fucking—“

This time, Eren does scream, a hoarse, horrified sound ripping out of his throat as something - cloaked traitorously in green and faster than Eren’s eyes can follow - rams into Isabel’s back, sending the both of them careening through the trees in a deadly tangle of wires. Isabel’s left hook retracts at lightning speed, the blades of the anchor slicing into Eren’s right thigh but he can’t feel anything beyond the chill of metal biting into his flesh, no pain, nothing, until their combined momentum sends them crashing to the forest floor with bone-shattering force.

“Isabel! Eren!” Petra’s cry is high, terrified, and Eren can’t do a damn thing except lie there, dazed, ribs shuddering with a breathless sort of pain as he tries to wrestle the both of them upright.

“Isa? _Isabel!”_ He wrenches his legs away from hers, rolls them roughly to try and get their wires untangled all while looking around wildly for what crashed into them. Oruo and Eld are beside them a moment later, back to back, blades drawn and ready.

“Fucking-” Isabel groans, vomits a mouthful of blood that has Eren crying out. He reaches for her, heaves her up by the shoulder and recoils when she lets loose a guttural growl of pain. “Don’t- I’m _fine_ -”

“Don’t move, idiot,” Eld barks, eyes flickering restlessly about the trees surrounding them. “You might’ve broken your fucking back.”

“It’s not her back,” Eren says, horrified. “Oh, my god, _Isabel_...”

She topples back with a grunt, panting and sweaty, clutching her left side with a pained wheeze. Eren helps to rip the cloak from around her shoulders, revealing the extent of an injury he hadn’t even seen get inflicted. Protruding grotesquely from her left side, driven right through from her back to the front of the upper left quadrant of her abdomen, is the snapped length of a paring blade.

She’s been fucking _impaled_.

“That’s-” She breaks off with a stuttering gasp, body convulsing like she’s trying to shy away from the pain and curl in at the same time. “That’s not f-fucking good- _Shit-_ -”

“Oh, fucking hell,” Eld spits. “Fuck, what- Shit, what do we do?”

“Take it out and bind it,” Oruo barks. “We need to move, we need to go _now_.”

“Petra, guard!” Eld roars, darting over to Isabel’s side the moment their comrade lands, her own blades drawn. Concern and fear twist her face but she doesn’t break formation, just seamlessly moves in to defend them while they try to deal with the fact that _Isabel’s been fucking impaled._

“Don’t touch it!” Eren cries, shoving Eld back when he reaches a hand out towards the blade sticking out from Isabel’s body. “Don’t, fucking hell, she’ll bleed out!”

“Well, what the fuck are we supposed to do?!”

Eren stares at the wound, at Isabel’s pale, sweaty face, and makes a decision. “Listen to me. Please, my dad was a doctor, I can help her but it… It won’t be pleasant.”

“Work fucking quickly, then,” Eld says. “Tell me what you need, Eren.”

Eren swallows, shifts onto his knees and ignores the protesting shriek of the severed nerves in his right thigh. It’s already starting to steam, anyway. _He’ll_ be fine, but if he doesn’t work quickly, Isabel could-

No. No fucking more. _No fucking more._

“Hold her steady. Give her something to bite down on.”

Eld, to his credit, doesn’t even hesitate, though he’s obviously not thinking as clearly as would probably benefit the situation. Rather than find a broken branch or anything useful, he just shoves the side of his left hand into Isabel’s mouth. She’s in too much pain to protest against it and Eren’s not going to be fucking picky about it, doesn’t fucking have _time_ , and the moment Isabel has something in her mouth to stop her from biting through her own fucking tongue in agony, Eren ducks low to her side, shifting the paring blade in her flesh so that the ridges of the blade are as close to her skin as they can get. Isabel stiffens and gives a muffled shriek against Eld’s hand, and though Eld hisses, he doesn’t pull away. He grips her shoulder tightly, holding her in place, trusting Eren to do the right thing.

He doesn’t even know if this is right, but it’s all he can fucking think of. Ignoring the way the edges of the blade slice into his fingers, Eren pulls with all his strength against the length of the blade sticking out from Isabel’s skin, snapping the protrusions off both front and back so that the length of blade left in Isabel’s skin is drastically shortened.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Eld demands, grunting when Isabel moans against his hand and bites down hard enough to draw blood. “Can you do something before she takes my hand off?!”

“I’m doing it!” Eren snaps back at him, ripping Isabel’s cloak to shreds, using the snapped edge of the blade to slice into the fabric. It’s a crude way of doing it, but snapping the blade has made it easier for Eren to use the shreds of the cloak to fashion a binding for the wound which he wraps quickly around Isabel’s abdomen now, binding as tight as he dares while trying not to dislodge the length of metal embedded in her flesh. “Never fucking take a foreign object out. That’s the best I can do right now.”

“Fucking brilliant, Jaeger,” Eld breathes. Carefully he extricates his bloody hand from Isabel’s mouth and though she grunts thickly in pain, she doesn’t scream. Her eyes are glassy though, dull with pain, and Eren makes a wordless sound of distress, leans forward to nudge her forehead with his own.

"I-"

“We need to get airborne,” Oruo says urgently. “I don’t know who the fuck that is, but we can’t stick around to find out.”

“Can’t fly,” Isabel grits out. “Go. I’ll- Stay.”

“Like hell you will,” Petra snaps. “That’s not a damn option.”

“Would-” She drags a choked breath down, shuddering violently. “-Slow ya down. ‘S’okay, Pets.”

“No, it’s not!”

“Calm down!” Eld snaps. “We need to move and leaving you behind isn’t an option, Isabel, so stow it. Eren and I can carry you between us. Petra, Oruo, you’ll need to take-”

Eren doesn’t let him finish.

No more. He’s already decided.

He breaks away from the four of them, ignoring their furious shouts as he tears away, sprinting as fast as he can to put enough distance between himself and them. If Isabel hadn’t been injured, if Gunther hadn’t been killed, Eren would have trusted them. But they’re two soldiers down, now, with an unknown assailant trying to pick them off one by one. Enough is enough. It’s time for Eren to fight _back_.

He rips into the skin of his hand with savage teeth, crying out in sheer _relief_ as his titan answers his bloody call, ripping out of Eren with an explosion of amber lightning. Heat suffuses his limbs, cascades through his blood, superheating him unbearable until fire and rage cocoon his body in steaming titan flesh. When he opens his eyes again, the world is left a hazy red by the sheer force of his rage, but he’s no longer helpless.

No one else is going to die for him today.

He turns at once, spreading his palms with an urgent growl. He’s understood and obeyed instantly, his squad’s wires sinking deep into his flesh as they scramble onto his body. Eld hoists Isabel into his arms, lifts her into Eren’s cupped left palm, and the moment she’s safely settled there he curls his fingers around her body, brings her in close to his chest. Petra and Oruo zip up to his right shoulder and Eld hunkers down on his left.

“Alright, Eren,” Petra says, grabbing a lock of his hair to steady herself. “Run, now. We’ll watch your back.”

Eren huffs in agreement, feels Isabel pat his chest ever so lightly with her palm. She's weak, but alive. And Eren's going to make sure she fucking stays that way.

He _runs_. He doesn’t care what direction he’s going in, all he needs to do is clear the forest. Once out of the trees he can get his bearings and make for the wall, ideally link up with their retreating forces but he’s not beyond leaving them behind if he has to get Isabel there faster. The bindings won’t hold forever and she needs to get the blade removed by a doctor before it turns septic, so even if they didn’t have an unknown enemy on their tail, Eren would still be working against the clock.

It’s alright, though. Inside his titan the fear can’t touch him. There is only anger, rage spurring him on, suffusing his limbs, making him _fast_.

He doesn’t trust the smoke signals now, not now that the traitor is wearing their uniform, using their gear and supplies. He won’t trust anyone who’s face he can’t see, will swipe at anyone who dares to get close unless they can prove themselves first. Isabel’s burning hot against his titan skin, heartbeat thrumming an unsteady flutter against his chest like a trapped bird. He won’t let anything happen to her.

An explosion rips through the forest right at his back, sending a shockwave of heat crashing into his spine with enough force to stagger him and send the leaves surrounding him shaking. Oruo gives a furious shout right by his ear and Eren turns, glances back over his shoulder just in time to see a skinless titan fist surging towards his head. He ducks at the last possible moment, screeching as the female titan arcs over his body, twisting into the blow that missed him by inches.

“Back up, Eren!” Eld roars. “Leave her to us!”

“Protect Isabel!” Oruo cries, soaring off of Eren’s shoulder. The three of them dart away from Eren and he can’t fucking stop them, can’t voice the protests that are ripping their way uselessly through his titan throat, can only watch as the three of them soar towards the female titan with savage intent.

But what can Eren do? Isabel needs to be protected and Eren is the only one who can keep her safe now. His titan wars with his human mind, rage fighting against the visceral desire to shield, and it’s only through sheer voice of will that Eren manages to hold the titan half of him back. Will and the fact that if anything happens to Isabel, Eren won’t be able to bear it.

Petra whirls through the air in a deadly spiral while Eld goes in low. The female titan dodges, ducks and weaves as they zip around her body, but she can’t keep an eye on all three of them. While she swipes for Eld - misses - Oruo and Petra spin through the air, slicing deep gashes into her deltoids in a bloody haze. The titan doesn’t roar in pain, likely can’t even feel the pain just like Eren can’t when he shifts, but her icy eyes flash with something approaching fear and Eren roars with satisfaction.

She lunges toward him and Eren rears back, hands clasped to his chest to shield Isabel as the female titan bears down on him, but she can’t attack Eren and fend off the Levi squad at the same time. With unanimous cries, Petra and Eld surge upwards, wires hissing, and drive their blades into her eyes, blinding her. The titan staggers back and Eren lunges, sweeping out with his leg to send the bitch crashing to the ground. Oruo and Eld are there in a second, gouging out flesh from her arms until the limbs fall limpy to her sides.

“Cut the bitch!” Petra bellows, spinning away to replenish her blades. “Carve out her nape!”

Eld surges forward with a cry, hooks digging deep into her flesh as he hauls himself round in a wide arc to build up enough momentum to send him rocketing towards the titan’s bare nape. Blinded, lame, she can’t do anything and Eren crows with bloodthirsty pleasure as Eld-

The female titan’s right eye snaps open, inexplicably healed, and before Eld can reach her nape she turns her head, jaws parting, and snaps her teeth down on his body.

For a second, the entire forest falls silent.

No, that’s… That’s not right. That can’t… That can’t be what happened...

“Eld!” Oruo cries. “It hasn’t even been thirty seconds, how-”

“She concentrated her healing!” Petra yells back. “Get back, Oruo!”

Eren roars, horrified, watches as the female titan rolls to her feet, steam pouring from her injuries like an acrid, polluted fountain. She darts forward, lame arms dangling grotesquely by her sides, and Eren readies himself to evade, but it’s not him she lunges for.

It’s Petra.

Petra, who’s flying too low. Petra, whose comrade has just been snapped in half by titan jaws. Petra, whose partner is currently bleeding slowly out clutched against Eren’s chest.

But Oruo is there, fast and vicious, flinging his body into a savage arc towards the female titan’s nape. Eren roars a wordless plea for Oruo’s blades to sink in deep, to rend the bitch’s nape from her body and dismember the traitorous bastard beneath. He doesn’t care about answers anymore. He just wants them to _die_.

And then that curious matchstick inside Eren’s head sparks. With perfect clarity, Eren sees what is about to happen, seconds before the sickening eventuality unfolds before him.

The female titan’s left arm has healed and blue crystals have begun to fracture and glisten along the muscles at the back of her hand. Hardening? Like the armoured? How is that possible? And as that chill crystal forms, her arm raises, slowly arcing back towards her nape, fingers splayed ready to trap and crush Oruo between them. He hasn’t even seen the arm coming, won’t until it’s too late.

And then Petra. The titan is too fast, Petra’s gas reserves are too low. She has no chance of evading before the female titan crushes her underfoot.

So that’s how it has to be.

Eren has to make a choice.

Oruo… Or Petra.

He can only save one.


	59. Chapter 59

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up, this chapter gets a bit Graphic with the gore. But other than that... Okay, no it's all pretty bad. Sorry 'bout it.

They fucking had the bitch. They had her bound and captured, ready to carve out the traitor inside the nape and rip answers from their screaming body. Levi would have done it, too, would have dug his blades in and twisted until they answered for everything they’d done. For Eren’s life, for the life of their fallen comrades, for Trost and Shiganshina, Levi would have caused so much pain.

But the bitch has summoned a swarm of titans and Levi can’t cut them down fast enough. Every veteran in their ranks surges forwards, ripping, slicing, tearing, nape after nape after nape, but the bastards won’t stop coming, won’t stop ripping at the female’s skinless form with their teeth, destroying their chances of ending this.

“All hands withdraw!”

Levi’s expecting the order when it comes, though every cell in his body screams to disobey. He can’t, though, not when his blades are depleted and his gas reserves are so low his gear isn’t capable of choking out more than a few sputtering gasps whenever he fires. It’s only thanks to his momentum that he’s able to rip himself away from the cluster of cannibalistic titans ripping the corpse of the female to shreds.

“We underestimated her,” Erwin murmurs when Levi drops onto the branch beside him, shaking steaming blood from his cloak. “We didn’t anticipate that she would die before letting her secret be discovered.”

Levi glares furiously down below at the sea of writhing titans ripping flesh from the female titan’s disintegrating body. He’s killed… He doesn’t know how many. Dozens, easily, but still they keep coming, called by the dying shriek of the female, setting upon her body like rabid wolves over fallen prey. It’s gruesome, it’s ghastly, and Levi’s beyond furious about it. They were so fucking _close_.

“I’ll gather up my squad,” Levy murmurs, dropping the stunted blades from the guards. “Refuel while I’m at it.”

“Do so quickly,” Erwin says. “We’ll wait a short way from the forest for you to collect Eren. But I’d like to be back behind the gates before nightfall. We need to discuss how to proceed.”

“We _also_ need to discuss what the fuck you were playing at today,” Levi spits. “How many did we lose? How many did you sacrifice for nothing?”

“Too many,” Erwin murmurs, eyes fixed on the steaming corpse. “Be thankful it wasn’t your call to make.”

Levi pauses at that, shocked. Outwardly, Erwin looks nothing but composed, not even dissatisfied by the loss of their quarry. But looking closer, Levi can see just how tense the Commander’s shoulders are, weighed down by the weight of what they’ve lost today.

“I’ll join you soon,” Levi says eventually. “We can discuss this later.”

“Go,” is all Erwin says and Levi drops to the lower branches to resupply.

The rest of the gathered scouts clear out the titans still gorging themselves below, an easy task with the beasts so distracted by flesh, and Levi itches to join them just for something to vent his anger on. With any luck, he’ll encounter a couple of wandering titans on his way to link up with the others and can carve his fury into their bodies. Failing that… Well. He’s not quite sure what he’ll do.

“Levi,” Hanji says, dropping onto the branch beside him. Steaming blood stains their cloak and the lenses of their glasses, which they push up onto their forehead with a breathless grunt. “Listen, quick.”

“I’m really not in the-”

“It’s important,” Hanji snaps. “I know Erwin’s thought of this already, but I doubt he’s in a particularly forthcoming mood right now. But be careful, alright? We didn’t actually see the person inside the titan get eaten.”

Levi’s hands pause halfway through screwing a fresh canister onto his left scabbard. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying, be careful. Find the others quickly. There’s a chance whoever’s in that titan is still alive. I’m making an assumption here, but I don’t think they’d orchestrate a suicide just to escape questioning. Not if they’re trained.”

Levi stares at them. “You think they’d be able to move so quickly after chasing us down in titan form all fucking day? Eren can barely stand after one transformation.”

Hanji grimaces. “Yes, after a month of training. Imagine what someone with _years_ of experience could do.”

“But that would mean…”

Hanji nods. “That they’d go straight after Eren. They could have escaped while we were trying to fight the titans off. I hate to say it, but-”

Levi doesn’t hear the rest of what they’re trying to say. The moment his canister is connected, he’s gone, ripping through the trees into the forest faster than his hooks can fire. He fucking _knew_ there was something off about this. Of course whoever was inside the titan wouldn’t just sacrifice themselves to keep their secrets. Not if their apparent mission is so important that they had to decimate the entire right wing. Which means Eren’s in danger. Which means Levi needs to find him _fast_ or today won’t have just been a failure, it means that Levi is dangerously close to losing _everything_.

He needs to fire off a smoke signal, but he can’t stomach stopping right now. Stopping means giving that titan shifting bitch time to catch up to the others, which Levi cannot do. The forest is huge, reassuringly so, and if Levi can’t find the others, then it means that their enemy can’t either. Which might be enough to save them until Levi can catch up to them. God, _please_ let there be time to reach them. Please don’t let-

An explosion rocks through the forest to Levi’s left, earth-shaking and terrible, illuminating the shadows between the trees with vibrant orange light. A transformation, but whether it’s Eren’s or that titan bitch’s, Levi doesn’t know, has no fucking way of knowing, so all he can do is launch his hooks and fling himself in the direction of the explosion and hope to god that he’s not too… late…

No…

Levi slows, gas hissing as he drops lower, swinging past the body hanging gruesomely from the gear wires attached to it. The body’s strung up, left to bleed like a fucking slaughtered animal at a butcher’s house, swinging gently against the trunk as the wind catches its clothes.

Levi turns away and _hates_ himself for it.

_Gunther… I’ll send someone for your body. I’m sorry, I can’t stop, I’m sorry._

Up ahead, a titan screams, and Levi would know that cry anywhere. It’s too low to be the female’s, too furious, to enraged to be anyone other than Eren, which means he’s fighting back, which means he’s _alive_ , and Levi hates himself for how easily the relief sweeps away the grief of Gunther’s dishonourable death. He’ll mourn later, once Eren is safe and the female titan is dead. Later, when Levi can think straight, he’ll mourn.

There’s another body up ahead and Levi doesn’t have to fly close to know that it’s Eld’s. The shock of bloody blonde hair is enough. Bitten in half, which means that he died fighting, which is more than can probably be said of Gunther. He deserved better than to be thrown unsuspecting into a tree and left to hang. They deserved better than to die this way. They deserve better than for Levi to fly past them without stopping, but what the fuck else can he do? Not much further ahead, Eren and the others are fighting for their lives. He needs to get to them, he can’t stop, he can’t fucking stop.

His wires screech in protest as he picks up speed, metal hissing against banded wires as he throws himself faster, faster, wind lashing at his face, his cloak, tearing at his skin as he speeds through the trees. He can still hear them roaring, two titans locked in combat, and he needs to get to them fast or the female is going to rip Eren apart. She’s too well trained and Eren won’t be able to hold his own for long.

The forest falls silent so suddenly, a guillotine blade dropping, and Levi’s heart stops in his chest. He can’t hear anything now, no screaming titans, no thundering footsteps, there’s nothing, which means…

His gear screams with a harsh hiss as he catapults himself through the trees, panicked, desperate, terrified. This can’t be it, please don’t let it be over, _please don’t let Eren have lost the fight._

_Please, please don’t fucking take him away from me!_

The scene Levi crashes into is a bizarre one, so much so that his gear stutters and he has to drag himself to a screeching, painfully abrupt halt to be able to parse what the fuck it is he’s looking at. Eren’s titan body is knelt on the ground, bent over with its hands tucked beneath its chest, curled up like it’s trying to protect something. Its nape is steaming, gaping open, and there’s no sign of Eren inside it.

The female titan is gone. And so is Eren.

Levi drops like a stone, gear hooks releasing and sending him crashing down to the forest floor in a messy heap. He doesn’t know what to do, there isn’t a single part of him that isn’t icy and numb, from his chest right through to fingers that won’t stop shaking no matter how tightly he grips his triggers. He can’t get his mind to focus, can’t fucking do _anything_ except sit there and stare like a useless pile of shit.

Eren is gone. His squad is dead. Petra, Oruo, _Isabel_... How is Levi meant to face Farlan now? How is he meant to drag himself back past the safety of the walls and tell Farlan that he lost them all? How is he meant to face _Mikasa?_

In the span of only a few seconds, Levi has lost _everything_.

He can’t… Feel. He’s strangely cold, though the day is unseasonably humid. It makes no sense, it should be raining, really, and yet it’s unbearably warm almost and even so, Levi is cold. Shock, maybe. With any luck it’ll stick around until a titan finds him and he can just… Let go. Hold still and face the inevitable end. He can be a coward now, he’s earned that much. He’d rather die out here than be one of the survivors. He can’t face Farlan after this. He can’t face anyone.

A jet of steam hisses out from beneath Eren’s titan chest, deep from the tight circle of his arms beneath the corpse. Levi can’t even move his hands to cover his face, can’t find the energy to turn away from the acrid, boiling torrent that gusts out to meet him. It burns, stings his eyes, but he can’t move. It’s all so very strange, like the numbness as burned away his nerves at the same time it’s frozen his muscles. What kind of response is this? It can’t just be shock. Maybe the grief has driven him insane. That seems like the most likely explanation.

Something shifts in the shadow of Eren’s corpse and Levi watches with detached interest as a paring blade carves a chunk out of the disintegrating skin. That’s strange. For a blade to stab through like that, would mean-

A gasping body struggles out from the cage of Eren’s titan body, covered in steaming blood and panting, a shock of strawberry blonde hair matted around a red-cheeked face. A very familiar face, actually. A very familiar, very _alive_ face.

“...Petra?”

“Captain!” Petra gasps, reaching out for him, and suddenly Levi can move, heat jolting through his blood, electrifying his body into lunging forward and grabbing her hand, dragging her the rest of the way out from under Eren’s titan. “Oh, thank god you’re here!”

“What…?”

“Help me up?” Levi does, noting just how gingerly she sets weight on her left leg. She winces and Levi helps her by tugging an arm around his shoulders, supporting as much of her weight as he can. “Shit… Sorry, my leg…”

“It’s fine, are you hurt anywhere else?” His voice sounds so flat, even to his own ears. He should be glad, right? Petra’s alive and… relatively unharmed? But one life out of six is… A terrible result. And he hates himself because he would trade her life for Eren’s in a heartbeat. He’s sick. He’s fucking sick and he-

“I think we can probably catch them up if we hurry,” Petra says in a rush, wiping blood from her face. “I think I’m okay to fly, but I’m pretty much out of blades.”

“Catch… Who?”

“Isabel and Eren. It was brutal, Levi, I’ve never seen anything like it. They went south, I think. Yes, I’m pretty sure, I…” She trails off. “Captain, are you alright?” She sounds alarmed, clutches his arm tight enough to ache. “Levi, you’re- Oh, god, it’s alright! Don’t worry, they’re alive!”

“They…?”

“Yes!” Petra shakes him. “It’s okay! I’ll explain everything, but we need to move!”

Awareness sweeps back in like a hurricane, burning away that horrific numbness and Levi’s mind sharpens like a blade. He moves back, raising his triggers and Petra nods, resolute, firing her anchors with a grunt and throwing herself into the air. Levi follows close behind, letting her lead him in the direction Isabel and Eren have gone because they’re _alive_.

“We lost-” Petra gasps as she shifts her weight, gear harness stressing her injured leg, but she steels herself and grits her jaw through the pain. “We lost the others, I’m sorry. Oruo’s death was my fault, Eren couldn’t get to us in time, he- Isabel got injured, stabbed through the side, and Eren transformed to protect her which meant he couldn’t fight as well.”

“It’s alright,” Levi assures her. “We all have deaths on our conscience today, but the squad’s death wasn’t your fault. Blame that titan bitch for this.”

“Oh, I do,” Petra says darkly. “When I get my hands on her, she’s dead, Captain. For Eld, for Gunther, for Oruo. And for _daring_ to lay her hands on Isabel.”

Levi agrees, is viciously proud of the savagery in Petra’s tone. “So what happened?”

“Eren ran for us, collided with the titan just as she- As she crushed Oruo.” Petra swallows hard. “He tried so hard to save both of us, but… She was too fast. He knocked her over, but he couldn’t fight with Isabel in his hands so he- It was unreal, Captain. He grabbed me, scooped me up and threw himself down, curled the titan around me and Isabel and there was- There wasn’t much I could do, he was holding us both so tight, but I heard Isabel scream for him to let her go. Then I heard him answer her, so I guess he must have pulled himself out of the titan? He said something but I wasn’t able to hear clearly, but then Isabel shouted “south” and then I heard the shifting explosion and I heard him roar, so he must have changed again.”

“I only heard one explosion.”

“That must have been him changing again, then. It all happened so fast, I couldn’t keep up, I think I hit my head when Eren grabbed me. I guess he and Isabel must have run and the female titan followed? I’m not sure what-”

Petra breaks off as a titan roar rips through the forest and it’s be best sound Levi’s heard in his fucking _life_. Eren’s roar, furious and determined and _so fucking alive_.

“Petra! Levi!”

The shout draws their attention as one and though Levi is desperate to follow the roar of Eren’s titan, he can’t just fly past Isabel’s voice, not when it sounds so strained with pain. Petra gasps beside him, darts down towards a thick branch about twenty meters up from the forest floor, where Isabel is slumped against the trunk and clutching a thick set of green bandages that are soaked with blood.

“Fuck, you’re a sight for sore eyes,” Isabel gasps, reaching for Petra the moment they land on her branch. Petra rushes to her, clutches Isabel’s face and draws her into a relieved, somewhat desperate kiss before she turns her attention to Isabel’s side. The green bandages, Levi notes, are the shredded remains of her cloak, and judging by the dark blood staining the fabric, the wound is a bad one.

“Petra, can you tend to her?” Levi says. “Get her out of the forest if you can, but I need…”

“Go,” Isabel says. “Go get him back, that bitch is too much for him to handle alone. I thought I could help, but my gear harness snapped.”

Levi exhales sharply. “That’s what fucking stopped you? Not the gaping hole in your side?”

Isabel grits her teeth. “You think a fucking stab wound would be enough to stop me when my little brother’s life is in danger? Go on, fuck off after him and give that bitch hell for me.”

Levi doesn’t have the words to tell her what she means to him. He doesn’t have the fucking capacity to tell her how grateful he is for what she’s done, risking life and limb to keep Eren safe while he was off obeying Erwin like a good little dog. He doesn’t have the fucking words and he never will, but…

“Thank you,” he tells her in a rush. “I’ll come back for you both. Isa, thank you, I love you.”

Isabel’s eyes widen with shock before flooding with such deep affection and understanding that Levi’s heart clenches with it. “I love you too, asshole, now _go_.”

Levi goes, ripping into the air like an arrow from a bow, towards the scream of Eren’s titan, leaving Isabel in Petra’s care. He doesn’t know the extent of her injuries, can’t even think about that right now, so he pushes everything else away until there is nothing but the hiss of his wires and the weight of his blades in his hands.

He rips through the trees in a rush, has to fire his anchors low to avoid the arcing swipe of a skinless arm the moment he clears the copse of trees lining the clearing the titans have bored into the forest with their vicious fighting, and everything is happening too quickly for Levi to parse. He grunts as he swings beneath the female titan’s arm, fires his anchors up to try and clear out of the way and get a good look at the battlefield below him, but before his gear can carry him, the female’s other arm comes crashing down to meet him.

All the breath in Levi’s body gets forced out of him in a painful rush as titan fingers close around his chest. He grunts, pained, hissing when he’s roughly jolted as Eren’s titan arm comes up to block the blow that would have destroyed his body if it had landed. With a screech, Eren shoves, pushing the female titan back as he darts away, Levi clutched tightly in his grip.

“Eren!” Levi shouts. “Let me go!”

Eren growls, eyes fixed on the female as she rights herself and raises her hands in preparation for another all out assault. His fingers tighten around Levi’s body and Levi grimaces, teeth grinding as Eren grips him tight enough to break bone. He doesn’t want to have to sever Eren’s fingers to get him to let go, but if Eren won’t let him fight, he doesn’t have a choice.

Eren releases him, thank fuck. He turns his hand before he does so Levi can get his bearings, knelt in Eren’s palm as they both of them watch the female with wary, assessing eyes, both human and titan.

“This isn’t going to be easy,” Levi grunts, raising his blades. “Can you keep her distracted? Try to pin her arms if you can, I need a shot at her nape.”

Eren grunts, dips his head once.

Alright then.

“Eren?”

A low growl of acknowledgment.

“Throw me.”

Eren’s fingers twitch. He makes a confused sound and Levi glances at him, reads the distress in his huge eyes as easily as he can when those eyes are human. It’s always his eyes. Levi would know him anywhere if he could just see those eyes, no matter what form he took. They’re the only eyes that have ever seen all of Levi, all his flaws, his weaknesses. Levi would know those eyes anywhere.

“Throw me up,” Levi clarifies, turning his gaze back to the female as she begins a slow advance. “Hard as you can.”

Eren rumbles an angry sound low in his throat but his fingers tighten and Levi braces himself, ducking low in his palm as the female lunges. With a powerful shift of his muscles, Eren launches Levi into the air, just as the female draws back to strike. Wind howls in Levi’s ears, drags at his clothing, and for a single, perfect second, there is nothing but flight and speed and exhilaration.

Time slows as Levi begins to fall, and this high up he can see everything that he needs to. Eren ducks as the female throws her fist forward, lunges for her middle and wraps his arms around her waist to try and topple her. The female bends over him, cinches her own arms around Eren’s hips to grapple with him and keep her balance. They lock together with twin screams of fury and Levi lets gravity pull him down, down, all the way back down.

The aim is off, he knew it would be, but it doesn’t matter. He can’t reach her nape, can’t alter his trajectory at this speed, but it doesn’t mean he can’t do some serious fucking damage. Using the momentum of his freefall, Levi twists his body into a vicious spiral, blades singing in his grip. He feels the moment they connect with the female titan's body because he’s moving too fast to see it, but the hot spray of titan blood against his face is viciously satisfying.

He’s hit her right arm, at the joint where it meets her shoulder, severs the muscle so deeply the limb falls away from Eren’s body like dead weight. It’s the window Eren needs and with a furious roar, Eren hefts her into his arms, throws her with all the power in his titan body, and sends her crashing into a distant tree trunk with enough force to topple the entire thing to the ground.

Levi’s hooks catch him before he can hit the ground and his body _burns_. He swings in a wide arc, muscles jarring painfully as his gear propels him forward, and he spins again, twists around the female’s left arm, slicing into flesh as he goes. Blood sprays from the gashes he leaves behind, soaking his clothes, burning his skin, but he doesn’t stop, rockets across the titan’s body in vicious waves, rending flesh with every twist of his blades.

He draws back for a moment as the female’s body falls limp, inhales deeply into burning lungs and watches as Eren grabs a handful of her hair, wrenches her head forward. He parts his jaws and Levi yells for him to bite and bite _hard_ , watches with savage glee as Eren dives forward to sink his teeth into the female’s nape.

Eren’s titan body shudders and his legs give out and Levi stares, unable to comprehend exactly what’s happened.

A beat passes. Then two, and Eren’s body sags, sinking to the forest floor with a rumbling thud.

The female titan moves her right arm - the one Levi attacked first, how the _fuck_ had she healed it so quickly? She pulls it slowly downwards and with a sickening squelch, pulls it free from Eren’s mouth. Her fingers are covered with hardened crystals, stained with titan blood, and with a crippling wave of nauseous certainty, Levi understands what’s happened.

She’d healed her arm and hardened her fingers into fucking weapons, tapered tips hardened into spears. As Eren had descended on her, mouth open to bite, she’d stabbed him right through the back of his mouth.

And right at the back of his mouth is his nape, where Eren’s human body is currently cocooned by titan flesh.

No. No, not like this. Not while Levi is _here_ , not while Levi is _fighting_. He’s already lost him once today, he _cannot lose him again._

A sound he’s never made before, a sound he shouldn’t be capable of, rips out of Levi in a shuddering, furious roar. It’s pain and grief and rage and Levi surges forwards in a hissing rush of gas and steel, something sparking inside his body into an inferno he cannot contain. He’s going to rip the bitch apart and torch the remains. He’s going to slice until she’s nothing more than a smear of blood on his blades. Every ounce of pain Levi’s been forced to endure today, he’s going to return a hundredfold.

He doesn’t know what parts of the female titan’s body he cuts into, just that his blades dig deep, pull free in a torrent of blood and steam. He moves faster than his body can handle, muscles burning and chest seizing as he struggles to breathe through the strain he’s forcing his body through but it doesn’t fucking matter. The bitch has to pay for what she’s done, she has to die, she has to fucking die and she has to die _screaming_.

The female titan’s body sags, slumping over onto Eren’s steaming corpse and Levi hears a wild, savage cry that chills his blood in his burning veins. It’s the sound of a wounded animal, terrified and agonised, shuddering and visceral and haunting in its intensity. The fact that it’s coming from his own abused lungs doesn’t even register, can’t touch the violent, bloodthirsty haze that’s clouding his fractured mind. All he knows is that the female’s nape is wide open and he’s going to destroy her.

His blades shear through flesh in a burst of heat and Levi draws back, ready to stab until there’s nothing left, but finally something breaks through his bloodlust, something so jarring he has to fire his anchors and draw back because he can’t fucking understand what he’s looking at.

Her nape is empty. There’s no one inside.

The wound is steaming, chucking off plumes of acrid mist, but even through the fog Levi can see that the wound he’s cut open has nothing below it. He drops a few meters closer, eyes wide, and he realises with a painful jab deep into his gut that he’s failed again.

All that’s left of the shifter is a single severed arm, fused to titan flesh, severed at the elbow.

The bitch has cut herself out.

He let her escape.

So blinded by rage and grief, he let her go.

Humanity’s fucking Strongest.

A fucking failure.

There’s nothing he can do. The numbness begins to creep back in and Levi lets it this time, doesn’t fight it. The numbness makes him practical where rage and grief have steered him wrong twice now. With slow, mechanical movements, Levi turns away from the female’s corpse, moves over to Eren’s titan where it’s slumped sideways on the forest floor. His nape is steaming but Levi doesn’t care. He steps in close, tries to breathe through the burning steam as it sears his skin and his lungs, moves the ragged titan hair away, cutting it from around the ruined nape. Even now Eren’s titan body is trying to regenerate, for all the good it will do.

But… No, that’s not right. If Eren was… If he were… If he was… If Eren were _dead_ then surely the body would disintegrate the way it does when Eren pulls himself free of it. Why would it try to heal if he’s…?

But that means…

Levi surges forwards, into the steam that scorches his skin, hacks away at the shaggy hair obscuring the bloody nape until Levi can get to it. Carefully, much more carefully than he feels capable of, he slices the ruined skin away, shuddering with the effort of raising his blades when his body wants to give up, but he has to know. 

The skin of the nape falls away in chunks, chucking off more steam and Levi’s nerves scream as his skin is boiled by the heat of it but he can’t stop now. He delves his hands into the bloody mess of skin and sinew, feels Eren’s human body beneath his burning palms so he grabs and _pulls_ with everything left in him. There’s heavy resistance, blood and muscle slowing his progress but Levi won’t give up. He pulls and he pulls and slowly, inch by inch, Eren’s body is released from the titan nape.

Levi topples backwards, dragging Eren’s body with him until they’re a bloody, steaming pile of limbs on the ground. Levi groans and rolls, hauling himself upright even as his body screams at him to stop moving, to lie still, but the moment he’s on his knees, he turns Eren over, pulls the stupid, brave brat into his arms and drags his cloak out of the way.

It’s bad. It’s so bad Levi’s mind tries to shy away from it. Eren’s torso is a mess, three huge holes speared into his slender body, gouge marks left by the hardened female’s fingers. If Levi were to put a hand to one, it would pass right through his body and out the other side and Levi feels like he’s going to be sick. The wounds are steaming, Levi can see the flesh and muscle rippling as it tries to knit back together, impossibly still trying to heal despite the sheer breadth of the trauma that’s been unleashed on it. 

It shouldn’t be possible, there’s no possible way Eren could have survived such an injury, but still his body shudders, sucking a gurgling, wet breath into ruined lungs and Levi nearly howls with relief.

He’s alive. His body is healing. 

He’s _alive_.


	60. Chapter 60

The survivors of the Levi Squad, those still able to walk at least, make a strange sight emerging from the forest on foot, but there’s no hope of getting airborne, not with their gas reserves almost completely depleted and half their number incapable of flying unassisted. Isabel’s hold on consciousness is spotty at best and Eren’s unlikely to wake any time soon with his torso perforated the way it is, so Levi and Petra have hitched their injured comrades onto their backs and made the unbelievably stupid decision to rejoin the scout formation on foot.

But for the first time today, luck seems to be on their side and they encounter no titans as they traverse the forest trail with their precious cargo, and not a word is spoken between them, which is a fucking mercy because Levi doesn’t think he could speak if he tried. Being so close to Eren’s steaming titan, fighting through the boiling mist to cut him out, driving his hands into searing titan flesh, has left marks on Levi’s body both inside and out. His forearms and chest are badly burned, the skin inflamed and blistered, and his throat is scalded so badly from inhaling the steam that it hurts to even breathe.

Still, though, he walks, Eren’s blisteringly hot body a reassuring weight against his back. Levi’s cloak and jacket are soaked through with blood, tugging uncomfortably at his skin as he moves, but he won’t voice a single complaint, wouldn’t even if he could. He came so close to ruin today. He’ll weather any discomfort, any pain, so that he never has to feel that kind of grief again.

They break through the line of trees fully not much later and their luck continues to hold. There are no titans patrolling the boundary of the forest, no live ones at least. There are a few steaming corpses dotted across the landscape, but it’s not the sight of their fallen enemies that nearly makes Levi’s knees buckle with relief, but the clustered group of scouts and wagons waiting impatiently for their arrival.

“Oh, thank god,” Petra gasps, shaky with exertion. “I was afraid they’d…”

“Wouldn’t,” Levi manages to croak, throat grating painfully. “Not without Eren.”

“Right,” Petra says, hitching Isabel higher up onto her back. The unconscious girl grunts but doesn’t wake. “Well, thank god for that. Really didn’t fancy our chances of outrunning any titans on foot. I’m sleeping the entire way back, goddamn it.”

Levi would agree if he could, but he knows that no matter how tired he is, how badly his body is crying out for sleep, he’s not going to be able to rest until the holes in Eren’s body have closed over and the brat is breathing easily again. Even now he’s gasping against the back of Levi’s neck, breaths hot and unsteady and painfully laboured while the lungs in his chest fight to knit back together. It’s a miracle that he’s even breathing at all, that his powers are strong enough to repair him, but Levi’s not going to question a fucking miracle. Not today.

They’re sighted by the lookouts shortly after breaking through the trees, and a cry goes up from those gathered. A few of the soldiers dash forward to meet them and Petra hands Isabel over to Nanaba before her own legs crumple. She’s caught by Mike and led away to one of the wagons, leaving Levi and Eren with a tired, sympathetic smile.

They try to take Eren from Levi, too, but Levi bares his teeth like a wild animal, moves past them without faltering though his body is crying out for relief and Eren, though slender, is nearly a hundred and fifty pounds of solid muscle. It doesn’t matter though. Levi can handle the weight. He’s made it this far without assistance, he can get Eren to a wagon without anyone interfering.

“Levi!” Hanji cries, dashing over with Moblit hot on their heels. They skid to a stop about a foot away, hands flapping like they want to reach out, but by the horrified expression on their face, the state of Levi’s skin is stopping them from touching him. “God, look at the state of you. Come on, give me Eren, we need to get you looked at.”

Ignoring the flashing burn of pain that lances up his throat, Levi manages to drag enough of a breath into his scorched lungs to growl at them. “Not a- _Chance.”_

Hanji gives him a deeply disapproving glare. “You’re injured and you need help. I’m not going to hurt him, let me help you both.”

“Fuck. _Off.”_

“Hanji,” Moblit says, ever the fucking voice of reason. He tugs them back with a hand on their arm. “Let them through. Levi’s made it this far without us.”

Hanji looks like they’re going to argue, but a glance at Levi has them sighing deeply and relenting. They beckon to Levi with a quick curl of their fingers, lead him over to one of the empty wagons so that he can set Eren down inside. It’s difficult and Levi’s body screams with exertion and pain, but he manages to get Eren settled in the back, stuffing his own cloak beneath his head and sagging back with a pained grunt.

“Oh my god,” Hanji breathes once Eren is laid out, staring in horror at the gouge marks in his chest. “How…?”

“Female,” Levi grunts, holding up three fingers pressed tightly together. “Hardened. Through nape, into his body.” His words are clipped, burning all the way up his throat, but it’s all he can manage and he deserves so much worse.

Hanji clutches their own chest, makes a horrified sound low in their throat. “Oh, god the poor thing. How is he still breathing?!”

Levi shrugs, doesn’t care to explain much now lest his words halt the healing process Eren’s body is struggling through. He doesn’t want to tempt fate, to do anything that might stop Eren from healing altogether. All he can do right now is wait, and it may kill him to do so, but god he’s going to be right here until Eren opens his eyes again. Decided, Levi gently slips a hand under Eren’s head, lifts both him and the cloak and shifts until Eren’s head is resting on his knees. He can keep better watch like this.

“Isabel,” Levi grunts at Hanji. “Blade in her side. Help?”

“You don’t want-”

“Mikasa.”

Hanji nods. “Okay. I’ll send her over.”

“Thanks. Armin?”

“Alive. Bit of a concussion, but otherwise sound.”

Levi exhales in a rush, shoulders sagging. “Good.”

Though it looks like they desperately want to ask more questions, Hanji’s not stupid, can see that Levi’s in no state to handle their customary barrage of boundary-crossing demands. They retreat with Moblit in tow, towards the wagon Isabel and Petra are sat in, and thus satisfied that those dearest to him are safe, Levi returns his attention back to the man in his arms.

Ignoring the ruined mess of his chest, Eren just looks like someone wracked with a particularly bad fever. His skin is flushed, feverish, but other than that and the deep frown set into his brows, he could pass for well enough. Levi’s careful not to touch the twitching wounds in his torso, keeps his hands on Eren’s shoulders, hopes that even though Eren’s unconscious he knows that Levi’s nearby, that he’s safe now. It’s all he can fucking do.

They’re only disturbed once when Mikasa climbs into the wagon, a heavy burlap sack in her arms. Levi glances at her, sees her twisted, horrified expression, and can’t do much else other than reach out a bloodstained hand to her to help her climb up into the wagon. She grips his fingers tightly for a moment and Levi just shakes his head with a grunt. She understands and doesn’t ask, just kneels down on Eren’s left and begins emptying the sack of the bandages and salves no doubt thrust onto her by Hanji. A moment later the wagon jolts as Erwin gives the order to depart for the walls.

“Are you going to take my hands off if I touch him?” Mikasa asks in a piss-poor attempt at levity, but it’s appreciated all the same. Levi grunts, shakes his head, and peels Eren’s torn cloak away from his torso so that Mikasa can get to the wounds underneath.

“Don’t touch too much,” Levi cautions her quietly. “Let him heal. Blood, though.”

“You sound awful,” Mikasa tells him, shoving a canteen into his chest. “What happened?”

“Inhaled titan steam. Don’t recommend.”

Mikasa snorts. “Noted.” She shakes her head and Levi’s not surprised to see that she’s crying feely, tears slopping off her face in heavy rivulets. Even so, her hands don’t shake as she peels Eren’s shirt away from his skin, picks torn fabric carefully away from the worst of the wounds, and though her shoulders hitch with the weight of her grief, not once does she falter.

“Sorry,” Levi murmurs. “Should have… Been faster.”

“Shut up,” Mikasa tells him, wetting a cloth and setting about wiping away the worst of the blood, careful to keep to the edges of the holes in Eren’s flesh. “You brought him back.”

“Let him get hurt.” He unscrews the cap on the canteen, considers not drinking it at all and suffering through the pain, but Mikasa deserves an explanation and it’ll be easier to talk with his throat at least a little soothed. He drinks, carefully, and the cold water is an immediate and overwhelming relief. “Shouldn’t have left him with the others. Squad’s dead.”

“I’m sorry,” Mikasa murmurs. “What… What happened?”

As well as he can manage, Levi tells her. It’s stilted and painful and Levi tastes blood with every hoarse word, but as well as he can he tells Mikasa of their failure to contain the female titan, the ensuing pursuit, the battling titans. All through it Mikasa works tirelessly to clean the blood from Eren’s body, a losing battle because his injuries are still oozing, but at least the rate of healing is holding steady, no faster or slower than it had been in the forest. The exit wounds in his back are closed, thank god, and from the sound of it at least one of his lungs is working properly again.

“We lost them?” Mikasa asks, fury twisting her expression. “After all that, they got away?”

Levi nods, rage prickling along his burned skin. “Cut out before I could get them. Left arm behind.”

Mikasa curses. “All of that for nothing… What do we do now? We can’t put Eren through that again.”

No, they fucking can’t, and Levi’s ready to fight back at any order Erwin wants to give. Let the fucking MPs come, between himself and Mikasa, they don’t stand a fucking chance of getting anywhere _near_ Eren. She might not be Levi’s biggest fan, but he knows he has her support where it counts. And he can’t exactly blame her for disliking him. He’s hurt Eren so many fucking times, failed to protect him just as many, back when they were idiot trainees and Eren’s face got smashed in, when Levi hurt him in the courtroom, when Levi nearly pushed Eren away because he was trying so hard not to love him. And today, twice today Eren nearly died because Levi wasn’t fast enough. He can’t fucking blame Mikasa for-

“I’m glad you’re alright,” Mikasa says, reaching up to grasp Levi’s shoulder tightly. “Thank you for bringing him back to me. Isabel, too. I’m… I’m so glad you’re okay.”

...Huh. Well, wouldn’t be the first time Levi’s misjudged her. “Thanks,” he says, hoping she’ll blame the thickness of his tone on the fact that his throat has basically half melted inside his fucking gullet.

“You should rest,” she tells him, tossing away soiled cloths for clean ones and beginning the laborious process of cleaning Eren’s chest anew. “If you can, I know you’re weird about sleep.”

He is not “weird about sleep”, he just doesn’t need as much as everyone else, never has. And as much as sleep sounds fucking beautiful right now, he just can’t. Not until Eren’s eyes open, not until his chest stops looking like a fucking slab of honeycomb.

Great, now Levi’s never going to be able to eat honey again without picturing that. God, he’s _so_ fucking tired.

“I mean it,” Mikasa presses. “He’s not going to wake up any time soon, he’ll probably go into shock if he does and we’ll have to put him out anyway. You’ve done your part, you’ve kept him safe. Rest now. I promise I’ll wake you if there’s any change.”

Levi wants to refuse, but he’s so fucking tired and in far too much pain to be reasonable. He grunts unhappily, nods because he really can’t handle speaking right now. All he has to do is lean back slightly, rest his back against the side of the wagon. He doesn’t even really have to move. Eren’s head is still pillowed in his lap, chest still sending wisps of white steam curling above their heads, and Mikasa’s here to watch over him. He’s safe now, it’s alright.

“Thanks,” Levi manages to wheeze out, eyes already slipping closed.

He snaps awake what feels like only a few seconds later, feeling like he’s been trampled by horses, Mikasa’s hand tight on his arm. It takes him a moment to get his bearings, far longer than it usually does, but the groaning creak of wall Rose’s gate closing is enough to clue him in to their whereabouts before his mind can start to panic. Eren’s still healing, head still resting in Levi’s lap, though now there are only two bloody holes in his torso rather than three, one in his stomach and one in his abdomen, and his chest, though blood-stained and badly bruised, is whole once more.

He’s breathing easier, too. Thank god.

“We’re safe,” Mikasa murmurs, releasing his arm before he has to shake her off. “Won’t be much longer and we’ll be back at HQ.”

“Keep your head down,” Levi grumbles, voice barely above a broken whisper. He winces, reaches for the canteen for another painful swallow of cold water. “Return trip’s always grim.”

“I know,” Mikasa says, eyes hard. “We used to watch the scouts come back as kids.”

“Yeah?”

She hums. “Back in Shiganshina. Eren used to drag me along religiously, every month. We’d watch them ride out, and watch them limp back in. I always hoped it would turn him away, seeing how badly they failed, but every time it just…” She sighs. “Well, you know what he’s like.”

He does. He doubts that anything would have turned Eren’s heart away from the scouts, honestly. The kid’s a fucking menace when he sets his heart on something he wants, won’t be turned away by anything. It’s almost funny to think that Levi’s included in the things Eren just won’t let go of. He’s ridiculously glad of that strange little fact.

“What did you-” He breaks off with a wheezing cough into his elbow, takes another swig of water to ease the burn. “What did you want?”

Mikasa looks at him oddly. “What do you mean?”

“Didn’t want to be a scout,” Levi says. “So what _do_ you want?”

Mikasa looks a little lost to be asked such a question and Levi can’t really blame her. He’s not sure why he asked, really, just that he’s curious to know what Mikasa would have chosen if her idiotic brother hadn’t been so set on the survery corps. She’s skilled, ridiculously so. She could have done anything and succeeded.

“I don’t know,” she says after a long moment. “I think… I’d have wanted to live like my parents. A quiet life in the countryside. Farming the food I needed, hunting if I wanted, just… Living.”

“Inside the walls?”

“Yes.” She shakes her head. “I’m not… I never cared. I still don’t, really. I understand why people like Eren and Isabel want to be free, but… There’s nothing wrong with living your life as well as you can. You don’t have to change the world to give your life meaning. You can find happiness anywhere, if you look.”

It’s an incredibly good point. Mikasa’s suffered a lot in her life, moreso than many other people even twice her age. Losing two sets of parents, her home, nearly losing her brother countless times, yet not once has Levi ever seen her falter. She retreats into herself sometimes, gets quiet and almost broody when she’s mad, but her sense of self is vibrant, strong. She never bows under the weight of grief on her shoulders, never bends her neck or her back, always carries herself high and never once breaks her stride.

It’s strange, but for some reason, she reminds Levi of his mother. Not in a maternal way, god, there’s nothing maternal about Mikasa. Just that she’s a vicious force of nature when she wants to be, though the depth of her compassion is impossibly vast. She also has a whip-sharp mind and a refreshingly dry sense of humour. Levi can see a lot of himself in her, too. So maybe he shouldn’t be surprised that they actually don’t get on too badly.

“Still, though,” Levi murmurs. “How ‘bout when it’s all over? Cottage in the forest? Gaggle of screaming brats?”

Mikasa grimaces. “No? Maybe? Never thought about it.”

“Maybe you should. Not ‘bout the kids, but…” He wheezes. “‘Bout what would make you happy.”

He doesn’t know why he’s saying this shit, other than he’s desperate to be distracted from the shitshow of the day’s events. That, and he wants to know exactly what goes on inside Mikasa’s head that makes her act the way she does. He can understand devoting yourself to someone you care about, wanting to protect them no matter the cost. Fuck knows he’s got a fucking list of people he’s now got to keep both eyes on because they’re fucking danger magnets, but Mikasa’s so young, has so much potential, and Levi needs to make sure she knows it.

“I try not to think too much about the future,” Mikasa says softly. “I’ve always tried so hard to stay in the present. Hoping… Hurts. You know?”

Levi nods. Yeah. He knows. He knows so fucking well how bad hope can hurt if you let it take over. But that’s not fucking fair, is it? They should be allowed to fucking hope for things, they should be _allowed_ to dream of futures where they don’t have to fight. Levi’s been a scout for close to two years now and he always figured this was it for him, fighting until he couldn’t swing a blade any longer. But then Eren had to come for his fucking life with his talk of exploring the world outside the walls and Levi wants it so bad he feels he might fucking die.

“Do me a favour?” Levi asks. Mikasa looks at him, frowns, but to his surprise she nods. He really has underestimated her favour towards him, it seems. “Find something that makes you happy. Something that’s just yours. And don’t let it go.”

Mikasa’s eyes glint oddly, a strange little smile twisting her lips. “Eren’s really done a number on you, hasn’t he? You were such a miserable bastard before.”

Levi snorts. “Still am. But I have my moments, I guess.”

“It’s good,” Mikasa assures him. “Weird, but good. I like you more now than I did when we were cadets.”

“Thanks?”

She shrugs. “I didn’t trust you. Can you blame me?”

“Not really. I don’t think I’m that different, though. What changed?”

Mikasa glances down at Eren. Levi follows her gaze, can’t quite stop himself from reaching out, brushing the backs of his fingers over one feverish cheek. When he looks up again, Mikasa’s eyes are soft, gentle in a way Levi’s not used to seeing. Even more strangely, the affection isn’t just directed at Eren. It’s directed at _him,_ too.

“You’re weird,” she tells him, still smiling. “But it’s our kind of weird, so you fit in just fine. Once you get past all your… quirks, you’re not half bad to be around.”

It’s the highest compliment she could have paid him. Levi doesn’t quite know what to make of it. “Thanks, I think.”

“You’re welcome. Just a fair warning, though. If you ever hurt my brother, no one will _ever_ find your body.”

Levi believes her.

* * *

Their sorry little convey rolls into the courtyard of the castle just after dusk and Levi’s never been happier to see the old battlements than he is now. HQ promises, at the very least, proper medical care for the wounded and a shower for Levi, which he wants with such dizzying fervour that he feels a little bit lightheaded about it.

Mariska and her assistants converge on them the moment the wagons roll to a stop. Levi has neither the strength nor the energy left to fight them and Mikasa isn’t willing to let him hop back onto his particular brand of bullshit, so she holds him back while Mariska and her lackeys get Eren and Isabel loaded onto stretchers and carried away. Double quick, Levi, Petra, and Mikasa hurry after them, unwilling to be parted no matter what.

The medics need time to prepare the infirmary for the removal of the blade from Isabel’s side, which means they have to set Isabel on a cot in one of the anterooms off the main corridor. Mariska’s already striding off and shouting orders, leaving Levi and the women standing in the room with their unconscious loved ones and completely unsure of what to do.

Isabel’s unconscious, but breathing, though her skin is sickly pale and slick with sweat. By contrast, Eren’s skin is burning hot and dry everywhere that Mikasa has managed to clean the blood from. His wounds are no longer bleeding so freely and the wound in his abdomen is almost fully closed, but until his skin is whole again Levi’s not going to be able to rest easy.

Petra, too, is unwilling to leave, and Levi’s never felt such a kinship with her before as he does now; when both of their hearts are lying unresponsive on their makeshift cots. He’d like to offer her some words of comfort, not only as her Captain but as her friend, but his throat really is shot to shit and even worse, he’s coming up blank for any kind of platitude.

Doesn’t matter, though, Petra’s not really paying him any attention. She’s wiping down Isabel’s sweaty face with a cool cloth, murmuring softly under her breath, words that Levi tunes out because it seems horrifically impolite to listen in. Mikasa takes up position at Eren’s bedside and Levi hovers, completely at a loss for what to do with himself. His concentration is fractured and unsteady, mind refusing to focus or settle or so anything even remotely fucking useful, but does, however, manage to gather enough presence of mind to fetch a pitcher of water for the three of them, mainly because tea is too much effort right now and drinking anything hot is probably a recipe for disaster.

Goddamn it.

The door bursts open not ten minutes later, Hanji and Mariska barrelling in with Farlan hot on their heels. Farlan spares Levi a brief glance, nods at him once in greeting and sympathy, before he and Mariska lift Isabel between them and whisk her away, Petra left standing slightly shellshocked in their wake.

“It’s alright,” Hanji soothes her, pulling Petra into a tight embrace. “They just need to get the blade out. She’s going to be just fine, don’t you worry.”

Petra nods, face crumpling, and not a second later she’s sobbing into Hanji’s shoulder like the sounds are being ripped out of her, propped up by the section commander as the day’s events finally come crashing down. Levi stands there awkwardly, completely at a loss for what to do and feeling inordinately grateful that today hasn’t managed to hit him as badly. Not yet, anyway. Actually, it probably never will if Levi has anything to fucking say about it. He doesn’t have time to fall apart, doesn’t have that luxury. Today and everything that comes with it is going to be shoved into that dark corner of Levi’s mind where all the other shit lurks, and he’s going to bar the fucking door so it can’t ever get out.

Problem solved.

“That’s it,” Hanji is saying, patting Petra’s back gently. “It’s alright, there, there. You did so well. You fought admirably. Let the medics take care of her now, hm?”

Petra wails and Levi winces at the sheer volume of it. He can’t exactly blame her, but he’s so unequipped to deal with anything like this. Thank god for Hanji, at least. They’re insane, but at least they’re able to offer comfort relatively easily.

“Now, Petra,” Hanji says, firmly but not unkindly. They move back, hands on Petra’s shoulders. I want you to go get yourself cleaned up, go get something to eat, then come back here and let me take a look at your ankle, okay? By the time you’ve done that, I’m sure we’ll have some news about Isabel and we can wait together. Right, Levi?”

Levi looks up, startled. “What.”

“You’ll wait with us, won’t you? You don’t mind us sitting in here with you and our dear Eren, do you?”

“Uh, no?”

“Good!” Hanji beams at him. “Now off you go, Petra. Take your time, it’s going to be okay.”

Petra drags her sleeve over her face, shoulders shaking as she composes herself. Testament to her strength of will as a soldier, it only takes a moment, and when she moves her arm away from her face, her expression is no longer twisted with grief. She looks… not quite calm, but resolute, and she nods to Hanji, salutes Levi, and slips out of the room.

Levi stares after her for a moment, bewildered by her strength, and is about to settle by Eren’s side when Mikasa is suddenly in his face, shoving his shoulders with enough force that he actually has to take a step back.

“Go clean up,” she tells him like she’s not ordering a superior officer around. “And before you argue with me, you know Mariska’s not going to let you stay within fifty feet of the infirmary while you’re in such a state. Your dirt’s got dirt on it.”

Levi’s mouth twists with acute distaste, but she’s right, damn it. If Levi wants to stand any chance of getting Mariska to let him in to see Isabel and stay with Eren, he’s going to need to be clean. Which he desperately wants to be, he can’t deny that, but it feels like there’s a chain fastened somewhere deep beneath his ribs, tugging painfully towards where Eren is lying, broken and unconscious. Levi needs to be near him, he wants to stay, but it won’t do anyone any good if he makes a nuisance of himself now.

“Fine,” he grits out. “Ten minutes. I’ll be back.”

“Go,” Mikasa says, nudging him. “I’ll keep watch while you’re gone.”

Levi doesn’t have the energy to dash off, but he definitely hurries towards his quarters, already working on unfastening his harness as he goes. By the time he’s crossing the threshold of his room, he’s able to dump his gear, harness and all, onto the floor, along with his sodden cloak and jacket. He’s so out of it that he doesn’t even care that he’s leaving a trail of soiled clothes all the way to the washroom, decides firmly that that’s a problem for _future_ Levi, and all but throws himself into the shower stall.

He absolutely shouldn’t use hot water, but the idea of a cold shower is so viscerally affronting to him that his mind recoils from the concept before he can even consider it. He doesn’t have the water nearly as hot as he normally would, but it’s still warm enough that a strangled groan slips out of his throat the moment he steps under the spray. It hurts, it really fucking hurts, but it’s good at the same time, aggravating his skin but soothing his aching muscles all at once, and though he’s probably doing himself more damage, at least he’ll be clean at the end of it.

He works quickly, cleans off the blood and dirt and sweat, rakes fingers through his hair until the water runs clear instead of sickly brown. The moment his body is clean and he can’t handle a second longer of the hot water against his blistered skin he shuts it off and steps out, towelling himself dry with far less care than he should. The rough fabric catches and tears at a couple of blisters on his chest but he really doesn’t care. He pulls on the loosest shirt and pants that he owns, shoves his feet into the only pair of shoes that aren’t his uniform boots, and heads back down to the infirmary.

The infirmary’s going to be overflowing with their injured by now, Levi hasn’t even considered how the rest of their comrades are faring, he just doesn’t have the fucking capacity right now. Every beat of his heart is Eren’s name, a mantra he can’t ignore, and he takes the stairs two at a time, all the while ignoring the creeping sense of dread prickling down his spine. He ignores all of the traitorous thoughts that are whispering about _too late_ and refuses to let them in, but still they linger at the fringes of his consciousness.

“Levi!”

He wouldn’t have stopped if Hanji hadn’t lunged for him, wrapping a hand around his injured forearm tight enough to make him hiss. They don’t let go, though, just look at him as though they’ve proved a point Levi hadn’t even known they were trying to make. “Thought so. Come with me.”

“Like fuck,” Levi wheezes at them. “I need-”

“Mariska’s got Isabel,” Hanji tells him. “They’re removing the blade now, you won’t be able to see her until they’re done. Petra’s with Farlan, you don’t need to be there right now.”

“Eren-”

“Is healing steadily. Mikasa and Armin are with him. _You_ need to have those burns looked at. So come with me.”

Levi wants to fight them, but his skin really is starting to feel like it’s stretched too tightly over his bones. He should really let Hanji have a look before infection can set in or worse, and as much as he wants to see Isabel and Eren, there really is no need for him right now. What could is he, standing silent at their bedsides, when he couldn’t keep them safe outside the walls?

“Fine,” he relents, wrenching his arm out of Hanji’s grip. “Quick, though.”

“Of course,” they say, beckoning for him to follow. They lead him into one of the old storerooms that’s been stuffed with two cots that haven’t yet been occupied by their injured, and Hanji wastes no time in badgering Levi to take his shirt off and lie down.

“Unnecessary,” he grumbles, wincing as the fabric catches one of the burst blisters. Hanji tsks at him, takes the shirt and sets it aside.

“Just lie down, let me work.”

“You’re not- a doctor.”

“Might as well be. Now shush.”

Levi lies down slowly, exhales and… God, he just needs to rest his eyes for a moment. That’s all. Just a few seconds and he’ll be able to keep vigil over Eren while he heals. He’s worse than useless right now, while he’s so tired and sluggish he feels as though he’s moving backwards his mind’s going so slow. Just a moment of rest and he’ll be able to keep fighting. He can let Hanji work for a bit, and maybe get some fucking rest while he can.

He doesn’t really get any rest, though, because Hanji starts poking his face and if he weren’t so stiff and fucking exhausted, he’d take their hands off for that. He cracks one heavy-lidded eye open, and they’re not poking so much as… rubbing, running their fingers all over his cheek and it’s not… bad, just weird, because their fingers are coated in something… goopy. And that’s where Levi draws the line, because no matter how tired he is, he’s not having weird shit slathered across his face when he’s barely awake enough to see.

“The fuck are you doing?” He croaks, shoving at them. “The fuck is that?”

Hanji hums, leans in with more of that weird goop on their fingers. “Hold still, I’m treating your burns.”

“Not until you tell me what the fuck that is.”

“Burn salve. It’s aloe, honey, and calendula. Don’t be such a baby.”

Somewhat mollified, Levi stops shoving at them, holds still as Hanji resumes coating his skin with the salve that is actually blessedly cool against his sore skin. It’s not particularly relaxing because Levi can’t fucking stand having other people’s hands on his skin, but Hanji’s methodical about the whole thing so Levi can’t help but be lulled into a half-relaxed state by their ministrations.

Hanji clicks their tongue, frowning unhappily as they take in the state of Levi’s arms, now covered in a thick layer of salve. “Should have treated this sooner,” they say. “Nothing for it, I’m afraid. You need to be careful, it may scar. Did you have a hot shower, you colossal idiot?”

“Yes,” Levi huffs. “Wanted to be clean.”

They smack him round the head. “You’ve probably set yourself back about a week, you know. Cold showers from now on. Hanji’s orders.”

“Fuck off,” he grumbles.

“I mean it! Cold showers, once a day, every other day if you can manage it, you clean freak. And a layer of salve every morning and every night. Otherwise it’ll blister and scar and turn sceptic and your skin will fall off.”

“I don’t think that’s right.”

“But do you want to risk it?”

“...No.”

He lets them continue, though it’s still a laborious process, letting Hanji rub that salve across the worst of the burns on his chest now, but once there’s a thick layer of it covering every inch of the angry welts in his skin, Hanji helps him sit up and begins to bind soft, clean bandages around his chest and forearms to help stave off infection. It’s the most uncomfortable sensation, having such thick salve on his skin, covered by the cloth of the bandages, and his skin prickles with disgust underneath the cloying sensation, but he probably couldn’t handle another hot shower right now.

“It’ll do,” Hanji finally says, tying off the bandages. “Feel okay?”

“No,” Levi grumbles. “Throat’s fucked.”

“Thought as much. I have lukewarm water and honey. Nothing hot, okay?”

“Mm.” He takes the offered cup, sipping it gingerly, and sighs when it soothes his throat considerably. “Thanks.”

“My pleasure. Now finish that and I’ll take you to E-”

Levi downs the contents of the cup. “Let’s go.”

Hanji sighs for a solid thirty seconds. “Alright, I set myself up for that one, really. Come on then, you impatient bastard.”

Levi gets to his feet somewhat stiffly, range of movement hindered somewhat by the bandages covering his arms and chest. He reaches for his shirt, grimaces as Hanji has to help him get it over his head, and though his ears burn with shame, Hanji doesn’t comment. They do, however, touch his shoulder softly, a sad smile on their face.

“I should have followed you,” they say softly. “I knew I should have.”

“Couldn’t have done anything,” Levi grunts, nudging them gently. “Would’ve gotten yourself killed.” He swallows. “My squad…”

“We fetched them,” Hanji tells him and Levi sighs with relief. “And your horses, too. All safe. Well… You know what I mean.”

“Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it. Come on, let’s get you to your better half, hm? Oh.” They pause, grimacing. “So, uh. Just a heads up.”

“Mm?”

“Erwin might… Well, he might know.”

“...Ah.”

It’s to be expected, really. Levi didn’t leave Eren’s side for the whole ride back, growled at the scouts who tried to take Eren from him when they joined up with the rest of their ranks. If Erwin hadn’t caught on, Levi would probably start doubting his intelligence.

Well, whatever. Nothing to be done about it now. Nothing to be done about it ever, it’s not like Erwin’s going to be able to lecture Levi into not loving Eren anymore. The damage - if you can even call it that - is already done.

The room Eren’s in is just off the main hall, down the far end of the east wing, so he’s not been moved while Levi’s been gone. The sconces on the wall are burning low and this far into the castle there’s nothing but silence, which is more foreboding than peaceful while Levi’s so out of his mind with nauseating concern for his family. His mind is cracked right down the middle, half of it with Isabel and half of it with Eren, and he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to divide his worry between the two of them. Hopefully once he’s seen Eren he’ll be able to breathe a little easier.

Mikasa and Armin are inside, the latter with a thick bandage bound around his head, and Levi claps him on the shoulder briefly in passing before he makes a beeline for Eren’s bedside. He’s still steaming faintly, breathing shallowly, but his skin has lost some of that feverish glow, no longer an angry red but closer to the warm, healthy tan he usually bears.

He’s shirtless, too, so his wounds can knit back together unhindered. Levi steps in close, stands there numbly for a moment, unable to reach out or move away. He’s not quite sure what to feel right now, can’t be relieved until Eren’s awake, can’t worry freely because he’s breathing and healing steadily, so he really doesn’t know what the fuck he’s meant to do with himself. He’s worse than useless right now, has been all fucking day, and he just can’t fucking cope.

“Levi,” Hanji says. “Will you let me take a look at him?”

“Don’t…” Levi closes his eyes. “Yeah. Just don’t… Don’t hurt him. Even unintentionally.”

“Never would,” Hanji promises, rolling their sleeves up. “I might not have a piece of paper stating fancy qualifications on it, but I know my way around a sickbed. Mariska’s dealing with people whose bodies don’t heal as quickly, and while she’s occupied, I’m the next best thing. I _am_ the resident expert on Eren’s physiology. Well.” They waggle their eyebrows salaciously. “Scientifically speaking. In more intimate ways, I’ll have to concede to your expertise.”

That, of all things, manages to pull a pained, reluctant laugh out of Levi. Mikasa makes a disgusted sound from behind him and Armin snickers childishly, and the sound of their playful amusement helps to lighten the oppressive atmosphere of the room considerably.

“I hate you so much,” Levi tells Hanji, clapping them roughly on the shoulder. “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it,” they say, hurrying round to the other side of Eren’s cot. “Now, let’s be having a look at you… Oh, poor thing… Right through the chest. Such a fighter, you should be proud…”

Levi collapses onto the spare chair by Eren’s bedside, the one not occupied by Mikasa, too tired to listen to Hanji’s insane ramblings as they work over Eren, poking and prodding with more care than Levi’s ever seen from them. Good thing, too, he’s too fucking tired to take their hands off if they get overexcited and do more damage. But it’s a needless concern, Hanji adores Eren, he couldn’t be safer than in her hands, and Levi wouldn’t be fucking surprised if Hanji actually was hiding some sort of medical qualification under all that crazy.

“Mikasa,” Armin says softly. “I need to speak to Commander Erwin. Will you come with me?”

“I don’t-”

“You need sleep as much as the rest of us,” Armin tells her. “Don’t be stubborn. You can check on Eren in the morning. He’s not going to be alone.”

She sighs heavily but complies, and Levi doesn’t have nearly enough brainpower to be curious about what Armin could possibly need to speak to the Commander about now of all times. No doubt he’ll either hear it from Erwin or Armin himself in a day or so, once they’ve recovered from that mess of an expedition. Right now, all Levi wants to do is sit and wait for Eren’s eyes to open again. If he manages to rest at some point before then, all the better.

He must drift off at some point, though, because when he snaps back into awareness, Hanji’s shaking his arm gently and pushing a cup of more of that honey-infused warm water into his hands. He sips it distractedly, sitting up further in his seat and glancing at Eren with restless eyes.

“Easy does it,” Hanji says round a jaw-cracking yawn. “It’s only been a couple hours.”

Levi frowns. He can’t have been out for that long, surely, he just closed his eyes for a moment. Whatever, it doesn’t matter. He shakes himself, downs the warm liquid that soothes the scratching itch from his throat more than it had earlier, and drags his aching body out of the chair so he can perch carefully on his bedside. The sky outside the window is already brightening with dawn’s light, which means that while Levi was convalescing, Hanji’s been standing vigil in his stead.

“Finally done cooking,” Hanji says, yawning again. “Breathing’s nice and even, heartbeat steady, all closed up and ready for church.”

Levi snorts, brushing a hand over Eren’s chest, relieved to see that Hanji’s right and it’s wonderfully whole once more. All that remains of his grievous injuries, is a smattering of bruises over his torso that are already beginning to fade. Levi heaves a sigh of relief so heavy that Hanji grips his shoulder tightly, squeezing reassuringly.

“Isabel’s resting,” Hanji tells him. “Successfully de-bladed. No sign of infection, either, so that’s a relief. Petra’s with her and Farlan. He stopped by earlier but I sent him off. You needed the rest. He’s not a happy chappy, but you can’t really blame him.”

“She awake?”

“Isabel? No. But she’s stable, and that’s all that matters. Poor thing deserves to sleep for a week, honestly. I think we all do. And if it’s quite alright with you, I think I might go do just that.”

“Go,” Levi tells them. “And thanks. For… Everything.”

Hanji smiles softly. “You aren’t the only one who loves him, Levi. I care for that boy like he’s my own. Before I go, though, are you hungry?”

“No. Thanks for… watching over him. I can take it from here.”

“You should get some more rest.”

“Probably. Can't.”

Hanji sighs. “Alright, but… Don’t strain yourself. You dragged yourself through hell yesterday. You need to rest properly or you’ll get sick.”

“I’ll be fine.”

Maybe he will, maybe he won’t, but he doesn’t deserve sleep. Some fucking Captain he turned out to be. Nearly half his squad are dead, the rest all injured, and Levi doesnt fucking know what he’s supposed to do now. A good soldier would report to command for orders, he’s able to walk as badly as he’s hurting, he’s still able to work, if he pushes himself. But the last thing he wants right now is to face Erwin, if only because Levi’s afraid he may actually snap and kill him if he misspeaks.

That, and nothing is going to be able to take Levi from Eren’s side right now. Isabel will be in Mariska’s care for the next few hours while she recovers and there’s nothing more they can do for Eren until he wakes up.

He will, though. He’s a fighter and he’s gotten through the worst of it, somehow. All Levi has to do now is wait.


	61. Chapter 61

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wooooo, sorry about the wait there. This week at work has been MANIC. But here I am, back and ready to GO.

Eren regains consciousness in the space of a single second, absent one moment and aware the next, with none of the customary confusion that should accompany such a deep sleep. There’s no lethargic drag of exhaustion weighing Eren down when he comes back to himself, no weariness clinging to his body trying to pull him back down into sleep. He wakes as though perfectly well-rested, unconscious to fully aware in an instant, and though he feels fine physically, the state of his mind is another matter entirely.

There’s no adjustment period between wakefulness and sleep, he doesn’t get that sleepy moment of disorientation as his mind comes back to him. The moment he stirs, everything comes crashing down with enough force to break him; the expedition’s ruin, the loss of their quarry, Eren’s own bitter failure to protect himself and the ones he loves. Almost cruelly, consciousness rushes in and, with it, the inescapable realisation that he should not be alive. The failure, the death of his squad, the fact that the female titan had punctured his body so viciously and nearly destroyed him, he recalls it all perfectly and he can’t get away from it.

He jerks upright with a strangled gasp, hands flying up to clutch at his chest as phantom pain ripples through his body, the sensation of bones crumbling and skin tearing a jagged burn in his memory. Suddenly it's all he can remember, the agony and a deafening, echoing howl of pain and rage that hadn’t come from his own lips. It freezes his thoughts, seizes his body, and he chokes on a scream that his lungs are too new to let out.

“Eren! Eren, it’s alright, I’ve got you, you’re okay!”

Hands grip him tightly by the shoulders, firm and unyielding, fingernails biting into overly sensitive skin. It hurts and Eren’s glad for it, because _this_ pain - _real_ pain - gives him something to focus on, something tangible, that helps to dull the phantom injuries that are no longer carved into his skin.

It’s a laborious process, getting his breathing and his heartbeat under control, but those hands don’t release him until he can drag in and shudder out a full, heavy breath. When he comes back to himself enough to open his eyes, Mikasa’s concerned face swims into view above his own, expression twisted with worry and ringed with bruises from too-little sleep. She waits until he can drag another deep breath past dry lips, then slowly removes her weight from his shoulders.

“Sorry,” Eren chokes out. He reaches for her hand clumsily and she takes it between both of hers, holding fast. His skin aches everywhere they touch and he winces at the oversensitivity of it. Just how badly was he injured? The last moments of his fight against the female are spotty at best, overridden by pain and fear, so he doesn’t know the extent of the damage he’s recovered from. Judging by the haunted look in Mikasa’s eyes, it was bad.

But he’s alive and healed so it doesn’t fucking matter. What matters is that Mikasa’s here, perfectly well, uninjured as far as Eren can tell, and he’s so pleased to see her his eyes prickle and he has to grit his teeth against the sob that rips up through his throat. She’s in his arms in the next moment, clinging to him tightly as he buries his face in her shoulder, weeping softly into his hair. She tells him that it’s alright, that their friends are safe, because she knows him and knows that he doesn’t need reassurance for himself. Eren knows he’s alive, knows he’s not injured, it’s not his condition he cares about.

“Isabel’s just fine,” Mikasa says, wiping away Eren’s tears and ignoring her own. “They took the blade out, she woke up not that long ago. She’s grouchy and in pain, but she’ll make a full recovery.”

“Armin-”

“Also fine. Just a concussion, which has already passed. He’s just fine, Eren. Petra’s got a broken ankle, but she’s fine, too. Jean and the others are all okay. Hanji and Moblit are safe. We’re all okay. It’s alright.” She touches his face softly, gives him a small and shaky but sincere smile. “You took a bad beating. You’ve been out for two days.”

“Two- Two _days?”_

Mikasa nods, leaning away to pour him a cup of water from the pitcher on the side. Eren looks around while she does, at the small storage room turned sickroom that he’s been sequestered in, dark and dingy save for the thin shaft of sunlight streaming in from a single window. The sight of it eases the vestiges of the claustrophobia that has followed him since the female titan speared his body, and he inhales slowly before taking the offered cup from Mikasa. “You had a lot to heal. Mariska wanted to keep you out longer, but your titan blood burns through the sedative? Or something? I didn’t really understand it.”

Eren sips the water, realises just how thirsty he is and downs the whole thing in a rush. Mikasa wordlessly refills it. “Right… What… What _happened?”_

She hesitates for a long moment, no doubt trying to assess his condition for herself and that, more than anything, alarms him. Not that she wants to know he’s okay, but that she thinks that whatever she has to say he might not be able to handle. “How much do you remember?” She asks evasively.

“Not much?” Eren says, frowning. “Or… No, I remember everything up to the…” He winces, rubs his chest though there’s no trace of the injuries that had nearly killed him. He’d been so fucking lucky, luckier than he deserved to be, when so many scouts had died just to keep him safe. “I remember losing the fight. I passed out just after the female fucking _speared_ me. And I remember…”

“She got away,” Mikasa murmurs, eyes hard. “I’m sorry, Eren.”

He exhales shakily. An utter failure, then. It makes sense, as much as Eren hates it. They were woefully unprepared, Eren pathetically untrained compared to the female titan’s piloting human, and he’ll have to carry that failure with him as long as he lives. Part of him had really believed that they’d be able to trap the female, to bring them in and question them, and the fact that she’d managed to elude Levi of all people, is a singular kind of galling.

Now that the panic has faded and rational - if bitter - thought can take hold again, he finds he remembers everything up to his final fight with the female titan with crystal clear clarity, from the moment they rode out to the moment the female titan’s hardened fingers pierced through his body, but past that he has nothing. He doesn’t know how he’s alive, he doesn’t know what happened after the female nearly destroyed his body. All he can remember, before his mind shut down in order to protect him from the pain and shock that might have otherwise killed him, is the sound of Levi screaming.

Eren sucks in a sharp breath as the memory triggers inside his head, clutches his shirt over his suddenly thundering heart. He’ll never forget the sound as long as he lives. A cry filled with such agnonised grief, half-mad with rage and despair, such a sound that Levi should not have been capable of making. And Eren forgets in that moment that he was ever angry, that Levi had made the kind of bad call that Eren had always trusted him not to make.

“Mikasa,” Eren says faintly, the words heavy with dread. “What happened to Levi?” He thinks back over Mikasa’s assurances that their friends were safe. She’d mentioned Isabel and Petra, Armin, Hanji, Moblit, their fellow friends and trainees. But she hadn’t mentioned Levi at all. And Levi had been there, fighting alongside Eren against that titan bitch, and if he’d been able to fight, then there’s no way in hell or on earth that they would have gotten away.

“You didn’t say his name.”

“Eren-”

“You didn’t say his name,” Eren repeats, panicked. “You said everyone else was fine, oh, _god_ , Mikasa, what happened to him?”

“He’s _fine_ ,” Mikasa says in a rush, pressing a hand to Eren’s chest and pushing him back down onto the cot. “Calm down, you’re still recovering. He’s alive, he’s with Hanji right now. He got badly burned by titan steam and they keep having to tackle him to get him to change his bandages. He’s worse than you when he’s hurt. Won’t let anyone near him.”

Eren struggles against her, for all the good it does him. She doesn’t so much as shift an inch. “He’s hurt?”

“Just the burns. No broken bones or anything, he’s fine. Don’t panic, Eren, for god’s sake.”

“But-”

“Calm _down_ ,” Mikasa tells him sternly. “You know how resilient he is.”

Eren exhales shakily. “Yeah, but…” He pushes his hands into his hair, fists them tightly. “I can’t… I should have- I should have been better, I should have changed the moment we saw the female. If I had, none of this would have-”

“Don’t,” Mikasa says. “Don’t do this, Eren, it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t your call to make. Whoever they are, they have more training than you do, there’s no way you could have held your own. Even Levi couldn’t bring them down. They cut themselves out of their titan to get away from him, leaving an arm behind in the process.”

“Because I got hurt-”

“Any one of us would’ve done the same,” Mikasa snaps. “If I’d been there instead, I’d have ripped the bitch apart, just like he did. If Isabel or Armin or Hanji had been there, seeing you go down would have enraged us all the same. They knew taking you out would make any one of us careless. They knew so much more than we did. We underestimated them. That’s _not your fault._ ”

Eren sucks in a sharp breath, holds it, lets it out in a rush. “How bad…?”

Mikasa’s expression twists, turns haunted. “I could see _through_ you.”

Eren rubs a hand absently over his chest. “What happens now?”

“I don’t know. Armin’s been talking to Erwin. I think they have a plan, but I’m not sure. The MPs will want to know why we failed. I don’t know what they’ll want to do next, but I promise you, Eren, we’ll fix this. They won’t touch you.”

“I don’t care about that,” Eren murmurs, staring towards the window where bright light is streaming in, dust motes dancing in the shaft of sunlight. “I just… I want to know why so many had to die for nothing.”

“We all do,” Mikasa says softly. “But that’s not for us to answer for. That responsibility falls on Erwin.”

Maybe so. But Eren’s still so angry at Levi. He’d made a bad call and Eren hadn’t even thought he was capable. Levi’s never been the type to let others die for him, so Eren can’t fathom why Levi hadn’t let him transform. He’d practically begged Eren to do it before they rode out, had begged him to run at the first sign of danger. Had he been so sure that they’d capture the female that he hadn’t wanted to risk Eren? That doesn’t sit right. Levi’s a scout, a fucking Captain, he knows that Eren would never be happy to let anyone take his place in a crossfire.

And yet… Eren would do the same, wouldn’t he? If Mikasa or Isabel or Armin were at risk, Eren would do anything to keep them safe. He’d wanted to, and Levi hadn’t let him. They’d lost half their squad as a result; the entire right wing, more that Eren doesn't yet know about. How can he be okay with that? How can he ever be fucking okay with what they’ve lost when he could have changed it?

Could he, though? The female ripped through him like he was nothing. Even with Levi there, they’d lost and Eren had been impaled as a result. And from the sound of it, Levi’s hurt, too, badly, if the fact that Hanji’s hounding him for treatment is any indication. And in spite of his anger, Eren wants to see him. Part of him had expected Levi to be here when he woke up, but he understands why he isn’t. Levi is, first and foremost, a Captain of the corps. He has a duty.

“Oh, don’t,” Mikasa says irritably. She flicks Eren right between the eyes. “Get out of your head, I know exactly what you’re thinking.”

“I’m not-”

“You can’t blame yourself for this,” she insists. “You followed orders. Erwin’s plan failed, that’s not because of you. It failed because we were unprepared. And just so you know, your pipsqueak of a boyfriend hasn’t left your side in two days. We had to physically remove him so he could eat and get his burns treated. It took me, Hanji, and Farlan to drag him out.”

That doesn’t seem quite right. Levi’s always the picture of composure, it’s hard to imagine him fighting the three of them just so he could sit by Eren’s side while he healed.

“It’s the truth,” Mikasa says, correctly interpreting the dubious slant to Eren’s expression. “He... “ She winces. “It was bad, Eren. I think he… I think he lost it for a minute, out there. I think he thought he’d lost you.”

“He knows I can heal,” Eren says, somewhat discourteously. Now that he knows Levi’s okay, the anger has crept back in, and as much as he wants to see Levi and know that he’s really alright, he’s not exactly feeling very charitable.

Levi had made a bad call. He’d gotten Eren to trust in his squad, to hold steady because he was afraid of what would happen if Eren went head to head with the female. Eren can’t fault him for his clouded judgement, never would because he knows he’d do the exact same thing, but still Eren dearly wishes he’d trusted his instincts, the way Levi had always told him to. If Eren had trusted his gut and shifted... Well, who knows what might have happened. Maybe he could have saved his squad. Maybe not. All he knows is that he’d ignored his instincts and they’d lost nearly half their squad as a result.

“We don’t know to what extent,” Mikasa reminds Eren, pulling his attention back to her. “Petra says he looked almost feral. Apparently when…” She swallows. “When the female titan stabbed you, they could hear him screaming as he attacked her. We’re only getting bits and pieces, though, he won’t tell us what happened. And I know you’re angry, but… He was so afraid for you, Eren.”

Eren swallows hard. For Mikasa to tell him this, it really must have been bad. She’s never been Levi’s biggest fan, but there’s a mournful twist to her expression that tells Eren all he needs to know about how difficult the past two days have been for everyone else. Despite his injuries, Eren got off relatively lightly, it seems.

“Could you… send him in? I’d like to talk to him.” He doesn’t know if that’s true, but if he has to sit here then he’d at least like confirmation that Levi’s okay, from his own eyes and not just second-hand knowledge passed on by Mikasa.

She nods, albeit reluctantly. “Do you want something to eat first?”

“No, I… No. Please, I just… I need to see him.”

“Alright. Don’t strain yourself, though. Mariska still needs to give the all clear.” She touches his shoulder gently, gets to her feet and slips out the door.

Once alone, Eren lets out all the air in his lungs in a rush, unsure and uncertain and so very, very tired. The expedition couldn’t have gone worse. Okay, no, it could have, they could have lost so many more, but for the sake of answers, they’re worse off than before. Whoever it was piloting the female, they were more equipped to handle even the best among them, so is it really any surprise that Eren hadn’t managed to take them down? Even Levi had apparently not been able to capture them, and that’s saying something. Still, though, the weight of their failures is almost too heavy to bear, and Eren doesn’t know what’s supposed to happen now. Part of him had really believed that they’d succeed. He’d had no reason not to.

If only Eren had transformed earlier. With the combined might of the Levi squad and his titan, they might have been able to overpower them. He should have shifted, he knows that now. If he had, Gunther, Eld, Oruo, they’d still be alive. Maybe. Or maybe the female would have overpowered all of them. Eren doesn’t know, won’t ever know, and dwelling on would-haves and might-have-beens is going to drive him mad, but what else is he meant to do? Is he supposed to just write it off as a failure and try harder next time? It goes without saying that he will, but he can’t just forget the lives that were thrown away for his sake.

Rapid, heavy footsteps from outside break into the miserable swirl of his thoughts and he looks up at the sound of them, frowning. Not ten seconds later, the door of his makeshift sickroom slams open, and suddenly there stands Levi, panting in the doorway, red-faced and wild-eyed.

For a moment, they just stare at each other. Eren waits, not daring to breathe, for the anger to rush over him, bitter and strong, but there’s nothing. Nothing except the steadily building sensation of relief that’s so overwhelming it becomes difficult to breathe past it.

Levi looks bad. His face is raw and red, almost as though sunburned, hair tangled and twisted into unwashed disarray, and Eren can see extensive bandages peeking out from the collar and sleeves of his shirt. Mikasa had said he’d been burned by titan steam, badly enough that Hanji’d had to step in to force Levi to accept treatment, and Eren is suddenly hit with the reality of just how close he’d come to waking up to a world without Levi in it.

“Eren,” Levi breathes, icy eyes wide with an emotion Eren can’t name. He looks lost, overwhelmed, relieved and distraught all at once and it’s so viscerally jarring to see so many emotions warring for prime position on Levi’s face that Eren can’t keep up with it. And how dare he stand there and look like that? How dare he let himself get so badly hurt? How dare he be able to wipe away all of Eren’s anger just by looking at him like that?

“You bastard,” Eren chokes out, shattering the silent spell over the room. “You _absolute_ \- Come _here_ , I can’t even- How could-“

Levi’s across the room in an instant. Eren reaches out and Levi does the same and it’s like an explosion, the force with which they clash. Eren clutches at whatever parts of Levi he can reach, can’t even be mindful of the bandages, but Levi doesn’t care. His arms wrap around Eren so tightly it hurts and Eren loves it- loves _him_ \- so much he doesn’t care about the ache in his oversensitive skin. It’s like… It’s like his body hadn’t fully healed yet. Like he was waiting for this final piece to be returned to where it belongs, and the reassuring presence of Levi in his arms is what he needed to be okay again.

Levi pulls back first, but he doesn’t let go. His eyes are tight, restless, flicker over Eren’s face like he’s trying to commit it to memory. Eren shakes in his grip, blinks away exhausted tears of relief, and once Levi has found what he’s looking for on Eren’s face he leans in, rests his forehead against Eren’s and takes a deep, unsteady breath.

“Eren,” he says again, like it’s the only word he knows.

“Levi,” Eren says by way of answering. He doesn’t really need to say anything else. Not now. Not yet. Except… “You’re hurt.”

“No.”

“Liar.”

“I’m-“

“You’re _hurt.”_ Eren repeats, leaning back. “You’re covered in bandages, what the hell-“

“Don’t, I’m fine, _you_ were the one-“

“-I’m alright, just-“

“I know you’re angry-”

“I’m not, I’m not angry-”

“You _should_ -”

“I don’t want to be. _God_ , I was, but I don’t- I don’t want to. I’m _so_ glad you’re okay-”

“I won’t apologise, I wanted you safe-”

“I don’t _care_ , I know it’s-”

“You nearly _died_ and I couldn’t-”

“Levi, it’s okay, I’m _here_ -”

“-Couldn’t do _anything_ -”

 _”Levi.”_ Eren covers Levi’s mouth with his palm, stopping the half-formed, unfinished sentences that neither of them have the presence of mind or the patience to finish. Levi’s eyes widen slightly, unused - Eren is sure - to being silenced so thoroughly, but Eren’s determined to stop this stupid cycle of idiocy before it can start. There’s so much they need to say, but they won’t get anywhere if they try to force it all out at once.

He takes his hand away from Levi’s mouth with a warning glance and is satisfied when Levi doesn’t immediately rush to speak the moment his lips are uncovered. He lets Eren cup his face, eyes softening when he does so, tilts his face into Eren’s touch with a full-body sigh. Eren rubs his thumbs over the dark bruises beneath Levi’s eyes, deeper and darker than usual, and there’s a sort of dullness to Levi’s eyes that speaks of far too little sleep.

“Are you alright?” Eren asks softly. “And don’t fucking lie to me, I _will_ bite you.”

Levi snorts, looks startled by the sound coming out of his own nose. “ _Bite_ me? What are you, five?”

“Answer the goddamn question.”

“Yes,” Levi huffs. “I’m alright. Bit on the well-done side, but could be worse. Though, saying that, the salve Hanji’s been slathering me in isn’t exactly a pleasant sensory adventure.”

“I’m-”

“I swear to god, Eren, if the next words out of your mouth are an apology, _I’m_ going to bite you.”

Eren laughs softly, thickly, leans in to rest his forehead against Levi’s shoulder. Arms loop around his waist not a second later, and Levi tilts his head to rest his cheek against Eren’s head with a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you woke up.”

“It’s alright. Mikasa said you were getting your bandages changed.”

“Mm. Against my will, I assure you. But it’s not something I can easily do myself.”

Eren raises his head slightly. “I can do it for you.”

“You don’t need to.”

“It’s my fault. And I want to.”

Levi sighs but the relief in his eyes is obvious. “If you wouldn’t mind. I’m good now until tomorrow, but…”

“Then I’ll do it.” Eren reaches up, lays a palm against Levi’s cheek. There’s a faint shadow over his jaw and the slight stubble prickles lightly against Eren’s skin. He’s never seen Levi anything less than clean-shaven. He’s honestly not entirely opposed to the dishevelled look he’s got going on, would actually probably be into it any other time, but right now he’d rather it be under much better circumstances noa he can enjoy it properly. “You look so tired.”

“Thanks,” Levi grumbles. “I’ve been a bit preoccupied.”

“Is Isabel-”

“Fine. Just bored and cranky. She’s demanded that I take you to see her when you’re up and about.”

“Oh, we can-”

“No,” Levi says, arms tightening around Eren’s waist. “Not yet. I’m not done.”

“Not-?”

“Two days,” Levi says darkly. “Two days and I couldn’t do anything to help you. And I fucking-” He breaks off, looking away with a scowl. Distress is rolling off him in waves and Eren understands.

“What happened?” He asks softly, twining the fingers of his left hand with Levi’s right. “Talk to me.”

Levi closes his eyes, squeezes Eren’s fingers tightly. “I couldn’t… Eren, you don’t…” He huffs and as much as Eren doesn’t want to see him struggle, he knows they both need Levi to speak right now, to let go of what he’s been holding onto for the last two days. “When the bitch got away from us, I was…” He shakes himself with a sharp inhale. “I saw your titan corpse shortly after I passed the… after I passed Gunther and the others.” A muscle in his jaw twitches and Eren squeezes his fingers in silent sympathy, right there with him in his grief for their fallen. “I thought… I saw your open nape and I thought you’d…” He swallows. “I thought I’d lost you all.”

Eren winces. “I’m-”

“Don’t,” Levi says, abruptly but not angrily. “Neat little trick you did, I have to say. Petra caught me up to speed. You couldn’t fight?”

Eren shakes his head. “Not while I had Isabel in my hands. She was… Well, you’ve seen her.”

“Petra told me what you did,” Levi says quietly. “Snapping the blade, binding her wounds, and then shielding her from the female. That was some exceptionally quick thinking.”

“Well, what was I supposed to-”

“Eren,” Levi says, lifting his free hand to touch Eren’s face. “ _Thank_ you.”

Eren blinks, cheeks heating. “Um.”

“You saved her life,” Levi tells him. “Petra’s, too. And though I want to absolutely _murder_ you for being so careless with your own life, you kept them safe and I can’t even begin to tell you how grateful I am.”

Eren coughs, unable to meet Levi’s intense gaze. “They’re my family, too,” he mumbles. “I just wish I could’ve…”

“I know,” Levi murmurs. “But that’s not on you. I made a bad call and you all suffered for it.”

“I… I don’t know that you did,” Eren says. “I mean, I was absolutely prepared to cuss you the fuck out at the time. But… Would it really have changed anything? What if me changing made the female more desperate? She cut through the right wing without any fucking difficulty, imagine what she’d have done if she had nothing left to lose. She could’ve…”

“Don’t twist yourself up about possibilities,” Levi tells him. “It was an expedition doomed from the start. I don’t think there’s anything we could have done to change what happened. I just… It could have been worse. If you’re going to focus on anything, focus on that.”

Eren nods, hating that as much as he takes comfort from it. It could have been worse, Levi’s right, but Eren’s loved ones, his family, are safe. And as much as the deaths of the Levi squad and the right wing are going to haunt him, he reckons they wouldn’t want him to blame himself for what happened. Like Levi had said, they were willing to risk their lives for him. He just wishes that had never been necessary.

“And after that, you found me,” Eren says, partly for distraction and partly because he wants to know what Levi saw while Eren was engaging the female. “It was lucky you got there when you did, she was so much faster than me. And that fucking hardening trick of hers was a bitch to get around.”

Levi nods. “We couldn’t get to her nape because of it. We tried everything bar a full ordinance strike on her wrists. We were going to, but she summoned a hoard of titans to cannibalise her body. That’s how she got away from us.”

“That explains how she got away to find us, then. Must have been geared up inside just in case shit went south... Gunther saw a cloaked scout and thought it was you.”

Levi nods. “They were prepared for eventualities we hadn’t even attempted to foresee. Which is fucking saying something, considering Erwin’s usually about fifteen steps ahead of the rest of us.” He narrows his eyes. “How many times did you end up shifting, by the way?”

Eren hesitates, thinking back. “Just the two, I think. I don’t know if I could have managed three. Like you saw - when she killed… When she killed Oruo, I...” He trails off, looking down. “I tried so hard to get to both of them in time.”

”I know.”

”I couldn’t... I couldn’t save-“

”That’s not on you. If you could have, you would. I know that. I know _you_.”

Eren shakes his head. “I still wasn’t fast enough. And when... I saw Oruo go down so I dived over Petra and Isabel. I figured if I could shield them like that, I could shift again and take her down, get her back for killing...” He swallows. “For killing the others.”

“Smart.”

“Didn’t work though,” Eren says, scowling. “I could barely hold my own. She was too fast. Thank fuck for my hand to hand training, is all I’m saying. I doubt I could’ve lasted thirty second without it.” He sighs. “But I remember you showing up and, can I just say, why the fuck did you want me to throw you?”

Levi’s lips twitch in spite of their shared grief. “I reckoned that you’d be able to give me the momentum I needed to hit her before she could harden. Worked, didn’t it?”

“Yeah, but _fuck_. And you call _me_ reckless.”

“I never said I wasn’t as well.”

“Fair, but still.” Eren flushes. “I… It was amazing, by the way. Fighting with you.”

Levi’s eyebrows raise. “That so?”

“Are you kidding? I’ve been dreaming about it since I was a cadet. Back when I still thought you were cool and mysterious, you understand.”

“The hell do you mean, “back when”?”

“Well, I _know_ you now. And you’re… Uhh...” Ah, Eren may have backed himself into a corner here.”

Levi’s right brow inches higher. “No, please, go on. Tell me what I’m like.”

Eren coughs. “Well, you know. All... Um... S...Soft?”

“Soft.”

”Not like, weak!” Eren says in a rush. “Just... Kinder. Than you come across at first. Sweet, sometimes. And you can be...”

“Go on.”

Absolutely not. Eren does actually value his life, contrary to popular belief. “...Anyway,” he says, clearing his throat. “I remember the fight and I remember her healing her arm and the, uh…” He gestures to his chest. “Unpleasant, by the way.”

“Yeah, I would fucking imagine that getting your torso perforated fucking sucks.”

”Yeah, it did a bit. I passed out pretty quickly after that, but I heard…” Eren glances at him. “I heard you scream.”

Levi looks away quickly, scowling. “Yes, well. You have to understand,” he says slowly, each word carefully measured. “I thought I’d lost you once already. And when I saw her… I saw you slump over and I just…” He closes his eyes. “Eren, I don’t… I don’t have the words. Don’t ask me to talk about it, I _can’t_.”

“I won’t,” Eren assures him. “...I’m sorry she got away.”

“Don’t be stupid, that’s not your fault. I just wish I’d known the bitch could direct her healing. But maybe that wouldn’t have changed anything. They’re fucking lucky they got away, though. I’d’ve…” He exhales sharply. “I’m just glad you’re alright.”

“Was that when you got hurt?” Eren asks softly, trailing his fingers over the bandages wrapped around Levi’s right wrist.

“Yeah. Had to yank you out of your titan. Then me and Petra carried you and Isabel back to the formation and brought you home.”

“Thank you,” Eren murmurs. “And I’m sorry. You… It shouldn’t have happened like that.”

“No,” Levi sighs. “It shouldn’t. I should have let you transform. I should’ve pushed back against Erwin and… I don’t fucking know, but we should have done something else. _Anything_ else. Too many people died. You were so badly hurt. If she’d been any higher, she’d’ve taken your fucking head off.”

Eren winces, decidedly unwilling to consider that possibility. It was painful enough as it was. “So what does the Commander have to say about all this?” He asks, trying and failing to keep the derision out of his tone. “About our failure?”

Levi sneers. “Fucking nothing yet. I’ve been avoiding him anyway. Between watching over you and keeping Isabel company and avoiding Hanji and their disgusting burn salves, I’ve been a bit fucking busy.” He grimaces. “That, and I’m pretty sure the next time he sees me, I’m in for the lecture of my fucking life.”

“Why?”

Levi waves a hand between them, gesturing from Eren to himself and back again. “I might’ve made _this_ a bit more obvious than I should have.”

Eren’s eyes widen with disbelief. “Wh- _How_?”

Levi shifts awkwardly. “I might’ve… Well, I didn’t leave your side on the journey home. Might not have let anyone else near you, save Mikasa. I reckon that spoke volumes about exactly what you are to me.”

Eren can’t resist a smile, then. “And what am I to you?”

“A colossal pain in my ass,” Levi grumbles before softening. “And the other half of my fucking soul, quite frankly.”

Eren’s breath catches. “Oh.”

“What did you expect?”

“Honestly? Just that first part.”

“Idiot,” Levi tells him. “It’s true though. All of it. I… Don’t ever fucking scare me like that again, okay? From now on… I can’t trust myself to make the right calls when it comes to you.” He frowns deeply. “I need you to promise me something.”

“Anything.”

“Push back,” Levi tells him. “If you think I’m making a bad fucking call, I want you to tell me. I’ve already told Isabel the same. And when we need to fight again, whether it’s next month or next fucking week or tomorrow, I don’t give a shit when, but whenever it happens, it’s got to be together. I don’t care what orders I get, you stay by my side.”

Eren probably shouldn’t be so warmed by those words, but he is. They settle pleasantly inside his reformed chest, flutter beneath his ribs. It’s all he’s ever fucking wanted, honestly, to fight beside Levi, to stay near him to matter what. It’s just shit that it took such a failure to get them there. Perhaps if things had been different…

“Promise,” Eren says, tapping his fist against his chest in a half-salute. “Together-”

“Or not at all,” Levi finishes. “You and me against the world, kid. That’s how it’s gotta be. I’m sorry I didn’t see it sooner.”

“You need to promise me something, too, then.”

“Alright?”

“No more chances,” Eren says. “Whatever happens next, we don’t do _anything_ until we know more. No more risks, no more going off unprepared. I’ll tell Erwin too, right to his face, see if I care. If he wants the power of my titan, then he’s going to have to convince me that our squad and the right wing’s sacrifices weren’t in vain.”

Satisfaction and pride glint in Levi’s eyes then and Eren is deeply pleased by the sight of it. “Couldn’t have said it better myself,” he says. “And I promise. No more chances, no stupid risks, and you’re by my side for all of it. Sound good?”

If that’s not a fucking promise of forever, then what is? Eren nods, a little overwhelmed. “Sounds good.”

“Perfect. Now, are you feeling well enough to take a walk? There’s a few people that would really like to see you up and about and some fresh air would probably do you some good.”

“I think I can manage,” Eren says. “I’m pretty much fine, just a bit…” He makes a vague hand gesture. “Tender, though. It’s happened before so I know it’s nothing bad, but the new skin is really oversensitive. Usually it’s just my arms that I lose, or a leg, but… This time was a bit more drastic, I guess. So I feel… Weird.”

Curiosity passes over Levi’s face, followed by something intrigued that Eren really doesn’t think they have the time to explore right now. But regardless, he lets Levi reach out, place a palm over his chest, right over his heart. He feels the warmth of Levi’s palm, skin tingling under even such light pressure as that, and he sucks in a breath through his teeth.

“Sorry,” Levi murmurs, withdrawing his hand. “Do you want to rest some more?”

“No, I’ll go insane,” Eren says. “And I want to see the others.”

Levi nods. “Quick visit, then you need a fucking shower. It’s been two days, which is a day and a half too long, I don’t care how new your skin is, that’s far too fucking long to go without bathing.”

“Look who’s talking,” Eren grumbles. “You look like you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards and rolled through dirt.”

Levi’s eyes glint. “Watch it. And I never said I didn’t need one, too.”

“Why, Captain,” Eren says, grinning. “Is that an invitation?”

“Might be. In the interest of saving water, you understand. Why, you interested?”

“Okay, new plan,” Eren says in a rush. “Shower first, then people.”

“You sure you don’t want-”

“Shower,” Eren says, surging to his feet. “Shower now.”

Levi rumbles a low laugh, that soft, hitching huff that’s so uniquely him and that Eren adores more than anything in the world. He gets to his feet as well, fetching Eren’s boots for him, and when Eren’s got them on and is ready to go, he slips his hand into Eren’s like he’s completely unwilling to stop touching him for more than a few seconds at a time.

Eren looks down at their joined hands with a questioning sound and Levi shrugs one shoulder, ears burning. “I figure if everyone already knows,” he murmurs, unable to meet Eren’s eyes fully. “Then what’s the harm, right?”

“Right,” Eren says, somewhat giddily. “I love you.”

Levi smiles softly. “Me, too. Remember that when I dunk you in a tub full of hot water and scrub you half to death, okay? I’m doing it because I care.”


	62. Chapter 62

Once in the privacy of Levi’s quarters, the reason for his current state of dishevelment becomes apparent the moment Eren gets Levi’s shirt off. The bandaging is extensive, covers his entire torso and the full length of both arms, save for space around his elbows which have been left unbandaged so he can bend them. His range of movement is still diminished, though, because the skin is red and tight, swollen and blistered in the parts Eren can see, and he’s angry because Levi’s acting like it’s nothing, when there’s no way that he’s not in unbearable pain.

“It’s not as bad as it looks,” Levi says, turning away to get the water running. “Wipe that look off your face, it’s really not that-“ Eren pinches his elbow, forcing Levi to let out a harsh hiss and flinch away. “What the fuck was that for?!”

“You’re down-playing,” Eren snaps. “God, should you even be moving around? You need to be in the infirmary-”

“Doing what, exactly?” Levi demands, swatting his hand away. “Breathing in everyone else’s germs? Taking up space? Would you prefer me to be languishing on a sickbed, complaining constantly?”

“No, but-”

“There’s nothing to be done about it,” Levi says with a sniff. “I let Hanji rub their disgusting salve on it and I put clean bandages on twice a day. There’s literally nothing else they can do.”

“I…” Eren huffs. “I just don’t like the thought of you hurting.”

“It’s really not that bad,” Levi says. “Promise. It’s a bit uncomfortable, I won’t lie, but it looks a lot worse than it is. Bit stiff, stings a bit if someone fucking _pinches_ me, so thank you for that.” Eren grimaces. “But I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.” He looks towards the shower stall. “I am still trying to figure out the logistics of bathing, though.”

“Have you got the salve and some clean bandages?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, get those ones off and come in with me. I’ll redress them after.”

“The water needs-”

“To be lukewarm, I know. Come on, give me some credit. I _was_ raised by a doctor.”

Levi inclines his head, mollified, and sets about unwrapping the bandages from around his arms. Eren gets the water running while he does that, tests the temperature and adjusts it so it’s comfortable but not hot enough to aggravate Levi’s burns, then turns around to help Levi take off the bandages bound around his chest. He can’t help the hiss of distress he lets out when he sees the extent of the burns on Levi’s body, can’t stop himself from trailing his fingers over a deep red patch on the left side of his ribs.

“I told you,” Levi murmurs. “Looks a lot worse than it is. Should be healed in a couple of weeks, long as I keep ‘em clean. The most annoying parts are the blisters and the fact that I have to move around like an old man. Other than that, I can ignore it for the most part.”

“Still,” Eren says. “God, I’m sorry.”

“Eren,” Levi says wearily. “For the last goddamn time, it’s not your fault. Besides, they’re barely second degree. They probably won’t even scar.”

“Oh, good,” Eren says flatly. “I only gave you second degree burns. That’s _such_ a relief.”

“Quit it,” Levi says, poking him hard in the ribs. “I’m _fine_. Now go dispose of those bandages, quickly or I’ll shower without you.”

“I’m going, I’m going.”

Once the bandages are dealt with, Eren wastes no time undressing and stepping into the shower stall after Levi, grimacing a little at the tepid temperature of the spray. He’d like it hotter, but Levi won’t be able to handle that right now and Eren wants to be close to him so he can deal with a cooler shower than he’d normally like. It’s not like he didn’t take his fair share of cold showers in his cadet years, but that was because hot water was a luxury Shadis didn’t think they deserved.

Regardless of the colder temperature, though, Levi looks absolutely thrilled to be clean again. Though his movements are slower, more careful, he rinses his hair out like he’s never been happier in his life, which pulls a smile across Eren’s own face in response. There’s nothing sexual about it, they’re both too tired, too raw inside and out to muster up any sort of physical interest. Right now, Eren just wants to be close to Levi, as close as is physically possible while keeping mindful of his injuries. And as much as Levi might insist otherwise, he’s definitely in pain.

Eren keeps his touch careful, washing Levi’s back for him, all the parts he can’t easily reach while his skin is so tender, and though he’s as careful as it’s possible to be, Levi’s expression doesn’t relax from it’s pinched frown the entire time. His eyes, though, soften by degrees and Eren takes some comfort in that.

“Eyes,” Eren says, guiding Levi’s head back once he’s dutifully closed his eyes so he can wash the soap from his hair. Once they’re clean and the soap’s been washed away, Eren shuts the water off and hands Levi a towel, content enough to let Levi dry off until he’ll let Eren bandage him again.

“Have you eaten?”

Levi peers out from under the towel he’s scrubbing his hair with. “Recently, or?”

“At all in the past two days.”

His answer’s a little too slow in coming. “Of course I have.”

“Yeah?” Eren wraps his own towel around his waist, folds his arms and fixes Levi with a suspicious glare. “When and what?”

Levi is quiet for a long moment and his stomach chooses that moment to give Eren an easy win by rumbling loudly.

“Right, so not at all, then.”

“Shut up, I’ve been busy.”

_”Levi.”_

“Oh, don’t _start-”_

“You need to take better care of yourself!” Eren says, ignoring his protests. “God, why didn’t anyone bring you something if you were that busy? What could have been-”

“What would you have done?” Levi snaps, suddenly defensive. “If you were in my position and I was the one- As well as your sister- What would _you_ have done?” Eren blinks, more than a little taken aback by the sudden shift in Levi’s bearing. “It was alright for you, you were unconscious for the whole fucking thing. The rest of us weren’t so fucking lucky.”

“I-“

”The rest of us, the ones left behind, what the fuck were we meant to do? Sit around and wait for you to wake up? Carry on like everything was normal? Not fucking likely. All the while we had no fucking idea if you were even going to make it. You forget we don’t know shit about your condition. Those injuries should have fucking killed you. If you weren’t a titan, they fucking would have, and I’d have fucking lost you.”

“Levi-”

“Don’t,” Levi says, jabbing a finger at him. “Don’t you fucking start with the platitudes, Eren, I’ve heard enough of them over the past two days and I’m sick to bastard death of them.” He turns away, shoulders hunched and Eren can’t figure out what in the hell he’s meant to have done wrong. “Don’t hound me about looking after my fucking self when you were- I didn’t know if you were even going to fucking wake up. So don’t stand there and act like everything’s okay. I was fucking- I was _terrified_.”

...Oh.

“Levi…”

“Don’t,” Levi warns him, almost curling in on himself, probably would if his injuries would let him. “I don’t need your fucking pity.”

Eren needs to be very careful here. Levi is an incredibly prideful person, Eren knows this like he knows his own name. For the longest time, Levi got by on his own. Isabel and Farlan were by his side for a while, yes, but before that, Levi’s life was lived solitarily. He needed no one, trusted no one. His mother, his uncle, fleeting relationships that never lasted. He’d gotten so used to being alone, then he’d gained people who loved him, who he loved in return though it was difficult, and in the space of a single day he’d nearly lost them.

It’s not Eren he’s angry at. He’s not even angry at all.

He’s scared.

“Levi,” Eren says again, stepping up to him. He rests gently hands on Levi’s shoulders, ignores the flinch that follows the touch because he _knows_ Levi, knows that it’s not Eren he’s flinching away from. “I’m here.”

Levi turns his head slightly.

“I’m here,” Eren says again, dropping a kiss to Levi’s left shoulder. “I’m so sorry for what happened. I’m sorry for all of it. I wish I’d… Well, I wish it had happened differently. But I’m _here_. I haven’t left you behind. I never would. I never _will_.”

Levi’s shoulders relax a fraction. He won’t turn around fully so Eren ducks round to his front, cups Levi’s face between his palms. Levi reaches up to lay his hands over Eren’s and they both ignore the way they shake. “I’m not- I can’t do that again, Eren. I fucking can’t.”

“I know.”

“You have _no_ idea-”

“You’re right, I don’t.”

“All I could do was watch you heal. I couldn’t do _anything_.”

“You watched over me. You saved my life.”

Levi falters, stumbles over whatever he’d been about to say. He stares up at Eren with confusion twisting his face, like he can’t wrap his head around the concept Eren’s just given him. “I _what?”_

“You saved my life,” Eren tells him, latching onto the break in Levi’s grief-stricken self-deprecating spiral with both hands. “You got me back to the formation, got me back behind the walls. You came for me when I was fighting the female, stopped her from killing me or capturing me. You didn’t even consider it, did you? That it would have been so much worse without you.”

“I-”

“Levi, I wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for you. Hell, Lovoff’s men would have strung me up in the forest when I was a kid if you hadn’t been there.”

“They were only there because I-”

“And then the MPs would have dissected me if you hadn’t saved me at the trial.”

“I didn’t-”

“Shush,” Eren tells him, using his newfound trick of clamping a hand over Levi’s mouth to physically shut him up. He’s probably the only person in the entire world who can get away with doing so and if he has to he’s going to use this ability _liberally_. “It’s not your fault, what happened. It’s none of our faults. We did everything we could have and we failed because we still weren’t prepared enough. Next time we will be. Remember? We promised.”

Levi’s eyes harden for a moment before he sags, all the fire seeping out of him. Only then does Eren let go of his face, apologising for silencing him with a quick kiss to his forehead.

“You’re doing it again,” Levi mutters. “Being reasonable while I’m going off the deep end.”

“And I’ll continue to do so as many times as it takes,” Eren says happily. “I quite like being the voice of reason, I never normally get to.”

“Because you’re an overly emotional idiot.”

“Mm, who’s the one who just had a tantrum? ‘Cause it sure as hell wasn’t me.”

Levi swats him, wincing as he does so, and Eren takes that as his cue to get Levi’s burns redressed as soon as possible. He steers them both out of the washroom, pushes Levi to sit down on the bed, and snatches the jar off the nightstand that he assumes is the burn salve because it has a messy label plastered to it that reads “Hanji’s secret stuff” in their appalling handwriting.

He uncaps it, gives it a quick sniff. “Huh, wasn’t expecting that. Calendula?”

Levi gives him an odd look. “You can tell that just by smelling?”

“Once again, raised by a doctor. And I was a horrifically clumsy child. Some of it had to sink in, I guess.” He sniffs it again. “Honey, aloe… They really do know their stuff. I was expecting pig’s blood and frogspawn or something equally disgusting.”

Levi retches. “God, don’t. I’m dubious enough about what’s in that as it- _What the fuck are you doing?!”_

Eren pulls his finger out of his mouth, having just scooped a small amount of the salve out of the jar to taste. He was right, it’s mostly honey and aloe, with a touch of calendula and linseed oil. All perfectly good for treating burns, quite effective, in fact. No frogspawn or pig’s blood to be seen.

“It’s fine,” Eren says. “Hanji might be crazy, but they do know their stuff. I’m impressed.”

“I can’t believe you just put that in your _mouth_ , that’s _disgusting_ -”

“It’s fine,” Eren says, waving him off. “I will mention tea leaf extract, though. Works wonders for burns as well.”

Levi stares at him. “You really are more than just a pretty face, aren’t you?”

“Thank you and fuck you very much.” Eren kneels in front of him, salve and fresh bandages in hand. “Anyway, why are you complaining? My willingness to put stuff in my mouth will end up quite nicely for you.”

He doesn’t get a response, glances up and sees Levi frowning at him in confusion. “What?”

“I can’t figure out your tone,” Levi says. “Why did you say that so suggestively? What the hell would you put in your mouth that would work out well for me?”

Eren blinks, disbelieving. “Are... You know that’s a thing right?”

Nothing, just a blank stare.

Holy shit.

“Oh my god, I’m talking about your dick, Levi.”

Levi recoils, visibly repulsed. “That’s a thing?”

”How can you not know that?!”

”Because that’s disgusting! Why would you put that anywhere near your mouth?!”

”It’s the most fucking common thing you can do! I can’t believe you didn’t know—“ Eren closes his eyes, exhales sharply through his nose. “You’re having me on aren't you.”

Levi’s smirk, when Eren’s eyes open, is all too self-satisfied and deeply amused. “You just make it so _easy_.”

”I hate you. I hate you so much.”

“Mm, sure.”

“I do. I hate you. Now sit still and let me work.”

“Yes, Doctor Jaeger.”

“I fucking said not when either one of us is naked, I fucking _said_.”

“You left yourself wide open for it, what was I meant to do?”

“Not be a dickhead. I know it’s your main state of being, but if you could at least try, I’d appreciate it.”

“Noted. No promises, though.”

Eren rolls his eyes, ignores that remark in favour of lathering the salve over his palms so that he can spread it over Levi’s burns. The flicker of disgust on Levi’s face is a brief one, owing solely to the texture of the salve that’s unpleasantly viscous and slightly sticky, but Eren makes quick work of applying it for Levi’s sake. Even without his aversion to being touched by others, it must have been a chore to let Hanji do this for him, and Eren can’t really blame him. Eren’s never really been bothered by the touch of others, but even he’d had trouble holding still and letting them slather this goop on his skin.

He moves away once Levi’s burns are well coated, satisfied that the tightness on Levi’s face has eased now that the salve is cooling the burns once more. He stands, sticks the end of the roll of bandages to Levi’s left side, using the stickiness of the salve to hold it there. He begins the slow process of binding the bandages around Levi’s chest, from his waist up to his ribs, over his left shoulder so that they don’t slip down and irritate him, ties it off once he’s done. He repeats the process with Levi’s left arm, then his right, leaving his elbows free so he can bend his arms, the same way Hanji had done previously.

“I know it…” Eren sighs. “I know you were scared, but I need to know you’re not going to pull some shit like this again, okay? No matter what happens, I need to know you’ll at least keep yourself safe.”

Levi is quiet for a long moment, likely caught between trying to decide whether or not to tell Eren to fuck off or being genuine. “I will if you will,” is what he finally settles on and Eren exhales softly, content enough with that answer for the time being.

“Thank you. For the record, though, being Humanity’s Strongest doesn’t make you immortal, you know,” Eren says, resting a palm against Levi’s back. “Dumbass.”

Levi snorts. “Oi, I’m still your Captain, brat.”

Eren grins. “Captain Dumbass.”

Levi reaches back to pinch Eren’s thigh but he doesn’t get far enough, partly because his wounds won’t let him but mostly because Eren drapes himself over his back, wrapping his arms carefully around Levi’s waist and resting his chin on Levi’s shoulder. Levi heaves a put upon sigh that’s just for show and they both know it, because he rests his hands over Eren’s where they’re clasped over his stomach.

“Thank you,” Levi murmurs softly.

“For the bandages?”

Levi hums. “That. And…” His ears redden. “For coming back to me.”

Eren’s heart aches at the softness in Levi’s tone. “Always,” he promises, pressing a kiss to Levi’s neck. “Thank you for being here for me to come back to.”

Levi reaches up as well as he’s able to ruffle Eren’s hair. “Always.”

* * *

“Oh my god!” Isabel slurs when Levi and Eren walk into the infirmary, having scrubbed down as well as they’d been able to before Mariska would let them set a foot inside. “It’s my boys!”

“Oh, fuck,” Farlan says, lurching from his seat at her bedside and hauling Eren into a spine-cracking embrace. “You dirty little shit, you had us all fucking terrified.”

“Sorry,” Eren mumbles into Farlan’s chest. “Didn’t mean to.”

“I ought to string you up from the ramparts by your fucking ankles,” Farlan says, pulling back to glare at him. “Pulling shit like that and scaring the fucking life out of me. You had _holes_ in you, you absolute bastard.”

“Right, and I think I should get some sympathy for that at least.”

“No. No sympathy for you and your holes.”

“I _really_ don’t like that phrasing.”

“Oiiii,” Isabel groans, flapping her arms weakly. “Put him down, Farlan, it’s my turn!”

Farlan steps back but not before he punches Eren hard in the arm. Eren takes that, jabs Farlan back and receives a shaky smile in response. He feels awful for worrying them all so badly, but he would have been the same in their shoes.

He moves over to Isabel’s bedside, leans over so she can haul him into an awkward hug. He tries not to put any weight on her so she ends up just sort of hanging off him until Petra can gently extricate Isabel’s arms from their surprisingly strong chokehold around his neck.

“She’s on a lot of pain medication,” Petra says by way of explanation. “I’m not quite sure what, but it’s strong whatever it is. You missed quite the show earlier.”

Some form of opiate if the dopey smile on Isabel’s face is any indication. Eren snorts, pats her shoulder, and receives a pout for his efforts.

“You bastard,” Isabel tells him and Eren sighs. Seems that’s going to be the word of the month where he’s concerned. He’s lost count of how many times he’s been called that today and it’s not even noon yet. “Pulling that stupid stunt with the titan.”

“...Which one?”

“The one!” Isabel cries. “With the jumping!”

Eren looks to Petra who looks equally lost. “...Right. I’m sorry about the jumping titan stunt. Won’t happen again.”

“Better fuckin’ not,” Isabel grumbles, but she softens almost instantly a moment later. “Thanks, though. Saved my ass out there. Even if I did get a new hole out of it.” She gasps. “Eren! You’ve lost your holes!”

“Okay, I _really_ don’t like how many times the word hole is being used today. Can we please put a ban on it for a bit?”

“Seconded,” Levi says, grimacing. “Fuck, what are you on? Whatever it is, I want some of it.”

“She’s been a bit out of it, poor thing,” Petra says, leaning over to brush hair out of Isabel’s face. “She’s doing okay, though. No fever, no sign of infection. She was incredibly lucky.” She looks to Eren with a grateful smile. “Lucky that you were there to protect her.”

Eren ducks his head awkwardly. “I was just… I mean, anyone would have done the same.” He looks to Isabel, smiling softly. “I’m glad you’re okay. Scared the life out of me.”

“Same,” Isabel says, squeezing his arm. “I don’t even really know what happened, I tapped out for a bit. Came to and didn’t know my ass from my elbow, quite frankly. But Far said Levi was going spare so I figured you’d been badly hurt. Said something about ho-”

“Don’t say holes,” Eren begs.

“You just said it!”

“Well, don’t say it again! And I’m fine, as you can see. All healed, good as new. So don’t you worry about me and just focus on getting better, alright?”

“Will do,” Isabel says happily. “‘Cause god knows what kind of trouble you two will get up to if I’m not there to watch out for you.”

“Exactly,” Eren says, patting her hand. “You saved my ass out there, Isa. I’m sorry you got hurt looking out for me.” He looks to Petra, reaches out to take her hand as well. “And I’m sorry I couldn’t save the others.”

Petra nods, eyes filling with pain. “It wasn’t your fault,” Petra tells him and Eren’s a little sick of hearing that. “All of them were prepared to die for the cause, at least they went down fighting. I just wish Gunther…”

“Me, too,” Eren murmurs. “Is there going to be a service, or?”

“That’s not really something we do,” Petra says. “I mean, we hold a sort of memorial, but funerals aren’t something we tend to have, considering we’d be having dozens every month if that were the case... But I’ve spoken to their families, passed on their insignias.”

“Already?” Eren asks, surprised. “And I’m sorry, it should have been me to do that.”

“I wanted to,” Petra says softly. “I served with them the longest. It was my privilege to be able to pass on their memories.”

Eren is momentarily overcome with the breadth of affection and respect he holds for her. “You’re stronger than me,” Eren tells her honestly. “I wouldn’t have been able to do it.”

“I hope you never have to,” Petra says. “But thank you. For saving my life and Isabel’s.”

“This is all very touching,” Farlan says thickly, “but what I’d really like to know is exactly when we’re going to get that titan bitch back for what she’s done.”

“Not any time soon,” Levi says, smacking him round the back of the head. “We’ve lost too many to risk another expedition.” He grimaces. “I need to talk to Erwin. That’s going to be _so_ much fun.”

“I’ll come with you,” Eren says at once. “I have some fucking questions I want answered.”

“Yeah, you and the fucking rest of us,” Farlan says darkly. “I know the plan was to use you as bait, but sacrificing the entire right wing? Fucker’s out of his mind.”

“To be fair, he didn’t do it knowingly,” Petra says. “We didn’t ride out knowing the right wing would be slaughtered. We fed wrong information to every squad, it’s just bad luck that the right wing was the one that got attacked. There was an equal chance the left wing would’ve been targeted, too. Every squad had different information.”

“Did we at least manage to narrow down our suspects?” Eren asks. “Do we have any idea where the leak is?”

Petra shakes her head. “Not that I’ve heard. If Erwin knows, he’s keeping it close to his chest. And I can’t exactly blame him. Now more than ever we know we can’t trust who we speak to.” She doesn’t look particularly troubled by that revelation and honestly neither is Eren. They’ve known for a while now, thanks to Armin and Erwin’s combined intelligence, that they have a traitor among them. But now that Eren’s had time to think about it, he’s coming to understand that whoever the female titan is, it’s not one of their rank.

Which means that they’re working against a group. Which means their enemies not only have power and preparation on their side, but numbers too.

“We should speak to Erwin sooner rather than later,” Eren says. “I don’t like sitting around while we could be coming up with a counterattack.”

“Give it a bit, though, yeah?” Farlan says. “I don’t think my heart could take another scare like that so soon.”

“Well, what’s the alternative? Wait for the colossal titan to kick in another gate?”

“I don’t think that’s a possibility,” Levi says. “We know their target now, at least. There’s no reason for them to breach the gate again. They’re already inside, we know that much. And it’s definitely Eren they’re after, if nothing else the expedition proved that.”

“Right,” Farlan says. “So, Eren, if you could just sit there and look pretty, I guess we’ll just wait for them to try and nab you again.”

“Also not a possibility,” Levi says, kicking Farlan in the shin of his good leg. “They’ll be biding their time now, waiting for an opening. We just need to wait for Erwin to tell us how to proceed. But for the moment, I think it’s safe to assume we’re not at risk from another direct attack.”

That’s somewhat comforting, but not by much. But he’s right when he says they need to talk to Erwin before they proceed. Eren just hopes he can keep a level head whenever the Commander sends for him. The way Eren’s feeling right now, there’s every chance he’ll snap the minute the Commander opens his fucking mouth. He has a lot to answer for.

It’s not that Eren’s angry so much. He is, but it’s a different sort of anger, not as wild as it usually is. More resolute, calmer, if that makes any sense. A slow burn rather than the quick to light inferno that he’s prone to. Something shifted while he was out, he can’t really explain it, but while his body was reforming, it was almost as though something settled into place, an awareness he didn’t have before. He wonders about it but doesn’t really have an answer for what changed. Maybe he’s just sick of not knowing anything about their enemies or his own power. Maybe he’s finally gotten used to being so clueless about the world.

It’s strange. Probably a sign that he’s getting older, maturing, losing that troublesome fire from his youth. Except maybe not, he’s still angry, still rages against the titans and the walls that keep them imprisoned. He’s just so fucking tired of losing people because of their own ignorance. They can’t go on like this, something has to give. They’re overdue for a stroke of luck at this point and Eren is desperate for anything that might help them.

Which is why, as much as it pains him, Eren needs to defer to Erwin still. They stand a much better chance with him than without. It takes monsters to fight monsters, after all, and though Erwin isn’t the same kind of monster that Eren is, his cold-hearted ruthless calculus of what a soldier’s life is worth is of a similar brand of inhuman.

“I guess there really isn’t much we can do but wait,” Petra says. “As much as we may not like it.”

“Learn to,” Levi says. “Because we’re at the fucking precipice of something huge here. I get the feeling that sitting around and waiting isn’t something we’re going to be able to do for much longer.”

* * *

They leave Isabel to rest when she starts zoning out and drifting off at least once partway through each sentence she starts, and Eren’s so far beyond hungry that he’s starting to feel a little bit sick. The kitchens are silent, the dining hall empty, but it’s not too much trouble for Eren to throw something together from what they find. The strangest part is that the castle is so quiet and when Eren mentions it in passing to Levi while he heats up some broth for them to share, he’s met with a rather blank expression before understanding sweeps over his partner’s face.

“Right, I forget this is your first expedition,” Levi says, dumping some chopped carrots into the pot for Eren to stir. “Usually the soldiers go see their families when they return. Those that have them, anyway. They get a week’s leave to spend it with their loved ones or whatever. I’ve never had to take it, obviously, which is a constant source of frustration for the Commander. I’ve got like half a year’s worth of leave to take at this point.”

“So you could’ve come see me when you were off playing scout without me?”

“And do what? Stare at you while Shadis made you do crunches until you puked? Super romantic, you’re right. Why didn’t I?”

“Alright,” Eren grumbles. “Not what I meant, but fine.”

“I know what you meant,” Levi says, nudging him. “And I wanted to, believe me. But if I’d left, I’d’ve never come back.”

“Fair. Pass me the butter?”

Levi leans against the counter while Eren waits for the broth to thicken, then fills two bowls for them with the steaming liquid. Levi takes both and Eren fetches some bread, taking their food over to one of the empty tables. They’re both too hungry to make any sort of conversation and Eren ends up refilling their bowls three times before they speak again.

“What do you think is going to happen now?” Eren dares to ask, spinning his spoon between his fingers.

Levi hums, props his chin up in the palm of his hand. “Not sure. I’m trying not to make any assumptions. Acting like we know what we’re fighting against, trying to plan for possible moves and countermeasures has historically not gotten us anywhere good.”

No, that’s certainly true. “Right, but I feel like we can safely assume that the colossal, the armoured, and the female are working together.”

“That’s probably the only thing we can intuit. I just hope they don’t have more of you stashed away.”

“More of us?”

“Titan shifters.”

Eren’s head snaps up. “You think that’s possible?”

“Eren, I think anything’s possible at this point. The _only_ thing we can really be sure of is that we don’t know shit. I think it’s naive to assume that the three titans are working alone. And I think if we assume there are more like you, we’re less likely to be unpleasantly surprised if they do show themselves.”

That’s not a comforting thought, but it makes sense. But even more awful than the idea that there are possibly more titan shifters lurking around in the world, is the idea that springs into Eren’s mind and refuses to leave, no matter how much he’d like to ignore it. It digs in deep, refuses to budge, and Erens grip on his spoon tightens so much that the metal bends under his fingers.

Levi’s brows inch up his forehead. “You okay there?”

“Yes. No. Yes.” Eren drops the bent spoon into his bowl with a clatter. “No.”

“Right, clearly,” Levi says. “Come on, out with it, you look constipated.”

“I just…” He groans, pushing a hand through his hair. “My dad.”

“What about him?”

“He… He knew about all this. What, exactly, I don’t know, but… I keep wondering if… Maybe he intended for me to be fighting on a different side. If he knew I could do this, if he gave me this power… What if the original intention was to have me fight _against_ you?”

Levi frowns. “I don’t think that was his intention. You said he told you that controlling your power was the only way to save everyone’s lives.”

“Yeah. But he could mean that whatever the titans are doing…”

“Be stupid to rule it out, I suppose. But whatever his intentions, they don’t really matter now. We have you, you’re fighting with us, so all we can do is get you to that basement and hope Grisha left a fucking note or a how-to guide or something helpful.”

“The how-to guide would be great, honestly.”

“Wouldn’t it just? Don’t worry too much, Eren. We’ll puzzle this all out eventually. Hopefully without too much more trial and error, but even then I think we’ll be alright.”

“Really?”

Levi nods. “We already know more than we did a month ago. You’re only going to get stronger if you keep training, and once we get to that basement, hopefully we’ll have a better idea of just what the fuck is going on. I know we shouldn’t pin all our hopes on it, but there really isn’t an alternative.”

“Sure there is, you could let the MPs have me and make this someone else’s problem.”

Levi kicks him under the table. “Not funny.”

“It’s a little bit funny.”

“It’s really not.”

“Not even a little?”

“No.” Levi huffs. “And there's a very real possibility they’re going to make another attempt to gain custody of you. Which is going to throw a bit of a wrench in the works, but what can you do?”

Eren sighs. “Is it going to be like this forever? Constantly dodging the MPs who want my head on a platter?”

“Of course it’s not, don’t be stupid. Once the titans are gone, there won’t be anything they can do. What, they’re going to try and stop us?” Levi smiles darkly. “I’d like to see them try. Once there’s nothing between us and the rest of the world, they can fucking try to come after us, but they won’t fucking get far.”

Eren stares at him, heart rate spiking. “What are you saying?”

“Hm? I’m saying that we go. Like you wanted. Once the titans are gone, we leave. There’s a whole world out there, right? You wanted to see it, so we’ll go. I think that’s a perfect retirement, don’t you?”

It had been Eren’s idea, an errant one, and Levi had seemed… torn, at the time. Maybe if only because the titans have been a threat for a century now and imagining a world without them seems to far flung as to be impossible. But the fact that he’s come round to the idea… Eren wants it so badly. To see the world side by side with Levi, free to go where they please, beholden to no one but themselves.

“It’s a deal,” Eren says. “We kill all the titans, tell the MPs to go fuck themselves, load up Lark and Horse and go.”

“Sounds good.” Levi smiles softly. “Fuck you for that, by the way.”

“Fucking hell, for what? We were having a _moment_ , why do you always have to-“

“For making me want a future,” Levi says, wholly ignorant of the way his words make Eren’s heart stutter. “Survival was always my goal. I never got to think about what came after. But now you’ve put ideas in my head, made me hope for shit I’ve never wanted before. So you’d better fucking keep your cute ass alive, because I’ve got plans and I’ll be _real_ fuckin’ pissed if you get yourself killed before then.”

Eren swallows. “I’ll do my best.”

“Damn right you will. First the titans, then we go see the world. Got it, Jaeger? That’s the way it’s going to be and I’m not even in the vicinity of fucking around.”

“Good, me neither.” As pleased as he is, he can’t resist one last jab. “So, talking about the future, does this mean you’re going to make an honest man out of me, then?”

Levi rolls his eyes and Eren snickers, wisely drawing his legs back when Levi shifts to kick him again. “You topsiders and your weird rituals.”

“You really didn’t have any marriages underground?”

“No, not at all. We didn’t exactly have Wall Ministers wandering round officiating shit. It’s purely an above ground concept. Only know about it because I read about it in books.”

“Ah, shame.”

“Yeah, that’s the one thing we were really lacking down there. Marriage. Not food and clean water or sunlight or medicine.”

“I was _joking_ , holy shit.”

“If you want to attend a wedding so bad, suggest it to Farlan. He’s been frothing at the mouth to marry Jan since they were kids. I reckon it won’t take much convincing for him to tie the knot.”

“He’s a bit of a romantic, isn’t he?”

“He is, it makes me physically nauseous.”

“Don’t act like you wouldn’t fucking love every second of it. You’d be so happy to see him hitched, I know you would. I bet you’ll cry.”

“It’s like you’ve never met me.”

“I have and better than that, I know how secretly soft you are inside. All gooey and sweet, it’s cute.”

“You want to test how soft I am? I bet the training circuit’s free, I’ll have your ass in the dirt in five seconds, brat, don’t try me.”

“Mm, promises, promises.”


	63. Chapter 63

Eren barely gets a day to recover before Erwin decides to stick his eyebrows into their business and cause problems on purpose. Levi’s surprised it’s even taken him this long and is absolutely dreading the ensuing conversation because Erwin’s had plenty of time to stock up arguments and counterpoints and if Levi wants to leave the Commander’s office with his sanity intact, he’s going to have to leave his fucking dignity at the door.

Levi’s not been playing bodyguard intentionally, but he’s definitely been running interference, not just between Erwin and Eren, but between Hanji and Eren, too. For his own sake, not just the brat’s. No doubt as soon as they can get their filthy paws on him, they’ll want to run him through as many tests as possible to make sure he’s not been adversely affected by such traumatic injuries, and as much as Levi would like the confirmation that Eren is as sound as he appears, the stress of handing him over to Hanji may actually kill him.

The rest of the scouts get a week to recover, it seems wildly unfair that Eren only gets a day. Levi adds that to his list of rebuttals that he’s been collecting to throw in Erwin’s face as needed, but he’s not really cheered by how weak their arguments are. He’d feel a lot better about the whole thing if he had any idea what Erwin was going to say. As it stands, they’re going in blind, something Levi’s done far too much of already this week.

Nothing for it, though. Better to just get it over with.

Thankfully, Eren’s not anxious about the meeting. He doesn’t look it, anyway, and Levi’s gotten pretty good at reading him. There’s no skill involved since Eren’s emotions are always on full display on his face, no matter what he’s feeling, but he’s definitely started learning a few tricks from Levi about how to misdirect people with his outward appearance. He’s a lot better at keeping a level head, at the very least. For a duration of about half a minute. Then it’s anyone’s guess what he’ll do.

Surprisingly, though, it’s not just Eren and Levi that Erwin sends for. Red fucking flag number one. He also sends for Mikasa and Armin, Jean for some bizarre reason, plus Hanji and Farlan, and though Isabel rages about being excluded, Levi reminds her that whatever they find out she’ll end up knowing eventually, because like fuck Levi’s going to keep anything from her. She’s proven her loyalty a hundred times over, has the fucking wound in her side to prove it.

They gather in one of the smaller rooms, an old office type space down the hall from Hanji’s Pit. An old study, from the looks of it, that Erwin’s repurposed into what could easily be called a war room. The name definitely suits, considering their Commander is sat at the head of the table looking ready to declare war at a moment’s notice. Levi’s never seen his eyebrows so severe.

“Captain, Eren,” Erwin says as they step inside. “Thank you for joining us.”

Levi ignores him, takes a seat at the far end of the table like the petty bitch he is. Eren sits at his right side, opposite Mikasa, who offers a small smile at her brother that’s too tight to be genuine. Levi appreciates the effort, though, nods at her when she glances his way.

“What’s all this about then?” Levi asks. “Not for nothing, but I’m not liking the implications of this babysitter’s club.”

“We have some pressing matters to discuss,” Erwin says, not put off by Levi’s surly tone in the slightest. “And as far as we know, the only trustworthy members of our corps are in this room.”

Levi looks around the table. “That’s it? Know something I don’t?”

“In all likelihood, yes,” Erwin says. Bastard. “Considering I myself wasn’t made aware of this development until a short while ago. That is unless Arlert has seen fit to share his hypothesis with anyone else?”

Eren’s head snaps up, whips in Armin’s direction, and Armin sinks down his seat a good few inches under everyone’s scrutiny.

“No, Sir,” he mumbles.

“Very well.” Erwin laces his fingers together on the tabletop, looking no more troubled than he would at a particularly awkward dinner. “We believe we have an idea as to the identity of the female titan.”

Well, now.

“Alright,” Levi says, kicking Eren hard in the ankle before he can open his stupid mouth and get all _Eren_ about this. “Now you have my attention.” Well, no, Armin has Levi’s attention and he turns to the young man with a vague gesture for him to proceed. “I’m listening.”

Armin swallows. “Well, it’s… It’s difficult to say. But I had my suspicions when… When she didn’t kill me.”

“Right,” Levi says. “Considering the way she mowed down literally every scout unlucky enough to cross her path, I can see why that would flag up. What happened?”

Armin looks relieved, turns in his seat to face Levi fully, just the way Levi had intended. It’s hard enough for Armin to talk in front of their ragtag group of six, having to voice his hypothesis in front of a room of soldiers and superiors has got to be more than a little daunting. If he focuses on Levi, he’ll stay out of his own head, so they won’t have to coax his explanation out of him. That, and Eren’s about ten seconds away from hyperventilating from the effort of keeping his head.

“She came from the right wing, which either meant she was one of the scouts from that squad or she’d chased us down from the walls. Judging by the fact that the right wing was annihilated, I think it’s safe to assume she’s not one of our own. If she was part of the formation, she would have known from the beginning that Eren was nowhere near the right wing.”

“Yes, that was my thought as well,” Erwin murmurs. “Someone close enough to Arlert to want to spare him, even as they went after our ranks with what appeared as extreme prejudice.”

“It wasn’t, though,” Levi counters. “Every scout she killed she went after because they attacked first. She didn’t go out of her way to end lives, not until she got to my squad. Then she started getting vicious. I guess being so close to her target made her desperate.” He turns back to Armin. “What happened when she found you?”

“She knocked me off my horse,” Armin finally says. “After she killed Ness and Ciss. She could have killed me, but she pulled my hood back to get a look at my face. That’s when I realised she was looking for Eren. But she ran off, left me alive. And I wondered why.”

“Not standard abnormal behaviour.”

“No, that’s what I thought. Even an abnormal would have eaten scouts that they struck down, but she just killed them and moved on.”

“What did you do then?”

“Well, I linked up with Reiner and Jean and we tailed her for about a kilometer or so. We tried to take her down.”

Levi really does have to hand it to these kids. They’re a really impressive brand of insane. “Three untested recruits against a titan shifter, huh? You’ve got balls, that’s for sure.”

“We were just trying to slow her down,” Armin says, flushing. “We thought maybe we could give the platoon enough time to get ahead.”

“Well, you did, so I guess we can’t really fault you. Still, though, Armin, taking her on was a special kind of crazy.”

“That’s what I said,” Jean mutters.

“No you didn’t,” Armin says. “You called me brilliant.”

“No, pretty sure I said crazy.”

“Alright, brats, can it,” Levi snaps. “Armin. Then what happened?”

“Well, she…” Armin swallows. “It went as badly as you’d expect. We nearly lost Reiner, but he managed to cut himself out of her grip. Then we bolted. But she was clearly working through the ranks trying to find Eren. So what we assumed from the start was correct.”

Not that there had ever been any doubt. For some reason, the enemy wants Eren, and they’re willing to kill as many people as it takes to get to him.

“I’m not seeing how any of this is particularly damning evidence about her identity,” Levi says. “All it’s doing is painting her as a ruthless asshole. So what’s the real clue, Armin?”

Armin swallows hard. “She tried to kill Jean, threw her arm back to swipe at him. I didn’t know what else to do other than distract her, I’d hit my head when she attacked, so I wasn’t thinking that clearly. But I said, and I don’t know why, but I said “don’t let that suicidal maniac have died in vain”.”

Levi points at Eren. “This one? This suicidal idiot?”

“He said “maniac”,” Eren grumbles.

“Mm, pretty sure I heard “idiot”.”

A brief smile fickers over Armin’s face. “That’s the one. I figured… I figured if she’d wiped out the right wing, if she’d drawn the titans there to attack, then she was slowly working her way through the squads until she found him. I thought that if she heard he was already dead it might stall her.”

“And it worked,” Jean says. “For a half-cocked plan you thought up with a debilitating concussion, you sure as fuck managed to think quick enough to save my life.”

“Because he’s brilliant,” Eren says proudly. Armin flushes an alarming shade of crimson.

“Alright, get out of his ass,” Levi says. “Then what happened?”

“She got away from us,” Armin says. “We were down a horse so we couldn’t pursue until someone answered our distress call. Then we joined up with the rear guard and took our positions on the forest perimeter.”

Levi waits for the rest, frowns when Armin doesn’t continue. “That’s it? No grand reveal? I thought you knew who she was?”

“There are multiple factors,” Erwin says at last. “Her knowledge of what Eren looks like, the fact that she was privy to the misinformation we fed our soldiers. Her response to Eren’s… interesting childhood nickname.”

“I don’t see how-“

“Oh, holy fuck,” Eren blurts out, clapping a hand over his mouth a second too late. All eyes at the table swivel to him, varying degrees of shock on all their faces. He shakes his head, eyes wide with a kind of horror Levi’s never seen on his face before.

“Yeah,” Armin says miserably and Levi’s suddenly keenly aware that he’s watching a weird sort of communication between two people who’ve known each other for well over a decade.

“No,” Eren breathes, muffled against his palms. “Armin, _no_.”

“Remarkably quick on the uptake, Eren,” Erwin says and Levi’s pretty sure he should be insulted by that comment on Eren’s behalf, but he’s too busy feeling sick to death of only having a fraction of all the information they have to hand.

“Alright, enough with the posturing,” Hanji snaps before Levi can. “Who killed my fucking test subjects?”

“Really?” Farlan mutters at the same time Moblit elbows them. “The entire right wing and half the Levi squad and you’re still upset about your fucking test subjects?”

“Someone has to be!”

“No, Hanji, they really don’t.”

“Enough,” Erwin says with the kind of authority Levi fucking _wishes_ he could exert. He’s not often disobeyed these days, but it takes a hell of a lot of shouting and kicking to get to that point. If he could command with a single word… Well, his afternoons would be a lot more peaceful, honestly.

“Armin,” Erwin continues. “If you please.”

“Don’t,” Eren chokes out, finally dropping his hands. “It’s not her, Armin, it’s _not_.”

“Eren…”

“Just because you don’t want it to be true doesn’t mean that it isn’t,” Mikasa says coldly. “Have more faith in your _real_ friends, Eren.”

Ouch.

“I have plenty of faith!” Eren snaps, half-rising out of his chair until Levi grabs the back of his shirt and yanks him back down. He doesn’t even spare Levi a glance, doesn’t seem to care that he’s dangerously close to losing his shit in front of pretty much all his superiors. The ones that matter, anyway. “I have faith in my fucking comrades, Mikasa! She’s our _friend_ , she trained with us! She taught me how to fucking fight, why would she do that if she wanted to kill me?!”

“Because she didn’t know what you are!” Mikasa fires back. “None of us did until Trost. Your first transformation put a target on your back and you know it. That was when they knew what you could do, when they knew they needed to get to you. Stop ignoring the facts just because you don’t like what they’re telling you.”

“It’s not her,” Eren says, full of his trademark conviction. “I’ll bet my life on it.”

“Good,” Erwin says, sending alarm bells ringing deafeningly in Levi’s head. “Because that’s what we’re going to do.”

“Hold on, Erwin,” Hanji says, beating Levi to the punch once more. “Who is it we’re talking about here? Another cadet, I gather, but which one?”

“Her name is Annie Leonhardt,” Erwin says.

He’s met with silence.

“Yeah, that means nothing to us,” Farlan says. “Which one was she?”

“Blonde hair, blue eyes,” Mikasa says. “Face like the Captain’s.”

“Oh, the one who threw the big guy across the training ground? Damn, I always knew she was terrifying.”

“Shut up,” Eren snaps. “It’s _not_ her.”

“We’ll find out soon enough,” Erwin says, unfurling a map across the tabletop. Levi doesn’t have to look too closely to know that it’s a map of Stohess. He knew the layout of the city before he’d ever set foot on the surface. Well, he knew where the MP supply stores were, at least. “Because we’re going to lure her out.”

“Stohess is far too close to the MPs for my liking,” Levi says. “You’d better have a fucking ironclad plan.”

Erwin nods. “This tunnel,” he says, drawing a finger across a line down the center of the map. “It’s part of an old subterranean route below the surface. If we lure her down there, she’ll be practically immobile, even in titan form. We can restrain her, and bring her in for questioning.”

Levi stares at the map. He knows that tunnel. He knows it well. It’s the old route he and Farlan used to take to sneak into the MPs storerooms after dark. It’s so fucking close to the southern entrance to the underground that Levi’s fucking skin prickles, like even this far away the dank darkness is calling him back. Judging by the distressed expression on Farlan’s face, he’s thinking the same thing.

“If she transforms before we can get her down there, then you’ll need to deal with her, Eren,” Erwin says. “Otherwise the fallout will be catastrophic. Untold casualties.”

Untold casualties. That’s fucking rich coming from him.

“How exactly are we meant to get her down there?” Eren demands. “What, we just show up in Stohess and ask to borrow one of their officers? “Hey, Annie, come on down into this fucking creepy tunnel for a sec”. She’s smart, she won’t buy that crap.”

“Which is why you need to convince her you need her help,” Erwin says. “If she’s under the impression she’s assisting a comrade, the temptation to try and capture you will be too great to resist. Banking on that, it shouldn’t be too difficult to get her to follow you.”

“I can do it,” Armin mumbles wretchedly. “I can convince her.”

“Armin,” Eren says, appalled. “I thought you…”

“I don’t want to believe it’s her,” Armin says, eyes flashing with the sort of fire that belongs in Eren’s eyes rather than his. “But when we submitted our gear for the inspection after section commander Hanji’s titans were killed, she didn’t present her own gear. She presented Marco’s.”

Jean stiffens at that, jaw clenching with an audible snap. Eren gapes and Levi can see the moment he begins - albeit reluctantly - to see the truth. It’s painful to watch, the way hurt and betrayal flash across Eren’s face, but Levi can’t focus on that right now. They have a lead, a fucking good one because Armin’s a goddamn genuis, and Levi’s going to do everything he can to ensure he gets the chance to carve out his revenge for his squad in the titan bitch’s skin.

“I can’t…” Eren lets his head fall into his hands. “It can’t be her.”

“The only way we’ll know for sure is if we do this,” Mikasa says. “If she’s not the titan, then we can apologise later. But if she _is_...” She trails off, eyes hardening, and Levi knows that he’s not the only one who’s going to enjoy the retribution they get when they take this bitch down.

“Whatever,” Eren says darkly. “Just don’t expect me to be fucking happy about this. In my mind, she’s innocent until proven guilty. Nothing you say will change that.”

It’s testament to how strong Eren’s heart is that he can make such a genuine statement. It shows, once again, that he’s a good man, a kind man, and Levi loves him for it. It’s fine that he wants concrete proof, Levi’s more than capable of giving it to him. Levi can be cruel enough for the both of them. He can act when Eren won’t. They’re a team, after all.

“So what’s the deal with Stohess?” Hanji asks. “We’ll need a pretty convincing cover story.”

“That issue has taken care of itself,” Erwin says. “In a roundabout sort of way, at least. We’ll only have one chance to trap Leonhardt and if we fail, we stand to lose a great deal. Eren, I understand that this is hard for you to hear, but I must press on you the importance of devoting yourself to this operation wholeheartedly.”

“I understand, Sir,” Eren says stiffly. “I’ve just never been able to see my friends as traitors without evidence.”

“Understandable. But perhaps your sense of self-preservation will overrule that particular reservation.”

“Wouldn’t bank on it,” Jean mutters and Levi has to agree.

“I don’t follow, Sir.”

Erwin sighs. “This isn’t how I wanted this to play out, but my hand has been forced here. I received the summons yesterday evening, once the expedition report reached Premier Zackly. In a way, they’ve given us exactly the cover we need to be able to enter Stohess without suspicion. But if our plan fails, then we’ll be much worse off and our ability to counteract will be severely limited.”

“I really don’t like where this is going,” Farlan says.

Erwin nods. “Neither did I, but we are, I hate to admit it, completely out of options. The Military Police have issued a formal request for Eren’s custody to be transferred to them. And the Premier has granted their request.”

Levi stiffens. Eren notices, Mikasa notices, hell they all fucking notice but Levi can’t do shit about it. He’s fucking trapped and Erwin knows it, knows that Levi can’t refute that bullshit without causing a goddamn fucking scene. And he’s wildly overestimated how level Levi can keep his head because causing a scene is starting to look really fucking good right now.

“We’ll be entering Stohess to hand Eren over into the custody of the Military Police, and will therefore have an extremely limited window in which to act. We _must_ trap Leonhardt before the MPs realise what we’re planning. If they manage to stop us, we lose not only the female titan, but Eren as well. And all our sacrifices will have been for naught.”

“You want to hand him over,” Levi says slowly, voice dangerously soft. “You want to march him into Stohess and risk his life on a fucking _whim?”_

“It’s not a whim, Levi,” Erwin says evenly. “We are as certain about the female’s identity as it’s possible to be. And even if we weren’t, we can’t openly defy the Premier’s orders without inciting a rebellion. A rebellion we are in no way equipped to handle.”

“It’s alright,” Eren says, drawing Levi’s furious gaze. “I’ll do it. Not like I have a choice, right?”

“Unfortunately, no,” Erwin says. “But if we can trap the female, we will be in a unique position, one we’ve never been in before, where we will finally have the upper hand. Once she is in custody, it will be no hardship to convince the MPs that you should remain with us. We’re not just going to hand you over to them, Eren. On that, you have my word.”

“Thank you, Sir,” Eren says, managing to inject an impressive amount of venom into the words, all hidden behind a thin veil of courtesy. Levi’s taught him well.

“I’ll have more information for you soon,” Erwin says. “Dismissed.”

They all file out, Farlan, Moblit, and Hanji first, each of them touching Eren reassuringly on the shoulder as they go, though Hanji can’t seem to stop themselves from wrapping him into a tight hug before departing, and from the look on Eren’s face he needs it just as much as they do. Mikasa and Armin linger, but Levi shakes his head minutely and they file out reluctantly. Erwin doesn’t move an inch, busies himself with rolling the map back up, blissfully unaware that the moment they have some privacy, Levi is going to _kill him_.

“Eren, go.”

Eren looks at him. “Are you kidding?”

“No. Go.”

“You can’t be-”

“That’s an order, Jaeger.”

He’s going to get shit for that later, he knows. But he can’t have Eren here right now. Not when there’s every possibility Erwin won’t be leaving this room with his fucking throat intact. And Eren’s not fucking happy about being dismissed, gets up like a petulant child, knocks his chair over and leaves it there, stomping over to the door and slamming it behind him like Levi’s just sent him to his room. Yes, Levi will be getting some absolute shit for that later, but that is very much a problem for future Levi, who may or may not have more pressing issues to deal with, depending on how Erwin chooses to proceed.

Yeah, a domestic argument might turn out to be the least of Levi’s worries, because he might end up getting executed for ripping his Commanding officer’s head off his goddamn shoulders.

But of course he already knows what Levi’s thinking. The moment the door slams shut behind Eren, he holds the rolled up map aloft, pointing the end of it down the table at Levi. “If you complain that I didn’t run this by you first, just know that I had every intention of doing so, you were avoiding me.”

“As if that makes any fucking difference,” Levi snaps. “You could’ve easily tracked me down if you needed to. Don’t pretend like you had even the slightest inclination towards telling me about any of this until now. I fucking _know_ how you work.”

“Perhaps,” Erwin says. “Or maybe I wanted to give you some time to recuperate after the events of the expedition.”

“Bull _shit.”_

“I have things to do, Levi,” Erwin says wearily. “Say what’s on your mind or go, please.”

There’s a hell of a lot of shit on Levi’s mind right now so Erwin’s really not done himself any favours by inviting Levi to dump all of it on him. He just has no idea where to fucking start, but once he gets going, Erwin Smith is going to be one of the few people on earth to find out just how loquacious Levi can be when he’s pissed the fuck off.

“I’m trying to figure you out,” Levi says, eyes narrowed. “This whole time I thought you were actually secretly kind of decent. But then you pull shit like this and I have to fucking wonder if there really is even a scrap of humanity in you at all.”

“Because you don’t like the orders I’ve given you?”

“I never fucking like the orders you give me. That’s why you have to _order_ me to do them. And you haven’t given me any orders about this yet, _Sir_. Though I’m pretty sure I can fucking guess what they’ll be.”

“By all means, if you think you have a better plan, I’m all ears.”

“You fucking know I don’t. But you also had to know I wouldn’t agree to this.”

“I knew,” Erwin says. “Luckily for me, though, I don’t need you to agree. It’s going to happen with or without you.” He arches a brow. “But I’m fairly confident you won’t let Eren walk into Stohess without you. As inconvenient as this is, at least I can count on that.”

“Inconvenient,” Levi repeats icily. “It’s not fucking _inconvenient_ , Erwin, you’re asking me to hand him over to people who want him dead. That’s not fucking inconvenient, that’s _cruel_.”

“To you, perhaps,” Erwin says. “I hate to say it, Levi, but that’s not my problem. I’m not the one letting the lines of propriety blur. Or did you think I hadn’t noticed?”

“If this is the part where you tell me you’ve known this entire time-”

“I have eyes, Levi. I knew before you did.”

“You’re so fucking full of it. Genuinely. Do you have to work hard to be this arrogant, or is it a talent you were born with?”

“Stop deflecting.”

“I’m not fucking deflecting!”

“You are,” Erwin says. “And I know it’s awful and unfair and all manner of childish things, but you are a soldier, first and foremost. As is Eren. I’m surprised at you, honestly. Eren’s more prepared to fight for the cause than you are.”

“Because he fucking believes in it,” Levi snaps. “I don’t, I never did. I never wanted to be a scout, I had to sit back and watch while you wormed your way inside my sister’s fucking head and now I have to watch you do the same to Eren. How the fuck do you sleep at night, huh? Brainwashing goodhearted people into your little suicide corps?”

“Terribly,” Erwin says wearily. “But you won’t change my mind on this, Levi. The course is set, all any of us can do is ride the current and hope to break the surface before we drown.”

“Fuck _off_ with your fucking metaphors. I’m not in the goddamn mood.”

“You never are. But if you’re determined not to see reason, then you have my full permission to sit this mission out.”

“You know I can’t do that.”

“Yes, I do. So what’s really the issue here? By all means, vent your frustrations. You won’t be the first person to tell me that I’m wrong or cruel and you won’t be the last. But if my actions ensure that we may one day leave these walls behind, I won’t falter. Not for you, not for anyone. I’d sacrifice my life before I gave in. Do you understand what it’s like to have that kind of conviction, Levi? Has there never been something you’ve believed in with your whole heart?”

Yes, there has. And Erwin wants to send it into Stohess and hand it over to the MPs on a gambit. But like fuck is Levi giving him the satisfaction of admitting it.

“I’ll be there,” Levi says through gritted teeth. “I’ll ride into Stohess, I’ll make like I’m going to hand him over. You fucking knew I wouldn’t be able to do anything else. Don’t sit there and act like my relationship to Eren isn’t a fucking ace up your sleeve. As long as you have him, you have me, and you fucking know it. But.”

Levi inhales, closes his eyes and reaches for that part of himself he’s tried so hard to stamp down since he broke free of the underground. It’s there, waiting for him, just like Eren’s bloodthirsty titan waits for its host’s bloody call. Just like Eren, Levi will never be rid of it, that part of him stained by years worth of blood and hate, by a will to survive stronger than anything Levi’s ever known.

“But I swear to god, Erwin. If he dies... If the MPs get their hands on him and he dies because _you_ handed him over… I’ll make good on Lovoff’s job and finish you off myself. I promise you now. If _anything_ happens to him… You won’t live long enough to regret it.”

Erwin meets his gaze head on, unflinching, undaunted. To his credit, he doesn’t so much as yield an inch. “If he dies,” Erwin says, “then humanity’s hope dies with him. Make your threats if it eases your mind to do so, but never once in my life have I ever acted without humanity’s best interests at heart.”

“I know,” Levi says. “You’ve spent so long fighting for humanity, you’ve forgotten how to be human along the way. What happens when the war’s won, Erwin? When you’re so warped by all the shit you’ve done in humanity’s name that you can’t remember how to live as one of them?”

“I don’t know,” Erwin says honestly. “But I’d like to live long enough to find out.”

“Then keep Eren alive,” Levi threatens. “Because I can assure you, you won’t like what’s waiting for you if he dies. You think titans are the greatest threat humanity’s ever faced and you’re right. But that’s because you’ve never had me as an enemy.”

In a twisted sort of way, Levi’s baring his heart here in a move he’s never made before. He’s threatened, lied, cheated, a thousand times since he was a kid, so many times he’s lost count and knows the taste of a threat on his tongue better than anything else. But never before has there been fear behind the threat. Because that’s all this is, isn’t it? The last desperate plea of a man with so much to lose and every possibility that he might. Levi doesn’t know what he’ll do if the MPs get their hands on Eren. All he does know is that he’ll cause as much pain as possible before the grief kills him too.

He’s not sure what he’s expecting in response to his very real threat. A mocking smile, maybe. That sickeningly indulgent smirk that Erwin gives people when he knows he has the upper hand. But what he gets is an almost deranged smile, one that tells Levi that he has, yet again, walked right into Erwin’s trap.

“I did wonder,” Erwin says, as though the secrets of the fucking universe have just been revealed to him. “What it would take to secure your loyalty for good. It was never going to be the cause, your will was too strong for that.”

“Don’t you fucking dare,” Levi warns. “Erwin, I’m fucking warning you now, don’t you dare try to use Eren as leverage against me. It won’t fucking work.”

“Out of everything you’ve said today,” Erwin says, “I think that’s the first lie you’ve told. And I have to say, Captain... It’s not a very convincing one.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like some form of disclaimer is needed here. 
> 
> Erwin... Contains multitudes. I don't dislike him, not at all. I actually really enjoy his character. I like him, but I also hate him. And that's not because I don't like his character, but just because he feels - to me, at least - a lot like a villain. But in a really interesting way. He's got these ideals, he firmly believes in his cause, to an almost fanatical degree, and I think his motivations and his methods are both genius and heartless in equal measure. I enjoy writing him so much because I like writing characters who know they're being morally corrupt, but yet still believe with their whole being that the ends justify the means. I love writing him, I don't like him, but I also really do.
> 
> Also love me some feral Levi. Go underground on his ass, babe, we love to see it!


	64. Chapter 64

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a couple of you have been wondering just how “canon divergent” this story is going to be and from this point on, I am pleased to be able to tell you that the answer is “very”. The major points of the divergence won’t become apparent until we get to the sequel and if my calculations are correct (which they rarely are sjjdjf) we’re probably looking at final chapter of this instalment being maybe 68 (I fucking hope I can get it to 69. Like I will have succeeded as a writer if I can do that sndjjd)
> 
> Love you! Thanks for sticking with me through this!

Remarkably, Erwin survives his altercation with Levi and despite being the one making the threats, Levi’s the one left shaken by the interaction. He hates it, hates the unsteadiness in his hands, hates that he feels sore and wrung out and so fucking helpless, because Erwin’s fucking got his claws in deep and there is nothing Levi can do to push back, no matter how badly he wants to. They don’t have a choice and in just a few days, they’ll have to turn Eren over to the MPs. Unless they can capture the female.

Levi wants to scream. When he’d given in to Isabel’s righteous ambition to join the scouts for good, he’d envisioned a lifetime of routine expeditions, honing his skills against the nape of titans, pushing forward by degrees until he either died or could no longer fly. He wasn’t supposed to get wrapped up in a fucking war for the future of humanity. He wasn’t supposed to lower his guard enough to let anyone else in, because what the fuck good is caring for peope when you can lose them?

He wants to barricade himself in his quarters and ignore the world. He wants to grab Eren by the scruff of his neck, get him on a horse and leave everything behind. He wants to march down to the Pit and demand Hanji figure out how Levi can rip this fucking power out of Eren’s body so he can take it for himself and shoulder the burden alone.

He can’t do any of that. He can’t even go back to his quarters because he knows Eren will be there, ready and fired up for an argument Levi has no energy to fight against.

It’s fine. His weary feet take him where he needs to be. Even when everything is falling down around him, Levi can - at the very least - trust himself.

Mariska narrows her eyes at him when he steps through the door of the infirmary, giving him an unnecessarily intense onceover. He holds up his hands, moves over to the wash basin to scrub down, and gestures to himself with a wordless arch of a brow to say _it’s me_. Out of all the soldiers, the one Mariska doesn’t have to worry about obeying sickroom hygiene rules is Levi.

“Don’t stress her out,” Mariska says by way of allowance. “She’s resting.”

“Fine.”

Levi slips through the far door, making his way over to Isabel’s bedside. There’s no sign of Petra, likely having been turfed out for the night by the good Doctor, which Levi can’t exactly fault her for. Petra’s hardly left Isabel’s side since they got back, and she’s starting to look as exhausted as Levi feels. She’s got bags under her eyes deep enough to rival Levi’s on a good day.

Isabel doesn’t stir when Levi takes a seat at her bedside, but her breathing is a little too even to be genuine. Levi watches her for a long moment, shaking his head with a fond, if slightly strained smile, before he leans over to poke her cheek.

“You’re supposed to be resting.”

Isabel’s nose twitches and she reaches up a hand to smack him away. She cracks open one eye, then the other, giving Levi a mischievous grin. “If I pretend to be asleep, Mariska doesn’t poke me with sharp things and steal my blood.”

“I don’t think she’s stealing it.”

“I don’t want her to take it, I need it. So: stealing.”

“You know, I can’t actually dispute that. Fair enough.”

“Whatcha doin’ here anyways?” She asks, holding out an arm. Levi takes it, helps ease her up into a sitting position, propped up against her pillows. “Was the meeting that bad?”

Levi nods. “Went about as bad as it could have, yeah.”

“Uh-oh. Who punched who?”

“No one. Different kind of bad.”

“Oh?” She looks up at him, a bleak sort of understanding sweeping over her face. “How bad we talkin’?”

Levi’s mouth thins into a grim line. “Very. The MPs have made a claim for custody of Eren. Zackly signed off on it. Officially, we’ll be riding into Stohess to hand him over.”

Isabel blinks, long and slow. Levi’s at least partially grateful to the pain medication that’s dulling her senses, because if she was in full possession of all her faculties, she’d be storming out of the infirmary to kick Erwin’s door down herself. “Oh, you fuckers are lucky I’ve got more holes than energy right now or I’d be kicking the shit out of every superior officer from here to the Capital.”

“You and me both.”

“I take it you let Erwin have it?”

Hah. If only. “To a degree.” He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “There’s not much I can do. Fuck all, if I’m being honest. It… It’s bad, Isa. It’s really fucking bad.”

Isabel looks at him, looks past everything that would stop everyone else from probing farther, looks past the cracked facade that’s been slowly falling away since they road out on that fucking expedition, and sighs sadly. She reaches out with a wince but ignores the pain and rests a hand on Levi’s shoulder, squeezing tightly.

“What’s the plan?”

Levi exhales heavily. They have enough privacy here that Levi doesn’t have to worry about being overheard - surrounded as they are by the unconscious and the dying - but he still lowers his voice to barely above a breath, leans in so Isabel can catch his murmured explanation. “Decoy, I should think. Erwin won’t risk actually handing Eren over. He’s meant to lure the female titan underground so she’s immobile if she tries to transform. Then we bring her in.”

“And if that fails? If she doesn’t take the bait?”

“Then two titan shifters level Stohess, I guess.”

“Oh, no, what a shame.”

“Isa.”

“What? You’re thinking it, too.” She doesn’t fold her arms, can’t without aggravating her injury, but she doesn’t look thrilled at the plan, just like Levi isn’t. “I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all. You’re telling me that between Armin and Erwin, this is the best we can come up with? There’s too much that can go wrong. That, and I really don’t like the idea of Eren being within a hundred meters of the MPs. Especially not while I’m out of commission.”

“I know,” Levi murmurs. “For what it’s worth… I want you there, too. No one else I’d rather have watching my back.”

“How are _you_ even going to manage?” Isabel asks, pointing at his chest. “Aren’t you like... Melted?”

“...Not quite. I can move well enough. Worst it’ll do is give me some scars. There’s not really any risk of infection at this point. You know me well enough to know something like this won’t stop me.”

“Then I should-”

“No,” Levi says. “Isabel, you’ve got a fucking hole in your side. You could fucking rupture something. You’re not putting your gear on until Mariska clears you for duty again.”

“You’re going to be so many scouts down, though!” Isabel protests. “Me and Petra are out, her leg’s still bad. We lost, like, fifty soldiers. Even at full strength we couldn’t take the female down, what the hell are we meant to do?”

“I’m hoping if it becomes necessary to engage, the MPs will back us.”

“Consorting with the enemy,” Isabel sneers. “Fucking wishful thinking. They’ll shit their britches the minute they see the fucking female transform. You know I’m right - they’ll scurry away like rats and leave us to protect their city.”

“We’ll have better maneuverability in the city, at least.”

“Didn’t fucking help us in the forest, did it?”

“We were unprepared. We know better now.”

Isabel side-eyes him. “That rote shit might work with the others, big brother, but I know better. You can’t convince me of something you don’t believe yourself.”

Levi gives her a grisly smile, one that’s all teeth and tension. “I’m trying my fucking hardest here, Isabel. I nearly lost the both of you. I lost nearly half my fucking squad. I am _this_ close to fucking losing it altogether.”

Isabel looks away. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Levi sighs, drags a hand over his face. “It’s not your fault, I’m just…”

“Kind of is, though,” Isabel murmurs. “I was the one who wanted to sign on for real, right?”

Levi looks at her. “You didn’t make me enlist,” he tells her. “And you sure as hell didn’t make Eren sign up, you know he’s been set on it since he was a kid. I’m here because… Well, it’s what we’ve always done, isn’t it? Even underground, we never let this kind of shit stand. Fought back whenever we could, never gave in. Makes sense we’d do the same up here, right?”

“I guess. Sometimes I wonder, though. Whether we should have stayed down there.”

“No,” Levi says at once. “You couldn’t fucking pay me to go back.”

“Oh, no, absolutely not,” Isabel agrees. “But… Well, things were simpler down there. None of this bureaucratic bullshit to get tied up in. Part of me misses it, I guess. None of the other shit that came with it, though.”

As much as Levi hates to admit it, he does agree. Things _were_ simpler down there. Filthier, crueller, but simpler. They wouldn’t have to worry about anyone trying to kill them out of a misplaced sense of justice, and they wouldn’t have to resort to such desperate attempts just to stay alive. Down there, if you had a problem, you let your fists or your blade do the talking, killed the problem before it could become one. No negotiating, unless you were arranged a protection package and racketeering. But extortion and political maneuvering… Are basically the same thing, actually.

Huh. There really are more similarities between their worlds than Levi’d thought. He should probably feel more at home up here than he does.

“Just because I miss parts of it doesn’t mean I want to go back, though,” Levi says. “I guess I just… Yeah, I miss the simplicity, too. Be a lot easier if we could just behead the problem, but I think anarchy is generally frowned upon.”

“Topsiders,” Isabel says with a scoff. “They’re so fucking weak willed up here. Crawling through sewage and shit builds character. I’d love to see how they’d handle being stuck down there. They wouldn’t last a day.”

“As fun as that would be, it doesn’t really help the issue.”

“No,” Isabel sighs. “And nothing will. But, Levi.” She looks at him, expression determined. “We’re not going to lose him. If this goes to shit - and I hate to say it, but it might - if this goes to shit, then we start fighting for real. I’m prepared to, are you?”

“What kind of question is-”

“I’m ready to end this war,” Isabel says. “And as much as I want to wring Erwin’s weirdly thick neck, I know we need him to do it. He’s the right amount of monster to pull this off. And he’s not just going to hand over the hope of humanity without a fight. And I’m prepared to fight, as hard and as long as I have to. If this plan fails and we lose the female, then just hop Eren’s shoulder and have him vault the fucking walls. We can go from there.”

“You understand how insane that sounds, right?”

“We make regular expeditions out into titan country to fight against towering man-eating monsters. I think a little bit of anarchy is the least insane option here, honestly.”

“I can’t just-”

“You literally can!” Isabel says. “You’re the strongest soldier in the fucking military, who the hell could stop you? You can physically rip a man’s head off his shoulders if he pisses you off, I’ve seen you do it.”

“One time that happened-”

“I’ve seen you do some shit, Levi,” Isabel says, the wrong sort of expression on her face for such a declaration. She looks proud, strangely so, rather than horrified or disgusted by the things she’s witnessed Levi do during their lives. And it’s true, he has done some truly awful, heinous things in the name of survival, but he promised he’d leave that behind if he ever got up here. Now, though, it seems like the need to survive has followed him up here, so he can’t abandoned everything that he was before he became a true citizen above ground.

He hates it.

“I’ve seen you do some shit,” Isabel repeats. “And I don’t get what’s stopping you from just… Losing it. Fuck, you’re strong enough to stage a fucking coup all by yourself. You could kill Erwin and take his place. You and Eren could fucking take off past the walls and try your luck living among the titans. Hell knows out of all of us, you two could probably do it. So what’s stopping you?”

“I’m not a fucking _tyrant_ , Isabel.” Levi uses his strength for two things and that is to keep himself and his loved ones safe. Below ground it was different, he had to do awful things to survive and he also had to get by, so being a thug was his go to for scraping up enough money to live on. Up here he has to at least try to act like he belongs.

“I know you’re not,” Isabel says. “But you’ve never shied away from shit like this before. I know you, I know what you can do. So why won’t you push back on Erwin like I know you want to?”

“Because I still need to earn my place up here!” Levi barks before he can stop himself. Isabel looks at him, satisfied but not pleased by his outburst. He groans, pushes a hand through his hair. “Fuck you.”

“Hey, don’t hate the player, hate the game. I’m not the enemy here, I’m just trying to get you to realise exactly how far you’re willing to go. What would you do to protect Eren? To protect me and Far and Mikasa and Armin? To protect Hanji?”

“You know I’d do anything.”

“No. I know you _can_ do anything. The question is, why _won’t_ you?”

Levi is quiet for a long moment. “...Because I need to know that if this ends… I need to know that I have a place up here. That I won’t… That I won’t have crossed a line that means I don’t get to stay up here. That I don’t get to have…”

“A future,” Isabel finishes. “The one thing you never let yourself want.”

“Fucking _hell_ , Isabel. What the fuck is it with you and Farlan and all this fucking introspection? I’m sick to death of it.”

“Because!” Isabel says. “You got a bit of a late start in life.”

“I fucking what?”

“With emotions and shit. I’m like, fully convinced your emotions didn’t grow in until you were at least fifteen.”

“That’s… I hate that that actually makes some weird sort of sense.”

“Yeah, I’m good like that.”

Levi sighs, reaches over to ruffle her hair. “Thanks. You were horrifically unhelpful, as always.”

“Yeah, yeah, fuck you. Keep telling yourself that. I know you’re scared, hell, I am too. But I don’t think it’s going to go as badly as you think it will. Like you said, we’re more prepared this time, right? And hey, if she does go full titan and level the city, maybe the MPs will beg Eren to save them. Never hurts to have a favour in the bank, right?”

“I think that’s about the best we can hope for.”

“Then I’ll hope for it. And give that titan bitch hell for me, alright?”

“Oh, trust me,” Levi says darkly. “I fully intend to make her pay for everything she’s done.”

* * *

Levi leaves Isabel to rest and returns to his quarters after putting it off for long enough. He worried needlessly, it seems, because they’re empty when he slips inside. Maybe he shouldn’t be surprised, and as grateful as he is that Eren’s not waiting for him to start an argument, he can’t deny that the silence of the dark room is uncomfortably oppressive. It’s twisted, but Levi would honestly prefer Eren to be here in all his not-misplaced anger, than have to face the evening alone.

“Oh, you’re here.”

Levi does not jump a foot in the air. He does not, though his frayed and overworked nerves attempt to make him, send his heart hammering in his chest double time. He does, however, whip round fast enough to fucking twinge his burns something fierce, greeting Eren with a pained grimace instead of literally anything else that would have been infinitely more appropriate.

“Would you fucking _knock_ -“

“These are basically my quarters too. I haven’t had to knock for weeks. Just because you’re jumpy-“

 _”I am not jumpy-“_ He cuts himself off, rubbing a hand over his face. “What are you doing here?”

Eren raises the white bundle in his arms. “I was boiling some bandages. We’re low on supplies after the expedition so I asked Mariska’s to help me sterilise some. Your burns need redressing.”

“No, I meant… Wait, I was literally just in the infirmary and I didn’t see you.”

“Well, no, I was…” Eren flushes. “Avoiding you. A little bit. You left the room after your, uh… Altercation with Erwin looking a bit… Murderous.”

“Fair assessment, I guess. You don’t have to help me redress the bandages, by the way. I can manage on my own. I’d really rather not…” He shrugs one shoulder, the less burned one. “I don’t want you here if you’re just going to give me shit all night.”

Eren sighs, moves over to set the bandages down onto the bed. “I was going to,” he says after a moment. “I really fucking was. Part of me still wants to, I guess, but it’s not you I’m angry with.”

“Really,” Levi says, unconvinced. “After your childish display downstairs?”

“You can’t hold that against me. You sent me off like a fucking child.”

“No, I sent you off like my subordinate. I know it’s difficult, but I _am_ still your Captain.”

“I know,” Eren says. “And I get it. But… I wanted to be there with you. I didn’t understand why you sent me away.”

Levi narrows his eyes. “And you do now?”

Eren coughs, glancing away guiltily. “Not because I’m suddenly a reasonable, levelheaded person, you understand. I was… Eavesdropping.”

There it is. “Figured as much. Nosy shit.”

Eren rolls his eyes, beckoning Levi over to sit down on the edge of the bed as he had done yesterday and this morning when Eren had dutifully redressed his burns again. Sighing, Levi sheds his shirt before sitting down. “Be grateful that I did. If I hadn’t, we’d be having a hell of an argument right now about just what the fuck you were playing at, sending me away like that. Much as I get it, I’m still a _little_ pissed.”

“I’d be concerned for your health if you weren’t. You’re always a little pissed.”

“Mm, I should probably talk to someone about that. Anger management or whatever.”

“Will you?”

“Nah.” Eren flashes him a grin that’s more genuine than Levi had expected to see any time soon and he’s so fucking pleased to see it that the tension all but bleeds out of him. Eren notices, nudges Levi’s knee affectionately with his elbow as he kneels down to start peeling away the old bandages around Levi’s left arm. “I get it. At least, I think I do. I couldn’t hear everything from outside, but I heard enough. I was-”

“I didn’t want him to use you against me,” Levi says suddenly, glaring at the floor. “He’s going to anyway, but I didn’t want to give him any more ammunition. If you’d been there, I’d… I might have actually killed him.”

“...Right,” Eren says, hesitating before reaching for where the bandages are tied off at Levi’s right shoulder. They loosen by degrees as he removes them and Levi grits his teeth through the uncomfortable sensation, only relaxing once the bandages are off and the tightness around his chest eases significantly. “I’m going to let them breathe a little before I redress them, okay?”

“Sure.”

“I’ll wash off the salve, too, before applying a new coat.”

“Fine.”

“Levi,” Eren says, frustrated. “Work with me here.”

It’s not like Levi’s doing it on fucking purpose. He’s just bared too much of himself today, can’t fucking stand to have anyone else treading all over his fucking open wound of a heart. He never used to be like this. He used to be able to guard himself so fucking well. If he were an inch or so more maladjusted, maybe he’d resent Eren for breaking down his barriers so completely.

He looks down at Eren, on his knees while he takes off the last of Levi’s bandages from his right arm, brow furrowed in concentration and tongue caught between his teeth. Levi’s heart seizes painfully.

Not possible. He’s everything that’s right with this bastard world.

Eren moves away, gathers up the soiled bandages and slips into the washroom. He comes back sans bandages, with a damp cloth in his hands, and tucks a leg underneath himself as he settles down beside Levi on the bed, wiping the cool fabric gently over Levi’s chest to clean away the old coating of salve residue that hasn’t sunk in yet. The cold water is unbelievably soothing, chasing away the uncomfortable itch of the healing burns and the gross sensation of tacky salve that’s left Levi feeling dirty and unclean all day.

“I,” Levi says, glancing away. “Eren, I’m…”

“I know,” Eren murmurs and Levi doesn’t doubt him. “I know, Levi.”

He still needs to say it, though. He just wishes it came as easily to him as it seems to for everyone else. “No, it’s-“

“I heard you,” Eren says, smiling faintly. “And you’re allowed to be pissed about that, by the way. I know I shouldn’t have been listening.”

“I’m not pissed.”

“Well, that’s a relief. But…” Eren’s cheeks flush. “What you said… I know you were angry, but… Did you mean it?”

“I meant everything I said,” Levi murmurs. “But as I can recall I didn’t say anything particularly-“ He’s cut off when Eren presses a kiss to his cheek, light and soft and so very, very sweet. “What…?”

“I just…” Eren looks away. “You sounded so ready to fight for me. It was… Well, not nice, but I guess I liked hearing you so…”

“Unhinged? Violent?”

Eren’s lips twitch. “ _Protective_. Though, I have to admit, the unhinged thing… Kind of works for me.”

Levi snorts. “Really?”

“C’mon, can you blame me? You’re always so put together, it’s different seeing you like that. Or hearing you, I guess.” Eren grins lopsidedly, reaches for the salve on the nightstand, ignoring Levi’s grimace. “Weirdly fascinating. Definitely kind of sexy.”

“Of all things, _that’s_ what gets you going? Why doesn’t your brain work normally?”

“Unsure. At least I’m not boring, though.”

“That’s true, I guess.”

Carefully, Eren begins to work the salve into Levi’s skin. He’s just as careful as he always is, works methodically and never lingers in one place for too long, like he knows Levi can only handle so much contact. He’s right and, where he anyone else, Levi would physically remove his hands if his touch remained for longer than Levi was willing to allow. But it’s Eren, and Levi’s usual rules don’t apply to him. Despite the uncomfortable sensation of the salve on his skin and the slight discomfort of pressure against his burns, Levi doesn’t want Eren to stop. This care and attention, it’s not something Levi’s ever experienced before. It’s strange to have someone’s attention focused so fully on him with the intent to heal rather than harm. It’s nice, strangely so.

“We’ll be alright,” Eren says as he begins to wind fresh bandages around Levi’s arm. “Stohess… We can do it. We know what we’re up against now. We’re prepared this time.”

“Eren, you can’t know that.”

“I don’t,” Eren says. “But I have faith. I mean, you and Mikasa will be there, I’ll be able to fight. As much… As much as I want Armin to be wrong, I can’t deny that there’s…” He swallows. “Evidence.”

“I know it’s difficult. But until we can question her, we can’t afford to be lenient. You need to be prepared to take her down. Can you do that?”

Eren hesitates and Levi gets his answer, though after a moment Eren’s expression hardens unexpectedly. “I can,” he says firmly. “Because you’re willing to fight for me, right? I’ll fight for you, too. For the others. And I need to know why she did it. I need to know why so many had to die. Why she wants me so bad. And I won’t know unless we can take her down. So failure isn’t really an option.”

“No, it’s not,” Levi agrees. “Not when failure means the MPs get you.”

“Yeah,” Eren sighs. “Or maybe I’ll give them the slip. If it all goes south. Sneak away to the underground.”

Levi’s heart twists painfully. “Don’t fucking joke about that,” he snaps, far harsher than intended, but the thought is such a jarringly unpleasant one he feels a little bit sick even considering it. Eren blinks, a little taken aback. “I don’t ever want you down there,” Levi continues, scowling. “The shit down there… Eren, I hope you never have to see it. Not even if your fucking life’s in danger, you’ll never set a foot down there while I’m alive.”

“I… Alright,” Eren says. “But…” He shakes his head. “Never mind. Like you said, failure means the MPs get me, and I’m really not keen on that happening. So we take down the female and… Go from there, I guess?”

“I’m not overly fond of the prospect of winging it, but I assume Erwin has a plan for what to do if we catch her. But I’m tired and more than prepared to concede that problem to him. Even if I do sort of want to kick his teeth in.”

Eren snorts, finishes fastening the bandages and rests a warm hand on Levi’s forearm. “Yeah, same. But we’ve got this, I know we have. As long as you’re not too injured to fight?”

“Fuck off.”

“I’ll take that as a “no”. Tea?”

“God, please.”

Eren smiles, takes himself over to the hearth to light a small fire and prepare the tea. Levi just sits and watches him, watches how confidently he moves around Levi’s space, how he handles Kuchel’s old tea box with something like reverence while he selects a packet from inside. Levi wonders, not for the first time, what it would be like to stand beside Eren in a free world. Would they still be as comfortable with each other? More? Without the threat of titans and militant assholes looming over them, how would they change?

Eren’s not the kind of person who will ever be content to remain still. He enjoys peace, but he’s a restless soul, always will be. Levi’s the same, though for wildly different reasons. Or maybe not. In many ways, they’re just as similar as they are different. Levi’s never going to be content with staying still because he has to keep moving forward, too afraid of what might catch up to him if he lingers. Eren, by contrast, needs to move to feel free. There’s nothing he hates more than shackles and until the titans are eradicated, he’ll never know true freedom.

So Levi is going to do everything in his power to ensure Eren’s freedom.

First the titans… And then the world.

Mapping out the world they lost, seeing things no human eyes have seen in a century, possibly stopping back every other month or so to reunite with old friends who have their own lives to live. Maybe it’s foolish to hope, but hope had sustained lesser men than Levi. And it’s far easier to fight for a cause you believe in, rather than one you’ve been forced into. And of all the causes Levi might have found himself fighting for… This one seems the most suited to him. Because to align himself with Eren is to say “hey world, I might hate you, but I’ve found something that makes you worth fighting for” and as jaded as he is, Levi’s going to stick with it until the bitter end.

“We’re out of silver needle,” Eren says. Unsurprising. They’ve been threatening to run out the past couple of days. Levi doesn’t know how Eren’s managed to make their stock last this long.

“Well, don’t level Stohess and I’ll pick some up while we’re there.”

Eren turns to look at him. Levi stares back. His lips twitch with reluctant humour and he shakes his head, hopelessly fond. Levi doesn’t quite know what to do with himself these days. He still feels like he’s finding his footing, not just with Eren, but above ground, topside. Still trying so desperately to earn his place.

Why does it feel like Eren, who was born up here and raised beneath sunlight, is trying to earn his place, too?

* * *

Levi really does have to wonder at the sheer fucking audacity of the MPs. Perhaps it’s their proximity to the King that gives them such overinflated egos and such a horrific sense of entitlement. Most likely, if he’s being honest. And it’s not just Levi who can’t stomach their self-righteous self-importance. Even Erwin - who, let’s be honest, has a very similar streak of superiority in him - can’t stomach their gall. It’s the first time since their altercation in the study that he comes to Levi, a letter in hand bearing a cracked wax seal.

They want the 104th recruits detained, is the gist that Levi gets. Though the logic behind it is somewhat warped. Whether it’s meant to be a gesture of compliance on the scouts’ part or insurance for the MPs, Levi’s not sure, but it severely limits their numbers in Stohess. It was never going to be easy, but the fearful paranoia of the MPs is going to make an already difficult play so much harder to pull off effectively.

That, and Levi’s down all but two of his squad; himself and Eren. Which is why, against his better judgement, he assembles a new one.

“I want Ackerman and Arlert,” he tells Erwin, pretending for the duration of this conversation that things aren’t tense as shit between them. He can make nice for ten minutes. If he has to.

“Just the two?”

“For now.”

“Care to share your plans?”

“Care to share yours?”

Erwin smiles thinly. “It’s rather simple. Overcomplications at this point will spell disaster for us all. Either Eren contains her below ground or he subdues her in the open. Hanji will set up traps accordingly, all he has to do is lead her toward them, should she shift before he can contain her.”

Levi wrinkles his nose. “Bit of an unnecessary risk.”

“Do you have a counteroffer?”

Levi considers. “Yeah, actually. Distract the bitch and let me cut her fucking legs off.”

“You understand injuring her will only work once she’s transformed? She can use the injury to catalyse her first shift and you’ll likely get caught in the explosion.”

Right. Fuck. “So I need to sit back until she either goes underground or shifts, then? Sit pretty and wait for her to attack?”

“Unfortunately, yes. We’ve never had to contain a titan shifter before, not one that was actively working against us at any rate. Eren’s been more than cooperative. Leonhardt is going to be another matter entirely.”

“I can keep her contained,” Levi says darkly. “I’ve got no problem shearing her fucking legs off every time they try to grow back. Consider it recompense for how many we lost.”

“Making things personal, Captain?”

“You have no idea.”

“I might,” Erwin says. “Levi.”

“What.”

“I don’t want this to fail,” he says. “You understand that my hands are tied, don’t you?”

Levi scowls. “You’re not going to be able to garner any sympathy from me, Erwin. Don’t try, it’ll just embarrass us both.”

Erwin sighs. “Very well. Just know that if there were another option, I’d take it. I don’t want to cause you grief. I truly don’t.”

“I get it,” Levi says flatly. “Orders are orders, right? You’re not the only one who doesn’t have the stomach to fight against a bad call, apparently.”

“I do wonder,” Erwin murmurs. “At what point does their fear become foolishness? If we capitulate to the MPs demands here… Where does it stop? You have to wonder if they truly care about ever leaving the walls.”

“You’re kidding, right? You have to know they don’t. Interior folk don’t give a shit, Erwin. They live their happy lives, ignore everyone in the outer districts and those unlucky enough to live below them. You have no idea how bad I want Leonhardt to shift in the middle of Stohess.”

Erwin raises a brow. “Really, now?”

Levi nods. “Might scare them into action. Might show them exactly how deep this shit runs. They can’t carry on like this, Erwin, you know that as well as I do. We’ll keep losing ground to the titans, be pushed back further and further until we’re trying to feed humanity on a single square mile of farmland. They can’t see that we have no future, because they don’t want to, they’ve never had to look that far. If they see two titans fighting in the city… Well, it might serve as an eye opener.”

Erwin’s got that dangerous glint in his eyes again and Levi is left wondering - once again - why he ever bothers opening his fucking mouth.

“Dont,” Levi says when Erwin opens his mouth. “I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to know what horrific plans you’ve got cooking in that twisted cavern you call a brain. Leave me out of it, just point me at the titans you want me to kill and back off. I’m not playing moral chess with you, that’s going to end up badly for everyone.”

“You hold morals incredibly highly for someone who lived most of his life without them.”

“Sure I do,” Levi says. “My morals are just a bit more cutthroat than everyone else’s. I can still tell right from wrong, Erwin, I’m damaged, not evil.”

“A fair assessment, I suppose. Very well. I’ll tell the MPs that we’re amenable to their demands. Assemble your team and we’ll iron out the details once the MPs have confirmed when they wish for us to hand Eren over.”

Levi’s lip curls. “Can’t fucking wait.”


	65. Chapter 65

The 104th and a detachment of their veterans are set to depart in two days, following the memorial of their fallen comrades. Eren’s sad to see them go at the same time he’s pleased to have them nowhere near the female when they ride into Stohess. But he can’t help feeling melancholy about the whole thing. What if he never sees them again? What if the female… What if the MPs…

Too many what ifs. If Eren lets them, they’ll drown him.

His friends aren’t stupid, they know something’s going on. But Erwin’s got Eren and the others tied tight with a gag order and the fear that one wrong word said to the wrong person will spell disaster for them all. So as much as Eren wants to ease their disquiet, there’s nothing he can say.

“A routine exercise,” Erwin says for him, a lie so heavy Eren has to stop himself from grimacing. “Nothing more. Should you have any concerns, I suggest you direct them towards section commanders Mike and Nanaba. They’ll be watching over you.”

“It’s just temporary,” Hanji adds and several of the 104th relax, though not entirely. If Erwin’s irritated by the fact that the recruits view Hanji and all their insanity as the more trustworthy one, he doesn’t show it, though the petty part of Eren hopes it fucking rankles. “Got to make sure you’re looked after while we go make nice with the MPs. Unless you guys want to come sit through meeting after meeting with our esteemed superiors?”

There’s a murmur of reluctant laughter at that and Hanji beams at them all before saluting and wandering off, satisfied by the dishonesty of their own explanation. Erwin moves away to speak privately with Mike and Nanaba, leaving Eren to bid farewell to his comrades.

“Watch yourself,” Reiner says, punching Eren in the shoulder. “Don’t trust anything the MPs say, okay? But if you see her, say hi to Annie for us.”

Eren’s throat closes up, a strangled sound that slips out before he can stop it. Reiner gives him an odd look and Eren’s completely lost for how to cover up that audible mistake, but Connie - thank _god_ for Connie and his inability to accurately gauge the tone of any situation - throws an arm around Eren’s shoulders with a grin.

“You going to miss us?” He asks. “Afraid you’re not going to have fun with the brass?”

Eren laughs hollowly. “You got it. Can’t believe I’m the one who has to sit through these meetings. Armin, sure, but me? That’s hilarious.”

“Cause some trouble for us, yeah?” Sasha asks with a wink. “And feel free not to tell us anything about it when you get back. Probably be boring as hell and we don’t need to suffer, too.”

“Right,” Eren says with an incredibly thin smile. “Sure.” He\ catches Jean’s eye, sees the grim resignation he’s feeling copied onto his friend’s face, and sighs. “Keep safe, all of you.”

“You, too,” Christa says, patting his arm. “I don’t like the idea of you riding into Stohess without us. What if the MPs don’t let you leave?”

“You think that’ll stop him?” Reiner asks. “He could take a running leap and clear the wall, probably. That and he’ll have Mikasa and the Captain with him. He’s going to be fine.”

They know about Levi and Eren, everybody seems to now that Erwin also knows, but so far Eren’s not had to deal with much in the way of teasing or probing questions. The one good thing about everybody knowing his business is that they’re all too afraid of Levi to run their mouths. Talking freely about Eren’s personal life will get them a black eye at worst. Talking out of turn about _Levi’s_ personal life will get them broken limbs at best and nobody wants to find out what comes after that, so they wisely stay silent.

There’s no denying, though, that a pall has fallen over the castle and Eren knows that it’s not going to lift. He also knows that he may never walk these halls again, even if Stohess doesn’t end in tragedy. If, somehow, they manage to capture the… If they manage to capture _Annie_ , Eren’s not naive enough to assume they’ll be allowed to return here. The MPs will want her, have more of a claim to her than the scouts can demand, being that she’s an MP herself, so even if she can be contained, the scouts will likely have to cede to their authority. Erwin will fight them in his singular way, of course, but Eren’s not confident that even the best case scenario will end in their favour.

Levi’s taken to pacing about it. Avidly. Wherever he is, whatever he’s doing, he’ll inevitably get infuriated and start pacing like an angry animal locked inside a cage. For the most part - unwillingly but resignedly - Eren gives him a wide berth. The horses, every single one of them, are groomed to perfection, because it’s the only place Eren can always escape to whenever Levi’s in a mood. The oratory, by contrast, is avoided like the plague. Mainly because on a bad day - namely any day Levi has to speak with the Commander - the sound of wood splintering and marble cracking and low, vicious swearing, can be heard from within.

Needless to say, Levi’s not exactly popular right now.

Mikasa’s just as tetchy and if Eren didn’t know better, he’d swear there’s some genetic match up there because Mikasa’s taken to absolutely cutting up the training circuit and every tree in a fifty meter radius bears marks from her blades. If Eren’s completely honest, he’s actually starting to feel a little bad for Annie. She doesn’t know it, but i’m just a few days’ time, she’s going to be facing their most formidable soldiers and likely won’t make it out of Stohess alive.

Definitely not with all her limbs attached, at least.

There’ll be no one fighting to save Annie’s life, after all. Eren had people on his side in that courtroom and beyond. Annie won’t have anyone. For some reason, that concept is a sad one and Eren doesn’t know why in the hell he’s feeling sympathy for someone who cut through their ranks so mercilessly, but he can’t change how he feels about it. Maybe once they’ve had a chance to question her - _if_ they get the chance - Eren will be able to understand.

That’s all he wants, really. To know _why_ all of this is happening. He’s not stupid enough to think Annie will give them answers willingly, though. Any information they manage to glean from her, will likely be obtained through severe duress.

Eren doesn’t want to think about it. While they wait for the date noted on the official summons from the MPs to arrive, he’s doing everything he can to distract himself, for all the good it does. Life has left the castle, the soldiers are sullen, grieving their fallen, discouraged, and there’s nowhere Eren can turn that doesn’t drive home the fact that he’s caught in a bad situation with no way out.

The only people Eren can stomach the company of these days are Farlan and Armin. Petra on a good day, though she’s rarely away from Isabel’s side and Isabel’s going stir fucking crazy in the infirmary so Eren doesn’t visit as much as he probably should, but he can’t stomach not being able to help her after everything she’s done for him.

In short? Everything fucking sucks. Which is why Eren’s favourite person to be around right now isn’t even a person at all. Horse, overexcitable as always and completely unbothered by the oppressive atmosphere of the castle, is the most desirable company Eren has currently. He, at least, doesn’t anxiously pace or carve up trees out of anger. He just chews on Eren’s gear harness when it’s in reach and tries to rub his face all over Eren’s shirt when he has an itch.

Truly the best companion, given the circumstances.

“Eren, a word?”

Eren glances up, gets a headbutt to the shoulder for daring to stop fussing over his overly pampered horse, and gives Hanji a weary smile, shoving Horse’s head away. “Ahh- Sure thing. Want me to step away?”

“Here’s fine,” Hanji says, slipping into the stall. “Hello, handsome.” Horse sniffles at them curiously, ears pricking forward as they rub his nose. “Oh, aren’t you just lovely? Picked a good one here, Eren.”

“Thanks,” Eren says, patting the four-legged nuisance’s neck affectionately. “Levi chose him.”

“Ah, it all makes sense.” Hanji grins before cocking their head, smiling dimming slightly. “How are you doing?”

Loaded question. They have a week until Stohess, by Erwin’s own admittance. The official summons had arrived not two days ago and Levi’s been in a foul mood ever since. It’s not just him, though. Mikasa, Armin, Farlan, Isabel, hell, even Erwin himself hasn’t been at his… usual level of weirdly tacit effusiveness. The castle is drowning in equal parts grief, anger, and uncertainty, and Eren’s not sure what to do with himself.

“Ehhh,” is what he settles on as an answer, wiggling his palm in a so-so gesture. “Depends when you catch me. I’ve been… in denial, mostly. Terrified. Angry. It’s a whole mess of crap, section commander, I don’t know what to tell you.”

“Understandable,” Hanji says, patting his shoulder. “Here, pass me that comb, I’ll help.”

“Oh, you don’t-“

“I’d like to. Having something to do with my hands helps my brain stay in one lane. Otherwise it’s anyone’s guess what crap I’ll come out with.”

Eren smiles faintly, passes the spare comb to Hanji and resumes his work of methodically brushing down Horse’s coat. Hanji takes up position opposite him and Horse dips his head, absolutely fucking replete to be getting so much attention. Eren swallows round a lump in his throat, wonders if he’ll ever get the chance to ride him again. If he’ll ever…

“Be honest with me,” Eren says quietly. “What are our chances?”

Hanji looks at him. “You know, Levi asked me the same thing before his first expedition.”

“Yeah?”

“Mm. I didn’t really have a good answer for him then. Though, they did end up surviving, so things turned out better than they could have, I suppose.”

“And this time?”

Hanji purses their lips, looking deeply thoughtful for a moment. “Better than you’d think,” they finally say and Eren - despite literally fucking everything - feels a flicker of dangerous hope flutter in his chest. “I know it feels like a gamble, and I won’t lie to you, it is. But we stand a better chance within the walls than we do outside them. Stohess is a perfect battleground, as horrific as that is to say. High buildings, perfect for manoeuvrability. Of course, the only thing we need to be mindful of-“

“Civilians,” Eren says, grimacing.

“Right. So, if worst comes to worst, if you could try not to throw her into a crowd of people and flatten them, that would be swell.”

Wouldn’t it just? “You think she won’t take the bait?”

“I wouldn’t,” Hanji says. “And I think this Leonhardt is smarter than we’re hoping she is. I don’t know what kind of training she’s got, but it outstrips our own.”

“She’s…” Eren swallows. “How, though? She enlisted with us, she _trained_ with us. She was barely fifteen when we began, so _when_ did she train? _Where_? She always used to talk- Well, no, that’s a fucking lie, she never liked to talk. Getting anything out of her was nearly impossible. But when she did she spoke about her dad more often than not. Said he taught her. But…”

“You want to believe she’s still one of you,” Hanji says gently. “But she’s not. Eren, the evidence we have points to one fact and doesn’t allow for ambiguity. I know you’d like to employ some mental gymnastics here to excuse her, but…”

“I know,” Eren says grimly. “I’m… Like, the female titan even fucking _looks_ like her. It’s… Yeah.”

“So we need to assume that Annie came from outside. Just like the colossal and the armoured.”

Eren swallows. “What… What does that mean? Why does the idea of something coming from outside scare me so bad? All I’ve ever wanted is to _leave_ the walls. Find out what’s out there. Why…?”

“Well, look at the context,” Hanji says. “Twice now the walls have been breached and you suffered horrendously both times. The idea that three possible titan shifters have broken through, are hiding among us, lends credibility to the theory that there are others like them outside the walls. How are we supposed to react to the knowledge that there is possibly a race of human-titan hybrids outside the wall hell bent on getting inside, if not with fear?”

“You’re not scared.”

“Am I not?” Hanji asks. “What makes you so sure?”

“I walked past the Pit yesterday and heard you screaming about it.”

“Okay,” Hanji says, flushing. “I get a bit overexcited, I can’t help it.”

“It’s fine,” Eren says, smiling in spite of himself. “I guess excitement is more useful than fear, in a way.”

“Now you’re getting it! Why waste time being afraid when you can get manically unhinged about it instead?”

“I’ll have to remember that for next time.”

“I wholeheartedly recommend it,” Hanji says, winking. “But for what it’s worth, I think Stohess has the potential to go far better than we’re expecting it to. We’ll have Levi and Mikasa, Armin, my full squad ready to assist. I’ll be there with mine and Farlan’s new and improved traps.” Their eyes glint worryingly. “And I’m very eager to try them out.”

“Not on me you’re not,” Eren says quickly.

“As if I would!”

“You cut my arms off.”

“You literally asked me to.”

“...Point taken.”

Hanji smiles, fond, and Eren smiles back though it’s not as genuine as he’d like. It’s more real than anything that’s crossed his face since Erwin announced the date for the Stohess mission, but it’s still not enough. Hanji doesn’t care, though, likely knows that as much as Eren wants to, he just can’t muster up anything more than bare minimum. There’s too much uncertainty in his future and he doesn’t know how to stomach it.

“The, um, the one-oh-four,” Eren says. “What… What happens to them?”

Hanji sighs. “Officially, they’re on standby. They’ll have the veterans with them so don’t worry, they’ll be okay. The MPs aren’t going to suddenly go for them the minute we’re gone. And a smaller team will serve us better in the city. Easier to coordinate.”

“Right,” Eren says, doubtfully. “I just… Yeah, that’s fine. I’d prefer them to stay away from the female anyway.”

“See? Always a silver lining.”

“Right. Sure.”

“Oh, Eren.” Hanji sighs, clucking their tongue like a mother hen. “I know everything’s uncertain, but you don’t really think we’ll hand you over, do you? Honestly, have a little more faith in us.”

“I have faith,” Eren says. “In you, in the scouts. I’m just sick of not knowing what the fuck is going on.”

“You and me both,” Hanji says. “You don’t understand, Eren, I _always_ know what’s going on. But right now I haven’t got a damn clue. So I get it. Trust me, I do. And if we can pin Leonhardt, you can bet I’m going to get answers one way or another.”

Eren believes them.

* * *

Erwin gives a speech in honour of their fallen comrades and Eren cannot stomach a word of it. It’s a clear summer day and Eren hates everything about it. If it couldn’t be raining, at least let it be overcast, because the shining sun feels painfully disrespectful.

They’re gathered in the courtyard, heads bowed as Erwin speaks about honour and sacrifice and hope and every word winches the furious tension tighter in Eren’s gut. A hundred names have been called, read out in Erwin’s unfaltering baritone, and he doesn’t deserve to speak a single one of them. Eren can’t say that, though, can’t demand Erwin answer for the lives he put between Eren and the female titan. He can’t scream that it didn’t have to happen that way, can’t demand that Erwin explain himself instead of stand there and act like he regrets a single one of the lives they lost.

So Eren stands there beneath the shining sun and seethes.

Isabel grunts beside him, leans heavily on Petra and Farlan for support as Erwin’s speech drones on, face pale and slick with sweat. She shouldn’t be out here, shouldn’t be on her feet yet and Mariska had fought her every step of the way, but Isabel had demanded her right to be in attendance when Erwin had announced the memorial. No one else had tried to stop her, wouldn’t have been able to, so here she stands with an expression pinched by equal parts pain and fury, and Eren’s as comforted by her presence as he is concerned.

She, like him, is equally furious about the weak lip service Erwin is paying their fallen. Not one word of it is genuine. Oh, he may feel grief, he may feel sadness over their passing, but Eren knows for a fact that - out of all the emotions their deceitful Commander may be capable of feeling - regret isn’t one of them. He’d do it all over again in a heartbeat, would sacrifice an untold number of them for a single scrap of information about who they’re fighting against.

Erwin’s waging a war supported wholly on the back of sacrifice. Eren has no fucking stomach for it.

“Easy,” Mikasa murmurs, brushing the backs of her fingers against Eren’s. He glances at her, loosens his jaw from its tight clench with an almost audible creak of overly tense muscle and monumental effort. She doesn’t look at him, doesn’t look away from Erwin and the funeral pyre that’s purely symbolic. The bodies they recovered have already been dealt with.

“It’s-”

“Don’t.” She shakes her head. “I get that you’re angry, but this is still meant to honour their memory. Don’t cause a scene.”

Eren’s shoulders sag. So do Isabel’s and Eren doesn’t know if she’s overheard or is simply exhausted from the exertion of leaving the infirmary before she’s ready, but there’s nothing to be done about it. If Eren were in her position, he’d have fought to be present too, as much as he wants to demand Erwin answer for his actions. But Mikasa’s right, as hamfisted and insincere as this may be, they’re meant to be paying their final respects to the fallen.

Petra’s crying openly though her expression is resolute. Armin, too, has been moved to tears though Eren’s willing to bet that’s nothing to do with Erwin’s speech and everything to do with the fact that death has always struck his oldest friend particularly hard. Armin’s always been softhearted, which is something he’s always incorrectly perceived as weakness. No one who knows Armin could ever think of him as weak and it frustrates Eren that he’s never been able to see his own strength. If it weren’t for him… Well, Eren likely wouldn’t be standing here at all.

He reaches round Mikasa, grips Armin’s shoulder tightly. Armin looks at him, wet eyes wide with shock that melts away into gratitude when Eren nods at him, silently communicating things he’ll never be able to say aloud.

Their little group is incomplete because Levi’s up ahead with the remaining section commanders. He looks… Much the same as he usually does, blank expression covering up everything he could possibly be feeling. It’s a mask, like it always is, because his eyes are too hard to make the expression convincing. At least to Eren. He’d all but flinched when their squad’s names had been read out, eyes flickering first to the ground then the sky, and Eren had ached with guilt and grief at the sight of it.

No matter how Eren looks at it, nearly half their squad - half their entire fucking corps - are dead because of him. He might not have been the one giving the orders, but if Eren didn’t have his power, they never would have had to lay their lives down for him.

If he didn’t have his power, he might have died as one of them. If he didn’t have this power… Would things have been different?

Of course they would. He’d have died in Trost with his fellow cadets. And maybe all his dead comrades would have lived in his place.

It’s not a pleasant thought.

“Eren,” Mikasa says, touching his arm lightly. “It’s time to go.”

Eren tears his eyes away from Levi and the pyre, looks at her and feels the weight of the world bearing down on his shoulders. She looks back at him and sees all of it, sighs and grips his arm tightly as though to ground him. If they were still kids, maybe it would help. If they were still kids, maybe Eren would be angry and clueless and the weight of his burdens wouldn’t be so heavy. Maybe he wouldn’t be hating that his life is apparently worth a hundred of his comrades’.

Maybe.

“You go,” Eren says, glancing back at the flames symbolising the lives of the scouts they lost. “I’ll catch up with you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I just need a minute. I won’t be long.”

Farlan and Petra help Isabel back to the infirmary, Mariska hot on their heels. Mikasa and Armin peel away with Jean, Reiner and Bertholdt not far behind. Hanji and the other section commanders remain, though Erwin makes a rather rapid departure. Good thing, too, because Levi looks ready to spit fire at him. He glances at Eren, hesitates for a moment, but Eren shakes his head and Levi turns away with a sigh.

Eren moves closer to the pyre.

Gunther’s death is the one that stings the most, though Oruo’s is almost as painful. Oruo died because Eren made a choice, there’s no escaping that fact; he’ll have to live with that for as long as he has left. But Gunther… He deserved to go out fighting. The fact that he died so… _unremarkably_... It’s not fair. If he had to die at all, his death should have been a valiant one.

Then there’s Eld, who went out because they underestimated the female. The only thing that can be said for his death is that it taught Eren that selective healing is possible for his kind. Ignoring the fact that there is such a thing as “his kind”, because Eren can’t even begin to conceive of that possibility right now - at least they won’t underestimate the female again.

They shouldn’t have died like that. Eren should have been better. He should have done more, been faster, been smarter. He should have-

“You look about as cheerful as I feel,” Ymir says, suddenly at his side. She elbows him hard in the ribs.

Eren glares at her, softens momentarily when Christa peers round her partner’s arm, looking seven different shades of mortified by Ymir’s inconsiderate statement. “It’s a funeral, Ymir, how the hell am I meant to look?”

“Maybe a bit less like you’re ready to stab someone. Though there’s definitely something hilariously poetic about a death at a funeral.”

“Fucking hell, Ymir, is there actually something wrong with you?”

“Probably,” she says, shrugging. “Never saw the sense in them myself. Funerals, I mean. Like, they’re dead, what are they going to do? They don’t care.”

“Ymir!” Christa gasps, scandalised.

“You know I’m right. Waste of everybody’s time if you ask me.”

“It’s for those left behind!” Christa says angrily. “It’s the last chance we’ll get to say our goodbyes, you shouldn’t be so thoughtless!”

“Well, that just makes them selfish. Using the memory of the dead to make ourselves feel better? That’s low.”

“I’d be careful who you say that near,” Eren says. “Like me, for example. I ought to smack you for that remark.”

“Feel free,” Ymir says. “I’ll just smack back twice as hard. Can’t tell me I’m wrong, though, can you? We all know that the only reason they’re dead is because they were stupid enough to follow orders.”

“And what does that make you?” Eren asks. “You followed those same orders, right?”

“To a degree,” Ymir says. “Won’t hesitate to split if they give me an order that’ll get me killed, though. No offence, Eren, but I’m sure as hell not devoted enough to die for you.”

Eren’s teeth clench with an audible snap. “What do you want, Ymir? Either spit it out or leave me alone.”

“Alright.” Ymir shrugs. “Guess you’re not in the mood for small talk.”

“ _Small_ talk? Are you _actually_ insane? What are you-”

“What’s going to happen to us?” Ymir asks, ignoring Eren’s furious questions. “Those of us deemed unworthy to ride into Stohess with you. Erwin’s given us his spiel, but we both know whatever he comes out with is all lies.”

“You don’t buy it?”

Ymir’s lip curls. “I’ve had enough shit in my life to know it when I hear it, Jaeger. Routine training exercise? I don’t fucking think so. I’m asking because I want to know if we’re going to be handed over to the MPs and if I need to cut my losses and run while I can.”

Eren snorts. “Don’t worry about that. You’re not getting handed over to the MPs. You’re being detained while we’re in the Capital. That’s all.”

“Right,” Ymir says, clearly unconvinced. “That the truth? You sure we’re not about to be handed over as… I don’t know, accomplices or some shit?”

“Accomplices to what?”

“I don’t fuckin’ know. Titans.”

Eren almost laughs. “Yeah, sure. We’re about to get handed over to the MPs as accomplices to “titans”. You’re a special brand of unhinged, you know that?”

“Look who’s talking. I just wanted to make sure. So we’ve just got to sit pretty until you get back.”

“That’s about the size of it, yeah.”

“Eren,” Christa says, and it’s a good thing she spoke up because Eren genuinely forgot she was there, she was being so quiet. “You look so sad. What’s wrong?”

Eren stares at her. “We… Did you miss the memorial, Christa?”

She flushes. “Not about that. You look…. Resigned. Something really is going on, isn’t it?”

“Something’s always going on.”

“Don’t be difficult,” Ymir says, smacking him round the back of the head. “She knows what she’s talking about. And she’s right. You don’t look like somebody who’s in mourning. You look about ready to chew glass. But also like you’re about to do something you really don’t want to do.”

“It’s Stohess, isn’t it?” Christa adds. “They’re detaining us so we won’t cause trouble. They’re going to hand you over.”

Ymir snorts. “Like fuck they are. Eren Jaeger, pride of the scouts? I don’t think so.”

Eren looks at her. Ymir looks back, the derisive amusement sliding right off her face. “No fucking way,” she breathes, eyes widening. “Is that true?”

“Not a word,” Eren says stiffly. “No one is meant to know.”

“But that’s _awful_!” Christa cries, slapping a hand over her mouth a moment too late. “Sorry,” she whispers. “But… Oh, Eren, they can’t really be thinking of handing you over, can they?”

“They don’t have a choice,” Eren says, stomach twisting. “The Premier signed off on it. Officially, I’ll be remanded into their custody the minute we pass through Stohess’ gate. Whether or not I’ll live out the day… Well, we’ll see.”

“They can’t just hand you over, though,” Ymir says. “What are we supposed to do without you? Evidence fucking suggests we don’t have much hope of sealing wall Maria unless you’re with us. I mean, the scouts haven’t even been able to make it halfway to Maria in… Shit, how long’s it been since the wall fell now?”

“Eight years,” Eren murmurs. How can that be right? Nearly a decade since Shiganshina fell. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago. Sometimes it feels like no time at all.

“Shit,” Ymir mutters. “Well, there you go. Eight years with nothing to show for it. We’ve got less than no hope of even reaching the wall without you there. Are the MPs so afraid of you that they’ll fuck us all over just to feel safe?”

“You know that they will.”

“Right,” Ymir mutters. “Shit, that’s… Please tell me you’re not going to go quietly.”

Eren sighs. “I’m not saying shit. You’re not even supposed to know that much, I’m not saying anything else.”

“Don’t trust me?”

“Not at all, you’re a pain in the ass.”

“Charming.” She’s not the slightest bit bothered by the jab, though. Less so than she is by the fact that Eren might be going peacefully to his own execution. But she knows him as well as any other member of the 104th, knows that Eren’s never gone quietly about anything in his life. “Well, give ‘em hell for the rest of us, okay? We’ll do our bit and behave like good little detainees and keep the others from raising hell. But make it count, alright? Whatever the fuck you’re going to do in Stohess… Make it count.”

Eren looks at her for a long moment before nodding. “Alright. I can do that. Shit, Ymir, that was almost heartfelt. You feeling okay?”

“No, I’m fucking not,” she snaps. “Why aren’t you furious about this? You’re letting them march you to your fucking execution. The Eren we know wouldn’t take that lying down. It’s like they kicked the fight out of you.”

“I haven’t stopped fighting,” Eren says softly. “I’m just waiting.”

“For?”

“For what’s waiting in Stohess.”

“The MPs?”

“Something like that. Stop pushing, Ymir, I can’t talk about it. Just focus on yourselves, alright? Leave the rest to us.”

For a long moment, Ymir just looks back at him, expression inscrutable. She meets his gaze unflinchingly, like she’s looking for something but won’t know what it is until she finds it.

Whatever she _does_ find, Eren’s not sure, but a shadow passes briefly over her face before she sighs and reaches a hand out to him. “Listen,” she says haltingly with a grimace. “I… Be safe, alright? I don’t know what the fuck’s happening, but whatever it is we can’t do it without you.”

Unexpectedly touched, Eren reaches out to clasp her hand.

And then memories that aren’t his press into his mind with all the force of a physical blow.

It’s sharp, overwhelming, enough to force Eren to his knees as sights and sounds and smells rush in like a wave, overpowering. Unfamiliar. The matchstick inside his head sparks and roars to life, energy crackling through his skin as though he’s called his titan but no rush of heat bursts forward to envelop his body. He hears a cry, loud and sharp, Ymir’s grip on his hand tightening so hard that her nails bite into his skin but she doesn’t let him go. Eren can’t loosen his own grip, can only cling to her as his mind is filled with a life that isn’t his.

Disjointed images flash through his head one after another.

A white room full of people with shadowy faces and implements that strike fear into his heart. The harsh scent of chemicals, bright lights that make him dizzy. Leather restraints on his wrists and hands.

Soft words and a sensation of distrust so deep he feels physically sick. Glasses that glint in harsh, bright light.

Long brown hair, familiar eyes, younger than Eren has ever seen them, absent of the lines he knows from his childhood.

_Dad?_

More pain, blood, poison. A sharp sting in the back of his neck and the fear and rage that follows it.

A lifetime spent alone, grass beneath giant palms.

Endless fields, pain, exhaustion, fear.

Lying down to die, earth covering his body. Time concealing his form. Grief, loneliness, then voices from far away, the first voices he’s heard in years.

A group of children, faces twisted with fear.

_Annie?_

A giant hand reaching for one of them. Screaming. Blood on his tongue. Relief.

A burning pain in his nape. New power in his blood. Euphoria.

A broken gate, a skinless titan behemoth. Slipping into the chaos unseen.

A church, whispered words, curiosity.

A girl, kindness, warmth.

_Home._

“Eren? Eren, can you hear me? Oh god, what happened?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know! He went stiff and dropped to the ground- They both did! Oh, god, are they alright?”

“Easy, now, just back up a bit. They’re seizing, don’t be frightened, it looks worse than it is. Pop your hands under Ymir’s head, make sure she doesn’t bite through her tongue. There’s a good girl.”

“I can’t-”

_”Eren!”_

“He’s alright! Just give him some space, he’s alright.”

“No, he’s not, look at him!”

“Levi-”

_”What happened?”_

“Calm down, you’re no use to me if you’re going to panic!”

“I’m-”

Eren gasps, eyes flying open to dazzlingly bright light, but this light is natural, this light doesn’t signify the presence of those shadowy figures from those bewildering memories. Sensation and awareness - his own, mercifully his own - rush back in and he coughs, wheezing through the shock and the fear that’s still holding his heart in a vice.

Hanji’s face swims into few, tight with concern, but they still manage a gentle smile when Eren’s wide eyes manage to focus. They’re upside down, bent over his head, and Eren can feel their knees beneath his head. They’re holding his shoulders and, though their hands are shaking, their grip is firm.

“Eren? Eren, follow my fingers.” They click above him, drawing Eren’s eyes to their fingers, move them side to side and he tracks the movement while he fights to slow his breathing. “Excellent, that’s my boy. Are you with us? Can you speak?”

Eren sucks a burning breath into too-tight lungs, opens his mouth, then rolls sharply to the side to throw up violently onto the flagstones. Hanji’s hands hold him firm, stop him from pitching forward and collapsing into his own vomit, rub his back soothingly until he can stop the contents of his stomach from evacuating his body. Close by, he’s dimly aware of Ymir doing the same, Christa’s arms tight around her partner’s body.

“What the fuck happened?” A shaky voice demands, a shadow passing over Eren before cool hands are cupping his face, soft cloth dabbing at his mouth. “Eren? Are you alright?”

“Levi, give him a minute.”

“That’s not fucking normal, Hanji. He doesn’t have seizures like that, it’s _never_ happened before. And why the _fuck_ did it happen to-”

Eren reaches out blindly, catches Levi’s wrist in his fingers and grips as tightly as he can. “My fault,” he wheezes. “I think- My titan-”

It’s not his fault. He knows it’s not. Those memories weren’t his, that life he lived in dizzying flashes wasn’t his own. But the explanation, even to his overwhelmed mind, isn’t one he’s prepared to give right now. Not only because he can’t parse it right now, but also because it’s not his place to speak of it. He can’t. Not now. Not when he’s felt Ymir’s fear as keenly as he’s ever felt his own.

The ramifications of that revelation have the potential to be catastrophic.

“Give him to me,” Levi says at once. He dislodges Eren’s grip on his wrist with ease, replaces Hanji’s hands with his own and easily hauls Eren upright. He pauses when the shift from prone to standing makes Eren retch viciously, but all that rises up is bile, hot and acidic in his throat, and through sheer force of will Eren wrestles it back down.

“Is Ymir-”

“‘M fine,” she slurs, waving Hanji off when they try to help her up. “Just- Dizzy. Eren, what the _fuck_.” She glares at him but Eren can see her fear. He can’t do this to her. He can’t.

“Sorry,” he gasps, wiping a hand over his face. “Shit, I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened.”

Relief sparks in her dark eyes. “Shit… It’s okay. I’m okay. You good?”

“Fine.”

“Not fucking likely,” Levi growls. “I’m taking you to the infirmary.”

“I-”

“Don’t fucking start with me, Eren.”

Eren closes his mouth. Levi’s arm snakes around his waist, supporting all of his weight easy as anything. Hanji and Christa get Ymir upright between them, though once she’s on her feet she waves them away, dragging a hand over her mouth with a grimace. Eren’s not so lucky, Levi’s grip on his is unrelenting, and Eren doesn’t even know how the man had gotten here so fast, let alone how he’d known. Eren had watched him follow after Erwin. When had he come back?

“Infirmary,” Levi says firmly. “Let’s go.”

Eren could resist, but life will be a lot less painful if he doesn’t, so he lets Levi lead him into the castle. He doesn’t know if Hanji will push as hard for Ymir to follow, but he can hear footsteps following them so it’s likely that they have. Right now, though, Eren’s head is spinning too badly for him to pay much attention to his surroundings, and when he raises his head again, it’s because Mariska’s glaring at him, peeling his eyelids open and peering into his irises.

“Fuck,” Eren says, jerking his head back. “Where’d you come from?”

She ignores him, shoves him down onto a pallet, moves over him at a speed his sluggish mind can’t follow. Levi backs away, face like thunder, though he doesn’t go far. He watches Mariska move with a deepening frown and Eren’s torn between pushing the doctor away and giving in so this is all done with quicker.

“I’m _fine_ ,” he insists when Mariska advances on him with a stethoscope. “I am, promise.”

“You had a seizure,” Levi says icily. “Unprompted, with no prior attacks, then vomited the entire contents of your stomach. You are not, by any stretch of the imagination, _fine.”_

“Quite,” Mariska says tersely. “Completely unprompted you say?”

“As far as I know,” Levi says. “What were you doing?”

“Just… talking,” Eren says. “I reached out to touch Ymir, to shake her hand. I was… I don’t know. I don’t know what caused it.”

“Or why it affected her, too,” Levi says. “She got just as sick.”

Mariska pauses, fingers on the pulse point in Eren’s wrist. Her hands are unbearably cold. “Where is she?”

“With Hanji. She doesn’t like infirmaries, apparently.”

Eren has no idea when this was discussed. He was outside a minute ago and now he’s in here being poked and prodded by the doctor. So maybe he’s not as fine as he’s insisting. His skin feels hot, too tight, his vision won’t stop swimming and there’s an almost shadowy dimness to everything he can see.

“What the hell is that?” Mariska demands, rearing back. Okay, hearing a doctor say that isn’t very high up on Eren’s list of most desired experiences.

“That’s how he heals,” Levi says, eyes narrowing. “Why the fuck is it coming out of his ears?”

“How in the hell should I know? I’m a doctor, not a titan expert. Get Hanji in here.”

“Please don’t,” Eren says faintly. “If I’m steaming, I’m healing, there’s no need to get Hanji in here.”

“Shut up,” Levi snaps. “No input for you. Shut up, sit there quietly, and cooperate. I _will_ knock you out if I have to.”

“You will not,” Mariska snaps. “If you’re going to threaten my patient, you can wait outside.”

Levi’s teeth click loudly as he clenches his jaw but he doesn’t answer back. Good thing too, Eren’s head is pounding. He doesn’t feel particularly nauseous anymore which is good, but the dizziness is refusing to budge. Thankfully Mariska doesn’t seem to want anything too strenuous from him, seems content enough to check him over herself without much input.

“He’s alright,” she finally declares. “Blood pressure normal, no sign of cognitive impairment or concussion, though I’d like to keep him here until the dizziness is gone. Motor control slightly affected, but again that’s the dizziness. We’ll bring his fluids up and I’ll have Hanji check him over, but otherwise he’s sound. I’m concerned about the steam, though.”

“Steaming means healing,” Eren repeats. “Steaming is good.”

“Be that as it may, the fact that you’re steaming at all is still concerning.”

Eren can’t really argue with that. “I’ll stay put until it stops then. Can I at least sit up?”

“I don’t see why not. Be careful, though.”

Levi’s the one to step forward and help Eren ease himself upright on the pallet. The world swims and flickers but Eren can handle a bit of dizziness. It helps that his skin stops prickling when he’s upright, no longer lying prone and helpless. His titan growls deep in the back of his mind, anxious for reasons Eren can’t name.

“I’m alright,” Eren says, as much for his own benefit as Levi’s. “I think my… I think my titan is just stressed.”

“Bullshit,” Levi says through his teeth. “You’ve _never_ done that before.”

“Well, what do you expect? I had to heal some pretty serious wounds, it’s probably exhausted. It was only a couple days ago that I woke up.”

“I’m not just going to chalk this up to “something your titan does”,” Levi says furiously.

“What’s the alternative? We don’t _know_ all the stuff my titan does. I’ve not been a hundred percent - how could I be so soon after the expedition? So it’s no surprise that I-”

“And the girl?” Levi demands. “She hit the dirt just like you did. Can you explain that?”

Yes, Eren can. But he’s not going to. “No.”

“Thought not. You can stay right here until Hanji and Mariska can convince me you’re well enough to leave.”

“Stohess-”

“Is five days away. Don’t test me, Eren, I’m not in the fucking mood.”

Eren grits his teeth, fumes silently while Levi glares holes into the side of his head. Eren’s not an idiot and neither is Levi. They both know Eren’s lying through his teeth, but what Levi _doesn’t_ know is how far Eren is willing to go to keep his silence. And maybe that’s bad, maybe Eren’s making a bad call here, but like fuck is Eren going to stab Ymir in the back and betray a trust she didn’t even mean to confide in him.

Eren doesn’t know what happened in the courtyard. He can hypothesise, he can extrapolate from some pretty fucking damning context clues, namely the expression of complete and utter fear plastered across Ymir’s face. But giving voice to those conjectures will put her in the kind of danger Eren never wants anyone else to experience. Because if Ymir is like him, if she’s hiding that part of herself, she must have a damn good reason. And hell, even if it’s just because she doesn’t want what’s happened to Eren to happen to her, as if he can fucking blame her.

It doesn’t explain the memories, though. Was that her life? Those things he saw, did they happen to her? Must have, because they sure as hell aren’t Eren’s. But the harder he tries to recall them, the more ephemeral they get. They don’t belong in his head, after all.

He could come clean. But at what cost? Ymir’s life? For a little bit of knowledge? No. He’s not Erwin. He can’t sacrifice one life for the good of the many. And it would be a sacrifice. Even if they didn’t inform the MPs, Erwin would want Ymir as a secondary gambit, another unwilling soldier for the cause. Just because Eren’s happy to dedicate his heart, he can’t make that choice for her.

If it were him… He’d want to protect that secret for as long as he could. What awaits Ymir if he betrays her now? Chains? A courtroom full of terrified people crying out for her to become a martyr because they can’t trust her and what she can potentially do?

He can’t do that to her.

So he can either come clean.

Or he can lie.

“I think…” Eren swallows. “I think my titan is afraid. I think it’s lashing out because it knows we’re heading into Stohess. I think it’s… I think it’s trying to protect itself somehow. That’s… That’s the feeling I got. It’s purely a coincidence that it happened when Ymir touched me. I’ve been… Stressed. So…”

It is, by all accounts, a very weak lie. But there’s a grain of truth in there that should be enough to conceal the majority of the deception. Eren’s banking on the fact that his titan ability is so obscured by mystery and uncertainty that Levi and the others won’t pry too deeply. If he can shift attention from Ymir for the time being, they can discuss this properly when they return.

If they return.

That being said… If Eren’s wrong about her, if she’s not just a frightened girl with a power she never wanted, the same way Eren never wanted his own, if she’s a… If she’s a traitor like Annie, then he may just be signing the 104th’s death warrants by leaving them alone with her.

Is that a risk he’s willing to take?

He thinks of the sickening fear that had clawed its way through his mind, Ymir’s fingers trembling between his own.

Yeah. He’ll take the risk.


	66. Chapter 66

Mariska slips out of the infirmary to give them some privacy and Levi rounds on Eren explosively. “So I’m just supposed to believe that your fucking _seizure_ out there was just a fun new thing your titan does when it’s _stressed?_ What kind of absolute bullshit are you spewing at me now, Jaeger? Because I’m not _fucking_ buying it.”

Eren lowers his hand from his face, hazy eyes wide with surprise but Levi’s not even in the vicinity of fucking around right now. He hadn’t even- The fucking memorial had left him absolutely seething inside. He’s been to nearly two dozen of them, fucking hates them with everything in him, and he’d left to speak with Erwin about Stohess, but Hanji’s panicked cry had him running back. He’d found Eren and that other girl on the ground, seizing and prone, and he’d fucking panicked.

And now Eren’s lying through his fucking teeth about it.

“What the fuck happened?” Levi demands. “And _don’t_ fucking bullshit me, Eren. What happened before the seizure? What were you doing?”

“We were just talking, I told you,” Eren mumbles. He’s sickeningly pale, with two high spots of red on his cheeks, like he’s wracked by a dangerous fever. Levi can feel the heat he’s throwing off from here. “I don’t know what it was.”

“And the girl? Why’d she go down, too?”

“I don’t _know_ ,” Eren snaps. “I don’t fucking know, I don’t know what happened. I was just- We were talking and then she shook my fucking hand and I…” He trails off, swallows hard.

“Out with it,” Levi demands. “Eren, I swear to god, I’m not fucking kidding. You could’ve _died_.”

“It wasn’t that bad,” Eren protests. “I just had a moment-”

“It wasn’t a fucking _moment_ , Eren! You collapsed! You had a fucking siezure!”

“And I’m fine now!” Eren snaps back, wincing and clutching his head. “Can we not do this now?”

“Why? Feeling a little under the weather? Because you had a fucking siezure in the courtyard?”

“Oh, fuck you,” Eren seethes. “Don’t take your fear out on me. I’ve told you, I’m _fine_. Is it any fucking wonder that happened? Not two days ago I was _speared_. Of course there are going to be side effects.”

“”Of course”? That’s bull and you know it. You’ve never-”

“Drop it, Levi,” Eren says viciously. “I’m not fucking kidding. And if you want to pull Captain on me, go ahead. But I’m done talking about this. I don’t know what happened, I don’t know why Ymir collapsed too. All I know is that I’m fine now and if you’re going to keep hassling me, you can fucking leave.”

Levi stares at him. “You never lie to me.”

“What?”

“You don’t lie to me. Not about things that matter. What the fuck aren’t you telling me, Eren?”

It’s jarring to know that Eren’s actively keeping things from him. He’s a terrible liar, absolutely abysmal, but right now he’s too angry, too sick for his tells to come through. But Levi will always know. He won’t meet Levi’s gaze, and that could be because he’s dizzy, but he’s defensive, furiously so. Levi’s no idiot, he knows when Eren’s protecting something.

The question is _what?_ And _why?_

“Eren, I need to know.”

“No, you don’t,” Eren mutters. “This isn’t about you, Levi. Just back off. I don’t need you hounding me about this. Just take what I’ve told you and trust me.”

“How can I?” Levi asks quietly. “You’re lying to me.”

“Well, you’re already convinced,” Eren says with a humourless smile. “So there’s nothing I can say, is there?”

“I don’t understand,” Levi says, utterly lost. “Why won’t you talk to me?”

“Why won’t you trust me?”

What is Levi meant to say to that?

* * *

Mariska hadn’t seen any reason to keep Eren in the infirmary longer than a few hours for observation’s sake. He’d stopped steaming about ten minutes in and the dizziness had worn off once he’d had something to drink and rested for an hour or so, but he’d had no further symptoms, no bloody nose or signs of concussion, so Mariska had been happy to let him go.

He’d walked out without a word, leaving Levi completely lost and more than a little angry. They don’t see each other again for the rest of the day and Levi’s left feeling so out of sorts by their altercation that he ends up taking himself to the fucking Pit of all places, because when the world stops making any sort of sense, there’s only one person who can make it right. Someone so completely unhinged that they only make sense when the world goes wrong.

“Eren’s lying to me.”

Hanji looks up from their microscope, expression resigned and unsurprised. “Figured as much. Spoke with him briefly earlier and he seemed... Uncustomarily reticent. Is uncustomarily a word? If it’s not it should be. But yes, he was that. Reticent. Also a good word. I thought I was just being paranoid, but if you can see it too, then my suspicions are correct.”

“No, he’s definitely lying,” Levi says, scowling. “I could tell. And he basically fucking admitted it. But he won’t say a fucking word about it.”

“Well, I don’t know what you want me to do about it,” Hanji says, shrugging. “Do you want me to talk to him again?”

“No,” Levi says dully. “Doubt you’d get anything out of him. If there’s one thing Eren’s got that no one else has, it’s his ability to be a stubborn asshole.”

“Do you want me to talk to Erwin?”

“God, no.”

“Then I’m sorry, Levi, but there’s not a lot we can do. People have secrets, it’s human nature to default to dishonesty. You know that better than anyone.”

Yeah, that’s true. If it’ll garner them sympathy, if it’ll get others off their case, if it’ll get them out of a sticky situation, people will always lie. And it’s because he knows that so well, because he himself has lied so many times over the years, that Levi’s always been distrustful by nature and that’s not going to change any time soon. If ever. It’s too deeply ingrained in the way he thinks and acts and it’s kept him alive this long so he’d be an idiot to just… Stop. Just because he’s got people he can trust around him now isn’t going to overwrite nearly two decades of suspicion.

Problem is that, right now, Levi wishes he wasn’t so difficult to lie to. He wants nothing more than to be able to take shit at face value and not agonise over possibilities and what’s not being said. He wants to take Eren’s halting explanation of what the fuck happened in that courtyard and leave it at that. Because the alternative is untenable. Levi can’t stand it.

Eren’s lying. He’s lying through his fucking teeth and the worst part is that if Levi didn’t know him so well, he’d believe him. Eren can’t lie for shit - usually - but right now he’s coming across as genuinely as it’s possible for him to be. He’s using every trick he’s ever learned from Levi, tricks Levi’s taught him without meaning to, about how to be dishonest and get away with it. It would work on anyone else.

If Levi knew _what_ Eren was lying about they wouldn’t be having this problem. If he had any idea why Eren had seen fit to lie through his teeth about what happened in the courtyard, maybe Levi wouldn’t be so… Hurt. And he is, he can’t deny it. Eren doesn’t lie to him, not about anything. But right now Eren’s being more dishonest than he ever has in all the years they’ve known each other.

Levi can’t understand why.

“I just…” Levi groans, resist the urge to kick the chair on his side of Hanji’s desk because the Pit is always a fucking state and he doesn’t want to break anything. Mainly because there are a hundred or so vials of dubious liquid and Levi doesn’t ever want to find out what’s in them if he breaks one by accident. “I wish I knew why. Is he protecting someone? Himself? That Ymir girl, why did she go down too?”

“Unclear,” Hanji says. “But as far as I can tell, it was all from Eren’s side. Ymir and Eren both described that when they touched, some sort of energy passed between them. The description they both gave was identical to what Eren’s said his titan transformations feel like. So it’s highly likely his titan is experiencing some form of overexertion. We know next to nothing about possible side effects and symptoms to his condition. This isn’t out of the realm of possibility.”

“So she’s clueless too, then? Nothing about her that flagged up?”

“Nor particularly. You’d know better than me. Does she strike you as untrustworthy?”

“Fuck if I know. I never spoke to her when we were cadets, she minded her own business. Although…”

“Yes?”

Levi shrugs. “Saved her life once. Well, I didn’t. Eren did. She and the blonde girl she’s always with. Training exercise gone wrong, they got lost out in a blizzard. Eren and his lot went after her. Isabel got concerned so we followed. Found them in a cave with a fallen cadet. I guess… She would’ve ditched the extra weight if she wasn’t at least half decent as a person. She’s always struck me as the “look out for number one” type, though. Not that I can judge, I suppose.”

“Well, she’s not given us any reason to mistrust her. And everything she told me matched up perfectly with what Eren described. It really does seem like it was his titan reaching out and affecting them both by accident. As much as I’d like confirmation, I don’t think we’re likely to get it unless Eren can do it again, which I don’t really want to chance it this close to Stohess.”

“I don’t give a shit about any of that,” Levi says. “I don’t care if he can do it again, I’m prepared to just call it shit titans do and leave it at that. Fuck knows it’s not like we can dispute any of it. But why did his titan tantrum affect _her_ too?”

“Honestly? Not a clue,” Hani says. “I think it was just bad luck, in all honesty. Could have happened to anyone. Maybe it was just coincidence that it was her. Maybe it would have happened to you or me or Mikasa, or anyone who’d touched him next. By his own admission he was feeling rather emotionally drained following the memorial. Can you blame him?”

“No,” Levi admits begrudgingly. “But that still doesn’t excuse the fact that he’s lying about _something_.”

“You think he knows more about what happened than he’s letting on.”

“Yes.”

Hanji sighs. “Well, we can force it out of him, if you’re that concerned. Go to Erwin, tell him we think Eren’s withholding information that could harm us in the long run. He’ll be detained, questioned formally, reprimanded, all that fun stuff that comes with it. That what you want?”

“You know it’s not.”

“Then let him keep his secrets. It’s Eren. You know he’ll come out with it eventually. Once he’s puzzled it over in his own head for long enough. Look, I might not know him as well as you do, but even I know Eren would never keep quiet about something unless he thought it was important. I know it sucks and I know you’re upset, but unless you’re prepared to take this down official channels, there’s not a lot you can do.”

“Fuck you and your logic.”

“Love you, too. Could you pass me that little jar on the side by your elbow?”

“This one?” Levi holds it up gingerly. The contents slosh unpleasantly.

“That’s the one. It’s full of-”

“If you’d like us to remain friends, you won’t ever tell me what’s in this jar.”

“Fair enough.” Hanji takes it from him, gives it a firm shake. “Ahh, lovely. Nice and ripe. Now, are you finished bitching? I’m more than happy to keep listening but I’m about to open this jar and I don’t think you want to see what’s inside.”

“Yeah, I’m good,” Levi says, edging towards the door. “Thanks for… Whatever this was.”

“Did it help?”

“Not at all.”

“Still mad at him?”

Levi exhales heavily. “Yes. I don’t _want_ to be. I really don’t. But…”

“But?”

Levi shakes his head. “Eren doesn’t lie to me.”

“Well, don’t think of it as lying, then. Think of it like… He’s waiting for the right time to talk about what he knows. I mean, look at his track record. Every time he’s come out with something groundbreaking, he’s been put in awful situations. The courtroom, the expedition, Stohess in just a few days, if the MPs get their way.”

“They won’t.”

“Well, yes, that’s the hope-”

“They _won’t,_ ” Levi repeats firmly. “I’m counting on you out there, by the way. It’s just your team and mine once we’re in the city. I need to know you’ll come through.”

“Are you kidding?” Hanji asks. “After the absolute shit fest that was the expedition, I’m not leaving anything to chance. Farlan and I have been working overtime to get things ready. We’ve reinforced the restraints, upped the amount of gunpowder we use so the hooks will fire harder and dig deeper. We’ve got everything we need to take her down. All we need is for you and Eren to lead her right to us, if you can. That is if Eren doesn’t rip her head off first.”

Levi’s lip curls. “I kind of want to let him.”

“Well, yes, but we _do_ need to question her first. Once we’ve gotten what we need from her, feel free to dismember her to your heart’s content.”

“Trust me, I will.”

“Good. I just hope Erwin’s little decoy plan works well enough to give us the time we need to get to her. Armin seems pretty confident he can get through to her, but I’m not going to consider it a success until she’s either trapped or surrendered.”

“Wouldn’t that be nice,” Levi mutters. “A nice, easy surrender. God, if only.”

“Mm, too much of a tall order, I’m afraid. We’ve seen the lengths she’s prepared to go to already. An easy victory isn’t on the cards, I’m afraid.”

Levi nods, resigned. “As long as it’s a victory, I don’t give a shit how hard won it is.”

“Alright, Erwin.”

_“You take that the fuck back right now.”_

* * *

Levi’s not seen Eren since their altercation in the infirmary and that was two days ago. It’s not that Eren’s avoiding him, it’s that they’re avoiding each other, which is a fucking new one. Levi’s beyond pissed that Eren’s being dishonest, Eren’s probably guilty as shit and doesn’t want to risk Levi attempting to wrangle the truth out of him, so for the most part they just… avoid all potential awkwardness by giving each other a wide berth.

The 104th have been packed off with Mike and Nanaba and a couple of the other veterans, so the castle is quieter than it has been for a while, but only in terms of overall population. It’s been quiet since they returned from the expedition with just over half the number they left with and Levi can’t blame them for their mournful silence. He doesn’t even particularly mind it, because any silence is good in his book, no matter where it comes from.

Honestly, Levi’s just tired. His burns are at the horrifically itchy stage of the healing process and the only good thing about it is that he no longer has to take borderline freezing showers, but other than that he’s uncomfortable and tired and pissed the fuck off constantly and there’s nothing he can do about it. Eren won’t talk to him, Farlan’s constantly working in the Pit with Hanji making sure their gear and weaponry are up to scratch, doing horrific things with steel and wire that sends awful metallic screeches roaring through the castle at unpredictable intervals. Armin’s always with Erwin, Mikasa’s always with Eren, Isabel’s still locked down in the infirmary and Petra’s always with her.

Levi is alone. He doesn’t like it at all.

He busies himself as best he can with preparation for the Stohess job. It’s familiar, unsettlingly so, because the expeditions are Erwin’s area of expertise, but underhanded excursions into Stohess? Levi wrote the fucking book on those. There’s no city’s layout he knows better, save for the underground, and his knowledge of the winding streets and secluded hideaways has been invaluable in planning their movements once they're trapped inside the city.

Levi’s taken many jobs in his life, back when he was a thug and they were his ticket to _not fucking starving to death_. Stohess is just another job, one with the potential to take everything from him, which makes it absolutely no different from the jobs he used to run with Isabel and Farlan below ground. Any one of them had the chance to end badly for one or all of them, so this is a kind of familiar Levi knows well.

Stohess is a plan within a plan within yet another fucking plan. Convoluted enough to be crazy, crazy enough to work.

In three days time, they’ll ride into Stohess. Jean will ride in the carriage with Erwin as a decoy, and a handful of scouts will follow on horseback. Once inside the city, a detachment of MPs will meet them. They’ll be taken at once to the MP HQ where their ruse will be immediately discovered the moment Jean is seen clearly. When that happens, either the MPs will engage with extreme hostility to contain the scouts that have misled them, or Eren’s group will have been successful.

While Jean’s acting as decoy, Armin will approach Leonhardt and lead her away from the MPs. If she takes the bait, Armin will link up with Eren and Mikasa, and the three of them will lead her to the underground tunnel where they will be able to subdue her. Once she’s secure, Levi will lead Hanji’s team down to extract her. They’ll then bring her before the MPs and use her as a bargaining chip for Eren’s life. Beyond that, Levi doesn’t know. Erwin will want to question her, but the MPs likely won’t take kindly to being tricked, so they’re hardly going to be feeling charitable enough to let the scouts anywhere near her.

Should Leonhardt not take the bait and choose to transform before they can get her underground, Eren will shift and subdue her as necessary. If this happens, Levi’s team will attempt to herd her towards Hanji’s traps. Should the traps fail, Levi will engage and while Eren and Mikasa have her distracted, he’ll cut the bitch out of her titan. It shouldn’t be too difficult to sway the MPs in their favour if that happens. They’ll be too afraid of what Leonhardt can do if left improperly contained. Levi’s record of titan kills and the fact that he’s able to contain Eren single handedly should garner them form of cooperation.

God willing. Because if this goes wrong, Levi’s going to lose everything.

It’s not like he’s just going to take it lying down, though. If Leonhardt escapes - he has no idea how but if by some fucking twist of fate she manages it - Levi’s not just going to let Erwin hand Eren off without a fight. It’s not like Levi’s ever valued the lives of the MPs, especially not the bastards in Stohess who’ve killed people for daring to try and pass the boundary separating the underground from their topside world. Should the worst come to pass, Levi’s confident he’ll be able to get Eren out of there without too much trouble.

They’ll either scale the walls using their gear, or Levi will compromise everything he’s come to stand for and take Eren below ground. He’s hoping it won’t come to that. Which is why they _have_ to contain Leonhardt. Eren doesn’t belong underground. It’ll ruin him.

Levi’s so fucking tired. All he fucking wants is to spend what little time they have left together with Eren. He doesn’t want to be avoiding him, but if Eren’s going to keep lying about what he knows then what the hell is Levi meant to do?

Suck it up, probably. They only have three days.

They… They only have three days.

They only have three _fucking_ days and Levi’s wasting it being a goddamn fucking bitch just because Eren’s keeping some shit close to his chest. God fucking _damn_ it.

Screw planning, screw it all. Levi wants to see him. And if he’s spending his time with Mikasa these days, he knows exactly where they’ll be.

He gears up, signs out two canisters of gas for himself from the supply store, and heads down to the training circuit.

Levi hears Eren before he sees him, mainly because Eren’s swearing a pretty impressive blues streak at the top of his lungs and could probably heard in fucking Calaneth. Levi pauses near the old training circuit, listens with quiet awe to the creativity of Eren’s vibrant cursing, undercut by the low sound of Mikasa’s rare laughter. They’ve left behind a trail of sliced up training dummies and groves in tree trunks impressively deep.

They’re off the ground, perched on a branch about fifty feet up, Mikasa’s leg dangling over one side. Eren’s sitting beside her, shaking out his hand and swearing colourfully as he does so. Levi watches for a moment, waits for the irritation to well up so he can beat it down, but there’s nothing except fond affection and a love so deep it actually makes his chest hurt.

Good god, he is so gone it’s not even funny.

He fires his anchors a moment later, letting them carry him up to a parallel branch. Mikasa glances over, surprise lightening her eyes for a moment, but she doesn’t tackle him so she can’t be that pissed. Eren’s still shaking his hand out and grimacing but he recoils when Levi lands on his branch, squawking with surprise and toppling backwards. He’s saved, as always, by Mikasa, who grabs the chest strap of his harness to haul him back upright.

“We’re not doing anything!” Eren says, cradling his steaming hand to his chest. “We’re not shirking, we already cleaned the dining hall!”

“I didn’t tell you to do that,” Levi says, raising a brow. “And will you relax? I’m not here as your Captain.”

“Right,” Eren says, relaxing considerably. “You don’t have your Captain face on.”

“I have a Captain face?”

“You do,” Mikasa says. “You do this weird thing with your eyebrows.”

“My…?”

“Why are you here then?” Eren asks, stretching out his fingers gingerly. Levi’s not sure what he’s done to his hand, but if he’s as distracted as he seems, it’s not surprising that he’s managed to injure himself.

“Do I have to have a reason?”

“Yeah,” Eren says, eyes narrowing. “You’ve been avoiding me again.”

“And you haven’t been avoiding me?”

“Alright, I’m out,” Mikasa says, getting to her feet. “You guys have your… Lover’s quarrel, but I’m not sticking around to listen. Just don’t kill each other, okay?”

“Mikasa!”

“Nope. I’m gone. Come find me if you don’t end up actually murdering each other.” She flutters her fingers, steps of the branch, and tumbles neatly in a series of flips as her wires carry her to the ground.

Levi watches her go before signing deeply and turning back to Eren. “What did you do to your hand?”

Eren scowls. “Broke a finger. It’s healed now.”

“Idiot.”

“Fuck off.” It’s harsh, bitten out between clenched teeth and Levi can’t blame him for it at all. He was under no illusions this would go well, but if he doesn’t get this out now, he may not get a chance later.

“Look, I know you’re mad-“

“How perceptive of you.”

“For fuck’s sake, Eren, I’m _trying_ here.”

Eren sighs heavily, draws a leg up to his chest, resting his chin on his knee. “I know. I just…” He groans, kneading the heels of his palms against his eyes. “It’s… Oh!” He sits up straight, eyes wide. “Remember when we met?”

“I… guess? Wait, officially, or…?”

Eren blinks. “Of...ficially? Wait, what’s the unofficial meeting?”

“When I held a knife to your throat and threatened to make you eat your own entrails,” Levi says, glancing away with an awkward cough.

Eren cackles, loud and abrupt. “Oh, shit, I’d forgotten about that. Oh, man.”

“Honestly, Eren, I do have to question your judgement. That’s the type of person you fall for?”

“It was genuinely terrifying and also weirdly hot now that I think about it.” Eren grins, then scowls when he remembers he’s meant to be angry. “Anyway, I was making a point. I’m talking about when we met as like… the overall concept. When I knew next to nothing about you. And you were so fucking cagey. Everything I learned about you at that time I learned from Isabel.”

“You two talked about me?”

“Constantly. I was low-key obsessed.”

“Alright. Carry on.”

“Thanks.” Eren’s quiet for a moment, organising his thoughts, before he nods. “Right, anyway. Back then, you didn’t ever talk about yourself. You still rarely do. So anything I learned about you, I had to find out from other people. Which I’m guessing pisses you off.”

“I mean, it’s you, so not really.”

“Sweet sentiment. Unhelpful, though. At the time, I mean, if you’d found out Isabel and Farlan were talking about you, telling me stuff, what would you have done?”

“Ripped into them.”

“Right!” Eren nods. “Because you didn’t want people knowing your business. This is like that. I’m not lying to you because I don’t trust you or anything like that. I just… I can’t. It’s not my place. And I _wish_ that my secrets hadn’t been told without my permission. Granted, I didn’t know I was a titan and that’s a bit more severe than this situation, but my point still stands. That… incident with Ymir? I know what happened. Or I think I do. And I’m not in a place where I can talk about it yet. Mainly because I’m terrified of the outcome. But please know that I want to tell you. I do, so badly. But… It’s not my place.”

That, Levi can understand. Yes, it opens up a world of alarming possibilities and Levi could go mad conjecturing and assuming about it, but he won’t. Because he should have trusted Eren. But he’d let his fear get in the way. And he’d hurt Eren in the process.

“Shit,” Levi mutters. “Fuck’s sake, I just can’t do right by you, can I?”

“Oh, shut up,” Eren says, snapping off a slender twig from the branch beneath him and throwing it at Levi. It bounces off his chest. “You just get too in your head. And I didn’t fucking help. I was just… Freaking out a bit.”

“Understandably.” Levi sighs and, in spite of the awful situation they’re currently trapped in, feels a hell of a lot better than he had this morning when he’d woken up alone for the second day in a row. “Will you… Like are we…?”

“Okay?” Eren smiles. “Yeah. We’re okay. Although, if-“

“Eren! Captain!”

“Can’t catch a fucking break,” Eren mutters. “Up here, Armin!”

“I haven’t got my gear!” Armin yells up from below. “Come down, please, it’s urgent!”

“Well, that doesn’t sound good,” Eren murmurs. Levi nods and together they fire anchors, dropping from their branches to join Armin on the ground. “Holy shit, you good?”

Armin shakes his head, red-cheeked and panting. He’s in full uniform, save for his gear, and his eyes are wide with dread. Dread deep enough that Levi feels it shudder down his own spine.

“We need to go,” Armin gasps, clutching his chest. “We need to go now. The MPs have sent for you. They’re not willing to wait any longer. The summons just arrived, they want us in Stohess by noon tomorrow or they’ll come for you themselves.”

Eren’s fingers curl tightly around Levi’s wrist, eyes blowing wide with shock and fear. Levi pulls his arm away, dislodging Eren’s fierce grip so that he can clasp their fingers tightly together.

“It’s alright,” Levi says, voice remarkably level. “We’re ready, we’ve planned for this. Is Hanji ready to go?”

“They said they only need half an hour to load up the wagons.”

“Good. Go and help them, gather the others. Stay calm. Now isn’t the time to lose your head. Hey.” He reaches out, grips Armin’s shoulder with the hand not currently curled around Eren’s own like a vice. “Your plan is sound. It’s going to be okay. Trust yourself the way we all trust you.”

Armin nods, buoyed by Levi’s words, and steps back with a nod before turning on his heel and sprinting back to the castle. Levi inhales shakily, turns to Eren, though his words falter when Eren presses something cool into his palm.

Levi stares down at the object. Looks up at Eren’s face. “What am I looking at, Eren?”

“Insurance,” Eren says. “If anything happens-“

“It’s _not_ going to-“

 _”If something happens,”_ Eren says, eyes burning. “Get to that basement, find out what’s in it. I’m not ever supposed to let that out of my sight, but I need to know if something happens or if the MPs get me, that you’ll make it there. _Promise_ me, Levi.”

Levi curls his fingers around the key Eren’s worn throughout all the years they’ve known each other. “I… Eren, I can’t…”

“Then keep it safe for me,” Eren says. “And give it back once we’re done. Okay?”

“...Okay.”

“Thank you.” Levi lets Eren slip the key over his own neck, tuck it safely beneath his shirt.

“I’m giving this back, do you hear me?” Levi places a hand over the key now lying coldly against his chest. “Don’t you dare fucking die on me, Eren. I’m not even remotely kidding. I’m getting to that basement with you beside me. The titans and then the world, got it?”

Eren pulls him close, yanks him into a kiss that’s hard and deep and desperate and Levi clutches Eren so tightly, like he wants to break through the skin and seep inside. Too many times has Eren nearly been taken away from him, but that all ends now. The MPs can’t have him. Even if they don’t get the female, the MPs won’t fucking touch him. 

He’s Levi’s future. They can’t take that from him.


End file.
